第7章

"Oh，didyou？Youthoughtthatagoodidea。AnA1prizeidiotI

seemtohavemarried，Ido。You’vebeengonetwentyminutes，andyoubringmebackaneight-corneredpieceofbrokenglass，whichyouthinkwemight’workinto’thenest。You’dliketoseemesittingonitforamonth，youwould。Youthinkitwouldmakeanicebedforthechildrentolieon。Youdon’tthinkyoucouldmanagetofindapacketofmixedpinsifyouwentdownagain，Isuppose。

They’dlookpretty’workedin’somewhere，don’tyouthink？——Here，getoutofmyway。I’llfinishthisnestbymyself。"Shealwayshadbeenshortwithhim。

Shecaughtuptheoffendingobject——itwasafairlyheavylumpofglass——andflungitoutofthetreewithallherforce。Ihearditcrashthroughthecucumberframe。Thatmakestheseventhpaneofglassbrokeninthatcucumberframethisweek。Thecoupleinthebranchabovearetheworst。Theirplanofbuildingisthemostextravagant，themostabsurdIeverheardof。Theyhoistuptentimesasmuchmaterialastheycanpossiblyuse；youmightthinktheyweregoingtobuildablock，andletitoutinflatstotheotherrooks。Thenwhattheydon’twanttheyflingdownagain。

Supposewebuiltonsuchaprinciple？SupposeahumanhusbandandwifeweretostarterectingtheirhouseinPiccadillyCircus，letussay；andsupposethemanspentallthedaysteadilycarryingbricksuptheladderwhilehiswifelaidthem，neveraskingherhowmanyshewanted，whethershedidn’tthinkhehadbroughtupsufficient，butjustaccumulatingbricksinasenselessfashion，bringingupeverybrickhecouldfind。Andthensuppose，wheneveningcame，andlookinground，theyfoundtheyhadsometwentycart-loadsofbrickslyingunuseduponthescaffold，theyweretocommenceflingingthemdownintoWaterlooPlace。Theywouldgetthemselvesintotrouble；

somebodywouldbesuretospeaktothemaboutit。Yetthatispreciselywhatthosebirdsdo，andnobodysaysawordtothem。TheyaresupposedtohaveaPresident。Helivesbyhimselfintheyewtreeoutsidethemorning-roomwindow。WhatIwanttoknowiswhatheissupposedtobegoodfor。ThisisthesortofthingIwanthimtolookinto。Iwouldlikehimtobewormingunderneathoneeveningwhenthosetwobirdsaretidyingup：perhapshewoulddosomethingthen。IhavedoneallIcan。Ihavethrownstonesatthem，that，inthecourseofnature，havereturnedtoearthagain，breakingmoreglass。Ihaveblazedatthemwitharevolver；buttheyhavecometoregardthisproceedingasamereexpressionoflight-heartednessonmypart，possiblyconfusingmewiththeAraboftheDesert，who，I

amgiventounderstand，expresseshimselfthusinmomentsofdeepemotion。Theymerelyretiretoasafedistancetowatchme；nodoubtregardingmeasapoorperformer，inasmuchasIdonotalsodanceandshoutbetweeneachshot。Ihavenoobjectiontotheirbuildingthere，iftheyonlywouldbuildsensibly。Iwantsomebodytospeaktothemtowhomtheywillpayattention。

Youcanhearthemintheevening，discussingthematterofthissurplusstock。

"Don’tyouworkanymore，"hesays，ashecomesupwiththelastload，"you’lltireyourself。"

"Well，Iamfeelingabitdoneup，"sheanswers，asshehopsoutofthenestandstraightensherback。

"You’reabitpeckish，too，Iexpect，"headdssympathetically。"I

knowIam。Wewillhaveascratchdown，andbeoff。"

"Whataboutallthisstuff？"sheasks，whiletitivatingherself；

"we’dbetternotleaveitabout，itlookssountidy。"

"Oh，we’llsoongetridofthat，"heanswers。"I’llhavethatdowninajiffy。"

Tohelphim，sheseizesastickandisabouttodropit。Hedartsforwardandsnatchesitfromher。

"Don’tyouwastethatone，"hecries，"that’sarareone，thatis。

Youseemehittheoldmanwithit。"

Andhedoes。Whatthegardenersays，Iwillleaveyoutoimagine。

Judgedfromitsstructure，therookfamilyissupposedtocomenextinintelligencetomanhimself。JudgingfromtheintelligencedisplayedbymembersofcertainhumanfamilieswithwhomIhavecomeincontact，Icanquitebelieveit。ThatrookstalkIampositive。

Noonecanspendhalf-an-hourwatchingarookerywithoutbeingconvincedofthis。Whetherthetalkbealwayswiseandwitty，Iamnotpreparedtomaintain；butthatthereisagooddealofitiscertain。AyoungFrenchgentlemanofmyacquaintance，whovisitedEnglandtostudythelanguage，toldmethattheimpressionmadeuponhimbyhisfirstsocialeveninginLondonwasthatofaparrot-house。Lateron，whenhecametocomprehend，he，ofcourse，recognizedthebrilliancyanddepthoftheaverageLondondrawing-roomtalk；butthatishow，notcomprehending，itimpressedhimatfirst。Listeningtotheriotofarookeryismuchthesameexperience。Theconversationtoussoundsmeaningless；therooksthemselveswouldprobablydescribeitassparkling。

ThereisaMisanthropeIknowwhohardlyevergoesintoSociety。I

arguedthequestionwithhimoneday。"WhyshouldI？"hereplied；

"Iknow，say，adozenmenandwomenwithwhomintercourseisapleasure；theyhaveideasoftheirownwhichtheyarenotafraidtovoice。Torubbrainswithsuchisarareandgoodlything，andI

thankHeavenfortheirfriendship；buttheyaresufficientformyleisure。WhatmoredoIrequire？Whatisthis’Society’ofwhichyouallmakesomuchado？Ihavesampledit，andIfinditunsatisfying。Analyzeitintoitselements，whatisit？SomepersonIknowveryslightly，whoknowsmeveryslightly，asksmetowhatyoucallan’AtHome。’Theeveningcomes，Ihavedonemyday’sworkandIhavedined。Ihavebeentoatheatreorconcert，orI

havespentapleasanthourorsowithafriend。Iammoreinclinedforbedthananythingelse，butIpullmyselftogether，dress，anddrivetothehouse。WhileIamtakingoffmyhatandcoatinthehall，amanentersImetafewhoursagoattheClub。HeisamanI

haveverylittleopinionof，andhe，probably，takesasimilarviewofme。Ourmindshavenothoughtincommon，butasitisnecessarytotalk，Itellhimitisawarmevening。Perhapsitisawarmevening，perhapsitisn’t；ineithercaseheagreeswithme。IaskhimifheisgoingtoAscot。IdonotcareastrawwhetherheisgoingtoAscotornot。Hesaysheisnotquitesure，butasksmewhatchancePassionFlowerhasfortheThousandGuineas。Iknowhedoesn’tvaluemyopiniononthesubjectatabrassfarthing——hewouldbeafoolifhedid，butIcudgelmybrainstoreplytohim，asthoughheweregoingtostakehisshirtonmyadvice。Wereachthefirstfloor，andaremutuallygladtogetridofoneanother。I

catchmyhostess’eye。Shelookstiredandworried；shewouldbehappierinbed，onlyshedoesn’tknowit。Shesmilessweetly，butitisclearshehasnottheslightestideawhoIam，andiswaitingtocatchmynamefromthebutler。Iwhisperittohim。Perhapshewillgetitright，perhapshewon’t；itisquiteimmaterial。Theyhaveaskedtwohundredandfortyguests，someseventy-fiveofwhomtheyknowbysight，fortherest，anychancepasser-by，able，asthetheatricaladvertisementssay，’todressandbehaveasagentleman，’

woulddoeverybitaswell。Indeed，Isometimeswonderwhypeoplegotothetroubleandexpenseofinvitationcardsatall。A

sandwich-manoutsidethedoorwouldanswerthepurpose。’LadyTompkins，AtHome，thisafternoonfromthreetoseven；TeaandMusic。LadiesandGentlemenadmittedonpresentationofvisitingcard。Afternoondressindispensable。’Thecrowdisthethingwanted；asfortheitems，well，tellme，whatisthedifference，fromtheSocietypointofview，betweenonemaninablackfrock-coatandanother？

"IrememberbeingonceinvitedtoapartyatahouseinLancasterGate。Ihadmetthewomanatapicnic。InthesamegreenfrockandparasolImighthaverecognizedherthenexttimeIsawher。InanyotherclothesIdidnotexpectto。Mycabmantookmetothehouseopposite，wheretheywerealsogivingaparty。Itmadenodifferencetoanyofus。Thehostess——Ineverlearnthername——saiditwasverygoodofmetocome，andthenshuntedmeoffontoaColonialPremier（Ididnotcatchhisname，andhedidnotcatchmine，whichwasnotextraordinary，seeingthatmyhostessdidnotknowit）who，shewhisperedtome，hadcomeover，fromwhereveritwas（shedidnotseemtobeverysure）principallytomakemyacquaintance。Halfthroughtheevening，andbyaccident，I

discoveredmymistake，butjudgedittoolatetosayanythingthen。

ImetacoupleofpeopleIknew，hadalittlesupperwiththem，andcameaway。ThenextafternoonImetmyrighthostess——theladywhoshouldhavebeenmyhostess。Shethankedmeeffusivelyforhavingsacrificedthepreviouseveningtoherandherfriends；shesaidsheknewhowseldomIwentout：thatmadeherfeelmykindnessallthemore。ShetoldmethattheBrazilianMinister’swifehadtoldherthatIwasthecleverestmanshehadevermet。IoftenthinkI

shouldliketomeetthatman，whoeverhemaybe，andthankhim。

"Butperhapsthebutlerdoespronouncemynamerightly，andperhapsmyhostessactuallydoesrecognizeme。Shesmiles，andsaysshewassoafraidIwasnotcoming。Sheimpliesthatalltheotherguestsarebutasafeatherinherscalesofjoycomparedwithmyself。I

smileinreturn，wonderingtomyselfhowIlookwhenIdosmile。I

haveneverhadthecouragetofacemyownsmileinthelooking-glass。InoticetheSocietysmileofothermen，anditisnotreassuring。Imurmursomethingaboutmynothavingbeenlikelytoforgetthisevening；inmyturn，seekingtoimplythatIhavebeenlookingforwardtoitforweeks。Afewmenshineatthissortofthing，buttheyareasmallpercentage，andwithoutconceitI

regardmyselfasnobiggerafoolthantheaveragemale。Notknowingwhatelsetosay，Itellheralsothatitisawarmevening。

Shesmilesarchlyasthoughthereweresomehiddenwitticismintheremark，andIdriftaway，feelingashamedofmyself。TotalkasanidiotwhenyouAREanidiotbringsnodiscomfort；tobehaveasanidiotwhenyouhavesufficientsensetoknowit，ispainful。Ihidemyselfinthecrowd，andperhapsI’llmeetawomanIwasintroducedtothreeweeksagoatapicturegallery。Wedon’tknoweachother’snames，but，bothofusfeelinglonesome，weconverse，asitiscalled。Ifshebetheordinarytypeofwoman，sheasksmeifIamgoingontotheJohnsons’。Itellherno。Westandsilentforamoment，boththinkingwhatnexttosay。SheasksmeifIwasattheThompsons’thedaybeforeyesterday。Iagaintellherno。IbegintofeeldissatisfiedwithmyselfthatIwasnotattheThompsons’。

Tryingtogetevenwithher，IaskherifsheisgoingtotheBrowns’nextMonday。（TherearenoBrowns，shewillhavetosay，No。）Sheisnot，andhertonesuggeststhatasocialstigmarestsupontheBrowns。IaskherifshehasbeentoBarnum’sCircus；shehasn’t，butisgoing。IgivehermyimpressionsofBarnum’sCircus，whicharepreciselytheimpressionsofeverybodyelsewhohasseentheshow。

"Orifluckbeagainstme，sheispossiblyasmartwoman，thatistosay，herconversationisarunningfireofspitefulremarksattheexpenseofeveryonesheknows，andofsneersattheexpenseofeveryoneshedoesn’t。IalwaysfeelIcouldmakeabetterwomanmyself，outofabottleofvinegarandapenn’orthofmixedpins。

Yetitusuallytakesoneabouttenminutestogetawayfromher。

"Evenwhen，bychance，onemeetsaflesh-and-bloodmanorwomanatsuchgatherings，itisnotthetimeorplaceforrealconversation；

andasfortheshadows，whatpersonintheirsenseswouldexhaustasinglebraincelluponsuch？IrememberadiscussiononceconcerningTennyson，consideredasasocialitem。Thedullestandmostdensely-stupidboreIevercameacrosswastellinghowhehadsatnexttoTennysonatdinner。’Ifoundhimamostuninterestingman，’soheconfidedtous；’hehadnothingtosayforhimself——

absolutelynothing。’IshouldliketoresuscitateDr。SamuelJohnsonforanevening，andthrowhimintooneofthese’AtHomes’

ofyours。"

Myfriendisanadmittedmisanthrope，asIhaveexplained；butonecannotdismisshimasaltogetherunjust。ThatthereisacertainmysteryaboutSociety’scravingforSocietymustbeadmitted。I

stoodoneeveningtryingtoforcemywayintothesupperroomofahouseinBerkeleySquare。Alady，hotandweary，afewyardsinfrontofmewasstrugglingtothesamegoal。

"Why，"remarkedshetohercompanion，"whydowecometotheseplaces，andfightlikeaBankHolidaycrowdforeighteenpenny-worthoffood？"

"Wecomehere，"repliedtheman，whomIjudgedtobeaphilosopher，"tosaywe’vebeenhere。"

ImetA————-theotherevening，andaskedhimtodinewithmeonMonday。Idon’tknowwhyIaskA————-todinewithme，butaboutonceamonthIdo。Heisanuninterestingman。

"Ican’t，"hesaid，"I’vegottogototheB————-s’；confoundednuisance，itwillbeinfernallydull。"

"Whygo？"Iasked。

"Ireallydon’tknow，"hereplied。

AlittlelaterB————-metme，andaskedmetodinewithhimonMonday。

"Ican’t，"Ianswered，"somefriendsarecomingtousthatevening。

It’sadutydinner，youknowthesortofthing。"

"Iwishyoucouldhavemanagedit，"hesaid，"Ishallhavenoonetotalkto。TheA————-sarecoming，andtheyboremetodeath。"

"Whydoyouaskhim？"Isuggested。

"Uponmyword，Ireallydon’tknow，"hereplied。

Buttoreturntoourrooks。Wewerespeakingoftheirsocialinstincts。Somedozenofthem——the"scallywags"andbachelorsofthecommunity，Ijudgethemtobe——havestartedaClub。ForamonthpastIhavebeentryingtounderstandwhattheaffairwas。NowI

know：itisaClub。

AndfortheirClubHousetheyhavechosen，ofcourse，thetreenearestmybedroomwindow。Icanguesshowthatcameabout；itwasmyownfault，Ineverthoughtofit。Abouttwomonthsago，asinglerook——sufferingfromindigestionoranunhappymarriage，Iknownot——

chosethistreeonenightforpurposesofreflection。Hewokemeup：Ifeltangry。Iopenedthewindow，andthrewanemptysoda-waterbottleathim。Ofcourseitdidnothithim，andfindingnothingelsetothrow，Ishoutedathim，thinkingtofrightenhimaway。Hetooknonotice，butwentontalkingtohimself。Ishoutedlouder，andwokeupmyowndog。Thedogbarkedfuriously，andwokeupmostthingswithinaquarterofamile。Ihadtogodownwithaboot-jack——theonlythingIcouldfindhandy——tosoothethedog。

TwohourslaterIfellasleepfromexhaustion。Ilefttherookstillcawing。

Thenextnighthecameagain。Ishouldsayhewasabirdwithasenseofhumour。Thinkingthismighthappen，Ihad，however，takentheprecautiontohaveafewstonesready。Iopenedthewindowwide，andfiredthemoneafteranotherintothetree。AfterIhadclosedthewindow，hehoppeddownnearer，andcawedlouderthanever。Ithinkhewantedmetothrowmorestonesathim：heappearedtoregardthewholeproceedingasagame。Onthethirdnight，asIheardnothingofhim，Iflatteredmyselfthat，inspiteofhisbravado，Ihaddiscouragedhim。Imighthaveknownrooksbetter。

WhathappenedwhentheClubwasbeingformed，Itakeit，wasthis：

"WhereshallwefixuponforourClubHouse？"saidthesecretary，allotherpointshavingbeendisposedof。Onesuggestedthistree，anothersuggestedthat。Thenupspokethisparticularrook：

"I’lltellyouwhere，"saidhe，"intheyewtreeoppositetheporch。

AndI’lltellyouforwhy。Justaboutanhourbeforedawnamancomestothewindowovertheporch，dressedinthemostcomicalcostumeyoueverseteyesupon。I’lltellyouwhatheremindsmeof——thoselittlestatuesthatmenusefordecoratingfields。Heopensthewindow，andthrowsalotofthingsoutuponthelawn，andthenhedancesandsings。It’sawfullyinteresting，andyoucanseeitallfromtheyewtree。"

That，Iamconvinced，ishowtheClubcametofixuponthetreenextmywindow。Ihavehadthesatisfactionofdenyingthemtheexhibitiontheyanticipated，andIcheermyselfwiththehopethattheyhavevisitedtheirdisappointmentupontheirmisleader。

ThereisadifferencebetweenRookClubsandours。Inourclubstherespectablemembersarriveearly，andleaveatareasonablehour；inRookClubs，itwouldappear，thisprincipleisreversed。TheMadHatterwouldhavelikedthisClub——itwouldhavebeenaclubafterhisownheart。Itopensathalf-pasttwointhemorning，andthefirsttoarrivearethemostdisreputablemembers。InRook-landtherowdy-dowdy，randy-dandy，rollicky-rankyboysgetupveryearlyinthemorningandgotobedintheafternoon。Towardsdawn，theolder，moreorderlymembersdropinforreasonabletalk，andtheClubbecomesmorerespectable。Thetreeclosesaboutsix。Forthefirsttwohours，however，thegoings-onaredisgraceful。Theproceedings，asoftenasnot，openwithafight。Ifnotwogentlemencanbefoundtoobligewithafight，thenextnoisiestthingtofallbackuponisheldtobeasong。Itisnosatisfactiontometobetoldthatrookscannotsing。_I_knowthat，withoutthetroubleofreferringtothenaturalhistorybook。Itistherookwhodoesnotknowit；HEthinkshecan；andasamatteroffact，hedoes。Youcancriticizehissinging，youcancallitwhatyoulike，butyoucan’tstopit——atleast，thatismyexperience。Thesongselectedissuretobeonewithachorus。Towardstheenditbecomesmainlychorus，unlessthesoloistbeanextrapowerfulbird，determinedtoinsistuponhisrights。

ThePresidentknowsnothingofthisClub。Hegetsuphimselfaboutseven——threehoursafteralltheothershavefinishedbreakfast——andthenfussesroundundertheimpressionthatheiswakingupthecolony，thefat-headedoldfool。HeisthepoorestthinginPresidentsIhaveeverheardof。ASouthAmericanRepublicwouldsupplyabetterarticle。Therooksthemselves，themarriedmajority，fathersoffamilies，respectablenestholders，areasindignantasIam。Ihearcomplaintsfromallquarters。

Reflectioncomestooneas，towardsthecloseofthesechillafternoonsinearlyspring，oneleansuponthepaddockgatewatchingthenoisybustlinginthebareelms。

Sotheearthisgrowinggreenagain，andloveiscomeagainuntotheheartsofusoldsober-coatedfellows。Oh，Madam，yourfeathersgleamwondrousblack，andyourbonniebrighteyestabsdeep。Come，sitbyourside，andwe’lltellyouatalesuchasrooknevertoldbefore。It’sthetaleofanestinatopmostbough，thatswaysinthegoodwestwind。It’sstrongwithout，butit’ssoftwithin，wherethelittlegreeneggsliesafe。Andtheresitsinthatnestaladysweet，andshecawswithjoy，for，afar，sheseestherookshelovesthebest。Oh，hehasbeeneast，andhehasbeenwest，andhiscropitisfullofwormsandslugs，andtheyareallforher。

Weareold，oldrooks，somanyofus。Thewhiteisminglingwiththepurpleblackuponourbreasts。Wehaveseenthesetallelmsgrowfromsaplings；wehaveseentheoldtreesfallanddie。Yeteachseasoncometousagaintheyoungthoughts。Sowemateandbuildandgatherthatagainourold，oldheartsmayquivertothethincryofournewborn。

MotherNaturehasbutonecare，thechildren。WetalkofLoveastheLordofLife：itisbuttheMinister。OurnovelsendwhereNature’stalebegins。Thedramathatourcurtainfallsupon，isbuttheprologuetoherplay。HowtheancientDamemustlaughasshelistenstotheprattleofherchildren。"IsMarriageaFailure？"

"IsLifeworthLiving？""TheNewWomanversustheOld。"So，perhaps，thewavesoftheAtlanticdiscussvehementlywhethertheyshallfloweastorwest。

MotherhoodisthelawoftheUniverse。Thewholedutyofmanistobeamother。Welabour：towhatend？thechildren——thewomaninthehome，themaninthecommunity。Thenationtakesthoughtforitsfuture：why？Inafewyearsitsstatesmen，itssoldiers，itsmerchants，itstoilers，willbegathereduntotheirfathers。Whytroubleweourselvesaboutthefuture？Thecountrypoursitsbloodandtreasureintotheearththatthechildrenmayreap。FoolishJacquesBonhomie，hisaddledbrainfullofdreams，rusheswithbloodyhandstogivehisbloodforLiberty，Equality，Fraternity。

Hewillnotlivetosee，exceptinvision，thenewworldhegiveshisbonestobuild——evenhisspinningword-whippedheadknowsthat。

Butthechildren！theyshalllivesweeterlives。Thepeasantleaveshisfiresidetodieuponthebattle-field。Whatisittohim，agraininthehumansand，thatRussiashouldconquertheEast，thatGermanyshouldbeunited，thattheEnglishflagshouldwaveabovenewlands？theheritagehisfatherslefthimshallbegreaterforhissons。Patriotism！whatisitbutthemotherinstinctofapeople？

TakeitthatthedecreehasgoneforthfromHeaven：Thereshallbenomoregenerations，withthislifetheworldshalldie。Thinkyouweshouldmoveanotherhand？Theshipswouldrotintheharbours，thegrainwouldrotintheground。Shouldwepaintpictures，writebooks，makemusic？hemmedinbythatonwardcreepingseaofsilence。

Thinkyouwithwhateyeshusbandandwifewouldlookononeanother。

Thinkyouofthewooing——thespringofLovedriedup；loveonlyapoolofstagnantwater。

Howlittleweseemtorealizethisfoundationofourlife。Herein，ifnowhereelse，liesoureternity。ThisEgoshallneverdie——

unlessthehumanracefrombeginningtoendbebutapassingjestoftheGods，tobesweptasidewhenweariedof，leavingroomfornewexperiments。Thesefeaturesofmine——wewillnotdiscusstheiraestheticvalue——shallneverdisappear；modified，varied，butinessentialthesame，theyshallcontinueineverincreasingcirclestotheendofTime。Thistemperamentofmine——thisgoodandevilthatisinme，itshallgrowwitheveryage，spreadingeverwider，combining，amalgamating。Igointomychildrenandmychildren’schildren，Iameternal。Iamthey，theyareI。Thetreewithersandyoucleartheground，thankfulifoutofitsdeadlimbsyoucanmakegoodfirewood；butitsspirit，itslife，isinfiftysaplings。

Thetreediesnot，itchanges。

Thesemenandwomenthatpassmeinthestreet，thisonehurryingtohisoffice，thisonetohisclub，anothertohislove，theyarethemothersoftheworldtocome。

Thisgreedytricksterinstocksandshares，hecheats，helies，hewrongsallmen——forwhat？Followhimtohisluxurioushomeinthesuburbs：whatdoyoufind？Amanwithchildrenonhisknee，tellingthemstories，promisingthemtoys。Hisanxious，sordidlife，forwhatobjectisitlived？Thatthesechildrenmaypossessthethingsthathethinksgoodforthem。Ourveryvices，sidebysidewithourvirtues，springfromthisoneroot，Motherhood。ItistheoneseedoftheUniverse。Theplanetsarebutchildrenofthesun，themoonbutanoffspringoftheearth，stoneofherstone，ironofheriron。WhatistheGreatCentreofusall，lifeanimateandinanimate——ifanylifebeinanimate？Istheeternaluniverseonedimfigure，Motherhood，fillingallspace？

ThisschemingMotherofMayfair，anglingforarichson-in-law！Notapleasingportraittolookupon，fromonepointofview。Letuslookatit，foramoment，fromanother。Howwearyshemustbe！

Thisisherthird"function"to-night；thepaintisrunningoffherpoorface。Shehasbeensnubbedadozentimesbyhersocialsuperiors，openlyinsultedbyaDuchess；yetshebearsitwithapatientsmile。Itisapitifulambition，hers：itisthatherchildshallmarrymoney，shallhavecarriagesandmanyservants，liveinParkLane，weardiamonds，seehernameintheSocietyPapers。Atwhatevercosttoherself，herdaughtershall，ifpossible，enjoythesethings。Shecouldsomuchmorecomfortablygotobed，andleavethechildtomarrysomewell-to-docommercialtraveller。Justice，Reader，evenforsuch。HersordidschemingisbutthedeformedchildofMotherhood。

Motherhood！itisthegamutofGod’sorchestra，savagenessandcrueltyattheoneend，tendernessandself-sacrificeattheother。

Thesparrow-hawkfightsthehen：heseekingfoodforhisbrood，shedefendingherswithherlife。Thespidersuckstheflytofeeditsmyriadyoung；thecattorturesthemousetogiveitsstillthrobbingcarcasetoherkittens，andmanwrongsmanforchildren’ssake。

Perhapswhentheriotoftheworldreachesuswhole，notbroken，weshalllearnitisaharmony，eachjanglingdiscordfallenintoitsplacearoundthecentraltheme，Motherhood。

ONTHEINADVISABILITYOFFOLLOWINGADVICE

IwaspacingtheEustonplatformlateonewinter’snight，waitingforthelasttraintoWatford，whenInoticedamancursinganautomaticmachine。Twiceheshookhisfistatit。Iexpectedeverymomenttoseehimstrikeit。Naturallycurious，Idrewnearsoftly。

Iwantedtocatchwhathewassaying。However，heheardmyapproachingfootsteps，andturnedonme。"Areyoutheman，"saidhe，"whowasherejustnow？"

"Justwhere？"Ireplied。Ihadbeenpacingupanddowntheplatformforaboutfiveminutes。

"Whyhere，wherewearestanding，"hesnappedout。"Wheredoyouthink’here’is——overthere？"Heseemedirritable。

"Imayhavepassedthisspotinthecourseofmyperegrinations，ifthatiswhatyoumean，"Ireplied。Ispokewithstudiedpoliteness；

myideawastorebukehisrudeness。

"Imean，"heanswered，"areyouthemanthatspoketome，justaminuteago？"

"Iamnotthatman，"Isaid；"good-night。"

"Areyousure？"hepersisted。

"Oneisnotlikelytoforgettalkingtoyou，"Iretorted。

Histonehadbeenmostoffensive。"Ibegyourpardon，"herepliedgrudgingly。"Ithoughtyoulookedlikethemanwhospoketomeaminuteorsoago。"

Ifeltmollified；hewastheonlyothermanontheplatform，andI

hadaquarterofanhourtowait。"No，itcertainlywasn’tme，"I

returnedgenially，butungrammatically。"Why，didyouwanthim？"

"Yes，Idid，"heanswered。"Iputapennyintheslothere，"hecontinued，feelingapparentlytheneedofunburdeninghimself：

"wantedaboxofmatches。Icouldn’tgetanythingput，andIwasshakingthemachine，andswearingatit，asonedoes，whentherecamealongaman，aboutyoursize，and——you’reSUREitwasn’tyou？"

"Positive，"Iagainungrammaticallyreplied；"Iwouldtellyouifithadbeen。Whatdidhedo？"

"Well，hesawwhathadhappened，orguessedit。Hesaid，’Theyaretroublesomethings，thosemachines；theywantunderstanding。’I

said，’Theywanttakingupandflingingintothesea，that’swhattheywant！’IwasfeelingmadbecauseIhadn’tamatchaboutme，andIusealot。Hesaid，’Theysticksometimes；thethingtodoistoputanotherpennyin；theweightofthefirstpennyisnotalwayssufficient。Thesecondpennyloosensthedrawerandtumblesoutitself；sothatyougetyourpurchasetogetherwithyourfirstpennybackagain。Ihaveoftensucceededthatway。’Well，itseemedasillyexplanation，buthetalkedasifhehadbeenweanedbyanautomaticmachine，andIwassawneyenoughtolistentohim。I

droppedinwhatIthoughtwasanotherpenny。Ihavejustdiscovereditwasatwo-shillingpiece。Thefoolwasrighttoacertainextent；Ihavegotsomethingout。Ihavegotthis。"

Heheldittowardsme；Ilookedatit。ItwasapacketofEvertontoffee。

"Twoandapenny，"heremarked，bitterly。"I’llsellitforathirdofwhatitcostme。"

"Youhaveputyourmoneyintothewrongmachine，"Isuggested。

"Well，Iknowthat！"heanswered，alittlecrossly，asitseemedtome——hewasnotaniceman：hadtherebeenanyoneelsetotalktoI

shouldhavelefthim。"Itisn’tlosingthemoneyImindsomuch；

it’sgettingthisdamnthing，thatannoysme。IfIcouldfindthatidiotIdramitdownhisthroat。"

Wewalkedtotheendoftheplatform，sidebyside，insilence。

"Therearepeoplelikethat，"hebrokeout，asweturned，"peoplewhowillgoabout，givingadvice。I’llbegettingsixmonthsoveroneofthem，I’malwaysafraid。IrememberaponyIhadonce。"（I

judgedthemantobeasmallfarmer；hetalkedinawurzellytone。

Idon’tknowifyouunderstandwhatImean，butanatmosphereofwurzelswasthethingthatsomehowhesuggested。）"ItwasathoroughbredWelshpony，assoundalittlebeastaseverstepped。

I’dhadhimouttograssallthewinter，andonedayintheearlyspringIthoughtI’dtakehimforarun。IhadtogotoAmershamonbusiness。Iputhimintothecart，anddrovehimacross；itisjusttenmilesfrommyplace。Hewasabituppish，andhadlatheredhimselfprettyfreelybythetimewereachedthetown。

"Amanwasatthedoorofthehotel。Hesays，’That’sagoodponyofyours。’

"’Prettymiddling，’Isays。

"’Itdoesn’tdotoover-drive’em，whenthey’reyoung，’hesays。

"Isays，’He’sdonetenmiles，andI’vedonemostofthepulling。I

reckonI’majollysightmoreexhaustedthanheis。

"Iwentinsideanddidmybusiness，andwhenIcameoutthemanwasstillthere。’Goingbackupthehill？’hesaystome。

"Somehow，Ididn’tcottontohimfromthebeginning。’Well，I’vegottogettheothersideofit，’Isays，’andunlessyouknowanypatentwayofgettingoverahillwithoutgoingupit，IreckonI

am。’

"Hesays，’Youtakemyadvice：givehimapintofoldalebeforeyoustart。’

"’Oldale，’Isays；’whyhe’sateetotaler。’

"’Neveryoumindthat，’heanswers；’yougivehimapintofoldale。

Iknowtheseponies；he’sagood’un，butheain’tset。Apintofoldale，andhe’lltakeyouupthathilllikeacabletramway，andnothurthimself。’

"Idon’tknowwhatitisaboutthisclassofman。Oneasksoneselfafterwardswhyonedidn’tknockhishatoverhiseyesandrunhisheadintothenearesthorse-trough。Butatthetimeonelistenstothem。Igotapintofoldaleinahand-bowl，andbroughtitout。

Abouthalf-a-dozenchapswerestandinground，andofcoursetherewasagooddealofchaff。

"’You’restartinghimonthedownwardcourse，Jim，’saysoneofthem。’He’lltaketogambling，robabank，andmurderhismother。

That’salwaystheresultofaglassofale，’cordingtothetracts。’

"’Hewon’tdrinkitlikethat，’saysanother；’it’sasflatasditchwater。Putaheadonitforhim。’

"’Ain’tyougotacigarforhim？’saysathird。

"’Acupofcoffeeandaroundofbutteredtoastwoulddohimasightmoregood，acolddaylikethis，’saysafourth。

"I’dhalfamindthentothrowthestuffaway，ordrinkitmyself；

itseemedapieceofballynonsense，givinggoodaletoafour-year-oldpony；butthemomentthebeggarsmeltthebowlhereachedouthishead，andlappeditupasthoughhe’dbeenaChristian；andIjumpedintothecartandstartedoff，amidcheers。

Wegotupthehillprettysteady。Thentheliquorbegantoworkintohishead。I’vetakenhomeadrunkenmanmorethanonceandthere’spleasanterjobsthanthat。I’veseenadrunkenwoman，andthey’reworse。ButadrunkenWelshponyIneverwanttohaveanythingmoretodowithsolongasIlive。Havingfourlegshemanagedtoholdhimselfup；butastoguidinghimself，hecouldn’t；

andasforlettingmedoit，hewouldn’t。Firstwewereonesideoftheroad，andthenweweretheother。Whenwewerenoteitherside，wewerecrosswaysinthemiddle。Iheardabicyclebellbehindme，butIdarednotturnmyhead。AllIcoulddowastoshouttothefellowtokeepwherehewas。

"’Iwanttopassyou，’hesangout，sosoonashewasnearenough。

"’Well，youcan’tdoit，’Icalledback。

"’Whycan’tI？’heanswered。’HowmuchoftheroaddoYOUwant？’

"’Allofitandabitover，’Iansweredhim，’forthisjob，andnothingintheway。’

"Hefollowedmeforhalf-a-mile，abusingme；andeverytimehethoughthesawachancehetriedtopassme。Buttheponywasalwaysabittoosmartforhim。Youmighthavethoughtthebrutewasdoingitonpurpose。

"’You’renotfittobedriving，’heshouted。Hewasquiteright；I

wasn’t。Iwasfeelingjustaboutdeadbeat。

"’Whatdoyouthinkyouare？’hecontinued，’thechargeoftheLightBrigade？’（Hewasacommonsortoffellow。）’WhosentYOUhomewiththewashing？’

"Well，hewasmakingmewildbythistime。’What’sthegoodoftalkingtome？’Ishoutedback。’Comeandblackguardtheponyifyouwanttoblackguardanybody。I’vegotallIcandowithoutthehelpofthatalarmclockofyours。Goaway，you’reonlymakinghimworse。’

"’What’sthematterwiththepony？’hecalledout。

"’Can’tyousee？’Ianswered。’He’sdrunk。’

"Well，ofcourseitsoundedfoolish；thetruthoftendoes。

"’Oneofyou’sdrunk，’heretorted；’fortwopinsI’dcomeandhaulyououtofthecart。’

"Iwishtogoodnesshehad；I’dhavegivensomethingtobeoutofthatcart。Buthedidn’thavethechance。Atthatmomenttheponygaveasuddenswerve；andItakeithemusthavebeenabittooclose。Iheardayellandacurse，andatthesameinstantIwassplashedfromheadtofootwithditchwater。Thenthebrutebolted。

Amanwascomingalong，asleeponthetopofacart-loadofwindsorchairs。It’sdisgracefulthewaythosewagonersgotosleep；I

wondertherearenotmoreaccidents。Idon’tthinkheeverknewwhathadhappenedtohim。Icouldn’tlookroundtoseewhatbecameofhim；Ionlysawhimstart。Half-waydownthehillapolicemanholla’dtometostop。Iheardhimshoutingoutsomethingaboutfuriousdriving。Half-a-milethissideofCheshamwecameuponagirls’schoolwalkingtwoandtwo——a’crocodile’theycallit，I

think。Ibetyouthosegirlsarestilltalkingaboutit。Itmusthavetakentheoldwomanagoodhourtocollectthemtogetheragain。

"Itwasmarket-dayinChesham；andIguesstherehasnotbeenabusiermarket-dayinCheshambeforeorsince。Wewentthroughthetownataboutthirtymilesanhour。I’veneverseenCheshamsolively——it’sasleepyholeasarule。AmileoutsidethetownI

sightedtheHighWycombecoach。Ididn’tfeelImindedmuch；Ihadgottothatpasswhenitdidn’tseemtomattertomewhathappened；

Ionlyfeltcurious。Adozenyardsoffthecoachtheponystoppeddead；thatjerkedmeofftheseattothebottomofthecart。I

couldn’tgetup，becausetheseatwasontopofme。Icouldseenothingbutthesky，andoccasionallytheheadofthepony，whenhestooduponhishindlegs。ButIcouldhearwhatthedriverofthecoachsaid，andIjudgedhewashavingtroublealso。

"’Takethatdamncircusoutoftheroad，’heshouted。Ifhe’dhadanysensehe’dhaveseenhowhelplessIwas。Icouldhearhiscattleplungingabout；theyarelikethat，horses——iftheyseeonefool，thentheyallwanttobefools。

"’Takeithome，andtieituptoitsorgan，’shoutedtheguard。

"Thenanoldwomanwentintohysterics，andbeganlaughinglikeanhyena。Thatstartedtheponyoffagain，and，asfarasIcouldcalculatebywatchingtheclouds，wedidaboutanotherfourmilesatthegallop。Thenhethoughthe’dtrytojumpagate，andfinding，I

suppose，thatthecarthamperedhim，hestartedkickingittopieces。I’dneverhavethoughtacartcouldhavebeenseparatedintosomanypieces，ifIhadn’tseenitdone。Whenhehadgotridofeverythingbuthalfawheelandthesplashboardheboltedagain。

Iremainedbehindwiththeotherruins，andgladIwastogetalittlerest。Hecamebacklaterintheafternoon，andIwaspleasedtosellhimthenextweekforafive-pound-note：itcostmeaboutanothertentorepairmyself。

"TothisdayIamchaffedaboutthatpony，andthelocaltemperancesocietymadealectureoutofme。That’swhatcomesoffollowingadvice。"

Isympathizedwithhim。Ihavesufferedfromadvicemyself。Ihaveafriend，aCityman，whomImeetoccasionally。Oneofhismostardentpassionsinlifeistomakemyfortune。Hebutton-holesmeinThreadneedleStreet。"TheverymanIwantedtosee，"hesays；

"I’mgoingtoletyouinforagoodthing。Wearegettingupalittlesyndicate。"Heisforever"gettingup"alittlesyndicate，andforeveryhundredpoundsyouputintoityoutakeathousandout。HadIgoneintoallhislittlesyndicates，Icouldhavebeenworthatthepresentmoment，Ireckon，twomillionfivehundredthousandpounds。ButIhavenotgoneintoallhislittlesyndicates。Iwentintoone，yearsago，whenIwasyounger。Iamstillinit；myfriendisconfidentthatmyholding，lateron，willyieldmethousands。Being，however，hard-upforreadymoney，Iamwillingtopartwithmysharetoanydeservingpersonatagenuinereduction，uponacashbasis。Anotherfriendofmineknowsanothermanwhois"intheknow"asregardsracingmatters。Isupposemostpeoplepossessafriendofthistype。Heisgenerallyverypopularjustbeforearace，andextremelyunpopularimmediatelyafterwards。

Athirdbenefactorofmineisanenthusiastuponthesubjectofdiet。Onedayhebroughtmesomethinginapacket，andpresseditintomyhandwiththeairofamanwhoisrelievingyouofallyourtroubles。

"Whatisit？"Iasked。

"Openitandsee，"heanswered，inthetoneofapantomimefairy。

Iopeneditandlooked，butIwasnowiser。

"It’stea，"heexplained。

"Oh！"Ireplied；"Iwaswonderingifitcouldbesnuff。"

"Well，it’snotexactlytea，"hecontinued，"it’sasortoftea。

Youtakeonecupofthat——onecup，andyouwillnevercareforanyotherkindofteaagain。"

Hewasquiteright，Itookonecup。AfterdrinkingitIfeltI

didn’tcareforanyothertea。IfeltIdidn’tcareforanything，excepttodiequietlyandinoffensively。Hecalledonmeaweeklater。

"YourememberthatteaIgaveyou？"hesaid。

"Distinctly，"Ianswered；"I’vegotthetasteofitinmymouthnow。"

"Diditupsetyou？"heasked。

"Itannoyedmeatthetime，"Ianswered；"butthat’sallovernow。"

Heseemedthoughtful。"Youwerequitecorrect，"heanswered；"itWASsnuff，averyspecialsnuff，sentmeallthewayfromIndia。"

"Ican’tsayIlikedit，"Ireplied。

"Astupidmistakeofmine，"hewenton——"Imusthavemixedupthepackets！"

"Oh，accidentswillhappen，"Isaid，"andyouwon’tmakeanothermistake，Ifeelsure；sofarasIamconcerned。"

Wecanallgiveadvice。Ihadthehonouronceofservinganoldgentlemanwhoseprofessionitwastogivelegaladvice，andexcellentlegaladvicehealwaysgave。Incommonwithmostmenwhoknowthelaw，hehadlittlerespectforit。Ihaveheardhimsaytoawould-belitigant——

"Mydearsir，ifavillainstoppedmeinthestreetanddemandedofmemywatchandchain，Ishouldrefusetogiveittohim。Ifhethereuponsaid，’ThenIshalltakeitfromyoubybruteforce，’I

should，oldasIam，Ifeelconvinced，replytohim，’Comeon。’Butif，ontheotherhand，heweretosaytome，’Verywell，thenI

shalltakeproceedingsagainstyouintheCourtofQueen’sBenchtocompelyoutogiveituptome，’Ishouldatoncetakeitfrommypocket，pressitintohishand，andbegofhimtosaynomoreaboutthematter。AndIshouldconsiderIwasgettingoffcheaply。"

Yetthatsameoldgentlemanwenttolawhimselfwithhisnext-doorneighbouroveradeadpollparrotthatwasn’tworthsixpencetoanybody，andspentfromfirsttolastahundredpounds，ifhespentapenny。