第11章

ThenIcouldhearacuriouspatteringuponthedoor，almostlikesomeonefeelingforthehandleinthedark，andPyecraft’sfamiliargrunts。

“It’sallright，“Isaid，“she’sgone。“

Butforalongtimethedoordidn’topen。

Iheardthekeyturn。ThenPyecraft’svoicesaid，“Comein。“

Iturnedthehandleandopenedthedoor。NaturallyIexpectedtoseePyecraft。

Well，youknow，hewasn’tthere！

Ineverhadsuchashockinmylife。Therewashissitting-roominastateofuntidydisorder，platesanddishesamongthebooksandwritingthings，andseveralchairsoverturned，butPyecraft——

“It’sallright，o’man；shutthedoor，“hesaid，andthenI

discoveredhim。

Therehewasrightupclosetothecorniceinthecornerbythedoor，asthoughsomeonehadgluedhimtotheceiling。Hisfacewasanxiousandangry。Hepantedandgesticulated。“Shutthedoor，“hesaid。

“Ifthatwomangetsholdofit——“

Ishutthedoor，andwentandstoodawayfromhimandstared。

“Ifanythinggiveswayandyoutumbledown，“Isaid，“you’llbreakyourneck，Pyecraft。“

“IwishIcould，“hewheezed。

“Amanofyourageandweightgettinguptokiddishgymnastics——“

“Don’t，“hesaid，andlookedagonised。

“I’lltellyou，“hesaid，andgesticulated。

“Howthedeuce，“saidI，“areyouholdingonupthere？“

AndthenabruptlyIrealisedthathewasnotholdingonatall，thathewasfloatingupthere——justasagas-filledbladdermighthavefloatedinthesameposition。Hebeganastruggletothrusthimselfawayfromtheceilingandtoclamberdownthewalltome。

“It’sthatprescription，“hepanted，ashedidso。“Yourgreat-gran——“

Hetookholdofaframedengravingrathercarelesslyashespokeanditgaveway，andheflewbacktotheceilingagain，whilethepicturesmashedontothesofa。Bumphewentagainsttheceiling，andIknewthenwhyhewasalloverwhiteonthemoresalientcurvesandanglesofhisperson。Hetriedagainmorecarefully，comingdownbywayofthemantel。

Itwasreallyamostextraordinaryspectacle，thatgreat，fat，apoplectic-lookingmanupsidedownandtryingtogetfromtheceilingtothefloor。“Thatprescription，“hesaid。“Toosuccessful。“

“How？“

“Lossofweight——almostcomplete。“

Andthen，ofcourse，Iunderstood。

“ByJove，Pyecraft，“saidI，“whatyouwantedwasacureforfatness！

Butyoualwayscalleditweight。Youwouldcallitweight。“

SomehowIwasextremelydelighted。IquitelikedPyecraftforthetime。

“Letmehelpyou！“Isaid，andtookhishandandpulledhimdown。

Hekickedabout，tryingtogetafootholdsomewhere。Itwasverylikeholdingaflagonawindyday。

“Thattable，“hesaid，pointing，“issolidmahoganyandveryheavy。

Ifyoucanputmeunderthat——“

Idid，andtherehewallowedaboutlikeacaptiveballoon，whileIstoodonhishearthrugandtalkedtohim。

Ilitacigar。“Tellme，“Isaid，“whathappened？“

“Itookit，“hesaid。

“Howdidittaste？“

“Oh，BEASTLY！“

Ishouldfancytheyalldid。Whetheroneregardstheingredientsortheprobablecompoundorthepossibleresults，almostallofmygreat-grandmother’sremediesappeartomeatleasttobeextraordinarilyuninviting。Formyownpart——

“Itookalittlesipfirst。“

“Yes？“

“AndasIfeltlighterandbetterafteranhour，Idecidedtotakethedraught。“

“MydearPyecraft！“

“Iheldmynose，“heexplained。“AndthenIkeptongettinglighterandlighter——andhelpless，youknow。“

Hegavewaytoasuddenburstofpassion。“WhatthegoodnessamI

toDO？“hesaid。

“There’sonethingprettyevident，“Isaid，“thatyoumustn’tdo。

Ifyougooutofdoors，you’llgoupandup。“Iwavedanarmupward。

“They’dhavetosendSantos-Dumontafteryoutobringyoudownagain。“

“Isupposeitwillwearoff？“

Ishookmyhead。“Idon’tthinkyoucancountonthat，“Isaid。

Andthentherewasanotherburstofpassion，andhekickedoutatadjacentchairsandbangedthefloor。HebehavedjustasIshouldhaveexpectedagreat，fat，self-indulgentmantobehaveundertryingcircumstances——thatistosay，verybadly。Hespokeofmeandmygreat-grandmotherwithanutterwantofdiscretion。

“Ineveraskedyoutotakethestuff，“Isaid。

Andgenerouslydisregardingtheinsultshewasputtinguponme，Isatdowninhisarmchairandbegantotalktohiminasober，friendlyfashion。

Ipointedouttohimthatthiswasatroublehehadbroughtuponhimself，andthatithadalmostanairofpoeticaljustice。Hehadeatentoomuch。Thishedisputed，andforatimewearguedthepoint。

Hebecamenoisyandviolent，soIdesistedfromthisaspectofhislesson。“Andthen，“saidI，“youcommittedthesinofeuphuism。

YoucalleditnotFat，whichisjustandinglorious，butWeight。You——“

Heinterruptedtosayherecognisedallthat。WhatwashetoDO？

Isuggestedheshouldadapthimselftohisnewconditions。Sowecametothereallysensiblepartofthebusiness。Isuggestedthatitwouldnotbedifficultforhimtolearntowalkaboutontheceilingwithhishands——

“Ican’tsleep，“hesaid。

Butthatwasnogreatdifficulty。Itwasquitepossible，Ipointedout，tomakeashake-upunderawiremattress，fastentheunderthingsonwithtapes，andhaveablanket，sheet，andcoverlettobuttonattheside。Hewouldhavetoconfideinhishousekeeper，Isaid；

andaftersomesquabblingheagreedtothat。(Afterwardsitwasquitedelightfultoseethebeautifullymatter-of-factwaywithwhichthegoodladytookalltheseamazinginversions。)Hecouldhavealibraryladderinhisroom，andallhismealscouldbelaidonthetopofhisbookcase。Wealsohitonaningeniousdevicebywhichhecouldgettothefloorwheneverhewanted，whichwassimplytoputtheBritishEncyclopaedia(tenthedition)onthetopofhisopenshelves。Hejustpulledoutacoupleofvolumesandheldon，anddownhecame。Andweagreedtheremustbeironstaplesalongtheskirting，sothathecouldclingtothosewheneverhewantedtogetabouttheroomonthelowerlevel。

AswegotonwiththethingIfoundmyselfalmostkeenlyinterested。

ItwasIwhocalledinthehousekeeperandbrokematterstoher，anditwasIchieflywhofixeduptheinvertedbed。Infact，Ispenttwowholedaysathisflat。Iamahandy，interferingsortofmanwithascrew-driver，andImadeallsortsofingeniousadaptationsforhim——ranawiretobringhisbellswithinreach，turnedallhiselectriclightsupinsteadofdown，andsoon。Thewholeaffairwasextremelycuriousandinterestingtome，anditwasdelightfultothinkofPyecraftlikesomegreat，fatblow-fly，crawlingaboutonhisceilingandclamberingroundthelintelsofhisdoorsfromoneroomtoanother，andnever，never，nevercomingtotheclubanymore……

Then，youknow，myfatalingenuitygotthebetterofme。Iwassittingbyhisfiredrinkinghiswhisky，andhewasupinhisfavouritecornerbythecornice，tackingaTurkeycarpettotheceiling，whentheideastruckme。“ByJove，Pyecraft！“Isaid，“allthisistotallyunnecessary。“

AndbeforeIcouldcalculatethecompleteconsequencesofmynotionIblurteditout。“Leadunderclothing，“saidI，andthemischiefwasdone。

Pyecraftreceivedthethingalmostintears。“Toberightwaysupagain——“hesaid。IgavehimthewholesecretbeforeIsawwhereitwouldtakeme。“Buysheetlead，“Isaid，“stampitintodiscs。

Sew’emalloveryourunderclothesuntilyouhaveenough。Havelead-soledboots，carryabagofsolidlead，andthethingisdone！