第6章

talk，buteventunedupyourmartialvoicesandtriedtosing!——"Rock-a-

bybabyinthetreetop，"forinstance。WhataspectacleforanArmyoftheTennessee!Andwhatanafflictionfortheneighbors，too；foritisnoteverybodywithinamilearoundthatlikesmilitarymusicatthreeinthemorning:Andwhenyouhadbeenkeepingthissortofthinguptwoorthreehours，andyourlittlevelvet-headintimatedthatnothingsuitedhimlikeexerciseandnoise，whatdidyoudo？["Goon!"]Yousimplywentonuntilyoudroppedinthelastditch。Theideathatababydoesn"tamounttoanything!Why，onebabyisjustahouseandafrontyardfullbyitself。OnebabycanfurnishmorebusinessthanyouandyourwholeInteriorDepartmentcanattendto。Heisenterprising，irrepressible，brimfuloflawlessactivities。Dowhatyouplease，youcan"tmakehimstayonthereservation。Sufficientuntothedayisonebaby。Aslongasyouareinyourrightminddon"tyoueverprayfortwins。Twinsamounttoapermanentriot。Andthereain"tanyrealdifferencebetweentripletsandaninsurrection。

Yes，itwashightimeforatoast-mastertorecognizetheimportanceofthebabies。Thinkwhatisinstoreforthepresentcrop!Fiftyyearsfromnowweshallallbedead，Itrust，andthenthisflag，ifitstillsurvive(andletushopeitmay)，willbefloatingoveraRepublicnumbering200，000，000souls，accordingtothesettledlawsofourincrease。OurpresentschoonerofStatewillhavegrownintoapoliticalleviathan——aGreatEastern。Thecradledbabiesofto-daywillbeondeck。Letthembewelltrained，forwearegoingtoleaveabigcontractontheirhands。Amongthethreeorfourmillioncradlesnowrockinginthelandaresomewhichthisnationwouldpreserveforagesassacredthings，ifwecouldknowwhichonestheyare。InoneofthemcradlestheunconsciousFarragutofthefutureisatthismomentteething——thinkofit!——andputtinginaworldofdeadearnest，unarticulated，butperfectlyjustifiableprofanityoverit，too。InanotherthefuturerenownedastronomerisblinkingattheshiningMilkyWaywithbutalanguidinterest——poorlittlechap!——andwonderingwhathasbecomeofthatotheronetheycallthewet-nurse。Inanotherthefuturegreathistorianislying——anddoubtlesswillcontinuetolieuntilhisearthlymissionisended。InanotherthefuturePresidentisbusyinghimselfwithnoprofounderproblemofstatethanwhatthemischiefhasbecomeofhishairsoearly；andinamightyarrayofothercradlestherearenowsome60，000futureoffice-seekers，gettingreadytofurnishhimoccasiontograpplewiththatsameoldproblemasecondtime。Andinstillonemorecradle，somewhereundertheflag，thefutureillustriouscommander-in-

chiefoftheAmericanarmiesissolittleburdenedwithhisapproachinggrandeursandresponsibilitiesastobegivinghiswholestrategicmindatthismomenttotryingtofindoutsomewaytogethisbigtoeintohismouth——anachievementwhich，meaningnodisrespect，theillustriousguestofthiseveningturnedhisentireattentiontosomefifty-sixyearsago；

andifthechildisbutaprophecyoftheman，therearemightyfewwhowilldoubtthathesucceeded。

SPEECHONTHEWEATHER

ATTHENEWENGLANDSOCIETY"SSEVENTY-FIRSTANNUALDINNER，NEWYORKCITY

Thenexttoastwas:"TheOldestInhabitant——TheWeatherofNewEngland。"

Whocanloseitandforgetit？

Whocanhaveitandregretit？

Beinterposes"twixtusTwain。

MerchantofVenice。

TothisSamuelL。Clemens(MarkTwain)repliedasfollows:——

IreverentlybelievethattheMakerwhomadeusallmakeseverythinginNewEnglandbuttheweather。Idon"tknowwhomakesthat，butIthinkitmustberawapprenticesintheweather-clerk"sfactorywhoexperimentandlearnhow，inNewEngland，forboardandclothes，andthenarepromotedtomakeweatherforcountriesthatrequireagoodarticle，andwilltaketheircustomelsewhereiftheydon"tgetit。ThereisasumptuousvarietyabouttheNewEnglandweatherthatcompelsthestranger"sadmiration——andregret。Theweatherisalwaysdoingsomethingthere；

alwaysattendingstrictlytobusiness；alwaysgettingupnewdesignsandtryingthemonthepeopletoseehowtheywillgo。Butitgetsthroughmorebusinessinspringthaninanyotherseason。InthespringIhavecountedonehundredandthirty-sixdifferentkindsofweatherinsideoffour-and-twentyhours。ItwasIthatmadethefameandfortuneofthatmanthathadthatmarvelouscollectionofweatheronexhibitionattheCentennial，thatsoastoundedtheforeigners。Hewasgoingtotravelallovertheworldandgetspecimensfromalltheclimes。Isaid，"Don"tyoudoit；youcometoNewEnglandonafavorablespringday。"Itoldhimwhatwecoulddointhewayofstyle，variety，andquantity。Well，hecameandhemadehiscollectioninfourdays。Astovariety，why，heconfessedthathegothundredsofkindsofweatherthathehadneverheardofbefore。Andastoquantity——well，afterhehadpickedoutanddiscardedallthatwasblemishedinanyway，henotonlyhadweatherenough，butweathertospare；weathertohireout；weathertosell；todeposit；weathertoinvest；weathertogivetothepoor。ThepeopleofNewEnglandarebynaturepatientandforbearing，buttherearesomethingswhichtheywillnotstand。Everyyeartheykillalotofpoetsforwritingabout"BeautifulSpring。"Thesearegenerallycasualvisitors，whobringtheirnotionsofspringfromsomewhereelse，andcannot，ofcourse，knowhowthenativesfeelaboutspring。Andsothefirstthingtheyknowtheopportunitytoinquirehowtheyfeelhaspermanentlygoneby。OldProbabilitieshasamightyreputationforaccurateprophecy，andthoroughlywelldeservesit。Youtakeupthepaperandobservehowcrisplyandconfidentlyhechecksoffwhatto-day"sweatherisgoingtobeonthePacific，downSouth，intheMiddleStates，intheWisconsinregion。SeehimsailalonginthejoyandprideofhispowertillhegetstoNewEngland，andthensee-histaildrop。Hedoesn"tknowwhattheweatherisgoingtobeinNewEngland。Well，hemullsoverit，andbyandbyhegetsoutsomethingaboutlikethis:

Probablenortheasttosouthwestminds，varyingtothesouthwardandwestwardandeastward，andpointsbetween，highandlowbarometerswappingaroundfromplacetoplace；probableareasofrain，snow，hail，anddrought，succeededorprecededbyearthquakes，withthunderandlightning。Thenhejotsdownthispostscriptfromhiswanderingmind，tocoveraccidents:"Butitispossiblethattheprogrammaybewhollychangedinthemeantime。"Yes，oneofthebrightestgemsintheNewEnglandweatheristhedazzlinguncertaintyofit。Thereisonlyonethingcertainaboutit:youarecertainthereisgoingtobeplentyofit——aperfectgrandreview；butyounevercantellwhichendoftheprocessionisgoingtomovefirst。Youfixupforthedrought；youleaveyourumbrellainthehouseandsallyout，andtwotooneyougetdrowned。

Youmakeupyourmindthattheearthquakeisdue；youstandfromunder，andtakeholdofsomethingtosteadyyourself，andthefirstthingyouknowyougetstruckbylightning。Thesearegreatdisappointments；buttheycan"tbehelped。Thelightningthereispeculiar；itissoconvincing，thatwhenitstrikesathingitdoesn"tleaveenoughofthatthingbehindforyoutotellwhether——Well，you"dthinkitwassomethingvaluable，andaCongressmanhadbeenthere。Andthethunder。Whenthethunderbeginstomerelytuneupandscrapeandsaw，andkeyuptheinstrumentsfortheperformance，strangerssay，"Why，whatawfulthunderyouhavehere!"Butwhenthebatonisraisedandtherealconcertbegins，you"llfindthatstrangerdowninthecellarwithhisheadintheash-barrel。NowastothesizeoftheweatherinNewEnglandlengthways，Imean。Itisutterlydisproportionedtothesizeofthatlittlecountry。Halfthetime，whenitispackedasfullasitcanstick，youwillseethatNewEnglandweatherstickingoutbeyondtheedgesandprojectingaroundhundredsandhundredsofmilesovertheneighboringstates。Shecan"tholdatenthpartofherweather。Youcanseecracksallaboutwhereshehasstrainedherselftryingtodoit。IcouldspeakvolumesabouttheinhumanperversityoftheNewEnglandweather，butI

willgivebutasinglespecimen。Iliketohearrainonatinroof。

SoIcoveredpartofmyroofwithtin，withaneyetothatluxury。Well，sir，doyouthinkiteverrainsonthattin？No，sir；skipsiteverytime。Mind，inthisspeechIhavebeentryingmerelytodohonortotheNewEnglandweather——nolanguagecoulddoitjustice。But，afterall，thereisatleastoneortwothingsaboutthatweather(or，ifyouplease，effectsproduced，byit)whichweresidentswouldnotliketopartwith。Ifwehadn"tourbewitchingautumnfoliage，weshouldstillhavetocredittheweatherwithonefeaturewhichcompensatesforallitsbullyingvagariestheice-storm:whenaleaflesstreeisclothedwithicefromthebottomtothetop——icethatisasbrightandclearascrystal；

wheneveryboughandtwigisstrungwithice-beads，frozendewdrops，andthewholetreesparklescoldandwhite，liketheShahofPersia"sdiamondplume。Thenthewindwavesthebranchesandthesuncomesoutandturnsallthosemyriadsofbeadsanddropstoprismsthatglowandburnandflashwithallmannerofcoloredfires，whichchangeandchangeagainwithinconceivablerapidityfrombluetored，fromredtogreen，andgreentogold——thetreebecomesasprayingfountain，averyexplosionofdazzlingjewels；anditstandstheretheacme，theclimax，thesupremestpossibilityinartornature，ofbewildering，intoxicating，intolerablemagnificence。Onecannotmakethewordstoostrong。

CONCERNINGTHEAMERICANLANGUAGE

TherewasasEnglishmaninourcompartment，andhecomplimentedmeon——

onwhat？Butyouwouldneverguess。HecomplimentedmeonmyEnglish。

HesaidAmericansingeneraldidnotspeaktheEnglishlanguageascorrectlyasIdid。IsaidIwasobligedtohimforhiscompliment，sinceIknewhemeantitforone，butthatIwasnotfairlyentitledtoit，forIdidnotspeakEnglishatall——IonlyspokeAmerican。

Helaughed，andsaiditwasadistinctionwithoutadifference。Isaidno，thedifferencewasnotprodigious，butstillitwasconsiderable。

Wefellintoafriendlydisputeoverthematter。IputmycaseaswellasIcould，andsaid:

"Thelanguageswereidenticalseveralgenerationsago，butourchangedconditionsandthespreadofourpeoplefartothesouthandfartothewesthavemademanyalterationsinourpronunciation，andhaveintroducednewwordsamongusandchangedthemeaningsofmanyoldones。Englishpeopletalkthroughtheirnoses；wedonot。Wesayknow，Englishpeoplesaynao；wesaycow，theBritonsayskaow；we——"

"Oh，come!thatispureYankee；everybodyknowsthat。"

"Yes，itispureYankee；thatistrue。OnecannothearitinAmericaoutsideofthelittlecornercalledNewEngland，whichisYankeeland。

TheEnglishthemselvesplanteditthere，twohundredandfiftyyearsago，andthereitremains；ithasneverspread。ButEnglandtalksthroughhernoseyet；theLondonerandthebackwoodsNew-Englanderpronounce"know"

and"cow"alike，andthentheBritonunconsciouslysatirizeshimselfbymakingfunoftheYankee"spronunciation。"

Wearguedthispointatsomelength；nobodywon；butnomatter，thefactremainsEnglishmensaynaoandkaowfor"know"and"cow，"andthatiswhattherusticinhabitantofaverysmallsectionofAmericadoes。

"Youconferredyour"a"uponNewEngland，too，andthereitremains；ithasnottraveledoutofthenarrowlimitsofthosesixlittlestatesinallthesetwohundredandfiftyyears。AllEnglandusesit，NewEngland"ssmallpopulation-sayfourmillions-useit，butwehaveforty-

fivemillionswhodonotuseit。Yousay"glahsofwawtah，"sodoesNewEngland；atleast，NewEnglandsays"glahs。"Americaatlargeflattensthe"a"，andsays"glassofwater。"Thesesoundsarepleasanterthanyours；youmaythinktheyarenotright——well，inEnglishtheyarenotright，but"American"theyare。Yousay"flahsk"and"bahsket，"and"jackahss"；wesay"flask，""basket，""jackass"——soundingthe"a"asitisin"tallow，""fallow，"andsoon。"Uptoaslateas1847Mr。

Webster"sDictionaryhadtheimpudencetostillpronounce"basket"

bahsket，whenheknewthatoutsideofhislittleNewEnglandallAmericashortenedthe"a"andpaidnoattentiontohisEnglishbroadeningofit。

However，itcalleditselfanEnglishDictionary，soitwasproperenoughthatitshouldsticktoEnglishforms，perhaps。ItstillcallsitselfanEnglishDictionarytoday，butithasquietlyceasedtopronounce"basket"

asifitwerespelt"bahsket。"IntheAmericanlanguagethe"h"isrespected；the"h"isnotdroppedoraddedimproperly。"

"ThesameisthecaseinEngland——Imeanamongtheeducatedclasses，ofcourse。"

"Yes，thatistrue；butanation"slanguageisaverylargematter。

Itisnotsimplyamannerofspeechobtainingamongtheeducatedhandful；

themannerobtainingamongthevastuneducatedmultitudemustbeconsideredalso。YouruneducatedmassesspeakEnglish，youwillnotdenythat；ouruneducatedmassesspeakAmericanitwon"tbefairforyoutodenythat，foryoucansee，yourself，thatwhenyourstable-boysays，"Itisn"tthe"untingthat"urtsthe"orse，butthe"ammer，"ammer，"ammeronthe"ard"ighway，"andourstable-boymakesthesameremarkwithoutsuffocatingasingleh，thesetwopeoplearemanifestlytalkingtwodifferentlanguages。Butifthesignsaretohetrusted，evenyoureducatedclassesusedtodropthe"h。"Theysayhumble，now，andheroic，andhistoricetc。，butIjudgethattheyusedtodropthoseh"sbecauseyourwritersstillkeepupthefashionofpattinganbeforethosewordsinsteadofa。ThisiswhatMr。Darwinmightcalla"rudimentary"signthatasanwasjustifiableonce，andusefulwhenyoureducatedclassesused，tosay"umble，and"eroic，and"istorical。CorrectwritersoftheAmericanlanguagedonotputanbeforethreewords。"

TheEnglishgentlemanhadsomethingtosayuponthismatter，butnevermindwhathesaid——I"mnotarguinghiscase。Ihavehimatadisadvantage，now。Iproceeded:

"InEnglandyouencourageanoratorbyexclaiming，"H"yaah!h"yaah!"

Wepronounceitheerinsomesections，"h"yer"inothers，andsoon；butourwhitesdonotsay"h"yaah，"pronouncingthea"sliketheainah。

IhaveheardEnglishladiessay"don"tyou"——makingtwoseparateanddistinctwordsofit；yourMr。Burnandhassatirizedit。Butwealwayssay"dontchu。"Thisismuchbetter。Yourladiessay，"Oh，it"sofulnice!"Ourssay，"Oh，it"sawfulnice!"Wesay，"Fourhundred，"yousay"For"——asinthewordor。Yourclergymenspeakof"theLawd，"oursof"theLord"；yoursspeakof"thegawdsoftheheathen，"oursof"thegodsoftheheathen。"Whenyouareexhausted，yousayyouare"knockedup。"

Wedon"t。Whenyousayyouwilldoathing"directly，"youmean"immediately"；intheAmericanlanguage——generallyspeaking——thewordsignifies"afteralittle。"Whenyousay"clever，"youmean"capable"；

withusthewordusedtomean"accommodating，"butIdon"tknowwhatitmeansnow。Yourword"stout"means"fleshy"；ourword"stout"usuallymeans"strong。"Yourwords"gentleman"and"lady"haveaveryrestrictedmeaning；withustheyincludethebarmaid，butcher，burglar，harlot，andhorse-thief。Yousay，"Ihaven"tgotanystockingson，""Ihaven"tgotanymemory，""Ihaven"tgotanymoneyinmypurse；weusuallysay，"I

haven"tanystockingson，""Ihaven"tanymemory，!""Ihaven"tanymoneyinmypurse。"Yousay"outofwindow"；wealwaysputinathe。Ifoneasks"Howoldisthatman？"theBritonanswers，"Hewillbeaboutforty"；

intheAmericanlanguageweshouldsay，"Heisaboutforty。"However，Iwon"ttireyou，sir；butifIwantedto，IcouldpileupdifferenceshereuntilInotonlyconvincedyouthatEnglishandAmericanareseparatelanguages，butthatwhenIspeakmynativetongueinitsutmostpurityanEnglishmancan"tunderstandmeatall。"

"Idon"twishtoflatteryou，butitisaboutallIcandotounderstandyounow。"

Thatwasaveryprettycompliment，anditputusonthepleasantesttermsdirectly——IusethewordintheEnglishsense。

[Later——1882。Esthetesinmanyofourschoolsarenowbeginningtoteachthepupilstobroadenthe"a，"andtosay"don"tyou，"intheelegantforeignway。]

ROGERS

ThisManRogershappeneduponmeandintroducedhimselfatthetownof——，intheSouthofEngland，whereIstayedawhile。Hisstepfatherhadmarriedadistantrelativeofminewhowasafterwardhanged；andsoheseemedtothinkabloodrelationshipexistedbetweenus。Hecameineverydayandsatdownandtalked。Ofallthebland，serenehumancuriositiesIeversaw，Ithinkhewasthechiefest。Hedesiredtolookatmynewchimney-pothat。Iwasverywilling，forIthoughthewouldnoticethenameofthegreatOxfordStreethatterinit，andrespectmeaccordingly。Butheturneditaboutwithasortofgravecompassion，pointedouttwoorthreeblemishes，andsaidthatI，beingsorecentlyarrived，couldnotbeexpectedtoknowwheretosupplymyself。Saidhewouldsendmetheaddressofhishatter。Thenhesaid，"Pardonme，"andproceededtocutaneatcircleofredtissuepaper；daintilynotchedtheedgesofit；tookthemucilageandpasteditinmyhatsoastocoverthemanufacturer"sname。Hesaid，"Noonewillknownowwhereyougotit。

Iwillsendyouahat-tipofmyhatter，andyoucanpasteitoverthistissuecircle。"Itwasthecalmest，coolestthing——Ineveradmiredamansomuchinmylife。Mind，hedidthiswhilehisownhatsatoffensivelynearournoses，onthetable——anancientextinguisherofthe"slouch"

pattern，limpandshapelesswithage，discoloredbyvicissitudesoftheweather，andbandedbyanequatorofbear"sgreasethathadstewedthrough。

Anothertimeheexaminedmycoat。Ihadnoterrors，forovermytailor"sdoorwasthelegend，"BySpecialAppointmentTailortoH。R。H。thePrinceofWales，"etc。Ididnotknowatthetimethatthemostofthetailorshopshadthesamesignout，andthatwhereasittakesninetailorstomakeanordinaryman，ittakesahundredandfiftytomakeaprince。Hewasfullofcompassionformycoat。Wrotedowntheaddressofhistailorforme。Didnottellmetomentionmynomdeplumeandthetailorwouldputhisbestworkonmygarment，ascomplimentarypeoplesometimesdo，butsaidhistailorwouldhardlytroublehimselfforanunknownperson(unknownperson，whenIthoughtIwassocelebratedinEngland!——thatwasthecruelestcut)，butcautionedmetomentionhisname，anditwouldbeallright。Thinkingtobefacetious，Isaid:

"Buthemightsitupallnightandinjurehishealth。"

"Well，lethim，"saidRogers；"I"vedoneenoughforhim，forhimtoshowsomeappreciationofit。"

Imightaswellhavetriedtodisconcertamummywithmyfacetiousness。

SaidRogers:"Igetallmycoatsthere——they"retheonlycoatsfittobeseenin。"

Imadeonemoreattempt。Isaid，"Iwishyouhadbroughtonewithyou——

Iwouldliketolookatit。"

"Blessyourheart，haven"tIgotoneon？——thisarticleisMorgan"smake。"

Iexaminedit。Thecoathadbeenboughtready-made，ofaChathamStreetJew，withoutanyquestion——about1848。Itprobablycostfourdollarswhenitwasnew。Itwasripped，itwasfrayed，itwasnaplessandgreasy。Icouldnotresistshowinghimwhereitwasripped。ItsoaffectedhimthatIwasalmostsorryIhaddoneit。Firstheseemedplungedintoabottomlessabyssofgrief。Thenherousedhimself，madeafeintwithhishandsasifwavingoffthepityofanation，andsaid——

withwhatseemedtomeamanufacturedemotion——"Nomatter；nomatter；

don"tmindme；donotbotheraboutit。Icangetanother。"

Whenhewasthoroughlyrestored，sothathecouldexaminetheripandcommandhisfeelings，hesaid，ah，nowheunderstoodit——hisservantmusthavedoneitwhiledressinghimthatmorning。

Hisservant!Therewassomethingawe-inspiringineffronterylikethis。

Nearlyeverydayheinterestedhimselfinsomearticleofmyclothing。

Onewouldhardlyhaveexpectedthissortofinfatuationinamanwhoalwaysworethesamesuit，anditasuitthatseemedcoevalwiththeConquest。

Itwasanunworthyambition，perhaps，butIdidwishIcouldmakethismanadmiresomethingaboutmeorsomethingIdid——youwouldhavefeltthesameway。Isawmyopportunity:IwasabouttoreturntoLondon，andhad"listed"mysoiledlinenforthe，wash。Itmadequiteauimposingmountaininthecorneroftheroom——fifty-fourpieces。Ihopedhewouldfancyitwastheaccumulationofasingleweek。Itookupthewash-list，asiftoseethatitwasallright，andthentosseditonthetable，withpretendedforgetfulness。Sureenough，hetookit。upandranhiseyealongdowntothegrandtotal。Thenhesaid，"Yougetoffeasy，"andlaiditdownagain。

Hisgloveswerethesaddestruin，buthetoldmewhereIcouldgetsomelikethem。Hisshoeswouldhardlyholdwalnutswithoutleaking，buthelikedtoputhisfeetuponthemantelpieceandcontemplatethem。

Heworeadimglassbreastpin，whichhecalleda"morphyliticdiamond"——

whateverthatmaymean——andsaidonlytwoofthemhadeverbeenfound——theEmperorofChinahadtheotherone。

Afterward，inLondon，itwasapleasuretometoseethisfantasticvagabondcomemarchingintothelobbyofthehotelinhisgrand-ducalway，forhealwayshadsomenewimaginarygrandeurtodevelop——therewasnothingstaleabouthimbuthisclothes。Ifheaddressedmewhenstrangerswereabout，healwaysraisedhisvoicealittleandcalledme"SirRichard，"or"General，"or"YourLordship"——andwhenpeoplebegantostareandlookdeferential，hewouldfalltoinquiringinacasualwaywhyIdisappointedtheDukeofArgyllthenightbefore；andthenremindmeofourengagementattheDukeofWestminster"sforthefollowingday。

Ithinkthatforthetimebeingthesethingswererealitiestohim。HeoncecameandinvitedmetogowithhimandspendtheeveningwiththeEarlofWarwickathistownhouse。IsaidIhadreceivednoformalinvitation。Hesaidthatthatwasofnoconsequence，theEarlhadnoformalitiesforhimorhisfriends。IaskedifIcouldgojustasIwas。

Hesaidno，thatwouldhardlydo；eveningdresswasrequisiteatnightinanygentleman"shouse。HesaidhewouldwaitwhileIdressed，andthenwewouldgotohisapartmentsandIcouldtakeabottleofchampagneandacigarwhilehedressed。Iwasverywillingtoseehowthisenterprisewouldturnout，soIdressed，andwestartedtohislodgings。HesaidifIdidn"tmindwewouldwalk。Sowetrampedsomefourmilesthroughthemudandfog，andfinallyfoundhis"apartments"；theyconsistedofasingleroomoverabarber"sshopinabackstreet。Twochairs，asmalltable，anancientvalise，awash-basinandpitcher(bothonthefloorinacorner)，anunmadebed，afragmentofalooking-glass，andaflower-

pot，withaperishinglittlerosegeraniuminit，whichhecalledacenturyplant，andsaidithadnotbloomednowforupwardoftwocenturies——giventohimbythelateLordPalmerston(beenofferedaprodigioussumforit)——thesewerethecontentsoftheroom。Alsoabrasscandlestickandapartofacandle。Rogerslitthecandle，andtoldmetositdownandmakemyselfathome。HesaidhehopedIwasthirsty，becausehewouldsurprisemypalatewithanarticleofchampagnethatseldomgotintoacommoner"ssystem；orwouldIprefersherry，orport？Saidhehadportinbottlesthatwereswathedinstratifiedcobwebs，everystratumrepresentingageneration。Andasforhiscigars——

well，Ishouldjudgeofthemmyself。Thenheputhisheadoutatthedoorandcalled:

"Sackville!"Noanswer。

"Hi-Sackville!"Noanswer。

"Nowwhatthedevilcanhavebecomeofthatbutler？Ineverallowaservantto——Oh，confoundthatidiot，he"sgotthekeys。Can"tgetintotheotherroomswithoutthekeys。"

(Iwasjustwonderingathisintrepidityinstillkeepingupthedelusionofthechampagne，andtryingtoimaginehowhewasgoingtogetoutofthedifficulty。)

NowhestoppedcallingSackvilleandbegantocall"Anglesy。"ButAnglesydidn"tcome。Hesaid，"Thisisthesecondtimethatthatequerryhasbeenabsentwithoutleave。To-morrowI"lldischargehim。"Nowhebegantowhoopfor"Thomas，"butThomasdidn"tanswer。Thenfor"Theodore，"butnoTheodorereplied。

"Well，Igiveitup，"saidRogers。"Theservantsneverexpectmeatthishour，andsothey"realloffonalark。Mightgetalongwithouttheequerryandthepage，butcan"thaveanywineorcigarswithoutthebutler，andcan"tdresswithoutmyvalet。"

Iofferedtohelphimdress，buthewouldnothearofit；andbesides，hesaidhewouldnotfeelcomfortableunlessdressedbyapractisedhand。

However，hefinallyconcludedthathewassucholdfriendswiththeEarlthatitwouldnotmakeanydifferencehowhewasdressed。Sowetookacab，hegavethedriversomedirections，andwestarted。Byandbywestoppedbeforealargehouseandgotout。Ineverhadseenthismanwithacollaron。Henowsteppedunderalampandgotavenerablepapercollaroutofhiscoatpocket，alongwithahoarycravat，andputthemon。Heascendedthestoop，andentered。Presentlyhereappeared，descendedrapidly，andsaid:

"Come-quick!"

Wehurriedaway，andturnedthecorner。

"Nowwe"resafe，"hesaid，andtookoffhiscollarandcravatandreturnedthemtohispocket。

"Madeamightynarrowescape，"saidhe。

"How？"saidI。

"B"George，theCountesswasthere!"

"Well，whatofthat？——don"tsheknowyou？"

"Knowme？Absolutelyworshipsme。Ijustdidhappentocatchaglimpseofherbeforeshesawme——andoutIshot。Haven"tseenherfortwomonths——torushinonherwithoutanywarningmighthavebeenfatal。

Shecouldnothavestoodit。Ididn"tknowshewasintown——thoughtshewasatthecastle。Letmeleanonyou——justamoment——there；nowIambetter——thankyou；thankyoueversomuch。Lordblessme，whatanescape!"

SoInevergottocallontheEarl，afterall。ButImarkedthehouseforfuturereference。Itprovedtobeanordinaryfamilyhotel，withaboutathousandplebeiansroostinginit。

InmostthingsRogerswasbynomeansafool。Insomethingsitwasplainenoughthathewasafool，buthecertainlydidnotknowit。

Hewasinthe"deadest"earnestinthesematters。Hediedatsea，lastsummer，asthe"EarlofRamsgate。"