第4章

Idon’tknowhowtodescribeit。PleaseaskBurcottoletmeofftheantequariancongress。IfeelIshoulddoitbadly。IamsothankfulhehasNOrelatives——inEngland。IshouldhavebeensoTERRIBLYnervous。TwelvehoursagoIcouldnothaveDREAMTofit，andnowIwalkontiptoeforfearofwakingup。DidIleavemychinchillaatyourrooms？Don’tbeangrywithme。IshouldhavetoldyouifIhadknown。Inhaste。Yours，Mary。"

"It’sdatedfromMaryleboneRoad，andyesterdayafternoonshedidleaveherchinchillainmyrooms，whichmakesmethinkitreallymustbefromMaryRamsbotham。OtherwiseIshouldhavemydoubts，"

addedMissFossett，asshefoldeduptheletterandreplaceditinherbag。

"Idislove！"wastheexplanationofDr。WilliamSmith，hisround，redfaceilluminatedwithpoeticecstasy。"Lovehasgonetoher——

hasdransformedheronceagainintotheleedlemaid。"

"Love，"retortedSusanFossett，"doesn’ttransformanintelligent，educatedwomanintoapersonwhowritesaletterallinjerks，underlineseveryotherword，spellsantiquarianwithan’e，’andBurcott’sname，whomshehasknownforthelasteightyears，withonlyone’t。’Thewomanhasgonestark，staringmad！"

"Wemustwaituntilwehaveseenhim，"wasPeter’sjudiciousview。

"Ishouldbesogladtothinkthatthedearladywashappy。"

"SoshouldI，"addedMissFossettdrily。

"OneofthemostsensiblewomenIhaveevermet，"commentedWilliamClodd。"Luckyman，whoeverheis。HalfwishI’dthoughtofitmyself。"

"Iamnotsayingthatheisn’t，"retortedMissFossett。"Itisn’thimI’mworryingabout。"

"Ipreesumeyoumean’he，’"suggestedtheWeeLaddie。"Theverb’tobe’——"

"Forgoodness’sake，"suggestedMissFossetttoTommy，"givethatmansomethingtoeatordrink。That’stheworstofpeoplewhotakeupgrammarlateinlife。Likeallconverts，theybecomefanatical。"

"She’sarippinggoodsort，isMaryRamsbotham，"exclaimedGrindleyjunior，printerandpublisherofGoodHumour。"Themarveltomeisthatnomanhithertohaseverhadthesensetowanther。"

"Oh，youmen！"criedMissFossett。"Aprettyfaceandanemptyheadisallyouwant。"

"Musttheyalwaysgotogether？"laughedMrs。Grindleyjunior，neeHelvetiaAppleyard。

"Exceptionsprovetherule，"gruntedMissFossett。

"Whatahappysayingthatis，"smiledMrs。Grindleyjunior。"I

wondersometimeshowconversationwasevercarriedonbeforeitwasinvented。"

"DemanwhowouldfallinlovewidourdearfrentMary，"thoughtDr。Smith，"hemustbequiteegsceptional。"

"Youneedn’ttalkaboutherasifshewasamonster——Imeanwere，"

correctedherselfMissFossett，withahastyglancetowardstheWeeLaddie。"Thereisn’tamanIknowthat’sworthyofher。"

"Imean，"explainedthedoctor，"dathemustbeamanofcharacter—

—ofbrain。Idisdenoblemandatisattractedbydenoblewoman。"

"Bythechorus—girlmoreoften，"suggestedMissFossett。

"Wemusthopeforthebest，"counselledPeter。"Icannotbelievethataclever，capablewomanlikeMaryRamsbothamwouldmakeafoolofherself。"

"FromwhatIhaveseen，"repliedMissFossett，"it’sjustthecleverpeople——asregardsthisparticularmatter——whodomakefoolsofthemselves。"

UnfortunatelyMissFossett’sjudgmentprovedtobecorrect。OnbeingintroducedafortnightlatertoMissRamsbotham’sfiance，theimpulseofBohemiawastoexclaim，"GreatScott！Whateverinthenameof——"ThenoncatchingsightofMissRamsbotham’stransfiguredfaceandtremblinghandsBohemiarecollecteditselfintimetomurmurinstead："Delighted，I’msure！"andtooffermechanicalcongratulations。ReginaldPeterswasaprettybutremarkablyfoolish—lookingladofabouttwo—and—twenty，withcurlyhairandrecedingchin;buttoMissRamsbothamevidentlyapromisingApollo。Herfirstmeetingwithhimhadtakenplaceatoneofthemanypoliticaldebatingsocietiestheninfashion，attendanceatwhichMissRamsbothamfoundusefulforpurposesofjournalistic"copy。"MissRamsbotham，hithertoaRadicalofpronouncedviews，hehadsucceededunderthreemonthsinconvertingintoastrongsupporteroftheGentlemanlyParty。Hisfeeblepoliticalplatitudes，whichalittlewhilebeforeshewouldhaveseizeduponmerrilytoridicule，shenowsatdrinkingin，herplainfacesuffusedwithadmiration。Awayfromhimandinconnectionwiththosesubjects——somewhatnumerous——aboutwhichheknewlittleandcaredless，sheretainedhersenseandhumour;butinhispresencesheremainedcomparativelyspeechless，gazingupintohissomewhatwateryeyeswiththegratefulexpressionofonelearningwisdomfromamaster。

Herabsurdadoration——irritatingbeyondmeasuretoherfriends，andwhicheventoherlover，hadhepossessedagrainofsense，wouldhaveappearedridiculous——toMasterPeterswasevidentlyagratification。Ofselfish，exactingnature，hemusthavefoundtheservicesofthisbrilliantwomanoftheworldofmuchpracticaladvantage。KnowingallthemostinterestingpeopleinLondon，itwasherprideandpleasuretointroducehimeverywhere。Herfriendsputupwithhimforhersake;topleasehermadehimwelcome，didtheirbesttolikehim，anddisguisedtheirfailure。

Thefreeentrytoaplacesofamusementsavedhislimitedpurse。

Herinfluence，hehadinstinctenoughtoperceive，couldnotfailtobeofusetohiminhisprofession：thatofabarrister。Shepraisedhimtoprominentsolicitors，tookhimtoteawithjudges’

wives，interestedexaminersonhisbehalf。Inreturnheoverlookedhermanydisadvantages，anddidnotfailtoletherknowit。MissRamsbotham’sgratitudewasboundless。

"IdosowishIwereyoungerandbetterlooking，"shesighedtothebosomfriend。"Formyself，Idon’tmind;Ihavegotusedtoit。

ButitissohardonReggie。Hefeelsit，Iknowhedoes，thoughheneveropenlycomplains。"

"Hewouldbeacadifhedid，"answeredSusanFossett，whohavingtriedconscientiouslyforamonthtotoleratethefellow，hadintheenddeclaredherinabilityeventodomorethanavoidopenexpressionofcordialdislike。"AddedtowhichIdon’tquiteseeofwhatuseitwouldbe。Younevertoldhimyouwereyoungandpretty，didyou？"

"Itoldhim，mydear，"repliedMissRamsbotham，"theactualtruth。

Idon’twanttotakeanycreditfordoingso;itseemedthebestcourse。Yousee，unfortunately，Ilookmyage。Withmostmenitwouldhavemadeadifference。Youhavenoideahowgoodheis。Heassuredmehehadengagedhimselftomewithhiseyesopen，andthattherewasnoneedtodwelluponunpleasanttopics。Itissowonderfultomethatheshouldcareforme——hewhocouldhavehalfthewomeninLondonathisfeet。"

"Yes，he’sthetypethatwouldattractthem，Idaresay，"agreedSusanFossett。"Butareyouquitesurethathedoes？——careforyou，Imean。"

"Mydear，"returnedMissRamsbotham，"yourememberRochefoucauld’sdefinition。’Oneloves，theotherconsentstobeloved。’IfhewillonlyletmedothatIshallbecontent。ItismorethanIhadanyrighttoexpect。"

"Oh，youareafool，"toldherbluntlyherbosomfriend。

"IknowIam，"admittedMissRamsbotham;"butIhadnoideathatbeingafoolwassodelightful。"

Bohemiagrewdaybydaymoreindignantandamazed。YoungPeterswasnotevenagentleman。Allthelittleofficesofcourtshiphelefttoher。Itwasshewhohelpedhimonwithhiscoat，andafterwardsadjustedherowncloak;shewhocarriedtheparcel，shewhofollowedintoandoutoftherestaurant。Onlywhenhethoughtanyonewaswatchingwouldhemakeanyattempttobehavetoherwithevenordinarycourtesy。Hebulliedher，contradictedherinpublic，ignoredheropenly。Bohemiafumedwithimpotentrage，yetwasboundtoconfessthatsofarasMissRamsbothamherselfwasconcernedhehaddonemoretomakeherhappythanhadeverallBohemiaputtogether。Atenderlighttookupitsdwellinginhereyes，whichforthefirsttimeitwasnoticedweresingularlydeepandexpressive。Theblood，ofwhichshepossessedifanythingtoomuch，nowcameandwent，sothathercheeks，inplaceoftheirinsistentred，tookonavariedpinkandwhite。Lifehadenteredherthickdarkhair，givingtoitshadeandshadow。

Thewomanbegantogrowyounger。Sheputonflesh。Sex，hithertodormant，begantoshowitself;femininitiespeepedout。Newtones，suggestingpossibilities，creptintohervoice。Bohemiacongratulateditselfthattheaffair，afterall，mightturnoutwell。

ThenMasterPetersspoiledeverythingbyshowingabettersidetohisnature，and，carelessofallworldlyconsiderations，fallinginlovehimself，honestly，withagirlatthebunshop。Hedidthebestthingunderthecircumstancesthathecouldhavedone：toldMissRamsbothamtheplaintruth，andleftthedecisioninherhands。

MissRamsbothamactedasanyonewhoknewherwouldhaveforetold。

Possibly，inthesilenceofherdelightfullittlefour—roomedflatoverthetailor’sshopinMaryleboneRoad，hersober，worthymaiddismissedforaholiday，shemayhaveshedsometears;but，ifso，notraceofthemwasallowedtomarthepeaceofmindofMr。

Peters。Shemerelythankedhimforbeingfrankwithher，andbyalittlepresentpainsavingthembothafutureofdisaster。Itwasquiteunderstandable;sheknewhehadneverreallybeeninlovewithher。Shehadthoughthimthetypeofmanthatneverdoesfallinlove，asthewordisgenerallyunderstood——MissRamsbothamdidnotadd，withanyoneexcepthimself——andhadthatbeenthecase，andhecontentmerelytobeloved，theymighthavebeenhappytogether。Asitwas——well，itwasfortunatehehadfoundoutthetruthbeforeitwastoolate。Now，wouldhetakeheradvice？

Mr。Peterswasgenuinelygrateful，aswellhemightbe，andwouldconsenttoanysuggestionthatMissRamsbothammightmake;felthehadbehavedshabbily，wasverymuchashamedofhimself，wouldbeguidedinallthingsbyMissRamsbotham，whomheshouldalwaysregardasthetruestoffriends，andsoon。

MissRamsbotham’ssuggestionwasthis：Mr。Peters，nomorerobustofbodythanofmind，hadbeenspeakingforsometimepastoftravel。Havingnothingtodonowbuttowaitforbriefs，whynottakethisopportunityofvisitinghisonlywell—to—dorelative，aCanadianfarmer。Meanwhile，letMissPeggyleavethebunshopandtakeupherresidenceinMissRamsbotham’sflat。Lettherebenoengagement——merelyanunderstanding。Thegirlwaspretty，charming，good，MissRamsbothamfeltsure;but——well，alittleeducation，alittletraininginmannersandbehaviourwouldnotbeamiss，wouldit？If，onreturningattheendofsixmonthsorayear，Mr。Peterswasstillofthesamemind，andPeggyalsowishful，theaffairwouldbeeasier，woulditnot？

Therefollowedfurtherexpressionsofeternalgratitude。MissRamsbothamsweptallsuchaside。Itwouldbepleasanttohaveabrightyounggirltolivewithher;teaching，mouldingsuchanonewouldbeapleasantoccupation。

AndthusitcametopassthatMr。ReginaldPetersdisappearedforawhilefromBohemia，totheregretofbutfew，andthereenteredintoitonePeggyNutcombe，asprettyachildasevergladdenedtheeyeofman。Shehadwavy，flaxenhair，acomplexionthatmighthavebeenmanufacturedfromtheessenceofwildroses，thenosethatTennysonbestowsuponhismiller’sdaughter，andamouthworthyoftheLowtherArcadeinitsdaysofglory。Addtothisthequickgraceofakitten，withtheappealinghelplessnessofababyinitsfirstshortfrock，andyouwillbeabletoforgiveMr。

ReginaldPetershisfaithlessness。Bohemialookedfromonetotheother——fromthefairytothewoman——andceasedtoblame。Thatthefairywasasstupidasacamel，asselfishasapig，andaslazyasaniggerBohemiadidnotknow;nor——solongasherfigureandcomplexionremainedwhatitwas——woulditsjudgmenthavebeeninfluenced，evenifithad。IspeakoftheBohemianmale。

Butthatisjustwhatherfigureandcomplexiondidnotdo。Mr。

ReginaldPeters，findinghisuncleold，feeble，andinclinedtobefond，deemedittohisadvantagetostaylongerthanhehadintended。Twelvemonthswentby。MissPeggywaslosingherkittenishgrace，wasbecominglumpy。Acoupleofpimples——oneneartheright—handcornerofherrosebudmouth，andanotherontheleft—handsideofhertip—tiltednose——marredherbabyface。Attheendofanothersixmonthsthemencalledherplump，andthewomenfat。Herwalkwasdegeneratingintoawaddle;stairscausedhertogrunt。Shetooktobreathingwithhermouth，andBohemianoticedthatherteethweresmall，badlycoloured，anduneven。Thepimplesgrewinsizeandnumber。Thecreamandwhiteofhercomplexionwasmergingintoageneralyellow。Acertaingreasinessofskinwasmanifestingitself。BabyishwaysinconnectionwithawomanwhomusthaveweighedaboutelevenstonestruckBohemiaasincongruous。Hermanners，judgedalone，hadimproved。Buttheyhadnotimprovedher。Theydidnotbelongtoher;theydidnotfither。TheysatonherasSundaybroadclothonayokel。Shehadlearnedtoemployher"h’s"correctly，andtospeakgoodgrammar。

Thisgavetoherconversationapainfullyartificialair。Thelittlelearningshehadabsorbedwassufficienttobestowuponheranangryconsciousnessofherowninvincibleignorance。

Meanwhile，MissRamsbothamhadcontinueduponhercourseofrejuvenation。Attwenty—nineshehadlookedthirty—five;atthirty—twoshelookednotadayolderthanfive—and—twenty。

Bohemiafeltthatshouldsheretrogradefurtheratthesamerateshewouldsoonhavetoshortenherfrocksandletdownherhair。A

nervousexcitabilityhadtakenpossessionofherthatwasplayingstrangefreaksnotonlywithherbody，butwithhermind。Whatitgavetotheoneitseemedtotakefromtheother。Oldfriends，accustomedtoenjoywithhertheluxuryofplainspeech，wonderedinvainwhattheyhaddonetooffendher。Herdesirewasnowtowardsnewfriends，newfaces。Hersenseofhumourappearedtobedepartingfromher;itbecameunsafetojestwithher。Ontheotherhand，sheshowedherselfgreedyforadmirationandflattery。

Herformerchumssteppedbackastonishedtowatchbrainlessyoungfopsmakingtheirwaywithherbycomplimentingheruponherblouse，orwhisperingtohersometritenonsenseabouthereyelashes。Fromherworkshetookagoodpercentageofherbrainpowertobestowitonherclothes。Ofcourse，shewassuccessful。

Herdressessuitedher，showedhertothebestadvantage。

Beautifulshecouldneverbe，andhadsenseenoughtoknowit;butacharming，distinguished—lookingwomanshehadalreadybecome。

Also，shewasonthehighroadtobecomingavain，egotistical，commonplacewoman。

Itwasduringtheprocessofthis，hermetamorphosis，thatPeterHopeoneeveningreceivedanotefromherannouncingherintentionofvisitinghimthenextmorningattheeditorialofficeofGoodHumour。Sheaddedinapostscriptthatshewouldprefertheinterviewtobeprivate。

PunctuallytothetimeappointedMissRamsbothamarrived。MissRamsbotham，contrarytohercustom，openedconversationwiththeweather。MissRamsbothamwasofopinionthattherewaseverypossibilityofrain。PeterHope’sexperiencewasthattherewasalwayspossibilityofrain。

"HowisthePaperdoing？"demandedMissRamsbotham。

ThePaper——forapapernotyettwoyearsold——wasdoingwell。"Weexpectveryshortly——veryshortlyindeed，"explainedPeterHope，"toturnthecorner。"

"Ah！that’corner，’"sympathisedMissRamsbotham。

"Iconfess，"smiledPeterHope，"itdoesn’tseemtobeexactlyaright—angledcorner。Onereachesitasonethinks。Butittakessomegettinground——whatIshoulddescribeasacornerycorner。"

"Whatyouwant，"thoughtMissRamsbotham，"areoneortwopopularfeatures。"

"Popularfeatures，"agreedPeterguardedly，scentingtemptation，"arenottobedespised，providedonesteersclearofthevulgarandthecommonplace。"

"ALadies’Page！"suggestedMissRamsbotham——"apagethatshouldmakethewomanbuyit。Thewomen，believeme，aregoingtobeofmoreandmoreimportancetotheweeklypress。"

"Butwhyshouldshewantaspecialpagetoherself？"demandedPeterHope。"Whyshouldnotthepaperasawholeappealtoher？"

"Itdoesn’t，"wasallMissRamsbothamcouldofferinexplanation。

"Wegiveherliteratureandthedrama，poetry，fiction，thehigherpolitics，the——"

"Iknow，Iknow，"interruptedMissRamsbotham，whooflate，amongotherfailingsnewtoher，haddevelopedatendencytowardsimpatience;"butshegetsallthatinhalfadozenotherpapers。I

havethoughtitout。"MissRamsbothamleanedfurtheracrosstheeditorialdeskandsunkhervoiceunconsciouslytoaconfidentialwhisper。"Tellherthecomingfashions。Discussthequestionwhetherhatorbonnetmakesyoulooktheyounger。Tellherwhetherredhairorblackistobethenewcolour，whatsizewaistisbeingwornbythebestpeople。Oh，come！"laughedMissRamsbothaminanswertoPeter’sshockedexpression;"onecannotreformtheworldandhumannatureallatonce。Youmustappealtopeople’sfollyinordertogetthemtolistentoyourwisdom。Makeyourpaperasuccessfirst。Youcanmakeitapowerafterwards。"

"But，"arguedPeter，"therearealreadysuchpapers——papersdevotedto——tothatsortofthing，andtonothingelse。"

"Atsixpence！"repliedthepracticalMissRamsbotham。"Iamthinkingofthelowermiddle—classwomanwhohastwentypoundsayeartospendondress，andwhotakestwelvehoursadaytothinkaboutit，poorcreature。Mydearfriend，thereisafortuneinit。

Thinkoftheadvertisements。"

PoorPetergroaned——oldPeter，thedreamerofdreams。ButforthoughtofTommy！onedaytobeleftalonetobattlewithastony—

eyed，deafworld，Petermostassuredlywouldhaveriseninhiswrath，wouldhavesaidtohisdistinguished—lookingtemptress，"Gettheebehindme，MissRamsbotham。Myjournalisticinstinctwhisperstomethatyourscheme，judgedbythemammonofunrighteousness，isgood。Itisanewdeparture。TenyearshencehalftheLondonjournalswillhaveadoptedit。Thereismoneyinit。Butwhatofthat？ShallIformeredrosssellmyeditorialsoul，turnthetempleoftheMightyPenintoadenof——ofmilliners！Goodmorning，MissRamsbotham。Igrieveforyou。Igrieveforyouasforafellow—workeronceinspiredbydevotiontoanoblecalling，whohasfallenfromherhighestate。Goodmorning，madam。"

SoPeterthoughtashesattattooingwithhisfinger—tipsuponthedesk;butonlysaid—

"Itwouldhavetobewelldone。"

"Everythingwoulddependuponhowitwasdone，"agreedMissRamsbotham。"Badlydone，theideawouldbewasted。Youwouldbemerelygivingitawaytosomeotherpaper。"

"Doyouknowofanyone？"queriedPeter。

"Iwasthinkingofmyself，"answeredMissRamsbotham。

"Iamsorry，"saidPeterHope。

"Why？"demandedMissRamsbotham。"Don’tyouthinkIcoulddoit？"

"Ithink，"saidPeter，"noonecoulddoitbetter。Iamsorryyoushouldwishtodoit——thatisall。"

"Iwanttodoit，"repliedMissRamsbotham，anoteofdoggednessinhervoice。

"Howmuchdoyouproposetochargeme？"Petersmiled。

"Nothing。"

"Mydearlady——"

"Icouldnotinconscience，"explainedMissRamsbotham，"takepaymentfrombothsides。Iamgoingtomakeagooddealoutofit。

Iamgoingtomakeoutofitatleastthreehundredayear，andtheywillbegladtopayit。"

"Whowill？"

"Thedressmakers。IshallbeoneofthemoststylishwomeninLondon，"laughedMissRamsbotham。

"Youusedtobeasensiblewoman，"Peterremindedher。

"Iwanttolive。"

"Can’tyoumanagetodoitwithout——withoutbeingafool，mydear。"

"No，"answeredMissRamsbotham，"awomancan’t。I’vetriedit。"

"Verywell，"agreedPeter，"beitso。"

Peterhadrisen。Helaidhisshapely，whiteoldhanduponthewoman’sshoulder。"Tellmewhenyouwanttogiveitup。Ishallbeglad。"

Thusitwasarranged。GoodHumourgainedcirculationand——ofmoreimportanceyet——advertisements;andMissRamsbotham，asshehadpredicted，thereputationofbeingoneofthebest—dressedwomeninLondon。HerreasonfordesiringsuchreputationPeterHopehadshrewdlyguessed。Twomonthslaterhissuspicionswereconfirmed。

Mr。ReginaldPeters，hisunclebeingdead，wasonhiswaybacktoEngland。

HisreturnwasawaitedwithimpatienceonlybytheoccupantsofthelittleflatintheMaryleboneRoad;andbetweenthesetwothedifferenceofsymptomwasmarked。MistressPeggy，toostupidtocomprehendthechangethathadbeentakingplaceinher，lookedforwardtoherlover’sarrivalwithdelight。Mr。ReginaldPeters，independentlyofhisprofession，wasinconsequenceofhisuncle’sdeathamanofmeans。MissRamsbotham’stutelage，whichhadalwaysbeendistastefultoher，wouldnowbeatanend。Shewouldbea"lady"inthetruesenseoftheword——accordingtoMissPeggy’sdefinition，awomanwithnothingtodobuteatanddrink，andnothingtothinkofbutdress。MissRamsbotham，ontheotherhand，whomighthaveanticipatedthehome—comingofherquondamadmirerwithhope，exhibitedastrangeconditionofalarmedmisery，whichincreasedfromdaytodayasthedatedrewnearer。

Themeeting——whetherbydesignoraccidentwasneverknown——tookplaceataneveningpartygivenbytheproprietorsofanewjournal。ThecircumstancewascertainlyunfortunateforpoorPeggy，whomBohemiabegantopity。Mr。Peters，knowingbothwomenwouldbethereandsoonthelook—out，sawinthedistanceamongthecrowdofnotabilitiesasuperblymillinered，tall，gracefulwoman，whosefacerecalledsensationshecouldnotforthemomentplace。Chieflynoticeableaboutherwereherexquisiteneckandarms，andtheairofperfectbreedingwithwhichshemoved，talkingandlaughing，throughthedistinguished，fashionablethrong。

Besideherstrutted，nervouslyaggressive，avulgar，fat，pimply，shapelessyoungwoman，attractinguniversalattentionbytheincongruityofherpresenceintheroom。Onbeinggreetedbythegracefulladyoftheneckandarms，theconvictionforceditselfuponhimthatthiscouldbenootherthantheonceMissRamsbotham，plainoffaceandindifferentofdress，whoseveryappearancehehadalmostforgotten。Onbeinggreetedgushinglyas"Reggie"bythesallow—complexioned，over—dressedyoungwomanhebowedwithevidentastonishment，andapologisedforamemorythat，soheassuredthelady，hadalwaysbeentohimasourceofdespair。

Ofcourse，hethankedhisstars——andMissRamsbotham——thattheengagementhadneverbeenformal。SofarasMr。Peterswasconcerned，therewasanendtoMistressPeggy’sdreamofanexistenceofeverlastingbreakfastsinbed。LeavingtheRamsbothamflat，shereturnedtothematernalroof，andthereacourseofhardworkandplainlivingtendedgreatlytoimproveherfigureandcomplexion;sothatincourseoftime，thegodssmilingagainuponher，shemarriedaforemanprinter，andpassesoutofthisstory。

Meanwhile，Mr。ReginaldPeters——older，andthepossessor，perhaps，ofmoresense——lookedatMissRamsbothamwithneweyes，andnownottoleratedbutdesiredher。Bohemiawaitedtoassistatthehappyterminationofaprettyandsomewhatnovelromance。MissRamsbothamhadshownnosignofbeingattractedelsewhere。

Flattery，compliment，shecontinuedtowelcome;butmerely，soitseemed，asfavourablecriticism。Suitorsmorefitandproperwerenownotlacking，forMissRamsbotham，thoughawomanlessdesirablewhenwon，camereadilytothethoughtofwooing。Buttoallsuchsheturnedalaughingface。

"Ilikeherforit，"declaredSusanFossett;"andhehasimproved——

therewasroomforit——thoughIwishitcouldhavebeensomeother。

TherewasJackHerring——itwouldhavebeensomuchmoresuitable。

OrevenJoe，inspiteofhissize。Butit’sherwedding，notours;

andshewillnevercareforanyoneelse。"

AndBohemiaboughtitspresents，andhadthemready，butnevergavethem。AfewmonthslaterMr。ReginaldPetersreturnedtoCanada，abachelor。MissRamsbothamexpressedherdesireforanotherprivateinterviewwithPeterHope。

"ImayaswellkeepontheLettertoClorinda，"thoughtMissRamsbotham。"Ihavegotintotheknackofit。ButIwillgetyoutopaymeforitintheordinaryway。"

"Iwouldratherhavedonesofromthebeginning，"explainedPeter。

"Iknow。Icouldnotinconscience，asItoldyou，takefrombothsides。Forthefuture——well，theyhavesaidnothing;butIexpecttheyarebeginningtogettiredofit。"

"Andyou！"questionedPeter。

"Yes。Iamtiredofitmyself，"laughedMissRamsbotham。"Lifeisn’tlongenoughtobeawell—dressedwoman。"

"Youhavedonewithallthat？"

"Ihopeso，"answeredMissRamsbotham。

"Anddon’twanttotalkanymoreaboutit？"suggestedPeter。

"Notjustatpresent。Ishouldfinditsodifficulttoexplain。"

Byothers，lesssympatheticthanoldPeter，vigorousattemptsweremadetosolvethemystery。MissRamsbothamtookenjoymentincleverlyevadingthesetormentors。Thwartedateverypoint，thegossipsturnedtootherthemes。MissRamsbothamfoundinterestonceagaininthehigherbranchesofhercalling;becameagain，byslowdegrees，thesensible，frank，’goodsort’thatBohemiahadknown，liked，respected——everythingbutloved。

Yearslater，toSusanFossett，thecasewasmadeclear;andthroughSusanFossett，aniceenoughwomanbuttalkative，thosefewstillinterestedlearnedtheexplanation。

"Love，"saidMissRamsbothamtothebosomfriend，"isnotregulatedbyreason。Asyousay，thereweremanymenImighthavemarriedwithmuchmorehopeofhappiness。ButInevercaredforanyotherman。Hewasnotintellectual，wasegotistical，possiblyenoughselfish。Themanshouldalwaysbeolderthanthewoman;hewasyounger，andhewasaweakcharacter。YetIlovedhim。"

"Iamgladyoudidn’tmarryhim，"saidthebosomfriend。

"SoamI，"agreedMissRamsbotham。

"Ifyoucan’ttrustme，"hadsaidthebosomfriendatthispoint，"don’t。"

"Imeanttodoright，"saidMissRamsbotham，"uponmywordofhonourIdid，inthebeginning。"

"Idon’tunderstand，"saidthebosomfriend。

"Ifshehadbeenmyownchild，"continuedMissRamsbotham，"Icouldnothavedonemore——inthebeginning。Itriedtoteachher，toputsomesenseintoher。Lord！thehoursIwastedonthatlittleidiot！Imarvelatmyownpatience。Shewasnothingbutananimal。Ananimal！shehadonlyananimal’svices。Toeatanddrinkandsleepwasherideaofhappiness;heroneambitionmaleadmiration，andshehadn’tcharacterenoughtoputsufficientcurbuponherstomachtoretainit。Ireasonedwithher，Ipleadedwithher，Ibulliedher。HadIpersistedImighthavesucceededbysheerphysicalandmentalstrengthinrestrainingherfromruiningherself。Iwaswinning。Ihadmadeherfrightenedofme。HadI

goneon，Imighthavewon。Bydraggingheroutofbedinthemorning，byinsistinguponhertakingexercise，byregulatingeveryparticleoffoodanddrinksheputintohermouth，Ikeptthelittlebeastingoodconditionfornearlythreemonths。Then，I

hadtogoawayintothecountryforafewdays;shesworeshewouldobeymyinstructions。WhenIcamebackIfoundshehadbeeninbedmostofthetime，andhadbeenlivingchieflyonchocolateandcakes。Shewascurledupasleepinaneasy—chair，snoringwithhermouthwideopen，whenIopenedthedoor。Andatsightofthatpicturethedevilcametomeandtemptedme。WhyshouldIwastemytime，wearmyselfoutinmindandbody，thatthemanIlovedshouldmarryapigbecauseitlookedlikeanangel？’Sixmonths’

wallowingaccordingtoitsowndesireswouldrevealitinitstrueshape。SofromthatdayIleftittoitself。No，worsethanthat—

—Idon’twanttosparemyself——Iencouragedher。Iletherhaveafireinherbedroom，andhalfhermealsinbed。Iletherhavechocolatewithtablespoonfulsofcreamfloatingonthetop：shelovedit。Shewasneverreallyhappyexceptwheneating。Iletherorderherownmeals。Itookafiendishdelightwatchingthedaintylimbsturningtoshapelessfat，thepink—and—whitecomplexiongrowingblotchy。Itisfleshthatmanloves;brainandmindandheartandsoul！heneverthinksofthem。Thislittlepink—and—whitesowcouldhavecutmeoutwithSolomonhimself。Whyshouldsuchcreatureshavetheworldarrangedforthem，andwenotbeallowedtouseourbrainsinourowndefence？Butformylooking—glassImighthaveresistedthetemptation，butIalwayshadsomethingofthemaninme：thesportofthethingappealedtome。IsupposeitwasthenervousexcitementunderwhichIwaslivingthatwaschangingme。Allmysapwasgoingintomybody。

Givensufficienttime，Imightmeetherwithherownweapons，animalagainstanimal。Well，youknowtheresult：Iwon。Therewasnodoubtabouthisbeinginlovewithme。Hiseyeswouldfollowmeroundtheroom，feastingonme。Ihadbecomeafineanimal。Mendesiredme，DoyouknowwhyIrefusedhim？HewasineverywayabettermanthanthesillyboyIhadfalleninlovewith;buthecamebackwithacoupleoffalseteeth：Isawthegoldsettingonedaywhenheopenedhismouthtolaugh。Idon’tsayforamoment，mydear，thereisnosuchthingaslove——lovepure，ennobling，worthyofmenandwomen，itsrootsintheheartandnowhereelse。ButthatloveIhadmissed;andtheother！I

sawitinitstruelight。Ihadfalleninlovewithhimbecausehewasapretty，curly—headedboy。HehadfalleninlovewithPeggywhenshewaspink—and—whiteandslim。Ishallalwaysseethelookthatcameintohiseyeswhenshespoketohimatthehotel，thelookofdisgustandloathing。Thegirlwasthesame;itwasonlyherbodythathadgrownolder。Icouldseehiseyesfixeduponmyarmsandneck。Ihadgottogrowoldintime，brownskinned，andwrinkled。Ithoughtofhim，growingbald，fat——"

"Ifyouhadfalleninlovewiththerightman，"hadsaidSusanFossett，"thoseideaswouldnothavecometoyou。"

"Iknow，"saidMissRamsbotham。"Hewillhavetolikemethinandintheseclothes，justbecauseIamnice，andgoodcompany，andhelpful。ThatisthemanIamwaitingfor。"

Henevercamealong。Acharming，bright—eyed，white—hairedladyoccupiesalonealittleflatintheMaryleboneRoad，looksinoccasionallyattheWriters’Club。SheisstillMissRamsbotham。

Bald—headedgentlemenfeelyoungagaintalkingtoher：sheissosympathetic，sobig—minded，sounderstanding。Then，hearingtheclockstrike，tearthemselvesfromherwithasigh，andreturnhome——someofthem——tostupidshrewishwives。

STORYTHEFIFTH：JoeyLoveredgeagrees——oncertainterms——tojointheCompanyThemostpopularmemberoftheAutolycusClubwasundoubtedlyJosephLoveredge。Small，chubby，clean—shaven，hissomewhatlongish，soft，brownhairpartedinthemiddle，strangersfellintotheerrorofassuminghimtobeyoungerthanhereallywas。Itisonrecordthataleadingladynovelist——acceptingheratherownestimate——irritatedbyhispolitebutfirmrefusaltoallowherentranceintohisowneditorialofficewithoutappointment，hadonceboxedhisears，undertheimpressionthathewashisownoffice—boy。GueststotheAutolycusClub，onbeingintroducedtohim，wouldgivetohimkindmessagestotakehometohisfather，withwhomtheyrememberedhavingbeenatschooltogether。Thissortofthingmighthaveannoyedanyonewithlesssenseofhumour。

JosephLoveredgewouldtellsuchstorieshimself，keenlyenjoyingthejest——wasevensuspectedofinventingsomeofthemoreimprobable。AnotherfacttendingtothepopularityofJosephLoveredgeamongallclasses，overandabovehisamiability，hiswit，hisgenuinekindliness，andhisnever—failingfundofgoodstories，wasthatbycareandinclinationhehadsucceededinremainingabachelor。Manyhadbeentheattemptstocapturehim;

norwiththepassingoftheyearshadinterestinthesportshownanysignofdiminution。Welloverthefrailtiesanddistemperssodangeroustoyouth，ofstaidandsoberhabits，withanever—

increasingcapitalinvestedinsoundsecurities，togetherwithanever—increasingincomefromhispen，withatastefullyfurnishedhouseoverlookingRegent’sPark，anexcellentanddevotedcookandhouse—keeper，andrelativesmostlysettledintheColonies，JosephLoveredge，thoughinexperiencedgirlsmightpasshimbywithacontemptuoussniff，wasrecognisedbyladiesofmaturerjudgmentasaprizenottoooftendangledbeforetheeyesofspinsterhood。Oldfoxes——soweareassuredbykind—heartedcountrygentlemen——ratherenjoythanotherwiseadaywiththehounds。Howeverthatmaybe，certainitisthatJosephLoveredge，confidentofhimself，onepresumes，showednoparticulardisinclinationtothechase。

Perhapsonthewholehepreferredthesocietyofhisownsex，withwhomhecouldlaughandjestwithmorefreedom，towhomhecouldtellhisstoriesastheycametohimwithoutthetroubleofhavingtoturnthemoverfirstinhisownmind;but，ontheotherhand，Joeymadenoattempttoavoidfemalecompanywheneveritcamehisway;andthennocavaliercouldrenderhimselfmoreagreeable，moreunobtrusivelyattentive。Youngermenstoodby，inenviousadmirationoftheeasewithwhichinfiveminuteshewouldestablishhimselfontermsofcosyfriendshipwiththebrilliantbeautybeforewhosegraciouscoldnesstheyhadstoodshiveringformonths;thedaringwithwhichhewouldtuckunderhisarm，sotospeak，theprettiestgirlintheroom，smoothdownasifbymagicherhundredprickles，andteaseheroutofheroverwhelmingsenseofherownself—importance。Thesecretofhissuccesswas，probably，thathewasnotafraidofthem。Desiringnothingfromthembeyondcompanionableness，areasonableamountofappreciationforhisjokes——whichwithoutbeingexceptionallystupidtheywouldhavefounditdifficulttowithhold——withjustsufficientinformationandintelligencetomakeconversationinteresting，therewasnothingabouthimbywhichtheycouldlayholdofhim。

Ofcourse，thatrenderedthemparticularlyanxioustolayholdofhim。Joseph’sladyfriendsmight，roughlyspeaking，bedividedintotwogroups：theunmarried，whowantedtomarryhimtothemselves;andthemarried，whowantedtomarryhimtosomebodyelse。Itwouldbeasocialdisaster，thelatterhadagreedamongthemselves，ifJosephLoveredgeshouldneverwed。

"HewouldmakesuchanexcellenthusbandforpoorBridget。"

"OrGladys。IwonderhowoldGladysreallyis？"

"Suchanice，kindlittleman。"

"AndwhenonethinksofthesortofmenthatAREmarried，itdoesseemsuchapity！"

"Iwonderwhyheneverhasmarried，becausehe’sjustthesortofmanyou’dthinkWOULDhavemarried。"

"Iwonderifheeverwasinlove。"

"Oh，mydear，youdon’tmeantotellmethatamanhasreachedtheageoffortywithouteverbeinginlove！"

Theladieswouldsigh。

"Idohopeifeverhedoesmarry，itwillbesomebodynice。Menaresoeasilydeceived。"

"Ishouldn’tbesurprisedmyselfabitifsomethingcameofitwithBridget。She’sadeargirl，Bridget——sogenuine。"

"Well，Ithinkmyself，dear，ifit’sanyone，it’sGladys。IshouldbesogladtoseepoordearGladyssettled。"

Theunmarriedkepttheirthoughtsmoretothemselves。Eachone，uponreflection，sawgroundforthinkingthatJosephLoveredgehadgivenproofoffeelingpreferenceforherself。Theirritatingthingwasthat，onfurtherreflection，itwasequallyclearthatJosephLoveredgehadshownsignsofpreferringmostoftheothers。

MeanwhileJosephLoveredgewentundisturbeduponhisway。Ateighto’clockinthemorningJoseph’shousekeeperenteredtheroomwithacupofteaandadrybiscuit。Ateight—fifteenJosephLoveredgearoseandperformedcomplicatedexercisesonanindiarubberpulley，warranted，ifperseveredin，tobestowgraceuponthefigureandelasticityuponthelimbs。JosephLoveredgeperseveredsteadily，andhaddonesoforyears，andwashimselfcontentedwiththeresult，which，seeingitconcernednobodyelse，wasallthatcouldbedesired。Athalf—pasteightonMondays，Wednesdays，andFridays，JosephLoveredgebreakfastedononecupoftea，brewedbyhimself;oneegg，boiledbyhimself;andtwopiecesoftoast，thefirstonespreadwithmarmalade，thesecondwithbutter。OnTuesdays，Thursdays，andSaturdaysJosephLoveredgediscardedeggsandatearasherofbacon。OnSundaysJosephLoveredgehadbotheggsandbacon，butthenallowedhimselfhalfanhourlongerforreadingthepaper。Atnine—thirtyJosephLoveredgeleftthehousefortheofficeoftheold—establishedjournalofwhichhewastheincorruptibleandhonouredCityeditor。Atone—forty—five，havinglefthisofficeatone—thirty，JosephLoveredgeenteredtheAutolycusClubandsatdowntolunch。EverythingelseinJoseph’slifewasarrangedwithsimilarpreciseness，sofaraswaspossiblewiththedutiesofaCityeditor。MondayeveningJosephspentwithmusicalfriendsatBrixton。FridaywasJoseph’stheatrenight。OnTuesdaysandThursdayshewasopentoreceiveinvitationsouttodinner;onWednesdaysandSaturdaysheinvitedfourfriendstodinewithhimatRegent’sPark。OnSundays，whatevertheseason，JosephLoveredgetookanexcursionintothecountry。Hehadhisregularhoursforreading，hisregularhoursforthinking。WhetherinFleetStreet，ortheTyrol，ontheThames，orintheVatican，youmightrecognisehimfromafarbyhisgreyfrock—coat，hispatent—

leatherboots，hisbrownfelthat，hislavendertie。Themanwasabornbachelor。WhenthenewsofhisengagementcreptthroughthesmokyportalsoftheAutolycusClubnobodybelievedit。

"Impossible！"assertedJackHerring。"I’veknownJoey’slifeforfifteenyears。Everyfiveminutesisarrangedfor。Hecouldneverhavefoundthetimetodoit。"

"Hedoesn’tlikewomen，notinthatway;I’veheardhimsayso，"

explainedAlexanderthePoet。"HisopinionisthatwomenaretheartistsofSociety——delightfulasentertainers，buttroublesometolivewith。"

"Icalltomind，"saidtheWeeLaddie，"astoryhetoldmeinthisverraroom，barelythreemonthsagone：SomehalfadozenofthemweregonghometogetherfromtheDevonshire。Theyhadhadajoyousevening，andoneofthem——Joeydidnotnoticewhich——suggestedtheirdroppinginathisplacejustforafinalwhisky。Theywerelaughingandtalkinginthedining—room，whentheirhostesssuddenlyappeareduponthesceneinacostume——soJoeydescribedit——thecharmofwhichwasitsvariety。Shewasanice—lookingwoman，Joeysaid，buttalkedtoomuch;andwhenthefirstlulloccurred，Joeyturnedtothemansittingnighesttohim，andwholookedbored，andsuggestedinawhisperthatitwasabouttimetheywent。

"’Perhapsyouhadbettergo，’assentedthebored—lookingman。

’WishIcouldcomewithyou;but，yousee，Ilivehere。’"

"Idon’tbelieveit，"saidSomervilletheBriefless。"He’sbeencrackinghisjokes，andsomesillywomanhastakenhimseriously。"

Buttherumourgrewintoreport，developeddetail，lostallcharm，expandedintoplainrecitaloffact。JoeyhadnotbeenseenwithintheClubformorethanaweek——initselfadeadlyconfirmation。

Thequestionbecame：Whowasshe——whatwasshelike？

"It’snoneofourset，orweshouldhaveheardsomethingfromhersidebeforenow，"arguedacutelySomervilletheBriefless。

"Somebeastlykidwhowillinviteustodancesandforgetthesupper，"fearedJohnnyBulstrode，commonlycalledtheBabe。"Oldmenalwaysfallinlovewithyounggirls。"

"Forty，"explainedseverelyPeterHope，editorandpartproprietorofGoodHumour，"isnotold。"

"Well，itisn’tyoung，"persistedJohnny。

"Goodthingforyou，Johnny，ifitisagirl，"thoughtJackHerring。"Somebodyforyoutoplaywith。Ioftenfeelsorryforyou，havingnobodybutgrown—uppeopletotalkto。"

"Theydogetabitstodgyafteracertainage，"agreedtheBabe。

"Iamhoping，"saidPeter，"itwillbesomesensible，pleasantwoman，alittleoverthirty。Heisadearfellow，Loveredge;andfortyisaverygoodageforamantomarry。"

"Well，ifI’mnotmarriedbeforeI’mforty——"saidtheBabe。

"Oh，don’tyoufret，"JackHerringinterruptedhim——"aprettyboylikeyou！Wewillgiveaballnextseason，andbringyouout，ifyou’regood——getyouoffourhandsinnotime。"

ItwasAugust。JoeywentawayforhisholidaywithoutagainenteringtheClub。Thelady’snamewasHenriettaElizabethDoone。

ItwassaidbytheMorningPostthatshewasconnectedwiththeDoonesofGloucestershire。

DoonesofGloucestershire——DoonesofGloucestershiremusedMissRamsbotham，Societyjournalist，whowrotetheweeklyLettertoClorinda，discussingthematterwithPeterHopeintheeditorialofficeofGoodHumour。"KnewaDoonwhokeptabigsecond—handstoreinEustonRoadandcalledhimselfanauctioneer。HeboughtasmallplaceinGloucestershireandaddedan’e’tohisname。

Wonderifit’sthesame？"

"IhadacatcalledElizabethonce，"saidPeterHope。

"Idon’tseewhatthat’sgottodowithit。"

"No，ofcoursenot，"agreedPeter。"ButIwasratherfondofit。

Itwasaquaintsortofanimal，consideredasacat——wouldneverspeaktoanothercat，andhatedbeingoutafterteno’clockatnight。"

"Whathappenedtoit？"demandedMissRamsbotham。

"Felloffaroof，"sighedPeterHope。"Wasn’tusedtothem。"

Themarriagetookplaceabroad，attheEnglishChurchatMontreux。

Mr。andMrs。LoveredgereturnedattheendofSeptember。TheAutolycusClubsubscribedtosendapresentofapunch—bowl，leftcards，andwaitedwithcuriositytoseethebride。Butnoinvitationarrived。NorforamonthwasJoeyhimselfseenwithintheClub。Then，onefoggyafternoon，wakingafteradoze，withacoldcigarinhismouth，JackHerringnoticedhewasnottheonlyoccupantofthesmoking—room。Inafarcorner，nearawindow，satJosephLoveredgereadingamagazine。JackHerringrubbedhiseyes，thenroseandcrossedtheroom。

"Ithoughtatfirst，"explainedJackHerring，recountingtheincidentlaterintheevening，"thatImustbedreaming。Therehesat，drinkinghisfiveo’clockwhisky—and—soda，thesameJoeyLoveredgeIhadknownforfifteenyears;yetnotthesame。Notafeaturealtered，notahaironhisheadchanged，yetthewholefacewasdifferent;thesamebody，thesameclothes，butanotherman。

Wetalkedforhalfanhour;herememberedeverythingthatJoeyLoveredgehadknown。Icouldn’tunderstandit。Then，astheclockstruck，andherose，sayinghemustbehomeathalf—pastfive，theexplanationsuddenlyoccurredtome：JOEYLOVEREDGEWASDEAD;THIS

WASAMARRIEDMAN。"

"Wedon’twantyourfeebleeffortsatpsychologicalromance，"toldhimSomervilletheBriefless。"Wewanttoknowwhatyoutalkedabout。Deadormarried，themanwhocandrinkwhisky—and—sodamustbeheldresponsibleforhisactions。What’sthelittlebeggarmeanbycuttingusallinthisway？Didheaskafteranyofus？Didheleaveanymessageforanyofus？Didheinviteanyofustocomeanseehim？"

"Yes，hedidaskafternearlyeverybody;Iwascomingtothat。Buthedidn’tleaveanymessage。Ididn’tgatherthathewaspiningforoldrelationshipswithanyofus。"

"Well，Ishallgoroundtotheofficeto—morrowmorning，"saidSomervilletheBriefless，"andforcemywayinifnecessary。Thisisgettingmysterious。"

ButSomervillereturnedonlytopuzzletheAutolycusClubstillfurther。Joeyhadtalkedabouttheweather，thestateofpoliticalparties，hadreceivedwithunfeignedinterestallgossipconcerninghisoldfriends;butabouthimself，hiswife，nothinghadbeengleaned。Mrs。Loveredgewaswell;Mrs。Loveredge’srelationswerealsowell。ButatpresentMrs。Loveredgewasnotreceiving。

MembersoftheAutolycusClubwithtimeupontheirhandstookupthebusinessofprivatedetectives。Mrs。Loveredgeturnedouttobeahandsome，well—dressedladyofaboutthirty，asPeterHopehaddesired。Ateleveninthemorning，Mrs。LoveredgeshoppedintheneighbourhoodoftheHampsteadRoad。Intheafternoon，Mrs。

Loveredge，inahiredcarriage，wouldslowlypromenadethePark，looking，itwasnoticed，withintenseinterestattheoccupantsofothercarriagesastheypassed，butevidentlyhavingnoacquaintancesamongthem。Thecarriage，asageneralrule，wouldcallatJoey’sofficeatfive，andMr。andMrs。Loveredgewoulddrivehome。JackHerring，astheoldestfriend，urgedbytheothermembers，tookthebullbythehornsandcalledboldly。OnneitheroccasionwasMrs。Loveredgeathome。

"I’mdamnedifIgoagain！"saidJack。"Shewasinthesecondtime，Iknow。Iwatchedherintothehouse。Confoundthestuck—uppairofthem！"

Bewildermentgaveplacetoindignation。NowandagainJoeywouldcreep，amentalshadowofhisformerself，intotheClubwhereonceeverymemberwouldhaverisenwithasmiletogreethim。Theygavehimcurtanswersandturnedawayfromhim。PeterHopeoneafternoonfoundhimtherealone，standingwithhishandsinhispocketslookingoutofwindow。Peterwasfifty，sohesaid，maybealittleolder;menoffortyweretohimmereboys。SoPeter，whohatedmysteries，steppedforwardwithadeterminedairandclappedJoeyontheshoulder。

"Iwanttoknow，Joey，"saidPeter，"IwanttoknowwhetherIamtogoonlikingyou，orwhetherI’vegottothinkpoorlyofyou。Outwithit。"

JoeyturnedtohimafacesofullofmiserythatPeter’sheartwastouched。"Youcan’ttellhowwretcheditmakesme，"saidJoey。"I

didn’tknowitwaspossibletofeelsouncomfortableasIhavefeltduringtheselastthreemonths。"

"It’sthewife，Isuppose？"suggestedPeter。

"She’sadeargirl。Sheonlyhasonefault。"

"It’saprettybigone，"returnedPeter。"IshouldtryandbreakherofitifIwereyou。"

"Breakherofit！"criedthelittleman。"Youmightaswelladvisemetobreakabrickwallwithmyhead。Ihadnoideawhattheywerelike。Ineverdreamtit。"

"Butwhatisherobjectiontous？Weareclean，wearefairlyintelligent——"

"MydearPeter，doyouthinkIhaven’tsaidallthat，andahundredthingsmore？Awoman！shegetsanideaintoherhead，andeveryargumentagainstithammersitinfurther。ShehasgainedhernotionofwhatshecallsBohemiafromthecomicjournals。It’sourownfault，wehavedoneitourselves。There’snopersuadingherthatit’salibel。"

"Won’tsheseeafewofus——judgeforherself？There’sPorson——whyPorsonmighthavebeenabishop。OrSomerville——Somerville’sOxfordaccentiswastedhere。Ithasnochance。"

"Itisn’tonlythat，"explainedJoey;"shehasambitions，socialambitions。Shethinksthatifwebeginwiththewrongset，we’llnevergetintotheright。Wehavethreefriendsatpresent，and，sofarasIcansee，areneverlikelytohaveanymore。Mydearboy，you’dneverbelievetherecouldexistsuchbores。There’samanandhiswifenamedHolyoake。TheydinewithusonThursdays，andwedinewiththemonTuesdays。TheironlytitletoexistenceconsistsintheirhavingacousinintheHouseofLords;theyclaimnootherrightthemselves。Heisawidower，gettingonforeighty。

Apparentlyhe’stheonlyrelativetheyhave，andwhenhedies，theytalkofretiringintothecountry。There’safellownamedCutler，whovisitedonceatMarlboroughHouseinconnectionwithacharity。

You’dthinktolistentohimthathehaddesignsuponthethrone。

Themosttiresomeofthemallisanoisywomanwho，asfarasIcanmakeout，hasn’tanynameatall。’MissMontgomery’isonhercards，butthatisonlywhatshecallsherself。Whoshereallyis！

ItwouldshakethefoundationsofEuropeansocietyifknown。Wesitandtalkaboutthearistocracy;wedon’tseemtoknowanybodyelse。Itriedononeoccasionalittlesarcasmasacorrective——

recountedconversationsbetweenmyselfandthePrinceofWales，inwhichIinvariablyaddressedhimas’Teddy。’Itsoundstall，I

know，butthosepeopletookitin。Iwastooastonishedtoundeceivethematthetime，theconsequenceisIamasortoflittlegodtothem。Theycomeroundmeandaskformore。WhatamItodo？Iamhelplessamongthem。I’veneverhadanythingtodobeforewiththereallyfirst—prizeidiot;theusualtype，ofcourse，oneknows，butthese，ifyouhaven’tmetthem，areinconceivable。Itryinsultingthem;theydon’tevenknowIaminsultingthem。Shortofdraggingthemoutoftheirchairsandkickingthemroundtheroom，Idon’tseehowtomakethemunderstandit。"

"AndMrs。Loveredge？"askedthesympatheticPeter，"isshe——"

"Betweenourselves，"saidJoey，sinkinghisvoicetoaneedlesswhisper，seeingheandPeterwerethesoleoccupantsofthesmoking—room——"Icouldn’t，ofcourse，sayittoayoungerman——butbetweenourselves，mywifeisacharmingwoman。Youdon’tknowher。"

"Doesn’tseemmuchchanceofmyeverdoingso，"laughedPeter。

"Sograceful，sodignified，so——soqueenly，"continuedthelittleman，withrisingenthusiasm。"Shehasonlyonefault——shehasnosenseofhumour。"

ToPeter，asithasbeensaid，menoffortyweremereboys。

"Mydearfellow，whatevercouldhaveinducedyou——"

"Iknow——Iknowallthat，"interruptedthemereboy。"Naturearrangesitonpurpose。Tallandsolemnprigsmarrylittlewomenwithturned—upnoses。Cheerfullittlefellowslikemyself——wemarryserious，statelywomen。Ifitwereotherwise，thehumanracewouldbesplitupintospecies。"

"Ofcourse，ifyouwereactuatedbyasenseofpublicduty——"

"Don’tbeafool，PeterHope，"returnedthelittleman。"I’minlovewithmywifejustassheis，andalwaysshallbe。Iknowthewomanwithasenseofhumour，andofthetwoIprefertheonewithout。TheJunotypeismyideal。Imusttaketheroughwiththesmooth。Onecan’thaveajolly，chirpyJuno，andwouldn’tcareforherifonecould。"

"Thenareyougoingtogiveupallyouroldfriends？"

"Don’tsuggestit，"pleadedthelittleman。"Youdon’tknowhowmiserableitmakesme——themereidea。Tellthemtobepatient。

Thesecretofdealingwithwomen，Ihavefound，istodonothingrashly。"Theclockstruckfive。"Imustgonow，"saidJoey。

"Don’tmisjudgeher，Peter，anddon’tlettheothers。She’sadeargirl。You’lllikeher，allofyou，whenyouknowher。Adeargirl！Sheonlyhasthatonefault。"

Joeywentout。

PeterdidhisbestthateveningtoexplainthetruepositionofaffairswithoutimputingsnobberytoMrs。Loveredge。Itwasadifficulttask，andPetercannotbesaidtohaveaccomplisheditsuccessfully。AngerandindignationagainstJoeygaveplacetopity。ThemembersoftheAutolycusClubalsoexperiencedalittleirritationontheirownaccount。

"Whatdoesthewomantakeusfor？"demandedSomervilletheBriefless。"Doesn’tsheknowthatwelunchwithrealactorsandactresses，thatonceayearweareinvitedtodineattheMansionHouse？"

"Hassheneverheardofthearistocracyofgenius？"demandedAlexanderthePoet。

"Theexplanationmaybethatpossiblyshehasseenit，"fearedtheWeeLaddie。

"Oneofusoughttowaylaythewoman，"arguedtheBabe——"insistuponhertalkingtohimfortenminutes。I’vehalfamindtodoitmyself。"

JackHerringsaidnothing——seemedthoughtful。

ThenextmorningJackHerring，stillthoughtful，calledattheeditorialofficesofGoodHumour，inCraneCourt，andborrowedMissRamsbotham’sDebrett。ThreedayslaterJackHerringinformedtheClubcasuallythathehaddinedthenightbeforewithMr。andMrs。

Loveredge。TheClubgaveJackHerringpolitelytounderstandthattheyregardedhimasaliar，andproceededtodemandparticulars。

"IfIwasn’tthere，"explainedJackHerring，withunanswerablelogic，"howcanItellyouanythingaboutit？"

ThisannoyedtheClub，whosecuriosityhadbeenwhetted。Threemembers，actingintheinterestsofthewhole，solemnlyundertooktobelievewhateverhemighttellthem。ButJackHerring’sfeelingshadbeenwounded。

"Whengentlemencastadoubtuponanothergentleman’sveracity——"

"Wedidn’tcastadoubt，"explainedSomervilletheBriefless。"Wemerelysaidthatwepersonallydidnotbelieveyou。Wedidn’tsaywecouldn’tbelieveyou;itisacaseforindividualeffort。Ifyougiveusparticularsbearingtheimpressofreality，supportedbydetailsthatdonotundulycontradicteachother，wearepreparedtoputasideournaturalsuspicionsandfacethepossibilityofyourstatementbeingcorrect。"

"Itwasfoolishofme，"saidJackHerring。"IthoughtperhapsitwouldamuseyoutohearwhatsortofawomanMrs。Loveredgewaslike——somedescriptionofMrs。Loveredge’suncle。MissMontgomery，friendofMrs。Loveredge，iscertainlyoneofthemostremarkablewomenIhaveevermet。Ofcourse，thatisn’therrealname。But，asIhavesaid，itwasfoolishofme。Thesepeople——youwillnevermeetthem，youwillneverseethem;ofwhatinterestcantheybetoyou？"

"Theyhadforgottentodrawdowntheblinds，andheclimbedupalamp—postandlookedthroughthewindow，"wasthesolutionoftheproblemputforwardbytheWeeLaddie。

"I’mdiningthereagainonSaturday，"volunteeredJackHerring。

"Ifanyofyouwillpromisenottomakeadisturbance，youcanhangaboutontheParkside，underneaththeshadowofthefence，andwatchmegoin。Myhansomwilldrawupatthedoorwithinafewminutesofeight。"

TheBabeandthePoetagreedtoundertakethetest。

"Youwon’tmindourhangingroundalittlewhile，incaseyou’rethrownoutagain？"askedtheBabe。