第19章

Shecouldnot，asyet，beartothinkdeliberatelyofDarrow；

butshekeptonrepeatingtoherself"Byandbyethatwillcometoo。"Evennowshewasdeterminednottolethisimagebedistortedbyhersuffering。Assoonasshecould，shewouldtrytosingleoutforremembrancetheindividualthingsshehadlikedinhimbeforeshehadlovedhimaltogether。No"spiritualexercise"devisedbythedisciplineofpietycouldhavebeenmoretorturing；butitsverycrueltyattractedher。Shewantedtowearherselfoutwithnewpains……

XXXI

ThesoundofMissPainter’slatch—keymadeherstart。Shewasstillabundleofquiveringfearstowhomeachcomingmomentseemedamenace。

Therewasaslightinterval，andasoundofvoicesinthehall；thenMissPainter’svigoroushandwasonthedoor。

Annastoodupasshecamein。"You’vefoundhim？"

"I’vefoundSophy。"

"AndOwen？——hassheseenhim？Ishehere？"

"SHE’Shere：inthehall。Shewantstospeaktoyou。"

"Here——NOW？"Annafoundnovoiceformore。

"Shedrovebackwithme，"MissPaintercontinuedinthetoneofimpartialnarrative。"Thecabmanwasimpertinent。I’vegothisnumber。"Shefumbledinastoutblackreticule。

"Oh，Ican’t——"brokefromAnna；butshecollectedherself，rememberingthattobetrayherunwillingnesstoseethegirlwastoriskrevealingmuchmore。

"Shethoughtyoumightbetootiredtoseeher：shewouldn’tcomeintillI’dfoundout。"

Annadrewaquickbreath。Aninstant’sthoughthadtoldherthatSophyVinerwouldhardlyhavetakensuchastepunlesssomethingmoreimportanthadhappened。"Askhertocome，please，"shesaid。

MissPainter，fromthethreshold，turnedbacktoannounceherintentionofgoingimmediatelytothepolicestationtoreportthecabman’sdelinquency；thenshepassedout，andSophyVinerentered。

Thelookinthegirl’sfaceshowedthatshehadindeedcomeunwillingly；yetsheseemedanimatedbyaneagerresolutenessthatmadeAnnaashamedofhertremors。Foramomenttheylookedateachotherinsilence，asifthethoughtsbetweenthemwerepackedtoothickforspeech；thenAnnasaid，inavoicefromwhichshestrovetotaketheedgeofhardness："YouknowwhereOwenis，MissPaintertellsme。"

"Yes；thatwasmyreasonforaskingyoutoseeme。"Sophyspokesimply，withoutconstraintorhesitation。

"Ithoughthe’dpromisedyou——"Annainterposed。

"Hedid；buthebrokehispromise。That’swhatIthoughtI

oughttotellyou。"

"Thankyou。"Annawentontentatively："HeleftGivrethismorningwithoutaword。IfollowedhimbecauseIwasafraid……"

Shebrokeoffagainandthegirltookupherphrase。"Youwereafraidhe’dguessed？HeHAS……"

"Whatdoyoumean——guessedwhat？"

"Thatyouknowsomethinghedoesn’t……somethingthatmadeyougladtohavemego。"

"Oh——"Annamoaned。Ifshehadwantedmorepainshehaditnow。"He’stoldyouthis？"shefaltered。

"Hehasn’ttoldme，becauseIhaven’tseenhim。Ikepthimoff——ImadeMrs。Farlowgetridofhim。Buthe’swrittenmewhathecametosay；andthatwasit。"

"Oh，poorOwen！"brokefromAnna。Throughalltheintricaciesofhersufferingshefelttheseparatepangofhis。

"AndIwanttoaskyou，"thegirlcontinued，"toletmeseehim；forofcourse，"sheaddedinthesamestrangevoiceofenergy，"Iwouldn’tunlessyouconsented。"

"Toseehim？"Annatriedtogathertogetherherstartledthoughts。"Whatusewoulditbe？Whatcouldyoutellhim？"

"Iwanttotellhimthetruth，"saidSophyViner。

Thetwowomenlookedateachother，andaburningblushrosetoAnna’sforehead。"Idon’tunderstand，"shefaltered。

Sophywaitedamoment；thensheloweredhervoicetosay："I

don’twanthimtothinkworseofmethanheneed……"

"Worse？"

"Yes——tothinksuchthingsasyou’rethinkingnow……Iwanthimtoknowexactlywhathappened……thenIwanttobidhimgood—bye。"

Annatriedtoclearawaythroughherownwonderandconfusion。Shefeltherselfobscurelymoved。

"Wouldn’titbeworseforhim？"

"Tohearthetruth？Itwouldbebetter，atanyrate，foryouandMr。Darrow。"

AtthesoundofthenameAnnaliftedherheadquickly。"I’veonlymystep—sontoconsider！"

Thegirlthrewastartledlookather。"Youdon’tmean——

you’renotgoingtogivehimup？"

Annafeltherlipsharden。"Idon’tthinkit’sofanyusetotalkofthat。"

"Oh，Iknow！It’smyfaultfornotknowinghowtosaywhatI

wantyoutohear。Yourwordsaredifferent；youknowhowtochoosethem。Mineoffendyou……andthedreadofitmakesmeblunder。That’swhy，theotherday，Icouldn’tsayanything……couldn’tmakethingscleartoyou。ButnowMUST，evenifyouhateit！"Shedrewastepnearer，herslenderfigureswayedforwardinapassionofentreaty。"Dolistentome！Whatyou’vesaidisdreadful。Howcanyouspeakofhiminthatvoice？Don’tyouseethatIwentawaysothatheshouldn’thavetoloseyou？"

Annalookedathercoldly。"AreyouspeakingofMr。Darrow？

Idon’tknowwhyyouthinkyourgoingorstayingcaninanywayaffectourrelations。"

"YoumeanthatyouHAVEgivenhimup——becauseofme？Oh，howcouldyou？Youcan’treallylovehim！——Andyet，"thegirlsuddenlyadded，"youmust，oryou’dbemoresorryforme！"

"I’mverysorryforyou，"Annasaid，feelingasiftheironbandaboutherheartpressedonitalittlelessinexorably。

"Thenwhywon’tyouhearme？Whywon’tyoutrytounderstand？It’sallsodifferentfromwhatyouimagine！"

"I’veneverjudgedyou。"

"I’mnotthinkingofmyself。Helovesyou！"

"Ithoughtyou’dcometospeakofOwen。"

SophyVinerseemednottohearher。"He’sneverlovedanyoneelse。Eventhosefewdays……Iknewitallthewhile……henevercaredforme。"

"Pleasedon’tsayanymore！"Annasaid。

"IknowitmustseemstrangetoyouthatIshouldsaysomuch。Ishockyou，Ioffendyou：youthinkmeacreaturewithoutshame。SoIam——butnotinthesenseyouthink！I’mnotashamedofhavinglovedhim；no；andI’mnotashamedoftellingyouso。It’sthatthatjustifiesme——andhimtoo……Oh，letmetellyouhowithappened！Hewassorryforme：hesawIcared。IKNEWthatwasallheeverfelt。I

couldseehewasthinkingofsomeoneelse。Iknewitwasonlyforaweek……Heneversaidawordtomisleadme……I

wantedtobehappyjustonce——andIdidn’tdreamoftheharmImightbedoinghim！"

Annacouldnotspeak。Shehardlyknew，asyet，whatthegirl’swordsconveyedtoher，savethesenseoftheirtragicfervour；butshewasconsciousofbeinginthepresenceofanintenserpassionthanshehadeverfelt。

"Iamsorryforyou。"Shepaused。"Butwhydoyousaythistome？"Afteranotherintervalsheexclaimed："You’dnorighttoletOwenloveyou。"

"No；thatwaswrong。Atleastwhat’shappenedsincehasmadeitso。IfthingshadbeendifferentIthinkIcouldhavemadeOwenhappy。Youwereallsogoodtome——Iwantedsotostaywithyou！Isupposeyou’llsaythatmakesitworse：mydaringtodreamIhadtheright……Butallthatdoesn’tmatternow。Iwon’tseeOwenunlessyou’rewilling。

IshouldhavelikedtotellhimwhatI’vetriedtotellyou；

butyoumustknowbetter；youfeelthingsinafinerway。

Onlyyou’llhavetohelphimifIcan’t。Hecaresagreatdeal……it’sgoingtohurthim……"

Annatrembled。"Oh，Iknow！WhatcanIdo？"

"YoucangostraightbacktoGivre——now，atonce！SothatOwenshallneverknowyou’vefollowedhim。"Sophy’sclaspedhandsreachedouturgently。"AndyoucansendforMr。

Darrow——bringhimback。Owenmustbeconvincedthathe’smistaken，andnothingelsewillconvincehim。AfterwardI’llfindapretext——oh，Ipromiseyou！Butfirsthemustseeforhimselfthatnothing’schangedforyou。"

Annastoodmotionless，subduedanddominated。Thegirl’sardoursweptherlikeawind。

"Oh，can’tImoveyou？Somedayyou’llknow！"Sophypleaded，hereyesfulloftears。

Annasawthem，andfeltafullnessinherthroat。Againthebandaboutherheartseemedloosened。Shewantedtofindaword，butcouldnot：allwithinherwastoodarkandviolent。Shegavethegirlaspeechlesslook。

"Idobelieveyou，"shesaidsuddenly；thensheturnedandwalkedoutoftheroom。

XXXII

ShedrovefromMissPainter’stoherownapartment。Themaid—servantwhohaditinchargehadbeenapprisedofhercoming，andhadopenedoneortwooftherooms，andpreparedafireinherbedroom。Annashutherselfin，refusingthewoman’sministrations。Shefeltcoldandfaint，andaftershehadtakenoffherhatandcloakshekneltdownbythefireandstretchedherhandstoit。

Inonerespect，atleast，itwascleartoherthatshewoulddowelltofollowSophyViner’scounsel。IthadbeenanactoffollytofollowOwen，andherfirstbusinesswastogetbacktoGivrebeforehim。Buttheonlytrainleavingthateveningwasaslowone，whichdidnotreachFrancheuiltillmidnight，andsheknewthathertakingitwouldexciteMadamedeChantelle’swonderandleadtointerminabletalk。

ShehadcomeuptoParisonthepretextoffindinganewgovernessforEffie，andthenaturalthingwastodeferherreturntillthenextmorning。SheknewOwenwellenoughtobesurethathewouldmakeanotherattempttoseeMissViner，andfailingthat，wouldwriteagainandawaitheranswer：sothattherewasnolikelihoodofhisreachingGivretillthefollowingevening。

Hersenseofreliefatnothavingtostartoutatonceshowedherforthefirsttimehowtiredshewas。Thebonnehadsuggestedacupoftea，butthedreadofhavinganyoneaboutherhadmadeAnnarefuse，andshehadeatennothingsincemorningbutasandwichboughtatabuffet。

Shewastootiredtogetup，butstretchingoutherarmshedrewtowardherthearm—chairwhichstoodbesidethehearthandrestedherheadagainstitscushions。Graduallythewarmthofthefirestoleintoherveinsandherheavinessofsoulwasreplacedbyadreamybuoyancy。Sheseemedtobeseatedonthehearthinhersitting—roomatGivre，andDarrowwasbesideher，inthechairagainstwhichsheleaned。Heputhisarmsabouthershouldersanddrawingherheadbacklookedintohereyes。"Ofallthewaysyoudoyourhair，that’sthewayIlikebest，"hesaid……

Alogdropped，andshesatupwithastart。Therewasawarmthinherheart，andshewassmiling。Thenshelookedabouther，andsawwhereshewas，andthegloryfell。Shehidherfaceandsobbed。

Presentlysheperceivedthatitwasgrowingdark，andgettingupstifflyshebegantoundothethingsinherbagandspreadthemonthedressing—table。Sheshrankfromlightingthelights，andgropedherwayabout，tryingtofindwhatsheneeded。Sheseemedimmeasurablyfarofffromeveryone，andmostofallfromherself。Itwasasifherconsciousnesshadbeentransmittedtosomestrangerwhosethoughtsandgestureswereindifferenttoher……

Suddenlysheheardashrilltinkle，andwithabeatingheartshestoodstillinthemiddleoftheroom。Itwasthetelephoneinherdressing—room——acall，nodoubt，fromAdelaidePainter。OrcouldOwenhavelearnedshewasintown？Thethoughtalarmedherandsheopenedthedoorandstumbledacrosstheunlitroomtotheinstrument。Sheheldittoherear，andheardDarrow’svoicepronouncehername。

"Willyouletmeseeyou？I’vecomeback——Ihadtocome。

MissPaintertoldmeyouwerehere。"

Shebegantotremble，andfearedthathewouldguessitfromhervoice。Shedidnotknowwhatsheanswered：sheheardhimsay："Ican’thear。"Shecalled"Yes！"andlaidthetelephonedown，andcaughtitupagain——buthewasgone。

Shewonderedifher"Yes"hadreachedhim。

Shesatinherchairandlistened。Whyhadshesaidthatshewouldseehim？Whatdidshemeantosaytohimwhenhecame？Nowandthen，asshesatthere，thesenseofhispresenceenvelopedherasinherdream，andsheshuthereyesandfelthisarmsabouther。Thenshewoketorealityandshivered。Alongtimeelapsed，andatlengthshesaidtoherself："Heisn’tcoming。"

Thedoor—bellrangasshesaidit，andshestoodup，coldandtrembling。Shethought："Canheimaginethere’sanyuseincoming？"andmovedforwardtobidtheservantsayshecouldnotseehim。

Thedooropenedandshesawhimstandinginthedrawing—

room。Theroomwascoldandfireless，andahardglarefellfromthewall—lightsontheshroudedfurnitureandthewhiteslipscoveringthecurtains。Helookedpaleandstern，withafrownoffatiguebetweenhiseyes；andsherememberedthatinthreedayshehadtravelledfromGivretoLondonandback。Itseemedincrediblethatallthathadbefallenhershouldhavebeencompressedwithinthespaceofthreedays！

"Thankyou，"hesaidasshecamein。

Sheanswered："It’sbetter，Isuppose————"

Hecametowardherandtookherinhisarms。Shestruggledalittle，afraidofyielding，buthepressedhertohim，notbendingtoherbutholdingherfast，asthoughhehadfoundherafteralongsearch：sheheardhishurriedbreathing。

Itseemedtocomefromherownbreast，socloseheheldher；

anditwasshewho，atlast，liftedupherfaceanddrewdownhis。

Shefreedherselfandwentandsatonasofaattheotherendoftheroom。Amirrorbetweentheshroudedwindow—

curtainsshowedhercrumpledtravellingdressandthewhitefaceunderherdisorderedhairShefoundhervoice，andaskedhimhowhehadbeenabletoleaveLondon。Heansweredthathehadmanaged——he’darrangedit；andshesawhehardlyheardwhatshewassaying。

"Ihadtoseeyou，"hewenton，andmovednearer，sittingdownatherside。

"Yes；wemustthinkofOwen————"

"Oh，Owen——！"

HermindhadflownbacktoSophyViner’spleathatsheshouldletDarrowreturntoGivreinorderthatOwenmightbepersuadedofthefollyofhissuspicions。Thesuggestionwasabsurd，ofcourse。ShecouldnotaskDarrowtolendhimselftosuchafraud，evenhadshehadtheinhumancouragetoplayherpartinit。Shewassuddenlyoverwhelmedbythefutilityofeveryattempttoreconstructherruinedworld。No，itwasuseless；andsinceitwasuseless，everymomentwithDarrowwaspurepain……

"I’vecometotalkofmyself，notofOwen，"sheheardhimsaying。"WhenyousentmeawaytheotherdayIunderstoodthatitcouldn’tbeotherwise——then。Butit’snotpossiblethatyouandIshouldpartlikethat。IfI’mtoloseyou，itmustbeforabetterreason。"

"Abetterreason？"

"Yes：adeeperone。Onethatmeansafundamentaldisaccordbetweenus。Thisonedoesn’t——inspiteofeverythingitdoesn’t。That’swhatIwantyoutosee，andhavethecouragetoacknowledge。"

"IfIsawitIshouldhavethecourage！"

"Yes：couragewasthewrongword。Youhavethat。That’swhyI’mhere。"

"ButIdon’tseeit，"shecontinuedsadly。"Soit’suseless，isn’tit？——andsocruel……"Hewasabouttospeak，butshewenton："Ishallneverunderstandit——never！"

Helookedather。"Youwillsomeday：youweremadetofeeleverything"

"Ishouldhavethoughtthiswasacaseofnotfeeling————"

"Onmypart，youmean？"Hefacedherresolutely。"Yes，itwas：tomyshame……WhatImeantwasthatwhenyou’velivedalittlelongeryou’llseewhatcomplexblunderersweallare：

howwe’restruckblindsometimes，andmadsometimes——andthen，whenoursightandoursensescomeback，howwehavetosettowork，andbuildup，littlebylittle，bitbybit，thepreciousthingswe’dsmashedtoatomswithoutknowingit。Life’sjustaperpetualpiecingtogetherofbrokenbits。"

Shelookedupquickly。"That’swhatIfeel：thatyououghtto————"

Hestoodup，interruptingherwithagesture。"Oh，don’t——

don’tsaywhatyou’regoingto！Mendon’tgivetheirlivesawaylikethat。Ifyouwon’thavemine，it’satleastmyown，todothebestIcanwith。"

"Thebestyoucan——that’swhatImean！Howcantherebea’best’foryouthat’smadeofsomeoneelse’sworst？"

Hesatdownagainwithagroan。"Idon’tknow！Itseemedsuchaslightthing——allonthesurface——andI’vegoneagroundonitbecauseitwasonthesurface。Iseethehorrorofitjustasyoudo。ButIsee，alittlemoreclearly，theextent，andthelimits，ofmywrong。It’snotasblackasyouimagine。"

Sheloweredhervoicetosay："IsupposeIshallneverunderstand；butsheseemstoloveyou……"

"There’smyshame！ThatIdidn’tguessit，didn’tflyfromit。Yousayyou’llneverunderstand：butwhyshouldn’tyou？

Isitanythingtobeproudof，toknowsolittleofthestringsthatpullus？Ifyouknewalittlemore，Icouldtellyouhowsuchthingshappenwithoutoffendingyou；andperhapsyou’dlistenwithoutcondemningme。"

"Idon’tcondemnyou。"Shewasdizzywithstrugglingimpulses。Shelongedtocryout："IDOunderstand！I’veunderstoodeversinceyou’vebeenhere！"Forshewasaware，inherownbosom，ofsensationssoseparatefromherromanticthoughtsofhimthatshesawherbodyandsouldividedagainstthemselves。SherecalledhavingreadsomewherethatinancientRometheslaveswerenotallowedtowearadistinctivedresslesttheyshouldrecognizeeachotherandlearntheirnumbersandtheirpower。So，inherself，shediscernedforthefirsttimeinstinctsanddesires，which，muteandunmarked，hadgonetoandfrointhedimpassagesofhermind，andnowhailedeachotherwithacryofmutiny。

"Oh，Idon’tknowwhattothink！"shebrokeout。"Yousayyoudidn’tknowshelovedyou。Butyouknowitnow。

Doesn’tthatshowyouhowyoucanputthebrokenbitstogether？"

"CanyouseriouslythinkitwouldbedoingsotomarryonewomanwhileIcareforanother？"

"Oh，Idon’tknow……Idon’tknow……"Thesenseofherweaknessmadehertrytohardenherselfagainsthisarguments。

"Youdoknow！We’veoftentalkedofsuchthings：ofthemonstrousnessofuselesssacrifices。IfI’mtoexpiate，it’snotinthatway。"Headdedabruptly："It’sinhavingtosaythistoyounow……"

Shefoundnoanswer。

Throughthesilentapartmenttheyheardthesuddenpealofthedoor—bell，andsherosetoherfeet。"Owen！"sheinstantlyexclaimed。

"IsOweninParis？"

SheexplainedinarapidundertonewhatshehadlearnedfromSophyViner。

"ShallIleaveyou？"Darrowasked。

"Yes……no……"Shemovedtothedining—roomdoor，withthehalf—formedpurposeofmakinghimpassout，andthenturnedback。"ItmaybeAdelaide。"

Theyheardtheouterdooropen，andamomentlaterOwenwalkedintotheroom。Hewaspale，withexcitedeyes：astheyfellonDarrow，Annasawhisstartofwonder。Hemadeaslightsignofrecognition，andthenwentuptohisstep—

motherwithanairofexaggeratedgaiety。

"Youfurtiveperson！IranacrosstheomniscientAdelaideandheardfromherthatyou’drushedupsuddenlyandsecretly"HestoodbetweenAnnaandDarrow，strained，questioning，dangerouslyonedge。

"IcameuptomeetMr。Darrow，"Annaanswered。"Hisleave’sbeenprolonged——he’sgoingbackwithme。"

Thewordsseemedtohaveutteredthemselveswithoutherwill，yetshefeltagreatsenseoffreedomasshespokethem。

ThehardtensionofOwen’sfacechangedtoincreduloussurprise。HelookedatDarrow。

"Themerestluck……acolleaguewhosewifewasill……Icamestraightback，"sheheardthelattertranquillyexplaining。

Hisself—commandhelpedtosteadyher，andshesmiledatOwen。

"We’llallgobacktogethertomorrowmorning，"shesaidassheslippedherarmthroughhis。

XXXIII

OwenLeathdidnotgobackwithhisstep—mothertoGivre。

InreplytohersuggestionheannouncedhisintentionofstayingonadayortwolongerinParis。

Annaleftalonebythefirsttrainthenextmorning。Darrowwastofollowintheafternoon。WhenOwenhadleftthemtheeveningbefore，Darrowwaitedamomentforhertospeak；

then，asshesaidnothing，heaskedherifshereallywishedhimtoreturntoGivre。Shemadeamutesignofassent，andheadded："Foryouknowthat，muchasI’mreadytodoforOwen，Ican’tdothatforhim——Ican’tgobacktobesentawayagain。"

"No——no！"

Hecamenearer，andlookedather，andshewenttohim。Allherfearsseemedtofallfromherasheheldher。Itwasadifferentfeelingfromanyshehadknownbefore：confusedandturbid，asifsecretshamesandrancoursstirredinit，yetricher，deeper，moreenslaving。Sheleanedherheadbackandshuthereyesbeneathhiskisses。Sheknewnowthatshecouldnevergivehimup。

Neverthelesssheaskedhim，thenextmorning，tolethergobackalonetoGivre。Shewantedtimetothink。Shewasconvincedthatwhathadhappenedwasinevitable，thatsheandDarrowbelongedtoeachother，andthathewasrightinsayingnopastfollycouldeverputthemasunder。Iftherewasashadeofdifferenceinherfeelingforhimitwasthatofanaddedintensity。Shefeltrestless，insecureoutofhissight：shehadasenseofincompleteness，ofpassionatedependence，thatwassomehowatvariancewithherownconceptionofhercharacter。

Itwaspartlytheconsciousnessofthischangeinherselfthatmadeherwanttobealone。Thesolitudeofherinnerlifehadgivenherthehabitofthesehoursofself—

examination，andsheneededthemassheneededhermorningplungeintocoldwater。

Duringthejourneyshetriedtoreviewwhathadhappenedinthelightofhernewdecisionandofhersuddenrelieffrompain。Sheseemedtoherselftohavepassedthroughsomefieryinitiationfromwhichshehademergedsearedandquivering，butclutchingtoherbreastamagictalisman。

SophyVinerhadcriedouttoher："Somedayyou’llknow！"

andDarrowhadusedthesamewords。Theymeant，shesupposed，thatwhenshehadexploredtheintricaciesanddarknessesofherownheartherjudgmentofotherswouldbelessabsolute。Well，sheknewnow——knewweaknessesandstrengthsshehadnotdreamedof，andthedeepdiscordandstilldeepercomplicitiesbetweenwhatthoughtinherandwhatblindlywanted……

HermindturnedanxiouslytoOwen。Atleasttheblowthatwastofallonhimwouldnotseemtohavebeeninflictedbyherhand。HewouldbeleftwiththeimpressionthathisbreachwithSophyVinerwasduetooneoftheordinarycausesofsuchdisruptions：thoughhemustloseher，hismemoryofherwouldnotbepoisoned。AnnaneverforamomentpermittedherselfthedelusionthatshehadrenewedherpromisetoDarrowinordertospareherstep—sonthislastrefinementofmisery。Sheknewshehadbeenpromptedbytheirresistibleimpulsetoholdfasttowhatwasmostprecioustoher，andthatOwen’sarrivalonthescenehadbeenthepretextforherdecision，andnotitscause；yetshefeltherselffortifiedbythethoughtofwhatshehadsparedhim。Itwasasthoughastarshehadbeenusedtofollowhadsheditsfamiliarrayonwaysunknowntoher。