第8章

Onenight，IwentuptoDimitri’sroomtotryandgethimtocomedownforanevening’stalkinhismother’sdrawing-room，wherewecouldalsolistentoVarenika’sreadingandsinging，butBezobiedoffhadforestalledmethere，andDimitriansweredmecurtlythathecouldnotcomedown，since，asIcouldseeformyself，hehadavisitorwithhim。

"Besides，"headded，"whatisthefunofsittingthere？WehadmuchbetterstayHEREandtalk。"

IscarcelyrelishedtheprospectofspendingacoupleofhoursinBezobiedoff’scompany，yetcouldnotmakeupmymindtogodownalone；wherefore，cursingmyfriend’svagaries，Iseatedmyselfinarocking-chair，andbeganrockingmyselfsilentlytoandfro。

Ifeltvexedwiththembothfordeprivingmeofthepleasuresofthedrawing-room，andmyonlyhopeasIlistenedirritablytotheirconversationwasthatBezobiedoffwouldsoontakehisdeparture。"Aniceguestindeedtobesittingwith！"IthoughttomyselfwhenafootmanbroughtinteaandDimitrihadfivetimestobegBezobiedofftohaveacup，forthereasonthatthebashfulguestthoughtitincumbentuponhimalwaystorefuseitatfirstandtosay，"No，helpyourself。"IcouldseethatDimitrihadtoputsomerestraintuponhimselfasheresumedtheconversation。

Hetriedtoinveiglemealsointoit，butIremainedglumandsilent。

"IdonotmeantoletmyfacegiveanyonethesuspicionthatI

ambored"wasmymentalremarktoDimitriasIsatquietlyrockingmyselftoandfrowithmeasuredbeat。Yet，asthemomentspassed，Ifoundmyself——notwithoutacertainsatisfaction——

growingmoreandmoreinwardlyhostiletomyfriend。"Whatafoolheis！"Ireflected。"Hemightbespendingtheeveningagreeablywithhischarmingfamily，yethegoesonsittingwiththisbrute！——willgoondoingso，too，untilitistoolatetogodowntothedrawing-room！"HereIglancedathimoverthebackofmychair，andthoughtthegenerallookofhisattitudeandappearancesooffensiveandrepellantthatatthemomentIcouldgladlyhaveofferedhimsomeinsult，evenamostseriousone。

AtlastBezobiedoffrose，butDimitricouldnoteasilyletsuchadelightfulfrienddepart，andaskedhimtostaythenight。

Fortunately，Bezobiedoffdeclinedtheinvitation，anddeparted。

Havingseenhimoff，Dimitrireturned，and，smilingafaintlycomplacentsmileashedidso，andrubbinghishandstogether（inallprobabilitypartlybecausehehadsustainedhischaracterforeccentricity，andpartlybecausehehadgotridofabore），startedtopacetheroom，withanoccasionalglanceatmyself。I

feltmoreoffendedwithhimthanever。"Howcanhegoonwalkingabouttheroomandgrinninglikethat？"wasmyinwardreflection。

"Whatareyousoangryabout？"heaskedmesuddenlyashehaltedinfrontofmychair。

"Iamnotintheleastangry，"Ireplied（aspeoplealwaysdoanswerundersuchcircumstances）。"Iammerelyvexedthatyoushouldplay-acttome，andtoBezobiedoff，andtoyourself。"

"Whatrubbish！"heretorted。"Ineverplay-acttoanyone。"

"Ihaveinmindourruleoffrankness，"Ireplied，"whenItellyouthatIamcertainyoucannotbearthisBezobiedoffanymorethanIcan。Heisanabsolutecad，yetforsomeinexplicablereasonoranotheritpleasesyoutomasqueradebeforehim。"

"Notatall！Tobeginwith，heisasplendidfellow，and——"

"ButItellyouitISso。IalsotellyouthatyourfriendshipforLubovSergievnaisfoundedonthesamebasis，namely，thatshethinksyouagod。"

"AndItellyouoncemorethatitisnotso。"

"Oh，Iknowitformyself，"Iretortedwiththeheatofsuppressedanger，anddesigningtodisarmhimwithmyfrankness。

"Ihavetoldyoubefore，andIrepeatitnow，thatyoualwaysseemtolikepeoplewhosaypleasantthingstoyou，butthat，assoonaseverIcometoexamineyourfriendship，Iinvariablyfindthatthereexistsnorealattachmentbetweenyou。"

"Oh，butyouarewrong，"saidDimitriwithanangrystraighteningoftheneckinhiscollar。"WhenIlikepeople，neithertheirpraisenortheirblamecanmakeanydifferencetomyopinionofthem。"

"Well，dreadfulthoughitmayseemtoyou，IconfessthatI

myselfoftenusedtohatemyfatherwhenheabusedme，andtowishthathewasdead。Inthesameway，you——"

"Speakforyourself。Iamverysorrythatyoucouldeverhavebeenso——"

"No，no！"IcriedasIleaptfrommychairandfacedhimwiththecourageofexasperation。"ItisforYOURSELFthatyououghttofeelsorry——sorrybecauseyounevertoldmeawordaboutthisfellow。Youknowthatwasnothonourableofyou。Nevertheless，I

willtellYOUwhatIthinkofyou，"and，burningtowoundhimevenmorethanhehadwoundedme，Isetouttoprovetohimthathewasincapableoffeelinganyrealaffectionforanybody，andthatIhadthebestofgrounds（asinverytruthIbelievedI

had）forreproachinghim。Itookgreatpleasureintellinghimallthis，butatthesametimeforgotthattheonlyconceivablepurposeofmydoingso——toforcehimtoconfesstothefaultsofwhichIhadaccusedhim——couldnotpossiblybeattainedatthepresentmoment，whenhewasinarage。Hadhe，ontheotherhand，beeninaconditiontoarguecalmly，IshouldprobablyneverhavesaidwhatIdid。

ThedisputewasverginguponanopenquarrelwhenDimitrisuddenlybecamesilent，andlefttheroom。Ipursuedhim，andcontinuedwhatIwassaying，buthedidnotanswer。Iknewthathisfailingsincludedahastytemper，andthathewasnowfightingitdown；whereforeIcursedhisgoodresolutionsthemoreinmyheart。

This，then，waswhatourruleoffranknesshadbroughtusto——therulethatweshould"telloneanothereverythinginourminds，andneverdiscussoneanotherwithathirdperson！"Manyatimewehadexaggeratedfranknesstothepitchofmakingmutualconfessionofthemostshamelessthoughts，andofshamingourselvesbyvoicingtooneanotherproposalsorschemesforattainingourdesires；yetthoseconfessionshadnotonlyfailedtodrawcloserthetiewhichunitedus，buthaddissipatedsympathyandthrustusfurtherapart，untilnowpridewouldnotallowhimtoexposehisfeelingseveninthesmallestdetail，andweemployedinourquarreltheveryweaponswhichwehadformerlysurrenderedtooneanother——theweaponswhichcouldstriketheshrewdestblows！

XLII

OURSTEPMOTHER

NotwithstandingthatPapahadnotmeanttoreturntoMoscowbeforetheNewYear，hearrivedinOctober，whentherewasstillgoodridingtohoundstobehadinthecountry。HeallegedashisreasonforchanginghismindthathissuitwasshortlytocomeonbeforetheSenate，butMimiaverredthatAvdotiahadfoundherselfsoennuyeeinthecountry，andhadsooftentalkedaboutMoscowandpretendedtobeunwell，thatPapahaddecidedtoaccedetoherwishes。"Yousee，sheneverreallylovedhim——sheandherloveonlykeptbuzzingabouthisearsbecauseshewantedtomarryarichman，"addedMimiwithapensivesighwhichsaid：

"Tothinkwhatacertainotherpersoncouldhavedoneforhimifonlyhehadvaluedher！"

Yetthat"certainotherperson"wasunjusttoAvdotia，seeingthatthelatter’saffectionforPapa——thepassionate，devotedloveofself-abandonment——revealeditselfinhereverylookandwordandmovement。Atthesametime，thatloveinnowayhinderedher，notonlyfrombeingaversetopartingwithheradoredhusband，butalsofromdesiringtovisitMadameAnnette’sandordertherealovelycap，ahattrimmedwithamagnificentblueostrichfeather，andablueVenetianvelvetbodicewhichwastoexposetothepublicgazethesnowy，wellshapedbreastandarmswhichnoonehadyetgazeduponexceptherhusbandandmaids。OfcourseKatenkasidedwithhermotherand，ingeneral，therebecameestablishedbetweenAvdotiaandourselves，fromthedayofherarrival，themostextraordinaryandburlesqueorderofrelations。Assoonasshesteppedfromthecarriage，Wolodaassumedanairofgreatseriousnessandceremony，and，advancingtowardsherwithmuchbowingandscraping，saidinthetoneofonewhoispresentingsomethingforacceptance：

"IhavethehonourtogreetthearrivalofourdearMamma，andtokissherhand。"

"Ah，mydearson！"sherepliedwithherbeautiful，unvaryingsmile。

"Anddonotforgettheyoungerson，"IsaidasIalsoapproachedherhand，withaninvoluntaryimitationofWoloda’svoiceandexpression。

Hadourstepmotherandourselvesbeencertainofanymutualaffection，thatexpressionmighthavesignifiedcontemptforanyoutwardmanifestationofourlove。Hadwebeenill-disposedtowardsoneanother，itmighthavedenotedirony，orcontemptforpretence，oradesiretoconcealfromPapa（standingbythewhile）ourrealrelations，aswellasmanyotherthoughtsandsentiments。But，asamatteroffact，thatexpression（whichwellconsortedwithAvdotia’sownspirit）simplysignifiednothingatall——simplyconcealedtheabsenceofanydefiniterelationsbetweenus。InlaterlifeIoftenhadoccasiontoremark，inthecaseofotherfamilieswhosemembersanticipatedamongthemselvesrelationsnotaltogetherharmonious，thesortofprovisional，burlesquerelationswhichtheyformedfordailyuse；anditwasjustsuchrelationsasthosewhichnowbecameestablishedbetweenourselvesandourstepmother。Wescarcelyeverstrayedbeyondthem，butwerepolitetoher，conversedwithherinFrench，bowedandscrapedbeforeher，andcalledher"chereMaman"——atermtowhichshealwaysrespondedinatoneofsimilarlightnessandwithherbeautiful，unchangingsmile。OnlythelachrymoseLubotshka，withhergoosefeetandartlessprattle，reallylikedourstepmother，ortried，inhernaiveandfrequentlyawkwardway，tobringherandourselvestogether：whereforetheonlypersonintheworldforwhom，besidesPapa，AvdotiahadasparkofaffectionwasLubotshka。Indeed，Avdotiaalwaystreatedherwithakindofgraveadmirationandtimiddeferencewhichgreatlysurprisedme。

FromthefirstAvdotiawasveryfondofcallingherselfourstepmotherandhintingthat，sincechildrenandservantsusuallyadoptanunjustandhostileattitudetowardsawomanthussituated，herownpositionwaslikelytoproveadifficultone。

Yet，thoughsheforesawalltheunpleasantnessofherpredicament，shedidnothingtoescapefromitby（forinstance）

conciliatingthisone，givingpresentstothatotherone，andforbearingtogrumble——thelastaprecautionwhichitwouldhavebeeneasyforhertotake，seeingthatbynatureshewasinnowayexacting，aswellasverygood-tempered。Yet，notonlydidshedononeofthesethings，butherexpectationofdifficultiesledhertoadoptthedefensivebeforeshehadbeenattacked。Thatistosay，supposingthattheentirehouseholdwasdesigningtoshowhereverykindofinsultandannoyance，shewouldseeplotswherenoplotswere，andconsiderthathermostdignifiedcoursewastosufferinsilence——anattitudeofpassivityasregardswinningAFfectionwhichofcourseledtoDISaffection。Moreover，shewassototallylackinginthatfacultyof"apprehension"towhichIhavealreadyreferredasbeinghighlydevelopedinourhousehold，andallhercustomsweresoutterlyopposedtothosewhichhadlongbeenrootedinourestablishment，thatthosetwofactsalonewereboundtogoagainsther。Fromthefirst，hermodeoflifeinourtidy，methodicalhouseholdwasthatofapersononlyjustarrivedthere。Sometimesshewenttobedlate，sometimesearly；sometimessheappearedatluncheon，sometimesshedidnot；sometimesshetooksupper，sometimesshedispensedwithit。Whenwehadnoguestswithusshemoreoftenthannotwalkedaboutthehouseinasemi-nudecondition，andwasnotashamedtoappearbeforeus——evenbeforetheservants——inawhitechemise，withonlyashawlthrownoverherbareshoulders。AtfirstthisBohemianismpleasedme，butbeforeverylongitledtomylosingthelastshredofrespectwhichIfeltforher。Whatstruckmeasevenmorestrangewasthefactthat，accordingaswehadorhadnotguests，shewastwodifferentwomen。Theone（thewomanfiguringinsociety）wasayoungandhealthy，butrathercold，beauty，apersonrichlydressed，neitherstupidnorclever，andunfailinglycheerful。Theotherwoman（theoneinevidencewhennoguestswerepresent）wasconsiderablypastherfirstyouth，languid，depressed，slovenly，andennuyee，thoughaffectionate。Frequently，asIlookedatherwhen，smiling，rosywiththewinterair，andhappyintheconsciousnessofherbeauty，shecameinfromaroundofcallsand，takingoffherhat，wenttolookatherselfinamirror；orwhen，rustlinginherrich，decolleteballdress，andatonceshyandproudbeforetheservants，shewaspassingtohercarriage；orwhen，atoneofoursmallreceptionsathome，shewassittingdressedinahighsilkendressfinishedwithsomesortoffinelaceabouthersoftneck，andflashingherunvarying，butlovely，smilearoundher——asIlookedatheratsuchtimesIcouldnothelpwonderingwhatwouldhavebeensaidbypersonswhohadbeenravishedtobeholdherthusiftheycouldhaveseenherasIoftensawher，namely，when，waitinginthelonelymidnighthoursforherhusbandtoreturnfromhisclub，shewouldwalklikeashadowfromroomtoroom，withherhairdishevelledandherformcladinasortofdressing-jacket。Presently，shewouldsitdowntothepianoand，herbrowsallpuckeredwiththeeffort，playovertheonlywaltzthatsheknew；afterwhichshewouldpickupanovel，readafewpagessomewhereinthemiddleofit，andthrowitaside。Next，repairinginpersontothedining-room，soasnottodisturbtheservants，shewouldgetherselfacucumberandsomecoldveal，andeatitstandingbythewindow-sill——thenoncemoreresumeherweary，aimless，gloomywanderingfromroomtoroom。Butwhat，aboveallotherthings，causedestrangementbetweenuswasthatlackofunderstandingwhichexpresseditselfchieflyinthepeculiarairofindulgentattentionwithwhichshewouldlistenwhenanyonewasspeakingtoherconcerningmattersofwhichshehadnoknowledge。Itwasnotherfaultthatsheacquiredtheunconscioushabitofbendingherheaddownandsmilingslightlywithherlipsonlywhenshefounditnecessarytoconverseontopicswhichdidnotinteresther（whichmeantanytopicexceptherselfandherhusband）；yetthatsmileandthatinclinationofthehead，whenincessantlyrepeated，couldbecomeunbearablywearisome。Also，herpeculiargaiety——whichalwayssoundedasthoughshewerelaughingatherself，atyou，andattheworldingeneral——wasgaucheandanythingbutinfectious，whilehersympathywastooevidentlyforced。Lastly，sheknewnoreticencewithregardtoherceaselessrapturisingtoallandsundryconcerningherloveforPapa。Althoughsheonlyspokethetruthwhenshesaidthatherwholelifewasboundupwithhim，andalthoughsheproveditherlifelong，weconsideredsuchunrestrained，continualinsistenceuponheraffectionforhimbadform，andfeltmoreashamedforherwhenshewasdescantingthusbeforestrangerseventhanwedidwhenshewasperpetratingbadblundersinFrench。Yet，although，asIhavesaid，shelovedherhusbandmorethananythingelseintheworld，andhetoohadagreataffectionforher（oratalleventshehadatfirst，andwhenhesawthatothersbesideshimselfadmiredherbeauty），itseemedalmostasthoughshepurposelydideverythingmostlikelytodispleasehim——simplytoprovetohimthestrengthofherlove，herreadinesstosacrificeherselfforhissake，andthefactthatheroneaiminlifewastowinhisaffection！Shewasfondofdisplay，andmyfathertoolikedtoseeherasabeautywhoexcitedwonderandadmiration；yetshesacrificedherweaknessforfineclothestoherloveforhim，andgrewmoreandmoreaccustomedtoremainathomeinaplaingreyblouse。Again，Papaconsideredfreedomandequalitytobeindispensableconditionsoffamilylife，andhopedthathisfavouriteLubotshkaandhiskind-heartedyoungwifewouldbecomesincerefriends；yetonceagainAvdotiasacrificedherselfbyconsideringitincumbentuponhertopaythe"realmistressofthehouse，"asshecalledLubotshka，anamountofdeferencewhichonlyshockedandannoyedmyfather。Likewise，heplayedcardsagreatdealthatwinter，andlostconsiderablesumstowardstheendofit，wherefore，unwilling，asusual，tolethisgamblingaffairsintrudeuponhisfamilylife，hebegantopreservecompletesecrecyconcerninghisplay；yetAvdotia，thoughoftenailing，aswellas，towardstheendofthewinter，enceinte，consideredherselfboundalwaystositup（inagreyblouse，andwithherhairdishevelled）formyfatherwhen，at，say，fourorfiveo’clockinthemorning，hereturnedhomefromtheclubashamed，depletedinpocket，andweary。Shewouldaskhimabsent-mindedlywhetherhehadbeenfortunateinplay，andlistenwithindulgentattention，littlenodsofherhead，andafaintsmileuponherfaceashetoldherofhisdoingsattheclubandbeggedher，foraboutthehundredthtime，nevertositupforhimagain。Yet，thoughPapa’swinningsorlosings（uponwhichhissubstancepracticallydepended）innowayinterestedher，shewasalwaysthefirsttomeethimwhenhereturnedhomeinthesmallhoursofthemorning。Thisshewasincitedtodo，notonlybythestrengthofherdevotion，butbyacertainsecretjealousyfromwhichshesuffered。NooneintheworldcouldpersuadeherthatitwasREALLYfromhisclub，andnotfromamistress’s，thatPapacamehomesolate。Shewouldtrytoreadlovesecretsinhisface，and，discerningnonethere，wouldsighwithasortofenjoymentofhergrief，andgiveherselfuponcemoretothecontemplationofherunhappiness。

AstheresultoftheseandmanyotherconstantsacrificeswhichoccurredinPapa’srelationswithhiswifeduringthelattermonthsofthatwinter（atimewhenhelostmuch，andwasthereforeoutofspirits），theregraduallygrewupbetweenthetwoanintermittentfeelingoftacithostility——ofrestrainedaversiontotheobjectofdevotionofthekindwhichexpressesitselfinanunconsciouseagernesstoshowtheobjectinquestioneverypossiblespeciesofpettyannoyance。

XLIII

NEWCOMRADES

ThewinterhadpassedimperceptiblyandthethawbegunwhenthelistofexaminationswaspostedattheUniversity，andIsuddenlyrememberedthatIhadtoreturnanswerstoquestionsineighteensubjectsonwhichIhadheardlecturesdelivered，butwithregardtosomeofwhichIhadtakennonotesandmadenopreparationwhatever。Itseemsstrangethatthequestion"HowamIgoingtopass？"shouldneverhaveenteredmyhead，butthetruthisthatallthatwinterIhadbeeninsuchastateofhazethroughthedelightsofbeingbothgrown-upand"commeilfaut"that，wheneverthequestionoftheexaminationshadoccurredtome，I

hadmentallycomparedmyselfwithmycomrades，andthoughttomyself，"Theyarecertaintopass，andasmostofthemarenot’commeilfaut，’andIamthereforetheirpersonalsuperior，I

tooamboundtocomeoutallright。"Infact，theonlyreasonwhyIattendedlecturesatallwasthatImightbecomeanhabitueoftheUniversity，andobtainPapa’sleavetogoinandoutofthehouse。Moreover，Ihadmanyacquaintancesnow，andoftenenjoyedmyselfvastlyattheUniversity。Ilovedtheracket，talking，andlaughterintheauditorium，theopportunitiesforsittingonabackbench，andlettingthemeasuredvoiceoftheprofessorlureoneintodreamsasonecontemplatedone’scomrades，theoccasionalrunningsacrossthewayforasnackandaglassofvodka（sweetenedbythefearfuljoyofknowingthatonemightbehauledbeforetheprofessorforsodoing），thestealthyclosingofthedoorasonereturnedtotheauditorium，andtheparticipationin"courseversuscourse"scufflesinthecorridors。Allthiswasveryenjoyable。

Bythetime，however，thateveryonehadbeguntoputinabetterattendanceatlectures，andtheprofessorofphysicshadcompletedhiscourseandtakenhisleaveofusuntiltheexaminationscameon，andthestudentswerebusycollectingtheirnotebooksandarrangingtodotheirpreparationinparties，itstruckmethatIalsohadbetterpreparefortheordeal。Operoff，withwhomIstillcontinuedonbowing，butotherwisemostfrigid，terms，suddenlyofferednotonlytolendmehisnotebooks，buttoletmedomypreparationwithhimselfandsomeotherstudents。I

thankedhim，andacceptedtheinvitation——hopingbythatconfermentofhonourcompletelytodissipateouroldmisunderstanding；butatthesametimeIrequestedthatthegatheringsshouldalwaysbeheldatmyhome，sincemyquartersweresosplendid！Tothisthestudentsrepliedthattheymeanttotaketurnandturnabout——sometimestomeetatonefellow’splace，sometimesatanother’s，asmightbemostconvenient。

ThefirstofourreunionswasheldatZuchin’s，whohadasmallpartition-roominalargebuildingontheTrubniBoulevard。TheopeningnightIarrivedlate，andenteredwhenthereadingaloudhadalreadybegun。Thelittleapartmentwasthickwithtobacco-

smoke，whileonthetablestoodabottleofvodka，adecanter，somebread，somesalt，andashin-boneofmutton。Withoutrising，Zuchinaskedmetohavesomevodkaandtodoffmytunic。

"Iexpectyouarenotaccustomedtosuchentertainment，"headded。

Everyonewaswearingadirtycottonshirtandadickey。

Endeavouringnottoshowmycontemptforthecompany，Itookoffmytunic，andlaydowninasociablemanneronthesofa。Zuchinwentonreadingaloudandcorrectinghimselfwiththehelpofnotebooks，whiletheothersoccasionallystoppedhimtoaskaquestion，whichhealwaysansweredwithability，correctness，andprecision。Ilistenedforatimewiththerest，but，notunderstandingmuchofit，sinceIhadnotbeenpresentatwhathadbeenreadbefore，sooninterpolatedaquestion。

"Hullo，oldfellow！Itwillbenogoodforyoutolistenifyoudonotknowthesubject，"saidZuchin。"Iwilllendyoumynotebooks，andthenyoucanreaditupbyto-morrow，andIwillexplainittoyou。"

Ifeltratherashamedofmyignorance。Also，Ifeltthetruthofwhathesaid；soIgaveuplistening，andamusedmyselfbyobservingmynewcomrades。Accordingtomyclassificationofhumanity，intopersons"commeilfaut"andpersonsnot"commeilfaut，"theyevidentlybelongedtothelattercategory，andsoarousedinmenotonlyafeelingofcontempt，butalsoacertainsensationofpersonalhostility，forthereasonthat，thoughnot"commeilfaut，"theyaccountedmetheirequal，andactuallypatronisedmeinasortofgood-humouredfashion。Whatinparticularexcitedinmethisfeelingwastheirfeet，theirdirtynailsandfingers，aparticularlylongtalononOperoff’sobtrusivelittlefinger，theirredshirts，theirdickeys，thechaffwhichtheygood-naturedlythrewatoneanother，thedirtyroom，ahabitwhichZuchinhadofcontinuallysnufflingandpressingafingertohisnose，and，aboveall，theirmannerofspeaking——thatistosay，theiruseandintonationofwords。Forinstance，theysaid"flat"forfool，"justtheticket"forexactly，"grandly"forsplendidly，andsoon——allofwhichseemedtomeeitherbookishordisagreeablyvulgar。Stillmorewasmy"commeilfaut"refinementdisturbedbytheaccentswhichtheyputuponcertainRussian——and，stillmore，uponforeign——words。

ThustheysaiddieYATelnostforDIEyatelnost，NARochnofornaROChno，v’KAMinieforv’kaMINie，SHAKespeareforShakesPEARe，andsoforth。

Yet，foralltheirinsuperablyrepellentexterior，Icoulddetectsomethinggoodinthesefellows，andenviedthemthecheerfulgood-fellowshipwhichunitedtheminone。Consequently，Ibegantofeelattractedtowardsthem，andmadeupmymindthat，comewhatmight，Iwouldbecomeoftheirnumber。ThekindandhonourableOperoffIknewalready，andnowthebrusque，butexceptionallyclever，Zuchin（whoevidentlytooktheleadinthiscircle）begantopleasemegreatly。Hewasadark，thick-setlittlefellow，withaperenniallyglistening，polishedface，butonethatwasextremelylively，intellectual，andindependentinitsexpression。Thatexpressionitderivedfromalow，butprominent，forehead，deepblackeyes，short，bristlyhair，andathick，darkbeardwhichlookedasthoughitstoodinconstantneedoftrimming。Although，too，heseemedtothinknothingofhimself（atrailwhichalwayspleasedmeinpeople），itwasclearthatheneverlethisbrainrest。Hehadoneofthoseexpressivefaceswhich，afewhoursafteryouhaveseenthemforthefirsttime，changesuddenlyandentirelytoyourview。Suchachangetookplace，inmyeyes，withregardtoZuchin’sfacetowardstheendofthatevening。Suddenly，Iseemedtoseenewwrinklesappearuponitssurface，itseyesgrowdeeper，itssmilebecomeadifferentone，andthewholefaceassumesuchanalteredaspectthatIscarcelyrecognisedit。

Whenthereadingwasended，Zuchin，theotherstudents，andmyselfmanifestedourdesiretobe"comradesall"bydrinkingvodkauntillittleremainedinthebottle。ThereuponZuchinaskedifanyonehadaquarter-roubletospare，sothathecouldsendtheoldwomanwholookedafterhimtobuysomemore；yet，onmyofferingtoprovidethemoney，hemadeasthoughhehadnotheardme，andturnedtoOperoff，whopulledoutapursesewnwithbugles，andhandedhimthesumrequired。

"Andmindyoudon’tgetdrunk，"addedthegiver，whohimselfhadnotpartakenofthevodka。

"Byheavens！"answeredZuchinashesuckedthemarrowoutofamuttonbone（Irememberthinkingthatitmustbebecauseheatemarrowthathewassoclever）。"Byheavens！"hewentonwithaslightsmile（andhissmilewasofthekindthatoneinvoluntarilynoticed，andsomehowfeltgratefulfor），"evenifI

didgetdrunk，therewouldbenogreatharmdone。Iwonderwhichofustwocouldlookafterhimselfthebetter——youorI？AnywayI

amwillingtomaketheexperiment，"andheslappedhisforeheadwithmockboastfulness。"ButwhatapityitisthatSemenoffhasdisappeared！Hehasgoneandcompletelyhiddenhimselfsomewhere。"

Sureenough，thegrey-hairedSemenoffwhohadcomfortedmesomuchatmyfirstexaminationbybeingworsedressedthanmyself，andwho，afterpassingthesecondexamination，hadattendedhislecturesregularlyduringthefirstmonth，haddisappearedthereafterfromview，andneverbeenseenattheUniversitythroughoutthelatterpartofthecourse。

"Whereishe？"askedsomeone。

"Idonotknow"repliedZuchin。"Hehasescapedmyeyealtogether。YetwhatfunIusedtohavewithhim！Whatfiretherewasintheman！andwhatanintellect！Ishouldbeindeedsorryifhehascometogrief——andcometogriefheprobablyhas，forhewasnomereboytotakehisUniversitycourseininstalments。"

Afteralittlefurtherconversation，andagreeingtomeetagainthenextnightatZuchin’s，sincehisabodewasthemostcentralpointforusall，webegantodisperse。As，onebyone，welefttheroom，myconsciencestartedprickingmebecauseeveryoneseemedtobegoinghomeonfoot，whereasIhadmydrozhki。

Accordingly，withsomehesitationIofferedOperoffalift。

Zuchincametothedoorwithus，and，afterborrowingaroubleofOperoff，wentofftomakeanightofitwithsomefriends。Aswedrovealong，OperofftoldmeagooddealaboutZuchin’scharacterandmodeoflife，andonreachinghomeitwaslongbeforeIcouldgettosleepforthinkingofthenewacquaintancesIhadmade。

Formanyanhour，asIlayawake，Ikeptwaveringbetweentherespectwhichtheirknowledge，simplicity，andsenseofhonour，aswellasthepoetryoftheiryouthandcourage，excitedinmyregard，andthedistastewhichIfeltfortheiroutwardman。Inspiteofmydesiretodoso，itwasatthattimeliterallyimpossibleformetoassociatewiththem，sinceourideasweretoowhollyatvariance。Forme，life’smeaningandcharmcontainedaninfinitudeofshadesofwhichtheyhadnotaninkling，andviceversa。Thegreatestobstaclesofall，however，toourbetteracquaintanceIfelttobethetwentyroubles’worthofclothinmytunic，mydrozhki，andmywhitelinenshirt；andtheyappearedtomemostimportantobstacles，sincetheymademefeelasthoughIhadunwittinglyinsultedthesecomradesbydisplayingsuchtokensofmywealth。Ifeltguiltyintheireyes，andasthough，whetherIacceptedorrejectedtheiracquittalandtookalineofmyown，Icouldneverenterintoequalandunaffectedrelationswiththem。YettosuchanextentdidthestirringpoetryofthecouragewhichIcoulddetectinZuchin（inparticular）overshadowthecoarse，vicioussideofhisnaturethatthelattermadenounpleasantimpressionuponme。

ForacoupleofweeksIvisitedZuchin’salmosteverynightforpurposesofwork。YetIdidverylittlethere，since，asIhavesaid，Ihadlostgroundatthestart，and，nothavingsufficientgritinmetocatchupmycompanionsbysolitarystudy，wasforcedmerelytoPRETENDthatIwaslisteningtoandtakinginalltheywerereading。Ihaveanidea，too，thattheydivinedmypretence，sinceIoftennoticedthattheypassedoverpointswhichtheythemselvesknewwithoutfirstinquiringofmewhetherIdidthesame。Yet，daybyday，Iwascomingtoregardthevulgarityofthiscirclewithmoreindulgence，tofeelincreasinglydrawntowardsitswayoflife，andtofindinitmuchthatwaspoetical。OnlymywordofhonourtoDimitrithatI

wouldneverindulgeindissipationwiththesenewcomradeskeptmefromdecidingalsotosharetheirdiversions。

Once，IthoughtIwouldmakeadisplayofmyknowledgeofliterature，particularlyFrenchliterature，andsoledtheconversationtothattheme。Judge，then，ofmysurprisewhenI

discoveredthatnotonlyhadmycompanionsbeenreadingtheforeignpassagesinRussian，butthattheyhadstudiedfarmoreforeignworksthanIhad，andknewandcouldappraiseEnglish，andevenSpanish，writersofwhomIhadneversomuchasheard！

Likewise，PushkinandZhukovskirepresentedtothemLITERATURE，andnot，astomyself，certainbooksinyellowcoverswhichIhadoncereadandstudiedwhenachild。ForDumasandSuetheyhadanalmostequalcontempt，and，ingeneral，werecompetenttoformmuchbetterandclearerjudgmentsonliterarymattersthanIwas，forallthatIrefusedtorecognisethefact。Inknowledgeofmusic，too，Icouldnotbeatthem，andwasastonishedtofindthatOperoffplayedtheviolin，andanotherstudentthecelloandpiano，whilebothofthemweremembersoftheUniversityorchestra，andpossessedawideknowledgeofandappreciationofgoodmusic。Inshort，withtheexceptionoftheFrenchandGermanlanguages，mycompanionswerebetterpostedateverypointthanI

was，yetnottheleastproudofthefact。True，Imighthaveplumedmyselfonmypositionasamanoftheworld，butWolodaexcelledmeeveninthat。Wherein，then，laytheheightfromwhichIpresumedtolookdownuponthesecomrades？InmyacquaintanceshipwithPrinceIvanIvanovitch？InmyabilitytospeakFrench？Inmydrozhki？Inmylinenshirt？Inmyfinger-

nails？"Surelythesethingsareallrubbish，"wasthethoughtwhichwouldcomeflittingthroughmyheadundertheinfluenceoftheenvywhichthegood-fellowshipandkindly，youthfulgaietydisplayedaroundmeexcitedinmybreast。Everyoneaddressedhisinterlocutorinthesecondpersonsingular。True，thefamiliarityofthisaddressalmostapproximatedtorudeness，yeteventheboorishexteriorofthespeakercouldnotconcealaconstantendeavournevertohurtanotherone’sfeelings。Theterms"brute"

or"swine，"whenusedinthisgood-naturedfashion，onlyconvulsedme，andgavemecauseforinwardmerriment。Innowaydidtheyoffendthepersonaddressed，orpreventthecompanyatlargefromremainingonthemostsincereandfriendlyfooting。Inalltheirintercoursetheseyouthsweredelicateandforbearinginawaythatonlyverypoorandveryyoungmencanbe。HowevermuchImightdetectinZuchin’scharacterandamusementsanelementofcoarsenessandprofligacy，Icouldalsodetectthefactthathisdrinking-boutswereofaverydifferentordertothepuerilitywithburntrumandchampagneinwhichIhadparticipatedatBaronZ。’s。

XLIV

ZUCHINANDSEMENOFF

AlthoughIdonotknowwhatclassofsocietyZuchinbelongedto，Iknowthat，withoutthehelpeitherofmeansorsocialposition，hehadmatriculatedfromtheSeventhGymnasium。Atthattimehewaseighteen——thoughhelookedmucholder——andveryclever，especiallyinhispowersofassimilation。Tohimitwaseasiertosurveythewholeofsomecomplicatedsubject，toforeseeitsvariouspartsanddeductions，thantousethatknowledge，whengained，forreasoningouttheexactlawstowhichthosedeductionsweredue。Heknewthathewasclever，andofthefacthewasproud；yetfromthatverypridearosethecircumstancethathetreatedeveryonewithunvaryingsimplicityandgood-nature。

Moreover，hisexperienceoflifemusthavebeenconsiderable，foralreadyhehadsquanderedmuchlove，friendship，activity，andmoney。Thoughpoorandmovingonlyinthelowerranksofsociety，therewasnothingwhichhehadeverattemptedforwhichhedidnotthenceforthfeelthecontempt，theindifference，ortheutterdisregardwhichwereboundtoresultfromhisattaininghisgoaltooeasily。Infact，theveryardourwithwhichheappliedhimselftoanewpursuitseemedtobeduetohiscontemptforwhathehadalreadyattained，sincehisabilitiesalwaysledhimtosuccess，andthereforetoacertainrighttodespiseit。Withthesciencesitwasthesame。Thoughlittleinterestedinthem，andtakingnonotes，heknewmathematicsthoroughly，andwasutteringnovainboastwhenhesaidthathecouldbeattheprofessorhimself。Muchofwhatheheardsaidinlectureshethoughtrubbish，yetwithhispeculiarhabitofunconsciouslypracticalroguishnesshefeignedtosubscribetoallthattheprofessorsthoughtimportant，andeveryprofessoradoredhim。True，hewasoutspokentotheauthorities，buttheynonethelessrespectedhim。Besidesdislikinganddespisingthesciences，hedespisedallwholabouredtoattainwhathehimselfhadmasteredsoeasily，sincethesciences，asheunderstoodthem，didnotoccupyone-tenthpartofhispowers。Infact，life，ashesawitfromthestudent’sstandpoint，containednothingtowhichhecoulddevotehimselfwholly，andhisimpetuous，activenature（ashehimselfoftensaid）demandedlifecomplete：whereforehefrequentedthedrinking-boutinsofarashecouldaffordit，andsurrenderedhimselftodissipationchieflyoutofadesiretogetasfarawayfromhimselfaspossible。Consequently，justastheexaminationswereapproaching，Operoff’sprophecytomecametrue，forZuchinwastedtwowholeweeksinthisfashion，andwehadtodothelatterpartofourpreparationatanotherstudent’s。Yetatthefirstexaminationhereappearedwithpale，haggardfaceandtremuloushands，andpassedbrilliantlyintothesecondcourse！

ThecompanyofroisterersofwhichZuchinhadbeentheleadersinceitsformationatthebeginningofthetermconsistedofeightstudents，amongwhom，atfirst，hadbeennumberedIkoninandSemenoff；buttheformerhadleftunderthestrainofthecontinuousrevelryinwhichthebandhadindulgedintheearlypartoftheterm，andthelattersecededlaterforreasonswhichwereneverwhollyexplained。Initsearlydaysthisbandhadbeenlookeduponwithawebyallthefellowsofourcourse，andhadhaditsexploitsmuchdiscussed。OftheseexploitstheleadingheroeshadbeenZuchinand，towardstheendoftheterm，Semenoff，butthelatterhadcometobegenerallyshunned，andtocausedisturbancesontherareoccasionswhenheattendedalecture。Justbeforetheexaminationsbegan，heroundedoffhisdrinkingexploitsinamostenergeticandoriginalfashion，asI

myselfhadoccasiontowitness（throughmyacquaintanceshipwithZuchin）。Thisishowitwas。OneeveningwehadjustassembledatZuchin’s，andOperoff，reinforcingacandlestickwithacandlestuckinabottle，hadjustplungedhisnoseintohisnotebooksandbeguntoreadaloudinhisthinvoicefromhisneatly-writtennotesonphysics，whenthelandladyenteredtheroom，andinformedZuchinthatsomeonehadbroughtanoteforhim……[Theremainderofthischapterisomittedintheoriginal。]

XLV

ICOMETOGRIEF

Atlengththefirstexamination——ondifferentialsandintegrals——

drewnear，butIcontinuedinavaguestatewhichprecludedmefromforminganyclearideaofwhatwasawaitingme。Everyevening，afterconsortingwithZuchinandtherest，thethoughtwouldoccurtomethattherewassomethinginmyconvictionswhichImustchange-somethingwrongandmistaken；yeteverymorningthedaylightwouldfindmeagainsatisfiedtobe"commeilfaut，"anddesirousofnochangewhatsoever。

SuchwastheframeofmindinwhichIattendedforthefirstexamination。Iseatedmyselfonthebenchwheretheprinces，counts，andbaronsalwayssat，andbegantalkingtotheminFrench，withthenotunnaturalresultthatInevergaveanotherthoughttotheanswerswhichIwasshortlytoreturntoquestionsinasubjectofwhichIknewnothing。Igazedsupinelyatotherstudentsastheywentuptobeexamined，andevenallowedmyselftochaffsomeofthem。

"Well，Grap，"IsaidtoIlinka（who，fromourfirstentryintotheUniversity，hadshakenoffmyinfluence，hadceasedtosmilewhenIspoketohim，andalwaysremainedill-disposedtowardsme），"haveyousurvivedtheordeal？"

"Yes，"retortedIlinka。"LetusseeifYOUcandoso。"

Ismiledcontemptuouslyattheanswer，notwithstandingthatthedoubtwhichhehadexpressedhadgivenmeamomentaryshock。Onceagain，however，indifferenceoverlaidthatfeeling，andI

remainedsoentirelyabsent-mindedandsupinethat，theverymomentafterIhadbeenexamined（amereformalityforme，asitturnedout）IwasmakingadinnerappointmentwithBaronZ。WhencalledoutwithIkonin，Ismoothedthecreasesinmyuniform，andwalkeduptotheexaminer’stablewithperfectsangfroid。

True，aslightshiverofapprehensionrandownmybackwhentheyoungprofessor——thesameoneashadexaminedmeformymatriculation——lookedmestraightinthefaceasIreachedacrosstotheenvelopecontainingthetickets。Ikonin，thoughtakingaticketwiththesameplungeofhiswholebodyashehaddoneatthepreviousexaminations，didatleastreturnsomesortofananswerthistime，thoughapoorone。I，onthecontrary，didjustashehaddoneonthetwopreviousoccasions，orevenworse，sinceItookasecondticket，yetforasecondtimereturnednoanswer。Theprofessorlookedmecompassionatelyintheface，andsaidinaquiet，butdetermined，voice：

"Youwillnotpassintothesecondcourse，MonsieurIrtenieff。

Youhadbetternotcompletetheexaminations。Thefacultymustbeweededout。Thesamewithyou，MonsieurIkonin。"

Ikoninimploredleavetofinishtheexaminations，asagreatfavour，buttheprofessorrepliedthathe（Ikonin）wasnotlikelytodointwodayswhathehadnotsucceededindoinginayear，andthathehadnotthesmallestchanceofpassing。Ikoninrenewedhishumble，piteousappeals，buttheprofessorwasinexorable。

"Youcango，gentlemen，"heremarkedinthesamequiet，resolutevoice。

Iwasonlytoogladtodoso，forIfeltashamedofseeming，bymysilentpresence，tobejoininginIkonin’shumiliatingprayersforgrace。IhavenorecollectionofhowIthreadedmywaythroughthestudentsinthehall，norofwhatIrepliedtotheirquestions，norofhowIpassedintothevestibuleanddepartedhome。Iwasoffended，humiliated，andgenuinelyunhappy。

ForthreedaysIneverleftmyroom，andsawnoone，butfoundreliefincopioustears。IshouldhavesoughtapistoltoshootmyselfifIhadhadthenecessarydeterminationforthedeed。I

thoughtthatIlinkaGrapwouldspitinmyfacewhenhenextmetme，andthathewouldhavetherighttodoso；thatOperoffwouldrejoiceatmymisfortune，andtelleveryoneofit；thatKolpikoffhadjustlyshamedmethatnightattherestaurant；thatmystupidspeechestoPrincessKornikoffhadhadtheirfittingresult；andsoon，andsoon。Allthemomentsinmylifewhichhadbeenformemostdifficultandpainfulrecurredtomymind。I

triedtoblamesomeoneformycalamity，andthoughtthatsomeonemusthavedoneitonpurpose——musthaveconspiredawholeintrigueagainstme。Next，Imurmuredagainsttheprofessors，againstmycomrades，Woloda，Dimitri，andPapa（thelastforhavingsentmetotheUniversityatall）。Finally，IrailedatProvidenceforeverhavingletmeseesuchignominy。Believingmyselfruinedforeverintheeyesofallwhoknewme，IbesoughtPapatoletmegointothehussarsortotheCaucasus。Naturally，Papawasanythingbutpleasedatwhathadhappened；yet，onseeingmypassionategrief，hecomfortedmebysayingthat，thoughitwasabadbusiness，itmightyetbemendedbymytransferringtoanotherfaculty。Woloda，whoalsosawnothingveryterribleinmymisfortune，addedthatatleastIshouldnotbeputoutofcountenanceinanewfaculty，sinceIshouldhavenewcomradesthere。Asfortheladiesofthehousehold，theyneitherknewnorcaredwhateitheranexaminationorapluckingmeant，andcondoledwithmeonlybecausetheysawmeinsuchdistress。Dimitricametoseemeeveryday，andwasverykindandconsolatorythroughout；butforthatveryreasonheseemedtometohavegrowncolderthanbefore。Italwayshurtmeandmademefeeluncomfortablewhenhecameuptomyroomandseatedhimselfinsilencebesideme，muchasadoctormightscathimselfbythebedsideofanawkwardpatient。SophiaIvanovnaandVarenikasentmebooksforwhichIhadexpressedawish，asalsoaninvitationtogoandseethem，butinthatverythoughtfulnessoftheirsI

sawonlyproud，humiliatingcondescensiontoonewhohadfallenbeyondforgiveness。Although，inthreedays’time，Igrewcalmer，itwasnotuntilwedepartedforthecountrythatIleftthehouse，butspentthetimeinnursingmygriefandwandering，fearfulofallthehousehold，throughthevariousrooms。

Oneevening，asIwassittingdeepinthoughtandlisteningtoAvdotiaplayingherwaltz，Isuddenlyleapttomyfeet，ranupstairs，gotoutthecopy-bookwhereonIhadonceinscribed"RulesofMyLife，"openedit，andexperiencedmyfirstmomentofrepentanceandmoralresolution。True，Iburstintotearsoncemore，buttheywerenolongertearsofdespair。Pullingmyselftogether，Isetaboutwritingoutafreshsetofrules，intheassuredconvictionthatneveragainwouldIdoawrongaction，wasteasinglemomentonfrivolity，oraltertheruleswhichI

nowdecidedtoframe。

Howlongthatmoralimpulselasted，whatitconsistedof，andwhatnewprinciplesIdevisedformymoralgrowthIwillrelatewhenspeakingoftheensuingandhappierportionofmyearlymanhood。