第4章

YourGermanisnotaverseeventowildscenery，provideditbenottoowild。Butifheconsiderittoosavage，hesetstoworktotameit。Iremember，intheneighbourhoodofDresden，discoveringapicturesqueandnarrowvalleyleadingdowntowardstheElbe。Thewindingroadwayranbesideamountaintorrent，whichforamileorsofrettedandfoamedoverrocksandbouldersbetweenwood—coveredbanks。Ifolloweditenchanteduntil，turningacorner，Isuddenlycameacrossagangofeightyorahundredworkmen。Theywerebusytidyingupthatvalley，andmakingthatstreamrespectable。Allthestonesthatwereimpedingthecourseofthewatertheywerecarefullypickingoutandcartingaway。Thebankoneithersidetheywerebrickingupandcementing。Theoverhangingtreesandbushes，thetangledvinesandcreeperstheywererootingupandtrimmingdown。AlittlefurtherIcameuponthefinishedwork——themountainvalleyasitoughttobe，accordingtoGermanideas。Thewater，nowabroad，sluggishstream，flowedoveralevel，gravellybed，betweentwowallscrownedwithstonecoping。Ateveryhundredyardsitgentlydescendeddownthreeshallowwoodenplatforms。Foraspaceoneithersidethegroundhadbeencleared，andatregularintervalsyoungpoplarsplanted。Eachsaplingwasprotectedbyashieldofwickerworkandbossedbyanironrod。Inthecourseofacoupleofyearsitisthehopeofthelocalcounciltohave"finished"thatvalleythroughoutitsentirelength，andmadeitfitforatidy—mindedloverofGermannaturetowalkin。Therewillbeaseateveryfiftyyards，apolicenoticeeveryhundred，andarestauranteveryhalf—mile。

TheyaredoingthesamefromtheMemeltotheRhine。Theyarejusttidyingupthecountry。IrememberwelltheWehrthal。ItwasoncethemostromanticravinetobefoundintheBlackForest。ThelasttimeIwalkeddownitsomehundredsofItalianworkmenwereencampedtherehardatwork，trainingthewildlittleWehrthewayitshouldgo，brickingthebanksforithere，blastingtherocksforitthere，makingcementstepsforitdownwhichitcantravelsoberlyandwithoutfuss。

ForinGermanythereisnononsensetalkedaboutuntrammellednature。InGermanynaturehasgottobehaveherself，andnotsetabadexampletothechildren。AGermanpoet，noticingwaterscomingdownasSoutheydescribes，somewhatinexactly，thewaterscomingdownatLodore，wouldbetooshockedtostopandwritealliterativeverseaboutthem。Hewouldhurryaway，andatoncereportthemtothepolice。Thentheirfoamingandtheirshriekingwouldbeofshortduration。

"Nowthen，nowthen，what’sallthisabout？"thevoiceofGermanauthoritywouldsayseverelytothewaters。"Wecan’thavethissortofthing，youknow。Comedownquietly，can’tyou？Wheredoyouthinkyouare？"

AndthelocalGermancouncilwouldprovidethosewaterswithzincpipesandwoodentroughs，andacorkscrewstaircase，andshowthemhowtocomedownsensibly，intheGermanmanner。

ItisatidylandisGermany。

WereachedDresdenontheWednesdayevening，andstayedthereovertheSunday。

Takingoneconsiderationwithanother，Dresden，perhaps，isthemostattractivetowninGermany；butitisaplacetobelivedinforawhileratherthanvisited。Itsmuseumsandgalleries，itspalacesandgardens，itsbeautifulandhistoricallyrichenvironment，providepleasureforawinter，butbewilderforaweek。IthasnotthegaietyofParisorVienna，whichquicklypalls；itscharmsaremoresolidlyGerman，andmorelasting。ItistheMeccaofthemusician。Forfiveshillings，inDresden，youcanpurchaseastallattheoperahouse，together，unfortunately，withastrongdisinclinationeveragaintotakethetroubleofsittingoutaperformanceinanyEnglish，French，or，Americanoperahouse。

ThechiefscandalofDresdenstillcentresroundAugusttheStrong，"theManofSin，"asCarlylealwayscalledhim，whoispopularlyreputedtohavecursedEuropewithoverathousandchildren。

Castleswhereheimprisonedthisdiscardedmistressorthat——oneofthem，whopersistedinherclaimtoabettertitle，forfortyyears，itissaid，poorlady！Thenarrowroomswheresheateherheartoutanddiedarestillshown。Chateaux，shamefulforthisdeedofinfamyorthat，liescatteredroundtheneighbourhoodlikebonesaboutabattlefield；andmostofyourguide’sstoriesaresuchasthe"youngperson"educatedinGermanyhadbestnothear。

Hislife—sizedportraithangsinthefineZwinger，whichhebuiltasanarenaforhiswildbeastfightswhenthepeoplegrewtiredoftheminthemarket—place；abeetle—browed，franklyanimalman，butwiththecultureandtastethatsooftenwaituponanimalism。

ModernDresdenundoubtedlyowesmuchtohim。

ButwhatthestrangerinDresdenstaresatmostis，perhaps，itselectrictrams。Thesehugevehiclesflashthroughthestreetsatfromtentotwentymilesanhour，takingcurvesandcornersafterthemannerofanIrishcardriver。Everybodytravelsbythem，exceptingonlyofficersinuniform，whomustnot。Ladiesineveningdress，goingtoballoropera，porterswiththeirbaskets，sitsidebyside。Theyareall—importantinthestreets，andeverythingandeverybodymakeshastetogetoutoftheirway。Ifyoudonotgetoutoftheirway，andyoustillhappentobealivewhenpickedup，thenonyourrecoveryyouarefinedforhavingbeenintheirway。Thisteachesyoutobewaryofthem。

OneafternoonHarristooka"bummel"byhimself。Intheevening，aswesatlisteningtothebandattheBelvedere，Harrissaid，aproposofnothinginparticular，"TheseGermanshavenosenseofhumour。"

"Whatmakesyouthinkthat？"Iasked。

"Why，thisafternoon，"heanswered，"Ijumpedononeofthoseelectrictramcars。Iwantedtoseethetown，soIstoodoutsideonthelittleplatform——whatdoyoucallit？"

"TheStehplatz，"Isuggested。

"That’sit，"saidHarris。"Well，youknowthewaytheyshakeyouabout，andhowyouhavetolookoutforthecorners，andmindyourselfwhentheystopandwhentheystart？"

Inodded。

"Therewereabouthalfadozenofusstandingthere，"hecontinued，"and，ofcourse，Iamnotexperienced。Thethingstartedsuddenly，andthatjerkedmebackwards。Ifellagainstastoutgentleman，justbehindme。Hecouldnothavebeenstandingveryfirmlyhimself，andhe，inhisturn，fellbackagainstaboywhowascarryingatrumpetinagreenbaizecase。Theyneversmiled，neitherthemannortheboywiththetrumpet；theyjuststoodthereandlookedsulky。IwasgoingtosayIwassorry，butbeforeI

couldgetthewordsoutthetrameasedup，forsomereasonorother，andthat，ofcourse，shotmeforwardagain，andIbuttedintoawhite—hairedoldchap，wholookedtomelikeaprofessor。

Well，HEneversmiled，nevermovedamuscle。"

"Maybe，hewasthinkingofsomethingelse，"Isuggested。

"Thatcouldnothavebeenthecasewiththemall，"repliedHarris，"andinthecourseofthatjourney，Imusthavefallenagainsteveryoneofthematleastthreetimes。Yousee，"explainedHarris，"theyknewwhenthecornerswerecoming，andinwhichdirectiontobracethemselves。I，asastranger，wasnaturallyatadisadvantage。ThewayIrolledandstaggeredaboutthatplatform，clutchingwildlynowatthismanandnowatthat，musthavebeenreallycomic。Idon’tsayitwashigh—classhumour，butitwouldhaveamusedmostpeople。ThoseGermansseemedtoseenofuninitwhatever——justseemedanxious，thatwasall。Therewasoneman，alittleman，whostoodwithhisbackagainstthebrake；I

fellagainsthimfivetimes，Icountedthem。Youwouldhaveexpectedthefifthtimewouldhavedraggedalaughoutofhim，butitdidn’t；hemerelylookedtired。Theyareadulllot。"

GeorgealsohadanadventureatDresden。TherewasashopneartheAltmarkt，inthewindowofwhichwereexhibitedsomecushionsforsale。Theproperbusinessoftheshopwashandlingofglassandchina；thecushionsappearedtobeinthenatureofanexperiment。

Theywereverybeautifulcushions，hand—embroideredonsatin。Weoftenpassedtheshop，andeverytimeGeorgepausedandexaminedthosecushions。Hesaidhethoughthisauntwouldlikeone。

Georgehasbeenveryattentivetothisauntofhisduringthejourney。Hehaswrittenherquitealonglettereveryday，andfromeverytownwestopathesendsheroffapresent。Tomymind，heisoverdoingthebusiness，andmorethanonceIhaveexpostulatedwithhim。Hisauntwillbemeetingotheraunts，andtalkingtothem；thewholeclasswillbecomedisorganisedandunruly。Asanephew，IobjecttotheimpossiblestandardthatGeorgeissettingup。Buthewillnotlisten。

ThereforeitwasthatontheSaturdayheleftusafterlunch，sayinghewouldgoroundtothatshopandgetoneofthosecushionsforhisaunt。Hesaidhewouldnotbelong，andsuggestedourwaitingforhim。

Wewaitedforwhatseemedtomeratheralongtime。Whenherejoinedushewasemptyhanded，andlookedworried。Weaskedhimwherehiscushionwas。Hesaidhehadn’tgotacushion，saidhehadchangedhismind，saidhedidn’tthinkhisauntwouldcareforacushion。Evidentlysomethingwasamiss。Wetriedtogetatthebottomofit，buthewasnotcommunicative。Indeed，hisanswersafterourtwentiethquestionorthereaboutsbecamequiteshort。

Intheevening，however，whenheandIhappenedtobealone，hebroachedthesubjecthimself。Hesaid：

"Theyaresomewhatpeculiarinsomethings，theseGermans。"

Isaid："Whathashappened？"

"Well，"heanswered，"therewasthatcushionIwanted。"

"Foryouraunt，"Iremarked。

"Whynot？"hereturned。Hewashuffyinamoment；Ineverknewamansotouchyaboutanaunt。"Whyshouldn’tIsendacushiontomyaunt？"

"Don’tgetexcited，"Ireplied。"Iamnotobjecting；Irespectyouforit。"

Herecoveredhistemper，andwenton：

"Therewerefourinthewindow，ifyouremember，allverymuchalike，andeachonelabelledinplainfigurestwentymarks。I

don’tpretendtospeakGermanfluently，butIcangenerallymakemyselfunderstoodwithalittleeffort，andgatherthesenseofwhatissaidtome，providedtheydon’tgabble。Iwentintotheshop。Ayounggirlcameuptome；shewasapretty，quietlittlesoul，onemightalmostsay，demure；notatallthesortofgirlfromwhomyouwouldhaveexpectedsuchathing。Iwasnevermoresurprisedinallmylife。"

"Surprisedaboutwhat？"Isaid。

Georgealwaysassumesyouknowtheendofthestorywhileheistellingyouthebeginning；itisanannoyingmethod。

"Atwhathappened，"repliedGeorge；"atwhatIamtellingyou。ShesmiledandaskedmewhatIwanted。Iunderstoodthatallright；

therecouldhavebeennomistakeaboutthat。Iputdownatwentymarkpieceonthecounterandsaid：

"Pleasegivemeacushion。"

"ShestaredatmeasifIhadaskedforafeatherbed。Ithought，maybe，shehadnotheard，soIrepeateditlouder。IfIhadchuckedherunderthechinshecouldnothavelookedmoresurprisedorindignant。

"ShesaidshethoughtImustbemakingamistake。

"Ididnotwanttobeginalongconversationandfindmyselfstranded。Isaidtherewasnomistake。Ipointedtomytwentymarkpiece，andrepeatedforthethirdtimethatIwantedacushion，’atwentymarkcushion。’

"Anothergirlcameup，aneldergirl；andthefirstgirlrepeatedtoherwhatIhadjustsaid：sheseemedquiteexcitedaboutit。

Thesecondgirldidnotbelieveher——didnotthinkIlookedthesortofmanwhowouldwantacushion。Tomakesure，sheputthequestiontomeherself。

"’Didyousayyouwantedacushion？’sheasked。

"’Ihavesaiditthreetimes，’Ianswered。’Iwillsayitagain——I

wantacushion。’

"Shesaid：’Thenyoucan’thaveone。’

"Iwasgettingangrybythistime。IfIhadn’treallywantedthethingIshouldhavewalkedoutoftheshop；buttherethecushionswereinthewindow，evidentlyforsale。Ididn’tseeWHYI

couldn’thaveone。

"Isaid：’Iwillhaveone！’Itisasimplesentence。Isaiditwithdetermination。

"Athirdgirlcameupatthispoint，thethreerepresenting，I

fancy，thewholeforceoftheshop。Shewasabright—eyed，saucy—

lookinglittlewench，thislastone。OnanyotheroccasionImighthavebeenpleasedtoseeher；now，hercomingonlyirritatedme。I

didn’tseetheneedofthreegirlsforthisbusiness。

"Thefirsttwogirlsstartedexplainingthethingtothethirdgirl，andbeforetheywerehalf—waythroughthethirdgirlbegantogiggle——shewasthesortofgirlwhowouldgiggleatanything。

Thatdone，theyfelltochatteringlikeJennyWrens，allthreetogether；andbetweeneveryhalf—dozenwordstheylookedacrossatme；andthemoretheylookedatmethemorethethirdgirlgiggled；

andbeforetheyhadfinishedtheywereallthreegiggling，thelittleidiots；youmighthavethoughtIwasaclown，givingaprivateperformance。

"Whenshewassteadyenoughtomove，thethirdgirlcameuptome；

shewasstillgiggling。Shesaid：

"’Ifyougetit，willyougo？’

"Ididnotquiteunderstandheratfirst，andsherepeatedit。

"’Thiscushion。Whenyou’vegotit，willyougo——away——atonce？’

"Iwasonlytooanxioustogo。Itoldherso。But，IaddedIwasnotgoingwithoutit。IhadmadeupmymindtohavethatcushionnowifIstoppedintheshopallnightforit。

"Sherejoinedtheothertwogirls。Ithoughttheyweregoingtogetmethecushionandhavedonewiththebusiness。Insteadofthat，thestrangestthingpossiblehappened。Thetwoothergirlsgotbehindthefirstgirl，allthreestillgiggling，Heavenknowswhatabout，andpushedhertowardsme。Theypushedhercloseuptome，andthen，beforeIknewwhatwashappening，sheputherhandsonmyshoulders，stoodupontiptoe，andkissedme。Afterwhich，buryingherfaceinherapron，sheranoff，followedbythesecondgirl。Thethirdgirlopenedthedoorforme，andsoevidentlyexpectedmetogo，thatinmyconfusionIwent，leavingmytwentymarksbehindme。Idon’tsayImindedthekiss，thoughIdidnotparticularlywantit，whileIdidwantthecushion。Idon’tliketogobacktotheshop。Icannotunderstandthethingatall。"

Isaid："Whatdidyouaskfor？"

Hesaid："Acushion"

Isaid："Thatiswhatyouwanted，Iknow。WhatImeanis，whatwastheactualGermanwordyousaid。"

Hereplied："Akuss。"

Isaid："Youhavenothingtocomplainof。Itissomewhatconfusing。A’kuss’soundsasifitoughttobeacushion，butitisnot；itisakiss，whilea’kissen’isacushion。Youmuddledupthetwowords——peoplehavedoneitbefore。Idon’tknowmuchaboutthissortofthingmyself；butyouaskedforatwentymarkkiss，andfromyourdescriptionofthegirlsomepeoplemightconsiderthepricereasonable。Anyhow，IshouldnottellHarris。

IfIrememberrightly，healsohasanaunt。"

Georgeagreedwithmeitwouldbebetternot。

CHAPTERVIII

Mr。andMissJones，ofManchester——Thebenefitsofcocoa——AhinttothePeaceSociety——Thewindowasamediaevalargument——ThefavouriteChristianrecreation——Thelanguageoftheguide——Howtorepairtheravagesoftime——Georgetriesabottle——ThefateoftheGermanbeerdrinker——HarrisandIresolvetodoagoodaction——Theusualsortofstatue——Harrisandhisfriends——ApepperlessParadise——Womenandtowns。

WewereonourwaytoPrague，andwerewaitinginthegreathalloftheDresdenStationuntilsuchtimeasthepowers—that—beshouldpermitusontotheplatform。George，whohadwanderedtothebookstall，returnedtouswithawildlookinhiseyes。Hesaid：

"I’veseenit。"

Isaid，"Seenwhat？"

Hewastooexcitedtoanswerintelligently。Hesaid"It’shere。It’scomingthisway，bothofthem。Ifyouwait，you’llseeitforyourselves。I’mnotjoking；it’stherealthing。"

Asisusualaboutthisperiod，someparagraphs，moreorlessserious，hadbeenappearinginthepapersconcerningthesea—

serpent，andIthoughtforthemomenthemustbereferringtothis。

Amoment’sreflection，however，toldmethathere，inthemiddleofEurope，threehundredmilesfromthecoast，suchathingwasimpossible。BeforeIcouldquestionhimfurther，heseizedmebythearm。

"Look！"hesaid；"nowamIexaggerating？"

Iturnedmyheadandsawwhat，Isuppose，fewlivingEnglishmenhaveeverseenbefore——thetravellingBritisheraccordingtotheContinentalidea，accompaniedbyhisdaughter。Theywerecomingtowardsusinthefleshandblood，unlessweweredreaming，aliveandconcrete——theEnglish"Milor"andtheEnglish"Mees，"asforgenerationstheyhavebeenportrayedintheContinentalcomicpressandupontheContinentalstage。Theywereperfectineverydetail。

Themanwastallandthin，withsandyhair，ahugenose，andlongDundrearywhiskers。Overapepper—and—saltsuitheworealightovercoat，reachingalmosttohisheels。Hiswhitehelmetwasornamentedwithagreenveil；apairofopera—glasseshungathisside，andinhislavender—glovedhandhecarriedanalpenstockalittletallerthanhimself。Hisdaughterwaslongandangular。

HerdressIcannotdescribe：mygrandfather，poorgentleman，mighthavebeenabletodoso；itwouldhavebeenmorefamiliartohim。

Icanonlysaythatitappearedtomeunnecessarilyshort，exhibitingapairofankles——ifImaybepermittedtorefertosuchpoints——that，fromanartisticpointofview，calledratherforconcealment。HerhatmademethinkofMrs。Hemans；butwhyI

cannotexplain。Sheworeside—springboots——"prunella，"Ibelieve，usedtobethetradename——mittens，andpince—nez。Shealsocarriedanalpenstock（thereisnotamountainwithinahundredmilesofDresden）andablackbagstrappedtoherwaist。Herteethstuckoutlikearabbit’s，andherfigurewasthatofabolsteronstilts。

Harrisrushedforhiscamera，andofcoursecouldnotfindit；henevercanwhenhewantsit。WheneverweseeHarrisscuttlingupanddownlikealostdog，shouting，"Where’smycamera？WhatthedickenshaveIdonewithmycamera？Don’teitherofyourememberwhereIputmycamera？"——thenweknowthatforthefirsttimethatdayhehascomeacrosssomethingworthphotographing。Lateron，heremembereditwasinhisbag；thatiswhereitwouldbeonanoccasionlikethis。

Theywerenotcontentwithappearance；theyactedthethingtotheletter。Theywalkedgapingroundthemateverystep。ThegentlemanhadanopenBaedekerinhishand，andtheladycarriedaphrasebook。TheytalkedFrenchthatnobodycouldunderstand，andGermanthattheycouldnottranslatethemselves！Themanpokedatofficialswithhisalpenstocktoattracttheirattention，andthelady，hereyecatchingsightofanadvertisementofsomebody’scocoa，said"Shocking！"andturnedtheotherway。

Really，therewassomeexcuseforher。Onenotices，eveninEngland，thehomeoftheproprieties，thattheladywhodrinkscocoaappears，accordingtotheposter，torequireverylittleelseinthisworld；ayardorsoofartmuslinatthemost。OntheContinentshedispenses，sofarasonecanjudge，witheveryothernecessityoflife。Notonlyiscocoafoodanddrinktoher，itshouldbeclothesalso，accordingtotheideaofthecocoamanufacturer。Butthisbytheway。

Ofcourse，theyimmediatelybecamethecentreofattraction。Bybeingabletorenderthemsomeslightassistance，Igainedtheadvantageoffiveminutes’conversationwiththem。Theywereveryaffable。ThegentlemantoldmehisnamewasJones，andthathecamefromManchester，buthedidnotseemtoknowwhatpartofManchester，orwhereManchesterwas。Iaskedhimwherehewasgoingto，butheevidentlydidnotknow。Hesaiditdepended。I

askedhimifhedidnotfindanalpenstockaclumsythingtowalkaboutwiththroughacrowdedtown；headmittedthatoccasionallyitdidgetintheway。Iaskedhimifhedidnotfindaveilinterferewithhisviewofthings；heexplainedthatyouonlyworeitwhenthefliesbecametroublesome。Ienquiredoftheladyifshedidnotfindthewindblowcold；shesaidshehadnoticedit，especiallyatthecorners。IdidnotaskthesequestionsoneafteranotherasIhavehereputthemdown；Imixedthemupwithgeneralconversation，andwepartedongoodterms。

Ihaveponderedmuchupontheapparition，andhavecometoadefiniteopinion。AmanImetlateratFrankfort，andtowhomI

describedthepair，saidhehadseenthemhimselfinParis，threeweeksaftertheterminationoftheFashodaincident；whileatravellerforsomeEnglishsteelworkswhomwemetinStrassburgrememberedhavingseentheminBerlinduringtheexcitementcausedbytheTransvaalquestion。Myconclusionisthattheywereactorsoutofwork，hiredtodothisthingintheinterestofinternationalpeace。TheFrenchForeignOffice，wishfultoallaytheangeroftheParisianmobclamouringforwarwithEngland，securedthisadmirablecoupleandsentthemroundthetown。Youcannotbeamusedatathing，andatthesametimewanttokillit。

TheFrenchnationsawtheEnglishcitizenandcitizeness——nocaricature，butthelivingreality——andtheirindignationexplodedinlaughter。ThesuccessofthestratagempromptedthemlaterontooffertheirservicestotheGermanGovernment，withthebeneficialresultsthatweallknow。

OurownGovernmentmightlearnthelesson。ItmightbeaswelltokeepnearDowningStreetafewsmall，fatFrenchmen，tobesentroundthecountrywhenoccasioncalledforit，shruggingtheirshouldersandeatingfrogsandwiches；orafileofuntidy，lank—

hairedGermansmightberetained，towalkabout，smokinglongpipes，saying"So。"Thepublicwouldlaughandexclaim，"Warwithsuch？Itwouldbetooabsurd。"FailingtheGovernment，I

recommendtheschemetothePeaceSociety。

OurvisittoPraguewewerecompelledtolengthensomewhat。PragueisoneofthemostinterestingtownsinEurope。Itsstonesaresaturatedwithhistoryandromance；itseverysuburbmusthavebeenabattlefield。ItisthetownthatconceivedtheReformationandhatchedtheThirtyYears’War。ButhalfPrague’stroubles，oneimagines，mighthavebeensavedtoit，haditpossessedwindowslesslargeandtemptinglyconvenient。ThefirstofthesemightycatastrophesitsetrollingbythrowingthesevenCatholiccouncillorsfromthewindowsofitsRathhausontothepikesoftheHussitesbelow。Later，itgavethesignalforthesecondbyagainthrowingtheImperialcouncillorsfromthewindowsoftheoldBurgintheHradschin——Prague’ssecond"Fenstersturz。"Since，otherfatefulquestionshavebeendecideinPrague，oneassumesfromtheirhavingbeenconcludedwithoutviolencethatsuchmusthavebeendiscussedincellars。Thewindow，asanargument，onefeels，wouldalwayshaveprovedtoostrongatemptationtoanytrue—bornPraguer。

IntheTeynkirchestandstheworm—eatenpulpitfromwhichpreachedJohnHuss。Onemayhearfromtheselfsamedeskto—daythevoiceofaPapistpriest，whileinfar—offConstancearudeblockofstone，halfivyhidden，marksthespotwhereHussandJeromediedburningatthestake。Historyisfondofherlittleironies。InthissameTeynkircheliesburiedTychoBrahe，theastronomer，whomadethecommonmistakeofthinkingtheearth，withitselevenhundredcreedsandonehumanity，thecentreoftheuniverse；butwhootherwiseobservedthestarsclearly。

ThroughPrague’sdirty，palace—borderedalleysmusthavepressedofteninhothasteblindZiskaandopen—mindedWallenstein——theyhavedubbedhim"TheHero"inPrague；andthetownishonestlyproudofhavingownedhimforcitizen。InhisgloomypalaceintheWaldstein—Platztheyshowasasacredspotthecabinetwhereheprayed，andseemtohavepersuadedthemselveshereallyhadasoul。

Itssteep，windingwaysmusthavebeenchokedadozentimes，nowbySigismund’sflyinglegions，followedbyfierce—killingTarborites，andnowbypaleProtestantspursuedbythevictoriousCatholicsofMaximilian。NowSaxons，nowBavarians，andnowFrench；nowthesaintsofGustavusAdolphus，andnowthesteelfightingmachinesofFredericktheGreat，havethunderedatitsgatesandfoughtuponitsbridges。

TheJewshavealwaysbeenanimportantfeatureofPrague。

OccasionallytheyhaveassistedtheChristiansintheirfavouriteoccupationofslaughteringoneanother，andthegreatflagsuspendedfromthevaultingoftheAltneuschuletestifiestothecouragewithwhichtheyhelpedCatholicFerdinandtoresisttheProtestantSwedes。ThePragueGhettowasoneofthefirsttobeestablishedinEurope，andinthetinysynagogue，stillstanding，theJewofPraguehasworshippedforeighthundredyears，hiswomenfolkdevoutlylistening，without，attheearholesprovidedfortheminthemassivewalls。AJewishcemeteryadjacent，"Bethchajim，ortheHouseofLife，"seemsasthoughitwereburstingwithitsdead。WithinitsnarrowacreitwasthelawofcenturiesthathereornowheremustthebonesofIsraelrest。Sothewornandbrokentombstonesliepiledincloseconfusion，asthoughtossedandtumbledbythestrugglinghostbeneath。

TheGhettowallshavelongbeenlevelled，butthelivingJewsofPraguestillclingtotheirfoetidlanes，thoughthesearebeingrapidlyreplacedbyfinenewstreetsthatpromisetoeventuallytransformthisquarterintothehandsomestpartofthetown。

AtDresdentheyadvisedusnottotalkGermaninPrague。ForyearsracialanimositybetweentheGermanminorityandtheCzechmajorityhasragedthroughoutBohemia，andtobemistakenforaGermanincertainstreetsofPragueisinconvenienttoamanwhosestayingpowersinaracearenotwhatoncetheywere。However，wedidtalkGermanincertainstreetsinPrague；itwasacaseoftalkingGermanornothing。TheCzechdialectissaidtobeofgreatantiquityandofhighlyscientificcultivation。Itsalphabetcontainsforty—twoletters，suggestivetoastrangerofChinese。

Itisnotalanguagetobepickedupinahurry。WedecidedthatonthewholetherewouldbelessrisktoourconstitutioninkeepingtoGerman，andasamatteroffactnoharmcametous。TheexplanationIcanonlysurmise。ThePraguerisanexceedinglyacuteperson；somesubtlefalsityofaccent，someslightgrammaticalinaccuracy，mayhavecreptintoourGerman，revealingtohimthefactthat，inspiteofallappearancestothecontrary，wewerenotrue—bornDeutscher。Idonotassertthis；Iputitforwardasapossibility。

Toavoidunnecessarydanger，however，wedidoursight—seeingwiththeaidofaguide。NoguideIhaveevercomeacrossisperfect。

Thisonehadtwodistinctfailings。HisEnglishwasdecidedlyweak。Indeed，itwasnotEnglishatall。Idonotknowwhatyouwouldcallit。Itwasnotaltogetherhisfault；hehadlearntEnglishfromaScotchlady。IunderstandScotchfairlywell——tokeepabreastofmodernEnglishliteraturethisisnecessary，——buttounderstandbroadScotchtalkedwithaSclavonicaccent，occasionallyrelievedbyGermanmodifications，taxestheintelligence。Forthefirsthouritwasdifficulttoridone’sselfoftheconvictionthatthemanwaschoking。Everymomentweexpectedhimtodieonourhands。Inthecourseofthemorningwegrewaccustomedtohim，andridourselvesoftheinstincttothrowhimonhisbackeverytimeheopenedhismouth，andtearhisclothesfromhim。Later，wecametounderstandapartofwhathesaid，andthisledtothediscoveryofhissecondfailing。

Itwouldseemhehadlatelyinventedahair—restorer，whichhehadpersuadedalocalchemisttotakeupandadvertise。Halfhistimehehadbeenpointingouttous，notthebeautiesofPrague，butthebenefitslikelytoaccruetothehumanracefromtheuseofthisconcoction；andtheconventionalagreementwithwhich，undertheimpressionhewaswaxingeloquentconcerningviewsandarchitecture，wehadmethisenthusiasmhehadattributedtosympatheticinterestinthiswretchedwashofhis。

Theresultwasthatnowtherewasnokeepinghimawayfromthesubject。Ruinedpalacesandcrumblingchurcheshedismissedwithcurtreferenceasmerefrivolities，encouragingamorbidtasteforthedecadent。Hisduty，ashesawit，wasnottoleadustodwellupontheravagesoftime，butrathertodirectourattentiontothemeansofrepairingthem。Whathadwetodowithbroken—headedheroes，orbald—headedsaints？Ourinterestshouldbesurelyinthelivingworld；inthemaidenswiththeirflowingtresses，ortheflowingtressestheymighthave，byjudicioususeof"Kophkeo，"intheyoungmenwiththeirfiercemoustaches——aspicturedonthelabel。

Unconsciously，inhisownmind，hehaddividedtheworldintotwosections。ThePast（"BeforeUse"），asickly，disagreeable—looking，uninterestingworld。TheFuture（"AfterUse"）afat，jolly，God—

bless—everybodysortofworld；andthisunfittedhimasaguidetoscenesofmediaevalhistory。

Hesentuseachabottleofthestufftoourhotel。Itappearedthatintheearlypartofourconversewithhimwehad，unwittingly，clamouredforit。Personally，Icanneitherpraiseitnorcondemnit。Alongseriesofdisappointmentshasdisheartenedme；addedtowhichapermanentatmosphereofparaffin，howeverfaint，isapttocauseremark，especiallyinthecaseofamarriedman。Now，Inevertryeventhesample。

IgavemybottletoGeorge。HeaskedforittosendtoamanheknewinLeeds。IlearntlaterthatHarrishadgivenhimhisbottlealso，tosendtothesameman。

AsuggestionofonionshasclungtothistoursinceweleftPrague。

Georgehasnoticedithimself。HeattributesittotheprevalenceofgarlicinEuropeancooking。

ItwasinPraguethatHarrisandIdidakindandfriendlythingtoGeorge。WehadnoticedforsometimepastthatGeorgewasgettingtoofondofPilsenerbeer。ThisGermanbeerisaninsidiousdrink，especiallyinhotweather；butitdoesnotdotoimbibetoofreelyofit。Itdoesnotgetintoyourhead，butafteratimeitspoilsyourwaist。IalwayssaytomyselfonenteringGermany：

"Now，IwilldrinknoGermanbeer。Thewhitewineofthecountry，withalittlesoda—water；perhapsoccasionallyaglassofEmsorpotash。Butbeer，never——or，atallevents，hardlyever。"

Itisagoodandusefulresolution，whichIrecommendtoalltravellers。IonlywishIcouldkeeptoitmyself。George，althoughIurgedhim，refusedtobindhimselfbyanysuchhardandfastlimit。HesaidthatinmoderationGermanbeerwasgood。

"Oneglassinthemorning，"saidGeorge，"oneintheevening，oreventwo。Thatwilldonoharmtoanyone。"

Maybehewasright。Itwashishalf—dozenglassesthattroubledHarrisandmyself。

"Weoughttodosomethingtostopit，"saidHarris；"itisbecomingserious。"

"It’shereditary，sohehasexplainedtome，"Ianswered。"Itseemshisfamilyhavealwaysbeenthirsty。"

"ThereisApollinariswater，"repliedHarris，"which，Ibelieve，withalittlelemonsqueezedintoit，ispracticallyharmless。

WhatIamthinkingaboutishisfigure。Hewillloseallhisnaturalelegance。"

Wetalkedthematterover，and，Providenceaidingus，wefixeduponaplan。Fortheornamentationofthetownanewstatuehadjustbeencast。Iforgetofwhomitwasastatue。Ionlyrememberthatintheessentialsitwastheusualsortofstreetstatue，representingtheusualsortofgentleman，withtheusualstiffneck，ridingtheusualsortofhorse——thehorsethatalwayswalksonitshindlegs，keepingitsfrontpawsforbeatingtime。Butindetailitpossessedindividuality。Insteadoftheusualswordorbaton，themanwasholding，stretchedoutinhishand，hisownplumedhat；andthehorse，insteadoftheusualwaterfallforatail，possessedasomewhatattenuatedappendagethatsomehowappearedoutofkeepingwithhisostentatiousbehaviour。Onefeltthatahorsewithataillikethatwouldnothaveprancedsomuch。

ItstoodinasmallsquarenotfarfromthefurtherendoftheKarlsbrucke，butitstoodthereonlytemporarily。Beforedecidingfinallywheretofixit，thetownauthoritieshadresolved，verysensibly，tojudgebypracticaltestwhereitwouldlookbest。

Accordingly，theyhadmadethreeroughcopiesofthestatue——merewoodenprofiles，thingsthatwouldnotbearlookingatclosely，butwhich，viewedfromalittledistance，producedalltheeffectthatwasnecessary。OneofthesetheyhadsetupattheapproachtotheFranz—Josefsbrucke，asecondstoodintheopenspacebehindthetheatre，andthethirdinthecentreoftheWenzelsplatz。

"IfGeorgeisnotinthesecretofthisthing，"saidHarris——wewerewalkingbyourselvesforanhour，hehavingremainedbehindinthehoteltowritealettertohisaunt，——"ifhehasnotobservedthesestatues，thenbytheiraidwewillmakeabetterandathinnermanofhim，andthatthisveryevening。"

Soduringdinnerwesoundedhim，judiciously；andfindinghimignorantofthematter，wetookhimout，andledhimbyside—

streetstotheplacewherestoodtherealstatue。Georgewasforlookingatitandpassingon，asishiswaywithstatues，butweinsistedonhispullingupandviewingthethingconscientiously。

Wewalkedhimroundthatstatuefourtimes，andshowedittohimfromeverypossiblepointofview。Ithink，onthewhole，weratherboredhimwiththething，butourobjectwastoimpressituponhim。Wetoldhimthehistoryofthemanwhorodeuponthehorse，thenameoftheartistwhohadmadethestatue，howmuchitweighed，howmuchitmeasured。Weworkedthatstatueintohissystem。Bythetimewehaddonewithhimheknewmoreaboutthatstatue，forthetimebeing，thanheknewaboutanythingelse。Wesoakedhiminthatstatue，andonlylethimgoatlastontheconditionthathewouldcomeagainwithusinthemorning，whenwecouldallseeitbetter，andforsuchpurposewesawtoitthathemadeanoteinhispocket—bookoftheplacewherethestatuestood。

Thenweaccompaniedhimtohisfavouritebeerhall，andsatbesidehim，tellinghimanecdotesofmenwho，unaccustomedtoGermanbeer，anddrinkingtoomuchofit，hadgonemadanddevelopedhomicidalmania；ofmenwhohaddiedyoungthroughdrinkingGermanbeer；ofloversthatGermanbeerhadbeenthemeansofpartingforeverfrombeautifulgirls。

Atteno’clockwestartedtowalkbacktothehotel。Itwasastormy—lookingnight，withheavycloudsdriftingoveralightmoon。

Harrissaid：

"Wewon’tgobackthesamewaywecame；we’llwalkbackbytheriver。Itislovelyinthemoonlight。"

Harristoldasadhistory，aswewalked，aboutamanheonceknew，whoisnowinahomeforharmlessimbeciles。Hesaidherecalledthestorybecauseitwasonjustsuchanothernightasthisthathewaswalkingwiththatmantheverylasttimeheeversawthepoorfellow。TheywerestrollingdowntheThamesEmbankment，Harrissaid，andthemanfrightenedhimthenbypersistingthathesawthestatueoftheDukeofWellingtonatthecornerofWestminsterBridge，when，aseverybodyknows，itstandsinPiccadilly。

Itwasatthisexactinstantthatwecameinsightofthefirstofthesewoodencopies。Itoccupiedthecentreofasmall，railed—insquarealittleaboveusontheoppositesideoftheway。Georgesuddenlystoodstillandleantagainstthewallofthequay。

"What’sthematter？"Isaid；"feelinggiddy？"

Hesaid："Ido，alittle。Let’sresthereamoment。"

Hestoodtherewithhiseyesgluedtothething。

Hesaid，speakinghuskily：

"Talkingofstatues，whatalwaysstrikesmeishowverymuchonestatueislikeanotherstatue。"

Harrissaid："Icannotagreewithyouthere——pictures，ifyoulike。Somepicturesareverylikeotherpictures，butwithastatuethereisalwayssomethingdistinctive。Takethatstatuewesawearlyintheevening，"continuedHarris，"beforewewentintotheconcerthall。Itrepresentedamansittingonahorse。InPragueyouwillseeotherstatuesofmenonhorses，butnothingatalllikethatone。"

"Yestheyare，"saidGeorge；"theyareallalike。It’salwaysthesamehorse，andit’salwaysthesameman。Theyareallexactlyalike。It’sidioticnonsensetosaytheyarenot。"

HeappearedtobeangrywithHarris。

"Whatmakesyouthinkso？"Iasked。

"Whatmakesmethinkso？"retortedGeorge，nowturninguponme。

"Why，lookatthatdamnedthingoverthere！"

Isaid："Whatdamnedthing？"

"Why，thatthing，"saidGeorge；"lookatit！Thereisthesamehorsewithhalfatail，standingonitshindlegs；thesamemanwithouthishat；thesame——"

Harrissaid："YouaretalkingnowaboutthestatuewesawintheRingplatz。"

"No，I’mnot，"repliedGeorge；"I’mtalkingaboutthestatueoverthere。"

"Whatstatue？"saidHarris。

GeorgelookedatHarris；butHarrisisamanwhomight，withcare，havebeenafairamateuractor。Hisfacemerelyexpressedfriendlysorrow，mingledwithalarm。Next，Georgeturnedhisgazeonme。I

endeavoured，sofaraslaywithme，tocopyHarris’sexpression，addingtoitonmyownaccountatouchofreproof。

"Willyouhaveacab？"IsaidaskindlyasIcouldtoGeorge。

"I’llrunandgetone。"

"WhatthedevildoIwantwithacab？"heanswered，ungraciously。

"Can’tyoufellowsunderstandajoke？It’slikebeingoutwithacoupleofconfoundedoldwomen，"sayingwhich，hestartedoffacrossthebridge，leavingustofollow。

"Iamsogladthatwasonlyajokeofyours，"saidHarris，onourovertakinghim。"Iknewacaseofsofteningofthebrainthatbegan——"

"Oh，you’reasillyass！"saidGeorge，cuttinghimshort；"youknoweverything。"

Hewasreallymostunpleasantinhismanner。

Wetookhimroundbytheriversideofthetheatre。Wetoldhimitwastheshortestway，and，asamatteroffact，itwas。Intheopenspacebehindthetheatrestoodthesecondofthesewoodenapparitions。Georgelookedatit，andagainstoodstill。

"What’sthematter？"saidHarris，kindly。"Youarenotill，areyou？"

"Idon’tbelievethisistheshortestway，"saidGeorge。

"Iassureyouitis，"persistedHarris。

"Well，I’mgoingtheother，"saidGeorge；andheturnedandwent，we，asbefore，followinghim。

AlongtheFerdinandStrasseHarrisandItalkedaboutprivatelunaticasylums，which，Harrissaid，werenotwellmanagedinEngland。Hesaidafriendofhis，apatientinalunaticasylum—

Georgesaid，interrupting："Youappeartohavealargenumberoffriendsinlunaticasylums。"

Hesaiditinamostinsultingtone，asthoughtoimplythatthatiswhereonewouldlookforthemajorityofHarris’sfriends。ButHarrisdidnotgetangry；hemerelyreplied，quitemildly：

"Well，itreallyisextraordinary，whenonecomestothinkofit，howmanyofthemhavegonethatwaysoonerorlater。Igetquitenervoussometimes，now。"

AtthecorneroftheWenzelsplatz，Harris，whowasafewstepsaheadofus，paused。

"It’safinestreet，isn’tit？"hesaid，stickinghishandsinhispockets，andgazingupatitadmiringly。

GeorgeandIfollowedsuit。Twohundredyardsawayfromus，initsverycentre，wasthethirdoftheseghostlystatues。Ithinkitwasthebestofthethree——themostlike，themostdeceptive。Itstoodboldlyoutlinedagainstthewildsky：thehorseonitshindlegs，withitscuriouslyattenuatedtail；themanbareheaded，pointingwithhisplumedhattothenowentirelyvisiblemoon。

"Ithink，ifyoudon’tmind，"saidGeorge——hespokewithalmostapatheticringinhisvoice，hisaggressivenesshadcompletelyfallenfromhim，——"thatIwillhavethatcab，ifthere’sonehandy。"

"Ithoughtyouwerelookingqueer，"saidHarris，kindly。"It’syourhead，isn’tit？"

"Perhapsitis，"answeredGeorge。

"Ihavenoticeditcoiningon，"saidHarris；"butIdidn’tliketosayanythingtoyou。Youfancyyouseethings，don’tyou？"

"No，no；itisn’tthat，"repliedGeorge，ratherquickly。"Idon’tknowwhatitis。"

"Ido，"saidHarris，solemnly，"andI’lltellyou。It’sthisGermanbeerthatyouaredrinking。Ihaveknownacasewhereaman——"

"Don’ttellmeabouthimjustnow，"saidGeorge。"Idaresayit’strue，butsomehowIdon’tfeelIwanttohearabouthim。"

"Youarenotusedtoit，"saidHarris。

"Ishallgiveitupfromto—night，"saidGeorge。"Ithinkyoumustberight；itdoesn’tseemtoagreewithme。"

Wetookhimhome，andsawhimtobed。Hewasverygentleandquitegrateful。

Oneeveninglateron，afteralongday’sride，followedbyamostsatisfactorydinner，westartedhimonabigcigar，and，removingthingsfromhisreach，toldhimofthisstratagemthatforhisgoodwehadplanned。

"Howmanycopiesofthatstatuedidyousaywesaw？"askedGeorge，afterwehadfinished。

"Three，"repliedHarris。

"Onlythree？"saidGeorge。"Areyousure？"

"Positive，"repliedHarris。"Why？"

"Oh，nothing！"answeredGeorge。

ButIdon’tthinkhequitebelievedHarris。

FromPraguewetravelledtoNuremberg，throughCarlsbad。GoodGermans，whentheydie，go，theysay，toCarlsbad，asgoodAmericanstoParis。ThisIdoubt，seeingthatitisasmallplacewithnoconvenienceforacrowd。InCarlsbad，youriseatfive，thefashionablehourforpromenade，whenthebandplaysundertheColonnade，andtheSprudelisfilledwithapackedthrongoveramilelong，beingfromsixtoeightinthemorning。HereyoumayhearmorelanguagesspokenthantheTowerofBabelcouldhaveechoed。PolishJewsandRussianprinces，ChinesemandarinsandTurkishpashas，NorwegianslookingasiftheyhadsteppedoutofIbsen’splays，womenfromtheBoulevards，SpanishgrandeesandEnglishcountesses，mountaineersfromMontenegroandmillionairesfromChicago，youwillfindeverydozenyards。EveryluxuryintheworldCarlsbadprovidesforitsvisitors，withtheoneexceptionofpepper。Thatyoucannotgetwithinfivemilesofthetownformoney；whatyoucangetthereforloveisnotworthtakingaway。

Pepper，totheliverbrigadethatformsfour—fifthsofCarlsbad’scustomers，ispoison；and，preventionbeingbetterthancure，itiscarefullykeptoutoftheneighbourhood。"Pepperparties"areformedinCarlsbadtojourneytosomeplacewithouttheboundary，andthereindulgeinpepperorgies。

Nuremberg，ifoneexpectsatownofmediaevalappearance，disappoints。Quaintcorners，picturesqueglimpses，thereareinplenty；buteverywheretheyaresurroundedandintrudeduponbythemodern，andevenwhatisancientisnotnearlysoancientasonethoughtitwas。Afterall，atown，likeawoman，isonlyasoldasitlooks；andNurembergisstillacomfortable—lookingdame，itsagesomewhatdifficulttoconceiveunderitsfreshpaintandstuccointheblazeofthegasandtheelectriclight。Still，lookingclosely，youmayseeitswrinkledwallsandgreytowers。

CHAPTERIX

Harrisbreaksthelaw——Thehelpfulman：Thedangersthatbesethim——Georgesetsforthuponacareerofcrime——ThosetowhomGermanywouldcomeasaboonandablessing——TheEnglishSinner：

Hisdisappointments——TheGermanSinner：Hisexceptionaladvantages——Whatyoumaynotdowithyourbed——Aninexpensivevice—

—TheGermandog：Hissimplegoodness——Themisbehaviourofthebeetle——Apeoplethatgothewaytheyoughttogo——TheGermansmallboy：Hisloveoflegality——Howtogoastraywithaperambulator——

TheGermanstudent：Hischastenedwilfulness。

Allthreeofus，bysomemeansoranother，managed，betweenNurembergandtheBlackForest，togetintotrouble。

HarrisledoffatStuttgartbyinsultinganofficial。Stuttgartisacharmingtown，cleanandbright，asmallerDresden。Ithastheadditionalattractionofcontaininglittlethatoneneedtogooutofone’swaytosee：amedium—sizedpicturegallery，asmallmuseumofantiquities，andhalfapalace，andyouarethroughwiththeentirethingandcanenjoyyourself。Harrisdidnotknowitwasanofficialhewasinsulting。Hetookitforafireman（itlookedlikedafireman），andhecalledita"dummerEsel。"

InGermanyouarenotpermittedtocallanofficiala"sillyass，"

butundoubtedlythisparticularmanwasone。Whathadhappenedwasthis：HarrisintheStadgarten，anxioustogetout，andseeingagateopenbeforehim，hadsteppedoverawireintothestreet。

Harrismaintainsheneversawit，butundoubtedlytherewashangingtothewireanotice，"DurchgangVerboten！"Theman，whowasstandingnearthegatesstoppedHarris，andpointedouttohimthisnotice。Harristhankedhim，andpassedon。Themancameafterhim，andexplainedthattreatmentofthematterinsuchoff—handwaycouldnotbeallowed；whatwasnecessarytoputthebusinessrightwasthatHarrisshouldstepbackoverthewireintothegarden。Harrispointedouttothemanthatthenoticesaid"goingthroughforbidden，"andthat，therefore，byre—enteringthegardenthatwayhewouldbeinfringingthelawasecondtime。Themansawthisforhimself，andsuggestedthattogetoverthedifficultyHarrisshouldgobackintothegardenbytheproperentrance，whichwasroundthecorner，andafterwardsimmediatelycomeoutagainbythesamegate。ThenitwasthatHarriscalledthemanasillyass。

Thatdelayedusaday，andcostHarrisfortymarks。

IfollowedsuitatCarlsruhe，bystealingabicycle。Ididnotmeantostealthebicycle；Iwasmerelytryingtobeuseful。ThetrainwasonthepointofstartingwhenInoticed，asIthought，Harris’sbicyclestillinthegoodsvan。Noonewasabouttohelpme。Ijumpedintothevanandhauleditout，onlyjustintime。

Wheelingitdowntheplatformintriumph，IcameacrossHarris’sbicycle，standingagainstawallbehindsomemilk—cans。ThebicycleIhadsecuredwasnotHarris’s，butsomeotherman’s。

Itwasanawkwardsituation。InEngland，Ishouldhavegonetothestationmasterandexplainedmymistake。ButinGermanytheyarenotcontentwithyourexplainingalittlematterofthissorttooneman：theytakeyouroundandgetyoutoexplainittoabouthalfadozen；andifanyoneofthehalfdozenhappensnottobehandy，ornottohavetimejustthentolistentoyou，theyhaveahabitofleavingyouoverforthenighttofinishyourexplanationthenextmorning。IthoughtIwouldjustputthethingoutofsight，andthen，withoutmakinganyfussorshow，takeashortwalk。Ifoundawoodshed，whichseemedjusttheveryplace，andwaswheelingthebicycleintoitwhen，unfortunately，ared—hattedrailwayofficial，withtheairsofaretiredfield—marshal，caughtsightofmeandcameup。Hesaid：

"Whatareyoudoingwiththatbicycle？"

Isaid："Iamgoingtoputitinthiswoodshedoutoftheway。"

ItriedtoconveybymytonethatIwasperformingakindandthoughtfulaction，forwhichtherailwayofficialsoughttothankme；buthewasunresponsive。

"Isityourbicycle？"hesaid。

"Well，notexactly，"Ireplied。

"Whoseisit？"heasked，quitesharply。

"Ican’ttellyou，"Ianswered。"Idon’tknowwhosebicycleitis。"

"Wheredidyougetitfrom？"washisnextquestion。Therewasasuspiciousnessabouthistonethatwasalmostinsulting。

"Igotit，"Ianswered，withasmuchcalmdignityasatthemomentIcouldassume，"outofthetrain。"

"Thefactis，"Icontinued，frankly，"Ihavemadeamistake。"

Hedidnotallowmetimetofinish。Hemerelysaidhethoughtsotoo，andblewawhistle。

Recollectionofthesubsequentproceedingsisnot，sofarasIamconcerned，amusing。Byamiracleofgoodluck——theysayProvidencewatchesovercertainofus——theincidenthappenedinCarlsruhe，whereIpossessaGermanfriend，anofficialofsomeimportance。

UponwhatwouldhavebeenmyfatehadthestationnotbeenatCarlsruhe，orhadmyfriendbeenfromhome，Idonotcaretodwell；

asitwasIgotoff，asthesayingis，bytheskinofmyteeth。I

shouldliketoaddthatIleftCarlsruhewithoutastainuponmycharacter，butthatwouldnotbethetruth。Mygoingscotfreeisregardedinpolicecirclestheretothisdayasagravemiscarriageofjustice。

ButalllessersinsinksintoinsignificancebesidethelawlessnessofGeorge。Thebicycleincidenthadthrownusallintoconfusion，withtheresultthatwelostGeorgealtogether。Ittranspiredsubsequentlythathewaswaitingforusoutsidethepolicecourt；

butthisatthetimewedidnotknow。Wethought，maybe，hehadgoneontoBadenbyhimself；andanxioustogetawayfromCarlsruhe，andnot，perhaps，thinkingoutthingstooclearly，wejumpedintothenexttrainthatcameupandproceededthither。

WhenGeorge，tiredofwaiting，returnedtothestation，hefoundusgoneandhefoundhisluggagegone。Harrishadhisticket；Iwasactingasbankertotheparty，sothathehadinhispocketonlysomesmallchange。Excusinghimselfuponthesegrounds，hethereuponcommenceddeliberatelyacareerofcrimethat，readingitlater，assetforthbaldlyintheofficialsummons，madethehairofHarrisandmyselfalmosttostandonend。

Germantravelling，itmaybeexplained，issomewhatcomplicated。

Youbuyaticketatthestationyoustartfromfortheplaceyouwanttogoto。Youmightthinkthiswouldenableyoutogetthere，butitdoesnot。Whenyourtraincomesup，youattempttoswarmintoit；buttheguardmagnificentlywavesyouaway。Whereareyourcredentials？Youshowhimyourticket。Heexplainstoyouthatbyitselfthatisofnoservicewhatever；youhaveonlytakenthefirststeptowardstravelling；youmustgobacktothebooking—

officeandgetinadditionwhatiscalleda"schnellzugticket。"

Withthisyoureturn，thinkingyourtroublesover。Youareallowedtogetin，sofarsogood。Butyoumustnotsitdownanywhere，andyoumustnotstandstill，andyoumustnotwanderabout。Youmusttakeanotherticket，thistimewhatiscalleda"platzticket，"

whichentitlesyoutoaplaceforacertaindistance。

Whatamancoulddowhopersistedintakingnothingbuttheoneticket，Ihaveoftenwondered。Wouldhebeentitledtorunbehindthetrainonthesix—footway？Orcouldhestickalabelonhimselfandgetintothegoodsvan？Again，whatcouldbedonewiththemanwho，havingtakenhisschnellzugticket，obstinatelyrefused，orhadnotthemoneytotakeaplatzticket：wouldtheylethimlieintheumbrellarack，orallowhimtohanghimselfoutofthewindow？

ToreturntoGeorge，hehadjustsufficientmoneytotakeathird—

classslowtraintickettoBaden，andthatwasall。Toavoidtheinquisitivenessoftheguard，hewaitedtillthetrainwasmoving，andthenjumpedin。

Thatwashisfirstsin：

（a）Enteringatraininmotion；

（b）Afterbeingwarnednottodosobyanofficial。

Secondsin：

（a）Travellingintrainofsuperiorclasstothatforwhichticketwasheld。

（b）Refusingtopaydifferencewhendemandedbyanofficial。

（Georgesayshedidnot"refuse"；hesimplytoldthemanhehadnotgotit。）

Thirdsin：

（a）Travellingincarriageofsuperiorclasstothatforwhichticketwasheld。

（b）Refusingtopaydifferencewhendemandedbyanofficial。

（AgainGeorgedisputestheaccuracyofthereport。Heturnedhispocketsout，andofferedthemanallhehad，whichwasabouteightpenceinGermanmoney。Heofferedtogointoathirdclass，buttherewasnothirdclass。Heofferedtogointothegoodsvan，buttheywouldnothearofit。）

Fourthsin：

（a）Occupyingseat，andnotpayingforsame。

（b）Loiteringaboutcorridor。（Astheywouldnotlethimsitdownwithoutpaying，andashecouldnotpay，itwasdifficulttoseewhatelsehecoulddo。）

ButexplanationsareheldasnoexcuseinGermany；andhisjourneyfromCarlsruhetoBadenwasoneofthemostexpensiveperhapsonrecord。

ReflectinguponthecaseandfrequencywithwhichonegetsintotroublehereinGermany，oneisledtotheconclusionthatthiscountrywouldcomeasaboonandablessingtotheaverageyoungEnglishman。Tothemedicalstudent，totheeaterofdinnersattheTemple，tothesubalternonleave，lifeinLondonisawearisomeproceeding。ThehealthyBritontakeshispleasurelawlessly，oritisnopleasuretohim。Nothingthathemaydoaffordstohimanygenuinesatisfaction。Tobeintroubleofsomesortishisonlyideaofbliss。Now，Englandaffordshimsmallopportunityinthisrespect；togethimselfintoascraperequiresagooddealofpersistenceonthepartoftheyoungEnglishman。

Ispokeonthissubjectonedaywithourseniorchurchwarden。Itwasthemorningofthe10thofNovember，andwewerebothofusglancing，somewhatanxiously，throughthepolicereports。TheusualbatchofyoungmenhadbeensummonedforcreatingtheusualdisturbancethenightbeforeattheCriterion。Myfriendthechurchwardenhasboysofhisown，andanephewofmine，uponwhomI

amkeepingafatherlyeye，isbyafondmothersupposedtobeinLondonforthesolepurposeofstudyingengineering。Nonamesweknewhappened，byfortunatechance，tobeinthelistofthosedetainedincustody，and，relieved，wefelltomoralisinguponthefollyanddepravityofyouth。

"Itisveryremarkable，"saidmyfriendthechurchwarden，"howtheCriterionretainsitspositioninthisrespect。ItwasjustsowhenIwasyoung；theeveningalwayswoundupwitharowattheCriterion。"

"Someaningless，"Iremarked。

"Somonotonous，"hereplied。"Youhavenoidea，"hecontinued，adreamyexpressionstealingoverhisfurrowedface，"howunutterablytiredonecanbecomeofthewalkfromPiccadillyCircustotheVineStreetPoliceCourt。Yet，whatelsewasthereforustodo？

Simplynothing。Sometimeswewouldputoutastreetlamp，andamanwouldcomeroundandlightitagain。Ifoneinsultedapoliceman，hesimplytooknonotice。Hedidnotevenknowhewasbeinginsulted；or，ifhedid，heseemednottocare。YoucouldfightaCoventGardenporter，ifyoufanciedyourselfatthatsortofthing。Generallyspeaking，theportergotthebestofit；andwhenhediditcostyoufiveshillings，andwhenhedidnotthepricewashalfasovereign。Icouldneverseemuchexcitementinthatparticularsport。Itrieddrivingahansomcabonce。ThathasalwaysbeenregardedastheacmeofmodernTomandJerryism。I

stoleitlateonenightfromoutsideapublic—houseinDeanStreet，andthefirstthingthathappenedtomewasthatIwashailedinGoldenSquarebyanoldladysurroundedbythreechildren，twoofthemcryingandthethirdonehalfasleep。BeforeIcouldgetawayshehadshotthebratsintothecab，takenmynumber，paidme，soshesaid，ashillingoverthelegalfare，anddirectedmetoanaddressalittlebeyondwhatshecalledNorthKensington。Asamatteroffact，theplaceturnedouttobetheothersideofWillesden。Thehorsewastired，andthejourneytookuswellovertwohours。ItwastheslowestlarkIeverrememberbeingconcernedin。Itriedoneortwicetopersuadethechildrentoletmetakethembacktotheoldlady：buteverytimeIopenedthetrap—doortospeaktothemtheyoungestone，aboy，startedscreaming；andwhenIofferedotherdriverstotransferthejobtothem，mostofthemrepliedinthewordsofasongpopularaboutthatperiod：

’Oh，George，don’tyouthinkyou’regoingjustabittoofar？’OnemanofferedtotakehometomywifeanylastmessageImightbethinkingof，whileanotherpromisedtoorganiseapartytocomeanddigmeoutinthespring。WhenImountedthedickeyIhadimaginedmyselfdrivingapepperyoldcoloneltosomelonesomeandcablessregion，halfadozenmilesfromwherehewantedtogo，andthereleavinghimuponthekerbstonetoswear。Aboutthattheremighthavebeengoodsportortheremightnot，accordingtocircumstancesandthecolonel。Theideaofatriptoanoutlyingsuburbinchargeofanurseryfullofhelplessinfantshadneveroccurredtome。No，London，"concludedmyfriendthechurchwardenwithasigh，"affordsbutlimitedopportunitytotheloveroftheillegal。"

Now，inGermany，ontheotherhand，troubleistobehadfortheasking。TherearemanythingsinGermanythatyoumustnotdothatarequiteeasytodo。ToanyyoungEnglishmanyearningtogethimselfintoascrape，andfindinghimselfhamperedinhisowncountry，IwouldadviseasingletickettoGermany；areturn，lastingasitdoesonlyamonth，mightproveawaste。

InthePoliceGuideoftheFatherlandhewillfindsetforthalistofthethingsthedoingofwhichwillbringtohiminterestandexcitement。InGermanyyoumustnothangyourbedoutofwindow。