第5章
"Oh，mygoodness!whatdoyouwanttospellitfor？"
"Idon"twanttospellit；Iwanttoseewhatitmeans。"
"Well，thisisastonishing，Imustsay。Icantellyouwhatitmeans，ifyou——ifyou——"
"Oh，allright!Thatwillanswer，andmuchobligedtoyou，too。"
"In，in，ter，ter，inter——"
"Thenyouspellitwithanh"
Whycertainly!"
"Oh，thatiswhattookmesolong。"
"Why，mydearsir，whatdidyouproposetospellitwith？"
"Well，I——I——hardlyknow。IhadtheUnabridged，andIwascipheringaroundinthebackend，hopingImighttreeheramongthepictures。
Butit"saveryoldedition。"
"Why，myfriend，theywouldn"thaveapictureofitineventhelateste——Mydearsir，Ibegyourpardon，Imeannoharmintheworld，butyoudonotlookas——as——intelligentasIhadexpectedyouwould。Noharm——
Imeannoharmatall。"
"Oh，don"tmentionit!Ithasoftenbeensaid，andbypeoplewhowouldnotflatterandwhocouldhavenoinducementtoflatter，thatIamquiteremarkableinthatway。Yes——yes；theyalwaysspeakofitwithrapture。"
"Icaneasilyimagineit。Butaboutthisinterview。Youknowitisthecustom，now，tointerviewanymanwhohasbecomenotorious。"
"Indeed，Ihadnotheardofitbefore。Itmustbeveryinteresting。
Whatdoyoudoitwith？"
"Ah，well——well——well——thisisdisheartening。Itoughttobedonewithaclubinsomecases；butcustomarilyitconsistsintheintervieweraskingquestionsandtheinterviewedansweringthem。Itisalltheragenow。
Willyouletmeaskyoucertainquestionscalculatedtobringoutthesalientpointsofyourpublicandprivatehistory？"
"Oh，withpleasure——withpleasure。Ihaveaverybadmemory，butIhopeyouwillnotmindthat。Thatistosay，itisanirregularmemory——
singularlyirregular。Sometimesitgoesinagallop，andthenagainitwillbeasmuchasafortnightpassingagivenpoint。Thisisagreatgrieftome。"
"Oh，itisnomatter，soyouwilltrytodothebestyoucan。"
"Iwill。Iwillputmywholemindonit。"
"Thanks。Areyoureadytobegin？"
"Ready。"
Q。Howoldareyou？
A。Nineteen，inJune。
Q。Indeed。Iwouldhavetakenyoutobethirty-fiveorsix。Wherewereyouborn？
A。InMissouri。
Q。Whendidyoubegintowrite？
A。In1836。
Q。Why，howcouldthatbe，ifyouareonlynineteennow？
A。Idon"tknow。Itdoesseemcurious，somehow。
Q。Itdoes，indeed。Whomdoyouconsiderthemostremarkablemanyouevermet？
A。AaronBurr。
Q。ButyounevercouldhavemetAaronBurr，ifyouareonlynineteenyears!
A。Now，ifyouknowmoreaboutmethanIdo，whatdoyouaskmefor？
Q。Well，itwasonlyasuggestion；nothingmore。HowdidyouhappentomeetBurr？
A。Well，Ihappenedtobeathisfuneraloneday，andheaskedmetomakelessnoise，and——
Q。But，goodheavens!ifyouwereathisfuneral，hemusthavebeendead，andifhewasdeadhowcouldhecarewhetheryoumadeanoiseornot？
A。Idon"tknow。Hewasalwaysaparticularkindofamanthatway。
Q。Still，Idon"tunderstanditatall，Yousayhespoketoyou，andthathewasdead。
A。Ididn"tsayhewasdead。
Q。Butwasn"thedead？
A。Well，somesaidhewas，somesaidhewasn"t。
Q。Whatdidyouthink？
A。Oh，itwasnoneofmybusiness!Itwasn"tanyofmyfuneral。
Q。Didyou——However，wecannevergetthismatterstraight。Letmeaskaboutsomethingelse。Whatwasthedateofyourbirth？
A。Monday，October31，1693。
Q。What!Impossible!Thatwouldmakeyouahundredandeightyyearsold。Howdoyouaccountforthat？
A。Idon"taccountforitatall。
Q。Butyousaidatfirstyouwereonlynineteen，andnowyoumakeyourselfouttobeonehundredandeighty。Itisanawfuldiscrepancy。
A。Why，haveyounoticedthat？(Shakinghands。)Manyatimeithasseemedtomelikeadiscrepancy，butsomehowIcouldn"tmakeupmymind。
Howquickyounoticeathing!
Q。Thankyouforthecompliment，asfarasitgoes。Hadyou，orhaveyou，anybrothersorsisters？
A。Eh!I——I——Ithinkso——yes——butIdon"tremember。
Q。Well，thatisthemostextraordinarystatementIeverheard!
A。Why，whatmakesyouthinkthat？
Q。HowcouldIthinkotherwise？Why，lookhere!Whoisthisapictureofonthewall？Isn"tthatabrotherofyours？
A。Oh，yes，yes，yes!Nowyouremindmeofit；thatwasabrotherofmine。That"sWilliam——Billwecalledhim。PooroldBill!
Q。Why？Ishedead，then？
A。Ah!well，Isupposeso。Wenevercouldtell。Therewasagreatmysteryaboutit。
Q。Thatissad，verysad。Hedisappeared，then？
A。Well，yes，inasortofgeneralway。Weburiedhim。
Q。Buriedhim!Buriedhim，withoutknowingwhetherhewasdeadornot？
A。Oh，no!Notthat。Hewasdeadenough。
Q。Well，IconfessthatIcan"tunderstandthis。Ifyouburiedhim，andyouknewhewasdeadA。No!no!Weonlythoughthewas。
Q。Oh，Isee!Hecametolifeagain？
A。Ibethedidn"t。
Q。Well，Ineverheardanythinglikethis。Somebodywasdead。Somebodywasburied。Now，wherewasthemystery？
A。Ah!that"sjustit!That"sitexactly。Yousee，weweretwins——
defunct——andI——andwegotmixedinthebathtubwhenwewereonlytwoweeksold，andoneofuswasdrowned。Butwedidn"tknowwhich。SomethinkitwasBill。Somethinkitwasme。
Q。Well，thatisremarkable。Whatdoyouthink？
A。Goodnessknows!Iwouldgivewholeworldstoknow。Thissolemn，thisawfulmysteryhascastagloomovermywholelife。ButIwilltellyouasecretnow，whichIneverhaverevealedtoanycreaturebefore。
Oneofushadapeculiarmark——alargemoleonthebackofhislefthand；
thatwasme。Thatchildwastheonethatwasdrowned!
Q。Verywell，then，Idon"tseethatthereisanymysteryaboutit，afterall。
A。Youdon"t？Well，Ido。Anyway，Idon"tseehowtheycouldeverhavebeensuchablunderinglotastogoandburythewrongchild。But，"sh!——
don"tmentionitwherethefamilycanhearofit。Heavenknowstheyhaveheartbreakingtroublesenoughwithoutaddingthis。
Q。Well，IbelieveIhavegotmaterialenoughforthepresent，andIamverymuchobligedtoyouforthepainsyouhavetaken。ButIwasagooddealinterestedinthataccountofAaronBurr"sfuneral。WouldyoumindtellingmewhatparticularcircumstanceitwasthatmadeyouthinkBurrwassucharemarkableman？
A。Oh!itwasameretrifle!Notonemaninfiftywouldhavenoticeditatall。Whenthesermonwasover，andtheprocessionallreadytostartforthecemetery，andthebodyallarrangedniceinthehearse，hesaidhewantedtotakealastlookatthescenery，andsohegotupandrodewiththedriver。
Thentheyoungmanreverentlywithdrew。Hewasverypleasantcompany，andIwassorrytoseehimgo。
PARISNOTES——
[Crowdedoutof"ATrampAbroad"tomakeroomformorevitalstatistics——M。T。]
TheParisiantravelsbutlittle，heknowsnolanguagebuthisown，readsnoliteraturebuthisown，andconsequentlyheisprettynarrowandprettyself-sufficient。However，letusnotbetoosweeping；thereareFrenchmenwhoknowlanguagesnottheirown:thesearethewaiters。Amongtherest，theyknowEnglish；thatis，theyknowitontheEuropeanplan——
whichistosay，theycanspeakit，butcan"tunderstandit。Theyeasilymakethemselvesunderstood，butitisnexttoimpossibletowordanEnglishsentenceinsuchawayastoenablethemtocomprehendit。Theythinktheycomprehendit；theypretendtheydo；buttheydon"t。HereisaconversationwhichIhadwithoneofthesebeings；Iwroteitdownatthetime，inordertohaveitexactlycorrect。
I。Thesearefineoranges。Wherearetheygrown？
He。More？Yes，Iwillbringthem。
I。No，donotbringanymore；Ionlywanttoknowwheretheyarefromwheretheyareraised。
He。Yes？(withimperturbablemienandrisinginflection。)
I。Yes。Canyoutellmewhatcountrytheyarefrom？
He。Yes？(blandly，withrisinginflection。)
I。(disheartened)。Theyareverynice。
He。Goodnight。(Bows，andretires，quitesatisfiedwithhimself。)
ThatyoungmancouldhavebecomeagoodEnglishscholarbytakingtherightsortofpains，buthewasFrench，andwouldn"tdothat。Howdifferentisthecasewithourpeople；theyutilizeeverymeansthatoffers。TherearesomeallegedFrenchProtestantsinParis，andtheybuiltanicelittlechurchononeofthegreatavenuesthatleadawayfromtheArchofTriumph，andproposedtolistentothecorrectthing，preachedinthecorrectway，there，intheirpreciousFrenchtongue，andbehappy。Buttheirlittlegamedoesnotsucceed。OurpeoplearealwaysthereaheadofthemSundays，andtakeupalltheroom。Whentheministergetsuptopreach，hefindshishousefullofdevoutforeigners，eachreadyandwaiting，withhislittlebookinhishand——amorocco-boundTestament，apparently。Butonlyapparently；itisMr。Bellows"sadmirableandexhaustivelittleFrench-Englishdictionary，whichinlookandbindingandsizeisjustlikeaTestamentandthose，peoplearetheretostudyFrench。Thebuildinghasbeennicknamed"TheChurchoftheGratisFrenchLesson。"
Thesestudentsprobablyacquiremorelanguagethangeneralinformation，forIamtoldthataFrenchsermonislikeaFrenchspeech——itnevernamesahistoricalevent，butonlythedateofit；ifyouarenotupindates，yougetleft。AFrenchspeechissomethinglikethis:
Comrades，citizens，brothers，noblepartsoftheonlysublimeandperfectnation，letusnotforgetthatthe21stJanuarycastoffourchains；thatthe10thAugustrelievedusoftheshamefulpresenceofforeignspies；thatthe5thSeptemberwasitsownjustificationbeforeheavenandhumanity；thatthe18thBrumairecontainedtheseedsofitsownpunishment；thatthe14thJulywasthemightyvoiceoflibertyproclaimingtheresurrection，thenewday，andinvitingtheoppressedpeoplesoftheearthtolookuponthedivinefaceofFranceandlive；andletushererecordoureverlastingcurseagainstthemanofthe2dDecember，anddeclareinthundertones，thenativetonesofFrance，thatbutforhimtherehadbeenno17thMarchinhistory，no12thOctober，no19thJanuary，no22dApril，no16thNovember，no30thSeptember，no2dJuly，no14thFebruary，no29thJune，no15thAugust，no31stMay——thatbutforhim，Francethepure，thegrand，thepeerless，hadhadasereneandvacantalmanactoday!
IhaveheardofoneFrenchsermonwhichclosedinthisoddyeteloquentway:
Myhearers，wehavesadcausetorememberthemanofthe13thJanuary。Theresultsofthevastcrimeofthe13thJanuaryhavebeeninjustproportiontothemagnitudeofthesetitself。Butforittherehadbeenno30November——sorrowfulspectacle!Thegrislydeedofthe16thJunehadnotbeendonebutforit，norhadthemanofthe16thJuneknownexistence；toitalonethe3dSeptemberwasdue，alsothefatal12thOctober。Shallwe，then，begratefulforthe13thJanuary，withitsfreightofdeathforyouandmeandallthatbreathe？Yes，myfriends，foritgaveusalsothatwhichhadnevercomebutforit，anditatone——theblessed25thDecember。
Itmaybewellenoughtoexplain，thoughinthecaseofmanyofmyreadersthiswillhardlybenecessary。Themanofthe13thJanuaryisAdam；thecrimeofthatdatewastheeatingoftheapple；thesorrowfulspectacleofthe30thNovemberwastheexpulsionfromEden；thegrislydeedofthe16thJunewasthemurderofAbel；theactofthe3dSeptemberwasthebeginningofthejourneytothelandofNod；the12thdayofOctober，thelastmountain-topsdisappearedundertheflood。WhenyougotochurchinFrance，youwanttotakeyouralmanacwithyou——annotated。
LEGENDOFSAGENFELD，INGERMANY
[Leftoutof"ATrampAbroad"becauseitsauthenticityseemeddoubtful，andcouldnotatthattimebeproved——M。T。]
Morethanathousandyearsagothissmalldistrictwasakingdom——alittlebitofakingdom，asortofdaintylittletoykingdom，asonemightsay。Itwasfarremovedfromthejealousies，strifes，andturmoilsofthatoldwarlikeday，andsoitslifewasasimplelife，itspeopleagentleandguilelessrace；itlayalwaysinadeepdreamofpeace，asoftSabbathtranquillity；therewasnomalice，therewasnoenvy，therewasnoambition，consequentlytherewerenoheart-burnings，therewasnounhappinessintheland。
InthecourseoftimetheoldkingdiedandhislittlesonHubertcametothethrone。Thepeople"sloveforhimgrewdaily；hewassogoodandsopureandsonoble，thatbyandbyhislovebecameapassion，almostaworship。Nowathisbirththesoothsayershaddiligentlystudiedthestarsandfoundsomethingwritteninthatshiningbooktothiseffect:
InHubert"sfourteenthyearapregnanteventwillhappen；theanimalwhosesingingshallsoundsweetestinHubert"searshallsaveHubert"slife。Solongasthekingandthenationshallhonorthisanimal"sraceforthisgooddeed，theancientdynastyshallnotfailofanheir，northenationknowwarorpestilenceorpoverty。Butbewareanerringchoice!
Allthroughtheking"sthirteenthyearbutonethingwastalkedofbythesoothsayers，thestatesmen，thelittleparliament，andthegeneralpeople。Thatonethingwasthis:
Howisthelastsentenceoftheprophecytobeunderstood？Whatgoesbeforeseemstomeanthatthesavinganimalwillchooseitselfatthepropertime；buttheclosingsentenceseemstomeanthatthekingmustchoosebeforehand，andsaywhatsingeramongtheanimalspleaseshimbest，andthatifhechoosewiselythechosenanimalwillsavehislife，hisdynasty，hispeople，butthatifheshouldmake"anerringchoice"——beware!
Bytheendoftheyeartherewereasmanyopinionsaboutthismatterastherehadbeeninthebeginning；butamajorityofthewiseandthesimplewereagreedthatthesafestplanwouldbeforthelittlekingtomakechoicebeforehand，andtheearlierthebetter。Soanedictwassentforthcommandingallpersonswhoownedsingingcreaturestobringthemtothegreathallofthepalaceinthemorningofthefirstdayofthenewyear。Thiscommandwasobeyed。Wheneverythingwasinreadinessforthetrial，thekingmadehissolemnentrywiththegreatofficersofthecrown，allclothedintheirrobesofstate。Thekingmountedhisgoldenthroneandpreparedtogivejudgment。Buthepresentlysaid:
"Thesecreaturesallsingatonce；thenoiseisunendurable；noonecanchooseinsuchaturmoil。Takethemallaway，andbringbackoneatatime。"
Thiswasdone。Onesweetwarblerafteranothercharmedtheyoungking"searandwasremovedtomakewayforanothercandidate。Thepreciousminutesslippedby；amongsomanybewitchingsongstershefoundithardtochoose，andalltheharderbecausethepromisedpenaltyforanerrorwassoterriblethatitunsettledhisjudgmentandmadehimafraidtotrusthisownears。Hegrewnervousandhisfaceshoweddistress。Hisministerssawthis，fortheynevertooktheireyesfromhimamoment。
Nowtheybegantosayintheirhearts:
"Hehaslostcourage——thecoolheadisgone——hewillerr——heandhisdynastyandhispeoplearedoomed!"
Attheendofanhourthekingsatsilentawhile，andthensaid:
"Bringbackthelinnet。"
Thelinnettrilledforthherjubilantmusic。Inthemidstofitthekingwasabouttouplifthisscepterinsignofchoice，butcheckedhimselfandsaid:
"Butletusbesure。Bringbackthethrush；letthemsingtogether。"
Thethrushwasbrought，andthetwobirdspouredouttheirmarvelsofsongtogether。Thekingwavered，thenhisinclinationbegantosettleandstrengthen——onecouldseeitinhiscountenance。Hopebuddedintheheartsoftheoldministers，theirpulsesbegantobeatquicker，thescepterbegantoriseslowly，when:Therewasahideousinterruption!
Itwasasoundlikethis——justatthedoor:
"Waw……he!waw……he!waw-he!-wawhe!-waw-he!"
Everybodywassorelystartled——andenragedathimselfforshowingit。
Thenextinstantthedearest，sweetest，prettiestlittlepeasant-maidofnineyearscametrippingin，herbrowneyesglowingwithchildisheagerness；butwhenshesawthataugustcompanyandthoseangryfacesshestoppedandhungherheadandputherpoorcoarseaprontohereyes。
Nobodygaveherwelcome，nonepitiedher。Presentlyshelookeduptimidlythroughhertears，andsaid:
"Mylordtheking，Iprayyoupardonme，forImeantnowrong。Ihavenofatherandnomother，butIhaveagoatandadonkey，andtheyareallinalltome。Mygoatgivesmethesweetestmilk，andwhenmydeargooddonkeybraysitseemstomethereisnomusicliketoit。~Sowhenmylordtheking"sjestersaidthesweetestsingeramongalltheanimalsshouldsavethecrownandnation，andmovedmetobringhimhere——"
Allthecourtburstintoarudelaugh，andthechildfledawaycrying，withouttryingtofinishherspeech。Thechiefministergaveaprivateorderthatsheandherdisastrousdonkeybefloggedbeyondtheprecinctsofthepalaceandcommandedtocomewithinthemnomore。
Thenthetrialofthebirdswasresumed。Thetwobirdssangtheirbest，butthescepterlaymotionlessintheking"shand。Hopediedslowlyoutinthebreastsofall。Anhourwentby；twohours，stillnodecision。
Thedaywanedtoitsclose，andthewaitingmultitudesoutsidethepalacegrewcrazedwithanxietyandapprehension。Thetwilightcameon，theshadowsfelldeeperanddeeper。Thekingandhiscourtcouldnolongerseeeachother"sfaces。Noonespoke——nonecalledforlights。Thegreattrialhadbeenmade；ithadfailed；eachandallwishedtohidetheirfacesfromthelightandcoveruptheirdeeptroubleintheirownhearts。
Finally-hark!Arich，fullstrainofthedivinestmelodystreamedforthfromaremotepartofthehallthenightingale"svoice!
"Up!"shoutedtheking，"letallthebellsmakeproclamationtothepeople，forthechoiceismadeandwehavenoterred。King，dynasty，andnationaresaved。Fromhenceforthletthenightingalebehonoredthroughoutthelandforever。Andpublishitamongallthepeoplethatwhosoevershallinsultanightingale，orinjureit，shallsufferdeath。
Thekinghathspoken。"
Allthatlittleworldwasdrunkwithjoy。Thecastleandthecityblazedwithbonfiresallnightlong，thepeopledancedanddrankandsang；andthetriumphantclamorofthebellsneverceased。
Fromthatdaythenightingalewasasacredbird。Itssongwasheardineveryhouse；thepoetswroteitspraises；thepainterspaintedit；itssculpturedimageadornedeveryarchandturretandfountainandpublicbuilding。Itwaseventakenintotheking"scouncils；andnogravematterofstatewasdecideduntilthesoothsayershadlaidthethingbeforethestatenightingaleandtranslatedtotheministrywhatitwasthatthebirdhadsungaboutit。
II
Theyoungkingwasveryfondofthechase。Whenthesummerwascomeherodeforthwithhawkandhound，oneday，inabrilliantcompanyofhisnobles。Hegotseparatedfromthembyandby，inagreatforest，andtookwhatheimaginedaneatcut，tofindthemagain；butitwasamistake。Herodeonandon，hopefullyatfirst，butwithsinkingcouragefinally。Twilightcameon，andstillhewasplungingthroughalonelyandunknownland。Thencameacatastrophe。Inthedimlightheforcedhishorsethroughatangledthicketoverhangingasteepandrockydeclivity。Whenhorseandriderreachedthebottom，theformerhadabrokenneckandthelatterabrokenleg。Thepoorlittlekinglaytheresufferingagoniesofpain，andeachhourseemedalongmonthtohim。
Hekepthisearstrainedtoheatanysoundthatmightpromisehopeofrescue；butheheardnovoice，nosoundofhornorbayofhound。Soatlasthegaveupallhope，andsaid，"Letdeathcome，fourcomeitmust。"
Justthenthedeep，sweetsongofanightingalesweptacrossthestillwastesofthenight。
"Saved!"thekingsaid。"Saved!Itisthesacredbird，andtheprophecyiscometrue。Thegodsthemselvesprotectedmefromerrorinthechoice。"
Hecouldhardlycontainhisjoy；hecouldnotwordhisgratitude。Everyfewmoments，nowhethoughthecaughtthesoundofapproachingsuccor。
Buteachtimeitwasadisappointment；nosuccorcame。Thedullhoursdriftedon。Stillnohelpcame——butstillthesacredbirdsangon。Hebegantohavemisgivingsabouthischoice，buthestifledthem。Towarddawnthebirdceased。Themorningcame，andwithitthirstandhunger；
butnosuccor。Thedaywaxedandwaned。Atlastthekingcursedthenightingale。
Immediatelythesongofthethrushcamefromoutthewood。Thekingsaidinhisheart，"Thiswasthetrue-bird——mychoicewasfalse——succorwillcomenow。"
Butitdidnotcome。Thenhelaymanyhoursinsensible。Whenhecametohimself，alinnetwassinging。Helistened-withapathy。Hisfaithwasgone。"Thesebirds，"hesaid，"canbringnohelp；Iandmyhouseandmypeoplearedoomed。"Heturnedhimabouttodie；forhewasgrownveryfeeblefromhungerandthirstandsuffering，andfeltthathisendwasnear。Intruth，hewantedtodie，andbereleasedfrompain。Forlonghourshelaywithoutthoughtorfeelingormotion。Thenhissensesreturned。Thedawnofthethirdmorningwasbreaking。Ah，theworldseemedverybeautifultothoseworneyes。Suddenlyagreatlongingtoliveroseupinthelad"sheart，andfromhissoulwelledadeepandferventprayerthatHeavenwouldhavemercyuponhimandlethimseehishomeandhisfriendsoncemore。Inthatinstantasoft，afaint，afar-
offsound，butoh，howinexpressiblysweettohiswaitingear，camefloatingoutofthedistance:
"Waw……he!waw……he!waw-he!——waw-he!——waw-he!"
"That，oh，thatsongissweeter，athousandtimessweeterthanthevoiceofthenightingale，thrush，orlinnet，foritbringsnotmerehope，butcertaintyofsuccor；andnow，indeed，amIsaved!Thesacredsingerhaschosenitself，astheoracleintended；theprophecyisfulfilled，andmylife，myhouse，andmypeopleareredeemed。Theassshallbesacredfromthisday!"
Thedivinemusicgrewnearerandnearer，strongerandstrongerandeversweeterandsweetertotheperishingsufferer"sear。Downthedeclivitythedocilelittledonkeywandered，croppingherbageandsingingashewent；andwhenatlasthesawthedeadhorseandthewoundedking，hecameandsnuffedatthemwithsimpleandmarvelingcuriosity。Thekingpettedhim，andhekneltdownashadbeenhiswontwhenhislittlemistressdesiredtomount。Withgreatlaborandpaintheladdrewhimselfuponthecreature"sback，andheldhimselftherebyaidofthegenerousears。Theasswentsingingforthfromtheplaceandcarriedthekingtothelittlepeasant-maid"shut。Shegavehimherpalletforabed，refreshedhimwithgoat"smilk，andthenflewtotellthegreatnewstothefirstscouting-partyofsearchersshemightmeet。
Thekinggotwell。Hisfirstactwastoproclaimthesacrednessandinviolabilityoftheass；hissecondwastoaddthisparticularasstohiscabinetandmakehimchiefministerofthecrown；histhirdwastohaveallthestatuesandeffigiesofnightingalesthroughouthiskingdomdestroyed，andreplacedbystatuesandeffigiesofthesacreddonkey；
and，hisfourthwastoannouncethatwhenthelittlepeasantmaidshouldreachherfifteenthyearhewouldmakeherhisqueenandhekepthisword。
Suchisthelegend。Thisexplainswhythemolderingimageoftheassadornsalltheseoldcrumblingwallsandarches；anditexplainswhy，duringmanycenturies，anasswasalwaysthechiefministerinthatroyalcabinet，justasisstillthecaseinmostcabinetstothisday；anditalsoexplainswhy，inthatlittlekingdom，duringmanycenturies，allgreatpoems，allgreatspeeches，allgreatbooks，allpublicsolemnities，andallroyalproclamations，alwaysbeganwiththesestirringwords:
"Waw……he!waw……，he!——wawhe!Waw-he!"
SPEECHONTHEBABIES
ATTHEBANQUET，INCHICAGO，GIVENBYTHEARMYOFTHETENNESSEETOTHEIR
FIRSTCOMMANDER，GENERALU。S。GRANT，NOVEMBER，1879
Thefifteenthregulartoastwas"TheBabies——astheycomfortusinoursorrows，letusnotforgettheminourfestivities。"
Ilikethat。Wehavenotallhadthegoodfortunetobeladies。Wehavenotallbeengenerals，orpoets，orstatesmen；butwhenthetoastworksdowntothebabies，westandoncommonground。Itisashamethatforathousandyearstheworld"sbanquetshaveutterlyignoredthebaby，asifhedidn"tamounttoanything。Ifyouwillstopandthinkaminute——ifyouwillgobackfiftyoronehundredyearstoyourearlymarriedlifeandrecontemplateyourfirstbaby——youwillrememberthatheamountedtoagreatdeal，andevensomethingover。Yousoldiersallknowthatwhenthelittlefellowarrivedatfamily，headquartersyouhadtohandinyourresignation。Hetookentirecommand。Youbecamehislackey，hismerebodyservant，andyouhadtostandaround，too。Hewasnotacommanderwhomadeallowancesfartime，distance，weather，oranythingelse。Youhadtoexecutehisorderwhetheritwaspossibleormot。Andtherewasonlyoneformofmarchinginhismanualoftactics，andthatwasthedouble-quick。Hetreatedyouwitheverysortofinsolenceanddisrespect，andthebravestofyoudidn"tdaretosayaword。Youcouldfacethedeath-stormatDonelsonandVicksburg，andgivebackblowforblow；butwhenheclawedyourwhiskers，andpulledyourhair，andtwistedyournose，youhadtotakeit。Whenthethundersofwarweresoundinginyourearsyousetyourfacestowardthebatteries，andadvancedwithsteadytread；butwhenheturnedontheterrorsofhiswar-whoopyouadvancedintheotherdirection，andmightygladofthechance，too。Whenhecalledforsoothing-syrup，didyouventuretothrowoutanysideremarksaboutcertainservicesbeingunbecominganofficerandagentleman？No。Yougotupandgotit。Whenheorderedhispap-
bottleanditwasnotwarm，didyoutalkback？Notyou。Youwenttoworkandwarmedit。Youevendescendedsofarinyourmenialofficeastotakeasuckatthatwarm，insipidstuffyourself，toseeifitwasright——threepartswatertooneofmilk，atouchofsugartomodifythecolic，andadropofpepperminttokillthosehiccoughs。Icantastethatstuffyet。Andhowmanythingsyoulearnedasyouwentalong!
Sentimentalyoungfolksstilltakestockinthatbeautifuloldsayingthatwhenthebabysmilesinhissleep，itisbecausetheangelsarewhisperingtohim。Verypretty，buttoothin——simplywindonthestomach，myfriends。Ifthebabyproposedtotakeawalkathisusualhour，twoo"clockinthemorning，didn"tyouriseuppromptlyandremark，withamentaladditionwhichwouldnotimproveaSunday-schoolbookmuch，thatthatwastheverythingyouwereabouttoproposeyourself？Oh!
youwereundergooddiscipline，andasyouwentflutteringupanddowntheroominyourundressuniform，younotonlyprattledundignifiedbaby-