第1章
PREFACE。
THE"BABBALLADS"appearedoriginallyinthecolumnsof"FUN，"
whenthatperiodicalwasundertheeditorshipofthelateTOMHOOD。
Theyweresubsequentlyrepublishedintwovolumes，onecalled"THE
BABBALLADS，"theother"MOREBABBALLADS。"Theperiodduringwhichtheywerewrittenextendedoversomethreeorfouryears；
many，however，werecomposedhastily，andunderthediscomfortingnecessityofhavingtoturnoutaquantityoflivelyversebyacertaindayineveryweek。Asitseemedtome（andtoothers）thatthevolumesweredisfiguredbythepresenceofthesehastilywrittenimpostors，IthoughtitbettertowithdrawfrombothvolumessuchBalladsasseemedtoshowevidenceofcarelessnessorunduehaste，andtopublishtheremainderinthecompactformunderwhichtheyarenowpresentedtothereader。
Itmayinterestsometoknowthatthefirstoftheseries，"TheYarnoftheNANCYBELL，"wasoriginallyofferedto"PUNCH，"—towhichIwas，atthattime，anoccasionalcontributor。Itwas，however，declinedbythethenEditor，onthegroundthatitwas"toocannibalisticforhisreaders’tastes。"
W。S。GILBERT。
24THEBOLTONS，SOUTHKENSINGTON，AUGUST，1876。
Ballad：CAPTAINREECE。
OFalltheshipsupontheblue，NoshipcontainedabettercrewThanthatofworthyCAPTAINREECE，CommandingofTHEMANTELPIECE。
Hewasadoredbyallhismen，ForworthyCAPTAINREECE，R。N。，DidallthatlaywithinhimtoPromotethecomfortofhiscrew。
Ifevertheyweredullorsad，Theircaptaindancedtothemlikemad，Ortold，tomakethetimepassby，Drolllegendsofhisinfancy。
Afeatherbedhadeveryman，Warmslippersandhot—watercan，Brownwindsorfromthecaptain’sstore，Avalet，too，toeveryfour。
Didtheywiththirstinsummerburn，Lo，seltzogenesateveryturn，AndonallverysultrydaysCreamiceshandedroundontrays。
ThencurrantwineandgingerpopsStoodhandilyonallthe"tops；"
Andalso，withamusementrife，A"Zoetrope，orWheelofLife。"
NewvolumescameacrosstheseaFromMISTERMUDIE’Slibraree；
THETIMESandSATURDAYREVIEW
Beguiledtheleisureofthecrew。
Kind—heartedCAPTAINREECE，R。N。，Wasquitedevotedtohismen；
Inpointoffact，goodCAPTAINREECE
BeatifiedTHEMANTELPIECE。
Onesummereve，athalf—pastten，Hesaid（addressingallhismen）：
"Come，tellme，please，whatIcandoTopleaseandgratifymycrew。
"ByanyreasonableplanI’llmakeyouhappyifIcan；
MyownconveniencecountasNIL：
Itismyduty，andIwill。"
ThenupandansweredWILLIAMLEE
（Thekindlycaptain’scoxswainhe，Anervous，shy，low—spokenman），Heclearedhisthroatandthusbegan：
"Youhaveadaughter，CAPTAINREECE，Tenfemalecousinsandaniece，AMa，ifwhatI’mtoldistrue，Sixsisters，andanauntortwo。
"Now，somehow，sir，itseemstome，Morefriendly—likeweallshouldbe，Ifyouunitedof’emtoUnmarriedmembersofthecrew。
"Ifyou’dameliorateourlife，Leteachselectfromthemawife；
Andasfornervousme，oldpal，Givemeyourownenchantinggal!"
GoodCAPTAINREECE，thatworthyman，Debatedonhiscoxswain’splan：
"Iquiteagree，"hesaid，"OBILL；
Itismyduty，andIwill。
"Mydaughter，thatenchantinggurl，HasjustbeenpromisedtoanEarl，AndallmyotherfamileeTopeersofvariousdegree。
"ButwhataredukesandviscountstoThehappinessofallmycrew？
ThewordIgaveyouI’llfulfil；
Itismyduty，andIwill。
"Asyoudesireitshallbefall，I’llsettlethousandsonyouall，AndIshallbe，despitemyhoard，Theonlybacheloronboard。"
TheboatswainofTHEMANTELPIECE，HeblushedandspoketoCAPTAINREECE：
"Ibegyourhonour’sleave，"hesaid；
"Ifyouwouldwishtogoandwed，"IhaveawidowedmotherwhoWouldbetheverythingforyou—
Shelonghaslovedyoufromafar：
Shewashesforyou，CAPTAINR。"
TheCaptainsawthedamethatday—
Addressedherinhisplayfulway—
"Anddiditwantaweddingring？
Itwasatemptingicklesing!
"Well，well，thechaplainIwillseek，We’llallbemarriedthisdayweekAtyonderchurchuponthehill；
Itismyduty，andIwill!"
Thesisters，cousins，aunts，andniece，AndwidowedMaofCAPTAINREECE，Attendedthereastheywerebid；
Itwastheirduty，andtheydid。
Ballad：THERIVALCURATES。
LISTwhilethepoettrollsOfMR。CLAYTONHOOPER，WhohadacureofsoulsAtSpiffton—extra—Sooper。
Helivedoncurdsandwhey，Anddailysangtheirpraises，Andthenhe’dgoandplayWithbuttercupsanddaisies。
WildcroquetHOOPERbanned，AndallthesportsofMammon，Hewarredwithcribbage，andHeexorcisedbackgammon。
HishelmetwasaglanceThatspokeofholygladness；
Asaintlysmilehislance；
Hisshieldatearofsadness。
HisVicarsmiledtoseeThisarmouronhimbuckled：
WithpardonablegleeHeblessedhimselfandchuckled。
"InmildnesstoaboundMycurate’ssoledesignis；
InallthecountryroundThere’snonesomildasmineis!"
AndHOOPER，disinclinedHistrumpettobeblowing，Yetdidn’tthinkyou’dfindAmildercurategoing。
AfriendarrivedonedayAtSpiffton—extra—Sooper，AndinthisshamefulwayHespoketoMr。HOOPER：
"YouthinkyourfamousnameFormildnesscan’tbeshaken，Thatnonecanblotyourfame—
But，HOOPER，you’remistaken!
"YourmindisnotasblankAsthatofHOPLEYPORTER，Whoholdsacurate’srankAtAssesmilk—cum—Worter。
"HEplaystheairyflute，Andlooksdepressedandblighted，Dovesroundabouthim’toot，’
Andlambkinsdancedelighted。
"HElaboursmorethanyouAtworstedwork，andframesit；
Inoldmaids’albums，too，Sticksseaweed—yes，andnamesit!"
Thetemptersaidhissay，Whichpiercedhimlikeaneedle—
HesummonedstraightawayHissextonandhisbeadle。
（ThesemenweremenwhocouldHoldliberalopinions：
OnSundaystheyweregood—
Onweek—daystheywereminions。）
"ToHOPLEYPORTERgo，YourfareIwillaffordyou—
Dealhimadeadlyblow，Andblessingsshallrewardyou。
"Butstay—IdonotlikeUndueassassination，Andsobeforeyoustrike，Makethiscommunication：
"I’llgivehimthisonechance—
Ifhe’llmoregailybearhim，Playcroquet，smoke，anddance，Iwillinglywillsparehim。"
Theywent，thoseminionstrue，ToAssesmilk—cum—Worter，AndtoldtheirerrandtoTheREVERENDHOPLEYPORTER。
"What？"saidthatreverendgent，"Dancethroughmyhoursofleisure？
Smoke？—bathemyselfwithscent？—
Playcroquet？Oh，withpleasure!
"Wearallmyhairincurl？
Standatmydoorandwink—so—
Ateverypassinggirl？
Mybrothers，Ishouldthinkso!
"ForyearsI’velongedforsomeExcuseforthisrevulsion：
Nowthatexcusehascome—
Idoitoncompulsion!!!"
Hesmokedandwinkedaway—
ThisREVERENDHOPLEYPORTER—
ThedeucetherewastopayAtAssesmilk—cum—Worter。
AndHOOPERholdshisground，Inmildnessdailygrowing—
Theythinkhim，allaround，Themildestcurategoing。
Ballad：ONLYADANCINGGIRL。
ONLYadancinggirl，Withanunromanticstyle，Withborrowedcolourandcurl，Withfixedmechanicalsmile，Withmanyahackneyedwile，Withungrammaticallips，Andcornsthatmarhertrips。
Hungfromthe"flies"inair，Sheactsapalpablelie，She’saslittleafairythereAsunpoeticalI!
Ihearyouasking，Why—
WhyintheworldIsingThistawdry，tinselledthing？
Noairyfairyshe，AsshehangsinarsenicgreenFromahighlyimpossibletreeInahighlyimpossiblescene（Herselfnotover—clean）。
Forfaysdon’tsuffer，I’mtold，Frombunions，coughs，orcold。
AndstatelydamesthatbringTheirdaughterstheretosee，Pronouncethe"dancingthing"
Nobetterthansheshouldbe，Withherskirtathershamefulknee，Andherpainted，taintedphiz：
Ah，matron，whichofusis？
（And，insooth，itoftoccursThatwhilethesematronssigh，Theirdressesarelowerthanhers，Andsometimeshalfashigh；
Andtheirhairishairtheybuy，Andtheyusetheirglasses，too，Inawayshe’dblushtodo。）
ButchangehergoldandgreenForacoarsemerinogown，AndseeheruponthesceneOfherhome，whencoaxingdownHerdrunkenfather’sfrown，Inhissqualidcheerlessden：
She’safairytruly，then!
Ballad：TOALITTLEMAID—BYAPOLICEMAN。
COMEwithme，littlemaid，Nay，shrinknot，thusafraid—
I’llharmtheenot!
Flynot，mylove，fromme—
Ihaveahomeforthee—
Afairygrot，WheremortaleyeCanrarelypry，Thereshallthydwellingbe!
Listtome，whileItellThepleasuresofthatcell，Oh，littlemaid!
Whatthoughitscouchberude，HomelytheonlyfoodWithinitsshade？
NothoughtofcareCanenterthere，Novulgarswainintrude!
Comewithme，littlemaid，CometotherockyshadeIlovetosing；
Livewithus，maidenrare—
Come，forwe"want"theethere，Thouelfinthing，Toworkthyspell，InsomecoolcellInstatelyPentonville!
Ballad：THETROUBADOUR。
ATROUBADOURheplayedWithoutacastlewall，Within，ahaplessmaidRespondedtohiscall。
"Oh，willow，woeisme!
Alackandwell—a—day!
IfIwereonlyfreeI’dhiemefaraway!"
Unknownherfaceandname，Butthisheknewrightwell，Themaiden’swailingcameFromoutadungeoncell。
AhaplesswomanlayWithinthatdungeongrim—
Thatfact，I’veheardhimsay，Wasquiteenoughforhim。
"Iwillnotsitorlie，Oreatordrink，Ivow，TillthouartfreeasI，OrIaspentasthou。"
Hertearsthenceasedtoflow，Herwailsnolongerrang，AndtunefulinherwoeTheprisonedmaidensang：
"Oh，stranger，asyouplay，Irecognizeyourtouch；
AndallthatIcansayIs，thankyouverymuch。"
Heseizedhisclarionstraight，Andblewthereat，untilAwardenopedthegate。
"Oh，whatmightbeyourwill？"
"I’vecome，SirKnave，toseeThemasterofthesehalls：
AmaidunwillinglyLiesprisonedintheirwalls。"’
WithbarelystifledsighThatporterdroopedhishead，Withteardropsinhiseye，"Amany，sir，"hesaid。
Hestayedtohearnomore，Butpushedthatporterby，AndshortlystoodbeforeSIRHUGHDEPECKHAMRYE。
SIRHUGHhedarklyfrowned，"Whatwouldyou，sir，withme？"
ThetroubadourhedownedUponhisbendedknee。
"I’vecome，DEPECKHAMRYE，TodoaChristiantask；
YouaskmewhatwouldI？
ItisnotmuchIask。
"Releasethesemaidens，sir，Whomyoudominiono’er—
ParticularlyherUponthesecondfloor。
"Andifyoudon’t，mylord"—
Heherestoodboltupright，Andtappedatailor’ssword—
"Comeout，youcad，andfight!"
SIRHUGHhecalled—andranThewardenfromthegate：
"Go，showthisgentlemanThemaidinForty—eight。"
Bymanyacelltheypast，AndstoppedatlengthbeforeAportal，boltedfast：
Themanunlockedthedoor。
HecalledinsidethegateWithcoarseandbrutalshout，"Come，stepit，Forty—eight!"
AndForty—eightsteppedout。
"Theygetsitprettyhot，Themaidenswhatwecotch—
Twoyearsthislady’sgotForcollaringawotch。"
"Oh，ah!—indeed—Isee，"
Thetroubadourexclaimed—
"IfImaymakesofree，Howisthiscastlenamed？
Thewarden’seyelidsfill，Andsighing，hereplied，"OfgloomyPentonvilleThisisthefemaleside!"
TheminstreldidnotwaitTheWardenstouttothank，ButrecollectedstraightHe’dbusinessattheBank。
Ballad：FERDINANDOANDELVIRA；OR，THEGENTLEPIEMAN。
PARTI。
ATapleasanteveningpartyIhadtakendowntosupperOnewhomIwillcallELVIRA，andwetalkedofloveandTUPPER，MR。TUPPERandthePoets，verylightlywiththemdealing，ForI’vealwaysbeendistinguishedforastrongpoeticfeeling。
Thenweletoffpapercrackers，eachofwhichcontainedamotto，AndshelistenedwhileIreadthem，tillhermothertoldhernotto。
Thenshewhispered，"Totheball—roomwehadbetter，dear，bewalking；
Ifwestopdownheremuchlonger，reallypeoplewillbetalking。"
Therewerenoblemenincoronets，andmilitarycousins，Therewerecaptainsbythehundred，therewerebaronetsbydozens。
Yetsheheedednottheiroffers，butdismissedthemwithablessing，Thensheletdownallherbackhair，whichhadtakenlongindressing。
Thenshehadconvulsivesobbingsinheragitatedthrottle，Thenshewipedherprettyeyesandsmeltherprettysmelling—
bottle。
SoIwhispered，"DearELVIRA，say，—whatcanthematterbewithyou？
Doesanythingyou’veeaten，darlingPOPSY，disagreewithyou？"
ButspiteofallIsaid，hersobsgrewmoreandmoredistressing，Andshetoreherprettybackhair，whichhadtakenlongindressing。
Thenshegazeduponthecarpet，attheceiling，thenaboveme，Andshewhispered，"FERDINANDO，doyoureally，REALLYloveme？"
"Loveyou？"saidI，thenIsighed，andthenIgazeduponhersweetly—
ForIthinkIdothissortofthingparticularlyneatly。
"SendmetotheArcticregions，orillimitableazure，Onascientificgoose—chase，withmyCOXWELLormyGLAISHER!
"TellmewhitherImayhieme—tellme，dearone，thatImayknow—
IsitupthehighestAndes？downahorriblevolcano？"
Butshesaid，"Itisn’tpolarbears，orhotvolcanicgrottoes：
Onlyfindoutwhoitisthatwritesthoselovelycrackermottoes!"
PARTII。
"Tellme，HENRYWADSWORTH，ALFREDPOETCLOSE，orMISTERTUPPER，DoyouwritethebonbonmottoesmyELVIRApullsatsupper？"
ButHENRYWADSWORTHsmiled，andsaidhehadnothadthathonour；
AndALFRED，too，disclaimedthewordsthattoldsomuchuponher。
"MISTERMARTINTUPPER，POETCLOSE，Ibegofyouinformus；"
Butmyquestionseemedtothrowthembothintoarageenormous。
MISTERCLOSEexpressedawishthathecouldonlygetanightome；
AndMISTERMARTINTUPPERsentthefollowingreplytome：
"Afoolisbentuponatwig，butwisemendreadabandit，"—
WhichIknowwasveryclever；butIdidn’tunderstandit。
SevenwearyyearsIwandered—Patagonia，China，Norway，TillatlastIsankexhaustedatapastrycookhisdoorway。
Therewerefuchsiasandgeraniums，anddaffodilsandmyrtle，SoIentered，andIorderedhalfabasinofmockturtle。
Hewasplumpandhewaschubby，hewassmoothandhewasrosy，Andhislittlewifewasprettyandparticularlycosy。
Andhechirpedandsang，andskippedabout，andlaughedwithlaughterhearty—
Hewaswonderfullyactiveforsoverystoutaparty。
AndIsaid，"Ogentlepieman，whysovery，verymerry？
Isitpurityofconscience，oryourone—and—sevensherry？"
Butheanswered，"I’msohappy—noprofessioncouldbedearer—
IfIamnothumming’Tra!la!la!’I’msinging’Tirer，lirer!’
"FirstIgoandmakethepatties，andthepuddings，andthejellies，ThenImakeasugarbird—cage，whichuponatableswellis；
"ThenIpolishallthesilver，whichasupper—tablelacquers；
ThenIwritetheprettymottoeswhichyoufindinsidethecrackers。"—
"Foundatlast!"Imadlyshouted。"Gentlepieman，youastoundme!"
ThenIwavedtheturtlesoupenthusiasticallyroundme。
AndIshoutedandIdanceduntilhe’dquiteacrowdaroundhim—
AndIrushedawayexclaiming，"Ihavefoundhim!Ihavefoundhim!"
AndIheardthegentlepiemanintheroadbehindmetrilling，"’Tira，lira!’stophim，stophim!’Tra!la!la!’thesoup’sashilling!"
ButuntilIreachedELVIRA’Shome，Inever，neverwaited，AndELVIRAtoherFERDINAND’Sirrevocablymated!
Ballad：TOMYBRIDE—（WHOEVERSHEMAYBE。）
OH!littlemaid!—（IdonotknowyournameOrwhoyouare，so，asasafeprecautionI’lladd）—Oh，buxomwidow!marrieddame!
（Asoneofthesemustbeyourpresentportion）
Listen，whileIunveilpropheticloreforyou，AndsingthefatethatFortunehasinstoreforyou。
You’llmarrysoon—withinayearortwain—
AbachelorofCIRCAtwoandthirty：
Tall，gentlemanly，butextremelyplain，Andwhenyou’reintimate，you’llcallhim"BERTIE。"
Neat—dresseswell；histemperhasbeenclassifiedAshasty；buthe’sveryquicklypacified。
You’llfindhimworkingmildlyattheBar，Afteratouchattwoorthreeprofessions，Fromeasyaffluenceextremelyfar，AbriefortwoonCircuit—"soup"atSessions；
Apoundortwofromwhistandbackinghorses，And，saythreehundredfromhisownresources。
Quietinharness；freefromseriousvice，Hisfaultsarenotparticularlyshady，You’llneverfindhim"SHY"—for，onceortwiceAlready，he’sbeendrivenbyalady，Whopartswithhim—perhapsapoorexcuseforhim—
Becauseshehasn’tanyfurtheruseforhim。
Oh!brideofmine—tall，dumpy，dark，orfair!
Oh!widow—wife，maybe，orblushingmaiden，I’vetoldYOURfortune；solvedthegravestcareWithwhichyourmindhashithertobeenladen。
I’veprophesiedcorrectly，neverdoubtit；
Nowtellmemine—andpleasebequickaboutit!
You—onlyyou—cantellme，an’youwill，TowhomI’mdestinedshortlytobemated，WillsherunupaheavyMODISTE’Sbill？
Ifso，Iwanttohearherincomestated（Thisisapointwhichinterestsmegreatly）。
Toquotethebard，"Oh!haveIseenherlately？"
Say，mustIwaittillhusbandnumberoneIscomfortablystowedawayatWoking？
Howisherhairmostusuallydone？
Andtellme，please，willsheobjecttosmoking？
Thecolourofhereyes，too，youmaymention：
Come，Sibyl，prophesy—I’mallattention。
Ballad：SIRMACKLIN。
OFalltheyouthsIeversawNoneweresowicked，vain，orsilly，SolosttoshameandSabbathlaw，AsworldlyTOM，andBOB，andBILLY。
ForeverySabbathdaytheywalked（Suchwastheirgayandthoughtlessnatur）
Inparksorgardens，wheretheytalkedFromthreetosix，orevenlater。
SIRMACKLINwasapriestsevereInconductandinconversation，ItdidasinnergoodtohearHimdealinratiocination。
HecouldineveryactionshowSomesin，andnobodycoulddoubthim。
Hearguedhigh，hearguedlow，Healsoarguedroundabouthim。
HewepttothinkeachthoughtlessyouthContainedofwickednessaskinful，Andburnttoteachtheawfultruth，ThatwalkingoutonSunday’ssinful。
"Oh，youths，"saidhe，"IgrievetofindThecourseoflifeyou’vebeenandhiton—
Sitdown，"saidhe，"andnevermindThepenniesforthechairsyousiton。
"Myopeningheadis’Kensington，’
Howwalkingtherethesinnerhardens，WhichwhenIhaveenlargedupon，Igoto’Secondly’—its’Gardens。’
"My’Thirdly’comprehendeth’Hyde，’
OfSecresytheguiltsandshameses；
My’Fourthly’—’Park’—itsverdurewide—
My’Fifthly’comprehends’St。James’s。’
"Thatmattersettled，IshallreachThe’Sixthly’inmysolemntether，Andshowthatwhatistrueofeach，Isalsotrueofall，together。
"ThenIshalldemonstratetoyou，AccordingtotherulesofWHATELY，Thatwhatistrueofall，istrueOfeach，consideredseparately。"
Inlavishstreamhisaccentsflow，TOM，BOB，andBILLYdarenotflouthim；
Hearguedhigh，hearguedlow，Healsoarguedroundabouthim。
"Ha，ha!"hesaid，"youloatheyourways，Youwritheatthesemywordsofwarning，Inagonyyourhandsyouraise。"
（Andsotheydid，fortheywereyawning。）
To"Twenty—firstly"ontheygo，Theladsdonotattempttoscouthim；
Hearguedhigh，hearguedlow，Healsoarguedroundabouthim。
"Ho，ho!"hecries，"youbowyourcrests—
Myeloquencehassetyouweeping；
Inshameyoubenduponyourbreasts!"
（Andsotheydid，fortheyweresleeping。）
Heprovedthemthis—heprovedthemthat—
Thisgoodbutwearisomeascetic；
Hejumpedandthumpeduponhishat，Hewassoveryenergetic。
HisBishopatthismomentchancedTopass，andfoundtheroadencumbered；
HenoticedhowtheChurchmandanced，Andhowhiscongregationslumbered。
ThehundredandeleventhheadThepriestcompletedofhisstricture；
"Oh，bosh!"theworthyBishopsaid，Andwalkedhimoffasinthepicture。
Ballad：THEYARNOFTHE"NANCYBELL。"（1）
’TWASontheshoresthatroundourcoastFromDealtoRamsgatespan，ThatIfoundaloneonapieceofstoneAnelderlynavalman。
Hishairwasweedy，hisbeardwaslong，Andweedyandlongwashe，AndIheardthiswightontheshorerecite，Inasingularminorkey：
"Oh，Iamacookandacaptainbold，AndthemateoftheNANCYbrig，Andabo’suntight，andamidshipmite，Andthecrewofthecaptain’sgig。"
Andheshookhisfistsandhetorehishair，TillIreallyfeltafraid，ForIcouldn’thelpthinkingthemanhadbeendrinking，AndsoIsimplysaid：
"Oh，elderlyman，it’slittleIknowOfthedutiesofmenofthesea，AndI’lleatmyhandifIunderstandHoweveryoucanbe"Atonceacook，andacaptainbold，AndthemateoftheNANCYbrig，Andabo’suntight，andamidshipmite，Andthecrewofthecaptain’sgig。"
Thenhegaveahitchtohistrousers，whichIsatrickallseamenlarn，Andhavinggotridofathumpingquid，Hespunthispainfulyarn：
"’TwasinthegoodshipNANCYBELL
ThatwesailedtotheIndianSea，Andthereonareefwecometogrief，Whichhasoftenoccurredtome。
"Andprettynighallthecrewwasdrowned（Therewasseventy—seveno’soul），AndonlytenoftheNANCY’SmenSaid’Here!’tothemuster—roll。
"Therewasmeandthecookandthecaptainbold，AndthemateoftheNANCYbrig，Andthebo’suntight，andamidshipmite，Andthecrewofthecaptain’sgig。
"Foramonthwe’dneitherwittlesnordrink，Tilla—hungrywedidfeel，Sowedrawedalot，and，accordin’shotThecaptainforourmeal。
"ThenextlotfelltotheNANCY’Smate，Andadelicatedishhemade；
ThenourappetitewiththemidshipmiteWesevensurvivorsstayed。
"Andthenwemurderedthebo’suntight，Andhemuchresembledpig；
Thenwewittledfree，didthecookandme，Onthecrewofthecaptain’sgig。
"Thenonlythecookandmewasleft，Andthedelicatequestion，’WhichOfustwogoestothekettle？’arose，Andweargueditoutassich。
"ForIlovedthatcookasabrother，Idid，Andthecookheworshippedme；
Butwe’dbothbeblowedifwe’deitherbestowedIntheotherchap’shold，yousee。
"’I’llbeeatifyoudinesoffme，’saysTOM；
’Yes，that，’saysI，’you’llbe，—
’I’mboiledifIdie，myfriend，’quothI；
And’Exactlyso，’quothhe。
"Sayshe，’DearJAMES，tomurdermeWereafoolishthingtodo，Fordon’tyouseethatyoucan’tcookME，WhileIcan—andwill—cookYOU!’
"Soheboilsthewater，andtakesthesaltAndthepepperinportionstrue（Whichheneverforgot），andsomechoppedshalot。
Andsomesageandparsleytoo。
"’Comehere，’sayshe，withaproperpride，Whichhissmilingfeaturestell，’’TwillsoothingbeifIletyouseeHowextremelyniceyou’llsmell。’
"Andhestirreditroundandroundandround，Andhesniffedatthefoamingfroth；
WhenIupswithhisheels，andsmothershissquealsInthescumoftheboilingbroth。
"AndIeatthatcookinaweekorless，And—asIeatingbeThelastofhischops，why，Ialmostdrops，ForawesselinsightIsee!
****
"AndIneverlarf，andIneversmile，AndIneverlarknorplay，Butsitandcroak，andasinglejokeIhave—whichistosay：
"Oh，Iamacookandacaptainbold，AndthemateoftheNANCYbrig，Andabo’suntight，andamidshipmite，Andthecrewofthecaptain’sgig!’"
Ballad：THEBISHOPOFRUM—TI—FOO。
FROMeastandsouththeholyclanOfBishopsgatheredtoaman；
ToSynod，calledPan—Anglican，Inflockingcrowdstheycame。
AmongthemwasaBishop，whoHadlatelybeenappointedtoThebalmyisleofRum—ti—Foo，AndPETERwashisname。
Hispeople—twenty—threeinsum—
Theyplayedtheeloquenttum—tum，Andlivedonscalpsservedup，inrum—
Theonlysaucetheyknew。
WhenfirstgoodBISHOPPETERcame（ForPETERwasthatBishop’sname），Tohumourthem，hedidthesameAstheyofRum—ti—Foo。
Hisflock，I’veoftenheardhimtell，（HisnamewasPETER）lovedhimwell，And，summonedbythesoundofbell，Incrowdstogethercame。
"Oh，massa，whyyougoaway？
Oh，MASSAPETER，pleasetostay。"
（TheycalledhimPETER，peoplesay，Becauseitwashisname。）
Hetoldthemallgoodboystobe，Andsailedawayacrossthesea，AtLondonBridgethatBishopheArrivedoneTuesdaynight；
AndasthatnighthehomewardstrodeTohisPan—Anglicanabode，HepassedalongtheBoroughRoad，Andsawagruesomesight。
HesawacrowdassembledroundApersondancingontheground，WhostraightbegantoleapandboundWithallhismightandmain。
Toseethatdancingmanhestopped，Whotwirledandwriggled，skippedandhopped，Thendownincontinentlydropped，Andthensprangupagain。
TheBishopchuckledatthesight。
"ThisstyleofdancingwoulddelightAsimpleRum—ti—Foozleite。
I’lllearnitifIcan，TopleasethetribewhenIgetback。"
Hebeggedthemantoteachhisknack。
"RightReverendSir，inhalfacrack!
Repliedthatdancingman。
Thedancingmanheworkedaway，AndtaughttheBishopeveryday—
Thedancerskippedlikeanyfay—
GoodPETERdidthesame。
TheBishopbuckledtohistask，WithBATTEMENTS，andPASDEBASQUE。
（I’lltellyou，ifyoucaretoask，ThatPETERwashisname。）
"Come，walklikethis，"thedancersaid，"Stickoutyourtoes—stickinyourhead，Stalkonwithquick，galvanictread—
Yourfingersthusextend；
Theattitude’sconsideredquaint。"
ThewearyBishop，feelingfaint，Replied，"Idonotsayitain’t，But’Time!’myChristianfriend!"
"Wenowproceedtosomethingnew—
DanceasthePAYNESandLAURISdo，Likethis—one，two—one，two—one，two。"
TheBishop，neverproud，Butinanoverwhelmingheat（HisnamewasPETER，Irepeat）
PerformedthePAYNEandLAURIfeat，Andpuffedhisthanksaloud。
Anothergamethedancerplanned—
"Justtakeyourankleinyourhand，Andtry，mylord，ifyoucanstand—
Yourbodystiffandstark。
If，whenrevisitingyoursee，Youlearnttohoponshore—likeme—
Thenoveltywouldstrikingbe，Andmustattractremark。"
"No，"saidtheworthyBishop，"no；
Thatisalengthtowhich，Itrow，ColonialBishopscannotgo。
YoumayexpresssurpriseAtfindingBishopsdealinpride—
ButifthattrickIevertried，IshouldappearundignifiedInRum—ti—Foozle’seyes。
"TheislandersofRum—ti—FooArewell—conductedpersons，whoApproveajokeasmuchasyou，Andlaughatitassuch；
ButiftheysawtheirBishopland，Hislegsupportedinhishand，Thejoketheywouldn’tunderstand—
’Twouldpainthemverymuch!"
Ballad：THEPRECOCIOUSBABY。AVERYTRUETALE。
（TOBESUNGTOTHEAIROFTHE"WHISTLINGOYSTER。"）
ANelderlyperson—aprophetbytrade—
WithhisquipsandtipsOnwitheredoldlips，Hemarriedayoungandabeautifulmaid；
Thecunningoldblade!
Thoughratherdecayed，Hemarriedabeautiful，beautifulmaid。
Shewasonlyeighteen，andasfairascouldbe，WithhertemptingsmilesAndmaidenlywiles，Andhewasatriflepastseventy—three：
NowwhatshecouldseeIsapuzzletome，Inaprophetofseventy—seventy—three!
Ofalltheiracquaintancesbidden（orbad）
WiththeirloudhighjinksAndunderbredwinks，Nonethoughtthey’dafamilyhave—buttheyhad；
AdearlittleladWhodrove’emhalfmad，Forheturnedoutahorriblyfastlittlecad。
Forwhenhewasbornheastonishedallby，Withtheir"Law，dearme!"
"Dideveryousee？"
He’dapipeinhismouthandaglassinhiseye，Ahatallawry—
Anoctagontie—
Andaminiature—miniatureglassinhiseye。
Hegrumbledatwearingafrockandacap，Withhis"Oh，dear，oh!"
Andhis"Hangit!’ooknow!"
Andheturneduphisnoseathisexcellentpap—
"Myfriends，it’satapDatisnotworfarap。"
（Nowthiswasremarkablyexcellentpap。）
He’dchuckhisnurseunderthechin，andhe’dsay，Withhis"Fal，lal，lal"—
"’Oodoosedfinegal!"
Thisshockingprecocitydrove’emaway：
"Amonthfromto—dayIsaslongasI’llstay—
ThenI’dwish，ifyouplease，fortotoddleaway。"
Hisfather，asimpleoldgentleman，heWithnurseryrhymeAnd"Onceonatime，"
Wouldtellhimthestoryof"LittleBo—P，"
"Soprettywasshe，Soprettyandwee，Aspretty，aspretty，asprettycouldbe。"
Butthebabe，withadigthatwouldstartleanox，Withhis"C’ck!Oh，my!—
Goalongwiz’oo，fie!"
Wouldexclaim，"I’mafraid’ooasockingolefox。"
Nowafatheritshocks，Anditwhitenshislocks，Whenhislittlebabecallshimashockingoldfox。
Thenameofhisfatherhe’dcoupleandpair（Withhisill—bredlaugh，Andinsolentchaff）
Withthoseofthenurseryheroinesrare—
VirginiatheFair，OrGoodGoldenhair，Tillthenuisancewasmorethanaprophetcouldbear。
"There’sJillandWhiteCat"（saidtheboldlittlebrat，Withhisloud，"Ha，ha!"）
"’OoslyicklePa!
Wiz’ooBeauty，Bo—Peep，and’ooMrs。JackSprat!
I’venoticed’oopatMYprettyWhiteCat—
Isinkdearmammaoughttoknowaboutdat!"
Heearlydeterminedtomarryandwive，ForbetterorworseWithhiselderlynurse—
Whichthepoorlittleboydidn’tlivetocontrive：
Hishearthdidn’tthrive—
Nolongeralive，Hediedanenfeebledolddotardatfive!
MORAL。
Now，elderlymenofthebachelorcrew，WithwrinkledhoseAndspectaclednose，Don’tmarryatall—youmaytakeitastrueIfeveryoudoThestepyouwillrue，Foryourbabeswillbeelderly—elderlytoo。
Ballad：TOPHOEBE。（2）
"GENTLE，modestlittleflower，SweetepitomeofMay，Lovemebutforhalfanhour，Loveme，loveme，littlefay。"
SentencessofiercelyflamingInyourtinyshell—likeear，IshouldalwaysbeexclaimingIfIlovedyou，PHOEBEdear。
"SmilesthatthrillfromanydistanceSheduponmewhileIsing!
Pleaseecstaticizeexistence，Loveme，oh，thoufairything!"
Wordslikethese，outpouringsadlyYou’dperpetuallyhear，IfIlovedyoufondly，madly；—
ButIdonot，PHOEBEdear。
Ballad：BAINESCAREW，GENTLEMAN。
OFallthegoodattorneyswhoHaveplacedtheirnamesupontheroll，ButfewcouldequalBAINESCAREW
Fortender—heartednessandsoul。
Whene’erheheardataleofwoeFromclientAorclientB，HisgriefwouldovercomehimsoHe’dscarcehavestrengthtotakehisfee。
Itlaidhimupformanydays，Whendutyledhimtodistrain，Andservingwrits，althoughitpays，Gavehimexcruciatingpain。
Hemadeoutcosts，distrainedforrent，Foreclosedandsued，withmoistenedeye—
NobillofcostscouldrepresentThevalueofsuchsympathy。
NochargescanapproximateTheworthofsympathywithwoe；—
AlthoughIthinkIoughttostateHedidhisbesttomakethemso。
OfallthemanyclientswhoHadmusteredroundhislegalflag，NosingleclientofthecrewWashalfsodearasCAPTAINBAGG。
Now，CAPTAINBAGGhadbowedhimtoAheavymatrimonialyoke—
Hiswifeyhadoffaultsafew—
Shenevercouldresistajoke。
Herchaffatfirsthemeeklybore，Tillunendurableitgrew。
"TostopthispersecutionsoreIwillconsultmyfriendCAREW。
"AndwhenCAREW’SadviceI’vegot，DivorceAMENSAIshalltry。"
（Alegalseparation—notAVINCULOCONJUGII。）
"Oh，BAINESCAREW，mywoeI’vekeptAsecrethitherto，youknow；"—
（AndBAINESCAREW，ESQUIRE，heweptTohearthatBAGGHADanywoe。）
"Mycase，indeed，ispassingsad。
Mywife—whomIconsideredtrue—
Withbrutalconductdrivesmemad。"
"Iamappalled，"saidBAINESCAREW。
"What!soundthematrimonialknellOfworthypeoplesuchasthese!
WhywasIanattorney？Well—
GoontotheSAEVITIA，please。"
"Domesticblisshasprovedmybane，—
Ahardercaseyouneverheard，Mywife（inothermatterssane）
PretendsthatI’maDickybird!
"Shemakesmesing，’Too—whit，too—wee!’
Andstanduponaroundedstick，AndalwaysintroducesmeToeveryoneas’PrettyDick’!"
"Oh，dear，"saidweepingBAINESCAREW，"ThisisthedirestcaseIknow。"
"I’mgrieved，"saidBAGG，"atpainingyou—
"ToCOBBandPOLTHERTHWAITEI’llgo—
"ToCOBB’Scold，calculatingear，MygruesomesorrowsI’llimpart"—
"No；stop，"saidBAINES，"I’lldrymytear，Andsteelmysympatheticheart。"
"Shemakesmeperchuponatree，Rewardingmewith’Sweety—nice!’
AndthreatenstoexhibitmeWithfourorfiveperformingmice。"
"RestrainmytearsIwishIcould"
（SaidBAINES），"Idon’tknowwhattodo。"
SaidCAPTAINBAGG，"You’reverygood。"
"Oh，notatall，"saidBAINESCAREW。
"Shemakesmefireagun，"saidBAGG；
"And，atapreconcertedword，Climbupaladderwithaflag，Likeanystreetperformingbird。
"Sheplacessugarinmyway—
Inpublicplacescallsme’Sweet!’
Shegivesmegroundseleveryday，Andhardcanary—seedtoeat。"
"Oh，woe!oh，sad!oh，diretotell!"
（SaidBAINES）。"Begoodenoughtostop。"
Andsenselessonthefloorhefell，Withunpremeditatedflop!
SaidCAPTAINBAGG，"Well，reallyI
Amgrievedtothinkitpainsyouso。
Ithankyouforyoursympathy；
But，hangit!—come—Isay，youknow!"
ButBAINESlayflatuponthefloor，Convulsedwithsympatheticsob；—
TheCaptaintoddledoffnextdoor，AndgavethecasetoMR。COBB。
Ballad：THOMASWINTERBOTTOMHANCE。
INallthetownsandcitiesfairOnMerryEngland’sbroadexpanse，NoswordsmanevercouldcompareWithTHOMASWINTERBOTTOMHANCE。
ThedauntlessladcouldfairlyhewAsilkenhandkerchiefintwain，Dividealegofmuttontoo—
Andthiswithoutunwholesomestrain。
Onwholehalf—sheep，withcunningtrick，Hissabresometimeshe’demploy—
Nobaroflead，howeverthick，Hadterrorsforthestalwartboy。
AtDoverdailyhe’dprepareTohewandslash，behind，before—
WhichaggravatedMONSIEURPIERRE，WhowatchedhimfromtheCalaisshore。
ItcausedgoodPIERREtoswearanddance，Thesightannoyedandvexedhimso；
HewasthebravestmaninFrance—
Hesaidso，andheoughttoknow。
"Regardezdonc，cecochongros—
Cepolisson!Oh，sacrebleu!
Sonsabre，sonplomb，etsesgigotsCommecelam’ennuye，enfin，monDieu!
"IlsaitquelesfoulardsdesoieGivenoretaliatingwhack—
Lesgigotsmortsn’ontpasdequoi—
Leplombdon’teverhityouback。"
ButeverydaytheheadstrongladCutleadandmuttonmoreandmore；
AndeverydaypoorPIERRE，halfmad，Shriekedlouddefiancefromhisshore。
HANCEhadamother，poorandold，Asimple，harmlessvillagedame，WhocrowedandclappedaspeopletoldOfWINTERBOTTOM’Srisingfame。
Shesaid，"I’llbeuponthespotToseemyTOMMY’Ssabre—play；"
Andsosheleftherleafycot，AndwalkedtoDoverinaday。
PIERREhadadoatingmother，whoHadheardofhisdefiantrage；
HISMawasnearlyninety—two，Andratherdressyforherage。
AtHANCE’Sdoingseverymorn，WithsheerdelightHISmothercried；
AndMONSIEURPIERRE’ScontemptuousscornFilledHISmammawithproperpride。
ButHANCE’Spowersbegantofail—
Hisconstitutionwasnotstrong—
AndPIERRE，whooncewasstoutandhale，Grewthinfromshoutingalldaylong。
Theirmotherssawthempaleandwan，Maternalanguishtoreeachbreast，AndsotheymettofindaplanTosettheiroffsprings’mindsatrest。
SaidMRS。HANCE，"OfcourseIshrinksFrombloodshed，ma’am，asyou’reaware，Butstillthey’dbettermeet，Ithinks。"
"Assurement!"saidMADAMEPIERRE。
AsunnyspotinsunnyFranceWashituponforthisaffair；
ThegroundwaspickedbyMRS。HANCE，ThestakeswerepitchedbyMADAMEPIERRE。
SaidMRS。H。，"Yourworkyousee—
Goin，mynobleboy，andwin。"
"Engarde，monfils!"saidMADAMEP。
"Allons!""Goon!""Engarde!""Begin!"
（Themotherswereofdecentsize，Thoughnotparticularlytall；
ButinthesketchthatmeetsyoureyesI’vebeenobligedtodrawthemsmall。）
LoudsneeredthedoughtymanofFrance，"Ho!ho!Ho!ho!Ha!ha!Ha!ha!
"TheFrenchfor’Pish’"saidTHOMASHANCE。
SaidPIERRE，"L’Anglais，Monsieur，pour’Bah。’"
SaidMRS。H。，"Come，one!two!three!—
We’resittin’heretoseeallfair。"
"C’estmagnifique!"saidMADAMEP。，"Mais，parbleu!cen’estpaslaguerre!"
"Jescornunfoesilachequevous，"
SaidPIERRE，thedoughtysonofFrance。
"Ifightnotcowardfoelikeyou!"
SaidourundauntedTOMMYHANCE。
"TheFrenchfor’Pooh!’"ourTOMMYcried。
"L’Anglaispour’Va!’"theFrenchmancrowed。
Andso，withundiminishedpride，Eachwentonhisrespectiveroad。
Ballad：ADISCONTENTEDSUGARBROKER。
AGENTLEMANofCityfameNowclaimsyourkindattention；
EastIndiabrokingwashisgame，HisnameIshallnotmention：
Nooneoffinely—pointedsenseWouldviolateaconfidence，AndshallIgoAnddoit？No!
HisnameIshallnotmention。
Hehadatrustywifeandtrue，Andverycosyquarters，Amanager，aboyortwo，Sixclerks，andsevenporters。
Abrokermustbedoingwell（Asanylunaticcantell）
WhocanemployAnactiveboy，Sixclerks，andsevenporters。
Hisknockeradvertisednodun，Nolossesmadehimsulky，Hehadonesorrow—onlyone—
Hewasextremelybulky。
Amanmustbe，Ibegtostate，ExceptionallyfortunateWhoownshischiefAndonlygriefIs—beingverybulky。
"Thisload，"he’dsay，"Icannotbear；
I’mnineteenstoneortwenty!
HenceforwardI’llgoinforairAndexerciseinplenty。"
Mostpeoplethinkthat，shoulditcome，TheycanreduceabulgingtumTomeasuresfairBytakingairAndexerciseinplenty。
Ineveryweather，everyday，Dry，muddy，wet，orgritty，HetooktodancingallthewayFromBromptontotheCity。
YoudonotoftengetthechanceOfseeingsugarbrokersdanceFromtheirabodeInFulhamRoadThroughBromptontotheCity。
HebravedthegayandguilelesslaughOfchildrenwiththeirnusses，ThelouduneducatedchaffOfclerksonomnibuses。
AgainstallminorthingsthatrackAnicely—balancedmind，I’llbackThenoisychaffAndill—bredlaughOfclerksonomnibuses。
Hisfriends，whoheardhismoneychink，Andsawthehouseherented，Andknewhiswife，couldneverthinkWhatmadehimdiscontented。
ItneverenteredtheirpuremindsThatfadsareofeccentrickinds，NorwouldtheyownThatfataloneCouldmakeonediscontented。
"Yourrichesknownokindofpause，Yourtradeisfastadvancing；
Youdance—butnotforjoy，becauseYouweepasyouaredancing。
Todanceimpliesthatmanisglad，Toweepimpliesthatmanissad；
ButhereareyouWhodothetwo—
Youweepasyouaredancing!"
HismaniasoongotnoisedaboutAndintoallthepapers；
HissizeincreasedbeyondadoubtForallhisrecklesscapers：
Itmayseemsingulartoyou，Butallhisfriendsadmitittrue—
ThemorehefoundHisfigureround，Themorehecuthiscapers。
Hisbulkincreased—nomatterthat—
Hetriedthemoretotossit—
Heneverspokeofitas"fat，"
But"adiposedeposit。"
Uponmyword，itseemstomeUnpardonablevanity（Andworsethanthat）
TocallyourfatAn"adiposedeposit。"
Atlengthhisbrawnykneesgaveway，Andonthecarpetsinking，UponhisshapelessbackhelayAndkickedawaylikewinking。
InsteadofseeinginhisstateThefingerofunswervingFate，HelabouredstillToworkhiswill，Andkickedawaylikewinking。
Hisfriends，disgustedwithhimnow，Awayinsilencewended—
IhardlyliketotellyouhowThisdreadfulstoryended。
Theshockingsequeltoimpart，Imustemploythelimner’sart—
Ifyouwouldknow，ThissketchwillshowHowhisexertionsended。
MORAL。
Ihatetopreach—Ihatetoprate—
—I’mnofanaticcroaker，ButlearncontentmentfromthefateOfthisEastIndiabroker。
He’deverythingamanoftasteCouldeverwant，exceptawaist；
AnddiscontentHissizeanent，Andbootlessperseveranceblind，CompletelywreckedthepeaceofmindOfthisEastIndiabroker。
Ballad：THEPANTOMIME"SUPER"TOHISMASK。
VASTemptyshell!
Impertinent，preposterousabortion!
Withvacantstare，Andraggedhair，Andeveryfeatureoutofallproportion!
Embodimentofechoinginanity!
Excellenttypeofsimperinginsanity!
Unwieldy，clumsynightmareofhumanity!
Iringthyknell!
To—nightthoudiest，Beastthatdestroy’stmyheaven—bornidentity!
Nineweeksofnights，Beforethelights，Swampedinthineownpreposterousnonentity，I’vebeenill—treated，cursed，andthrasheddiurnally，Creditedforthesmileyouwearexternally—
Ifeeldisposedtosmashthyface，infernally，Astherethouliest!
I’vebeenthybrain：
I’VEbeenthebrainthatlitthydullconcavity!
ThehumanraceInvestMYfaceWiththineexpressionofuncheckeddepravity，Investedwithaghastlyreciprocity，I’VEbeenresponsibleforthymonstrosity，I，forthywanton，blunderingferocity—
Butnotagain!
’TistimetotollThyknell，andthatoffolliespantomimical：
Anineweeks’run，AndthouhastdoneAllthoucanstdotomakethyselfinimical。
Adieu，embodimentofallinanity!
Excellenttypeofsimperinginsanity!
Unwieldy，clumsynightmareofhumanity!
Freedisthysoul!
（THEMASKRESPONDETH。）
Oh!mastermine，Lookthouwithinthee，ereagainill—usingme。
ArtthouawareOfnothingthereWhichmightabusethee，asthouartabusingme？
AbrainthatmournsTHINEunredeemedrascality？
AsoulthatweepsatTHYthreadbaremorality？
BothgrievingthatTHEIRindividualityIsmergedinthine？
Ballad：THEGHOST，THEGALLANT，THEGAEL，ANDTHEGOBLIN。
O’ERunreclaimedsuburbanclaysSomeyearsagowerehobblin’
Anelderlyghostofeasyways，Andaninfluentialgoblin。
Theghostwasasombrespectralshape，Afineoldfive—actfogy，Thegoblinimp，alitheyoungape，Afinelow—comedybogy。
Andastheyexercisedtheirjoints，Promotingquickdigestion，Theytalkedonseveralcuriouspoints，Andraisedthisdelicatequestion：
"WhichofustwoisNumberOne—
Theghostie，orthegoblin？"
Ando’erthepointtheyraisedinfunTheyfairlyfella—squabblin’。
They’dbarelyspeak，andeach，infine，Grewmoreandmorereflective：
EachthoughthisownparticularlineBychalksthemoreeffective。
AtlengththeysettledsomeoneshouldByeachofthembehaunted，AndsoarrangethateithercouldExerthisprowessvaunted。
"TheQuaintagainsttheStatuesque"—
Bycompetitionlawful—
ThegoblinbackedtheQuaintGrotesque，TheghosttheGrandlyAwful。
"Now，"saidthegoblin，"here’smyplan—
Inattitudecommanding，IseeastalwartEnglishmanByyondertailor’sstanding。
"TheveryfittestmanonearthMyinfluencetotryon—
Ofgentle，p’r’apsofnoblebirth，Anddauntlessasalion!
Nowwrapyourselfwithinyourshroud—
Remainineasyhearing—
Observe—you’llhearhimscreamaloudWhenIbeginappearing!
Theimpwithyellunearthly—wild—
Threwoffhisdarkenclosure：
HisdauntlessvictimlookedandsmiledWithsingularcomposure。
Forhourshetriedtodaunttheyouth，Fordays，indeed，butvainly—
Thestriplingsmiled!—totellthetruth，Thestriplingsmiledinanely。
Forweeksthegoblinweirdandwild，Thatnoblestriplinghaunted；
Forweeksthestriplingstoodandsmiled，Unmovedandallundaunted。
Thesombreghostexclaimed，"YourplanHasfailedyou，goblin，plainly：
NowwatchyonhardyHielandman，Sostalwartandungainly。
"Thesearethemenwhochasetheroe，Whosefootstepsneverfalter，Whobringwiththem，where’ertheygo，AsmackofoldSIRWALTER。
Ofsuchashe，themensublimeWholeadtheirtroopsvictorious，Whosedeedsgodowntoafter—time，Enshrinedinannalsglorious!
"Ofsuchashethebardhassaid’Hechthrawfu’raltierorkie!
Wi’thechtta’croonieclapperheadAndfash’wi’uncopawkie!’
He’llfaintawaywhenIappear，Uponhisnativeheather；
Orp’r’apshe’llonlyscreamwithfear，Orp’r’apsthetwotogether。"
Thespectreshowedhimself，alone，Todohisghostlybattling，Withcurdlinggroananddismalmoan，Andlotsofchainsa—rattling!
Butno—thechiel’sstoutGaelicstuffWithstoodallghostlyharrying；
HisfingerscloseduponthesnuffWhichupwardshewascarrying。
Fordaysthatghostdeclinedtostir，Afoggyshapelessgiant—
ForweeksthatsplendidofficerStaredbackagaindefiant。
JustastheEnglishmanreturnedThegoblin’svulgarstaring，JustsotheScotchmanboldlyspurnedTheghost’sunmanneredscaring。
ForseveralyearstheghostlytwainTheseBritonsboldhavehaunted，Butalltheireffortsareinvain—
Theirvictimsstandundaunted。
Thisverydaytheimp，andghost，Whosepowerstheimpderided，Standeachathisallottedpost—
Thebetisundecided。
Ballad：THEPHANTOMCURATE。AFABLE。
ABISHOPonce—Iwillnotnamehissee—
Annoyedhisclergyinthemodeconventional；
Frompulpitshacklesneversetthemfree，Andfoundasinwheresinwasunintentional。
Allpleasuresendedinabuseauricular—
TheBishopwassoterriblyparticular。
Though，onthewhole，awiseanduprightman，Hesoughttomakeofhumanpleasuresclearances；
Andformhispriestsonthatmuch—laudedplanWhichpaysundueattentiontoappearances。
Hecouldn’tdogooddeedswithoutapsalmin’em，Although，intruth，heboreawaythepalmin’em。
Enragedtofindadeaconatadance，Orcatchacurateatsomemildfrivolity，HesoughtbyopencensuretoenhanceTheirdreadofjoiningharmlesssocialjollity。
Yetheenjoyed（afactofnotoriety）
Theordinarypleasuresofsociety。
Oneevening，sittingatapantomime（Forbiddentreattothosewhostoodinfearofhim），Roaringatjokes，SANSmetre，sense，orrhyme，Heturned，andsawimmediatelyinrearofhim，Hispeaceofmindupsetting，andannoyingit，Acurate，alsoheartilyenjoyingit。
Again，’twasChristmasEve，andtoenhanceHischildren’spleasureintheirharmlessrollicking，He，likeagoodoldfellow，stoodtodance；
Whensomethingcheckedthecurrentofhisfrolicking：
Thatcurate，withamaidhetreatedlover—ly，Stoodupandfiguredwithhiminthe"Coverley!"
Once，yieldingtoanuniversalchoice（Thecompany’sdemandwasanemphaticone，FortheoldBishophadagloriousvoice），Inaquartethejoined—anoperaticone。
Harmlessenough，thoughne’erawordofgraceinit，When，lo!thatcuratecameandtookthebassinit!
Oneday，whenpassingthroughaquietstreet，HestoppedawhileandjoinedaPunch’sgathering；
Andchuckledmorethansolemnfolkthinkmeet，ToseethatgentlemanhisJudylathering；
Andheard，asPunchwasbeingtreatedpenalty，Thatphantomcuratelaughingallhyaenally。
Nowatapicnic，’midfairgoldencurls，Brighteyes，strawhats，BOTTINESthatfitamazingly，Acroquet—boutisplannedbyallthegirls；
Andhe，consenting，speaksofcroquetpraisingly；
Butsuddenlydeclinestoplayatallinit—
Thecuratefiendhascometotakeaballinit!
Next，whenatquietsea—sidevillage，freedFromcaresepiscopalandtiesmonarchical，Hegrowshisbeard，andsmokeshisfragrantweed，Inmanneranythingbuthierarchical—
Hesees—andfixesanunearthlystareonit—
Thatcurate’sface，withhalfayardofhaironit!
Atlengthhegaveacharge，andspakethisword：
"Vicars，yourcuratestoenjoymenturgeyemay；
Tochecktheirharmlesspleasuring’sabsurd；
Whatlaymendowithoutreproach，myclergymay。"
Hespake，andlo!atthisconcludingwordofhim，Thecuratevanished—noonesincehasheardofhim。
Ballad：KINGBORRIABUNGALEEBOO。
KINGBORRIABUNGALEEBOO
Wasaman—eatingAfricanswell；
Hissighwasahullaballoo，Hiswhisperahorribleyell—
Ahorrible，horribleyell!
Foursubjects，andallofthemmale，ToBORRIAdoubledtheknee，Theywereonceonafarlargerscale，Buthe’deatenthebalance，yousee（"Scale"and"balance"ispunning，yousee）。
TherewashaughtyPISH—TUSH—POOH—BAH，TherewaslumberingDOODLE—DUM—DEY，DespairingALACK—A—DEY—AH，AndgoodlittleTOOTLE—TUM—TEH—
ExemplaryTOOTLE—TUM—TEH。
Onedaytherewasgriefinthecrew，Fortheyhadn’tamorselofmeat，AndBORRIABUNGALEEBOO
Wasdyingforsomethingtoeat—
"Come，providemewithsomethingtoeat!
"ALACK—A—DEY，famishedIfeel；
Oh，goodlittleTOOTLE—TUM—TEH，WhereonearthshallIlookforameal？
ForIhaven’tnodinnerto—day!—
Notamorselofdinnerto—day!
"DearTOOTLE—TUM，whatshallwedo？
Come，getusameal，or，intruth，Ifyoudon’t，weshallhavetoeatyou，Oh，adorablefriendofouryouth!
Thoubelovedlittlefriendofouryouth!"
Andheanswered，"Oh，BUNGALEEBOO，ForamomentIhopeyouwillwait，—
TIPPY—WIPPITYTOL—THE—ROL—LOO
IstheQueenofaneighbouringstate—
Aremarkablyneighbouringstate。
"TIPPY—WIPPITYTOL—THE—ROL—LOO，Shewouldpickledeliciouslycold—
AndherfourprettyAmazons，too，Areenticing，andnotveryold—
Twenty—sevenisnotveryold。
"ThereisneatlittleTITTY—FOL—LEH，ThereisrollickingTRAL—THE—RAL—LAH，ThereisjocularWAGGETY—WEH，ThereismusicalDOH—REH—MI—FAH—
There’sthenightingaleDOH—REH—MI—FAH!"
SotheforcesofBUNGALEEBOO
Marchedforthinaterriblerow，AndtheladieswhofoughtforQUEENLOO
Preparedtoencounterthefoe—
Thisdreadful，insatiatefoe!
Buttheysharpenednoweaponsatall，Andtheypoisonednoarrows—notthey!
TheymadereadytoconquerorfallInatotallydifferentway—
Anentirelydifferentway。
Withacrimsonandpearly—whitedyeTheyendeavouredtomakethemselvesfair，Withblacktheyencircledeacheye，Andwithyellowtheypaintedtheirhair（Itwaswool，buttheythoughtitwashair）。
Andtheforcestheymetinthefield：—
AndthemenofKINGBORRIAsaid，"Amazonians，immediatelyyield!"
Andtheirarrowstheydrewtothehead—
Yes，drewthemrightuptothehead。
ButjocularWAGGETY—WEH
OgledDOODLE—DUM—DEY（whichwaswrong），AndneatlittleTITTY—FOL—LEH
Said，"TOOTLE—TUM，yougoalong!
Younaughtyolddear，goalong!"
AndrollickingTRAL—THE—RAL—LAH
TappedALACK—A—DEY—AHwithherfan；
AndmusicalDOH—REH—MI—FAH
Said，"PISH，goaway，youbadman!
Goaway，youdelightfulyoungman!"
AndtheAmazonssimperedandsighed，Andtheyogled，andgiggled，andflushed，Andtheyopenedtheirprettyeyeswide，Andtheychuckled，andflirted，andblushed（Atleast，iftheycould，they’dhaveblushed）。
ButhaughtyPISH—TUSH—POOH—BAH
Said，"ALACK—A—DEY，whatdoesthismean？"
AnddespairingALACK—A—DEY—AH
Said，"Theythinkusuncommonlygreen!
Ha!ha!mostuncommonlygreen!"
EvenblunderingDOODLE—DUM—DEY
Wasinsensiblequitetotheirleers，AndsaidgoodlittleTOOTLE—TUM—TEH，"It’syourbloodwedesire，prettydears—
Wehavecomeforourdinners，mydears!"
AndtheQueenoftheAmazonsfellToBORRIABUNGALEEBOO，—
Inamouthfulhegulped，withayell，TIPPY—WIPPITYTOL—THE—ROL—LOO—
TheprettyQUEENTOL—THE—ROL—LOO。
AndneatlittleTITTY—FOL—LEH
WaseatenbyPISH—POOH—BAH，Andlight—heartedWAGGETY—WEH
BydismalALACK—A—DEY—AH—
DespairingALACK—A—DEY—AH。
AndrollickingTRAL—THE—RAL—LAH
WaseatenbyDOODLE—DUM—DEY，AndmusicalDOH—REH—MI—FAH
BygoodlittleTOOTLE—DUM—TEH—
ExemplaryTOOTLE—TUM—TEH!
Ballad：BOBPOLTER。
BOBPOLTERwasanavvy，andHishandswerecoarse，anddirtytoo，Hishomelyfacewasroughandtanned，Histimeoflifewasthirty—two。
Helivedamongaworkingclan（Awifehehadn’tgotatall），Adecent，steady，soberman—
Nosaint，however—notatall。
Hesmoked，butinamodestway，Becausehethoughtheneededit；
Hedrankapotofbeeraday，Andsometimesheexceededit。
Attimeshe’dpasswithothermenAloudconvivialnightortwo，With，verylikely，nowandthen，OnSaturdays，afightortwo。
Butstillhewasasobersoul，Alabour—never—shirkingman，Whopaidhisway—uponthewholeAdecentEnglishworkingman。
Oneday，whenattheNelson’sHead（Forwhichhemaybeblamedofyou），Aholymanappeared，andsaid，"Oh，ROBERT，I’mashamedofyou。"
HelaidhishandonROBERT’SbeerBeforehecoulddrinkupany，Andonthefloor，withsighandtear，Hepouredthepotof"thruppenny。"
"Oh，ROBERT，atthisverybarAtruthyou’llbediscovering，AgoodandevilgeniusareAroundyournoddlehovering。
"TheybothareheretobidyoushunTheotherone’ssociety，ForTotalAbstinenceisone，Theother，Inebriety。"
Hewavedhishand—avapourcame—
AwizardPOLTERreckonedhim；
Abogyroseandcalledhisname，Andwithhisfingerbeckonedhim。
Themonster’ssalientpointstosum，—
Hisheavybreathwasportery：
Hisglowingnosesuggestedrum：
Hiseyesweregin—and—WORtery。
Hisdresswastorn—fordregsofaleAndslopsofginhadrustedit；
Hispimpledfacewaswanandpale，Wherefilthhadnotencrustedit。