第11章
Therearenostandardsnorealstandards。Eachman’spreferenceistheonlystandardforhim，theonlyonewhichhecanaccept，theonlyonewhichcancommandhim。
ASCONCERNSINTERPRETINGTHEDEITY
I
ThislineofhieroglyphicswasforfourteenyearsthedespairofallthescholarswholaboredoverthemysteriesoftheRosettastone:[Figure1]
AfterfiveyearsofstudyChampolliontranslateditthus:
ThereforelettheworshipofEpiphanesbemaintainedinallthetemples，thisuponpainofdeath。
Thatwasthetwentyforthtranslationthathadbeenfurnishedbyscholars。Foratimeitstood。Butonlyforatime。Thendoubtsbegantoassailitandundermineit，andthescholarsresumedtheirlabors。Threeyearsofpatientworkproducedelevennewtranslations;amongthem，this，byGr:unfeldt，wasreceivedwithconsiderablefavor:
ThehorseofEpiphanesshallbemaintainedatthepublicexpense;
thisuponpainofdeath。
Butthefollowingrendering，byGospodin，wasreceivedbythelearnedworldwithyetgreaterfavor:
ThepriestshallexplainthewisdomofEpiphanestoallthesepeople，andtheseshalllistenwithreverence，uponpainofdeath。
Sevenyearsfollowed，inwhichtwentyonefreshandwidelyvaryingrenderingswerescorednoneofthemquiteconvincing。
Butnow，atlast，cameRawlinson，theyoungestofallthescholars，withatranslationwhichwasimmediatelyanduniversallyrecognizedasbeingthecorrectversion，andhisnamebecamefamousinaday。Sofamous，indeed，thateventhechildrenwerefamiliarwithit;andsuchanoisedidtheachievementitselfmakethatnoteventhenoiseofthemonumentalpoliticaleventofthatsameyeartheflightfromElbawasabletosmotherittosilence。Rawlinson’sversionreadsasfollows:
Therefore，walknotawayfromthewisdomofEpiphanes，butturnandfollowit;soshallitconducttheetothetemple’speace，andsoftenfortheethesorrowsoflifeandthepainsofdeath。
Hereisanotherdifficulttext:[Figure2]
ItisdemoticastyleofEgyptianwritingandaphaseofthelanguagewhichhasperishedfromtheknowledgeofallmentwentyfivehundredyearsbeforetheChristianera。
OurredIndianshaveleftmanyrecords，intheformofpictures，uponourcragsandboulders。Ithastakenourmostgiftedandpainstakingstudentstwocenturiestogetatthemeaningshiddeninthesepictures;yettherearestilltwolittlelinesofhieroglyphicsamongthefiguresgroupedupontheDightonRockswhichtheyhavenotsucceedsininterpretingtotheirsatisfaction。These:[Figure3]
Thesuggestedsolutionsarepracticallyinnumerable;theywouldfillabook。
Thuswehaveinfinitetroubleinsolvingmanmademysteries;
itisonlywhenwesetouttodiscoverthesecretofGodthatourdifficultiesdisappear。Itwasalwaysso。InantiqueRomantimesitwasthecustomoftheDeitytotrytoconcealHisintentionsintheentrailsofbirds，andthiswaspatientlyandhopefullycontinuedcenturyaftercentury，althoughtheattemptedconcealmentneversucceeded，inasinglerecordedinstance。Theaugurscouldreadentrailsaseasilyasamodernchildcanreadcoarseprint。Romanhistoryisfullofthemarvelsofinterpretationwhichtheseextraordinarymenperformed。Thesestrangeandwonderfulachievementsmoveouraweandcompelouradmiration。Thosemencouldpiercetothemarrowofamysteryinstantly。IftheRosettastoneideahadbeenintroduceditwouldhavedefeatedthem，butentrailshadnoembarrassmentsforthem。Entrailshavegoneout，nowentrailsanddreams。Itwasatlastfoundoutthatashidingplacesforthedivineintentionstheywereinadequate。
ApartofthewallofValletriinformertimesbeenstruckwiththunder，theresponseofthesoothsayerswas，thatanativeofthattownwouldsometimeorotherarriveatsupremepower。
BOHN’SSUETONIUS，p。138。
"Sometimeorother。"Itlooksindefinite，butnomatter，ithappened，allthesame;oneneededonlytowait，andbepatient，andkeepwatch，thenhewouldfindoutthatthethunder
strokehadCaesarAugustusinmind，andhadcometogivenotice。
Therewereotheradvanceadvertisements。OneofthemappearedjustbeforeCaesarAugustuswasborn，andwasmostpoeticandtouchingandromanticinitsfeelingsandaspects。
Itwasadream。ItwasdreamedbyCaesarAugustus’smother，andinterpretedattheusualrates:
Atia，beforeherdelivery，dreamedthatherbowelsstretchedtothestarsandexpandedthroughthewholecircuitofheavenandearth。SUETONIUS，p。139。
Thatwasintheaugur’sline，andfurnishedhimnodifficulties，butitwouldhavetakenRawlinsonandChampollionfourteenyearstomakesureofwhatitmeant，becausetheywouldhavebeensurprisedanddizzy。Itwouldhavebeentoolatetobevaluable，then，andthebillforservicewouldhavebeenbarredbythestatuteoflimitation。
InthoseoldRomandaysagentleman’seducationwasnotcompleteuntilhehadtakenatheologicalcourseattheseminaryandlearnedhowtotranslateentrails。CaesarAugustus’seducationreceivedthisfinalpolish。Allthroughhislife，wheneverhehadpoultryonthemenuhesavedtheinteriorsandkepthimselfinformedoftheDeity’splansbyexercisinguponthoseinteriorstheartsofaugury。
Inhisfirstconsulship，whilehewasobservingtheauguries，twelvevulturespresentedthemselves，astheyhaddonetoRomulus。Andwhenheofferedsacrifice，theliversofallthevictimswerefoldedinwardinthelowerpart;acircumstancewhichwasregardedbythosepresentwhohadskillinthingsofthatnature，asanindubitableprognosticofgreatandwonderfulfortune。SUETONIUS，p。141。
"Indubitable"isastrongword，butnodoubtitwasjustified，iftheliverswerereallyturnedthatway。Inthosedayschickenliverswerestrangelyanddelicatelysensitivetocomingevents，nomatterhowfarofftheymightbe;andtheycouldneverkeepstill，butwouldcurlandsquirmlikethat，particularlywhenvulturescameandshowedinterestinthatapproachinggreateventandinbreakfast。
II
Wemaynowskipelevenhundredandthirtyorfortyyears，whichbringsusdowntoenlightenedChristiantimesandthetroubleddaysofKingStephenofEngland。Theaugurhashadhisdayandhasbeenlongagoforgotten;thepriesthadfallenheirtohistrade。
KingHenryisdead;Stephen，thatboldandoutrageousperson，comesflyingoverfromNormandytostealthethronefromHenry’sdaughter。Heaccomplishedhiscrime，andHenryofHuntington，apriestofhighdegree，mournsoveritinhisChronicle。TheArchbishopofCanterburyconsecratedStephen:
"whereforetheLordvisitedtheArchbishopwiththesamejudgmentwhichhehadinflicteduponhimwhostruckJeremiahthegreatpriest:hediedwithayear。"
Stephen’swasthegreateroffense，butStephencouldwait;
notsotheArchbishop，apparently。
Thekingdomwasapreytointestinewars;slaughter，fire，andrapinespreadruinthroughouttheland;criesofdistress，horror，andwoeroseineveryquarter。
ThatwastheresultofStephen’scrime。Theseunspeakableconditionscontinuedduringnineteenyears。ThenStephendiedascomfortablyasanymaneverdid，andwashonorablyburied。ItmakesonepitythepoorArchbishop，andwiththathe，too，couldhavebeenletoffasleniently。HowdidHenryofHuntingtonknowthattheArchbishopwassenttohisgravebyjudgmentofGodforconsecratingStephen？Hedoesnotexplain。NeitherdoesheexplainwhyStephenwasawardedapleasanterdeaththanhewasentitledto，whiletheagedKingHenry，hispredecessor，whohadruledEnglandthirtyfiveyearstothepeople’sstronglywordedsatisfaction，wascondemnedtoclosehislifeincircumstancesmostdistinctlyunpleasant，inconvenient，anddisagreeable。Hiswasprobablythemostuninspiringfuneralthatissetdowninhistory。Thereisnotadetailaboutitthatisattractive。ItseemstohavebeenjustthefuneralforStephen，andevenatthisfardistantdayitismatterofjustregretthatbyanindiscretionthewrongmangotit。
WheneverGodpunishesaman，HenryofHuntingtonknowswhyitwasdone，andtellsus;andhispeniseloquentwithadmiration;butwhenamanhasearnedpunishment，andescapes，hedoesnotexplain。Heisevidentlypuzzled，buthedoesnotsayanything。Ithinkitisoftenapparentthatheispainedbythesediscrepancies，butloyallytrieshisbestnottoshowit。
Whenhecannotpraise，hedelivershimselfofasilencesomarkedthatasuspiciouspersoncouldmistakeitforsuppressedcriticism。However，hehasplentyofopportunitiestofeelcontentedwiththewaythingsgohisbookisfullofthem。
KingDavidofScotland……undercolorofreligioncausedhisfollowerstodealmostbarbarouslywiththeEnglish。Theyrippedopenwomen，tossedchildrenonthepointsofspears，butcheredpriestsatthealtars，and，cuttingofftheheadsfromtheimagesoncrucifixes，placedthemonthebodiesoftheslain，whileinexchangetheyfixedonthecrucifixestheheadsoftheirvictims。WherevertheScotscame，therewasthesamesceneofhorrorandcruelty:womenshrieking，oldmenlamenting，amidthegroansofthedyingandthedespairoftheliving。
ButtheEnglishgotthevictory。
ThenthechiefofthemenofLothianfell，piercedbyanarrow，andallhisfollowerswereputtoflight。FortheAlmightywasoffendedatthemandtheirstrengthwasrentlikeacobweb。
Offendedatthemforwhat？Forcommittingthosefearfulbutcheries？No，forthatwasthecommoncustomonbothsides，andnotopentocriticism。Thenwasitfordoingthebutcheries"undercoverofreligion"？No，thatwasnotit;religiousfeelingwasoftenexpressedinthatferventwayallthroughthoseoldcenturies。Thetruthis，Hewasnotoffendedat"them"atall;
Hewasonlyoffendedattheirking，whohadbeenfalsetoanoath。
ThenwhydidnotHeputthepunishmentuponthekinginsteadofupon"them"？Itisadifficultquestion。OnecanseebytheChroniclethatthe"judgments"fellrathercustomarilyuponthewrongperson，butHenryofHuntingtondoesnotexplainwhy。
Hereisonethatwenttrue;thechronicler’ssatisfactioninitisnothidden:
InthemonthofAugust，Providencedisplayeditsjusticeinaremarkablemanner;fortwoofthenobleswhohadconvertedmonasteriesintofortifications，expellingthemonks，theirsinbeingthesame，metwithasimilarpunishment。RobertMarmionwasone，GodfreydeMandevilletheother。RobertMarmion，issuingforthagainsttheenemy，wasslainunderthewallsofthemonastery，beingtheonlyonewhofell，thoughhewassurroundedbyhistroops。Dyingexcommunicated，hebecamesubjecttodeatheverlasting。InlikemannerEarlGodfreywassingledoutamonghisfollowers，andshotwithanarrowbyacommonfootsoldier。
Hemadelightofthewound，buthediedofitinafewdays，underexcommunication。SeeherethelikejudgmentofGod，memorablethroughallages！
Theexaltationjarsuponme;notbecauseofthedeathofthemen，fortheydeservedthat，butbecauseitisdeatheternal，inwhitehotfireandflame。Itmakesmyfleshcrawl。Ihavenotknownmorethanthreemen，orperhapsfour，inmywholelifetime，*whomIwouldrejoicetoseewrithinginthosefiresforevenayear，letaloneforever。IbelieveIwouldrelentbeforetheyearwasup，andgetthemoutifIcould。Ithinkthatinthelongrun，ifaman’swifeandbabies，whohadnotharmedme，shouldcomecryingandpleading，Icouldn’tstandit;IknowI
shouldforgivehimandlethimgo，evenifhehadviolatedamonastery。HenryofHuntingtonhasbeenwatchingGodfreyandMarmionfornearlysevenhundredandfiftyyears，now，butI
couldn’tdoit，IknowIcouldn’t。Iamsoftandgentleinmynature，andIshouldhaveforgiventhemseventyandseventimes，longago。AndIthinkGodhas;butthisisonlyanopinion，andnotauthoritative，likeHenryofHuntington’sinterpretations。
Icouldlearntointerpret，butIhavenevertried;Igetsolittletime。
AllthroughhisbookHenryexhibitshisfamiliaritywiththeintentionsofGod，andwiththereasonsforhisintentions。
Sometimesveryoften，infacttheactfollowstheintentionaftersuchawideintervaloftimethatonewondershowHenrycouldfitoneactoutofahundredtooneintentionoutofahundredandgetthethingrighteverytimewhentherewassuchabundantchoiceamongactsandintentions。SometimesamanoffendstheDeitywithacrime，andispunishedforitthirtyyearslater;meantimehewascommittedamillionothercrimes:
nomatter，Henrycanpickouttheonethatbroughttheworms。
Wormsweregenerallyusedinthosedaysfortheslayingofparticularlywickedpeople。Thishasgoneout，now，butinoldtimesitwasafavorite。Italwaysindicatedacaseof"wrath。"
Forinstance:……thejustGodavengingRobertFitzhilderbrand’sperfidy，awormgrewinhisvitals，whichgraduallygnawingitswaythroughhisintestinesfattenedontheabandonedmantill，torturedwithexcruciatingsufferingsandventinghimselfinbittermoans，hewasbyafittingpunishmentbroughttohisend。
（P。400。）
Itwasprobablyanalligator，butwecannottell;weonlyknowitwasaparticularbreed，andonlyusedtoconveywrath。
Someauthoritiesthinkitwasanichthyosaurus，butthereismuchdoubt。
However，onethingwedoknow;andthatisthatthatwormhadbeendueyearsandyears。RobertF。hadviolatedamonasteryonce;
hehadcommittedunprintablecrimessince，andtheyhadbeenpermittedunderdisapprovalbuttheravishmentofthemonasteryhadnotbeenforgottennorforgiven，andthewormcameatlast。
Whywerethesereformsputoffinthisstrangeway？Whatwastobegainedbyit？DidHenryofHuntingtonreallyknowhisfacts，orwasheonlyguessing？SometimesIamhalfpersuadedthatheisonlyaguesser，andnotagoodone。Thedivinewisdommustsurelybeofthebetterqualitythanhemakesitouttobe。
FivehundredyearsbeforeHenry’stimesomeforecastsoftheLord’spurposeswerefurnishedbyapope，whoperceived，bycertainperfectlytrustworthysignsfurnishedbytheDeityfortheinformationofHisfamiliars，thattheendoftheworldwas……abouttocome。Butasthisendoftheworlddrawsnearmanythingsareathandwhichhavenotbeforehappened，aschangesintheair，terriblesignsintheheavens，tempestsoutofthecommonorderoftheseasons，wars，famines，pestilences，earthquakesinvariousplaces;allwhichwillnothappeninourdays，butafterourdaysallwillcometopass。
Still，theendwassonearthatthesesignswere"sentbeforethatwemaybecarefulforoursoulsandbefoundpreparedtomeettheimpendingjudgment。"
Thatwasthirteenhundredyearsago。ThisisreallynoimprovementontheworkoftheRomanaugurs。
ASIMPLIFIEDALPHABET
（Thisarticle，writtenduringtheautumnof1899，wasaboutthelastwritingdonebyMarkTwainonanyimpersonalsubject。）
Ihavehadakindlyfeeling，afriendlyfeeling，acousinlyfeelingtowardSimplifiedSpelling，fromthebeginningofthemovementthreeyearsago，butnothingmoreinflamedthanthat。
Itseemedtometomerelyproposetosubstituteoneinadequacyforanother;asortofpatchingandpluggingpoorolddentalrelicswithcementandgoldandporcelainpaste;whatwasreallyneededwasanewsetofteeth。Thatistosay，anewALPHABET。
Theheartofourtroubleiswithourfoolishalphabet。Itdoesn’tknowhowtospell，andcan’tbetaught。Inthisitislikeallotheralphabetsexceptonethephonographic。Thisistheonlycompetentalphabetintheworld。Itcanspellandcorrectlypronounceanywordinourlanguage。
Thatadmirablealphabet，thatbrilliantalphabet，thatinspiredalphabet，canbelearnedinanhourortwo。Inaweekthestudentcanlearntowriteitwithsomelittlefacility，andtoreaditwithconsiderableease。Iknow，forIsawittriedinapublicschoolinNevadafortyfiveyearsago，andwassoimpressedbytheincidentthatithasremainedinmymemoryeversince。
Iwishwecouldadoptitinplaceofourpresentwritten（andprinted）character。ImeanSIMPLYthealphabet;simplytheconsonantsandthevowelsIdon’tmeananyREDUCTIONSorabbreviationsofthem，suchastheshorthandwriterusesinordertogetcompressionandspeed。No，IwouldSPELLEVERYWORDOUT。
IwillinsertthealphabethereasIfinditinBurnz’sPHONICSHORTHAND。[Figure1]ItisarrangedonthebasisofIsaacPitman’sPHONOGRAPHY。IsaacPitmanwastheoriginatorandfatherofscientificphonography。Itisusedthroughouttheglobe。Itwasamemorableinvention。Hemadeitpublicseventy
threeyearsago。ThefirmofIsaacPitman&Sons，NewYork，stillexists，andtheycontinuethemaster’swork。
Whatshouldwegain？
Firstofall，wecouldspellDEFINITELYandcorrectlyanywordyouplease，justbytheSOUNDofit。Wecan’tdothatwithourpresentalphabet。Forinstance，takeasimple，everydaywordPHTHISIS。Ifwetriedtospellitbythesoundofit，weshouldmakeitTYSIS，andbelaughedatbyeveryeducatedperson。
Secondly，weshouldgaininREDUCTIONOFLABORinwriting。
SimplifiedSpellingmakesvaluablereductionsinthecaseofseveralhundredwords，butthenewspellingmustbeLEARNED。Youcan’tspellthembythesound;youmustgetthemoutofthebook。
Butevenifweknewthesimplifiedformforeverywordinthelanguage，thephonographicalphabetwouldstillbeattheSimplifiedSpeller"handsdown"intheimportantmatterofeconomyoflabor。Iwillillustrate:
PRESENTFORM:through，laugh，highland。
SIMPLIFIEDFORM:thru，laff，hyland。
PHONOGRAPHICFORM:[Figure2]
Towritetheword"through，"thepenhastomaketwentyonestrokes。
Towritetheword"thru，"thenpenhastomaketwelvestrokes
agoodsaving。
Towritethatsamewordwiththephonographicalphabet，thepenhastomakeonlyTHREEstrokes。
Towritetheword"laugh，"thepenhastomakeFOURTEEN
strokes。
Towrite"laff，"thepenhastomaketheSAMENUMBERofstrokesnolaborissavedtothepenman。
Towritethesamewordwiththephonographicalphabet，thepenhastomakeonlyTHREEstrokes。
Towritetheword"highland，"thepenhastomaketwentytwostrokes。
Towrite"hyland，"thepenhastomakeeighteenstrokes。
Towritethatwordwiththephonographicalphabet，thepenhastomakeonlyFIVEstrokes。[Figure3]
Towritethewords"phonographicalphabet，"thepenhastomakefiftythreestrokes。
Towrite"fonograficalfabet，"thepenhastomakefiftystrokes。
Tothepenman，thesavinginlaborisinsignificant。
Towritethatword（withvowels）withthephonographicalphabet，thepenhastomakeonlySEVENTEENstrokes。
Withoutthevowels，onlyTHIRTEENstrokes。[Figure4]Thevowelsarehardlynecessary，thistime。
Wemakefivepenstrokesinwritinganm。Thus:[Figure5]
astrokedown;astrokeup;asecondstrokedown;asecondstrokeup;afinalstrokedown。Total，five。Thephonographicalphabetaccomplishesthemwithasinglestrokeacurve，likeaparenthesisthathascomehomedrunkandhasfallenfacedownrightatthefrontdoorwhereeverybodythatgoesalongwillseehimandsay，Alas！
Whenourwrittenmisnottheendofaword，butisotherwiselocated，ithastobeconnectedwiththenextletter，andthatrequiresanotherpenstroke，makingsixinall，beforeyougetridofthatm。Butnevermindabouttheconnectingstrokesletthemgo。Withoutcountingthem，thetwentysixlettersofouralphabetconsumedabouteightypenstrokesfortheirconstructionaboutthreepenstrokesperletter。
ItisTHREETIMESTHENUMBERrequiredbythephonographicalphabet。ItrequiresbutONEstrokeforeachletter。
Mywritinggaitiswell，Idon’tknowwhatitis，butI
willtimemyselfandsee。Result:itistwentyfourwordsperminute。Idon’tmeancomposing;ImeanCOPYING。Thereisn’tanydefinitecomposinggait。
Verywell，mycopyinggaitis1，440wordsperhoursay1，500。IfIcouldusethephonographiccharacterwithfacilityI
coulddothe1，500intwentyminutes。Icoulddoninehours’
copyinginthreehours;Icoulddothreeyears’copyinginoneyear。Also，ifIhadatypewritingmachinewiththephonographicalphabetonitoh，themiraclesIcoulddo！
Iamnotpretendingtowritethatcharacterwell。Ihaveneverhadalesson，andIamcopyingthelettersfromthebook。
ButIcanaccomplishmydesire，atanyrate，whichis，tomakethereadergetagoodandclearideaoftheadvantageitwouldbetousifwecoulddiscardourpresentalphabetandputthisbetteroneinitsplaceusingitinbooks，newspapers，withthetypewriter，andwiththepen。
[Figure6]MANDOGHORSE。Ithinkitisgracefulandwouldlookcomelyinprint。Andconsideroncemore，Ibegwhatalaborsaveritis！Tenpenstrokeswiththeonesystemtoconveythosethreewordsabove，andthirtythreebytheother！
[Figure6]Imean，inSOMEways，notinall。IsupposeImightgosofarastosayinmostways，andbewithinthefacts，butnevermind;letitgoatSOME。OneofthewaysinwhichitexercisesthisbirthrightisasIthinkcontinuingtouseourlaughablealphabettheseseventythreeyearswhiletherewasarationaloneathand，tobehadforthetaking。
IthastakenfivehundredyearstosimplifysomeofChaucer’srottenspellingifImaybeallowedtousetofrankatermasthatanditwilltakefivehundredyearsmoretogetourexasperatingnewSimplifiedCorruptionsacceptedandrunningsmoothly。Andwesha’n’tbeanybetteroffthenthanwearenow;
forinthatdayweshallstillhavetheprivilegetheSimplifiersareexercisingnow:ANYBODYcanchangethespellingthatwantsto。
BUTYOUCAN’TCHANGETHEPHONOGRAPHICSPELLING;THEREISN’T
ANYWAY。ItwillalwaysfollowtheSOUND。Ifyouwanttochangethespelling，youhavetochangethesoundfirst。
Mind，ImyselfamaSimplifiedSpeller;Ibelongtothatunhappyguildthatispatientlyandhopefullytryingtoreformourdrunkenoldalphabetbyreducinghiswhiskey。Well，itwillimprovehim。WhentheygetthroughandhavereformedhimalltheycanbytheirsystemhewillbeonlyHALFdrunk。Abovethatconditiontheirsystemcanneverlifthim。Thereisnocompetent，andlasting，andrealreformforhimbuttotakeawayhiswhiskeyentirely，andfilluphisjugwithPitman’swholesomeandundiseasedalphabet。
OnegreatdrawbacktoSimplifiedSpellingis，thatinprintasimplifiedwordlookssoliketheverynation！andwhenyoubunchawholesquadronoftheSimplifiedtogetherthespectacleisverynearlyunendurable。
ThedamaovkoarskumwhenthepublikmabeexpektdtogetrekonsyledtothebezairasspektoftheSimplifiedKombynashuns，butifImaybeallowedtheexpressionisitworththewastedtime？[Figure7]
Toseeourlettersputtogetherinwaystowhichwearenotaccustomedoffendstheeye，andalsotakestheEXPRESSIONoutofthewords。
Laon，Makduf，anddamdbehehoofurstkryshold，enuf！
Itdoesn’tthrillyouasitusedtodo。Thesimplificationshavesuckedthethrillalloutofit。
ButawrittencharacterwithwhichweareNOTACQUAINTED
doesnotoffendusGreek，Hebrew，Russian，Arabic，andtheotherstheyhaveaninterestinglook，andweseebeautyinthem，too。Andthisistrueofhieroglyphics，aswell。Thereissomethingpleasantandengagingaboutthemathematicalsignswhenwedonotunderstandthem。Themysteryhiddeninthesethingshasafascinationforus:wecan’tcomeacrossaprintedpageofshorthandwithoutbeingimpressedbyitandwishingwecouldreadit。
Verywell，whatIamofferingforacceptanceandadoptingisnotshorthand，butlonghand，writtenwiththeSHORTHANDALPHABET
UNREACHED。Youcanwritethreetimesasmanywordsinaminutewithitasyoucanwritewithouralphabet。Andso，inaway，itISproperlyashorthand。Ithasapleasantlook，too;abeguilinglook，aninvitinglook。Iwillwritesomethinginit，inmyrudeanduntaughtway:[Figure8]
Evenwhen_I_doititcomesoutprettierthanitdoesinSimplifiedSpelling。Yes，andintheSimplifieditcostsonehundredandtwentythreepenstrokestowriteit，whereasinthephonographicitcostsonlytwentynine。
[Figure9]isprobably[Figure10]。
Letushopeso，anyway。
ISSHAKESPEAREDEAD？
（fromMyAutobiography）
ScatteredhereandtherethroughthestacksofunpublishedmanuscriptwhichconstitutethisformidableAutobiographyandDiaryofmine，certainchapterswillinsomedistantfuturebefoundwhichdealwith"Claimants"claimantshistoricallynotorious:Satan，Claimant;theGoldenCalf，Claimant;theVeiledProphetofKhorassan，Claimant;LouisXVII。，Claimant;
WilliamShakespeare，Claimant;ArthurOrton，Claimant;MaryBakerG。Eddy，Claimantandtherestofthem。EminentClaimants，successfulClaimants，defeatedClaimants，royalClaimants，plebClaimants，showyClaimants，shabbyClaimants，reveredClaimants，despisedClaimants，twinklestarlikehereandthereandyonderthroughthemistsofhistoryandlegendandtraditionand，oh，allthedarlingtribeareclothedinmysteryandromance，andwereadaboutthemwithdeepinterestanddiscussthemwithlovingsympathyorwithrancorousresentment，accordingtowhichsidewehitchourselvesto。Ithasalwaysbeensowiththehumanrace。
TherewasneveraClaimantthatcouldn’tgetahearing，noronethatcouldn’taccumulatearapturousfollowing，nomatterhowflimsyandapparentlyunauthentichisclaimmightbe。ArthurOrton’sclaimthathewasthelostTichbornebaronetcometolifeagainwasasflimsyasMrs。Eddy’sthatshewroteSCIENCEAND
HEALTHfromthedirectdictationoftheDeity;yetinEnglandnearlyfortyyearsagoOrtonhadahugearmyofdevoteesandincorrigibleadherents，manyofwhomremainedstubbornlyunconvincedaftertheirfatgodhadbeenprovenanimpostorandjailedasaperjurer，andtodayMrs。Eddy’sfollowingisnotonlyimmense，butisdailyaugmentinginnumbersandenthusiasm。
Ortonhadmanyfineandeducatedmindsamonghisadherents，Mrs。
Eddyhashadthelikeamonghersfromthebeginning。HerChurchisaswellequippedinthoseparticularsasisanyotherChurch。
Claimantscanalwayscountuponafollowing，itdoesn’tmatterwhotheyare，norwhattheyclaim，norwhethertheycomewithdocumentsorwithout。Itwasalwaysso。Downoutofthelong
vanishedpast，acrosstheabyssoftheages，ifyoulisten，youcanstillhearthebelievingmultitudesshoutingforPerkinWarbeckandLambertSimnel。
Afriendhassentmeanewbook，fromEnglandTHE
SHAKESPEAREPROBLEMRESTATEDwellrestatedandcloselyreasoned;
andmyfiftyyears’interestinthatmatterasleepforthelastthreeyearsisexcitedoncemore。ItisaninterestwhichwasbornofDeliaBacon’sbookawaybackintheancientday1857，ormaybe1856。Aboutayearlatermypilotmaster，Bixby，transferredmefromhisownsteamboattothePENNSYLVANIA，andplacedmeundertheordersandinstructionsofGeorgeEalerdeadnow，thesemany，manyyears。Isteeredforhimagoodmanymonthsaswasthehumbledutyofthepilotapprentice:stoodadaylightwatchandspunthewheelundertheseveresuperintendenceandcorrectionofthemaster。HewasaprimechessplayerandanidolaterofShakespeare。Hewouldplaychesswithanybody;evenwithme，anditcosthisofficialdignitysomethingtodothat。AlsoquiteuninvitedhewouldreadShakespearetome;notjustcasually，butbythehour，whenitwashiswatchandIwassteering。Hereadwell，butnotprofitablyforme，becauseheconstantlyinjectedcommandsintothetext。Thatbrokeitallup，mixeditallup，tangleditalluptothatdegree，infact，thatifwewereinariskyanddifficultpieceofriveranignorantpersoncouldn’thavetold，sometimes，whichobservationswereShakespeare’sandwhichwereEaler’s。Forinstance:
Whatmandare，_I_dare！
ApproachthouWHATareyoulayingintheleadsfor？whatahellofanidea！liketheruggedeaseheroffalittle，easeheroff！ruggedRussianbear，thearmedrhinocerosortheTHEREshegoes！meether，meether！didn’tyouKNOWshe’dsmellthereefifyoucrowdedinlikethat？Hyrcantiger;takeanyshipbutthatandmyfirmnervesshe’llbeintheWOODSthefirstyouknow！
stophestarboard！comeaheadstrongonthelarboard！backthestarboard！……NOWthen，you’reallright;comeaheadonthestarboard;straightenupandgo’long，nevertremble:orbealiveagain，anddaremetothedesertDAMNATIONcan’tyoukeepawayfromthatgreasywater？pullherdown！snatchher！snatchherbaldheaded！withthysword;iftremblingIinhabitthen，layintheleads！no，onlywiththestarboardone，leavetheotheralone，protestmethebabyofagirl。Hencehorribleshadow！
eightbellsthatwatchman’sasleepagain，Ireckon，godownandcallBrownyourself，unrealmockery，hence！
Hecertainlywasagoodreader，andsplendidlythrillingandstormyandtragic，butitwasadamagetome，becauseIhaveneversincebeenabletoreadShakespeareinacalmandsaneway。