第5章

Shedroppedintoaseatbesideherdressing—table，restingherchinonherliftedhands，andlaughingoutathimundertheelf—lockwhichhadshakenitselfdownoverhereyes。

Heroutburstdidnotoffendtheyoungman；itsimmediateeffectwasthatofallayinghisagitation。Thetheatricaltouchinhermannermadehisoffenseseemmorevenialthanhehadthoughtitamomentbefore。

Hedrewupachairandsatdownbesideher。"Afterall，"hesaid，inatoneofgood—humouredprotest，"Ineedn’thavetoldyouI’dkeptbackyourletter；andmytellingyouseemsratherstrongproofthatIhadn’tanyverynefariousdesignsonyou。"

Shemetthiswithashrug，buthedidnotgivehertimetoanswer。"Mydesigns，"hecontinuedwithasmile，"werenotnefarious。Isawyou’dbeenthroughabadtimewithMrs。

Murrett，andthattheredidn’tseemtobemuchfunaheadforyou；andIdidn’tsee——andIdon’tyetsee——theharmoftryingtogiveyouafewhoursofamusementbetweenadepressingpastandanotparticularlycheerfulfuture。"Hepausedagain，andthenwenton，inthesametoneoffriendlyreasonableness："ThemistakeImadewasnottotellyouthisatonce——nottoaskyoustraightouttogivemeadayortwo，andletmetrytomakeyouforgetallthethingsthataretroublingyou。IwasafoolnottoseethatifI’dputittoyouinthatwayyou’dhaveacceptedorrefused，asyouchose；butthatatleastyouwouldn’thavemistakenmyintentions。——Intentions！"Hestoodup，walkedthelengthoftheroom，andturnedbacktowhereshestillsatmotionless，herelbowsproppedonthedressing—table，herchinonherhands。"Whatrubbishwetalkaboutintentions！ThetruthisIhadn’tany：Ijustlikedbeingwithyou。Perhapsyoudon’tknowhowextraordinarilyonecanlikebeingwithyou……Iwasdepressedandadriftmyself；andyoumademeforgetmybothers；andwhenIfoundyouweregoing——andgoingbacktodreariness，asIwas——Ididn’tseewhyweshouldn’thaveafewhourstogetherfirst；soIleftyourletterinmypocket。"

Hesawherfacemeltasshelistened，andsuddenlysheunclaspedherhandsandleanedtohim。

"ButareYOUunhappytoo？Oh，Ineverunderstood——I

neverdreamedit！Ithoughtyou’dalwayshadeverythingintheworldyouwanted！"

Darrowbrokeintoalaughatthisingenuouspictureofhisstate。Hewasashamedoftryingtobetterhiscasebyanappealtoherpity，andannoyedwithhimselfforalludingtoasubjecthewouldratherhavekeptoutofhisthoughts。

Butherlookofsympathyhaddisarmedhim；hisheartwasbitteranddistracted；shewasnearhim，hereyeswereshiningwithcompassion——hebentoverherandkissedherhand。

"Forgiveme——doforgiveme，"hesaid。

Shestoodupwithasmilinghead—shake。"Oh，it’snotsooftenthatpeopletrytogivemeanypleasure——muchlesstwowholedaysofit！Isha’n’tforgethowkindyou’vebeen。I

shallhaveplentyoftimetoremember。ButthisISgood—

bye，youknow。ImusttelegraphatoncetosayI’mcoming。"

"Tosayyou’recoming？ThenI’mnotforgiven？"

"Oh，you’reforgiven——ifthat’sanycomfort。"

"It’snot，theveryleast，ifyourwayofprovingitistogoaway！"

Shehungherheadinmeditation。"ButIcan’tstay。——HowCANIstay？"shebrokeout，asifarguingwithsomeunseenmonitor。

"Whycan’tyou？Nooneknowsyou’rehere……Nooneneedeverknow。"

Shelookedup，andtheireyesexchangedmeaningsforarapidminute。Hergazewasasclearasaboy’s。"Oh，it’snotTHAT，"sheexclaimed，almostimpatiently；"it’snotpeopleI’mafraidof！They’veneverputthemselvesoutforme——whyonearthshouldIcareaboutthem？"

Helikedherdirectnessashehadneverlikeditbefore。

"Well，then，whatisit？NotME，Ihope？"

"No，notyou：Ilikeyou。It’sthemoney！Withmethat’salwaystherootofthematter。Icouldneveryetaffordatreatinmylife！"

IsTHATall？"Helaughed，relievedbyhernaturalness。

"Lookhere；sinceweretalkingasmantoman——can’tyoutrustmeaboutthattoo？"

"Trustyou？Howdoyoumean？You’dbetternottrustME！"shelaughedbacksharply。"Imightneverbeabletopayup！"

Hisgesturebrushedasidetheallusion。"Moneymaybetherootofthematter；itcan’tbethewholeofit，betweenfriends。Don’tyouthinkonefriendmayacceptasmallservicefromanotherwithoutlookingtoofaraheadorweighingtoomanychances？Thequestionturnsentirelyonwhatyouthinkofme。Ifyoulikemewellenoughtobewillingtotakeafewdays’holidaywithme，justforthepleasureofthething，andthepleasureyou’llbegivingme，let’sshakehandsonit。Ifyoudon’tlikemewellenoughwe’llshakehandstoo；onlyIshallbesorry，"heended。

"Oh，butIshallbesorrytoo！"Herface，assheliftedittohis，lookedsosmallandyoungthatDarrowfeltafugitivetwingeofcompunction，instantlyeffacedbytheexcitementofpursuit。

"Well，then？"Hestoodlookingdownonher，hiseyespersuadingher。Hewasnowintenselyawarethathisnearnesswashavinganeffectwhichmadeitlessandlessnecessaryforhimtochoosehiswords，andhewenton，moremindfuloftheinflectionsofhisvoicethanofwhathewasactuallysaying："Whyonearthshouldwesaygood—byeifwe’rebothsorryto？Won’tyoutellmeyourreason？It’snotabitlikeyoutoletanythingstandinthewayofyoursayingjustwhatyoufeel。Youmustn’tmindoffendingme，youknow！"

Shehungbeforehimlikealeafonthemeetingofcross—

currents，thatthenextripplemaysweepforwardorwhirlback。Thensheflungupherheadwiththeoddboyishmovementhabitualtoherinmomentsofexcitement。"WhatI

feel？DoyouwanttoknowwhatIfeel？Thatyou’regivingmetheonlychanceI’veeverhad！"

Sheturnedaboutonherheeland，droppingintothenearestchair，sankforward，herfacehiddenagainstthedressing—

table。

Underthefoldsofherthinsummerdressthemodellingofherbackandofherliftedarms，andtheslighthollowbetweenhershoulder—blades，recalledthefaintcurvesofaterra—cottastatuette，someyoungimageofgracehardlymorethansketchedintheclay。Darrow，ashestoodlookingather，reflectedthathercharacter，forallitsseemingfirmness，itsflashingedgesof"opinion"，wasprobablynolessimmature。Hehadnotexpectedhertoyieldsosuddenlytohissuggestion，ortoconfessheryieldinginthatway。

Atfirsthewasslightlydisconcerted；thenhesawhowherattitudesimplifiedhisown。Herbehaviourhadalltheindecisionandawkwardnessofinexperience。Itshowedthatshewasachildafterall；andallhecoulddo——allhehadevermeanttodo——wastogiveherachild’sholidaytolookbackto。

Foramomenthefanciedshewascrying；butthenextshewasonherfeetandhadsweptroundonhimafaceshemusthaveturnedawayonlytohidethefirstrushofherpleasure。

Forawhiletheyshoneoneachotherwithoutspeaking；thenshesprangtohimandheldoutbothhands。

"Isittrue？Isitreallytrue？IsitreallygoingtohappentoME？"

Hefeltlikeanswering："You’retheverycreaturetowhomitwasboundtohappen"；butthewordshadadoublesensethatmadehimwince，andinsteadhecaughtherprofferedhandsandstoodlookingatheracrossthelengthofherarms，withoutattemptingtobendthemortodrawhercloser。Hewantedhertoknowhowherwordshadmovedhim；buthisthoughtswereblurredbytherushofthesameemotionthatpossessedher，andhisownwordscamewithaneffort。

Heendedbygivingherbackalaughasfrankasherown，anddeclaring，ashedroppedherhands："Allthatandmoretoo——

you’llsee！"

VIII

Allday，sincethelatereluctantdawn，therainhadcomedownintorrents。ItstreamedagainstDarrow’shigh—perchedwindows，reducedtheirvastprospectofroofsandchimneystoablackoilyhuddle，andfilledtheroomwiththedrabtwilightofanundergroundaquarium。

Thestreamsdescendedwiththeregularityofathirdday’srain，whentrimmingandshufflingareover，andtheweatherhassettleddowntodoitsworst。Therewerenovariationsofrhythm，nolyricalupsanddowns：thegreylinesstreakingthepaneswereasdenseanduniformasapageofunparagraphednarrative。

GeorgeDarrowhaddrawnhisarmchairtothefire。Thetime—

tablehehadbeenstudyinglayonthefloor，andhesatstaringwithdullacquiescenceintotheboundlessblurofrain，whichaffectedhimlikeavastprojectionofhisownstateofmind。Thenhiseyestravelledslowlyabouttheroom。

Itwasexactlytendayssincehishurriedunpackinghadstrewnitwiththecontentsofhisportmanteaux。Hisbrushesandrazorswerespreadoutontheblotchedmarbleofthechestofdrawers。Astackofnewspapershadaccumulatedonthecentretableunderthe"electrolier"，andhalfadozenpapernovelslayonthemantelpieceamongcigar—casesandtoiletbottles；butthesetracesofhispassagehadmadenomarkonthefeaturelessdulnessoftheroom，itslookofbeingthemakeshiftsettingofinnumerabletransientcollocations。Therewassomethingsardonic，almostsinister，initsappearanceofhavingdeliberately"madeup"

foritsanonymouspart，allinnoncommittaldrabsandbrowns，withacarpetandpaperthatnobodywouldremember，andchairsandtablesasimpersonalasrailwayporters。

Darrowpickedupthetime—tableandtosseditontothetable。Thenherosetohisfeet，litacigarandwenttothewindow。Throughtherainhecouldjustdiscoverthefaceofaclockinatallbuildingbeyondtherailwayroofs。

Hepulledouthiswatch，comparedthetwotime—pieces，andstartedthehandsofhiswithsucharushthattheyflewpastthehourandhehadtomakethemrepeatthecircuitmoredeliberately。Hefeltaquitedisproportionateirritationatthetriflingblunder。Whenhehadcorrectedithewentbacktohischairandthrewhimselfdown，leaningbackhisheadagainsthishands。Presentlyhiscigarwentout，andhegotup，huntedforthematches，lititagainandreturnedtohisseat。

Theroomwasgettingonhisnerves。Duringthefirstfewdays，whiletheskieswereclear，hehadnotnoticedit，orhadfeltforitonlythecontemptuousindifferenceofthetravellertowardaprovisionalshelter。Butnowthathewasleavingit，waslookingatitforthelasttime，itseemedtohavetakencompletepossessionofhismind，tobesoakingitselfintohimlikeanuglyindelibleblot。Everydetailpresseditselfonhisnoticewiththefamiliarityofanaccidentalconfidant：whicheverwayheturned，hefeltthenudgeofatransientintimacy……

TheonefixedpointinhisimmediatefuturewasthathisleavewasoverandthathemustbebackathispostinLondonthenextmorning。Withintwenty—fourhourshewouldagainbeinadaylightworldofrecognizedactivities，himselfabusy，responsible，relativelynecessaryfactorinthebigwhirringsocialandofficialmachine。Thatfixedobligationwasthefacthecouldthinkofwiththeleastdiscomfort，yetforsomeunaccountablereasonitwastheoneonwhichhefounditmostdifficulttofixhisthoughts。

Wheneverhedidso，theroomjerkedhimbackintothecircleofitsinsistentassociations。Itwasextraordinarywithwhatamicroscopicminutenessofloathinghehateditall：

thegrimycarpetandwallpaper，theblackmarblemantel—

piece，theclockwithagiltallegoryunderadustybell，thehigh—bolsteredbrown—counterpanedbed，theframedcardofprintedrulesundertheelectriclightswitch，andthedoorofcommunicationwiththenextroom。Hehatedthedoormostofall……

Attheoutset，hehadfeltnospecialsenseofresponsibility。Hewassatisfiedthathehadstrucktherightnote，andconvincedofhispowerofsustainingit。

Thewholeincidenthadsomehowseemed，inspiteofitsvulgarsettinganditsinevitableprosaicpropinquities，tobeenactingitselfinsomeunmappedregionoutsidethepaleoftheusual。Itwasnotlikeanythingthathadeverhappenedtohimbefore，orinwhichhehadeverpicturedhimselfaslikelytobeinvolved；butthat，atfirst，hadseemednoargumentagainsthisfitnesstodealwithit。

Perhapsbutforthethreedays’rainhemighthavegotawaywithoutadoubtastohisadequacy。Therainhadmadeallthedifference。Ithadthrownthewholepictureoutofperspective，blottedoutthemysteryoftheremoterplanesandtheenchantmentofthemiddledistance，andthrustintoprominenceeverycommonplacefactoftheforeground。Itwasthekindofsituationthatwasnothelpedbybeingthoughtover；andbytheperversityofcircumstancehehadbeenforcedintotheunwillingcontemplationofitseveryaspect……

Hiscigarhadgoneoutagain，andhethrewitintothefireandvaguelymeditatedgettinguptofindanother。Butthemereactofleavinghischairseemedtocallforagreaterexertionofthewillthanhewascapableof，andheleanedhisheadbackwithclosedeyesandlistenedtothedrummingoftherain。

Adifferentnoisearousedhim。Itwastheopeningandclosingofthedoorleadingfromthecorridorintotheadjoiningroom。Hesatmotionless，withoutopeninghiseyes；butnowanothersightforceditselfunderhisloweredlids。Itwastheprecisephotographicpictureofthatotherroom。Everythinginitrosebeforehimandpresseditselfuponhisvisionwiththesameacuityofdistinctnessastheobjectssurroundinghim。Astepsoundedonthefloor，andheknewwhichwaythestepwasdirected，whatpiecesoffurnitureithadtoskirt，whereitwouldprobablypause，andwhatwaslikelytoarrestit。Heheardanothersound，andrecognizeditasthatofawetumbrellaplacedintheblackmarblejambofthechimney—piece，againstthehearth。

Hecaughtthecreakofahinge，andinstantlydifferentiateditasthatofthewardrobeagainsttheoppositewall。Thenheheardthemouse—likesquealofareluctantdrawer，andknewitwastheupperoneinthechestofdrawersbesidethebed：theclatterwhichfollowedwascausedbythemahoganytoilet—glassjumpingonitsloosenedpivots……

Thestepcrossedtheflooragain。Itwasstrangehowmuchbetterheknewitthanthepersontowhomitbelonged！Nowitwasdrawingnearthedoorofcommunicationbetweenthetworooms。Heopenedhiseyesandlooked。Thestephadceasedandforamomenttherewassilence。Thenheheardalowknock。Hemadenoresponse，andafteranintervalhesawthatthedoorhandlewasbeingtentativelyturned。Heclosedhiseyesoncemore……

Thedooropened，andthestepwasintheroom，comingcautiouslytowardhim。Hekepthiseyesshut，relaxinghisbodytofeignsleep。Therewasanotherpause，thenawaveringsoftadvance，therustleofadressbehindhischair，thewarmthoftwohandspressedforamomentonhislids。ThepalmsofthehandshadthelingeringscentofsomestuffthathehadboughtontheBoulevard……Helookedupandsawaletterfallingoverhisshouldertohisknee……

"DidIdisturbyou？I’msosorry！TheygavemethisjustnowwhenIcamein。"

Theletter，beforehecouldcatchit，hadslippedbetweenhiskneestothefloor。Itlaythere，addressupward，athisfeet，andwhilehesatstaringdownatthestrongslendercharactersontheblue—grayenvelopeanarmreachedoutfrombehindtopickitup。

"Oh，don’t——DON’T"brokefromhim，andhebentoverandcaughtthearm。Thefaceaboveitwasclosetohis。

"Don’twhat？"

————"takethetrouble，"hestammered。

Hedroppedthearmandstoopeddown。Hisgraspclosedovertheletter，hefingereditsthicknessandweightandcalculatedthenumberofsheetsitmustcontain。

Suddenlyhefeltthepressureofthehandonhisshoulder，andbecameawarethatthefacewasstillleaningoverhim，andthatinamomenthewouldhavetolookupandkissit……

Hebentforwardfirstandthrewtheunopenedletterintothemiddleofthefire。

BOOKII

IX

ThelightoftheOctoberafternoonlayonanoldhigh—roofedhousewhichenclosedinitslongexpanseofbrickandyellowishstonethebreadthofagrassycourtfilledwiththeshadowandsoundoflimes。

Fromtheescutcheonedpiersattheentranceofthecourtaleveldrive，alsoshadedbylimes，extendedtoawhite—

barredgatebeyondwhichanequallylevelavenueofgrass，cutthroughawood，dwindledtoablue—greenbluragainstaskybankedwithstillwhiteslopesofcloud。

Inthecourt，half—waybetweenhouseanddrive，aladystood。Sheheldaparasolaboveherhead，andlookednowatthehouse—front，withitsdoubleflightofstepsmeetingbeforeaglazeddoorundersculpturedtrophies，nowdownthedrivetowardthegrassycuttingthroughthewood。Herairwaslessofexpectancythanofcontemplation：sheseemednotsomuchtobewatchingforanyone，orlisteningforanapproachingsound，aslettingthewholeaspectoftheplacesinkintoherwhilesheheldherselfopentoitsinfluence。

Yetitwasnolessapparentthatthescenewasnotnewtoher。Therewasnoeagernessofinvestigationinhersurvey：

sheseemedrathertobelookingaboutherwitheyestowhich，forsomeintimateinwardreason，detailslongsincefamiliarhadsuddenlyacquiredanunwontedfreshness。

ThiswasinfacttheexactsensationofwhichMrs。Leathwasconsciousasshecameforthfromthehouseanddescendedintothesunlitcourt。Shehadcometomeetherstep—son，whowaslikelytobereturningatthathourfromanafternoon’sshootinginoneofthemoredistantplantations，andshecarriedinherhandtheletterwhichhadsentherinsearchofhim；butwithherfirststepoutofthehouseallthoughtofhimhadbeeneffacedbyanotherseriesofimpressions。

Thesceneaboutherwasknowntosatiety。ShehadseenGivreatallseasonsoftheyear，andforthegreaterpartofeveryyear，sincethefar—offdayofhermarriage；thedaywhen，ostensiblydrivingthroughitsgatesatherhusband’sside，shehadactuallybeencarriedthereonacloudofiris—wingedvisions。

Thepossibilitieswhichtheplacehadthenrepresentedwerestillvividlypresenttoher。Themerephrase"aFrenchchateau"hadcalleduptoheryouthfulfancyathrongofromanticassociations，poetic，pictorialandemotional；andtheserenefaceoftheoldhouseseatedinitsparkamongthepoplar—borderedmeadowsofmiddleFrance，hadseemed，onherfirstsightofit，toholdouttoherafateasnobleanddignifiedasitsownmien。

Thoughshecouldstillcallupthatphaseoffeelingithadlongsincepassed，andthehousehadforatimebecometohertheverysymbolofnarrownessandmonotony。Then，withthepassingofyears，ithadgraduallyacquiredalessinimicalcharacter，hadbecome，notagainacastleofdreams，evokeroffairimagesandromanticlegend，buttheshellofalifeslowlyadjustedtoitsdwelling：theplaceonecamebackto，theplacewhereonehadone’sduties，one’shabitsandone’sbooks，theplaceonewouldnaturallyliveintillonedied：adullhouse，aninconvenienthouse，ofwhichoneknewallthedefects，theshabbinesses，thediscomforts，buttowhichonewassousedthatonecouldhardly，aftersolongatime，thinkone’sselfawayfromitwithoutsufferingacertainlossofidentity。

Now，asitlaybeforeherintheautumnmildness，itsmistresswassurprisedatherowninsensibility。Shehadbeentryingtoseethehousethroughtheeyesofanoldfriendwho，thenextmorning，wouldbedrivinguptoitforthefirsttime；andinsodoingsheseemedtobeopeningherowneyesuponitafteralongintervalofblindness。

Thecourtwasverystill，yetfullofalatentlife：thewheelingandrustlingofpigeonsabouttherectangularyewsandacrossthesunnygravel；thesweepofrooksabovethelustrousgreyish—purpleslatesoftheroof，andthestirofthetree—topsastheymetthebreezewhicheveryday，atthathour，camepunctuallyupfromtheriver。

JustsuchalatentanimationglowedinAnnaLeath。Ineverynerveandveinshewasconsciousofthatequipoiseofblisswhichthefearfulhumanheartscarcedaresacknowledge。Shewasnotusedtostrongorfullemotions；butshehadalwaysknownthatsheshouldnotbeafraidofthem。Shewasnotafraidnow；butshefeltadeepinwardstillness。

Theimmediateeffectofthefeelinghadbeentosendherforthinquestofherstep—son。Shewantedtostrollbackwithhimandhaveaquiettalkbeforetheyre—enteredthehouse。Itwasalwayseasytotalktohim，andatthismomenthewastheonepersontowhomshecouldhavespokenwithoutfearofdisturbingherinnerstillness。Shewasglad，forallsortsofreasons，thatMadamedeChantelleandEffiewerestillatOuchywiththegoverness，andthatsheandOwenhadthehousetothemselves。Andshewasgladthatevenhewasnotyetinsight。Shewantedtobealonealittlelonger；nottothink，buttoletthelongslowwavesofjoybreakoverheronebyone。

Shewalkedoutofthecourtandsatdownononeofthebenchesthatborderedthedrive。Fromherseatshehadadiagonalviewofthelonghouse—frontandofthedomedchapelterminatingoneofthewings。Beyondagateinthecourt—yardwalltheflower—gardendrewitsdark—greensquaresandraiseditsstatuesagainsttheyellowingbackgroundofthepark。Inthebordersonlyafewlatepinksandcrimsonssmouldered，butapeacockstruttinginthesunseemedtohavegatheredintohisout—spreadfanallthesummergloriesoftheplace。

InMrs。Leath’shandwastheletterwhichhadopenedhereyestothesethings，andasmilerosetoherlipsatthemerefeelingofthepaperbetweenherfingers。Thethrillitsentthroughhergaveakeeneredgetoeverysense。Shefelt，saw，breathedtheshiningworldasthoughathinimpenetrableveilhadsuddenlybeenremovedfromit。

Justsuchaveil，shenowperceived，hadalwayshungbetweenherselfandlife。Ithadbeenlikethestagegauzewhichgivesanillusiveairofrealitytothepaintedscenebehindit，yetprovesit，afterall，tobenomorethanapaintedscene。

Shehadbeenhardlyaware，inhergirlhood，ofdifferingfromothersinthisrespect。Inthewell—regulatedwell—fedSummersworldtheunusualwasregardedaseitherimmoralorill—bred，andpeoplewithemotionswerenotvisited。

Sometimes，withasenseofgropinginatopsy—turvyuniverse，Annahadwonderedwhyeverybodyaboutherseemedtoignoreallthepassionsandsensationswhichformedthestuffofgreatpoetryandmemorableaction。Inacommunitycomposedentirelyofpeoplelikeherparentsandherparents’friendsshedidnotseehowthemagnificentthingsonereadaboutcouldeverhavehappened。Shewassurethatifanythingofthekindhadoccurredinherimmediatecirclehermotherwouldhaveconsultedthefamilyclergyman，andherfatherperhapsevenhaverungupthepolice；andhersenseofhumourcompelledhertoownthat，inthegivenconditions，theseprecautionsmightnothavebeenunjustified。

Littlebylittletheconditionsconqueredher，andshelearnedtoregardthesubstanceoflifeasamerecanvasfortheembroideriesofpoetandpainter，anditslittlesweptandfencedandtendedsurfaceasitsactualsubstance。Itwasinthevisionedregionofactionandemotionthatherfullesthourswerespent；butithardlyoccurredtoherthattheymightbetranslatedintoexperience，orconnectedwithanythinglikelytohappentoayoungladylivinginWestFifty—fifthStreet。

Sheperceived，indeed，thatothergirls，leadingoutwardlythesamelifeasherself，andseeminglyunawareofherworldofhiddenbeauty，wereyetpossessedofsomevitalsecretwhichescapedher。Thereseemedtobeakindoffreemasonrybetweenthem；theywerewiderawakethanshe，morealert，andsureroftheirwantsifnotoftheiropinions。Shesupposedtheywere"cleverer"，andacceptedherinferioritygood—humouredly，halfaware，withinherself，ofareserveofunusedpowerwhichtheothersgavenosignofpossessing。

Thispartlyconsoledherformissingsomuchofwhatmadetheir"goodtime"；buttheresultingsenseofexclusion，ofbeingsomehowlaughinglybutfirmlydebarredfromashareoftheirprivileges，threwherbackonherselfanddeepenedthereservewhichmadeenviousmothersciteherasamodelofladylikerepression。