第7章
"WhatIsay。NotlongagoIlearntthatheusedtobeinlovewithMimiherselfwhenhewasayoungman，andthatheusedtosendherpoetry，andthattherereallywassomethingbetweenthem。Mimiisheart-soreaboutittothisday"——andWolodaburstoutlaughing。
"Impossible！"Icriedinastonishment。
"Buttheprincipalthingatthismoment，"wentonWoloda，becomingseriousagain，andrelapsingintoFrench，"istothinkhowdelightedallourrelationswillbewiththismarriage！Why，shewillprobablyhavechildren！"
Woloda’sprudenceandforethoughtstruckmesoforciblythatI
hadnoanswertomake。JustatthismomentLubotshkaapproachedus。
"Soyouknow？"shesaidwithajoyfulface。
"Yes，"saidWoloda。"Still，Iamsurprisedatyou，Lubotshka。Youarenolongerababyinlongclothes。WhyshouldyoubesopleasedbecausePapaisgoingtomarryapieceoftrash？"
AtthisLubotshka’sfacefell，andshebecameserious。
"Oh，Woloda！"sheexclaimed。"Why’apieceoftrash’indeed？HowcanyoudaretospeakofAvdotialikethat？IfPapaisgoingtomarryhershecannotbe’trash。’"
"No，nottrash，sotospeak，but——"
"No’buts’atall！"interruptedLubotshka，flaringup。"Youhaveneverheardmecallthegirlwhomyouareinlovewith’trash！’
How，then，canyouspeaksoofPapaandarespectablewoman？
Althoughyouaremyelderbrother，Iwon’tallowyoutospeaklikethat！Yououghtnotto！"
"Mayn’tIevenexpressanopinionabout——"
"No，youmayn’t！"repeatedLubotshka。"Nooneoughttocriticisesuchafatherasours。Mimihastherightto，butnotyou，howevermuchyoumaybetheeldestbrother。"
"Ohyoudon’tunderstandanything，"saidWolodacontemptuously。
"Tryanddoso。Howcanitbeagoodthingthata’Dunetchka’ofanEpifanovshouldtaketheplaceofourdeadMamma？"
ForamomentLubotshkawassilent。Thenthetearssuddenlycameintohereyes。
"Iknewthatyouwereconceited，butIneverthoughtthatyoucouldbecruel，"shesaid，andleftus。
"Pshaw！"saidWoloda，pullingaserio-comicfaceandmake-
believe，stupideyes。"That’swhatcomesofarguingwiththem。"
EvidentlyhefeltthathewasatfaultinhavingsofarforgothimselfastodescendtodiscussmattersatallwithLubotshka。
Nextdaytheweatherwasbad，andneitherPapanortheladieshadcomedowntomorningteawhenIenteredthedrawing-room。Therehadbeencoldraininthenight，andremnantsofthecloudsfromwhichithaddescendedwerestillscuddingacrossthesky，withthesun’sluminousdisc（notyetrisentoanygreatheight）
showingfaintlythroughthem。Itwasawindy，damp，greymorning。
Thedoorintothegardenwasstandingopen，andpoolsleftbythenight’srainweredryingonthedamp-blackenedflagsoftheterrace。Theopendoorwasswingingonitsironhingesinthewind，andallthepathslookedwetandmuddy。Theoldbirchtreeswiththeirnakedwhitebranches，thebushes，theturf，thenettles，thecurrant-trees，theelderswiththepalesideoftheirleavesturnedupwards——allweredashingthemselvesabout，andlookingasthoughtheyweretryingtowrenchthemselvesfreefromtheirroots。Fromtheavenueoflime-treesshowersofround，yellowleaveswereflyingthroughtheairintossing，eddyingcircles，andstrewingthewetroadandsoakedaftermathofthehayfieldwithaclammycarpet。Atthemoment，mythoughtswerewhollytakenupwithmyfather’sapproachingmarriageandwiththepointofviewfromwhichWolodaregardedit。Thefutureseemedtometobodenogoodforanyofus。Ifeltdistressedtothinkthatawomanwhowasnotonlyastrangerbutyoungshouldbegoingtoassociatewithusinsomanyrelationsoflife，withouthavinganyrighttodoso——nay，thatthisyoungwomanwasgoingtousurptheplaceofourdeadmother。Ifeltdepressed，andkeptthinkingmoreandmorethatmyfatherwastoblameinthematter。PresentlyIheardhisvoiceandWoloda’sspeakingtogetherinthepantry，and，notwishingtomeetPapajustthen，hadjustlefttheroomwhenIwaspursuedbyLubotshka，whosaidthatPapawantedtoseeme。
Hewasstandinginthedrawing-room，withhishandrestingonthepiano，andwasgazinginmydirectionwithanairatoncegraveandimpatient。Hisfacenolongerworetheyouthful，gayexpressionwhichhadstruckmeforsolong，but，onthecontrary，lookedsad。Wolodawaswalkingabouttheroomwithapipeinhishand。Iapproachedmyfather，andbadehimgoodmorning。
"Well，mychildren，"hesaidfirmly，withaliftofhisheadandinthepeculiarlyhurriedmannerofonewhowishestoannouncesomethingobviouslyunwelcome，butnolongeradmittingofreconsideration，"youknow，Isuppose，thatIamgoingtomarryAvdotiaEpifanov。"Hepausedamoment。"HithertoIhadhadnodesireforanyonetosucceedyourmother，but"——andagainhepaused——"it-itisevidentlymyfate。Dunetchkaisanexcellent，kindgirl，andnolongerinherfirstyouth。Ihope，therefore，mychildren，thatyouwilllikeher，andshe，Iknow，willbesincerelyfondofyou，forsheisagoodwoman。Andnow，"hewenton，addressinghimselfmoreparticularlytoWolodaandmyself，andhavingtheappearanceofspeakinghurriedlyinordertopreventusfrominterruptinghim，"itistimeforyoutodepart，whileImyselfamgoingtostayhereuntiltheNewYear，andthentofollowyoutoMoscowwith"——againhehesitatedamoment——"mywifeandLubotshka。"Ithurtmetoseemyfatherstandingasthoughabashedandatfaultbeforeus，soImovedalittlenearerhim，butWolodaonlywentonwalkingabouttheroomwithhisheaddown，andsmoking。
"So，mychildren，thatiswhatyouroldfatherhasplannedtodo，"concludedPapa——reddening，coughing，andofferingWolodaandmyselfhishands。Tearswereinhiseyesashesaidthis，andI
noticed，too，thatthehandwhichhewasholdingouttoWoloda（whoatthatmomentchancedtobeattheotherendoftheroom）
wasshakingslightly。Thesightofthatshakinghandgavemeanunpleasantshock，forIrememberedthatPapahadservedin1812，andhadbeen，aseveryoneknew，abraveofficer。Seizingthegreatveinyhand，Icovereditwithkisses，andhesqueezedminehardinreturn。Then，withasobamidhistears，hesuddenlythrewhisarmsaroundLubotshka’sdarkhead，andkissedheragainandagainontheeyes。Wolodapretendedthathehaddroppedhispipe，and，bendingdown，wipedhiseyesfurtivelywiththebackofhishand。Then，endeavouringtoescapenotice，helefttheroom。
XXXVI
THEUNIVERSITY
THEweddingwastotakeplaceintwoweeks’time，but，asourlectureshadbegunalready，WolodaandmyselfwereforcedtoreturntoMoscowatthebeginningofSeptember。TheNechludoffshadalsoreturnedfromthecountry，andDimitri（withwhom，onparting，Ihadmadeanagreementthatweshouldcorrespondfrequentlywiththeresult，ofcourse，thatwehadneveroncewrittentooneanother）cametoseeusimmediatelyafterourarrival，andarrangedtoescortmetomyfirstlectureonthemorrow。
Itwasabeautifulsunnyday。NosoonerhadIenteredtheauditoriumthanIfeltmypersonalityentirelydisappearamidtheswarmoflight-heartedyouthswhowereseethingtumultuouslythrougheverydoorwayandcorridorundertheinfluenceofthesunlightpouringthroughthegreatwindows。Ifoundthesenseofbeingamemberofthishugecommunityverypleasing，yettherewerefewamongthethrongwhomIknew，andthatonlyontermsofanodanda"Howdoyoudo，Irtenieff？"
Allaroundmemenwereshakinghandsandchattingtogether——fromeverysidecameexpressionsoffriendship，laughter，jests，andbadinage。EverywhereIcouldfeelthetiewhichboundthisyouthfulsocietyinone，andeverywhere，too，Icouldfeelthatitleftmeout。Yetthisimpressionlastedforamomentonly，andwassucceeded，togetherwiththevexationwhichithadcaused，bytheideathatitwasbestthatIshouldnotbelongtothatsociety，butkeeptomyowncircleofgentlemen；whereforeI
proceededtoseatmyselfuponthethirdbench，with，asneigh~
hours，CountB。，BaronZ。，thePrinceR。，Iwin，andsomeotheryoungmenofthesameclasswithnoneofwhom，however，wasacquaintedsavewithIwinandCountB。YetthelookwhichtheseyounggentlementhrewatmeatoncemademefeelthatIwasnotoftheirset，andIturnedtoobservewhatwasgoingonaroundme。Semenoff，withgrey，mattedhair，whiteteeth，andtunicflyingopen，wasseatedalittledistanceoff，andleaningforwardonhiselbowsashenibbledapen，whilethegymnasiumstudentwhohadcomeoutfirstintheexaminationshadestablishedhimselfonthefrontbench，and，withablackstockcominghalf-wayuphischeek，wastoyingwiththesilverwatch-
chainwhichadornedhissatinwaistcoat。OnabenchinaraisedpartofthehallIcoulddescryIkonin（evidentlyhehadcontrivedtoentertheUniversitysomehow！），andhearhimfussilyproclaiming，inallthegloryofbluepipedtrouserswhichcompletelyhidhisboots，thathewasnowseatedonParnassus。
Ilinka——whohadsurprisedmebygivingmeabownotonlycold，butsupercilious，asthoughtoremindmethatherewewereallequals——wasjustinfrontofme，withhislegsrestinginfreeandeasystyleonanotherbench（ahit，somehowIthought，atmyself），andconversingwithastudentashethrewoccasionalglancesinmydirection。Iwin’ssetbymysideweretalkinginFrench，yeteverywordwhichIoverheardoftheirconversationseemedtomebothstupidandincorrect（"Cen’estpasfrancais，"
Ithoughttomyself），whilealltheattitudes，utterances，anddoingsofSemenoff，Ilinka，andthereststruckmeasuniformlycoarse，ungentlemanly，and"commeilnefautpas。"
Thus，attachedtonoparticularset，Ifeltisolatedandunabletomakefriends，andsogrewresentful。Oneofthestudentsonthebenchinfrontofmekeptbitinghisnails，whichwererawtothequickalready，andthissodisgustedmethatIedgedawayfromhim。Inshort，Irememberfindingmyfirstdayamostdepressingaffair。
Whentheprofessorentered，andtherewasageneralstirandacessationofchatter，Irememberthrowingascornfulglanceathim，asalsothathebeganhisdiscoursewithasentencewhichI
thoughtdevoidofmeaning。Ihadexpectedthelecturetobe，fromfirsttolast，socleverthatnotawordoughttobetakenfromoraddedtoit。Disappointedinthis，Iatonceproceededtodrawbeneaththeheading"FirstLecture"withwhichIhadadornedmybeautifully-boundnotebooknolessthaneighteenfacesinprofile，joinedtogetherinasortofchaplet，andonlyoccasionallymovedmyhandalongthepageinordertogivetheprofessor（who，Ifeltsure，mustbegreatlyinterestedinme）
theimpressionthatIwaswritingsomething。Infact，atthisveryfirstlectureIcametothedecisionwhichImaintainedtotheendofmycourse，namely，thatitwasunnecessary，andevenstupid，totakedowneverywordsaidbyeveryprofessor。
Atsubsequentlectures，however，Ididnotfeelmyisolationsostrongly，sinceImadeseveralacquaintancesandgotintothewayofshakinghandsandenteringintoconversation。Yetforsomereasonoranothernorealintimacyeversprangupbetweenus，andIoftenfoundmyselfdepressedandonlyfeigningcheerfulness。
WiththesetwhichcomprisedIwinand"thearistocrats，"astheyweregenerallyknown，Icouldnotmakeanyheadwayatall，for，asInowremember，Iwasalwaysshyandchurlishtothem，andnoddedtothemonlywhentheynoddedtome；sothattheyhadlittleinducementtodesiremyacquaintance。Withmostoftheotherstudents，however，thisarosefromquiteadifferentcause。
AssoonaseverIdiscernedfriendlinessonthepartofacomrade，IatoncegavehimtounderstandthatIwenttoluncheonwithPrinceIvanIvanovitchandkeptmyowndrozhki。AllthisI
saidmerelytoshowmyselfinthemostfavourablelightinhiseyes，andtoinducehimtolikemeallthemore；yetalmostinvariablytheonlyresultofmycommunicatingtohimtheintelligenceconcerningthedrozhkiandmyrelationshiptoPrinceIvanIvanovitchwasthat，tomyastonishment，heatonceadoptedacoldandhaughtybearingtowardsme。
AmonguswehadaCrownstudentnamedOperoff——averymodest，industrious，andcleveryoungfellow，whoalwaysofferedonehishandlikeaslabofwood（thatistosay，withoutclosinghisfingersormakingtheslightestmovementwiththem）；withtheresultthathiscomradesoftendidthesametohiminjest，andcalleditthe"dealboard"wayofshakinghands。HeandInearlyalwayssatnexttooneanother，anddiscussedmattersgenerally。
Inparticularhepleasedmewiththefreedomwithwhichhewouldcriticisetheprofessorsashepointedouttomewithgreatclearnessandacumenthemeritsordemeritsoftheirrespectivewaysofteachingandmadeoccasionalfunofthem。SuchremarksI
foundexceedinglystrikinganddivertingwhenutteredinhisquiet，mincingvoice。Neverthelessheneverletalecturepasswithouttakingcarefulnotesofitinhisfinehandwriting，andeventuallywedecidedtojoinforces，andtodoourpreparationtogether。ThingshadprogressedtothepointofhisalwayslookingpleasedwhenItookmyusualseatbesidehimwhen，unfortunately，Ionedayfounditnecessarytoinformhimthat，beforeherdeath，mymotherhadbesoughtmyfathernevertoallowustoenterforagovernmentscholarship，aswellasthatI
myselfconsideredCrownstudents，nomatterhowclever，tobe-
"well，theyarenotGENTLEMEN，"Iconcluded，thoughbeginningtoflounderalittleandgrowred。AtthemomentOperoffsaidnothing，butatsubsequentlecturesheceasedtogreetmeortooffermehisboard-likehand，andneverattemptedtotalktome，but，assoonaseverIsatdown，hewouldleanhisheaduponhisarm，andpurporttobeabsorbedinhisnotebooks。Iwassurprisedatthissuddencoolness，butlookeduponitasinfradig，"pourunjeunehommedebonnemaison"tocurryfavourwithamereCrownstudentofanOperoff，andsolefthimseverelyalone——thoughI
confessthathisaloofnesshurtmyfeelings。OnoneoccasionI
arrivedbeforehim，and，sincethelecturewastobedeliveredbyapopularprofessorwhomstudentscametohearwhodidnotusuallyattendsuchfunctions，Ifoundalmosteveryseatoccupied。AccordinglyIsecuredOperoff’splaceformyselfbyspreadingmynotebooksonthedeskbeforeit；afterwhichIlefttheroomagainforamoment。WhenIreturnedIperceivedthatmyparaphernaliahadbeenrelegatedtothebenchbehind，andtheplacetakenbyOperoffhimself。IremarkedtohimthatIhadalreadysecureditbyplacingmynotebooksthere。
"Iknownothingaboutthat，"herepliedsharply，yetwithoutlookingupatme。
"ItellyouIplacedmynotebooksthere，"Irepeated，purposelytryingtobluster，inthehopeofintimidatinghim。"Everyonesawmedoit，"Iadded，includingthestudentsnearmeinmyglance。Severalofthemlookedatmewithcuriosity，yetnoneofthemspoke。
"Seatscannotbebookedhere，"saidOperoff。"Whoeverfirstsitsdowninaplacekeepsit，"and，settlinghimselfangrilywherehewas，heflashedatmeaglanceofdefiance。
"Well，thatonlymeansthatyouareacad，"Isaid。
Ihaveanideathathemurmuredsomethingaboutmybeing"astupidyoungidiot，"butIdecidednottohearit。Whatwouldbetheuse，Iaskedmyself，ofmyhearingit？Thatweshouldbrawllikeacoupleofmanantsoverlessthannothing？（Iwasveryfondofthewordmanants，andoftenuseditformeetingawkwardjunctures。）PerhapsIshouldhavesaidsomethingmorehadnot，atthatmoment，adoorslammedandtheprofessor（dressedinabluefrockcoat，andshufflinghisfeetashewalked）ascendedtherostrum。
Nevertheless，whentheexaminationwasabouttocomeon，andI
hadneedofsomeone’snotebooks，Operoffrememberedhispromisetolendmehis，andwedidourpreparationtogether。
XXXVII
AFFAIRSOFTHEHEART
Affairesducoeurexercisedmegreatlythatwinter。Infact，I
fellinlovethreetimes。Thefirsttime，IbecamepassionatelyenamouredofabuxomladywhomIusedtoseeridingatFreitag’sriding-school；withtheresultthateverydaywhenshewastakingalessonthere（thatistosay，everyTuesdayandFriday）Iusedtogotogazeather，butalwaysinsuchastateoftrepidationlestIshouldbeseenthatIstoodalongwayoff，andbolteddirectlyIthoughtherlikelytoapproachthespotwhereIwasstanding。Likewise，IusedtoturnroundsoprecipitatelywheneversheappearedtobeglancinginmydirectionthatIneversawherfacewell，andtothisdaydonotknowwhethershewasreallybeautifulornot。
Dubkoff，whowasacquaintedwithher，surprisedmeonedayintheriding-school，whereIwaslurkingconcealedbehindthelady’sgroomsandthefurwrapswhichtheywereholding，and，havingheardfromDimitriofmyinfatuation，frightenedmesoterriblybyproposingtointroducemetotheAmazonthatIfledincontinentlyfromtheschool，andwaspreventedbythemerethoughtthatpossiblyhehadtoldheraboutmefromeverenteringtheplaceagain，orevenfromhidingbehindhergrooms，lestI
shouldencounterher。
WheneverIfellinlovewithladieswhomIdidnotknow，andespeciallymarriedwomen，IexperiencedashynessathousandtimesgreaterthanIhadeverfeltwithSonetchka。Idreadedbeyondmeasurethatmydivinityshouldlearnofmypassion，orevenofmyexistence，sinceIfeltsurethat，onceshehaddoneso，shewouldbesoterriblyoffendedthatIshouldneverbeforgivenformypresumption。Andindeed，iftheAmazonreferredtoabovehadevercometoknowhowIusedtostandbehindthegroomsanddreamofseizingherandcarryingherofftosomecountryspot——ifshehadevercometoknowhowIshouldhavelivedwithherthere，andhowIshouldhavetreatedher，itisprobablethatshewouldhavehadverygoodcauseforindignation！ButI
alwaysfeltthat，onceIgottoknowher，shewouldstraightwaydivinethesethoughts，andconsiderherselfinsultedbymyacquaintance。
Asmysecondaffaireducoeur，I，（forthethirdtime）fellinlovewithSonetchkawhenIsawherathersister’s。Mysecondpassionforherhadlongsincecometoanend，butIbecameenamouredofherthisthirdtimethroughLubotshkasendingmeacopy-bookinwhichSonetchkahadcopiedsomeextractsfromLermontoff’sTheDemon，withcertainofthemoresubtlyamorouspassagesunderlinedinredinkandmarkedwithpressedflowers。
RememberinghowWolodahadbeenwonttokisshisinamorata’spurselastyear，Iessayedtodothesamethingnow；andreally，whenaloneinmyroomintheeveningsandengagedindreamingasIlookedatafloweroroccasionallypressedittomylips，I
wouldfeelacertainpleasantlylachrymosemoodstealoverme，andremaingenuinelyinlove（orsupposemyselftobeso）foratleastseveraldays。
Finally，mythirdaffaireducoeurthatwinterwasconnectedwiththeladywithwhomWolodawasinlove，andwhousedoccasionallytovisitatourhouse。Yet，inthisdamsel，asInowremember，therewasnotasinglebeautifulfeaturetobefound——or，atallevents，noneofthosewhichusuallypleasedme。Shewasthedaughterofawell-knownMoscowladyoflightandleading，and，petiteandslender，worelongflaxencurlsaftertheEnglishfashion，andcouldboastofatransparentprofile。Everyonesaidthatshewasevenclevererandmorelearnedthanhermother，butIwasneverinapositiontojudgeofthat，since，overcomewithcravenbashfulnessatthemerethoughtofherintellectandaccomplishments，Ineverspoketoheralonebutonce，andthenwithunaccountabletrepidation。Woloda’senthusiasm，however（forthepresenceofanaudienceneverpreventedhimfromgivingventtohisrapture），communicateditselftomesostronglythatI
alsobecameenamouredofthelady。Yet，consciousthathewouldnotbepleasedtoknowthattwobrotherswereinlovewiththesamegirl，Inevertoldhimofmycondition。Onthecontrary，I
tookspecialdelightinthethoughtthatourmutualloveforherwassopurethat，thoughitsobjectwas，inbothcases，thesamecharmingbeing，weremainedfriendsandready，ifevertheoccasionshouldarise，tosacrificeourselvesforoneanother。
YetIhaveanideathat，asregardsself-sacrifice，hedidnotquitesharemyviews，forhewassopassionatelyinlovewiththeladythatoncehewasforgivingamemberofthediplomaticcorps，whowassaidtobegoingtomarryher，aslapinthefaceandachallengetoaduel；but，formypart，Iwouldgladlyhavesacrificedmyfeelingsforhissake，seeingthatthefactthattheonlyremarkIhadeveraddressedtoherhadbeenonthesubjectofthedignityofclassicalmusic，andthatmypassion，forallmyeffortstokeepitalive，expiredthefollowingweek，wouldhaverendereditthemoreeasyformetodoso。
XXXVIII
THEWORLD
AsregardsthoseworldlydelightstowhichIhadintended，onenteringtheUniversity，tosurrendermyselfinimitationofmybrother，Iunderwentacompletedisillusionmentthatwinter。
Wolodadancedagreatdeal，andPapaalsowenttoballswithhisyoungwife，butIappearedtobethoughteithertooyoungorunfittedforsuchdelights，andnooneinvitedmetothehouseswhereballswerebeinggiven。Yet，inspiteofmyvowoffranknesswithDimitri，Inevertoldhim（noranyoneelse）howmuchIshouldhavelikedtogotothosedances，andhowIfelthurtatbeingforgottenand（apparently）takenforthephilosopherthatIpretendedtobe。
Nevertheless，areceptionwastobegiventhatwinteratthePrincessKornakoff’s，andtoitshesentuspersonalinvitations——
tomyselfamongtherest！Consequently，Iwastoattendmyfirstball。Beforestarting，WolodacameintomyroomtoseehowIwasdressingmyself——anactonhispartwhichgreatlysurprisedmeandtookmeaback。Inmyopinion（itmustbeunderstood）solicitudeaboutone’sdresswasashamefulthing，andshouldbekeptunder，butheseemedtothinkitathingsonaturalandnecessarythathesaidoutrightthathewasafraidIshouldbeputoutofcountenanceonthatscore。Accordingly，hebidmedonmypatentleatherboots，andwashorrifiedtofindthatIwantedtoputonglovesofpeaudechamois。Next，headjustedmywatch-chaininaparticularmanner，andcarriedmeofftoahairdresser’sneartheKuznetskiBridgetohavemylockscoiffured。Thatdone，hewithdrewtoalittledistanceandsurveyedme。
"Yes，helooksrightenoughnow"saidhetothehairdresser。
"Only——couldn’tyousmooththosetuftsofhisinfrontalittle？"
Yet，forallthatMonsieurCharlestreatedmyforelockswithoneessenceandanother，theypersistedinrisingupagainwheneverIputonmyhat。Infact，mycurledandtonsuredfigureseemedtometolookfarworsethanithaddonebefore。Myonlyhopeofsalvationlayinanaffectationofuntidiness。Onlyinthatguisewouldmyexteriorresembleanythingatall。Woloda，apparently，wasofthesameopinion，forhebeggedmetoundothecurls，andwhenIhaddonesoandstilllookedunpresentable，heceasedtoregardmeatall，butthroughoutthedrivetotheKornakoffsremainedsilentanddepressed。
Nevertheless，IenteredtheKornakoffs’mansionboldlyenough，anditwasonlywhenthePrincesshadinvitedmetodance，andI，forsomereasonoranother（thoughIhaddriventherewithnootherthoughtinmyheadthantodancewell），hadrepliedthatIneverindulgedinthatpastime，thatIbegantoblush，and，leftsolitaryamongacrowdofstrangers，becameplungedinmyusualinsuperableandever-growingshyness。Infact，Iremainedsilentonthatspotalmostthewholeevening！
Nevertheless，whileawaltzwasinprogress，oneoftheyoungprincessescametomeandaskedme，withthesortofofficialkindnesscommontoallherfamily，whyIwasnotdancing。Icanrememberblushinghotlyatthequestion，butatthesametimefeeling——forallmyeffortstopreventit——aself-satisfiedsmilestealovermyfaceasIbegantalking，inthemostinflatedandlong-windedFrench，suchrubbishasevennow，afterdozensofyears，itshamesmetorecall。Itmusthavebeentheeffectofthemusic，which，whileexcitingmynervoussensibility，drowned（asIsupposed）thelessintelligibleportionofmyutterances。
Anyhow，Iwentonspeakingoftheexaltedcompanypresent，andofthefutilityofmenandwomen，untilIhadgotmyselfintosuchatanglethatIwasforcedtostopshortinthemiddleofawordofasentencewhichIfoundmyselfpowerlesstoconclude。
Eventheworldly-mindedyoungPrincesswasshockedbymyconduct，andgazedatmeinreproach；whereatIburstoutlaughing。Atthiscriticalmoment，Woloda，whohadremarkedthatIwasconversingwithgreatanimation，andprobablywascurioustoknowwhatexcusesIwasmakingfornotdancing，approacheduswithDubkoff。Seeing，however，mysmilingfaceandthePrincess’sfrightenedmien，aswellasoverhearingtheappallingrubbishwithwhichIconcludedmyspeech，heturnedredintheface，andwheeledroundagain。ThePrincessalsoroseandleftme。I
continuedtosmile，butinsuchastateofagonyfromtheconsciousnessofmystupiditythatIfeltreadytosinkintothefloor。LikewiseIfeltthat，comewhatmight，Imustmoveaboutandsaysomething，inordertoeffectachangeinmyposition。
AccordinglyIapproachedDubkoff，andaskedhimifhehaddancedmanywaltzeswithherthatnight。ThisIfeignedtosayinagayandjestingmanner，yetinrealityIwasimploringhelpoftheveryDubkofftowhomIhadcried"Holdyourtongue！"onthenightofthematriculationdinner。Bywayofanswer，hemadeasthoughhehadnotheardme，andturnedaway。Next，IapproachedWoloda，andsaidwithaneffortandinasimilartoneofassumedgaiety："Hullo，Woloda！Areyouplayedoutyet？"Hemerelylookedatmeasmuchastosay，"Youwouldn’tspeaktomelikethatifwewerealone，"andleftmewithoutaword，intheevidentfearthatImightcontinuetoattachmyselftohisperson。
"MyGod！Evenmyownbrotherdesertsme！"Ithoughttomyself。
YetsomehowIhadnotthecouragetodepart，butremainedstandingwhereIwasuntiltheveryendoftheevening。Atlength，wheneveryonewasleavingtheroomandcrowdingintothehall，andafootmanslippedmygreatcoatontomyshouldersinsuchawayastotiltupmycap，Igaveadreary，half-lachrymosesmile，andremarkedtonooneinparticular："Commec’estgracieux！"
XXXIX
THESTUDENTS’FEAST
NOTWITHSTANDINGthat，asyet，Dimitri’sinfluencehadkeptmefromindulginginthosecustomarystudents’festivitiesknownaskutezhior"wines，"thatwintersawmeparticipateinsuchafunction，andcarryawaywithmeanotover-pleasantimpressionofit。Thisishowitcameabout。
AtalecturesoonaftertheNewYear，BaronZ。——atall，light-
hairedyoungfellowofveryseriousdemeanourandregularfeatures——invitedusalltospendasociableeveningwithhim。By"usall"，Imeanallthemenmoreorless"commeilfaut"，ofourcourse，andexclusiveofGrap，Semenoff，Operoff，andcommonersofthatsort。WolodasmiledcontemptuouslywhenheheardthatI
wasgoingtoa"wine"offirstcoursemen，butIlookedtoderivegreatandunusualpleasurefromthis，tome，novelmethodofpassingthetime。Accordingly，punctuallyattheappointedhourofeightIpresentedmyselfattheBaron’s。
Ourhost，inanopentunicandwhitewaistcoat，receivedhisguestsinthebrilliantlylightedsalonanddrawing-roomofthesmallmansionwherehisparentslived——theyhavinggivenuptheirreceptionroomstohimfortheeveningforpurposesofthisparty。Inthecorridorcouldbeseentheheadsandskirtsofinquisitivedomestics，whileinthedining-roomIcaughtaglimpseofadresswhichIimaginedtobelongtotheBaronessherself。Theguestsnumberedascore，andwereallofthemstudentsexceptHerrFrost（inattendanceuponIwin）andatall，red-facedgentlemanwhowassuperintendingthefeastandwhowasintroducedtoeveryoneasarelativeoftheBaron’sandaformerstudentoftheUniversityofDorpat。Atfirst，theexcessivebrilliancyandformalappointmentsofthereception-roomshadsuchachillingeffectuponthisyouthfulcompanythateveryoneinvoluntarilyhuggedthewalls，exceptafewbolderspiritsandtheex-Dorpatstudent，who，withhiswaistcoatalreadyunbuttoned，seemedtobeineveryroom，andineverycornerofeveryroom，atonce，andfilledthewholeplacewithhisresonant，agreeable，never-ceasingtenorvoice。Theremainderoftheguestspreferredeithertoremainsilentortotalkindiscreettonesofprofessors，faculties，examinations，andotherseriousandinterestingmatters。Yeteveryone，withoutexception，keptwatchingthedoorofthedining-room，and，whiletryingtoconcealthefact，wearinganexpressionwhichsaid：
"Come！Itistimetobegin。"Itoofeltthatitwastimetobegin，andawaitedthebeginningwithpleasurableimpatience。
Afterfootmenhadhandedroundteaamongtheguests，theDorpatstudentaskedFrostinRussian：
"Canyoumakepunch，Frost？"
"Ohja！"repliedFrostwithajoyfulflourishofhisheels，andtheotherwenton：
"Thendoyousetaboutit"（theyaddressedeachotherinthesecondpersonsingular，asformercomradesatDorpat）。Frostaccordinglydepartedtothedining-room，withgreatstridesofhisbowed，muscularlegs，and，aftersomewalkingbackwardsandforwards，depositeduponthedrawing-roomtablealargepunchbowl，accompaniedbyaten-poundsugarloafsupportedonthreestudents’swordsplacedcrosswise。Meanwhile，theBaronhadbeengoingroundamonghisguestsastheysatregardingthepunch-bowl，andaddressingthem，withafaceofimmutablegravity，intheformula："Ibegofyoualltodrinkofthisloving-cupinstudentfashion，thattheremaybegood-fellowshipamongthemembersofourcourse。Unbuttonyourwaistcoats，ortakethemoffaltogether，asyouplease。"AlreadytheDorpatstudenthaddivestedhimselfofhistunicandrolleduphiswhiteshirt-sleevesabovehiselbows，andnow，plantinghisfeetfirmlyapart，heproceededtosetfiretotheruminthepunch-bowl。
"Gentlemen，putoutthecandles！"hecriedwithasuddenshoutsoloudandinsistentthatweseemedallofustobeshoutingatonce。However，westillwentonsilentlyregardingthepunch-bowlandthewhiteshirtoftheDorpatstudent，withafeelingthatamomentofgreatsolemnitywasapproaching。
"Putoutthelights，Frost，Itellyou！"theDorpatstudentshoutedagain。Evidentlythepunchwasnowsufficientlyburnt。
Accordinglyeveryonehelpedtoextinguishthecandles，untiltheroomwasintotaldarknesssaveforaspotwherethewhiteshirtsandhandsofthethreestudentssupportingthesugarloafontheircrossedswordswerelitupbytheluridflamesfromthebowl。YettheDorpatstudent’stenorvoicewasnottheonlyonetobeheard，forindifferentquartersoftheroomresoundedchatteringandlaughter。Manyhadtakenofftheirtunics（especiallystudentswhosegarmentswereoffineclothandperfectlynew），andInowdidthesame，withaconsciousnessthat"IT"was"beginning。"Therehadbeennogreatfestivityasyet，butIfeltassuredthatthingswouldgosplendidlywhenoncewehadbegundrinkingtumblersofthepotionthatwasnowincourseofpreparation。
Atlength，thepunchwasready，andtheDorpatstudent，withmuchbespatteringofthetableashedidso，ladledtheliquorintotumblers，andcried："Now，gentlemen，please！"Whenwehadeachofustakenastickytumblerofthestuffintoourhands，theDorpatstudentandFrostsangaGermansonginwhichtheword"Hoch！"keptoccurringagainandagain，whilewejoined，inhaphazardfashion，inthechorus。Nextweclinkedglassestogether，shoutedsomethinginpraiseofpunch，crossedhands，andtookourfirstdrinkofthesweet，strongmixture。Afterthattherewasnofurtherwaiting；the"wine"wasinfullswing。Thefirstglassfulconsumed，asecondwaspouredout。Yet，forallthatIbegantofeelathrobbinginmytemples，andthattheflamesseemedtobeturningpurple，andthateveryonearoundmewaslaughingandshouting，thingsseemedlackinginrealgaiety，andIsomehowfeltthat，asamatteroffact，wewereallofusfindingtheaffairratherdull，andonlyPRETENDINGtobeenjoyingit。TheDorpatstudentmayhavebeenanexception，forhecontinuedtogrowmoreandmoreredinthefaceandmoreandmoreubiquitousashefilledupemptyglassesandstainedthetablewithfreshspotsofthesweet，stickystuff。TheprecisesequenceofeventsIcannotremember，butIcanrecallfeelingstronglyattractedtowardsFrostandtheDorpatstudentthatevening，learningtheirGermansongbyheart，andkissingthemeachontheirsticky-sweetlips；alsothatthatsameeveningI
conceivedaviolenthatredagainsttheDorpatstudent，andwasforpushinghimfromhischair，butthoughtbetterofit；alsothat，besidesfeelingthesamespiritofindependencetowardstherestofthecompanyasIhadfeltonthenightofthematriculationdinner，myheadachedandswamsobadlythatI
thoughteachmomentwouldbemylast；alsothat，forsomereasonoranother，weallofussatdownonthefloorandimitatedthemovementsofrowersinaboataswesanginchorus，"DownourmotherstreamtheVolga；"alsothatIconceivedthisprocedureonourparttobeuncalledfor；alsothat，asIlayproneuponthefloor，Icrossedmylegsandbeganwrigglingaboutlikeatsigane；[Gipsydancer。]alsothatIrickedsomeone’sneck，andcametothe，conclusionthatIshouldneverhavedonesuchathingifIhadnotbeendrunk；alsothatwehadsomesupperandanotherkindofliquor，andthatIthenwenttothedoortogetsomefreshair；alsothatmyheadseemedsuddenlytogrowchill，andthatInoticed，asIdroveaway，thatthescatofthevehiclewassosharplyaslantandslipperythatformetoretainmypositionbehindKuzmawasimpossible；alsothatheseemedtohaveturnedallflabby，andtobewavingaboutlikeadishclout。ButwhatIrememberbestisthatthroughoutthewholeofthateveningIneverceasedtofeelthatIwasactingwithexcessivestupidityinpretendingtobeenjoyingmyself，tolikedrinkingagreatdeal，andtobeinnowaydrunk，aswellasthateveryoneelsepresentwasactingwithequalstupidityinpretendingthosesamethings。AllthetimeIhadafeelingthateachoneofmycompanionswasfindingthefestivitiesasdistastefulasIwasmyself；but，inthebeliefthathewastheonlyonedoingso，felthimselfboundtopretendthathewasverymerry，inordernottomarthegeneralhilarity。Also，strangetostate，IfeltthatIoughttokeepupthispretenceforthesolereasonthatintoapunch-bowltherehadbeenpouredthreebottlesofchampagneatnineroublesthebottleandtenbottlesofrumatfour——makingseventyroublesinall，exclusiveofthesupper。SoconvincedofmyfollydidIfeelthat，when，atnextday’slecture，thoseofmycomradeswhohadbeenatBaronZ。’spartyseemednotonlyinnowayashamedtorememberwhattheyhaddone，buteventalkedaboutitsothatotherstudentsmighthearoftheirdoings，Ifeltgreatlyastonished。Theyalldeclaredthatithadbeenasplendid"wine，"thatDorpatstudentswerejustthefellowsforthatkindofthing，andthattherehadbeenconsumedatitnolessthanfortybottlesofrumamongtwentyguests，someofwhomhaddroppedsenselessunderthetable！Thattheyshouldcaretotalkaboutsuchthingsseemedstrangeenough，butthattheyshouldcaretolieaboutthemseemedabsolutelyunintelligible。
XL
MYFRIENDSHIPWITHTHENECHLUDOFFS
Thatwinter，too，IsawagreatdealbothofDimitriwhooftenlookedusup，andofhisfamily，withwhomIwasbeginningtostandonintimateterms。
TheNechludoffs（thatistosay，mother，aunt，anddaughter）
alwaysspenttheireveningsathome，atwhichtimethePrincesslikedyoungmentovisither——atalleventsyoungmenofthekindwhomshedescribedasabletospendaneveningwithoutplayingcardsordancing。Yetsuchyoungfellowsmusthavebeenfewandfarbetween，for，althoughIwenttotheNechludoffsalmosteveryevening，Iseldomfoundotherguestspresent。Thus，Icametoknowthemembersofthisfamilyandtheirseveraldispositionswellenoughtobeabletoformclearideasastotheirmutualrelations，andtobequiteathomeamidtheroomsandfurnitureoftheirhouse。Indeed，solongasnootherguestswerepresent，Ifeltentirelyatmyease。True，atfirstIusedtofeelalittleuncomfortablewhenleftaloneintheroomwithVarenika，forIcouldnotridmyselfoftheideathat，thoughfarfrompretty，shewishedmetofallinlovewithher；butintimethisnervousnessofminebegantolessen，sinceshealwayslookedsonatural，andtalkedtomesoexactlyasthoughshewereconversingwithherbrotherorLubovSergievna，thatIcametolookuponhersimplyasapersontowhomitwasinnowaydangerousorwrongtoshowthatItookpleasureinhercompany。
Throughoutthewholeofouracquaintancesheappearedtomemerelyaplain，thoughnotpositivelyugly，girl，concerningwhomonewouldneveraskoneselfthequestion，"AmI，oramInot，inlovewithher？"SometimesIwouldtalktoherdirect，butmoreoftenIdidsothroughDimitriorLubovSergievna；anditwasthelattermethodwhichaffordedmethemostpleasure。Iderivedconsiderablegratificationfromdiscoursingwhenshewasthere，fromhearinghersing，and，ingeneral，fromknowingthatshewasinthesameroomasmyself；
butitwasseldomnowthatanythoughtsofwhatourfuturerelationsmighteverbe，orthatanydreamsofself-sacrificeformyfriendifheshouldeverfallinlovewithmysister，cameintomyhead。Ifanysuchideasorfanciesoccurredtome，Ifeltsatisfiedwiththepresent，anddroveawayallthoughtsaboutthefuture。
Yet，inspiteofthisintimacy，IcontinuedtolookuponitasmyboundendutytokeeptheNechludoffsingeneral，andVarenikainparticular，inignoranceofmytruefeelingsandtastes，andstrovealwaystoappearaltogetheranotheryoungmanthanwhatI
reallywas——toappear，indeed，suchayoungmanascouldneverpossiblyhaveexisted。Iaffectedtobe"soulful"andwouldgooffintorapturesandexclamationsandimpassionedgestureswheneverIwishedittobethoughtthatanythingpleasedme，while，ontheotherhand，ItriedalwaystoseemindifferenttowardsanyunusualcircumstancewhichImyselfperceivedorwhichIhadhadpointedouttome。Iaimedalwaysatfiguringbothasasarcasticcynicdivorcedfromeverysacredtieandasashrewdobserver，aswellasatbeingaccountedlogicalinallmyconduct，preciseandmethodicalinallmywaysoflife，andatthesametimecontemptuousofallmateriality。ImaysafelysaythatIwasfarbetterinrealitythanthestrangebeingintowhomIattemptedtoconvertmyself；yet，whateverIwasorwasnot，theNechludoffswereunfailinglykindtome，and（happilyformyself）tooknonotice（asitnowappears）ofmyplay-acting。
OnlyLubovSergievna，who，Ibelieve，reallybelievedmetobeagreategoist，atheist，andcynic，hadnoloveforme，butfrequentlydisputedwhatIsaid，flewintotempers，andleftmepetrifiedwithherdisjointed，irrelevantutterances。YetDimitriheldalwaystothesamestrange，somethingmorethanfriendly，relationswithher，andusedtosaynotonlythatshewasmisunderstoodbyeveryone，butthatshedidhimaworldofgood。
This，however，didnotpreventtherestofhisfamilyfromfindingfaultwithhisinfatuation。
Once，whentalkingtomeaboutthisincomprehensibleattachment，Varenikaexplainedthematterthus："Yousee，Dimitriisaselfishperson。Heisveryproud，and，forallhisintellect，veryfondofpraise，andofsurprisingpeople，andofalwaysbeingFIRST，whilelittleAuntie"（thegeneralnicknameforLubovSergievna）"isinnocentenoughtoadmirehim，andatthesametimedevoidofthetacttoconcealheradmiration。Consequentlysheflattershisvanity——notoutofpretence，butsincerely。"
ThisdictumIlaidtoheart，and，whenthinkingitoverafterwards，couldnotbutcometotheconclusionthatVarenikawasverysensible；whereforeIwasgladtoawardherpromotionthenceforthinmyregard。Yet，thoughIwasalwaysgladenoughtoassignheranycreditwhichmightarisefrommydiscoveringinhercharacteranysignsofgoodsenseorothermoralqualities，I
didsowithstrictmoderation，andneverrantoanyextremepitchofenthusiasmintheprocess。Thus，whenSophiaIvanovna（whowasneverwearyofdiscussingherniece）relatedtomehow，fouryearsago，Varenikahadsuddenlygivenawayallherclothestosomepeasantchildrenwithoutfirstaskingpermissiontodoso，sothatthegarmentshadsubsequentlytoberecovered，IdidnotatonceacceptthefactasentitlingVarenikatoelevationinmyopinion，butwentongivinghergoodadviceabouttheunpracticalnessofsuchviewsonproperty。
WhenotherguestswerepresentattheNechludoffs（amongthem，sometimes，WolodaandDubkoff）Iusedtowithdrawmyselftoaremoteplane，and，withthecomplacencyandquietconsciousnessofstrengthofanhabitueofthehouse，listentowhatothersweresayingwithoutputtinginaremarkmyself。YeteverythingthattheseotherssaidseemedtomesoimmeasurablystupidthatI
usedtofeelinwardlyamazedthatsuchaclever，logicalwomanasthePrincess，withherequallylogicalfamily，couldlistentoandanswersuchrubbish。Hadit，however，enteredintomyheadtocomparewhat，otherssaidwithwhatImyselfsaidwhentherealone，Ishouldprobablyhaveceasedtofeelsurprise。StilllessshouldIhavecontinuedtofeelsurprisehadInotbelievedthatthewomenofourownhousehold——Avdotia，Lubotshka，andKatenka——
weresuperiortotherestoftheirsex，forinthatcaseIshouldhaverememberedthekindofthingsoverwhichAvdotiaandKatenkawouldlaughandjestwithDubkofffromoneendofaneveningtotheother。IshouldhaverememberedthatseldomdidaneveningpassbutDubkoffwouldfirsthave，anargumentaboutsomething，andthenreadinasententiousvoiceeithersomeversesbeginning"Aubanquetdelavie，infortuneconvive"orextractsfromTheDemon。Inshort，Ishouldhaverememberedwhatnonsensetheyusedtochatterforhoursatatime。
Itneedhardlybesaidthat，whenguestswerepresent，Varenikapaidlessattentiontomethanwhenwewerealone，aswellasthatIwasdeprivedofthereadingandmusicwhichIsogreatlylovedtohear。Whentalkingtoguests，shelost，inmyeyes，herprincipalcharm——thatofquietseriousnessandsimplicity。I
rememberhowstrangeitusedtoseemtometohearherdiscoursingontheatresandtheweathertomybrotherWoloda！I
knewthatofallthingsintheworldhemostdespisedandshunnedbanality，andthatVarenikaherselfusedtomakefunofforcedconversationsontheweatherandsimilarmatters。Why，then，whenmeetinginsociety，didtheybothofthemtalksuchintolerablenothings，and，asitwere，shameoneanother？AftertalksofthiskindIusedtofeelsilentlyresentfulagainstWoloda，aswellasnextdaytorallyVarenikaonherovernightguests。YetoneresultofitwasthatIderivedallthegreaterpleasurefrombeingoneoftheNechludoffs’familycircle。Also，forsomereasonoranotherIbegantoprefermeetingDimitriinhismother’sdrawing-roomtobeingwithhimalone。
XLI
MYFRIENDSHIPWITHTHENECHLUDOFFS
Atthisperiod，indeed，myfriendshipwithDimitrihungbyahair。Ihadbeencriticisinghimtoolongnottohavediscoveredfaultsinhischaracter，foritisonlyinfirstyouththatwelovepassionatelyandthereforeloveonlyperfectpeople。Assoonasthemistsengenderedbyloveofthiskindbegintodissolve，andtobepenetratedbytheclearbeamsofreason，weseetheobjectofouradorationinhistrueshape，andwithallhisvirtuesandfailingsexposed。Someofthosefailingsstrikeuswiththeexaggeratedforceoftheunexpected，andcombinewiththeinstinctfornoveltyandthehopethatperfectionmayyetbefoundinafellow-mantoinduceusnotonlytofeelcoldness，butevenaversion，towardsthelateobjectofouradoration。
Consequently，desiringitnolonger，weusuallycastitfromus，andpassonwardstoseekfreshperfection。ForthecircumstancethatthatwasnotwhatoccurredwithrespecttomyownrelationtoDimitri，Iwasindebtedtohisstubborn，punctilious，andmorecriticalthanimpulsiveattachmenttomyself——atiewhichIfeltashamedtobreak。Moreover，ourstrangevowoffranknessboundustogether。Wewereafraidthat，ifweparted，weshouldleaveinoneanother’spoweralltheincriminatorymoralsecretsofwhichwehadmademutualconfession。Atthesametime，ourruleoffranknesshadlongceasedtobefaithfullyobserved，but，onthecontrary，provedafrequentcauseofconstraint，andbroughtaboutstrangerelationsbetweenus。
AlmosteverytimethatwinterthatIwentupstairstoDimitri’sroom，IusedtofindthereaUniversityfriendofhisnamedBezobiedoff，withwhomheappearedtobeverymuchtakenup。
Bezobiedoffwasasmall，slightfellow，withafacepittedoverwithsmallpox，freckled，effeminatehands，andahugeflaxenmoustachemuchinneedofthecomb。Hewasinvariablydirty，shabby，uncouth，anduninteresting。Tome，Dimitri’srelationswithhimwereasunintelligibleashisrelationswithLubovSergievna，andtheonlyreasonhecouldhavehadforchoosingsuchamanforhisassociatewasthatinthewholeUniversitytherewasnoworse-lookingstudentthanBezobiedoff。YetthatalonewouldhavebeensufficienttomakeDimitriextendhimhisfriendship，and，asamatteroffact，inallhisintercoursewiththisfellowheseemedtobesayingproudly："Icarenothingwhoamanmaybe。Inmyeyeseveryoneisequal。Ilikehim，andthereforeheisadesirableacquaintance。"NeverthelessIcouldnotimaginehowhecouldbringhimselftodoit，norhowthewretchedBezobiedoffevercontrivedtomaintainhisawkwardposition。Tomethefriendshipseemedamostdistastefulone。