第10章

InatownintheinteriorofNewYork，afewyearsago，agentlemansetforthamathematicalproblemandproposedtogiveaprizetoeverypublicschoolpupilwhoshouldfurnishthecorrectsolutionofit。Twentytwoofthebrightestboysinthepublicschoolsenteredthecontest。Theproblemwasnotaverydifficultoneforpupilsoftheirmathematicalrankandstanding，yettheyallfailedbyahairthroughonetriflingmistakeoranother。Somesearchingquestionswereasked，whenitturnedoutthattheseladswereasglibasparrotswiththe"rules，"butcouldnotreasonoutasingleruleorexplaintheprincipleunderlyingit。Theirmemorieshadbeenstocked，butnottheirunderstandings。Itwasacaseofbrickbatculture，pureandsimple。

Thereareseveralcurious"compositions"inthelittlebook，andwemustmakeroomforone。Itisfullofnaivete，brutaltruth，andunembarrasseddirectness，andisthefunniest（genuine）boy’scompositionIthinkIhaveeverseen:

ONGIRLS

Girlsareverystuckupanddignefiedintheirmanerandbehaveyour。Theythinkmoreofdressthananythingandliketoplaywithdowlsandrags。Theycryiftheyseeacowinafardistanceandareafraidofguns。TheystayathomeallthetimeandgotochurchonSunday。Theyarealwayssick。Theyareal

waysfunyandmakingfunofboy’shandsandtheysayhowdirty。

Theycantplaymarbels。Ipitythempoorthings。Theymakefunofboysandthenturnroundandlovethem。Idontbeleavetheyeverkiledacatoranything。Theylookouteveryniteandsayohantthemoonlovely。ThirisonethingIhavenottoldandthatistheyalwaysnowtheirlessonsbetternboys。

FromMr。EdwardChanning’srecentarticleinSCIENCE:

ThemarkeddifferencebetweenthebooksnowbeingproducedbyFrench，English，andAmericantravelers，ontheonehand，andGermanexplorers，ontheother，istoogreattoescapeattention。

ThatdifferenceisdueentirelytothefactthatinschoolanduniversitytheGermanistaught，inthefirstplacetosee，andinthesecondplacetounderstandwhathedoessee。

TAMINGTHEBICYCLE

IntheearlyeightiesMarkTwainlearnedtorideoneoftheoldhighwheelbicyclesofthatperiod。Hewroteanaccountofhisexperience，butdidnotofferitforpublication。Theformofbicycleherodelongagobecameantiquated，butinthehumorofhispleasantryisaqualitywhichdoesnotgrowold。

A。B。P。

I

Ithoughtthematterover，andconcludedIcoulddoit。SoIwentdownaboughtabarrelofPond’sExtractandabicycle。

TheExpertcamehomewithmetoinstructme。Wechosethebackyard，forthesakeofprivacy，andwenttowork。

Minewasnotafullgrownbicycle，butonlyacoltafiftyinch，withthepedalsshorteneduptofortyeightandskittish，likeanyothercolt。TheExpertexplainedthething’spointsbriefly，thenhegotonitsbackandrodearoundalittle，toshowmehoweasyitwastodo。Hesaidthatthedismountingwasperhapsthehardestthingtolearn，andsowewouldleavethattothelast。Buthewasinerrorthere。Hefound，tohissurpriseandjoy，thatallthatheneededtodowastogetmeontothemachineandstandoutoftheway;Icouldgetoff，myself。

AlthoughIwaswhollyinexperienced，Idismountedinthebesttimeonrecord。Hewasonthatside，shovingupthemachine;

weallcamedownwithacrash，heatthebottom，Inext，andthemachineontop。

Weexaminedthemachine，butitwasnotintheleastinjured。Thiswashardlybelievable。YettheExpertassuredmethatitwastrue;infact，theexaminationprovedit。Iwaspartlytorealize，then，howadmirablythesethingsareconstructed。WeappliedsomePond’sExtract，andresumed。TheExpertgotontheOTHERsidetoshoveupthistime，butI

dismountedonthatside;sotheresultwasasbefore。

Themachinewasnothurt。Weoiledourselvesagain，andresumed。

ThistimetheExperttookupashelteredpositionbehind，butsomehoworotherwelandedonhimagain。

Hewasfullofadmiration;saiditwasabnormal。Shewasallright，notascratchonher，notatimberstartedanywhere。

Isaiditwaswonderful，whileweweregreasingup，buthesaidthatwhenIcametoknowthesesteelspiderwebsIwouldrealizethatnothingbutdynamitecouldcripplethem。Thenhelimpedouttoposition，andweresumedoncemore。ThistimetheExperttookupthepositionofshortstop，andgotamantoshoveupbehind。

Wegotupahandsomespeed，andpresentlytraversedabrick，andIwentoutoverthetopofthetillerandlanded，headdown，ontheinstructor’sback，andsawthemachineflutteringintheairbetweenmeandthesun。Itwaswellitcamedownonus，forthatbrokethefall，anditwasnotinjured。

FivedayslaterIgotoutandwascarrieddowntothehospital，andfoundtheExpertdoingprettyfairly。InafewmoredaysIwasquitesound。Iattributethistomyprudenceinalwaysdismountingonsomethingsoft。Somerecommendafeatherbed，butIthinkanExpertisbetter。

TheExpertgotoutatlast，broughtfourassistantswithhim。Itwasagoodidea。ThesefourheldthegracefulcobwebuprightwhileIclimbedintothesaddle;thentheyformedincolumnandmarchedoneithersideofmewhiletheExpertpushedbehind;allhandsassistedatthedismount。

Thebicyclehadwhatiscalledthe"wabbles，"andhadthemverybadly。Inordertokeepmyposition，agoodmanythingswererequiredofme，andineveryinstancethethingrequiredwasagainstnature。Thatistosay，thatwhatevertheneededthingmightbe，mynature，habit，andbreedingmovedmetoattemptitinoneway，whilesomeimmutableandunsuspectedlawofphysicsrequiredthatitbedoneinjusttheotherway。Iperceivedbythishowradicallyandgrotesquelywronghadbeenthelifelongeducationofmybodyandmembers。Theyweresteepedinignorance;theyknewnothingnothingwhichitcouldprofitthemtoknow。Forinstance，ifIfoundmyselffallingtotheright，I

putthetillerharddowntheotherway，byaquitenaturalimpulse，andsoviolatedalaw，andkeptongoingdown。Thelawrequiredtheoppositethingthebigwheelmustbeturnedinthedirectioninwhichyouarefalling。Itishardtobelievethis，whenyouaretoldit。Andnotmerelyhardtobelieveit，butimpossible;itisopposedtoallyournotions。Anditisjustashardtodoit，afteryoudocometobelieveit。Believingit，andknowingbythemostconvincingproofthatitistrue，doesnothelpit:youcan’tanymoreDOitthanyoucouldbefore;youcanneitherforcenorpersuadeyourselftodoitatfirst。Theintellecthastocometothefront，now。Ithastoteachthelimbstodiscardtheiroldeducationandadoptthenew。

Thestepsofone’sprogressaredistinctlymarked。Attheendofeachlessonheknowshehasacquiredsomething，andhealsoknowswhatthatsomethingis，andlikewisethatitwillstaywithhim。ItisnotlikestudyingGerman，whereyoumullalong，inagroping，uncertainway，forthirtyyears;andatlast，justasyouthinkyou’vegotit，theyspringthesubjunctiveonyou，andthereyouare。NoandIseenow，plainlyenough，thatthegreatpityabouttheGermanlanguageis，thatyoucan’tfalloffitandhurtyourself。Thereisnothinglikethatfeaturetomakeyouattendstrictlytobusiness。ButIalsosee，bywhatIhavelearnedofbicycling，thattherightandonlysurewaytolearnGermanisbythebicyclingmethod。Thatistosay，takeagripononevillainyofitatatime，leavingthatonehalflearned。

Whenyouhavereachedthepointinbicyclingwhereyoucanbalancethemachinetolerablyfairlyandpropelitandsteerit，thencomesyournexttaskhowtomountit。Youdoitinthisway:youhopalongbehinditonyourrightfoot，restingtheotheronthemountingpeg，andgraspingthetillerwithyourhands。Attheword，youriseonthepeg，stiffenyourleftleg，hangyourotheronearoundintheairinageneralinindefiniteway，leanyourstomachagainsttherearofthesaddle，andthenfalloff，maybeononeside，maybeontheother;butyoufalloff。

Yougetupanddoitagain;andoncemore;andthenseveraltimes。

Bythistimeyouhavelearnedtokeepyourbalance;andalsotosteerwithoutwrenchingthetilleroutbytheroots（IsaytillerbecauseitISatiller;"handlebar"isalamelydescriptivephrase）。Soyousteeralong，straightahead，alittlewhile，thenyouriseforward，withasteadystrain，bringingyourrightleg，andthenyourbody，intothesaddle，catchyourbreath，fetchaviolenthitchthiswayandthenthat，anddownyougoagain。

Butyouhaveceasedtomindthegoingdownbythistime;youaregettingtolightononefootortheotherwithconsiderablecertainty。Sixmoreattemptsandsixmorefallsmakeyouperfect。Youlandinthesaddlecomfortably，nexttime，andstaytherethatis，ifyoucanbecontenttoletyourlegsdangle，andleavethepedalsaloneawhile;butifyougrabatonceforthepedals，youaregoneagain。Yousoonlearntowaitalittleandperfectyourbalancebeforereachingforthepedals;thenthemountingartisacquired，iscomplete，andalittlepracticewillmakeitsimpleandeasytoyou，thoughspectatorsoughttokeepoffarodortwotooneside，alongatfirst，ifyouhavenothingagainstthem。

Andnowyoucometothevoluntarydismount;youlearnedtheotherkindfirstofall。Itisquiteeasytotellonehowtodothevoluntarydismount;thewordsarefew，therequirementsimple，andapparentlyundifficult;letyourleftpedalgodowntillyourleftlegisnearlystraight，turnyourwheeltotheleft，andgetoffasyouwouldfromahorse。Itcertainlydoessoundexceedinglyeasy;butitisn’t。Idon’tknowwhyitisn’tbutitisn’t。Tryasyoumay，youdon’tgetdownasyouwouldfromahorse，yougetdownasyouwouldfromahouseafire。Youmakeaspectacleofyourselfeverytime。

II

DuringtheeightdaysItookadailylessonanhourandahalf。Attheendofthistwelveworkinghours’appreticeshipI

wasgraduatedintherough。Iwaspronouncedcompetenttopaddlemyownbicyclewithoutoutsidehelp。Itseemsincredible，thiscelerityofacquirement。Ittakesconsiderablylongerthanthattolearnhorsebackridingintherough。

NowitistruethatIcouldhavelearnedwithoutateacher，butitwouldhavebeenriskyforme，becauseofmynaturalclumsiness。Theselftaughtmanseldomknowsanythingaccurately，andhedoesnotknowatenthasmuchashecouldhaveknownifhehadworkedunderteachers;and，besides，hebrags，andisthemeansoffoolingotherthoughtlesspeopleintogoinganddoingashehimselfhasdone。Therearethosewhoimaginethattheunluckyaccidentsoflifelife’s"experiences"areinsomewayusefultous。IwishIcouldfindouthow。Ineverknewoneofthemtohappentwice。Theyalwayschangeoffandswaparoundandcatchyouonyourinexperiencedside。Ifpersonalexperiencecanbeworthanythingasaneducation，itwouldn’tseemlikelythatyoucouldtripMethuselah;andyetifthatoldpersoncouldcomebackhereitismorethatlikelythatoneofthefirstthingshewoulddowouldbetotakeholdofoneoftheseelectricwiresandtiehimselfallupinaknot。Nowthesurerthingandthewiserthingwouldbeforhimtoasksomebodywhetheritwasagoodthingtotakeholdof。Butthatwouldnotsuithim;hewouldbeoneoftheselftaughtkindthatgobyexperience;hewouldwanttoexamineforhimself。Andhewouldfind，forhisinstruction，thatthecoiledpatriarchshunstheelectricwire;anditwouldbeusefultohim，too，andwouldleavehiseducationinquiteacompleteandroundedoutcondition，tillheshouldcomeagain，someday，andgotobouncingadynamitecanaroundtofindoutwhatwasinit。

Butwewanderfromthepoint。However，getateacher;itsavesmuchtimeandPond’sExtract。

Beforetakingfinalleaveofme，myinstructorinquiredconcerningmyphysicalstrength，andIwasabletoinformhimthatIhadn’tany。Hesaidthatthatwasadefectwhichwouldmakeuphillwheelingprettydifficultformeatfirst;buthealsosaidthebicyclewouldsoonremoveit。Thecontrastbetweenhismusclesandminewasquitemarked。Hewantedtotestmine，soIofferedmybicepswhichwasmybest。Italmostmadehimsmile。Hesaid，"Itispulpy，andsoft，andyielding，androunded;itevadespressure，andglidesfromunderthefingers;

inthedarkabodymightthinkitwasanoysterinarag。"

Perhapsthismademelookgrieved，forheadded，briskly:"Oh，that’sallright，youneedn’tworryaboutthat;inalittlewhileyoucan’ttellitfromapetrifiedkidney。Justgorightalongwithyourpractice;you’reallright。"

Thenheleftme，andIstartedoutalonetoseekadventures。

Youdon’treallyhavetoseekthemthatisnothingbutaphrasetheycometoyou。

IchoseareposefulSabbathdaysortofabackstreetwhichwasaboutthirtyyardswidebetweenthecurbstones。Iknewitwasnotwideenough;still，IthoughtthatbykeepingstrictwatchandwastingnospaceunnecessarilyIcouldcrowdthrough。

OfcourseIhadtroublemountingthemachine，entirelyonmyownresponsibility，withnoencouragingmoralsupportfromtheoutside，nosympatheticinstructortosay，"Good！nowyou’redoingwellgoodagaindon’thurrythere，now，you’reallrightbraceup，goahead。"InplaceofthisIhadsomeothersupport。Thiswasaboy，whowasperchedonagatepostmunchingahunkofmaplesugar。

Hewasfullofinterestandcomment。ThefirsttimeI

failedandwentdownhesaidthatifhewasmehewoulddressupinpillows，that’swhathewoulddo。ThenexttimeIwentdownheadvisedmetogoandlearntorideatricyclefirst。ThethirdtimeIcollapsedhesaidhedidn’tbelieveIcouldstayonahorsecar。ButthenexttimeIsucceeded，andgotclumsilyunderwayinaweaving，tottering，uncertainfashion，andoccupyingprettymuchallofthestreet。Myslowandlumberinggaitfilledtheboytothechinwithscorn，andhesungout，"My，butdon’theripalong！"Thenhegotdownfromhispostandloafedalongthesidewalk，stillobservingandoccasionallycommenting。Presentlyhedroppedintomywakeandfollowedalongbehind。Alittlegirlpassedby，balancingawashboardonherhead，andgiggled，andseemedabouttomakearemark，buttheboysaid，rebukingly，"Lethimalone，he’sgoingtoafuneral。"

Ihavebeenfamiliarwiththatstreetforyears，andhadalwayssupposeditwasadeadlevel;butitwasnot，asthebicyclenowinformedme，tomysurprise。Thebicycle，inthehandsofanovice，isasalertandacuteasaspiritlevelinthedetectingthedelicateandvanishingshadesofdifferenceinthesematters。Itnoticesarisewhereyouruntrainedeyewouldnotobservethatoneexisted;itnoticesanydeclinewhichwaterwillrundown。Iwastoilingupaslightrise，butwasnotawareofit。Itmademetugandpantandperspire;andstill，laborasImight，themachinecamealmosttoastandstilleverylittlewhile。

Atsuchtimestheboywouldsay:"That’sit！takearest

thereain’tnohurry。Theycan’tholdthefuneralwithoutYOU。"

Stoneswereabothertome。EventhesmallestonesgavemeapanicwhenIwentoverthem。Icouldhitanykindofastone，nomatterhowsmall，ifItriedtomissit;andofcourseatfirstIcouldn’thelptryingtodothat。Itisbutnatural。

Itispartoftheassthatisputinusall，forsomeinscrutablereason。

Itwasattheendofmycourse，atlast，anditwasnecessaryformetoroundto。Thisisnotapleasantthing，whenyouundertakeitforthefirsttimeonyourownresponsibility，andneitherisitlikelytosucceed。Yourconfidenceoozesaway，youfillsteadilyupwithnamelessapprehensions，everyfiberofyouistensewithawatchfulstrain，youstartacautiousandgradualcurve，butyoursquirmynervesareallfullofelectricanxieties，sothecurveisquicklydemoralizedintoajerkyandperilouszigzag;thensuddenlythenickelcladhorsetakesthebitinitsmouthandgoesslantingforthecurbstone，defyingallprayersandallyourpowerstochangeitsmindyourheartstandsstill，yourbreathhangsfire，yourlegsforgettowork，straightonyougo，andtherearebutacoupleoffeetbetweenyouandthecurbnow。Andnowisthedesperatemoment，thelastchancetosaveyourself;ofcourseallyourinstructionsflyoutofyourhead，andyouwhirlyourwheelAWAYfromthecurbinsteadofTOWARDit，andsoyougosprawlingonthatgraniteboundinhospitableshore。Thatwasmyluck;thatwasmyexperience。I

draggedmyselfoutfromundertheindestructiblebicycleandsatdownonthecurbtoexamine。

Istartedonthereturntrip。ItwasnowthatIsawafarmer’swagonpokingalongdowntowardme，loadedwithcabbages。

IfIneededanythingtoperfecttheprecariousnessofmysteering，itwasjustthat。Thefarmerwasoccupyingthemiddleoftheroadwithhiswagon，leavingbarelyfourteenorfifteenyardsofspaceoneitherside。Icouldn’tshoutathimabeginnercan’tshout;

ifheopenshismouthheisgone;hemustkeepallhisattentiononhisbusiness。Butinthisgrislyemergency，theboycametotherescue，andforonceIhadtobegratefultohim。

Hekeptasharplookoutontheswiftlyvaryingimpulsesandinspirationsofmybicycle，andshoutedtothemanaccordingly:

"Totheleft！Turntotheleft，orthisjackass’llrunoveryou！"

Themanstartedtodoit。"No，totheright，totheright！

Holdon！THATwon’tdo！totheleft！totheright！totheLEFTright！leftriStaywhereyouARE，oryou’reagoner！"

AndjustthenIcaughttheoffhorseinthestarboardandwentdowninapile。Isaid，"Hangit！Couldn’tyouSEEIwascoming？"

"Yes，Iseeyouwascoming，butIcouldn’ttellwhichWAYyouwascoming。Nobodycouldnow，COULDthey？Youcouldn’tyourselfnow，COULDyou？Sowhatcould_I_do？

Therewassomethinginthat，andsoIhadthemagnanimitytosayso。IsaidIwasnodoubtasmuchtoblameashewas。

WithinthenextfivedaysIachievedsomuchprogressthattheboycouldn’tkeepupwithme。Hehadtogobacktohisgate

post，andcontenthimselfwithwatchingmefallatlongrange。

Therewasarowoflowsteppingstonesacrossoneendofthestreet，ameasuredyardapart。EvenafterIgotsoIcouldsteerprettyfairlyIwassoafraidofthosestonesthatIalwayshitthem。TheygavemetheworstfallsIevergotinthatstreet，exceptthosewhichIgotfromdogs。Ihaveseenitstatedthatnoexpertisquickenoughtorunoveradog;thatadogisalwaysabletoskipoutofhisway。Ithinkthatthatmaybetrue:butIthinkthatthereasonhecouldn’trunoverthedogwasbecausehewastryingto。Ididnottrytorunoveranydog。ButIranovereverydogthatcamealong。Ithinkitmakesagreatdealofdifference。Ifyoutrytorunoverthedogheknowshowtocalculate，butifyouaretryingtomisshimhedoesnotknowhowtocalculate，andisliabletojumpthewrongwayeverytime。Itwasalwayssoinmyexperience。EvenwhenIcouldnothitawagonIcouldhitadogthatcametoseemepractice。Theyalllikedtoseemepractice，andtheyallcame，fortherewasverylittlegoingoninourneighborhoodtoentertainadog。Ittooktimetolearntomissadog，butIachievedeventhat。

IcansteeraswellasIwantto，now，andIwillcatchthatboyoneofthesedaysandrunoverHIMifhedoesn’treform。

Getabicycle。Youwillnotregretit，ifyoulive。

THEBEE

ItwasMaeterlinckwhointroducedmetothebee。Imean，inthepsychicalandinthepoeticalway。Ihadhadabusinessintroductionearlier。ItwaswhenIwasaboy。ItisstrangethatIshouldrememberaformalitylikethatsolong;itmustbenearlysixtyyears。

Beescientistsalwaysspeakofthebeeasshe。Itisbecausealltheimportantbeesareofthatsex。Inthehivethereisonemarriedbee，calledthequeen;shehasfiftythousandchildren;ofthese，aboutonehundredaresons;therestaredaughters。Someofthedaughtersareyoungmaids，someareoldmaids，andallarevirginsandremainso。

Everyspringthequeencomesoutofthehiveandfliesawaywithoneofhersonsandmarrieshim。Thehoneymoonlastsonlyanhourortwo;thenthequeendivorcesherhusbandandreturnshomecompetenttolaytwomillioneggs。Thiswillbeenoughtolasttheyear，butnotmorethanenough，becausehundredsofbeesaredrownedeveryday，andotherhundredsareeatenbybirds，anditisthequeen’sbusinesstokeepthepopulationuptostandardsay，fiftythousand。Shemustalwayshavethatmanychildrenonhandandefficientduringthebusyseason，whichissummer，orwinterwouldcatchthecommunityshortoffood。Shelaysfromtwothousandtothreethousandeggsaday，accordingtothedemand;andshemustexercisejudgment，andnotlaymorethanareneededinaslimflowerharvest，norfewerthanarerequiredinaprodigalone，ortheboardofdirectorswilldethroneherandelectaqueenthathasmoresense。

Therearealwaysafewroyalheirsinstockandreadytotakeherplacereadyandmorethananxioustodoit，althoughsheistheirownmother。Thesegirlsarekeptbythemselves，andareregallyfedandtendedfrombirth。Nootherbeesgetsuchfinefoodastheyget，orlivesuchahighandluxuriouslife。

Byconsequencetheyarelargerandlongerandsleekerthantheirworkingsisters。Andtheyhaveacurvedsting，shapedlikeascimitar，whiletheothershaveastraightone。

Acommonbeewillstinganyoneoranybody，butaroyaltystingsroyaltiesonly。Acommonbeewillstingandkillanothercommonbee，forcause，butwhenitisnecessarytokillthequeenotherwaysareemployed。Whenaqueenhasgrownoldandslackanddoesnotlayeggsenoughoneofherroyaldaughtersisallowedtocometoattackher，therestofthebeeslookingonattheduelandseeingfairplay。Itisaduelwiththecurvedstings。Ifoneofthefightersgetshardpressedandgivesitupandruns，sheisbroughtbackandmusttryagainonce，maybetwice;then，ifsherunsyetoncemoreforherlife，judicialdeathisherportion;herchildrenpackthemselvesintoaballaroundherpersonandholdherinthatcompactgriptwoorthreedays，untilshestarvestodeathorissuffocated。Meantimethevictorbeeisreceivingroyalhonorsandperformingtheoneroyalfunctionlayingeggs。

Asregardstheethicsofthejudicialassassinationofthequeen，thatisamatterofpolitics，andwillbediscussedlater，initsproperplace。

DuringsubstantiallythewholeofhershortlifeoffiveorsixyearsthequeenlivesinEgyptiandarknessandstatelyseclusionoftheroyalapartments，withnoneaboutherbutplebeianservants，whogiveheremptylipaffectioninplaceofthelovewhichherhearthungersfor;whospyuponherintheinterestofherwaitingheirs，andreportandexaggerateherdefectsanddeficienciestothem;whofawnuponherandflatterhertoherfaceandslanderherbehindherback;whogrovelbeforeherinthedayofherpowerandforsakeherinherageandweakness。Thereshesits，friendless，uponherthronethroughthelongnightofherlife，cutofffromtheconsolingsympathiesandsweetcompanionshipandlovingendearmentswhichshecraves，bythegildedbarriersofherawfulrank;aforlornexileinherownhouseandhome，wearyobjectofformalceremoniesandmachinemadeworship，wingedchildofthesun，nativetothefreeairandtheblueskiesandthefloweryfields，doomedbythesplendidaccidentofherbirthtotradethispricelessheritageforablackcaptivity，atinselgrandeur，andalovelesslife，withshameandinsultattheendandacrueldeathandcondemnedbythehumaninstinctinhertoholdthebargainvaluable！

Huber，Lubbock，Maeterlinckinfact，allthegreatauthoritiesareagreedindenyingthatthebeeisamemberofthehumanfamily。Idonotknowwhytheyhavedonethis，butI

thinkitisfromdishonestmotives。Why，theinnumerablefactsbroughttolightbytheirownpainstakingandexhaustiveexperimentsprovethatifthereisamasterfoolintheworld，itisthebee。Thatseemstosettleit。

Butthatisthewayofthescientist。Hewillspendthirtyyearsinbuildingupamountainrangeoffactswiththeintenttoproveacertaintheory;thenheissohappyinhisachievementthatasaruleheoverlooksthemainchieffactofallthathisaccumulationprovesanentirelydifferentthing。Whenyoupointoutthismiscarriagetohimhedoesnotansweryourletters;whenyoucalltoconvincehim，theservantprevaricatesandyoudonotgetin。Scientistshaveodiousmanners，exceptwhenyoupropuptheirtheory;thenyoucanborrowmoneyofthem。

Tobestrictlyfair，Iwillconcedethatnowandthenoneofthemwillansweryourletter，butwhentheydotheyavoidtheissueyoucannotpinthemdown。WhenIdiscoveredthatthebeewashumanIwroteaboutittoallthosescientistswhomIhavejustmentioned。Forevasions，IhaveseennothingtoequaltheanswersIgot。

Afterthequeen，thepersonagenextinimportanceinthehiveisthevirgin。Thevirginsarefiftythousandoronehundredthousandinnumber，andtheyaretheworkers，thelaborers。Noworkisdone，inthehiveoroutofit，savebythem。Themalesdonotwork，thequeendoesnowork，unlesslayingeggsiswork，butitdoesnotseemsotome。Thereareonlytwomillionofthem，anyway，andalloffivemonthstofinishthecontractin。ThedistributionofworkinahiveisascleverlyandelaboratelyspecializedasitisinavastAmericanmachineshoporfactory。Abeethathasbeentrainedtooneofthemanyandvariousindustriesoftheconcerndoesn’tknowhowtoexerciseanyother，andwouldbeoffendedifaskedtotakeahandinanythingoutsideofherprofession。Sheisashumanasacook;andifyoushouldaskthecooktowaitonthetable，youknowwhatwillhappen。Cookswillplaythepianoifyoulike，buttheydrawthelinethere。InmytimeIhaveaskedacooktochopwood，andIknowaboutthesethings。Eventhehiredgirlhasherfrontiers;true，theyarevague，theyareilldefined，evenflexible，buttheyarethere。Thisisnotconjecture;itisfoundedontheabsolute。Andthenthebutler。Youaskthebutlertowashthedog。ItisjustasIsay;thereismuchtobelearnedintheseways，withoutgoingtobooks。Booksareverywell，butbooksdonotcoverthewholedomainofesthetichumanculture。

Prideofprofessionisoneoftheboniestbonesinexistence，ifnottheboniest。Withoutdoubtitissointhehive。

CONCERNINGTOBACCO

Asconcernstobacco，therearemanysuperstitions。AndthechiefestisthisthatthereisaSTANDARDgoverningthematter，whereasthereisnothingofthekind。Eachman’sownpreferenceistheonlystandardforhim，theonlyonewhichhecanaccept，theonlyonewhichcancommandhim。Acongressofallthetobaccoloversintheworldcouldnotelectastandardwhichwouldbebindinguponyouorme，orwouldevenmuchinfluenceus。

Thenextsuperstitionisthatamanhasastandardofhisown。

Hehasn’t。Hethinkshehas，buthehasn’t。Hethinkshecantellwhatheregardsasagoodcigarfromwhatheregardsasabadonebuthecan’t。Hegoesbythebrand，yetimagineshegoesbytheflavor。Onemaypalmofftheworstcounterfeituponhim;

ifitbearshisbrandhewillsmokeitcontentedlyandneversuspect。

Childrenoftwentyfive，whohavesevenyearsexperience，trytotellmewhatisagoodcigarandwhatisn’t。

Me，whoneverlearnedtosmoke，butalwayssmoked;

me，whocameintotheworldaskingforalight。

Noonecantellmewhatisagoodcigarforme。Iamtheonlyjudge。PeoplewhoclaimtoknowsaythatIsmoketheworstcigarsintheworld。Theybringtheirowncigarswhentheycometomyhouse。TheybetrayanunmanlyterrorwhenIofferthemacigar;theytellliesandhurryawaytomeetengagementswhichtheyhavenotmadewhentheyarethreatenedwiththehospitalitiesofmybox。Nowthen，observewhatsuperstition，assistedbyaman’sreputation，cando。Iwastohavetwelvepersonalfriendstosupperonenight。OneofthemwasasnotoriousforcostlyandelegantcigarsasIwasforcheapanddevilishones。Icalledathishouseandwhennoonewaslookingborrowedadoublehandfulofhisverychoicest;cigarswhichcosthimfortycentsapieceandboreredandgoldlabelsinsignoftheirnobility。Iremovedthelabelsandputthecigarsintoaboxwithmyfavoritebrandonitabrandwhichthosepeopleallknew，andwhichcowedthemasmenarecowedbyanepidemic。Theytookthesecigarswhenofferedattheendofthesupper，andlitthemandsternlystruggledwiththemindrearysilence，forhilaritydiedwhenthefellbrandcameintoviewandstartedaroundbuttheirfortitudeheldforashorttimeonly;thentheymadeexcusesandfiledout，treadingononeanother’sheelswithindecenteagerness;andinthemorningwhenIwentouttoobserveresultsthecigarslayallbetweenthefrontdoorandthegate。

AllexceptonethatonelayintheplateofthemanfromwhomI

hadcabbagedthelot。Oneortwowhiffswasallhecouldstand。

HetoldmeafterwardthatsomedayIwouldgetshotforgivingpeoplethatkindofcigarstosmoke。

AmIcertainofmyownstandard？Perfectly;yes，absolutelyunlesssomebodyfoolsmebyputtingmybrandonsomeotherkindofcigar;fornodoubtIamliketherest，andknowmycigarbythebrandinsteadofbytheflavor。However，mystandardisaprettywideoneandcoversagooddealofterritory。Tome，almostanycigarisgoodthatnobodyelsewillsmoke，andtomealmostallcigarsarebadthatotherpeopleconsidergood。

Nearlyanycigarwilldome，exceptaHavana。PeoplethinktheyhurtmyfeelingswhenthencometomyhousewiththeirlifepreserversonImean，withtheirowncigarsintheirpockets。

Itisanerror;Itakecareofmyselfinasimilarway。WhenI

gointodangerthatis，intorichpeople’shouses，where，inthenatureofthings，theywillhavehightariffcigars，redandgiltgirdedandnestedinarosewoodboxalongwithadampsponge，cigarswhichdevelopadismalblackashandburndownthesideandsmell，andwillgrowhottothefingers，andwillgoongrowinghotterandhotter，andgoonsmellingmoreandmoreinfamouslyandunendurablythedeeperthefiretunnelsdowninsidebelowthethimblefulofhonesttobaccothatisinthefrontend，thefurnisherofitpraisingitallthetimeandtellingyouhowmuchthedeadlythingcostyes，whenIgointothatsortofperilIcarrymyowndefensealong;IcarrymyownbrandtwentysevencentsabarrelandIlivetoseemyfamilyagain。Imayseemtolighthisredgarteredcigar，butthatisonlyforcourtesy’ssake;Ismuggleitintomypocketforthepoor，ofwhomIknowmany，andlightoneofmyown;andwhilehepraisesitIjoinin，butwhenhesaysitcostfortyfivecentsI

saynothing，forIknowbetter。

However，tosaytrue，mytastesaresocatholicthatIhaveneverseenanycigarsthatIreallycouldnotsmoke，exceptthosethatcostadollarapiece。Ihaveexaminedthoseandknowthattheyaremadeofdoghair，andnotgooddoghairatthat。

IhaveathoroughlysatisfactorytimeinEurope，forallovertheContinentonefindscigarswhichnoteventhemosthardenednewsboysinNewYorkwouldsmoke。Ibroughtcigarswithme，thelasttime;Iwillnotdothatanymore。InItaly，asinFrance，theGovernmentistheonlycigarpeddler。Italyhasthreeorfourdomesticbrands:theMinghetti，theTrabuco，theVirginia，andaverycoarseonewhichisamodificationoftheVirginia。TheMinghettisarelargeandcomely，andcostthreedollarsandsixtycentsahundred;Icansmokeahundredinsevendaysandenjoyeveryoneofthem。TheTrabucossuitme，too;I

don’tremembertheprice。ButonehastolearntoliketheVirginia，nobodyisbornfriendlytoit。Itlookslikearat

tailfile，butsmokesbetter，somethink。Ithasastrawthroughit;youpullthisout，anditleavesaflue，otherwisetherewouldbenodraught，notevenasmuchasthereistoanail。

Somepreferanailatfirst。However，IlikealltheFrench，Swiss，German，andItaliandomesticcigars，andhavenevercaredtoinquirewhattheyaremadeof;andnobodywouldknow，anyhow，perhaps。ThereisevenabrandofEuropeansmokingtobaccothatIlike。ItisabrandusedbytheItalianpeasants。Itislooseanddryandblack，andlooksliketeagrounds。Whenthefireisapplieditexpands，andclimbsupandtowersabovethepipe，andpresentlytumblesoffinsideofone’svest。Thetobaccoitselfischeap，butitraisestheinsurance。ItisasIremarkedinthebeginningthetastefortobaccoisamatterofsuperstition。