第8章

EverymanwhohashadhisGermantutor，andhasbeencoachedthroughthefamous“Faust“ofGoethe(thouwertmyinstructor，goodoldWeissenborn，andtheseeyesbeheldthegreatmasterhimselfindearlittleWeimartown！)hasreadthosecharmingverseswhichareprefixedtothedrama，inwhichthepoetrevertstothetimewhenhisworkwasfirstcomposed，andrecallsthefriendsnowdeparted，whooncelistenedtohissong。Thedearshadowsriseuparoundhim，hesays；helivesinthepastagain。Itisto-daywhichappearsvagueandvisionary。WehumblerwriterscannotcreateFausts，orraiseupmonumentalworksthatshallendureforallages；butourbooksarediaries，inwhichourownfeelingsmustofnecessitybesetdown。Aswelooktothepagewrittenlastmonth，ortenyearsago，werememberthedayanditsevents；thechildill，mayhap，intheadjoiningroom，andthedoubtsandfearswhichrackedthebrainasitstillpursueditswork；thedearoldfriendwhoreadthecommencementofthetale，andwhosegentlehandshallbelaidinoursnomore。Iownformypartthat，inreadingpageswhichthishandpennedformerly，Ioftenlosesightofthetextundermyeyes。

ItisnotthewordsIsee；butthatpastday；thatbygonepageoflife"shistory；thattragedy，comedyitmaybe，whichourlittlehomecompanywasenacting；thatmerry-makingwhichweshared；thatfuneralwhichwefollowed；thatbitter，bittergriefwhichweburied。

And，suchbeingthestateofmymind，Ipraygentlereaderstodealkindlywiththeirhumbleservant"smanifoldshortcomings，blunders，andslipsofmemory。AssureasIreadapageofmyowncomposition，Ifindafaultortwo，halfadozen。JonesiscalledBrown。Brown，whoisdead，isbroughttolife。Aghast，andmonthsafterthenumberwasprinted，IsawthatIhadcalledPhilipFirmin，CliveNewcome。NowCliveNewcomeistheheroofanotherstorybythereader"smostobedientwriter。Thetwomenareasdifferent，inmymind"seye，as——asLordPalmerstonandMr。Disraeliletussay。Butthereisthatblunderatpage990，line76，volume84oftheCornhillMagazine，anditispastmending；andIwishinmylifeI

hadmadenoworseblundersorerrorsthanthatwhichisherebyacknowledged。

AnotherFiniswritten。Anothermile-stonepassedonthisjourneyfrombirthtothenextworld！Sureitisasubjectforsolemncogitation。Shallwecontinuethisstory-tellingbusinessandbevolubletotheendofourage?Willitnotbepresentlytime，O

prattler，toholdyourtongue，andletyoungerpeoplespeak?Ihaveafriend，apainter，who，likeotherpersonswhoshallbenameless，isgrowingold。Hehasneverpaintedwithsuchlaboriousfinishashisworksnowshow。Thismasterisstillthemosthumbleanddiligentofscholars。OfArt，hismistress，heisalwaysaneager，reverentpupil。Inhiscalling，inyours，inmine，industryandhumilitywillhelpandcomfortus。Awordwithyou。InaprettylargeexperienceIhavenotfoundthemenwhowritebookssuperiorinwitorlearningtothosewhodon"twriteatall。Inregardofmereinformation，non-writersmustoftenbesuperiortowriters。

Youdon"texpectalawyerinfullpracticetobeconversantwithallkindsofliterature；heistoobusywithhislaw；andsoawriteriscommonlytoobusywithhisownbookstobeabletobestowattentionontheworksofotherpeople。Afteraday"swork(inwhichIhavebeendepicting，letussay，theagoniesofLouisaonpartingwiththeCaptain，ortheatrociousbehaviorofthewickedMarquistoLadyEmily)ImarchtotheClub，proposingtoimprovemymindandkeepmyself“postedup，“astheAmericansphraseit，withtheliteratureoftheday。Andwhathappens?Given，awalkafterluncheon，apleasingbook，andamostcomfortablearmchairbythefire，andyouknowtherest。Adozeensues。Pleasingbookdropssuddenly，ispickeduponcewithanairofsomeconfusion，islaidpresentlysoftlyinlap:headfallsoncomfortablearm-chaircushion:eyesclose:softnasalmusicisheard。AmItellingClubsecrets?Ofafternoons，afterlunch，Isay，scoresofsensiblefogieshaveadoze。PerhapsIhavefallenasleepoverthatverybooktowhich“Finis“hasjustbeenwritten。“Andifthewritersleeps，whathappenstothereaders?“saysJones，comingdownuponmewithhislightningwit。What?YouDIDsleepoverit?Andaverygoodthingtoo。Theseeyeshavemorethanonceseenafrienddozingoverpageswhichthishandhaswritten。Thereisavignettesomewhereinoneofmybooksofafriendsocaughtnappingwith“Pendennis，“orthe“Newcomes，“inhislapandifawritercangiveyouasweetsoothing，harmlesssleep，hashenotdoneyouakindness?Soistheauthorwhoexcitesandinterestsyouworthyofyourthanksandbenedictions。Iamtroubledwithfeverandague，thatseizesmeatoddintervalsandprostratesmeforaday。Thereiscoldfit，forwhich，Iamthankfultosay，hotbrandy-and-waterisprescribed，andthisinduceshotfit，andsoon。InoneortwoofthesefitsIhavereadnovelswiththemostfearfulcontentmentofmind。Once，ontheMississippi，itwasmydearlybeloved“JacobFaithful:“onceatFrankfortO。M。，thedelightful“VingtAnsApres“ofMonsieurDumas:

onceatTunbridgewells，thethrilling“WomaninWhite:“andthesebooksgavemeamusementfrommorningtillsunset。Irememberthoseaguefitswithagreatdealofpleasureandgratitude。Thinkofawholedayinbed，andagoodnovelforacompanion！Nocares:noremorseaboutidleness:novisitors:andtheWomaninWhiteortheChevalierd"Artagnantotellmestoriesfromdawntonight！“

Please，ma"am，mymaster"scompliments，andcanhehavethethirdvolume?“(Thismessagewassenttoanastonishedfriendandneighborwholentme，volumebyvolume，theW。inW。)Howdoyoulikeyournovels?Ilikeminestrong，“hotwith，“andnomistake:

nolove-making:noobservationsaboutsociety:littledialogue，exceptwherethecharactersarebullyingeachother:plentyoffighting:andavillaininthecupboard，whoistosuffertorturesjustbeforeFinis。Idon"tlikeyourmelancholyFinis。Ineverreadthehistoryofaconsumptiveheroinetwice。IfImightgiveashorthinttoanimpartialwriter(astheExaminerusedtosayinolddays)，itwouldbetoact，NOTalamodelepaysdePole(I

thinkthatwasthephraseology)，butALWAYStogivequarter。InthestoryofPhilip，justcometoanend，Ihavethepermissionoftheauthortostate，thathewasgoingtodrownthetwovillainsofthepiece——acertainDoctorF——andacertainMr。T。H——onboardthe“President，“orsomeothertragicship——butyouseeIrelented。

IpicturedtomyselfFirmin"sghastlyfaceamidthecrowdofshudderingpeopleonthatreelingdeckinthelonelyocean，andthought，“Thoughastlylyingwretch，thoushaltnotbedrowned:thoushalthaveafeveronly；aknowledgeofthydanger；andachance——

eversosmallachance——ofrepentance。”IwonderwhetherheDID

repentwhenhefoundhimselfintheyellow-fever，inVirginia?Theprobabilityis，hefanciedthathissonhadinjuredhimverymuch，andforgavehimonhisdeath-bed。Doyouimaginethereisagreatdealofgenuineright-downremorseintheworld?Don"tpeopleratherfindexcuseswhichmaketheirmindseasy；endeavortoprovetothemselvesthattheyhavebeenlamentablybeliedandmisunderstood；andtryandforgivethepersecutorswhoWILLpresentthatbillwhenitisdue；andnotbearmaliceagainstthecruelruffianwhotakesthemtothepolice-officeforstealingthespoons?

YearsagoIhadaquarrelwithacertainwell-knownperson(I

believedastatementregardinghimwhichhisfriendsimpartedtome，andwhichturnedouttobequiteincorrect)。Tohisdyingdaythatquarrelwasneverquitemadeup。Isaidtohisbrother，“Whyisyourbrother"ssoulstilldarkagainstme?ItisIwhooughttobeangryandunforgiving:forIwasinthewrong。”Intheregionwhichtheynowinhabit(forFinishasbeensettothevolumesofthelivesofbothherebelow)，iftheytakeanycognizanceofoursquabbles，andtittle-tattles，andgossipsonearthhere，Ihopetheyadmitthatmylittleerrorwasnotofanatureunpardonable。Ifyouhavenevercommittedaworse，mygoodsir，surelythescoreagainstyouwillnotbeheavy。Ha，dilectissimifratres！ItisinregardofsinsNOTfoundoutthatwemaysayorsing(inanundertone，inamostpenitentandlugubriousminorkey)，Misererenobismiserispeccatoribus。

Amongthesinsofcommissionwhichnovel-writersnotseldomperpetrate，isthesinofgrandiloquence，ortall-talking，againstwhich，formypart，Iwillofferupaspecialliberame。Thisisthesinofschoolmasters，governesses，critics，sermoners，andinstructorsofyoungoroldpeople。Nay(forIammakingacleanbreast，andliberatingmysoul)，perhapsofallthenovel-spinnersnowextant，thepresentspeakeristhemostaddictedtopreaching。

Doeshenotstopperpetuallyinhisstoryandbegintopreachtoyou?Whenheoughttobeengagedwithbusiness，ishenotforevertakingtheMusebythesleeve，andplaguingherwithsomeofhiscynicalsermons?Icrypeccaviloudlyandheartily。ItellyouI

wouldliketobeabletowriteastorywhichshouldshownoegotismwhatever——inwhichthereshouldbenoreflections，nocynicism，novulgarity(andsoforth)，butanincidentineveryotherpage，avillain，abattle，amysteryineverychapter。Ishouldliketobeabletofeedareadersospicilyastoleavehimhungeringandthirstingformoreattheendofeverymonthlymeal。

AlexandreDumasdescribeshimself，wheninventingtheplanofawork，aslyingsilentonhisbackfortwowholedaysonthedeckofayachtinaMediterraneanport。Attheendofthetwodayshearoseandcalledfordinner。Inthosetwodayshehadbuilthisplot。Hehadmouldedamightyclay，tobecastpresentlyinperennialbrass。Thechapters，thecharacters，theincidents，thecombinationswereallarrangedintheartist"sbrainerehesetapentopaper。MyPegasuswon"tfly，soastoletmesurveythefieldbelowme。Hehasnowings，heisblindofoneeyecertainly，heisrestive，stubborn，slow；cropsahedgewhenheoughttobegalloping，orgallopswhenheoughttobequiet。HeneverwillshowoffwhenIwanthim。Sometimeshegoesatapacewhichsurprisesme。Sometimes，whenImostwishhimtomaketherunning，thebruteturnsrestive，andIamobligedtolethimtakehisowntime。I

wonderdoothernovel-writersexperiencethisfatalism?TheyMUST

goacertainway，inspiteofthemselves。Ihavebeensurprisedattheobservationsmadebysomeofmycharacters。ItseemsasifanoccultPowerwasmovingthepen。Thepersonagedoesorsayssomething，andIask，howthedickensdidhecometothinkofthat?

Everymanhasremarkedindreams，thevastdramaticpowerwhichissometimesevinced；Iwon"tsaythesurprisingpower，fornothingdoessurpriseyouindreams。Butthosestrangecharactersyoumeetmakeinstantobservationsofwhichyounevercanhavethoughtpreviously。Inlikemanner，theimaginationforetellsthings。Wespakeanonoftheinflatedstyleofsomewriters。WhatalsoifthereisanAFFLATEDstyle，——whenawriterislikeaPythonessonheroracletripod，andmightywords，wordswhichhecannothelp，comeblowing，andbellowing，andwhistling，andmoaningthroughthespeakingpipesofhisbodilyorgan?Ihavetoldyouitwasaveryqueershocktometheotherdaywhen，withaletterofintroductioninhishand，theartist"s(notmy)PhilipFirminwalkedintothisroom，andsatdowninthechairopposite。Inthenovelof“Pendennis，“writtentenyearsago，thereisanaccountofacertainCostigan，whomIhadinvented(asIsupposeauthorsinventtheirpersonagesoutofscraps，heel-taps，oddsandendsofcharacters)。

Iwassmokinginatavernparloronenight——andthisCostigancameintotheroomalive——theveryman:——themostremarkableresemblanceoftheprintedsketchesoftheman，oftherudedrawingsinwhichI

haddepictedhim。Hehadthesamelittlecoat，thesamebatteredhat，cockedononeeye，thesametwinkleinthateye。“Sir，“saidI，knowinghimtobeanoldfriendwhomIhadmetinunknownregions，“sir，“Isaid，“mayIofferyouaglassofbrandy-and-

water?““Bedad，yemay，“sayshe，“andI"llsingyeasongtu。”OfcoursehespokewithanIrishbrogue。Ofcoursehehadbeeninthearmy。IntenminuteshepulledoutanArmyAgent"saccount，whereonhisnamewaswritten。Afewmonthsafterwereadofhiminapolicecourt。HowhadIcometoknowhim，todivinehim?NothingshallconvincemethatIhavenotseenthatmanintheworldofspirits。

IntheworldofspiritsandwaterIknowIdid:butthatisamerequibbleofwords。IwasnotsurprisedwhenhespokeinanIrishbrogue。Ihadhadcognizanceofhimbeforesomehow。Whohasnotfeltthatlittleshockwhichariseswhenaperson，aplace，somewordsinabook(thereisalwaysacollocation)presentthemselvestoyou，andyouknowthatyouhavebeforemetthesameperson，words，scene，andsoforth?

TheyusedtocallthegoodSirWalterthe“WizardoftheNorth。”

WhatifsomewritershouldappearwhocanwritesoENCHANTINGLYthatheshallbeabletocallintoactuallifethepeoplewhomheinvents?WhatifMignon，andMargaret，andGoetzvonBerlichingenarealivenow(thoughIdon"tsaytheyarevisible)，andDugaldDalgettyandIvanhoeweretostepinatthatopenwindowbythelittlegardenyonder?SupposeUncasandournobleoldLeatherStockingweretoglidesilentin?SupposeAthos，Porthos，andAramisshouldenterwithanoiselessswagger，curlingtheirmoustaches?AnddearestAmeliaBooth，onUncleToby"sarm；andTittlebatTitmouse，withhishairdyedgreen；andalltheCrummlescompanyofcomedians，withtheGilBlastroop；andSirRogerdeCoverley；andthegreatestofallcrazygentlemen，theKnightofLaMancha，withhisblessedsquire?Isaytoyou，Ilookratherwistfullytowardsthewindow，musinguponthesepeople。Wereanyofthemtoenter，IthinkIshouldnotbeverymuchfrightened。Dearoldfriends，whatpleasanthoursIhavehadwiththem！Wedonotseeeachotherveryoften，butwhenwedo，weareeverhappytomeet。Ihadacapitalhalf-hourwithJacobFaithfullastnight；

whenthelastsheetwascorrected，when“Finis“hadbeenwritten，andtheprinter"sboy，withthecopy，wassafeinGreenArborCourt。

Soyouaregone，littleprinter"sboy，withthelastscratchesandcorrectionsontheproof，andafineflourishbywayofFinisatthestory"send。Thelastcorrections?Isaythoselastcorrectionsseemnevertobefinished。Aplagueupontheweeds！Everyday，whenIwalkinmyownlittleliterarygarden-plot，Ispysome，andshouldliketohaveaspud，androotthemout。Thoseidlewords，neighbor，arepastremedy。Thatturningbacktotheoldpagesproducesanythingbutelationofmind。Wouldyounotpayaprettyfinetobeabletocancelsomeofthem?Oh，thesadoldpages，thedulloldpages！Oh，thecares，theennui，thesquabbles，therepetitions，theoldconversationsoverandoveragain！Butnowandagainakindthoughtisrecalled，andnowandagainadearmemory。

Yetafewchaptersmore，andthenthelast:afterwhich，beholdFinisitselfcometoanend，andtheInfinitebegun。

ONAPEALOFBELLS。

Assomebellsinachurchhardbyaremakingagreatholidayclanginginthesummerafternoon，IamremindedsomehowofaJulyday，agarden，andagreatclangingofbellsyearsandyearsago，ontheverydaywhenGeorgeIV。wascrowned。Irememberalittleboylyinginthatgardenreadinghisfirstnovel。Itwascalledthe“ScottishChiefs。”Thelittleboy(whoisnowancientandnotlittle)readthisbookinthesummer-houseofhisgreatgrandmamma。

Shewaseightyyearsofagethen。Amostlovelyandpicturesqueoldlady，withalongtortoise-shellcane，withalittlepuff，ortour，ofsnow-white(orwasitpowdered?)hairunderhercap，withtheprettiestlittleblack-velvetslippersandhighheelsyoueversaw。

Shehadagrandson，alieutenantinthenavy；sonofherson，acaptaininthenavy；grandsonofherhusband，acaptaininthenavy。

ShelivedforscoresandscoresofyearsinadearlittleoldHampshiretowninhabitedbythewives，widows，daughtersofnavycaptains，admirals，lieutenants。Dearme！Don"tIrememberMrs。

Duval，widowofAdmiralDuval；andtheMissDennets，attheGreatHouseattheotherendofthetown，AdmiralDennet"sdaughters；andtheMissBarrys，thelateCaptainBarry"sdaughters；andthegoodoldMissMaskews，AdmiralMaskew"sdaughter；andthatdearlittleMissNorval，andthekindMissBookers，oneofwhommarriedCaptain，nowAdmiralSirHenryExcellent，K。C。B。?Far，farawayintothepastIlookandseethelittletownwithitsfriendlyglimmer。ThattownwassolikeanovelofMissAusten"sthatIwonderwasshebornandbredthere?No，weshouldhaveknown，andthegoodoldladieswouldhavepronouncedhertobealittleidlething，occupiedwithhersillybooksandneglectingherhousekeeping。TherewereothertownsinEngland，nodoubt，wheredweltthewidowsandwivesofothernavycaptains；wheretheytattled，lovedeachother，andquarrelled；talkedaboutBettythemaid，andherfineribbonsindeed！tooktheirdishofteaatsix，playedatquadrilleeverynighttillten，whentherewasalittlebitofsupper，afterwhichBettycamewiththelanthorn；andnextdaycame，andnext，andnext，andsoforth，untiladayarrivedwhenthelanthornwasout，whenBettycamenomore:allthatlittlecompanysanktorestunderthedaisies，whithersomefolkswillpresentlyfollowthem。Howdidtheylivetobesoold，thosegoodpeople?Moiquivousparle，I

perfectlyrecollectoldMr。Gilbert，whohadbeentoseawithCaptainCook；andCaptainCook，asyoujustlyobserve，dearMiss，quotingoutofyour“Mangnall"sQuestions，“wasmurderedbythenativesofOwhyhee，anno1779。Ah！don"tyourememberhispicture，standingontheseashore，intightsandgaiters，withamusketinhishand，pointingtohispeoplenottofirefromtheboats，whilstagreattattooedsavageisgoingtostabhimintheback?Don"tyourememberthosehourisdancingbeforehimandtheotherofficersatthegreatOtaheiteball?Don"tyouknowthatCookwasatthesiegeofQuebec，withthegloriousWolfe，whofoughtundertheDukeofCumberland，whoseroyalfatherwasadistinguishedofficeratRamillies，beforehecommandedinchiefatDettingen?Huzza！Giveitthem，mylads！Myhorseisdown?ThenIknowIshallnotrunaway。DotheFrenchrun?thenIdiecontent。Stop。Wo！Quomerapis?MyPegasusisgallopingoff，goodnessknowswhere，likehisMajesty"schargeratDettingen。

Howdotheserichhistoricalandpersonalreminiscencescomeoutofthesubjectatpresentinhand?WhatISthatsubject，bytheway?

Mydearfriend，ifyoulookatthelastessaykin(thoughyoumayleaveitalone，andIshallnotbeintheleastsurprisedoroffended)，ifyoulookatthelastpaper，wherethewriterimaginesAthosandPorthos，DalgettyandIvanhoe，AmeliaandSirCharlesGrandison，DonQuixoteandSirRoger，walkinginatthegarden-

window，youwillatonceperceivethatNOVELSandtheirheroesandheroinesareourpresentsubjectofdiscourse，intowhichwewillpresentlyplunge。Areyouoneofus，dearsir，anddoyoulovenovel-reading?Toberemindedofyourfirstnovelwillsurelybeapleasuretoyou。Hush！Ineverreadquitetotheendofmyfirst，the“ScottishChiefs。”Icouldn"t。Ipeepedinanalarmedfurtivemanneratsomeoftheclosingpages。MissPorter，likeakinddeartender-heartedcreature，wouldnothaveWallace"sheadchoppedoffattheendofVol。V。Shemadehimdieinprison，*andifI

rememberright(protestingIhavenotreadthebookforforty-twoorthreeyears)，RobertBrucemadeaspeechtohissoldiers，inwhichhesaid，“AndBannockburnshallequalCambuskenneth。”**ButI

repeatIcouldnotreadtheendofthefifthvolumeofthatdeardelightfulbookforcrying。Goodheavens！Itwasassad，assadasgoingbacktoschool。

*Ifind，onreferencetothenovel，thatSirWilliamdiedonthescaffold，notinprison。Hislastwordswere，“"Myprayerisheard。

Life"scordiscutbyheaven。Helen！Helen！Mayheavenpreservemycountry，and——"Hestopped。Hefell。Andwiththatmightyshockthescaffoldshooktoitsfoundations。”

**TheremarkofBruce(whichIprotestIhadnotreadforforty-twoyears)，Ifindtobeasfollows:——“WhenthiswasutteredbytheEnglishheralds，BruceturnedtoRuthven，withanheroicsmile，"Lethimcome，mybravebarons！andheshallfindthatBannockburnshallpagewithCambuskenneth！"“Inthesameamiableauthor"sfamousnovelof“ThaddeusofWarsaw，“thereismorecryingthaninanynovelIeverremembertohaveread。See，forexample，thelastpage……“Incapableofspeaking，Thaddeusledhiswifebacktohercarriage……Histearsgushedoutinspiteofhimself，andminglingwithhers，pouredthosethanks，thoseassurances，ofanimatedapprobationthroughherheart，whichmadeitevenachewithexcessofhappiness。”……Andasentenceortwofurther。

“Kosciuskodidblesshim，andembalmedthebenedictionwithashoweroftears。”

ThegloriousScottcycleofromancescametomesomefourorfiveyearsafterwards；andIthinkboysofouryearwerespeciallyfortunateincominguponthosedelightfulbooksatthatspecialtimewhenwecouldbestenjoythem。Oh，thatsunshinybenchonhalf-

holidays，withClaverhouseorIvanhoeforacompanion！IhaveremarkedofverylatedayssomelittlemeninagreatstateofdelectationovertheromancesofCaptainMayneReid，andGustaveAimard"sPrairieandIndianStories，andduringoccasionalholidayvisits，lurkingofftobedwiththevolumeundertheirarms。ButarethoseIndiansandwarriorssoterribleasourIndiansandwarriorswere?(Isay，arethey?Younggentlemen，mind，Idonotsaytheyarenot。)ButasanoldsterIcanbeheartilythankfulforthenovelsofthe1-10Geo。IV。，letussay，andsodownwardtoaperiodnotunremote。Letusseethereis，first，ourdearScott。

WhomdoIloveintheworksofthatdearoldmaster?Amo——

TheBaronofBradwardineandFergus。(CaptainWaverleyiscertainlyverymild。)

AmoIvanhoe；LOCKSLEY；theTemplar。

AmoQuentinDurward，andespeciallyQuentin"suncle，whobroughttheboartobay。Iforgetthegentleman"sname。

IhavenevercaredfortheMasterofRavenswood，orfetchedhishatoutofthewatersincehedroppedittherewhenIlastmethim(circa1825)。

AmoSALADINandtheScotchknightinthe“Talisman。”TheSultanbest。

AmoCLAVERHOUSE。

AmoMAJORDALGETTY。DelightfulMajor。Tothinkofhimistodesiretojumpup，runtothebook，andgetthevolumedownfromtheshelf。

AboutallthoseheroesofScott，whatamanlybloomthereis，andhonorablemodesty！Theyarenotatallheroic。Theyseemtoblushsomehowintheirpositionofhero，andasitweretosay，“Sinceitmustbedone，heregoes！“Theyarehandsome，modest，upright，simple，courageous，nottooclever。IfIwereamother(whichisabsurd)，Ishouldliketobemother-in-lawtoseveralyoungmenoftheWalter-Scott-herosort。

MuchasIlikethosemostunassuming，manly，unpretendinggentlemen，IhavetoownthatIthinktheheroesofanotherwriter，viz——

LEATHER-STOCKING，UNCAS，HARDHEART，TOMCOFFIN，arequitetheequalsofScott"smen；perhapsLeather-stockingisbetterthananyonein“Scott"slot。”LaLongueCarabineisoneofthegreatprize-menoffiction。HerankswithyourUncleToby，SirRogerdeCoverley，Falstaff——heroicfigures，all——AmericanorBritish，andtheartisthasdeservedwellofhiscountrywhodevisedthem。

Atschool，inmytime，therewasapublicday，whentheboys"

relatives，anexaminingbigwigortwofromtheuniversities，oldschoolfellows，andsoforth，cametotheplace。Theboyswereallparaded；prizeswereadministered；eachladbeinginanewsuitofclothes——andmagnificentdandies，Ipromiseyou，someofuswere。

Oh，thechubbycheeks，cleancollars，glossynewraiment，beamingfaces，gloriousinyouth——fittuericoelum——brightwithtruth，andmirth，andhonor！Toseeahundredboysmarshalledinachapeloroldhall；toheartheirsweetfreshvoiceswhentheychant，andlookintheirbravecalmfaces；Isay，doesnotthesightandsoundofthemsmiteyou，somehow，withapangofexquisitekindness?……

Well。Asaboutboys，soaboutNovelists。IfancytheboysofParnassusSchoolallparaded。Iamalowerboymyselfinthatacademy。Ilikeourfellowstolookwell，upright，gentlemanlike。

ThereisMasterFielding——hewiththeblackeye。Whatamagnificentbuildofaboy！ThereisMasterScott，oneoftheheadsoftheschool。Didyoueverseethefellowmoreheartyandmanly?Yonderlean，shambling，cadaverouslad，whoisalwaysborrowingmoney，tellinglies，leeringafterthehouse-maids，isMasterLaurenceSterne——abishop"sgrandson，andhimselfintendedfortheChurch；

forshame，youlittlereprobate！Butwhatageniusthefellowhas！

Lethimhaveasoundflogging，andassoonastheyoungscampisoutofthewhipping-roomgivehimagoldmedal。SuchwouldbemypracticeifIwereDoctorBirch，andmasteroftheschool。

Letusdropthisschoolmetaphor，thisbirchandallpertainingthereto。Oursubject，Ibegleavetoremindthereader"shumbleservant，isnovelheroesandheroines。Howdoyoulikeyourheroes，ladies?Gentlemen，whatnovelheroinesdoyouprefer?WhenIsetthisessaygoing，Isenttheabovequestiontotwoofthemostinveteratenovel-readersofmyacquaintance。ThegentlemanrefersmetoMissAusten；theladysaysAthos，GuyLivingston，and(pardonmyrosyblushes)ColonelEsmond，andownsthatinyouthshewasverymuchinlovewithValancourt。

“Valancourt?andwhowashe?“crytheyoungpeople。Valancourt，mydears，wastheheroofoneofthemostfamousromanceswhicheverwaspublishedinthiscountry。ThebeautyandeleganceofValancourtmadeyouryounggrandmammas"gentleheartstobeatwithrespectfulsympathy。Heandhisgloryhavepassedaway。Ah，woeismethatthegloryofnovelsshouldeverdecay；thatdustshouldgatherroundthemontheshelves；thattheannualchequesfromMessieursthepublishersshoulddwindle，dwindle！InquireatMudie"s，ortheLondonLibrary，whoasksforthe“MysteriesofUdolpho“now?Havenoteventhe“MysteriesofParis“ceasedtofrighten?Alas，ournovelsarebutforaseason；andIknowcharacterswhomapainfulmodestyforbidsmetomention，whoshallgotolimboalongwith“Valancourt“and“Doricourt“and“ThaddeusofWarsaw。”

Adearoldsentimentalfriend，withwhomIdiscoursedonthesubjectofnovelsyesterday，saidthatherfavoriteherowasLordOrville，in“Evelina，“thatnovelwhichDr。Johnsonlovedso。Itookdownthebookfromadustyoldcryptataclub，whereMrs。Barbauld"snovelistsrepose:andthisisthekindofthing，ladiesandgentlemen，inwhichyourancestorsfoundpleasure:——

“Andhere，whilstIwaslookingforthebooks，IwasfollowedbyLordOrville。Heshutthedoorafterhecamein，and，approachingmewithalookofanxiety，said，"Isthistrue，MissAnville——areyougoing?"

“"Ibelieveso，mylord，"saidI，stilllookingforthebooks。

“"Sosuddenly，sounexpectedly:mustIloseyou?"

“"Nogreatloss，mylord，"saidI，endeavoringtospeakcheerfully。

“"Isitpossible，"saidhe，gravely，"MissAnvillecandoubtmysincerity?"

“"Ican"timagine，"criedI，"whatMrs。Selwynhasdonewiththosebooks。"

“"Wouldtoheaven，"continuedhe，"Imightflattermyselfyouwouldallowmetoproveit！"

“"Imustrunupstairs，"criedI，greatlyconfused，"andaskwhatshehasdonewiththem。"

“"Youaregoingthen，"criedhe，takingmyhand，"andyougivemenotthesmallesthopeofanyreturn！Willyounot，mytoolovelyfriend，willyounotteachme，withfortitudelikeyourown，tosupportyourabsence?"

“"Mylord，"criedI，endeavoringtodisengagemyhand，"prayletmego！"

“"Iwill，"criedhe，tomyinexpressibleconfusion，droppingononeknee，"ifyouwishmetoleaveyou。"

“"Oh，mylord，"exclaimedI，"rise，Ibeseechyou；rise。Surelyyourlordshipisnotsocruelastomockme。"

“"Mockyou！"repeatedheearnestly，"no，Irevereyou。Iesteemandadmireyouaboveallhumanbeings！Youarethefriendtowhommysoulisattached，astoitsbetterhalf。Youarethemostamiable，themostperfectofwomen；andyouaredearertomethanlanguagehasthepoweroftelling。"

“Iattemptnottodescribemysensationsatthatmoment；Iscarcebreathed；IdoubtedifIexisted；thebloodforsookmycheeks，andmyfeetrefusedtosustainme。LordOrvillehastilyrisingsupportedmetoachairuponwhichIsankalmostlifeless。

“Icannotwritethescenethatfollowed，thougheverywordisengravenonmyheart；buthisprotestations，hisexpressions，weretooflatteringforrepetition；norwouldhe，inspiteofmyrepeatedeffortstoleavehim，suffermetoescape；inshort，mydearsir，I

wasnotproofagainsthissolicitations，andhedrewfrommethemostsacredsecretofmyheart！“*

*Contrastthisoldperfumed，powderedD"Arblayconversationwiththepresentmoderntalk。Ifthetwoyoungpeoplewishedtohidetheiremotionsnow-a-days，andexpressthemselvesinmodestlanguage，thestorywouldrun:——

“WhilstIwaslookingforthebooks，LordOrvillecamein。Helookeduncommonlydowninthemouth，ashesaid:"Isthistrue，MissAnville；areyougoingtocut?"

“"Toabsquatulate，LordOrville，"saidI，stillpretendingthatI

waslookingforthebooks。

“"Youareveryquickaboutit，"saidhe。

“"Guessit"snogreatloss，"Iremarked，ascheerfullyasIcould。

“"Youdon"tthinkI"mchaffing?"saidOrville，withmuchemotion。

“"WhathasMrs。Selwyndonewiththebooks?"Iwenton。

“"What，going"saidhe，"andgoingforgood?IwishIwassuchagood-pluckedoneasyou，MissAnville，"“&c。

Theconversation，youperceive，mightbeeasilywrittendowntothiskey；andiftheheroandheroineweremodern，theywouldnotbesufferedtogothroughtheirdialogueonstilts，butwouldconverseinthenaturalgracefulwayatpresentcustomary。Bytheway，whatastrangecustomthatisinmodernladynoveliststomakethemenbullythewomen！InthetimeofMissPorterandMadameD"Arblay，wehaverespect，profoundbowsandcurtsies，gracefulcourtesy，frommentowomen。InthetimeofMissBronte，absoluterudeness。Isittrue，mesdames，thatyoulikerudeness，andarepleasedatbeingill-usedbymen?Icouldpointtomorethanoneladynovelistwhosorepresentsyou。

Otherpeoplemaynotmuchlikethisextract，madam，fromyourfavoritenovel，butwhenyoucometoreadit，YOUwilllikeit。I

suspectthatwhenyoureadthatbookwhichyousolove，youreaditadeux。DidyounotyourselfpassawinteratBath，whenyouwerethebelleoftheassembly?WastherenotaLordOrvilleinyourcasetoo?Asyouthinkofhimelevenlustrespassaway。Youlookathimwiththebrighteyesofthosedays，andyourherostandsbeforeyou，thebrave，theaccomplished，thesimple，thetruegentleman；andhemakesthemostelegantofbowstooneofthemostbeautifulyoungwomentheworldeversaw；andheleadsyououttothecotillon，tothedearunforgottenmusic。HarktothehornsofElfand，blowing，blowing！Bonnevieille，youremembertheirmelody，andyourheart-stringsthrillwithitstill。

Ofyourheroicheroes，IthinkourfriendMonseigneurAthos，CountdelaFere，ismyfavorite。Ihavereadabouthimfromsunrisetosunsetwiththeutmostcontentmentofmind。Hehaspassedthroughhowmanyvolumes?Forty?Fifty?Iwishformyparttherewereahundredmore，andwouldnevertireofhimresellingprisoners，punishingruffians，andrunningscoundrelsthroughthemidriffwithhismostgracefulrapier。Ah，Athos，Porthos，andAramis，youareamagnificenttrio。IthinkIliked"Artagnaninhisownmemoirsbest。Iboughthimyearsandyearsago，pricefivepence，inalittleparchment-coveredCologne-printedvolume，atastallinGray"sInnLane。DumasglorifieshimandmakesaMarshalofhim；ifIrememberrightly，theoriginald"Artagnanwasaneedyadventurer，whodiedinexileveryearlyinLouisXIV。"sreign。Didyoueverreadthe“Chevalierd"Harmenthal?“Didyoueverreadthe“TulipeNoire，“asmodestasastorybyMissEdgeworth?IthinkoftheprodigalbanquetstowhichthisLucullusofamanhasinvitedme，withthanksandwonder。Towhataseriesofsplendidentertainmentshehastreatedme！Wheredoeshefindthemoneyfortheseprodigiousfeasts?TheysaythatalltheworksbearingDumas"snamearenotwrittenbyhim。Well?Doesnotthechiefcookhaveaidesunderhim?DidnotRubens"spupilspaintonhiscanvases?HadnotLawrenceassistantsforhisbackgrounds?Formyself，beingalsodumetier，IconfessIwouldoftenliketohaveacompetent，respectable，andrapidclerkforthebusinesspartofmynovels；andonhisarrival，ateleveno"clock，wouldsay，“Mr。Jones，ifyouplease，thearchbishopmustdiethismorninginaboutfivepages。Turntoarticle"Dropsy"(orwhatyouwill)inEncyclopaedia。Takecaretherearenomedicalblundersinhisdeath。Grouphisdaughters，physicians，andchaplainsroundhim。InWales"s"London，"letterB，thirdshelf，youwillfindanaccountofLambeth，andsomeprintsoftheplace。Colorinwithlocalcoloring。Thedaughterwillcomedown，andspeaktoherloverinhiswherryatLambethStairs，“&c。，&c。Jones(anintelligentyoungman)examinesthemedical，historical，topographicalbooksnecessary；hischiefpointsouttohiminJeremyTaylor(fol。，London，M。DCLV。)afewremarks，suchasmightbefitadearoldarchbishopdepartingthislife。WhenIcomebacktodressfordinner，thearchbishopisdeadonmytableinfivepages；medicine，topography，theology，allright，andJoneshasgonehometohisfamilysomehours。SirChristopheristhearchitectofSt。Paul"s。Hehasnotlaidthestonesorcarriedupthemortar。

Thereisagreatdealofcarpenter"sandjoiner"sworkinnovelswhichsurelyasmartprofessionalhandmightsupply。Asmartprofessionalhand?Igiveyoumyword，thereseemtomepartsofnovels——letussaythelove-making，the“business，“thevillaininthecupboard，andsoforth，whichIshouldliketoorderJohnFootmantotakeinhand，asIdesirehimtobringthecoalsandpolishtheboots。AskMEindeedtopoparobberunderabed，tohideawillwhichshallbeforthcomingindueseason，oratmytimeoflifetowriteanamby-pambyloveconversationbetweenEmilyandLordArthur！Ifeelashamedofmyself，andespeciallywhenmybusinessobligesmetodothelove-passages，Iblushso，thoughquitealoneinmystudy，thatyouwouldfancyIwasgoingoffinanapoplexy。Areauthorsaffectedbytheirownworks?Idon"tknowaboutothergentlemen，butifImakeajokemyselfIcry；ifIwriteapatheticsceneIamlaughingwildlyallthetime——atleastTomkinsthinksso。YouknowIamsuchacynic！

TheeditoroftheCornhillMagazine(nosoftandyieldingcharacterlikehispredecessor，butamanofsternresolution)willonlyallowtheseharmlesspaperstoruntoacertainlength。ButforthisvetoIshouldgladlyhaveprattledoverhalfasheetmore，andhavediscoursedonmanyheroesandheroinesofnovelswhomfondmemorybringsbacktome。OfthesebooksIhavebeenadiligentstudentfromthoseearlydays，whicharerecordedatthecommencementofthislittleessay。Oh，delightfulnovels，wellremembered！Oh，novels，sweetanddeliciousastheraspberryopen-tartsofbuddingboyhood！DoIforgetonenightafterprayers(whenweunder-boysweresenttobed)lingeringatmycupboardtoreadonelittlehalf-

pagemoreofmydearWalterScott——anddowncamethemonitor"sdictionaryuponmyhead！Rebecca，daughterofIsaacofYork，Ihavelovedtheefaithfullyforfortyyears！Thouwerttwentyyearsold(say)andIbuttwelve，whenIknewthee。Atsixtyodd，love，mostoftheladiesofthyOrientracehavelostthebloomofyouth，andbulgedbeyondthelineofbeauty；buttomethouarteveryoungandfair，andIwilldobattlewithanyfelonTemplarwhoassailsthyfairname。

ONAPEAR-TREE。

Agraciousreadernodoubthasremarkedthatthesehumblesermonshaveforsubjectssomelittleeventwhichhappensatthepreacher"sowngate，orwhichfallsunderhispeculiarcognizance。Once，youmayremember，wediscoursedaboutachalk-markonthedoor。ThismorningBetsy，thehousemaid，comeswithafrightenedlook，andsays，“Law，mum！there"sthreebrickstakenoutofthegardenwall，andthebranchesbroke，andallthepearstakenoffthepear-tree！“

Poorpeacefulsuburbanpear-tree！Gaol-birdshavehoppedaboutthybranches，androbbedthemoftheirsmokyfruit。Butthosebricksremoved；thatladderevidentlyprepared，bywhichunknownmaraudersmayenteranddepartfrommylittleEnglishman"scastle；isnotthisasubjectofthrillinginterest，andmayitnotBECONTINUEDINA

FUTURENUMBER?——thatistheterriblequestion。Suppose，havingescaladedtheouterwall，themiscreantstakeafancytostormthecastle?Well——well！wearearmed；wearenumerous；wearemenoftremendouscourage，whowilldefendourspoonswithourlives；andtherearebarrackscloseby(thankgoodness！)whence，atthenoiseofourshoutsandfiring，atleastathousandbayonetswillbristletoourrescue。

Whatsoundisyonder?Achurchbell。Imightgomyself，buthowlistentothesermon?Iamthinkingofthosethieveswhohavemadealadderofmywall，andapreyofmypear-tree。Theymaybewalkingtochurchatthismoment，neatlyshaved，incleanlinen，witheveryoutwardappearanceofvirtue。IfIwent，IknowIshouldbewatchingthecongregation，andthinking，“Isthatoneofthefellowswhocameovermywall?“If，afterthereadingoftheeighthCommandment，amansangoutwithparticularenergy，“Inclineourheartstokeepthislaw，“Ishouldthink，“Aha，MasterBasso，didyouhavepearsforbreakfastthismorning?“Crimeiswalkingroundme，thatisclear。Whoistheperpetrator?……Whatachangedaspecttheworldhas，sincetheselastfewlineswerewritten！I

havebeenwalkingroundaboutmypremises，andinconsultationwithagentlemaninasingle-breastedbluecoat，withpewterbuttons，andatapeornamentonthecollar。Hehaslookedattheholesinthewall，andtheamputatedtree。Wehaveformedourplanofdefence——

PERHAPSOFATTACK。Perhapssomedayyoumayreadinthepapers，“DARINGATTEMPTATBURGLARY——HEROICVICTORYOVERTHEVILLAINS，“&c。

&c。Rascalsasyetunknown！perhapsyou，too，mayreadthesewords，andmaybeinducedtopauseinyourfatalintention。Taketheadviceofasincerefriend，andkeepoff。Tofindamanwrithinginmyman-trap，anothermayhapimpaledinmyditch，topickoffanotherfrommytree(scoundrel！asthoughhewereapear)willgivemenopleasure；butsuchthingsmayhappen。Bewarnedintime，villains！

Or，ifyouMUSTpursueyourcallingascracksmen，havethegoodnesstotrysomeothershutters。Enough！subsideintoyourdarkness，childrenofnight！Thieves！weseeknottohaveYOUhanged——youarebutaspegswhereontohangothers。

Imayhavesaidbefore，thatifIweregoingtobehangedmyself，I

thinkIshouldtakeanaccuratenoteofmysensations，requesttostopatsomePublic-houseontheroadtoTyburnandbeprovidedwithaprivateroomandwriting-materials，andgiveanaccountofmystateofmind。Then，geeup，carter！begyourreverencetocontinueyourapposite，thoughnotnovel，remarksonmysituation；——andsowedriveuptoTyburnturnpike，whereanexpectantcrowd，theobligingsheriffs，andthedexterousandrapidMr。Ketcharealreadyinwaiting。

Anumberoflaboringpeoplearesaunteringaboutourstreetsandtakingtheirrestonthisholiday——fellowswhohavenomorestolenmypearsthantheyhaverobbedthecrownjewelsoutoftheTower——

andIsayIcannothelpthinkinginmyownmind，“Areyoutherascalwhogotovermywalllastnight?“Isthesuspicionhauntingmymindwrittenonmycountenance?Itrustnot。Whatifonemanafteranotherweretocomeuptomeandsay，“Howdareyou，sir，suspectmeinyourmindofstealingyourfruit?Gobehanged，youandyourjargonels！“Yourascalthief！itisnotmerelythree-halfp"orthofsootyfruityourobmeof，itismypeaceofmind——myartlessinnocenceandtrustinmyfellow-creatures，mychildlikebeliefthateverythingtheysayistrue。HowcanIholdoutthehandoffriendshipinthiscondition，whenmyfirstimpressionis，“Mygoodsir，Istronglysuspectthatyouwereupmypear-treelastnight?“

Itisadreadfulstateofmind。Thecoreisblack；thedeath-

strickenfruitdropsonthebough，andagreatwormiswithin——

fattening，andfeasting，andwriggling！WHOstolethepears?I

say。Isityou，brother?Isityou，madam?Come！areyoureadytoanswer——respondereparatietcantarepares?(Oshame！shame！)

Willthevillainseverbediscoveredandpunishedwhostolemyfruit?Someunluckyrascalswhoroborchardsarecaughtupthetreeatonce。Somerobthroughlifewithimpunity。IfI，formypart，weretotryandgetupthesmallesttree，onthedarkestnight，inthemostremoteorchard，IwageranymoneyIshouldbefoundout——becaughtbytheleginaman-trap，orhaveTowlerfasteningonme。I

alwaysamfoundout；havebeen；shallbe。It"smyluck。Othermenwillcarryoffbushelsoffruit，andgetawayundetected，unsuspected；whereasIknowwoeandpunishmentwouldfalluponmewereItolaymyhandonthesmallestpippin。Sobeit。Amanwhohasthispreciousself-knowledgewillsurelykeephishandsfrompickingandstealing，andhisfeetuponthepathsofvirtue。

Iwillassume，mybenevolentfriendandpresentreader，thatyouyourselfarevirtuous，notfromafearofpunishment，butfromasheerloveofgood:butusyouandIwalkthroughlife，considerwhathundredsofthousandsofrascalswemusthavemet，whohavenotbeenfoundoutatall。Inhighplacesandlow，inClubsandon"Change，atchurchortheballsandroutsofthenobilityandgentry，howdreadfulitisforbenevolentbeingslikeyouandmetohavetothinktheseundiscoveredthoughnotunsuspectedscoundrelsareswarming！Whatisthedifferencebetweenyouandagalley-

slave?Isyonderpoorwretchatthehulksnotamanandabrothertoo?Haveyoueverforged，mydearsir?Haveyouevercheatedyourneighbor?HaveyoueverriddentoHounslowHeathandrobbedthemail?Haveyoueverenteredafirst-classrailwaycarriage，whereanoldgentlemansataloneinasweetsleep，daintilymurderedhim，takenhispocket-book，andgotoutatthenextstation?YouknowthatthiscircumstanceoccurredinFranceafewmonthssince。IfwehavetravelledinFrancethisautumnwemayhavemettheingeniousgentlemanwhoperpetratedthisdaringandsuccessfulcoup。Wemayhavefoundhimawell-informedandagreeableman。Ihavebeenacquaintedwithtwoorthreegentlemenwhohavebeendiscoveredafter——aftertheperformanceofillegalactions。What?ThatagreeablerattlingfellowwemetwasthecelebratedMr。JohnSheppard?Wasthatamiablequietgentlemaninspectaclesthewell-

knownMr。Fauntleroy?InHazlitt"sadmirablepaper，“GoingtoaFight，“hedescribesadashingsportingfellowwhowasinthecoach，andwhowasnolessamanthantheeminentdestroyerofMr。WilliamWeare。Don"ttellmethatyouwouldnotliketohavemet(outofbusiness)CaptainSheppard，theReverendDoctorDodd，orothersrenderedfamousbytheiractionsandmisfortunes，bytheirlivesandtheirdeaths。Theyarethesubjectsofballads，theheroesofromance。AfriendofminehadthehouseinMayFair，outofwhichpoorDoctorDoddwastakenhandcuffed。Therewasthepavedhalloverwhichhestepped。Thatlittleroomatthesidewas，nodoubt，thestudywherehecomposedhiselegantsermons。TwoyearssinceI

hadthegoodfortunetopartakeofsomeadmirabledinnersinTyburnia——magnificentdinnersindeed；butrendereddoublyinterestingfromthefactthatthehousewasthatoccupiedbythelateMr。Sadleir。OnenightthelateMr。Sadleirtookteainthatdining-room，and，tothesurpriseofhisbutler，wentout，havingputintohispockethisowncream-jug。Thenextmorning，youknow，hewasfounddeadonHampsteadHeath，withthecream-juglyingbyhim，intowhichhehadpouredthepoisonbywhichhedied。Theideaoftheghostofthelategentlemanflittingabouttheroomgaveastrangeinteresttothebanquet。Canyoufancyhimtakinghisteaaloneinthedining-room?Heemptiesthatcream-jugandputsitinhispocket；andthenheopensyonderdoor，throughwhichheisnevertopassagain。Nowhecrossesthehall:andhark！thehall-doorshutsuponhim，andhisstepsdieaway。Theyaregoneintothenight。Theytraversethesleepingcity。Theyleadhimintothefields，wherethegraymorningisbeginningtoglimmer。Hepourssomethingfromabottleintoalittlesilverjug。Ittoucheshislips，thelyinglips。Dotheyquiveraprayererethatawfuldraughtisswallowed?Whenthesunrisestheyaredumb。

Ineitherknewthisunhappyman，norhiscountryman——Laertesletuscallhim——whoisatpresentinexile，havingbeencompelledtoflyfromremorselesscreditors。LaertesfledtoAmerica，whereheearnedhisbreadbyhispen。Iowntohavingakindlyfeelingtowardsthisscapegrace，because，thoughanexile，hedidnotabusethecountrywhencehefled。Ihaveheardthathewentawaytakingnospoilwithhim，pennilessalmost；andonhisvoyagehemadeacquaintancewithacertainJew；andwhenhefellsick，atNewYork，thisJewbefriendedhim，andgavehimhelpandmoneyoutofhisownstore，whichwasbutsmall。Now，aftertheyhadbeenawhileinthestrangecity，ithappenedthatthepoorJewspentallhislittlemoney，andhetoofellill，andwasingreatpenury。AndnowitwasLaerteswhobefriendedthatEbrewJew。Hefee"ddoctors；hefedandtendedthesickandhungry。Goto，Laertes！Iknowtheenot。Itmaybethouartjustlyexulpatriae。ButtheJewshallintercedeforthee，thounot，letustrust，hopelessChristiansinner。

AnotherexiletothesameshoreIknew:whodidnot?JuliusCaesarhardlyowedmoremoneythanCucedicus:and，graciouspowers！

Cucedicus，howdidyoumanagetospendandowesomuch?Alldayhewasatworkforhisclients；atnighthewasoccupiedinthePublicCouncil。Heneitherhadwifenorchildren。Therewardswhichhereceivedforhisorationswereenoughtomaintaintwentyrhetoricians。NightafternightIhaveseenhimeatinghisfrugalmeal，consistingbutofafish，asmallportionofmutton，andasmallmeasureofIberianorTrinacrianwine，largelydilutedwiththesparklingwatersofRhenishGaul。Andthiswasallhehad；andthismanearnedandpaidawaytalentsupontalents；andfled，owingwhoknowshowmanymore！Doesamanearnfifteenthousandpoundsayear，toilingbyday，talkingbynight，havinghorribleunrestinhisbed，ghastlyterrorsatwaking，seeinganofficerlurkingateverycorner，aswordofjusticeforeverhangingoverhishead——andhaveforhissolediversionanewspaper，alonelymutton-chop，andalittlesherryandseltzer-water?IntheGermanstorieswereadhowmensellthemselvesto——acertainPersonage，andthatPersonagecheatsthem。Hegivesthemwealth；yes，butthegold-piecesturnintoworthlessleaves。Hesetsthembeforesplendidbanquetsyes，butwhatanawfulgrinthatblackfootmanhaswholiftsupthedish-

cover；anddon"tyousmellapeculiarsulphurousodorinthedish?

Faugh！takeitaway；Ican"teat。Hepromisesthemsplendorsandtriumphs。Theconqueror"searrollsglitteringthroughthecity，themultitudeshoutandhuzza。Driveon，coachman。Yes，butwhoisthathangingonbehindthecarriage?Isthistherewardofeloquence，talents，industry?Isthistheendofalife"slabor?

Don"tyourememberhow，whenthedragonwasinfestingtheneighborhoodofBabylon，thecitizensusedtowalkdismallyoutofevenings，andlookatthevalleysroundaboutstrewedwiththebonesofthevictimswhomthemonsterhaddevoured?Oinsatiatebrute，andmostdisgusting，brazen，andscalyreptile！Letusbethankful，children，thatithasnotgobbledusuptoo。Quick。Letusturnaway，andpraythatwemaybekeptoutofthereachofhishorriblemaw，jaw，claw！

WhenIfirstcameuptoLondon，asinnocentasMonsieurGilBlas，I

alsofellinwithsomeprettyacquaintances，foundmywayintoseveralcaverns，anddeliveredmypursetomorethanonegallantgentlemanoftheroad。OneIrememberespecially——onewhonevereasedmepersonallyofasinglemaravedi——onethanwhomInevermetabanditmoregallant，courteous，andamiable。Robme?Rolandofeastedme；treatedmetohisdinnerandhiswine；keptageneroustableforhisfriends，andIknowwasmostliberaltomanyofthem。

HowwellIrememberoneofhisspeculations！Itwasagreatplanforsmugglingtobacco。Revenueofficersweretobeboughtoff；

silentshipsweretoplyontheThames；cunningdepotsweretobeestablished，andhundredsofthousandsofpoundstobemadebythecoup。Howhiseyeskindledashepropoundedtheschemetome！Howeasyandcertainitseemed！Itmighthavesucceeded，Ican"tsay:

buttheboldandmerry，theheartyandkindlyRolandocametogrief——

alittlematterofimitatedsignaturesoccasionedaBankpersecutionofRolandotheBrave。Hewalkedaboutarmed，andvowedhewouldneverbetakenalive:buttakenhewas；tried，condemned，sentencedtoperpetualbanishment；andIheardthatforsometimehewasuniversallypopularinthecolonywhichhadthehonortopossesshim。Whatasonghecouldsing！"Twaswhenthecupwassparklingbeforeus，andheavengaveaportionofitsblue，boys，blue，thatI

rememberthesongofRolandatthe“OldPiazzaCoffee-house。”Andnowwhereisthe“OldPiazzaCoffee-house?“WhereisThebes?whereisTroy?whereistheColossusofRhodes?Ah，Rolando，Rolando！

thouwertagallantcaptain，acheery，ahandsome，amerry。AtME

thouneverpresentedstpistol。ThoubadestthebumperofBurgundyfill，fillforme，givingthosewhopreferreditchampagne。Caelumnonanimum，&c。Doyouthinkhehasreformednowthathehascrossedthesea，andchangedtheair?Ihavemyownopinion。

Howbeit，Rolando，thouwertamostkindandhospitablebandit。

AndIlovenottothinkoftheewithachainatthyshin。

Doyouknowhowallthesememoriesofunfortunatemenhavecomeuponme?Whentheycametofrightenmethismorningbyspeakingofmyrobbedpears，myperforatedgardenwall，IwasreadinganarticleintheSaturdayReviewaboutRupilius。Ihavesatnearthatyoungmanatapublicdinner，andbeheldhiminagildeduniform。Butyesterdayhelivedinsplendor，hadlonghair，aflowingbeard，ajewelathisneck，andasmartsurtout。Soattired，hestoodbutyesterdayincourt；andto-dayhesitsoverabowlofprisoncocoa，withashavedhead，andinafelon"sjerkin。

Thatbeardandheadshaved，thatgaudydeputy-lieutenant"scoatexchangedforfelonuniform，andyourdailybottleofchampagneforprisoncocoa，mypoorRupilius，whatacomfortitmustbetohavethebusinessbroughttoanend！Champagnewasthehonorablegentleman"sdrinkintheHouseofCommonsdining-room，asIaminformed。Whatuncommonlydrychampagnethatmusthavebeen！Whenwesawhimoutwardlyhappy，howmiserablehemusthavebeen！whenwethoughthimprosperous，howdismallypoor！WhenthegreatMr。

Harker，atthepublicdinners，calledout——“Gentlemen，chargeyourglasses，andpleasesilencefortheHonorableMemberforLambeth！“

howthatHonorableMembermusthavewrithedinwardly！Oneday，whentherewasatalkofagentleman"shonorbeingquestioned，Rupiliussaid，“Ifanymandoubtedmine，Iwouldknockhimdown。”Butthatspeechwasinthewayofbusiness。TheSpartanboy，whostolethefox，smiledwhilethebeastwasgnawinghimunderhiscloak:I

promiseyouRupiliushadsomesharpfangsgnashingunderhis。Wehavesatatthesamefeast，Isay:wehavepaidourcontributiontothesamecharity。Ah！whenIaskthisdayformydailybread，I

praynottobeledintotemptation，andtobedeliveredfromevil。

DESSEIN"S。

Iarrivedbythenight-mailpacketfromDover。Thepassagehadbeenrough，andtheusualconsequenceshadensued。IwasdisinclinedtotravelfartherthatnightonmyroadtoParis，andknewtheCalaishotelofoldasoneofthecleanest，oneofthedearest，oneofthemostcomfortablehotelsonthecontinentofEurope。ThereisnotownmoreFrenchthanCalais。Thatcharmingold“HotelDessein，“

withitscourt，itsgardens，itslordlykitchen，itsprincelywaiter——agentlemanoftheoldschool，whohaswelcomedthefinestcompanyinEurope——havelongbeenknowntome。IhavereadcomplaintsinTheTimes，morethanonce，Ithink，thattheDesseinbillsaredear。Abottleofsoda-watercertainlycosts——well，nevermindhowmuch。Irememberasaboy，atthe“Ship“atDover(imperanteCaroloDecimo)，when，myplacetoLondonbeingpaid，I

hadbut12s。leftafteracertainlittleParisexcursion(aboutwhichmybenightedparentsneverknewanything)，orderingfordinnerawhiting，abeefsteak，andaglassofnegus，andthebillwas，dinner7s。，glassofnegus2s。，waiter6d。，andonlyhalfacrownleft，asIwasasinner，fortheguardandcoachmanonthewaytoLondon！AndIWASasinner。Ihadgonewithoutleave。Whatalong，dreary，guiltyfortyhours"journeyitwasfromParistoCalais，Iremember！HowdidIcometothinkofthisescapade，whichoccurredintheEastervacationoftheyear1830?IalwaysthinkofitwhenIamcrossingtoCalais。Guilt，sir，guiltremainsstampedonthememory，andIfeeleasierinmymindnowthatitisliberatedofthisoldpeccadillo。Imetmycollegetutoronlyyesterday。Weweretravelling，andstoppedatthesamehotel。Hehadtheverynextroomtomine。Afterhehadgoneintohisapartment，havingshakenmequitekindlybythehand，Ifeltinclinedtoknockathisdoorandsay，“DoctorBentley，Ibegyourpardon，butdoyouremember，whenIwasgoingdownattheEastervacationin1830，youaskedmewhereIwasgoingtospendmyvacation?AndIsaid，WithmyfriendSlingsby，inHuntingdonshire。Well，sir，IgrievetohavetoconfessthatItoldyouafib。Ihadgot20L。andwasgoingforalarktoParis，wheremyfriendEdwardswasstaying。”There，itisout。TheDoctorwillreadit，forIdidnotwakehimupafteralltomakemyconfession，butprotestheshallhaveacopyofthisRoundaboutsenttohimwhenhereturnstohislodge。

Theygavemeabedroomthere；averyneatroomonthefirstfloor，lookingintotheprettygarden。ThehotelmustlookprettymuchasitdidahundredyearsagowhenHEvisitedit。Iwonderwhetherhepaidhisbill?Yes:hisjourneywasjustbegun。Hehadborrowedorgotthemoneysomehow。Suchamanwouldspenditliberallyenoughwhenhehadit，givegenerously——nay，dropatearoverthefateofthepoorfellowwhomherelieved。Idon"tbelieveawordhesays，butIneveraccusedhimofstinginessaboutmoney。Thatisafaultofmuchmorevirtuouspeoplethanhe。Mr。Laurenceisreadyenoughwithhispursewhenthereareanybody"sguineasinit。StillwhenI

wenttobedintheroom，inHISroom；whenIthinkhowIadmire，dislike，andhaveabusedhim，acertaindimfeelingofapprehensionfilledmymindatthemidnighthour。WhatifIshouldseehisleanfigureintheblack-satinbreeches，hissinistersmile，hislongthinfingerpointingtomeinthemoonlight(forIaminbed，andhavepoppedmycandleout)，andheshouldsay，“Youmistrustme，youhateme，doyou?Andyou，don"tyouknowhowJack，Tom，andHarry，yourbrotherauthors，hateYOU?“Igrinandlaughinthemoonlight，inthemidnight，inthesilence。“Oyoughostinblack-satinbreechesandawig！Iliketobehatedbysomemen，“Isay。“I

knowmenwhoselivesareascheme，whoselaughterisaconspiracy，whosesmilemeanssomethingelse，whosehatredisacloak，andIhadratherthesemenshouldhatemethannot。”

“Mygoodsir，“sayshe，withaghastlygrinonhisleanface，“youhaveyourwish。”

“Apres?“Isay。“Pleaseletmegotosleep。Ishan"tsleepanytheworsebecause——“

“Becausethereareinsectsinthebed，andtheystingyou?“(Thisisonlybywayofillustration，mygoodsir；theanimalsdon"tbitemenow。Allthehouseatpresentseemstomeexcellentlyclean。)

“"Tisabsurdtoaffectthisindifference。Ifyouarethin-skinned，andthereptilesbite，theykeepyoufromsleep。”

“Therearesomemenwhocryoutataflea-biteasloudasiftheyweretornbyavulture，“Igrowl。

“Menofthegenusirritabile，myworthygoodgentleman！——andyouareone。”

“Yes，sir，Iamoftheprofession，asyousay；andIdaresaymakeagreatshoutingandcryingatasmallhurt。”

“Youareashamedofthatqualitybywhichyouearnyoursubsistence，andsuchreputationasyouhave?Yoursensibilityisyourlivelihood，myworthyfriend。Youfeelapangofpleasureorpain?

Itisnotedinyourmemory，andsomedayorothermakesitsappearanceinyourmanuscript。Why，inyourlastRoundaboutrubbishyoumentionreadingyourfirstnovelonthedaywhenKingGeorgeIV。

wascrowned。IrememberhiminhiscradleatSt。James"s，alovelylittlebabe；agiltChineserailingwasbeforehim，andIdroppedthetearofsensibilityasIgazedonthesleepingcherub。”

“Atear——afiddlestick，MR。STERNE，“Igrowledout，forofcourseI

knewmyfriendinthewigandsatinbreechestobenootherthanthenotorious，nay，celebratedMr。LaurenceSterne。

“Doesnotthesightofabeautifulinfantcharmandmeltyou，monami?Ifnot，Ipityyou。Yes，hewasbeautiful。IwasinLondontheyearhewasborn。Iusedtobreakfastatthe"MountCoffee-

house。"Ididnotbecomethefashionuntiltwoyearslater，whenmy"Tristram"madehisappearance，whohasheldhisownforahundredyears。Bytheway，monbonmonsieur，howmanyauthorsofyourpresenttimewilllasttillthenextcentury?DoyouthinkBrownwill?“

IlaughedwithscornasIlayinmybed(andsodidtheghostgiveaghastlysnigger)。

“Brown！“Iroared。“Oneofthemostover-ratedmenthateverputpentopaper！“

“WhatdoyouthinkofJones?“

Igrewindignantwiththisoldcynic。“Asareasonableghost，comeoutoftheotherworld，youdon"tmean，“Isaid，“toaskmeaseriousopinionofMr。Jones?Hisbooksmaybeverygoodreadingformaid-servantsandschool-boys，butyoudon"taskMEtoreadthem?Asascholaryourselfyoumustknowthat——“

“Well，then，Robinson?“

“Robinson，Iamtold，hasmerit。Idaresay；Ineverhavebeenabletoreadhisbooks，andcan"t，therefore，formanyopinionaboutMr。

Robinson。AtleastyouwillallowthatIamnotspeakinginaprejudicedmanneraboutHIM。”

“Ah！Iseeyoumenoflettershaveyourcabalsandjealousies，aswehadinmytime。TherewasanIrishfellowbythenameofGouldsmith，whousedtoabuseme；buthewentintonogenteelcompany——andfaith！itmatteredlittle，hispraiseorabuse。I

neverwasmoresurprisedthanwhenIheardthatMr。Irving，anAmericangentlemanofpartsandelegance，hadwrotethefellow"slife。Tomakeaheroofthatman，mydearsir，"twasridiculous！

Youfollowedinthefashion，Ihear，andchosetolayawreathbeforethisqueerlittleidol。Preposterous！Aprettywriter，whohasturnedsomeneatcouplets。Bah！IhavenopatiencewithMasterPosterity，thathaschosentotakeupthisfellow，andmakeaheroofhim！Andtherewasanothergentlemanofmytime，Mr。ThiefcatcherFielding，forsooth！afellowwiththestrength，andthetastes，andthemannersofaporter！WhatmadnesshaspossessedyoualltobowbeforethatCalvertButtofaman?——acreaturewithouteleganceorsensibility！Thedoghadspirits，certainly。IremembermyLordBathurstpraisingthem:butasforreadinghisbooks——mafoi，I

wouldasliefgoanddivefortripeinacellar。Theman"svulgaritystiflesme。Hewaftsmewhiffsofgin。Tobaccoandonionsareinhisgreatcoarselaugh，whichchokeme，pardi；andIdon"tthinkmuchbetteroftheotherfellow——theScots"gallipotpurveyor——

PeregrineClinker，HumphreyRandom——howdidthefellowcallhisrubbish?Neitherofthesemenhadthebelair，thebonton，thejenescaisquoy。Pah！IfImeettheminmywalksbyourStygianriver，Igivethemawideberth，asthathybridapothecaryfellowwouldsay。Anounceofcivet，goodapothecary；horrible，horrible！

Themerethoughtofthecoarsenessofthosemengivesmethechairdepoule。Mr。Fielding，especially，hasnomoresensibilitythanabutcherinFleetMarket。Hetakeshisheroesoutofale-housekitchens，orworseplacesstill。AndthisisthepersonwhomPosterityhaschosentohonoralongwithme——ME！Faith，MonsieurPosterity，youhaveputmeinprettycompany，andIseeyouarenowiserthanwewereinourtime。Mr。Fielding，forsooth！Mr。TripeandOnions！Mr。CowheelandGin！Thankyoufornothing。MonsieurPosterity！“

“Andso，“thoughtI，“evenamongtheseStygiansthisenvyandquarrelsomeness(ifyouwillpermitmetheword)survive?Whatapitifulmeanness！Tobesure，Icanunderstandthisfeelingtoacertainextent；asenseofjusticewillpromptit。Inmyowncase，Ioftenfeelmyselfforcedtoprotestagainsttheabsurdpraiseslavishedoncontemporaries。Yesterday，forinstance，LadyJoneswasgoodenoughtopraiseoneofmyworks。Tresbien。Butintheverynextminuteshebegan，withquiteasgreatenthusiasm，topraiseMissHobson"slastromance。Mygoodcreature，whatisthatwoman"spraiseworthwhoabsolutelyadmiresthewritingsofMissHobson?I

offerafriendabottleof"44claret，fitforapontificalsupper。

"Thisiscapitalwine，"sayshe；"andnowwehavefinishedthebottle，willyougivemeabottleofthatordinairewedranktheotherday?"Verywell，mygoodman。Youareagoodjudge——ofordinaire，Idaresay。Nothingsoprovokesmyanger，androusesmysenseofjustice，astohearothermenundeservedlypraised。Inaword，ifyouwishtoremainfriendswithme，don"tpraiseanybody。

YoutellmethattheVenusde"Mediciisbeautiful，orJacobOmniumistall。Quediable！Can"tIjudgeformyself?Haven"tIeyesandafoot-rule?Idon"tthinktheVenusISsohandsome，sinceyoupressme。Sheispretty，butshehasnoexpression。AndasforMr。

Omnium，Icanseemuchtallermeninafairfortwopence。”

“Andso，“Isaid，turningroundtoMr。Sterne，“youareactuallyjealousofMr。Fielding?Oyoumenofletters，youmenofletters！

Isnottheworld(yourworld，Imean)bigenoughforallofyou?“

Ioftentravelinmysleep。Ioftenofanightfindmyselfwalkinginmynight-gownaboutthegraystreets。Itisawkwardatfirst，butsomehownobodymakesanyremark。Iglidealongoverthegroundwithmynakedfeet。Themuddoesnotwetthem。Thepassers-bydonottreadonthem。Iamwaftedovertheground，downthestairs，throughthedoors。Thissortoftravelling，dearfriends，Iamsureyouhaveallofyouindulged。

Well，onthenightinquestion(and，ifyouwishtoknowtheprecisedate，itwasthe31stofSeptemberlast)，afterhavingsomelittleconversationwithMr。Sterneinourbedroom，Imusthavegotup，thoughIprotestIdon"tknowhow，andcomedownstairswithhimintothecoffee-roomofthe“HotelDessein，“wherethemoonwasshining，andacoldsupperwaslaidout。Iforgetwhatwehad——

“vol-au-ventd"oeufsdePhenix——agneauauxpistachesalaBarmecide，“——whatmatterswhatwehad?

“Asregardssupperthisiscertain，thelessyouhaveofitthebetter。”

Thatiswhatoneoftheguestsremarked，——ashabbyoldman，inawig，andsuchadirty，ragged，disreputabledressing-gownthatI

shouldhavebeenquitesurprisedathim，onlyoneneverISsurprisedindr——undercertaincircumstances。

“Ican"teat"emnow，“saidthegreasyman(withhisfalseoldteeth，Iwonderhecouldeatanything)。“IrememberAlvanleyeatingthreesuppersonceatCarltonHouse——onenightdepetitecomite。”

“Petitcomite，sir，“saidMr。Sterne。

“Dammy，sir，letmetellmyownstorymyownway。Isay，onenightatCarltonhouse，playingatblindhookeywithYork，Wales，TomRaikes，PrinceBoothby，andDutchSamtheboxer，Alvanleyatethreesuppers，andwonthreeandtwentyhundredpoundsinponies。Neversawafellowwithsuchanappetite，exceptWalesinhisGOODtime。

Buthedestroyedthefinestdigestionamaneverhadwithmaraschino，byJove——alwaysatit。”

“Trymine，“saidMr。Sterne。

“Whatadoosidqueerbox，“saysMr。Brummell。

“IhaditfromaCapuchinfriarinthistown。Theboxisbutahornone；buttothenoseofsensibilityAraby"sperfumeisnotmoredelicate。”

“Icallitdoosidstaleoldrappee，“saysMr。Brummell——(asformeI

declareIcouldnotsmellanythingatallineitheroftheboxes。)

“Oldboyinsmock-frock，takeapinch?“

Theoldboyinthesmock-frock，asMr。Brummellcalledhim，wasaveryoldman，withlongwhitebeard，wearing，notasmock-frock，butashirt；andhehadactuallynothingelsesavearoperoundhisneck，whichhungbehindhischairinthequeerestway。

“Fairsir，“hesaid，turningtoMr。Brummell，“whenthePrinceofWalesandhisfatherlaidsiegetoourtown——“

“Whatnonsenseareyoutalking，oldcock?“saysMr。Brummell；“Waleswasneverhere。HislateMajestyGeorgeIV。passedthroughonhiswaytoHanover。Mygoodman，youdon"tseemtoknowwhat"supatall。Whatishetalkin"aboutthesiegeofCalais?Ilivedherefifteenyears！Oughttoknow。What"shisoldname?“

“IamMasterEustaceofSaintPeter"s，“saidtheoldgentlemanintheshirt。“WhenmyLordKingEdwardlaidsiegetothiscity——“

“LaidsiegetoJericho！“criesMr。Brummell。“Theoldmaniscracked——cracked，sir！“

“——Laidsiegetothiscity，“continuedtheoldman，“IandfivemorepromisedMessireGautierdeMaunythatwewouldgiveourselvesupasransomfortheplace。AndwecamebeforeourLordKingEdward，attiredasyousee，andthefairqueenbeggedourlivesoutofhergramercy。”

“Queen，nonsense！youmeanthePrincessofWales——prettywoman，petitnezretrousse，grewmonstrousstout！“suggestedMr。Brummell，whosereadingwasevidentlynotextensive。“SirSidneySmithwasafinefellow，greattalker，hooknose，sohasLordCochrane，sohasLordWellington。ShewasverysweetonSirSidney。”

“YouracquaintancewiththehistoryofCalaisdoesnotseemtobeconsiderable，“saidMr。SternetoMr。Brummell，withashrug。

“Don"tit，bishop?——forIconcludeyouareabishopbyyourwig。I

knowCalaisaswellasanyman。IlivedhereforyearsbeforeI

tookthatconfoundedconsulateatCaen。Livedinthishotel，thenatLeleux"s。Peopleusedtostophere。GoodfellowsusedtoaskforpoorGeorgeBrummell；Hertforddid，sodidtheDuchessofDevonshire。NotknowCalaisindeed！Thatisagoodjoke。Hadmanyagooddinnerhere:sorryIeverleftit。”

“MyLordKingEdward，“chirpedthequeeroldgentlemanintheshirt，“colonizedtheplacewithhisEnglish，afterwehadyieldedituptohim。Ihaveheardtelltheykeptitfornighthreehundredyears，tillmyLorddeGuisetookitfromafairQueen，Maryofblessedmemory，aholywoman。Eh，butSireGautierofMaunywasagoodknight，avaliantcaptain，gentleandcourteouswithal！Doyourememberhisransomingthe——?“

“Whatistheoldfellowtwaddlin"about?“criesBrummell。“Heistalkingaboutsomeknight?——Ineverspoketoaknight，andveryseldomtoabaronet。Firkins，mybutterman，wasaknight——aknightandalderman。WalesknightedhimonceongoingintotheCity。”

“IamnotsurprisedthatthegentlemanshouldnotunderstandMessireEustaceofSt。Peter"s，“saidtheghostlyindividualaddressedasMr。Sterne。“Yourreadingdoubtlesshasnotbeenveryextensive?“

“Dammy，sir，speakforyourself！“criesMr。Brummell，testily。“I

neverprofessedtobeareadingman，butIwasasgoodasmyneighbors。Waleswasn"tareadingman；Yorkwasn"tareadingman；

Clarencewasn"tareadingman；Sussexwas，buthewasn"tamaninsociety。Irememberreadingyour"SentimentalJourney，"oldboy:

readittotheDuchessatBeauvoir，Irecollect，andshecriedoverit。Doosidcleveramusingbook，anddoesyougreatcredit。Birronwrotedoosidcleverbooks，too；sodidMonkLewis。GeorgeSpencerwasanelegantpoet，andmydearDuchessofDevonshire，ifshehadnotbeenagrandedame，wouldhavebeat"emall，byGeorge。Walescouldn"twrite:hecouldsing，buthecouldn"tspell。”

“Ah，youknowthegreatworld?sodidIinmytime，Mr。Brummell。I

havehadthevisitingticketsofhalfthenobilityatmylodgingsinBondStreet。Buttheyleftmetherenomorecaredforthanlastyear"scalendar，“sighedMr。Sterne。“IwonderwhoisthemodeinLondonnow?Oneofourlatearrivals，myLordMacaulay，hasprodigiousmeritandlearning，and，faith，hishistoriesaremoreamusingthananynovels，myownincluded。”

“Don"tknow，I"msurenotinmyline。Pickthisboneofchicken，“

saysMr。Brummell，triflingwithaskeletonbirdbeforehim。

“IrememberinthiscityofCalaisworsefarethanyoubird，“saidoldMr。EustaceofSaintPeter"s。“Marry，sirs，whenmyLordKingEdwardlaidsiegetous，luckywashewhocouldgetasliceofhorseforhisbreakfast，andaratwassoldatthepriceofahare。”

“Hareiscoarsefood，nevertastedrat，“remarkedtheBeau。“Table-

d"hotepoorfareenoughforamanlikeme，whohasbeenaccustomedtothebestofcookery。Butrat——stifleme！Icouldn"tswallowthat:nevercouldbearhardshipatall。”

“WehadtobearenoughwhenmyLordofEnglandpressedus。"Twaspitifultoseethefacesofourwomenasthesiegewenton，andhearthelittleonesaskingfordinner。”

“Alwaysabore，children。Atdessert，theyarebadenough，butatdinnerthey"rethedeuceandall，“remarkedMr。Brummell。

MessireEustaceofSt。Peter"sdidnotseemtopaymuchattentiontotheBeau"sremarks，butcontinuedhisowntrainofthoughtasoldmenwilldo。

“Ihear，“saidhe，“thattherehasactuallybeennowarbetweenusofFranceandyoumenofEnglandforwellnighfiftyyear。Ourshaseverbeenanationofwarriors。Andbesidesherregularfoundmen-

at-arms，"tissaidtheEnglishofthepresenttimehavemorethanahundredthousandofarcherswithweaponsthatwillcarryforhalfamile。AndamultitudehavecomeamongstusoflatefromagreatWesterncountry，neversomuchasheardofinmytime——valiantmenandgreatdrawersofthelongbow，andtheysaytheyhaveshipsinarmorthatnoshotcanpenetrate。Isitso?Wonderful；wonderful！

Thebestarmor，gossips，isastoutheart。”

“Andifevermanlyheartbeatundershirt-frill，thineisthatheart，SirEustace！“criedMr。Sterne，enthusiastically。

“We，ofFrance，wereneveraccusedoflackofcourage，sir，insofarasIknow，“saidMessireEustace。“WehaveshownasmuchinathousandwarswithyouEnglishbyseaandland；andsometimesweconquered，andsometimes，asisthefortuneofwar，wewerediscomfited。Andnotablyinagreatsea-fightwhichbefelloffUshantonthefirstofJune——OurAdmiral，messireVillaretdeJoyeuse，onboardhisgalleonnamedthe"Vengeur，"beingsorepressedbyanEnglishbombard，ratherthanyieldthecrewofhisshiptomercy，determinedtogodownwithallonboardofher:andtothecryofVivelaRepub——or，Iwouldsay，ofNotreDamealaRescousse，heandhiscrewallsanktoanimmortalgrave——“

“Sir，“saidI，lookingwithamazementattheoldgentleman，“surely，surely，thereissomemistakeinyourstatement。PermitmetoobservethattheactionofthefirstofJunetookplacefivehundredyearsafteryourtime，and——“

“PerhapsIamconfusingmydates，“saidtheoldgentleman，withafaintblush。“YousayIammixingupthetransactionsofmytimeonearthwiththestoryofmysuccessors?Itmaybeso。WetakenocountofafewcenturiesmoreorlessinourdwellingbythedarklingStygianriver。Oflate，therecameamongstusagoodknight，MessiredeCambronne，whofoughtagainstyouEnglishinthecountryofFlanders，beingcaptainoftheguardofmyLordtheKingofFrance，inafamousbattlewhereyouEnglishwouldhavebeenutterlyroutedbutforthesuccorofthePrussianheathen。ThisMessiredeCambronne，whenbiddentoyieldbyyouofEngland，answeredthis，"Theguarddiesbutneversurrenders；"andfoughtalongtimeafterwards，asbecameagoodknight。InourwarswithyouofEnglanditmayhavepleasedtheFatestogiveyouthegreatersuccess，butonourside，also，therehasbeennolackofbravedeedsperformedbybravemen。”

“KingEdwardmayhavebeenthevictor，sir，asbeingthestrongest，butyouaretheheroofthesiegeofCalais！“criedMr。Sterne。

“Yourstoryissacred，andyournamehasbeenblessedforfivehundredyears。Wherevermenspeakofpatriotismandsacrifice，EustaceofSaintPierreshallbebelovedandremembered。I

prostratemyselfbeforethebarefeetwhichstoodbeforeKingEdward。Whatcollarofchivalryistobecomparedtothatgloriousorderwhichyouwear?Think，sir，howoutofthemyriadmillionsofourrace，you，andsomefewmore，standforthasexemplarsofdutyandhonor。Fortunatinimium！“

“Sir，“saidtheoldgentleman，“Ididbutmydutyatapainfulmoment；and"tismatterofwondertomethatmentalkstill，andglorifysuchatriflingmatter。ByourLady"sgrace，inthefairkingdomofFrance，therearescoresofthousandsofmen，gentleandsimple，whowoulddoasIdid。Doesnoteverysentinelathispost，doesnoteveryarcherinthefrontofbattle，braveit，anddiewherehiscaptainbidshim?WhoamIthatIshouldbechosenoutofallFrancetobeanexampleoffortitude?Ibravednotortures，thoughtheseItrustIwouldhaveenduredwithagoodheart。Iwassubjecttothreatsonly。WhowastheRomanknightofwhomtheLatinclerkHoratiustells?“

“ALatinclerk?Faith，IforgetmyLatin，“saysMr。Brummell。“Asktheparson，here。”

“MessireRegulus，Iremember，washisname。TakenprisonerbytheSaracens，hegavehisknightlyword，andwaspermittedtogoseekaransomamonghisownpeople。Beingunabletoraisethesumthatwasafittingransomforsuchaknight，hereturnedtoAfric，andcheerfullysubmittedtothetortureswhichthePaynimsinflicted。

And"tissaidhetookleaveofhisfriendsasgaylyasthoughheweregoingtoavilagekermes，orridingtohisgardenhouseinthesuburbofthecity。”

“Great，good，gloriousman！“criedMr。Sterne，verymuchmoved。

“Letmeembracethatgallanthand，andbedewitwithmytears！Aslongashonorlaststhynameshallberemembered。Seethisdew-droptwinklingonmycheck！"TisthesparklingtributethatSensibilitypaystoValor。ThoughinmylifeandpracticeImayturnfromVirtue，believeme，Ineverhaveceasedtohonorher！Ah，Virtue！

Ah，Sensibility！Oh——“

HereMr。SternewasinterruptedbyamonkoftheOrderofSt。

Francis，whosteppedintotheroom，andbeggedusalltotakeapinchofhisfamousoldrappee。Isupposethesnuffwasverypungent，for，withagreatstart，Iwokeup；andnowperceivedthatImusthavebeendreamingaltogether。“Dessein"s“ofnow-a-daysisnotthe“Dessein"s“whichMr。Sterne，andMr。Brummell，andI

recollectinthegoodoldtimes。ThetownofCalaishasboughttheoldhotel，and“Dessein“hasgoneoverto“Quillacq"s。”AndIwasthereyesterday。AndIrememberolddiligences，andoldpostilionsinpigtailsandjack-boots，whowereonceasaliveasIam，andwhosecrackingwhipsIhaveheardinthemidnightmanyandmanyatime。Now，wherearethey?BeholdtheyhavebeenferriedoverStyx，andhavepassedawayintolimbo。

Iwonderwhattimedoesmyboatgo?Ah！Herecomesthewaiterbringingmemylittlebill。

ONSOMECARPATSANSSOUCI。

Wehavelatelymadetheacquaintanceofanoldladyofninety，whohaspassedthelasttwenty-fiveyearsofheroldlifeinagreatmetropolitanestablishment，theworkhouse，namely，oftheparishofSaintLazarus。Stay——twenty-threeorfouryearsago，shecameoutonce，andthoughttoearnalittlemoneybyhop-picking；butbeingoverworked，andhavingtolieoutatnight，shegotapalsywhichhasincapacitatedherfromallfurtherlabor，andhascausedherpooroldlimbstoshakeeversince。

Anillustrationofthatdismalproverbwhichtellsushowpovertymakesusacquaintedwithstrangebed-fellows，thispooroldshakingbodyhastolayherselfdowneverynightinherworkhousebedbythesideofsomeotheroldwomanwithwhomshemayormaynotagree。

Sheherselfcan"tbeaverypleasantbed-fellow，poorthing！withhershakingoldlimbsandcoldfeet。Sheliesawakeadealofthenight，tobesure，notthinkingofhappyoldtimes，forhersneverwerehappy；butsleeplesswithaches，andagues，andrheumatismofoldage。“Thegentlemangavemebrandy-and-water，“shesaid，heroldvoiceshakingwithraptureatthethought。IneverhadagreatloveforQueenCharlotte，butIlikeherbetternowfromwhatthisoldladytoldme。TheQueen，wholovedsnuffherself，hasleftalegacyofsnufftocertainpoorhouses；and，inherwatchfulnights，thisoldwomantakesapinchofQueenCharlotte"ssnuff，“anditdocomfortme，sir，thatitdo！“Pulverisexiguimunus。Hereisaforlornagedcreature，shakingwithpalsy，withnosoulamongthegreatstrugglingmultitudeofmankindtocareforher，notquitetrampledoutoflife，butpastandforgottenintherush，madealittlehappy，andsoothedinherhoursofunrestbythispennylegacy。LetmethinkasIwrite。(Thenextmonth"ssermon，thankgoodness！issafetopress。)ThisdiscoursewillappearattheseasonwhenIhavereadthatwassail-bowlsmaketheirappearance；attheseasonofpantomime，turkeyandsausages，plum-puddings，jollificationsforschoolboys；Christmasbills，andreminiscencesmoreorlesssadandsweetforelders。Ifweoldstersarenotmerry，weshallbehavingasemblanceofmerriment。Weshallseetheyoungfolkslaughingroundtheholly-bush。Weshallpassthebottleroundcosilyaswesitbythefire。Thatoldthingwillhaveasortoffestivaltoo。Beef，beer，andpuddingwillbeservedtoherforthatdayalso。ChristmasfallsonaThursday。Fridayistheworkhousedayforcomingout。Mary，rememberthatoldGoodyTwoshoeshasherinvitationforFriday，26thDecember！Ninetyisshe，pooroldsoul?Ah！whatabonnyfacetocatchunderamistletoe！“Yes，ninety，sir，“shesays，“andmymotherwasahundred，andmygrandmotherwasahundredandtwo。”

Herselfninety，hermotherahundred，hergrandmotherahundredandtwo?Whataqueercalculation！

Ninety！Verygood，granny:youwereborn，then，in1772。

Yourmother，wewillsay，wastwenty-sevenwhenyouwereborn，andwasbornthereforein1745。

Yourgrandmotherwasthirtywhenherdaughterwasborn，andwasbornthereforein17l5。

Wewillbeginwiththepresentgrannyfirst。Mygoodoldcreature，youcan"tofcourseremember，butthatlittlegentlemanforwhomyourmotherwaslaundressintheTemplewastheingeniousMr。