第3章

Forinstance，whyshouldn’tIdwellhereandgotoLondoneveryday，hireanofficethere，andputoutasignsomethinglikethis：

WILLIAMSHAKESPEARE

DRAMATIST

PlayswrittenwhileyouwaitIguessI’dfindplentytodo。"

"Guessagain，"saidTennyson。"Mydearboy，youforgetonething。

YOUAREOUTOFDATE。Peopledon’tgotothetheatrestohearYOU，theygotoseethepeoplewhoDOyou。"

"Thatistrue，"saidWard。"Andtheydodoyou，mybelovedWilliam。

It’sawondertomeyouarenotdizzyturningoverinyourgravethewaytheydoyou。"

"CanitbethatIcaneverbeoutofdate？"askedShakespeare。"I

know，ofcourse，thatIhavetobeadaptedattimes；buttobewhollyoutofdatestrikesmeasahardfate。"

"You’renotoutofdate，"interposedCarlyle；"thedateisoutofyou。ThereisagreatdemandforShakespeareinthesedays，butthereisn’tanystuff。"

"ThenIshouldsucceed，"saidShakespeare。

"No，Idon’tthinkso，"returnedCarlyle。"Youcouldn’tstandthepace。Theworldrevolvesfasterto—daythanitdidinyourtime——menwritethreeorfourplaysatonce。ThisiswhatyoumightcallaType—writerAge，andtokeepupwiththeprocessionyou’dhavetoworkasyouneverworkedbefore。"

"Thatistrue，"observedTennyson。"You’dhavetolearntobeambidextrous，sothatyoucouldkeeptwotype—writingmachinesgoingatonce；and，tobeperfectlyfrankwithyou，Icannotevenconjureupinmyfancyapictureofyouknockingoutatragedywiththerighthandononemachine，whileyourlefthandisfashioningafarce—

comedyonanother。"

"Hemightdoasagreatmanymodernwritersdo，"saidWard；"goinforthePaper—dollDrama。Cutthewholethingoutwithapairofscissors。Asthepoetmighthavesaidifhe’dbeencleverenough：

Oh，bringmethescissors，Andbringmetheglue，Andacoupleofdozenoldplays。

I’llcutoutandpasteAdramaforyouThat’llrunforquitesixty—twodays。

Oh，bringmeadressMadeofsatinandlace，Andabook——sayJoeMiller’s——ofwit；

AndI’llmaketheolddramatistsBlueinthefaceWiththeplaythatI’llturnoutforit。

Sobringmethescissors，Andbringmethepaste，Andadozenfineoldcomedies；

Afinelineofdresses，AndpopulartasteI’llmakeastrongefforttoplease。

"Youdrawaverybluepicture，itseemstome，"saidShakespeare，sadly。

"Well，it’strue，"saidCarlyle。"Theworldisn’tatallwhatitusedtobeinanyonerespect，andyoufellowswhomadegreatreputationscenturiesagowouldn’thaveeventheghostofashownow。

Idon’tbelieveHomercouldgetapoemacceptedbyamodernmagazine，andwhilethecomicpapersarestillprintingDiogenes’jokestheoldgentlemancouldn’tmakeenoughoutoftheminthesedaystopaytaxesonhistub，letaloneearninghisbread。"

"Thatisexactlyso，"saidTennyson。"I’dbewillingtowagertoothat，inthelineofpersonalprowess，evenD’ArtagnanandAthosandPorthosandAramiscouldn’tstandLondonforoneday。"

"OrNewYorkeither，"saidMr。Barnum，whohadbeenaninterestedlistener。"ANewYorkpolicemancouldhavemanagedthatquartetwithonehand。"

"Then，"saidShakespeare，"intheopinionofyougentlemen，weold—

timelionswouldappeartomoderneyestobemoreorlessstuffed？"

"That’saboutthesizeofit，"saidCarlyle。

"Butyou’ddraw，"saidBarnum，hisfacelightingupwithpleasure。

"You’ddriveafive—leggedcalftosuicidefromenvy。IfIcouldtakeyouandCaesar，andNapoleonBonaparteandNerooverforonecircusseasonwe’ddrivethemintoutofbusiness。"

"There’syourchance，William，"saidWard。"YouwriteaplayforBonaparteandCaesar，andletNerotakehisfiddleandbetheorchestra。UnderBarnum’smanagementyou’dgetenoughactivityinoneseasontolastyouthroughalleternity。"

"Youcancountonme，"saidBarnum，rising。"Letmeknowwhenyou’vegotyourplanlaidout。I’dstayandmakeacontractwithyounow，butAdamhaspromisedtogivemepointsonthemanagementofwildanimalswithoutcages，soIcan’twait。By—by。"

"Humph!"saidShakespeare，astheeminentshowmanpassedout。

"That’sagayproposition。WhenmonkeysmoveinpolitesocietyWilliamShakespearewillmakeaside—showofhimselfforacircus。"

"Theydonow，"saidThackeray，quietly。

WhichmerelyprovedthatShakespearedidnotmeanwhathesaid；forinspiteofThackeray’sinsinuationastothemonkeysandpolitesociety，hehasnotyetacceptedtheBarnumproposition，thoughtherecanbenodoubtofitsvaluefromthepointofviewofacircusmanager。

CHAPTERIX：ASTOCOOKERYANDSCULPTURE

RobertBurnsandHomerwereseatedatasmalltableinthedining—

roomofthehouse—boat，discussingeverythingingeneralandtheshadeofaveryexcellentluncheoninparticular。

"Weareingreatluckto—day，"saidBurns，ashecutaruddyduckintwain。"Thisbirdisdonejustright。"

"Iagreewithyou，"returnedHomer，drawinghischairatrifleclosertothetable。"ComparedtotheonewehadherelastThursday，thisisafeastforthegods。Iwonderwhoitwasthatcookedthisfowloriginally？"

"Igiveitup；butIsuspectitwasdonebysomemanwhoknewhisbusiness，"saidBurns，withasmackofhislips。"It’sapity，I

think，mydearHomer，thatthereisnomeansbywhichacookmaybecomeimmortal。Cookingisasmuchofanartasisthewritingofpoetry，andjustasthereareimmortalpoetssothereshouldbeimmortalcooks。Seewhatanadvantagethepoethas——hewritessomething，itgoesoutandreachestheinmostsoulofthemanwhoreadsit，anditissigned。Hisworkisknownbecauseheputshisnametoit；butthispoordevilofacook——whereishe？Hehasdonehisworkaswellasthepoeteverdidhis，ithasreachedtheinmostsoulofthemortalwhooriginallyateit，buthecannotgetthegloryofitbecausehecannotputhisnametoit。Ifthecookcouldsignhisworkitwouldbedifferent。"

"Youhavehituponagreattruth，"saidHomer，nodding，ashesometimeswaswonttodo。"AndyetIfearthat，ingeniousasweare，wecannotdeviseaplantoremedythematter。Idonotknowaboutyou，butIshouldmyselfmuchobjectifmybirdsandmyflapjacks，andotherthings，digestibleandotherwise，thatIeatherewereservedwiththecook’snamewrittenuponthem。Anomeletteissometimesapicture——"

"I’veseenomelettesthatlookedlikeoneofTurner’ssunsets，"

acquiescedBurns。

"Precisely；andwhenTurnerputsdowninonecornerofhiscanvas，’Turner，fecit，’youdonotobject，butifthecookdidthatwiththeomeletteyouwouldn’tlikeit。"

"No，"saidBurns；"buthemightfastenatagtoit，withhisnamewrittenuponthat。"

"Thatisso，"saidHomer；"buttheresultintheendwouldbethesame。Thetagswouldgetlost，orperhapsacarelesswaiter，droppingatrayfullofdainties，wouldgetthetagsofagoodandbadcookmixedintryingtorestorethecontentsofthetraytotheirpreviouscondition。Thetagsystemwouldfail。"

"ThereisbutoneotherwaythatIcanthinkof，"saidBurns，"andthatwoulddonogoodnowunlesswecanconveyourideasintotheotherworld；thatis，foragreatpoettolendhisgeniustothegreatcook，andmakethelatter’snameimmortalbyputtingitintoapoem。Say，forinstance，thatyouhadeatenafinebitofterrapin，donetothemostexquisitepoint——youcouldhaveaskedthecook’sname，andwrittenanapostrophetoher。Somethinglikethis，forinstance：

Oh，DinahRudd!oh，DinahRudd!

Thouartacookofbluestblood!

NowherewithinThisworldofsinHaveIe’ertastedbetterterrapin。

Doyousee？"

"Ido；buteventhen，mydearfellow，thecookwouldfallshortoftruefame。Herexcellencewouldbeamerematterofhearsayevidence，"saidHomer。

"Notifyouwentontodescribe，inakeenlyanalyticalmanner，thevirtuesofthatparticularbitofterrapin，"saidBurns。"Drawsovividapictureofthedishthatthereaderhimselfwouldtastethatterrapinevenasyoutastedit。"

"Youhavehitit!"criedHomer，enthusiastically。"Itisagrandplan；buthowtointroduceit——thatisthequestion。"

"Wecanhauntsomemodernpoet，andgivehimtheideainthatway，"

suggestedBurns。"Hewillseethenoveltyofit，andwillpossiblydisseminatetheideaaswewishittobedisseminated。"

"Done!"saidHomer。"I’llbeginrightaway。Ifeellikehauntingto—night。I’mgettingtobeaprettyoldghost，butI’llneverlosemyloveofhaunting。"

Atthispoint，asHomerspoke，afine—lookingspiritenteredtheroom，andtookaseatattheheadofthelongtableatwhichtheregularclubdinnerwasnightlyserved。

"Why，blessme!"saidHomer，hisfacelightingupwithpleasure。

"Why，Phidias，isthatyou？"

"Ithinkso，"saidthenew—comer，wearily；"atanyrate，it’sallthat’sleftofme。"

"Comeoverhereandlunchwithus，"saidHomer。"YouknowBurns，don’tyou？"

"Haven’tthepleasure，"saidPhidias。

Thepoetandthesculptorwereintroduced，afterwhichPhidiasseatedhimselfatHomer’sside。

"AreyouanyrelationtoBurnsthepoet？"theformerasked，addressingtheScotchman。

"IAMBurnsthepoet，"repliedtheother。

"Youdon’tlookmuchlikeyourstatues，"saidPhidias，scanninghisfacecritically。

"No，thanktheFates!"saidBurns，warmly。"IfIdid，I’dcommitsuicide。"

"Whydon’tyousuethesculptorsforlibel？"askedPhidias。

"Youspeakwithagreatdealoffeeling，Phidias，"saidHomer，gravely。"Havetheydoneanythingtohurtyou？"

"Theyhave，"saidPhidias。"Ihavejustreturnedfromatouroftheworld。Ihaveseenthethingstheycallsculptureinthesedegeneratedays，andImustconfess——whoshouldn’t，perhaps——thatI

couldhavedonebetterworkwithabaseball—batforachiselandputtyfortherawmaterial。"

"IthinkIcoulddogoodworkwithabaseball—battoo，"saidBurns；

"butasfortherawmaterial，givemetheheadsofthemenwhohavesculpedmetoworkon。I’dleavethemsothatthey’dlooklikesomeofyourParthenonfriezefigureswiththenosesgone。"

"Youareavindictivecreature，"saidHomer。"Thesemenyoucriticise，andwhoseheadsyouwishtosculpwithabaseball—bat，havedonemoreforyouthanyoueverdidforthem。Everystatueofyouthesemenhavemadeisastandingadvertisementofyourbooks，andithasn’tcostyouapenny。Thereisn’tadoubtinmymindthatifitwerenotforthosestatuescountlesspeoplewouldgototheirgravessupposingthatthegreatScottishBurnswerelittlerivulets，andnotapoet。Whatdifferencedoesitmaketoyouiftheyhaven’tmadeanAdonisofyou？Youneversetthemanexamplebymakingoneofyourself。Ifthere’sdeceptionanywhere，itisn’tyouthatisdeceived；itisthemortals。Andwhocaresaboutthemortheiropinions？"

"Ineverthoughtofitinthatway，"saidBurns。"Ihatecaricatures——thatis，caricaturesofmyself。Ienjoycaricaturesofotherpeople，but——"

"Youhaveagreatdealofthemortalleftinyou，consideringthatyouposeasanimmortal，"saidHomer，interruptingthespeaker。

"Well，sohaveI，"saidPhidias，resolvedtostandbyBurnsintheargument，"andI’msorryforthemanwhohasn’t。Iwasamortalonce，andI’mgladofit。Ihadagoodtime，andIdon’tcarewhoknowsit。WhenIlookaboutmeandseeJupiter，thearch—snobofcreation，andMars，alittletinwarriorwhocouldn’thavefoughtasoldierlikeNapoleon，withallhisallegeddivinity，IthanktheFatesthattheyenabledmetoachieveimmortalitythroughmortaleffort。Hanghereditarygreatness，Isay。Thesemenwerebornimmortals。YouandIworkedforitandgotit。Weknowwhatitcost。Itwasoursbecauseweearnedit，andnotbecausewewereborntoit。Eh，Burns？"

TheScotchmannoddedassent，andtheGreeksculptorwenton。

"Iamnotvindictivemyself，Homer，"hesaid。"Nobodyhashurtme，and，onthewhole，Idon’tthinksculptureisinsuchabadway，afterall。There’sashoemakerIwotofinthemortalrealmswhocanturntheprettiestlastyoueversaw；andIencounteredacarverinaLondoneating—houselastmonthwhoturnedoutasliceofbeefthatwascutasartisticallyasIcouldhavedoneitmyself。WhatI

objecttochieflyisthetendencyofthetimes。Thisisanelectricalage，andmeninmyoldprofessionaren’tcontenttoturnoutonechef—d’oeuvreinalifetime。Theytakeordersbythegross。

Iwaiteduponinspiration。To—daythesculptorwaitsuponcustom，andanartistwillmakeabustofanybodyinanymaterialdesiredaslongasheissureofgettinghispayafterwards。Isawalife—sizestatueoftheinventorofanewkindoflardtheotherday，andwhatdoyousupposethematerialwas？Gold？Notbyagreatdeal。Ivory？

Marble，even？Notabitofit。Hewasdoneinlard，sir。Ihaveseenawoman’sheaddoneinbutter，too，anditmakesmedistinctlywearytothinkthatmyartshouldbebroughtsolow。"

"YoudidyourbestworkinGreece，"chuckledHomer。

"Abadjoke，mydearHomer，"retortedPhidias。"IthoughtsculpturewasgettingdowntoaprettylowebbwhenIhadtofashionfriezesoutofmarble；butmarbleismorepreciousthanrubiesalongsideofbutterandlard。"

"Eachhasitsuses，"saidHomer。"I’dratherhavebutteronmybreadthanmarble，butImustconfessthatforsculptureitisverypoorstuff，asyousay。"

"Itisindeed，"saidPhidias。"Forpracticeit’sallrighttousebutter，butforexhibitionpurposes——bah!"

HerePhidias，toshowhiscontemptforbutterasrawmaterialinsculpture，seizedawoodentoothpick，andwithitmodelledabeautifulheadofMinervaoutofthepatthatstooduponthesmallplateathisside，andbeforeBurnscouldinterferehadspreadthechastefigureasthinlyashecoulduponapieceofbread，whichhetossedtotheshadeofahungrydogthatstoodyelpingontheriver—

bank。

"Heavens!"criedBurns。"ImperiousCaesardeadandturnedtobricksisasnothingtoaMinervacarvedbyPhidiasusedtostaythehungerofaraveningcur。"

"Well，it’sthewayIfeel，"saidPhidias，savagely。

"Ithinkyouareatriflefoolishtobesoeternallyvexedaboutit，"

saidHomer，soothingly。"Ofcourseyoufeelbadly，but，afterall，what’stheuse？Youmustknowthatthemortalswouldpaymoreforoneofyourstatuesthantheywouldforaspecimenofanymodernsculptor’sart；yes，evenifyoursweremodelledinwine—jellyandtheotherfellow’sinpuregold。Sowhyrepine？"

"You’dfeelthesamewayifpoetsdidasimilarlyvulgarthing，"

retortedPhidias；"youknowyouwould。Ifyoushouldhearofapoetto—daywritingapoemonathinlayeroflardorbutter，youwouldyourselfbethefirsttocallahalt。"

"No，Ishouldn’t，"saidHomer，quietly；"infact，Iwishthepoetswoulddothat。We’dhavefewerbadpoemstoread；andthat’sthewayyoushouldlookatit。Iventuretosaythatifthismodernplanofmakingbustsandfriezesinbutterhadbeenadoptedatanearlierperiod，thepublicplacesinourgreatcitiesandournationalWalhallaswouldseemlesslikerepositoriesofcomicart，sincethefirstcriticalraysofawarmsunwouldhavereducedthecarvenatrocitiesthereintoaspotonthepavement。Thebutterschoolofsculpturehasitsadvantages，myboy，andyoushouldbecrowningtheinventorofthesystemwithlaurel，andnotheapingcoalsoffireuponhisbrow。"

"That，"saidBurns，"is，afterall，thesolidtruth，Phidias。Takethebrasscaricaturesofme，forinstance。Wherewouldtheybenowiftheyhadbeencastinlardinsteadofinbronze？"

Phidiaswassilentamoment。

"Well，"hesaid，finally，asthevalueoftheplandawneduponhismind，"fromthatpointofviewIdon’tknowbutwhatyouareright，afterall；and，toshowthatIhavespokeninnovindictivespirit，letmeproposeatoast。Here’stotheButterSculptors。Maytheirbutternevergiveout。"

Thetoastwasdrainedtothedregs，andPhidiaswenthomefeelingalittlebetter。

CHAPTERX：STORY—TELLERS’NIGHT

ItwasStory—tellers’Nightatthehouseboat，andthebesttalkersofHadeswereimpressedintotheservice。DoctorJohnsonwasmadechairmanoftheevening。

"Puthiminthechair，"saidRaleigh。"That’stheonlywaytokeephimfromtellingastoryhimself。Ifhestartsinonatalehe’llmakeitaserialsureasfate，butifyoumakehimthemediumthroughwhichotherstory—tellersareintroducedtotheclubhe’llbefinelyepigrammatic。Hecanbeveryshortandsharpwhenhe’stalkingaboutsomebodyelse。Personalityishisforte。"

"Greatscheme，"saidDiogenes，whowaschairmanoftheentertainmentcommittee。"Thenightsoverherearelong，butifJohnsonstartedonastorythey’dhavetoreachtwicearoundeternityandhalfwaybacktogivehimtimetofinishallhehadtosay。"

"He’snotverywitty，inmyjudgment，"saidCarlyle，whosincehisarrivalintheotherworldhasmanifestedsomejealousyofSolomonandDoctorJohnson。

"That’strueenough，"saidRaleigh；"buthe’sstrong，andhe’sboundtosaysomethingthatwillputtheaudienceinsympathywiththemanthatheintroduces，andthat’shalfthesuccessofaStory—tellers’

Night。I’vetoldstoriesmyself。Ifyouraudiencedoesn’tsympathizewithyouyou’dbebetteroffathomeputtingthebabytobed。"

Andsoithappened。DoctorJohnsonwasmadechairman，andtheeveningcame。TheDoctorwasingreatform。Alistofthestory—

tellershadbeensenthiminadvance，andhewasprepared。TheaudiencewasaboutasselectaoneascanbefoundinHades。Thedoorswerethrownopentothefriendsofthemembers，andthesmoke—

furnacehadbeenfilledwithaverysuperiorqualityofArcadianmixturewhichScotthadbroughtbackfromahaunting—triptothehomeof"TheLittleMinister，"atThrums。

"Friendsandfellow—spooks，"theDoctorbegan，whenallwereseatedonthevisionarycamp—stools——which，bytheway，arefarsuperiortothoseinuseinaworldofrealities，becausetheydonotcreakinthemidstofafinepointdemandingabsolutesilenceforappreciation——"IdonotknowwhyIhavebeenchosentopresideoverthisgatheringofphantoms；itistheprovinceofthepresidingofficeronoccasionsofthissorttosaypleasantthings，whichhedoesnotnecessarilyendorse，aboutthesundrypersonswhoaretodothestory—telling。Now，Isupposeyouallknowmeprettywellbythistime。Ifthereisanybodywhodoesn’t，I’llbegladtohavehimpresentedaftertheformalworkoftheeveningisover，andifI

don’tlikehimI’lltellhimso。YouknowthatifIcanbecounteduponforanyonethingitiscandor，andifIhurtthefeelingsofanyoftheseindividualswhomIintroduceto—night，IwantthemdistinctlytounderstandthatitisnotbecauseIlovethemless，butthatIlovetruthmore。Withthis——ah——blanketapology，asitwere，tocoverallpossibleemergenciesthatmayariseduringtheevening，Iwillbegin。Thefirstspeakerontheprogramme，Iregrettoobserve，ismyfriendGoldsmith。Affairsofthiskindoughttobeginwithasnap，andwhileOliverisamostexcellentwriter，asaspeakerheisapebblelessDemosthenes。IfIhadhadthearrangementoftheprogrammeIshouldhavehadGoldsmithtellhisstorywhiletherestofusweredown—stairsatsupper。However，wemustabidebyourprogramme，whichisunconscionablylong，forotherwisewewillnevergetthroughit。ThoseofyouwhoagreewithmeastothepleasureoflisteningtomyfriendGoldsmithwilldowelltojoinmeinthegrill—roomwhileheisspeaking，where，Iunderstand，thereisaveryfinelineofpunchesreadytobeserved。ModestNoll，willyoukindlyinflictyourselfuponthegathering，andsendmewordwhenyougetthrough，ifyoueverdo，sothatImayreturnandpresentnumbertwototheassembly，whoeverorwhateverhemaybe？"

WiththesewordstheDoctorretired，andpoorGoldsmith，palewithfear，roseuptospeak。ItwasevidentthathewasquiteasdoubtfulofhisabilityasatalkeraswasJohnson。

"I’mnotmuchofatalker，or，assomesay，speaker，"hesaid。

"Talkingisnotmyforte，asDoctorJohnsonhastoldyou，andIamthereforenotmuchatit。Speakingisnotinmyline。Icannotspeakortalk，asitwere，becauseIamnotparticularlyreadyatthemakingofaspeech，duepartlytothefactthatIamnotmuchofatalkeranyhow，andseldomifeverspeak。Iwillthereforenotboreyoubyattemptingtospeak，sinceaspeechbyonewholikemyselfis，asyouarepossiblyaware，notafluentnorindeedinanysenseaneloquentspeaker，isapttobeaboretothosewhowillbekindenoughtolistentomyremarks，butwillreadinsteadthefirstfivechaptersoftheVicarofWakefield。"

"Whosuggestedanysuchnightasthis，anyhow？"growledCarlyle。

"FivechaptersoftheVicarofWakefieldforastarter!Lordsaveus，we’llneedaVicarofSleepfieldifhe’sallowedtodothis!"

"Imoveweadjourn，"saidDarwin。

"Can’tsomethingbedonetokeeptheseyoungermembersquiet？"askedSolomon，frowninguponCarlyleandDarwin。

"Yes，"saidDouglasJerrold。"LetGoldsmithgoon。He’llhavethemasleepintenminutes。"

Meanwhile，Goldsmithwasploddingearnestlythroughhisstint，utterlyandhappilyobliviousoftheeffecthewashavinguponhisaudience。

"Thisisawful，"whisperedWellingtontoBonaparte。

"WorsethanWaterloo，"repliedtheex—Emperor，withagrin；"butwecanstopitinaminute。ArtemasWardtoldmeoncehowacamp—

meetingheattendedintheWestbrokeuptogooutsideandseeadog—

fight。Can’tyouandIpretendtoquarrel？ApersonalassaultbyyouonmewillwakethesepeopleupanddiscombobulateGoldsmith。

Saytheword——onlydon’thittoohard。"

"I’mwithyou，"saidWellington。Whereupon，withagreatshowofheat，heroaredout，"You？Never!I’mmoreafraidofaboywithabean—snapperthatIeverwasofyou!"andfolloweduphisremarkbypullingBonaparte’scamp—chairfromunderhim，andlettingtheconquerorofAusterlitzfalltothefloorwithathudwhichIhavesincehearddescribedasdullandsickening。

Theeffectwasinstantaneous。ComparedtoapersonalencounterbetweenthetwogreatfiguresofWaterloo，areadingfromhisownworksbyGoldsmithseemedlackingintheelementsessentialtotheholdingofanaudience。Consequently，attentionwascentredinthebelligerentwarriors，and，bysomeoddmistake，whenapeace—lovingmemberoftheassemblage，realizingtheindecorousnessoftheincident，criedout，"Puthimout!puthimout!"theattendantsrushedin，and，takingpoorGoldsmithbyhiscollar，hustledhimoutthroughthedoor，acrossthedeck，andtossedhimashorewithoutreferencetothegang—plank。Thisaccomplished，apersonalexplanationoftheircoursewasmadebythequarrellinggenerals，and，peacehavingbeenrestored，acommitteewassentinsearchofGoldsmithwithsuitableapologies。Thegoodandkindlysoulreturned，buthavinglosthisbookinthemelee，muchtohisowngratification，aswellastothatoftheaudience，hewaspermittedtorestinquietthebalanceoftheevening。

"Ishethrough？"saidJohnson，pokinghisheadinatthedoorwhenorderwasrestored。

"Yes，sir，"saidBoswell；"thatistosay，hehasretiredpermanentlyfromthefield。Hedidn’tfinish，though。"

"Fellow—spooks，"beganJohnsononcemore，"nowthatyouhavebeendelightedwiththehoneyedeloquenceofthelastspeaker，itismyprivilegetopresenttoyouthateminentfabulistBaronMunchausen，thegreatestunrealistofalltime，whowillgiveyouanexhibitionofhisparadoxicalpoweroflyingwhilestanding。"

TheapplausewhichgreetedtheBaronwasdeafening。Hewas，beyondalldoubt，oneofthemostpopularmembersoftheclub。

"Speakingofwhales，"saidhe，leaninggracefullyagainstthetable。

"Nobodyhasmentioned’em，"saidJohnson。

"True，"retortedtheBaron；"butyoualwayssuggestthembyyourapparentlyunquenchablethirstforspouting——speakingofwhales，myfriendJonah，aswellastherestofyou，maybeinterestedtoknowthatIoncehadanexperiencesimilartohisown，and，strangetosay，withtheidenticalwhale。"

Jonaharosefromhisseatinthebackoftheroom。"Idonotwishtobeunpleasant，"hesaid，withastrongefforttobecalm，"butIwishtoaskifJudgeBlackstoneisintheroom。"

"Iam，"saidtheJudge，rising。"WhatcanIdoforyou？"

"IdesiretoapplyforaninjunctionrestrainingtheBaronfromusingmywhaleinhisstory。Thatwhale，yourhonor，iscopyrighted，"saidJonah。"IfIhadanyotherclaimtotheaffectionofmankindthantheonewhichisbasedonmyexperiencewiththatleviathan，IwouldwillinglypermittheBarontointroducehimintohisstory；butthatwhale，yourhonor，ismystockintrade——heismyall。"

"IthinkJonah’spointiswelltaken，"saidBlackstone，turningtotheBaron。"Itwouldbeadistincthardship，Ithink，iftheplaintiffinthisactionweretobedeprivedoftheexclusiveuseofhissoleaccessory。Theinjunctionprayedforisthereforegranted。

Thecourtwouldsuggest，however，thattheBaroncontinuewithhisstory，usinganotherwhaleforthepurpose。"

"Itisimpossible，"saidMunchausen，gloomily。"ThewholepointofthestorydependsuponitshavingbeenJonah’swhale。Underthecircumstances，theonlythingIcandoistositdown。IregretthenarrownessofmindexhibitedbymyfriendJonah，butImustrespectthedecisionofthecourt。"

"ImusttakeexceptiontotheBaron’sallusiontomynarrownessofmind，"saidJonah，withsomeshowofheat。"Iamsimplydefendingmyrights，andIintendtocontinuetodosoifthewholeworldunitesinconsideringmymindamereslotscarcelywideenoughfortheinsertionofanickel。Thatwhalewasmydiscovery，andthepersonaldiscomfortIenduredinperfectingmyexperiencewassuchthatI

resolvedtorestmyreputationuponhisbroadproportionsonly——tosinkorswimwithhim——andIcannotatthislatedaypermitanothertocrowdmeoutofhisexclusiveuse。"

Jonahsatdownandfannedhimself，andtheBaron，withalookofdisgustonhisface，lefttheroom。

"Uptohisoldtricks，"hegrowledashewent。"Hequeerseverythinghegoesinto。IfI’dknownhewasamemberofthisclubI’dneverhavejoined。"

"Wedonotappeartobeprogressingveryrapidly，"saidDoctorJohnson，rising。"Sofarwehavemadetwoeffortstohavestoriestold，andhavemetwithdisastereachtime。Idon’tknowbutwhatyouaretobecongratulated，however，onyourescape。Veryfewofyou，Iobserve，haveasyetfallenasleep。Thenextnumberontheprogramme，Isee，isBoswell，whowastohaveentertainedyouwithafewreminiscences；Isaywastohavedoneso，becauseheisnottodoso。"

"I’mready，"saidBoswell，rising。

"Nodoubt，"retortedJohnson，severely，"butIamnot。Youareamanwithonesubject——myself。Iadmitit’sagoodsubject，butyouarenotthemantotreatofit——here。Youmaysufficeformortals，buthereitisdifferent。Icanspeakformyself。YoucangooutandsitonthebanksoftheVitriolReservoirandlecturetotheimpsifyouwantto，butwhenitcomestoreminiscencesofmeI’mondeckmyself，andIflattermyselfIrememberwhatIsaidanddidmoreaccuratelythanyoudo。Therefore，gentlemen，insteadoflisteningtoBoswellatthispoint，youwillkindlyexcusehimandlistentome。Ahem!WhenIwasaboy——"

"Excuseme，"saidSolomon，rising；"abouthowlongisthis——ah——thisentertainingdiscourseofyourstocontinue？"

"UntilIgetthrough，"returnedJohnson，wrathfully。

"Areyouaware，sir，thatIamontheprogramme？"askedSolomon。

"Iam，"saidtheDoctor。"Withthatinmind，forthesakeofourfellow—spookswhoarepresent，Iamverymuchinclinedtokeeponforever。WhenIwasaboy——"

Carlyleroseupatthispoint。

"Ishouldliketoask，"hesaid，mildly，"ifthisissupposedtobeanaudienceofchildren？I，forone，havenowishtolistentothejuvenilestoriesofDoctorJohnson。Furthermore，Ihavecomehereparticularlyto—nighttohearBoswell。IwanttocomparehimwithFroude。Ithereforeprotestagainst——"

"Thereisarooftothishouse—boat，"saidDoctorJohnson。"IfMr。

CarlylewillretiretotheroofwithBoswellIhavenodoubthecanbeaccommodated。AsforSolomon’sinterruption，Icanaffordtopassthatoverwiththesilentcontemptitdeserves，thoughImayaddwithproprietythatIconsiderhismostfamousproverbsthemostabsurdbitsofhack—workIeverencountered；andasforthatstoryaboutdividingababybetweentwomothersbysplittingitintwo，itwasgrosslyinhumanunlessthebabywastwins。WhenIwasaboy——"

AstheDoctorproceeded，CarlyleandSolomon，accompaniedbythenowangryBoswell，lefttheroom，andmyaccountoftheStory—tellers’

Nightmustperforcestop；because，thoughIhaveneverheretoforeconfessedit，allmyinformationconcerningthehouse—boatontheStyxhasbeenderivedfromthememorandaofBoswell。Itmaybeinterestingtothereadertolearn，however，that，accordingtoBoswell’saccount，theStory—tellers’Nightwasneverfinished；butwhetherthismeansthatitbrokeupimmediatelyafterwardsinariot，orthatDoctorJohnsonisstillatworkdetailinghisreminiscences，Iamnotaware，andIcannotatthemomentofwritingascertain，forBoswell，whenIhavethepleasureofmeetinghim，invariablyavoidsthesubject。

CHAPTERXI：ASTOSAURIANSANDOTHERS

ItwasNoahwhospoke。

"I’mglad，"hesaid，"thatwhenIembarkedatthetimeoftheheavyrainsthatdidsomuchdamageintheolddays，thereweren’tanydogslikethatfellowCerberusabout。IfI’dhadtofeedalotofthree—

headedbeastslikehimtheArkwouldhaverunshortofprovisionsinsideoftendays。"

"That’sverylikelytrue，"observedMr。Barnum；"butImustconfess，mydearNoah，thatyoushowedalamentablelackoftheshowman’sinstinctwhenyouselectedtheanimalsyoudid。Amorecommonplacelotofbeastswerenevergatheredtogether，andwhileAdamisheldresponsiblefortheintroductionofsinintotheworld，Iattributemostofmyoffencestononeotherthanyourself。"

Themembersoftheclubdrewtheirchairsalittlecloser。Theconversationhadopenedatriflespicily，and，furthermore，theyhadretainedenoughoftheirmortalitytobeinterestedinanimalstories。Adam，whohadmanagedtosettlehisbackduesanddelinquenthouse—charges，andoncemoreacquiredtheprivilegesoftheclub，noddedhisheadgratefullyatMr。Barnum。

"I’mgladtofindsomeone，"saidhe，"whoplacestheresponsibilityfortroublewhereitbelongs。I’mround—shoulderedwiththeblameI’vehadtobear。Ididn’tinventsinanymorethanIinventedthetelephone，andIthinkit’sratherroughonafellowwholivedaquiet，retiring，pastorallife，mindinghisownbusinessandstayinghomenights，tobehelduptopublicreprobationforaslongatimeasIhave。"

"It’llbeallrightintime，"saidRaleigh；"justwait——bepatient，andyourvindicationwillcome。NobodythoughtmuchoftheplaysBaconandIwroteforShakespeareuntilShakespeare’dbeendeadacentury。"

"Humph!"saidAdam，gloomily。"Wait!WhathaveIbeendoingallthistime？I’vewaitedallthetimethere’sbeensofar，anduntilMr。BarnumspokeashedidIhaven’tobservedtheslightestinclinationonthepartofanybodytorehabilitatemylostreputation。NordoIseeexactlyhowit’stocomeaboutevenifIdowait。"

"Youmightapplyforaninvestigatingcommitteetolookintothecharges，"suggestedanAmericanpolitician，justover。"Getyourfriendsonit，andyou’llbeallright。"

"Betterletsleepingdogslie，"saidBlackstone。

"Iintendto，"saidAdam。"Thefactis，Ihatetogiveanyfurtherpublicitytothematter。EvenifIdidbringthecaseintocourtandsueforlibel，I’veonlygotonewitnesstoprovemyinnocence，andthat’smywife。I’mnotgoingtodragherintoit。She’sgotnervousprostrationoverherpositionasitis，andthiswouldmakeitworse。QueenElizabethandtherestofthesesnobsinsocietywon’tinvitehertoanyoftheirfunctionsbecausetheysayshehadn’tanygrandfather；andevenifshewerereceivedbythem，she’dbeuncomfortablegoingabout。Itisn’tpleasantforawomantofeelthateveryoneknowsshe’stheoldestwomanintheroom。"

"Well，takemywordforit，"saidRaleigh，kindly。"It’llallcomeoutallright。Youknowtheoldsaying，’Historyrepeatsitself。’

SomedayyouwillbelivingbackinEdenagain，andifyouareonlycarefultomakeanexactrecordofallyoudo，andhaveanotarypresent，beforewhomyoucanmakeanaffidavitastothefacts，youwillbeabletodemonstrateyourinnocence。"

"Iwasonlycondemnedonhearsayevidence，anyhow，"saidAdam，ruefully。

"Nonsense；youwerecaughtred—handed，"saidNoah；"mygrandfathertoldmeso。AndnowthatI’vegotachancetoslipinawordedgewise，I’dlikemightilytohaveyouexplainyourstatement，Mr。

Barnum，thatIamresponsibleforyourerrors。Thatisaseriouschargetobringagainstamanofmyreputation。"

"Imeansimplythis：thattomakeashowinteresting，"saidMr。

Barnum，"amanhasgottoprovideinterestingmaterials，that’sall。

Idonotmeantosayawordthatisinanywayderogatorytoyourmorality。Youwereasurprisinglygoodmanforasea—captain，andwiththeexceptionofthatoneoccasionwhenyou——ah——youallowedyourselftobestrandedonthebar，ifImaysoputit，Iknowofnothingtobesaidagainstyouasamoral，temperateperson。"

"Thatwasonlyanaccident，"saidNoah，reddening。"Youcan’texpectamansixhundredoddyearsofage——"

"Certainlynot，"saidRaleigh，soothingly，"andnobodythinkslessofyouforit。Consideringhowyoumusthavehatedthesightofwater，thewonderofitisthatitdidn’tbecomeafixedhabit。LetushearwhatitisthatMr。Barnumdoescriticiseinyou。"

"Histaste，that’sall，"saidMr。Barnum。"Icontendthat，comparedtotheanimalshemighthavehad，theoneshedidhavewereasant—

hillstoAlps。ThereweremoremagnificentzoosallowedtodieoutthroughNoah’slackofjudgmentthanonelikestothinkof。TaketheProterosaurus，forinstance。Whereonearthdowefindhisequalto—

day？"

"Yououghttobemightygladyoucan’tfindonelikehim，"putinAdam。"Ifyou’dspentaweekintheGardenofEdenwithme，withlizardseightfeetlongdroppingoutofthetreesontoyourlapwhileyouweretryingtotakeaSunday—afternoonnap，you’dbewillingtodispensewiththingsofthatsortforthebalanceofyournaturallife。Ifyouwanttogetanideaofthatexperienceletsomebodydropacalfonyousomeafternoon。"

"Iamnotsayinganythingaboutthat，"returnedBarnum。"Itwouldbeunpleasanttohaveanelephantdropononeafterthefashionofwhichyouspeak，butIamgladtheelephantwassavedjustthesame。I

haven’tadvocatedtheProterosaurusasaSunday—afternoonsurprise，butasanattractionforashow。Istillmaintainthatalizardasbigasacowwouldprovealodestone，thedrawingpowersofwhichthepocket—moneyofthesmallboywouldbeutterlyunabletoresist。

ThentherewastheIguanadon。He’dhavebroughtafortunetothebox—office——"

"Whichyou’dhaveimmediatelylost，"retortedNoah，"payingrent。

Whenyougetareptileofhissize，thatreachesthirtyfeetupintotheairwhenhestandsonhishind—legs，theordinarycircuswagonofcommercecan’tbemadetoholdhim，andyourmenagerie—roomhastohaveceilingssohighthateverypennyhebroughttothebox—officewouldbespentstoringhim。"

"Mischievous，too，"saidAdam，"thatIguanadon。Youcouldn’tkeepanythingoutofhisreach。Weusedtoforbidanimalsofhiskindtoenterthegarden，butthatdidn’tbotherhim；he’dstanduponhishind—legsandreachoverandstealanythinghe’dhappentowant。"

"Icouldhaveusedhimforafire—escape，"saidMr。Barnum；"andasformyinabilitytoprovidehimwithquarters，I’dhavemetthatproblemafterashortwhile。I’vealwayslamentedtheabsence，too，oftheMegalosaurus——"

"Whichsimplyshowshowignorantyouare，"retortedNoah。"Why，mydearfellow，itwouldhavetakenthewholeofanordinaryzoosuchasyourstogivetheMegalosaurusalunch。Thosefellowswouldeatarhinocerosaseasilyasyou’dcrackapeanut。IdidhaveacoupleofMegalosauriansonmyboatforjusttwenty—fourhours，andthenI

chuckedthembothoverboard。IfI’dkeptthemtendayslongerthey’dhaveeateneveryblessedbeastIhadwithme，andyourZoowouldn’thavehadanythingelsebutMegalosaurians。"

"Papaisrightaboutthat，Mr。Barnum，"saidShem。"ThewholeSauriantribewasafearfulnuisance。AboutfourhundredyearsbeforethefloodIhadapetCreosaurusthatIkeptinourbarn。Hewasacunninglittledevil——fulloftricks，andallthat；butwenevercouldkeepacoworahorseontheplacewhilehewasabout。

They’dmysteriouslydisappear，andweneverknewwhatbecameof’emuntilonemorningwesurprisedFidoin——"

"Surprisedwho？"askedDoctorJohnson，scornfully。

"Fido，"returnedShem。"’ThatwasmyCreosaurus’sname。"

"Lordsaveus!Fido!"criedJohnson。"WhatanameforaCreosaurus!"

"Well，whatofit？"askedShem，angrily。"Youwouldn’thaveuscallamastodonlikethatFanny，wouldyou，orTatters？"

"Goon，"saidJohnson；"I’venothingtosay。"

"ShallIsendforaphysician？"putinBoswell，lookinganxiouslyathischief，thesituationwassoextraordinary。

SolomonandCarlylegiggled；andtheDoctorhavingpolitelyrequestedBoswelltogotoawarmersectionofthecountry，Shemresumed。

"IcaughthimintheactofswallowingfivecowsandHam’sfavoritetrotter，sulkyandall。"

BaronMunchausenroseupandlefttheroom。

"Ifthey’regoingtolieI’mgoingtogetout，"hesaid，ashepassedthroughtheroom。

"WhatbecameofFido？"askedBoswell。

"Thesulkykilledhim，"returnedShem，innocently。"Hecouldn’tdigestthewheels。"

Noahlookedapprovinglyathisson，and，turningtoBarnum，observed，quietly：

"Whathesaysistrue，andIwillgofurtherandsaythatitismybeliefthatyouwouldhavefoundtheshowbusinessimpossibleifI

hadtakenthatsortofcreatureaboard。You’dhavegotmightilydiscouragedafteryourAntediluvianshadchewedupafewdozensteamcalliopes，andeateneveryotherable—bodiedexhibityouhadmanagedtosecure。I’dhavetriedtosaveacoupleofDiscosauriansifI

hadn’tsupposedtheywereabletotakecareofthemselves。A

combinationofsea—serpentanddragon，withanecktwenty—twofeetlong，itseemedtome，oughttohavebeenabletorideoutanystormorfallofrain；butthereIwaswrong，andIamfreetoadmitmyerror。Itneveroccurredtomethatthesea—serpentswereinanydanger，soIletthemalone，withtheresultthatIneversawbutoneother，andhewasonlyanillusionduetothatunhappyuseofstimulantstowhich，withshockingbadtaste，youhavechosentorefer。"

"Ididn’tmeantocallupunpleasantmemories，"saidBarnum。"I

neverbelievedyougothalf—seasover，anyhow；but，toreturntoourmuttons，whydidn’tyouhanddownafewvarietiesoftheTheriumfamilytoposterity？ThereweretheDinotheriumandtheMegatherium，eitheroneofwhichwouldhaveknockedspotsoutofanyleopardthateverwasmade，andalongsideofwhichevenmywoollyhorsewouldhavepaledintoinsignificance。That’swhatIcan’tunderstandinyourselections；withMegatheriumstoburn，whysaveleopardsandpanthersandothersuchevery—daycreatures？"

"WhatkindofaboatdoyousupposeIhad？"criedNoah。"Doyouimagineforamomentthatshewasfourmilesonthewater—line，withamileandthree—quartersbeam？IfI’dhadapairofDinotheriumsinthesternofthatArk，she’dhavetippedupforeandaft，untilshe’dhavelookedlikeatelegraph—poleinthewater，andifI’dput’emamidshipsthey’dhavehadtobewedgedinsotightlytheycouldn’tmovetokeepthevesseltrim。Ididn’tgotosea，myfriend，forthepurposeofbeingtippedoverinmid—oceaneverytimeoneofmycargowantedtoshifthisweightfromonelegtotheother。"

"Itwasbadenoughwiththeelephants，wasn’tit，papa？"saidShem。

"Yes，indeed，myson，"returnedthepatriarch。"Itwasbadenoughwiththeelephants。Wehadtoshiftourballasthalfadozentimesadaytokeeptheboatfromtravellingonherbeamends，theelephantsmovedaboutsomuch；andwhenwecametothequestionofprovender，ittookupaboutnine—tenthsofourholdtostorehayandpeanutsenoughtokeepthemaliveandgood—tempered。Onthewhole，Ithinkit’sratherlateintheday，consideringthetroubleItooktosaveanythingbutmyselfandmyfamily，tobecriticisedasInowam。Yououghttobemuchobligedtomeforsavinganyanimalsatall。Mostpeopleinmypositionwouldhavebuiltayachtforthemselvesandfamily，andleteverythingelseslide。"

"Thatisquitetrue，"observedRaleigh，withapacificatorynodatNoah。"Youwereeminentlyunselfish，andwhile，withMr。Barnum，I

exceedinglyregretthattheSauriansandTheriiandothertribeswereleftonthepierwhenyousailed，Ineverthelessthinkthatyoushowedmostexcellentjudgmentatthetime。"

"Hewastheonlymanwhohadanyatall，forthatmatter，"suggestedShem，"anditrequiredallhiscouragetoshowit。Everybodywasguyinghim。Sinnersstoodaroundtheyardalldayandeveryday，criticisingthemodel；onescofferpretendedhethoughtheracanal—

boat，andaskedhowdeepthefloodwaslikelytobeonthetow—path，andwhetherweintendedtousemulesinshallowwaterandgiraffesindeep；anotheraskedwhattimeallowanceweexpectedtogetinafifteen—milerun，andhintedthatayearandtwomonthspermilestruckhimasbeingtheproperthing——"

"Itwasfarfrompleasant，"saidNoah，tappinghisfingerstogetherreflectively。"Idon’twanttogothroughitagain，andif，asRaleighsuggests，historyislikelytorepeatherself，I’llsubletthecontracttoBarnumhere，andlethimgetthechaff。"

"Itwasallrightintheend，though，dad，"saidShem。"Wehadthegreatlaughon’hoipolloi’theseconddayout。"

"Wedid，indeed，"saidNoah。"Whenwetold’emweonlycarriedfirst—classpassengersandhadnoroomforemigrants，theybegantoseethattheArkwasn’tsuchanoldtub，afterall；andagoodninetypercent。ofthemwouldhavegiventendollarsforalittleofthattimeallowancethey’dbeentalkingtousaboutforseveralcenturies。"

Noahlapsedintoamusingsilence，andBarnumrosetoleave。

"Istillwishyou’dsavedaDiscosaurus，"hesaid。"Acreaturewithanecktwenty—twofeetlongwouldhavebeenagoldminetome。Hecouldhavebeentrainedtostandinthering，andbystretchingouthisneckbitethelittleboyswhosneakinunderthetentandoccupyseatsonthetoprow。"

"Well，foryoursake，"saidNoah，withasmile，"I’mverysorry；butformyown，I’mquitesatisfiedwiththegeneralresults。"

Andtheyallagreedthatthepatriarchhadeveryreasontobepleasedwithhimself。

CHAPTERXII：THEHOUSE—BOATDISAPPEARS

QueenElizabeth，attendedbyOpheliaandXanthippe，waswalkingalongtheriver—bank。Itwasabeautifulautumnday，although，owingtocertainclimaticpeculiaritiesofHades，itseemedmorelikemidsummer。Themercuryintheclubthermometerwasnervouslyclickingagainstthetopofthecrystaltube，andpoorCerberuswashavingallhecoulddowithhisthreemouthssnappingupthepestiferouslittleshadesofby—gonegnatsthatseemedtotakeanalmostunholypleasureinalightinguponhisvariousnosesandears。

Opheliawasdoingmostofthetalking。

"IamsureIhaveneverwishedtorideoneofthem，"shesaid，positively。"Inthefirstplace，Idonotseewherethepleasureofitcomesin，and，inthesecond，itseemstomeasifskirtsmustbedangerous。Iftheyshouldcatchinoneofthepedals，wherewouldI

be？"

"Inthehospitalshortly，methinks，"saidQueenElizabeth。

"Well，Ishouldn’twearskirts，"snappedXanthippe。"Ifaman’swifecan’tborrowsomeofherhusband’sclothingtoreduceherperiltoaminimum，whatistheuseofhavingahusband？WhenItaketothebicycle，which，inspiteofallSocratescansay，Ifullyintendtodo，Ishallhaveaman’swheel，andIshallwearSocrates’olddress—

clothes。IfHadesdoesn’tlikeit，Hadesmaysuffer。"

"Idon’tseehowSocrates’clotheswillhelpyou，"observedOphelia。

"Heworeskirtshimself，justlikealltheotheroldGreeks。Histogawouldbequiteasapttocatchinthegearasyourskirts。"

Xanthippelookedpuzzledforamoment。ItwasevidentthatshehadnotthoughtofthepointwhichOpheliahadbroughtup——strong—mindedladiesofherkindareaptsometimestooverlookimportantlinksinsuchchainsofevidenceastheyfeelcalledupontouseinbindingthemselvestotheirrights。

"Thewomenofyourdaywererelievedofthatdressproblem，atanyrate，"laughedQueenElizabeth。

"Thewomenofmyday，"retortedXanthippe，"inmattersofdressweretheequalsoftheirhusbands——inmyfamilyparticularly；nowtheyhavelosttheirrights，andaremadetoconfinethemselvesstilltogarmentslikethoseofyore，whilemanhasarrogatedtohimselfthesoleandexclusiveuseofsanehabiliments。However，thatisapartfromthequestion。IwassayingthatIshallhaveaman’swheel，andshallwearSocrates’olddress—clothestorideitin，ifSocrateshastogooutandbuyanolddress—suitforthepurpose。"

TheQueenarchedherbrowsandlookedinquiringlyatXanthippeforamoment。

"Amagnificentoldmaidwaslosttotheworldwhenyoumarried，"shesaid。"Feelingasyoudoaboutmen，mydearXanthippe，Idon’tseewhyyouevertookahusband。"

"Humph!"retortedXanthippe。"Ofcourseyoudon’t。Youdidn’tneedahusband。Youwerebornwithsomethingtogovern。Iwasn’t。"

"Howaboutyourtemper？"suggestedOphelia，meekly。

Xanthippesniffedfrigidlyatthisremark。

"InevershouldhavegonecrazyoveramanifI’dremainedunmarriedfortythousandyears，"sheretorted，severely。"ImarriedSocratesbecauseIlovedhimandadmiredhissculpture；butwhenhegaveupsculptureandbecameathinkerhesimplytriedmebeyondallendurance，hewassothoughtless，withtheresultthat，havingventuredonceortwicetoshowmynaturalresentment，Ihavebeenhandeddowntoposterityasashrew。I’venevercomplained，andI

don’tcomplainnow；butwhenawomanismarriedtoaphilosopherwhoissotakenupwithhisstudiesthatwhenherisesinthemorninghedoesn’tlookwhatheisdoing，andgoesofftohisbusinessinhiswife’sclothes，Ithinksheisentitledtoacertainamountofsympathy。"

"Andyetyouwishtowearhis，"persistedOphelia。

"Turnaboutisfair—play，"saidXanthippe。"I’vesufferedsomuchonhisaccountthatontheprincipleofaverageshedeservestohavealittledropofbittersinhisnectar。"

"Youaresimplythevictimofman’sdeceit，"saidElizabeth，wishingtomollifythenowangryXanthippe，whowasonthevergeoftears。

"Iunderstoodmen，fortunately，andsonevermarried。Iknewmyfather，andevenifIhadn’tbeenawiseenoughchildtoknowhim，I

shouldnothavewed，becausehemarriedenoughtolastonefamilyforseveralyears。"

"Youmusthavehadahardtimerefusingallthoselovelymen，though，"sighedOphelia。"Ofcourse，SirWalterwasn’tashandsomeasmydearHamlet，buthewasveryfetching。"

"Icannotdenythat，"saidElizabeth，"andIdidn’treallyhavethehearttosaynowhenheaskedme；butIdidtellhimthatifhemarriedmeIshouldnotbecomeMrs。Raleigh，butthatheshouldbecomeKingElizabeth。HefledtoVirginiaonthenextsteamer。Mydiplomacyridmeofaveryunpleasantduty。"

Chattingthus，thethreefamousspiritspassedslowlyalongthepathuntiltheycametotheshelterednookinwhichthehouse—boatlayatanchor。

"There’sacaseinpoint，"saidXanthippe，asthehouse—boatloomedupbeforethem。"Allthatluxuryisformen；wewomenarenotpermittedtocrossthegangplank。Ourhusbandsandbrothersandfriendsgothere；thedoorclosesonthem，andtheyareascompletelylosttousasthoughtheyneverexisted。Wedon’tknowwhatgoesoninthere。Socratestellsmethattheiramusementsareofamostinnocentnature，buthowdoIknowwhathemeansbythat？

Furthermore，itkeepshimfromhome，whileIhavetostayathomeandbeentertainedbymysons，whomtheEncyclopaediaBritannicarightlycallsdullandfatuous。Inotherwords，clublifeforhim，anddulnessandfatuityforme。"

"Ithinkmyselfthey’reratherqueeraboutlettingwomenintothatboat，"saidQueenElizabeth。"Butitisn’tSirWalter’sfault。HetoldmehetriedtohavethemestablishaLadies’Day，andthattheyagreedtodoso，buthavesinceresistedallhiseffortstohaveadatesetforthefunction。"

"Itwouldbegreatfuntostealintherenow，wouldn’tit，"giggledOphelia。"Theredoesn’tseemtobeanybodyabouttopreventourdoingso。"

"That’strue，"saidXanthippe。"Allthewindowsareclosed，asiftherewasn’tasoulthere。I’vehalfamindtotakeapeepinatthehouse。"

"Iamwithyou，"saidElizabeth，herfacelightingupwithpleasure。

Itwasagreatnovelty，andanunpleasantonetoher，tofindsomeplacewhereshecouldnotgo。"Let’sdoit，"sheadded。

Sothethreewomentiptoedsoftlyupthegang—plank，and，silentlyboardingthehouse—boat，peepedinatthewindows。Whattheysawmerelywhettedtheircuriosity。

"Imustseemore，"criedElizabeth，rushingaroundtothedoor，whichopenedathertouch。XanthippeandOpheliafollowedcloseonherheels，andshortlytheyfoundthemselves，open—mouthedinwonderingadmiration，inthebilliard—roomofthefloatingpalace，andRichard，theghostofthebestbilliard—roomattendantinoroutofHades，stoodbeforethem。

"Excuseme，"hesaid，verymuchupsetbythesuddenapparitionoftheladies。"I’mverysorry，butladiesarenotadmittedhere。"

"Weareequallysorry，"retortedElizabeth，assuminghermostimperiousmanner，"thatyourmastershaveseenfittoprohibitourbeinghere；but，nowthatwearehere，weintendtomakethemostoftheopportunity，particularlyasthereseemtobenomembersabout。

Whathasbecomeofthemall？"

Richardsmiledbroadly。"Idon’tknowwheretheyare，"hereplied；

butitwasevidentthathewasnottellingtheexacttruth。

"Oh，come，myboy，"saidtheQueen，kindly，"youdoknow。SirWaltertoldmeyoukneweverything。Wherearethey？"

"Well，ifyoumustknow，ma’am，"returnedRichard，captivatedbytheQueen’smanner，"they’veallgonedowntherivertoseeaprize—fightbetweenGoliathandSamson。"

"Seethere!"criedXanthippe。"That’swhatthisclubmakespossible。

SocratestoldmehewascomingheretotakeluncheonwithCarlyle，andthey’vebothof’emgoneofftoadisgustingprize—fight!"

"Yes，ma’am，theyhave，"saidRichard；"andifGoliathwins，Idon’tthinkMr。Socrateswillgethomethisevening。"

"Betting，eh？"saidXanthippe，scornfully。

"Yes，ma’am，"returnedRichard。

"Moreclub!"criedXanthippe。

"Ohno，ma’am，"saidRichard。"Bettingisnotallowedintheclub；

they’reverystrictaboutthat。Buttheshoreisonlytenfeetoff，ma’am，andthegentlemenalwaysgoashoreandmaketheirbets。"

DuringthislittlecolloquyElizabethandOpheliawerewanderingabout，admiringeverythingtheysaw。

"IdowishLucretiaBorgiaandCalpurniacouldseethis。IwonderiftheCaesarsareonthetelephone，"Elizabethsaid。InvestigationshowedthatboththeBorgiasandtheCaesarswereonthewire，andinshortorderthetwoladieshadbeenmadeacquaintedwiththestateofaffairsatthehouse—boat；andastheywerebothquiteasanxioustoseetheinteriorofthemuch—talked—ofclub—houseastheothers，theywerenotlonginarriving。Furthermore，theybroughtwiththemhalfadozenmoreladies，amongwhomwereDesdemonaandCleopatra，andthenbeganthemostextraordinarysessionthehouse—boateverknew。

Ameetingwascalled，withElizabethinthechair，andallthebestladiesoftheStygianrealmswereelectedmembers。Xanthippe，amidthegreatestapplause，movedthateverymalememberoftheorganizationbeexpelledforconductunworthyofagentlemaninattendingaprize—fight，andencouragingtwosuchhorriblecreaturesasGoliathandSamsonintheirnefariouspursuits。Desdemonasecondedthemotion，anditwascarriedwithoutadissentingvoice，althoughMrs。Caesar，withbecomingdignity，merelysmiledapproval，notcaringtotakeparttooactivelyintheproceedings。

Themenhavingthusbeendisposedofinasummaryfashion，RichardwaselectedJanitorinCharon’splace，andtheclubwasentirelyreorganized，withCleopatraaspermanentPresident。Themeetingthenadjourned，andtheinvaderssetaboutenjoyingtheirnewlyacquiredprivileges。Thesmoking—roomwasthrongedforafewmoments，butowingtotheextraordinarystrengthofthetobaccowhichthefaithfulRichardshovelledintothefurnace，itdevelopednoenduringpopularity，Xanthippe，withasuddenlyacquiredpallor，beingthefirsttorenouncethepastimeasrevolting。

Sofastandfuriouswastheenjoymentofthesethirstysouls，solongdeprivedoftheirrights，thatnightcameonwithouttheirobservingit，andwiththenightwasbroughtthegreatperilintowhichtheywerethrown，andfromwhichatthemomentofwritingtheyhadnotbeenextricated，andwhich，tomyregret，hascutmeoffforthepresentfromanyfurtherinformationconnectedwiththeAssociatedShadesandtheirbeautifullounging—place。HadtheynotbeensointentupontheinnerbeautiesoftheHouse—boatontheStyxtheymighthaveobservedapproaching，undertheshadowofthewesterlyshore，along，rakishcraftpropelledbyoars，whichdippedsoftlyandsilentlyandwithtrainedprecisioninthenowjet—blackwatersoftheStyx。Manningtheoarswereadozenevil—visagedruffians，whileinthesternoftheapproachingvesseltheresatagrim—faced，weather—beatenspirit，armedtotheteeth，hiscoatsleevesbearingtheskullandcross—bones，theinsigniaofpiracy。

Thisboat，stealinguptheriverlikeathiefinthenight，containedCaptainKiddandhispiratecrew，andtheirmissionwasamissionofvengeance。Toputthematterbrieflyandplainly，CaptainKiddwassmartingundertheindignitywhichtheclubhadrecentlyputuponhim。Hehadbeenunanimouslyblackballed，evenhisproposerandseconder，whohadbeenbrowbeatenintonominatinghimformembership，votingagainsthim。

"Imaybeapirate，"hecried，whenheheardwhattheclubhaddone，"butIhavefeelings，andtheAssociatedShadeswillrepenttheiraction。Thetimewillcomewhenthey’llfindthatIhavetheirclub—

house，andtheyhave——itsdebts。"

Itwasforthispurposethatthegreatterroroftheseashadcomeuponthis，thefirstfavorableopportunity。Kiddknewthatthehouse—boatwasunguarded；hisspieshadtoldhimthatthemembershadeveryonegonetothefight，andheresolvedthatthetimehadcometoact。HedidnotknowthattheFateshadhelpedtomakehisvengeanceallthemoreterribleandwitheringbyputtingthemostattractiveandfashionableladiesoftheStygiancountrylikewiseinhispower；butsoitwas，andthey，poorsouls，whilethisfiend，relentlessandcruel，wasslowlyapproaching，sangonanddancedoninblissfulunconsciousnessoftheirperil。

Inlessthanfiveminutesfromthetimewhenhissinister—craftroundedthebendKiddandhiscrewhadboardedthehouse—boat，cutherloosefromhermoorings，andintenminutesshehadsailedawayintothegreatunknown，andwithherwentsomeofthemostpreciousgemsinthesocialdiademofHades。

Therestofmystoryissoontold。Thewholecountrywasarousedwhenthecrimewasdiscovered，butuptothedateofthisnarrativenowordhasbeenreceivedofthemissingcraftandherpreciouscargo。RaleighandCaesarhavehadtheseasscouredinsearchofher，Hamlethasofferedhiskingdomforherreturn，butunavailingly；

andthemenofHadeswerecastintoagloomfromwhichthereseemstobenorelief。

Socratesalonewasunaffected。

"They’llcomebacksomeday，mydearRaleigh，"hesaid，astheknightburiedhisface，weeping，inhishands。"Sowhyrepine？I’llneverlosemyXanthippe——permanently，thatis。Iknowthat，forIamaphilosopher，andIknowthereisnosuchthingasluck。Andwecanstartanotherclub。"

"Verylikely，"sighedRaleigh，wipinghiseyes。"Idon’tmindtheclubsomuch，buttothinkofthosepoorwomen——"

"Oh，they’reallright，"returnedSocrates，withalaugh。"Caesar’swifeisalong，andyoucan’tdisputethefactthatshe’sagoodchaperon。Givetheladiesachance。They’vebeenafterourclubforyears；nowlet’emhaveit，andletushopethattheylikeit。Ordermeupahemlocksour，andlet’sdrinktotheirenjoymentofclublife。"

Whichwasdone，andI，inspirit，drankwiththem，forIsincerelyhopethatthe"NewWomen"ofHadesarehavingagoodtime。