第5章
"Notintheleast，sofarasIamconcerned，"repliedJackHerring。
"Don’tleaveittoolateandmakeyourmotheranxious。"
"It’strueenough，"theBaberecountedafterwards。"Thedoorwasopenedbyamanservantandhewentstraightin。Wewalkedupanddownforhalfanhour，andunlesstheyputhimoutthebackway，he’stellingthetruth。"
"Didyouhearhimgivehisname？"askedSomerville，whowasstrokinghismoustache。
"No，weweretoofaroff，"explainedtheBabe。"But——I’llswearitwasJack——therecouldn’tbeanymistakeaboutthat。"
"Perhapsnot，"agreedSomervilletheBriefless。
SomervilletheBrieflesscalledattheofficesofGoodHumour，inCraneCourt，thefollowingmorning，andhealsoborrowedMissRamsbotham’sDebrett。
"What’sthemeaningofit？"demandedthesub—editor。
"Meaningofwhat？"
"ThissuddeninterestofallyoufellowsintheBritishPeerage。"
"Allofus？"
"Well，Herringwasherelastweek，poringoverthatbookforhalfanhour，withtheMorningPostspreadoutbeforehim。Nowyou’redoingthesamething。"
"Ah！JackHerring，washe？Ithoughtasmuch。Don’ttalkaboutit，Tommy。I’lltellyoulateron。"
OnthefollowingMonday，theBrieflessoneannouncedtotheClubthathehadreceivedaninvitationtodineattheLoveredges’onthefollowingWednesday。OnTuesday，theBrieflessoneenteredtheClubwithaslowandstatelystep。HaltingoppositeoldGoslintheporter，whohademergedfromhisboxwiththeideaofdiscussingtheOxfordandCambridgeboatrace，Somerville，removinghishatwithasweepofthearm，helditoutinsilence。OldGoslin，muchastonished，tookitmechanically，whereupontheBrieflessone，shakinghimselffreefromhisInvernesscape，flungitlightlyafterthehat，andstrolledon，notnoticingthatoldGoslin，unaccustomedtocoatslightlyandelegantlythrownathim，droppingthehat，hadcaughtitonhishead，andhadbeen，inthelanguageoftheprompt—book，"leftstruggling。"TheBrieflessone，enteringthesmoking—room，liftedachairandletitfallagainwithacrash，andsittingdownuponit，crossedhislegsandrangthebell。
"Ye’redoingitverraweel，"remarkedapprovinglytheWeeLaddie。
"Ye’rejustfittedforitbynature。"
"Fittedforwhat？"demandedtheBrieflessone，wakingupapparentlyfromadream。
"ForanAdelphiguestateighteenpencethenight，"assuredhimtheWeeLaddie。"Ye’rejustsplendidatit。"
TheBrieflessone，mutteringthattheworstofmixingwithjournalistswasthatifyoudidnotwatchyourself，youfellintotheirways，drankhiswhiskyinsilence。Later，theBabesworeonacopyofSell’sAdvertisingGuidethat，crossingthePark，hehadseentheBrieflessoneleaningovertherailingsofRottenRow，cladinapairofnewkidgloves，swingingasilver—headedcane。
Onemorningtowardstheendoftheweek，JosephLoveredge，lookingtwentyyearsyoungerthanwhenPeterhadlastseenhim，droppedinattheeditorialofficeofGoodHumouranddemandedofPeterHopehowhefeltandwhathethoughtofthepresentpriceofEmmaMines。
PeterHope’sfearwasthatthegamblingfeverwasspreadingtoallclassesofsociety。
"IwantyoutodinewithusonSunday，"saidJosephLoveredge。
"JackHerringwillbethere。YoumightbringTommywithyou。"
PeterHopegulpeddownhisastonishmentandsaidheshouldbedelighted;hethoughtthatTommyalsowasdisengaged。"Mrs。
Loveredgeoutoftown，Ipresume？"questionedPeterHope。
"Onthecontrary，"repliedJosephLoveredge，"Iwantyoutomeether。"
JosephLoveredgeremovedapileofbooksfromonechairandplacedthemcarefullyuponanother，afterwhichhewentandstoodbeforethefire。
"Don’tifyoudon’tlike，"saidJosephLoveredge;"butifyoudon’tmind，youmightcallyourself，justfortheevening——say，theDukeofWarrington。"
"Saythewhat？"demandedPeterHope。
"TheDukeofWarrington，"repeatedJoey。"Wearerathershortofdukes。TommycanbetheLadyAdelaide，yourdaughter。"
"Don’tbeanass！"saidPeterHope。
"I’mnotanass，"assuredhimJosephLoveredge。"HeiswinteringinEgypt。Youhaverunbackforaweektoattendtobusiness。
ThereisnoLadyAdelaide，sothat’squitesimple。"
"Butwhatinthenameof——"beganPeterHope。
"Don’tyouseewhatI’mdrivingat？"persistedJoey。"ItwasJack’sideaatthebeginning。Iwasfrightenedmyselfatfirst，butitisworkingtoperfection。Sheseesyou，andseesthatyouareagentleman。Whenthetruthcomesout——as，ofcourse，itmustlateron——thelaughwillbeagainsther。"
"Youthink——youthinkthat’llcomforther？"suggestedPeterHope。
"It’stheonlyway，anditisreallywonderfullysimple。Wenevermentionthearistocracynow——itwouldbeliketalkingshop。Wejustenjoyourselves。You，bytheway，Imetinconnectionwiththemovementforrationaldress。Youareabitofacrank，fondoffrequentingBohemiancircles。"
"Iamriskingsomething，Iknow，"continuedJoey;"butit’sworthit。Icouldn’thaveexistedmuchlonger。Wegoslowly，andareverycareful。JackisLordMount—Primrose，whohastakenupwithanti—vaccinationandwhonevergoesoutintoSociety。SomervilleisSirFrancisBaldwin，thegreatauthorityoncentipedes。TheWeeLaddieiscomingnextweekasLordGarrick，whomarriedthatdancing—girl，PrissySomething，andstartedafurnitureshopinBondStreet。Ihadsomedifficultyatfirst。Shewantedtosendoutparagraphs，butIexplainedthatwasonlydonebyvulgarpersons——thatwhenthenobilitycametoyouasfriends，itwasconsideredbadtaste。Sheisadeargirl，asIhavealwaystoldyou，withonlyonefault。Awomaneasiertodeceiveonecouldnotwishfor。Idon’tmyselfseewhythetrutheverneedcomeout——
providedwekeepourheads。"
"Seemstomeyou’velostthemalready，"commentedPeter;"you’reoverdoingit。"
"Themoreofusthebetter，"explainedJoey;"wehelpeachother。
Besides，Iparticularlywantyouinit。There’sasortofsuperiorPickwickianatmospheresurroundingyouthatdisarmssuspicion。"
"Youleavemeoutofit，"growledPeter。
"Seehere，"laughedJoey;"youcomeastheDukeofWarrington，andbringTommywithyou，andI’llwriteyourCityarticle。"
"Forhowlong？"snappedPeter。IncorruptibleCityeditorsarenoteasilypickedup。
"Oh，well，foraslongasyoulike。"
"Onthatunderstanding，"agreedPeter，"I’mwillingtomakeafoolofmyselfinyourcompany。"
"You’llsoongetusedtoit，"Joeytoldhim;"eighto’clock，then，onSunday;plaineveningdress。Ifyouliketowearabitofredribboninyourbuttonhole，why，doso。YoucangetitatEvans’，inCoventGarden。"
"AndTommyistheLady——"
"Adelaide。Letherhaveatasteforliterature，thensheneedn’tweargloves。Iknowshehatesthem。"Joeyturnedtogo。
"AmImarried？"askedPeter。
Joeypaused。"IshouldavoidallreferencetoyourmatrimonialaffairsifIwereyou，"wasJoey’sadvice。"Youdidn’tcomeoutofthatbusinesstoowell。"
"Oh！asbadasthat，wasI？Youdon’tthinkMrs。Loveredgewillobjecttome？"
"Ihaveaskedherthat。She’sadear，broad—mindedgirl。I’vepromisednottoleaveyoualonewithMissMontgomery，andWillishashadinstructionsnottoletyoumixyourdrinks。"
"I’dhavelikedtohavebeensomeoneatriflemorerespectable，"
grumbledPeter。
"Weratherwantedaduke，"explainedJoey，"andhewastheonlyonethatfittedinallround。"
Thedinnerawasacompletesuccess。Tommy，enteringintothespiritofthething，boughtanewpairofopen—workstockingsandassumedalanguiddrawl。Peter，whowasgrowingforgetful，introducedherastheLadyAlexandra;itdidnotseemtomatter，bothbeginningwithanA。ShegreetedLordMount—Primroseas"Billy，"andaskedaffectionatelyafterhismother。Joeytoldhisracieststories。TheDukeofWarringtoncalledeverybodybytheirChristiannames，andseemedwellacquaintedwithBohemiansociety——
amoreamiablenoblemanitwouldhavebeenimpossibletodiscover。
TheladywhoserealnamewasnotMissMontgomerysatinspeechlessadmiration。Thehostesswasthepersonificationofgraciousdevotion。
Otherlittledinners，equallysuccessful，followed。Joey’sacquaintanceshipappearedtobeconfinedexclusivelytothehighercirclesoftheBritisharistocracy——withoneexception：thatofaGermanbaron，ashort，stoutgentleman，whotalkedEnglishwell，butwithanaccent，andwho，whenhedesiredtobeimpressive，laidhisrightforefingerontherightsideofhisnoseandthrusthiswholefaceforward。Mrs。Loveredgewonderedwhyherhusbandhadnotintroducedthemsooner，butwastooblissfultobesuspicious。
TheAutolycusClubwasgraduallychangingitstone。Friendscouldnolongerrecogniseoneanotherbythevoice。Everycornerhaditssolitarystudentpractisinghigh—classintonation。Membersdroppedintothehabitofaddressingoneanotheras"dearchappie，"and，discardingpipes，tooktocheapcigars。Manyoftheolderhabituesresigned。
AllmighthavegonewelltotheendoftimeifonlyMrs。Loveredgehadleftallsocialarrangementsinthehandsofherhusband——hadnotsoughttoaidhisefforts。Toacertainpoliticalgarden—
party，onedayintheheightoftheseason，wereinvitedJosephLoveredgeandMrs。JosephLoveredge，hiswife。Mr。JosephLoveredgeatthelastmomentfoundhimselfunabletoattend。Mrs。
JosephLoveredgewentalone，mettherevariousmembersoftheBritisharistocracy。Mrs。JosephLoveredge，accustomedtofriendshipwiththearistocracy，feltathereaseandwasnaturalandagreeable。Thewifeofaneminentpeertalkedtoherandlikedher。ItoccurredtoMrs。JosephLoveredgethatthisladymightbeinducedtovisitherhouseinRegent’sPark，theretominglewiththoseofherownclass。
"LordMount—Primrose，theDukeofWarrington，andafewotherswillbediningwithusonSundaynext，"suggestedMrs。Loveredge。"Willnotyoudousthehonourofcoming？Weare，ofcourse，onlysimplefolkourselves，butsomehowpeopleseemtolikeus。"
ThewifeoftheeminentpeerlookedatMrs。Loveredge，lookedroundthegrounds，lookedatMrs。Loveredgeagain，andsaidshewouldliketocome。Mrs。JosephLoveredgeintendedatfirsttotellherhusbandofhersuccess，butalittledevilenteringintoherheadandwhisperingtoherthatitwouldbeamusing，sheresolvedtokeepitasasurprise，tobesprunguponhimateighto’clockonSunday。Thesurpriseprovedallshecouldhavehopedfor。
TheDukeofWarrington，havingjournalisticmatterstodiscusswithJosephLoveredge，arrivedathalf—pastseven，wearingonhisshirt—
frontasilverstar，purchasedinEagleStreetthedaybeforeforeight—and—six。ThereaccompaniedhimtheLadyAlexandra，wearingtheidenticalrubynecklacethateverynightforthepastsixmonths，andtwiceonSaturdays，"JohnStrongheart"hadbeenfalselyaccusedofstealing。LordGarrick，havingpickeduphiswife（MissRamsbotham）outsidetheMotherRedcap，arrivedwithheronfootataquartertoeight。LordMount—Primrose，togetherwithSirFrancisBaldwin，dashedupinahansomatseven—fifty。HisLordship，havinglostthetoss，paidthefare。TheHon。HarrySykes（commonlycalled"theBabe"）wasusheredinfiveminuteslater。
Thenoblecompanyassembledinthedrawing—roomchattedblithelywhilewaitingfordinnertobeannounced。TheDukeofWarringtonwastellingananecdoteaboutacat，whichnobodyappearedtobelieve。LordMount—Primrosedesiredtoknowwhetherbyanychanceitmightbethesameanimalthateverynightathalf—pastninehadbeeninthehabitofclimbinguphisGrace’srailingsandknockingathisGrace’sdoor。TheHonourableHarrywassayingthat，speakingofcats，heoncehadasortofterrier——whenthedoorwasthrownopenandWillisannouncedtheLadyMarySutton。
Mr。JosephLoveredge，whowassittingnearthefire，roseup。LordMount—Primrose，whowasstandingnearthepiano，satdown。TheLadyMarySuttonpausedinthedoorway。Mrs。Loveredgecrossedtheroomtogreether。
"Letmeintroduceyoutomyhusband，"saidMrs。Loveredge。"Joey，mydear，theLadyMarySutton。ImettheLadyMaryattheO’Meyers’theotherday，andshewasgoodenoughtoacceptmyinvitation。Iforgottotellyou。"
Mr。Loveredgesaidhewasdelighted;afterwhich，althoughasaruleachattyman，heseemedtohavenothingelsetosay。Andasilencefell。
SomervilletheBriefless——tillthen。Thateveninghasalwaysbeenreckonedthestarting—pointofhiscareer。Uptillthennobodythoughthehadmuchinhim——walkedupandheldouthishand。
"Youdon’trememberme，LadyMary，"saidtheBrieflessone。"Imetyousomeyearsago;wehadamostinterestingconversation——SirFrancisBaldwin。"
TheLadyMarystoodforamomenttryingapparentlytorecollect。
Shewasahandsome，fresh—complexionedwomanofaboutforty，withfrank，agreeableeyes。TheLadyMaryglancedatLordGarrick，whowastalkingrapidlytoLordMount—Primrose，whowasnotlistening，andwhocouldnothaveunderstoodevenifhehadbeen，LordGarrick，withoutbeingawareofit，havingdroppedintobroadScotch。FromhimtheLadyMaryglancedatherhostess，andfromherhostesstoherhost。
TheLadyMarytookthehandheldouttoher。"Ofcourse，"saidtheLadyMary;"howstupidofme！Itwasthedayofmyownwedding，too。Youreallymustforgiveme。Wetalkedofquitealotofthings。Iremembernow。"
Mrs。Loveredge，whopridedherselfuponmaintainingold—fashionedcourtesies，proceededtointroducetheLadyMarytoherfellow—
guests，alittlesurprisedthatherladyshipappearedtoknowsofewofthem。Herladyship’sgreetingoftheDukeofWarringtonwasaccompanied，itwasremarked，byasomewhatcurioussmile。TotheDukeofWarrington’sdaughteralonedidtheLadyMaryaddressremark。
"Mydear，"saidtheLadyMary，"howyouhavegrownsincelastwemet！"
Theannouncementofdinner，aseverybodyfelt，camenonetoosoon。
Itwasnotamerryfeast。Joeytoldbutonestory;hetolditthreetimes，andtwiceleftoutthepoint。LordMount—Primrosetooksiftedsugarwithpatedefoiegrasandateitwithaspoon。
LordGarrick，talkingamixtureofScotchandEnglish，urgedhiswifetogiveuphousekeepingandtakeaflatinGowerStreet，which，ashepointedout，wascentral。Shecouldhavehermealssentintoherandsoavoidalltrouble。TheLadyAlexandra’sbehaviourappearedtoMrs。Loveredgenotaltogetherwell—bred。AneccentricyoungnoblewomanMrs。Loveredgehadalwaysfoundher，butwishedonthisoccasionthatshehadbeenalittlelesseccentric。
EveryfewminutestheLadyAlexandraburiedherfaceinherserviette，andshookandrocked，emittingstifledsounds，apparentlythoseofacutephysicalpain。Mrs。Loveredgehopedshewasnotfeelingill，buttheLadyAlexandraappearedincapableofcoherentreply。TwiceduringthemealtheDukeofWarringtonrosefromthetableandbeganwanderingroundtheroom;oneachoccasion，askedwhathewanted，hadrepliedmeeklythathewasmerelylookingforhissnuff—box，andhadsatdownagain。TheonlypersonwhoseemedtoenjoythedinnerwastheLadyMarySutton。
Theladiesretiredupstairsintothedrawing—room。Mrs。Loveredge，breakingalongsilence，remarkeditasunusualthatnosoundofmerrimentreachedthemfromthedining—room。Theexplanationwasthattheentiremaleportionoftheparty，onbeinglefttothemselves，hadimmediatelyandinabodycreptontiptoeintoJoey’sstudy，which，fortunately，happenedtobeonthegroundfloor。Joey，unlockingthebookcase，hadtakenouthisDebrett，butappearedincapableofunderstandingit。SirFrancisBaldwinhadtakenitfromhisunresistinghands;theremainingaristocracyhuddledthemselvesintoacornerandwaitedinsilence。
"IthinkI’vegotitallclearly，"announcedSirFrancisBaldwin，afterfiveminutes，whichtotheothershadbeenanhour。"Yes，I
don’tthinkI’mmakinganymistake。She’sthedaughteroftheDukeofTruro，marriedin’53theDukeofWarrington，atSt。Peter’s，EatonSquare;gavebirthin’55toadaughter，theLadyGraceAlexandraWarbertonSutton，whichmakesthechildjustthirteen。
In’63divorcedtheDukeofWarrington。LordMount—Primrose，sofarasIcanmakeout，mustbehersecondcousin。Iappeartohavemarriedherin’66atHastings。Itdoesn’tseemtomethatwecouldhavegottogetherahomelierlittlepartytomeetherevenifwehadwantedto。"
Nobodyspoke;nobodyhadanythingparticularlyworthsaying。Thedooropened，andtheLadyAlexandra（otherwiseTommy）enteredtheroom。
"Isn’tittime，"suggestedtheLadyAlexandra，"thatsomeofyoucameupstairs？"
"Iwasthinkingmyself，"explainedJoey，thehost，withagrimsmile，"itwasabouttimethatIwentoutanddrownedmyself。Thecanalishandy。"
"Putitofftillto—morrow，"Tommyadvisedhim。"Ihaveaskedherladyshiptogivemealifthome，andshehaspromisedtodoso。
Sheisevidentlyawomanwithasenseofhumour。WaittillafterI
havehadatalkwithher。"
Sixmen，whisperingatthesametime，werepreparedwithadvice;
butTommywasnottakingadvice。
"Comeupstairs，allofyou，"insistedTommy，"andmakeyourselvesagreeable。She’sgoinginaquarterofanhour。"
Sixsilentmen，thehostleading，thetwohusbandsbringinguptherear，ascendedthestairs，eachwiththesensationofbeingtwicehisusualweight。Sixsilentmenenteredthedrawing—roomandsatdownonchairs。Sixsilentmentriedtothinkofsomethinginterestingtosay。
MissRamsbotham——itwasthatorhysterics，assheafterwardsexplained——stiflingasob，openedthepiano。Buttheonlythingshecouldrememberwas"ChampagneCharlieismyName，"asongthenpopularinthehalls。Fivemen，whenshehadfinished，beggedhertogoon。MissRamsbotham，speakinginashrillfalsetto，explaineditwastheonlytunesheknew。Fourofthembeggedhertoplayitagain。MissRamsbothamplayeditasecondtimewithinvoluntaryvariations。
TheLadyMary’scarriagewasannouncedbytheimperturbableWillis。
Theparty，withtheexceptionoftheLadyMaryandthehostess，suppressedwithdifficultyaninclinationtoburstintoacheer。
TheLadyMarythankedMrs。Loveredgeforamostinterestingevening，andbeckonedTommytoaccompanyher。Withherdisappearance，awildhilarity，uncannyinitssuddenness，tookpossessionoftheremainingguests。
Afewdayslater，theLadyMary’scarriageagaindrewupbeforethelittlehouseinRegent’sPark。Mrs。Loveredge，fortunately，wasathome。Thecarriageremainedwaitingforquitealongtime。Mrs。
Loveredge，afteritwasgone，lockedherselfinherownroom。Theunder—housemaidreportedtothekitchenthat，passingthedoor，shehaddetectedsoundsindicativeofstrongemotion。
ThroughwhatordealJosephLoveredgepassedwasneverknown。ForafewweekstheAutolycusClubmissedhim。Thengradually，asaidedbyTimetheyhaveahabitofdoing，thingsrightedthemselves。
JosephLoveredgereceivedhisoldfriends;hisfriendsreceivedJosephLoveredge。Mrs。Loveredge，asahostess，cametohaveonlyonefailing——amarkedcoldnessofdemeanourtowardsallpeoplewithtitles，wheneverintroducedtoher。
STORYTHESIXTH："TheBabe"appliesforSharesPeoplesaidofthenewjournal，GoodHumour——peopleoftasteandjudgment，thatitwasthebrightest，thecleverest，themostliterarypennyweeklythateverhadbeenofferedtothepublic。
ThismadePeterHope，editorandpart—proprietor，veryhappy。
WilliamClodd，businessmanager，andalsopart—proprietor，itleftlesselated。
"Mustbecareful，"saidWilliamClodd，"thatwedon’tmakeittooclever。Happymedium，that’stheideal。"
Peoplesaid——peopleoftasteandjudgment，thatGoodHumourwasmoreworthyofsupportthanalltheotherpennyweekliesputtogether。Peopleoftasteandjudgmentevenwentsofar，someofthem，astobuyit。PeterHope，lookingforward，sawfameandfortunecomingtohim。
WilliamClodd，lookingroundabouthim，said—
"Doesn’titoccurtoyou，Guv’nor，thatwe’regettingthisthingjustatrifletoohighclass？"
"Whatmakesyouthinkthat？"demandedPeterHope。
"Ourcirculation，foronething，"explainedClodd。"Thereturnsforlastmonth——"
"I’dratheryoudidn’tmentionthem，ifyoudon’tmind，"
interruptedPeterHope;"somehow，hearingtheactualfiguresalwaysdepressesme。"
"Can’tsayIfeelinspiredbythemmyself，"admittedClodd。
"Itwillcome，"saidPeterHope，"itwillcomeintime。Wemusteducatethepublicuptoourlevel。"
"Ifthereisonething，sofarasIhavenoticed，"saidWilliamClodd，"thatthepublicareinclinedtopaylessforthananother，itisforbeingeducated。"
"Whatarewetodo？"askedPeterHope。
"Whatyouwant，"answeredWilliamClodd，"isanoffice—boy。"
"Howwillourhavinganoffice—boyincreaseourcirculation？"
demandedPeterHope。"Besides，itwasagreedthatwecoulddowithoutoneforthefirstyear。Whysuggestmoreexpense？"
"Idon’tmeananordinaryoffice—boy，"explainedClodd。"ImeanthesortofboythatIrodewithinthetraingoingdowntoStratfordyesterday。"
"Whatwasthereremarkableabouthim？"
"Nothing。HewasreadingthecurrentnumberofthePennyNovelist。
Overtwohundredthousandpeoplebuyit。Heisoneofthem。Hetoldmeso。Whenhehaddonewithit，hedrewfromhispocketacopyoftheHalfpennyJoker——theyguaranteeacirculationofseventythousand。HesatandchuckledoverituntilwegottoBow。"
"But——"
"Youwaitaminute。I’mcomingtotheexplanation。Thatboyrepresentsthereadingpublic。Italkedtohim。Thepapershelikesbestarethepapersthathavethelargestsales。Henevermadeasinglemistake。Theothers——thoseofthemhehadseen——hedismissedas’rot。’Whathelikesiswhatthegreatmassofthejournal—buyingpubliclikes。Pleasehim——Itookhisnameandaddress，andheiswillingtocometousforeightshillingsaweek——andyoupleasethepeoplethatbuy。Notthepeoplethatglancethroughapaperwhenitislyingonthesmoking—roomtable，andtellyouitisdamnedgood，butthepeoplethatplankdowntheirpenny。That’sthesortwewant。"
PeterHope，ableeditor，withideals，wasshocked——indignant。
WilliamClodd，businessman，withoutideals，talkedfigures。
"There’stheadvertisertobethoughtof，"persistedClodd。"I
don’tpretendtobeaGeorgeWashington，butwhat’stheuseoftellingliesthatsoundlikelies，eventoone’sselfwhileone’stellingthem？Givemeagenuinesaleoftwentythousand，andI’llundertake，withoutcommittingmyself，toconveyanimpressionofforty。Butwhentheactualfiguresareundereightthousand——well，ithampersyou，ifyouhappentohaveaconscience。
"Givethemeveryweekadozencolumnsofgood，soundliterature，"
continuedCloddinsinuatingly，"butwrapitupintwenty—fourcolumnsofjam。It’stheonlywaythey’lltakeit，andyouwillbedoingthemgood——educatingthemwithouttheirknowingit。Allpowderandnojam！Well，theydon’topentheirmouths，that’sall。"
Cloddwasamanwhoknewhowtogethisway。Flipp——spelledPhilip——Tweetelarrivedinduecourseoftimeat23，CraneCourt，ostensiblytotakeupthepositionofGoodHumour’soffice—boy;inreality，andwithouthisbeingawareofit，toactasitsliterarytaster。StoriesinwhichFlippbecameabsorbedwereaccepted。
Petergroaned，butcontentedhimselfwithcorrectingonlytheirgrossergrammaticalblunders;theexperimentshouldbetriedinallgoodfaith。HumouratwhichFlipplaughedwasprinted。Petertriedtoeasehisconsciencebyincreasinghissubscriptiontothefundfordestitutecompositors，butonlypartiallysucceeded。
PoetrythatbroughtateartotheeyeofFlippwasgivenleadedtype。PeopleoftasteandjudgmentsaidGoodHumourhaddisappointedthem。Itscirculation，slowlybutsteadily，increased。
"See！"criedthedelightedClodd;"toldyouso！"
"It’ssadtothink——"beganPeter。
"Alwaysis，"interruptedCloddcheerfully。"Moral——don’tthinktoomuch。"
"Tellyouwhatwe’lldo，"addedClodd。"We’llmakeafortuneoutofthispaper。Thenwhenwecanaffordtolosealittlemoney，we’lllaunchapaperthatshallappealonlytotheintellectualportionofthepublic。Meanwhile——"
Asquatblackbottlewithalabelattached，standingonthedesk，arrestedClodd’sattention。
"Whendidthiscome？"askedClodd。
"Aboutanhourago，"Petertoldhim。
"Anyorderwithit？"
"Ithinkso。"Petersearchedforandfoundaletteraddressedto"WilliamClodd，Esq。，AdvertisingManager，GoodHumour。"Cloddtoreitopen，hastilydevouredit。
"Notclosedupyet，areyou？"
"No，nottilleighto’clock。"
"Good！Iwantyoutowritemeapar。Doitnow，thenyouwon’tforgetit。Forthe’WalnutsandWine’column。"
Petersatdown，headedasheetofpaper：’ForW。andW。Col。’
"Whatisit？"questionedPeter——"somethingtodrink？"
"It’sasortofport，"explainedClodd，"thatdoesn’tgetintoyourhead。"
"Youconsiderthatanadvantage？"queriedPeter。
"Ofcourse。Youcandrinkmoreofit。"
Petercontinuedtowrite：’Possessesallthequalitiesofanoldvintageport，withoutthosedeleteriousproperties——’"Ihaven’ttastedit，Clodd，"hintedPeter。
"That’sallright——Ihave。"
"Andwasitgood？"
"Splendidstuff。Sayit’s’deliciousandinvigorating。’They’llbesuretoquotethat。"
Peterwroteon：’PersonallyIhavefounditdeliciousand——’Peterleftoffwriting。"Ireallythink，Clodd，Ioughttotasteit。
Yousee，Iampersonallyrecommendingit。"
"Finishthatpar。Letmehaveittotakeroundtotheprinters。
Thenputthebottleinyourpocket。Takeithomeandmakeanightofit。"
Cloddappearedtobeinamightyhurry。Now，thismadePeteronlythemoresuspicious。Thebottlewasclosetohishand。Cloddtriedtointercepthim，butwasnotquickenough。
"You’renotusedtotemperancedrinks，"urgedClodd。"Yourpalateisnotaccustomedtothem。"
"Icantellwhetherit’s’delicious’ornot，surely？"pleadedPeter，whohadpulledoutthecork。
"It’saquarter—pageadvertisementforthirteenweeks。Putitdownanddon’tbeafool！"urgedClodd。
"I’mgoingtoputitdown，"laughedPeter，whowasfondofhisjoke。Peterpouredouthalfatumblerful，anddrank——someofit。
"Likeit？"demandedClodd，withasavagegrin。
"Youaresure——youaresureitwastherightbottle？"gaspedPeter。
"Bottle’sallright，"Cloddassuredhim。"Trysomemore。Judgeitfairly。"
Peterventuredonanothersip。"Youdon’tthinktheywouldbesatisfiedifIrecommendeditasamedicine？"insinuatedPeter——
"somethingtohaveaboutthehouseincaseofaccidentalpoisoning？"
"Bettergoroundandsuggesttheideatothemyourself。I’vedonewithit。"Cloddtookuphishat。
"I’msorry——I’mverysorry，"sighedPeter。"ButIcouldn’tconscientiously——"
Cloddputdownhishatagainwithabang。"Oh！confoundthatconscienceofyours！Don’titeverthinkofyourcreditors？
What’stheuseofmyworkingoutmylungsforyou，whenallyoudoistohampermeateverystep？"
"Wouldn’titbebetterpolicy，"urgedPeter，"togoforthebetterclassofadvertiser，whodoesn’taskyouforthissortofthing？"
"Goforhim！"snortedClodd。"DoyouthinkIdon’tgoforhim？
Theyarejustsheep。Getone，yougetthelot。Untilyou’vegottheone，theotherswon’tlistentoyou。"
"That’strue，"musedPeter。"IspoketoWilkinson，ofKingsley’s，myself。HeadvisedmetotryandgetLandor’s。HethoughtthatifIcouldgetanadvertisementoutofLandor，hemightpersuadehispeopletogiveustheirs。"
"AndifyouhadgonetoLandor，hewouldhavepromisedyoutheirsprovidedyougotKingsley’s。"
"Theywillcome，"thoughthopefulPeter。"Wearegoingupsteadily。Theywillcomewitharush。"
"Theyhadbettercomesoon，"thoughtClodd。"Theonlythingscomingwitharushjustnowarebills。"
"ThosearticlesofyoungMcTear’sattractedagooddealofattention，"expoundedPeter。"Hehaspromisedtowritemeanotherseries。"
"Jowettistheonetogetholdof，"musedClodd。"Jowett，alltheothersfollowlikeaflockofgeesewaddlingaftertheoldgander。
IfonlywecouldgetholdofJowett，therestwouldbeeasy。"
JowettwastheproprietorofthefamousMarbleSoap。Jowettspentonadvertisingeveryyearaquarterofamillion，itwassaid。
Jowettwasthestayandpropofperiodicalliterature。NewpapersthatsecuredtheMarbleSoapadvertisementlivedandprospered;thenewpapertowhichitwasdeniedlanguishedanddied。Jowett，andhowtogetholdofhim;Jowett，andhowtogetroundhim，formedthechieftopicofdiscussionatthecouncil—boardofmostnewpapers，GoodHumouramongstthenumber。
"Ihaveheard，"saidMissRamsbotham，whowrotetheLettertoClorindathatfilledeachweekthelasttwopagesofGoodHumour，andthattoldClorinda，wholivedsecludedinthecountry，thedailyhistoryofthehighestclasssociety，amongwhomMissRamsbothamappearedtoliveandhaveherbeing;whotheywere，andwhattheywore，thewiseandotherwisethingstheydid——"Ihaveheard，"saidMissRamsbothamonemorning，Jowettbeingasusualthesubjectunderdebate，"thattheoldmanissusceptibletofemaleinfluence。"
"WhatIhavealwaysthought，"saidClodd。"Aladyadvertising—
agentmightdowell。Atallevents，theycouldn’tkickherout。"
"Theymightintheend，"thoughtPeter。"Femaledoor—porterswouldbecomeaprofessionformuscularladiesifevertheideatookroot。"
"Thefirstonewouldgetagoodstart，anyhow，"thoughtClodd。
Thesub—editorhadprickedupherears。Onceuponatime，longago，thesub—editorhadsucceeded，whenallotherLondonjournalistshadfailed，insecuringaninterviewwithacertaingreatstatesman。Thesub—editorhadneverforgottenthis——norallowedanyoneelsetoforgetit，"IbelieveIcouldgetitforyou，"saidthesub—editor。
Theeditorandthebusiness—managerbothspoketogether。Theyspokewithdecisionandwithemphasis。
"Whynot？"saidthesub—editor。"Whennobodyelsecouldgetathim，itwasIwhointerviewedPrince——"
"We’veheardallaboutthat，"interruptedthebusiness—manager。
"IfIhadbeenyourfatheratthetime，youwouldneverhavedoneit。"
"HowcouldIhavestoppedher？"retortedPeterHope。"Sheneversaidawordtome。"
"Youcouldhavekeptaneyeonher。"
"Keptaneyeonher！Whenyou’vegotagirlofyourown，you’llknowmoreaboutthem。"
"WhenIhave，"assertedClodd，"I’llmanageher。"
"Weknowallaboutbachelor’schildren，"sneeredPeterHope，theeditor。
"Youleaveittome。I’llhaveitforyoubeforetheendoftheweek，"crowedthesub—editor。
"Ifyoudogetit，"returnedClodd，"Ishallthrowitout，that’sall。"
"Yousaidyourselfaladyadvertising—agentwouldbeagoodidea，"
thesub—editorremindedhim。
"Soshemightbe，"returnedClodd;"butsheisn’tgoingtobeyou。"
"Whynot？"
"Becausesheisn’t，that’swhy。"
"Butif——"
"Seeyouattheprinter’sattwelve，"saidCloddtoPeter，andwentoutsuddenly。
"Well，Ithinkhe’sanidiot，"saidthesub—editor。
"Idonotoften，"saidtheeditor，"butonthispointIagreewithhim。Cadgingforadvertisementsisn’tawoman’swork。"
"Butwhatisthedifferencebetween——"
"Allthedifferenceintheworld，"thoughttheeditor。
"Youdon’tknowwhatIwasgoingtosay，"returnedhissub。
"Iknowthedriftofit，"assertedtheeditor。
"Butyouletme——"
"IknowIdo——agooddealtoomuch。I’mgoingtoturnoveranewleaf。"
"AllIproposetodo——"
"Whateveritis，you’renotgoingtodoit，"declaredthechief。
"Shallbebackathalf—pasttwelve，ifanybodycomes。"
"Itseemstome——"ButPeterwasgone。
"Justlikethemall，"wailedthesub—editor。"Theycan’targue;
whenyouexplainthingstothem，theygoout。Itdoesmakemesomad！"
MissRamsbothamlaughed。"Youareadowntroddenlittlegirl，Tommy。"
"AsifIcouldn’ttakecareofmyself！"Tommy’schinwashighupintheair。
"Cheerup，"suggestedMissRamsbotham。"Nobodyevertellsmenottodoanything。IwouldchangewithyouifIcould。"
"I’dhavewalkedintothatofficeandhavehadthatadvertisementoutofoldJowettinfiveminutes，IknowIwould，"braggedTommy。
"Icanalwaysgetonwitholdmen。"
"Onlywiththeoldones？"queriedMissRamsbotham。
Thedooropened。"Anybodyin？"askedthefaceofJohnnyBulstrode，appearinginthejar。
"Can’tyouseetheyare？"snappedTommy。
"Figureofspeech，"explainedJohnnyBulstrode，commonlycalled"theBabe，"enteringandclosingthedoorbehindhim。
"Whatdoyouwant？"demandedthesub—editor。
"Nothinginparticular，"repliedtheBabe。
"Wrongtimeofthedaytocomeforit，half—pasteleveninthemorning，"explainedthesub—editor。
"What’sthematterwithyou？"askedtheBabe。
"Feelingverycross，"confessedthesub—editor。
ThechildlikefaceoftheBabeexpressedsympatheticinquiry。
"Weareveryindignant，"explainedMissRamsbotham，"becausewearenotallowedtorushofftoCannonStreetandcoaxanadvertisementoutofoldJowett，thesoapman。Wefeelsurethatifweonlyputonourbesthat，hecouldn’tpossiblyrefuseus。"
"Nocoaxingrequired，"thoughtthesub—editor。"Oncegetintoseetheoldfellowandputtheactualfiguresbeforehim，hewouldclamourtocomein。"
"Won’theseeClodd？"askedtheBabe。
"Won’tseeanybodyonbehalfofanythingnewjustatpresent，apparently，"answeredMissRamsbotham。"Itwasmyfault。IwasfoolishenoughtorepeatthatIhadheardhewassusceptibletofemalecharm。TheysayitwasMrs。SarkittthatgottheadvertisementforTheLampoutofhim。But，ofcourse，itmaynotbetrue。"
"WishIwasasoapmanandhadgotadvertisementstogiveaway，"
sighedtheBabe。
"Wishyouwere，"agreedthesub—editor。
"Youshouldhavethemall，Tommy。"
"Myname，"correctedhimthesub—editor，"isMissHope。"
"Ibegyourpardon，"saidtheBabe。"Idon’tknowhowitis，butonegetsintothewayofcallingyouTommy。"
"Iwillthankyou，"saidthesub—editor，"togetoutofit。"
"Iamsorry，"saidtheBabe。
"Don’tletitoccuragain，"saidthesub—editor。
TheBabestoodfirstononelegandthenontheother，butnothingseemedtocomeofit。"Well，"saidtheBabe，"Ijustlookedin，that’sall。NothingIcandoforyou？"
"Nothing，"thankedhimthesub—editor。
"Goodmorning，"saidtheBabe。
"Goodmorning，"saidthesub—editor。
ThechildlikefaceoftheBabeworeachastenedexpressionasitslowlydescendedthestairs。MostofthemembersoftheAutolycusClublookedinaboutonceadaytoseeiftheycoulddoanythingforTommy。Someofthemhadluck。Onlythedaybefore，Porson——aheavy，mostuninterestingman——hadbeensentdownallthewaytoPlaistowtoinquireafterthewoundedhandofamachine—boy。YoungAlexander，whosepoetrysomepeoplecouldnotevenunderstand，hadbeencommissionedtosearchLondonforasecond—handeditionofMaitland’sArchitecture。Sinceafortnightnearlynow，whenhehadbeensentouttodriveawayanorganthatwouldnotgo，Johnnyhadbeengivennothing。
JohnnyturnedthecornerintoFleetStreetfeelingbitterwithhislot。Aboycarryingaparcelstumbledagainsthim。
"Begyerpardon——"thesmallboylookedupintoJohnny’sface，"miss，"addedthesmallboy，dodgingtheblowanddisappearingintothecrowd。
TheBabe，byreasonofhischildlikeface，wasaccustomedtoinsultsofthischaracter，butto—dayitespeciallyirritatedhim。
Whyattwenty—twocouldhenotgrowevenamoustache？Whywasheonlyfivefeetfiveandahalf？WhyhadFatecursedhimwithapink—and—whitecomplexion，sothatthemembersofhisownclubhadnicknamedhim"theBabe，"whilestreet—boysastheypassedpleadedwithhimforakiss？Whywashisveryvoice，aflute—likealto，moresuitable——Suddenlyanideasprangtolifewithinhisbrain。
Theideagrew。Passingabarber’sshop，Johnnywentin。
"’Aircut，sir？"remarkedthebarber，fittingasheetroundJohnny’sneck。
"No，shave，"correctedJohnny。
"Begpardon，"saidthebarber，substitutingatowelforthesheet。
"Doyoushaveup，sir？"laterdemandedthebarber。
"Yes，"answeredJohnny。
"Pleasantweatherwearehaving，"saidthebarber。
"Very，"assentedJohnny。
Fromthebarber’s，JohnnywenttoStinchcombe’s，thecostumier’s，inDruryLane。
"Iamplayinginaburlesque，"explainedtheBabe。"Iwantyoutorigmeoutcompletelyasamoderngirl。"
"Peetho’luck！"saidtheshopman。"Goththeverybundleforyou。
Juthcomein。"
"Ishallwanteverything，"explainedtheBabe，"fromthebootstothehat;stays，petticoats——thewholebagoftricks。"
"Regulartroutheauthere，"saidtheshopman，emptyingoutthecanvasbaguponthecounter。"Thry’emon。"
TheBabecontentedhimselfwithtryingonthecostumeandtheboots。
"Juthmadeforyou！"saidtheshopman。
Alittlelooseaboutthechest，suggestedtheBabe。
"Thath’sallright，"saidtheshopman。"Coupleo’thmalltowelths，allthath’swanted。"
"Youdon’tthinkittooshowy？"queriedtheBabe。
"Thowy？Sthylish，thath’sall。"
"Youaresureeverything’shere？"
"Everythinkththere。’Theptthebito’meatinthide，"assuredhimtheshopman。
TheBabeleftadeposit，andgavehisnameandaddress。Theshopmanpromisedthethingsshouldbesentroundwithinanhour。
TheBabe，whohadenteredintothespiritofthething，boughtapairofglovesandasmallreticule，andmadehiswaytoBowStreet。
"Iwantawoman’slightbrownwig，"saidtheBabetoMr。Cox，theperruquier。
Mr。Coxtriedontwo。ThedeceptiveappearanceofthesecondMr。
Coxpronouncedasperfect。
"Looksmorenaturalonyouthanyourownhair，blessedifitdoesn’t！"saidMr。Cox。
Thewigalsowaspromisedwithinthehour。ThespiritofcompletenessdescendedupontheBabe。OnhiswaybacktohislodgingsinGreatQueenStreet，hepurchasedaladylikeumbrellaandaveil。
Now，aquarterofanhourafterJohnnyBulstrodehadmadehisexitbythedoorofMr。Stinchcombe’sshop，one，HarryBennett，actorandmemberoftheAutolycusClub，pusheditopenandentered。Theshopwasempty。HarryBennetthammeredwithhisstickandwaited。
Apiled—upbundleofclotheslayuponthecounter;asheetofpaper，withanameandaddressscrawledacrossit，restedonthebundle。HarryBennett，giventoidlecuriosity，approachedandreadthesame。HarryBennett，withhisstick，pokedthebundle，scatteringitsitemsoverthecounter。
"Donthdothath！"saidtheshopman，comingup。"Juthbeenputting’emtogether。"
"Whatthedevil，"saidHarryBennett，"isJohnnyBulstrodegoingtodowiththatrig—out？"
"HowthoudIknow？"answeredtheshopman。"Privatetheathricals，I
suppoth。Friendo’yourth？"
"Yes，"repliedHarryBennett。"ByJove！heoughttomakeagoodgirl。Shouldliketoseeit！"
"Wellarthkhimforaticket。Donthmake’emdirty，"suggestedtheshopman。
"Imust，"saidHarryBennett，andtalkedabouthisownaffairs。
Therig—outandthewigdidnotarriveatJohnny’slodgingswithinthehouraspromised，butarrivedtherewithinthreehours，whichwasasmuchasJohnnyhadexpected。IttookJohnnynearlyanhourtodress，butatlasthestoodbeforetheplate—glasspanelofthewardrobetransformed。Johnnyhadreasontobepleasedwiththeresult。Atall，handsomegirllookedbackathimoutoftheglass—
—alittleshowilydressed，perhaps，butdecidedlychic。
"WonderifIoughttohaveacloak，"musedJohnny，asarayofsunshine，streamingthroughthewindow，fellupontheimageintheglass。"Well，anyhow，Ihaven’t，"thoughtJohnny，asthesunlightdiedawayagain，"soit’snogoodthinkingaboutit。"
Johnnyseizedhisreticuleandhisumbrellaandopenedcautiouslythedoor。Outsideallwassilent。Johnnystealthilydescended;inthepassagepausedagain。Voicessoundedfromthebasement。
Feelinglikeanescapedburglar，Johnnyslippedthelatchofthebigdoorandpeepedout。Apoliceman，pasting，turnedandlookedathim。Johnnyhastilydrewbackandclosedthedooragain。
Somebodywasascendingfromthekitchen。Johnny，caughtbetweentwoterrors，nearertothefrontdoorthantothestairs，havingnotime，chosethestreet。ItseemedtoJohnnythatthestreetwasmakingforhim。Awomancamehurriedlytowardshim。Whatwasshegoingtosaytohim？Whatshouldheanswerher？Tohissurpriseshepassedhim，hardlynoticinghim。Wonderingwhatmiraclehadsavedhim，hetookafewstepsforward。Acoupleofyoungclerkscomingupfrombehindturnedtolookathim，butonencounteringhisansweringstareofangryalarm，appearedconfusedandwenttheirway。Itbegantodawnuponhimthatmankindwaslessdiscerningthanhehadfeared。Gainingcourageasheproceeded，hereachedHolborn。Herethelargercrowdsweptaroundhimindifferent。
"Ibegyourpardon，"saidJohnny，comingintocollisionwithastoutgentleman。
"Myfault，"repliedthestoutgentleman，as，smiling，hepickeduphisdamagedhat。
"Ibegyourpardon，"repeatedJohnnyagaintwominuteslater，collidingwithatallyounglady。
"Shouldadviseyoutotakesomethingforthatsquintofyours，"
remarkedthetallyoungladywithseverity。
"What’sthematterwithme？"thoughtJohnny。"Seemstobeasortofmist——"Theexplanationflashedacrosshim。"Ofcourse，"saidJohnnytohimself，"it’sthisconfoundedveil！"
JohnnydecidedtowalktotheMarbleSoapoffices。"I’llbemoreusedtothehangofthingsbythetimeIgetthereifIwalk，"
thoughtJohnny。"Hopetheoldbeggar’sin。"
InNewgateStreet，Johnnypausedandpressedhishandsagainsthischest。"FunnysortofpainI’vegot，"thoughtJohnny。"WonderifIshouldshockthemifIwentinsomewhereforadropofbrandy？"
"Itdon’tgetanybetter，"reflectedJohnny，withsomealarm，onreachingthecornerofCheapside。"HopeI’mnotgoingtobeill。
Whatever——"Theexplanationcametohim。"Ofcourse，it’sthesedamnedstays！Nowondergirlsareshort—tempered，attimes。"
AttheofficesoftheMarbleSoap，Johnnywastreatedwithmarkedcourtesy。Mr。Jowettwasout，wasnotexpectedbacktillfiveo’clock。Wouldtheladywait，orwouldshecallagain？Theladydecided，nowshewasthere，towait。Wouldtheladytaketheeasy—
chair？Wouldtheladyhavethewindowopenorwouldshehaveitshut？HadtheladyseenTheTimes？
"OrtheHa’pennyJoker？"suggestedajuniorclerk，whothereuponwaspromptlysentbacktohiswork。
Manyoftheseniorclerkshadoccasiontopassthroughthewaiting—
room。Twooftheseniorclerksheldviewsabouttheweatherwhichtheyappearedwishfultoexpressatlength。Johnnybegantoenjoyhimself。Thisthingwasgoingtobegoodfun。Bythetimetheslammingofdoorsandthehurryingoffeetannouncedtheadventofthechief，Johnnywaslookingforwardtohisinterview。
Itwasbrieferandlesssatisfactorythanhehadanticipated。Mr。
Jowettwasverybusy——didnotasaruleseeanybodyintheafternoon;butofcourse，alady——WouldMiss——"
"Montgomery。"
"WouldMissMontgomeryinformMr。Jowettwhatitwashemighthavethepleasureofdoingforher？"
MissMontgomeryexplained。
Mr。Jowettseemedhalfangry，halfamused。
"Really，"saidMr。Jowett，"thisishardlyplayingthegame。