第8章

ButI’musedtogoinghungrywhenIhaveto。Now，’sayshe，’I’mgoingoutandgetahackandridedowntotheaddressonthisScuddercard。Youstayhereandtrytohustlesomegrub。ButIdoubtifyou’llfindit。I

wishwe’dbroughtalongsomecornmealandbaconandbeans。I’llbebackwhenIseethisScudder，ifthetrailain’twipedout。’

"SoIstartsforagingforbreakfast。ForthehonourofoldMojadaCountyIdidn’twanttoseemgreentothemabolitionists，soeverytimeIturnedacornerinthemmarblehallsIwentuptothefirstdeskorcounterIseeandlooksaroundforgrub。IfIdidn’tseewhatIwantedIaskedforsomethingelse。InabouthalfanhourIhadadozencigars，fivestorymagazines，andsevenoreightrailroadtime-tablesinmypockets，andneverasmellofcoffeeorbacontopointoutthetrail。

"OncealadysittingatatableandplayingagamekindoflikepushpintoldmetogointoaclosetthatshecalledNumber3。Iwentinandshutthedoor，andtheblamedthinglititselfup。Isetdownonastoolbeforeashelfandwaited。ThinksI，’Thisisaprivatedining-room。’Butnowaiternevercame。WhenIgottosweatinggoodandhard，Igoesoutagain。

"’Didyougetwhatyouwanted？’saysshe。

"’No，ma’am，’saysI。’Notabite。’

"’Thenthere’snocharge，’saysshe。

"’Thanky，ma’am，’saysI，andItakesupthetrailagain。

"ByandbyIthinksI’llshedetiquette；andIpicksuponeofthemboyswithblueclothesandyellowbuttonsinfront，andheleadsmetowhathecallsthecaffaybreakfastroom。AndthefirstthingIlaysmyeyesonwhenIgoinisthatboythathadshotPedroJohnson。Hewassettingallaloneatalittletable，hittingaeggwithaspoonlikehewasafraidhe’dbreakit。

"Itakesthechairacrossthetablefromhim；andhelooksinsultedandmakesamovelikehewasgoingtogetup。

"’Keepstill，son，’saysI。’You’reapprehended，arrested，andinchargeoftheTexasauthorities。Goonandhammerthateggsomemoreifit’stheinsideofityouwant。Now，whatdidyoushootMr。Johnson，ofBildad，for？’

"AndmayIaskwhoyouare？’sayshe。

"’Youmay，’saysI。’Goahead。’

"’Isupposeyou’reon，’saysthiskid，withoutbattinghiseyes。’Butwhatareyoueating？Here，waiter！’hecallsout，raisinghisfinger。

’Takethisgentleman’sorder。

"’Abeefsteak，’saysI，’andsomefriedeggsandacanofpeachesandaquartofcoffeewillaboutsuffice。’

"Wetalkawhileaboutthesundriesoflifeandthenhesays：

"’Whatareyougoingtodoaboutthatshooting？Ihadarighttoshootthatman，’sayshe。’HecalledmenamesthatIcouldn’toverlook，andthenhestruckme。Hecarriedagun，too。WhatelsecouldIdo？’

"’We’llhavetotakeyoubacktoTexas，’saysI。

"’I’dliketogoback，’saystheboy，withakindofagrin——’ifitwasn’tonanoccasionofthiskind。It’sthelifeIlike。I’vealwayswantedtorideandshootandliveintheopenaireversinceIcanremember。’

"’Whowasthisgangofstoutpartiesyoutookthistripwith？’Iasks。

"’Mystepfather，’sayshe，’andsomebusinesspartnersofhisinsomeMexicanminingandlandschemes。’

"’IsawyoushootPedroJohnson，’saysI，’andItookthatlittlepopgunawayfromyouthatyoudiditwith。AndwhenIdidsoInoticedthreeorfourlittlescarsinarowoveryourrighteyebrow。You’vebeeninrookusbefore，haven’tyou？’

"’I’vehadthesescarseversinceIcanremember，’sayshe。’Idon’tknowhowtheycamethere。’

"’WasyoueverinTexasbefore？’saysI。

"’NotthatIrememberof，’sayshe。’ButIthoughtIhadwhenwestrucktheprairiecountry。ButIguessIhadn’t。’

"’Haveyougotamother？’Iasks。

"’Shediedfiveyearsago，’sayshe。

"Skippingoverthemostofwhatfollowed——whenLukecamebackIturnedthekidovertohim。HehadseenScudderandtoldhimwhathewanted；anditseemsthatScuddergotactivewithoneofthesetelephonesassoonasheleft。Forinaboutanhourafterwardtherecomestoourhotelsomeofthesecityrangersineverydayclothesthattheycalldetectives，andmarchesthewholeoutfitofustowhattheycallamagistrate’scourt。

TheyaccuseLukeofat-temptedkidnapping，andaskhimwhathehastosay。

"’Thissnipe，’saysLuketothejudge，’shotandwilfullypuncturedwithmaliceandforethoughtoneofthemostrespectedandprominentcitizensofthetownofBildad，Texas，YourHonor。Andinsodoinglaidhimselfliabletothepenitenceoflawandorder。AndIherebymakeclaimanddemandrestitutionoftheStateofNewYorkCityforthesaidallegedcriminal；andIknowhedoneit。’

"’Haveyoutheusualandnecessaryrequisitionpapersfromthegovernorofyourstate？’asksthejudge。

"’Myusualpapers，’saysLuke，’wastakenawayfrommeatthehotelbythesegentlemenwhorepresentlawandorderinyourcity。TheywastwoColt’s。45’sthatI’vepackedfornineyears；andifIdon’tget’emback，there’llbemoretrouble。YoucanaskanybodyinMojadaCountyaboutLukeSummers。Idon’tusuallyneedanyotherkindofpapersforwhatIdo。’

"Iseethejudgelooksmad，soIstepsupandsays：

"’YourHonor，theaforesaiddefendant，Mr。LukeSummers，sheriffofMojadaCounty，Texas，isasfineamanaseverthrewaropeorupheldthestatutesandcodicilsofthegreateststateintheUnion。Buthe——’

"ThejudgehitshistablewithawoodenhammerandaskswhoIam。

"BudOakley，’saysI。’Officedeputyofthesheriff’sofficeofMojadaCounty，Texas。Representing，’saysI，’theLaw。LukeSummers，’Igoeson，’representsOrder。AndifYourHonorwillgivemeabouttenminutesinprivatetalk，I’llexplainthewholethingtoyou，andshowyoutheequitableandlegalrequisitionpaperswhichIcarryinmypocket。’

"Thejudgekindofhalfsmilesandsayshewilltalkwithmeinhisprivateroom。InthereIputthewholethinguptohiminsuchlanguageasIhad，andwhenwegoesoutside，heannouncestheverdictthattheyoungmanisdeliveredintothehandsoftheTexasauthorities；andcallsthenextcase。

"Skippingovermuchofwhathappenedonthewayback，I’lltellyouhowthethingwoundupinBildad。

"Whenwegottheprisonerinthesheriff’soffice，IsaystoLuke：

"’You，rememberthatkidofyours——thattwo-yearoldthattheystoleawayfromyouwhenthebust-upcome？’

"Lukelooksblackandangry。He’dneverletanybodytalktohimaboutthatbusiness，andhenevermentionedithimself。

"’Toethemark，’saysI。’DoyourememberwhenhewastoddlingaroundontheporchandfelldownonapairofMexicanspursandcutfourlittleholesoverhisrighteye？Lookattheprisoner，’saysI，’lookathisnoseandtheshapeofhisheadand——why，youoldfool，don’tyouknowyourownson？——Iknewhim，’saysI，’whenheperforatedMr。Johnsonatthedepot。’

"Lukecomesovertomeshakingallover。Ineversawhimlosehisnervebefore。

"’Bud，’sayshe。’I’veneverhadthatboyoutofmymindonedayoronenightsincehewastookaway。ButIneverleton。Butcanweholdhim？

——Canwemakehimstay？——I’llmakethebestmanofhimthateverputhisfootinastirrup。Waitaminute，’sayshe，allexcitedandoutofhismind——’I’vegotsome-thinghereinmydesk——Ireckonit’llholdlegalyet——I’velookedatitathousandtimes——"Cus-to-dyofthechild，"saysLuke——"Cus-to-dyofthechild。"Wecanholdhimonthat，can’twe？Le’meseeifIcanfindthatdecree。’

"Lukebeginstotearhisdesktopieces。

"’Holdon，’saysI。’YouareOrderandI’mLaw。Youneedn’tlookforthatpaper，Luke。Itain’tadecreeanymore。It’srequisitionpapers。

It’sonfileinthatMagistrate’sofficeinNewYork。Itookitalongwhenwewent，becauseIwasofficedeputyandknewthelaw。’

"’I’vegothimback，’saysLuke。’He’smineagain。Ineverthought——’

"’Waitaminute，’saysI。’We’vegottohavelawandorder。Youandmehavegottopreserve’embothinMojadaCountyaccordingtoouroathandconscience。ThekidshotPedroJohnson，oneofBildad’smostprominentand——’

"’Oh，hell！’saysLuke。’Thatdon’tamounttoanything。ThatfellowwashalfMexican，anyhow。’"

XXIITRANSFORMATIONOFMARTINBURNEY

InbehalfofSirWalter’ssoothingplantletuslookintothecaseofMartinBurney。

TheywereconstructingtheSpeedwayalongthewestbankoftheHarlemRiver。Thegrub-boatofDennisCorrigan，sub-contractor，wasmooredtoatreeonthebank。Twenty-twomenbelongingtothelittlegreenislandtoiledthereatthesinew-crackinglabour。Oneamongthem，whowroughtinthekitchenofthegrub-boatwasoftheraceoftheGoths。OverthemallstoodtheexorbitantCorrigan，harryingthemlikethecaptainofagalleycrew。Hepaidthemsolittlethatmostofthegang，workastheymight，earnedlittlemorethanfoodandtobacco；manyofthemwereindebttohim。Corriganboardedthemallinthegrub-boat，andgavethemgoodgrub，forhegotitbackinwork。

MartinBurneywasfurthestbehindofall。Hewasalittleman，allmusclesandhandsandfeet，withagray-red，stubblybeard。Hewastoolightforthework，whichwouldhavegluttedthecapacityofasteamshovel。

Theworkwashard。Besidesthat，thebanksoftheriverwerehummingwithmosquitoes。Asachildinadarkroomfixeshisregardonthepalelightofacomfortingwindow，thesetoilerswatchedthesunthatbroughtaroundtheonehourofthedaythattastedlessbitter。Afterthesundownsuppertheywouldhuddletogetherontheriverbank，andsendthemosquitoeswhiningandeddyingbackfromthemalignantpuffsoftwenty-threereekingpipes。Thussociallybandedagainstthefoe，theywrenchedoutofthehourafewwell-smokeddropsfromthecupofjoy。

EachweekBurneygrewdeeperindebt。Corrigankeptasmallstockofgoodsontheboat，whichhesoldtothemenatpricesthatbroughthimnoloss。Burneywasagoodcustomeratthetobaccocounter。Onesackwhenhewenttoworkinthemorningandonewhenhecameinatnight，somuchwashisaccountswelleddaily。Burneywassomethingofasmoker。Yetitwasnottruethatheatehismealswithapipeinhismouth，whichhadbeensaidofhim。Thelittlemanwasnotdiscontented。Hehadplentytoeat，plentyoftobacco，andatyranttocurse；sowhyshouldnothe，anIrishman，bewellsatisfied？

Onemorningashewasstartingwiththeothersforworkhestoppedatthepinecounterforhisusualsackoftobacco。

"There’snomoreforye，"saidCorrigan。"Youraccount’sclosed。Yearealosinginvestment。No，noteventobaccy，myson。Nomoretobaccyonaccount。Ifyewanttoworkonandeat，doso，butthesmokeofyehasallascended。’Tismyadvicethatyehuntanewjob。"

"Ihavenotobaccytosmokeinmypipethisday，Mr。Corrigan，"saidBurney，notquiteunderstandingthatsuchathingcouldhappentohim。

"Earnit，"saidCorrigan，"andthenbuyit。"

Burneystayedon。Heknewofnootherjob。Atfirsthedidnotrealizethattobaccohadgottobehisfatherandmother，hisconfessorandsweetheart，andwifeandchild。

Forthreedayshemanagedtofillhispipefromtheothermen’ssacks，andthentheyshuthimoff，oneandall。Theytoldhim，roughbutfriendly，thatofallthingsintheworldtobaccomustbequickestforthcomingtoafellow-mandesiringit，butthatbeyondtheimmediatetemporaryneedrequisitionuponthestoreofacomradeispressedwithgreatdangertofriendship。

ThentheblacknessofthepitaroseandfilledtheheartofBurney。

Suckingthecorpseofhisdeceaseddudheen，hestaggeredthroughhisdutieswithhisbarrowfulofstonesanddirt，feelingforthefirsttimethatthecurseofAdamwasuponhim。Othermenbereftofapleasuremighthaverecoursetootherdelights，butBurneyhadonlytwocomfortsinlife。Onewashispipe，theotherwasanecstatichopethattherewouldbenoSpeedwaystobuildontheothersideofJordan。

Atmealtimeshewouldlettheothermengofirstintothegrub-boat，andthenhewouldgodownonhishandsandknees，grovellingfiercelyuponthegroundwheretheyhadbeensitting，tryingtofindsomestraycrumbsoftobacco。Oncehesneakeddowntheriverbankandfilledhispipewithdeadwillowleaves。AtthefirstwhiffofthesmokehespatinthedirectionoftheboatandputthefinestcurseheknewonCorrigan——onethatbeganwiththefirstCorrigansbornonearthandendedwiththeCorrigansthatshallhearthetrumpetofGabrielblow。HebegantohateCorriganwithallhisshakingnervesandsoul。Evenmurderoccurredtohiminavaguesortofway。Fivedayshewentwithoutthetasteoftobacco——hewhohadsmokedalldayandthoughtthenightmisspentinwhichhehadnotawakenedforapipefulortwounderthebedclothes。

OnedayamanstoppedattheboattosaythattherewasworktobehadintheBronxPark，wherealargenumberoflabourerswererequiredinmakingsomeimprovements。

AfterdinnerBurneywalkedthirtyyardsdowntheriverbankawayfromthemaddeningsmelloftheothers’pipes。Hesatdownuponastone。HewasthinkinghewouldsetoutfortheBronx。Atleasthecouldearntobaccothere。WhatifthebooksdidsayheowedCorrigan？Anyman’sworkwasworthhiskeep。Butthenhehatedtogowithoutgettingevenwiththehard-heartedscrewwhohadputhispipeout。Wasthereanywaytodoit？

SoftlysteppingamongtheclodscameTony，heoftheraceofGoths，whoworkedinthekitchen。HegrinnedatBurney’selbow，andthatunhappyman，fullofraceanimosityandholdingurbanityincontempt，growledathim："Whatd’yewant，ye——Dago？"

Tonyalsocontainedagrievance——andaplot。He，too，wasaCorriganhater，andhadbeenprimedtoseeitinothers。

"Howyoulike-aMr。Corrigan？"heasked。"Youthink-ahimanice-aman？"

"Tohellwith’m，"hesaid。"Mayhisliverturntowater，andthebonesofhimcrackinthecoldofhisheart。Maydogfennelgrowuponhisancestors’graves，andthegrandsonsofhischildrenbebornwithouteyes。Maywhiskeyturntoclabberinhismouth，andeverytimehesneezesmayheblisterthesolesofhisfeet。Andthesmokeofhispipe——mayitmakehiseyeswater，andthedropsfallonthegrassthathiscowseatandpoisonthebutterthathespreadsonhisbread。"

ThoughTonyremainedastrangertothebeautiesofthisimagery，hegatheredfromittheconvictionthatitwassufficientlyanti-Corriganinitstendency。So，withtheconfidenceofafellow-conspirator，hesatbyBurneyuponthestoneandunfoldedhisplot。

Itwasverysimpleindesign。EverydayafterdinneritwasCorrigan’shabittosleepforanhourinhisbunk。Atsuchtimesitwasthedutyofthecookandhishelper，Tony，toleavetheboatsothatnonoisemightdisturbtheautocrat。Thecookalwaysspentthishourinwalkingexercise。Tony’splanwasthis：AfterCorriganshouldbeasleephe（Tony）

andBurneywouldcutthemooringropesthatheldtheboattotheshore。

Tonylackedthenervetodothedeedalone。Thentheawkwardboatwouldswingoutintoaswiftcurrentandsurelyoverturnagainstarocktherewasbelow。

"Comeonanddoit，"saidBurney。"Ifthebackofyeachesfromthelickhegaveyeasthepitofmestomachdoesforthetasteofabitofsmoke，wecan’tcuttheropestooquick。"

"Alla-right，"saidTony。"Butbetterwait’bout-atenminutemore。

Give-aCorriganplentytimegetgood-asleep。"

Theywaited，sittinguponthestone。Therestofthemenwereatworkoutofsightaroundabendintheroad。Everythingwouldhavegonewell——

except，perhaps，withCorrigan，hadnotTonybeenmovedtodecoratetheplotwithitsconventionalaccompaniment。Hewasofdramaticblood，andperhapsheintuitivelydivinedtheappendagetovillainousmachinationsasprescribedbythestage。Hepulledfromhisshirtbosomalong，black，beautiful，venomouscigar，andhandedittoBurney。

"Youlike-asmokewhilewewait？"heasked。

Burneyclutcheditandsnappedofftheendasaterrierbitesatarat。

Helaidittohislipslikealong-lostsweetheart。Whenthesmokebegantodrawhegavealong，deepsigh，andthebristlesofhisgray-redmoustachecurleddownoverthecigarlikethetalonsofaneagle。Slowlytheredfadedfromthewhitesofhiseyes。Hefixedhisgazedreamilyuponthehillsacrosstheriver。Theminutescameandwent。

"’Bouttimetogonow，"saidTony。"Thatdamn-aCorriganhebeinthereeververyquick。"

Burneystartedoutofhistrancewithagrunt。Heturnedhisheadandgazedwithasurprisedandpainedseverityathisaccomplice。Hetookthecigarpartlyfromhismouth，butsuckeditbackagainimmediately，cheweditlovinglyonceortwice，andspoke，invirulentpuffs，fromthecornerofhismouth：

"Whatisit，yeyallerhaythen？Wouldyelaycontrivancesagainsttheenlightenedracesoftheearth，yeinstigatorofillegalcrimes？WouldyeseektopersuadeMartinBurneyintothedirtytricksofanindecentDago？

Wouldyebeformurderin’yourbenefactor，thegoodmanthatgivesyefoodandwork？Takethat，yepunkin-colouredassassin！"

ThetorrentofBurney’sindignationcarriedwithitbodilyassault。Thetoeofhisshoesentthewould-becutterofropestumblingfromhisseat。

Tonyaroseandfled。Hisvendettaheagainrelegatedtothefilesofthingsthatmighthavebeen。Beyondtheboathefledandaway-away；hewasafraidtoremain。

Burney，withexpandedchest，watchedhislatecoplotterdisappear。Thenhe，too，departed，settinghisfaceinthedirectionoftheBronx。

Inhiswakewasarankandpernicioustrailofnoisomesmokethatbroughtpeacetohisheartanddrovethebirdsfromtheroadsideintothedeepestthickets。

XXIIITHECALIPHANDTHECAD

Surelythereisnopastimemoredivertingthanthatofmingling，incognito，withpersonsofwealthandstation。Whereelsebutinthosecirclescanoneseelifeinitsprimitive，crudestateunhamperedbytheconventionsthatbindthedwellersinalowersphere？

TherewasacertainCaliphofBagdadwhowasaccustomedtogodownamongthepoorandlowlyforthesolaceobtainedfromtherelationoftheirtalesandhistories。Isitnotstrangethatthehumbleandpoverty-strickenhavenotavailedthemselvesofthepleasuretheymightgleanbydonningdiamondsandsilksandplayingCaliphamongthehauntsoftheupperworld？

TherewasonewhosawthepossibilitiesofthusturningthetablesonHarounalRaschid。HisnamewasCornyBrannigan，andhewasatruckdriverforaCanalStreetimportingfirm。AndifyoureadfurtheryouwilllearnhowheturnedupperBroadwayintoBagdadandlearnedsomethingabouthimselfthathedidnotknowbefore。

ManypeoplewouldhavecalledCornyasnob——preferablybymeansofatelephone。Hischiefinterestinlife，hischosenamusement，andhissolediversionafterworkinghours，wastoplacehimselfinjuxtaposition——

sincehecouldnothopetomingle——withpeopleoffashionandmeans。

EveryeveningafterCornyhadputuphisteamanddinedatalunch-counterthatmadeimmediatenessaspecialty，hewouldclothehimselfineveningraimentascorrectasanyyouwillseeinthepalmrooms。Thenhewouldbetakehimselftothatravishing，radiantroadwaydevotedtoThespis，Thais，andBacchus。

Foratimehewouldstrollaboutthelobbiesofthebesthotels，hissoulsteepedinblissfulcontent。Beautifulwomen，cooinglikedoves，butfeatheredlikebirdsofParadise，flickedhimwiththeirrobesastheypassed。Courtlygentlemenattendedthem，gallantandassiduous。AndCorny’sheartwithinhimswelledlikeSirLancelot’s，forthemirrorspoketohimashepassedandsaid："Corny，lad，there’snotaguyamong’emthatlooksabittheswellerthanyerself。Andyoudrivin’ofatruckandthemswearin’offtheirtaxesandplayin’theredinartgallerieswiththebestintheland！"

Andthemirrorsspakethetruth。Mr。CornyBranniganhadacquiredtheoutwardpolish，ifnothingmore。Longandkeenobservationofpolitesocietyhadgainedforhimitsmanner，itsgenteelair，and——mostdifficultofacquirement——itsreposeandease。

NowandtheninthehotelsCornyhadmanagedconversationandtemporaryacquaintancewithsubstantial，ifnotdistinguished，guests。Withmanyofthesehehadexchangedcards，andtheoneshereceivedhecarefullytreasuredforhisownuselater。Leavingthehotellobbies，Cornywouldstrollleisurelyabout，lingeringatthetheatreentrance，droppingintothefashionablerestaurantsasifseekingsomefriend。Herarelypatronizedanyoftheseplaces；hewasnobeecometosuckhoney，butabutterflyflashinghiswingsamongtheflowerswhosecalycesheldnosweetsforhim。Hiswageswerenotlargeenoughtofurnishhimwithmorethantheoutsidegarbofthegentleman。Tohavebeenoneofthebeingshesocunninglyimitated，CornyBranniganwouldhavegivenhisrighthand。

OnenightCornyhadanadventure。Afterabsorbingthedelightsofanhour’sloungingintheprincipalhotelsalongBroadway，hepassedupintothestrongholdofThespis。Cabdrivershailedhimasalikelyfare，tohispridefulcontent。Languishingeyeswereturneduponhimasahopefulsourceoflobstersandthedelectable，ascendantglobulesofeffervescence。TheseoverturesandunconsciouscomplimentsCornyswallowedasmanna，andhopedBill，theoffhorse，wouldbelesslameintheleftforefootinthemorning。

BeneathaclusterofmilkyglobesofelectriclightCornypausedtoadmirethesheenofhislow-cutpatentleathershoes。Thebuildingoccupyingtheanglewasapretentious_cafe_。Outofthiscameacouple，aladyinawhite，cobwebbyeveninggown，withalacewraplikeawreathofmistthrownoverit，andaman，tall，faultless，assured——tooassured。Theymovedtotheedgeofthesidewalkandhalted。Corny’seye，everalertfor"pointers"in"swell"behaviour，tooktheminwithasidelongglance。

"Thecarriageisnothere，"saidthelady。"Youorderedittowait？"

"Iordereditfornine-thirty，"saidtheman。"Itshouldbeherenow。"

Afamiliarnoteinthelady’svoicedrewamoreespecialattentionfromCorny。Itwaspitchedinakeywellknowntohim。Thesoftelectricshoneuponherface。Sistersofsorrowhavenoquartersfixedforthem。

IntheindextothebookofbreakingheartsyouwillfindthatBroadwayfollowsverysoonaftertheBowery。Thislady’sfacewassad，andhervoicewasattunedwithit。Theywaited，asifforthecarriage。Cornywaitedtoo，foritwasoutofdoors，andhewasnevertiredofaccumulatingandprofitingbyknowledgeofgentlemanlyconduct。

"Jack，"saidthelady，"don’tbeangry。I’vedoneeverythingIcouldtopleaseyouthisevening。Whydoyouactso？"

"Oh，you’reanangel，"saidtheman。"Dependuponwomantothrowtheblameuponaman。"

"I’mnotblamingyou。I’monlytryingtomakeyouhappy。"

"Yougoaboutitinaverypeculiarway。"

"Youhavebeencrosswithmealltheeveningwithoutanycause。"

"Oh，thereisn’tanycauseexcept——youmakemetired。"

Cornytookouthiscardcaseandlookedoverhiscollection。Heselectedonethatread："Mr。R。LionelWhyte-Melville，BloomsburySquare，London。"

ThiscardhehadinveigledfromatouristattheKingEdwardHotel。Cornysteppeduptothemanandpresenteditwithacorrectlyformalair。

"MayIaskwhyIamselectedforthehonour？"askedthelady’sescort。

Now，Mr。CornyBranniganhadaverywisehabitofsayinglittleduringhisimitationsoftheCaliphofBagdad。TheadviceofLordChesterfield：

"Wearablackcoatandholdyourtongue，"hebelievedinwithouthavingheard。Butnowspeechwasdemandedandrequiredofhim。

"Nogent，"saidCorny，"wouldtalktoaladylikeyoudone。Fieuponyou，Willie！Evenifshehappenstobeyourwifeyououghttohavemorerespectforyourclothesthantochinherbackthatway。Maybeitain’tmybutt-in，butitgoes，anyhow——youstrikemeasbein’awholelottothewrong。"

Thelady’sescortindulgedinmoreelegantlyexpressedbutfetchingrepartee。Corny，eschewinghistruckdriver’svocabulary，retortedasnearlyashecouldinpolitephrases。Thendiplomaticrelationsweresevered；therewasabriefbutlivelyset-towithotherthanoralweapons，fromwhichCornycamefortheasilyvictor。

Acarriagedashedup，drivenbyatardyandsolicitouscoachman。

"Willyoukindlyopenthedoorforme？"askedthelady。Cornyassistedhertoenter，andtookoffhishat。Theescortwasbeginningtoscrambleupfromthesidewalk。

"Ibegyourpardon，ma’am，"saidCorny，"ifhe’syourman。"

"He’snomanofmine，"saidthelady。"Perhapshe——butthere’snochanceofhisbeingnow。Drivehome，Michael。Ifyoucaretotakethis——withmythanks。"

ThreeredroseswerethrustoutthroughthecarriagewindowintoCorny’shand。Hetookthem，andthehandforaninstant；andthenthecarriagespedaway。

Cornygatheredhisfoe’shatandbegantobrushthedustfromhisclothes。

"Comealong，"saidCorny，takingtheothermanbythearm。

Hislateopponentwasyetalittledazedbythehardknockshehadreceived。Cornyledhimcarefullyintoasaloonthreedoorsaway。

"Thedrinksforus，"saidCorny"meandmyfriend。"

"You’reaqueerfeller，"saidthelady’slateescort——"lickamanandthenwanttoset’emup。

"You’remybestfriend，"saidCornyexultantly。"Youdon’tunderstand？

Well，listen。Youjustputmewisetosomethin’。Ibeenplayin’gentalongtime，thinkin’itwasjustthegladragsIhadandnothin’else。Say——you’reaswell，ain’tyou？Well，youtrotinthatclass，Iguess。I

don’t；butIfoundoutonething——I’magentleman，by——andIknowitnow。What’llyouhavetodrink？"

XXIVTHEDIAMONDOFKALI

TheoriginalnewsitemconcerningthediamondofthegoddessKaliwashandedintothecityeditor。Hesmiledandhelditforamomentabovethewastebasket。Thenhelaiditbackonhisdeskandsaid："TrytheSundaypeople；theymightworksomethingoutofit。"

TheSundayeditorglancedtheitemoverandsaid："H’m！"Afterwardhesentforareporterandexpandedhiscomment。

"YoumightseeGeneralLudlow，"hesaid，"andmakeastoryoutofthisifyoucan。Diamondstoriesareadrug；butthisoneisbigenoughtobefoundbyascrubwomanwrappedupinapieceofnewspaperandtuckedunderthecornerofthehalllinoleum。FindoutfirstiftheGeneralhasadaughterwhointendstogoonthestage。Ifnot，youcangoaheadwiththestory。RuncutsoftheKohinoorandJ。P。Morgan’scollection，andworkinpicturesoftheKimberleyminesandBarneyBarnato。Fillinwithatabulatedcomparisonofthevaluesofdiamonds，radium，andvealcutletssincethemeatstrike；andletitruntoahalfpage。"

Onthefollowingdaythereporterturnedinhisstory。TheSundayeditorlethiseyesprintalongitslines。"H’m！"hesaidagain。Thistimethecopywentintothewaste-basketwithscarcelyaflutter。

Thereporterstiffenedalittlearoundthelips；buthewaswhistlingsoftlyandcontentedlybetweenhisteethwhenIwentovertotalkwithhimaboutitanhourlater。

"Idon’tblamethe’oldman’，"saidhe，magnanimously，"forcuttingitout。Itdidsoundlikefunnybusiness；butithappenedexactlyasIwroteit。Say，whydon’tyoufishthatstoryoutofthew-b。anduseit？

Seemstomeit’sasgoodasthetommyrotyouwrite。"

Iacceptedthetip，andifyoureadfurtheryouwilllearnthefactsaboutthediamondofthegoddessKaliasvouchedforbyoneofthemostreliablereportersonthestaff。

Gen。MarcellusB。Ludlowlivesinoneofthosedecayingbutveneratedoldred-brickmansionsintheWestTwenties。TheGeneralisamemberofanoldNewYorkfamilythatdoesnotadvertise。Heisaglobe-trotterbybirth，agentlemanbypredilection，amillionairebythemercyofHeaven，andaconnoisseurofpreciousstonesbyoccupation。

ThereporterwasadmittedpromptlywhenhemadehimselfknownattheGeneral’sresidenceatabouteightthirtyontheeveningthathereceivedtheassignment。Inthemagnificentlibraryhewasgreetedbythedistinguishedtravellerandconnoisseur，atall，erectgentlemanintheearlyfifties，withanearlywhitemoustache，andabearingsosoldierlythatoneperceivedinhimscarcelyatraceoftheNationalGuardsman。Hisweather-beatencountenancelitupwithacharmingsmileofinterestwhenthereportermadeknownhiserrand。

"Ah，youhaveheardofmylatestfind。IshallbegladtoshowyouwhatI

conceivetobeoneofthesixmostvaluablebluediamondsinexistence。"

TheGeneralopenedasmallsafeinacornerofthelibraryandbroughtforthaplush-coveredbox。Openingthis，heexposedtothereporter’sbewilderedgazeahugeandbrilliantdiamond——nearlyaslargeasahailstone。

"Thisstone，"saidtheGeneral，"issomethingmorethanamerejewel。Itonceformedthecentraleyeofthethree-eyedgoddessKali，whoisworshippedbyoneofthefiercestandmostfanaticaltribesofIndia。IfyouwillarrangeyourselfcomfortablyIwillgiveyouabriefhistoryofitforyourpaper。

GeneralLudlowbroughtadecanterofwhiskeyandglassesfromacabinet，andsetacomfortablearmchairfortheluckyscribe。

"ThePhansigars，orThugs，ofIndia，"begantheGeneral，"arethemostdangerousanddreadedofthetribesofNorthIndia。Theyareextremistsinreligion，andworshipthehorridgoddessKaliintheformofimages。

Theirritesareinterestingandbloody。Therobbingandmurderingoftravellersaretaughtasaworthyandobligatorydeedbytheirstrangereligiouscode。Theirworshipofthethree-eyedgoddessKaliisconductedsosecretlythatnotravellerhaseverheretoforehadthehonourofwitnessingtheceremonies。Thatdistinctionwasreservedformyself。

"WhileatSakaranpur，betweenDelhiandKhelat，IusedtoexplorethejungleineverydirectioninthehopeoflearningsomethingnewaboutthesemysteriousPhansigars。

"OneeveningattwilightIwasmakingmywaythroughateakwoodforest，whenIcameuponadeepcirculardepressioninanopenspace，inthecentreofwhichwasarudestonetemple。IwassurethatthiswasoneofthetemplesoftheThugs，soIconcealedmyselfintheundergrowthtowatch。

"Whenthemoonrosethedepressionintheclearingwassuddenlyfilledwithhundredsofshadowy，swiftlyglidingforms。Thenadooropenedinthetemple，exposingabrightlyilluminatedimageofthegoddessKali，beforewhichawhite-robedpriestbeganabarbarousincantation，whilethetribeofworshippersprostratedthemselvesupontheearth。

"Butwhatinterestedmemostwasthecentraleyeofthehugewoodenidol。

Icouldseebyitsflashingbrilliancythatitwasanimmensediamondofthepurestwater。

"AftertheriteswereconcludedtheThugsslippedawayintotheforestassilentlyastheyhadcome。Theprieststoodforafewminutesinthedoorofthetempleenjoyingthecoolofthenightbeforeclosinghisratherwarmquarters。Suddenlyadark，litheshadowslippeddownintothehollow，leapeduponthepriest；andstruckhimdownwithaglitteringknife。ThenthemurderersprangattheimageofthegoddesslikeacatandpriedouttheglowingcentraleyeofKaliwithhisweapon。Straighttowardmeheranwithhisroyalprize。WhenhewaswithintwopacesI

rosetomyfeetandstruckhimwithallmyforcebetweentheeyes。Herolledoversenselessandthemagnificentjewelfellfromhishand。Thatisthesplendidbluediamondyouhavejustseen——astoneworthyofamonarch’scrown。"

"That’sacorkingstory，"saidthereporter。"ThatdecanterisexactlyliketheonethatJohnW。Gatesalwayssetsoutduringaninterview。"

"Pardonme，"saidGeneralLudlow，"forforgettinghospitalityintheexcitementofmynarrative。Helpyourself。"

"Here’slookingatyou，"saidthereporter。

"WhatIamafraidofnow，"saidtheGeneral，loweringhisvoice，"isthatImayberobbedofthediamond。Thejewelthatformedaneyeoftheirgoddessistheirmostsacredsymbol。Somehowthetribesuspectedmeofhavingit；andmembersofthebandhavefollowedmehalfaroundtheearth。Theyarethemostcunningandcruelfanaticsintheworld，andtheirreligiousvowswouldcompelthemtoassassinatetheunbelieverwhohasdesecratedtheirsacredtreasure。

"OnceinLucknowthreeoftheiragents，disguisedasservantsinahotel，endeavouredtostranglemewithatwistedcloth。Again，inLondon，twoThugs，madeupasstreetmusicians，climbedintomywindowatnightandattackedme。Theyhaveeventrackedmetothiscountry。Mylifeisneversafe。Amonthago，whileIwasatahotelintheBerkshires，threeofthemspranguponmefromtheroadsideweeds。Isavedmyselfthenbymyknowledgeoftheircustoms。"

"Howwasthat，General？"askedthereporter。

"Therewasacowgrazingnearby，"saidGeneralLudlow，"agentleJerseycow。Irantohersideandstood。ThethreeThugsceasedtheirattack，kneltandstruckthegroundthricewiththeirforeheads。Then，aftermanyrespectfulsalaams，theydeparted。"

"Afraidthecowwouldhook？"askedthereporter。

"No；thecowisasacredanimaltothePhansigars。Nexttotheirgoddesstheyworshipthecow。Theyhaveneverbeenknowntocommitanydeedofviolenceinthepresenceoftheanimaltheyreverence。"

"It’samightyinterestingstory，"saidthereporter。

"Ifyoudon’tmindI’lltakeanotherdrink，andthenafewnotes。"

"Iwilljoinyou，"saidGeneralLudlow，withacourteouswaveofhishand。

"IfIwereyou，"advisedthereporter，"I’dtakethatsparklertoTexas。

Getonacowranchthere，andthePharisees——"

"Phansigars，"correctedtheGeneral。

"Oh，yes；thefancyguyswouldrunupagainstalonghorneverytimetheymadeabreak。"

GeneralLudlowclosedthediamondcaseandthrustitintohisbosom。

"ThespiesofthetribehavefoundmeoutinNewYork，"hesaid，straighteninghistallfigure。"I’mfamiliarwiththeEastIndiancastofcountenance，andIknowthatmyeverymovementiswatched。Theywillundoubtedlyattempttorobandmurdermehere。"

"Here？"exclaimedthereporter，seizingthedecanterandpouringoutaliberalamountofitscontents。

"Atanymoment，"saidtheGeneral。"ButasasoldierandaconnoisseurI

shallsellmylifeandmydiamondasdearlyasIcan。"

Atthispointofthereporter’sstorythereisacertainvagueness，butitcanbegatheredthattherewasaloudcrashingnoiseattherearofthehousetheywerein。GeneralLudlowbuttonedhiscoatcloselyandsprangforthedoor。Butthereporterclutchedhimfirmlywithonehand，whileheheldthedecanterwiththeother。

"Tellmebeforewefly，"heurged，inavoicethickwithsomeinwardturmoil，"doanyofyourdaughterscontemplategoingonthestage？"

"Ihavenodaughters——flyforyourlife——thePhansigarsareuponus！"

criedtheGeneral。

Thetwomendashedoutofthefrontdoorofthehouse。

Thehourwaslate。Astheirfeetstrucktheside-walkstrangemenofdarkandforbiddingappearanceseemedtoriseupoutoftheearthandencompassthem。OnewithAsiaticfeaturespressedclosetotheGeneralanddronedinaterriblevoice：

"Buycastclo’！"

Another，dark-whiskeredandsinister，spedlithelytohissideandbeganinawhiningvoice：

"Say，mister，haveyergotadimeferapoorfellerwhat——"

Theyhurriedon，butonlyintothearmsofablack-eyed，dusky-browedbeing，whoheldouthishatundertheirnoses，whileaconfederateofOrientalhueturnedthehandleofastreetorgannearby。

TwentystepsfartheronGeneralLudlowandthereporterfoundthemselvesinthemidstofhalfadozenvillainous-lookingmenwithhigh-turnedcoatcollarsandfacesbristlingwithunshavenbeards。

"Runforit！"hissedtheGeneral。"TheyhavediscoveredthepossessorofthediamondofthegoddessKali。"

Thetwomentooktotheirheels。Theavengersofthegoddesspursued。

"Oh，Lordy！"groanedthereporter，"thereisn’tacowthissideofBrooklyn。We’relost！"

Whennearthecornertheybothfelloveranironobjectthatrosefromthesidewalkclosetothegutter。Clingingtoitdesperately，theyawaitedtheirfate。

"IfIonlyhadacow！"moanedthereporter——"oranothernipfromthatdecanter，General！"

Assoonasthepursuersobservedwheretheirvictimshadfoundrefugetheysuddenlyfellbackandretreatedtoaconsiderabledistance。

"Theyarewaitingforreinforcementsinordertoattackus，"saidGeneralLudlow。

Butthereporteremittedaringinglaugh，andhurledhishattriumphantlyintotheair。

"Guessagain，"heshouted，andleanedheavilyupontheironobject。"Youroldfancyguysorthugs，whateveryoucall’em，areuptodate。DearGeneral，thisisapumpwe’vestrandedupon——sameasacowinNewYork（hic！）see？Thas’hwhythe’nfuriatedsmokedguysdon’tattackus——

see？Sacredan’mal，thepumpinN’York，mydearGeneral！"

ButfurtherdownintheshadowsofTwenty-eighthStreetthemarauderswereholdingaparley。

"Comeon，Reddy，"saidone。"Let’sgofrisktheold’un。He’sbeenshown’asparklerasbigasaheneggallaroundEighthAvenuefortwoweekspast。"

"Notonyoursilhouette，"decidedReddy。"Yousee’emrallyin’roundThePump？They’refriendsofBill’s。Billwon’tstandfornothin’ofthiskindinhisdistrictsincehegotthatbidtoEsopus。"

ThisexhauststhefactsconcerningtheKalidiamond。Butitisdeemednotinconsequenttoclosewiththefollowingbrief（paid）itemthatappearedtwodayslaterinamorningpaper。

"ItisrumoredthatanieceofGen。MarcellusB。Ludlow，ofNewYorkCity，willappearonthestagenextseason。

"Herdiamondsaresaidtobeextremelyvaluableandofmuchhistoricinterest。"

XXVTHEDAYWECELEBRATE

"Inthetropics"（"Hop-along"Bibb，thebirdfancier，wassayingtome）

"theseasons，months，fortnights，week-ends，holidays，dog-days，Sundays，andyesterdaysgetsojumbledtogetherintheshufflethatyouneverknowwhenayearhasgonebyuntilyou’reinthemiddleofthenextone。"

"Hop-along"BibbkepthisbirdstoreonlowerFourthAvenue。Hewasanex-seamanandbeachcomberwhomaderegularvoyagestosouthernportsandimportedpersonallyconductedinvoicesoftalkingparrotsanddialecticparoquets。Hehadastiffknee，neck，andnerve。Ihadgonetohimtobuyaparrottopresent，atChristmas，tomyAuntJoanna。

"Thisone，"saidI，disregardinghishomilyonthesubdivisionsoftime——

"thisonethatseemsallred，white，andblue——towhatgenusofbeastsdoeshebelong？Heappealsatoncetomypatriotismandtomyloveofdiscordincolourschemes。"

"That’sacockatoofromEcuador，"saidBibb。"Allhehasbeentaughttosayis"MerryChristmas。"Aseasonablebird。He’sonlysevendollars；andI’llbetmanyahumanhasstuckyouformoremoneybymakingthesamespeechtoyou。"

AndthenBibblaughedsuddenlyandloudly。

"Thatbird，"heexplained，"remindsme。He’sgothisdatesmixed。Heoughttobesaying’_Epluribusunum_，’tomatchhisfeathers，insteadoftryingtoworktheSantaClausgraft。ItremindsmeofthetimemeandLiverpoolSamgotourideasofthingstangleduponthecoastofCostaRicaonaccountoftheweatherandotherphenomenatobemetwithinthetropics。

"Wewere，asitwere，strandedonthatsectionoftheSpanishmainwithnomoneytospeakofandnofriendsthatshouldbetalkedabouteither。Wehadstokedandsecond-cookedourselvesdownthereonafruitsteamerfromNewOrleanstotryourluck，whichwasdischarged，afterwegotthere，forlackofevidence。Therewasnoworksuitabletoourinstincts；someandLiverpoolbegantosubsistontheredrumofthecountryandsuchfruitaswecouldreapwherewehadnotsown。Itwasanalluvialtown，calledSoledad，wheretherewasnoharbourorfutureorrecourse。Betweensteamersthetownsleptanddrankrum。Itonlywokeupwhentherewerebananastoship。Itwaslikeamansleepingthroughdinneruntilthedessert。

"WhenmeandLiverpoolgotsolowdownthattheAmericanconsulwouldn’tspeaktousweknewwe’dstruckbedrock。

"Weboardedwithasnuff-brownladynamedChica，whokeptarum-shopandaladies’andgents’restaurantinastreetcalledthe_calledelos_

Forty-sevenInconsolableSaints。Whenourcreditplayedoutthere，Liverpool，whosestomachovershadowedhissensationsof_noblesseoblige_，marriedChica。Thiskeptusinriceandfriedplantainforamonth；andthenChicapoundedLiverpoolonemorningsadlyandearnestlyforfifteenminuteswithacasserolehandeddownfromthestoneage，andweknewthatwehadout-welcomedourliver。ThatnightwesignedanengagementwithDonJaimeMcSpinosa，ahybridbananafancieroftheplace，toworkonhisfruitpreservesninemilesoutoftown。Wehadtodoitorbereducedtoseawaterandbrokendosesoffeedandslumber。

"Now，speakingofLiverpoolSam，Idon’tmalignorinexculpatehimtoyouanymorethanIwouldtohisface。Butinmyopinion，whenanEnglishmangetsaslowashecanhe’sgottododgesothatthedregsofothernationsdon’tdropballastonhimoutoftheirballoons。Andifhe’saLiverpoolEnglishman，why，fire-dampiswhathe’sgottolookoutfor。BeinganaturalAmerican，that’smypersonalview。ButLiverpoolandmehadmuchincommon。Wewerewithoutdecorousclothesorwaysandmeansofexistence；and，asthesayinggoes，miserycertainlydoesenjoythesocietyofaccomplices。

"OurjobonoldMcSpinosa’splantationwaschoppingdownbananastalksandloadingthebunchesoffruitonthebacksofhorses。Thenanativedressedupinanalligatorhidebelt，amachete，andapairofAAsheetingpajamas，drives’emovertothecoastandpiles’emuponthebeach。

"Youeverbeeninabananagrove？It’sassolemnasarathskelleratsevenA。M。It’slikebeinglostbehindthescenesatoneofthesemushroommusicalshows。Youcan’tseetheskyforthefoliageaboveyou；

andthegroundiskneedeepinrottenleaves；andit’ssostillthatyoucanhearthestalksgrowingagainafteryouchop’emdown。

"AtnightmeandLiverpoolherdedinalotofgrasshutsontheedgeofalagoonwiththered，yellow，andblackemployesofDonJaime。Therewelayfightingmosquitoesandlisteningtothemonkeyssquallingandthealligatorsgruntingandsplashinginthelagoonuntildaylightwithonlysnatchesofsleepbetweentimes。

"Wesoonlostallideaofwhattimeoftheyearitwas。It’sjustabouteightydegreesthereinDecemberandJuneandonFridaysandatmidnightandelectiondayandanyotheroldtime。Sometimesitrainsmorethanatothers，andthat’sallthedifferenceyounotice。Amanisliabletolivealongtherewithoutnoticinganyfugitingoftempusuntilsomedaytheundertakercallsinforhimjustwhenhe’sbeginningtothinkaboutcuttingoutthegangandsavingupalittletoinvestinrealestate。

"Idon’tknowhowlongweworkedforDonJaime；butitwasthroughtwoortheerainyspells，eightortenhaircuts，andthelifeoftheepairsofsail-clothtrousers。Allthemoneyweearnedwentforrumandtobacco；

butweate，andthatwassomething。

"AllofasuddenonedaymeandLiverpoolfindthetradeofcommittingsurgicaloperationsonbananastalksturningtoaloesandquinineinourmouths。It’saseizurethatoftencomesuponwhitemeninLatinandgeographicalcountries。Wewantedtobeaddressedagaininlanguageandseethesmokeofasteamerandreadtherealestatetransfersandgents’

outfittingadsinanoldnewspaper。EvenSoledadseemedlikeacentreofcivilizationtous，sothateveningweputourthumbsonournoseatDonJaime’sfruitstandandshookhisgrassburrsoffourfeet。

"ItwasonlytwelvemilestoSoledad，butittookmeandLiverpooltwodaystogetthere。Itwasbananagrovenearlyalltheway；andwegottwistedtimeandagain。ItwaslikepagingthepalmroomofaNewYorkhotelforamannamedSmith。

"WhenwesawthehousesofSoledadbetweenthetreesallmydisinclinationtowardthisLiverpoolSamroseupinme。Istoodhimwhileweweretwowhitemenagainstthebananabrindles；butnow，whentherewereprospectsofmyexchangingevencusswordswithanAmericancitizen，Iputhimbackinhisproperplace。Andhewasasight，too，withhisrum-paintednoseandhisredwhiskersandelephantfeetwithleathersandalsstrappedtothem。IsupposeIlookedaboutthesame。

"’Itlookstome，’saysI，’likeGreatBritainoughttobemadetokeepsuchgin-swilling，scurvy，unbecomingmudlarksasyouathomeinsteadofsending’emoverheretodegradeandtaintforeignlands。WekickedyououtofAmericaonceandweoughttoputonrubberbootsanddoitagain。’

"’Oh，yougoto’ell，’saysLiverpool，whichwasaboutallthereparteeheeverhad。

"Well，Soledad，lookedfinetomeafterDonJaime’splantation。

Liverpoolandmewalkedintoitsidebyside，fromforceofhabit，pastthecalabosaandtheHotelGrande，downacrosstheplazatowardChica’shut，wherewehopedthatLiverpool，beingahusbandofhers，mightworkhisluckforameal。

"Aswepassedthetwo-storylittleframehouseoccupiedbytheAmericanClub，wenoticedthatthebalconyhadbeendecoratedallaroundwithwreathsofevergreensandflowers，andtheflagwasflyingfromthepoleontheroof。Stanzey，theconsul，andArk-right，agold-mineowner，weresmokingonthebalcony。MeandLiverpoolwavedourdirtyhandstoward’emandsmiledrealsocietysmiles；buttheyturnedtheirbackstousandwentontalking。Andwehadplayedwhistoncewiththetwoof’emuptothetimewhenLiverpoolheldallthirteentrumpsforfourhandsinsuccession。

Itwassomeholiday，weknew；butwedidn’tknowthedaynortheyear。

"AlittlefurtheralongwesawareverendmannamedPendergast，whohadcometoSoledadtobuildachurch，standingunderacocoanutpalmwithhislittleblackalpacacoatandgreenumbrella。

"’Boys，boys！’sayshe，throughhisbluespectacles，’isitasbadasthis？Areyousofarreduced？’

"’We’rereduced，’saysI，’toveryvulgarfractions。’

"’Itisindeedsad，’saysPendergast，’toseemycountrymeninsuchcircumstances。’

"’Cut’arfofthatout，oldparty，’saysLiverpool。’Cawn’tyoutellamemberoftheBritishupperclasseswhenyouseeone？’

"’Shutup，’ItoldLiverpool。’You’reonforeignsoilnow，orthatportionofitthat’snotonyou。’

"’Andonthisday，too！’goesonPendergast，grievous——’onthismostgloriousdayoftheyearwhenweshouldallbecelebratingthedawnofChristiancivilizationandthedownfallofthewicked。’

"’Ididnoticebuntingandbouquetsdecoratingthetown，reverend，’saysI，’butIdidn’tknowwhatitwasfor。We’vebeensolongoutoftouchwithcalendarsthatwedidn’tknowwhetheritwassummertimeorSaturdayafternoon。’

"’Hereistwodollars，’saysPendergastdigginguptwoChilisilverwheelsandhanding’emtome。’Go，mymen，andobservetherestofthedayinabefittingmanner。’

"MeandLiverpoolthankedhimkindly，andwalkedaway。

"’Shallweeat？’Iasks。

"’Oh，’ell！’saysLiverpool。’What’smoneyfor？’"’Verywell，then，’I

says，’sinceyouinsistuponit，we’lldrink。’

"Sowepullupinarumshopandgetaquartofitandgodownonthebeachunderacocoanuttreeandcelebrate。

"Nothavingeatenanythingbutorangesintwodays，therumhasimmediateeffect；andoncemoreIconjureupgreatrepugnancetowardtheBritishnation。

"’Standuphere，’IsaystoLiverpool，’youscumofadespotlimitedmonarchy，andhaveanotherdoseofBunkerHill。Thatgoodman，Mr。

Pendergast，’saysI，’saidweweretoobservethedayinabefittingmanner，andI’mnotgoingtoseehismoneymisapplied。’

"’Oh，yougoto’ell！’saysLiverpool，andIstartedinwithafineleft-handeronhisrighteye。

"Liverpoolhadbeenafighteronce，butdissipationandbadcompanyhadtakenthenerveoutofhim。IntenminutesIhadhimlyingonthesandwavingthewhiteflag。

"’Getup，’saysI，kickinghimintheribs，’andcomealongwithme。’

"Liverpoolgotupandfollowedbehindmebecauseitwashishabit，wipingtheredoffhisfaceandnose。IledhimtoReverendPendergast’sshackandcalledhimout。

"’Lookatthis，sir，’saysI——’lookatthisthingthatwasonceaproudBritisher。Yougaveustwodollarsandtoldustocelebratetheday。Thestar-spangledbannerstillwaves。Hurrahforthestarsandeagles！’

"’Dearme，’saysPendergast，holdinguphishands。’Fightingonthisdayofalldays！OnChristmasday，whenpeaceon——’

"’Christmas，hell！’saysI。’IthoughtitwastheFourthofJuly。’"

"MerryChristmas！"saidthered，white，andbluecockatoo。

"Takehimforsixdollars，"saidHop-alongBibb。"He’sgothisdatesandcoloursmixed。"