第10章

andwiththemwentthatmagician——andhewasonarail,too,bytheabbot"sorder;andhisreputationwasinthemud,andminewasintheskyagain.

Yes,amancankeephistrademarkcurrentinsuchacountry,buthecan"tsitaroundanddoit;hehasgottobeondeckandattendingtobusinessrightalong.

AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur"sCourt-Chapter25Chapter25-ACompetitiveExaminationWHENthekingtraveledforchangeofair,ormadeaprogress,orvisitedadistantnoblewhomhewishedtobankruptwiththecostofhiskeep,partoftheadministrationmovedwithhim.Itwasafashionofthetime.TheCommissionchargedwiththeexaminationofcandidatesforpostsinthearmycamewiththekingtotheValley,whereastheycouldhavetransactedtheirbusinessjustaswellathome.Andalthoughthisexpeditionwasstrictlyaholidayexcursionfortheking,hekeptsomeofhisbusinessfunctionsgoingjustthesame.Hetouchedfortheevil,asusual;heheldcourtinthegateatsunriseandtriedcases,forhewashimselfChiefJusticeoftheKing"sBench.

Heshoneverywellinthislatteroffice.Hewasawiseandhumanejudge,andheclearlydidhishonestbestandfairest,——accordingtohislights.

Thatisalargereservation.Hislights——Imeanhisrearing——oftencoloredhisdecisions.Whenevertherewasadisputebetweenanobleorgentlemanandapersonoflowerdegree,theking"sleaningsandsympathieswerefortheformerclassalways,whetherhesuspecteditornot.Itwasimpossiblethatthisshouldbeotherwise.Thebluntingeffectsofslaveryupontheslaveholder"smoralperceptionsareknownandconceded,theworldover;andaprivilegedclass,anaristocracy,isbutabandofslaveholdersunderanothername.Thishasaharshsound,andyetshouldnotbeoffensivetoany——eventothenoblehimself——unlessthefactitselfbeanoffense:

forthestatementsimplyformulatesafact.TherepulsivefeatureofslaveryistheTHING,notitsname.Oneneedsbuttohearanaristocratspeakoftheclassesthatarebelowhimtorecognize——andinbutindifferentlymodifiedmeasure——theveryairandtoneoftheactualslaveholder;andbehindthesearetheslaveholder"sspirit,theslaveholder"sbluntedfeeling.

Theyaretheresultofthesamecauseinbothcases:thepossessor"soldandinbredcustomofregardinghimselfasasuperiorbeing.Theking"sjudgmentswroughtfrequentinjustices,butitwasmerelythefaultofhistraining,hisnaturalandunalterablesympathies.Hewasasunfittedforajudgeshipaswouldbetheaveragemotherforthepositionofmilk-distributortostarvingchildreninfamine-time;herownchildrenwouldfareashadebetterthantherest.

Oneverycuriouscasecamebeforetheking.Ayounggirl,anorphan,whohadaconsiderableestate,marriedafineyoungfellowwhohadnothing.

Thegirl"spropertywaswithinaseignioryheldbytheChurch.Thebishopofthediocese,anarrogantscionofthegreatnobility,claimedthegirl"sestateonthegroundthatshehadmarriedprivately,andthushadcheatedtheChurchoutofoneofitsrightsaslordoftheseigniory——theoneheretoforereferredtoasledroitduseigneur.Thepenaltyofrefusaloravoidancewasconfiscation.Thegirl"sdefensewas,thatthelordshipoftheseigniorywasvestedinthebishop,andtheparticularrighthereinvolvedwasnottransferable,butmustbeexercisedbythelordhimselforstandvacated;andthatanolderlaw,oftheChurchitself,strictlybarredthebishopfromexercisingit.Itwasaveryoddcase,indeed.

ItremindedmeofsomethingIhadreadinmyyouthabouttheingeniouswayinwhichthealdermenofLondonraisedthemoneythatbuilttheMansionHouse.ApersonwhohadnottakentheSacramentaccordingtotheAnglicanritecouldnotstandasacandidateforsheriffofLondon.ThusDissenterswereineligible;theycouldnotrunifasked,theycouldnotserveifelected.

Thealdermen,whowithoutanyquestionwereYankeesindisguise,hituponthisneatdevice:theypassedaby-lawimposingafineofL400uponanyonewhoshouldrefusetobeacandidateforsheriff,andafineofL600

uponanypersonwho,afterbeingelectedsheriff,refusedtoserve.ThentheywenttoworkandelectedalotofDissenters,oneafteranother,andkeptitupuntiltheyhadcollectedL15,000infines;andtherestandsthestatelyMansionHousetothisday,tokeeptheblushingcitizeninmindofalongpastandlamenteddaywhenabandofYankeesslippedintoLondonandplayedgamesofthesortthathasgiventheirraceauniqueandshadyreputationamongalltrulygoodandholypeoplesthatbeintheearth.

Thegirl"scaseseemedstrongtome;thebishop"scasewasjustasstrong.

Ididnotseehowthekingwasgoingtogetoutofthishole.Buthegotout.Iappendhisdecision:

"TrulyIfindsmalldifficultyhere,thematterbeingevenachild"saffairforsimpleness.Antheyoungbridehadconveyednotice,asindutybound,toherfeudallordandpropermasterandprotectorthebishop,shehadsufferednoloss,forthesaidbishopcouldhavegotadispensationmakinghim,fortemporaryconveniency,eligibletotheexerciseofhissaidright,andthuswouldshehavekeptallshehad.Whereas,failinginherfirstduty,shehathbythatfailurefailedinall;forwhoso,clingingtoarope,severethitabovehishands,mustfall;itbeingnodefensetoclaimthattherestoftheropeissound,neitheranydeliverancefromhisperil,asheshallfind.Pardy,thewoman"scaseisrottenatthesource.

Itisthedecreeofthecourtthatsheforfeittothesaidlordbishopallhergoods,eventothelastfarthingthatshedothpossess,andbetheretomulctedinthecosts.Next!"

Herewasatragicendtoabeautifulhoneymoonnotyetthreemonthsold.Pooryoungcreatures!Theyhadlivedthesethreemonthslappedtothelipsinworldlycomforts.Theseclothesandtrinketstheywerewearingwereasfineanddaintyastheshrewdeststretchofthesumptuarylawsallowedtopeopleoftheirdegree;andintheseprettyclothes,shecryingonhisshoulder,andhetryingtocomfortherwithhopefulwordssettothemusicofdespair,theywentfromthejudgmentseatoutintotheworldhomeless,bedless,breadless;why,theverybeggarsbytheroadsideswerenotsopoorasthey.

Well,thekingwasoutofthehole;andontermssatisfactorytotheChurchandtherestofthearistocracy,nodoubt.Menwritemanyfineandplausibleargumentsinsupportofmonarchy,butthefactremainsthatwhereeverymaninaStatehasavote,brutallawsareimpossible.Arthur"speoplewereofcoursepoormaterialforarepublic,becausetheyhadbeendebasedsolongbymonarchy;andyeteventheywouldhavebeenintelligentenoughtomakeshortworkofthatlawwhichthekinghadjustbeenadministeringifithadbeensubmittedtotheirfullandfreevote.Thereisaphrasewhichhasgrownsocommonintheworld"smouththatithascometoseemtohavesenseandmeaning——thesenseandmeaningimpliedwhenitisused;

thatisthephrasewhichreferstothisorthatortheothernationaspossiblybeing"capableofselfgovernment";andtheimpliedsenseofitis,thattherehasbeenanationsomewhere,sometimeorotherwhichWASN"T

capableofit——wasn"tasabletogovernitselfassomeself-appointedspecialistswereorwouldbetogovernit.Themastermindsofallnations,inallages,havesprunginaffluentmultitudefromthemassofthenation,andfromthemassofthenationonly——notfromitsprivilegedclasses;

andso,nomatterwhatthenation"sintellectualgradewas;whetherhighorlow,thebulkofitsabilitywasinthelongranksofitsnamelessanditspoor,andsoitneversawthedaythatithadnotthematerialinabundancewherebytogovernitself.Whichistoassertanalwaysself-provenfact:

thateventhebestgovernedandmostfreeandmostenlightenedmonarchyisstillbehindthebestconditionattainablebyitspeople;andthatthesameistrueofkindredgovernmentsoflowergrades,allthewaydowntothelowest.

KingArthurhadhurriedupthearmybusinessaltogetherbeyondmycalculations.

IhadnotsupposedhewouldmoveinthematterwhileIwasaway;andsoIhadnotmappedoutaschemefordeterminingthemeritsofofficers;I

hadonlyremarkedthatitwouldbewisetosubmiteverycandidatetoasharpandsearchingexamination;andprivatelyImeanttoputtogetheralistofmilitaryqualificationsthatnobodycouldanswertobutmyWestPointers.ThatoughttohavebeenattendedtobeforeIleft;forthekingwassotakenwiththeideaofastandingarmythathecouldn"twaitbutmustgetaboutitatonce,andgetupasgoodaschemeofexaminationashecouldinventoutofhisownhead.

Iwasimpatienttoseewhatthiswas;andtoshow,too,howmuchmoreadmirablewastheonewhichIshoulddisplaytotheExaminingBoard.I

intimatedthis,gently,totheking,anditfiredhiscuriosityWhentheBoardwasassembled,Ifollowedhimin;andbehinduscamethecandidates.

OneofthesecandidateswasabrightyoungWestPointerofmine,andwithhimwereacoupleofmyWestPointprofessors.

WhenIsawtheBoard,Ididnotknowwhethertocryortolaugh.TheheadofitwastheofficerknowntolatercenturiesasNorroyKing-at-Arms!

Thetwoothermemberswerechiefsofbureausinhisdepartment;andallthreewerepriests,ofcourse;allofficialswhohadtoknowhowtoreadandwritewerepriests.

Mycandidatewascalledfirst,outofcourtesytome,andtheheadoftheBoardopenedonhimwithofficialsolemnity:

"Name?"

"Mal-ease."

"Sonof?"

"Webster."

"Webster——Webster.H"m——I——mymemoryfailethtorecallthename.

Condition?"

"Weaver."

"Weaver!——Godkeepus!"

Thekingwasstaggered,fromhissummittohisfoundations;oneclerkfainted,andtheotherscamenearit.Thechairmanpulledhimselftogether,andsaidindignantly:

"Itissufficient.Getyouhence."

ButIappealedtotheking.Ibeggedthatmycandidatemightbeexamined.

Thekingwaswilling,buttheBoard,whowereallwell-bornfolk,imploredthekingtosparethemtheindignityofexaminingtheweaver"sson.Iknewtheydidn"tknowenoughtoexaminehimanyway,soIjoinedmyprayerstotheirsandthekingturnedthedutyovertomyprofessors.Ihadhadablackboardprepared,anditwasputupnow,andthecircusbegan.Itwasbeautifultoheartheladlayoutthescienceofwar,andwallowindetailsofbattleandsiege,ofsupply,transportation,miningandcountermining,grandtactics,bigstrategyandlittlestrategy,signalservice,infantry,cavalry,artillery,andallaboutsiegeguns,fieldguns,gatlingguns,rifledguns,smoothbores,musketpractice,revolverpractice——andnotasolitarywordofitallcouldthesecatfishmakeheadortailof,youunderstand——anditwashandsometoseehimchalkoffmathematicalnightmaresontheblackboardthatwouldstumptheangelsthemselves,anddoitlikenothing,too——allabouteclipses,andcomets,andsolstices,andconstellations,andmeantime,andsiderealtime,anddinnertime,andbedtime,andeveryotherimaginablethingabovethecloudsorunderthemthatyoucouldharryorbullyraganenemywithandmakehimwishhehadn"tcome——andwhentheboymadehismilitarysaluteandstoodasideatlast,Iwasproudenoughtohughim,andallthoseotherpeopleweresodazedtheylookedpartlypetrified,partlydrunk,andwhollycaughtoutandsnowedunder.Ijudgedthatthecakewasours,andbyalargemajority.

Educationisagreatthing.ThiswasthesameyouthwhohadcometoWestPointsoignorantthatwhenIaskedhim,"Ifageneralofficershouldhaveahorseshotunderhimonthefieldofbattle,whatoughthetodo?"

answeredupnaivelyandsaid:

"Getupandbrushhimself."

Oneoftheyoungnobleswascalledupnow.IthoughtIwouldquestionhimalittlemyself.Isaid:

"Canyourlordshipread?"

Hisfaceflushedindignantly,andhefiredthisatme:

"Takestmeforaclerk?ItrowIamnotofabloodthat——"

"Answerthequestion!"

Hecrowdedhiswrathdownandmadeouttoanswer"No."

"Canyouwrite?"

Hewantedtoresentthis,too,butIsaid:

"Youwillconfineyourselftothequestions,andmakenocomments.Youarenotheretoairyourbloodoryourgraces,andnothingofthesortwillbepermitted.Canyouwrite?"

"No."

"Doyouknowthemultiplicationtable?"

"Iwitnotwhatyereferto."

"Howmuchis9times6?"

"Itisamysterythatishiddenfrommebyreasonthattheemergencyrequiringthefathomingofithathnotinmylife-daysoccurred,andso,nothavingnoneedtoknowthisthing,Iabidebarrenoftheknowledge."

"IfAtradeabarrelofonionstoB,worth2pencethebushel,inexchangeforasheepworth4penceandadogworthapenny,andCkillthedogbeforedelivery,becausebittenbythesame,whomistookhimforD,whatsumisstillduetoAfromB,andwhichpartypaysforthedog,CorD,andwhogetsthemoney?IfA,isthepennysufficient,ormayheclaimconsequentialdamagesintheformofadditionalmoneytorepresentthepossibleprofitwhichmighthaveinuredfromthedog,andclassifiableasearnedincrement,thatistosay,usufruct?"

"Verily,intheall-wiseandunknowableprovidenceofGod,whomovethinmysteriouswayshiswonderstoperform,haveIneverheardthefellowtothisquestionforconfusionofthemindandcongestionoftheductsofthought.WhereforeIbeseechyouletthedogandtheonionsandthesepeopleofthestrangeandgodlessnamesworkouttheirseveralsalvationsfromtheirpiteousandwonderfuldifficultieswithouthelpofmine,forindeedtheirtroubleissufficientasitis,whereasanItriedtohelpIshouldbutdamagetheircausethemoreandyetmayhapnotlivemyselftoseethedesolationwrought."

"Whatdoyouknowofthelawsofattractionandgravitation?"

"Iftherebesuch,mayhaphisgracethekingdidpromulgatethemwhilstthatIlaysickaboutthebeginningoftheyearandtherebyfailedtohearhisproclamation."

"Whatdoyouknowofthescienceofoptics?"

"Iknowofgovernorsofplaces,andseneschalsofcastles,andsheriffsofcounties,andmanylikesmallofficesandtitlesofhonor,buthimyoucalltheScienceofOpticsIhavenotheardofbefore;peradventureitisanewdignity."

"Yes,inthiscountry."

Trytoconceiveofthismolluskgravelyapplyingforanofficialposition,ofanykindunderthesun!Why,hehadalltheearmarksofatypewritercopyist,ifyouleaveoutthedispositiontocontributeuninvitedemendationsofyourgrammarandpunctuation.Itwasunaccountablethathedidn"tattemptalittlehelpofthatsortoutofhismajesticsupplyofincapacityforthejob.Butthatdidn"tprovethathehadn"tmaterialinhimforthedisposition,itonlyprovedthathewasn"tatypewritercopyistyet.Afternagginghimalittlemore,Ilettheprofessorslooseonhimandtheyturnedhiminsideout,onthelineofscientificwar,andfoundhimempty,ofcourse.Heknewsomewhataboutthewarfareofthetime——bushwhackingaroundforogres,andbull-fightsinthetournamentring,andsuchthings——butotherwisehewasemptyanduseless.Thenwetooktheotheryoungnobleinhand,andhewasthefirstone"stwin,forignoranceandincapacity.IdeliveredthemintothehandsofthechairmanoftheBoardwiththecomfortableconsciousnessthattheircakewasdough.Theywereexaminedinthepreviousorderofprecedence.

"Name,sopleaseyou?"

"Pertipole,sonofSirPertipole,BaronofBarleyMash."

"Grandfather?"

"AlsoSirPertipole,BaronofBarleyMash."

"Great-grandfather?"

"Thesamenameandtitle."

"Great-great-grandfather?"

"Wehadnone,worshipfulsir,thelinefailingbeforeithadreachedsofarback."

"Itmatterethnot.Itisagoodfourgenerations,andfulfilleththerequirementsoftherule."

"Fulfillswhatrule?"Iasked.

"Therulerequiringfourgenerationsofnobilityorelsethecandidateisnoteligible."

"Amannoteligibleforalieutenancyinthearmyunlesshecanprovefourgenerationsofnobledescent?"

"Evenso;neitherlieutenantnoranyotherofficermaybecommissionedwithoutthatqualification."

"Oh,come,thisisanastonishingthing.Whatgoodissuchaqualificationasthat?"

"Whatgood?Itisahardyquestion,fairsirandBoss,sinceitdothgofartoimpugnthewisdomofevenourholyMotherChurchherself."

"Ashow?"

"Forthatshehathestablishedtheself-sameruleregardingsaints.

Byherlawnonemaybecanonizeduntilhehathlaindeadfourgenerations."

"Isee,Isee——itisthesamething.Itiswonderful.Intheonecaseamanliesdead-alivefourgenerations——mummifiedinignoranceandsloth——andthatqualifieshimtocommandlivepeople,andtaketheirwealandwoeintohisimpotenthands;andintheothercase,amanliesbeddedwithdeathandwormsfourgenerations,andthatqualifieshimforofficeinthecelestialcamp.Doestheking"sgraceapproveofthisstrangelaw?"

Thekingsaid:

"Why,trulyIseenaughtaboutitthatisstrange.Allplacesofhonorandofprofitdobelong,bynaturalright,tothemthatbeofnobleblood,andsothesedignitiesinthearmyaretheirpropertyandwouldbesowithoutthisoranyrule.Theruleisbuttomarkalimit.Itspurposeistokeepouttoorecentblood,whichwouldbringintocontempttheseoffices,andmenofloftylineagewouldturntheirbacksandscorntotakethem.IweretoblameanIpermittedthiscalamity.YOUcanpermititanyouaremindedsotodo,foryouhavethedelegatedauthority,butthatthekingshoulddoitwereamoststrangemadnessandnotcomprehensibletoany."

"Iyield.Proceed,sirChiefoftheHerald"sCollege."

Thechairmanresumedasfollows:

"BywhatillustriousachievementforthehonoroftheThroneandStatedidthefounderofyourgreatlinelifthimselftothesacreddignityoftheBritishnobility?"

"Hebuiltabrewery."

"Sire,theBoardfindsthiscandidateperfectinalltherequirementsandqualificationsformilitarycommand,anddothholdhiscaseopenfordecisionafterdueexaminationofhiscompetitor."

Thecompetitorcameforwardandprovedexactlyfourgenerationsofnobilityhimself.Sotherewasatieinmilitaryqualificationsthatfar.

Hestoodasideamoment,andSirPertipolewasquestionedfurther:

"Ofwhatconditionwasthewifeofthefounderofyourline?"

"Shecameofthehighestlandedgentry,yetshewasnotnoble;shewasgraciousandpureandcharitable,ofablamelesslifeandcharacter,insomuchthatintheseregardswasshepeerofthebestladyintheland."

"Thatwilldo.Standdown."Hecalledupthecompetinglordlingagain,andasked:"Whatwastherankandconditionofthegreat-grandmotherwhoconferredBritishnobilityuponyourgreathouse?"

"Shewasaking"slemananddidclimbtothatsplendideminencebyherownunholpenmeritfromthesewerwhereshewasborn."

"Ah,this,indeed,istruenobility,thisistherightandperfectintermixture.

Thelieutenancyisyours,fairlord.Holditnotincontempt;itisthehumblestepwhichwillleadtograndeursmoreworthyofthesplendorofanoriginliketothine."

Iwasdowninthebottomlesspitofhumiliation.Ihadpromisedmyselfaneasyandzenith-scouringtriumph,andthiswastheoutcome!

Iwasalmostashamedtolookmypoordisappointedcadetintheface.

Itoldhimtogohomeandbepatient,thiswasn"ttheend.

Ihadaprivateaudiencewiththeking,andmadeaproposition.Isaiditwasquiterighttoofficerthatregimentwithnobilities,andhecouldn"thavedoneawiserthing.Itwouldalsobeagoodideatoaddfivehundredofficerstoit;infact,addasmanyofficersastherewerenoblesandrelativesofnoblesinthecountry,evenifthereshouldfinallybefivetimesasmanyofficersasprivatesinit;andthusmakeitthecrackregiment,theenviedregiment,theKing"sOwnregiment,andentitledtofightonitsownhookandinitsownway,andgowhitheritwouldandcomewhenitpleased,intimeofwar,andbeutterlyswellandindependent.Thiswouldmakethatregimenttheheart"sdesireofallthenobility,andtheywouldallbesatisfiedandhappy.Thenwewouldmakeuptherestofthestandingarmyoutofcommonplacematerials,andofficeritwithnobodies,aswasproper——nobodiesselectedonabasisofmereefficiency——andwewouldmakethisregimenttoetheline,allowitnoaristocraticfreedomfromrestraint,andforceittodoalltheworkandpersistenthammering,totheendthatwhenevertheKing"sOwnwastiredandwantedtogooffforachangeandrummagearoundamongstogresandhaveagoodtime,itcouldgowithoutuneasiness,knowingthatmatterswereinsafehandsbehindit,andbusinessgoingtobecontinuedattheoldstand,sameasusual.

Thekingwascharmedwiththeidea.

WhenInoticedthat,itgavemeavaluablenotion.IthoughtIsawmywayoutofanoldandstubborndifficultyatlast.Yousee,theroyaltiesofthePendragonstockwerealong-livedraceandveryfruitful.Wheneverachildwasborntoanyofthese——anditwasprettyoften——therewaswildjoyinthenation"smouth,andpiteoussorrowinthenation"sheart.

Thejoywasquestionable,butthegriefwashonest.BecausetheeventmeantanothercallforaRoyalGrant.Longwasthelistoftheseroyalties,andtheywereaheavyandsteadilyincreasingburdenuponthetreasuryandamenacetothecrown.YetArthurcouldnotbelievethislatterfact,andhewouldnotlistentoanyofmyvariousprojectsforsubstitutingsomethingintheplaceoftheroyalgrants.IfIcouldhavepersuadedhimtonowandthenprovideasupportforoneoftheseoutlyingscionsfromhisownpocket,Icouldhavemadeagrandto-dooverit,anditwouldhavehadagoodeffectwiththenation;butno,hewouldn"thearofsuchathing.

Hehadsomethinglikeareligiouspassionforroyalgrant;heseemedtolookuponitasasortofsacredswag,andonecouldnotirritatehiminanywaysoquicklyandsosurelyasbyanattackuponthatvenerableinstitution.

IfIventuredtocautiouslyhintthattherewasnotanotherrespectablefamilyinEnglandthatwouldhumbleitselftoholdoutthehat——however,thatisasfarasIevergot;healwayscutmeshortthere,andperemptorily,too.

ButIbelievedIsawmychanceatlast.Iwouldformthiscrackregimentoutofofficersalone——notasingleprivate.Halfofitshouldconsistofnobles,whoshouldfillalltheplacesuptoMajor-General,andservegratisandpaytheirownexpenses;andtheywouldbegladtodothiswhentheyshouldlearnthattherestoftheregimentwouldconsistexclusivelyofprincesoftheblood.TheseprincesofthebloodshouldrangeinrankfromLieutenant-GeneraluptoFieldMarshal,andbegorgeouslysalariedandequippedandfedbythestate.Moreover——andthiswasthemasterstroke——itshouldbedecreedthattheseprincelygrandeesshouldbealwaysaddressedbyastunninglygaudyandawe-compellingtitle(whichIwouldpresentlyinvent),andtheyandtheyonlyinallEnglandshouldbesoaddressed.

Finally,allprincesofthebloodshouldhavefreechoice;jointhatregiment,getthatgreattitle,andrenouncetheroyalgrant,orstayoutandreceiveagrant.Neatesttouchofall:unbornbutimminentprincesofthebloodcouldbeBORNintotheregiment,andstartfair,withgoodwagesandapermanentsituation,uponduenoticefromtheparents.

Alltheboyswouldjoin,Iwassureofthat;so,allexistinggrantswouldberelinquished;thatthenewlybornwouldalwaysjoinwasequallycertain.Withinsixtydaysthatquaintandbizarreanomaly,theRoyalGrant,wouldceasetobealivingfact,andtakeitsplaceamongthecuriositiesofthepast.

AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur"sCourt-Chapter26Chapter26-TheFirstNewspaperWHENItoldthekingIwasgoingoutdisguisedasapettyfreemantoscourthecountryandfamiliarizemyselfwiththehumblerlifeofthepeople,hewasallafirewiththenoveltyofthethinginaminute,andwasboundtotakeachanceintheadventurehimself——nothingshouldstophim——

hewoulddropeverythingandgoalong——itwastheprettiestideahehadrunacrossformanyaday.Hewantedtoglideoutthebackwayandstartatonce;butIshowedhimthatthatwouldn"tanswer.Yousee,hewasbilledfortheking"s-evil——totouchforit,Imean——anditwouldn"tberighttodisappointthehouseanditwouldn"tmakeadelayworthconsidering,anyway,itwasonlyaone-nightstand.AndIthoughtheoughttotellthequeenhewasgoingaway.Hecloudedupatthatandlookedsad.IwassorryIhadspoken,especiallywhenhesaidmournfully:

"ThouforgettestthatLauncelotishere;andwhereLauncelotis,shenotethnotthegoingforthoftheking,norwhatdayhereturneth."

Ofcourse,IchangedtheSubject.Yes,Gueneverwasbeautiful,itistrue,buttakeherallaroundshewasprettyslack.Inevermeddledinthesematters,theyweren"tmyaffair,butIdidhatetoseethewaythingsweregoingon,andIdon"tmindsayingthatmuch.Many"sthetimeshehadaskedme,"SirBoss,hastseenSirLauncelotabout?"butifevershewentfrettingaroundforthekingIdidn"thappentobearoundatthetime.

Therewasaverygoodlay-outfortheking"s-evilbusiness——verytidyandcreditable.Thekingsatunderacanopyofstate;abouthimwereclusteredalargebodyoftheclergyinfullcanonicals.Conspicuous,bothforlocationandpersonaloutfit,stoodMarinel,ahermitofthequack-doctorspecies,tointroducethesick.Allabroadoverthespaciousfloor,andcleardowntothedoors,inathickjumble,layorsatthescrofulous,underastronglight.Itwasasgoodasatableau;infact,ithadallthelookofbeinggottenupforthat,thoughitwasn"t.Therewereeighthundredsickpeoplepresent.Theworkwasslow;itlackedtheinterestofnoveltyforme,becauseIhadseentheceremoniesbefore;thethingsoonbecametedious,buttheproprietiesrequiredmetostickitout.Thedoctorwasthereforthereasonthatinallsuchcrowdsthereweremanypeoplewhoonlyimaginedsomethingwasthematterwiththem,andmanywhowereconsciouslysoundbutwantedtheimmortalhonoroffleshlycontactwithaking,andyetotherswhopretendedtoillnessinordertogetthepieceofcointhatwentwiththetouch.

Uptothistimethiscoinhadbeenaweelittlegoldpieceworthaboutathirdofadollar.Whenyouconsiderhowmuchthatamountofmoneywouldbuy,inthatageandcountry,andhowusualitwastobescrofulous,whennotdead,youwouldunderstandthattheannualking"s-evilappropriationwasjusttheRiverandHarborbillofthatgovernmentforthegripittookonthetreasuryandthechanceitaffordedforskinningthesurplus.SoIhadprivatelyconcludedtotouchthetreasuryitselffortheking"s-evil.

IcoveredsixseventhsoftheappropriationintothetreasuryaweekbeforestartingfromCamelotonmyadventures,andorderedthattheotherseventhbeinflatedintofivecentnickelsanddeliveredintothehandsoftheheadclerkoftheKing"sEvilDepartment;anickeltotaketheplaceofeachgoldcoin,yousee,anddoitsworkforit.Itmightstrainthenickelsome,butIjudgeditcouldstandit.Asarule,Idonotapproveofwateringstock,butIconsidereditsquareenoughinthiscase,foritwasjustagift,anyway.Ofcourse,youcanwateragiftasmuchasyouwantto;

andIgenerallydo.Theoldgoldandsilvercoinsofthecountrywereofancientandunknownorigin,asarule,butsomeofthemwereRoman;theywereill-shapen,andseldomrounderthanamoonthatisaweekpastthefull;theywerehammered,notminted,andtheyweresowornwithusethatthedevicesuponthemwereasillegibleasblisters,andlookedlikethem.

Ijudgedthatasharp,brightnewnickel,withafirst-ratelikenessofthekingononesideofitandGueneverontheother,andabloomingpiousmotto,wouldtakethetuckoutofscrofulaashandyasanoblercoinandpleasethescrofulousfancymore;andIwasright.Thisbatchwasthefirstitwastriedon,anditworkedtoacharm.Thesavinginexpensewasanotableeconomy.Youwillseethatbythesefigures:Wetouchedatrifleover700ofthe800patients;atformerrates,thiswouldhavecostthegovernmentabout$240;atthenewratewepulledthroughforabout$35,thussavingupwardof$200atoneswoop.Toappreciatethefullmagnitudeofthisstroke,considertheseotherfigures:theannualexpensesofanationalgovernmentamounttotheequivalentofacontributionofthreedays"averagewagesofeveryindividualofthepopulation,countingeveryindividualasifhewereaman.Ifyoutakeanationof60,000,000,whereaveragewagesare$2perday,threedays"wagestakenfromeachindividualwillprovide$360,000,000andpaythegovernment"sexpenses.Inmyday,inmyowncountry,thismoneywascollectedfromimposts,andthecitizenimaginedthattheforeignimporterpaidit,anditmadehimcomfortabletothinkso;whereas,infact,itwaspaidbytheAmericanpeople,andwassoequallyandexactlydistributedamongthemthattheannualcosttothe100-millionaireandtheannualcosttothesuckingchildoftheday-laborerwaspreciselythesame——eachpaid$6.Nothingcouldbeequalerthanthat,Ireckon.Well,ScotlandandIrelandweretributarytoArthur,andtheunitedpopulationsoftheBritishIslandsamountedtosomethinglessthan1,OOO,OOO.Amechanic"saveragewagewas3centsaday,whenhepaidhisownkeep.Bythisrulethenationalgovernment"sexpenseswere$90,000ayear,orabout$250aday.Thus,bythesubstitutionofnickelsforgoldonaking"s-evilday,Inotonlyinjurednoone,dissatisfiednoone,butpleasedallconcernedandsavedfour-fifthsofthatday"snationalexpenseintothebargain——asavingwhichwouldhavebeentheequivalentof$800,000inmydayinAmerica.InmakingthissubstitutionIhaddrawnuponthewisdomofaveryremotesource——thewisdomofmyboyhood——

forthetruestatesmandoesnotdespiseanywisdom,howsoeverlowlymaybeitsorigin:inmyboyhoodIhadalwayssavedmypenniesandcontributedbuttonstotheforeignmissionarycause.Thebuttonswouldanswertheignorantsavageaswellasthecoin,thecoinwouldanswermebetterthanthebuttons;

allhandswerehappyandnobodyhurt.

Marineltookthepatientsastheycame.Heexaminedthecandidate;ifhecouldn"tqualifyhewaswarnedoff;ifhecouldhewaspassedalongtotheking.Apriestpronouncedthewords,"Theyshalllaytheirhandsonthesick,andtheyshallrecover."Thenthekingstrokedtheulcers,whilethereadingcontinued;finally,thepatientgraduatedandgothisnickel——thekinghangingitaroundhisneckhimself——andwasdismissed.

Wouldyouthinkthatthatwouldcure?Itcertainlydid.Anymummerywillcureifthepatient"sfaithisstronginit.UpbyAstolattherewasachapelwheretheVirginhadonceappearedtoagirlwhousedtoherdgeesearoundthere——thegirlsaidsoherself——andtheybuiltthechapeluponthatspotandhungapictureinitrepresentingtheoccurrence——apicturewhichyouwouldthinkitdangerousforasickpersontoapproach;whereas,onthecontrary,thousandsofthelameandthesickcameandprayedbeforeiteveryyearandwentawaywholeandsound;andeventhewellcouldlookuponitandlive.Ofcourse,whenIwastoldthesethingsIdidnotbelievethem;butwhenIwentthereandsawthemIhadtosuccumb.Isawthecureseffectedmyself;andtheywererealcuresandnotquestionable.IsawcrippleswhomIhadseenaroundCamelotforyearsoncrutches,arriveandpraybeforethatpicture,andputdowntheircrutchesandwalkoffwithoutalimp.

Therewerepilesofcrutchestherewhichhadbeenleftbysuchpeopleasatestimony.

Inotherplacespeopleoperatedonapatient"smind,withoutsayingawordtohim,andcuredhim.Inothers,expertsassembledpatientsinaroomandprayedoverthem,andappealedtotheirfaith,andthosepatientswentawaycured.Whereveryoufindakingwhocan"tcuretheking"s-evilyoucanbesurethatthemostvaluablesuperstitionthatsupportshisthrone——thesubject"sbeliefinthedivineappointmentofhissovereign——haspassedaway.InmyyouththemonarchsofEnglandhadceasedtotouchfortheevil,buttherewasnooccasionforthisdiffidence:theycouldhavecureditforty-ninetimesinfifty.

Well,whenthepriesthadbeendroningforthreehours,andthegoodkingpolishingtheevidences,andthesickwerestillpressingforwardasplentyasever,Igottofeelingintolerablybored.Iwassittingbyanopenwindownotfarfromthecanopyofstate.Forthefivehundredthtimeapatientstoodforwardtohavehisrepulsivenessesstroked;againthosewordswerebeingdronedout:"theyshalllaytheirhandsonthesick"