第4章

"Oh，I’vecometoseeMr。Williamson，"yousay。

"Verysorry，sir，"isthepolitereply，"buthe’sout。"

"Out？Why，youjustnowtoldmethroughthetelephonethathe’dbeinallthemorning。"

"No，Isaid，he’WON’Tbeinallthemorning。’"

Yougobacktotheoffice，andsitdowninfrontofthattelephoneandlookatit。Thereithangs，calmandimperturbable。Wereitanordinaryinstrument，thatwouldbeitslasthour。Youwouldgostraightdown-stairs，getthecoal-hammerandthekitchen-poker，anddivideitintosufficientpiecestogiveabittoeverymaninLondon。Butyoufeelnervousoftheseelectricalaffairs，andthereisasomethingaboutthattelephone，withitsblackholeandcurlywires，thatcowsyou。Youhaveanotionthatifyoudon’thandleitproperlysomethingmaycomeandshockyou，andthentherewillbeaninquest，andbotherofthatsort，soyouonlycurseit。

Thatiswhathappenswhenyouwanttousethetelephonefromyourend。Butthatisnottheworstthatthetelephonecando。A

sensibleman，afteralittleexperience，canlearntoleavethethingalone。Yourworsttroublesarenotofyourownmaking。Youareworkingagainsttime；youhavegiveninstructionsnottobedisturbed。Perhapsitisafterlunch，andyouarethinkingwithyoureyesclosed，sothatyourthoughtsshallnotbedistractedbytheobjectsabouttheroom。Ineithercaseyouareanxiousnottoleaveyourchair，whenoffgoesthattelephonebellandyouspringfromyourchair，uncertain，forthemoment，whetheryouhavebeenshot，orblownupwithdynamite。Itoccurstoyouinyourweaknessthatifyoupersistintakingnonotice，theywillgettired，andleaveyoualone。Butthatisnottheirmethod。Thebellringsviolentlyatten-secondintervals。Youhavenothingtowrapyourheadupin。Youthinkitwillbebettertogetthisbusinessoveranddonewith。Yougotoyourfateandcallbacksavagely——

"Whatisit？Whatdoyouwant？"

Noanswer，onlyaconfusedmurmur，prominentoutofwhichcomethevoicesoftwomenswearingatoneanother。Thelanguagetheyaremakinguseofisdisgraceful。Thetelephoneseemspeculiarlyadaptedfortheconveyanceofblasphemy。Ordinarylanguagesoundsindistinctthroughit；buteverywordthosetwomenaresayingcanbeheardbyallthetelephonesubscribersinLondon。

Itisuselessattemptingtolistentilltheyhavedone。Whentheyareexhausted，youapplytothetubeagain。Noanswerisobtainable。Yougetmad，andbecomesarcastic；onlybeingsarcasticwhenyouarenotsurethatanybodyisattheotherendtohearyouisunsatisfying。

Atlast，afteraquarterofanhourorsoofsaying，"Areyouthere？""Yes，I’mhere，""Well？"theyoungladyattheExchangeaskswhatyouwant。

"Idon’twantanything，"youreply。

"Thenwhydoyoukeeptalking？"sheretorts；"youmustn’tplaywiththething。"

Thisrendersyouspeechlesswithindignationforawhile，uponrecoveringfromwhichyouexplainthatsomebodyrangyouup。

"WHOrangyouup？"sheasks。

"Idon’tknow。"

"Iwishyoudid，"sheobserves。

Generallydisgusted，youslamthetrumpetupandreturntoyourchair。Theinstantyouareseatedthebellclangsagain；andyouflyupanddemandtoknowwhatthethundertheywant，andwhothethundertheyare。

"Don’tspeaksoloud，wecan’thearyou。Whatdoyouwant？"istheanswer。

"Idon’twantanything。Whatdoyouwant？Whydoyouringmeup，andthennotanswerme？Doleavemealone，ifyoucan！"

"Wecan’tgetHongKongsatseventy-four。"

"Well，Idon’tcareifyoucan’t。"

"WouldyoulikeZulus？"

"Whatareyoutalkingabout？"youreply；"Idon’tknowwhatyoumean。"

"WouldyoulikeZulus——Zulusatseventy-threeandahalf？"

"Iwouldn’thave’ematsixapenny。Whatareyoutalkingabout？"

"HongKongs——wecan’tgetthematseventy-four。Oh，half-a-minute"

（thehalf-a-minutepasses）。"Areyouthere？"

"Yes，butyouaretalkingtothewrongman。"

"WecangetyouHongKongsatseventy-fourandseven-eights。"

"BotherHongKongs，andyoutoo。Itellyou，youaretalkingtothewrongman。I’vetoldyouonce。"

"Oncewhat？"

"Why，thatIamthewrongman——Imeanthatyouaretalkingtothewrongman。"

"Whoareyou？"

"Eight-one-nine，Jones。"

"Oh，aren’tyouone-nine-eight？"

"No。"

"Oh，good-bye。"

"Good-bye。"

HowcanamanafterthatsitdownandwritepleasantlyoftheEuropeancrisis？And，ifitwereneeded，hereinliesanotherindictmentagainstthetelephone。Iwasengagedinanargument，which，ifnotinitselfserious，wasatleastconcernedwithaseriousenoughsubject，theunsatisfactorynatureofhumanriches；

andfromthathighlymoraldiscussionhaveIbeenlured，bytheaccidentalsightoftheword"telephone，"intothewritingofmatterwhichcanhavetheeffectonlyofexcitingtofrenzyallcriticsoftheNewHumourintowhosehands，fortheirsins，thisbookmaycome。

Letmeforgetmytransgressionandreturntomysermon，orrathertothesermonofmymillionaireacquaintance。

Itwasonedayafterdinner，wesattogetherinhismagnificentlyfurnisheddining-room。Wehadlightedourcigarsatthesilverlamp。Thebutlerhadwithdrawn。

"Thesecigarswearesmoking，"myfriendsuddenlyremarked，aproposapparentlyofnothing，"theycostmefiveshillingsapiece，takingthembythethousand。"

"Icanquitebelieveit，"Ianswered；"theyareworthit。"

"Yes，toyou，"hereplied，almostsavagely。"Whatdoyouusuallypayforyourcigars？"

Wehadknowneachotheryearsago。WhenIfirstmethimhisofficesconsistedofabackroomupthreeflightsofstairsinadingyby-

streetofftheStrand，whichhassincedisappeared。Weoccasionallydinedtogether，inthosedays，atarestaurantinGreatPortlandStreet，foroneandnine。Ouracquaintanceshipwasofsufficientstandingtoallowofsuchaquestion。

"Threepence，"Ianswered。"Theyworkoutatabouttwopencethree-farthingsbythebox。"

"Justso，"hegrowled；"andyourtwopenny-three-farthingweedgivesyoupreciselythesameamountofsatisfactionthatthisfiveshillingcigaraffordsme。ThatmeansfourandninepencefarthingwastedeverytimeIsmoke。Ipaymycooktwohundredayear。I

don’tenjoymydinnerasmuchaswhenitcostmefourshillings，includingaquarterflaskofChianti。Whatisthedifference，personally，tomewhetherIdrivetomyofficeinacarriageandpair，orinanomnibus？Ioftendorideinabus：itsavestrouble。Itisabsurdwastingtimelookingforone’scoachman，whentheconductorofanomnibusthatpassesone’sdoorishailingoneafewyardsoff。BeforeIcouldaffordevenbuses——whenIusedtowalkeverymorningtotheofficefromHammersmith——Iwashealthier。

ItirritatesmetothinkhowhardIworkfornoearthlybenefittomyself。MymoneypleasesalotofpeopleIdon’tcaretwostrawsabout，andwhoareonlymyfriendsinthehopeofmakingsomethingoutofme。IfIcouldeatahundred-guineadinnermyselfeverynight，andenjoyitfourhundredtimesasmuchasIusedtoenjoyafive-shillingdinner，therewouldbesomesenseinit。WhydoIdoit？"

Ihadneverheardhimtalklikethisbefore。Inhisexcitementherosefromthetable，andcommencedpacingtheroom。

"Whydon’tIinvestmymoneyinthetwoandahalfpercents？"hecontinued。"AttheveryworstIshouldbesafeforfivethousandayear。What，inthenameofcommonsense，doesamanwantwithmore？

Iamalwayssayingtomyself，I’lldoit；whydon’tI？

"Well，whynot？"Iechoed。

"That’swhatIwantyoutotellme，"hereturned。"Yousetupforunderstandinghumannature，it’samysterytome。Inmyplace，youwoulddoasIdo；youknowthat。Ifsomebodyleftyouahundredthousandpoundsto-morrow，youwouldstartanewspaper，orbuildatheatre——somedamn-fooltrickforgettingridofthemoneyandgivingyourselfseventeenhours’anxietyaday；youknowyouwould。"

Ihungmyheadinshame。Ifeltthejusticeoftheaccusation。Ithasalwaysbeenmydreamtorunanewspaperandownatheatre。

"Ifweworkedonlyforwhatwecouldspend，"hewenton，"theCitymightputupitsshuttersto-morrowmorning。WhatIwanttogetatthebottomofisthisinstinctthatdrivesustoworkapparentlyforwork’sownsake。Whatisthisstrangethingthatgetsuponourbackandspursus？"

AservantenteredatthatmomentwithacablegramfromthemanagerofoneofhisAustrianmines，andhehadtoleavemeforhisstudy。

But，walkinghome，Ifelltoponderingonhiswords。WHYthisendlesswork？Whyeachmorningdowegetupandwashanddressourselves，toundressourselvesatnightandgotobedagain？Whydoweworkmerelytoearnmoneytobuyfood；andeatfoodsoastogainstrengththatwemaywork？Whydowelive，merelyintheendtosaygood-byetooneanother？Whydowelabourtobringchildrenintotheworldthattheymaydieandbeburied？

Ofwhatuseourmadstriving，ourpassionatedesire？Willitmattertotheageswhether，onceuponatime，theUnionJackortheTricolourfloatedoverthebattlementsofBadajoz？Yetwepouredourbloodintoitsditchestodecidethequestion。Willitmatter，inthedayswhentheglacialperiodshallhavecomeagain，toclothetheearthwithsilence，whosefootfirsttrodthePole？Yet，generationaftergeneration，wemileitsroadwaywithourwhiteningbones。Soverysoonthewormscometous；doesitmatterwhetherwelove，orhate？Yetthehotbloodrushesthroughourveins，wewearoutheartandbrainforshadowyhopesthateverfadeaswepressforward。

Theflowerstrugglesupfromseed-pod，drawsthesweetsapfromtheground，foldsitspetalseachnight，andsleeps。Thenlovecomestoitinastrangeform，anditlongstomingleitspollenwiththepollenofsomeotherflower。Soitputsforthitsgayblossoms，andthewanderinginsectbearsthemessagefromseed-podtoseed-pod。

Andtheseasonspass，bringingwiththemthesunshineandtherain，tilltheflowerwithers，neverhavingknowntherealpurposeforwhichitlived，thinkingthegardenwasmadeforit，notitforthegarden。Thecoralinsectdreamsinitssmallsoul，whichispossiblyitssmallstomach，ofhomeandfood。Soitworksandstrivesdeepdowninthedarkwaters，neverknowingofthecontinentsitisfashioning。

Butthequestionstillremains：forwhatpurposeisitall？

Scienceexplainsittous。Byagesofstrifeandeffortweimprovetherace；fromether，throughthemonkey，manisborn。So，throughthelabourofthecomingages，hewillfreehimselfstillfurtherfromthebrute。Throughsorrowandthroughstruggle，bythesweatofbrainandbrow，hewilllifthimselftowardstheangels。Hewillcomeintohiskingdom。

Butwhythebuilding？Whythepassingofthecountlessages？Whyshouldhenothavebeenbornthegodheistobe，imbuedatbirthwithallthecapabilitieshisancestorshavediedacquiring？WhythePictandHunthat_I_maybe？Why_I_，thatadescendantofmyown，towhomIshallseemasavage，shallcomeafterme？Why，iftheuniversebeorderedbyaCreatortowhomallthingsarepossible，theprotoplasmiccell？Whynotthemanthatistobe？

Shallallthegenerationsbesomuchhumanwastethathemaylive？

AmIbutanotherlayerofthesoilpreparingforhim？

Or，ifourfuturebeinotherspheres，thenwhytheneedofthisplanet？ArewelabouringatsomeWorktoovastforustoperceive？

Areourpassionsanddesiresmerewhipsandtracesbythehelpofwhichwearedriven？Anytheoryseemsmorehopefulthanthethoughtthatalloureager，fretfullivesarebuttheturningofauselessprisoncrank。Lookingbackthelittledistancethatourdimeyescanpenetratethepast，whatdowefind？Civilizations，builtupwithinfinitecare，sweptasideandlost。Beliefsforwhichmenlivedanddied，provedtobemockeries。GreekArtcrushedtothedustbyGothicbludgeons。Dreamsoffraternity，drownedinbloodbyaNapoleon。Whatislefttous，butthehopethattheworkitself，nottheresult，istherealmonument？Maybe，weareaschildren，asking，"Ofwhatusearetheselessons？Whatgoodwilltheyeverbetous？"Buttherecomesadaywhentheladunderstandswhyhelearntgrammarandgeography，whenevendateshaveameaningforhim。Butthisisnotuntilhehasleftschool，andgoneoutintothewiderworld。So，perhaps，whenwearealittlemoregrownup，wetoomaybegintounderstandthereasonforourliving。

ONTHECAREANDMANAGEMENTOFWOMEN

Italkedtoawomanonceonthesubjectofhoneymoons。Isaid，"Wouldyourecommendalonghoneymoon，oraSaturdaytoMondaysomewhere？"Asilencefelluponher。Igatheredshewaslookingbackratherthanforwardtoheranswer。

"Iwouldadvisealonghoneymoon，"sherepliedatlength，"theold-fashionedmonth。"

"Why，"Ipersisted，"Ithoughtthetendencyoftheagewastocutthesethingsshorterandshorter。"

"Itisthetendencyoftheage，"sheanswered，"toseekescapefrommanythingsitwouldbewisertoface。Ithinkmyselfthat，forgoodorevil，thesooneritisover——thesoonerboththemanandthewomanknow——thebetter。"

"Thesoonerwhatisover？"Iasked。

Ifshehadafault，thiswoman，aboutwhichIamnotsure，itwasaninclinationtowardsenigma。

Shecrossedtothewindowandstoodthere，lookingout。

"Wastherenotacustom，"shesaid，stillgazingdownintothewet，glisteningstreet，"amongoneoftheancientpeoples，Iforgetwhich，ordainingthatwhenamanandwoman，lovingoneanother，orthinkingthattheyloved，hadbeenjoinedtogether，theyshouldgodownupontheirweddingnighttothetemple？Andintothedarkrecessesofthetemple，throughmanywindingpassages，thepriestledthemuntiltheycametothegreatchamberwheredweltthevoiceoftheirgod。Therethepriestleftthem，clanging-tothemassivedoorbehindhim，andthere，aloneinsilence，theymadetheirsacrifice；andinthenighttheVoicespoketothem，showingthemtheirfuturelife——whethertheyhadchosenwell；whethertheirlovewouldliveordie。Andinthemorningthepriestreturnedandledthembackintotheday；andtheydweltamongtheirfellows。Butnoonewaspermittedtoquestionthem，northeytoanswershouldanydoso。Well，doyouknow，ournineteenth-centuryhoneymoonatBrighton，Switzerland，orRamsgate，asthechoiceornecessitymaybe，alwaysseemstomemerelyanotherformofthatnightspentaloneinthetemplebeforethealtarofthatforgottengod。Ouryoungmenandwomenmarry，andwekissthemandcongratulatethem；and，standingonthedoorstep，throwriceandoldslippers，andshoutgoodwishesafterthem；andhewaveshisglovedhandtous，andshefluttersherlittlehandkerchieffromthecarriagewindow；andwewatchtheirsmilingfacesandheartheirlaughteruntilthecornerhidesthemfromourview。Thenwegoaboutourownbusiness，andashorttimepassesby；andonedaywemeetthemagain，andtheirfaceshavegrownolderandgraver；andIalwayswonderwhattheVoicehastoldthemduringthatlittlewhilethattheyhavebeenabsentfromoursight。Butofcourseitwouldnotdotoaskthem。

Norwouldtheyanswertrulyifwedid。"

Myfriendlaughed，and，leavingthewindow，tookherplacebesidethetea-things，andothercallersdroppingin，wefelltotalkofpictures，plays，andpeople。

ButIfeltitwouldbeunwisetoactonhersoleadvice，muchasI

havealwaysvaluedheropinion。

Awomantakeslifetooseriously。Itisaseriousaffairtomostofus，theLordknows。Thatiswhyitiswellnottotakeitmoreseriouslythanneedbe。

LittleJackandlittleJillfalldownthehill，hurtingtheirlittleknees，andtheirlittlenoses，spillingthehard-earnedwater。Weareveryphilosophical。

"Oh，don’tcry！"wetellthem，"thatisbabyish。Littleboysandlittlegirlsmustlearntobearpain。Upyouget，fillthepailagain，andtryoncemore。"

LittleJackandlittleJillrubtheirdirtyknucklesintotheirlittleeyes，lookingruefullyattheirbloodylittleknees，andtrotbackwiththepail。Welaughatthem，butnotill-naturedly。

"Poorlittlesouls，"wesay；"howtheydidhullabaloo。Onemighthavethoughttheywerehalf-killed。Anditwasonlyabrokencrown，afterall。Whatafusschildrenmake！"WebearwithmuchstoicismthefalloflittleJackandlittleJill。

ButwhenWE——grown-upJackwithmoustacheturninggrey；grown-upJillwiththefirstfaint"crow’sfeet"showing——whenWEtumbledownthehill，andOURpailisspilt。YeHeavens！whatatragedyhashappened。Putoutthestars，turnoffthesun，suspendthelawsofnature。Mr。JackandMrs。Jill，comingdownthehill——whattheyweredoingonthehillwewillnotinquire——haveslippedoverastone，placedtheresurelybytheevilpowersoftheuniverse。Mr。

JackandMrs。Jillhavebumpedtheirsillyheads。Mr。JackandMrs。

Jillhavehurttheirlittlehearts，andstandmarvellingthattheworldcangoaboutitsbusinessinthefaceofsuchdisaster。

Don’ttakethematterquitesoseriously，JackandJill。Youhavespilledyourhappiness，youmusttoilupthehillagainandrefillthepail。Carryitmorecarefullynexttime。Whatwereyoudoing？

Playingsomefool’strick，I’llbebound。

Alaughandasigh，akissandgood-bye，isourlife。Isitworthsomuchfretting？Itisamerrylifeonthewhole。Courage，comrade。Acampaigncannotbealldrumandfifeandstirrup-cup。

Themarchingandthefightingmustcomeintoitsomewhere。Therearepleasantbivouacsamongthevineyards，merrynightsaroundthecampfires。Whitehandswaveawelcometous；brighteyesdimatourgoing。Wouldyourunfromthebattle-music？Whathaveyoutocomplainof？Forward：themedaltosome，thesurgeon’sknifetoothers；toallofus，soonerorlater，sixfeetofmotherearth。

Whatareyouafraidof？Courage，comrade。

Thereisameanbetweenbaskingthroughlifewiththesmilingcontentmentofthealligator，andshiveringthroughitwiththeaggressivesensibilityoftheLamadeterminedtodieateverycrossword。Tobearitasamanwemustalsofeelitasaman。Myphilosophicfriend，seeknottocomfortabrotherstandingbythecoffinofhischildwiththecheerysuggestionthatitwillbeallthesameahundredyearshence，because，foronething，theobservationisnottrue：themanischangedforalleternity——

possiblyforthebetter，butdon’taddthat。Asoldierwithabulletinhisneckisneverquitethemanhewas。Buthecanlaughandhecantalk，drinkhiswineandridehishorse。Nowandagain，towardsevening，whentheweatheristrying，thesicknesswillcomeuponhim。Youwillfindhimonacouchinadarkcorner。

"Hallo！oldfellow，anythingup？"

"Oh，justatwinge，theoldwound，youknow。Iwillbebetterinalittlewhile。"

Shutthedoorofthedarkroomquietly。IshouldnotstayeventosympathizewithhimifIwereyou。Themenwillbecomingtoscrewthecoffindownsoon。Ithinkhewouldliketobealonewithittillthen。Letusleavehim。Hewillcomebacktotheclublateronintheseason。Forawhilewemayhavetogivehimanothertenpointsorso，buthewillsoongetbackhisoldform。Nowandagain，whenhemeetstheotherfellows’boysshoutingonthetowing-path；whenBrownrushesupthedrive，paperinhand，totellhimhowthatyoungscapegraceJimhaswonhisCross；whenheiscongratulatingJones’seldestonhavingpassedwithhonours，theoldwoundmaygivehimanastytwinge。Butthepainwillpassaway。Hewilllaughatourstoriesandtellushisown；eathisdinner，playhisrubber。Itisonlyawound。

Tommycanneverbeours，Jennydoesnotloveus。Wecannotaffordclaret，sowewillhavetodrinkbeer。Well，whatwouldyouhaveusdo？Yes，letuscurseFatebyallmeans——someonetocurseisalwaysuseful。Letuscryandwringourhands——forhowlong？Thedinner-bellwillringsoon，andtheSmithsarecoming。Weshallhavetotalkabouttheoperaandthepicture-galleries。Quick，whereistheeau-de-Cologne？wherearethecurling-tongs？Orwouldyouwecommittedsuicide？Isitworthwhile？Onlyafewmoreyears——perhapsto-morrow，byaidofapieceoforangepeelorabrokenchimney-pot——andFatewillsaveusallthattrouble。

Orshallwe，assulkychildren，mopedayafterday？Weareabroken-heartedlittleJack——littleJill。Wewillneversmileagain；

wewillpineawayanddie，andbeburiedinthespring。Theworldissad，andlifesocruel，andheavensocold。Ohdear！ohdear！wehavehurtourselves。

Wewhimperandwhineateverypain。Inoldstrongdaysmenfacedrealdangers，realtroubleseveryhour；theyhadnotimetocry。

Deathanddisasterstoodeveratthedoor。Menwerecontemptuousofthem。Nowineachsnugprotectedvillawesettoworktomakewoundsoutofscratches。Everyhead-achebecomesanagony，everyheart-acheatragedy。Ittookamurderedfather，adrownedsweetheart，adishonouredmother，aghost，andaslaughteredPrimeMinistertoproducetheemotionsinHamletthatamodernminorpoetobtainsfromachorusgirl’sfrown，oratemporaryslumpontheStockExchange。LikeMrs。Gummidge，wefeelitmore。Thelighterandeasierlifegetsthemoreseriouslywegoouttomeetit。TheboatmenofUlyssesfacedthethunderandthesunshinealikewithfrolicwelcome。Wemodernsailorshavegrownmoresensitive。Thesunshinescorchesus，therainchillsus。Wemeetbothwithloudself-pity。

Thinkingthesethoughts，Isoughtasecondfriend——amanwhosebreezycommon-sensehasoftenhelpedme，andhimlikewiseI

questionedonthissubjectofhoneymoons。

"Mydearboy，"hereplied；"takemyadvice，ifeveryougetmarried，arrangeitsothatthehoneymoonshallonlylastaweek，andletitbeabustlingweekintothebargain。TakeaCook’scirculartour。

GetmarriedontheSaturdaymorning，cutthebreakfastandallthatfoolishness，andcatchtheeleven-tenfromCharingCrosstoParis。

TakeheruptheEiffelToweronSunday。LunchatFontainebleau。

DineattheMaisonDoree，andshowhertheMoulinRougeintheevening。TakethenighttrainforLucerne。DevoteMondayandTuesdaytodoingSwitzerland，andgetintoRomebyThursdaymorning，takingtheItalianlakesenroute。OnFridaycrosstoMarseilles，andfromtherepushalongtoMonteCarlo。Letherhaveaflutteratthetables。StartearlySaturdaymorningforSpain，crossthePyreneesonmules，andrestatBordeauxonSunday。GetbacktoParisonMonday（Mondayisalwaysagooddayfortheopera），andonTuesdayeveningyouwillbeathome，andgladtogetthere。Don’tgivehertimetocriticizeyouuntilshehasgotusedtoyou。Nomanwillbearunprotectedexposuretoayounggirl’seyes。Thehoneymoonisthematrimonialmicroscope。Wobbleit。Confuseitwithmanyobjects。Clouditwithotherinterests。Don’tsitstilltobeexamined。Besides，rememberthatamanalwaysappearsathisbestwhenactive，andawomanatherworst。Bustleher，mydearboy，bustleher：Idon’tcarewhoshemaybe。Giveherplentyofluggagetolookafter；makehercatchtrains。Letherseetheaveragehusbandsprawlingcomfortablyovertherailwaycushions，whilehiswifehastositboltuprightinthecornerlefttoher。

Letherhearhowothermenswear。Lethersmellothermen’stobacco。Hurryup，andgetheraccustomedquicklytothesightofmankind。Thenshewillbelesssurprisedandshockedasshegrowstoknowyou。OneofthebestfellowsIeverknewspoilthismarriedlifebeyondrepairbyalongquiethoneymoon。Theywentoffforamonthtoalonelycottageinsomeheaven-forsakenspot，whereneverasoulcamenearthem，andneverathinghappenedbutmorning，afternoon，andnight。Thereforthirtydayssheoverhauledhim。

Whenheyawned——andheyawnedprettyoften，Iguess，duringthatmonth——shethoughtofthesizeofhismouth，andwhenheputhisheelsuponthefendershesatandbroodedupontheshapeofhisfeet。Atmeal-time，notfeelinghungryherself，havingnothingtodotomakeherhungry，shewouldoccupyherselfwithwatchinghimeat；andatnight，notfeelingsleepyforthesamereason，shewouldlieawakeandlistentohissnoring。Afterthefirstdayortwohegrewtiredoftalkingnonsense，andsheoflisteningtoit（itsoundednonsensenowtheycouldspeakitaloud；theyhadfancieditpoetrywhentheyhadhadtowhisperit）；andhavingnoothersubject，asyet，ofcommoninterest，theywouldsitandstareinfrontoftheminsilence。Onedaysometrifleirritatedhimandheswore。Onabusyrailwayplatform，orinacrowdedhotel，shewouldhavesaid，’Oh！’andtheywouldbothhavelaughed。Fromthatechoingdesertthesillywordsroseupinwideningcirclestowardsthesky，andthatnightshecriedherselftosleep。Bustlethem，mydearboy，bustlethem。Wealllikeeachotherbetterthelesswethinkaboutoneanother，andthehoneymoonisanexceptionallycriticaltime。Bustleher，mydearboy，bustleher。"

MyveryworsthoneymoonexperiencetookplaceintheSouthofEnglandineighteenhundredand——well，nevermindtheexactdate，letussayafewyearsago。Iwasashyyoungmanatthattime。

Manycomplainofmyreservetothisday，butthensomegirlsexpecttoomuchfromaman。Weallhaveourshortcomings。Eventhen，however，Iwasnotsoshyasshe。WehadtotravelfromLyndhurstintheNewForesttoVentnor，anawkwardbitofcross-countryworkinthosedays。

"It’ssofortunateyouaregoingtoo，"saidheraunttomeontheTuesday；"Minnieisalwaysnervoustravellingalone。Youwillbeabletolookafterher，andIshan’tbeanxious。

Isaiditwouldbeapleasure，andatthetimeIhonestlythoughtit。OntheWednesdayIwentdowntothecoachoffice，andbookedtwoplacesforLymington，fromwherewetookthesteamer。Ihadnotasuspicionoftrouble。

Thebooking-clerkwasanelderlyman。Hesaid——

"I’vegottheboxseat，andtheendplaceonthebackbench。"

Isaid——

"Oh，can’tIhavetwotogether？"

Hewasakindly-lookingoldfellow。Hewinkedatme。Iwonderedallthewayhomewhyhehadwinkedatme。Hesaid——

"I’llmanageitsomehow。"

Isaid——

"It’sverykindofyou，I’msure。

Helaidhishandonmyshoulder。Hestruckmeasfamiliar，butwell-intentioned。Hesaid——

"Wehaveallofusbeenthere。"

IthoughthewasalludingtotheIsleofWight。Isaid——

"Andthisisthebesttimeoftheyearforit，soI’mtold。"Itwasearlysummertime。

Hesaid——"It’sallrightinsummer，andit’sgoodenoughinwinter——

WHILEITLASTS。Youmakethemostofit，young’un；"andheslappedmeonthebackandlaughed。

Hewouldhaveirritatedmeinanotherminute。Ipaidfortheseatsandlefthim。

Athalf-pasteightthenextmorningMinnieandIstartedforthecoach-office。IcallherMinnie，notwithanywishtobeimpertinent，butbecauseIhaveforgottenhersurname。ItmustbetenyearssinceIlastsawher。Shewasaprettygirl，too，withthosebrowneyesthatalwayscloudbeforetheylaugh。Herauntdidnotdrivedownwithusasshehadintended，inconsequenceofaheadache。Shewasgoodenoughtosayshefelteveryconfidenceinme。

Theoldbooking-clerkcaughtsightofuswhenwewereaboutaquarterofamileaway，anddrewtoustheattentionofthecoachman，whocommunicatedthefactofourapproachtothegatheredpassengers。Everybodyleftofftalking，andwaitedforus。Thebootsseizedhishorn，andblew——onecouldhardlycallitablast；

itwouldbedifficulttosaywhatheblew。Heputhisheartintoit，butnotsufficientwind。Ithinkhisintentionwastowelcomeus，butitsuggestedratherafeeblecurse。Welearntsubsequentlythathewasabeginnerontheinstrument。

Insomemysteriouswaythewholeaffairappearedtobeourparty。

Thebooking-clerkbustledupandhelpedMinniefromthecart。I

feared，foramoment，hewasgoingtokissher。ThecoachmangrinnedwhenIsaidgood-morningtohim。Thepassengersgrinned，thebootsgrinned。Twochamber-maidsandawaitercameoutfromthehotel，andtheygrinned。IdrewMinnieaside，andwhisperedtoher。

Isaid——

"There’ssomethingfunnyaboutus。Allthesepeoplearegrinning。"

Shewalkedroundme，andIwalkedroundher，butwecouldneitherofusdiscoveranythingamusingabouttheother。Thebooking-clerksaid——

"It’sallright。I’vegotyouyoungpeopletwoplacesjustbehindthebox-seat。We’llhavetoputfiveofyouonthatseat。Youwon’tmindsittingabitclose，willyou？"

Thebooking-clerkwinkedatthecoachman，thecoachmanwinkedatthepassengers，thepassengerswinkedatoneanother——thoseofthemwhocouldwink——andeverybodylaughed。Thetwochamber-maidsbecamehysterical，andhadtoclingtoeachotherforsupport。WiththeexceptionofMinnieandmyself，itseemedtobethemerriestcoachpartyeverassembledatLyndhurst。

Wehadtakenourplaces，andIwasstillbusytryingtofathomthejoke，whenastoutladyappearedonthescene，anddemandedtoknowherplace。

Theclerkexplainedtoherthatitwasinthemiddlebehindthedriver。

"We’vehadtoputfiveofyouonthatseat，"addedtheclerk。

Thestoutladylookedattheseat。

"Fiveofuscan’tsqueezeintothat，"shesaid。

Fiveofhercertainlycouldnot。Fourordinarysizedpeoplewithherwouldfindittight。

"Verywellthen，"saidtheclerk，"youcanhavetheendplaceonthebackseat。"

"Nothingofthesort，"saidthestoutlady。"IbookedmyseatonMonday，andyoutoldmeanyofthefrontplaceswerevacant。

"I’LLtakethebackplace，"Isaid，"Idon’tmindit。

"Youstopwhereyouare，young’un，"saidtheclerk，firmly，"anddon’tbeafool。I’llfixHER。"

Iobjectedtohislanguage，buthistonewaskindnessitself。

"Oh，letMEhavethebackseat，"saidMinnie，rising，"I’dsolikeit。"

Foranswerthecoachmanputbothhishandsonhershoulders。Hewasaheavyman，andshesatdownagain。

"Nowthen，mum，"saidtheclerk，addressingthestoutlady，"areyougoingupthereinthemiddle，orareyoucominguphereattheback？"

"Butwhynotletoneofthemtakethebackseat？"demandedthestoutlady，pointingherreticuleatMinnieandmyself；"theysaythey’dlikeit。Letthemhaveit。"

Thecoachmanrose，andaddressedhisremarksgenerally。

"Putherupattheback，orleaveherbehind，"hedirected。"ManandwifehaveneverbeenseparatedonthiscoachsinceIstartedrunningitfifteenyearago，andtheyain’tgoingtobenow。"

Ageneralcheergreetedthissentiment。Thestoutlady，nowregardedasawould-beblighteroflove’syoungdream，washustledintothebackseat，thewhipcracked，andawaywerolled。

Soherewastheexplanation。Wewereinahoneymoondistrict，inJune——themostpopularmonthinthewholeyearformarriage。EverytwooutofthreecouplesfoundwanderingabouttheNewForestinJunearehoneymooncouples；thethirdaregoingtobe。WhentheytravelanywhereitistotheIsleofWight。Webothhadonnewclothes。Ourbagshappenedtobenew。Bysomeevilchanceourveryumbrellaswerenew。Ourunitedageswerethirty-seven。ThewonderwouldhavebeenhadweNOTbeenmistakenforayoungmarriedcouple。

AdayofgreatermiseryIhaverarelypassed。ToMinnie，soherauntinformedmeafterwards，thejourneywasthemostterribleexperienceofherlife，butthenherexperience，uptothattime，hadbeenlimited。Shewasengaged，anddevotedlyattached，toayoungclergyman；IwasmadlyinlovewithasomewhatplumpgirlnamedCeciliawholivedwithhermotheratHampstead。IampositiveastoherlivingatHampstead。IremembersodistinctlymyweeklywalkdownthehillfromChurchRowtotheSwissCottagestation。

Whenwalkingdownasteephillalltheweightofthebodyisforcedintothetoeoftheboot，andwhenthebootistwosizestoosmallforyou，andyouhavebeenlivinginitsincetheearlyafternoon，yourememberathinglikethat。ButallmyrecollectionsofCeciliaarepainful，anditisneedlesstopursuethem。

Ourcoach-loadwasahomelyparty，andsomeofthejokeswerebroad——harmlessenoughinthemselves，hadMinnieandIreallybeenthemarriedcoupleweweresupposedtobe，buteveninthatcaseunnecessary。IcanonlyhopethatMinniedidnotunderstandthem。

Anyhow，shelookedasifshedidn’t。

Iforgetwherewestoppedforlunch，butIrememberthatlambandmintsaucewasonthetable，andthatthecircumstanceaffordedthegreatestdelighttoalltheparty，withtheexceptionofthestoutlady，whowasstillindignant，Minnieandmyself。Aboutmybehaviourasabridegroomopinionappearedtobedivided。"He’sabitstandoffishwithher，"Ioverheardoneladyremarktoherhusband；"Iliketosee’emabitkittenishmyself。"Ayoungwaitress，ontheotherhand，Iamhappytosay，showedmoresenseofnaturalreserve。"Well，Irespecthimforit，"shewassayingtothebarmaid，aswepassedthroughthehall；"I’djusthatetobefuzzledoverwitheverybodylookingon。"Nobodytookthetroubletodroptheirvoicesforourbenefit。Wemighthavebeenapairofprizelovebirdsonexhibition，thewaywewereopenlydiscussed。

Bythemajoritywewereclearlyregardedasasulkyyoungcouplewhowouldnotgothroughtheirtricks。

Ihaveoftenwonderedsincehowarealmarriedcouplewouldhavefacedthesituation。Possibly，hadweconsentedtogiveashortdisplayofmaritalaffection，"bydesire，"wemighthavebeenleftinpeacefortheremainderofthejourney。

Ourreputationprecededusontothesteamboat。Minniebeggedandprayedmetoletitbeknownwewerenotmarried。HowIwastoletitbeknown，exceptbyrequestingthecaptaintosummonthewholeship’scompanyondeck，andthenmakingthemashortspeech，Icouldnotthink。Minniesaidshecouldnotbearitanylonger，andretiredtotheladies’cabin。Shewentoffcrying。Hertroublewasattributedbycrewandpassengerstomycoldness。Onefoolplantedhimselfoppositemewithhislegsapart，andshookhisheadatme。

"Godownandcomforther，"hebegan。"Takeanoldman’sadvice。

Putyourarmsaroundher。"（Hewasoneofthosesentimentalidiots。）"Tellherthatyouloveher。"

Itoldhimtogoandhanghimself，withsomuchvigourthatheallbutfelloverboard。Hewassavedbyapoultrycrate：Ihadnoluckthatday。

AtRydetheguard，bysuperhumaneffort，contrivedtokeepusacarriagetoourselves。Igavehimashilling，becauseIdidnotknowwhatelsetodo。Iwouldhavemadeithalf-a-sovereignifhehadputeightotherpassengersinwithus。Ateverystationpeoplecametothewindowtolookinatus。

IhandedMinnieovertoherfatheronVentnorplatform；andItookthefirsttrainthenextmorning，toLondon。IfeltIdidnotwanttoseeheragainforalittlewhile；andIfeltconvincedshecoulddowithoutavisitfromme。Ournextmeetingtookplacetheweekbeforehermarriage。

"Whereareyougoingtospendyourhoneymoon？"Iaskedher；"intheNewForest？"

"No，"shereplied；"norintheIsleofWight。"

Toenjoythehumourofanincidentonemustbeatsomedistancefromiteitherintimeorrelationship。IrememberwatchinganamusingsceneinWhitefieldStreet，justoffTottenhamCourtRoad，onewinter’sSaturdaynight。Awoman——aratherrespectablelookingwoman，hadherhatonlybeenonstraight——hadjustbeenshotoutofapublic-house。Shewasverydignified，andverydrunk。A

policemanrequestedhertomoveon。Shecalledhim"Fellow，"anddemandedtoknowofhimifheconsideredthatwasthepropertoneinwhichtoaddressalady。Shethreatenedtoreporthimtohercousin，theLordChancellor。

"Yes；thiswaytotheLordChancellor，"retortedthepoliceman。

"Youcomealongwithme；"andhecaughtholdofherbythearm。

Shegavealurch，andnearlyfell。Tosaveherthemanputhisarmroundherwaist。Sheclaspedhimroundtheneck，andtogethertheyspunroundtwoorthreetimes；whileattheverymomentapiano-

organattheoppositecornerstruckupawaltz。

"Chooseyourpartners，gentlemen，forthenextdance，"shoutedawag，andthecrowdroared。

Iwaslaughingmyself，forthesituationwasundeniablycomical，theconstable’sexpressionofdisgustbeingquiteHogarthian，whenthesightofachild’sfacebeneaththegas-lampstayedme。HerlookwassofullofterrorthatItriedtocomforther。

"It’sonlyadrunkenwoman，"Isaid；"he’snotgoingtohurther。"

"Please，sir，"wastheanswer，"it’smymother。"

Ourjokeisgenerallyanother’spain。Themanwhositsdownonthetin-tackrarelyjoinsinthelaughONTHEMINDINGOFOTHERPEOPLE’SBUSINESS

IwalkedonebrightSeptembermorningintheStrand。IloveLondonbestintheautumn。Thenonlycanoneseethegleamofitswhitepavements，thebold，unbrokenoutlineofitsstreets。Ilovethecoolvistasonecomesacrossofmorningsintheparks，thesofttwilightsthatlingerintheemptybye-streets。InJunetherestaurantmanagerisoff-handwithme；IfeelIambutinhisway。

InAugusthespreadsformethetablebythewindow，poursoutformemywinewithhisownfathands。Icannotdoubthisregardforme：myfoolishjealousiesarestilled。DoIcareforadriveafterdinnerthroughthecaressingnightair，Icanclimbtheomnibusstairwithoutapreliminaryfightuponthecurb，cansitwitheasyconscienceandunsquashedbody，notfeelingIhavedeprivedsomehot，tiredwomanofaseat。DoIdesiretheplay，noharsh，forbidding"Housefull"boardrepelsmefromthedoor。Duringherseason，London，aharassedhostess，hasnotimeforus，herintimates。Herroomsareovercrowded，herservantsoverworked，herdinnershurriedlycooked，hertoneinsincere。Inthespring，tobetruthful，thegreatladycondescendstobesomewhatvulgar——noisyandostentatious。Nottilltheguestsaredepartedissheherselfagain，theLondonthatwe，herchildren，love。

Haveyou，gentleReader，everseenLondon——nottheLondonofthewakingday，coatedwithcrawlinglife，asablossomwithblight，buttheLondonofthemorning，freedfromherrags，thepatientcity，cladinmists？GetyouupwiththedawnoneSundayinsummertime。

Wakenoneelse，butcreepdownstealthilyintothekitchen，andmakeyourownteaandtoast。

Becarefulyoustumblenotoverthecat。Shewillwormherselfinsidiouslybetweenyourlegs。Itisherway；shemeansitinfriendship。Neitherbarkyourshinsagainstthecoal-box。Whythekitchencoal-boxhasitsfixedplaceinthedirectlinebetweenthekitchendoorandthegas-bracketIcannotsay。Imerelyknowitasanuniversallaw；andIwouldthatyouescapedthatcoal-box，lesttheframeofmindIdesireforyouonthisSabbathmorningbedissipated。

Aspoontostiryourtea，Ifearyoumustdispensewith。Knivesandforksyouwilldiscoverinplenty；blackingbrushesyouwillputyourhanduponineverydrawer；ofemerypaper，didonerequireit，therearereams；butitisapointwitheveryhousekeeperthatthespoonsbehiddeninadifferentplaceeachnight。Ifanybodyexceptingherselfcanfindtheminthemorning，itisasluruponher。Nomatter，astickoffirewood，sharpenedatoneend，makesanexcellentsubstitute。

Yourbreakfastdone，turnoutthegas，remountthestairsquietly，opengentlythefrontdoorandslipout。Youwillfindyourselfinanunknownland。Astrangecitygrownroundyouinthenight。

Thesweetlongstreetsliesilentinsunlight。NotalivingthingistobeseensavesomeleanTomthatslinksfromhisgutterfeastasyouapproach。Fromsometreetherewillsoundperhapsafretfulchirp：buttheLondonsparrowisnoearlyriser；heisbuttalkinginhissleep。Theslowtrampofunseenpolicemandrawsnearordiesaway。Theclatterofyourownfootstepsgoeswithyou，troublingyou。Youfindyourselftryingtowalksoftly，asonedoesinechoingcathedrals。Avoiceiseverywhereaboutyouwhisperingtoyou"Hush。"Isthismillion-breastedCitythensometenderArtemis，seekingtokeepherbabesasleep？"Hush，youcarelesswayfarer；donotwakenthem。Walklighter；theyaresotired，thesemyriadchildrenofmine，sleepinginmythousandarms。Theyareover-workedandover-worried；somanyofthemaresick，somanyfretful，manyofthem，alas，sofullofnaughtiness。Butallofthemsotired。Hush！theyworrymewiththeirnoiseandriotwhentheyareawake。Theyaresogoodnowtheyareasleep。Walklightly，letthemrest。"

Wheretheebbingtideflowssoftlythroughwornarchestothesea，youmayhearthestone-facedCitytalkingtotherestlesswaters：

"Whywillyouneverstaywithme？Whycomebuttogo？"

"Icannotsay，Idonotunderstand。FromthedeepseaIcome，butonlyasabirdloosedfromachild’shandwithacord。WhenshecallsImustreturn。"

"Itissowiththesechildrenofmine。Theycometome，Iknownotwhence。Inursethemforalittlewhile，tillahandIdonotseeplucksthemback。Andotherstaketheirplace。"

Throughthestillairtherepassesarippleofsound。ThesleepingCitystirswithafaintsigh。Adistantmilk-cartrattlingbyraisesathousandechoes；itisthevanguardofayokedarmy。Soonfromeverystreetthererisesthesoothingcry，"Mee’hilk——mee’hilk。"

LondonlikesomeGargantuanbabe，isawake，cryingforitsmilk。

Thesebethewhite-smockednurseshasteningwithitsmorningnourishment。Theearlychurchbellsring。"Youhavehadyourmilk，littleLondon。Nowcomeandsayyourprayers。Anotherweekhasjustbegun，babyLondon。Godknowswhatwillhappen，sayyourprayers。"

Onebyonethelittlecreaturescreepfrombehindtheblindsintothestreets。ThebroodingtendernessisvanishedfromtheCity’sface。Thefretfulnoisesofthedayhavecomeagain。Silence，herloverofthenight，kissesherstonelips，andstealsaway。Andyou，gentleReader，returnhome，garlandedwiththeself-sufficiencyoftheearlyriser。

Butitwasofacertainweek-daymorning，intheStrandthatIwasthinking。IwasstandingoutsideGatti’sRestaurant，whereIhadjustbreakfasted，listeningleisurelytoanargumentbetweenanindignantladypassenger，presumablyofIrishextraction，andanomnibusconductor。

"Forwhatd’yewantthintopaintPutneyonye’rbus，ifyedon’tGO

toPutney？"saidthe，lady。

"WeDOgotoPutney，"saidtheconductor。

"Thinwhydidyeputmeouthere？"

"Ididn’tputyouout，yergotout。"

"Shure，didn’tthegintlemaninthecornertellmeIwascomin’

furtherawayfromPutneyiveryminit？"

"Wal，andsoyerwas。"

"Thinwhoydidn’tyoutellme？"

"HowwasItoknowyerwantedtogotoPutney？YersingsoutPutney，andIstopsandinyerjumps。"

"Andforwhatd’yethinkIcalledoutPutneythin？"

"’Causeit’smyname，orraytherthebus’sname。This’ereISaPutney。"

"HowcanitbeaPutneywhinitisn’tgoin’toPutney，yegomerhawk？"

"Ain’tyouanHirishwoman？"retortedtheconductor。"Courseyerare。Butyeraren’talwaysgoin’toIreland。We’regoin’toPutneyintime，onlywe’rea-goingtoLiverpoolStreetfust。’Igherup，Jim。"

Thebusmovedon，andIwasaboutcrosstheroad，whenaman，mutteringsavagelytohimself，walkedintome。HewouldhavesweptpastmehadInot，recognizinghim，arrestedhim。ItwasmyfriendB————-，abusyeditorofmagazinesandjournals。Itwassomesecondsbeforeheappearedabletostruggleoutofhisabstraction，andrememberhimself。"Halloo，"hethensaid，"whowouldhavethoughtofseeingYOUhere？"

"Tojudgebythewayyouwerewalking，"Ireplied，"onewouldimaginetheStrandthelastplaceinwhichyouexpectedtoseeanyhumanbeing。Doyoueverwalkintoashort-tempered，muscularman？"

"DidIwalkintoyou？"heaskedsurprised。