第2章

"Droppingone’sbiographerisn’twithoutprecedent。AssoonasanymanevergottoknowNapoleonwellenoughtowritehimuphesenthimtothefront，wherehecouldgetalittleleadinhissystem。"

"IwishIhadhadaBoswellallthesame，"saidShakespeare。"Thentheworldwouldhaveknownthetruthaboutme。"

"Itwouldn’tifhe’dreliedonyourwordforit，"retortedtheDoctor。"Hullo!here’sHamlet。"

AstheDoctorspoke，inverytruththemelancholyDaneappearedinthedoorway，moremelancholyofaspectthanever。

"What’sthematterwithyou？"askedCicero，addressingthenew—comer。

"Haven’tyougotthatpoisonoutofyoursystemyet？"

"Notentirely，"saidHamlet，withasigh；"butitisn’tthatthat’sbotheringme。It’sFate。"

"We’llgetoutaninjunctionagainstFateifyoulike，"saidBlackstone。"Isitpersecution，orhaveyoudeservedit？"

"Ithinkit’spersecution，"saidHamlet。"IneverwrongedFateinmylife，andwhysheshouldpursuemelikeademonthroughalleternityisathingIcan’tunderstand。"

"MaybeOpheliaisbackofit，"suggestedDoctorJohnson。"Thesewomenhaveagreatdealofsympathyforeachother，and，candidly，I

thinkyoubehavedprettyrudelytoOphelia。It’sapoorwaytoshowyourloveforayoungwoman，runningaswordthroughherfathereverynightforpay，anddrivingthegirltosuicidewithequalfrequency，justtoshowtheatre—goerswhatasmartlittleDaneyoucanbeifyoutry。"

"’Tisn’tmedoesallthat，"returnedHamlet。"Ionlydiditonce，andeventhenitwasn’tasbadasShakespearemadeitouttobe。"

"Iputitdownjustasitwas，"saidShakespeare，hotly，"andyoucan’tdisputeit。"

"Yes，hecan，"saidYorick。"YoumadehimtellHoratioheknewmewell，andhenevermetmeinhislife。"

"InevertoldHoratioanythingofthesort，"saidHamlet。"Ineverenteredthegraveyardeven，andIcanproveanalibi。"

"And，what’smore，hecouldn’thavemadetheremarkthewayShakespearehasit，anyhow，"saidYorick，"andforaverygoodreason。Iwasn’tburiedinthatgraveyard，andHamletandIcanproveanalibifortheskull，too。"

"Itwasagoodplay，justthesame，"saidCicero。

"Very，"putinDoctorJohnson。"Itcuredmeofinsomnia。"

"Well，ifyoudon’ttalkinyoursleep，theplaydidaChristianservicetotheworld，"retortedShakespeare。"But，really，Hamlet，I

thoughtIdidthesquarethingbyyouinthatplay。Imeantto，anyhow；andifithasmadeyouunhappy，I’mhonestlysorry。"

"Spokenlikeaman，"saidYorick。

"Idon’tmindtheplaysomuch，"saidHamlet，"butthewayI’mrepresentedbythesefellowswhoplayitisthethingthatrubsmethewrongway。Why，Ievenhearthatthere’satroupeoutinthewesternpartoftheUnitedStatesthatputsthethingonwiththreeHamlets，twoghosts，andapairofblood—hounds。It’scalledtheUncle—Tom—HamletCombination，andinsteadofmyfallinginlovewithonecrazyOphelia，IammadetowoothreeduskymaniacsnamedTopsyonacanvasice—floe，whiletheblood—houndsbarkbehindthescenes。

Whatsortoftreatmentisthatforamanofroyallineage？"

"It’sprettyrough，"saidNapoleon。"Asthepoetoughttohavesaid，’Oh，Hamlet，Hamlet，whatcrimesarecommittedinthyname!’"

"IfeelasbadlyabouttheplayasHamletdoes，"saidShakespeare，afteramomentofsilentthought。"Idon’tbothermuchaboutthiswildWesternbusiness，though，becauseIthinktheintroductionofthebloodhoundsandtheTopsiesmakesusbothmorepopularinthatregionthanweshouldbeotherwise。WhatIobjecttoisthewaywearetreatedbytheseso—calledfirst—classintellectualactorsinLondonandothergreatcities。I’veseenHamletdonebeforeahighlycultivatedaudience，and，byJove，itmademeblush。"

"Metoo，"sighedHamlet。"Ihaveseenamanwhohadawalkonhimthatsuggestedspring—haltandlocomotorataxiacombinedimpersonatingmygracefulselfinamannerthatdrovemealmostcrazy。I’veheardmy’Tobeornottobe’soliloquyutteredbyafamoustragedianintonesthatwouldmakeagraveyardyawnatmid—

day，andiftherewasanywayinwhichIcouldgetevenwiththatmanI’ddoit。"

"Itseemstome，"saidBlackstone，assumingforthemomentahighlyjudicialmanner——"itseemstomethatShakespeare，havinggotyouintothistrouble，oughttogetyououtofit。"

"Buthow？"saidShakespeare，earnestly。"That’sthepoint。HeavenknowsI’mwillingenough。"

Hamlet’sfacesuddenlybrightenedasthoughilluminatedwithanidea。

ThenhebegantodanceabouttheroomwithanexpressionofgleethatannoyedDoctorJohnsonexceedingly。

"IwishDarwincouldseeyounow，"theDoctorgrowled。"Akodakpictureofyouwouldprovehisargumentsconclusively。"

"Railon，Ophilosopher!"retortedHamlet。"Railon!Imindyourrailingsnot，forIthegermofanideahavegot。"

"Well，goquarantineyourself，"saidtheDoctor。"I’dhatetohaveoneofyourideamicrobesgetholdofme。"

"What’sthescheme？"askedShakespeare。

"YoucanwriteaplayforME!"criedHamlet。"Makeitafarce—

tragedy。Takethemodernplayerforyourhero，andletMEplayHIM。

I’llbaithimthroughfouracts。I’llimitatehiswalk。I’llcultivatehisvoice。We’llhavethefirstactatankact，anddroptheherointothetank。Thesecondactcanbeinasaw—mill，andwecancuthishairoffonabuzz—saw。Thethirdactcanintroduceaspile—driverwithwhichtodrivehishatoverhiseyesandknockhisbrainsdownintohislungs。ThefourthactcanbeatNiagaraFalls，andwe’llsendhimoverthefalls；andforagrandclimaxwecanhavehimguillotinedjustafterhehasswallowedaquartofprussicacidandaspoonfulofpowderedglass。Dothatforme，William，andyouareforgiven。I’llplayitforsixhundrednightsinLondon，fortwoyearsinNewYork，androundupwithaone—nightstandinBoston。"

"Itsoundslikeagoodscheme，"saidShakespeare，meditatively。

"Whatshallwecallit？"

"CallitIrving，"saidEugeneAram，whohadentered。"Itoohavesuffered。"

"AndletmebeHamlet’sunderstudy，"saidCharlestheFirst，earnestly。

"Done!"saidShakespeare，callingforapadandpencil。

AndasthesunroseupontheStyxthenextmorningtheBardofAvonwastobeseenwritingacomicchorustobesungoverthemoribundtragedianbytheshadesofCharles，Aram，andothereminentdeceasedheroesofthestage，withwhichhisnewplayofIrvingwastobebroughttoanappropriateclose。

Thisplayhasnotasyetfounditswayupontheboards，butanyenterprisingmanagerwhodesirestoconsideritmayaddressHamlet，TheHouse—Boat，Hades—on—the—Styx。

Heissuretogetareplybyreturnmail，unlessMephistophelesinterferes，whichisnotunlikely，sinceMephistophelesissaidtohavebeenmuchpleasedwiththemannerinwhichtheeminenttragedianhasputhimbeforetheBritishandAmericanpublic。

CHAPTERV：THEHOUSECOMMITTEEDISCUSSTHEPOETS

"There’sonethingthishouse—boatneeds，"wroteHomerinthecomplaint—bookthatadornedthecentre—tableinthereading—room，"andthatisaPoets’Corner。Therearesmoking—roomsforthosewhosmoke，billiard—roomsforthosewhoplaybilliards，andacard—roomforthosewhoplaycards。Idonotsmoke，Ican’tplaybilliards，andIdonotknowatreyofdiamondsfromasilversalver。AllIcandoiswritepoetry。Whydiscriminateagainstme？ByallmeansletushaveaPoets’Corner，whereamancanbeinspiredinpeace。"

Forfourdaysthisentrylayinthebookapparentlyunnoticed。Onthefifthdaythefollowinglines，signedbySamson，appeared：

"IapproveofHomer’ssuggestion。ThereshouldbeaPoets’Cornerhere。Thentherestofuscouldhavesomecomfort。Whileplayingvingt—et—unwithDiogenesinthecard—roomonFridayeveningapoeticmemberofthisclubwastakenwithamostviolentfancy，anditrequiredthecombinedeffortsofDiogenesandmyself，assistedbythejanitor，toremovethefrenziedandobjectionablememberfromtheroom。Thehabitsomeofourpoetshaveacquiredofgivingwaytotheirinspirationsallovertheclub—houseshouldbestopped，andI

knowofnobetterwaytoaccomplishthisdesirableendthanbytheadoptionofHomer’ssuggestion。ThereforeIsecondthemotion。"

OfcoursethesuggestionoftwomemberssoprominentasHomerandSamsoncouldnotwellheignoredbythehousecommittee，anditreluctantlytookthesubjectinhandatanearlymeeting。

"Ifindhere，"saidDemosthenestothechairman，asthecommitteegathered，"asuggestionfromHomerandSamsonthatthishouse—boatbeprovidedwithaPoets’Corner。IdonotknowthatIapproveofthesuggestionmyself，butinordertobringitbeforethecommitteefordebateIamwillingtomakeamotionthattherequestbegranted。"

"Excuseme，"putinDoctorJohnson，"butwheredoyoufindthatsuggestion？’Here’isnotverydefinite。WhereIS’here’？"

"Inthecomplaint—book，whichIholdinmyhand，"returnedDemosthenes，puttingapebbleinhismouthsothathemightenunciatemoreclearly。

AfrownruffledtheserenityofDoctorJohnson’sbrow。

"Inthecomplaint—book，eh？"hesaid，slowly。"Ithoughthousecommitteeswerenotexpectedtopayanyattentiontocomplaintsincomplaint—books。Ineverheardofitsbeingdonebefore。"

"Well，Ican’tsaythatIhaveeither，"repliedDemosthenes，chewingthoughtfullyonthepebble，"butIsupposecomplaint—booksaretheplacesforcomplaints。Youdon’texpectpeopletowriteserialstoriesordialectpoemsinthem，doyou？"

"Thatisn’tthepoint，asthemansaidtotheassassinwhotriedtostabhimwiththehiltofhisdagger，"retortedDoctorJohnson，withsomeasperity。"Ofcourse，complaint—booksareforthereceptionofcomplaints——nobodydisputesthat。WhatIwanttohavedeterminediswhetheritisnecessaryorproperforthecomplaintstogofurther。"

"Ifancywehavealegalrighttotakethematterup，"saidBlackstone，wearily；"thoughIdon’tknowofanyprecedentforsuchaction。InalltheclubsIhaveknownthehousecommitteeshaveinvariablytakenthegroundthatthecomplaint—bookwasestablishedtoguardthemagainsttheannoyanceofhearingcomplaints。Thisone，however，hasbeenforceduponusbyoursecretary，andinviewoftheageofthecomplainantsIthinkwecannotwelldeclinetogivethemaspecificanswer。Respectforageisderigueuratalltimes，likecleanhands。I’llsecondthemotion。"

"IthinkthePoets’Cornerentirelyunnecessary，"saidConfucius。

"Thisisn’taclassorganization，andweshouldresistanyefforttomakeitoranyportionofitso。Infact，Iwillgofurtherandstatethatitismyopinionthatifwedoanylegislatinginthematteratall，weoughttodiscourageratherthanencouragethesepoets。Theyarealwayslitteringtheclubupwiththemselves。OnlylastWednesdayIcameherewithaguest——nolessapersonthanarecentlydeceasedEmperorofChina——andwhatwasthefirstsightthatgreetedoureyes？"

"Igiveitup，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Itmusthavebeenacatacorneredsight，whateveritwas，iftheEmperor’seyesslantedlikeyours。"

"Nopersonalities，please，Doctor，"saidSirWalterRaleigh，thechairman，rappingthetablevigorouslywiththeshadeofahandsomegavelthathadonceadornedtheRomanSenate—chamber。

"He’sonlyaChinaman!"mutteredJohnson。

"Whatwasthesightthatgreetedyoureyes，Confucius？"askedCassius。

"OmarKhayyamstretchedoverfiveofthemostcomfortablechairsinthelibrary，"returnedConfucius；"andwhenIventuredtoremonstratewithhimhelosthistemper，andsaidI’dspoiledthewholesecondvolumeoftheRubaiyat。Itoldhimheoughttodohisrubaiyattingathome，andhemadeascene，toavoidwhichIhastenedwithmyguestovertothebilliard—room；andthere，stretchedatfulllengthonthepool—table，wasRobertBurnstryingtowriteasonnetontheclothwithchalkinlesstimethanVilloncouldturnoutanother，withtwolinesstart，onthebilliard—tablewiththesamewritingmaterials。

NowIaskyou，gentlemen，ifthesethingsaretobetolerated？Aretheynotrathertobereprehended，whetherIamaChinamanornot？"

"Whatwouldyouhaveusdo，then？"askedSirWalterRaleigh，alittlenettled。"Excludepoetsaltogether？Iwasone，remember。"

"Oh，butnotmuchofone，SirWalter，"putinDoctorJohnson，deprecatingly。

"No，"saidConfucius。"Idon’twantthemexcluded，buttheyshouldbecontrolled。Youdon’tletashoemakerwhohasbecomeamemberofthisclubturnthelibrarysofasintobenchesandgopeggingawayatboot—making，sowhyshouldyouletthepoetsturntheplaceintoaversefactory？That’swhatI’dliketoknow。"

"Idon’tknowbutwhatyourpointiswelltaken，"saidBlackstone，"thoughIcan’tsayIthinkyourparallelsareveryparallel。A

shoemaker，mydearConfucius，issomewhatdifferentfromapoet。"

"Certainly，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Verydifferent——infact，differentenoughtomakeaconundrumofthequestion——whatisthedifferencebetweenashoemakerandapoet？Onemakestheshoesandtheothershakesthemuse——allthedifferenceintheworld。Still，I

don’tseehowwecanexcludethepoets。Itistheverydemocracyofthisclubthatgivesitlife。Wetakeineverybody——peer，poet，orwhatnot。Tosaythatthismanshallnotenterbecauseheisthisorthatortheotherthingwouldresultinourultimatelybecomingaclassorganization，which，asConfuciushimselfsays，wearenotandmustnotbe。Ifweputoutthepoettopleasethesage，we’llsoonhavetoputoutthesagetopleasethefool，andsoon。We’llkeepitup，oncetheprecedentisestablished，untilfinallyitwillbecomeaclassclubentirely——aPlumbers’Club，forinstance——andhowabsurdthatwouldbeinHades!No，gentlemen，itcan’tbedone。Thepoetsmustandshallbepreserved。"

"What’stheobjectiontoclassclubs，anyhow？"askedCassius。"I

don’tobjecttothem。IfwecouldhavehadpoliticalorganizationsinmydayImightnothavehadtofallonmyswordtogetoutofkeepinganengagementIhadnofancyfor。Classclubshavetheiruses。"

"Nodoubt，"saidDemosthenes。"Havealltheclassclubsyouwant，butdonotmakeoneofthis。AnAuthors’Club，wherenonebutauthorsareadmitted，isagoodthing。Thememberslearntherethatthereareotherauthorsthanthemselves。Poets’Clubsareagoodthing；theybringpoetsintocontactwitheachother，andtheylearnwhataboreitistohavetolistentoapoetreadinghisownpoem。

Pugilists’Clubsaregood；soareallotherclassclubs；butsoalsoareclubslikeourown，whichtakesinallwhoareworthy。Hereapoetcantalkpoetryasmuchashewants，butatthesametimehehearssomethingbesidespoetry。Wemuststicktoouroriginalidea。"

"ThenletusdosomethingtoabatethenuisanceofwhichIcomplain，"

saidConfucius。"Can’tweadoptahouserulethatpoetsmustnotbeinspiredbetweenthehoursof11A。M。and5P。M。，orintheeveningaftereight；thatanypoetdiscoveredusingmorethanfivearm—chairsinthecompositionofaquatrainwillbechargedtwoobolianhourforeachchairinexcessofthatnumber；andthatthebilliard—markershallberequiredtochargeapremiumofthreetimestheordinaryfeefortablesusedbyversifiersinlieuofwriting—pads？"

"Thatwouldn’tbeabadidea，"saidSirWalterRaleigh。"I，asapoetwouldnotobjecttothat。Idoallmyworkathome，anyhow。"

"There’sanotherphaseofthisbusinessthatwehaven’tconsideredyet，andit’sratherimportant，"saidDemosthenes，takingafreshpebbleoutofhisbonbonniere。"That’sinthematterofstationery。

Thisclub，likeallotherwell—regulatedclubs，providesitsmemberswithasuitablesupplyofwritingmaterials。Charoninformsmethatthewaste—basketslastweekturnedoutforty—tworeamsofourbestcorrespondencepaperonwhichthesepoetshadscribbledthefirstdraftoftheirverses。NowIdon’tthinktheclubshouldfurnishthepoetswiththerawmaterialfortheirpoemsanymorethan，togobacktoConfucius’sshoemaker，itshouldsupplyleatherforourcobblers。"

"Whatdoyoumeanbyrawmaterialforpoems？"askedSirWalter，withafrown。

"Pen，ink，andpaper。Whatelse？"saidDemosthenes。

"Doesn’tittakebrainstowriteapoem？"saidRaleigh。

"Doesn’tittakebrainstomakeapairofshoes？"retortedDemosthenes，swallowingapebbleinhishaste。

"They’vegotarighttothestationery，though，"putinBlackstone。

"Aclearlegalrighttoit。Iftheychoosetowritepoemsonthepaperinsteadofboringpeopletodeathwithletters，asmostofusdo，that’stheirownaffair。"

"Well，they’reverywasteful，"saidDemosthenes。

"Wecanmeetthateasilyenough，"observedCassius。"Furnisheachwriting—tablewithaslate。Ishouldthinkthey’dbepleasedwiththat。It’ssomucheasiertoruboutthewrongword。"

"Mostpoetsprefertorubouttherightword，"growledConfucius。

"Besides，Ishallneverconsenttoslatesinthishouse—boat。Thesqueakingofthepencilswouldbeworsethanthepoemsthemselves。"

"That’strue，"saidCassius。"Ineverthoughtofthat。Ifadozenpoetsgottoworkonthoseslatesatonce，afifecorpswouldn’tbeacircumstancetothem。"

"Well，itallgoestoprovewhatIhavethoughtallalong，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Homer’sideaisagoodone，andSamsonwaswiseinbackingitup。Thepoetsneedtobeconcentratedsomewherewheretheywillnotbeanuisancetootherpeople，andwhereotherpeoplewillnotbeanuisancetothem。Homeroughttohaveaplacetocomposeinwherethevingt—et—unplayerswillnotinterrupthisfrenzies，and，ontheotherhand，thevingt—et—unandotherplayersshouldbeprotectedfromthewooersofthemuse。I’llvotetohavethePoets’Corner，andinitImovethatCassius’sslateideabecarriedout。Itwillbeagreatsaving，andifthecornerweselectbefarenoughawayfromtheothercornersoftheclub，thesqueakingoftheslate—pencilsneedbothernoone。"

"Iagreetothat，"saidBlackstone。"OnlyIthinkitshouldbeunderstoodthat，ingrantingthepetitionofthepoets，wedonotbindourselvestoyieldtodoctorsandlawyersandshoemakersandplumbersincasetheyshouldeachwantacornertothemselves。"

"Averywiseidea，"saidSirWalter。Whereupontheresolutionwassuitablyworded，andpassedunanimously。

JustwherethePoets’Corneristobelocatedthemembersofthecommitteehavenotasyetdecided，althoughConfuciusisstronglyinfavorofhavingitplacedinadingysituatedaquarterofamileasternofthehouse—boat，andconnectedtherewithbyaslightcord，whichcanbeeasilycutincasethesqueakingofthepoets’slate—

pencilsbecomestoomuchforthenervoussystemofthememberswhohavenocorneroftheirown。

CHAPTERVI：SOMETHEORIES，DARWINIANANDOTHERWISE

"Iobserve，"saidDoctorDarwin，lookingupfromaperusalofanasbestoscopyoftheLondonTimes——"IobservethatanAmericanprofessorhasdiscoveredthatmonkeystalk。Iconsiderthataveryinterestingfact。"

"Itundoubtedlyis，"observedDoctorLivingstone，"thoughhardlynew。

Ineversaidanythingaboutitoverintheotherworld，butI

discoveredyearsagoinAfricathatmonkeyswerequiteaswellabletoholdasustainedconversationwitheachotherasmostmenare。"

"AndI，too，"putinBaronMunchausen，"havefrequentlyconversedwithmonkeys。Imademyselfamasteroftheiridiomsduringmybriefsojournin——ah——in——well，nevermindwhere。Inevercouldrememberthenamesofplaces。TheinterestingpointisthatatoneperiodofmylifeIwasamasterofthemonkeylanguage。IhaveevengonesofarastowriteasonnetinSimian，whichwasquiteasintelligibletotheuneducatedasnine—tenthsofthesonnetswritteninEnglishorAmerican。"

"Doyoumeantosaythatyoucouldacquirethemonkeyaccent？"askedDoctorDarwin，immediatelyinterested。

"Inmostinstances，"returnedtheBaron，suavely，"thoughofcoursenotinall。IfoundthesamedifficultyinsomecasesthattheGermanortheChinamanfindswhenhetriestospeakFrench。A

ChinamancannomoresayTrocadero，forinstance，astheFrenchmansaysit，thanhecanfly。ThatpeculiarthroatyaspiratetheFrenchmangivestothefirstsyllable，asthoughitwerespelledtrhoque，isutterlybeyondtheChinese——andbeyondtheAmerican，too，whoseideaofthetonsillaraspirateleadshimtospeakofthetrochedeero，naturallyfallingbackupontrochestohelphimoutofhislaryngealdifficulties。"

"YououghttohavebeenonthestaffofPunch，Baron，"saidThackeray，quietly。"Thatjokewouldhavemadeyouimmortal。"

"IAMimmortal，"saidtheBaron。"ButtoreturntoourdiscussionoftheSimiantongue：asIwassaying，thereweresomelittlepointsabouttheaccentthatIcouldneverget，and，asinthecaseoftheGermanandChinamanwiththeFrenchlanguage，thetroublewaspurelyphysical。WhenyouconsiderthatinpoliteSimiansocietymostofthetalkersconversewhileswingingbytheirtailsfromthelimbofatree，withasortofdroningaccent，whichresultsfromtheirswayingtoandfro，youwillseeatoncewhyitwasthatI，deprivedbynatureofthenecessaryapparatuswithwhichtosuspendmyselfinmid—air，wasunabletoquitecatchthequalitywhichgivesitschiefcharmtomonkey—talk。"

"Ishouldhardlythinkthatamanofyourfertileresourceswouldhaveletsosmallathingasthatstandinhisway，"saidDoctorLivingstone。"Whenamanisabletomakeareputationforhimselflikeyours，inwhichmaterialfactsareneverallowedtointerferewithhisdoingwhathesetsouttodo，heoughtnottobedauntedbytheneedofatail。Ifyoucouldmakeacherry—treegrowoutofadeer’shead，Ifailtoseewhyyoucouldnotpersonallygrowatail，oranythingelseyoumighthappentoneedfortheattainmentofyourends。"

"Iwasnotsoanxioustogettheaccentasallthat，"returnedtheBaron。"Idon’tthinkitisnecessaryforamantomakeamonkeyofhimselfjustforthepleasureofmasteringalanguage。Reasoningsimilarly，amantomastertheartofbrayinginafashioncomprehensibletothejackassofaverageintellectshouldmakeajackassofhimself，cultivatehisears，andlearntokick，soasproperlytopunctuatehissentencesafterthemannerofmostconversationalbeastsofthatkind。"

"Thenyoubelievethatjackassestalk，too，doyou？"askedDoctorDarwin。

"Whynot？"saidtheBaron。"Ifmonkeys，whynotdonkeys？Certainlytheydo。Allcreatureshavesomemeansofcommunicatingtheirthoughtstoeachother。WhymaninhisconceitshouldthinkotherwiseIdon’tknow，unlessitbethatthebirdsandbeastsintheirconceitprobablythinkthattheyaloneofallthecreaturesintheworldcantalk。"

"Ihaven’tadoubt，"saidDoctorLivingstone，"thatmonkeyslisteningtomenandwomentalkingthinktheyareonlyjabbering。"

"They’renotfarfromwronginmostcasesiftheydo，"saidDoctorJohnson，whouptothistimehadbeenmerelyaninterestedlistener。

"I’vethoughtthatmanyatimemyself。"

"Whichisperhaps，inaslightdegree，aconfirmationofmytheory，"

putinDarwin。"IfDoctorJohnson’smindrunsinthesamechannelsthatthemonkey’smindrunsin，whymaywenotsaythatDoctorJohnson，beingaman，hascertainqualitiesofthemonkey，andistherefore，inasense，ofthesamestrain？"

"Youmaysaywhatyouplease，"retortedJohnson，wrathfully，"butI’llmakeyouprovewhatyousayaboutme。"

"Iwouldn’tifIwereyou，"saidDoctorLivingstone，inapeace—

makingspirit。"Itwouldnotbeapleasanttaskforyou，compellingourfriendtoproveyoudescendedfromtheape。Ishouldthinkyou’dprefertomakehimleaveitunproved。"

"HavemonkeysBoswells？"queriedThackeray。

"Idon’tknowanythingabout’em，"saidJohnson，petulantly。

"NomoredoI，"saidDarwin，"andIdidn’tmeantobeoffensive，mydearJohnson。IfIclaimSimianancestryforyou，Iclaimitequallyformyself。"

"Well，I’mnosnob，"saidJohnson，unmollified。"Ifyouwanttobragaboutyourancestors，doit。Leaveminealone。Sticktoyourowngenealogicalorchard。"

"Well，Ibelievefullythatwearealldescendedfromtheape，"saidMunchausen。"Thereisn’tanydoubtinmymindthatbeforethefloodallmenhadtails。Noahhadatail。Shem，Ham，andJaphethhadtails。It’sperfectlyreasonabletobelieveit。TheArkinasenseprovedit。ItwouldhavebeenalmostimpossibleforNoahandhissonstoconstructtheArkinthetimetheydidwiththeassistanceofonlytwohandsapiece。Think，however，ofhowfasttheycouldworkwiththeassistanceofthatthirdarm。NoahcouldhammeraclapboardontotheArkwithtwohandswhilegraspingasawandcuttinganewboardorplaningitoffwithhistail。Sowiththeothers。Weallknowhowmuchathirdhandwouldhelpusattimes。"

"Buthowdoyouaccountforitsdisappearance？"putinDoctorLivingstone。"Isitlikelytheywoulddispensewithsuchausefuladjunct？"

"No，itisn’t；buttherearevariouswaysofaccountingforitsloss，"saidMunchausen。"TheymayhaveoverworkeditbuildingtheArk；Shem，Ham，orJaphethmayhavehadhiscaughtinthedooroftheArkandcutoffinthehurryofthedeparture；plentyofthingsmayhavehappenedtoeliminateit。Menlosetheirhairandtheirteeth；

whymightnotamanloseatail？Scientistssaythatcominggenerationsfarinthefuturewillbetoothlessandbald。Whymayitnotbethatthroughcausesunknowntouswearesimilarlydeprivedofsomethingourforefathershad？"

"Theonlyreasonforman’slosinghishairisthathewearsahatallthetime，"saidLivingstone。"TheDerbyhatistheenemyofhair。

Itishot，anddriesupthescalp。YoumightaswelltrytoraisewatermelonsintheDesertofSaharaastotrytoraisehairunderthemodernhat。Infact，themodernhatisafurnace。"

"Well，it’samightygoodfurnace，"observedMunchausen。"Youdon’thavetoputcoalonthemodernhat。"

"Perhaps，"interposedThackeray，"theancientsworetheirhatsontheirtails。"

"Well，Ihaveatotallydifferenttheory，"saidJohnson。

"Youalwaysdidhave，"observedMunchausen。

"Verylikely，"saidJohnson。"Tobecommonplaceneverwasmyambition。"

"Whatisyourtheory？"queriedLivingstone。

"Well——Idon’tknow，"saidJohnson，"ifitbeworthexpressing。"

"Itmaybeworthsendingbyfreight，"interruptedThackeray。"Letushaveit。"

"Well，Ibelieve，"saidJohnson——"IbelievethatAdamwasamonkey。"

"Hebehavedlikeone，"ejaculatedThackeray。

"Ibelievethattheforbiddentreewasatenderone，andthereforetheonlyoneuponwhichAdamwasforbiddentoswingbyhistail，"

saidJohnson。

"Clearenough——sofar，"saidMunchausen。

"ButthatthepossessionoftailsbyAdamandEveentailedaloveofswingingthereby，andthattheycouldnotresistthetemptationtoswingfromeverylimbinEden，andthattherefore，whileAdamwasoffswingingonothertrees，Evetookaswingontheforbiddentree；thatAdam，returning，caughtherintheact，andimmediatelygavewayhimselfandswung，"saidJohnson。

"Thenyoueliminatetheserpent？"queriedDarwin。

"Notabitofit，"Johnsonanswered。"Theserpentwasthetail。

Lookatmostsnakesto—day。Whataretheybutunattachedtails？"

"Theydolookit，"saidDarwin，thoughtfully。

"Why，it’sclearasday，"saidJohnson。"AspunishmentAdamandEvelosttheirtails，andthetailitselfwascompelledtoworkforalivinganddoitsownwalking。"

"Ineverthoughtofthat，"saidDarwin。"Itseemsreasonable。"

"Itisreasonable，"saidJohnson。

"Andthesnakesofthepresentday？"queriedThackeray。

"Ibelievetobethemissingtailsofmen，"saidJohnson。"Somewhereintheworldisatailforeverymanandwomanandchild。Whereone’stailisnoonecaneversay，butthatitexistssimultaneouslywithitsownerIbelieve。Theabhorrencemanhasforsnakesisdirectlyattributabletohisabhorrenceforallthingswhichhavedeprivedhimofsomethingthatisgood。IfAdam’stailhadnottemptedhimtoswingontheforbiddentree，weshouldallofushavebeenablethroughlifetorelaxfrombusinesscaresafterthemannerofthemonkey，whoishappyfrommorninguntilnight。"

"Well，Ican’tseethatitdoesusanygoodtosithereanddiscussthismatter，"saidDoctorLivingstone。"Wecan’treachanyconclusion。Theonlywaytosettlethematter，itseemstome，istogodirectlytoAdam，whoisamemberofthisclub，andaskhimhowitwas。"

"That’sagreatidea，"saidThackeray，scornfully。"You’dlookwellgoinguptoamanandsaying，’Excuseme，sir，but——ah——wereyoueveramonkey？’"

"Tosaynothingofcatechisingamanonthesubjectofanoldanddreadfulscandal，"putinMunchausen。"I’msurprisedatyou，Livingstone。Africanetiquetteseemstohaveruinedyoursenseofpropriety。"

"I’djustasliefaskhim，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Etiquette？Bah!

Whatbusinesshasetiquettetostandinthewayofhumanknowledge？

Conventionalityisthelastthingmenofbrainsshouldstriveafter，andI，forone，amnotgoingtobeboundbyit。"

HereDoctorJohnsontouchedtheelectricbell，andinaninstanttheshadeofabuttonsappeared。

"Boy，isAdamintheclub—housetoday？"askedthesage。

"I’llgoandsee，sir，"saidtheboy，andheimmediatelydeparted。

"Goodboythat，"saidThackeray。

"Yes；buttheserviceinthisclubisdreadful，consideringwhatwemighthave，"saidDarwin。"WithAladdinamemberofthisclub，I

don’tseewhywecan’thavehislampwithgeniigaloretorespond。

Itcertainlywouldbemoreeconomical。"

"True；butI，forone，don’tcaretofoolwithgenii，"saidMunchausen。"Whenonemembercansummonaservantwhoisstrongenoughtotakeanothermemberanddohimupinabottleandcasthimintothesea，Ihavenouseforthesystem。Plainordinarymortalshadesaregoodenoughforme。"

AsMunchausenspoke，theboyreturned。

"Mr。Adamisn’thereto—day，sir，"hesaid，addressingDoctorJohnson。"AndCharonsayshe’snotlikelytobehere，sir，seeingashowhisaccountisclosed，nothavingbeensettledforthreemonths。"

"Good，"saidThackeray。"Iwasafraidhewashere。Idon’twanttohavehimaskedabouthisEdenexperiencesinmybehalf。That’spersonality。"

"Well，then，there’sonlyoneotherthingtodo，"saidDarwin。

"MunchausenclaimstobeabletospeakSimian。Hemightseekoutsomeoftheprehistoricmonkeysandputthequestiontothem。"

"No，thankyou，"saidMunchausen。"I’malittlerustyinthelanguage，and，besides，youtalklikeanidiot。YoumightaswellspeakofthehumanlanguageastheSimianlanguage。ThereareFrenchmonkeyswhospeakmonkeyFrench，AfricanmonkeyswhotalkthemostbarbarouskindofZulumonkeypatois，andCongomonkeyslang，andsoon。LetJohnsonsendhislittleBoswellouttodrumupinformation。

Ifthereisanythingtobefoundouthe’llgetit，andthenhecantellittous。Ofcoursehemaygetitallwrong，butitwillbeentertaining，andwe’llneverknowanydifference。"

Whichseemedtotheothersagoodidea，butwhatevercameofitI

havenotbeeninformed。

CHAPTERVII：ADISCUSSIONASTOLADIES’DAY

"ImetQueenElizabethjustnowontheRow，"saidRaleigh，asheenteredthehouse—boatandcheckedhiscloak。

"Indeed？"saidConfucius。"Whatifyoudid？OtherpeoplehavemetQueenElizabeth。There’snothingoriginalaboutthat。"

"True；butshemadeasuggestiontomeaboutthishouse—boatwhichI

thinkisagoodone。Shesaysthewomenareallcrazytoseetheinsideofit，"saidRaleigh。

"Thusprovingthatimmortalwomanisnodifferentfrommortalwoman，"

retortedConfucius。"Theywanttoseetheinsideofeverything。

Curiosity，thynameiswoman。"

"Well，IamsureIdon’tseewhymenshouldarrogatetothemselvesthesolerighttoaninvestigatingturnofmind，"saidRaleigh，impatiently。"Whyshouldn’ttheladieswanttoseetheinsideofthisclub—house？Itisacomplimenttousthattheyshould，andI

foroneaminfavoroflettingthem，andIamgoingtoproposethatintheIdesofMarchwegivealadies’dayhere。"

"ThenIshallgoSouthformyhealthintheIdesofMarch，"saidConfucius，angrily。"Whatonearthisaclubforifitisn’ttoenablementogetawayfromtheirwivesonceinawhile？Whendopeoplegotoclubs？Whentheyareontheirwayhome——that’swhen；

andthemoreaman’sathomeinhisclub，thelesshe’sathomewhenhe’sathome。Isupposeyou’llbesuggestingachildren’sdaynext，andafterthataparrot’soracanary—bird’sday。"

"Ihadnoideayouweresuchawoman—hater，"saidRaleigh，inastonishment。"What’sthematter？Wereyoueverdisappointedinlove？"

"I？Howabsurd!"retortedConfucius，reddening。"TheideaofMY

everbeingdisappointedinlove!Inevermetthewomanwhocouldbringmetomyknees，althoughIwasmarriedintheotherworld。

WhatbecameofMrs。C。Ineverinquired。ShemaybeinChinayet，foraughtIknow。Iregarddeathasadivorce。"

"Yourwifemustbegladofit，"saidRaleigh，somewhatungallantly；

for，totellthetruth，hewasnettledbyConfucius’sdemeanor。"I

didn’tknow，however，butthatsinceyouescapedfromChinaandcameheretoHadesyoumighthavefalleninlovewithsomespiritofanagesubsequenttoyourown——MaryQueenofScots，orJoanofArc，orsomeotherspook——whorejectedyou。Ican’taccountforyourdislikeofwomenotherwise。"

"NotI，"saidConfucius。"HadeswouldhavealessclassicnamethanithasformeifIwerehamperedwithafamily。Butgoalongandhaveyourladies’dayhere，andnevermindmyreasonsforpreferringmyownsocietytothatofthefairsex。Icanatleaststayathomethatday。Whatdoyouproposetodo——throwopenthehousetothewivesofmembers，ortoallladies，irrespectiveoftheirhusbands’

membershiphere？"

"Ithinkthelatterplanwouldbethebetter，"saidRaleigh。

"OtherwiseQueenElizabeth，towhomIamindebtedforthesuggestion，wouldbeexcluded。Shenevermarried，youknow。"

"Didn’tshe？"saidConfucius。"No，Ididn’tknowit；butthatdoesn’tproveanything。WhenIwenttoschoolwedidn’tstudythehistoryoftheElizabethanperiod。Shedidn’thaveabsoluteswayoverEngland，then？"

"Shehad；butwhatofthat？"queriedRaleigh。

"Doyoumeantosaythatshelivedanddiedanoldmaidfromchoice？"

demandedConfucius。

"CertainlyIdo，"saidRaleigh。"AndwhyshouldInottellyouthat？"

"Foraverygoodandsufficientreason，"retortedConfucius，"whichis，inbrief，thatIamnotamarine。Imaydislikewomen，mydearRaleigh，butIknowthembetterthanyoudo，gallantasyouare；andwhenyoutellmeinoneandthesamemomentthatawomanholdingabsoluteswayovermenyetlivedanddiedanoldmaid，youmustnotbeindignantifIsmileandbitetheendofmythumb，whichistheChinesewayofsayingthat’sallinyoureye，BettyMartin。"

"Believeitornot，youpooroldbacknumber，"retortedRaleigh，hotly。"Italtersnothing。QueenElizabethcouldhavemarriedahundredtimesoverifshehadwished。IknowIlostmyheadtherecompletely。"

"Thatshows，SirWalter，"saidDryden，withagrin，"howwrongyouare。YoulostyourheadtoKingJames。Hi!Shakespeare，here’samandoesn’tknowwhochoppedhisheadoff。"

Raleigh’sfaceflushedscarlet。"’Tisbettertohavehadaheadandlostit，"hecried，"thannevertohavehadaheadatall!Markyou，Dryden，myboy，itillbefitsyoutoscoffatmeformymisfortune，fordustthouart，andtodustthouhastreturned，ifwordfromt’othersideaboutthybooksandthatwhichinandonthemliesbetrue。"

"Whate’erbesaidaboutmybooks，"saidDryden，angrily，"betheyreadorbetheynot，’tisminetheyare，andnonetherebewhodaredisputetheirauthorship。"

"Thusprovingthatmen，thankHeaven，arestillsane，"ejaculatedDoctorJohnson。"ToassumetheauthorshipofDrydenwouldbenotsomuchaclaim，myfriend，asaconfession。"

"ShadesofthemightyChow!"criedConfucius。"An’willyehearthepoetssquabble!Egad!Aladies’daycouldhardlyintroduceintoourmidstamoredivertingdisputation。"

"We’reallgettingalittlehigh—flowninourphraseology，"putinShakespeareatthispoint。"Let’squittalkinginblank—verseandcomedowntobusiness。_I_thinkaladies’daywouldbegreatsport。

I’llwriteapoemtoreadontheoccasion。"

"ThenIopposeitwithallmyheart，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Whydoyoualwayswanttomakeourentertainmentscommonplace？Leaveoccasionalpoemstomortals。Ineverknewanoccasionalpoemyetthatwasworthyofanimmortal。"

"That’spreciselywhyIwanttowriteoneoccasionalpoem。I’dmakeitworthy，"Shakespeareanswered。"Likethis，forinstance：

Mostfair，mostsweet，mostbeauteousofladies，ThegreatestcharminallyerealmofHades。

Why，mydearDoctor，suchanopportunityforrhymingHadeswithladiesshouldnotbelost。"

"ThatjustproveswhatIsaid，"saidJohnson。"AnyidiotcanmakeladiesrhymewithHades。Itrequiresabsolutegeniustoavoidthetemptation。YouaregreatenoughtomakeHadesrhymewithbicycleifyouchoosetodoit——butno，yousuccumbtothetemptationtobecommonplace。Bah!Oneofthesemoderndrawing—roompoetswiththreesectionstohisnamecouldn’tdoworse。"

"Ongeneralprinciples，"saidRaleigh，"Johnsonisright。Weinvitethesepeopleheretoseeourclub—house，nottogivethemanexhibitionofourmetricalpowers，andIthinkallexercisesofaformalnatureshouldbefrownedupon。"

"Verywell，"saidShakespeare。"Goahead。Haveyourownwayaboutit。Getoutyourbrowandfrown。I’mperfectlywillingtosavemyselfthetroubleofwritingapoem。Writingrealpoetryisn’teasy，asyoufellowswouldhavediscoveredforyourselvesifyou’devertriedit。"

"Topassoverthearrogantassumptionofthegentlemanwhohasjustspoken，withthesilenceduetoaproperexpressionofourcontempttherefor，"saidDryden，slowly，"Ithinkincasewedohavealadies’

dayhereweshouldexerciseamostcarefulsupervisionovertheinvitationlist。Forinstance，wouldn’titbeawkwardforourgoodfriendHenrytheEighthtoencounterthevariousMrs。Henryshere？

Woulditnotlikewisebeawkwardforthemtomeeteachother？"

"Yourpointiswelltaken，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Idon’tknowwhethertheKing’smatrimonialventuresareonspeakingtermswitheachotherornot，butunderanycircumstancesitwouldhardlybeapleasingspectacleforKatharineofArragontoseeHenryrunninghislegsoffgettingcreamandcakesforAnneBoleyn；norwouldAnnelikeitmuchif，ontheotherhand，HenrychosetobehavelikeagentlemanandahusbandtoJaneSeymourorKatharineParr。Ithink，ifthemembersthemselvesaretosendouttheinvitations，theyshouldeachbelimitedtotwocards，withtheexpressunderstandingthatnomembershallbepermittedtoinvitemorethanonewife。"

"That’sgoingtobeawkward，"saidRaleigh，scratchinghisheadthoughtfully。"Henryissuchahot—headedfellowthathemightresentthestipulation。"

"Ithinkhewould，"saidConfucius。"Ithinkhe’dbeasmadasahatteratyourinsinuationthathewouldinviteanyofhiswives，ifallIhearofhimistrue；andwhatI’veheard，Wolseyhastoldme。"

"HeknewathingortwoaboutHenry，"saidShakespeare。"Ifyoudon’tbelieveit，justreadthatplayofminethatBeaumontandFletcher——er——ah——thoughtsomuchof。"

"Youcameneargivingyoursecretawaythattime，William，"saidJohnson，withaslysmile，andgivingtheAvonianadigbetweentheribs。

"Secret!Ihaven’tanysecret，"saidShakespeare，alittleacridly。

"It’sthetruthI’mtellingyou。BeaumontandFletcherDIDadmireHenrytheEighth。"

"Therebyshowingtheirconceit，eh？"saidJohnson。

"Oh，ofcourse，Ididn’twriteanything，didI？"criedShakespeare。

"Everybodywrotemyplaysbutme。I’mtheonlypersonthathadnohandinShakespeare。Itseemstomethatjokeisaboutwornout，Doctor。I’mgettingalittletiredofitmyself；butifitamusesyou，why，keepitup。_I_knowwhowrotemyplays，andwhateveryoumaysaycannotaffectthefacts。NextthingyoufellowswillbesayingthatIdidn’twritemyownautographs？"

"Ididn’tsaythat，"saidJohnson，quietly。"Onlythereisnointernalevidenceinyourautographsthatyouknewhowtospellyournameifyoudid。AmanwhosignshisnameShixpuronedayandShikespearethenextneedn’tcomplainiftheBankofPosterityrefusestohonorhischeck。"

"They’dhonormycheckquickenoughthesedays，"retortedShakespeare。"Whenaman’sautographbringsfivethousanddollars，oronethousandpounds，intheauction—room，thereisn’tabankintheworldfoolenoughtodeclinetohonoranycheckhe’llsignunderathousanddollars，ortwohundredpounds。"

"Ifancyyou’reright，"putinRaleigh。"Butyourchecksoryourplayshavenothingtodowithladies’day。Let’sgettosomeconclusioninthismatter。"

"Yes，"saidConfucius。"Let’s。Ladies’dayisbecomingadreadfulbore，andifwedon’thurryupthebilliard—roomwillbefull。"

"Well，Imovewegetupapetitiontothecounciltohaveit，"saidDryden。

"Iagree，"saidConfucius，"andI’llsignit。Ifthere’sonewaytoavoidhavingladies’dayinthefuture，it’stohaveonenowandbedonewithit。"

"Allright，"saidShakespeare。"I’llsigntoo。"

"As——er——ShixpurorShikespeare？"queriedJohnson。

"Lethimalone，"saidRaleigh。"He’sgettingsensitiveaboutthat；

andwhatyouneedtolearnmorethananythingelseisthatitisn’tmannerstotwitamanonfacts。What’sbotheringyou，Dryden？Youlooklikeamanwithanidea。"

"Ithasjustoccurredtome，"saidDryden，"thatwhilewecansafelyleavethequestionofHenrytheEighthandhiswivestothewisdomofthecouncil，weoughttopaysomeattentiontotheadvisabilityofinvitingLucretiaBorgia。I’dhatetoeatanysupperifshecamewithinamileofthebanqueting—hall。Ifshecomesyou’llhavetoappointatastingcommitteebeforeI’lltouchadropofpunchoreataspeckofsalad。"

"WemightrecommendtheappointmentofRaleightolookafterthefairLucretiaandseethatshehasnopoisonwithher，orifshehas，tokeepherfromdroppingitintothesalads，"saidConfucius，withasidelongglanceatRaleigh。"He’stheespecialchampionofwomaninthisclub，andnodoubtwouldbeproudofthedistinction。"

"Iwouldwithmostwomen，"saidRaleigh。"ButIdrawthelineatLucretiaBorgia。"

Andsoapetitionwasdrawnup，signed，andsenttothecouncil，andthey，aftermaturedeliberation，decidedtohavetheladies’day，towhichalltheladiesinHades，exceptingLucretiaBorgiaandDelilah，weretobedulyinvited，onlythedatewasnotspecified。DelilahwasexcludedattherequestofSamson，whoseconvincingmuscles，ratherthanhisarguments，completelywonoveralloppositiontohisproposition。

CHAPTERVIII：ADISCONTENTEDSHADE

"Itseemstome，"saidShakespeare，wearily，oneafternoonattheclub——"thatthisbusinessofbeingimmortalisprettydull。Didn’tsomebodyoncesayhe’dratherridefiftyyearsonatrolleyinEuropethanonabicycleinCathay？"

"Ineverheardanysuchremarkbyanyself—respectingperson，"saidJohnson。

"Isaidsomethinglikeit，"observedTennyson。

DoctorJohnsonlookedaroundtoseewhoitwasthatspoke。

"You？"hecried。"Andwho，pray，mayyoube？"

"MynameisTennyson，"repliedthepoet。

"Andaverygoodnameitis，"saidShakespeare。

"IamnotawarethatIeverheardthenamebefore，"saidDoctorJohnson。"Didyoumakeityourself？"

"Idid，"saidthelatelaureate，proudly。

"Inwhatpursuit？"askedDoctorJohnson。

"Poetry，"saidTennyson。"Iwrote’LocksleyHall’and’ComeintotheGarden，Maude。’"

"Humph!"saidDoctorJohnson。"Ineverread’em。"

"Well，whyshouldyouhavereadthem？"snarledCarlyle。"Theywerewrittenafteryoumovedoverhere，andtheyweregoodstuff。Youneedn’tthinkbecauseyouquit，thewholeworldputupitsshuttersandwentoutofbusiness。IdidafewthingsmyselfwhichIfancyyouneverheardof。"

"Oh，asforthat，"retortedDoctorJohnson，withasmile，"I’veheardofyou；youarethemanwhowrotethelifeofFredericktheGreatinninehundredandtwovolumes——"

"Seven!"snappedCarlyle。

"Well，seventhen，"returnedJohnson。"Ineversawthework，butI

heardFrederickspeakingofittheotherday。Bonaparteaskedhimifhehadreadit，andFredericksaidno，hehadn’ttime。Bonapartecried，’Haven’ttime？Why，mydearking，you’vegotalleternity。’

’Iknowit，’repliedFrederick，’butthatisn’tenough。Readapageortwo，mydearNapoleon，andyou’llseewhy。’"

"Frederickwillhavehisjoke，"saidShakespeare，withawinkatTennysonandasmileforthetwophilosophers，intended，nodoubt，toputtheminamoreagreeableframeofmind。"Why，heevenaskedmetheotherdaywhyIneverwroteatragedyabouthim，completelyignoringthefactthathecamealongmanyyearsafterIhaddeparted。

Ispokeofthat，andhesaid，’Oh，Iwasonlyjoking。’Iapologized。

’Ididn’tknowthat，’saidI。’Andwhyshouldyou？’saidhe。

’You’reEnglish。’"

"Averyruderemark，"saidJohnson。"AsifweEnglishwereincapableofseeingajoke!"

"Exactly，"putinCarlyle。"ItstrikesmeastheabsurdestnotionthattheEnglishmancan’tseeajoke。TothemindthatisaccustomedtosnapjudgmentsIhavenodoubttheEnglishmanappearstobedullofapprehension，butthephilosophyofthewholematterisapparenttothemindthattakesthetroubletoinvestigate。TheBritonweighseverythingcarefullybeforehecommitshimself，andeventhoughacertainpointmaystrikehimasfunny，heisn’tgoingtolaughuntilhehasfullymadeuphismindthatitisfunny。IrememberonceridingdownPiccadillywithFroudeinahansomcab。FroudehadacopyofPunchinhishand，andhebegantolaughimmoderatelyoversomething。Ileanedoverhisshouldertoseewhathewaslaughingat。’Thatisn’tsofunny，’saidI，asIreadtheparagraphonwhichhiseyewasresting。’No，’saidFroude。’Iwasn’tlaughingatthat。

Iwasenjoyingthejokethatappearedinthesamerelativepositioninlastweek’sissue。’Nowthat’sthepoint——thewholepoint。TheEnglishmanalwayslaughsoverlastweek’sPunch，notthisweek’s，andthatiswhyyouwillfindafileofthatinterestingjournalinthehomeofallwell—to—doBritons。Itisthebacknumberthatamuseshim——whichmerelyprovesthatheisadeliberativepersonwhoweighsevenhishumorcarefullybeforegivingwaytohisemotions。"

"WhatistheaverageweightofacopyofPunch？"drawledArtemasWard，whohadstrolledinduringthelatterpartoftheconversation。

Shakespearesnickeredquietly，butCarlyleandJohnsonlookedupontheintruderseverely。

"Wewilltakethatquestionintoconsideration，"saidCarlyle。

"Perhapsto—morrowweshallhaveadefiniteanswerreadyforyou。"

"Nevermind，"returnedthehumorist。"You’veprovedyourpoint。

Tennysontellsmeyoufindlifeheredull，Shakespeare。"

"Somewhat，"saidShakespeare。"Idon’tknowabouttherestofyoufellows，butIwasnotcutoutforaneternityofease。Imusthaveoccupation，andthestageisn’tpopularhere。Thetroubleaboutputtingonaplayhereisthatourmanagersareafraidoflibelsuits。ThechancesarethatifIshouldwriteaplaywithCassiusasthehero，Cassiuswouldgotothefirstnight’sperformancewithadaggerconcealedinhistoga，withwhichtopunctuatehisobjectionstothelinesputinhismouth。ThereisnothingI’dlikebetterthantomanageatheatreinthisplace，butthinkoftheriotswe’dhave!

Suppose，foraninstant，thatIwroteaplayaboutBonaparte!He’dhaveabox，andwhentherestofyouspookscalledfortheauthorattheendofthethirdact，ifhedidn’thappentoliketheplayhe’dgreetmewithasalvoofartilleryinsteadofapplause。"

"Hewouldn’tifyoumadehimoutagreatconquerorfromstarttofinish，"saidTennyson。

"Nodoubt，"returnedShakespeare，sadly；"butinthateventWellingtonwouldbeintheotherstage—box，andI’dgetthegreetingfromhim。"

"Whycomeoutatall？"askedJohnson。

"Whycomeoutatall？"echoedShakespeare。"Whatfunisthereinwritingaplayifyoucan’tcomeoutandshowyourselfatthefirstnight？That’stheauthor’sreward。Ifitwasn’tforthefirst—nightbusiness，though，allwouldbeplainsailing。"

"Thenwhydon’tyoubeginitthesecondnight？"drawledWard。

"Howthedeucecouldyou？"putinCarlyle。

"Amostextraordinaryproposition，"sneeredJohnson。

"Yes，"saidWard；"butwaitaweek——you’llseethepointthen。"

"Thereisn’tanydoubtinmymind，"saidShakespeare，revertingtohisoriginalproposition，"thattheonlyperfectlysatisfactorylifeisunderasystemnotyetadoptedineitherworld——theonewehavequittedorthis。Therewehadhardworkinwhichourmortallimitationshamperedusgrievously；herewehavethefreedomoftheimmortalwithnohardwork；inotherwords，nowthatwefeellikefighting—cocks，thereisn’tanyfightingtobedone。Thegreatlifeinmyestimation，wouldbetoreturntoearthandbattlewithmortalproblems，butequippedmentallyandphysicallywithimmortalweapons。"

"Somepeopledon’tknowwhentheyarewelloff，"saidBeauBrummel。

"Thisstrikesmeasbeinganideallife。Therearenotailorsbillstopay——weareourselvesnothingbutmemories，andamemorycanclothehimselfintheshadowofhisformergrandeur——Iclothemyselfintheremembranceofmydepartedclothes，andasmymemoryisgoodI

flattermyselfI’mthebest—dressedmanhere。Thefactthatthereareghostsofdepartedunpaidbillshauntingmybedsideatnightdoesn’tbothermeintheleast，becausethebailiffsthatintheoldlifelentterrortoanoverdueaccount，thankstoourbeneficentsystemhere，arekeptinthelessagreeablesectionsofHades。I

usedtoregretthatbailiffsweresuchlowpeople，butnowIrejoiceatit。Iftheyhadbeenofadifferentordertheymighthaveprovenunpleasanthere。"

"Youareright，mydearBrummel，"interposedMunchausen。"Thislifeisfarpreferabletothatintheothersphere。Anyofyougentlemenwhohappentohavehadthepleasureofreadingmymemoirsmusthavebeenstruckwiththetremendousdifficultiesthatencumberedmyprogress。IfIwishedforarareliqueurformyluncheon，aliqueurservedonlyatthetableofanOrientalpotentate，morejealousofitthanofhisonethousandqueens，Ihadtoraisearmies，charterships，andwagewarfareinwhichfeatsofincrediblevalorhadtobeperformedbymyselfaloneandunaidedtosecurethedesiredthimbleful。Ihavedestroyedempiresforabon—bonatgreatexpenseofnervousenergy。"

"That’sverylikelytrue，"saidCarlyle。"Ishouldthinkyourfeatsofstrengthwouldhavewreckedyourimaginationintime。"

"Notso，"saidMunchausen。"Onthecontrary，continuousexerciseservedonlytomakeitstronger。But，asIwasgoingtosay，inthislifewehavenoneofthesefearfulobstacles——itisalifeofleisure；andifIwantabirdandacoldbottleatanytime，insteadofplacingmylifeinperilandjeopardizingthepeaceofallmankindtogetit，Ihaveonlytosummonbeforemethememoryofsomepreviousbirdandcoldbottle，dinethereonlikeawell—orderedcitizen，andsmokethespiritofthebestcigarmyimaginationcanconjureup。"

"Youmissmypoint，"saidShakespeare。"Idon’tsaythislifeisworseorbetterthantheotherweusedtolive。WhatIdosayisthatacombinationofbothwouldsuitme。Inshort，I’dliketolivehereandgototheotherworldeverydaytobusiness，likeasuburbanresidentwhosleepsinthecountryandmakeshislivinginthecity。