第18章

"Oh————"Annacried，andhidherface。

Thegirlwalkedacrosstheroomandpausedagaininthedoorway。Fromtheresheflungback："Iwantedit——Ichoseit。Hewasgoodtome——nooneeverwassogood！"

Thedoor—handleturned，andAnnaheardhergo。

XXIX

Herfirstthoughtwas："He’sgoingtooinafewhours——I

needn’tseehimagainbeforeheleaves……"AtthatmomentthepossibilityofhavingtolookinDarrow’sfaceandhearhimspeakseemedtohermoreunendurablethananythingelseshecouldimagine。Then，onthenextwaveoffeeling，camethedesiretoconfronthimatonceandwringfromhimsheknewnotwhat：avowal，denial，justification，anythingthatshouldopensomechannelofescapetothefloodofherpent—

upanguish。

ShehadtoldOwenshewastired，andthisseemedasufficientreasonforremainingupstairswhenthemotorcametothedoorandMissPainterandSophyVinerwereborneoffinit；sufficientalsoforsendingwordtoMadamedeChantellethatshewouldnotcomedowntillafterluncheon。

Havingdespatchedhermaidwiththismessage，shelaydownonhersofaandstaredbeforeherintodarkness……

Shehadbeenunhappybefore，andthevisionofoldmiseriesflockedlikehungryghostsaboutherfreshpain：sherecalledheryouthfuldisappointment，thefailureofhermarriage，thewastedyearsthatfollowed；butthosewerenegativesorrows，denialsandpostponementsoflife。Sheseemedinnowayrelatedtotheirshadowyvictim，shewhowasstretchedonthisfieryrackoftheirreparable。Shehadsufferedbefore——yes，butlucidly，reflectively，elegiacally：nowshewassufferingasahurtanimalmust，blindly，furiously，withthesinglefierceanimallongingthattheawfulpainshouldstop……

Sheheardhermaidknock，andshehidherfaceandmadenoanswer。Theknockingcontinued，andthedisciplineofhabitatlengthmadeherliftherhead，composeherfaceandholdoutherhandtothenotethewomanbroughther。ItwasawordfromDarrow——"MayIseeyou？"——andshesaidatonce，inavoicethatsoundedthinandempty："AskMr。Darrowtocomeup。"

Themaidenquiredifshewishedtohaveherhairsmoothedfirst，andsheansweredthatitdidn’tmatter；butwhenthedoorhadclosed，theinstinctofpridedrewhertoherfeetandshelookedatherselfintheglassabovethemantelpieceandpassedherhandsoverherhair。Hereyeswereburningandherfacelookedtiredandthinner；otherwiseshecouldseenochangeinherappearance，andshewonderedthatatsuchamomentherbodyshouldseemasunrelatedtotheselfthatwrithedwithinherasifithadbeenastatueorapicture。

ThemaidreopenedthedoortoshowinDarrow，andhepausedamomentonthethreshold，asifwaitingforAnnatospeak。

Hewasextremelypale，buthelookedneitherashamednoruncertain，andshesaidtoherself，withaperversethrillofappreciation："He’sasproudasIam。"

Aloudsheasked："Youwantedtoseeme？"

"Naturally，"herepliedinagravevoice。

"Don’t！It’suseless。Iknoweverything。Nothingyoucansaywillhelp。"

Atthedirectaffirmationheturnedevenpaler，andhiseyes，whichhekeptresolutelyfixedonher，confessedhismisery。

"Youallowmenovoiceindecidingthat？"

"Decidingwhat？"

"Thatthere’snothingmoretobesaid？"Hewaitedforhertoanswer，andthenwenton："Idon’tevenknowwhatyoumeanby’everything’。"

"Oh，Idon’tknowwhatmorethereis！Iknowenough。I

imploredhertodenyit，andshecouldn’t……WhatcanyouandIhavetosaytoeachother？"Hervoicebrokeintoasob。

Theanimalanguishwasuponheragain——justablindcryagainstherpain！

Darrowkepthisheadhighandhiseyessteady。"Itmustbeasyouwish；andyetit’snotlikeyoutobeafraid。"

"Afraid？"

"Totalkthingsout——tofacethem。"

"It’sforYOUtofacethis——notme！"

"AllIaskistofaceit——butwithyou。"Oncemorehepaused。"Won’tyoutellmewhatMissVinertoldyou？"

"Oh，she’sgenerous——totheutmost！"Thepaincaughtherlikeaphysicalthroe。Itsuddenlycametoherhowthegirlmusthavelovedhimtobesogenerous——whatmemoriestheremustbebetweenthem！

"Oh，go，pleasego。It’stoohorrible。WhyshouldIhavetoseeyou？"shestammered，liftingherhandstohereyes。

Withherfacehiddenshewaitedtohearhimmoveaway，tohearthedooropenandcloseagain，as，afewhoursearlier，ithadopenedandclosedonSophyViner。ButDarrowmadenosoundormovement：hetoowaswaiting。Annafeltathrillofresentment：hispresencewasanoutrageonhersorrow，ahumiliationtoherpride。Itwasstrangethatheshouldwaitforhertotellhimso！

"YouwantmetoleaveGivre？"heaskedatlength。Shemadenoanswer，andhewenton："OfcourseI’lldoasyouwish；

butifIgonowamInottoseeyouagain？"

Hisvoicewasfirm：hispridewasansweringherpride！

Shefaltered："Youmustseeit’suseless————"

"Imightremindyouthatyou’redismissingmewithoutahearing————"

"Withoutahearing？I’veheardyouboth！"

————"butIwon’t，"hecontinued，"remindyouofthat，orofanythingoranyonebutOwen。"

"Owen？"

"Yes；ifwecouldsomehowsparehim————"

Shehaddroppedherhandsandturnedherstartledeyesonhim。ItseemedtoheranagesinceshehadthoughtofOwen！

"Yousee，don’tyou，"Darrowcontinued，"thatifyousendmeawaynow————"

Sheinterrupted："Yes，Isee————"andtherewasalongsilencebetweenthem。Atlengthshesaid，verylow："I

don’twantanyoneelsetosufferasI’msuffering……"

"OwenknowsImeanttoleavetomorrow，"Darrowwenton。"Anysuddenchangeofplanmaymakehimthink……"

Oh，shesawhisinevitablelogic：thehorrorofitwasoneverysideofher！IthadseemedpossibletocontrolhergriefandfaceDarrowcalmlywhileshewasupheldbythebeliefthatthiswastheirlasthourtogether，thatafterhehadpassedoutoftheroomtherewouldbenofearofseeinghimagain，nofearthathisnearness，hislook，hisvoice，andalltheunseeninfluencesthatflowedfromhim，woulddissolvehersoultoweakness。ButhercouragefailedattheideaofhavingtoconspirewithhimtoshieldOwen，ofkeepingupwithhim，forOwen’ssake，afeintofunionandfelicity。ToliveatDarrow’ssideinseemingintimacyandharmonyforanothertwenty—fourhoursseemedharderthantolivewithouthimforalltherestofherdays。Herstrengthfailedher，andshethrewherselfdownandburiedhersobsinthecushionswhereshehadsooftenhiddenafaceaglowwithhappiness。

"Anna————"Hisvoicewasclosetoher。"Letmetalktoyouquietly。It’snotworthyofeitherofustobeafraid。"

Wordsofendearmentwouldhaveoffendedher；butherheartroseatthecalltohercourage。

"I’venodefensetomake，"hewenton。"Thefactsaremiserableenough；butatleastIwantyoutoseethemastheyare。Aboveall，IwantyoutoknowthetruthaboutMissViner————"

ThenamesentthebloodtoAnna’sforehead。Sheraisedherheadandfacedhim。"WhyshouldIknowmoreofherthanwhatshe’stoldme？Ineverwishtohearhernameagain！"

"It’sbecauseyoufeelaboutherinthatwaythatIaskyou——inthenameofcommoncharity——toletmegiveyouthefactsastheyare，andnotasyou’veprobablyimaginedthem。"

"I’vetoldyouIdon’tthinkuncharitablyofher。Idon’twanttothinkofheratall！"

"That’swhyItellyouyou’reafraid。"

"Afraid？"

"Yes。You’vealwayssaidyouwanted，aboveall，tolookatlife，atthehumanproblem，asitis，withoutfearandwithouthypocrisy；andit’snotalwaysapleasantthingtolookat。"Hebrokeoff，andthenbeganagain："Don’tthinkthisapleaformyself！Idon’twanttosayawordtolessenmyoffense。Idon’twanttotalkofmyselfatall。EvenifIdid，Iprobablycouldn’tmakeyouunderstand——Idon’t，myself，asIlookback。Bejusttome——it’syourright；allIaskyouistobegeneroustoMissViner……"

Shestooduptrembling。"You’refreetobeasgeneroustoherasyouplease！"

"Yes：you’vemadeitcleartomethatI’mfree。Butthere’snothingIcandoforherthatwillhelpherhalfasmuchasyourunderstandingherwould。"

"Nothingyoucandoforher？Youcanmarryher！"

Hisfacehardened。"Youcertainlycouldn’twishheraworsefate！"

"Itmusthavebeenwhatsheexpected……reliedon……"Hewassilent，andshebrokeout："Orwhatisshe？Whatareyou？

It’stoohorrible！Onyourwayhere……toME……"Shefeltthetearsinherthroatandstopped。

"Thatwasit，"hesaidbluntly。Shestaredathim。

"Iwasonmywaytoyou——afterrepeateddelaysandpostponementsofyourownmaking。Attheverylastyouturnedmebackwithamereword——andwithoutexplanation。I

waitedforaletter；andnonecame。I’mnotsayingthistojustifymyself。I’msimplytryingtomakeyouunderstand。

Ifelthurtandbitterandbewildered。Ithoughtyoumeanttogivemeup。Andsuddenly，inmyway，Ifoundsomeonetobesorryfor，tobeofuseto。That，Isweartoyou，wasthewayitbegan。Therestwasamoment’sfolly……aflashofmadness……assuchthingsare。We’veneverseeneachothersince……"

Annawaslookingathimcoldly。"Yousufficientlydescribeherinsayingthat！"

"Yes，ifyoumeasureherbyconventionalstandards——whichiswhatyoualwaysdeclareyouneverdo。"

"Conventionalstandards？Agirlwho————"Shewascheckedbyasuddenrushofalmostphysicalrepugnance。Suddenlyshebrokeout："Ialwaysthoughtheranadventuress！"

"Always？"

"Idon’tmeanalways……butafteryoucame……"

"She’snotanadventuress。"

"Youmeanthatsheprofessestoactonthenewtheories？Thestuffthatawfulwomenraveaboutonplatforms？"

"Oh，Idon’tthinkshepretendedtohaveatheory————"

"Shehadn’teventhatexcuse？"

"Shehadtheexcuseofherloneliness，herunhappiness——ofmiseriesandhumiliationsthatawomanlikeyoucan’tevenguess。Shehadnothingtolookbacktobutindifferenceorunkindness——nothingtolookforwardtobutanxiety。ShesawIwassorryforherandittouchedher。Shemadetoomuchofit——sheexaggeratedit。Ioughttohaveseenthedanger，butIdidn’t。There’snopossibleexcuseforwhatIdid。"

Annalistenedtohiminspeechlessmisery。Everywordhespokethrewbackadisintegratinglightontheirownpast。

Hehadcometoherwithanopenfaceandaclearconscience——cometoherfromthis！Ifhissecuritywasthesecurityoffalsehooditwashorrible；ifitmeantthathehadforgotten，itwasworse。Shewouldhavelikedtostopherears，toclosehereyes，toshutouteverysightandsoundandsuggestionofaworldinwhichsuchthingscouldbe；andatthesametimeshewastormentedbythedesiretoknowmore，tounderstandbetter，tofeelherselflessignorantandinexpertinmatterswhichmadesomuchofthestuffofhumanexperience。Whatdidhemeanby"amoment’sfolly，aflashofmadness"？Howdidpeopleenteronsuchadventures，howpassoutofthemwithoutmorevisibletracesoftheirhavoc？Herimaginationrecoiledfromthevisionofasuddendebasingfamiliarity：itseemedtoherthatherthoughtswouldneveragainbepure……

"Isweartoyou，"sheheardDarrowsaying，"itwassimplythat，andnothingmore。"

Shewonderedathiscomposure，hiscompetence，athisknowingsoexactlywhattosay。Nodoubtmenoftenhadtomakesuchexplanations：theyhadtheformulasbyheart……A

leadenlassitudedescendedonher。Shepassedfromflameandtormentintoacolourlesscoldworldwhereeverythingsurroundingherseemedequallyindifferentandremote。Foramomentshesimplyceasedtofeel。

ShebecameawarethatDarrowwaswaitingforhertospeak，andshemadeanefforttorepresenttoherselfthemeaningofwhathehadjustsaid；buthermindwasasblankasablurredmirror。Finallyshebroughtout："Idon’tthinkI

understandwhatyou’vetoldme。"

"No；youdon’tunderstand，"hereturnedwithsuddenbitterness；andonhislipsthechargeofincomprehensionseemedanoffensetoher。

"Idon’twantto——aboutsuchthings！"

Heansweredalmostharshly："Don’tbeafraid……youneverwill……"andforaninstanttheyfacedeachotherlikeenemies。Thenthetearsswelledinherthroatathisreproach。

"YoumeanIdon’tfeelthings——I’mtoohard？"

"No：you’retoohigh……toofine……suchthingsaretoofarfromyou。"

Hepaused，asifconsciousofthefutilityofgoingonwithwhateverhehadmeanttosay，andagain，forashortspace，theyconfrontedeachother，nolongerasenemies——soitseemedtoher——butasbeingsofdifferentlanguagewhohadforgottenthefewwordstheyhadlearnedofeachother’sspeech。

Darrowbrokethesilence。"It’sbest，onallaccounts，thatIshouldstaytilltomorrow；butIneedn’tintrudeonyou；

weneedn’tmeetagainalone。IonlywanttobesureIknowyourwishes。"Hespoketheshortsentencesinalevelvoice，asthoughheweresumminguptheresultsofabusinessconference。

Annalookedathimvaguely。"Mywishes？"

"AstoOwen————

Atthatshestarted。"Theymustnevermeetagain！"

"It’snotlikelytheywill。WhatImeantwas，thatitdependsonyoutosparehim……"

Sheansweredsteadily："Heshallneverknow，"andafteranotherintervalDarrowsaid："Thisisgood—bye，then。"

Atthewordsheseemedtounderstandforthefirsttimewhithertheflyingmomentshadbeenleadingthem。Resentmentandindignationdieddown，andallherconsciousnessresolveditselfintothemerevisualsensethathewastherebeforeher，nearenoughforhertoliftherhandandtouchhim，andthatinanotherinstanttheplacewherehestoodwouldbeempty。

Shefeltamortalweakness，acravenimpulsetocryouttohimtostay，alongingtothrowherselfintohisarms，andtakerefugetherefromtheunendurableanguishhehadcausedher。Thenthevisioncalledupanotherthought："Ishallneverknowwhatthatgirlhasknown……"andtherecoilofprideflungherbackonthesharpedgesofheranguish。

"Good—bye，"shesaid，indreadlestheshouldreadherface；

andshestoodmotionless，herheadhigh，whilehewalkedtothedoorandwentout。

BOOKV

XXX

AnnaLeath，threedayslater，satinMissPainter’sdrawing—

roomintheruedeMatignon。

Comingupprecipitatelythatmorningfromthecountry，shehadreachedParisatoneo’clockandMissPainter’slandingsometenminuteslater。MissPainter’smouldylittleman—

servant，dissemblinganapkinunderhisarm，hadmildlyattemptedtoopposeherentrance；butAnna，insisting，hadgonestraighttothedining—roomandsurprisedherfriend——

whoateasfurtivelyascertainanimals——overastrangemealofcoldmuttonandlemonade。Ignoringtheembarrassmentshecaused，shehadsetforththeobjectofherjourney，andMissPainter，alwayshattedandbootedforaction，hadimmediatelyhastenedout，leavinghertothesolitudeofthebarefirelessdrawing—roomwithitseternalslip—coversand"bowed"shutters。

InthisinhospitableobscurityAnnahadsataloneforcloseupontwohours。Bothobscurityandsolitudewereacceptabletoher，andimpatientasshewastoheartheresultoftheerrandonwhichshehaddespatchedherhostess，shedesiredstillmoretobealone。Duringherlongmeditationinawhite—swathedchairbeforethemuffledhearthshehadbeenableforthefirsttimetoclearawaythroughthedarknessandconfusionofherthoughts。Thewaydidnotgofar，andherattempttotraceitwasasweakandspasmodicasaconvalescent’sfirsteffortstopickupthethreadofliving。Sheseemedtoherselflikesomeonestrugglingtorisefromalongsicknessofwhichitwouldhavebeensomucheasiertodie。AtGivreshehadfallenintoakindoftorpor，adeadnessofsoultraversedbywildflashesofpain；butwhethershesufferedorwhethershewasnumb，sheseemedequallyremotefromherreallivinganddoingself。

Itwasonlythediscovery——thatverymorning——ofOwen’sunannounceddepartureforParisthathadcaughtheroutofherdreamandforcedherbacktoaction。Thedreadofwhatthisflightmightimply，andoftheconsequencesthatmightresultfromit，hadrousedhertothesenseofherresponsibility，andfromthemomentwhenshehadresolvedtofollowherstep—son，andhadmadeherrapidpreparationsforpursuit，hermindhadbeguntoworkagain，feverishly，fitfully，butstillwithsomethingofitsnormalorder。Inthetrainshehadbeentooagitated，toopreoccupiedwithwhatmightnextawaither，togiveherthoughtstoanythingbuttheturningoverofdreadalternatives；butMissPainter’simperviousnesshadsteadiedher，andwhileshewaitedforthesoundofthelatch—keysheresolutelyreturneduponherself。

Withrespecttoheroutwardcourseshecouldatleasttellherselfthatshehadheldtoherpurpose。Shehad，aspeoplesaid，"keptup"duringthetwenty—fourhoursprecedingGeorgeDarrow’sdeparture；hadgonewithacalmfaceaboutherusualbusiness，andevencontrivednottooobviouslytoavoidhim。Then，thenextdaybeforedawn，frombehindtheclosedshutterswhereshehadkeptforhalfthenightherdry—eyedvigil，shehadheardhimdriveofftothetrainwhichbroughtitspassengerstoParisintimefortheCalaisexpress。

Thefactofhistakingthattrain，ofhistravellingsostraightandfarawayfromher，gavetowhathadhappenedtheimplacableoutlineofreality。Hewasgone；hewouldnotcomeback；andherlifehadendedjustasshehaddreameditwasbeginning。Shehadnodoubt，atfirst，astotheabsoluteinevitabilityofthisconclusion。Themanwhohaddrivenawayfromherhouseintheautumndawnwasnotthemanshehadloved；hewasastrangerwithwhomshehadnotasinglethoughtincommon。Itwasterrible，indeed，thatheworethefaceandspokeinthevoiceofherfriend，andthat，aslongashewasunderoneroofwithher，themerewayinwhichhemovedandlookedcouldbridgeatastrokethegulfbetweenthem。That，nodoubt，wasthefaultofherexaggeratedsensibilitytooutwardthings：shewasfrightenedtoseehowitenslavedher。Adayortwobeforeshehadsupposedthesenseofhonourwasherdeepestsentiment：ifshehadsmiledattheconventionsofothersitwasbecausetheyweretootrivial，notbecausetheyweretoograve。Therewerecertaindishonourswithwhichshehadneverdreamedthatanypactcouldbemade：shehadhadanincorruptiblepassionforgoodfaithandfairness。

Shehadsupposedthat，onceDarrowwasgone，onceshewassafefromthedangerofseeingandhearinghim，thishighdevotionwouldsustainher。Shehadbelieveditwouldbepossibletoseparatetheimageofthemanshehadthoughthimfromthatofthemanhewas。ShehadevenforeseenthehourwhenshemightraiseamournfulshrinetothememoryoftheDarrowshehadloved，withoutfearthathisdouble’sshadowwoulddesecrateit。Butnowshehadbeguntounderstandthatthetwomenwerereallyone。TheDarrowsheworshippedwasinseparablefromtheDarrowsheabhorred；andtheinevitableconclusionwasthatbothmustgo，andshebeleftinthedesertofasorrowwithoutmemories……

Butifthefuturewasthusvoid，thepresentwasalltoofull。Neverhadblowmorecomplexrepercussions；andtorememberOwenwastoceasetothinkofherself。Whatimpulse，whatapprehension，hadsenthimsuddenlytoParis？

Andwhyhadhethoughtitneedfultoconcealhisgoingfromher？WhenSophyVinerhadleft，ithadbeenwiththeunderstandingthathewastoawaithersummons；anditseemedimprobablethathewouldbreakhispledge，andseekherwithoutleave，unlesshislover’sintuitionhadwarnedhimofsomefreshdanger。Annarecalledhowquicklyhehadreadthealarminherfacewhenhehadrushedbacktohersitting—roomwiththenewsthatMissVinerhadpromisedtoseehimagaininParis。Tobesopromptlyroused，hissuspicionsmusthavebeenbuthalf—asleep；andsincethen，nodoubt，ifsheandDarrowhaddissembled，sohadhe。Toherprouddirectnessitwasdegradingtothinkthattheyhadbeenlivingtogetherlikeenemieswhospyuponeachother’smovements：shefeltadesperatelongingforthedayswhichhadseemedsodullandnarrow，butinwhichshehadwalkedwithherheadhighandhereyesunguarded。

ShehadcomeuptoParishardlyknowingwhatperilshefeared，andstilllesshowshecouldavertit。IfOwenmeanttoseeMissViner——andwhatotherobjectcouldhehave？——theymustalreadybetogether，anditwastoolatetointerfere。IthadindeedoccurredtoAnnathatParismightnotbehisobjectivepoint：thathisrealpurposeinleavingGivrewithoutherknowledgehadbeentofollowDarrowtoLondonandexactthetruthofhim。Buteventoheralarmedimaginationthisseemedimprobable。SheandDarrow，tothelast，hadkeptupsocompleteafeintofharmonythat，whateverOwenhadsurmised，hecouldscarcelyhaveriskedactingonhissuspicions。Ifhestillfelttheneedofanexplanation，itwasalmostcertainlyofSophyVinerthathewouldaskit；anditwasinquestofSophyVinerthatAnnahaddespatchedMissPainter。

ShehadfoundablessedrefugefromherperplexitiesinthestolidAdelaide’sunawareness。OnecouldsoabsolutelycountonMissPainter’sguessingnomorethanonechose，andyetactingastutelyonsuchhintsasonevouchsafedher！Shewaslikeawell—trainedretrieverwhoseinterestinhispreyceaseswhenhelaysitathismaster’sfeet。Anna，onarriving，hadexplainedthatOwen’sunannouncedflighthadmadeherfearsomefreshmisunderstandingbetweenhimselfandMissViner。Intheinterestsofpeaceshehadthoughtitbesttofollowhim；butshehastilyaddedthatshedidnotwishtoseeSophy，butonly，ifpossible，tolearnfromherwhereOwenwas。WiththesebriefinstructionsMissPainterhadstartedout；butshewasawomanofmanyoccupations，andhadgivenhervisitortounderstandthatbeforereturningsheshouldhavetocallonafriendwhohadjustarrivedfromBoston，andafterwarddespatchtoanotherexiledcompatriotasupplyofcranberriesandbrandiedpeachesfromtheAmericangroceryintheChampsElysees。

Gradually，asthemomentspassed，Annabegantofeelthereactionwhich，inmomentsofextremenervoustension，followsonanyeffortofthewill。Sheseemedtohavegoneasfarashercouragewouldcarryher，andsheshrankmoreandmorefromthethoughtofMissPainter’sreturn，sincewhateverinformationthelatterbroughtwouldnecessitatesomefreshdecision。WhatshouldshesaytoOwenifshefoundhim？Whatcouldshesaythatshouldnotbetraytheonethingshewouldgiveherlifetohidefromhim？"Giveherlife"——howthephrasederidedher！Itwasagiftshewouldnothavebestowedonherworstenemy。ShewouldnothavehadSophyVinerlivethehoursshewaslivingnow……

Shetriedagaintolooksteadilyandcalmlyatthepicturethattheimageofthegirlevoked。Shehadanideathatsheoughttoaccustomherselftoitscontemplation。Iflifewaslikethat，whythesooneronegotusedtoitthebetter……Butno！Lifewasnotlikethat。Heradventurewasahideousaccident。Shedreadedaboveallthetemptationtogeneralisefromherowncase，todoubtthehighthingsshehadlivedbyandseekacheapsolaceinbelittlingwhatfatehadrefusedher。Therewassuchloveasshehaddreamed，andshemeanttogoonbelievinginit，andcherishingthethoughtthatshewasworthyofit。Whathadhappenedtoherwasgrotesqueandmeanandmiserable；butsheherselfwasnoneofthesethings，andnever，neverwouldshemakeofherselfthemockthatfatehadmadeofher