第8章

"IknowI’mafool，"heconfessed。"IhavenopositiveproofthatitWAShiscat；butI’llmakehimpayforcallingmeanOldBaileyAttorney，hangedifIdon’t！"

WeallknowhowthepuddingOUGHTtobemade。Wedonotprofesstobeabletomakeit：thatisnotourbusiness。Ourbusinessistocriticizethecook。Itseemsourbusinesstocriticizesomanythingsthatitisnotourbusinesstodo。Weareallcriticsnowadays。Ihavemyopinionofyou，Reader，andyoupossiblyhaveyourownopinionofme。Idonotseektoknowit；personally，I

preferthemanwhosayswhathehastosayofmebehindmyback。I

remember，whenonalecturingtour，theground-planofthehalloftennecessitatedmyminglingwiththeaudienceastheystreamedout。ThisneverhappenedbutIwouldoverhearsomebodyinfrontofmewhispertohisorhercompanion——"Takecare，he’sjustbehindyou。"Ialwaysfeltsogratefultothatwhisperer。

AtaBohemianClub，IwasoncedrinkingcoffeewithaNovelist，whohappenedtobeabroad-shouldered，athleticman。Afellow-member，joiningus，saidtotheNovelist，"Ihavejustfinishedthatlastbookofyours；I’lltellyoumycandidopinionofit。"PromptlyrepliedtheNovelist，"Igiveyoufairwarning——ifyoudo，Ishallpunchyourhead。"Weneverheardthatcandidopinion。

Mostofourleisuretimewespendsneeringatoneanother。Itisawonder，goingaboutaswedowithournosessohighintheair，wedonotwalkoffthislittleroundworldintospace，allofus。TheMassessneerattheClasses。ThemoralsoftheClassesareshocking。IfonlytheClasseswouldconsentasabodytobetaughtbehaviourbyaCommitteeoftheMasses，howverymuchbetteritwouldbeforthem。IfonlytheClasseswouldneglecttheirowninterestsanddevotethemselvestothewelfareoftheMasses，theMasseswouldbemorepleasedwiththem。

TheClassessneerattheMasses。IfonlytheMasseswouldfollowtheadvicegiventhembytheClasses；ifonlytheywouldbethriftyontheirtenshillingsaweek；ifonlytheywouldallbeteetotalers，ordrinkoldclaret，whichisnotintoxicating；ifonlyallthegirlswouldbedomesticservantsonfivepoundsayear，andnotwastetheirmoneyonfeathers；ifonlythemenwouldbecontenttoworkforfourteenhoursaday，andtosingintune，"GodblesstheSquireandhisrelations，"andwouldconsenttobekeptintheirproperstations，allthingswouldgoswimmingly——fortheClasses。

TheNewWomanpooh-poohstheOld；theOldWomanisindignantwiththeNew。TheChapeldenouncestheStage；theStageridiculesLittleBethel；theMinorPoetsneersattheworld；theworldlaughsattheMinorPoet。

MancriticizesWoman。Wearenotaltogetherpleasedwithwoman。Wediscusshershortcomings，weadviseherforhergood。IfonlyEnglishwiveswoulddressasFrenchwives，talkasAmericanwives，cookasGermanwives！ifonlywomenwouldbepreciselywhatwewantthemtobe——patientandhard-working，brilliantlywittyandexhaustivelydomestic，bewitching，amenable，andlesssuspicious；

howverymuchbetteritwouldbeforthem——alsoforus。Weworksohardtoteachthem，buttheywillnotlisten。Insteadofpayingattentiontoourwisecounsel，thetiresomecreaturesarewastingtheirtimecriticizingus。Itisapopulargame，thisgameofschool。Allthatisneedfulisadoorstep，acane，andsixotherchildren。Thedifficultyisthesixotherchildren。Everychildwantstobetheschoolmaster；theywillkeepjumpingup，sayingitistheirturn。

Womanwantstotakethesticknow，andputmanonthedoorstep。

Thereareoneortwothingsshehasgottosaytohim。Heisnotatallthemansheapprovesof。Hemustbeginbygettingridofallhisnaturaldesiresandpropensities；thatdone，shewilltakehiminhandandmakeofhim——notaman，butsomethingverymuchsuperior。

Itwouldbethebestofallpossibleworldsifeverybodywouldonlyfollowouradvice。Iwonder，wouldJerusalemhavebeenthecleanlycityitisreported，if，insteadoftroublinghimselfconcerninghisowntwopenny-halfpennydoorstep，eachcitizenhadgoneoutintotheroadandgiveneloquentlecturestoalltheotherinhabitantsonthesubjectofsanitation？

WehavetakentocriticizingtheCreatorHimselfoflate。Theworldiswrong，wearewrong。IfonlyHehadtakenouradvice，duringthosefirstsixdays！

WhydoIseemtohavebeenscoopedoutandfilledupwithlead？WhydoIhatethesmellofbacon，andfeelthatnobodycaresforme？Itisbecausechampagneandlobstershavebeenmadewrong。

WhydoEdwinandAngelinaquarrel？ItisbecauseEdwinhasbeengivenafine，high-spiritednaturethatwillnotbrookcontradiction；whileAngelina，poorgirl，hasbeencursedwithcontradictoryinstincts。

WhyisexcellentMr。Jonesbroughtdownnextdoortobeggary？Mr。

Joneshadanincomeofathousandayear，securedbytheFunds。ButtherecamealongawickedCompanypromoter（whyarewickedCompanypromoterspermitted？）withaprospectus，tellinggoodMr。Joneshowtoobtainahundredpercent。forhismoneybyinvestingitinsomeschemefortheswindlingofMr。Jones’sfellow-citizens。

Theschemedoesnotsucceed；thepeopleswindledturnout，contrarytothepromiseoftheprospectus，tobeMr。Jonesandhisfellow-investors。WhydoesHeavenallowthesewrongs？

WhydoesMrs。Brownleaveherhusbandandchildren，torunoffwiththeNewDoctor？Itisbecauseanill-advisedCreatorhasgivenMrs。

BrownandtheNewDoctorundulystrongemotions。NeitherMrs。BrownnortheNewDoctoraretobeblamed。Ifanyhumanbeingbeanswerableitis，probably，Mrs。Brown’sgrandfather，orsomeearlyancestoroftheNewDoctor’s。

WeshallcriticizeHeavenwhenwegetthere。Idoubtifanyofuswillbepleasedwiththearrangements；wehavegrownsoexceedinglycritical。

ItwasoncesaidofaverysuperioryoungmanthatheseemedtobeundertheimpressionthatGodAlmightyhadmadetheuniversechieflytohearwhathewouldsayaboutit。Consciouslyorunconsciously，mostofusareofthiswayofthinking。Itisanageofmutualimprovementsocieties——adelightfulidea，everybody’sbusinessbeingtoimproveeverybodyelse；ofamateurparliaments，ofliterarycouncils，ofplaygoers’clubs。

FirstNightcriticismseemstohavediedoutoflate，theStudentoftheDramahavingcometotheconclusion，possibly，thatplaysarenotworthcriticizing。Butinmyyoungdayswewereveryearnestatthiswork。Wewenttotheplay，lesswiththeselfishdesireofenjoyingourevening，thanwiththenobleaimofelevatingtheStage。Maybewedidgood，maybewewereneeded——letusthinkso。

Certainitis，manyoftheoldabsurditieshavedisappearedfromtheTheatre，andourrough-and-readycriticismmayhavehelpedthehappydispatch。Afollyisoftenservedbyanunwiseremedy。

Thedramatistinthosedayshadtoreckonwithhisaudience。

GalleryandPittookaninterestinhisworksuchasGalleriesandPitsnolongertake。Irecollectwitnessingtheproductionofaveryblood-curdlingmelodramaat，Ithink，theoldQueen’sTheatre。

Theheroinehadbeengivenbytheauthoraquiteunnecessaryamountofconversation，soweconsidered。Thewoman，wheneversheappearedonthestage，talkedbytheyard；shecouldnotdoasimplelittlethinglikecursingtheVillainunderabouttwentylines。Whentheheroaskedherifshelovedhimshestoodupandmadeaspeechaboutitthatlastedthreeminutesbythewatch。Onedreadedtoseeheropenhermouth。IntheThirdAct，somebodygotholdofherandshutherupinadungeon。Hewasnotaniceman，speakinggenerally，butwefelthewasthemanforthesituation，andthehousecheeredhimtotheecho。Weflatteredourselveswehadgotridofherfortherestoftheevening。Thensomefoolofaturnkeycamealong，andsheappealedtohim，throughthegrating，toletheroutforafewminutes。Theturnkey，agoodbutsoft-heartedman，hesitated。

"Don’tyoudoit，"shoutedoneearnestStudentoftheDrama，fromtheGallery；"she’sallright。Keepherthere！"

Theoldidiotpaidnoattentiontoouradvice；hearguedthemattertohimself。"’Tisbutatriflingrequest，"heremarked；"anditwillmakeherhappy。"

"Yes，butwhataboutus？"repliedthesamevoicefromtheGallery。

"Youdon’tknowher。You’veonlyjustcomeon；we’vebeenlisteningtoheralltheevening。She’squietnow，youletherbe。"

"Oh，letmeout，ifonlyforonemoment！"shriekedthepoorwoman。

"IhavesomethingthatImustsaytomychild。"

"Writeitonabitofpaper，andpassitout，"suggestedavoicefromthePit。"We’llseethathegetsit。"

"ShallIkeepamotherfromherdyingchild？"musedtheturnkey。

"No，itwouldbeinhuman。"

"No，itwouldn’t，"persistedthevoiceofthePit；"notinthisinstance。It’stoomuchtalkthathasmadethepoorchildill。"

Theturnkeywouldnotbeguidedbyus。Heopenedthecelldooramidsttheexecrationsofthewholehouse。Shetalkedtoherchildforaboutfiveminutes，attheendofwhichtimeitdied。

"Ah，heisdead！"shriekedthedistressedparent。

"Luckybeggar！"wastheunsympatheticrejoinderofthehouse。

Sometimesthecriticismoftheaudiencewouldtaketheformofremarks，addressedbyonegentlemantoanother。Wehadbeenlisteningonenighttoaplayinwhichactionseemedtobeunnecessarilysubordinatedtodialogue，andsomewhatpoordialogueatthat。Suddenly，acrossthewearyingtalkfromthestage，camethestentorianwhisper——

"Jim！"

"Hallo！"

"Wakemeupwhentheplaybegins。"

Thiswasfollowedbyanostentatioussoundasofsnoring。Thenthevoiceofthesecondspeakerwasheard——

"Sammy！"

Hisfriendappearedtoawake。

"Eh？Yes？What’sup？Hasanythinghappened？"

"Wakeyouupathalf-pasteleveninanyevent，Isuppose？"

"Thanks，do，sonny。"Andthecriticsleptagain。

Yes，wetookaninterestinourplaysthen。IwondershallIeverenjoytheBritishDramaagainasIenjoyeditinthosedays？ShallIeverenjoyasupperagainasIenjoyedthetripeandonionswasheddownwithbitterbeeratthebaroftheoldAlbion？Ihavetriedmanysuppersafterthetheatresincethen，andsome，whenfriendshavebeeningenerousmood，havebeenexpensiveandelaborate。ThecookmayhavecomefromParis，hisportraitmaybeintheillustratedpapers，hissalarymaybereckonedbyhundreds；butthereissomethingwrongwithhisart，forallthat，Imissaflavourinhismeats。Thereisasaucelacking。

Naturehashercoinage，anddemandspaymentinherowncurrency。AtNature’sshopitisyouyourselfmustpay。Yourunearnedincrement，yourinheritedfortune，yourluck，arenotlegaltendersacrosshercounter。

Youwantagoodappetite。Natureisquitewillingtosupplyyou。

"Certainly，sir，"shereplies，"Icandoyouaveryexcellentarticleindeed。Ihaveherearealgenuinehungerandthirstthatwillmakeyourmealadelighttoyou。Youshalleatheartilyandwithzest，andyoushallrisefromthetablerefreshed，invigorated，andcheerful。"

"JusttheverythingIwant，"exclaimsthegourmetdelightedly。

"Tellmetheprice。"

"Theprice，"answersMrs。Nature，"isonelongday’shardwork。"

Thecustomer’sfacefalls；hehandlesnervouslyhisheavypurse。

"CannotIpayforitinmoney？"heasks。"Idon’tlikework，butI

amarichman，IcanaffordtokeepFrenchcooks，topurchaseoldwines。"

Natureshakesherhead。

"Icannottakeyourcheques，tissueandnervearemycharges。FortheseIcangiveyouanappetitethatwillmakearump-steakandatankardofalemoredelicioustoyouthananydinnerthatthegreatestchefinEuropecouldputbeforeyou。Icanevenpromiseyouthatahunkofbreadandcheeseshallbeabanquettoyou；butyoumustpaymypriceinmymoney；Idonotdealinyours。"

AndnexttheDilettanteenters，demandingatasteforArtandLiterature，andthisalsoNatureisquitepreparedtosupply。

"Icangiveyoutruedelightinallthesethings，"sheanswers。

"Musicshallbeaswingstoyou，liftingyouabovetheturmoiloftheworld。ThroughArtyoushallcatchaglimpseofTruth。AlongthepleasantpathsofLiteratureyoushallwalkasbesidestillwaters。"

"Andyourcharge？"criesthedelightedcustomer。

"Thesethingsaresomewhatexpensive，"repliesNature。"Iwantfromyoualifelivedsimply，freefromalldesireofworldlysuccess，alifefromwhichpassionhasbeenlivedout；alifetowhichappetitehasbeensubdued。"

"Butyoumistake，mydearlady，"repliestheDilettante；"Ihavemanyfriends，possessedoftaste，andtheyaremenwhodonotpaythispriceforit。Theirhousesarefullofbeautifulpictures，theyraveabout’nocturnes’and’symphonies，’theirshelvesarepackedwithfirsteditions。Yettheyaremenofluxuryandwealthandfashion。Theytroublemuchconcerningthemakingofmoney，andSocietyistheirheaven。CannotIbeasoneofthese？"

"Idonotdealinthetricksofapes，"answersNaturecoldly；"thecultureofthesefriendsofyoursisamerepose，afashionofthehour，theirtalkmereparrotchatter。Yes，youcanpurchasesuchcultureasthis，andprettycheaply，butapassionforskittleswouldbeofmoreservicetoyou，andbringyoumoregenuineenjoyment。Mygoodsareofadifferentclass。Ifearwewasteeachother’stime。"

Andnextcomestheboy，askingwithablushforlove，andNature’smotherlyoldheartgoesouttohim，foritisanarticleshelovestosell，andshelovesthosewhocometopurchaseitofher。Sosheleansacrossthecounter，smiling，andtellshimthatshehastheverythinghewants，andhe，tremblingwithexcitement，likewiseasksthefigure。

"Itcostsagooddeal，"explainsNature，butinnodiscouragingtone；"itisthemostexpensivethinginallmyshop。"

"Iamrich，"repliesthelad。"Myfatherworkedhardandsaved，andhehasleftmeallhiswealth。Ihavestocksandshares，andlandsandfactories；andwillpayanypriceinreasonforthisthing。"

ButNature，lookinggraver，laysherhanduponhisarm。

"Putbyyourpurse，boy，"shesays，"mypriceisnotapriceinreason，norisgoldthemetalthatIdealin。Therearemanyshopsinvariousstreetswhereyourbank-noteswillbeaccepted。Butifyouwilltakeanoldwoman’sadvice，youwillnotgotothem。Thethingtheywillsellyouwillbringsorrowanddoeviltoyou。Itischeapenough，but，likeallthingscheap，itisnotworththebuying。Nomanpurchasesit，onlythefool。"

"AndwhatisthecostofthethingYOUsellthen？"asksthelad。

"Self-forgetfulness，tenderness，strength，"answerstheoldDame；

"theloveofallthingsthatareofgoodrepute，thehateofallthingsevil——courage，sympathy，self-respect，thesethingspurchaselove。Putbyyourpurse，lad，itwillserveyouinotherways，butitwillnotbuyforyouthegoodsuponmyshelves。"

"ThenamInobetteroffthanthepoorman？"demandsthelad。

"Iknownotwealthorpovertyasyouunderstandit，"answersNature。

"HereIexchangerealitiesonlyforrealities。Youaskformytreasures，Iaskforyourbrainandheartinexchange——yours，boy，notyourfather’s，notanother’s。"

"Andthisprice，"heargues，"howshallIobtainit？"

"Goabouttheworld，"repliesthegreatLady。"Labour，suffer，help。Comebacktomewhenyouhaveearnedyourwages，andaccordingtohowmuchyoubringmesowewilldobusiness。"

Isrealwealthsounevenlydistributedaswethink？IsnotFatethetrueSocialist？Whoistherichman，whothepoor？Doweknow？

Doeseventhemanhimselfknow？Arewenotstrivingfortheshadow，missingthesubstance？Takelifeatitshighest；whichwasthehappierman，richSolomonorpoorSocrates？Solomonseemstohavehadmostthingsthatmostmenmostdesire——maybetoomuchofsomeforhisowncomfort。Socrateshadlittlebeyondwhathecarriedaboutwithhim，butthatwasagooddeal。Accordingtoourscales，Solomonshouldhavebeenoneofthehappiestmenthateverlived，Socratesoneofthemostwretched。Butwasitso？

Ortakinglifeatitslowest，withpleasureitsonlygoal。IsmylordTomNoddy，inthestalls，soverymuchjollierthan’Arryinthegallery？Werebeertenshillingsthebottle，andchampagnefourpenceaquart，which，thinkyou，weshouldclamourfor？IfeveryWestEndClubhaditsskittlealley，andbilliardscouldonlybeplayedinEastEndpubs，whichgame，mylord，wouldyouselect？

IstheairofBerkeleySquaresomuchmorejoy-givingthantheatmosphereofSevenDials？IfindmyselfapiquancyintheairofSevenDials，missingfromBerkeleySquare。Istheresovastadifferencebetweenhorse-hairandstraw，whenyouaretired？Ishappinessmultipliedbythenumberofroomsinone’shouse？AreLadyErmintrude’slipssoverymuchsweeterthanSally’softheAlley？WhatISsuccessinlife？

ONTHEPLAYINGOFMARCHESATTHEFUNERALSOFMARIONETTES

Hebeganthedaybadly。Hetookmeoutandlostme。Itwouldbesomuchbetter，wouldheconsenttotheusualarrangement，andallowmetotakehimout。Iamfartheablerleader：Isayitwithoutconceit。Iamolderthanheis，andIamlessexcitable。IdonotstopandtalkwitheverypersonImeet，andthenforgetwhereIam。

Idolesstodistractmyself：Irarelyfight，IneverfeelIwanttorunaftercats，Itakebutlittlepleasureinfrighteningchildren。Ihavenothingtothinkaboutbutthewalk，andthegettinghomeagain。If，asIsay，hewouldgiveuptakingmeout，andletmetakehimout，therewouldbelesstroubleallround。ButintothisIhaveneverbeenabletopersuadehim。

Hehadmislaidmeonceortwice，butinSloaneSquarehelostmeentirely。Whenhelosesme，hestandsandbarksforme。Ifonlyhewouldremainwherehefirstbarked，Imightfindmywaytohim；but，beforeIcancrosstheroad，heisbarkinghalf-waydownthenextstreet。IamnotsoyoungasIwasandIsometimesthinkheexercisesmemorethanisgoodforme。IcouldseehimfromwhereI

wasstandingintheKing’sRoad。Evidentlyhewasmostindignant。

Iwastoofarofftodistinguishthebarks，butIcouldguesswhathewassaying——

"Damnthatman，he’soffagain。"

Hemadeinquiriesofapassingdog——

"Youhaven’tsmeltmymanaboutanywhere，haveyou？"

（Adog，ofcourse，wouldneverspeakofSEEINGanybodyoranything，smellbeinghisleadingsense。Reachingthetopofahill，hewouldsaytohiscompanion——"Lovelysmellfromhere，Ialwaysthink；I

couldsitandsniffherealltheafternoon。"Or，proposingawalk，hewouldsay——"Iliketheroadbythecanal，don’tyou？There’ssomethinginterestingtocatchyournoseateveryturn。"）

"No，Ihaven’tsmeltanymaninparticular，"answeredtheotherdog。

"Whatsortofasmellingmanisyours？"

"Oh，anegg-and-baconysortofaman，withadashofsoapabouthim。"

"That’snothingtogoby，"retortedtheother；"mostmenwouldanswertothatdescription，thistimeofthemorning。Wherewereyouwhenyoulastnoticedhim？"

Atthismomenthecaughtsightofme，andcameup，pleasedtofindme，butvexedwithmeforhavinggotlost。

"Oh，hereyouare，"hebarked；"didn’tyouseemegoroundthecorner？Dokeepcloser。Botheredifhalfmytimeisn’ttakenup，findingyouandlosingyouagain。"

Theincidentappearedtohavemadehimbad-tempered；hewasjustinthehumourforarowofanysort。AtthetopofSloaneStreetastoutmilitary-lookinggentlemanstartedrunningaftertheChelseabus。Witha"Hooroo"WilliamSmithwasafterhim。Hadtheoldgentlemantakennonotice，allwouldhavebeenwell。Abutcherboy，drivingjustbehind，would——Icouldreaditinhiseye——havecaughtSmithaflickashedartedintotheroad，whichwouldhaveservedhimright；theoldgentlemanwouldhavecapturedhisbus；andtheaffairwouldhavebeenended。Unfortunately，hewasthattypeofretiredmilitarymanallgoutandcurryandnosense。Hestoppedtoswearatthedog。That，ofcourse，waswhatSmithwanted。Itisnotoftenhegetsascrimmagewithafull-grownman。"They’reapoor-spiritedlot，mostofthem，"hethinks；"theywon’tevenansweryouback。Ilikeamanwhoshowsabitofpluck。"Hewasfrenziedwithdelightathissuccess。Heflewroundhisvictim，weavingwhoopingcirclesandcurvesthatparalyzedtheoldgentlemanasthoughtheyhadbeenthemysticfiguresofaMerlin。Thecolonelclubbedhisumbrella，andattemptedtodefendhimself。Icalledtothedog，Igavegoodadvicetothecolonel（Ijudgedhimtobeacolonel；thelouderhespoke，thelessonecouldunderstandhim），butbothweretooexcitedtolistentome。Asympatheticbusdriverleanedover，andwhisperedhoarsecounsel。

"Ketch’imbythetail，sir，"headvisedtheoldgentleman；"don’tyoubeafraidofhim；youketch’imfirmlybythetail。"

Amilkman，ontheotherhand，soughtrathertoencourageSmith，shoutingashepassed——

"Gooddog，killhim！"

Achild，brainedwithinaninchbytheoldgentleman’sumbrella，begantocry。Thenursetoldtheoldgentlemanhewasafool——aremarkwhichstruckmeassingularlyaptTheoldgentlemangaspedbackthatperambulatorswereillegalonthepavement；and，betweenhisexercises，inquiredaftermyself。Acrowdbegantocollect；andapolicemanstrolledup。

Itwasnottherightthing：Idonotdefendmyself；but，atthispoint，thetemptationcametometodesertWilliamSmith。Helikesastreetrow，Idon’t。Thesethingsaremattersoftemperament。I

havealsonoticedthathehasthehappyinstinctofknowingwhentodisappearfromacrisis，andtheabilitytodoso；mysteriouslyturningup，quarterofamileoff，cladinapeacefulandpre-occupiedair，andtoallappearancesanotherandabetterdog。

ConsolingmyselfwiththereflectionthatIcouldbeofnopracticalassistancetohimandrememberingwithsomesatisfactionthat，byafortunateaccident，hewaswithouthiscollar，whichbearsmynameandaddress，IslippedroundtheoffsideofaVauxhallbus，makingnoattemptatostentation，andworkedmywayhomethroughLowndesSquareandthePark。

FiveminutesafterIhadsatdowntolunch，heflungopenthedining-roomdoor，andmarchedin。Itishiscustomary"entrance。"

Inapreviousstateofexistence，hissoulwasprobablythatofanActor-Manager。

Fromhisexuberantself-satisfaction，Iwasinclinedtothinkhemusthavesucceededinfollowingthemilkman’sadvice；atallevents，Ihavenotseenthecolonelsince。Hisbadtemperhaddisappeared，buthis"uppishness"had，ifpossible，increased。

Previoustohisreturn，IhadgivenTheO’Shannonabiscuit。TheO’Shannonhadbeeninsulted；hedidnotwantadogbiscuit；ifhecouldnothaveagrilledkidneyhedidnotwantanything。Hehadthrownthebiscuitonthefloor。Smithsawitandmadeforit。NowSmithnevereatsbiscuits。Igivehimoneoccasionally，andheatonceproceedstohideit。Heisathriftydog；hethinksofthefuture。"Youneverknowwhatmayhappen，"hesays；"supposetheGuv’nordies，orgoesmad，orbankrupt，Imaybegladevenofthisbiscuit；I’llputitunderthedoor-mat——no，Iwon’t，somebodywillfinditthere。I’llscratchaholeinthetennislawn，andburyitthere。That’sagoodidea；perhapsit’llgrow！"OnceIcaughthimhidingitinmystudy，behindtheshelfdevotedtomyownbooks。Itoffendedme，hisdoingthat；theargumentwassopalpable。

Generally，whereverhehidesitsomebodyfindsit。Wefinditunderourpillows——insideourboots；noplaceseemssafe。Thistimehehadsaidtohimself——"ByJove！awholerowoftheGuv’nor’sbooks。

Nobodywilleverwanttotaketheseout；I’llhideithere。"Onefeelsathinglikethatfromone’sowndog。

ButTheO’Shannon’sbiscuitwasanothermatter。Honestyisthebestpolicy；butdishonestyisthebetterfun。Hemadeadashforit，andcommencedtodevouritgreedily；youmighthavethoughthehadnottastedfoodforaweek。

TheindignationofTheO’Shannonwasasightforthegods。Hehasthegood-natureofhisrace：hadSmithaskedhimforthebiscuithewouldprobablyhavegivenittohim；itwastheinsult——theimmoralityoftheproceeding，thatmaddenedTheO’Shannon。

Foramomenthewasparalyzed。

"Well，ofallthe——Didyeseethatnow？"hesaidtomewithhiseyes。ThenhemadearushandsnatchedthebiscuitoutofSmith’sveryjaws。"YeonprincipledblackSaxonthief，"growledTheO’Shannon；"howdareyetakemybiscuit？"

"YoumiserableIrishcur，"growledSmith；"howwasItoknowitwasyourbiscuit？Doeseverythingonthefloorbelongtoyou？PerhapsyouthinkIbelongtoyou，I’monthefloor。Idon’tbelieveitisyourbiscuit，youlong-eared，snubbed-nosedbog-trotter；giveitmeback。"

"Idon’trequireanyofyourargument，youflop-earedsonofatrampwithhalfatail，"repliedTheO’Shannon。"Youcomeandtakeit，ifyouthinkyouaredogenough。"

Hedidthinkhewasdogenough。HeishalfthesizeofTheO’Shannon，butsuchconsiderationsweighnotwithhim。Hisargumentis，ifadogistoobigforyoutofightthewholeofhim，takeabitofhimandfightthat。Hegenerallygetslicked，butwhatisleftofhiminvariablyswaggersaboutafterwardsundertheimpressionitisthevictor。Whenheisdead，hewillsaytohimself，ashesettleshimselfinhisgrave——"Well，IflattermyselfI’velaidoutthatoldworldatlast。Itwon’ttroubleMEanymore，I’mthinking。"

Onthisoccasion，_I_tookahandinthefight。ItbecomesnecessaryatintervalstoremindMasterSmiththattheman，astheusefulandfaithfulfriendofdog，hashisrights。Ideemedsuchintervalhadarrived。Heflunghimselfontothesofa，muttering。

Itsoundedlike——"WishI’dnevergotupthismorning。Nobodyunderstandsme。"

Nothing，however，sobershimforlong。Half-an-hourlater，hewaskillingthenext-doorcat。Hewillneverlearnsense；hehasbeenkillingthatcatforthelastthreemonths。Whythenextmorninghisnoseisinvariablytwiceitsnaturalsize，whileforthenextweekhecanseeobjectsononesideofhisheadonly，heneverseemstograsp；Isupposeheattributesittochangeintheweather。

Heendeduptheafternoonwithwhathenodoubtregardedasacompleteandsatisfyingsuccess。Dorotheahadinvitedaladytotaketeawithherthatday。Iheardthesoundoflaughter，and，beingnearthenursery，Ilookedintoseewhatwasthejoke。Smithwasworryingadoll。Ihaverarelyseenamoreworried-lookingdoll。Itsheadwasoff，anditssawduststrewedthefloor。Boththechildrenwerecrowingwithdelight；Dorothea，inparticular，wasinanecstasyofamusement。

"Whosedollisit？"Iasked。

"Eva’s，"answeredDorothea，betweenherpealsoflaughter。

"Ohno，itisn’t，"explainedEva，inatoneofsweetcontent；

"here’smydoll。"Shehadbeensittingonit，andnowdrewitforth，warmbutwhole。"That’sDorry’sdoll。"

ThechangefromjoytogriefonthepartofDorotheawasdistinctlydramatic。EvenSmith，accustomedtostorm，wasnonplussedatthesuddennessoftheattackuponhim。

Dorothea’ssorrowlastedlongerthanIhadexpected。Ipromisedheranotherdoll。Butitseemedshedidnotwantanother；thatwastheonlydollshewouldevercareforsolongaslifelasted；nootherdollcouldevertakeitsplace；nootherdollwouldbetoherwhatthatdollhadbeen。Theselittlepeoplearesoabsurd：asifitcouldmatterwhetheryoulovedonedolloranother，whenallaresomuchalike！Theyhavecurlyhair，andpink-and-whitecomplexions，bigeyesthatopenandshut，alittleredmouth，twolittlehands。

Yetthesefoolishlittlepeople！theywillloveone，whileanothertheywillnotlookupon。Ifindthebestplanisnottoreasonwiththem，buttosympathize。Lateron——butnottoosoon——introducetothemanotherdoll。Theywillnotcareforitatfirst，butintimetheywillcometotakeaninterestinit。Ofcourse，itcannotmakethemforgetthefirstdoll；nodolleverborninLowtherArcadiacouldbeasthat，butstill——Itismanyweeksbeforetheyforgetentirelythefirstlove。

WeburiedDollyinthecountryundertheyewtree。Afriendofminewhoplaysthefiddlecamedownonpurposetoassist。Weburiedherinthehotspringsunshine，whilethebirdsfromshadynookssangjoyouslyoflifeandlove。Andourchiefmournercriedrealtears，justforalltheworldasthoughitwerenotthefateofdolls，soonerorlater，togetbroken——thelittlefragilethings，madeforanhour，tobedressedandkissed；then，paintlessandstript，tobethrownasideonthenurseryfloor。Poorlittledolls！Iwonderdotheytakethemselvesseriously，notknowingthespringsthatstirtheirsawdustbosomsarebutclockwork，notseeingthewirestowhichtheydance？Poorlittlemarionettes！dotheytalktogether，I

wonder，whenthelightsoftheboothareout？

You，littlesisterdoll，weretheheroine。Youlivedinthewhite-washedcottage，allhoneysuckleandclematiswithout——earwiggyanddampwithin，maybe。Howprettyyoualwayslookedinyoursimple，neatly-fittingprintdress。Howgoodyouwere！Hownoblyyouboreyourpoverty。Howpatientyouwereunderyourmanywrongs。

Youneverharbouredanevilthought，arevengefulwish——never，littledoll？Weretherenevermomentswhenyoulongedtoplaythewickedwoman’spart，liveinaroomwithmanydoors，be-cladinfursandjewels，withloversgaloreatyourfeet？Inthoselongwinterevenings？thehouseholdworkisdone——thegreasydisheswashed，thefloorscrubbed；theexcellentchildisasleepinthecorner；theone-and-elevenpennylampshedsitsdismallightonthedarnedtable-cloth；yousit，busyatyourcoarsesewing，waitingforHeroDick，knowing——guessing，atleast，whereheis——！Yes，dear，I

rememberyourfinespeeches，whenyoutoldher，instirringlanguagethegallerycheeredtotheecho，whatyouthoughtofherandofsuchwomenasshe；when，liftingyourhandtoheaven，youdeclaredyouwerehappierinyourattic，workingyourfingerstothebone，thansheinhergildedsalon——Ithink"gildedsalon"wastheterm，wasitnot？——furnishedbysin。Butspeakingofyourself，weaklittlesisterdoll，notofyourfinespeeches，thegallerylistening，didyounot，inyoursecretheart，envyher？Didyounever，beforeblowingouttheonecandle，standforaminuteinfrontofthecrackedglass，andthinktoyourselfthatyou，too，wouldlookwellinlow-cutdressesfromParis，thediamondsflashingonyourwhitesmoothskin？Didyounever，toilinghomethroughthemud，bearingyourbundleofneedlework，feelbitterwiththewagesofvirtue，asshesplashedyou，passingbyinhercarriage？Alone，overyourcupofweaktea，didyouneverfeeltemptedtopaythepriceforchampagnesuppers，andgaiety，andadmiration？Ah，yes，itiseasyforfolkswhohavehadtheirgoodtime，topreparecopybooksforwearylittleinkstainedfingers，longingforplay。Thefinemaximssoundsuchcantwhenweareinthatmood，dotheynot？You，too，wereyoungandhandsome：didtheauthoroftheplaythinkyouwereneverhungryforthegoodthingsoflife？Didhethinkthatreadingtractstocrotchetyoldwomenwasjoytoafull-bloodedgirlinhertwenties？WhyshouldSHEhaveallthelove，andallthelaughter？

Howfortunatethatthevillain，theWickedBaronet，neveropenedthecottagedooratthatmoment，eh，dear！Healwayscamewhenyouwerestrong，whenyoufeltthatyoucoulddenouncehim，andscornhistemptations。Wouldthatthevillaincametoallofusatsuchtime；

thenwewouldall，perhaps，beheroesandheroines。

Ahwell，itwasonlyaplay：itisovernow。YouandI，littletireddolls，lyingheresidebyside，waitingtoknowournextpart，wecanlookbackandlaugh。Whereisshe，thiswickeddolly，thatmadesuchastironourtinystage？Ah，hereyouare，Madam；I

thoughtyoucouldnotbefar；theyhavethrownusallintothiscornertogether。Buthowchangedyouare，Dolly：yourpaintrubbedoff，yourgoldenhairworntoawisp。Nowonder；itwasatryingpartyouhadtoplay。Howtiredyoumusthavegrownoftheglareandtheglitter！Andevenhopewasdeniedyou。Thepeaceyousolongedforyouknewyouhadlostthepowertoenjoy。Likethegirlbewitchedinthefairytale，youknewyoumustdanceeverfasterandfaster，withlimbsgrowingpalsied，withfacegrowingashen，andhairgrowinggrey，tillDeathshouldcometoreleaseyou；andyouronlyprayerwashemightcomeereyourdancinggrewcomic。

LikethesmelloftherosestoNancy，hawkingthemthroughthehotstreets，mustthestiflingatmosphereoflovehavebeentoyou。Thesongofpassion，howmonotonousinyourears，sungnowbytheyoungandnowbytheold；nowshouted，nowwhined，nowshrieked；butevertheonestridenttune。Doyourememberwhenfirstyouheardit？

YoudreamtitthemorninghymnofHeaven。YoucametothinkitthedancemusicofHell，groundfromacrackedhurdy-gurdy，lentoutbytheDevilonhire。

Anevilracewemusthaveseemedtoyou，DollyFaustine，astosomeOldBaileylawyer。Yousawbutonesideofus。Youlivedinaworldupsidedown，wheretheleavesandtheblossomswerehidden，andonlytherootssawyourday。Youimaginedtheworm-beslimedfibrestheplant，andallthingsbeautifulyoudeemedcant。

Chivalry，love，honour！howyoulaughedatthelyingwords。Youknewthetruth——asyouthought：aye，halfthetruth。Wewereswinewhileyourspellwasuponus，DaughterofCirce，andyou，notknowingyourislandsecret，deemeditournaturalshape。

Nowonder，Dolly，yourbatteredwaxenfaceisstampedwithanangrysneer。TheHero，whoeventuallycameintohisestatesamidtheplauditsofthePit，whileyouwerelefttodieinthestreets！youremembered，butthehousehadforgottenthoseearlierscenesinalwayswickedParis。Thegoodfriendofthefamily，thebreezymanoftheworld，theDeusexMachinaoftheplay，whowassogoodtoeverybody，whomeverybodyloved！aye，YOUlovedhimonce——butthatwasinthePrologue。InthePlayproper，hewasrespectable。（Howyouloathedthatword，thatmeanttoyouallyouvainlylongedfor！）

TohimtheProloguewasaperiodpastanddead；amemory，givingflavourtohislife。Toyou，itwastheFirstActofthePlay，shapingalltheothers。Hissinsthehousehadforgotten：atyours，theyhelduptheirhandsinhorror。Nowonderthesneerliesonyourwaxenlips。

Nevermind，Dolly；itwasastupidhouse。Nexttime，perhaps，youwillplayabetterpart；andthentheywillcheer，insteadofhissingyou。Youwerewasted，Iaminclinedtothink，onmoderncomedy。Youshouldhavebeencastfortheheroineofsomeold-worldtragedy。Thestrengthofcharacter，thecourage，thepowerofself-forgetfulness，theenthusiasmwereyours：itwasthepartthatwaslacking。YoumighthavewornthemantleofaJudith，aBoadicea，oraJeanned’Arc，hadsuchplaysbeenpopularinyourtime。Perhapsthey，hadtheyplayedinyourday，mighthavehadtobecontentwithsuchapartasyours。Theycouldnothaveplayedthemeekheroine，andwhatelsewouldtherehavebeenfortheminmoderndrama？CatherineofRussia！hadshebeenawaiter’sdaughterinthedaysoftheSecondEmpire，shouldwehavecalledherGreat？

TheMagdalene！hadherlodginginthosedaysbeeninsomebye-streetofRomeinsteadofinJerusalem，shouldwementionhernameinourchurches？

Youwerenecessary，yousee，Dolly，tothepiece。Wecannotallplayheroesandheroines。Theremustbewickedpeopleintheplay，oritwouldnotinterest。Thinkofit，Dolly，aplaywhereallthewomenwerevirtuous，allthemenhonest！Wemightclosethebooth；

theworldwouldbeasdullasanoyster-bed。Withoutyouwickedfolktherewouldbenogood。Howshouldwehaveknownandhonouredtheheroine’sworth，butbycontrastwithyourworthlessness？Wherewouldhavebeenherfinespeeches，butforyoutolistentothem？

Wherelaythehero’sstrength，butinresistingtemptationofyou？

HadnotyouandtheWickedBaronetbetweenyourobbedhimofhisestates，falselyaccusedhimofcrime，hewouldhavelivedtotheendoftheplayanidle，unheroic，incompleteexistence。Youbroughthimdowntopoverty；youmadehimearnhisownbread——amostexcellentthingforhim；gavehimtheopportunitytoplaytheman。

ButforyourconductinthePrologue，ofwhatvaluewouldhavebeenthatfinesceneattheendoftheThirdAct，thatstirredthehousetotearsandlaughter？Youandyouraccomplice，theWickedBaronet，madetheplaypossible。HowwouldPitandGalleryhaveknowntheywerevirtuous，butfortheindignationthatcametothem，watchingyourmisdeeds？Pity，sympathy，excitement，allthatgoestothemakingofaplay，youwerenecessaryfor。Itwasungratefulofthehousetohissyou。

Andyou，Mr。Merryman，thepaintedgrinwornfromyourpalelips，youtooweredissatisfied，ifIrememberrightly，withyourpart。

Youwantedtomakethepeoplecry，notlaugh。Wasitahigherambition？Thepoortiredpeople！somuchhappensintheirlifetomakethemweep，isitnotgoodsporttomakethemmerryforawhile？

DoyourememberthatoldsoulinthefrontrowofthePit？Howshelaughedwhenyousatdownonthepie！Ithoughtshewouldhavetobecarriedout。Iheardhertalkingtohercompanionastheypassedthestage-doorontheirwayhome。"Ihavenotlaughed，mydear，tillto-night，"shewassaying，thegood，gaytearsstillinhereyes，"sincethedaypoorSallydied。"Wasnotthataloneworththeoldstaletricksyousohated？Aye，theywerecommonplaceandconventional，thoseanticsofyoursthatmadeuslaugh；arenottheanticsthatmakeusweepcommonplaceandconventionalalso？Arenotalltheplays，playedsincetheboothwasopened，butofonepattern，theplotold-fashionednow，thescenesnowcommonplace？

Hero，villain，cynic——aretheirpartssomuchthefresher？Theloveduets，aretheysoverynew？Thedeath-bedscenes，wouldyoucallthemUNcommonplace？Hate，andEvil，andWrong——areTHEIRvoicesnewtothebooth？Whatareyouwaitingfor，people？aplaywithaplotthatisnovel，withcharactersthathaveneverstruttedbefore？Itwillbereadyforyou，perhaps，whenyouarereadyforit，withnewtearsandnewlaughter。

You，Mr。Merryman，werethetruephilosopher。Yousavedusfromforgettingtherealitywhenthefictiongrewsomewhatstrenuous。

Howweallapplaudedyourgaginanswertothehero，when，bewailinghissadfate，hedemandedofHeavenhowmuchlongerhewastosufferevilfortune。"Well，therecannotbemuchmoreofitinstoreforyou，"youansweredhim；"it’snearlynineo’clockalready，andtheshowclosesatten。"Andtruetoyourprophecythecurtainfellatthetimeappointed，andhistroubleswereofthepast。Youshowedusthetruthbehindthemask。WhenpompousLordShallow，inermineandwig，wenttotakehisseatamidthefawningcrowd，youpulledthechairfromunderhim，anddownhesatplumponthefloor。Hisrobeflewopen，hiswigflewoff。Nolongerheawedus。Hisapeddignityfellfromhim；wesawhimastupid-eyed，baldlittleman；heimposednolongeruponus。Itisyourfoolwhoistheonlytruewiseman。

Yourswasthebestpartintheplay，BrotherMerryman，hadyouandtheaudiencebutknownit。Butyoudreamtofashowierpart，whereyoulovedandfought。Ihaveheardyounowandagain，whenyoudidnotknowIwasnear，shoutingwithswordinhandbeforeyourlooking-glass。Youhadthrownyourmotleyasidetodonadingyredcoat；youweretheherooftheplay，youperformedthegallantdeeds，youmadethenoblespeeches。Iwonderwhattheplaywouldbelike，werewealltowriteourownparts。Therewouldbenoclowns，nosingingchambermaids。Wewouldallbeplayingleadinthecentreofthestage，withthelime-lightexclusivelydevotedtoourselves。

Woulditnotbeso？

Whatgrandactingpartstheyare，thesecharacterswewriteforourselvesaloneinourdressing-rooms。Wearealwaysbraveandnoble——wickedsometimes，butifso，inagreat，high-mindedway；

neverinameanorlittleway。Whatwondrousdeedswedo，whilethehouselooksonandmarvels。Nowwearesoldiers，leadingarmiestovictory。Whatifwedie：itisinthehouroftriumph，andanationislefttomourn。Notinsomeforgottenskirmishdoweeverfall；notforsome"affairofoutposts"dowegiveourblood，ourverynameunmentionedinthedispatcheshome。Nowwearepassionatelovers，welllosingaworldforlove——averydifferentthingtobeingalaughter-provokingco-respondentinasordiddivorcecase。

Andthehouseisalwayscrowdedwhenweplay。Ourfinespeechesalwaysfallonsympatheticears，ourbravedeedsarenotedandapplauded。Itissodifferentintherealperformance。Sooftenweplayourpartstoemptybenches，orifathinhousebepresent，theymisunderstand，andlaughatthepatheticpassages。Andwhenourfinestopportunitycomes，theroyalbox，inwhichHEorSHEshouldbepresenttowatchus，isvacant。

Poorlittledolls，howseriouslywetakeourselves，notknowingthespringsthatstirourbosomsarebutclockwork，notseeingthewirestowhichwedance。Poorlittlemarionettes，shallwetalktogether，Iwonder，whenthelightsoftheboothareout？

Wearelittlewaxdollieswithhearts。Wearelittletinsoldierswithsouls。Oh，Kingofmanytoys，areyoumerelyplayingwithus？

ISitonlyclockworkwithinus，thisthingthatthrobsandaches？

Haveyouwoundusupbuttoletusrundown？Willyouwindusagainto-morrow，orleaveusheretorust？ISitonlyclockworktowhichwerespondandquiver？Nowwelaugh，nowwecry，nowwedance；ourlittlearmsgoouttoclasponeanother，ourlittlelipskiss，thensaygood-bye。Westrive，andwestrain，andwestruggle。Wereachnowforgold，nowforlaurel。Wecallitdesireandambition：aretheyonlywiresthatyouplay？Willyouthrowtheclockworkaside，oruseitagain，OMaster？

Thelightsoftheboothgrowdim。Thespringsarebrokenthatkeptoureyesawake。Thewirethathelduserectissnapped，andhelplesswefallinaheaponthestage。Oh，brotherandsisterdolliesweplayedbeside，whereareyou？Whyisitsodarkandsilent？Whyarewebeingputintothisblackbox？Andhark！thelittledollorchestra——howfarawaythemusicsounds！whatisittheyareplaying：——

[StartofGounod’sFuneralMarchofaMarionette]