第4章

Somedozenyearsago，myfamilybeingabsentinadistantpartofthecountry，andmybusinessdetainingmeinLondon，Iremainedinmyownhousewiththreeservantsonboardwages。Iusedonlytobreakfastathome；andfutureageswillbeinterestedtoknowthatthismealusedtoconsist，atthatperiod，oftea，apennyroll，apatofbutter，and，perhaps，anegg。Myweeklybillusedinvariablytobeaboutfiftyshillings；sothat，asIneverdinedinthehouse，yousee，mybreakfast，consistingofthedelicaciesbeforementioned，costaboutsevenshillingsandthreepenceperdiem。I

must，therefore，haveconsumeddaily——

s。d。

Aquarterofapoundoftea(say)13

Apennyroll(say)10

Onepoundofbutter(say)13

Onepoundoflumpsugar10

Anew-laidegg29

WhichistheonlypossiblewayIhaveformakingoutthesum。

Well，Ifellillwhileunderthisregimen，andhadanillnesswhich，butforacertaindoctor，whowasbroughttomebyacertainkindfriendIhadinthosedays，would，Ithink，havepreventedthepossibilityofmytellingthisinterestinganecdotenowadozenyearsafter。Don"tbefrightened，mydearmadam；itisnotahorrid，sentimentalaccountofamaladyyouarecomingto——onlyaquestionofgrocery。Thisillness，Isay，lastedsomeseventeendays，duringwhichtheservantswereadmirablyattentiveandkind；

andpoorJohn，especially，wasupatallhours，watchingnightafternight——amiable，cheerful，untiring，respectful，theverybestofJohnsandnurses。

TwiceorthriceintheseventeendaysImayhavehadaglassofeausucree——sayadozenglassesofeausucree——certainlynotmore。

Well，thisadmirable，watchful，cheerful，tender，affectionateJohnbroughtmeinalittlebillforseventeenpoundsofsugarconsumedduringtheillness——“Often"adsugarandwater；alwayswasacallin"

forit，“saysJohn，wagginghisheadquitegravely。Youaredead，yearsandyearsago，poorJohn——sopatient，sofriendly，sokind，socheerfultotheinvalidinthefever。Butconfess，now，whereveryouare，thatseventeenpoundsofsugartomakesixglassesofeausucreewasaLITTLEtoostrong，wasn"tit，John?Ah，howfrankly，howtrustily，howbravelyhelied，poorJohn！Oneevening，beingatBrighton，intheconvalescence，IrememberJohn"sstepwasunsteady，hisvoicethick，hislaughqueer——andhavingsomequininetogiveme，Johnbroughttheglasstome——nottomymouth，butstruckmewithitprettysmartlyintheeye，whichwasnotthewayinwhichDr。Elliotsonhadintendedhisprescriptionshouldbetaken。

Turningthateyeuponhim，Iventuredtohintthatmyattendanthadbeendrinking。Drinking！IneverwasmorehumiliatedatthethoughtofmyowninjusticethanatJohn"sreply。“Drinking！Sulpme！Ihavehadonlyonepintofbeerwithmydinneratoneo"clock！“——andheretreats，holdingonbyachair。Thesearefibs，yousee，appertainingtothesituation。Johnisdrunk。“SULPhim，hehasonlyhadan"alf-pintofbeerwithhisdinnersixhoursago；“

andnoneofhisfellow-servantswillsayotherwise。Pollyissmuggledonboardship。Whotellsthelieutenantwhenhecomeshisrounds?Boysareplayingcardsinthebedroom。Theoutlyingfagannouncesmastercoming——outgocandles——cardspoppedintobed——boyssoundasleep。Whohadthatlightinthedormitory?Lawblessyou！

thepoordearinnocentsareeveryonesnoring。Everyonesnoring，andeverysnoreisalietoldthroughthenose！Supposeoneofyourboysormineisengagedinthatawfulcrime，arewegoingtobreakourheartsaboutit?Come，come。Wepullalongface，waggleagravehead，andchucklewithinourwaistcoats。

Betweenmeandthosefellow-creaturesofminewhoaresittingintheroombelow，howstrangeandwonderfulisthepartition！Wemeetateveryhourofthedaylight，andareindebtedtoeachotherforahundredofficesofdutyandcomfortoflife；andwelivetogetherforyears，anddon"tknoweachother。John"svoicetomeisquitedifferentfromJohn"svoicewhenitaddresseshismatesbelow。IfI

metHannahinthestreetwithabonneton，IdoubtwhetherIshouldknowher。AndallthesegoodpeoplewithwhomImayliveforyearsandyears，havecares，interests，dearfriendsandrelatives，mayhapschemes，passions，longinghopes，tragediesoftheirown，fromwhichacarpetandafewplanksandbeamsutterlyseparateme。Whenwewereattheseaside，andpoorEllenusedtolooksopale，andrunafterthepostman"sbell，andseizealetterinagreatscrawlinghand，andreadit，andcryinacorner，howshouldweknowthatthepoorlittlething"sheartwasbreaking?Shefetchedthewater，andshesmoothedtheribbons，andshelaidoutthedresses，andbroughttheearlycupofteainthemorning，justasifshehadhadnocarestokeepherawake。Henry(wholivedoutofthehouse)wastheservantofafriendofminewholivedinchambers。Therewasadinneroneday，andHarrywaitedallthroughthedinner。Thechampagnewasproperlyiced，thedinnerwasexcellentlyserved；

everyguestwasattendedto；thedinnerdisappeared；thedessertwasset；theclaretwasinperfectorder，carefullydecanted，andmoreready。AndthenHenrysaid，“Ifyouplease，sir，mayIgohome?“

Hehadreceivedwordthathishousewasonfire；and，havingseenthroughhisdinner，hewishedtogoandlookafterhischildren，andlittlesticksoffurniture。Why，suchaman"sliveryisauniformofhonor。Thecrestonhisbuttonisabadgeofbravery。

Doyousee——IimagineIdomyself——intheselittleinstances，atingeofhumor?Ellen"sheartisbreakingforhandsomeJeamesofBuckleySquare，whosegreatlegsarekneeling，andwhohasgivenalockofhispreciouspowderedhead，tosomeotherthanEllen。Henryispreparingthesauceforhismaster"swild-duckswhiletheenginesaresquirtingoverhisownlittlenestandbrood。Liftthesefiguresupbutastoryfromthebasementtotheground-floor，andthefunisgone。Wemaybeenpleinetragedie。Ellenmaybreatheherlastsighinblankverse，callingdownblessingsuponJamestheprofligatewhodesertsher。Henryisahero，andepaulettesareonhisshoulders。Atquisciebat，&c。，whatevertorturesareinstoreforhim，hewillbeathispostofduty。

Youconcede，however，thatthereisatouchofhumorinthetwotragediesherementioned。Why?Isitthattheideaofpersonsatserviceissomehowludicrous?Perhapsitismademoresointhiscountrybythesplendidappearanceoftheliverieddomesticsofgreatpeople。Whenyouthinkthatwedressinblackourselves，andputourfellow-creaturesingreen，pink，orcanary-coloredbreeches；

thatweorderthemtoplastertheirhairwithflour，havingbrushedthatnonsenseoutofourownheadsfiftyyearsago；thatsomeofthemostgenteelandstatelyamonguscausethemenwhodrivetheircarriagestoputonlittleAlbinowigs，andsitbehindgreatnosegays——IsayIsupposeitisthisheapingofgoldlace，gaudycolors，bloomingplushes，onhonestJohnTrot，whichmakesthemanabsurdinoureyes，whoneedbenothingbutasimplereputablecitizenandin-doorlaborer。Suppose，mydearsir，thatyouyourselfweresuddenlydesiredtoputonafulldress，orevenundress，domesticuniformwithourfriendJones"screstrepeatedinvariedcombinationsofbuttononyourfrontandback?Suppose，madam，yoursonweretold，thathecouldnotgetoutexceptinlowergarmentsofcarnationoramber-coloredplush——wouldyoulethim?……

Butasyoujustlysay，thisisnotthequestion，andbesidesitisaquestionfraughtwithdanger，sir；andradicalism，sir；andsubversionoftheveryfoundationsofthesocialfabric，sir……

Well，John，wewon"tenteronyourgreatdomesticquestion。Don"tletusdisportwithJeames"sdangerousstrength，andtheedge-toolsabouthisknife-board:butwithBettyandSusanwhowieldtheplayfulmop，andsetonthesimmeringkettle。SurelyyouhaveheardMrs。ToddlestalkingtoMrs。Doddlesabouttheirmutualmaids。MissSusanmusthaveasilkgown，andMissBettymustwearflowersunderherbonnetwhenshegoestochurchifyouplease，anddidyoueverhearsuchimpudence?Theservantinmanysmallestablishmentsisaconstantandendlessthemeoftalk。Whatsmallwage，sleep，meal，whatendlessscouring，scolding，trampingonmessagesfalltothatpoorSusan"slot；whatindignationatthelittlekindlypassingwordwiththegrocer"syoungman，thepot-boy，thechubbybutcher！Wheresuchthingswillend，mydearMrs。Toddles，Idon"tknow。Whatwagestheywillwantnext，mydearMrs。Doddles，&c。

Here，dearladies，isanadvertisementwhichIcutoutofTheTimesafewdayssince，expresslyforyou:

“AladyisdesirousofobtainingaSITUATIONforaveryrespectableyoungwomanasHEADKITCHEN-MAIDunderaman-cook。Shehaslivedfouryearsunderaverygoodcookandhousekeeper。Canmakeice，andisanexcellentbaker。Shewillonlytakeaplaceinaverygoodfamily，whereshecanhavetheopportunityofimprovingherself，and，ifpossible，stayingfortwoyears。Applybyletterto，“&c。&c。

There，Mrs。Toddles，whatdoyouthinkofthat，anddidyouever?

Well，no，Mrs。Doddles。Uponmywordnow，Mrs。T。，Idon"tthinkI

everdid。Arespectableyoungwoman——asheadkitchen-maid——underaman-cook，willonlytakeaplaceinaverygoodfamily，whereshecanimprove，andstaytwoyears。Justnoteuptheconditions，Mrs。

Toddles，mum，ifyouplease，mum，andTHENletussee:——

1。ThisyoungwomanistobeHEADkitchen-maid，thatistosaythereistobeachorusofkitchen-maids，ofwhichY。W。istobechief。

2。Shewillonlybesituatedunderaman-cook。(A)OughthetobeaFrenchcook；and(B)，ifso，wouldtheladydesirehimtobeaProtestant?

3。ShewillonlytakeaplaceinaVERYGOODFAMILY。Howoldoughtthefamilytobe，andwhatdoyoucallgood?thatisthequestion。

HowlongaftertheConquestwilldo?Wouldabanker"sfamilydo，orisabaronet"sgoodenough?Bestsaywhatrankinthepeeragewouldbesufficientlyhigh。ButtheladydoesnotsaywhethershewouldlikeaHighChurchoraLowChurchfamily。Oughttheretobeunmarriedsons，andmaytheyfollowaprofession?andpleasesayhowmanydaughters；andwouldtheladylikethemtobemusical?Andhowmanycompanydinnersaweek?Nottoomany，forfearoffatiguingtheupperkitchen-maid；butsufficient，soastokeeptheupperkitchen-maid"shandin。[N。B——IthinkIcanseearatherbewilderedexpressiononthecountenancesofMesdamesDoddlesandToddlesasIamprattlingoninthiseasybanteringway。]

4。Theheadkitchen-maidwishestostayfortwoyears，andimproveherselfundertheman-cook，andhavingofcoursesuckedthebrains(asthephraseis)fromunderthechefsnightcap，thentheheadkitchen-maidwishestogo。

Anduponmyword，Mrs。Toddles，mum，Iwillgoandfetchthecabforher。Thecab?Whynotherladyship"sowncarriageandpair，andtheheadcoachmantodriveawaytheheadkitchen-maid?Youseeshestipulatesforeverything——thetimetocome；thetimetostay；thefamilyshewillbewith；andassoonasshehasimprovedherselfenough，ofcoursetheupperkitchen-maidwillstepintothecarriageanddriveoff。

Well，uponmywordandconscience，ifthingsarecomingtoTHIS

pass，Mrs。ToddlesandMrs。Doddles，mum，IthinkIwillgoupstairsandgetabasinandasponge，andthendownstairsandgetsomehotwater；andthenIwillgoandscrubthatchalk-markoffmyowndoorwithmyownhands。

Itiswipedoff，Ideclare！Aftereversomanyweeks！Whohasdoneit?Itwasjustalittleround-aboutmark，youknow，anditwastherefordaysandweeks，beforeIeverthoughtitwouldbethetextofaRoundaboutPaper。

ONBEINGFOUNDOUT。

Attheclose(letussay)ofQueenAnne"sreign，whenIwasaboyataprivateandpreparatoryschoolforyounggentlemen，Irememberthewiseacreofamasterorderingusall，onenight，tomarchintoalittlegardenatthebackofthehouse，andthencetoproceedonebyoneintoatoolorhenhouse，(Iwasbutatenderlittlethingjustputintoshortclothes，andcan"texactlysaywhetherthehousewasfortoolsorhens，)andinthathousetoputourhandsintoasackwhichstoodonabench，acandleburningbesideit。Iputmyhandintothesack。Myhandcameoutquiteblack。Iwentandjoinedtheotherboysintheschoolroom；andalltheirhandswereblacktoo。

Byreasonofmytenderage(andtherearesomecriticswho，Ihope，willbesatisfiedbymyacknowledgingthatIamahundredandfifty-

sixnextbirthday)Icouldnotunderstandwhatwasthemeaningofthisnightexcursion——thiscandle，thistool-house，thisbagofsoot。Ithinkwelittleboysweretakenoutofoursleeptobebroughttotheordeal。Wecame，then，andshowedourlittlehandstothemaster；washedthemornot——mostprobably，Ishouldsay，not——andsowentbewilderedbacktobed。

Somethinghadbeenstolenintheschoolthatday；andMr。Wiseacrehavingreadinabookofaningeniousmethodoffindingoutathiefbymakinghimputhishandintoasack(which，ifguilty，theroguewouldshirkfromdoing)，allweboysweresubjectedtothetrial。

Goodnessknowswhatthelostobjectwas，orwhostoleit。Weallhadblackhandstoshowthemaster。Andthethief，whoeverhewas，wasnotFoundOutthattime。

Iwonderiftherascalisalive——anelderlyscoundrelhemustbebythistime；andahoaryoldhypocrite，towhomanoldschoolfellowpresentshiskindestregards——parentheticallyremarkingwhatadreadfulplacethatprivateschoolwas；cold，chilblains，baddinners，notenoughvictuals，andcaningawful！——Areyoualivestill，Isay，younamelessvillain，whoescapeddiscoveryonthatdayofcrime?Ihopeyouhaveescapedoftensince，oldsinner。Ah，whataluckythingitis，foryouandme，myman，thatweareNOT

foundoutinallourpeccadilloes；andthatourbackscanslipawayfromthemasterandthecane！

Justconsiderwhatlifewouldbe，ifeveryroguewasfoundout，andfloggedcorampopulo！Whatabutchery，whatanindecency，whatanendlessswishingoftherod！Don"tcryoutaboutmymisanthropy。

MygoodfriendMealymouth，Iwilltroubleyoutotellme，doyougotochurch?Whenthere，doyousay，ordoyounot，thatyouareamiserablesinner?andsayingsodoyoubelieveordisbelieveit?

IfyouareaM。S。，don"tyoudeservecorrection，andaren"tyougratefulifyouaretobeletoff?Isayagain，whatablessedthingitisthatwearenotallfoundout！

Justpicturetoyourselfeverybodywhodoeswrongbeingfoundout，andpunishedaccordingly。Fancyalltheboysinalltheschoolbeingwhipped；andthentheassistants，andthentheheadmaster(Dr。Badfordletuscallhim)。Fancytheprovost-marshalbeingtiedup，havingpreviouslysuperintendedthecorrectionofthewholearmy。Aftertheyounggentlemenhavehadtheirturnforthefaultyexercises，fancyDr。LincolnsinnbeingtakenupforcertainfaultsinHISEssayandReview。Aftertheclergymanhascriedhispeccavi，supposewehoistupabishop，andgivehimacoupleofdozen！(I

seemyLordBishopofDouble-Gloucestersittinginaveryuneasypostureonhisrightreverendbench。)Afterwehavecastoffthebishop，whatarewetosaytotheMinisterwhoappointedhim?MyLordCinqwarden，itispainfultohavetousepersonalcorrectiontoaboyofyourage；butreally……Sistetandem，carnifex！Thebutcheryistoohorrible。Thehanddropspowerless，appalledatthequantityofbirchwhichitmustcutandbrandish。Iamgladwearenotallfoundout，Isayagain；andprotest，mydearbrethren，againstourhavingourdeserts。

Tofancyallmenfoundoutandpunishedisbadenough；butimagineallwomenfoundoutinthedistinguishedsocialcircleinwhichyouandIhavethehonortomove。Isitnotamercythatamanyofthesefaircriminalsremainunpunishedandundiscovered！ThereisMrs。Longbow，whoisforeverpractising，andwhoshootspoisonedarrows，too；whenyoumeetheryoudon"tcallherliar，andchargeherwiththewickednessshehasdoneandisdoing。ThereisMrs。

Painter，whopassesforamostrespectablewoman，andamodelinsociety。Thereisnouseinsayingwhatyoureallyknowregardingherandhergoingson。ThereisDianaHunter——whatalittlehaughtyprudeitis；andyetWEknowstoriesaboutherwhicharenotaltogetheredifying。Isayitisbest，forthesakeofthegood，thatthebadshouldnotallbefoundout。Youdon"twantyourchildrentoknowthehistoryofthatladyinthenextbox，whoissohandsome，andwhomtheyadmireso。Ahme，whatwouldlifebeifwewereallfoundout，andpunishedforallourfaults?JackKetchwouldbeinpermanence；andthenwhowouldhangJackKetch?

Theytalkofmurderersbeingprettycertainlyfoundout。Psha！I

haveheardanauthorityawfullycompetentvowanddeclarethatscoresandhundredsofmurdersarecommitted，andnobodyisthewiser。Thatterriblemanmentionedoneortwowaysofcommittingmurder，whichhemaintainedwerequitecommon，andwerescarcelyeverfoundout。Aman，forinstance，comeshometohiswife，and……butIpause——IknowthatthisMagazinehasaverylargecirculation。Hundredsandhundredsofthousands——whynotsayamillionofpeopleatonce?——well，sayamillion，readit。Andamongstthesecountlessreaders，Imightbeteachingsomemonsterhowtomakeawaywithhiswifewithoutbeingfoundout，somefiendofawomanhowtodestroyherdearhusband。IwillNOTthentellthiseasyandsimplewayofmurder，ascommunicatedtomebyamostrespectablepartyintheconfidenceofprivateintercourse。Supposesomegentlereaderweretotrythismostsimpleandeasyreceipt——itseemstomealmostinfallible——andcometogriefinconsequence，andbefoundoutandhanged?ShouldIeverpardonmyselfforhavingbeenthemeansofdoinginjurytoasingleoneofouresteemedsubscribers?TheprescriptionwhereofIspeak——thatistosay，whereofIDON"Tspeak——shallbeburiedinthisbosom。No，Iamahumaneman。IamnotoneofyourBluebeardstogoandsaytomywife，“Mydear！IamgoingawayforafewdaystoBrighton。Hereareallthekeysofthehouse。Youmayopeneverydoorandcloset，excepttheoneattheendoftheoak-roomoppositethefireplace，withthelittlebronzeShakespeareonthemantel-piece(orwhatnot)。”Idon"tsaythistoawoman——unless，tobesure，Iwanttogetridofher——because，aftersuchacaution，Iknowshe"llpeepintothecloset。Isaynothingabouttheclosetatall。Ikeepthekeyinmypocket，andabeingwhomIlove，butwho，asIknow，hasmanyweaknesses，outofharm"sway。Youtossupyourhead，dearangel，drubonthegroundwithyourlovelylittlefeet，onthetablewithyoursweetrosyfingers，andcry，“Oh，sneerer！Youdon"tknowthedepthofwoman"sfeeling，theloftyscornofalldeceit，theentireabsenceofmeancuriosityinthesex，ornever，neverwouldyoulibelusso！“Ah，Delia！dear，dearDelia！ItisbecauseI

fancyIdoknowsomethingaboutyou(notall，mind——no，no；nomanknowsthat)——Ah，mybride，myringdove，myrose，mypoppet——choose，infact，whatevernameyoulike——bulbulofmygrove，fountainofmydesert，sunshineofmydarklinglife，andjoyofmydungeonedexistence，itisbecauseIDOknowalittleaboutyouthatI

concludetosaynothingofthatprivatecloset，andkeepmykeyinmypocket。Youtakeawaythatcloset-keythen，andthehouse-key。

YoulockDeliain。Youkeepheroutofharm"swayandgadding，andsosheneverCANbefoundout。

Andyetbylittlestrangeaccidentsandcoincidentshowwearebeingfoundouteveryday。YourememberthatoldstoryoftheAbbeKakatoes，whotoldthecompanyatsupperonenighthowthefirstconfessionheeverreceivedwas——fromamurdererletussay。

PresentlyenterstosuppertheMarquisdeCroquemitaine。

“Palsambleu，abbe！“saysthebrilliantmarquis，takingapinchofsnuff，“areyouhere?Gentlemenandladies！Iwastheabbe"sfirstpenitent，andImadehimaconfession，whichIpromiseyouastonishedhim。”

Tobesurehowqueerlythingsarefoundout！Hereisaninstance。

OnlytheotherdayIwaswritingintheseRoundaboutPapersaboutacertainman，whomIfacetiouslycalledBaggs，andwhohadabusedmetomyfriends，whoofcoursetoldme。Shortlyafterthatpaperwaspublishedanotherfriend——Sacksletuscallhim——scowlsfiercelyatmeasIamsittinginperfectgood-humorattheclub，andpassesonwithoutspeaking。Acut。Aquarrel。SacksthinksitisabouthimthatIwaswriting:whereas，uponmyhonorandconscience，Ineverhadhimonceinmymind，andwaspointingmymoralfromquiteanotherman。Butdon"tyousee，bythiswrathoftheguilty-

consciencedSacks，thathehadbeenabusingmetoo?Hehasownedhimselfguilty，neverhavingbeenaccused。Hehaswincedwhennobodythoughtofhittinghim。Ididbutputthecapout，andmadlybuttingandchafing，beholdmyfriendrushesouttoputhisheadintoit！Nevermind，Sacks，youarefoundout；butIbearyounomalice，myman。

Andyettobefoundout，Iknowfrommyownexperience，mustbepainfulandodious，andcruellymortifyingtotheinwardvanity。

SupposeIamapoltroon，letussay。Withfiercemoustache，loudtalk，plentifuloaths，andanimmensestick，Ikeepupneverthelessacharacterforcourage。Iswearfearfullyatcabmenandwomen；

brandishmybludgeon，andperhapsknockdownalittlemanortwowithit:bragoftheimageswhichIbreakattheshooting-gallery，andpassamongstmyfriendsforawhiskeryfire-eater，afraidofneithermannordragon。Ahme！SupposesomebrisklittlechapstepsupandgivesmeacaninginSt。James"sStreet，withalltheheadsofmyfriendslookingoutofalltheclubwindows。Myreputationisgone。Ifrightennomanmore。Mynoseispulledbywhipper-snappers，whojumpuponachairtoreachit。Iamfoundout。Andinthedaysofmytriumphs，whenpeoplewereyetafraidofme，andweretakeninbymyswagger，IalwaysknewthatIwasalily-liver，andexpectedthatIshouldbefoundoutsomeday。

Thatcertaintyofbeingfoundoutmusthauntanddepressmanyaboldbraggadociospirit。Letussayitisaclergyman，whocanpumpcopiousfloodsoftearsoutofhisowneyesandthoseofhisaudience。Hethinkstohimself，“Iambutapoorswindling，chatteringrogue。Mybillsareunpaid。IhavejiltedseveralwomenwhomIhavepromisedtomarry。Idon"tknowwhetherIbelievewhatIpreach，andIknowIhavestolentheverysermonoverwhichIhavebeensnivelling。Havetheyfoundmeout?“sayshe，ashisheaddropsdownonthecushion。

Thenyourwriter，poet，historian，novelist，orwhatnot?TheBeaconsaysthat“Jones"sworkisoneofthefirstorder。”TheLampdeclaresthat“Jones"stragedysurpasseseveryworksincethedaysofHimofAvon。”TheCometassertsthat“J"s"LifeofGoodyTwoshoes"isa[Greektextomitted]，anobleandenduringmonumenttothefameofthatadmirableEnglishwoman，“andsoforth。ButthenJonesknowsthathehaslentthecriticoftheBeaconfivepounds；

thathispublisherhasahalf-shareintheLamp；andthattheCometcomesrepeatedlytodinewithhim。Itisallverywell。Jonesisimmortaluntilheisfoundout；andthendowncomestheextinguisher，andtheimmortalisdeadandburied。Theidea(diesirae！)ofdiscoverymusthauntmanyaman，andmakehimuneasy，asthetrumpetsarepuffinginhistriumph。Brown，whohasahigherplacethanhedeserves，cowersbeforeSmith，whohasfoundhimout。Whatisachorusofcriticsshouting“Bravo?“——apublicclappinghandsandflinginggarlands?BrownknowsthatSmithhasfoundhimout。

Puff，trumpets！Wave，banners！Huzza，boys，fortheimmortalBrown！“Thisisallverywell，“B。thinks(bowingthewhile，smiling，layinghishandtohisheart)；“buttherestandsSmithatthewindow:HEhasmeasuredme；andsomedaytheotherswillfindmeouttoo。”Itisaverycurioussensationtositbyamanwhohasfoundyouout，andwho，asyouknow，hasfoundyouout；or，viceversa，tositwithamanwhomYOUhavefoundout。Histalent?Bah！

Hisvirtue?Weknowalittlestoryortwoabouthisvirtue，andheknowsweknowit。WearethinkingoverfriendRobinson"santecedents，aswegrin，bowandtalk；andwearebothhumbugstogether。Robinsonagoodfellow，ishe?YouknowhowhebehavedtoHicks?Agood-naturedman，ishe?PraydoyourememberthatlittlestoryofMrs。Robinson"sblackeye?Howmenhavetowork，totalk，tosmile，togotobed，andtryandsleep，withthisdreadofbeingfoundoutontheirconsciences！Bardolph，whohasrobbedachurch，andNym，whohastakenapurse，gototheirusualhaunts，andsmoketheirpipeswiththeircompanions。Mr。DetectiveBullseyeappeal"s，andsays，“Oh，Bardolph！Iwantyouaboutthattherepyxbusiness！“Mr。Bardolphknockstheashesoutofhispipe，putsouthishandstothelittlesteelcuffs，andwalksawayquitemeekly。Heisfoundout。Hemustgo。“Good-by，DollTearsheet！Good-by，Mrs。

Quickly，ma"am！“Theothergentlemenandladiesdelasocietelookonandexchangemuteadieuxwiththedepartingfriends。Andanassuredtimewillcomewhentheothergentlemenandladieswillbefoundouttoo。

Whatawonderfulandbeautifulprovisionofnatureithasbeenthat，forthemostpart，ourwomankindarenotendowedwiththefacultyoffindingusout！THEYdon"tdoubt，andprobe，andweigh，andtakeyourmeasure。Laydownthispaper，mybenevolentfriendandreader，gointoyourdrawing-roomnow，andutterajokeeversoold，andI

wagersixpencetheladiestherewillallbegintolaugh。GotoBrown"shouse，andtellMrs。Brownandtheyoungladieswhatyouthinkofhim，andseewhatawelcomeyouwillget！Inlikemanner，lethimcometoyourhouse，andtellYOURgoodladyhiscandidopinionofyou，andfancyhowshewillreceivehim！Wouldyouhaveyourwifeandchildrenknowyouexactlyforwhatyouare，andesteemyoupreciselyatyourworth?Ifso，myfriend，youwillliveinadrearyhouse，andyouwillhavebutachillyfireside。Doyousupposethepeoplerounditdon"tseeyourhomelyfaceasunderaglamour，and，asitwere，withahaloofloveroundit?Youdon"tfancyyouARE，asyouseemtothem?Nosuchthing，myman。Putawaythatmonstrousconceit，andbethankfulthatTHEYhavenotfoundyouout。

ONAHUNDREDYEARSHENCE。

WherehaveIjustreadofagameplayedatacountryhouse?Thepartyassemblesroundatablewithpens，ink，andpaper。Someonenarratesatalecontainingmoreorlessincidentsandpersonages。

Eachpersonofthecompanythenwritesdown，tothebestofhismemoryandability，theanecdotejustnarrated，andfinallythepapersaretobereadout。IdonotsayIshouldliketoplayoftenatthisgame，whichmightpossiblybeatediousandlengthypastime，notbyanymeanssoamusingassmokingacigarintheconservatory；

orevenlisteningtotheyoungladiesplayingtheirpiano-pieces；ortoHobbsandNobbslingeringroundthebottleandtalkingoverthemorning"srunwiththehoundsbutsurelyitisamoralandingenioussport。Theysaythevarietyofnarrativesisoftenveryoddandamusing。Theoriginalstorybecomessochangedanddistortedthatattheendofallthestatementsyouarepuzzledtoknowwherethetruthisatall。Astimeisofsmallimportancetothecheerfulpersonsengagedinthissport，perhapsagoodwayofplayingitwouldbetospreaditoveracoupleofyears。Letthepeoplewhoplayedthegamein"60allmeetandplayitoncemorein"61，andeachwritehisstoryoveragain。Thenbringoutyouroriginalandcomparenotes。Notonlywillthestoriesdifferfromeachother，butthewriterswillprobablydifferfromthemselves。Inthecourseoftheyeartheincidentswillgroworwilldwindlestrangely。Theleastauthenticofthestatementswillbesolivelyorsomalicious，orsoneatlyput，thatitwillappearmostlikethetruth。Ilikethesetalesandsportiveexercises。Ihadbegunalittleprintcollectiononce。IhadAddisoninhisnightgowninbedatHollandHouse，requestingyoungLordWarwicktoremarkhowaChristianshoulddie。IhadCambronneclutchinghiscockedhatandutteringtheimmortallaGardemeurtetneserendpas。Ihadthe“Vengeur“

goingdown，andallthecrewhurrayinglikemadmen。IhadAlfredtoastingthemuffin；Curtius(Haydon)jumpingintothegulf；withextractsfromNapoleon"sbulletins，andafineauthenticportraitofBaronMunchausen。

Whatmanwhohasbeenbeforethepublicatallhasnotheardsimilarwonderfulanecdotesregardinghimselfandhisownhistory?InthesehumbleessaykinsIhavetakenleavetoegotize。Icryoutabouttheshoeswhichpinchme，and，asIfancy，morenaturallyandpatheticallythanifmyneighbor"scornsweretroddenunderfoot。I

prattleaboutthedishwhichIlove，thewinewhichIlike，thetalkIheardyesterday——aboutBrown"sabsurdairs——Jones"sridiculouselationwhenhethinkshehascaughtmeinablunder(apartofthefun，yousee，isthatJoneswillreadthis，andwillperfectlywellknowthatImeanhim，andthatweshallmeetandgrinateachotherwithentirepoliteness。)Thisisnotthehighestkindofspeculation，Iconfess，butitisagossipwhichamusessomefolks。

Abriskandhonestsmall-beerwillrefreshthosewhodonotcareforthefrothyoutpouringsofheaviertaps。Atwoofclubsmaybeagood，handylittlecardsometimes，andabletotackleakingofdiamonds，ifitisalittletrump。Somephilosophersgettheirwisdomwithdeepthoughtandoutofponderouslibraries；Ipickupmysmallcrumbsofcogitationatadinner-table；orfromMrs。MaryandMissLouisa，astheyareprattlingovertheirfive-o"clocktea。

Well，yesterdayatdinnerJucunduswasgoodenoughtotellmeastoryaboutmyself，whichhehadheardfromaladyofhisacquaintance，towhomIsendmybestcompliments。Thetaleisthis。

Atnineo"clockontheeveningofthe31stofNovemberlast，justbeforesunset，IwasseenleavingNo。96，AbbeyRoad，St。John"sWood，leadingtwolittlechildrenbythehand，oneoftheminanankeenpelisse，andtheotherhavingamoleonthethirdfingerofhislefthand(shethinksitwasthethirdfinger，butisquitesureitwasthelefthand)。ThenceIwalkedwiththemtoCharlesBoroughbridge"s，porkandsausageman，No。29，UpperTheresaRoad。

Here，whilstIleftthelittlegirlinnocentlyeatingapolonyinthefrontshop，IandBoroughbridgeretiredwiththeboyintothebackparlor，whereMrs。Boroughbridgewasplayingcribbage。Sheputupthecardsandboxes，tookoutachopperandanapkin，andwecutthelittleboy"slittlethroat(whichheborewithgreatpluckandresolution)，andmadehimintosausage-meatbytheaidofPurkis"sexcellentsausage-machine。Thelittlegirlatfirstcouldnotunderstandherbrother"sabsence，but，underthepretenceoftakinghertoseeMr。FechterinHamlet，IledherdowntotheNewRiveratSadler"sWells，whereabodyofachildinanankeenpelissewassubsequentlyfound，andhasneverbeenrecognizedtothepresentday。AndthisMrs。Lynxcanaver，becauseshesawthewholetransactionwithherowneyes，asshetoldMr。Jucundus。

Ihavealteredthelittledetailsoftheanecdotesomewhat。Butthisstoryis，Ivowanddeclare，astrueasMrsLynx"s。Graciousgoodness！howdoliesbegin?Whataretheaveragesoflying?Isthesameamountofliestoldabouteveryman，anddoweprettymuchalltellthesameamountoflies?IstheaveragegreaterinIrelandthaninScotland，orviceversa——amongwomenthanamongmen?IsthisalieIamtellingnow?IfIamtalkingaboutyou，theoddsare，perhaps，thatitis。Ilookbackatsomewhichhavebeentoldaboutme，andspeculateonthemwiththanksandwonder。Dearfriendshavetoldthemofme，havetoldthemtomeofmyself。Havetheynottoandofyou，dearfriend?Afriendofminewasdiningatalargedinnerofclergymen，andastory，astrueasthesausagestoryabovegiven，wastoldregardingme，byoneofthosereverenddivines，inwhosefrocksitssomeanilechatter-boxes，asanymanwhoknowsthisworldknows。Theytaketheprivilegeoftheirgown。

Theycabal，andtattle，andhiss，andcacklecomminationsundertheirbreath。Isaytheoldwomenoftheothersexarenotmoretalkativeormoremischievousthansomeofthese。“Suchamanoughtnottobespokento，“saysGobemouche，narratingthestory——andsuchastory！“AndIamsurprisedheisadmittedintosocietyatall。”

Yes，dearGobemouche，butthestorywasn"ttrue；andIhadnomoredonethewickeddeedinquestionthanIhadrunawaywiththeQueenofSheba。

Ihavealwayslongedtoknowwhatthatstorywas(orwhatcollectionofhistories)，whichaladyhadinhermindtowhomaservantofmineappliedforaplace，whenIwasbreakingupmyestablishmentonceandgoingabroad。Brownwentwithaverygoodcharacterfromus，which，indeed，shefullydeservedafterseveralyears"faithfulservice。ButwhenMrs。JonesreadthenameofthepersonoutofwhoseemploymentBrowncame，“Thatisquitesufficient，“saysMrs。

Jones。“Youmaygo。IwillnevertakeaservantoutofTHAT

house。”Ah，Mrs。Jones，howIshouldliketoknowwhatthatcrimewas，orwhatthatseriesofvillanies，whichmadeyoudeterminenevertotakeaservantoutofmyhouse。Doyoubelieveinthestoryofthelittleboyandthesausages?Haveyouswallowedthatlittlemincedinfant?HaveyoudevouredthatyoungPolonius?Uponmywordyouhavemawenough。Wesomehowgreedilygobbledownallstoriesinwhichthecharactersofourfriendsarechoppedup，andbelievewrongofthemwithoutinquiry。Inalateserialworkwrittenbythishand，Iremembermakingsomepatheticremarksaboutourpropensitytobelieveillofourneighbors——andIremembertheremarks，notbecausetheywerevaluable，ornovel，oringenious，butbecause，withinthreedaysaftertheyhadappearedinprint，themoralistwhowrotethem，walkinghomewithafriend，heardastoryaboutanotherfriend，whichstoryhestraightwaybelieved，andwhichstorywasscarcelymoretruethanthatsausagefablewhichisheresetdown。Omeaculpa，meamaximaculpa！Butthoughthepreachertrips，shallnotthedoctrinebegood?Yea，brethren！Herebetherods。Lookyou，herearethescourges。Choosemeanicelong，swishing，buddyone，lightandwell-poisedinthehandle，thickandbushyatthetail。Pickmeoutawhip-cordthongwithsomedaintyknotsinit——andnow——wealldeserveit——whish，whish，whish！Letuscutintoeachotherallround。

AfavoriteliarandservantofminewasamanIoncehadtodriveabrougham。Henevercametomyhouse，exceptfororders，andoncewhenhehelpedtowaitatdinnersoclumsilythatitwasagreedwewoulddispensewithhisfurtherefforts。The(job)broughamhorseusedtolookdreadfullyleanandtired，andthelivery-stablekeepercomplainedthatweworkedhimtoohard。Now，itturnedoutthattherewasaneighboringbutcher"sladywholikedtorideinabrougham；andTomkinslentherours，drovehercheerfullytoRichmondandPutney，and，Isuppose，tookoutapaymentinmutton-

chops。WegavethisgoodTomkinswineandmedicineforhisfamilywhensick——wesuppliedhimwithlittlecomfortsandextraswhichneednotnowberemembered——andthegratefulcreaturerewardedusbyinformingsomeofourtradesmenwhomhehonoredwithhiscustom，“Mr。Roundabout?Lor"blessyou！Icarryhimuptobeddrunkeverynightintheweek。”He，Tomkins，beingamanofsevenstoneweightandfivefeethigh；whereashisemployerwas——butheremodestyinterferes，andIdeclinetoenterintotheavoirdupoisquestion。

Now，whatwasTomkins"smotivefortheutteranceanddisseminationoftheselies?Theycouldfurthernoconceivableendorinterestofhisown。Hadtheybeentruestories，Tomkins"smasterwouldstill，andreasonably，havebeenmoreangrythanatthefables。ItwasbutsuicidalslanderonthepartofTomkins——mustcometoadiscovery——

mustendinapunishment。Thepoorwretchhadgothisplaceunder，asitturnedout，afictitiouscharacter。Hemighthavestayedinit，forofcourseTomkinshadawifeandpoorinnocentchildren。Hemighthavehadbread，beer，bed，character，coats，coals。Hemighthavenestledinourlittleisland，comfortablyshelteredfromthestormsoflife；butwewerecompelledtocasthimout，andsendhimdriving，lonely，perishing，tossing，starving，tosea——todrown。Todrown?Therebeothermodesofdeathwherebyroguesdie。Good-by，Tomkins。Andsothenightcapisputon，andtheboltisdrawnforpoorT。

Supposeweweretoinvitevolunteersamongstourrespectedreaderstosendinlittlestatementsofthelieswhichtheyknowhavebeentoldaboutthemselves；whataheapofcorrespondence，whatanexaggerationofmalignities，whatacracklingbonfireofincendiaryfalsehoods，mightwenotgathertogether！Andalieoncesetgoing，havingthebreathoflifebreathedintoitbythefatheroflying，andorderedtorunitsdiabolicallittlecourse，liveswithaprodigiousvitality。Yousay，“Magnaestveritasetpraevalebit。”

Psha！Greatliesareasgreatasgreattruths，andprevailconstantly，anddayafterday。Takeaninstanceortwooutofmyownlittlebudget。Isitnearagentlemanatdinner，andtheconversationturnsuponacertainanonymousliteraryperformancewhichatthetimeisamusingthetown。“Oh，“saysthegentleman，“everybodyknowswhowrotethatpaper:itisMomus"s。”Iwasayoungauthoratthetime，perhapsproudofmybantling:“Ibegyourpardon，“Isay，“itwaswrittenbyyourhumbleservant。”“Indeed！“

wasallthatthemanreplied，andheshruggedhisshoulders，turnedhisback，andtalkedtohisotherneighbor。Ineverheardsarcasticincredulitymorefinelyconveyedthanbythat“indeed。”“Impudentliar，“thegentleman"sfacesaid，asclearasfacecouldspeak。

WherewasMagnaVeritas，andhowdidsheprevailthen?Shelifteduphervoice，shemadeherappeal，andshewaskickedoutofcourt。

InNewYorkIreadanewspapercriticismoneday(byanexilefromourshoreswhohastakenuphisabodeintheWesternRepublic)，commentinguponaletterofminewhichhadappearedinacontemporaryvolume，andwhereinitwasstatedthatthewriterwasaladinsuchandsuchayear，and，inpointoffact，Iwas，attheperiodspokenof，nineteenyearsofage。“Falsehood，Mr。Roundabout，“saysthenoblecritic:“Youwerethennotalad；youwerethensix-and-twentyyearsofage。”Youseeheknewbetterthanpapaandmammaandparishregister。ItwaseasierforhimtothinkandsayIlied，onatwopennymatterconnectedwithmyownaffairs，thantoimaginehewasmistaken。Yearsago，inatimewhenwewereverymadwags，ArcturusandmyselfmetagentlemanfromChinawhoknewthelanguage。WebegantospeakChineseagainsthim。WesaidwewereborninChina。Weweretwotoone。Wespokethemandarindialectwithperfectfluency。Wehadthecompanywithus；asintheold，olddays，thesqueakoftherealpigwasvotednottobesonaturalasthesqueakoftheshampig。OArcturus，theshampigsqueaksinourstreetsnowtotheapplauseofmultitudes，andtherealporkergruntsunheededinhissty！

Ioncetalkedforsomelittletimewithanamiablelady:itwasforthefirsttime；andIsawanexpressionofsurpriseonherkindface，whichsaidasplainlyasfacecouldsay，“Sir，doyouknowthatuptothismomentIhavehadacertainopinionofyou，andthatIbegintothinkIhavebeenmistakenormisled?“Inotonlyknowthatshehadheardevilreportsofme，butIknowwhotoldher——oneofthoseacutefellows，mydearbrethren，ofwhomwespokeinaprevioussermon，whohasfoundmeout——foundoutactionswhichI

neverdid，foundoutthoughtsandsayingswhichIneverspoke，andjudgedmeaccordingly。Ah，mylad！haveIfoundYOUout?Orisumteneatis。PerhapsthepersonIamaccusingisnomoreguiltythanI。

Howcomesitthattheevilwhichmensayspreadssowidelyandlastssolong，whilstourgood，kindwordsdon"tseemsomehowtotakerootandbearblossom?Isitthatinthestonyheartsofmankindtheseprettyflowerscan"tfindaplacetogrow?Certainitisthatscandalisgood，brisktalk，whereaspraiseofone"sneighborisbynomeanslivelyhearing。Anacquaintancegrilled，scored，devilled，andservedwithmustardandcayennepepper，excitestheappetite；

whereasasliceofcoldfriendwithcurrantjellyisbutasickly，unrelishingmeat。

Now，suchbeingthecase，mydearworthyMrs。Candor，inwhomIknowthereareahundredgoodandgenerousqualities:itbeingperfectlyclearthatthegoodthingswhichwesayofourneighborsdon"tfructify，butsomehowperishinthegroundwheretheyaredropped，whilsttheevilwordsarewaftedbyallthewindsofscandal，takerootinallsods，andflourishamazingly——seeing，Isay，thatthisconversationdoesnotgiveusafairchance，supposewegiveupcensoriousnessaltogether，anddeclineutteringouropinionsaboutBrown，Jones，andRobinson(andMesdamesB。，J。，andR。)atall。Wemaybemistakenabouteveryoneofthem，as，pleasegoodness，thoseanecdote-mongersagainstwhomIhaveutteredmymeekprotesthavebeenmistakenaboutme。WeneednotgototheextentofsayingthatMrs。Manningwasanamiablecreature，muchmisunderstood；andJackThurtellagallant，unfortunatefellow，notnearsoblackashewaspainted；butwewilltryandavoidpersonalitiesaltogetherintalk，won"twe?Wewillrangethefieldsofscience，dearmadam，andcommunicatetoeachotherthepleasingresultsofourstudies。Wewill，ifyouplease，examinetheinfinitesimalwondersofnaturethroughthemicroscope。Wewillcultivateentomology。Wewillsitwithourarmsroundeachother"swaistsontheponsasinorum，andseethestreamofmathematicsflowbeneath。Wewilltakerefugeincards，andplayat“beggarmyneighbor，“notabusemyneighbor。WewillgototheZoologicalGardensandtalkfreelyaboutthegorillaandhiskindred，butnottalkaboutpeoplewhocantalkintheirturn。SupposewepraisetheHighChurch?weoffendtheLowChurch。

TheBroadChurch?HighandLowarebothoffended。WhatdoyouthinkofLordDerbyasapolitician?AndwhatisyouropinionofLordPalmerston?Ifyouplease，willyouplaymethoselovelyvariationsof“Inmycottagenearawood?“Itisacharmingair(youknowitinFrench，Isuppose?Ah！tedirai-je，maman！)andwasafavoritewithpoorMarieAntoinette。Isay“poor，“becauseIhavearighttospeakwithpityofasovereignwhowasrenownedforsomuchbeautyandsomuchmisfortune。Butasforgivinganyopiniononherconduct，sayingthatshewasgoodorbad，orindifferent，goodnessforbid！Wehaveagreedwewillnotbecensorious。Letushaveagameatcards——atecarte，ifyouplease。Youdeal。Iaskforcards。Ileadthedeuceofclubs……

What?thereisnodeuce！Deucetakeit！What?PeopleWILLgoontalkingabouttheirneighbors，andwon"thavetheirmouthsstoppedbycards，oreversomuchmicroscopesandaquariums?Ah，mypoordearMrs。Candor，Iagreewithyou。Bytheway，didyoueverseeanythinglikeLadyGodivaTrotter"sdresslastnight?PeopleWILL

goonchattering，althoughweholdourtongues；and，afterall，mygoodsoul，whatwilltheirscandalmatterahundredyearshence?

SMALL-BEERCHRONICLE。

Notlongsince，atacertainbanquet，IhadthegoodfortunetositbyDoctorPolymathesis，whoknowseverything，andwho，aboutthetimewhentheclaretmadeitsappearance，mentionedthatolddictumofthegrumblingOxfordDon，that“ALLCLARETwouldbeportifitcould！“Imbibingabumperofoneortheothernotungratefully，I

thoughttomyself，“Heresurely，Mr。Roundabout，isagoodtextforoneofyourreverence"ssermons。”Letusapplytothehumanrace，dearbrethren，whatisheresaidofthevintagesofPortugalandGascony，andweshallhavenodifficultyinperceivinghowmanyclaretsaspiretobeportsintheirway；howmostmenandwomenofouracquaintance，howweourselves，areAquitaniansgivingourselvesLusitanianairs；howwewishtohavecreditforbeingstronger，braver，morebeautiful，moreworthythanwereallyare。

Nay，thebeginningofthishypocrisy——adesiretoexcel，adesiretobehearty，fruity，generous，strength-imparting——isavirtuousandnobleambition；anditismostdifficultforamaninhisowncase，orhisneighbor"s，tosayatwhatpointthisambitiontransgressestheboundaryofvirtue，andbecomesvanity，pretence，andself-

seeking。Youareapoorman，letussay，showingaboldfacetoadversefortune，andwearingaconfidentaspect。Yourpurseisverynarrow，butyouowenomanapenny；yourmeansarescanty，butyourwife"sgownisdecent；youroldcoatwellbrushed；yourchildrenatagoodschool；yougrumbletonoone；askfavorsofnoone；truckletononeighborsonaccountoftheirsuperiorrank，or(aworse，andameaner，andamorecommoncrimestill)envynonefortheirbetterfortune。Toalloutwardappearancesyouareaswelltodoasyourneighbors，whohavethriceyourincome。Theremaybeinthiscasesomelittlemixtureofpretensioninyourlifeandbehavior。YoucertainlyDOputonasmilingfacewhilstfortuneispinchingyou。

Yourwifeandgirls，sosmartandneatateveningparties，arecutting，patching，andcobblingalldaytomakebothendsoflife"shaberdasherymeet。Yougiveafriendabottleofwineonoccasion，butarecontentyourselfwithaglassofwhiskey-and-water。Youavoidacab，sayingthatofallthingsyouliketowalkhomeafterdinner(whichyouknow，mygoodfriend，isafib)。Igrantyouthatinthisschemeoflifetheredoesentereversolittlehypocrisy；

thatthisclaretisloaded，asitwere；butyourdesiretoPORTIFY

yourselfisamiable，ispardonable，isperhapshonorable:andweretherenootherhypocrisiesthanyoursintheworldweshouldbeasetofworthyfellows；andsermonizers，moralizers，satirizers，wouldhavetoholdtheirtongues，andgotosomeothertradetogetaliving。

ButyouknowyouWILLstepoverthatboundarylineofvirtueandmodesty，intothedistrictwherehumbugandvanitybegin，andtherethemoralizercatchesyouandmakesanexampleofyou。Forinstance，inacertainnovelinanotherplacemyfriendMr。TalbotTwysdenismentioned——amanwhomyouandIknowtobeawretchedordinaire，butwhopersistsintreatinghimselfasifhewasthefinest"20port。InourBritaintherearehundredsofmenlikehim；

foreverstrivingtoswellbeyondtheirnaturalsize，tostrainbeyondtheirnaturalstrength，tostepbeyondtheirnaturalstride。

Search，searchwithinyourownwaistcoats，dearbrethren——YOUknowinyourhearts，whichofyourordinairequalitiesyouwouldpassoff，andfainconsiderasfirst-rateport。Andwhynotyouyourself，Mr。Preacher?saysthecongregation。Dearlybeloved，neitherinoroutofthispulpitdoIprofesstobebigger，orcleverer，orwiser，orbetterthananyofyou。Ashortwhilesince，acertainReviewerannouncedthatIgavemyselfgreatpretensionsasaphilosopher。Iaphilosopher！Iadvancepretensions！MydearSaturdayfriend。Andyou?Don"tyouteacheverythingtoeverybody?

andpunishthenaughtyboysiftheydon"tlearnasyoubidthem?

YouteachpoliticstoLordJohnandMr。Gladstone。Youteachpoetshowtowrite；painters，howtopaint；gentlemen，manners；andopera-

dancers，howtopirouette。IwasnotalittleamusedoflatebyaninstanceofthemodestyofourSaturdayfriend，who，moreAthenianthantheAthenians，andaproposofaGreekbookbyaGreekauthor，satdownandgravelyshowedtheGreekgentlemanhowtowritehisownlanguage。

No，Idonot，asfarasIknow，trytobeportatall；butofferinthesepresents，asoundgenuineordinaire，at18s。perdoz。letussay，grownonmyownhillside，andoffereddeboncoeurtothosewhowillsitdownundermytonnelle，andhaveahalf-hour"sdrinkandgossip。Itisnoneofyourhotporto，myfriend。Iknowthereismuchbetterandstrongerliquorelsewhere。Somepronounceitsour:

somesayitisthin；somethatithaswofullylostitsflavor。Thismayormaynotbetrue。Therearegoodandbadyears；yearsthatsurpriseeverybody；yearsofwhichtheproduceissmallandbad，orrichandplentiful。Butifmytapisnotgenuineitisnaught，andnomanshouldgivehimselfthetroubletodrinkit。IdonotevensaythatIwouldbeportifIcould；knowingthatport(bywhichI

wouldimplymuchstronger，deeper，richer，andmoredurableliquorthanmyvineyardcanfurnish)isnotrelishedbyallpalates，orsuitabletoallheads。Wewillassumethen，dearbrother，thatyouandIaretolerablymodestpeople；and，ourselvesbeingthusoutofthequestion，proceedtoshowhowpretentiousourneighborsare，andhowverymanyofthemwouldbeportiftheycould。

Haveyouneverseenasmallmanfromcollegeplacedamongstgreatfolk，andgivinghimselftheairsofamanoffashion?HegoesbacktohiscommonroomwithfondreminiscencesofErmineCastleorStrawberryHall。Hewritestothedearcountess，tosaythatdearLordLollypopisgettingonverywellatSt。Boniface，andthattheaccidentwhichhemetwithinascufflewithaninebriatedbargemanonlyshowedhisspiritandhonor，andwillnotpermanentlydisfigurehislordship"snose。HegetshisclothesfromdearLollypop"sLondontailor，andwearsamauveormagentatiewhenheridesouttoseethehounds。Aloveoffashionablepeopleisaweakness，Idonotsayofall，butofsometutors。WitnessthatEtontutort"otherday，whointimatedthatinCornhillwecouldnotunderstandtheperfectpurity，delicacy，andrefinementofthosegenteelfamilieswhosenttheirsonstoEton。Ousher，monami！OldSamJohnson，who，too，hadbeenanusherinhisearlylife，keptalittleofthatweaknessalways。SupposeGoldsmithhadknockedhimupatthreeinthemorningandproposedaboattoGreenwich，asTophamBeauclercandhisfrienddid，wouldhehavesaid，“What，myboy，areyouforafrolic?I"mwithyou！“andgoneandputonhisclothes?RatherhewouldhavepitchedpoorGoldsmithdownstairs。Hewouldhavelikedtobeportifhecould。OfcourseWEwouldn"t。OuropinionofthePortugalgrapeisknown。Itgrowsveryhigh，andisverysour，andwedon"tgoforthatkindofgrapeatall。

“IwaswalkingwithMr。Fox“——andsurethisanecdotecomesverypatafterthegrapes——“IwaswalkingwithMr。FoxintheLouvre，“saysBenjaminWest(apudsomepaperIhavejustbeenreading)，“andI

remarkedhowmanypeopleturnedroundtolookatME。ThisshowstherespectoftheFrenchforthefinearts。”Thisisacuriousinstanceofaverysmallclaretindeed，whichimagineditselftobeportofthestrongestbody。Therearenotmanyinstancesofafaithsodeep，sosimple，sosatisfactoryasthis。Ihavemetmanywhowouldliketobeport；butwithfewoftheGasconsort，whoabsolutelybelievedtheyWEREport。GeorgeIII。believedinWest"sportandthoughtReynolds"soverratedstuff。WhenIsawWest"spicturesatPhiladelphia，Ilookedatthemwithastonishmentandawe。Hide，blushingglory，hideyourheadunderyouroldnightcap。

Oimmortality！isthistheendofyou?Didanyofyou，mydearbrethren，evertryandread“Blackmore"sPoems，“orthe“EpicsofBaour-Lormian，“orthe“Henriade，“or——whatshallwesay?——Pollok"s“CourseofTime?“Theywerethoughttobemorelastingthanbrassbysomepeople，andwherearetheynow?AndOURmasterpiecesofliterature——OURpoets——that，ifnotimmortal，atanyrate，aretolasttheirfifty，theirhundredyears——oh，sirs，don"tyouthinkaverysmallcellarwillholdthem?

Thosepoorpeopleinbrass，onpedestals，hectoringaboutTrafalgarSquareandthatneighborhood，don"tyouthinkmanyofthem——apartevenfromtheridiculousexecution——cutratheraridiculousfigure，andthatwearetooeagertosetupourordinaireheroismandtalentforport?ADukeofWellingtonortwoIwillgrant，thoughevenoftheseidolsamoderatesupplywillbesufficient。SomeyearsagoafamousandwittyFrenchcriticwasinLondon，withwhomIwalkedthestreets。IamashamedtosaythatIinformedhim(beinginhopesthathewasabouttowritesomepapersregardingthemannersandcustomsofthiscountry)thatallthestatueshesawrepresentedtheDukeofWellington。ThatonthearchoppositeApsleyHouse?theDukeinacloak，andcockedhat，onhorseback。ThatbehindApsleyHouseinanairyfig-leafcostume?theDukeagain。ThatinCockspurStreet?theDukewithapigtail——andsoon。IshowedhimanarmyofDukes。Therearemanybronzeheroeswhoafterafewyearslookalreadyasfoolish，awkward，andoutofplaceasaman，sayatShoolbred"sorSwanandEdgar"s。Forexample，thosethreeGrenadiersinPallMall，whohavebeenuponlyafewmonths，don"tyoupitythoseunhappyhouseholdtroops，whohavetostandfrowningandlookingfiercethere；andthinktheywouldliketostepdownandgotobarracks?Thattheyfoughtverybravelythereisnodoubt；

butsodidtheRussiansfightverybravely；andtheFrenchfightverybravely；andsodidColonelJonesandthe99th，andColonelBrownandthe100th；andIsayagainthatordinaireshouldnotgiveitselfportairs，andthatanhonestordinairewouldblushtobefoundswaggeringso。IamsureifyoucouldconsulttheDukeofYork，whoisimpaledonhiscolumnbetweenthetwoclubs，andaskhislateRoyalHighnesswhetherhethoughtheoughttoremainthere，hewouldsayno。Abrave，worthyman，notabraggartorboaster，tobeputuponthatheroicperchmustbepainfultohim。LordGeorgeBentinck，Isuppose，beinginthemidstofthefamilyparkinCavendishSquare，mayconceivethathehasarighttoremaininhisplace。ButlookatWilliamofCumberland，withhishatcockedoverhiseye，prancingbehindLordGeorgeonhisRoman-nosedcharger；he，dependonit，wouldbeforgettingoffhishorseifhehadthepermission。Hedidnothesitateabouttrifles，asweknow；buthewasaverytruth-tellingandhonorablesoldier:andasforheroicrankandstatuesquedignity，Iwouldwageradozenof"20portagainstabottleofpureandsoundBordeaux，at18s。perdozen(bottlesincluded)，thatheneverwouldthinkofclaiminganysuchabsurddistinction。TheyhavegotastatueofThomasMooreatDublin，Ihear。Isheonhorseback?Somemenshouldhave，say，afiftyyears"leaseofglory。Afterawhilesomegentlemennowinbrassshouldgotothemeltingfurnace，andreappearinsomeothergentleman"sshape。LatelyIsawthatMelvillecolumnrisingoverEdinburgh；come，goodmenandtrue，don"tyoufeelalittleawkwardanduneasywhenyouwalkunderit?Whowasthistostandinheroicplaces?andisyonthemanwhomScotchmenmostdelighttohonor?I

mustowndeferentiallythatthereisatendencyinNorthBritaintoover-esteemitsheroes。Scotchaleisverygoodandstrong，butitisnotstrongerthanalltheotherbeerintheworld，assomeScottishpatriotswouldinsist。Whentherehasbeenawar，andstoutoldSandySansculottereturnshomefromIndiaorCrimea，whatabagpiping，shouting，hurraying，andself-glorificationtakesplaceroundabouthim！Youwouldfancy，tohearMcOratorafterdinner，thattheScotchhadfoughtallthebattles，killedalltheRussians，Indianrebels，orwhatnot。InCupar-Fife，there"salittleinncalledthe“BattleofWaterloo，“andwhatdoyouthinkthesignis?

(Isketchfrommemory，tobesure。)*“TheBattleofWaterloo“isonebroadScotchmanlayingabouthimwithabroadsword。Yes，yes，mydearMac，youarewise，youaregood，youareclever，youarehandsome，youarebrave，youarerich，&c。；butsoisJonesovertheborder。Scotchsalmonisgood，butthereareothergoodfishinthesea。IonceheardaScotchmanlectureonpoetryinLondon。OfcoursethepiecesheselectedwerechieflybyScottishauthors，andWalterScottwashisfavoritepoet。Iwhisperedtomyneighbor，whowasaScotchman(bytheway，theaudiencewerealmostallScotch，andtheroomwasAll-Mac"s——Ibegyourpardon，butIcouldn"thelpit，Ireallycouldn"thelpit)——“TheprofessorhassaidthebestpoetwasaScotchman:IwagerthathewillsaytheworstpoetwasaScotchman，too。”Andsureenoughthatworstpoet，whenhemadehisappearance，wasaNorthernBriton。

*Thisreferstoanillustratededitionofthework。】】

Andaswearetalkingofbragging，andIamonmytravels，canI

forgetonemightyrepublic——one——twomightyrepublics，wherepeoplearenotoriouslyfondofpassingofftheirclaretforport?Iamveryglad，forthesakeofakindfriend，thatthereisagreatandinfluentialpartyintheUnited，and，Itrust，intheConfederateStates，*whobelievethatCatawbawineisbetterthanthebestChampagne。OppositethatfamousoldWhiteHouseatWashington，whereofIshalleverhaveagratefulmemory，theyhavesetupanequestrianstatueofGeneralJackson，byaself-taughtAmericanartistofnoinconsiderablegeniusandskill。Atanevening-partyamemberofCongressseizedmeinacorneroftheroom，andaskedmeifIdidnotthinkthiswasTHEFINESTEQUESTRIANSTATUEINTHE

WORLD?HowwasItodealwiththisplainquestion，puttomeinacorner?Iwasboundtoreply，andaccordinglysaidthatIdidNOT

thinkitwasthefineststatueintheworld。“Well，sir，“saystheMemberofCongress，“butyoumustrememberthatMr。M——hadneverseenastatuewhenhemadethis！“IsuggestedthattoseeotherstatuesmightdoMr。M——noharm。Norwasanymanmorewillingtoownhisdefects，ormoremodestregardinghismerits，thanthesculptorhimself，whomImetsubsequently。Butoh！whatacharmingarticletherewasinaWashingtonpapernextdayabouttheimpertinenceofcriticismandoffensivetoneofarrogancewhichEnglishmenadoptedtowardsmenandworksofgeniusinAmerica！“Whowasthisman，who“&c。&c。?TheWashingtonwriterwasangrybecauseIwouldnotacceptthisAmericanclaretasthefinestport-wineintheworld。Ahme！Itisaboutbloodandnotwinethatthequarrelnowis，andwhoshallforetellitsend?

*WritteninJuly，1861。

Howmuchclaretthatwouldbeportifitcouldishandedaboutineverysociety！IntheHouseofCommonswhatsmall-beeroratorstrytopassforstrong?Stay:haveIaspiteagainstanyone?ItisafactthatthewifeoftheMemberforBungayhasleftoffaskingmeandMrs。Roundabouttoherevening-parties。Nowisthetimetohaveaslapathim。Iwillsaythathewasalwaysoverrated，andthatnowheislamentablyfallingoffevenfromwhathehasbeen。IwillbacktheMemberforStokePogesagainsthim；andshowthatthedashingyoungMemberforIslingtonisafarsoundermanthaneither。

HaveIanylittleliteraryanimosities?Ofcoursenot。Menoflettersneverhave。Otherwise，howIcouldserveoutacompetitorhere，makeafaceoverhisworks，andshowthatthiswould-beportisverymeagreordinaireindeed！Nonsense，man！Whysosqueamish?

DotheyspareYOU！Nowyouhavethewhipinyourhand，won"tyoulayon?Youusedtobeaprettywhipenoughasayoungman，andlikedittoo。Istherenoenemywhowouldbethebetterforalittlethonging?No。Ihavemilitatedinformertimes，notwithoutglory；butIgrowpeaceableasIgrowold。AndifIhavealiteraryenemy，why，hewillprobablywriteabookerelong，andthenitwillbeHISturn，andmyfavoritereviewwillbedownuponhim。

Mybrethren，thesesermonsareprofessedlyshort；forIhavethatopinionofmydearcongregation，whichleadsmetothinkthatwereI

topreachatgreatlengththeywouldyawn，stamp，makenoises，andperhapsgostraightwayoutofchurch；andyetwiththistextI

protestIcouldgoonforhours。Whatmultitudesofmen，whatmultitudesofwomen，mydears，passofftheirordinaireforport，theirsmallbeerforstrong！Inliterature，inpolitics，inthearmy，thenavy，thechurch，atthebar，intheworld，whatanimmensequantityofcheapliquorismadetodoserviceforbettersorts！AskSerjeantRolandhisopinionofOliverQ。C。“Ordinaire，mygoodfellow，ordinaire，withaport-winelabel！“AskOliverhisopinionofRoland。“Neverwasamansooverratedbytheworldandbyhimself。”AskTweedledumskihisopinionofTweedledeestein"sperformance。“Aquack，mytearsir！anignoramus，Igeefyoumyvort?Hegomboseanopera！Heisnotfittomakedanceabear！“

AskPaddingtonandBuckminster，thosetwo“swells“offashion，whattheythinkofeachother?Theyarenotoriousordinaire。YouandI

rememberwhentheypassedforverysmallwine，andnowhowhighandmightytheyhavebecome。WhatdoyousaytoTomkins"ssermons?

Ordinaire，tryingtogodownasorthodoxport，andverymeagreordinairetoo！ToHopkins"shistoricalworks?——toPumkins"spoetry?

Ordinaire，ordinaireagain——thin，feeble，overrated；andsodownthewholelist。Andwhenwehavedonediscussingourmenfriends，havewenotallthewomen?Dothesenotadvanceabsurdpretensions?Dothesenevergivethemselvesairs?Withfeeblebrains，don"ttheyoftensetuptobeespritsforts?Don"ttheypretendtobewomenoffashion，andcuttheirbetters?Don"ttheytryandpassofftheirordinary-lookinggirlsasbeautiesofthefirstorder?Everymaninhiscircleknowswomenwhogivethemselvesairs，andtowhomwecanapplytheport-winesimile。

Come，myfriends。Hereisenoughofordinaireandportforto-day。

Mybottlehasrunout。Willanybodyhaveanymore?Letusgoupstairs，andgetacupofteafromtheladies。

OGRES。

Idaresaythereaderhasremarkedthattheuprightandindependentvowel，whichstandsinthevowel-listbetweenEandO，hasformedthesubjectofthemainpartoftheseessays。Howdoesthatvowelfeelthismorning?——fresh，good-humored，andlively?TheRoundaboutlines，whichfallfromthispen，arecorrespondinglybriskandcheerful。Hasanything，onthecontrary，disagreedwiththevowel?

Hasitsrestbeendisturbed，orwasyesterday"sdinnertoogood，oryesterday"swinenotgoodenough?Undersuchcircumstances，adarkling，misanthropictinge，nodoubt，iscastuponthepaper。Thejokes，ifattempted，areelaborateanddreary。Thebittertemperbreaksout。Thatsneeringmannerisadopted，whichyouknow，andwhichexhibitsitselfsoespeciallywhenthewriterisspeakingaboutwomen。Amoodycarelessnesscomesoverhim。Heseesnogoodinanybodyorthing:andtreatsgentlemen，ladies，history，andthingsingeneral，withalikegloomyflippancy。Agreed。Whenthevowelinquestionisinthatmood，ifyoulikeairygayetyandtendergushingbenevolence——ifyouwanttobesatisfiedwithyourselfandtherestofyourfellow-beings；Irecommendyou，mydearcreature，togotosomeothershopinCornhill，orturntosomeotherarticle。Therearemoodsinthemindofthevowelofwhichwearespeaking，whenitisill-conditionedandcaptious。Whoalwayskeepsgoodhealth，andgoodhumor?Donotphilosophersgrumble?

Arenotsagessometimesoutoftemper?anddonotangel-womengooffintantrums?To-daymymoodisdark。IscowlasIdipmypenintheinkstand。

Hereisthedaycomeround——foreverythinghereisdonewiththeutmostregularity:——intellectuallabor，sixteenhours；meals，thirty-twominutes；exercise，ahundredandforty-eightminutes；

conversationwiththefamily，chieflyliterary，andaboutthehousekeeping，onehourandfourminutes；sleep，threehoursandfifteenminutes(attheendofthemonth，whentheMagazineiscomplete，IownItakeeightminutesmore)；andtherestforthetoiletteandtheworld。Well，Isay，theRoundaboutPaperDaybeingcome，andthesubjectlongsincesettledinmymind，anexcellentsubject——amosttelling，lively，andpopularsubject——Igotobreakfastdeterminedtofinishthatmealin93/4minutes，asusual，andthenretiretomydeskandwork，when——oh，provoking！——hereinthepaperistheverysubjecttreated，onwhichIwasgoingtowrite！YesterdayanotherpaperwhichIsawtreatedit——andofcourse，asIneednottellyou，spoiledit。LastSaturday，anotherpaperhadanarticleonthesubject；perhapsyoumayguesswhatitwas——butIwon"ttellyou。Onlythisistrue，myfavoritesubject，whichwasabouttomakethebestpaperwehavehadforalongtime:

mybird，mygamethatIwasgoingtoshootandserveupwithsuchadelicatesauce，hasbeenfoundbyothersportsmen；andpop，pop，pop，ahalf-dozenofgunshavebangedatit，mangledit，andbroughtitdown。

“Andcan"tyoutakesomeothertext?“sayyou。Allthisismightywell。Butifyouhavesetyourheartonacertaindishfordinner，beitcoldboiledveal，orwhatyouwill，andtheybringyouturtleandvenison，don"tyoufeeldisappointed?Duringyourwalkyouhavebeenmakingupyourmindthatthatcoldmeat，withmoderationandapickle，willbeaverysufficientdinner:youhaveaccustomedyourthoughtstoit；andhere，inplaceofit，isaturkey，surroundedbycoarsesausages，orareekingpigeon-pieorafulsomeroast-pig。I

haveknownmanyagoodandkindmanmadefuriouslyangrybysuchacontretemps。Ihaveknownhimlosehistemper，callhiswifeandservantsnames，andawholehouseholdmademiserable。If，then，asisnotoriouslythecase，itistoodangeroustobalkamanabouthisdinner，howmuchmoreabouthisarticle?Icametomymealwithanogre-likeappetiteandgusto。Fee，faw，fum！Wife，whereisthattenderlittlePrincekin?Haveyoutrussedhim，anddidyoustuffhimnicely，andhaveyoutakencaretobastehimanddohim，nottoobrown，asItoldyou?Quick！Iamhungry！Ibegintowhetmyknife，torollmyeyesabout，androarandclapmyhugechestlikeagorilla；andthenmypoorOgrinahastotellmethatthelittleprinceshaveallrunaway，whilstshewasinthekitchen，makingthepastetobakethemin！Ipauseinthedescription。Iwon"tcondescendtoreportthebadlanguage，whichyouknowmustensue，whenanogre，whosemindisillregulated，andwhosehabitsofself-

indulgencearenotorious，findshimselfdisappointedofhisgreedyhopes。Whattreatmentofhiswife，whatabuseandbrutalbehaviortohischildren，who，thoughogrillons，arechildren！Mydears，youmayfancy，andneednotaskmydelicatepentodescribe，thelanguageandbehaviorofavulgar，coarse，greedy，largemanwithanimmensemouthandteeth，whicharetoofrequentlyemployedinthegobblingandcrunchingofrawman"smeat。

AndinthiscircuitouswayyouseeIhavereachedmypresentsubject，whichis，Ogres。Youfancytheyaredeadoronlyfictitiouscharacters——mythicalrepresentativesofstrength，cruelty，stupidity，andlustforblood?Thoughtheyhadseven-

leaguedboots，yourememberallsortsoflittlewhipping-snappingTomThumbsusedtoeludeandoutrunthem。Theyweresostupidthattheygaveintothemostshallowambuscadesandartifices:witnessthatwell-knownogre，who，becauseJackcutopenthehasty-pudding，instantlyrippedopenhisownstupidwaistcoatandinterior。Theywerecruel，brutal，disgusting，withtheirsharpenedteeth，immenseknives，androaringvoices！buttheyalwaysendedbybeingovercomebylittleTomThumbkins，orsomeothersmartlittlechampion。

Yes；theywereconqueredintheendthereisnodoubt。Theyplungedheadlong(andutteringthemostfrightfulbadlanguage)intosomepitwhereJackcamewithhissmartcouteaudechasseandwhippedtheirbrutalheadsoff。Theywouldbegoingtodevourmaidens，“ButeverwhenitseemedTheirneedwasatthesorest，Aknight，inarmorbright，Cameridingthroughtheforest。”

Anddown，afteracombat，wouldgothebrutalpersecutor，withalancethroughhismidriff。Yes，Isay，thisisverytrueandwell。

Butyourememberthatroundtheogre"scavethegroundwascovered，forhundredsandhundredsofyards，WITHTHEBONESOFTHEVICTIMS

whomhehadluredintothecastle。Manyknightsandmaidscametohimandperishedunderhisknifeandteeth。Weredragonsthesameasogres?monstersdwellingincaverns，whencetheyrushed，attiredinplatearmor，wieldingpikesandtorches，anddestroyingstraypassengerswhopassedbytheirlair?Monsters，brutes，rapacioustyrants，ruffians，astheywere，doubtlesstheyendedbybeingovercome。But，beforetheyweredestroyed，theydidadealofmischief。Thebonesroundtheircaveswerecountless。TheyhadsentmanybravesoulstoHades，beforetheirownfled，howlingoutoftheirrascalcarcasses，tothesameplaceofgloom。

Thereisnogreatermistakethantosupposethatfairies，champions，distresseddamsels，andbyconsequenceogres，haveceasedtoexist。

ItmaynotbeOGREABLEtothem(pardonthehorriblepleasantry，butasIamwritinginthesolitudeofmychamber，Iamgrindingmyteeth——yelling，roaring，andcursing——brandishingmyscissorsandpaper-cutter，andasitwere，havebecomeanogre)。Isaythereisnogreatermistakethantosupposethatogreshaveceasedtoexist。

WeallKNOWogres。Theircavernsareroundus，andaboutus。TherearethecastlesofseveralogreswithinamileofthespotwhereI

write。IthinksomeofthemsuspectIamanogremyself。Iamnot:

butIknowtheyare。Ivisitthem。Idon"tmeantosaythattheytakeacoldroastprinceoutofthecupboard，andhaveacannibalfeastbeforeME。ButIseetheboneslyingabouttheroadstotheirhouses，andintheareasandgardens。Politeness，ofcourse，preventsmefrommakinganyremarks；butIknowthemwellenough。

Oneofthewaystoknow"emistowatchthescaredlooksoftheogres"wivesandchildren。Theyleadanawfullife。Theyarepresentatdreadfulcruelties。Intheirexcessesthoseogreswillstababout，andkillnotonlystrangerswhohappentocallinandaskanight"slodging，buttheywilloutrage，murder，andchopuptheirownkin。Weallknowogres，Isay，andhavebeenintheirdensoften。ItisnotnecessarythatogreswhoaskyoutodineshouldoffertheirgueststhePECULIARDISHwhichtheylike。TheycannotalwaysgetaTomThumbfamily。Theyeatmuttonandbeeftoo；

andIdaresayevengoouttotea，andinviteyoutodrinkit。ButItellyoutherearenumbersofthemgoingaboutintheworld。Andnowyouhavemywordforit，andthislittlehint，itisquitecuriouswhataninterestsocietymaybemadetohaveforyou，byyourdeterminingtofindouttheogresyoumeetthere。

Whatdoesthemanmean?saysMrs。Downright，towhomajokeisaverygravething。Imean，madam，thatinthecompanyassembledinyourgenteeldrawing-room，whobowhereandthereandsmirkinwhiteneck-cloths，youreceivemenwhoelbowthroughlifesuccessfullyenough，butwhoareogresinprivate:menwicked，false，rapacious，flattering；cruelhectorsathome，smilingcourtiersabroad；causingwives，children，servants，parents，totremblebeforethem，andsmilingandbowingastheybidstrangerswelcomeintotheircastles。

Isay，therearemenwhohavecrunchedthebonesofvictimaftervictim；inwhoseclosetslieskeletonspickedfrightfullyclean。