第3章
levelplatform，andsawtheengine-driver，andaskedhimifhewasgoingtoKingston。Hesaidhecouldn"tsayforcertainofcourse，butthatheratherthoughthewas。Anyhow，ifhewasn"tthe11。5forKingston，hesaidhewasprettyconfidenthewasthe9。32forVirginiaWater，orthe10a。m。expressfortheIsleofWight，orsomewhereinthatdirection，andweshouldallknowwhenwegotthere。Weslippedhalf-a-crownintohishand，andbeggedhimtobethe11。5forKingston。
"Nobodywilleverknow，onthisline，"wesaid，"whatyouare，orwhereyou"regoing。Youknowtheway，youslipoffquietlyandgotoKingston。"
"Well，Idon"tknow，gents，"repliedthenoblefellow，"butIsupposeSOMEtrain"sgottogotoKingston；andI"lldoit。Gimmethehalf-
crown。"
ThuswegottoKingstonbytheLondonandSouth-WesternRailway。
Welearnt，afterwards，thatthetrainwehadcomebywasreallytheExetermail，andthattheyhadspenthoursatWaterloo，lookingforit，andnobodyknewwhathadbecomeofit。
OurboatwaswaitingforusatKingstonjustbelowbridge，andtoitwewendedourway，androunditwestoredourluggage，andintoitwestepped。
"Areyouallright，sir？"saidtheman。
"Rightitis，"weanswered；andwithHarrisatthescullsandIatthetiller-lines，andMontmorency，unhappyanddeeplysuspicious，intheprow，outweshotontothewaterswhich，forafortnight，weretobeourhome。
CHAPTERVI。
KINGSTON-INSTRUCTIVEREMARKSONEARLYENGLISHHISTORY-INSTRUCTIVE
OBSERVATIONSONCARVEDOAKANDLIFEINGENERAL-SADCASEOFSTIVVINGS，JUNIOR-MUSINGSONANTIQUITY-IFORGETTHATIAMSTEERING-
INTERESTINGRESULT-HAMPTONCOURTMAZE-HARRISASAGUIDE。
ITwasagloriousmorning，latespringorearlysummer，asyoucaretotakeit，whenthedaintysheenofgrassandleafisblushingtoadeepergreen；andtheyearseemslikeafairyoungmaid，tremblingwithstrange，wakeningpulsesonthebrinkofwomanhood。
ThequaintbackstreetsofKingston，wheretheycamedowntothewater"sedge，lookedquitepicturesqueintheflashingsunlight，theglintingriverwithitsdriftingbarges，thewoodedtowpath，thetrim-keptvillasontheotherside，Harris，inaredandorangeblazer，gruntingawayatthesculls，thedistantglimpsesofthegreyoldpalaceoftheTudors，allmadeasunnypicture，sobrightbutcalm，sofulloflife，andyetsopeaceful，that，earlyinthedaythoughitwas，Ifeltmyselfbeingdreamilylulledoffintoamusingfit。
ImusedonKingston，or"Kyningestun，"asitwasoncecalledinthedayswhenSaxon"kinges"werecrownedthere。GreatCaesarcrossedtheriverthere，andtheRomanlegionscampeduponitsslopinguplands。Caesar，like，inlateryears，Elizabeth，seemstohavestoppedeverywhere：onlyhewasmorerespectablethangoodQueenBess；hedidn"tputupatthepublic-houses。
Shewasnutsonpublic-houses，wasEngland"sVirginQueen。There"sscarcelyapub。ofanyattractionswithintenmilesofLondonthatshedoesnotseemtohavelookedinat，orstoppedat，orsleptat，sometimeorother。Iwondernow，supposingHarris，say，turnedoveranewleaf，andbecameagreatandgoodman，andgottobePrimeMinister，anddied，iftheywouldputupsignsoverthepublic-housesthathehadpatronised：
"Harrishadaglassofbitterinthishouse；""HarrishadtwoofScotchcoldhereinthesummerof`88；""HarriswaschuckedfromhereinDecember，1886。"
No，therewouldbetoomanyofthem！Itwouldbethehousesthathehadneverenteredthatwouldbecomefamous。"OnlyhouseinSouthLondonthatHarrisneverhadadrinkin！"Thepeoplewouldflocktoittoseewhatcouldhavebeenthematterwithit。
Howpoorweak-mindedKingEdwymusthavehatedKyningestun！Thecoronationfeasthadbeentoomuchforhim。Maybeboar"sheadstuffedwithsugar-plumsdidnotagreewithhim（itwouldn"twithme，Iknow），andhehadhadenoughofsackandmead；soheslippedfromthenoisyreveltostealaquietmoonlighthourwithhisbelovedElgiva。
Perhaps，fromthecasement，standinghand-in-hand，theywerewatchingthecalmmoonlightontheriver，whilefromthedistanthallstheboisterousrevelryfloatedinbrokenburstsoffaint-hearddinandtumult。
ThenbrutalOdoandSt。Dunstanforcetheirrudewayintothequietroom，andhurlcoarseinsultsatthesweet-facedQueen，anddragpoorEdwybacktotheloudclamourofthedrunkenbrawl。
Yearslater，tothecrashofbattle-music，SaxonkingsandSaxonrevelrywereburiedsidebyside，andKingston"sgreatnesspassedawayforatime，toriseoncemorewhenHamptonCourtbecamethepalaceoftheTudorsandtheStuarts，andtheroyalbargesstrainedattheirmooringsontheriver"sbank，andbright-cloakedgallantsswaggereddownthewater-stepstocry："WhatFerry，ho！Gadzooks，gramercy。"
Manyoftheoldhouses，roundabout，speakveryplainlyofthosedayswhenKingstonwasaroyalborough，andnoblesandcourtierslivedthere，neartheirKing，andthelongroadtothepalacegateswasgayalldaywithclankingsteelandprancingpalfreys，andrustlingsilksandvelvets，andfairfaces。Thelargeandspacioushouses，withtheiroriel，latticedwindows，theirhugefireplaces，andtheirgabledroofs，breatheofthedaysofhoseanddoublet，ofpearl-embroideredstomachers，andcomplicatedoaths。Theywereupraisedinthedays"whenmenknewhowtobuild。"Thehardredbrickshaveonlygrownmorefirmlysetwithtime，andtheiroakstairsdonotcreakandgruntwhenyoutrytogodownthemquietly。
SpeakingofoakstaircasesremindsmethatthereisamagnificentcarvedoakstaircaseinoneofthehousesinKingston。Itisashopnow，inthemarket-place，butitwasevidentlyoncethemansionofsomegreatpersonage。Afriendofmine，wholivesatKingston，wentintheretobuyahatoneday，and，inathoughtlessmoment，puthishandinhispocketandpaidforitthenandthere。
Theshopman（heknowsmyfriend）wasnaturallyalittlestaggeredatfirst；but，quicklyrecoveringhimself，andfeelingthatsomethingoughttobedonetoencouragethissortofthing，askedourheroifhewouldliketoseesomefineoldcarvedoak。Myfriendsaidhewould，andtheshopman，thereupon，tookhimthroughtheshop，andupthestaircaseofthehouse。Thebalusterswereasuperbpieceofworkmanship，andthewallallthewayupwasoak-panelled，withcarvingthatwouldhavedonecredittoapalace。
Fromthestairs，theywentintothedrawing-room，whichwasalarge，brightroom，decoratedwithasomewhatstartlingthoughcheerfulpaperofablueground。Therewasnothing，however，remarkableabouttheapartment，andmyfriendwonderedwhyhehadbeenbroughtthere。Theproprietorwentuptothepaper，andtappedit。Itgaveforthawoodensound。
"Oak，"heexplained。"Allcarvedoak，rightuptotheceiling，justthesameasyousawonthestaircase。"
"But，greatCaesar！man，"expostulatedmyfriend；"youdon"tmeantosayyouhavecoveredovercarvedoakwithbluewall-paper？"
"Yes，"wasthereply："itwasexpensivework。Hadtomatch-boarditalloverfirst，ofcourse。Buttheroomlookscheerfulnow。Itwasawfulgloomybefore。"
Ican"tsayIaltogetherblametheman（whichisdoubtlessagreatrelieftohismind）。Fromhispointofview，whichwouldbethatoftheaveragehouseholder，desiringtotakelifeaslightlyaspossible，andnotthatoftheold-curiosity-shopmaniac，thereisreasononhisside。Carvedoakisverypleasanttolookat，andtohavealittleof，butitisnodoubtsomewhatdepressingtolivein，forthosewhosefancydoesnotliethatway。Itwouldbelikelivinginachurch。
No，whatwassadinhiscasewasthathe，whodidn"tcareforcarvedoak，shouldhavehisdrawing-roompanelledwithit，whilepeoplewhodocareforithavetopayenormouspricestogetit。Itseemstobetheruleofthisworld。Eachpersonhaswhathedoesn"twant，andotherpeoplehavewhathedoeswant。
Marriedmenhavewives，anddon"tseemtowantthem；andyoungsinglefellowscryoutthattheycan"tgetthem。Poorpeoplewhocanhardlykeepthemselveshaveeightheartychildren。Richoldcouples，withnoonetoleavetheirmoneyto，diechildless。
Thentherearegirlswithlovers。Thegirlsthathaveloversneverwantthem。Theysaytheywouldratherbewithoutthem，thattheybotherthem，andwhydon"ttheygoandmakelovetoMissSmithandMissBrown，whoareplainandelderly，andhaven"tgotanylovers？Theythemselvesdon"twantlovers。Theynevermeantomarry。
Itdoesnotdotodwellonthesethings；itmakesonesosad。
Therewasaboyatourschool，weusedtocallhimSandfordandMerton。
HisrealnamewasStivvings。HewasthemostextraordinaryladIevercameacross。Ibelievehereallylikedstudy。HeusedtogetintoawfulrowsforsittingupinbedandreadingGreek；andasforFrenchirregularverbstherewassimplynokeepinghimawayfromthem。Hewasfullofweirdandunnaturalnotionsaboutbeingacredittohisparentsandanhonourtotheschool；andheyearnedtowinprizes，andgrowupandbeacleverman，andhadallthosesortsofweak-mindedideas。Ineverknewsuchastrangecreature，yetharmless，mindyou，asthebabeunborn。
Well，thatboyusedtogetillabouttwiceaweek，sothathecouldn"tgotoschool。ThereneverwassuchaboytogetillasthatSandfordandMerton。Iftherewasanyknowndiseasegoingwithintenmilesofhim，hehadit，andhaditbadly。Hewouldtakebronchitisinthedog-days，andhavehay-feveratChristmas。Afterasixweeks"periodofdrought，hewouldbestrickendownwithrheumaticfever；andhewouldgooutinaNovemberfogandcomehomewithasunstroke。
Theyputhimunderlaughing-gasoneyear，poorlad，anddrewallhisteeth，andgavehimafalseset，becausehesufferedsoterriblywithtoothache；andthenitturnedtoneuralgiaandear-ache。Hewasneverwithoutacold，exceptoncefornineweekswhilehehadscarletfever；
andhealwayshadchilblains。Duringthegreatcholerascareof1871，ourneighbourhoodwassingularlyfreefromit。Therewasonlyonereputedcaseinthewholeparish：thatcasewasyoungStivvings。
Hehadtostopinbedwhenhewasill，andeatchickenandcustardsandhot-housegrapes；andhewouldliethereandsob，becausetheywouldn"tlethimdoLatinexercises，andtookhisGermangrammarawayfromhim。
Andweotherboys，whowouldhavesacrificedtentermsofourschool-lifeforthesakeofbeingillforaday，andhadnodesirewhatevertogiveourparentsanyexcuseforbeingstuck-upaboutus，couldn"tcatchsomuchasastiffneck。Wefooledaboutindraughts，anditdidusgood，andfreshenedusup；andwetookthingstomakeussick，andtheymadeusfat，andgaveusanappetite。Nothingwecouldthinkofseemedtomakeusilluntiltheholidaysbegan。Then，onthebreaking-upday，wecaughtcolds，andwhoopingcough，andallkindsofdisorders，whichlastedtillthetermrecommenced；when，inspiteofeverythingwecouldmanoeuvretothecontrary，wewouldgetsuddenlywellagain，andbebetterthanever。
Suchislife；andwearebutasgrassthatiscutdown，andputintotheovenandbaked。
Togobacktothecarved-oakquestion，theymusthavehadveryfairnotionsoftheartisticandthebeautiful，ourgreat-great-grandfathers。
Why，allourarttreasuresofto-dayareonlythedug-upcommonplacesofthreeorfourhundredyearsago。Iwonderifthereisrealintrinsicbeautyintheoldsoup-plates，beer-mugs，andcandle-snuffersthatweprizesonow，orifitisonlythehaloofageglowingaroundthemthatgivesthemtheircharmsinoureyes。The"oldblue"thatwehangaboutourwallsasornamentswerethecommonevery-dayhouseholdutensilsofafewcenturiesago；andthepinkshepherdsandtheyellowshepherdessesthatwehandroundnowforallourfriendstogushover，andpretendtheyunderstand，weretheunvaluedmantel-ornamentsthatthemotheroftheeighteenthcenturywouldhavegiventhebabytosuckwhenhecried。
Willitbethesameinthefuture？Willtheprizedtreasuresofto-dayalwaysbethecheaptriflesofthedaybefore？Willrowsofourwillow-
patterndinner-platesberangedabovethechimneypiecesofthegreatintheyears2000andodd？Willthewhitecupswiththegoldrimandthebeautifulgoldflowerinside（speciesunknown），thatourSarahJanesnowbreakinsheerlight-heartednessofspirit，becarefullymended，andstooduponabracket，anddustedonlybytheladyofthehouse？
Thatchinadogthatornamentsthebedroomofmyfurnishedlodgings。Itisawhitedog。Itseyesblue。Itsnoseisadelicatered，withspots。
Itsheadispainfullyerect，itsexpressionisamiabilitycarriedtovergeofimbecility。Idonotadmireitmyself。Consideredasaworkofart，Imaysayitirritatesme。Thoughtlessfriendsjeeratit，andevenmylandladyherselfhasnoadmirationforit，andexcusesitspresencebythecircumstancethatherauntgaveittoher。
Butin200years"timeitismorethanprobablethatthatdogwillbedugupfromsomewhereorother，minusitslegs，andwithitstailbroken，andwillbesoldforoldchina，andputinaglasscabinet。Andpeoplewillpassitround，andadmireit。Theywillbestruckbythewonderfuldepthofthecolouronthenose，andspeculateastohowbeautifulthebitofthetailthatislostnodoubtwas。
We，inthisage，donotseethebeautyofthatdog。Wearetoofamiliarwithit。Itislikethesunsetandthestars：wearenotawedbytheirlovelinessbecausetheyarecommontooureyes。Soitiswiththatchinadog。In2288peoplewillgushoverit。Themakingofsuchdogswillhavebecomealostart。Ourdescendantswillwonderhowwedidit，andsayhowcleverwewere。Weshallbereferredtolovinglyas"thosegrandoldartiststhatflourishedinthenineteenthcentury，andproducedthosechinadogs。"
The"sampler"thattheeldestdaughterdidatschoolwillbespokenofas"tapestryoftheVictorianera，"andbealmostpriceless。Theblue-and-
whitemugsofthepresent-dayroadsideinnwillbehuntedup，allcrackedandchipped，andsoldfortheirweightingold，andrichpeoplewillusethemforclaretcups；andtravellersfromJapanwillbuyupallthe"PresentsfromRamsgate，"and"SouvenirsofMargate，"thatmayhaveescapeddestruction，andtakethembacktoJedoasancientEnglishcurios。
AtthispointHarristhrewawaythesculls，gotupandlefthisseat，andsatonhisback，andstuckhislegsintheair。Montmorencyhowled，andturnedasomersault，andthetophamperjumpedup，andallthethingscameout。
Iwassomewhatsurprised，butIdidnotlosemytemper。Isaid，pleasantlyenough：
"Hulloa！what"sthatfor？"
"What"sthatfor？Why-"
No，onsecondthoughts，IwillnotrepeatwhatHarrissaid。Imayhavebeentoblame，Iadmitit；butnothingexcusesviolenceoflanguageandcoarsenessofexpression，especiallyinamanwhohasbeencarefullybroughtup，asIknowHarrishasbeen。Iwasthinkingofotherthings，andforgot，asanyonemighteasilyunderstand，thatIwassteering，andtheconsequencewasthatwehadgotmixedupagooddealwiththetow-
path。Itwasdifficulttosay，forthemoment，whichwasusandwhichwastheMiddlesexbankoftheriver；butwefoundoutafterawhile，andseparatedourselves。
Harris，however，saidhehaddoneenoughforabit，andproposedthatI
shouldtakeaturn；so，aswewerein，Igotoutandtookthetow-line，andrantheboatonpastHamptonCourt。Whatadearoldwallthatisthatrunsalongbytheriverthere！Ineverpassitwithoutfeelingbetterforthesightofit。Suchamellow，bright，sweetoldwall；whatacharmingpictureitwouldmake，withthelichencreepinghere，andthemossgrowingthere，ashyyoungvinepeepingoverthetopatthisspot，toseewhatisgoingonuponthebusyriver，andthesoberoldivyclusteringalittlefartherdown！Therearefiftyshadesandtintsandhuesineverytenyardsofthatoldwall。IfIcouldonlydraw，andknewhowtopaint，Icouldmakealovelysketchofthatoldwall，I"msure。
I"veoftenthoughtIshouldliketoliveatHamptonCourt。Itlookssopeacefulandsoquiet，anditissuchadearoldplacetorambleroundintheearlymorningbeforemanypeopleareabout。
But，there，Idon"tsupposeIshouldreallycareforitwhenitcametoactualpractice。Itwouldbesoghastlydullanddepressingintheevening，whenyourlampcastuncannyshadowsonthepanelledwalls，andtheechoofdistantfeetrangthroughthecoldstonecorridors，andnowdrewnearer，andnowdiedaway，andallwasdeath-likesilence，savethebeatingofone"sownheart。
Wearecreaturesofthesun，wemenandwomen。Welovelightandlife。
Thatiswhywecrowdintothetownsandcities，andthecountrygrowsmoreandmoredesertedeveryyear。Inthesunlight-inthedaytime，whenNatureisaliveandbusyallaroundus，weliketheopenhill-sidesandthedeepwoodswellenough：butinthenight，whenourMotherEarthhasgonetosleep，andleftuswaking，oh！theworldseemssolonesome，andwegetfrightened，likechildreninasilenthouse。Thenwesitandsob，andlongforthegas-litstreets，andthesoundofhumanvoices，andtheansweringthrobofhumanlife。Wefeelsohelplessandsolittleinthegreatstillness，whenthedarktreesrustleinthenight-wind。Therearesomanyghostsabout，andtheirsilentsighsmakeusfeelsosad。
Letusgathertogetherinthegreatcities，andlighthugebonfiresofamilliongas-jets，andshoutandsingtogether，andfeelbrave。
HarrisaskedmeifI"deverbeeninthemazeatHamptonCourt。Hesaidhewentinoncetoshowsomebodyelsetheway。Hehadstudieditupinamap，anditwassosimplethatitseemedfoolish-hardlyworththetwopencechargedforadmission。Harrissaidhethoughtthatmapmusthavebeengotupasapracticaljoke，becauseitwasn"tabitliketherealthing，andonlymisleading。ItwasacountrycousinthatHarristookin。Hesaid：
"We"lljustgoinhere，sothatyoucansayyou"vebeen，butit"sverysimple。It"sabsurdtocallitamaze。Youkeepontakingthefirstturningtotheright。We"lljustwalkroundfortenminutes，andthengoandgetsomelunch。"
Theymetsomepeoplesoonaftertheyhadgotinside，whosaidtheyhadbeenthereforthree-quartersofanhour，andhadhadaboutenoughofit。
Harristoldthemtheycouldfollowhim，iftheyliked；hewasjustgoingin，andthenshouldturnroundandcomeoutagain。Theysaiditwasverykindofhim，andfellbehind，andfollowed。
Theypickedupvariousotherpeoplewhowantedtogetitover，astheywentalong，untiltheyhadabsorbedallthepersonsinthemaze。Peoplewhohadgivenupallhopesofevergettingeitherinorout，orofeverseeingtheirhomeandfriendsagain，pluckedupcourageatthesightofHarrisandhisparty，andjoinedtheprocession，blessinghim。Harrissaidheshouldjudgetheremusthavebeentwentypeople，followinghim，inall；andonewomanwithababy，whohadbeenthereallthemorning，insistedontakinghisarm，forfearoflosinghim。
Harriskeptonturningtotheright，butitseemedalongway，andhiscousinsaidhesupposeditwasaverybigmaze。
"Oh，oneofthelargestinEurope，"saidHarris。
"Yes，itmustbe，"repliedthecousin，"becausewe"vewalkedagoodtwomilesalready。"
Harrisbegantothinkitratherstrangehimself，butheheldonuntil，atlast，theypassedthehalfofapennybunonthegroundthatHarris"scousinsworehehadnoticedtheresevenminutesago。Harrissaid："Oh，impossible！"butthewomanwiththebabysaid，"Notatall，"assheherselfhadtakenitfromthechild，andthrownitdownthere，justbeforeshemetHarris。ShealsoaddedthatshewishedsheneverhadmetHarris，andexpressedanopinionthathewasanimpostor。ThatmadeHarrismad，andheproducedhismap，andexplainedhistheory。
"Themapmaybeallrightenough，"saidoneoftheparty，"ifyouknowwhereaboutsinitwearenow。"
Harrisdidn"tknow，andsuggestedthatthebestthingtodowouldbetogobacktotheentrance，andbeginagain。Forthebeginningagainpartofittherewasnotmuchenthusiasm；butwithregardtotheadvisabilityofgoingbacktotheentrancetherewascompleteunanimity，andsotheyturned，andtrailedafterHarrisagain，intheoppositedirection。Abouttenminutesmorepassed，andthentheyfoundthemselvesinthecentre。
Harristhoughtatfirstofpretendingthatthatwaswhathehadbeenaimingat；butthecrowdlookeddangerous，andhedecidedtotreatitasanaccident。
Anyhow，theyhadgotsomethingtostartfromthen。Theydidknowwheretheywere，andthemapwasoncemoreconsulted，andthethingseemedsimplerthanever，andofftheystartedforthethirdtime。
Andthreeminuteslatertheywerebackinthecentreagain。
Afterthat，theysimplycouldn"tgetanywhereelse。Whateverwaytheyturnedbroughtthembacktothemiddle。Itbecamesoregularatlength，thatsomeofthepeoplestoppedthere，andwaitedfortheotherstotakeawalkround，andcomebacktothem。Harrisdrewouthismapagain，afterawhile，butthesightofitonlyinfuriatedthemob，andtheytoldhimtogoandcurlhishairwithit。Harrissaidthathecouldn"thelpfeelingthat，toacertainextent，hehadbecomeunpopular。
Theyallgotcrazyatlast，andsangoutforthekeeper，andthemancameandclimbeduptheladderoutside，andshoutedoutdirectionstothem。
Butalltheirheadswere，bythistime，insuchaconfusedwhirlthattheywereincapableofgraspinganything，andsothemantoldthemtostopwheretheywere，andhewouldcometothem。Theyhuddledtogether，andwaited；andheclimbeddown，andcamein。
Hewasayoungkeeper，asluckwouldhaveit，andnewtothebusiness；
andwhenhegotin，hecouldn"tfindthem，andhewanderedabout，tryingtogettothem，andthenHEgotlost。Theycaughtsightofhim，everynowandthen，rushingabouttheothersideofthehedge，andhewouldseethem，andrushtogettothem，andtheywouldwaitthereforaboutfiveminutes，andthenhewouldreappearagaininexactlythesamespot，andaskthemwheretheyhadbeen。
Theyhadtowaittilloneoftheoldkeeperscamebackfromhisdinnerbeforetheygotout。
Harrissaidhethoughtitwasaveryfinemaze，sofarashewasajudge；
andweagreedthatwewouldtrytogetGeorgetogointoit，onourwayback。
CHAPTERVII。
THERIVERINITSSUNDAYGARB-DRESSONTHERIVER-ACHANCEFORTHE
MEN-ABSENCEOFTASTEINHARRIS-GEORGE"SBLAZER-ADAYWITHTHE
FASHION-PLATEYOUNGLADY-MRS。THOMAS"STOMB-THEMANWHOLOVESNOT
GRAVESANDCOFFINSANDSKULLS-HARRISMAD-HISVIEWSONGEORGEAND
BANKSANDLEMONADE-HEPERFORMSTRICKS。
ITwaswhilepassingthroughMoulseyLockthatHarristoldmeabouthismazeexperience。Ittookussometimetopassthrough，asweweretheonlyboat，anditisabiglock。Idon"tthinkIeverremembertohaveseenMoulseyLock，before，withonlyoneboatinit。Itis，Isuppose，Boulter"snotevenexcepted，thebusiestlockontheriver。
Ihavestoodandwatchedit，sometimes，whenyoucouldnotseeanywateratall，butonlyabrillianttangleofbrightblazers，andgaycaps，andsaucyhats，andmany-colouredparasols，andsilkenrugs，andcloaks，andstreamingribbons，anddaintywhites；whenlookingdownintothelockfromthequay，youmightfancyitwasahugeboxintowhichflowersofeveryhueandshadehadbeenthrownpell-mell，andlaypiledupinarainbowheap，thatcoveredeverycorner。
OnafineSundayitpresentsthisappearancenearlyalldaylong，while，upthestream，anddownthestream，lie，waitingtheirturn，outsidethegates，longlinesofstillmoreboats；andboatsaredrawingnearandpassingaway，sothatthesunnyriver，fromthePalaceuptoHamptonChurch，isdottedanddeckedwithyellow，andblue，andorange，andwhite，andred，andpink。AlltheinhabitantsofHamptonandMoulseydressthemselvesupinboatingcostume，andcomeandmouchroundthelockwiththeirdogs，andflirt，andsmoke，andwatchtheboats；and，altogether，whatwiththecapsandjacketsofthemen，theprettycoloureddressesofthewomen，theexciteddogs，themovingboats，thewhitesails，thepleasantlandscape，andthesparklingwater，itisoneofthegayestsightsIknowofnearthisdulloldLondontown。
Theriveraffordsagoodopportunityfordress。Foronceinaway，wemenareabletoshowourtasteincolours，andIthinkwecomeoutverynatty，ifyouaskme。Ialwayslikealittleredinmythings-redandblack。Youknowmyhairisasortofgoldenbrown，ratheraprettyshadeI"vebeentold，andadarkredmatchesitbeautifully；andthenIalwaysthinkalight-bluenecktiegoessowellwithit，andapairofthoseRussian-leathershoesandaredsilkhandkerchiefroundthewaist-ahandkerchieflookssomuchbetterthanabelt。
Harrisalwayskeepstoshadesormixturesoforangeoryellow，butI
don"tthinkheisatallwiseinthis。Hiscomplexionistoodarkforyellows。Yellowsdon"tsuithim：therecanbenoquestionaboutit。I
wanthimtotaketoblueasabackground，withwhiteorcreamforrelief；
but，there！thelesstasteapersonhasindress，themoreobstinatehealwaysseemstobe。Itisagreatpity，becausehewillneverbeasuccessasitis，whilethereareoneortwocoloursinwhichhemightnotreallylooksobad，withhishaton。
Georgehasboughtsomenewthingsforthistrip，andI"mrathervexedaboutthem。Theblazerisloud。IshouldnotlikeGeorgetoknowthatI
thoughtso，buttherereallyisnootherwordforit。HebroughtithomeandshowedittousonThursdayevening。Weaskedhimwhatcolourhecalledit，andhesaidhedidn"tknow。Hedidn"tthinktherewasanameforthecolour。ThemanhadtoldhimitwasanOrientaldesign。Georgeputiton，andaskeduswhatwethoughtofit。Harrissaidthat，asanobjecttohangoveraflower-bedinearlyspringtofrightenthebirdsaway，heshouldrespectit；butthat，consideredasanarticleofdressforanyhumanbeing，exceptaMargatenigger，itmadehimill。Georgegotquitehuffy；but，asHarrissaid，ifhedidn"twanthisopinion，whydidheaskforit？
WhattroublesHarrisandmyself，withregardtoit，isthatweareafraiditwillattractattentiontotheboat。
Girls，also，don"tlookhalfbadinaboat，ifprettilydressed。Nothingismorefetching，tomythinking，thanatastefulboatingcostume。Buta"boatingcostume，"itwouldbeaswellifallladieswouldunderstand，oughttobeacostumethatcanbeworninaboat，andnotmerelyunderaglass-case。Itutterlyspoilsanexcursionifyouhavefolkintheboatwhoarethinkingallthetimeagooddealmoreoftheirdressthanofthetrip。Itwasmymisfortuneoncetogoforawaterpicnicwithtwoladiesofthiskind。Wedidhavealivelytime！
Theywerebothbeautifullygotup-alllaceandsilkystuff，andflowers，andribbons，anddaintyshoes，andlightgloves。Buttheyweredressedforaphotographicstudio，notforariverpicnic。Theywerethe"boatingcostumes"ofaFrenchfashion-plate。Itwasridiculous，foolingaboutinthemanywherenearrealearth，air，andwater。
Thefirstthingwasthattheythoughttheboatwasnotclean。Wedustedalltheseatsforthem，andthenassuredthemthatitwas，buttheydidn"tbelieveus。Oneofthemrubbedthecushionwiththeforefingerofherglove，andshowedtheresulttotheother，andtheybothsighed，andsatdown，withtheairofearlyChristianmartyrstryingtomakethemselvescomfortableupagainstthestake。Youareliabletooccasionallysplashalittlewhensculling，anditappearedthatadropofwaterruinedthosecostumes。Themarknevercameout，andastainwasleftonthedressforever。
Iwasstroke。Ididmybest。Ifeatheredsometwofeethigh，andI
pausedattheendofeachstroketoletthebladesdripbeforereturningthem，andIpickedoutasmoothbitofwatertodropthemintoagaineachtime。（Bowsaid，afterawhile，thathedidnotfeelhimselfasufficientlyaccomplishedoarsmantopullwithme，butthathewouldsitstill，ifIwouldallowhim，andstudymystroke。Hesaiditinterestedhim。）But，notwithstandingallthis，andtryasIwould，Icouldnothelpanoccasionalflickerofwaterfromgoingoverthosedresses。
Thegirlsdidnotcomplain，buttheyhuddledupclosetogether，andsettheirlipsfirm，andeverytimeadroptouchedthem，theyvisiblyshrankandshuddered。Itwasanoblesighttoseethemsufferingthusinsilence，butitunnervedmealtogether。Iamtoosensitive。Igotwildandfitfulinmyrowing，andsplashedmoreandmore，theharderItriednotto。
Igaveitupatlast；IsaidI"drowbow。Bowthoughtthearrangementwouldbebettertoo，andwechangedplaces。Theladiesgaveaninvoluntarysighofreliefwhentheysawmego，andquitebrightenedupforamoment。Poorgirls！theyhadbetterhaveputupwithme。Themantheyhadgotnowwasajolly，light-hearted，thick-headedsortofachap，withaboutasmuchsensitivenessinhimastheremightbeinaNewfoundlandpuppy。Youmightlookdaggersathimforanhourandhewouldnotnoticeit，anditwouldnottroublehimifhedid。Hesetagood，rollicking，dashingstrokethatsentthesprayplayingallovertheboatlikeafountain，andmadethewholecrowdsitupstraightinnotime。Whenhespreadmorethanpintofwateroveroneofthosedresses，hewouldgiveapleasantlittlelaugh，andsay：
"Ibegyourpardon，I"msure；"andofferthemhishandkerchieftowipeitoffwith。
"Oh，it"sofnoconsequence，"thepoorgirlswouldmurmurinreply，andcovertlydrawrugsandcoatsoverthemselves，andtryandprotectthemselveswiththeirlaceparasols。
Atlunchtheyhadaverybadtimeofit。Peoplewantedthemtositonthegrass，andthegrasswasdusty；andthetree-trunks，againstwhichtheywereinvitedtolean，didnotappeartohavebeenbrushedforweeks；
sotheyspreadtheirhandkerchiefsonthegroundandsatonthose，boltupright。Somebody，inwalkingaboutwithaplateofbeef-steakpie，trippedupoveraroot，andsentthepieflying。Noneofitwentoverthem，fortunately，buttheaccidentsuggestedafreshdangertothem，andagitatedthem；and，wheneveranybodymovedabout，afterthat，withanythinginhishandthatcouldfallandmakeamess，theywatchedthatpersonwithgrowinganxietyuntilhesatdownagain。
"Nowthen，yougirls，"saidourfriendBowtothem，cheerily，afteritwasallover，"comealong，you"vegottowashup！"
Theydidn"tunderstandhimatfirst。Whentheygraspedtheidea，theysaidtheyfearedtheydidnotknowhowtowashup。
"Oh，I"llsoonshowyou，"hecried；"it"srarefun！Youliedownonyour-Imeanyouleanoverthebank，youknow，andsloushthethingsaboutinthewater。"
Theeldersistersaidthatshewasafraidthattheyhadn"tgotondressessuitedtothework。
"Oh，they"llbeallright，"saidhelight-heartedly；"tuck`emup。"
Andhemadethemdoit，too。Hetoldthemthatthatsortofthingwashalfthefunofapicnic。Theysaiditwasveryinteresting。
NowIcometothinkitover，wasthatyoungmanasdense-headedaswethought？orwashe-no，impossible！therewassuchasimple，child-likeexpressionabouthim！
HarriswantedtogetoutatHamptonChurch，togoandseeMrs。Thomas"stomb。
"WhoisMrs。Thomas？"Iasked。
"HowshouldIknow？"repliedHarris。"She"saladythat"sgotafunnytomb，andIwanttoseeit。"
Iobjected。Idon"tknowwhetheritisthatIambuiltwrong，butI
neverdidseemtohankeraftertombstonesmyself。Iknowthattheproperthingtodo，whenyougettoavillageortown，istorushofftothechurchyard，andenjoythegraves；butitisarecreationthatIalwaysdenymyself。Itakenointerestincreepingrounddimandchillychurchesbehindwheezyoldmen，andreadingepitaphs。NoteventhesightofabitofcrackedbrassletintoastoneaffordsmewhatIcallrealhappiness。
IshockrespectablesextonsbytheimperturbabilityIamabletoassumebeforeexcitinginscriptions，andbymylackofenthusiasmforthelocalfamilyhistory，whilemyill-concealedanxietytogetoutsidewoundstheirfeelings。
Onegoldenmorningofasunnyday，Ileantagainstthelowstonewallthatguardedalittlevillagechurch，andIsmoked，anddrankindeep，calmgladnessfromthesweet，restfulscene-thegreyoldchurchwithitsclusteringivyanditsquaintcarvedwoodenporch，thewhitelanewindingdownthehillbetweentallrowsofelms，thethatched-roofcottagespeepingabovetheirtrim-kepthedges，thesilverriverinthehollow，thewoodedhillsbeyond！
Itwasalovelylandscape。Itwasidyllic，poetical，anditinspiredme。
Ifeltgoodandnoble。IfeltIdidn"twanttobesinfulandwickedanymore。Iwouldcomeandlivehere，andneverdoanymorewrong，andleadablameless，beautifullife，andhavesilverhairwhenIgotold，andallthatsortofthing。
InthatmomentIforgaveallmyfriendsandrelationsfortheirwickednessandcussedness，andIblessedthem。TheydidnotknowthatI
blessedthem。TheywenttheirabandonedwayallunconsciousofwhatI，farawayinthatpeacefulvillage，wasdoingforthem；butIdidit，andIwishedthatIcouldletthemknowthatIhaddoneit，becauseIwantedtomakethemhappy。Iwasgoingonthinkingawayallthesegrand，tenderthoughts，whenmyreveriewasbrokeninuponbyashrillpipingvoicecryingout：
"Allright，sur，I"ma-coming，I"ma-coming。It"sallright，sur；don"tyoubeinahurry。"
Ilookedup，andsawanoldbald-headedmanhobblingacrossthechurchyardtowardsme，carryingahugebunchofkeysinhishandthatshookandjingledateverystep。
Imotionedhimawaywithsilentdignity，buthestilladvanced，screechingoutthewhile：
"I"ma-coming，sur，I"ma-coming。I"malittlelame。Iain"tasspryasIusedtobe。Thisway，sur。"
"Goaway，youmiserableoldman，"Isaid。
"I"vecomeassoonasIcould，sur，"hereplied。"Mymissisneverseeyoutilljustthisminute。Youfollowme，sur。"
"Goaway，"Irepeated；"leavemebeforeIgetoverthewall，andslayyou。"
Heseemedsurprised。
"Don"tyouwanttoseethetombs？"hesaid。
"No，"Ianswered，"Idon"t。Iwanttostophere，leaningupagainstthisgrittyoldwall。Goaway，anddon"tdisturbme。Iamchockfullofbeautifulandnoblethoughts，andIwanttostoplikeit，becauseitfeelsniceandgood。Don"tyoucomefoolingabout，makingmemad，chivyingawayallmybetterfeelingswiththissillytombstonenonsenseofyours。Goaway，andgetsomebodytoburyyoucheap，andI"llpayhalftheexpense。"
Hewasbewilderedforamoment。Herubbedhiseyes，andlookedhardatme。Iseemedhumanenoughontheoutside：hecouldn"tmakeitout。
Hesaid：
"Yuiseastrangerintheseparts？Youdon"tlivehere？"
"No，"Isaid，"Idon"t。YOUwouldn"tifIdid。"
"Wellthen，"hesaid，"youwanttoseethetombs-graves-folksbeenburied，youknow-coffins！"
"Youareanuntruther，"Ireplied，gettingroused；"Idonotwanttoseetombs-notyourtombs。WhyshouldI？Wehavegravesofourown，ourfamilyhas。WhymyunclePodgerhasatombinKensalGreenCemetery，thatistheprideofallthatcountry-side；andmygrandfather"svaultatBowiscapableofaccommodatingeightvisitors，whilemygreat-auntSusanhasabrickgraveinFinchleyChurchyard，withaheadstonewithacoffee-
potsortofthinginbas-reliefuponit，andasix-inchbestwhitestonecopingallthewayround，thatcostpounds。WhenIwantgraves，itistothoseplacesthatIgoandrevel。Idonotwantotherfolk"s。Whenyouyourselfareburied，Iwillcomeandseeyours。ThatisallIcandoforyou。"
Heburstintotears。Hesaidthatoneofthetombshadabitofstoneuponthetopofitthathadbeensaidbysometobeprobablypartoftheremainsofthefigureofaman，andthatanotherhadsomewords，carveduponit，thatnobodyhadeverbeenabletodecipher。
Istillremainedobdurate，and，inbroken-heartedtones，hesaid：
"Well，won"tyoucomeandseethememorialwindow？"
Iwouldnotevenseethat，sohefiredhislastshot。Hedrewnear，andwhisperedhoarsely：
"I"vegotacoupleofskullsdowninthecrypt，"hesaid；"comeandseethose。Oh，docomeandseetheskulls！Youareayoungmanoutforaholiday，andyouwanttoenjoyyourself。Comeandseetheskulls！"
ThenIturnedandfled，andasIspedIheardhimcallingtome：
"Oh，comeandseetheskulls；comebackandseetheskulls！"
Harris，however，revelsintombs，andgraves，andepitaphs，andmonumentalinscriptions，andthethoughtofnotseeingMrs。Thomas"sgravemadehimcrazy。HesaidhehadlookedforwardtoseeingMrs。
Thomas"sgravefromthefirstmomentthatthetripwasproposed-saidhewouldn"thavejoinedifithadn"tbeenfortheideaofseeingMrs。
Thomas"stomb。
IremindedhimofGeorge，andhowwehadtogettheboatuptoSheppertonbyfiveo"clocktomeethim，andthenhewentforGeorge。WhywasGeorgetofoolaboutallday，andleaveustolugthislumberingoldtop-heavybargeupanddowntheriverbyourselvestomeethim？Whycouldn"tGeorgecomeanddosomework？Whycouldn"thehavegotthedayoff，andcomedownwithus？Bankbeblowed！Whatgoodwasheatthebank？
"Ineverseehimdoinganyworkthere，"continuedHarris，"wheneverIgoin。Hesitsbehindabitofglassallday，tryingtolookasifhewasdoingsomething。What"sthegoodofamanbehindabitofglass？Ihavetoworkformyliving。Whycan"thework。Whatuseishethere，andwhat"sthegoodoftheirbanks？Theytakeyourmoney，andthen，whenyoudrawacheque，theysenditbacksmearedalloverwith`Noeffects，"
`Refertodrawer。"What"sthegoodofthat？That"sthesortoftricktheyservedmetwicelastweek。I"mnotgoingtostanditmuchlonger。
Ishallwithdrawmyaccount。Ifhewashere，wecouldgoandseethattomb。Idon"tbelievehe"satthebankatall。He"slarkingaboutsomewhere，that"swhathe"sdoing，leavingustodoallthework。I"mgoingtogetout，andhaveadrink。"
Ipointedouttohimthatweweremilesawayfromapub。；andthenhewentonabouttheriver，andwhatwasthegoodoftheriver，andwaseveryonewhocameontherivertodieofthirst？
ItisalwaysbesttoletHarrishavehisheadwhenhegetslikethis。
Thenhepumpshimselfout，andisquietafterwards。
Iremindedhimthattherewasconcentratedlemonadeinthehamper，andagallon-jarofwaterinthenoseoftheboat，andthatthetwoonlywantedmixingtomakeacoolandrefreshingbeverage。
Thenheflewoffaboutlemonade，and"such-likeSunday-schoolslops，"ashetermedthem，ginger-beer，raspberrysyrup，&c。，&c。Hesaidtheyallproduceddyspepsia，andruinedbodyandsoulalike，andwerethecauseofhalfthecrimeinEngland。
Hesaidhemustdrinksomething，however，andclimbedupontheseat，andleantovertogetthebottle。Itwasrightatthebottomofthehamper，andseemeddifficulttofind，andhehadtoleanoverfurtherandfurther，and，intryingtosteeratthesametime，fromatopsy-turvypointofview，hepulledthewrongline，andsenttheboatintothebank，andtheshockupsethim，andhediveddownrightintothehamper，andstoodthereonhishead，holdingontothesidesoftheboatlikegrimdeath，hislegsstickingupintotheair。Hedarednotmoveforfearofgoingover，andhadtostaytheretillIcouldgetholdofhislegs，andhaulhimback，andthatmadehimmadderthanever。
CHAPTERVIII。
BLACKMAILING-THEPROPERCOURSETOPURSUE-SELFISHBOORISHNESSOF
RIVER-SIDELANDOWNER-"NOTICE"BOARDS-UNCHRISTIANLIKEFEELINGSOF
HARRIS-HOWHARRISSINGSACOMICSONG-AHIGH-CLASSPARTY-SHAMEFUL
CONDUCTOFTWOABANDONEDYOUNGMEN-SOMEUSELESSINFORMATION-GEORGE
BUYSABANJO。
WEstoppedunderthewillowsbyKemptonPark，andlunched。Itisaprettylittlespotthere：apleasantgrassplateau，runningalongbythewater"sedge，andoverhungbywillows。Wehadjustcommencedthethirdcourse-thebreadandjam-whenagentlemaninshirt-sleevesandashortpipecamealong，andwantedtoknowifweknewthatweweretrespassing。Wesaidwehadn"tgiventhemattersufficientconsiderationasyettoenableustoarriveatadefiniteconclusiononthatpoint，butthat，ifheassuredusonhiswordasagentlemanthatweWERE
trespassing，wewould，withoutfurtherhesitation，believeit。
Hegaveustherequiredassurance，andwethankedhim，buthestillhungabout，andseemedtobedissatisfied，soweaskedhimiftherewasanythingfurtherthatwecoulddoforhim；andHarris，whoisofachummydisposition，offeredhimabitofbreadandjam。
Ifancyhemusthavebelongedtosomesocietysworntoabstainfrombreadandjam；forhedeclineditquitegruffly，asifhewerevexedatbeingtemptedwithit，andheaddedthatitwashisdutytoturnusoff。
Harrissaidthatifitwasadutyitoughttobedone，andaskedthemanwhatwashisideawithregardtothebestmeansforaccomplishingit。
Harrisiswhatyouwouldcallawell-mademanofaboutnumberonesize，andlookshardandbony，andthemanmeasuredhimupanddown，andsaidhewouldgoandconsulthismaster，andthencomebackandchuckusbothintotheriver。
Ofcourse，weneversawhimanymore，and，ofcourse，allhereallywantedwasashilling。Thereareacertainnumberofriversideroughswhomakequiteanincome，duringthesummer，byslouchingaboutthebanksandblackmailingweak-mindednoodlesinthisway。Theyrepresentthemselvesassentbytheproprietor。Thepropercoursetopursueistoofferyournameandaddress，andleavetheowner，ifhereallyhasanythingtodowiththematter，tosummonyou，andprovewhatdamageyouhavedonetohislandbysittingdownonabitofit。Butthemajorityofpeoplearesointenselylazyandtimid，thattheyprefertoencouragetheimpositionbygivingintoitratherthanputanendtoitbytheexertionofalittlefirmness。
Whereitisreallytheownersthataretoblame，theyoughttobeshownup。Theselfishnessoftheriparianproprietorgrowswitheveryyear。
IfthesemenhadtheirwaytheywouldclosetheriverThamesaltogether。
Theyactuallydothisalongtheminortributarystreamsandinthebackwaters。Theydrivepostsintothebedofthestream，anddrawchainsacrossfrombanktobank，andnailhugenotice-boardsoneverytree。Thesightofthosenotice-boardsrouseseveryevilinstinctinmynature。I
feelIwanttoteareachonedown，andhammeritovertheheadofthemanwhoputitup，untilIhavekilledhim，andthenIwouldburyhim，andputtheboardupoverthegraveasatombstone。
ImentionedthesefeelingsofminetoHarris，andhesaidhehadthemworsethanthat。Hesaidhenotonlyfelthewantedtokillthemanwhocausedtheboardtobeputup，butthatheshouldliketoslaughterthewholeofhisfamilyandallhisfriendsandrelations，andthenburndownhishouse。Thisseemedtometobegoingtoofar，andIsaidsotoHarris；butheanswered：
"Notabitofit。Serve`emalljollywellright，andI"dgoandsingcomicsongsontheruins。"
IwasvexedtohearHarrisgooninthisblood-thirstystrain。Weneveroughttoallowourinstinctsofjusticetodegenerateintomerevindictiveness。ItwasalongwhilebeforeIcouldgetHarristotakeamoreChristianviewofthesubject，butIsucceededatlast，andhepromisedmethathewouldsparethefriendsandrelationsatallevents，andwouldnotsingcomicsongsontheruins。
YouhaveneverheardHarrissingacomicsong，oryouwouldunderstandtheserviceIhadrenderedtomankind。ItisoneofHarris"sfixedideasthatheCANsingacomicsong；thefixedidea，onthecontrary，amongthoseofHarris"sfriendswhohaveheardhimtry，isthatheCAN"Tandneverwillbeableto，andthatheoughtnottobeallowedtotry。
WhenHarrisisataparty，andisaskedtosing，hereplies："Well，IcanonlysingaCOMICsong，youknow；"andhesaysitinatonethatimpliesthathissingingofTHAT，however，isathingthatyououghttohearonce，andthendie。
"Oh，thatISnice，"saysthehostess。"Dosingone，Mr。Harris；"andHarrisgetsup，andmakesforthepiano，withthebeamingcheerinessofagenerous-mindedmanwhoisjustabouttogivesomebodysomething。
"Now，silence，please，everybody"saysthehostess，turninground；"Mr。
Harrisisgoingtosingacomicsong！"
"Oh，howjolly！"theymurmur；andtheyhurryinfromtheconservatory，andcomeupfromthestairs，andgoandfetcheachotherfromalloverthehouse，andcrowdintothedrawing-room，andsitround，allsmirkinginanticipation。
ThenHarrisbegins。
Well，youdon"tlookformuchofavoiceinacomicsong。Youdon"texpectcorrectphrasingorvocalization。Youdon"tmindifamandoesfindout，wheninthemiddleofanote，thatheistoohigh，andcomesdownwithajerk。Youdon"tbotherabouttime。Youdon"tmindamanbeingtwobarsinfrontoftheaccompaniment，andeasingupinthemiddleofalinetoargueitoutwiththepianist，andthenstartingtheverseafresh。Butyoudoexpectthewords。
Youdon"texpectamantoneverremembermorethanthefirstthreelinesofthefirstverse，andtokeeponrepeatingtheseuntilitistimetobeginthechorus。Youdon"texpectamantobreakoffinthemiddleofaline，andsnigger，andsay，it"sveryfunny，buthe"sblestifhecanthinkoftherestofit，andthentryandmakeitupforhimself，and，afterwards，suddenlyrecollectit，whenhehasgottoanentirelydifferentpartofthesong，andbreakoff，withoutawordofwarning，togobackandletyouhaveitthenandthere。Youdon"t-well，IwilljustgiveyouanideaofHarris"scomicsinging，andthenyoucanjudgeofitforyourself。