第5章

"Well，notrightin，"Ianswered，"Iifwearetobeliteral。Youwalkedontome；ifIhadnotstoppedyou，Isupposeyouwouldhavewalkedoverme。"

"ItisthisconfoundedChristmasbusiness，"heexplained。"Itdrivesmeoffmyhead。"

"IhaveheardChristmasadvancedasanexcuseformanythings，"I

replied，"butnotearlyinSeptember。"

"Oh，youknowwhatImean，"heanswered，"weareinthemiddleofourChristmasnumber。Iamworkingdayandnightuponit。Bythebye，"headded，"thatputsmeinmind。Iamarrangingasymposium，andIwantyoutojoin。’ShouldChristmas，’"——Iinterruptedhim。

"Mydearfellow，"Isaid，"IcommencedmyjournalisticcareerwhenI

waseighteen，andIhavecontinueditatintervalseversince。I

havewrittenaboutChristmasfromthesentimentalpointofview；I

haveanalyzeditfromthephilosophicalpointofview；andIhavescarifieditfromthesarcasticstandpoint。IhavetreatedChristmashumorouslyfortheComics，andsympatheticallyfortheProvincialWeeklies。IhavesaidallthatisworthsayingonthesubjectofChristmas——maybeatriflemore。Ihavetoldthenew-fashionedChristmasstory——youknowthesortofthing：yourheroinetriestounderstandherself，and，failing，runsoffwiththemanwhobeganasthehero；yourgoodwomanturnsouttobereallybadwhenonecomestoknowher；whilethevillain，theonlydecentpersoninthestory，dieswithanenigmaticsentenceonhislipsthatlooksasifitmeantsomething，butwhichyouyourselfwouldbesorrytohavetoexplain。Ihavealsowrittentheold-fashionedChristmasstory——youknowthatalso：youbeginwithagoodold-fashionedsnowstorm；youhaveagoodold-fashionedsquire，andhelivesinagoodold-fashionedHall；youworkinagoodold-fashionedmurder；andendupwithagoodold-fashionedChristmasdinner。IhavegatheredChristmasgueststogetherroundthecracklinglogstotellghoststoriestoeachotheronChristmasEve，whilewithoutthewindhowled，asitalwaysdoesontheseoccasions，atitspropercue。IhavesentchildrentoHeavenonChristmasEve——itmustbequiteabusytimeforSt。Peter，Christmasmorning，somanygoodchildrendieonChristmasEve。Ithasalwaysbeenapopularnightwiththem。——Ihaverevivifieddeadloversandbroughtthembackwellandjolly，justintimetositdowntotheChristmasdinner。Iamnotashamedofhavingdonethesethings。AtthetimeIthoughtthemgood。Ioncelovedcurrantwineandgirlswithtowzleyhair。One’sviewschangeasonegrowsolder。IhavediscussedChristmasasareligiousfestival。Ihavearraigneditasasocialincubus。IftherebeanyjokeconnectedwithChristmasthatIhavenotalreadymadeIshouldbegladtohearit。Ihavetrottedouttheindigestionjokestillthesightofoneofthemgivesmeindigestionmyself。Ihaveridiculedthefamilygathering。

IhavescoffedattheChristmaspresent。Ihavemadewittyuseofpaterfamiliasandhisbills。Ihave——"

"DidIevershowyou，"IbrokeofftoaskaswewerecrossingtheHaymarket，"thatlittleparodyofmineonPoe’spoemof’TheBells’？

Itbegins——"Heinterruptedmeinhisturn——

"Bills，bills，bills，"herepeated。

"Youarequiteright，"Iadmitted。"IforgotIevershowedittoyou。"

"Youneverdid，"hereplied。

"Thenhowdoyouknowhowitbegins？"Iasked。

"Idon’tknowforcertain，"headmitted，"butIget，onanaverage，sixty-fiveayearsubmittedtome，andtheyallbeginthatway。I

thought，perhaps，yoursdidalso。"

"Idon’tseehowelseitcouldbegin，"Iretorted。Hehadratherannoyedme。"Besides，itdoesn’tmatterhowapoembegins，itishowitgoesonthatistheimportantthingandanyhow，I’mnotgoingtowriteyouanythingaboutChristmas。Askmetomakeyouanewjokeaboutaplumber；suggestmyinventingsomethingoriginalandnottooshockingforachildtosayaboutheaven；proposemyrunningyouoffadogstorythatcanbebelievedbyamanofaveragedeterminationandwemaycometoterms。ButonthesubjectofChristmasIamtakingarest。"

BythistimewehadreachedPiccadillyCircus。

"Idon’tblameyou，"hesaid，"ifyouareassickofthesubjectasIam。SosoonastheseChristmasnumbersareoffmymind，andChristmasisovertillnextJuneattheoffice，Ishallbeginitathome。Thehousekeepingisgoneupapoundaweekalready。Iknowwhatthatmeans。ThedearlittlewomanissavinguptogivemeanexpensivepresentthatIdon’twant。IthinkthepresentsaretheworstpartofChristmas。Emmawillgivemeawater-colourthatshehaspaintedherself。Shealwaysdoes。Therewouldbenoharminthatifshedidnotexpectmetohangitinthedrawingroom。HaveyoueverseenmycousinEmma’swater-colours？"heasked。

"IthinkIhave，"Ireplied。

"There’snothinkingaboutit，"heretortedangrily。"They’renotthesortofwater-coloursyouforget。"

HeapostrophizedtheCircusgenerally。

"Whydopeopledothesethings？"hedemanded。"EvenanamateurartistmusthaveSOMEsense。Can’ttheyseewhatishappening？

There’sthatthingofhershanginginthepassage。Iputitinthepassagebecausethere’snotmuchlightinthepassage。She’slabelleditReverie。IfshehadcalleditInfluenzaIcouldhaveunderstoodit。Iaskedherwhereshegottheideafrom，andshesaidshesawtheskylikethatoneeveninginNorfolk。GreatHeavens！thenwhydidn’tsheshuthereyesorgohomeandhidebehindthebed-curtains？IfIhadseenaskylikethatinNorfolkI

shouldhavetakenthefirsttrainbacktoLondon。Isupposethepoorgirlcan’thelpseeingthesethings，butwhypaintthem？"

Isaid，"Isupposepaintingisanecessitytosomenatures。"

"Butwhygivethethingstome？"hepleaded。

Icouldofferhimnoadequatereason。

"Theidioticpresentsthatpeoplegiveyou！"hecontinued。"IsaidI’dlikeTennyson’spoemsoneyear。TheyhadworriedmetoknowwhatIdidwant。Ididn’twantanythingreally；thatwastheonlythingIcouldthinkofthatIwasn’tdeadsureIdidn’twant。Well，theyclubbedtogether，fourofthem，andgavemeTennysonintwelvevolumes，illustratedwithcolouredphotographs。Theymeantkindly，ofcourse。Ifyousuggestatobacco-pouchtheygiveyouabluevelvetbagcapableofholdingaboutapound，embroideredwithflowers，life-size。Theonlywayonecoulduseitwouldbetoputastraptoitandwearitasasatchel。Wouldyoubelieveit，Ihavegotavelvetsmoking-jacket，ornamentedwithforget-me-notsandbutterfliesincolouredsilk；I’mnotjoking。AndtheyaskmewhyI

neverwearit。I’llbringitdowntotheCluboneofthesenightsandwaketheplaceupabit：itneedsit。"

Wehadarrivedbythisatthestepsofthe’Devonshire。’

"AndI’mjustasbad，"hewenton，"whenIgivepresents。Inevergivethemwhattheywant。Ineverhituponanythingthatisofanyusetoanybody。IfIgiveJaneachinchillatippet，youmaybecertainchinchillaisthemostout-of-datefurthatanywomancouldwear。’Oh！thatisniceofyou，’shesays；’nowthatisjusttheverythingIwanted。Iwillkeepitbymetillchinchillacomesinagain。’Igivethegirlswatch-chainswhennobodyiswearingwatch-chains。Whenwatch-chainsarealltherageIgivethemear-rings，andtheythankme，andsuggestmytakingthemtoafancy-dressball，thatbeingtheironlychancetoweartheconfoundedthings。Iwastemoneyonwhitegloveswithblackbacks，tofindthatwhitegloveswithblackbacksstampawomanassuburban。Ibelievealltheshop-keepersinLondonsavetheiroldstocktopalmitoffonmeatChristmastime。Andwhydoesitalwaystakehalf-a-dozenpeopletoserveyouwithapairofgloves，I’dliketoknow？OnlylastweekJaneaskedmetogethersomeglovesforthatlastMansionHouseaffair。Iwasfeelingamiable，andIthoughtIwoulddothethinghandsomely。Ihategoingintoadraper’sshop；everybodystaresatamanasifhewereforcinghiswayintotheladies’departmentofaTurkishbath。Oneofthosemarionettesortofmencameuptomeandsaiditwasafinemorning。

WhatthedevildidIwanttotalkaboutthemorningtohimfor？I

saidIwantedsomegloves。Idescribedthemtothebestofmyrecollection。Isaid，’Iwantthemfourbuttons，buttheyarenottobebutton-gloves；thebuttonsareinthemiddleandtheyreachuptotheelbow，ifyouknowwhatImean。’Hebowed，andsaidheunderstoodexactlywhatImeant，whichwasadamnedsightmorethanIdid。ItoldhimIwantedthreepaircreamandthreepairfawn-coloured，andthefawn-colouredweretobeswedes。Hecorrectedme。HesaidImeant’Suede。’Idaresayhewasright，buttheinterruptionputmeoff，andIhadtobeginoveragain。HelistenedattentivelyuntilIhadfinished。IguessIwasaboutfiveminutesstandingwithhimthereclosetothedoor。Hesaid，’Isthatallyourequire，sir，thismorning？’Isaiditwas。

"’Thankyou，sir，’hereplied。’Thisway，please，sir。’

"Hetookmeintoanotherroom，andtherewemetamannamedJansen，towhomhebrieflyintroducedmeasagentlemanwho’desiredgloves。’’Yes，sir，’saidMr。Jansen；andwhatsortofglovesdoyoudesire？’

"ItoldhimIwantedsixpairsaltogether——threesuede，fawn-coloured，andthreecream-coloured——kids。

"Hesaid，’Doyoumeankidgloves，sir，orglovesforchildren？’

"Hemademeangrybythat。ItoldhimIwasnotinthehabitofusingslang。NoramIwhenbuyinggloves。Hesaidhewassorry。I

explainedtohimaboutthebuttons，sofarasIcouldunderstanditmyself，andaboutthelength。Iaskedhimtoseetoitthatthebuttonsweresewnonfirmly，andthatthestitchingeverywherewasperfect，addingthatthelastglovesmywifehadhadofhisfirmhadbeenmostunsatisfactory。Janehadimpresseduponmetoaddthat。

Shesaiditwouldmakethemmorecareful。

"Helistenedtomeinraptecstacy。Imighthavebeenmusic。

"’Andwhatsize，sir？’heasked。

"Ihadforgottenthat。’Oh，sixes，’Ianswered，’unlesstheyareverystretchyindeed，inwhichcasetheyhadbetterbefiveandthree-quarter。’

"’Oh，andthestitchingonthecreamistobeblack，’Iadded。ThatwasanotherthingIhadforgotten。

"’Thankyouverymuch，’saidMr。Jansen；’isthereanythingelsethatyourequirethismorning？’

"’No，thankyou，’Ireplied，’notthismorning。’Iwasbeginningtoliketheman。

"Hetookmeforquiteawalk，andwhereverwewenteverybodyleftoffwhattheyweredoingtostareatme。Iwasgettingtiredwhenwereachedtheglovedepartment。Hemarchedmeuptoayoungmanwhowasstickingpinsintohimself。Hesaid’Gloves，’anddisappearedthroughacurtain。Theyoungmanleftoffstickingpinsintohimself，andleantacrossthecounter。

"’Ladies’glovesorgentlemen’sgloves？’hesaid。

"Well，Iwasprettymadbythistime，asyoucanguess。Itisfunnywhenyoucometothinkofitafterwards，butthewonderthenwasthatIdidn’tpunchhishead。

"Isaid，’Areyoueverbusyinthisshop？Doesthereevercomeatimewhenyoufeelyouwouldliketogetyourworkdone，insteadoflingeringoveritandspinningitoutforpureloveofthething？’

"Hedidnotappeartounderstandme。Isaid，’Imetamanatyourdooraquarterofanhourago，andwetalkedabouttheseglovesthatIwant，andItoldhimallmyideasonthesubject。HetookmetoyourMr。Jansen，andMr。JansenandIwentoverthewholebusinessagain。NowMr。Jansenleavesitwithyou——youwhodonotevenknowwhetherIwantladies’orgentlemen’sgloves。BeforeIgooverthisstoryforthethirdtime，Iwanttoknowwhetheryouarethemanwhoisgoingtoserveme，orwhetheryouaremerelyalistener，becausepersonallyIamtiredofthesubject？’

"Well，thiswastherightmanatlast，andIgotmyglovesfromhim。

Butwhatistheexplanation——whatistheidea？Iwasinthatshopfromfirsttolastfive-and-thirtyminutes。Andthenafooltookmeoutthewrongwaytoshowmeaspeciallineinsleeping-socks。I

toldhimIwasnotrequiringany。Hesaidhedidn’twantmetobuy，heonlywantedmetoseethem。Nowonderthedrapershavehadtostartluncheonandtea-rooms。They’llfixupsmallfurnishedflatssoon，whereawomancanliveforaweek。"

Isaiditwasverytrying，shopping。Ialsosaid，asheinvitedme，andasheappeareddeterminedtogoontalking，thatIwouldhaveabrandy-and-soda。Wewereinthesmoke-roombythistime。

"Thereoughttobeanassociation，"hecontinued，"akindofclearing-houseforthecollectionanddistributionofChristmaspresents。Onewouldgivethemalistofthepeoplefromwhomtocollectpresents，andofthepeopletowhomtosend。SupposetheycollectedonmyaccounttwentyChristmaspresents，value，say，tenpounds，whileontheotherhandtheysentoutformethirtypresentsatacostoffifteenpounds。Theywoulddebitmewiththebalanceoffivepounds，togetherwithasmallcommission。Ishouldpayitcheerfully，andtherewouldbenofurthertrouble。Perhapsonemightevenmakeaprofit。Theideamightincludebirthdaysandweddings。Afirmwoulddothebusinessthoroughly。Theywouldseethatallyourfriendspaidup——Imeansentpresents；andtheywouldnotforgettosendtoyourmostimportantrelative。Thereisonlyonememberofourfamilycapableofleavingashilling；andofcourseifIforgettosendtoanyoneitistohim。WhenIrememberhimIgenerallymakeamuddleofthebusiness。TwoyearsagoIgavehimabath——Idon’tmeanIwashedhim——anindia-rubberthing，thathecouldpackinhisportmanteau。Ithoughthewouldfinditusefulfortravelling。Wouldyoubelieveit，hetookitasapersonalaffront，andwouldn’tspeaktomeforamonth，thesnuffyoldidiot。"

"Isupposethechildrenenjoyit，"Isaid。

"Enjoywhat？"heasked。

"Why，Christmas，"Iexplained。

"Idon’tbelievetheydo，"hesnapped；"nobodyenjoysit。Weexcitethemforthreeweeksbeforehand，tellingthemwhatagoodtimetheyaregoingtohave，over-feedthemfortwoorthreedays，takethemtosomethingtheydonotwanttosee，butwhichwedo，andthenbullythemforafortnighttogetthembackintotheirnormalcondition。IwasalwaystakentotheCrystalPalaceandMadameTussaud’swhenIwasachild，Iremember。HowIdidhatethatCrystalPalace！Auntusedtosuperintend。Itwasalwaysabitterlycoldday，andwealwaysgotintothewrongtrain，andtravelledhalfthedaybeforewegotthere。Weneverhadanydinner。Itneveroccurstoawomanthatanybodycanwanttheirmealswhileawayfromhome。Sheseemstothinkthatnatureisinsuspensefromthetimeyouleavethehousetillthetimeyougetbacktoit。Abunandaglassofmilkwasherideaoflunchforaschool-boy。Halfhertimewastakenupinlosingus，andtheotherhalfinslappinguswhenshehadfoundus。Theonlythingwereallyenjoyedwastherowwiththecabmancominghome。"

Irosetogo。

"Thenyouwon’tjointhatsymposium？"saidB————。"Itwouldbeaneasyenoughthingtoknockoff——’WhyChristmasshouldbeabolished。’"

"Itsoundssimple，"Ianswered。"Buthowdoyouproposetoabolishit？"Theladyeditorofan"advanced"Americanmagazineoncesetthediscussion——"Shouldsexbeabolished？"andelevenladiesandgentlemenseriouslyarguedthequestion。

"Leaveittodieofinanition，"saidB————-；"thefirststepistoarousepublicopinion。Convincethepublicthatitshouldbeabolished。"

"Butwhyshoulditbeabolished？"Iasked。

"GreatScott！man，"heexclaimed；"don’tyouwantitabolished？"

"I’mnotsurethatIdo，"Ireplied。

"Notsure，"heretorted；"youcallyourselfajournalist，andadmitthereisasubjectunderHeavenofwhichyouarenotsure！"

"Ithascomeovermeoflateyears，"Ireplied。"Itusednottobemyfailing，asyouknow。"

Heglancedroundtomakesurewewereoutofearshot，thensunkhisvoicetoawhisper。

"Betweenourselves，"hesaid，"I’mnotsosureofeverythingmyselfasIusedtobe。Whyisit？"

"Perhapswearegettingolder，"Isuggested。

Hesaid——"Istartedgolflastyear，andthefirsttimeItooktheclubinmyhandIsenttheballafurlong。’Itseemsaneasygame，’

Isaidtothemanwhowasteachingme。’Yes，mostpeoplefinditeasyatthebeginning，’hereplieddryly。Hewasanoldgolferhimself；Ithoughthewasjealous。Istuckwelltothegame，andforaboutthreeweeksIwasimmenselypleasedwithmyself。Then，gradually，Ibegantofindoutthedifficulties。IfeelIshallnevermakeagoodplayer。Haveyouevergonethroughthatexperience？"

"Yes，"Ireplied；"Isupposethatistheexplanation。Thegameseemssoeasyatthebeginning。"

Ilefthimtohislunch，andstrolledwestward，musingonthetimewhenIshouldhaveansweredthatquestionofhisaboutChristmas，oranyotherquestion，off-hand。ThatgoodyouthtimewhenIkneweverything，whenlifepresentednoproblems，danglednodoubtsbeforeme！

Inthosedays，wishfultogivetheworldthebenefitofmywisdom，andseekingforacandle-stickwherefrommybrilliancymightbevisibleandhelpfuluntomen，IarrivedbeforeadingyportalinChequersStreet，St。Luke’s，behindwhichaconclaveofyoungmen，togetherwithafewoldenoughtohaveknownbetter，meteveryFridayeveningforthepurposeofdiscussingandarrangingtheaffairsoftheuniverse。"Speakingmembers"werechargedten-and-sixpenceperannum，whichmusthaveworkedoutatanextremelymoderaterateperword；and"gentlemenwhosesubscriptionsweremorethanthreemonthsinarrear，"became，byRuleseven，powerlessforgoodorevil。Wecalledourselves"TheStormyPetrels，"and，underthesympatheticshadowofthosewings，I

labouredtwoseasonstowardsthereformationofthehumanrace；

until，indeed，ourtreasurer，anearnestyoungman，andatirelessfoeofallthatwasconventional，departedfortheEast，leavingbehindhimabalancesheet，showingthattheclubowedforty-twopoundsfifteenandfourpence，andthatthesubscriptionsforthecurrentyear，amountingtoalittleoverthirty-eightpounds，hadbeen"carriedforward，"butastowhere，thereportaffordednoindication。Whereuponourlandlord，amanutterlywithoutideals，seizedourfurniture，offeringtosellitbacktousforfifteenpounds。Wepointedouttohimthatthiswasanextravagantprice，andtenderedhimfive。

Thenegotiationsterminatedwithungentlemanlylanguageonhispart，and"TheStormyPetrels"scattered，nevertobeforegatheredtogetheragainabovethetroubledwatersofhumanity。Now-a-days，listeningtothefeebleplansofmodernreformers，Icannothelpbutsmile，rememberingwhatwasdoneinChequersStreet，St。Luke’s，inanagewhenMrs。Grundystillgavethelawtoliterature，whileyettheBritishmatronwastheguidetoBritishart。IaminformedthatthereisabroadthequestionofabolishingtheHouseofLords！Why，"TheStormyPetrels"abolishedthearistocracyandtheCrowninoneevening，andthenonlyadjournedforthepurposeofappointingacommitteetodrawupandhavereadyaRepublicanConstitutionbythefollowingFridayevening。TheytalkofEmpirelounges！Weclosedthedoorsofeverymusic-hallinLondoneighteenyearsagobytwenty-ninevotestoseventeen。Theyhadapatienthearing，andwereablydefended；butwefoundthatthetendencyofsuchamusementswasanti-progressive，andagainstthebestinterestsofanintellectuallyadvancingdemocracy。Imetthemoverofthecondemnatoryresolutionattheold"Pav"thefollowingevening，andwecontinuedthediscussionoverabottleofBass。Hestrengthenedhisargumentbypersuadingmetositoutthewholeofthethreesongssungbythe"LionComique"；butIsubsequentlyretortedsuccessfully，bybringingunderhisnoticethedancingofaladyinbluetightsandflaxenhair。IforgethernamebutnevershallI

ceasetorememberherexquisitecharmandbeauty。Ah，me！howcharmingandhowbeautiful"artistes"wereinthosegoldendays！

Whencehavetheyvanished？Ladiesinbluetightsandflaxenhairdancebeforemyeyesto-day，butmovemenot，unlessitbetowardsboredom。Wherebethetrippingwitchesoftwentyyearsago，whomtoseeoncewastodreamofforaweek，totouchwhosewhitehandwouldhavebeenjoy，tokisswhoseredlipswouldhavebeentoforetasteHeaven。Iheardonlytheotherdaythatthesonofanoldfriendofminehadsecretlymarriedaladyfromthefrontrowoftheballet，andinvoluntarilyIexclaimed，"Poordevil！"Therewasatimewhenmyfirstthoughtwouldhavebeen，"Luckybeggar！isheworthyofher？"Forthentheladiesoftheballetwereangels。Howcouldonegazeatthem——fromtheshillingpit——anddoubtit？Theydancedtokeepawidowedmotherincomfort，ortosendayoungerbrothertoschool。Thentheyweregloriouscreaturesayoungmandidwelltoworship；butnow-a-days——

Itisanoldjest。Theeyesofyouthseethroughrose-tintedglasses。Theeyesofagearedimbehindsmoke-cloudedspectacles。

Myflaxenfriend，youarenottheangelIdreamedyou，northeexceptionalsinnersomewouldpaintyou；butunderyourfeathers，justawoman——abundleoffolliesandfailings，tiedupwithsomesweetnessandstrength。YoukeepabroughamIamsureyoucannotaffordonyourthirtyshillingsaweek。ThereareladiesIknow，inMayfair，whohavepaidanextravagantpricefortheirs。Youpaintandyoudye，Iamtold：itisevenhintedyoupad。Don’tweallofusdeckourselvesoutinvirtuesthatarenotourown？Whenthepaintandthepowder，mysister，isstrippedbothfromyouandfromme，weshallknowwhichofusisentitledtolookdownontheotherinscorn。

Forgiveme，gentleReader，fordigressing。Theladyledmeastray。

Iwasspeakingof"TheStormyPetrels，"andofthereformstheyaccomplished，whichweremany。Weabolished，Iremember，capitalpunishmentandwar；wewereexcellentyoungmenatheart。Christmaswereformedaltogether，alongwithBankHolidays，byamajorityoftwelve。Ineverrecollectanyproposaltoabolishanythingeverbeinglostwhenputtothevote。Therewerefewthingsthatwe"StormyPetrels"didnotabolish。WeattackedChristmasongroundsofexpediency，andkilleditbyridicule。WeexposedthehollowmockeryofChristmassentiment；weabusedtheindigestibleChristmasdinner，thetiresomeChristmasparty，thesillyChristmaspantomime。

Ourfunnymemberwasside-splittingonthesubjectofChristmasWaits；oursocialreformerbitteruponChristmasdrunkenness；oureconomistindignantuponChristmascharities。Onlyoneargumentofanyweightwithuswasadvancedinfavourofthefestival，andthatwasourleadingcynic’ssuggestionthatitwasworthenduringthemiseriesofChristmas，toenjoythesoul-satisfyingcomfortoftheafterreflectionthatitwasallover，andcouldnotoccuragainforanotheryear。

ButsincethosedayswhenIwaspreparedtoputthisoldworldofourstorightsuponallmatters，Ihaveseenmanysightsandheardmanysounds，andIamnotquitesosureasIoncewasthatmyparticularviewsaretheonlypossiblycorrectones。Christmasseemstomesomewhatmeaningless；butIhavelookedthroughwindowsinpoverty-strickenstreets，andhaveseendingyparloursgaywithmanychainsofcolouredpaper。Theystretchedfromcornertocornerofthesmoke-grimedceiling，theyfellinclumsyfestoonsfromthecheapgasalier，theyframedthefly-blownmirrorandthetawdrypictures；andIknowtiredhandsandeyesworkedmanyhourstofashionandfixthosefoolishchains，saying，"Itwillpleasehim——

shewillliketoseetheroomlookpretty；"andasIhavelookedatthemtheyhavegrown，insomemysteriousmanner，beautifultome。

Thegaudy-colouredchildanddogirritatesme，Iconfess；butIhavewatchedagrimy，inartisticpersonage，smoothingitaffectionatelywithtoil-stainedhand，whileeagerfacescrowdedroundtoadmireandwonderatitsblatantcrudity。Ithangstothisdayinitscheapframeabovethechimney-piece，theonebrightspotrelievingthosedamp-stainedwalls；dulleyesstareandstareagainatit，catchingavista，throughitsflashytints，ofthefar-offlandofart。ChristmasWaitsannoyme，andIyearntothrowopenthewindowandflingcoalatthem——asoncefromthewindowofahighflatinChelseaIdid。IdoubtedtheirbeinggenuineWaits。Iwasinclinedtotheopiniontheywereyoungmenseekingexcuseformakinganoise。Oneofthemappearedtoknowahymnwithachorus，anotherplayedtheconcertina，whileathirdaccompaniedwithastepdance。

InstinctivelyIfeltnorespectforthem；theydisturbedmeinmywork，andthedesiregrewuponmetoinjurethem。ItoccurredtomeitwouldbegoodsportifIturnedoutthelight，softlyopenedthewindow，andthrewcoalatthem。Itwouldbeimpossibleforthemtotellfromwhichwindowintheblockthecoalcame，andthussubsequentunpleasantnesswouldbeavoided。Theywereacompactlittlegroup，andwithaverageluckIwasboundtohitoneofthem。

Iadoptedtheplan。Icouldnotseethemveryclearly。Iaimedratheratthenoise；andIhadthrownabouttwentychoicelumpswithouteffect，andwasfeelingsomewhatdiscouraged，whenayell，followedbylanguagesingularlyunappropriatetotheseason，toldmethatProvidencehadaidedmyarm。Themusicceasedsuddenly，andthepartydispersed，apparentlyinhighglee——whichstruckmeascurious。

OnemanInoticedremainedbehind。Hestoodunderthelamp-post，andshookhisfistattheblockgenerally。

"Whothrewthatlumpofcoal？"hedemandedinstentoriantones。

Tomyhorror，itwasthevoiceofthemanatEighty-eight，anIrishgentleman，ajournalistlikemyself。Isawitall，astheunfortunateheroalwaysexclaims，toolate，intheplay。He——numberEighty-eight——alsodisturbedbythenoise，hadevidentlygoneouttoexpostulatewiththerioters。Ofcoursemylumpofcoalhadhithim——himtheinnocent，thepeaceful（uptillthen），thevirtuous。

ThatisthejusticeFatedealsouttousmortalsherebelow。Thereweretentofourteenyoungmeninthatcrowd，eachoneofwhomfullydeservedthatlumpofcoal；he，theoneguiltless，gotit——

seemingly，sofarasthedimlightfromthegaslampenabledmetojudge，fullintheeye。

Astheblockremainedsilentinanswertohisdemand，hecrossedtheroadandmountedthestairs。Oneachlandinghestoppedandshouted——

"Whothrewthatlumpofcoal？Iwantthemanwhothrewthatlumpofcoal。Outyoucome。"

NowagoodmaninmyplacewouldhavewaitedtillnumberEighty-eightarrivedonhislanding，andthen，throwingopenthedoorwouldhavesaidwithmanlycandour——

"_I_threwthatlumpofcoal。Iwas-，"Hewouldnothavegotfurther，becauseatthatpoint，Ifeelconfident，numberEighty——

eightwouldhavepunchedhishead。Therewouldhavebeenanunseemlyfracasonthestaircase，totheannoyanceofalltheothertenantsandlater，therewouldhaveissuedasummonsandacross-summons。Angrypassionswouldhavebeenroused，bitterfeelingengenderedwhichmighthavelastedforyears。

Idonotpretendtobeagoodman。IdoubtifthepretencewouldbeofanyusewereItotry：Iamnotasufficientlygoodactor。I

saidtomyself，asItookoffmybootsinthestudy，preparatorytoretiringtomybedroom——"NumberEighty-eightisevidentlynotinaframeofmindtolistentomystory。Itwillbebettertolethimshouthimselfcool；afterwhichhewillreturntohisownflat，bathehiseye，andobtainsomerefreshingsleep。Inthemorning，whenweshallprobablymeetasusualonourwaytoFleetStreet，I

willrefertotheincidentcasually，andsympathizewithhim。I

willsuggesttohimthetruth——thatinallprobabilitysomefellow-tenant，irritatedalsobythenoise，hadaimedcoalattheWaits，hittinghiminsteadbyaregrettablebutpureaccident。WithtactImayevenbeabletomakehimseethehumouroftheincident。

Lateron，inMarchorApril，choosingmymomentwithjudgment，I

will，perhaps，confessthatIwasthatfellow-tenant，andoverafriendlybrandy-and-sodawewilllaughthewholetroubleaway。"

Asamatteroffact，thatiswhathappened。SaidnumberEighty-eight——hewasabigman，asgoodafellowatheartaseverlived，butimpulsive——"Damnedluckyforyou，oldman，youdidnottellmeatthetime。"

"Ifelt，"Ireplied，"instinctivelythatitwasacasefordelay。"

Therearetimeswhenoneshouldcontrolone’spassionforcandour；

andasIwassaying，Christmaswaitsexcitenoemotioninmybreastsavethatofirritation。ButIhaveknown"Hark，theheraldangelssing，"wheezilychantedbyfog-filledthroats，andaccompanied，hopelesslyoutoftune，byacornetandaflute，bringagreatlookofgladnesstoawork-wornface。Toheritwasamessageofhopeandlove，makingthehardlifetastesweet。Themerethoughtoffamilygatherings，socustomaryatChristmastime，boresussuperiorpeople；butIthinkofanincidenttoldmebyacertainman，afriendofmine。OneChristmas，myfriend，visitinginthecountry，camefacetofacewithawomanwhomintownhehadoftenmetamidverydifferentsurroundings。Thedoorofthelittlefarmhousewasopen；sheandanolderwomanwereironingatatable，andashersoftwhitehandspassedtoandfro，foldingandsmoothingtherumpledheap，shelaughedandtalked，concerningsimplehomelythings。Myfriend’sshadowfellacrossherwork，andshelookingup，theireyesmet；butherfacesaidplainly，"Idonotknowyouhere，andhereyoudonotknowme。HereIamawomanlovedandrespected。"Myfriendpassedinandspoketotheolderwoman，thewifeofoneofhishost’stenants，andsheturnedtowards，andintroducedtheyounger——"Mydaughter，sir。Wedonotseeherveryoften。SheisinaplaceinLondon，andcannotgetaway。ButshealwaysspendsafewdayswithusatChristmas。"

"Itistheseasonforfamilyre-unions，"answeredmyfriendwithjustthesuggestionofasneer，forwhichhehatedhimself。

"Yes，sir，"saidthewoman，notnoticing；"shehasnevermissedherChristmaswithus，haveyou，Bess？"

"No，mother，"repliedthegirlsimply，andbentherheadagainoverherwork。

Soforthesefewdayseveryyearthiswomanleftherfursandjewels，herfineclothesanddaintyfoods，behindher，andlivedforalittlespacewithwhatwascleanandwholesome。Itwastheoneanchorholdinghertowomanhood；andonelikestothinkthatitwas，perhaps，intheendstrongenoughtosaveherfromthedriftingwaters。AllwhichargumentsinfavourofChristmasandofChristmascustomsare，Iadmit，purelysentimentalones，butIhavelivedlongenoughtodoubtwhethersentimenthasnotitslegitimateplaceintheeconomyoflife。

ONTHETIMEWASTEDINLOOKINGBEFOREONELEAPS

Haveyouevernoticedthegoingoutofawoman？

Whenamangoesout，hesays——"I’mgoingout，shan’tbelong。"

"Oh，George，"crieshiswifefromtheotherendofthehouse，"don’tgoforamoment。Iwantyouto——"Shehearsafallingofhats，followedbytheslammingofthefrontdoor。

"Oh，George，you’renotgone！"shewails。Itisbutthevoiceofdespair。Asamatteroffact，sheknowsheisgone。Shereachesthehall，breathless。

"Hemighthavewaitedaminute，"shemutterstoherself，asshepicksupthehats，"thereweresomanythingsIwantedhimtodo。"

Shedoesnotopenthedoorandattempttostophim，sheknowsheisalreadyhalf-waydownthestreet。Itisamean，paltrywayofgoingout，shethinks；solikeaman。

Whenawoman，ontheotherhand，goesout，peopleknowaboutit。

Shedoesnotsneakout。Shesayssheisgoingout。Shesaysit，generally，ontheafternoonofthedaybefore；andsherepeatsit，atintervals，untiltea-time。Attea，shesuddenlydecidesthatshewon’t，thatshewillleaveittillthedayafterto-morrowinstead。

Anhourlatershethinksshewillgoto-morrow，afterall，andmakesarrangementstowashherhairovernight。Forthenexthourorsoshealternatesbetweenfitsofexaltation，duringwhichshelooksforwardtogoingout，andmomentsofdespondency，whenasenseofforebodingfallsuponher。Atdinnershepersuadessomeotherwomantogowithher；theotherwoman，oncepersuaded，isenthusiasticaboutgoing，untilsherecollectsthatshecannot。Thefirstwoman，however，convincesherthatshecan。

"Yes，"repliesthesecondwoman，"butthen，howaboutyou，dear？

YouareforgettingtheJoneses。"

"SoIwas，"answersthefirstwoman，completelynon-plussed。"Howveryawkward，andIcan’tgoonWednesday。IshallhavetoleaveittillThursday，now。"

"But_I_can’tgoThursday，"saysthesecondwoman。

"Well，yougowithoutme，dear，"saysthefirstwoman，inthetoneofonewhoissacrificingalife’sambition。

"Ohno，dear，Ishouldnotthinkofit，"noblyexclaimsthesecondwoman。"Wewillwaitandgotogether，Friday！"

"I’lltellyouwhatwe’lldo，"saysthefirstwoman。"Wewillstartearly"（thisisaninspiration），"andbebackbeforetheJonesesarrive。"

Theyagreetosleeptogether；thereisalurkingsuspicioninboththeirmindsthatthismaybetheirlastsleeponearth。Theyretireearlywithacanofhotwater。Atintervals，duringthenight，oneoverhearsthemsplashingwater，andtalking。

Theycomedownverylateforbreakfast，andbothverycross。Eachseemstohavearguedherselfintothebeliefthatshehasbeenluredintothispieceofnonsense，againstherbetterjudgment，bythepersistentfollyoftheotherone。Duringthemealeachoneaskstheother，everyfiveminutes，ifsheisquiteready。Eachone，itappears，hasonlyherhattoputon。Theytalkabouttheweather，andwonderwhatitisgoingtodo。Theywishitwouldmakeupitsmind，onewayortheother。Theyareverybitteronweatherthatcannotmakeupitsmind。Afterbreakfastitstilllookscloudy，andtheydecidetoabandontheschemealtogether。Thefirstwomanthenremembersthatitisabsolutelynecessaryforher，atallevents，togo。

"Butthereisnoneedforyoutocome，dear，"shesays。

Uptothatpointthesecondwomanwasevidentlynotsurewhethershewishedtogoorwhethershedidn’t。Nowsheknows。

"Ohyes，I’llcome，"shesays，"thenitwillbeover！"

"Iamsureyoudon’twanttogo，"urgesthefirstwoman，"andI

shallbequickerbymyself。Iamreadytostartnow。"

Thesecondwomanbridles。

"_I_shan’tbeacoupleofminutes，"sheretorts。"Youknow，dear，it’sgenerallyIwhohavetowaitforyou。"

"Butyou’venotgotyourbootson，"thefirstwomanremindsher。

"Well，theywon’ttakeANYtime，"istheanswer。"Butofcourse，dear，ifyou’dreallyratherIdidnotcome，sayso。"Bythistimesheisonthevergeoftears。

"Ofcourse，Iwouldlikeyoutocome，dear，"explainsthefirstinaresignedtone。"Ithoughtperhapsyouwereonlycomingtopleaseme。"

"Ohno，I’dLIKEtocome，"saysthesecondwoman。

"Well，wemusthurryup，"saysthefirst；"Ishan’tbemorethanaminutemyself，I’vemerelygottochangemyskirt。"

Half-an-hourlateryouhearthemcallingtoeachother，fromdifferentpartsofthehouse，toknowiftheotheroneisready。Itappearstheyhavebothbeenreadyforquitealongwhile，waitingonlyfortheotherone。

"I’mafraid，"callsouttheonewhoseturnitistobedown-stairs，"it’sgoingtorain。"

"Oh，don’tsaythat，"callsbacktheotherone。

"Well，itlooksverylikeit。"

"Whatanuisance，"answerstheup-stairswoman；"shallweputitoff？"

"Well，whatdoYOUthink，dear？"repliesthedown-stairs。

Theydecidetheywillgo，onlynowtheywillhavetochangetheirboots，andputondifferenthats。

Forthenexttenminutestheyarestillshoutingandrunningabout。

Thenitseemsasiftheyreallywereready，nothingremainingbutforthemtosay"Good-bye，"andgo。

Theybeginbykissingthechildren。Awomanneverleavesherhousewithoutsecretmisgivingsthatshewillneverreturntoitalive。

Onechildcannotbefound。Whenitisfounditwishesithadn’tbeen。Ithastobewashed，preparatorytobeingkissed。Afterthat，thedoghastobefoundandkissed，andfinalinstructionsgiventothecook。

Thentheyopenthefrontdoor。

"Oh，George，"callsoutthefirstwoman，turningroundagain。"Areyouthere？"

"Hullo，"answersavoicefromthedistance。"Doyouwantme？"

"No，dear，onlytosaygood-bye。I’mgoing。"

"Oh，good-bye。"

"Good-bye，dear。Doyouthinkit’sgoingtorain？"

"Ohno，Ishouldnotsayso。"

"George。"

"Yes。"

"Haveyougotanymoney？"

Fiveminuteslatertheycomerunningback；theonehasforgottenherparasol，theotherherpurse。

Andspeakingofpurses，remindsoneofanotheressentialdifferencebetweenthemaleandfemalehumananimal。Amancarrieshismoneyinhispocket。Whenhewantstouseit，hetakesitoutandlaysitdown。Thisisacrudewayofdoingthings，awomandisplaysmoresubtlety。Saysheisstandinginthestreet，andwantsfourpencetopayforabunchofvioletsshehaspurchasedfromaflower-girl。

Shehastwoparcelsinonehand，andaparasolintheother。Withtheremainingtwofingersofthelefthandshesecurestheviolets。

Thequestionthenarises，howtopaythegirl？Shefluttersforafewminutes，evidentlynotquiteunderstandingwhyitisshecannotdoit。Thereasonthenoccurstoher：shehasonlytwohandsandboththeseareoccupied。Firstshethinksshewillputtheparcelsandtheflowersintoherrighthand，thenshethinksshewillputtheparasolintoherleft。Thenshelooksroundforatableorevenachair，butthereisnotsuchathinginthewholestreet。Herdifficultyissolvedbyherdroppingtheparcelsandtheflowers。

Thegirlpicksthemupforherandholdsthem。Thisenableshertofeelforherpocketwithherrighthand，whilewavingheropenparasolaboutwithherleft。Sheknocksanoldgentleman’shatoffintothegutter，andnearlyblindstheflower-girlbeforeitoccurstohertocloseit。Thisdone，sheleansitupagainsttheflower-girl’sbasket，andsetstoworkinearnestwithbothhands。

Sheseizesherselffirmlybytheback，andturnstheupperpartofherbodyroundtillherhairisinfrontandhereyesbehind。Stillholdingherselffirmlywithherlefthand——didsheletherselfgo，goodnessknowswhereshewouldspinto；——withherrightsheprospectsherself。Thepurseisthere，shecanfeelit，theproblemishowtogetatit。Thequickestwaywould，ofcourse，betotakeofftheskirt，sitdownonthekerb，turnitinsideout，andworkfromthebottomofthepocketupwards。Butthissimpleideaneverseemstooccurtoher。Therearesomethirtyfoldsatthebackofthedress，betweentwoofthesefoldscommencesthesecretpassage。

Atlast，purelybychance，shesuddenlydiscoversit，nearlyupsettingherselfintheprocess，andthepurseisbroughtuptothesurface。Thedifficultyofopeningitstillremains。Sheknowsitopenswithaspring，butthesecretofthatspringshehasnevermastered，andsheneverwill。Herplanistoworryitgenerallyuntilitdoesopen。Fiveminuteswillalwaysdoit，providedsheisnotflustered。

Atlastitdoesopen。Itwouldbeincorrecttosaythatsheopensit。Itopensbecauseitissickofbeingmauledabout；and，aslikelyasnot，itopensatthemomentwhensheisholdingitupsidedown。Ifyouhappentobenearenoughtolookoverhershoulder，youwillnoticethatthegoldandsilverliesloosewithinit。Inaninnersanctuary，carefullysecuredwithasecondsecretspring，shekeepshercoppers，togetherwithapostage-stampandadraper’sreceipt，ninemonthsold，forelevenpencethree-farthings。

IremembertheindignationofanoldBus-conductor，once。Insidewewereninewomenandtwomen。Isatnextthedoor，andhisremarksthereforeheaddressedtome。Itwascertainlytakinghimsometimetocollectthefares，butIthinkhewouldhavegotonbetterhadhebeenlessbustling；heworriedthem，andmadethemnervous。

"Lookatthat，"hesaid，drawingmyattentiontoapoorladyopposite，whowasdivinginthecustomarymannerforherpurse，"theysitontheirmoney，womendo。Blestifyouwouldn’tthinktheywastryingto’atchit。"

Atlengththeladydrewfromunderneathherselfanexceedinglyfatpurse。

"Fancyridinginabumpbybus，percheduponthatthing，"hecontinued。"Thinkwhatastaminatheymusthave。"Hegrewconfidential。"I’veseenonewoman，"hesaid，"pulloutfromunderneath’erastreetdoorkey，atinboxoflozengers，apencil-case，awhoppingbigpurse，apacketofhair-pins，andasmelling-bottle。Why，youormewouldbewretched，sittingonaplaindoor-knob，andthemwomengoesaboutlikethatallday。I

supposetheygetsusedtoit。Drop’emonaneider-downpillow，andthey’dscream。Thetimeittakesmetogettuppenceoutofthem，why，it’s’eart-breaking。Firsttheytriesoneside，thentheytriestheother。Thentheygetsupandshakestheirselvestillthebusjerksthembackagain，andtheretheyare，amore’opeless’eapthanever。IfI’admywayI’dmakeeverybuscarryafemalesearcherascouldover’aul’emoneatatime，andtakethemoneyfrom’em。Talkaboutthepoorpickpocket。WhatIsayis，thatamanasfindshiswayintoawoman’spocket——well，hedeserveswhathegets。"

Butitwasthethoughtofmoreseriousmattersthatluredmeintoreflectionsconcerningtheover-carefulnessofwomen。Itisatheoryofmine——wrongpossibly；indeedIhavesobeeninformed——thatwepickourwaythroughlifewithtoomuchcare。Weareforeverlookingdownupontheground。Maybe，wedoavoidastumbleortwooverastoneorabrier，butalsowemisstheblueofthesky，thegloryofthehills。Thesebooksthatgoodmenwrite，tellingusthatwhattheycall"success"inlifedependsonourflingingasideouryouthandwastingourmanhoodinorderthatwemayhavethemeanswhenweareeightyofspendingarollickingoldage，annoyme。

WesaveallourlivestoinvestinaSouthSeaBubble；andinskimpingandscheming，wehavegrownmean，andnarrow，andhard。Wewillputoffthegatheringoftherosestilltomorrow，to-dayitshallbeallwork，allbargain-driving，allplotting。Lo，whento-

morrowcomes，therosesareblown；nordowecareforroses，idlethingsofsmallmarketablevalue；cabbagesaremoretoourfancybythetimeto-morrowcomes。

Lifeisathingtobelived，notspent，tobefaced，notordered。