第3章
TheBishop’sgiftspreadsquicklyround；
InPETER’Sleft—offclothestheybound（Histhree—and—twentysuitstheyfoundInfairconditionstill）。
TheBishop’seyeswithwaterfill，QuiteoverjoyedtofindthemstillObedienttohissovereignwill，Andsaid，"GoodRum—ti—Foo!
Half—wayI’llmeetyou，Ideclare：
I’lldressmyselfincowriesrare，Andfastenfeathersinmyhair，Anddancethe’Cutch—chi—boo!’"（13）
AndtoconciliatehisSeeHemarriedPICCADILLILLEE，Theyoungestofhistwenty—three，Tall—neitherfatnorthin。
（AndthoughthedresshemadeherdonLooksawkwardlyagirlupon，ItwasagreatimprovementonTheonehefoundherin。）
TheBishopinhisgaycanoe（Hiswife，ofcourse，wentwithhimtoo）
Tosomeadjacentislandflew，Tospendhishoneymoon。
SomedayinsunnyRum—ti—FooAlittlePETER’llbeonview；
Andthat（ifpeopletellmetrue）
Isliketohappensoon。
Ballad：THEHAUGHTYACTOR。
ANactor—GIBBS，ofDruryLane—
Ofverydecentstation，OncehappenedinaparttogainExcessiveapprobation：
Itsometimesturnsafellow’sbrainAndmakeshimsingularlyvainWhenhebelievesthathereceivesTremendousapprobation。
Hisgreatsuccesshalfdrovehimmad，Butnooneseemedtomindhim；
Well，inanotherpiecehehadAnotherpartassignedhim。
Thispartwassmaller，byabit，Thanthatinwhichhemadeahit。
So，muchill—used，hestraightrefusedToplaythepartassignedhim。
********
THATNIGHTTHATACTORSLEPT，ANDI’LLATTEMPT
TOTELLYOUOFTHEVIVIDDREAMHEDREAMT。
THEDREAM。
Infightingwitharobberband（Athinghelovedsincerely）
AswordstruckGIBBSuponthehand，Andwoundeditseverely。
Atfirsthedidn’theeditmuch，Hethoughtitwasasimpletouch，Butsoonhefoundtheweapon’sboundHadwoundedhimseverely。
ToSurgeonCOBBhemadeatrip，Who’djusteffectedfeatlyAnamputationatthehipParticularlyneatly。
ArisingmanwasSurgeonCOBB
ButthisextremelyticklishjobHehadachieved（ashebelieved）
Particularlyneatly。
Theactorrangthesurgeon’sbell。
"Observemywoundedfinger，Begoodenoughtostrapitwell，Andpritheedonotlinger。
ThatI，dearsir，mayfillagainTheTheatreRoyalDruryLane：
ThisverynightIhavetofight—
Sopritheedonotlinger。"
"Idon’tstrapfingersupfordoles，"
Repliedthehaughtysurgeon；
"Touseyourcant，Idon’tplayROLES
Utilitythatvergeon。
Firstamputation—nothingless—
Thatismylineofbusiness：
WesurgeonnobsdespisealljobsUtilitythatvergeon"Wheninyourhiptherelurksdisease"
（Sodreamtthislivelydreamer），"OrdevastatingCARIES
InHUMERUSorFEMUR，Ifyoucanpayahandsomefee，Oh，thenyoumayrememberme—
WithjoyelateI’llamputateYourHUMERUSorFEMUR。"
ThedisconcertedactorceasedThehaughtyleechtopester，Butwhenthewoundinsizeincreased，Andthenbegantofester，HesoughtalearnedCounsel’slair，AndtoldthatCounsel，thenandthere，HowCOBB’SneglectofhisdefectHadmadehisfingerfester。
"Oh，bringmyaction，ifyouplease，ThecaseIprayyouurgeon，AndwinmethumpingdamagesFromCOBB，thathaughtysurgeon。
HeculpablyneglectedmeAlthoughIprofferedhimhisfee，Sopraycomedown，inwigandgown，OnCOBB，thathaughtysurgeon!"
ThatCounsellearnedinthelaws，Withpassionalmosttrembled。
HejusthadgainedamightycauseBeforethePeersassembled!
Saidhe，"HowdareyouhavethefaceTocomewithCommonJurycaseToonewhowingsrhetoricflingsBeforethePeersassembled？"
Dispiritedbecameourfriend—
Depressedhismoralpecker—
"Butstay!athought!—I’llgainmyend，Andsavemypoorexchequer。
Iwon’tbeplacedupontheshelf，I’lltakeitintoCourtmyself，AndlegalloredisplaybeforeTheCourtoftheExchequer。"
HefoundaBaron—oneofthoseWhowithourlawssupplyus—
Inwigandsilkengownandhose，AsifatNISIPRIUS。
Buthe’djustgiven，offthereel，AfamousjudgmentonAppeal：
ItscarcebecamehisheightenedfameTositatNISIPRIUS。
Ourfriendbegan，witheasywit，Thathalfconcealedhisterror：
"Pooh!"saidtheJudge，"IonlysitInBANCOorinError。
Canyousuppose，myman，thatI’dO’erNISIPRIUSCourtspreside，OrcondescendmytimetospendOnanythingbutError？"
"Toobad，"saidGIBBS，"mycasetoshirk!
Youmustbebadinnately，TosaveyourskillformightyworkBecauseit’svaluedgreatly!"
Butherehewoke，withsuddenstart。
********
Hewrotetosayhe’dplaythepart。
I’vebuttotellheplayeditwell—
Theauthor’swords—hisnativewitCombined，achievedaperfect"hit"—
Thepaperspraisedhimgreatly。
Ballad：THETWOMAJORS。
ANexcellentsoldierwho’sworthythenameLovesofficersdashingandstrict：
Whengood，he’scontentwithescapingallblame，Whennaughty，helikestobelicked。
Helikesforafaulttobebulliedandstormed，Orimprisonedforseveraldays，Andhates，foradutycorrectlyperformed，Tobeslaveredwithsickeningpraise。
NoofficersickenedwithpraiseshisCORPS
SolittleasMAJORLAGUERRE—
NoofficersworeathiswarriorsmoreThanMAJORMAKREDIPREPERE。
Theirsoldiersadoredthem，andeverygradeDelightedtoheartheirabuse；
ThoughwhenevertheseofficerscameonparadeTheyshiveredandshookintheirshoes。
For，oh!ifLAGUERREcouldallpraiseswithhold，Why，socouldMAKREDIPREPERE，And，oh!ifMAKREDIcouldblusterandscold，Why，socouldthemightyLAGUERRE。
"Nodoubtwedeserveit—nomercywecrave—
Goon—you’reconferringaboon；
Wewouldratherbeslangedbyawarriorbrave，Thanpraisedbyawretchedpoltroon!"
MAKREDIwouldsaythatinbattle’sfiercerageTruehappinessonlywasmet：
PoorMAJORMAKREDI，thoughfiftyhisage，Hadneverknownhappinessyet!
LAGUERREwoulddeclare，"WiththebloodofafoeNotippleisworthytoclink。"
Poorfellow!hehadn’t，thoughsixtyorso，Yettastedhisfavouritedrink!
Theyagreedattheirmess—theyagreedintheglass—
Theyagreedinthechoiceoftheir"set，"
Andtheyalsoagreedinadoring，alas!
TheVivandiere，prettyFILLETTE。
Agreement，yousee，maybecarriedtoofar，AndafteragreeingallroundForyears—inthissoldierly"maidofthebar，"
Aboneofcontentiontheyfound!
Itmayseemimpropertocallsuchapet—
Byametaphor，even—abone；
Butthoughtheyagreedinadoringher，yetEachwantedtomakeherhisown。
"Onthedaythatyoumarryher，"mutteredPREPERE
（Withapistolhequietlyplayed），"I’llscatterthebrainsinyournoddle，Iswear，Alloverthestonyparade!"
"IcannotdoTHATtoyou，"answeredLAGUERRE，"Whatevereventsmaybefall；
ButthisICANdo—IFYOUwedher，MONCHER!
I’lleatyou，moustachiosandall!"
Therivals，althoughtheywouldneverengage，Yetquarrelledwhenevertheymet；
Theymetinafuryandleftinarage，ButneithertookprettyFILLETTE。
"Iamnotafraid，"thoughtMAKREDIPREPERE：
"ForcountryI’mreadytofall；
Butnobodywants，foramereVivandiere，Tobeeaten，moustachiosandall!
"Besides，thoughLAGUERREhashisfaults，I’llallowHe’soneofthebravestofmen：
Mygoodness!ifIdisagreewithhimnow，Imightdisagreewithhimthen。"
"NocowardamI，"saidLAGUERRE，"asyouguess—
Isneeratanenemy’sblade；
ButIdon’twantPREPEREtogetintoamessForsplashingthestonyparade!"
OnedayonparadetoPREPEREandLAGUERRE
CameCORPORALJACOTDEBETTE，Andtremblingallover，heprayedofthemthereTogivehimtheprettyFILLETTE。
"Yousee，IamwillingtomarrymybrideUntilyou’vearrangedthisaffair；
IwillblowoutmybrainswhenyourhonoursdecideWhichmarriesthesweetVivandiere!"
"Well，takeher，’saidbothoftheminaduet（Afavouriteformofreply），"ButwhenIamreadytomarryFILLETTE。
Rememberyou’vepromisedtodie!"
Hemarriedherthen：fromthefloweryplainsOfexistencetherosestheycull：
Helivedandhediedwithhiswife；andhisbrainsArereposinginpeaceinhisskull。
Ballad：EMILY，JOHN，JAMES，ANDI。ADERBYLEGEND。
EMILYJANEwasanurserymaid，JAMESwasaboldLifeGuard，JOHNwasaconstable，poorlypaid（AndIamadoggerelbard）。
AverygoodgirlwasEMILYJANE，JIMMYwasgoodandtrue，JOHNwasaverygoodmaninthemain（AndIamagoodmantoo）。
RivalsforEMMIEwereJOHNNYandJAMES，ThoughEMILYlikedthemboth；
Shecouldn’ttellwhichhadthestrongestclaims（AndIcouldn’ttakemyoath）。
Butsoonerorlateryou’recertaintofindYoursentimentscan’tliehid—
JANEthoughtitwastimethatshemadeuphermind（AndIthinkitwastimeshedid）。
SaidJANE，withasmirk，andablushonherface，"I’llpromisetowedtheboyWhotakesmeto—morrowtoEpsomRace!"
（WhichIwouldhavedone，withjoy）。
FromJOHNNYescapedanexpressionofpain，ButJimmysaid，"Donewithyou!
I’lltakeyouwithpleasure，myEMILYJANE!"
（AndIwouldhavesaidsotoo）。
JOHNlayontheground，andheroaredlikemad（ForJOHNNYwassoreperplexed），Andhekickedveryhardataverysmalllad（WhichIoftendo，whenvexed）。
ForJOHNwasondutynextdaywiththeForce，TopunishallEpsomcrimes；
YoungpeopleWILLcrosswhenthey’reclearingthecourse（Idoitmyself，sometimes）。
********
TheDerbyDaysunglitteredgailyoncads，Onmaidenswithgambogehair，Onsharpersandpickpockets，swindlersandpads，（ForI，withmyharp，wasthere）。
AndJIMMYwentdownwithhisJANEthatday，AndJOHNbythecollarornapeSeizedeverybodywhocameinhisway（AndIhadanarrowescape）。
HenoticedhisEMILYJANEwithJIM，Andenviedthewell—madeelf；
Andpeopleremarkedthathemuttered"Oh，dim!"
（Ioftensay"dim!"myself）。
JOHNdoggedthemallday，withoutaskingtheirleaves；
Forhissergeanthetold，aside，ThatJIMMYandJANEwerenotoriousthieves（AndIthinkhewasjustified）。
ButJAMESwouldn’tdreamofabstractingafork，AndJENNYwouldblushwithshameAtstealingsomuchasabottleorcork（AbottleIthinkfairgame）。
But，ah!there’sanothermoreseriouscrime!
TheywickedlystrayeduponThecourse，atacriticalmomentoftime（IpointedthemouttoJOHN）。
Theconstablefellonthepairinacrack—
Andthen，withademonsmile，LetJENNYcrossover，butsentJIMMYback（Iplayedonmyharpthewhile）。
SternJOHNNYtheiragonyloudderidesWithaverytriumphantsneer—
Theyweepandtheywailfromtheoppositesides（AndIshedasilenttear）。
AndJENNYiscryingawaylikemad，AndJIMMYisswearinghard；
AndJOHNNYislookinguncommonlyglad（AndIamadoggerelbard）。
ButJIMMYheventuredoncrossingagainThescenesofourIsthmianGames—
JOHNcaughthim，andcollaredhim，givinghimpain（IfeltverymuchforJAMES）。
JOHNledhimawaywithavictor’shand，AndJIMMYwasshortlyseenInthestation—houseunderthegrandGrandStand（AsmanyatimeI’VEbeen）。
AndJIMMY，badboy，wasimprisonedforlife，ThoughEMILYpleadedhard；
AndJOHNNYhadEMILYJANEtowife（AndIamadoggerelbard）。
Ballad：THEPERILSOFINVISIBILITY。
OLDPETERledawretchedlife—
OldPETERhadafuriouswife；
OldPETERtoowastrulystout，Hemeasuredseveralyardsabout。
ThelittlefairyPICKLEKIN
Onesummerafternoonlookedin，Andsaid，"OldPETER，howdedo？
CanIdoanythingforyou？
"Ihavethreegifts—thefirstwillgiveUnboundedricheswhileyoulive；
Thesecondhealthwhere’eryoube；
Thethird，invisibility。"
"OlittlefairyPICKLEKIN，"
OldPETERansweredwithagrin，"Tohesitatewouldbeabsurd，—
UndoubtedlyIchoosethethird。"
"’Tisyours，"thefairysaid；"bequiteInvisibletomortalsightWhene’eryouplease。RemembermeMostkindly，pray，toMRS。P。"
OldMRS。PETERoverheardWeePICKLEKIN’Sconcludingword，And，jealousofhergirlhood’schoice，Said，"Thatwassomeyoungwoman’svoice：
OldPETERletherscoldandswear—
OldPETER，blesshim，didn’tcare。
"Mydear，yourrageiswastedquite—
Observe，Idisappearfromsight!"
Awell—bredfairy（soI’veheard）
Isalwaysfaithfultoherword：
OldPETERvanishedlikeashot，Putthen—HISSUITOFCLOTHESDIDNOT!
ForwhenconferredthefairyslimInvisibilityonHIM，Shepoppedawayonfairywings，Withoutreferringtohis"things。"
Sothereremainedacoatofblue，Avestanddoubleeyeglasstoo，Histail，hisshoes，hissocksaswell，Hispairof—no，Imustnottell。
OldMRS。PETERsoonbeganToseethefailureofhisplan，Andthenresolved（IquotetheBard）
To"hoisthimwithhisownpetard。"
OldPETERwokenextdayanddressed，Putonhiscoat，andshoes，andvest，Hisshirtandstock；BUTCOULDNOTFIND
HISONLYPAIROF—nevermind!
OldPETERwasadecentman，Andthoughhetwiggedhislady’splan，Yet，hearingherapproaching，heResumedinvisibility。
"DearMRS。P。，myonlyjoy，"
Exclaimedthehorrifiedoldboy，"Now，givethemup，Ibegofyou—
YouknowwhatI’mreferringto!"
Butno；thecrossoldladysworeShe’dkeephis—whatIsaidbefore—
Tomakehimpubliclyabsurd；
AndMRS。PETERkeptherword。
Thepooroldfellowhadnorest；
Hiscoat，hisstick，hisshoes，hisvest，Wereallthatnowmetmortaleye—
Therest，invisibility!
"Now，madam，givethemup，Ibeg—
I’vehadrheumaticsinmyleg；
Besides，untilyoudo，it’splainIcannotcometosightagain!
"ForthoughsomemirthitmightaffordToseemyclotheswithouttheirlord，YettherewouldriseindignantoathsIfhewereseenwithouthisclothes!"
Butno；resolvedtohaveherquiz，Theladyheldherown—andhis—
AndPETERlefthishumblecotTofindapairof—youknowwhat。
But—here’stheworstoftheaffair—
Whene’erhecameacrossapairAlreadyplacedforhimtodon，Hewastoostouttogetthemon!
Soheresolvedatoncetotrain，Andwalkedandwalkedwithallhismain；
Foryearshepacedthismortalearth，Tobringhimselftodecentgirth。
Atnight，whenallaroundisstill，You’llfindhimpoundingupahill；
Andshriekingpeasantswhomhemeets，Falldowninterroronthepeats!
OldPETERwalksthroughwindandrain，Resolvedtotrain，andtrain，andtrain，Untilheweighstwelvestone’orso—
Andwhenhedoes，I’llletyouknow。
Ballad：THEMYSTICSELVAGEE。
PERHAPSalreadyyoumayknowSIRBLENNERHASSETPORTICO？
ACaptainintheNavy，he—
ABaronetandK。C。B。
Youdo？Ithoughtso!
ItwasthatCaptain’sfavouritewhim（Anotionnotconfinedtohim）
ThatRODNEYwasthegreatesttarWhoeverwieldedcapstan—bar。
Hehadbeentaughtso。
"BENBOW!CORNWALLIS!HOOD!—Belay!
ComparedwithRODNEY"—hewouldsay—
"Noothertariswortharap!
ThegreatLORDRODNEYwasthechapTheFrenchtopolish!
"Though，mindyou，IrespectLORDHOOD；
CORNWALLIS，too，wasrathergood；
BENBOWcouldenemiesrepel，LORDNELSON，too，wasprettywell—
Thatis，tol—lol—ish!"
SIRBLENNERHASSETspenthisdaysInlearningRODNEY’Slittleways，Andcloselyimitated，too，Hismodeoftalkingtohiscrew—
Hisportandpaces。
AnancienttarhetriedtocatchWho’dservedinRODNEY’Sfamousbatch；
Butsincehistimelongyearshavefled，AndRODNEY’Starsaremostlydead：
EHEUFUGACES!
Butaftersearchingnearandfar，AtlasthefoundanancienttarWhoservedwithRODNEYandhiscrewAgainsttheFrenchin’Eighty—two，（Thatgainedthepeerage）。
Hegavehimfiftypoundsayear，Hisrum，hisbaccy，andhisbeer；
AndhadacomfortabledenRiggedupinwhat，bymerchantmen，Iscalledthesteerage。
"Now，JASPER"—’twasthatsailor’sname—
"Don’tfearthatyou’llincurmyblameBysaying，whenitseemstoyou，ThatthereisanythingIdoThatRODNEYwouldn’t。"
Theancientsailorturnedhisquid，Preparedtodoashewasbid：
"Ay，ay，yerhonour；tobegin，You’vedoneawaywith’swiftingin’—
Well，sir，youshouldn’t!
"UponyoursparsIseeyou’veclappedPeakhalliardblocks，alliron—capped。
Iwouldnotchristenthatacrime，But’twasnotdoneinRODNEY’Stime。
Itlookshalf—witted!
Uponyourmaintop—stay，Isee，Youalwaysclapaselvagee!
Yourstays，Isee，areequalized—
Novessel，suchasRODNEYprized，Wouldthusbefitted!
"AndRODNEY，honouredsir，wouldgrinToseeyouturningdeadeyesin，NotUP，asintheancientway，Butdownwards，likeacutter’sstay—
Youdidn’toughter；
Besides，inseizingshroudsonboard，Breastbackstaysyouhavequiteignored；
GreatRODNEYkeptuntothelastBreastbackstaysontopgallantmast—
Theymakeittauter。"
SIRBLENNERHASSET"swiftedin，"
Turneddeadeyesup，andlentafinTostrip（astoldbyJASPERKNOX）
Theironcappingfromhisblocks，Wheretherewasany。
SIRBLENNERHASSETdoesaway，Withselvageesfrommaintop—stay；
Andthoughitmakeshissailorsstare，Herigsbreastbackstayseverywhere—
Infact，toomany。
Onemorning，whenthesaucycraftLaycalmed，oldJASPERtoddledaft。
"Mymindmisgivesme，sir，thatweWerewrongaboutthatselvagee—
Ishouldrestoreit。"
"Good，"saidtheCaptain，andthatdayRestoredittothemaintop—stay。
Well—practisedsailorsoftenmakeAmuchmoreseriousmistake，Andthenignoreit。
NextdayoldJASPERcameoncemore：
"Ithink，sir，Iwasrightbefore。"
Well，upthemastthesailorsskipped，Theselvageewassoonunshipped，Andallweremerry。
Againaday，andJASPERcame：
"Ip’r’apsdeserveyourhonour’sblame，Ican’tmakeupmymind，"saidhe，"Aboutthatcursedselvagee—
It’sfoolish—very。
"OnMondaynightIcouldhaveswornThatmaintop—stayitshouldadorn，OnTuesdaymorningIcouldswearThatselvageeshouldnotbethere。
Theknot’sarasper!"
"Oh，youbehanged，"saidCAPTAINP。，"Here，goashoreatCaribbee。
Getout—goodbye—shoveoff—allright!"
OldJASPERsoonwasoutofsight—
Farewell，oldJASPER!
Ballad：PHRENOLOGY。
"COME，collarthisbadman—
AroundthethroatheknottedmeTillItochokebegan—
Inpointoffact，garottedme!"
SospakeSIRHERBERTWRITE
ToJAMES，PolicemanThirty—two—
AllruffledwithhisfightSIRHERBERTwas，anddirtytoo。
Policemannothingsaid（Thoughhehadmuchtosayonit），Butfromthebadman’sheadHetookthecapthatlayonit。
"No，greatSIRHERBERTWHITE—
Impossibletotakehimup。
Thismanishonestquite—
Whereverdidyourakehimup？
"ForBurglars，Thieves，andCo。，Indeed，I’mnoapologist，ButI，someyearsago，AssistedaPhrenologist。
"Observehisvariousbumps，HisheadasIuncoverit：
HismoralslieinlumpsAllroundaboutandoverit。"
"Nowtakehim，"saidSIRWHITE，"Oryouwillsoonberueingit；
Blessme!Imustberight，—
Icaughtthefellowdoingit!"
Policemancalmlysmiled，"Indeedyouaremistaken，sir，You’reagitated—riled—
Andverybadlyshaken，sir。
"Sitdown，andI’llexplainMysystemofPhrenology，Asecond，please，remain"—
（Asecondishorology）。
Policemanlefthisbeat—
（TheBart。，nolongerfurious，Satdownuponaseat，Observing，"Thisiscurious!"）
"Oh，surely，herearesignsShouldsoftenyourrigidity：
ThisgentlemancombinesPolitenesswithtimidity。
"OfShynesshere’salump—
AholeforAnimosity—
AndlikemyfisthisbumpOfImpecuniosity。
"JustherethebumpappearsOfInnocentHilarity，AndjustbehindhisearsAreFaith，andHope，andCharity。
HeoftrueChristianwaysAsbrightexamplesentusis—
Thismaximheobeys，’SORTETUACONTENTUSSIS。’
"There，lethimgohisways，Heneedsnosternadmonishing。"
TheBart。，inblankamaze，Exclaimed，"Thisisastonishing!
"IMUSThavemadeamull，ThismatterI’vebeenblindinit：
Examine，please，MYskull，Andtellmewhatyoufindinit。"
ThatCrusherlooked，andsaid，Withunimpairedurbanity，"SIRHERBERT，you’veaheadThatteemswithinhumanity。
"Here’sMurder，Envy，Strife（Propensitytokillany），AndLiesaslargeaslife，AndheapsofSocialVillany。
"Here’sLoveofBran—NewClothes，Embezzling—Arson—Deism—
AtasteforSlangandOaths，AndFraudulentTrusteeism。
"Here’sLoveofGroundlessCharge—
Here’sMalice，too，andTrickery，UnusuallylargeYourbumpofPocket—Pickery—"
"Stop!"saidtheBart。，"mycupIsfull—I’mworsethanhiminall；
Policeman，takemeup—
NodoubtIamsomecriminal!"
ThatPleeceman’sscorngrewlarge（Phrenologyhadnettledit），HetookthatBart。incharge—
Idon’tknowhowtheysettledit。
Ballad：THEFAIRYCURATE。
ONCEafairyLightandairyMarriedwithamortal；
Men，however，Never，neverPassthefairyportal。
Slylystealing，ShetoEalingMadeadailyjourney；
Thereshefoundhim，Clientsroundhim（Hewasanattorney）。
Longtheytarried，Thentheymarried。
WhentheceremonyOncewasended，OfftheywendedOntheirmoonofhoney。
Twelvemonth，maybe，Sawababy（Friendsperformedanorgie）。
Muchtheyprizedhim，AndbaptizedhimBythenameofGEORGIE，GEORGIEgrewup；
ThenheflewupTohisfairymother。
Happymeeting—
Pleasantgreeting—
Kissingoneanother。
"ChooseacallingMostenthralling，Isincerelyurgeye。"
"Mother，"saidhe（Rev’rencemadehe），"Iwouldjointheclergy。
"GivepermissionInaddition—
Pawillletmedoit：
There’salivingInhisgiving—
He’llappointmetoit。
Dreamsofcoff’ring，Easteroff’ring，Titheandrentandpew—rate，Soinflameme（Donotblameme），ThatI’llbeacurate。"
She，withpleasure，Said，"Mytreasure，’Tismywishprecisely。
Doyourduty，There’sabeauty；
Youhavechosenwisely。
TellyourfatherIwouldratherAsachurchmanrankyou。
You，inclover，I’llwatchover。"
GEORGIEsaid，"Oh，thankyou!"
GEORGIEscudded，Wentandstudied，Madeallpreparations，Andwithcredit（Thoughhesaidit）
Passedexaminations。
（DonotquarrelWithhim，moral，Scrupulousdigestions—
’Twashismother，Andnoother，Answeredallthequestions。）
Timeproceeded；
LittleneededGEORGIEadmonition：
He，elated，VindicatedClergyman’sposition。
PeopleroundhimAlwaysfoundhimPlainandunpretending；
Kindlyteaching，Plainlypreaching，Allhismoneylending。
Sothefairy，Wiseandwary，Feltnosorrowrising—
NooccasionForpersuasion，Warning，oradvising。
He，resumingFairypluming（That’snotEnglish，isit？）
Oftwouldflyup，Totheskyup，Paymammaavisit。
********
Timeprogressing，GEORGIE’SblessingGrewmoreRitualistic—
Popishscandals，Tonsures—sandals—
Genuflectionsmystic；
Gushingmeetings—
Bosom—beatings—
Heavenlyecstatics—
Broideredspencers—
Copesandcensers—
Rochetsanddalmatics。
ThisquandaryVexedthefairy—
FlewshedowntoEaling。
"GEORGIE，stopit!
Prayyou，dropit；
Harktomyappealing：
TothisfoolishPapalrule—ishTwaddleputanending；
ThisaswerveisFromourServicePlainandunpretending。"
He，replying，Answered，sighing，Hawing，hemming，humming，"It’sapity—
They’resopritty；
Yetinmodebecoming，Mothertender，I’llsurrender—
I’llbeunaffected—"
ButhisBishopIntoHISshopEnteredunexpected!
"Whoisthis，sir，—
Balletmiss，sir？"
SaidtheBishopcoldly。
"’Tismymother，Andnoother，"
GEORGIEansweredboldly。
"Goalong，sir!
Youarewrong，sir；
Youhaveyearsinplenty，Whilethishussy（Graciousmussy!）
Isn’ttwoandtwenty!"
（FairiescleverNever，neverGrowinvisageolder；
Andthefairy，Allunwary，Leantuponhisshoulder!）
Bishopgrievedhim，Disbelievedhim；
GEORGEthepointgrewwarmon；
Changedreligion，Likeapigeon，（14）
AndbecameaMormon!
Ballad：THEWAYOFWOOING。
AMAIDENsatatherwindowwide，PrettyenoughforaPrince’sbride，Yetnobodycametoclaimher。
Shesatlikeabeautifulpicturethere，Withprettybluebellsandrosesfair，Andjasmine—leavestoframeher。
Andwhyshesattherenobodyknows；
Butthisshesangasshepluckedarose，Theleavesaroundherstrewing：
"I’vetimetoloseandpowertochoose；
’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos，Butthegallant’sWAYofwooing!"
Alovercameridingbyawhile，Awealthyloverwashe，whosesmileSomemaidswouldvaluegreatly—
Aformallover，whobowedandbent，Withmanyahigh—flowncompliment，Andcolddemeanourstately，"You’vestill，"saidshetohersuitorstern，"The’prentice—workofyourcrafttolearn，Ifthusyoucomea—cooing。
I’vetimetoloseandpowertochoose；
’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos，Asthegallant’sWAYofwooing!"
Asecondlovercameamblingby—
AtimidladwithafrightenedeyeAndacolourmantlinghighly。
Hemutteredtheerrandonwhichhe’dcome，Thenonlychuckledandbithisthumb，Andsimpered，simperedshyly。
"No，"saidthemaiden，"goyourway；
Youdarebutthinkwhatamanwouldsay，Yetdaretocomea—suing!
I’vetimetoloseandpowertochoose；
’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos，Asthegallant’sWAYofwooing!"
Athirdrodeupatastartlingpace—
Asuitorpoor，withahomelyface—
Nodoubtsappearedtobindhim。
Hekissedherlipsandhepressedherwaist，Andoffherodewiththemaiden，placedOnapillionsafebehindhim。
AndsheheardthesuitorboldconfideThisgoldenhinttothepriestwhotiedTheknotthere’snoundoing；
Withprettyyoungmaidenswhocanchoose，’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos，Asthegallant’sWAYofwooing!"
Ballad：HONGREEANDMAHRY。ARECOLLECTIONOFASURREYMELODRAMA。
THEsunwassettinginitswontedwest，WhenHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，MetMAHRYDAUBIGNY，theVillageRose，UndertheWizard’sOak—oldtrysting—placeOfthosewholovedinrosyAquitaine。
Theythoughtthemselvesunwatched，buttheywerenot；
ForHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，FoundinLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLESDUBOSC
Arival，enviousandunscrupulous，Whothoughtitnotfoulscorntododgehissteps，Andlisten，unperceived，toallthatpassedBetweenthesimplelittleVillageRoseAndHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。
Aclumsybarrack—bullywasDUBOSC，Quiteunfamiliarwiththewell—bredtactThatanimatesapropergentlemanIndealingwithagirlofhumblerank。
You’llunderstandhiscoarsenesswhenIsayHewouldhavemarriedMAHRYDAUBIGNY，AnddraggedtheunsophisticatedgirlIntothewhirloffashionablelife，Forwhichhersingularlyrusticways，Herbreeding（moral，butextremelyrude），Herlanguage（chaste，butungrammatical），Wouldabsolutelyhaveunfittedher。
HowdifferenttothisunreflectingboorWasHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。
ContemporarywiththeincidentRelatedinouropeningparagraph，Wasthatsadwar’twixtGalliaandourselvesThatfollowedonthetreatysignedatTroyes；
AndsoLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLESDUBOSC
（Bravesoldier，he，withallhisfaultsofstyle）
AndHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，WeresentbyCHARLESofFranceagainstthelinesOfourSixthHENRY（Fourteentwenty—nine），TodrivehislegionsoutofAquitaine。
WhenHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，Returned，suspectingnothing，tohiscamp，AfterhismeetingwiththeVillageRose，Hefoundinsidehisbarrackletter—boxAnotefromthecommandingofficer，Requiringhisattendanceathead—quarters。
Hewent，andfoundLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLES。
"YoungHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，ThisnightweshallattacktheEnglishcamp：
Bethe’forlornhope’yours—you’llleadit，sir，Andleadittoowithcredit，I’venodoubt。
Aseverymanmustcertainlybekilled（Foryouaretwenty’gainsttwothousandmen），Itisnotlikelythatyouwillreturn。
Butwhatofthat？you’llhavethebenefitOfknowingthatyoudieasoldier’sdeath。"
ObediencewasyoungHONGREE’Sstrongestpoint，ButheimaginedthatheonlyowedAllegiancetohisMAHRYandhisKing。
"IfMAHRYbademeleadthesefatedmen，I’dleadthem—butIdonotthinkshewould。
IfCHARLES，myKing，said，’Go，myson，anddie，’
I’dgo，ofcourse—mydutywouldbeclear。
ButMAHRYisinbedasleep，Ihope，AndCHARLES，myKing，ahundredleaguesfromthis。
AsforLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLESDUBOSC，HowknowIthatourmonarchwouldapproveTheorderhehasgivenmeto—night？
MyKingI’vesworninallthingstoobey—
I’llonlytakemyordersfrommyKing!"
ThusHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，Interpretedthetermsofhiscommission。
AndHONGREE，whowaswiseashewasgood，Disguisedhimselfthatnightinamplecloak，Roundflappinghat，andvizormaskofblack，Andmade，unnoticed，fortheEnglishcamp。
Hepassedtheunsuspectingsentinels（WholittlethoughtamaninthisdisguiseCouldbeaproperobjectofsuspicion），Anderethecurfewbellhadboomed"lightsout，"
HefoundinaudienceBedford’shaughtyDuke。
"YourGrace，"hesaid，"startnot—benotalarmed，AlthoughaFrenchmanstandsbeforeyoureyes。
I’mHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。
MyColonelwillattackyourcampto—night，Andordersmetoleadthehopeforlorn。
NowIamsureourexcellentKINGCHARLES
Wouldnotapproveofthis；buthe’sawayAhundredleagues，andrathermorethanthat。
So，utterlydevotedtomyKing，Blindedbymyattachmenttothethrone，Andhavingbutitsinterestatheart，IfeelitismydutytodiscloseAllschemesthatemanatefromCOLONELJOOLES，IfIbelievethattheyarenotthekindOfschemesthatourgoodmonarchwouldapprove。"
"Buthow，"saidBedford’sDuke，"doyouproposeThatweshouldoverthrowyourColonel’sscheme？"
AndHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores，Repliedatoncewithnever—failingtact：
"Oh，sir，Iknowthiscursedcountrywell。
Entrustyourselfandallyourhosttome；
I’llleadyousafelybyasecretpathIntotheheartofCOLONELJOOLES’array，Andyoucanthenattackthemunprepared，Andslaymyfellow—countrymenunarmed。"
Thethingwasdone。TheDUKEofBEDFORDgaveTheorder，andtwothousandfightingmenCreptsilentlyintotheGalliccamp，AndslewtheFrenchmenastheylayasleep；
AndBedford’shaughtyDukeslewCOLONELJOOLES，AndgavefairMAHRY，prideofAquitaine，ToHONGREE，Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。
Ballad：ETIQUETTE。（15）
THEBALLYSHANNONfounderedoffthecoastofCariboo，Anddowninfathomsmanywentthecaptainandthecrew；
Downwenttheowners—greedymenwhomhopeofgainallured：
Oh，drythestartingtear，fortheywereheavilyinsured。
Besidesthecaptainandthemate，theownersandthecrew，Thepassengerswerealsodrownedexceptingonlytwo：
YoungPETERGRAY，whotastedteasforBAKER，CROOP，ANDCO。，AndSOMERS，whofromEasternshoresimportedindigo。
Thesepassengers，byreasonoftheirclingingtoamast，Uponadesertislandwereeventuallycast。
Theyhuntedfortheirmeals，asALEXANDERSELKIRKused，Buttheycouldn’tchattogether—theyhadnotbeenintroduced。
ForPETERGRAY，andSOMERStoo，thoughcertainlyintrade，Wereproperlyparticularaboutthefriendstheymade；
Andsomehowthustheysettleditwithoutawordofmouth—
ThatGRAYshouldtakethenorthernhalf，whileSOMERStookthesouth。
OnPETER’Sportionoystersgrew—adelicacyrare，ButoysterswereadelicacyPETERcouldn’tbear。
OnSOMERS’sidewasturtle，ontheshinglelyingthick，WhichSOMERScouldn’teat，becauseitalwaysmadehimsick。
GRAYgnashedhisteethwithenvyashesawamightystoreOfturtleunmolestedonhisfellow—creature’sshore。
Theoystersathisfeetasideimpatientlyheshoved，Forturtleandhismotherweretheonlythingsheloved。
AndSOMERSsighedinsorrowashesettledinthesouth，ForthethoughtofPETER’Soystersbroughtthewatertohismouth。
Helongedtolayhimdownupontheshellybed，andstuff：
Hehadofteneatenoysters，buthadneverhadenough。
HowtheywishedanintroductiontoeachothertheyhadhadWhenonboardtheBALLYSHANNON!AnditdrovethemnearlymadTothinkhowveryfriendlywitheachothertheymightget，Ifitwasn’tforthearbitraryruleofetiquette!
Oneday，whenouta—huntingfortheMUSRIDICULUS，GRAYoverheardhisfellow—mansoliloquizingthus：
"Iwonderhowtheplaymatesofmyyoutharegettingon，M’CONNELL，S。B。WALTERS，PADDYBYLES，andROBINSON？"
ThesesimplewordsmadePETERasdelightedascouldbe，OldchummiesattheCharterhousewereROBINSONandhe!
HewalkedstraightuptoSOMERS，thenheturnedextremelyred，Hesitated，hummedandhawedabit，thenclearedhisthroat，andsaid：
Ibegyourpardon—prayforgivemeifIseemtoobold，ButyouhavebreathedanameIknewfamiliarlyofold。
YouspokealoudofROBINSON—Ihappenedtobeby。
Youknowhim？""Yes，extremelywell。""Allowme，sodoI。"
Itwasenough：theyfelttheycouldmorepleasantlygeton，For（ah，themagicofthefact!）theyeachknewROBINSON!
AndMr。SOMERS’turtlewasatPETER’Sservicequite，AndMr。SOMERSpunishedPETER’Soyster—bedsallnight。
Theysoonbecamelikebrothersfromcommunityofwrongs：
Theywroteeachotherlittleodesandsangeachothersongs；
Theytoldeachotheranecdotesdisparagingtheirwives；
Onseveraloccasions，too，theysavedeachother’slives。
Theyfeltquitemelancholywhentheypartedforthenight，Andgotupinthemorningsoonaseveritwaslight；
Eachother’spleasantcompanytheyreckonedsoupon，AndallbecauseithappenedthattheybothknewROBINSON!
Theylivedformanyyearsonthatinhospitableshore，Anddaybydaytheylearnedtoloveeachothermoreandmore。
Atlast，totheirastonishment，ongettinguponeday，Theysawafrigateanchoredintheoffingofthebay。
ToPETERanideaoccurred。"Supposewecrossthemain？
Sogoodanopportunitymaynotbefoundagain。"
AndSOMERSthoughtaminute，thenejaculated，"Done!
IwonderhowmybusinessintheCity’sgettingon？"
"Butstay，"saidMr。PETER："wheninEngland，asyouknow，IearnedalivingtastingteasforBAKER，CROOP，ANDCO。，Imaybesuperseded—myemployersthinkmedead!"
"Thencomewithme，"saidSOMERS，"andtasteindigoinstead。"
ButalltheirplanswerescatteredinamomentwhentheyfoundThevesselwasaconvictshipfromPortland，outwardbound；
Whenaboatcameofftofetchthem，thoughtheyfeltitverykind，Togoonboardtheyfirmlybutrespectfullydeclined。
Asboththehappysettlersroaredwithlaughteratthejoke，Theyrecognizedagentlemanlyfellowpullingstroke：
’TwasROBINSON—aconvict，inanunbecomingfrock!
Condemnedtosevenyearsformisappropriatingstock!!!
Theylaughednomore，forSOMERSthoughthehadbeenratherrashInknowingonewhosefriendhadmisappropriatedcash；
AndPETERthoughtafoolishtackhemusthavegoneuponInmakingtheacquaintanceofafriendofROBINSON。
Atfirsttheydidn’tquarrelveryopenly，I’veheard；
Theynoddedwhentheymet，andnowandthenexchangedaword：
Thewordgrewrare，andrarerstillthenoddingofthehead，Andwhentheymeeteachothernow，theycuteachotherdead。
Toallocatetheislandtheyagreedbywordofmouth，AndPETERtakesthenorthagain，andSOMERStakesthesouth；
AndPETERhastheoysters，whichhehates，inlayersthick，AndSOMERShastheturtle—turtlealwaysmakeshimsick。
Ballad：ATAPANTOMIME。BYABILIOUSONE。
ANActorsitsindoubtfulgloom，Hisstock—in—tradeunfurled，Inadampfunerealdressing—roomIntheTheatreRoyal，World。
HecomestotownatChristmas—time，Andbravesitsicybreath，Toplayinthatfavouritepantomime，HARLEQUINLIFEANDDEATH。
AhoaryflowingwighisweirdUnearthlycraniumcaps，HehangsalongbenevolentbeardOnapairofemptychaps。
TosmoothhisghastlyfeaturesdownTheactor’sarthecribs，—
Alongandaflowingpaddedgown。
Bedeckshisrattlingribs。
Hecries，"Goon—begin，begin!
Turnonthelightoflime—
I’mdressedforjollyOldChristmas，inAfavouritepantomime!"
Thecurtain’sup—thestageallblack—
Timeandtheyearnighsped—
Timeasanadvertisingquack—
TheOldYearnearlydead。
ThewandofTimeiswaved，andlo!
RevealedOldChristmasstands，Andlittlechildrenchuckleandcrow，Andlaughandclaptheirhands。
ThecrueloldscoundrelbrightensupAtthedeathoftheOldenYear，Andhewavesagorgeousgoldencup，Andbidstheworldgoodcheer。
ThelittleoneshailthefestiveKing，—
Nothoughtcanmakethemsad。
Theirlaughtercomeswithasoundingring，Theyclapandcrowlikemad!
TheyonlyseeinthehumbugoldAholidayeveryyear，Andhandsomegifts，andjoysuntold，Andunaccustomedcheer。
Theoldones，palsied，blear，andhoar，Theirbreastsinanguishbeat—
They’veseenhimseventytimesbefore，Howwelltheyknowthecheat!
They’veseenthatghastlypantomime，They’vefeltitsblightingbreath，TheyknowthatrollickingChristmas—timeMeantColdandWantandDeath，—
Starvation—PoorLawUnionfare—
Anddeadlycrampsandchills，Andillness—illnesseverywhere，Andcrime，andChristmasbills。
TheyknowOldChristmaswell，Iween，Thosemenofripenedage；
They’veoften，often，oftenseenThatActoroffthestage!
TheyseeinhisgayrotundityAclumsystuffed—outdress—
TheyseeinthecuphewavesonhighAtinselledemptiness。
Thoseagedmensoleanandwan，They’veseenitallbefore，Theyknowthey’llseethecharlatanButtwiceorthreetimesmore。
Andsotheybearwithdanceandsong，Andcrimsonfoilandgreen，Theywearilysit，andgrimlylongFortheTransformationScene。
Ballad：HAUNTED。
HAUNTED？Ay，inasocialwayByabodyofghostsindreadarray；
Butnoconventionalspectresthey—
Appalling，grim，andtricky：
IquailatmineasI’dneverquailAtafinetraditionalspectrepale，Withaturnipheadandaghostlywail，Andasplashofbloodonthedickey!
Minearehorrible，socialghosts，—
Speechesandwomenandguestsandhosts，Weddingsandmorningcallsandtoasts，Ineverybadvariety：
GhostswhohoveraboutthegraveOfallthat’smanly，free，andbrave：
You’llfindtheirnamesonthearchitraveOfthatcharnel—house，Society。
BlackMonday—blackasitsschool—roomink—
WithitsdismalboysthatsnivelandthinkOfitsnauseousmessestoeatanddrink，Anditsfrozentanktowashin。
Thatwasthefirstthatbroughtmegrief，Andmademeweep，tillIsoughtreliefInanemblematicalhandkerchief，Tochokesuchbabyboshin。
Firstandworstinthegrimarray—
Ghostsofghoststhathavegonetheirway，WhichIwouldn’treviveforasingledayForallthewealthofPLUTUS—
Arethehorribleghoststhatschool—daysscared：
IftheclassicalghostthatBRUTUSdaredWastheghostofhis"Caesar"unprepared，I’msureIpityBRUTUS。
Ipasstocriticalseventeen；
Theghostofthatterribleweddingscene，WhenanelderlyColonelstolemyQueen，Andwokemydreamofheaven。
Noschoolgirldeckedinhernurse—roomcurlsWasmygushinginnocentQueenofPearls；
Ifshewasn’tagirlofathousandgirls，Shewasoneofforty—seven!
Iseetheghostofmyfirstcigar，Ofthethence—arisingfamilyjar—
Ofmymaidenbrief（IwasattheBar，AndIcalledtheJudge"Yourwushup!"）
Ofrecklessdaysandrecklessnights，Withwrenched—offknockers，extinguishedlights，Unholysongsandtipsyfights，WhichIstroveinvaintohushup。
Ghostsoffraudulentjoint—stockbanks，Ghostsof"copy，declinedwiththanks，"
Ofnovelsreturnedinendlessranks，Andthousandsmore，Isuffer。
TheonlylinetofitlygraceMyhumbletomb，whenI’verunmyrace，Is，"Reader，thisistheresting—placeOfanunsuccessfulduffer。"
I’vefoughtthemall，theseghostsofmine，ButtheweaponsI’veusedaresighsandbrine，AndnowthatI’mnearlyforty—nine，Oldageismychiefestbogy；
Formyhairisthinningawayatthecrown，Andthesilverfightswiththeworn—outbrown；
AndageneralverdictsetsmedownAsanirreclaimablefogy。
Footnotes：
（1）AversionofthisballadispublishedasaSong，byMr。
Jeffreys，SohoSquare。
（2）ThisballadispublishedasaSong，underthetitle"If，"byMessrs。CramerandCo。
（3）"GowithmetoaNotary—sealmethereYoursinglebond。"—MERCHANTOFVENICE，ActI。，sc。3。
（4）"Andthereshallshe，atFriarLawrence’cell，Beshrivedandmarried。"—ROMEOANDJULIET，ActII。，sc。4。
（5）"Andgivethefastinghorsesprovender。"—HENRYTHEFIFTH，ActIV。，sc。2。
（6）"Letus，likemerchants，showourfoulestwares。"—TROILUSAND
CRESSIDA，ActI。，sc。3。
（7）"ThenmusttheJewbemerciful。"—MERCHANTOFVENICE，ActIV。，sc。1。
（8）"Thespring，thesummer，Thechillingautumn，angrywinter，changeTheirwontedliveries。"—MIDSUMMERNIGHTDREAM，ActIV。，sc。1。
（9）"InthecountyofGlo’ster，justiceofthepeaceandCORAM。"
MERRYWIVESOFWINDSOR，ActI。，sc。1。
（10）"Whatlustytrumpetthusdothsummonus？"—KINGJOHN，ActV。，sc。2。
（11）"AndI’llprovidehisexecutioner。"—HENRYTHESIXTH（SecondPart），ActIII。，sc。1。
（12）"Thelionesshadtornsomefleshaway，Whichallthiswhilehadbled。"—ASYOULIKEIT，ActIV。，sc。3。
（13）DescribedbyMUNGOPARK。
（14）"Likeabird。"—SLANGEXPRESSION。
（15）Reprintedfromthe"TheGraphic，"bypermissionoftheproprietors。