第7章

shewasbentupongoingasusual；sosheorderedthecarriage，andI

wentwithher:nothingloth，ofcourse，foratchurchImightlookwithoutfearofscornorcensureuponaformandfacemorepleasingtomethanthemostbeautifulofGod"screations；Imightlistenwithoutdisturbancetoavoicemorecharmingthanthesweetestmusictomyears；ImightseemtoholdcommunionwiththatsoulinwhichIfeltsodeeplyinterested，andimbibeitspurestthoughtsandholiestaspirations，withnoalloytosuchfelicityexceptthesecretreproachesofmyconscience，whichwouldtoooftenwhisperthatIwasdeceivingmyownself，andmockingGodwiththeserviceofaheartmorebentuponthecreaturethantheCreator。

Sometimes，suchthoughtswouldgivemetroubleenough；butsometimesIcouldquietthemwiththinking-itisnottheman，itishisgoodnessthatIlove。"Whatsoeverthingsarepure，whatsoeverthingsarelovely，whatsoeverthingsarehonestandofgoodreport，thinkonthesethings。"WedowelltoworshipGodinHisworks；andIknownoneoftheminwhichsomanyofHisattributes-somuchofHisownspiritshines，asinthisHisfaithfulservant；whomtoknowandnottoappreciate，wereobtuseinsensibilityinme，whohavesolittleelsetooccupymyheart。

Almostimmediatelyaftertheconclusionoftheservice，MissMurrayleftthechurch。Wehadtostandintheporch，foritwasraining，andthecarriagewasnotyetcome。Iwonderedathercomingforthsohastily，forneitheryoungMelthamnorSquireGreenwasthere；

butIsoonfounditwastosecureaninterviewwithMr。Westonashecameout，whichhepresentlydid。Havingsalutedusboth，hewouldhavepassedon，butshedetainedhim；firstwithobservationsuponthedisagreeableweather，andthenwithaskingifhewouldbesokindastocomesometimeto-morrowtoseethegranddaughteroftheoldwomanwhokepttheporter"slodge，forthegirlwasillofafever，andwishedtoseehim。Hepromisedtodoso。

"Andatwhattimewillyoubemostlikelytocome，Mr。Weston？

Theoldwomanwillliketoknowwhentoexpectyou-youknowsuchpeoplethinkmoreabouthavingtheircottagesinorderwhendecentpeoplecometoseethemthanweareapttosuppose。"

HerewasawonderfulinstanceofconsiderationfromthethoughtlessMissMurray。Mr。Westonnamedanhourinthemorningatwhichhewouldendeavour，tobethere。Bythistimethecarriagewasready，andthefootmanwaswaiting，withanopenumbrella，toescortMissMurraythroughthechurchyard。Iwasabouttofollow；butMr。

Westonhadanumbrellatoo，andofferedmethebenefitofitsshelter，foritwasrainingheavily。

"No，thankyou，Idon"tmindtherain，"Isaid。Ialwayslackedcommonsensewhentakenbysurprise。

"Butyoudon"tLIKEit，Isuppose？-anumbrellawilldoyounoharmatanyrate，"hereplied，withasmilethatshowedhewasnotoffended；asamanofworsetemperorlesspenetrationwouldhavebeenatsucharefusalofhisaid。Icouldnotdenythetruthofhisassertion，andsowentwithhimtothecarriage；heevenofferedmehishandongettingin:anunnecessarypieceofcivility，butIacceptedthattoo，forfearofgivingoffence。

Oneglancehegave，onelittlesmileatparting-itwasbutforamoment；butthereinIread，orthoughtIread，ameaningthatkindledinmyheartabrighterflameofhopethanhadeveryetarisen。

"Iwouldhavesentthefootmanbackforyou，MissGrey，ifyou"dwaitedamoment-youneedn"thavetakenMr。Weston"sumbrella，"

observedRosalie，withaveryunamiableclouduponherprettyface。

"Iwouldhavecomewithoutanumbrella，butMr。Westonofferedmethebenefitofhis，andIcouldnothaverefuseditmorethanIdidwithoutoffendinghim，"repliedI，smilingplacidly；formyinwardhappinessmadethatamusing，whichwouldhavewoundedmeatanothertime。

Thecarriagewasnowinmotion。MissMurraybentforwards，andlookedoutofthewindowaswewerepassingMr。Weston。Hewaspacinghomewardsalongthecauseway，anddidnotturnhishead。

"Stupidass!"criedshe，throwingherselfbackagainintheseat。

"Youdon"tknowwhatyou"velostbynotlookingthisway!"

"Whathashelost？"

"Abowfromme，thatwouldhaveraisedhimtotheseventhheaven!"

Imadenoanswer。Isawshewasoutofhumour，andIderivedasecretgratificationfromthefact，notthatshewasvexed，butthatshethoughtshehadreasontobeso。Itmademethinkmyhopeswerenotentirelytheoffspringofmywishesandimagination。

"ImeantotakeupMr。WestoninsteadofMr。Hatfield，"saidmycompanion，afterashortpause，resumingsomethingofherusualcheerfulness。"TheballatAshbyParktakesplaceonTuesday，youknow；andmammathinksitverylikelythatSirThomaswillproposetomethen:suchthingsareoftendoneintheprivacyoftheball-

room，whengentlemenaremosteasilyensnared，andladiesmostenchanting。ButifIamtobemarriedsosoon，Imustmakethebestofthepresenttime:IamdeterminedHatfieldshallnotbetheonlymanwhoshalllayhisheartatmyfeet，andimploremetoaccepttheworthlessgiftinvain。"

"IfyoumeanMr。Westontobeoneofyourvictims，"saidI，withaffectedindifference，"youwillhavetomakesuchoverturesyourselfthatyouwillfinditdifficulttodrawbackwhenheasksyoutofulfiltheexpectationsyouhaveraised。"

"Idon"tsupposehewillaskmetomarryhim，norshouldIdesireit:thatwouldberathertoomuchpresumption!butIintendhimtofeelmypower。Hehasfeltitalready，indeed:butheshallACKNOWLEDGEittoo；andwhatvisionaryhopeshemayhave，hemustkeeptohimself，andonlyamusemewiththeresultofthem-foratime。"

"Oh!thatsomekindspiritwouldwhisperthosewordsinhisear，"I

inwardlyexclaimed。Iwasfartooindignanttohazardareplytoherobservationaloud；andnothingmorewassaidaboutMr。Westonthatday，bymeorinmyhearing。Butnextmorning，soonafterbreakfast，MissMurraycameintotheschoolroom，wherehersisterwasemployedatherstudies，orratherherlessons，forstudiestheywerenot，andsaid，"Matilda，Iwantyoutotakeawalkwithmeabouteleveno"clock。"

"Oh，Ican"t，Rosalie!Ihavetogiveordersaboutmynewbridleandsaddle-cloth，andspeaktotherat-catcherabouthisdogs:

MissGreymustgowithyou。"

"No，Iwantyou，"saidRosalie；andcallinghersistertothewindow，shewhisperedanexplanationinherear；uponwhichthelatterconsentedtogo。

IrememberedthatelevenwasthehouratwhichMr。Westonproposedtocometotheporter"slodge；andrememberingthat，Ibeheldthewholecontrivance。Accordingly，atdinner，IwasentertainedwithalongaccountofhowMr。Westonhadovertakenthemastheywerewalkingalongtheroad；andhowtheyhadhadalongwalkandtalkwithhim，andreallyfoundhimquiteanagreeablecompanion；andhowhemusthavebeen，andevidentlywas，delightedwiththemandtheiramazingcondescension，&；c。&；c。

chapter17

CHAPTERXVII-CONFESSIONS

ASIaminthewayofconfessionsImayaswellacknowledgethat，aboutthistime，IpaidmoreattentiontodressthaneverIhaddonebefore。Thisisnotsayingmuch-forhithertoIhadbeenalittleneglectfulinthatparticular；butnow，also，itwasnouncommonthingtospendasmuchastwominutesinthecontemplationofmyownimageintheglass；thoughInevercouldderiveanyconsolationfromsuchastudy。Icoulddiscovernobeautyinthosemarkedfeatures，thatpalehollowcheek，andordinarydarkbrownhair；theremightbeintellectintheforehead，theremightbeexpressioninthedarkgreyeyes，butwhatofthat？-alowGrecianbrow，andlargeblackeyesdevoidofsentimentwouldbeesteemedfarpreferable。Itisfoolishtowishforbeauty。Sensiblepeoplenevereitherdesireitforthemselvesorcareaboutitinothers。

Ifthemindbebutwellcultivated，andtheheartwelldisposed，nooneevercaresfortheexterior。Sosaidtheteachersofourchildhood；andsosaywetothechildrenofthepresentday。Allveryjudiciousandproper，nodoubt；butaresuchassertionssupportedbyactualexperience？

Wearenaturallydisposedtolovewhatgivesuspleasure，andwhatmorepleasingthanabeautifulface-whenweknownoharmofthepossessoratleast？Alittlegirllovesherbird-Why？

Becauseitlivesandfeels；becauseitishelplessandharmless？Atoad，likewise，livesandfeels，andisequallyhelplessandharmless；

butthoughshewouldnothurtatoad，shecannotloveitlikethebird，withitsgracefulform，softfeathers，andbright，speakingeyes。Ifawomanisfairandamiable，sheispraisedforbothqualities，butespeciallytheformer，bythebulkofmankind:

if，ontheotherhand，sheisdisagreeableinpersonandcharacter，herplainnessiscommonlyinveighedagainstashergreatestcrime，because，tocommonobservers，itgivesthegreatestoffence；while，ifsheisplainandgood，providedsheisapersonofretiredmannersandsecludedlife，nooneeverknowsofhergoodness，exceptherimmediateconnections。Others，onthecontrary，aredisposedtoformunfavourableopinionsofhermind，anddisposition，ifitbebuttoexcusethemselvesfortheirinstinctivedislikeofonesounfavouredbynature；andVISAVERSA

withherwhoseangelformconcealsaviciousheart，orshedsafalse，deceitfulcharmoverdefectsandfoiblesthatwouldnotbetoleratedinanother。Theythathavebeauty，letthembethankfulforit，andmakeagooduseofit，likeanyothertalent；theythathaveitnot，letthemconsolethemselves，anddothebesttheycanwithoutit:certainly，thoughliabletobeover-estimated，itisagiftofGod，andnottobedespised。Manywillfeelthiswhohavefeltthattheycouldlove，andwhoseheartstellthemthattheyareworthytobelovedagain；whileyettheyaredebarred，bythelackofthisorsomesuchseemingtrifle，fromgivingandreceivingthathappinesstheyseemalmostmadetofeelandtoimpart。Aswellmightthehumbleglowwormdespisethatpowerofgivinglightwithoutwhichtherovingflymightpassherandrepassherathousandtimes，andneverrestbesideher:shemighthearherwingeddarlingbuzzingoverandaroundher；hevainlyseekingher，shelongingtobefound，butwithnopowertomakeherpresenceknown，novoicetocallhim，nowingstofollowhisflight；-theflymustseekanothermate，thewormmustliveanddiealone。

Suchweresomeofmyreflectionsaboutthisperiod。Imightgoonprosingmoreandmore，Imightdivemuchdeeper，anddiscloseotherthoughts，proposequestionsthereadermightbepuzzledtoanswer，anddeduceargumentsthatmightstartlehisprejudices，or，perhaps，provokehisridicule，becausehecouldnotcomprehendthem；butIforbear。

Now，therefore，letusreturntoMissMurray。SheaccompaniedhermammatotheballonTuesday；ofcoursesplendidlyattired，anddelightedwithherprospectsandhercharms。AsAshbyParkwasnearlytenmilesdistantfromHortonLodge，theyhadtosetoutprettyearly，andIintendedtohavespenttheeveningwithNancyBrown，whomIhadnotseenforalongtime；butmykindpupiltookcareIshouldspenditneithertherenoranywhereelsebeyondthelimitsoftheschoolroom，bygivingmeapieceofmusictocopy，whichkeptmecloselyoccupiedtillbed-time。Aboutelevennextmorning，assoonasshehadleftherroom，shecametotellmehernews。SirThomashadindeedproposedtoherattheball；aneventwhichreflectedgreatcreditonhermamma"ssagacity，ifnotuponherskillincontrivance。Iratherinclinetothebeliefthatshehadfirstlaidherplans，andthenpredictedtheirsuccess。Theofferhadbeenaccepted，ofcourse，andthebridegroomelectwascomingthatdaytosettlematterswithMr。Murray。

RosaliewaspleasedwiththethoughtsofbecomingmistressofAshbyPark；shewaselatedwiththeprospectofthebridalceremonyanditsattendantsplendourandeclat，thehoneymoonspentabroad，andthesubsequentgaietiessheexpectedtoenjoyinLondonandelsewhere；sheappearedprettywellpleasedtoo，forthetimebeing，withSirThomashimself，becauseshehadsolatelyseenhim，dancedwithhim，andbeenflatteredbyhim；but，afterall，sheseemedtoshrinkfromtheideaofbeingsosoonunited:shewishedtheceremonytobedelayedsomemonths，atleast；andIwishedittoo。Itseemedahorriblethingtohurryontheinauspiciousmatch，andnottogivethepoorcreaturetimetothinkandreasonontheirrevocablestepshewasabouttotake。Imadenopretensionto"amother"swatchful，anxiouscare，"butIwasamazedandhorrifiedatMrs。Murray"sheartlessness，orwantofthoughtfortherealgoodofherchild；andbymyunheededwarningsandexhortations，Ivainlystrovetoremedytheevil。MissMurrayonlylaughedatwhatIsaid；andIsoonfoundthatherreluctancetoanimmediateunionarosechieflyfromadesiretodowhatexecutionshecouldamongtheyounggentlemenofheracquaintance，beforeshewasincapacitatedfromfurthermischiefofthekind。Itwasforthiscausethat，beforeconfidingtomethesecretofherengagement，shehadextractedapromisethatIwouldnotmentionawordonthesubjecttoanyone。AndwhenIsawthis，andwhenI

beheldherplungemorerecklesslythaneverintothedepthsofheartlesscoquetry，Ihadnomorepityforher。"Comewhatwill，"

Ithought，"shedeservesit。SirThomascannotbetoobadforher；

andthesoonersheisincapacitatedfromdeceivingandinjuringothersthebetter。"

TheweddingwasfixedforthefirstofJune。Betweenthatandthecriticalballwaslittlemorethansixweeks；but，withRosalie"saccomplishedskillandresoluteexertion，muchmightbedone，evenwithinthatperiod；especiallyasSirThomasspentmostoftheinteriminLondon；whitherhewentup，itwassaid，tosettleaffairswithhislawyer，andmakeotherpreparationsfortheapproachingnuptials。Heendeavouredtosupplythewantofhispresencebyaprettyconstantfireofbillets-doux；butthesedidnotattracttheneighbours"attention，andopentheireyes，aspersonalvisitswouldhavedone；andoldLadyAshby"shaughty，sourspiritofreservewithheldherfromspreadingthenews，whileherindifferenthealthpreventedhercomingtovisitherfuturedaughter-in-law；sothat，altogether，thisaffairwaskeptfarcloserthansuchthingsusuallyare。

Rosaliewouldsometimesshowherlover"sepistlestome，toconvincemewhatakind，devotedhusbandhewouldmake。Sheshowedmethelettersofanotherindividual，too，theunfortunateMr。

Green，whohadnotthecourage，or，assheexpressedit，the"spunk，"topleadhiscauseinperson，butwhomonedenialwouldnotsatisfy:hemustwriteagainandagain。Hewouldnothavedonesoifhecouldhaveseenthegrimaceshisfairidolmadeoverhismovingappealstoherfeelings，andheardherscornfullaughter，andtheopprobriousepithetssheheapeduponhimforhisperseverance。

"Whydon"tyoutellhim，atonce，thatyouareengaged？"Iasked。

"Oh，Idon"twanthimtoknowthat，"repliedshe。"Ifheknewit，hissistersandeverybodywouldknowit，andthentherewouldbeanendofmy-ahem!And，besides，ifItoldhimthat，hewouldthinkmyengagementwastheonlyobstacle，andthatIwouldhavehimifI

werefree；whichIcouldnotbearthatanymanshouldthink，andhe，ofallothers，atleast。Besides，Idon"tcareforhisletters，"sheadded，contemptuously；"hemaywriteasoftenashepleases，andlookasgreatacalfashelikeswhenImeethim；itonlyamusesme。"

Meantime，youngMelthamwasprettyfrequentinhisvisitstothehouseortransitspastit；and，judgingbyMatilda"sexecrationsandreproaches，hersisterpaidmoreattentiontohimthancivilityrequired；inotherwords，shecarriedonasanimatedaflirtationasthepresenceofherparentswouldadmit。ShemadesomeattemptstobringMr。Hatfieldoncemoretoherfeet；butfindingthemunsuccessful，sherepaidhishaughtyindifferencewithstillloftierscorn，andspokeofhimwithasmuchdisdainanddetestationasshehadformerlydoneofhiscurate。But，amidallthis，sheneverforamomentlostsightofMr。Weston。Sheembracedeveryopportunityofmeetinghim，triedeveryarttofascinatehim，andpursuedhimwithasmuchperseveranceasifshereallylovedhimandnoother，andthehappinessofherlifedependeduponelicitingareturnofaffection。Suchconductwascompletelybeyondmycomprehension。HadIseenitdepictedinanovel，Ishouldhavethoughtitunnatural；hadIhearditdescribedbyothers，Ishouldhavedeemeditamistakeoranexaggeration；

butwhenIsawitwithmyowneyes，andsufferedfromittoo，I

couldonlyconcludethatexcessivevanity，likedrunkenness，hardenstheheart，enslavesthefaculties，andpervertsthefeelings；andthatdogsarenottheonlycreatureswhich，whengorgedtothethroat，willyetgloatoverwhattheycannotdevour，andgrudgethesmallestmorseltoastarvingbrother。

Shenowbecameextremelybeneficenttothepoorcottagers。Heracquaintanceamongthemwasmorewidelyextended，hervisitstotheirhumbledwellingsweremorefrequentandexcursivethantheyhadeverbeenbefore。Hereby，sheearnedamongthemthereputationofacondescendingandverycharitableyounglady；andtheirencomiumsweresuretoberepeatedtoMr。Weston:whomalsoshehadthusadailychanceofmeetinginoneorotheroftheirabodes，orinhertransitstoandfro；andoften，likewise，shecouldgather，throughtheirgossip，towhatplaceshewaslikelytogoatsuchandsuchatime，whethertobaptizeachild，ortovisittheaged，thesick，thesad，orthedying；andmostskilfullyshelaidherplansaccordingly。Intheseexcursionsshewouldsometimesgowithhersister-whom，bysomemeans，shehadpersuadedorbribedtoenterintoherschemes-sometimesalone，never，now，withme；

sothatIwasdebarredthepleasureofseeingMr。Weston，orhearinghisvoiceeveninconversationwithanother:whichwouldcertainlyhavebeenaverygreatpleasure，howeverhurtfulorhoweverfraughtwithpain。Icouldnotevenseehimatchurch:

forMissMurray，undersometrivialpretext，chosetotakepossessionofthatcornerinthefamilypewwhichhadbeenmineeversinceIcame；and，unlessIhadthepresumptiontostationmyselfbetweenMr。andMrs。Murray，Imustsitwithmybacktothepulpit，whichIaccordinglydid。

Now，also，Ineverwalkedhomewithmypupils:theysaidtheirmammathoughtitdidnotlookwelltoseethreepeopleoutofthefamilywalking，andonlytwogoinginthecarriage；and，astheygreatlypreferredwalkinginfineweather，Ishouldbehonouredbygoingwiththeseniors。"Andbesides，"saidthey，"youcan"twalkasfastaswedo；youknowyou"realwayslaggingbehind。"Iknewthesewerefalseexcuses，butImadenoobjections，andnevercontradictedsuchassertions，wellknowingthemotiveswhichdictatedthem。Andintheafternoons，duringthosesixmemorableweeks，Ineverwenttochurchatall。IfIhadacold，oranyslightindisposition，theytookadvantageofthattomakemestayathome；andoftentheywouldtellmetheywerenotgoingagainthatday，themselves，andthenpretendtochangetheirminds，andsetoffwithouttellingme:somanagingtheirdeparturethatI

neverdiscoveredthechangeofpurposetilltoolate。Upontheirreturnhome，ononeoftheseoccasions，theyentertainedmewithananimatedaccountofaconversationtheyhadhadwithMr。Westonastheycamealong。"Andheaskedifyouwereill，MissGrey，"saidMatilda；"butwetoldhimyouwerequitewell，onlyyoudidn"twanttocometochurch-sohe"llthinkyou"returnedwicked。"

Allchancemeetingsonweek-dayswerelikewisecarefullyprevented；

for，lestIshouldgotoseepoorNancyBrownoranyotherperson，MissMurraytookgoodcaretoprovidesufficientemploymentforallmyleisurehours。Therewasalwayssomedrawingtofinish，somemusictocopy，orsomeworktodo，sufficienttoincapacitatemefromindulginginanythingbeyondashortwalkaboutthegrounds，howeversheorhersistermightbeoccupied。

Onemorning，havingsoughtandwaylaidMr。Weston，theyreturnedinhighgleetogivemeanaccountoftheirinterview。"Andheaskedafteryouagain，"saidMatilda，inspiteofhersister"ssilentbutimperativeintimationthatsheshouldholdhertongue。"Hewonderedwhyyouwereneverwithus，andthoughtyoumusthavedelicatehealth，asyoucameoutsoseldom。"

"Hedidn"tMatilda-whatnonsenseyou"retalking!"

"Oh，Rosalie，whatalie!Hedid，youknow；andyousaid-Don"t，Rosalie-hangit!-Iwon"tbepinchedso!And，MissGrey，Rosalietoldhimyouwerequitewell，butyouwerealwayssoburiedinyourbooksthatyouhadnopleasureinanythingelse。"

"Whatanideahemusthaveofme!"Ithought。

"And，"Iasked，"doesoldNancyeverinquireaboutme？"

"Yes；andwetellheryouaresofondofreadinganddrawingthatyoucandonothingelse。"

"Thatisnotthecasethough；ifyouhadtoldherIwassobusyI

couldnotcometoseeher，itwouldhavebeennearerthetruth。"

"Idon"tthinkitwould，"repliedMissMurray，suddenlykindlingup；"I"msureyouhaveplentyoftimetoyourselfnow，whenyouhavesolittleteachingtodo。"

Itwasnousebeginningtodisputewithsuchindulged，unreasoningcreatures:soIheldmypeace。Iwasaccustomed，now，tokeepingsilencewhenthingsdistastefultomyearwereuttered；andnow，too，Iwasusedtowearingaplacidsmilingcountenancewhenmyheartwasbitterwithinme。Onlythosewhohavefeltthelikecanimaginemyfeelings，asIsatwithanassumptionofsmilingindifference，listeningtotheaccountsofthosemeetingsandinterviewswithMr。Weston，whichtheyseemedtofindsuchpleasureindescribingtome；andhearingthingsassertedofhimwhich，fromthecharacteroftheman，Iknewtobeexaggerationsandperversionsofthetruth，ifnotentirelyfalse-thingsderogatorytohim，andflatteringtothem-especiallytoMissMurray-whichIburnedtocontradict，or，atleast，toshowmydoubtsabout，butdarednot；lest，inexpressingmydisbelief，Ishoulddisplaymyinteresttoo。OtherthingsIheard，whichIfeltorfearedwereindeedtootrue:butImuststillconcealmyanxietyrespectinghim，myindignationagainstthem，beneathacarelessaspect；

others，again，merehintsofsomethingsaidordone，whichIlongedtohearmoreof，butcouldnotventuretoinquire。Sopassedthewearytime。Icouldnotevencomfortmyselfwithsaying，"Shewillsoonbemarried；andthentheremaybehope。"

Soonafterhermarriagetheholidayswouldcome；andwhenI

returnedfromhome，mostlikely，Mr。Westonwouldbegone，forI

wastoldthatheandtheRectorcouldnotagree(theRector"sfault，ofcourse)，andhewasabouttoremovetoanotherplace。

No-besidesmyhopeinGod，myonlyconsolationwasinthinkingthat，thoughheknowitnot，IwasmoreworthyofhislovethanRosalieMurray，charmingandengagingasshewas；forIcouldappreciatehisexcellence，whichshecouldnot:Iwoulddevotemylifetothepromotionofhishappiness；shewoulddestroyhishappinessforthemomentarygratificationofherownvanity。"Oh，ifhecouldbutknowthedifference!"Iwouldearnestlyexclaim。

"Butno!Iwouldnothavehimseemyheart:yet，ifhecouldbutknowherhollowness，herworthless，heartlessfrivolity，hewouldthenbesafe，andIshouldbe-ALMOSThappy，thoughImightneverseehimmore!"

Ifear，bythistime，thereaderiswellnighdisgustedwiththefollyandweaknessIhavesofreelylaidbeforehim。Ineverdiscloseditthen，andwouldnothavedonesohadmyownsisterormymotherbeenwithmeinthehouse。Iwasacloseandresolutedissembler-inthisonecaseatleast。Myprayers，mytears，mywishes，fears，andlamentations，werewitnessedbymyselfandheavenalone。

Whenweareharassedbysorrowsoranxieties，orlongoppressedbyanypowerfulfeelingswhichwemustkeeptoourselves，forwhichwecanobtainandseeknosympathyfromanylivingcreature，andwhichyetwecannot，orwillnotwhollycrush，weoftennaturallyseekreliefinpoetry-andoftenfindit，too-whetherintheeffusionsofothers，whichseemtoharmonizewithourexistingcase，orinourownattemptstogiveutterancetothosethoughtsandfeelingsinstrainslessmusical，perchance，butmoreappropriate，andthereforemorepenetratingandsympathetic，and，forthetime，moresoothing，ormorepowerfultorouseandtounburdentheoppressedandswollenheart。Beforethistime，atWellwoodHouseandhere，whensufferingfromhome-sickmelancholy，Ihadsoughtrelieftwiceorthriceatthissecretsourceofconsolation；andnowIflewtoitagain，withgreateraviditythanever，becauseIseemedtoneeditmore。Istillpreservethoserelicsofpastsufferingsandexperience，likepillarsofwitnesssetupintravellingthroughthevaleoflife，tomarkparticularoccurrences。Thefootstepsareobliteratednow；thefaceofthecountrymaybechanged；butthepillarisstillthere，toremindmehowallthingswerewhenitwasreared。Lestthereadershouldbecurioustoseeanyoftheseeffusions，Iwillfavourhimwithoneshortspecimen:coldandlanguidasthelinesmayseem，itwasalmostapassionofgrieftowhichtheyowedtheirbeing:-

Oh，theyhaverobbedmeofthehopeMyspiritheldsodear；

TheywillnotletmehearthatvoiceMysouldelightstohear。

TheywillnotletmeseethatfaceIsodelighttosee；

Andtheyhavetakenallthysmiles，Andallthylovefromme。

Well，letthemseizeonalltheycan；-

Onetreasurestillismine，-

Aheartthatlovestothinkonthee，Andfeelstheworthofthine。

Yes，atleast，theycouldnotdeprivemeofthat:Icouldthinkofhimdayandnight；andIcouldfeelthathewasworthytobethoughtof。NobodyknewhimasIdid；nobodycouldappreciatehimasIdid；nobodycouldlovehimasI-could，ifImight:buttherewastheevil。WhatbusinesshadItothinksomuchofonethatneverthoughtofme？Wasitnotfoolish？wasitnotwrong？

Yet，ifIfoundsuchdeepdelightinthinkingofhim，andifIkeptthosethoughtstomyself，andtroublednooneelsewiththem，wherewastheharmofit？Iwouldaskmyself。Andsuchreasoningpreventedmefrommakinganysufficientefforttoshakeoffmyfetters。

But，ifthosethoughtsbroughtdelight，itwasapainful，troubledpleasure，toonearakintoanguish；andonethatdidmemoreinjurythanIwasawareof。Itwasanindulgencethatapersonofmorewisdomormoreexperiencewoulddoubtlesshavedeniedherself。

Andyet，howdrearytoturnmyeyesfromthecontemplationofthatbrightobjectandforcethemtodwellonthedull，grey，desolateprospectaround:thejoyless，hopeless，solitarypaththatlaybeforeme。Itwaswrongtobesojoyless，sodesponding；IshouldhavemadeGodmyfriend，andtodoHiswillthepleasureandthebusinessofmylife；butfaithwasweak，andpassionwastoostrong。

InthistimeoftroubleIhadtwoothercausesofaffliction。

Thefirstmayseematrifle，butitcostmemanyatear:Snap，mylittledumb，rough-visaged，butbright-eyed，warm-heartedcompanion，theonlythingIhadtoloveme，wastakenaway，anddeliveredovertothetendermerciesofthevillagerat-catcher，amannotoriousforhisbrutaltreatmentofhiscanineslaves。Theotherwasseriousenough；mylettersfromhomegaveintimationthatmyfather"shealthwasworse。Nobodingfearswereexpressed，butIwasgrowntimidanddespondent，andcouldnothelpfearingthatsomedreadfulcalamityawaitedusthere。Iseemedtoseetheblackcloudsgatheringroundmynativehills，andtoheartheangrymutteringofastormthatwasabouttoburst，anddesolateourhearth。

chapter18

CHAPTERXVIII-MIRTHANDMOURNING

THE1stofJunearrivedatlast:andRosalieMurraywastransmutedintoLadyAshby。Mostsplendidlybeautifulshelookedinherbridalcostume。Uponherreturnfromchurch，aftertheceremony，shecameflyingintotheschoolroom，flushedwithexcitement，andlaughing，halfinmirth，andhalfinrecklessdesperation，asitseemedtome。

"Now，MissGrey，I"mLadyAshby!"sheexclaimed。"It"sdone，myfateissealed:there"snodrawingbacknow。I"mcometoreceiveyourcongratulationsandbidyougood-by；andthenI"moffforParis，Rome，Naples，Switzerland，London-oh，dear!whatadealI

shallseeandhearbeforeIcomebackagain。Butdon"tforgetme:

Ishan"tforgetyou，thoughI"vebeenanaughtygirl。Come，whydon"tyoucongratulateme？"

"Icannotcongratulateyou，"Ireplied，"tillIknowwhetherthischangeisreallyforthebetter:butIsincerelyhopeitis；andI

wishyoutruehappinessandthebestofblessings。"

"Well，good-by，thecarriageiswaiting，andthey"recallingme。"

Shegavemeahastykiss，andwashurryingaway；but，suddenlyreturning，embracedmewithmoreaffectionthanIthoughthercapableofevincing，anddepartedwithtearsinhereyes。Poorgirl!Ireallylovedherthen；andforgaveherfrommyheartalltheinjuryshehaddoneme-andothersalso:shehadnothalfknownit，Iwassure；andIprayedGodtopardonhertoo。

Duringtheremainderofthatdayoffestalsadness，Iwaslefttomyowndevices。Beingtoomuchunhingedforanysteadyoccupation，Iwanderedaboutwithabookinmyhandforseveralhours，morethinkingthanreading，forIhadmanythingstothinkabout。Intheevening，ImadeuseofmylibertytogoandseemyoldfriendNancyonceagain；toapologizeformylongabsence(whichmusthaveseemedsoneglectfulandunkind)bytellingherhowbusyIhadbeen；andtotalk，orread，orworkforher，whichevermightbemostacceptable，andalso，ofcourse，totellherthenewsofthisimportantday:andperhapstoobtainalittleinformationfromherinreturn，respectingMr。Weston"sexpecteddeparture。Butofthissheseemedtoknownothing，andIhoped，asshedid，thatitwasallafalsereport。Shewasverygladtoseeme；but，happily，hereyeswerenowsonearlywellthatshewasalmostindependentofmyservices。Shewasdeeplyinterestedinthewedding；butwhileI