第6章

Cry“Murder！“inthemarket-place，andeachWillturnuponhisneighboranxiouseyesThatask:——“Artthoutheman？“WehuntedCain，Somecenturiesago，acrosstheworld，ThatbredthefearourownmisdeedsmaintainTo-day。

Vibart’sMoralities。

Shakespearesayssomethingaboutworms，oritmaybegiantsorbeetles，turningifyoutreadonthemtooseverely。Thesafestplanisnevertotreadonaworm——notevenonthelastnewsubalternfromHome，withhisbuttonshardlyoutoftheirtissuepaper，andtheredofsappyEnglishbeefinhischeeks。Thisisthestoryofthewormthatturned。Forthesakeofbrevity，wewillcallHenryAugustusRamsayFaizanne，“TheWorm，“althoughhereallywasanexceedinglyprettyboy，withoutahaironhisface，andwithawaistlikeagirl’swhenhecameouttotheSecond“Shikarris“andwasmadeunhappyinseveralways。The“Shikarris“

areahigh-casteregiment，andyoumustbeabletodothingswell——

playabanjoorridemorethanalittle，orsing，oract——togetonwiththem。

TheWormdidnothingexceptfalloffhispony，andknockchipsoutofgate-postswithhistrap。Eventhatbecamemonotonousafteratime。Heobjectedtowhist，cuttheclothatbilliards，sangoutoftune，keptverymuchtohimself，andwrotetohisMammaandsistersatHome。Fourofthesefivethingswereviceswhichthe“Shikarris“objectedtoandsetthemselvestoeradicate。Everyoneknowshowsubalternsare，bybrothersubalterns，softenedandnotpermittedtobeferocious。Itisgoodandwholesome，anddoesnooneanyharm，unlesstempersarelost；andthenthereistrouble。

Therewasamanonce——butthatisanotherstory。

The“Shikarris“shikarredTheWormverymuch，andheboreeverythingwithoutwinking。Hewassogoodandsoanxioustolearn，andflushedsopink，thathiseducationwascutshort，andhewaslefttohisowndevicesbyeveryoneexcepttheSeniorSubaltern，whocontinuedtomakelifeaburdentoTheWorm。TheSeniorSubalternmeantnoharm；buthischaffwascoarse，andhedidn’tquiteunderstandwheretostop。Hehadbeenwaitingtoolongforhiscompany；andthatalwayssoursaman。Alsohewasinlove，whichmadehimworse。

Oneday，afterhehadborrowedTheWorm’strapforaladywhoneverexisted，hadusedithimselfalltheafternoon，hadsentanotetoTheWormpurportingtocomefromthelady，andwastellingtheMessallaboutit，TheWormroseinhisplaceandsaid，inhisquiet，ladylikevoice:“Thatwasaveryprettysell；butI’lllayyouamonth’spaytoamonth’spaywhenyougetyourstep，thatIworkasellonyouthatyou’llrememberfortherestofyourdays，andtheRegimentafteryouwhenyou’redeadorbroke。“TheWormwasn’tangryintheleast，andtherestoftheMessshouted。ThentheSeniorSubalternlookedatTheWormfromthebootsupwards，anddownagain，andsaid，“Done，Baby。“TheWormtooktherestoftheMesstowitnessthatthebethadbeentaken，andretiredintoabookwithasweetsmile。

Twomonthspassed，andtheSeniorSubalternstilleducatedTheWorm，whobegantomoveaboutalittlemoreasthehotweathercameon。IhavesaidthattheSeniorSubalternwasinlove。ThecuriousthingisthatagirlwasinlovewiththeSeniorSubaltern。

ThoughtheColonelsaidawfulthings，andtheMajorssnorted，andmarriedCaptainslookedunutterablewisdom，andthejuniorsscoffed，thosetwowereengaged。

TheSeniorSubalternwassopleasedwithgettinghisCompanyandhisacceptanceatthesametimethatheforgottobotherTheWorm。

Thegirlwasaprettygirl，andhadmoneyofherown。Shedoesnotcomeintothisstoryatall。

Onenight，atthebeginningofthehotweather，alltheMess，exceptTheWorm，whohadgonetohisownroomtowriteHomeletters，weresittingontheplatformoutsidetheMessHouse。TheBandhadfinishedplaying，butnoonewantedtogoin。AndtheCaptains’wivesweretherealso。Thefollyofamaninloveisunlimited。TheSeniorSubalternhadbeenholdingforthonthemeritsofthegirlhewasengagedto，andtheladieswerepurringapproval，whilethemenyawned，whentherewasarustleofskirtsinthedark，andatired，faintvoicelifteditself:

“Where’smyhusband？“

Idonotwishintheleasttoreflectonthemoralityofthe“Shikarris；“butitisonrecordthatfourmenjumpedupasiftheyhadbeenshot。Threeofthemweremarriedmen。PerhapstheywereafraidthattheirwiveshadcomefromHomeunbeknownst。Thefourthsaidthathehadactedontheimpulseofthemoment。Heexplainedthisafterwards。

Thenthevoicecried:——“Oh，Lionel！“LionelwastheSeniorSubaltern’sname。Awomancameintothelittlecircleoflightbythecandlesonthepeg-tables，stretchingoutherhandstothedarkwheretheSeniorSubalternwas，andsobbing。Werosetoourfeet，feelingthatthingsweregoingtohappenandreadytobelievetheworst。Inthisbad，smallworldofours，oneknowssolittleofthelifeofthenextman——which，afterall，isentirelyhisownconcern——thatoneisnotsurprisedwhenacrashcomes。Anythingmightturnupanydayforanyone。PerhapstheSeniorSubalternhadbeentrappedinhisyouth。Menarecrippledthatwayoccasionally。Wedidn’tknow；wewantedtohear；andtheCaptains’

wiveswereasanxiousaswe。IfheHADbeentrapped，hewastobeexcused；forthewomanfromnowhere，inthedustyshoes，andgraytravellingdress，wasverylovely，withblackhairandgreateyesfulloftears。Shewastall，withafinefigure，andhervoicehadarunningsobinitpitifultohear。AssoonastheSeniorSubalternstoodup，shethrewherarmsroundhisneck，andcalledhim“mydarling，“andsaidshecouldnotbearwaitingaloneinEngland，andhislettersweresoshortandcold，andshewashistotheendoftheworld，andwouldheforgiveher。Thisdidnotsoundquitelikealady’swayofspeaking。Itwastoodemonstrative。

Thingsseemedblackindeed，andtheCaptains’wivespeeredundertheireyebrowsattheSeniorSubaltern，andtheColonel’sfacesetliketheDayofJudgmentframedingraybristles，andnoonespokeforawhile。

NexttheColonelsaid，veryshortly:——“Well，Sir？“andthewomansobbedafresh。TheSeniorSubalternwashalfchokedwiththearmsroundhisneck，buthegaspedout:——“It’sad——dlie！Ineverhadawifeinmylife！““Don’tswear，“saidtheColonel。“ComeintotheMess。Wemustsiftthisclearsomehow，“andhesighedtohimself，forhebelievedinhis“Shikarris，“didtheColonel。

Wetroopedintotheante-room，underthefulllights，andtherewesawhowbeautifulthewomanwas。Shestoodupinthemiddleofusall，sometimeschokingwithcrying，thenhardandproud，andthenholdingoutherarmstotheSeniorSubaltern。Itwaslikethefourthactofatragedy。ShetoldushowtheSeniorSubalternhadmarriedherwhenhewasHomeonleaveeighteenmonthsbefore；andsheseemedtoknowallthatweknew，andmoretoo，ofhispeopleandhispastlife。Hewaswhiteandashygray，tryingnowandagaintobreakintothetorrentofherwords；andwe，notinghowlovelyshewasandwhatacriminalhelooked，esteemedhimabeastoftheworstkind。Wefeltsorryforhim，though。

IshallneverforgettheindictmentoftheSeniorSubalternbyhiswife。Norwillhe。Itwassosudden，rushingoutofthedark，unannounced，intoourdulllives。TheCaptains’wivesstoodback；

buttheireyeswerealight，andyoucouldseethattheyhadalreadyconvictedandsentencedtheSeniorSubaltern。TheColonelseemedfiveyearsolder。OneMajorwasshadinghiseyeswithhishandandwatchingthewomanfromunderneathit。Anotherwaschewinghismoustacheandsmilingquietlyasifhewerewitnessingaplay。

Fullintheopenspaceinthecentre，bythewhist-tables，theSeniorSubaltern’sterrierwashuntingforfleas。Irememberallthisasclearlyasthoughaphotographwereinmyhand。IrememberthelookofhorrorontheSeniorSubaltern’sface。Itwasratherlikeseeingamanhanged；butmuchmoreinteresting。Finally，thewomanwoundupbysayingthattheSeniorSubalterncarriedadoubleF。M。intattooonhisleftshoulder。Weallknewthat，andtoourinnocentmindsitseemedtoclinchthematter。ButoneoftheBachelorMajorssaidverypolitely:——“Ipresumethatyourmarriagecertificatewouldbemoretothepurpose？“

Thatrousedthewoman。ShestoodupandsneeredattheSeniorSubalternforacur，andabusedtheMajorandtheColonelandalltherest。Thenshewept，andthenshepulledapaperfromherbreast，sayingimperially:——“Takethat！Andletmyhusband——mylawfullyweddedhusband——readitaloud——ifhedare！“

Therewasahush，andthemenlookedintoeachother’seyesastheSeniorSubalterncameforwardinadazedanddizzyway，andtookthepaper。Wewerewonderingaswestared，whethertherewasanythingagainstanyoneofusthatmightturnuplateron。TheSeniorSubaltern’sthroatwasdry；but，asheranhiseyeoverthepaper，hebrokeoutintoahoarsecackleofrelief，andsaidtothewoman:——“Youyoungblackguard！“

Butthewomanhadfledthroughadoor，andonthepaperwaswritten:——“ThisistocertifythatI，TheWorm，havepaidinfullmydebtstotheSeniorSubaltern，and，further，thattheSeniorSubalternismydebtor，byagreementonthe23dofFebruary，asbytheMessattested，totheextentofonemonth’sCaptain’spay，inthelawfulcurrencyoftheIndiaEmpire。“

ThenadeputationsetoffforTheWorm’squartersandfoundhim，betwixtandbetween，unlacinghisstays，withthehat，wig，sergedress，etc。，onthebed。Hecameoverashewas，andthe“Shikarris“shoutedtilltheGunners’Messsentovertoknowiftheymighthaveashareofthefun。Ithinkwewereall，excepttheColonelandtheSeniorSubaltern，alittledisappointedthatthescandalhadcometonothing。Butthatishumannature。TherecouldbenotwowordsaboutTheWorm’sacting。Itleanedasneartoanastytragedyasanythingthissideofajokecan。WhenmostoftheSubalternssatuponhimwithsofa-cushionstofindoutwhyhehadnotsaidthatactingwashisstrongpoint，heansweredveryquietly:——“Idon’tthinkyoueveraskedme。IusedtoactatHomewithmysisters。“ButnoactingwithgirlscouldaccountforTheWorm’sdisplaythatnight。Personally，Ithinkitwasinbadtaste。Besidesbeingdangerous。Thereisnosortofuseinplayingwithfire，evenforfun。

The“Shikarris“madehimPresidentoftheRegimentalDramaticClub；

and，whentheSeniorSubalternpaiduphisdebt，whichhedidatonce，TheWormsankthemoneyinsceneryanddresses。HewasagoodWorm；andthe“Shikarris“areproudofhim。Theonlydrawbackisthathehasbeenchristened“Mrs。SeniorSubaltern；“andastherearenowtwoMrs。SeniorSubalternsintheStation，thisissometimesconfusingtostrangers。

Lateron，Iwilltellyouofacasesomethinglike，this，butwithallthejestleftoutandnothinginitbutrealtrouble。

A。ConanDoyleACaseofIdentity“Mydearfellow，“saidSherlockHolmes，aswesatoneithersideofthefireinhislodgingsatBakerStreet，“lifeisinfinitelystrangerthananythingwhichthemindofmancaninvent。Wewouldnotdaretoconceivethethingswhicharereallymerecommonplacesofexistence。Ifwecouldflyoutofthatwindowhandinhand，hoveroverthisgreatcity，gentlyremovetheroofs，andpeepinatthequeerthingswhicharegoingon，thestrangecoincidences，theplannings，thecross-purposes，thewonderfulchainsofevents，workingthroughgenerations，andleadingtothemostoutreresults，itwouldmakeallfiction，withitsconventionalitiesandforeseenconclusions，moststaleandunprofitable。“

“AndyetIamnotconvincedofit，“Ianswered。“Thecaseswhichcometolightinthepapersare，asarule，baldenough，andvulgarenough。Wehaveinourpolicereportsrealismpushedtoitsextremelimits，andyettheresultis，itmustbeconfessed，neitherfascinatingnorartistic。“