第9章

"No，mydear，itwasnotso。"

"MyauntPollysaiditwasaknife。"

"Why，AuntPolly’sknifeMAYDO，butitwasaDAGGER，mydear。"

Hethenaskedherthemeaningof"baneandantidote，"whichshewasunabletogive。Mrs。Gastrelsaid:

"Youcannotexpectsoyoungachildtoknowthemeaningofsuchwords。"

Hethensaid:

"Mydear，howmanypencearethereinSIXPENCE？"

"Icannottell，sir，"wasthehalfterrifiedreply。

Onthis，addressinghimselftoMrs。Gastrel，hesaid:

"Now，mydearlady，cananythingbemoreridiculousthantoteachachildCato’sSoliloquy，whodoesnotknowhowmanypencethereareinasixpence？"

InalecturebeforetheRoyalGeographicalSocietyProfessorRavensteinquotedthefollowinglistoffranticquestions，andsaidthattheyhadbeenaskedinanexamination:

MentionallnamesofplacesintheworldderivedfromJuliusCaesarorAugustusCaesar。

Wherearethefollowingrivers:Pisuerga，Sakaria，Guadalete，Jalon，Mulde？

Allyouknowofthefollowing:Machacha，Pilmo，Schebulos，Crivoscia，Basces，Mancikert，Taxhem，Citeaux，Meloria，Zutphen。

ThehighestpeaksoftheKarakorumrange。

ThenumberofuniversitiesinPrussia。

Whyarethetopsofmountainscontinuallycoveredwithsnow[sic]？

NamethelengthandbreadthofthestreamsoflavawhichissuedfromtheSkaptarJokulintheeruptionof1783。

Thatlistwouldoversizenearlyanybody’sgeographicalknowledge。Isn’titreasonablypossiblethatinourschoolsmanyofthequestionsinallstudiesareseveralmilesaheadofwherethepupilis？thatheissettostrugglewiththingsthatareludicrouslybeyondhispresentreach，hopelesslybeyondhispresentstrength？Thisremarkinpassing，andbywayoftext;

nowIcometowhatIwasgoingtosay。

Ihavejustnowfallenuponadarlingliterarycuriosity。

Itisalittlebook，amanuscriptcompilation，andthecompilersentittomewiththerequestthatIsaywhetherIthinkitoughttobepublishedornot。Isaid，Yes;butasIslowlygrowwiseIbrisklygrowcautious;andso，nowthatthepublicationisimminent，ithasseemedtomethatIshouldfeelmorecomfortableifIcoulddivideupthisresponsibilitywiththepublicbyaddingthemtothecourt。ThereforeIwillprintsomeextractsfromthebook，inthehopethattheymaymakeconvertstomyjudgmentthatthevolumehasmeritwhichentitlesittopublication。

Astoitscharacter。Everyonehassampled"EnglishasSheisSpoke"and"EnglishasSheisWrote";thislittlevolumefurnishesusaninstructivearrayofexamplesof"EnglishasSheisTaught"inthepublicschoolsofwell，thiscountry。Thecollectionismadebyateacherinthoseschools，andalltheexamplesinitaregenuine;noneofthemhavebeentamperedwith，ordoctoredinanyway。Fromtimetotime，duringseveralyears，wheneverapupilhasdeliveredhimselfofanythingpeculiarlyquaintortoothsomeinthecourseofhisrecitations，thisteacherandherassociateshaveprivatelysetthatthingdowninamemorandumbook;strictlyfollowingtheoriginal，astogrammar，construction，spelling，andall;andtheresultisthisliterarycuriosity。

Thecontentsofthebookconsistmainlyofanswersgivenbytheboysandgirlstoquestions，saidanswersbeinggivensometimesverbally，sometimesinwriting。Thesubjectstoucheduponarefifteeninnumber:I。Etymology;II。Grammar;III。

Mathematics;IV。Geography;V。"Original";VI。Analysis;VII。

History;VIII。"Intellectual";IX。Philosophy;X。Physiology;XI。

Astronomy;XII。Politics;XIII。Music;XIV。Oratory;XV。

Metaphysics。

Youperceivethatthepoorlittleyoungideahastakenashotatagoodmanykindsofgameinthecourseofthebook。Nowastoresults。Herearesomequaintdefinitionsofwords。Itwillbenoticedthatinalloftheseinstancesthesoundoftheword，orthelookofitonpaper，hasmisledthechild:

ABORIGINES，asystemofmountains。

ALIAS，agoodmanintheBible。

AMENABLE，anythingthatismean。

AMMONIA，thefoodofthegods。

ASSIDUITY，stateofbeinganacid。

AURIFEROUS，pertainingtoanorifice。

CAPILLARY，alittlecaterpillar。

CORNIFEROUS，rocksinwhichfossilcornisfound。

EMOLUMENT，aheadstonetoagrave。

EQUESTRIAN，onewhoasksquestions。

EUCHARIST，onewhoplayseuchre。

FRANCHISE，anythingbelongingtotheFrench。

IDOLATER，averyidleperson。

IPECAC，amanwholikesagooddinner。

IRRIGATE，tomakefunof。

MENDACIOUS，whatcanbemended。

MERCENARY，onewhofeelsforanother。

PARASITE，akindofumbrella。

PARASITE，themurderofaninfant。

PUBLICAN，amanwhodoeshisprayersinpublic。

TENACIOUS，tenacresofland。

Hereisonewherethephrase"publicansandsinners"hasgotmixedupinthechild’smindwithpolitics，andtheresultisadefinitionwhichtakesoneinasuddenandunexpectedway:

REPUBLICAN，asinnermentionedintheBible。

AlsoinDemocraticnewspapersnowandthen。Herearetwowherethemistakehasresultedfromsoundassistedbyremotefact:

PLAGIARIST，awriterofplays。

DEMAGOGUE，avesselcontainingbeerandotherliquids。

Icannotquitemakeoutwhatitwasthatmisledthepupilinthefollowinginstances;itwouldnotseemtohavebeenthesoundoftheword，northelookofitinprint:

ASPHYXIA，agrumbling，fussytemper。

QUARTERNIONS，abirdwithaflatbeakandnobill，livinginNewZealand。

QUARTERNIONS，thenamegiventoastyleofartpracticedbythePhoenicians。

QUARTERNIONS，areligiousconventionheldeveryhundredyears。

SIBILANT，thestateofbeingidiotic。

CROSIER，astaffcarriedbytheDeity。

Inthefollowingsentencesthepupil’searhasbeendeceivinghimagain:

Themarriagewasillegible。

Hewastotallydismastedwiththewholeperformance。

Heenjoysridingonaphilosopher。

Shewasveryquickatrepertoire。

Heprayedforthewaterstosubsidize。

Theleopardiswatchinghissheep。

Theyhadastrawberryvestibule。

Hereisonewhichwell，now，howoftenwedoslamrightintothetruthwithouteversuspectingit:

ThemenemployedbytheGasCompanygoaroundandspeculatethemeter。

Indeedtheydo，dear;andwhenyougrowup，manyandmany’sthetimeyouwillnoticeitinthegasbill。Inthefollowingsentencesthelittlepeoplehavesomeinformationtoconvey，everytime;butinmycasetheyfailtoconnect:thelightalwayswentoutonthekeystoneword:

Thecoercionofsomethingsisremarkable;asbreadandmolasses。

Herhatiscontiguousbecauseshewearsitononeside。

Hepreachedtoanegregiouscongregation。

Thecaptaineliminatedabulletthroughtheman’sheart。

Youshouldtakecautionandbeprecarious。

Thesuperciliousgirlactedwithvicissitudewhentheperennialtimecame。

Thelastisacuriouslyplausiblesentence;oneseemstoknowwhatitmeans，andyetheknowsallthetimethathedoesn’t。Hereisanodd（butentirelyproper）useofaword，andamostsuddendescentfromaloftyphilosophicalaltitudetoaverypracticalandhomelyillustration:

Weshouldendeavortoavoidextremeslikethoseofwaspsandbees。

Andherewith"zoological"and"geological"inhismind，butnotreadytohistonguethesmallscholarhasinnocentlygoneandletoutacoupleofsecretswhichoughtnevertohavebeendivulgedinanycircumstances:

Thereareagoodmanydonkeysintheologicalgardens。

Someofthebestfossilsarefoundintheologicalgardens。

Undertheheadof"Grammar"thelittlescholarsfurnishthefollowinginformation:

Genderisthedistinguishingnounswithoutregardtosex。

Averbissomethingtoeat。

Adverbsshouldalwaysbeusedasadjectivesandadjectivesasadverbs。

EverysentenceandnameofGodmustbeginwithacaterpillar。

"Caterpillar"iswellenough，butcapitalletterwouldhavebeenstricter。Thefollowingisabraveattemptatasolution，butitfailedtoliquify:

Whentheyaregoingtosaysomeproseorpoetrybeforetheysaythepoetryorprosetheymustputasemicolonjustaftertheintroductionoftheproseorpoetry。

Thechapteron"Mathematics"isfulloffruit。FromitI

takeafewsamplesmainlyinanunripestate:

Astraightlineisanydistancebetweentwoplaces。

Parallellinesarelinesthatcannevermeetuntiltheyruntogether。

Acircleisaroundstraightlinewithaholeinthemiddle。

Thingswhichareequaltoeachotherareequaltoanythingelse。

Tofindthenumberofsquarefeetinaroomyoumultiplytheroombythenumberofthefeet。Theproductistheresult。

Rightyouare。Inthematterofgeographythislittlebookisunspeakablyrich。Thequestionsdonotappeartohaveappliedthemicroscopetothesubject，asdidthosequotedbyProfessorRavenstein;still，theyprovedplentydifficultenoughwithoutthat。Thesepupilsdidnothuntwithamicroscope，theyhuntedwithashotgun;thisisshownbythecrippledconditionofthegametheybroughtin:

AmericaisdividedintothePassifficslopeandtheMississippivaley。

NorthAmericaisseparatedbySpain。

Americaconsistsfromnorthtosouthaboutfivehundredmiles。

TheUnitedStatesisquiteasmallcountrycomparedwithsomeothercountrys，butitaboutasindustrious。

ThecapitaloftheUnitedStatesisLongIsland。

ThefiveseaportsoftheU。S。areNewfunlanandSanfrancisco。

TheprincipalproductsoftheU。S。isearthquakesandvolcanoes。

TheAlaginniesaremountainsinPhiladelphia。

TheRockyMountainsareonthewesternsideofPhiladelphia。

CapeHaterasisavastbodyofwatersurroundedbylandandflowingintotheGulfofMexico。

MasonandDixon’slineistheEquator。

OneoftheleadingindustriesoftheUnitedStatesismollasses，bookcovers，numbers，gas，teaching，lumber，manufacturers，papermaking，publishers，coal。

InAustriatheprincipaloccupationisgatheringAustrichfeathers。

Gibraltarisanislandbuiltonarock。

Russiaisverycoldandtyrannical。

SicilyisoneoftheSandwichIslands。

HindoostanflowsthroughtheGangesandemptiesintotheMediterraneanSea。

IrelandiscalledtheEmigrantIslebecauseitissobeautifulandgreen。

ThewidthofthedifferentzonesEuropeliesindependuponthesurroundingcountry。

Theimportsofacountryarethethingsthatarepaidfor，theexportsarethethingsthatarenot。

Climatelastsallthetimeandweatheronlyafewdays。

ThetwomostfamousvolcanoesofEuropeareSodomandGomorrah。

Thechapterheaded"Analysis"showsusthatthepupilsinourpublicschoolsarenotmerelyloadedupwiththoseshowyfactsaboutgeography，mathematics，andsoon，andleftinthatincompletestate;no，there’smachineryforclarifyingandexpandingtheirminds。Theyarerequiredtotakepoemsandanalyzethem，digouttheircommonsense，reducethemtostatistics，andreproducetheminaluminousprosetranslationwhichshalltellyouataglancewhatthepoetwastryingtogetat。Onesamplewilldo。Hereisastanzafrom"TheLadyoftheLake，"followedbythepupil’simpressiveexplanationofit:

Alone，butwithunbatedzeal，Thehorsemanpliedwithscourgeandsteel;

Forjadednowandspentwithtoil，Embossedwithfoamanddarkwithsoil，Whileeverygaspwithsobshedrew，Thelaboringstagstrainedfullinview。

Themanwhorodeonthehorseperformedthewhipandaninstrumentmadeofsteelalonewithstrongardornotdiminishing，for，beingtiredfromthetimepassedwithhardlaboroverworkedwithangerandignorantwithweariness，whileeverybreathforlaborhedrewwithcriesfullorsorrow，theyoungdeermadeimperfectwhoworkedhardfilteredinsight。

Isee，now，thatIneverunderstoodthatpoembefore。I

havehadglimpsesofitsmeaning，itmomentswhenIwasnotasignorantwithwearinessasusual，butthisisthefirsttimethewholespaciousideaofiteverfilteredinsight。IfIwereapublicschoolpupilIwouldputthoseotherstudiesasideandsticktoanalysis;for，afterall，itisthethingtospreadyourmind。

Wecomenowtohistoricalmatters，historicalremains，onemightsay。AsoneturnsthepagesheisimpressedwiththedepthtowhichonedatehasbeendrivenintotheAmericanchild’shead1492。Thedateisthere，anditistheretostay。Anditisalwaysathand，alwaysdeliverableatamoment’snotice。ButtheFactthatbelongswithit？Thatisquiteanothermatter。Onlythedateitselfisfamiliarandsure:itsvastFacthasfailedoflodgment。Itwouldappearthatwheneveryouaskapublic

schoolpupilwhenathinganything，nomatterwhathappened，andheisindoubt，healwaysripsouthis1492。Heappliesittoeverything，fromthelandingofthearktotheintroductionofthehorsecar。Well，afterall，itisourfirstdate，andsoitisrightenoughtohonorit，andpaythepublicschoolstoteachourchildrentohonorit:

GeorgeWashingtonwasbornin1492。

WashingtonwrotetheDeclarationofIndependencein1492。

St。Bartholemewwasmassacredin1492。

TheBrittainsweretheSaxonswhoenteredEnglandin1492

underJuliusCaesar。

Theearthis1492milesincircumference。

Toproceedwith"History"

ChristopherColumbuswascalledtheFatherofhisCountry。

QueenIsabellaofSpainsoldherwatchandchainandothermillinerysothatColumbuscoulddiscoverAmerica。

TheIndianwarswereverydesecratingtothecountry。

TheIndianspursuedtheirwarfarebyhidinginthebushesandthenscalpingthem。

CaptainJohnSmithhasbeenstyledthefatherofhiscountry。

HislifewassavedbyhisdaughterPochahantas。

ThePuritansfoundaninsaneasyluminthewildsofAmerica。

TheStampActwastomakeeverybodystampallmaterialssotheyshouldbenullandvoid。

WashingtondiedinSpainalmostbrokenhearted。HisremainsweretakentothecathedralinHavana。

Gorillawarfarewaswheremenrodeongorillas。

JohnBrownwasaverygoodinsanemanwhotriedtogetfugitivesslavesintoVirginia。Hecapturedalltheinhabitants，butwasfinallyconqueredandcondemnedtohisdeath。Theconfederasywasformedbythefugitiveslaves。

AlfredtheGreatreigned872years。Hewasdistinguishedforlettingsomebuckwheatcakesburn，andtheladyscoldedhim。

HenryEightwasfamousforbeingagreatwidowerhaveinglostseveralwives。

LadyJaneGreystudiedGreekandLatinandwasbeheadedafterafewdays。

JohnBrightisnotedforanincurabledisease。

LordJamesGordonBennetinstigatedtheGordonRiots。

TheMiddleAgescomeinbetweenantiquityandposterity。

LutherintroducedChristianityintoEnglandagoodmanythousandyearsago。HisbirthdaywasNovember1883。HewasonceaPope。HelivedatthetimeoftheRebellionofWorms。

JuliusCaesarisnotedforhisfamoustelegramdispatchI

cameIsawIconquered。

JuliusCaesarwasreallyaverygreatman。HewasaverygreatsoldierandwroteabookforbeginnersintheLatin。

Cleopatrawascausedbythedeathofanaspwhichshedissolvedinawinecup。

TheonlyformofgovernmentinGreecewasalimitedmonkey。

ThePersianwarlastedabout500years。

Greecehadonly7wisemen。

Socrates……destroyedsomestatuesandhadtodrinkShamrock。

Hereisafactcorrectlystated;andyetitisphrasedwithsuchingeniousinfelicitythatitcanbedependedupontoconveymisinformationeverytimeitisuncarefullyunread:

BytheSaliclawnowomanordescendantofawomancouldoccupythethrone。

Toshowhowfarachildcantravelinhistorywithjudiciousanddiligentboostinginthepublicschool，weselectthefollowingmosaic:

AbrahamLincolnwasborninWalesin1599。

Inthechapterheaded"Intellectual"Ifindagreatnumberofmostinterestingstatements。Asampleortwomaybefoundnotamiss:

BracebridgeHallwaswrittenbyHenryIrving。

ShowBoundwaswrittenbyPeterCooper。

TheHouseoftheSevenGableswaswrittenbyLordBryant。

EdgarA。Poewasaverycurdlingwriter。

CottonMatherwasawriterwhoinventedthecottenginandwrotehistories。

BeowulfwrotetheScriptures。

BenJohnsonsurvivedShakspeareinsomerespects。

IntheCanterburyTaleitgivesaccountofKingAlfredonhiswaytotheshrineofThomasBucket。

ChaucerwasthefatherofEnglishpottery。

Chaucerwasablandversewriterofthethirdcentury。

ChaucerwassucceededbyH。Wads。LongfellowanAmericanWriter。Hiswritingswerechieflyproseandnearlyonehundredyearselapsed。

ShaksperetranslatedtheScripturesanditwascalledSt。

Jamesbecausehedidit。

InthemiddleofthechapterIfindmanypagesofinformationconcerningShakespeare’splays，Milton’sworks，andthoseofBacon，Addison，SamuelJohnson，Fielding，Richardson，Sterne，Smollett，DeFoe，Locke，Pope，Swift，Goldsmith，Burns，Cowper，Wordsworth，Gibbon，Byron，Coleridge，Hood，Scott，Macaulay，GeorgeEliot，Dickens，Bulwer，Thackeray，Browning，Mrs。Browning，Tennyson，andDisraeliafactwhichshowsthatintotherestrictedstomachofthepublicschoolpupilisshoveledeveryyeartheblood，bone，andvisceraofagiganticliterature，andthesameistheredigestedanddisposedofinamostsuccessfulandcharacteristicandgratifyingpublicschoolway。Ihavespaceforbutatriflingfewoftheresults:

LordByronwasthesonofanheiressandadrunkenman。

Wm。WordsworthwrotetheBarefootBoyandImitationsonImmortality。

GibbonwroteahistoryofhistravelsinItaly。Thiswasoriginal。

GeorgeEliotleftawifeandchildrenwhomournedgreatlyforhisgenius。

GeorgeEliotMissMaryEvansMrs。CrossMrs。LewiswasthegreatestfemalepoetunlessGeorgeSandsismadeanexceptionof。

Bulwellisconsideredagoodwriter。

SirWalterScottCharlesBronteAlfredtheGreatandJohnsonwerethefirstgreatnovelists。

ThomasBabingtonMakorlaygraduatedatHarvardandthenstudiedlaw，hewasraisedtothepeerageasbaronin1557anddiedin1776。

Herearetwoorthreemiscellaneousfactsthatmaybeofvalue，iftakeninmoderation:

Homer’swritingsareHomer’sEssaysVirgiltheAenidandParadiselostsomepeoplesaythatthesepoemswerenotwrittenbyHomerbutbyanothermanofthesamename。

AsortofsadnesskindofshoneinBryant’spoems。

Holmesisaveryprofligateandamusingwriter。

WhenthepublicschoolpupilwrestleswiththepoliticalfeaturesoftheGreatRepublic，theythrowhimsometimes:

AbillbecomesalawwhenthePresidentvetoesit。

ThethreedepartmentsofthegovernmentisthePresidentrulestheworld，thegovernorrulestheState，themayorrulesthecity。

ThefirstconscientiousCongressmetinPhiladelphia。

TheConstitutionoftheUnitedStateswasestablishedtoensuredomestichostility。

Truthcrushedtoearthwillriseagain。Asfollows:

TheConstitutionoftheUnitedStatesisthatpartofthebookattheendwhichnobodyreads。

Andheresherisesoncemoreanduntimely。Thereshouldbealimittopublicschoolinstruction;itcannotbewiseorwelltolettheyoungfindouteverything:

Congressisdividedintocivilizedhalfcivilizedandsavage。

Herearesomeresultsofstudyinmusicandoratory:

Anintervalinmusicisthedistanceonthekeyboardfromonepianotothenext。

Arestmeansyouarenottosingit。

Emphasisisputtingmoredistressononewordthananother。

Thechapteron"Physiology"containsmuchthatoughtnottobelosttoscience:

Physillogigyistostudyaboutyourbonesstummickandvertebry。

Occupationswhichareinjurioustohealtharecabolicacidgaswhichisimpureblood。

Wehaveanupperandlowerskin。Thelowerskinmovesallthetimeandtheupperskinmoveswhenwedo。

Thebodyismostlycomposedofwaterandaboutonehalfisavaricioustissue。

Thestomachisasmallpearshapedbonesituatedinthebody。

Thegastricjuicekeepsthebonesfromcreaking。

TheChyleflowsupthemiddleofthebackboneandreachestheheartwhereitmeetstheoxygenandispurified。

Thesalivaryglandsareusedtosalivatethebody。

Inthestomachstarchischangedtocanesugarandcanesugartosugarcane。

Theolfactorynerveentersthecavityoftheorbitandisdevelopedintothespecialsenseofhearing。

Thegrowthofatoothbeginsinthebackofthemouthandextendstothestomach。

Ifwewereonarailroadtrackandatrainwascomingthetrainwoulddeafenourearssothatwecouldn’tseetogetoffthetrack。

If，uptothispoint，noneofmyquotationshaveaddedflavortotheJohnsoniananecdoteattheheadofthisarticle，letusmakeanotherattempt:

ThetheorythatintuitivetruthsarediscoveredbythelightofnatureoriginatedfromSt。John’sinterpretationofapassageintheGospelofPlato。

Theweightoftheearthisfoundbycomparingamassofknownleadwiththatofamassofunknownlead。

Tofindtheweightoftheearthtakethelengthofadegreeonameridianandmultiplyby61/2pounds。

Thespheresaretoeachotherasthesquaresoftheirhomologoussides。

Abodywillgojustasfarinthefirstsecondasthebodywillgoplustheforceofgravityandthat’sequaltotwicewhatthebodywillgo。

Specificgravityistheweighttobecomparedweightofanequalvolumeoforthatistheweightofabodycomparedwiththeweightofanequalvolume。

Thelawoffluidpressuredividethedifferentformsoforganizedbodiesbytheformofattractionandthenumberincreasedwillbetheform。

Inertiaisthatpropertyofbodiesbyvirtueofwhichitcannotchangeitsownconditionofrestormotion。Inotherwordsitisthenegativequalityofpassivenesseitherinrecoverablelatencyorinsipientlatescence。

Ifalaughisfairhere，notthestrugglingchild，northeunintelligentteacherorrathertheunintelligentBoards，Committees，andTrusteesarethepropertargetforit。Allthroughthislittlebookonedetectsthesignsofacertainprobablefactthatalargepartofthepupil’s"instruction"

consistsincramminghimwithobscureandwordy"rules"whichhedoesnotunderstandandhasnotimetounderstand。Itwouldbeasusefultocramhimwithbrickbats;theywouldatleaststay。