第2章
"Come，POLTER，"saidthefiend，"begin，Andkeepthebowla—flowingon—
AworkingmanneedspintsofginTokeephisclockworkgoingon。"
BOBshuddered："Ah，you’vemadeamissIfyoutakemeforoneofyou：
Youfilthybeast，getoutofthis—
BOBPOLTERdon’twan’tnoneofyou。"
Thedemongaveadrunkenshriek，Andcreptawayinstealthiness，Andlo!instead，apersonsleek，Whoseemedtoburstwithhealthiness。
"Inme，asyouradviserhints，OfAbstinenceyou’vegotatype—
OfMR。TWEEDIE’SprettyprintsIamthehappyprototype。
"Ifyouabjurethesocialtoast，Andpipes，andsuchfrivolities，YoupossiblysomedaymayboastMyprepossessingqualities!"
BOBrubbedhiseyes，andmade’emblink：
"Youalmostmakemetremble，you!
IfIabjurefermenteddrink，ShallI，indeed，resembleyou？
"Andwillmywhiskerscurlsotight？
Mycheeksgrowsmugandmuttony？
Myfacebecomesoredandwhite？
Mycoatsoblueandbuttony？
"Willtrousers，suchasyours，arrayExtremitiesinferior？
WillchubbinessassertitsswayAllovermyexterior？
"Inthis，myunenlightenedstate，ToworkinheavybootsIcomes；
WillpumpshenceforwarddecorateMytiddletoddletootsicums？
"AndshallIgetsoplumpandfresh，Andlooknolongerseedily？
MyskinwillhenceforthfitmyfleshSotightlyandsoTWEEDIE—ly？"
Thephantomsaid，"You’llhaveallthis，You’llknownokindofhuffiness，Yourlifewillbeonechubbybliss，Onelongunruffledpuffiness!"
"Beoff!"saidirritatedBOB。
"Whycomeyouheretobotherone？
Youpharisaicaloldsnob，You’rewussalmostthant’otherone!
"Itakesmypipe—Itakesmypot，AnddrunkI’mneverseentobe：
I’mnoteetotallerorsot，AndasIamImeantobe!"
Ballad：THESTORYOFPRINCEAGIB。
STRIKEtheconcertina’smelancholystring!
Blowthespirit—stirringharplikeanything!
Letthepiano’smartialblastRousetheEchoesofthePast，ForofAGIB，PRINCEOFTARTARY，Ising!
OfAGIB，who，amidTartaricscenes，Wrotealotofballetmusicinhisteens：
HisgentlespiritrollsInthemelodyofsouls—
Whichispretty，butIdon’tknowwhatitmeans。
OfAGIB，whocouldreadily，atsight，StrumamarchupontheloudTheodolite。
HewoulddiligentlyplayOntheZoetropeallday，AndblowthegayPantechniconallnight。
Onewinter—Iamshakyinmydates—
CametwostarvingTartarminstrelstohisgates；
Oh，ALLAHbeobeyed，Howinfernallytheyplayed!
Irememberthattheycalledthemselvesthe"O乤its。"
Oh!thatdayofsorrow，misery，andrage，IshallcarrytotheCatacombsofAge，PhotographicallylinedOnthetabletofmymind，Whenayesterdayhasfadedfromitspage!
Alas!PRINCEAGIBwentandaskedthemin；
Gavethembeer，andeggs，andsweets，andscent，andtin。
Andwhen（assnobswouldsay）
Theyhad"putitallaway，"
Herequestedthemtotuneupandbegin。
Thoughitsicyhorrorchillyoutothecore，IwilltellyouwhatInevertoldbefore，—
TheconsequencestrueOfthatawfulinterview，FORILISTENEDATTHEKEYHOLEINTHEDOOR!
Theyplayedhimasonata—letmesee!
"MEDULLAOBLONGATA"—keyofG。
ThentheybegantosingThatextremelylovelything，SCHERZANDO!MANONTROPPO，PPP。"
Hegavethemmoney，morethantheycouldcount，Scentfromamostingeniouslittlefount，Morebeer，inlittlekegs，Manydozenhard—boiledeggs，Andgoodiestoafabulousamount。
Nowfollowsthedimhorrorofmytale，AndIfeelI’mgrowinggraduallypale，For，evenatthisday，Thoughitsstinghaspassedaway，WhenIventuretorememberit，Iquail!
Theelderofthebrothersgaveasqueal，All—overishitmademefortofeel；
"Oh，PRINCE，"hesays，sayshe，"IFAPRINCEINDEEDYOUBE，I’veamysteryI’mgoingtoreveal!
"Oh，listen，ifyou’dshunahorriddeath，Towhatthegentwho’sspeakingtoyousaith：
No’O乤its’intrutharewe，Asyoufancythatwebe，For（ter—remble!）IamALECK—thisisBETH!"
SaidAGIB，"Oh!accursedofyourkind，Ihaveheardthatyearemenofevilmind!"
BETHgaveadreadfulshriek—
Butbeforehe’dtimetospeakIwasmercilesslycollaredfrombehind。
Innumbertenortwelve，orevenmore，Theyfastenedmefulllengthuponthefloor。
Onmyfaceextendedflat，IwaswallopedwithacatForlisteningatthekeyholeofadoor。
Oh!thehorrorofthatagonizingthrill!
（Icanfeeltheplaceinfrostyweatherstill）。
ForaweekfromtentofourIwasfastenedtothefloor，WhileamercenarywoppedmewithawillTheybrandedmeandbrokemeonawheel，Andtheyleftmeinanhospitaltoheal；
And，uponmysolemnword，IhaveneverneverheardWhatthoseTartarshaddeterminedtoreveal。
Butthatdayofsorrow，misery，andrage，IshallcarrytotheCatacombsofAge，PhotographicallylinedOnthetabletofmymind，WhenayesterdayhasfadedfromitspageBallad：ELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
MACPHAIRSONCLONGLOCKETTYANGUSMcCLAN
Wasthesonofanelderlylabouringman；
You’veguessedhimaScotchman，shrewdreader，atsight，Andp’r’apsaltogether，shrewdreader，you’reright。
FromthebonnieblueForthtothelovelyDeeside，RoundbyDingwallandWrathtothemouthoftheClyde，Therewasn’tachildorawomanormanWhocouldpipewithCLONGLOCKETTYANGUSMcCLAN。
Noothercouldwakesuchdetestablegroans，Withreedandwithchaunter—withbagandwithdrones：
AlldayandillnighthedelightedthechielsWithsniggeringpibrochsandjiggetyreels。
He’dclamberamountainandsquatontheground，AndtheneighbouringmaidenswouldgatheraroundTolisttothepipesandtogazeinhiseen，EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
AlllovedtheirMcCLAN，saveaSassenachbrute，WhocametotheHighlandstofishandtoshoot；
HedressedhimselfupinaHighlanderway，Tho’hisnameitwasPATTISONCORBYTORBAY。
TORBAYhadincurredagooddealofexpenseTomakehimaScotchmanineverysense；
Butthisisamatter，you’llreadilyown，Thatisn’taquestionoftailorsalone。
ASassenachchiefmaybebonilybuilt，Hemaypurchaseasporran，abonnet，andkilt；
Stickaske刵inhishose—wearanacreofstripes—
Buthecannotassumeanaffectionforpipes。
CLONGLOCKETY’SpipingsallnightandalldayQuitefrenziedpoorPATTISONCORBYTORBAY；
Thegirlswereamusedathissingularspleen，EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN，"MACPHAIRSONCLONGLOCKETTYANGUS，mylad，Withpibrochsandreelsyouaredrivingmemad。
Ifyoureallymustplayonthatcursedaffair，Mygoodness!playsomethingresemblinganair。"
BoiledoverthebloodofMACPHAIRSONMcCLAN—
TheClanofClonglockettyroseasoneman；
Forallwereenragedattheinsult，Iween—
EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
"Let’sshow，"saidMcCLAN，"tothisSassenachloonThatthebagpipesCANplayhimaregulartune。
Let’ssee，"saidMcCLAN，ashethoughtfullysat，"’INMYCOTTAGE’iseasy—I’llpractiseatthat。"
Heblewathis"Cottage，"andblewwithawill，Forayear，sevenmonths，andafortnight，until（You’llhardlybelieveit）McCLAN，Ideclare，Elicitedsomethingresemblinganair。
Itwaswild—itwasfitful—aswildasthebreeze—
Itwanderedaboutintoseveralkeys；
Itwasjerky，spasmodic，andharsh，I’maware；
Butstillitdistinctlysuggestedanair。
TheSassenachscreamed，andtheSassenachdanced；
Heshriekedinhisagony—bellowedandpranced；
Andthemaidenswhogatheredrejoicedatthescene—
EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
"Hechgather，hechgather，hechgatheraround；
Andfilla’yelugswi’theexquisitesound。
Anairfra’thebagpipes—beatthatifyecan!
HurrahforCLONGLOCKETTYANGUSMcCLAN!"
Thefameofhispipingspreadovertheland：
Respectablewidowsproposedforhishand，Andmaidenscameflockingtositonthegreen—
EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
OnemorningthefidgetySassenachsworeHe’dstanditnolonger—hedrewhisclaymore，And（thiswas，Ithink，inextremelybadtaste）
DividedCLONGLOCKETTYclosetothewaist。
Oh!loudwerethewailingsforANGUSMcCLAN，Oh!deepwasthegriefforthatexcellentman；
Themaidsstoodaghastatthehorriblescene—
EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
ItsorrowedpoorPATTISONCORBYTORBAY
Tofindthem"takeon"inthisseriousway；
Hepitiedthepoorlittleflutteringbirds，Andsolacedtheirsoulswiththefollowingwords：
"Oh，maidens，"saidPATTISON，touchinghishat，"Don’tblubber，mydears，forafellowlikethat；
Observe，I’maverysuperiorman，AmuchbetterfellowthanANGUSMcCLAN。"
Theysmiledwhenhewinkedandaddressedthemas"dears，"
Andtheyallofthemvowed，astheydrieduptheirtears，Apleasantergentlemanneverwasseen—
EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
Ballad：PETERTHEWAG。
POLICEMANPETERFORTHIdragFromhisobscureretreat：
Hewasamerrygenialwag，Wholovedamadconceit。
Ifhewereaskedthetimeofday，Bycountrybumpkinsgreen，Henotunfrequentlywouldsay，"Aquarterpastthirteen。"
IfeveryoubywordofmouthInquiredofMISTERFORTH
ThewaytosomewhereintheSouth，HealwayssentyouNorth。
WithlittleboyshisbeatalongHelovedtostopandplay；
Helovedtosendoldladieswrong，Andteachtheirfeettostray。
Hewouldinfrolicmoments，whenSuchmischiefbentupon，TakeBishopsupasbettingmen—
BidMinistersmoveon。
ThenalltheworthyboysheknewHeregularlylicked，AndalwayscollaredpeoplewhoHadhadtheirpocketspicked。
Hewasnotnaturallybad，Orviciouslyinclined，ButfromhisearlyyouthhehadAwaggishturnofmind。
TheMenofLondongrimlyscowledWithindignationwild；
TheMenofLondongrufflygrowled，ButPETERcalmlysmiled。
AgainstthisminionoftheCrownTheswellingmurmursgrew—
FromCamberwelltoKentishTown—
FromRotherhithetoKew。
Stillhumouredhehiswagsometurn，AndfedinvariouswaysThecowardragethatdaredtoburn，Butdidnotdaretoblaze。
Still，Retributionhasherday，Althoughherflightisslow：
ONEDAYTHATCRUSHERLOSTHISWAY
NEARPOLANDSTREET，SOHO。
Thehaughtyboy，tooproudtoask，Tofindhiswayresolved，AndinthetangleofhistaskGotmoreandmoreinvolved。
TheMenofLondon，overjoyed，Cametheretojeertheirfoe，AndflockingcrowdscompletelycloyedThemazesofSoho。
ThenewsontelegraphicwiresSpedswiftlyo’erthelea，ExcursiontrainsfromdistantshiresBroughtmyriadstosee。
Forweekshetrodhisself—madebeatsThroughNewport—Gerrard—Bear—
Greek—Rupert—Frith—Dean—Poland—Streets，AndintoGoldenSquare。
Butall，alas!invain，forwhenHetriedtolearnthewayOflittleboysorgrown—upmen，Theynoneofthemwouldsay。
Theireyeswouldflash—theirteethwouldgrind—
Theirlipswouldtightlycurl—
They’dsay，"Thywaythyselfmustfind，Thoumisdirectingchurl!"
And，similarly，also，whenHetriedaforeignfriend；
Italiansanswered，"ILBALEN"—
TheFrench，"Nocomprehend。"
TheRusswouldsaywithgleamingeye"Sevastopol!"andgroan。
TheGreeksaid，[GREEKTEXTWHICHCANNOT
BEREPRODUCED]。"
TowanderthusformanyayearThatCrusherneverceased—
TheMenofLondondroppedatear，TheirangerwasappeasedAtlengthexploringgangsweresentTofindpoorFORTH’Sremains—
AhandsomegrantbyParliamentWasvotedfortheirpains。
ToseekthepoorpolicemanoutBoldspiritsvolunteered，Andwhentheysworethey’dsolvethedoubt，TheMenofLondoncheered。
Andinayard，dark，dank，anddrear，Theyfoundhim，onthefloor—
ItleadsfromRichmondBuildings—nearTheRoyaltystage—door。
WithbrandycoldandbrandyhotTheypliedhim，starvedandwet，Andmadehimsergeantonthespot—
TheMenofLondon’spet!
Ballad：TOTHETERRESTRIALGLOBE。BYAMISERABLEWRETCH。
ROLLon，thouball，rollon!
ThroughpathlessrealmsofSpaceRollon!
WhatthoughI’minasorrycase？
WhatthoughIcannotmeetmybills？
WhatthoughIsuffertoothache’sills？
WhatthoughIswallowcountlesspills？
NeverYOUmind!
Rollon!
Rollon，thouball，rollon!
ThroughseasofinkyairRollon!
It’strueI’vegotnoshirtstowear；
It’struemybutcher’sbillisdue；
It’struemyprospectsalllookblue—
Butdon’tletthatunsettleyou!
NeverYOUmind!
Rollon!
[ITROLLSON。
Ballad：GENTLEALICEBROWN。
ITwasarobber’sdaughter，andhernamewasALICEBROWN，HerfatherwastheterrorofasmallItaliantown；
Hermotherwasafoolish，weak，butamiableoldthing；
Butitisn’tofherparentsthatI’mgoingfortosing。
AsALICEwasa—sittingatherwindow—silloneday，Abeautifulyounggentlemanhechancedtopassthatway；
Shecasthereyesuponhim，andhelookedsogoodandtrue，Thatshethought，"Icouldbehappywithagentlemanlikeyou!"
Andeverymorningpassedherhousethatcreamofgentlemen，Sheknewshemightexpecthimataquarteruntoten；
AsorterintheCustom—house，itwashisdailyroad（TheCustom—housewasfifteenminutes’walkfromherabode）。
ButALICEwasapiousgirl，whoknewitwasn’twiseTolookatstrangeyoungsorterswithexpressivepurpleeyes；
Soshesoughtthevillagepriesttowhomherfamilyconfessed，Thepriestbywhomtheirlittlesinswerecarefullyassessed。
"Oh，holyfather，"ALICEsaid，"’twouldgrieveyou，woulditnot，TodiscoverthatIwasamostdisreputablelot？
OfallunhappysinnersI’mthemostunhappyone!"
Thepadresaid，"Whateverhaveyoubeenandgoneanddone？"
"Ihavehelpedmammatostealalittlekiddyfromitsdad，I’veassisteddearpapaincuttingupalittlelad，I’veplannedalittleburglaryandforgedalittlecheque，Andslainalittlebabyforthecoralonitsneck!"
Theworthypastorheavedasigh，anddroppedasilenttear，Andsaid，"Youmustn’tjudgeyourselftooheavily，mydear：
It’swrongtomurderbabies，littlecoralsfortofleece；
Butsinsliketheseoneexpiatesathalf—a—crownapiece。
"Girlswillbegirls—you’reveryyoung，andflightyinyourmind；
Oldheadsuponyoungshoulderswemustnotexpecttofind：
Wemustn’tbetoohardupontheselittlegirlishtricks—
Let’ssee—fivecrimesathalf—a—crown—exactlytwelve—and—six。"
"Oh，father，"littleAlicecried，"yourkindnessmakesmeweep，Youdotheselittlethingsformesosingularlycheap—
YourthoughtfulliberalityInevercanforget；
But，oh!thereisanothercrimeIhaven’tmentionedyet!
"Apleasant—lookinggentleman，withprettypurpleeyes，I’venoticedatmywindow，asI’vesata—catchingflies；
Hepassesbyiteverydayascertainascanbe—
IblushtosayI’vewinkedathim，andhehaswinkedatme!"
"Forshame!"saidFATHERPAUL，"myerringdaughter!OnmywordThisisthemostdistressingnewsthatIhaveeverheard。
Why，naughtygirl，yourexcellentpapahaspledgedyourhandToapromisingyoungrobber，thelieutenantofhisband!
"Thisdreadfulpieceofnewswillpainyourworthyparentsso!
TheyarethemostremunerativecustomersIknow；
Formanymanyyearsthey’vekeptstarvationfrommydoors：
Ineverknewsocriminalafamilyasyours!
"ThecommoncountryfolkinthisinsipidneighbourhoodHavenothingtoconfess，they’resoridiculouslygood；
Andifyoumarryanyonerespectableatall，Why，you’llreform，andwhatwillthenbecomeofFATHERPAUL？"
Theworthypriest，heupanddrewhiscowluponhiscrown，AndstartedoffinhastetotellthenewstoROBBERBROWN—
Totellhimhowhisdaughter，whowasnowformarriagefit，Hadwinkeduponasorter，whoreciprocatedit。
GoodROBBERBROWNhemuffleduphisangerprettywell：
Hesaid，"Ihaveanotion，andthatnotionIwilltell；
Iwillnabthisgayyoungsorter，terrifyhimintofits，Andgetmygentlewifetochophimintolittlebits。
"I’vestudiedhumannature，andIknowathingortwo：
Thoughagirlmayfondlylovealivinggent，asmanydo—
AfeelingofdisgustuponhersensestherewillfallWhenshelooksuponhisbodychoppedparticularlysmall。"
Hetracedthatgallantsortertoastillsuburbansquare；
Hewatchedhisopportunity，andseizedhimunaware；
Hetookalife—preserverandhehithimonthehead，AndMRS。BROWNdissectedhimbeforeshewenttobed。
AndprettylittleALICEgrewmoresettledinhermind，Shenevermorewasguiltyofaweaknessofthekind，UntilatlengthgoodROBBERBROWNbestowedherprettyhandOnthepromisingyoungrobber，thelieutenantofhisband。
Ballad：MISTERWILLIAM。
OH，listentothetaleofMISTERWILLIAM，ifyouplease，Whomnaughty，naughtyjudgessentawaybeyondtheseas。
Heforgedaparty’swill，whichcausedanxietyandstrife，Resultinginhisgettingpenalservitudeforlife。
Hewasakindlygoodlyman，andnaturallyprone，Insteadoftakingothers’gold，togiveawayhisown。
ButhehadheardofVice，andlongedforonlyoncetostrike—
ToplanONElittlewickedness—toseewhatitwaslike。
Hearguedwithhimself，andsaid，"AspotlessmanamI；
Ican’tbemorerespectable，howeverhardItry!
ForsixandthirtyyearsI’vealwaysbeenasgoodasgold，AndnowforhalfanhourI’llplaninfamyuntold!
"Ababywhoiswickedattheearlyageofone，Andthenreforms—anddiesatthirty—sixaspotlessson，Isnever，neversaddledwithhisbabyhood’sdefect，Butearnsfromworthymenconsiderationandrespect。
"SoonewhoneverrevelledindiscreditabletricksUntilhereachedthecomfortableageofthirty—six，Maythenforhalfanhourperpetrateadeedofshame，Withoutincurringpermanentdisgrace，orevenblame。
"Thatbabiesdon’tcommitsuchcrimesasforgeryistrue，Butlittlesinsdevelop，ifyouleave’emtoaccrue；
Andhewhoshunsallvicesassuccessiveseasonsroll，Shouldreapatlengththebenefitofsomuchself—control。
"Thecommonsinofbabyhood—objectingtobedrest—
Ifyouleaveittoaccumulateatcompoundinterest，Foranythingyouknow，mayrepresent，ifyou’realive，Aburglaryormurderattheageofthirty—five。
"Still，Iwouldn’ttakeadvantageofthisfact，butbecontentWithsomepardonablefolly—it’samereexperiment。
Thegreaterthetemptationtogowrong，thelessthesin；
Sowithsomethingthat’sparticularlytemptingI’llbegin。
"Iwouldnotstealapenny，formyincome’sveryfair—
Idonotwantapenny—Ihavepenniesandtospare—
AndifIstoleapennyfromamoney—bagortill，Thesinwouldbeenormous—thetemptationbeingNIL。
"ButifIbrokeasunderallsuchpettifoggingbounds，Andforgedaparty’sWillfor（say）FiveHundredThousandPounds，Withsuchanirresistibletemptationtoahaul，Ofcoursethesinmustbeinfinitesimallysmall。
"There’sWILSONwhoisdying—hehaswealthfromStockandrent—
IfIdiverthisrichesfromtheirnaturaldescent，I’mplacedinapositiontoindulgeeachlittlewhim。"
Sohedivertedthem—andthey，inturn，divertedhim。
Unfortunately，though，bysomeunpardonableflaw，Temptationisn’trecognizedbyBritain’sCommonLaw；
Menfoundhimoutbysomepeculiarityoftouch，AndWILLIAMgota"lifer，"whichannoyedhimverymuch。
For，ah!heneverreconciledhimselftolifeingaol，Hefrettedandhepined，andgrewdispiritedandpale；
Hewasnumberedlikeacabman，too，whichtolduponhimsoThathisspirits，oncesobuoyant，grewuncomfortablylow。
Andsympatheticgaolerswouldremark，"It’sverytrue，Heain’tbeenbroughtupcommon，likethelikesofmeandyou。"
Sotheytookhimintohospital，andgavehimmuttonchops，Andchocolate，andarrowroot，andbuns，andmaltandhops。
KindClergymen，besides，grewinterestedinhisfate，Affectedbythedetailsofhispitiablestate。
TheywaitedontheSecretary，somewhereinWhitehall，Whosaidhewouldreceivethemanydaytheylikedtocall。
"Consider，sir，thehardshipofthisinterestingcase：
Aprisonlifebringswithitsomethingverylikedisgrace；
It’stellingonyoungWILLIAM，who’sreducedtoskinandbone—
Rememberhe’sagentleman，withmoneyofhisown。
"Hehadanampleincome，andofcoursehestandsinneedOfsherrywithhisdinner，andhiscustomaryweed；
Nodelicaciesnowcanpasshisgentlemanlylips—
Hemisseshissea—bathingandhiscontinentaltrips。
"Hesaystheotherprisonersarecommonplaceandrude；
Hesayshecannotrelishuncongenialprisonfood。
WhenquiteaboytheytaughthimtodistinguishGoodfromBad，Andothereducationaladvantageshe’shad。
"Aburglarorgarotter，or，indeed，acommonthiefIsverygladtobattenonpotatoesandonbeef，Oranything，inshort，thatprisonkitchenscanafford，—
Acutabovethedietinacommonworkhouseward。
"Butbeefandmutton—brothdon’tseemtosuitourWILLIAM’Swhim，Aboontootherprisoners—apunishmenttohim。
ItneverwasintendedthatthedisciplineofgaolShoulddashaconvict’sspirits，sir，ormakehimthinorpale。"
"GoodGraciousMe!"thatsympatheticSecretarycried，"SupposeinprisonfettersMISTERWILLIAMshouldhavedied!
Dearme，ofcourse!ImprisonmentforLIFEhissentencesaith：
I’mverygladyoumentionedit—itmighthavebeenForDeath!
"Releasehimwithaticket—he’llbebetterthen，nodoubt，AndtellhimIapologize。"SoMISTERWILLIAM’Sout。
Ihopehewillbecarefulinhismanuscripts，I’msure，Andnotbeginexperimentalizinganymore。
Ballad：THEBUMBOATWOMAN’SSTORY。
I’Mold，mydears，andshrivelledwithage，andwork，andgrief，Myeyesaregone，andmyteethhavebeendrawnbyTime，theThief!
ForterriblesightsI’veseen，anddangersgreatI’verun—
I’mnearlyseventynow，andmyworkisalmostdone!
Ah!I’vebeenyounginmytime，andI’veplayedthedeucewithmen!
I’mspeakingoftenyearspast—Iwasbarelysixtythen：
Mycheeksweremellowandsoft，andmyeyeswerelargeandsweet，POLLPINEAPPLE’SeyeswerethestandingtoastoftheRoyalFleet!
AbumboatwomanwasI，andIfaithfullyservedtheshipsWithapplesandcakes，andfowls，andbeer，andhalfpennydips，Andbeefforthegenerousmess，wheretheofficersdineatnights，Andfinefreshpeppermintdropsfortherollickingmidshipmites。
OfallthekindcommanderswhoanchoredinPortsmouthBay，ByfarthesweetestofallwaskindLIEUTENANTBELAYE。’
LIEUTENANTBELAYEcommandedthegunboatHOTCROSSBUN，Shewassevenandthirtyfeetinlength，andshecarriedagun。
Withalaudableviewofenhancinghiscountry’snavalpride，Whenpeopleinquiredhersize，LIEUTENANTBELAYEreplied，"Oh，myship，myshipisthefirstoftheHundredandSeventy—
ones!"
Whichmeanthertonnage，butpeopleimagineditmeantherguns。
WheneverIwentonboardhewouldbeckonmedownbelow，"Comedown，LittleButtercup，come"（forhelovedtocallmeso），Andhe’dtellofthefightsatseainwhichhe’dtakenapart，AndsoLIEUTENANTBELAYEwonpoorPOLLPINEAPPLE’Sheart!
Butatlengthhisorderscame，andhesaidoneday，saidhe，"I’morderedtosailwiththeHOTCROSSBUNtotheGermanSea。"
AndthePortsmouthmaidensweptwhentheylearnttheevilday，ForeveryPortsmouthmaidlovedgoodLIEUTENANTBELAYE。
AndIwenttoabackbackstreet，withplentyofcheapcheapshops，AndIboughtanoilskinhatandasecond—handsuitofslops，AndIwenttoLIEUTENANTBELAYE（andheneversuspectedME!）
AndIenteredmyselfasachapaswantedtogotosea。
Wesailedthatafternoonatthemystichourofone，—
RemarkablyniceyoungmenwerethecrewoftheHOTCROSSBUN，I’msorrytosaythatI’veheardthatsailorssometimesswear，ButIneveryetheardaBUNsayanythingwrong，Ideclare。
WhenJackTarsmeet，theymeetwitha"Messmate，ho!Whatcheer？"
Buthere，ontheHOTCROSSBUN，itwas"Howdoyoudo，mydear？"
WhenJackTarsgrowl，IbelievetheygrowlwithabigbigD—
ButthestrongestoathoftheHOTCROSSBUNSwasamild"Dearme!"
Yet，thoughtheywereallwell—bred，youcouldscarcelycallthemslick：
Wheneveraseawason，theywereallextremelysick；
Andwhenevertheweatherwascalm，andthewindwaslightandfair，Theyspentmoretimethanasailorshouldonhisbackbackhair。
Theycertainlyshiveredandshookwhenorderedalofttorun，AndtheyscreamedwhenLIEUTENANTBELAYEdischargedhisonlygun。
Andashewasproudofhisgun—suchprideishardlywrong—
TheLieutenantwasblazingawayatintervalsalldaylong。
Theyallagreedverywell，thoughattimesyouhearditsaidThatBILLhadawayofhisownofmakinghislipslookred—
ThatJOElookedquitehisage—orsomebodymightdeclareThatBARNACLE’Slongpig—tailwasneverhisownownhair。
BELAYEwouldadmitthathismenwereofnogreatusetohim，"But，then，"hewouldsay，"thereislittletodoonagunboattrimIcanhand，andreef，andsteer，andfiremybigguntoo—
AnditISsuchatreattosailwithagentlewell—bredcrew。"
Isawhimeveryday。Howthehappymomentssped!
Reeftopsails!Makealltaut!There’sdirtyweatherahead!
（IdonotmeanthattempeststhreatenedtheHOTCROSSBUN：
InTHATcase，Idon’tknowwhateverweSHOULDhavedone!）
Afterafortnight’scruise，weputintoportoneday，AndoffonleaveforaweekwentkindLIEUTENANTBELAYE，Andafteralonglongweekhadpassed（anditseemedlikealife），LIEUTENANTBELAYEreturnedtohisshipwithafairyoungwife!
Heup，andhesays，sayshe，"OcrewoftheHOTCROSSBUN，Hereisthewifeofmyheart，fortheChurchhasmadeusone!"
Andasheutteredtheword，thecrewwentoutoftheirwits，Andallfelldowninsomanyseparatefainting—fits。
Andthentheirhaircamedown，oroff，asthecasemightbe，Andlo!therestofthecrewweresimplegirls，likeme，Whoallhadfledfromtheirhomesinasailor’sbluearray，TofollowtheshiftingfateofkindLIEUTENANTBELAYE。
********
It’sstrangetothinkthatIshouldeverhavelovedyoungmen，ButI’mspeakingoftenyearspast—Iwasbarelysixtythen，Andnowmycheeksarefurrowedwithgriefandage，Itrow!
AndpoorPOLLPINEAPPLE’Seyeshavelosttheirlustrenow!
Ballad：LOSTMR。BLAKE。
MR。BLAKEwasaregularout—and—outhardenedsinner，WhowasquiteoutofthepaleofChristianity，sotospeak，HewasinthehabitofsmokingalongpipeanddrinkingaglassofgrogonaSundayafterdinner，Andseldomthoughtofgoingtochurchmorethantwiceor—ifGoodFridayorChristmasDayhappenedtocomeinit—threetimesaweek。
HewasquiteindifferentastotheparticularkindsofdressesThattheclergymanworeatchurchwhereheusedtogotopray，Andwhateverhedidinthewayofrelievingachap’sdistresses，Healwaysdidinanasty，sneaking，underhanded，hole—and—cornersortofway。
Ihaveknownhimindulgeinprofane，ungentlemanlyemphatics，WhentheProtestantChurchhasbeendividedonthesubjectoftheproperwidthofachasuble’shem；
Ihaveevenknownhimtosneeratalbs—andasfordalmatics，Wordscan’tconveyanideaofthecontemptheexpressedforTHEM。
Hedidn’tbelieveinpersonswho，notbeingwelloffthemselves，areobligedtoconfinetheircharitableexertionstocollectingmoneyfromwealthierpeople，Andlookeduponindividualsoftheformerclassasecclesiasticalhawks；
Heusedtosaythathewouldnomorethinkofinterferingwithhispriest’srobesthanwithhischurchorhissteeple，Andthathedidnotconsiderhissoulimperilledbecausesomebodyoverwhomhehadnoinfluencewhatever，chosetodresshimselfuplikeanexaggeratedGUYFAWKES。
ThisshockingoldvagabondwassounutterablyshamelessThatheactuallywenta—courtingaveryrespectableandpiousmiddle—agedsister，bythenameofBIGGS。
Shewasaratherattractivewidow，whoselifeassuchhadalwaysbeenparticularlyblameless；
Herfirsthusbandhadleftherasecurebutmoderatecompetence，owingtosomefortunatespeculationsinthematteroffigs。
Shewasanexcellentpersonineveryway—andwontherespectevenofMRS。GRUNDY，Shewasagoodhousewife，too，andwouldn’thavewastedapennyifshehadownedtheKoh—i—noor。
ShewasjustasstrictashewaslaxinherobservanceofSunday，Andbeingagoodeconomist，andcharitablebesides，shetookallthebonesandcoldpotatoesandbrokenpie—crustsandcandle—ends（whenshehadquitedonewiththem），andmadethemintoanexcellentsoupforthedeservingpoor。
IamsorrytosaythatsherathertooktoBLAKE—thatoutcastofsociety，Andwhenrespectablebrotherswhowerefondofherbegantolookdubiousandtocough，Shewouldsay，"Oh，myfriends，it’sbecauseIhopetobringthispoorbenightedsoulbacktovirtueandpropriety，Andbesides，thepoorbenightedsoul，withallhisfaults，wasuncommonlywelloff。
AndwhenMR。BLAKE’Sdissipatedfriendscalledhisattentiontothefrownorthepoutofher，Wheneverhedidanythingwhichappearedtohertosavourofanunmentionableplace，Hewouldsaythat"shewouldbeaverydecentoldgirlwhenallthatnonsensewasknockedoutofher，"
Andhismethodofknockingitoutofherisonethatcoveredhimwithdisgrace。
ShewasfondofgoingtochurchservicesfourtimeseverySunday，and，fourorfivetimesintheweek，andneverseemedtopallofthem，Sohehuntedoutallthechurcheswithinaconvenientdistancethathadservicesatdifferenthours，sotospeak；
Andwhenhehadmarriedherhepositivelyinsistedupontheirgoingtoallofthem，SotheycontrivedtodoabouttwelvechurcheseverySunday，and，iftheyhadluck，fromtwenty—twototwenty—threeinthecourseoftheweek。
Shewasfondofdroppinghissovereignsostentatiouslyintotheplate，andshelikedtoseethemstandoutratherconspicuouslyagainstthecommonplacehalf—crownsandshillings，Sohetookhertoallthecharitysermons，andifbyanyextraordinarychancetherewasn’tacharitysermonanywhere，hewoulddropacoupleofsovereigns（oneforhimandoneforher）
intothepoor—boxatthedoor；
Andashealwaysdeductedthesumsthusgivenincharityfromthehousekeepingmoney，andthemoneyheallowedherforherbonnetsandfrillings，Shesoonbegantofindthatevencharity，ifyouallowittointerferewithyourpersonalluxuries，becomesanintolerablebore。
OnSundaysshewasalwaysmelancholyandanythingbutgoodsociety，Forthatdayinherhouseholdwasadayofsighingsandsobbingsandwringingofhandsandshakingofheads：
Shewouldn’thearofabuttonbeingsewnonaglove，becauseitwasaworkneitherofnecessitynorofpiety，Andstrictlyprohibitedherservantsfromamusingthemselves，orindeeddoinganythingatallexceptdustingthedrawing—rooms，cleaningthebootsandshoes，cookingtheparlourdinner，waitinggenerallyonthefamily，andmakingthebeds。
ButBLAKEevenwentfurtherthanthat，andsaidthatpeopleshoulddotheirownworksofnecessity，andnotdelegatethemtopersonsinamenialsituation，Sohewouldn’tallowhisservantstodosomuchasevenanswerabell。
Hereheismakinghiswifecarryupthewaterforherbathtothesecondfloor，muchagainstherinclination，—
AndwhyintheworldthegentlemanwhoillustratestheseballadshasputhiminacockedhatismorethanIcantell。
Afteraboutthreemonthsofthissortofthing，takingthesmoothwiththeroughofit，（Blackingherownbootsandpeelingherownpotatoeswasnothernotionofconnubialbliss），MRS。BLAKEbegantofindthatshehadprettynearlyhadenoughofit，Andcame，incourseoftime，tothinkthatBLAKE’Sownoriginallineofconductwasn’tsomuchamiss。
Andnowthatwickedperson—thatdetestablesinner（"BELIALBLAKE"
hisfriendsandwell—wisherscallhimforhisatrocities），Andhispoordeludedvictim，whomallherChristianbrothersdislikeandpityso，GototheparishchurchonlyonSundaymorningandafternoonandoccasionallyonaweek—day，andspendtheireveningsinconnubialfondlingsandaffectionatereciprocities，AndIshouldliketoknowwhereintheworld（orrather，outofit）
theyexpecttogo!
Ballad：THEBABY’SVENGEANCE。
WEARYatheartandextremelyillWasPALEYVOLLAIREofBromptonville，Inadirtylodging，withfeverdown，ClosetothePolygon，SomersTown。
PALEYVOLLAIREwasanonlyson（Forwhy？Hismotherhadhadbutone），AndPALEYinheritedgoldandgroundsWorthseveralhundredthousandpounds。
Buthe，likemanyarichyoungman，Throughthismagnificentfortuneran，AndnothingwasleftforhisdailyneedsButduplicatecopiesofmortgage—deeds。
Shabbyandsorryandsorelysick，Heslept，anddreamtthattheclock’s"tick，tick，"
WasoneoftheFates，withalongsharpknife，Snickingoffbitsofhisshortenedlife。
Hewokeandcountedthepipsonthewalls，Theoutdoorpassengers’loudfootfalls，Andreckonedallover，andreckonedagain，Thelittlewhitetuftsonhiscounterpane。
Amedicalmantohisbedsidecame。
（Ican’trememberthatdoctor’sname），Andsaid，"You’lldieinaveryshortwhileIfyoudon’tsetsailforMadeira’sisle。"
"GotoMadeira？goodnessme!
Ihaven’tthemoneytopayyourfee!"
"Then，PALEYVOLLAIRE，"saidtheleech，"goodbye；
I’llcomenomore，foryour’resuretodie。"
Hesighedandhegroanedandsmotehisbreast；
"Oh，send，"saidhe，"forFREDERICKWEST，Eresensesfadeormyeyesgrowdim：
I’veaterribletaletowhisperhim!"
PoorwasFREDERICK’Slotinlife，—
Adustmanhewithafairyoungwife，Aworthymanwithahard—earnedstore，Ahundredandseventypounds—ormore。
FREDERICKcame，andhesaid，"MaybeYou’llsaywhatyouhappenedtowantwithme？"
"Wrongedboy，"saidPALEYVOLLAIRE，"Iwill，Butdon’tyoufidgetyourself—sitstill。"
THETERRIBLETALE。
"’Tisnowsomethirty—sevenyearsagoSincefirstbegantheplotthatI’mrevealing，Afineyoungwoman，whomyououghttoknow，LivedwithherhusbanddowninDrumLane，Ealing。
Herselfbymeansofmanglingreimbursing，Andnowandthen（atintervals）wet—nursing。
"Twolittlebabesdweltintheirhumblecot：
Onewasherown—theotheronlylenttoher：
HEROWNSHESLIGHTED。TemptedbyalotOfgoldandsilverregularlysenttoher，SheministereduntothelittleotherInthecapacityoffoster—mother。
"IWASHEROWN。Oh!howIlayandsobbedInmypoorcradle—deeply，deeplycursingTherichman’spamperedbantling，whohadrobbedMyonlybirthright—anattentivenursing!
Sometimesinhatredofmyfoster—brother，Ignashedmygums—whichterrifiedmymother。
"Oneday—itwasquiteearlyintheweek—
IINMYCRADLEHAVINGPLACEDTHEBANTLING—
Creptintohis!Hehadnotlearnttospeak，ButIcouldseehisfacewithangermantling。
Itwasimprudent—well，disgracefulmaybe，For，oh!Iwasabad，blackheartedbaby!
"Sogreataluxurywasfood，IthinkNowickednessbutIwasgametotryforit。
NOWifIwantedanythingtodrinkAtanytime，Ionlyhadtocryforit!
ONCE，ifIdaredtoweep，thebottlelacking，Myblubberinginvolvedaserioussmacking!
"Wegrewupintheusualway—myfriend，Myfoster—brother，dailygrowingthinner，WhilegraduallyIbegantomend，Andthrivedamazinglyondoubledinner。
Andeveryone，besidesmyfoster—mother，Believedthateitherofuswastheother。
"IcameintoHISwealth—IboreHISname，Ibearitstill—HISpropertyIsquandered—
Imortgagedeverything—andnow（oh，shame!）
IntoaSomersTownshake—downI’vewandered!
IamnoPALEY—no，VOLLAIRE—it’strue，myboy!
TheonlyrightfulPALEYV。isYOU，myboy!
"AndallIhaveisyours—andyoursismine。
Istillmayplaceyouinyourtrueposition：
Givemethepoundsyou’vesaved，andI’llresignMynoblename，myrank，andmycondition。
SofarmywickednessinfalselyowningYourvastywealth，Iamatlastatoning!"
*******
FREDERICKhewasasimplesoul，Hepulledfromhispocketabulkyroll，AndgavetoPALEYhishard—earnedstore，Ahundredandseventypoundsormore。
PALEYVOLLAIRE，withmanyagroan，GaveFREDERICKallthathecalledhisown，—
Twoshirtsandasock，andavestofjean，AWellingtonbootandabamboocane。
AndFRED（entitledtoallthingsthere）
HetookthefeverfromMR。VOLLAIRE，WhichkilledpoorFREDERICKWEST。MeanwhileVOLLAIREsailedofftoMadeira’sisle。
Ballad：THECAPTAINANDTHEMERMAIDS。
ISINGalegendofthesea，Sohard—a—portuponyourlee!
Ashiponstarboardtack!
She’sbounduponaprivatecruise—
（ThisisthekindofspiceIuseTogiveasalt—seasmack）。
Behold，oneveryafternoon（SaveinagaleorstrongMonsoon）
GreatCAPTAINCAPELCLEGGS
（Greatmorally，thoughrathershort）
Satatanopenweather—portAndairedhisshapelylegs。
AndMermaidshungaroundinflocks，Oncablechainsanddistantrocks，Togazeuponthoselimbs；
Forlegslikethose，offleshandbone，Arethings"notgenerallyknown"
ToanyMermanTIMBS。
ButMermendidn’tseemtocareMuchtime（asfarasI’maware）
WithCLEGGS’Slegstospend；
ThoughMermaidsswamaroundalldayAndgazed，exclaiming，"THAT’SthewayAgentlemanshouldend!
"Apairoflegswithwell—cutknees，AndcalvesandanklessuchastheseWhichweinrapturehail，Arefarmoreeloquent，it’sclear（Whenclothedinsilkandkerseymere），Thananynastytail。"
AndCLEGGS—aworthykindoldboy—
Rejoicedtoaddtoothers’joy，And，whenthedaywasdry，Becauseitpleasedthelookers—on，Hesatfrommorntillnight—thoughcon—
Stitutionallyshy。
AtfirsttheMermenlaughed，"Pooh!pooh!"
Butfinallytheyjealousgrew，Andsoundedloudrecalls；
Butvainly。SothesefishymalesDeclaredtheytoowouldclothetheirtailsInsilkenhoseandsmalls。
Theysettowork，thesewater—men，Andmadetheirnetherrobes—butwhenTheydrewwithdaintytouchThekerseymereupontheirtails，Theyfounditscrapedagainsttheirscales，Andhurtthemverymuch。
Thesilk，besides，withwhichtheychoseTodecktheirtailsbywayofhose（Theyneverthoughtofshoon），Forsuchausewasmuchtoothin，—
Ittoreagainstthecaudalfin，And"wentinladders"soon。
Sotheydesignedanotherplan：
TheysenttheirmostseductivemanThisnotetohimtoshow—
"OurMonarchsendstoCAPTAINCLEGGS
Hishumblecompliments，andbegsHe’lljoinhimdownbelow；
"We’vepleasanthomesbelowthesea—
Besides，ifCAPTAINCLEGGSshouldbe（Asouradvicessay）
AjudgeofMermaids，hewillfindOurlady—fishofeverykindInspectionwillrepay。"
GoodCAPELsentakindreply，ForCAPELthoughthecoulddescryAnadmirableplanTostudyalltheirwaysandlaws—
（Butnottheirlady—fish，becauseHewasamarriedman）。
TheMermansank—theCaptaintooJumpedoverboard，anddroppedfromviewLikestonefromcatapult；
AndwhenhereachedtheMerman’slair，Hecertainlywaswelcomedthere，But，ah!withwhatresult？
Theydidn’tlethimlearntheirlaw，Ormakeanoteofwhathesaw，Orinterestingmem。：
Thelady—fishhecouldn’tfind，Butthat，ofcourse，hedidn’tmind—
Hedidn’tcomeforthem。
Forthough，whenCAPTAINCAPELsank，TheMermendrawnindoublerankGavehimaheartyhail，YetwhensecureofCAPTAINCLEGGS，Theycutoffbothhislovelylegs，AndgavehimSUCHatail!
WhenCAPTAINCLEGGSreturnedaboard，Hisblithesomecrewconvulsiveroar’d，Toseehimalteredso。
TheAdmiraltydidinsistThatheupontheHalf—payListImmediatelyshouldgo。
Invaindeclaredthepooroldsalt，"It’smymisfortune—notmyfault，"
Withtearandtremblinglip—
InvainpoorCAPELbeggedandbegged。
"AmanmustbecompletelyleggedWhorulesaBritishship。"
SospakethesternFirstLordaloud—
Hewasawag，thoughveryproud，Andmuchrejoicedtosay，"You’reonlyhalfacaptainnow—
Andso，myworthyfriend，IvowYou’llonlygethalf—pay!"
Ballad：ANNIEPROTHEROE。ALEGENDOFSTRATFORD—LE—BOW。
OH!listentothetaleoflittleANNIEPROTHEROE。
Shekeptasmallpost—officeintheneighbourhoodofBOW；
Shelovedaskilledmechanic，whowasfamousinhisday—
AgentleexecutionerwhosenamewasGILBERTCLAY。
IthinkIhearyousay，"Adreadfulsubjectforyourrhymes!"
Oreader，donotshrink—hedidn’tliveinmoderntimes!
Helivedsolongago（thesketchwillshowitataglance）
Thatallhisactionsglitterwiththelime—lightofRomance。
Inbusytimeshelabouredathisgentlecraftallday—
"NodoubtyoumeanhisCal—craft，"youamusinglywillsay—
But，no—hedidn’toperatewithcommonbitsofstring，HewasaPublicHeadsman，whichisquiteanotherthing。
Andwhenhisworkwasover，theywouldrambleo’erthelea，Andsitbeneaththefrondageofanelderberrytree，AndANNIE’Ssimpleprattleentertainedhimonhiswalk，Forpublicexecutionsformedthesubjectofhertalk。
Andsometimeshe’dexplaintoher，whichcharmedherverymuch，Howfamousoperatorsvaryverymuchintouch，Andthen，perhaps，he’dshowhowhehimselfperformedthetrick，Andillustratehismeaningwithapoppyandastick。
Or，ifitrained，thelittlemaidwouldstopathome，andlookAthisfavourablenotices，allpastedinabook，Andthenhercheekwouldflush—herswimmingeyeswoulddancewithjoyInaglowofadmirationattheprowessofherboy。
Onesummereve，atsupper—time，thegentleGILBERTsaid（AshehelpedhisprettyANNIEtoasliceofcollaredhead），"ThisremindsmeImustsettleonthenextensuingdayThehashofthatunmitigatedvillainPETERGRAY。"
HesawhisANNIEtrembleandhesawhisANNIEstart，Herchangingcolourtrumpetedtheflutteratherheart；
YoungGILBERT’Smanlybosomroseandsankwithjealousfear，Andhesaid，"OgentleANNIE，what’sthemeaningofthishere？"
AndANNIEanswered，blushinginaninterestingway，"Youthink，nodoubt，I’msighingforthatfelonPETERGRAY：
ThatIwashisyoungwomanisunquestionablytrue，ButnotsinceIbegana—keepingcompanywithyou。"
ThenGILBERT，whowasirritable，roseandloudlysworeHe’dknowthereasonwhyifsherefusedtotellhimmore；
Andsheanswered（allthewomaninherflashingfromhereyes）
"Youmustn’tasknoquestions，andyouwon’tbetoldnolies!
"Fewlovershavetheprivilegeenjoyed，mydear，byyou，Ofchoppingoffarival’sheadandquarteringhimtoo!
Ofvengeance，dear，to—morrowyouwillsurelytakeyourfill!"
AndGILBERTgroundhismolarsasheansweredher，"Iwill!"
YoungGILBERTrosefromtablewithasterndeterminedlook，And，frowning，tookaninexpensivehatchetfromitshook；
AndANNIEwatchedhismovementswithaninterestedair—
Forthemorrow—forthemorrowhewasgoingtoprepare!
Hechippeditwithahammerandhechoppeditwithabill，Hepouredsulphuricacidontheedgeofit，untilThisterribleAvengeroftheMajestyofLawWasfarlesslikeahatchetthanadissipatedsaw。
AndANNIEsaid，"OGILBERT，dear，IdonotunderstandWhyeveryouareinjuringthathatchetinyourhand？’
Hesaid，"ItisintendedfortolacerateandflayTheneckofthatunmitigatedvillainPETERGRAY!"
"Now，GILBERT，"ANNIEanswered，"wickedheadsman，justbeware—
Iwon’thavePETERtorturedwiththathorribleaffair；
Ifyouappearwiththat，youmaydependyou’llruetheday。"
ButGILBERTsaid，"Oh，shallI？"whichwasjusthisnastyway。
Hesawalookofangerfromhereyesdistinctlydart，ForANNIEwasawoman，andhadpityinherheart!
Shewishedhimagoodevening—heansweredwithaglare；
Sheonlysaid，"Remember，foryourANNIEwillbethere!"
********
ThemorrowGILBERTboldlyonthescaffoldtookhisstand，Withavizoronhisfaceandwithahatchetinhishand，AndallthepeoplenoticedthattheEngineoftheLawWasfarlesslikeahatchetthanadissipatedsaw。
Thefelonverycoollyloosedhiscollarandhisstock，Andplacedhiswickedheaduponthehandylittleblock。
ThehatchetwasupliftedfortosettlePETERGRAY，WhenGILBERTplainlyheardawoman’svoiceexclaiming，"Stay!"
’TwasANNIE，gentleANNIE，asyou’lleasilybelieve。
"OGILBERT，youmustsparehim，forIbringhimareprieve，ItcamefromourHomeSecretarymanyweeksago，Andpassedthroughthatpost—officewhichIusedtokeepatBow。
"Ilovedyou，lovedyoumadly，andyouknowit，GILBERTCLAY，AndasI’dquitesurrenderedallideaofPETERGRAY，Iquietlysuppressedit，asyou’llclearlyunderstand，ForIthoughtitmightbeawkwardifhecameandclaimedmyhand。
"Inangeratmysecret（whichIcouldnottellbefore），TolaceratepoorPETERGRAYvindictivelyyouswore；
Itoldyouifyouusedthatbluntedaxeyou’druetheday，Andsoyouwill，youngGILBERT，forI’llmarryPETERGRAY!"
[ANDSOSHEDID。
Ballad：ANUNFORTUNATELIKENESS。
I’VEpaintedSHAKESPEAREallmylife—
"Aninfant"（eventhenat"play"!）
"Aboy，"withstage—ambitionrife，Then"MarriedtoANNHATHAWAY。"
"Thebard’sfirstticketnight"（or"ben。"），His"Firstappearanceonthestage，"
His"Callbeforethecurtain"—then"Rejoicingswhenhecameofage。"
Thebardplay—writinginhisroom，Thebardahumblelawyer’sclerk。
Thebardalawyer（3）—parson（4）—groom（5）—
Thebarddeer—stealing，afterdark。
Thebardatradesman（6）—andaJew（7）—
Thebardabotanist（8）—abeak（9）—
Thebardaskilledmusician（10）too—
Asheriff（11）andasurgeon（12）eke!
Yetcriticssay（afriendlystock）
That，thoughit’sevidentItry，YetevenIcanbarelymockTheglimmerofhiswondrouseye!
OnemorningasaworkIframed，Therepassedaperson，walkinghard：
"Mygraciousgoodness，"Iexclaimed，"Howverylikemydearoldbard!
"Oh，whatamodelhewouldmake!"
Irushedoutside—impulsiveme!—
"ForgivethelibertyItake，Butyou’resovery"—"Stop!"saidhe。
"Youneedn’twasteyourbreathortime，—
Iknowwhatyouaregoingtosay，—
Thatyou’reanartist，andthatI’mRemarkablylikeSHAKESPEARE。Eh？
"YouwishthatIwouldsittoyou？"
Iclaspedhimmadlyroundthewaist，Andbreathlesslyreplied，"Ido!"
"Allright，"saidhe，"butpleasemakehaste。"
Iledhimbyhishallowedsleeve，Andworkedawayathimapace，Ipaintedhimtilldewyeve，—
Thereneverwasanoblerface!
"Oh，sir，"Isaid，"afortunegrandIsyours，bydintofmerestchance，—
TosportHISbrowatsecond—hand，TowearHIScast—offcountenance!
"TorubHISeyeswhene’ertheyache—
TowearHISbaldnessereyou’reold—
TocleanHISteethwhenyouawake—
ToblowHISnosewhenyou’veacold!"
Hiseyeballsglistenedinhiseyes—
Isatandwatchedandsmokedmypipe；
"Bravo!"Isaid，"IrecognizeThephrensyofyourprototype!"
Hisscantyhairhewildlytore：
"That’sright，"saidI，"itshowsyourbreed。"
Hedanced—hestamped—hewildlyswore—
"Blessme，that’sveryfineindeed!"
"Sir，"saidthegrandShakesperianboy（Continuingtoblazeaway），"Youthinkmyfaceasourceofjoy；
Thatshowsyouknownotwhatyousay。
"Forgivetheseyellsandcellar—flaps：
I’malwaysthrowninsomesuchstateWhenonhisfacewell—meaningchapsThiswretchedmancongratulate。
"For，oh!thisface—thispointedchin—
Thisnose—thisbrow—theseeyeballstoo，HavealwaysbeentheoriginOfallthewoesIeverknew!
"IftotheplaymywayIfind，ToseeagrandShakesperianpiece，Ihavenorest，noeaseofmindUntiltheauthor’spuppetscease。
"Mennudgeeachother—thus—andsay，’ThiscertainlyisSHAKESPEARE’Sson，’
Andmerrywags（ofcourseinplay）
Cry’Author!’whenthepieceisdone。
"Inchurchthepeoplestareatme，Theirsoulthesermonneverbinds；
Icatchthemlookingroundtosee，AndthoughtsofSHAKESPEAREfilltheirminds。
"Andsculptors，fraughtwithcunningwile，WhofinditdifficulttocrownAbustwithBROWN’Sinsipidsmile，OrTOMKINS’Sunmanneredfrown，"Yetboldlymakemyfacetheirown，When（oh，presumption!）theyrequireToanimateapaving—stoneWithSHAKESPEARE’Sintellectualfire。
"Atpartieswhereyoungladiesgaze，AndIattempttospeakmyjoy，’Hush，pray，’somelovelycreaturesays，’Thefondillusiondon’tdestroy!’
"Whene’erIspeak，mysouliswrungWiththeseorsomesuchwhisperings：
’’TispitythataSHAKESPEARE’StongueShouldsaysuchun—Shakesperianthings!’
"IshouldnotthusbecriticisedHadIafaceofcommonwont：
Don’tenvyme—now，beadvised!"
And，nowIthinkofit，Idon’t!
Ballad：THEKINGOFCANOODLE—DUM。
THEstoryofFREDERICKGOWLER，Amarinerofthesea，Whoquittedhisship，theHOWLER，A—sailinginCaribbee。
Formanyadayhewandered，TillhemetinastateofrumCALAMITYPOPVONPEPPERMINTDROP，TheKingofCanoodle—Dum。
Thatmonarchaddressedhimgaily，"Hum!Gollydedoto—day？
Hum!Lily—whiteBuckraSailee"—
（Younoticehisplayfulway？）—
"Whatdickensyoudoin’here，sar？
Whydebbilyouwanttocome？
Hum!Picaninnee，dereisn’tnoseaInCityCanoodle—Dum!"
AndGOWLERheansweredsadly，"Oh，mineisadolefultale!
They’vetreatedmewerrybadlyInLunnon，fromwhereIhail。
I’moneoftheFamilyRoyal—
NocommonJackTaryousee；
I’mWILLIAMTHEFOURTH，farupintheNorth，AKinginmyowncountree!"
Bang—bang!Howthetom—tomsthundered!
Bang—bang!Howtheythumpedthisgongs!
Bang—bang!Howthepeoplewondered!
Bang—bang!Atithammerandtongs!
AlliancewithKingsofEuropeIsanhonourCanoodlersseek，Hermonarchsdon’tstopwithPEPPERMINTDROP
Everydayintheweek!
FREDtoldthemthathewasundone，Forhispeopleallwentinsane，AndfiredtheTowerofLondon，AndGrinnidge’sNavalFane。
AndsomeofthemrackedSt。James’s，AndventedtheirrageuponTheChurchofSt。Paul，theFishmongers’Hall，AndtheAngelatIslington。
CALAMITYPOPimploredhimInhiscapitaltoremainTillthosepeopleofhisrestoredhimTopowerandrankagain。
CALAMITYPOPhemadehimAPrinceofCanoodle—Dum，Withacoupleofcaves，somebeautifulslaves，Andtherunoftheroyalrum。
Popgavehimhisonlydaughter，HUMPICKETYWIMPLETIP：
FREDvowedthatifoverthewaterHewent，inanEnglishship，He’dmakeherhisQueen，—thoughtrulyItisanunusualthingForaCaribbeebratwho’sasblackasyourhatTobewifeofanEnglishKing。
AndalltheCanoodle—DummersTheycopiedhisrollingwalk，Hismethodofdrainingrummers，Hisemblematicaltalk。
Forhisdressandhisgracefulbreeding，Hisdelicatetasteinrum，Andhisnauticalway，werethetalkofthedayIntheCourtofCanoodle—Dum。
CALAMITYPOPmostwiselyDeterminedineverythingTomodelhisCourtpreciselyOnthatoftheEnglishKing；
AndorderedthateveryladyAndeverylady’slordShouldmasticatejacky（akindoftobaccy），Andscatteritsjuiceabroad。
TheysignifiedwonderroundlyAtanyastoundingyarn，Bydarningtheirdeareyesroundly（’Twasalltheyhadtodarn）。
They"hoistedtheirslacks，"adjustingGarmentsofplantain—leavesWithnauticaltwitches（asiftheyworebreeches，InsteadofadresslikeEVE’S!）
Theyshiveredtheirtimbersproudly，Ataphantomforelockdragged，AndcalledforahornpipeloudlyWheneveramusementflagged。
"Hum!Golly!himPOPresemble，HimBritishersov’reign，hum!
CALAMITYPOPVONPEPPERMINTDROP，DeKingofCanoodle—Dum!"
Themariner’slively"Hollo!"
EnlivenedCanoodle’splain（ForblessingsunnumberedfollowInCivilization’strain）。
ButFortune，wholovesabathos，Aterribleendingplanned，ForADMIRALD。CHICKABIDDY，C。B。，PlacedfootonCanoodleland!
Thatrebel，heseizedKINGGOWLER，Hethreatenedhisroyalbrains，AndputhimaboardtheHOWLER，Andfastenedhimdownwithchains。
TheHOWLERsheweighedheranchor，WithFREDERICKnicelynailed，AndofftotheNorthwithWILLIAMTHEFOURTH
Thesehorriblepiratessailed。
CALAMITYsaid（withfolly），"Hum!nebberwanthimagain—
Himcivilizeallofus，golly!
CALAMITYsuckhimbrain!"
Thepeople，however，werepainedwhenTheysawhimaboardhisship，ButnoneofthemweptfortheirFREDDY，exceptHUMPICKETYWIMPLETIP。
Ballad：THEMARTINET。
SOMEtimeago，insimpleverseIsangthestorytrueOfCAPTAINREECE，theMANTELPIECE，Andallherhappycrew。
IshowedhowanycaptainmayAttachhismentohim，Ifhebutheedstheirsmallestneeds，Andstudieseverywhim。
Nowmarkhow，byDraconicruleAndHAUTEURill—advised，ThenoblestcrewupontheBlueMaybedemoralized。
WhenhisungratefulcountryplacedKindREECEuponhalf—pay，WithoutmuchclaimSIRBERKELYcame，Andtookcommandoneday。
SIRBERKELYwasamartinet—
Asternunyieldingsoul—
WhoruledhisshipbydintofwhipAndhorribleblack—hole。
AsailorwhowasovercomeFromhavingfreelydined，Andchancedtoreelwhenatthewheel，Heinstantlyconfined!
Andtarswho，whenanactionraged，Appearedalarmedorscared，Andthosebelowwhowishedtogo，Heveryseldomspared。
E’enhewhosmotehisofficerForpunishmentwasbooked，AndmutiniesupontheseasHerarelyoverlooked。
Inshort，thehappyMANTELPIECE，Whereallhadgonesowell，BeneaththatfoolSIRBERKELY’SruleBecameafloatinghell。
WhenfirstSIRBERKELYcameaboardHereadaspeechtoall，Andtoldthemhowhe’dmadeavowToactonduty’scall。
ThenWILLIAMLEE，heupandsaid（TheCaptain’scoxswainhe），"We’veheardthespeechyourhonour’smade，Andwerrypleasedwebe。
"Wewon’tpretend，mylad，ashowWe’regladtoloseourREECE；
Urbane，polite，hesuitedquiteThesaucyMANTELPIECE。
"ButifyourhonourgivesyourmindTostudyallourways，Withdanceandsongwe’lljogalongAsinthosehappydays。
"Ilikeyourhonour’slooks，andfeelYou’reworthyofyoursword。
Yourhand，mylad—I’mdoosidgladTowelcomeyouaboard!"
SIRBERKELYlookedamazed，asthoughHedidn’tunderstand。
"Don’tshakeyourhead，"goodWILLIAMsaid，"Itisanhonesthand。
"It’sgraspedabetterhandthanyourn—
Come，gov’nor，Iinsist!"
TheCaptainstared—thecoxswainglared—
Thehandbecameafist!
"Down，upstart!"saidthehardysalt；
ButBERKELYdodgedhisaim，Andmadehimgoinchainsbelow：
Theseamenmurmured"Shame!"
Hestoppedallsongsat12p。m。，Stoppedhornpipeswhenatsea，Andsworehiscot（orbunk）shouldnotBeusedbyaughtthanhe。
Heneverjoinedtheirdailymess，Noraskedthemtohisown，ButchaffedingayandsocialwayTheofficersalone。
HisFirstLieutenant，PETER，wasAsuselessascouldbe，Ahelplessstick，andalwayssickWhentherewasanysea。
ThisFirstLieutenantprovedtobeHisfoster—sisterMAY，WhowenttoseaforloveofheInmasculinearray。
Andwhenhelearntthecuriousfact，Didheemotionshow，OrdryhertearsorendherfearsBymarryingher？No!
OrdidheeventrytosootheThismaideninherteens？
Oh，no!—insteadhemadeherwedTheSergeantofMarines!
OfcoursesuchSpartandisciplineWouldmakeanangelfret；
Theydrewalot，andWILLIAMshotThisfearfulmartinet。
TheAdmiraltysawhowillThey’dtreatedCAPTAINREECE；
HewasrestoredoncemoreaboardThesaucyMANTELPIECE。
Ballad：THESAILORBOYTOHISLASS。
IGOawaythisblessedday，Tosailacrossthesea，MATILDA!
MyvesselstartsforvariouspartsAttwentyafterthree，MATILDA。
Ihardlyknowwherewemaygo，Orifit’snearorfar，MATILDA，ForCAPTAINHYDEdoesnotconfideInany’fore—masttar，MATILDA!
BeneathmybanthatmysticmanShallsuffer，COUTEQUICOUTE，MATILDA!
WhatrighthashetokeepfrommeTheAdmiraltyroute，MATILDA？
Because，forsooth!IamayouthOfcommonsailors’lot，MATILDA!
AmIamanonhumanplanDesigned，oramInot，MATILDA？
Butthere，mylass，we’llletthatpass!
WithanxiousloveIburn，MATILDA。
IwanttoknowifweshallgoTochurchwhenIreturn，MATILDA？
Youreyesarered，youbowyourhead；
It’sprettyclearyouthirst，MATILDA，Tonametheday—What’sthatyousay？
—"You’llseemefurtherfirst，"MATILDA？
Ican’tmistakethesignsyoumake，Althoughyoubarelyspeak，MATILDA；
Thoughpureandyoung，youthrustyourtongueRightinyourprettycheek，MATILDA!
Mydear，IfearIhearyousneer—
Ido—I’msureIdo，MATILDA!
Withsimplegraceyoumakeaface，Ejaculating，"Ugh!"MATILDA。
Oh，pausetothinkbeforeyoudrinkThedregsofLethe’scup，MATILDA!
Remember，do，whatI’vegonethrough，Beforeyougivemeup，MATILDA!
RecallagainthementalpainOfwhatI’vehadtodo，MATILDA!
AndbeassuredthatI’veenduredIt，allalongofyou，MATILDA!
Doyouforget，myblithesomepet，Howoncewithjealousrage，MATILDA，IwatchedyouwalkandgailytalkWithsomeonethriceyourage，MATILDA？
Yousquattedfreeuponhisknee，Asightthatmademesad，MATILDA!
Youpinchedhischeekwithfriendlytweak，Whichalmostdrovememad，MATILDA!
Iknewhimnot，buthopedtospotSomemanyouthoughttowed，MATILDA!
Itookagun，mydarlingone，Andshothimthroughthehead，MATILDA!
I’mmadeofstuffthat’sroughandgruffEnough，Iown；but，ah，MATILDA!
ItDIDannoyyoursailorboyTofinditwasyourpa，MATILDA!
I’vepassedalifeoftoilandstrife，Anddisappointmentsdeep，MATILDA；
I’velainawakewithdentalacheUntilIfellasleep，MATILDA!
AttimesagainI’vemissedatrain，Orp’rhapsrunshortoftin，MATILDA，Andwornabootoncornsthatshoot，Or，shaving，cutmychin，MATILDA。
But，oh!notrains—nodentalpains—
BelievemewhenIsay，MATILDA，Nocornsthatshoot—nopinchingbootUponasummerday，MATILDA—
It’smybelief，couldcausesuchgriefAsthatI’vesufferedfor，MATILDA，MyhavingshotinvitalspotYouroldprogenitor，MATILDA。
BethinkyouhowI’vekeptthevowImadeonewinterday，MATILDA—
That，comewhatcould，IneverwouldRemaintoolongaway，MATILDA。
And，oh!thecrimeswithwhich，attimes，I’vechargedmygentlemind，MATILDA，TokeepthevowImade—andnowYoutreatmesounkind，MATILDA!
Forwhenatsea，offCaribbee，Ifeltmypassionburn，MATILDA，Bypassionegged，IwentandbeggedThecaptaintoreturn，MATILDA。
Andwhen，mypet，Icouldn’tgetThatcaptaintoagree，MATILDA，RightthroughasortofopenportIpitchedhiminthesea，MATILDA!
Remember，too，howallthecrewWithindignationblind，MATILDA，Distinctlysworetheyne’erbeforeHadthoughtmesounkind，MATILDA。
Andhowthey’dshunmeonebyone—
Anunforgivinggroup，MATILDA—
IstoppedtheirhowlsandsulkyscowlsBypizeningtheirsoup，MATILDA!
Sopausetothink，beforeyoudrinkThedregsofLethe’scup，MATILDA；
Remember，do，whatI’vegonethrough，Beforeyougivemeup，MATILDA。
RecallagainthementalpainOfwhatI’vehadtodo，MATILDA，AndbeassuredthatI’veenduredIt，allalongofyou，MATILDA!
Ballad：THEREVERENDSIMONMAGUS。
ARICHadvowson，highlyprized，Forprivatesalewasadvertised；
Andmanyaparsonmadeabid；
TheREVERENDSIMONMAGUSdid。
Hesoughttheagent’s："Agent，I
Havecomepreparedatoncetobuy（Ifyourdemandisnottoobig）
TheCureofOtium—cum—Digge。"
"Ah!"saidtheagent，"THERE’Saberth—
Thesnuggestvicarageonearth；
Nosortofduty（soIhear），Andfifteenhundredpoundsayear!
"Ifonthepriceweshouldagree，Thelivingsoonwillvacantbe；
Thegoodincumbent’sninetyfive，Andcannotverylongsurvive。
See—here’shisphotograph—yousee，He’sinhisdotage。""Ah，dearme!
Poorsoul!"saidSIMON。"HisdeceaseWouldbeamercifulrelease!"
Theagentlaughed—theagentblinked—
Theagentblewhisnoseandwinked—
Andpokedtheparson’sribsinplay—
Itwasthatagent’svulgarway。
TheREVERENDSIMONfrowned："IgrieveThislightdemeanourtoperceive；
It’sscarcelyCOMMEILFAUT，Ithink：
Now—prayobligeme—donotwink。
"Don’tdigmywaistcoatintoholes—
YourmissionistosellthesoulsOfhumansheepandhumankidsTothatdivinewhohighestbids。
"Dowellinthis，andonyourheadUnnumberedhonourswillbeshed。"
Theagentsaid，"Well，truthtotell，IHAVEbeendoingverywell。"
"Youshould，"saidSIMON，"atyourage；
Butnowabouttheparsonage。
Howmanyroomsdoesitcontain？
Showmethephotographagain。
"Apoorapostle’shumblehouseMustnotbetooluxurious；
Nostatelyhallswithoakenfloor—
Itshouldbedecentandnomore。
"Nobilliard—rooms—nostatelytrees—
Nocroquet—groundsorpineries。"
"Ah!"sighedtheagent，"verytrue：
Thispropertywon’tdoforyou。"
"Alltheseaboutthehouseyou’llfind。"—
"Well，"saidtheparson，"nevermind；
I’llmanagetosubmittotheseLuxurioussuperfluities。
"AclergymanwhodoesnotshirkThevariouscallsofChristianwork，WillhavenoleisuretoemployThese’commonforms’ofworldlyjoy。
"TopreachthreetimesonSabbathdays—
Toweanthelostfromwickedways—
Thesicktosoothe—thesanetowed—
Thepoortofeedwithmeatandbread；
"ThesearethevariouswholesomewaysInwhichI’llspendmynightsanddays：
MyzealwillhavenotimetocoolAtcroquet，archery，orpool。"
Theagentsaid，"FromwhatIhear，Thislivingwillnotsuit，Ifear—
Therearenopoor，nosickatall；
Forservicesthereisnocall。"
Thereverendgentlookedgrave，"Dearme!
ThenthereisNO’society’？—
Imean，ofcourse，nosinnersthereWhosesoulswillbemyspecialcare？"
Thecunningagentshookhishead，"No，none—except"—（theagentsaid）—
"TheDUKEOFA。，theEARLOFB。，TheMARQUISC。，andVISCOUNTD。
"Butyouwillnotbequitealone，Forthoughthey’vechaplainsoftheirown，Ofcoursethisnoblewell—bredclanReceivetheparishclergyman。"
"Oh，silence，sir!"saidSIMONM。，"Dukes—Earls!WhatshouldIcareforthem？
TheseworldlyranksIscornandflout!"
"Ofcourse，"theagentsaid，"nodoubt!"
"YetImightshowthesemenofbirthThehollownessofrankonearth。"
Theagentanswered，"Verytrue—
ButIshouldnot，ifIwereyou。"
"Whosellsthisrichadvowson，pray？"
Theagentwinked—itwashisway—
"HisnameisHART；’twixtmeandyou，Heis，I’mgrievedtosay，aJew!"
"AJew？"saidSIMON，"happyfind!
Ipurchasethisadvowson，mind。
MylifeshallbedevotedtoConvertingthatunhappyJew!"
Ballad：MYDREAM。
THEothernight，fromcaresexempt，Islept—andwhatd’youthinkIdreamt？
IdreamtthatsomehowIhadcomeTodwellinTopsy—Turveydom—
Whereviceisvirtue—virtue，vice：
Whereniceisnasty—nasty，nice：
Whererightiswrongandwrongisright—
Wherewhiteisblackandblackiswhite。
Wherebabies，muchtotheirsurprise，Arebornastonishinglywise；
WitheveryScienceontheirlips，AndArtatalltheirfinger—tips。
For，astheirnursesdandlethemTheycrowbinomialtheorem，Withviews（itseemsabsurdtous）
Ondifferentialcalculus。
Butthoughababe，asIhavesaid，Isbornwithlearninginhishead，Hemustforgetit，ifhecan，Beforehecallshimselfaman。
Forthatwhichwecallfollyhere，Iswisdominthatfavouredsphere；
ThewisdomwesohighlyprizeIsblatantfollyintheireyes。
Aboy，ifhewouldpushhisway，Mustlearnsomenonsenseeveryday；
Andcut，tocarryoutthisview，Hiswisdomteethandwisdomtoo。
Historiansburntheirmidnightoils，Intentongiant—killers’toils；
AndsagesclosetheiragedeyesToothersages’lullabies。
Ourmagistrates，indutybound，Commitallrobberswhoarefound；
ButtheretheBeaks（sopeoplesaid）
Commitallrobberiesinstead。
OurJudges，pureandwiseintone，Knowcrimefromtheoryalone，AndgleanthemotivesofathiefFrombooksandpopularbelief。
Butthere，aJudgewhowantstoprimeHismindwithtrueideasofcrime，DerivesthemfromthecommonsenseOfpracticalexperience。
PolicemenmarchallfolksawayWhopractisevirtueeveryday—
Ofcourse，Imeantosay，youknow，Whatwecallvirtueherebelow。
ForonlyscoundrelsdaretodoWhatweconsiderjustandtrue，Andonlygoodmendo，infact，Whatweshouldthinkadirtyact。
Butstrangestofthesesocialtwirls，Thegirlsareboys—theboysaregirls!
Themenarewomen，too—butthen，PERCONTRA，womenallaremen。
ToonewhototraditionclingsThisseemsanawkwardstateofthings，Butiftothinkitoutyoutry，Itdoesn’treallysignify。
Withthem，assurelyascanbe，Asailorshouldbesickatsea，AndnotapassengermaysailWhocannotsmokerightthroughagale。
Asoldier（savebyrarestluck）
Isalwaysshotforshowingpluck（Thatis，ifotherscanbefoundWithpluckenoughtofirearound）。
"Howstrange!"IsaidtooneIsaw；
"Youquiteupsetoureverylaw。
HowevercanyougetalongSosystematicallywrong？"
"Dearme!"mymadinformantsaid，"Haveyounoeyeswithinyourhead？
Yousneerwhenyouyourhatshoulddoff：
Why，webeginwhereyouleaveoff!
"YourwisestmenareveryfarLesslearnedthanourbabiesare!"
Imusedawhile—andthen，ohme!
Iframedthisbrilliantrepartee：
"AlthoughyourbabesarewiserfarThanourmostvaluedsagesare，Yoursages，withtheirtoysandcots，Aredullerthanouridiots!"
Butthisremark，Igrievetostate，CamejustalittlebittoolateForasIframeditinmyhead，Iwokeandfoundmyselfinbed。
StillIcouldwishthat，’steadofhere，Mylotwereinthatfavouredsphere!—
WheregreatestfoolsbearoffthebellIoughttodoextremelywell。
Ballad：THEBISHOPOFRUM—TI—FOOAGAIN。
IOFTENwonderwhetheryouThinksometimesofthatBishop，whoFromblackbutbalmyRum—ti—FooLastsummertwelvemonthcame。
UntoyourmindIp’r’apsmaybringRemembranceofthemanIsingTo—day，bysimplymentioningThatPETERwashisname。
RememberhowthatholymanCamewiththegreatColonialclanToSynod，calledPan—Anglican；
AndkindlyrecollectHow，havingcrossedtheoceanwide，TopleasehisflockallmeanshetriedConsistentwithaproperprideAndmanlyself—respect。
Heonly，ofthereverendpackWhoministertoChristiansblack，BroughtanyusefulknowledgebackTohisColonialfold。
InconsequenceaplaceIclaimFor"PETER"onthescrollofFame（ForPETERwasthatBishop’sname，AsI’vealreadytold）。
HecarriedArt，heoftensaid，Toplaceswherethattimidmaid（SavebyColonialBishops’aid）
Couldneverhopetoroam。
ThePayne—cum—LaurifeathetaughtAshehadlearntit；forhethoughtThechoicestfruitsofProgressoughtToblesstheNegro’shome。
Andhehadotherworktodo，For，whilehetossedupontheBlue，TheislandersofRum—ti—FooForgottheirkindlyfriend。
Theirdecentclothestheylearnttotear—
Theylearnttosay，"Idonotcare，"
Thoughthey，ofcourse，werewellawareHowfolks，whosayso，end。
Somesailors，whomhedidnotknow，Hadlandedtherenotlongago，Andtaughtthem"Bother!"also，"Blow!"
（Ofwickednessthegerms）。
Noneedtouseacasuist’spenToprovethattheyweremerchantmen；
NosailoroftheRoyalN。
Wouldusesuchawfulterms。
Andso，whenBISHOPPETERcame（ThatwasthekindlyBishop’sname），Heheardthesedreadfuloathswithshame，Andchidtheirwantofdress。
（Exceptashell—abanglerare—
Afeatherhere—afeatherthereTheSouthPacificNegroeswearTheirnativenothingness。）
HetaughtthemthataBishoploathesTolistentodisgracefuloaths，Hegavethemallhisleft—offclothes—
Theybentthemtohiswill。