第3章

Butwhilsthewastalkingabouthisdinner，andhismutton，andhislandlord，andhisbusiness，IfeltagreatinterestaboutMr。M。inprivatelife——abouthiswife，lodgings，earnings，andgeneralhistory，andIdaresaywasformingapictureofthoseinmymind——

wifecookingthemutton:childrenwaitingforit；Merrymaninhisplainclothes，andsoforth；duringwhichcontemplationthejokewasutteredandlaughedat，andMr。M。，resuminghisprofessionalduties，wastumblingoverheadandheels。DonotsupposeIamgoing，sicutestmos，toindulgeinmoralitiesaboutbuffoons，paint，motley，andmountebanking。Nay，PrimeMinistersrehearsetheirjokes；Oppositionleadersprepareandpolishthem；Tabernaclepreachersmustarrangethemintheirmindsbeforetheyutterthem。

AllImeanis，thatIwouldliketoknowanyoneoftheseperformersthoroughly，andoutofhisuniform:thatpreacher，andwhyinhistravelsthisandthatpointstruckhim；whereinlieshispowerofpathos，humor，eloquence；——thatMinisterofState，andwhatmoveshim，andhowhisprivateheartisworking；——Iwouldonlysaythat，atacertaintimeoflifecertainthingsceasetointerest:butaboutSOMEthingswhenweceasetocare，whatwillbetheuseoflife，sight，hearing?Poemsarewritten，andweceasetoadmire。

LadyJonesinvitesus，andweyawn；sheceasestoinviteus，andweareresigned。ThelasttimeIsawaballetattheopera——oh！itismanyyearsago——Ifellasleepinthestalls，waggingmyheadininsanedreams，andIhopeaffordingamusementtothecompany，whilethefeetoffivehundrednymphswerecuttingflicflacsonthestageatafewpaces"distance。Ah，Irememberadifferentstateofthings！Crediteposteri。Toseethosenymphs——graciouspowers，howbeautifultheywere！Thatleering，painted，shrivelled，thin-armed，thick-ankledoldthing，cuttingdrearycapers，comingthumpingdownonherboardoutoftime——THATanopera-dancer?Pooh！MydearWalter，thegreatdifferencebetweenMYtimeandyours，whowillenterlifesometwoorthreeyearshence，isthat，now，thedancingwomenandsingingwomenareludicrouslyold，outoftime，andoutoftune；thepaintissovisible，andthedingeandwrinklesoftheirwretchedoldcottonstockings，thatIamsurprisedhowanybodycanliketolookatthem。AndasforlaughingatMEforfallingasleep，Ican"tunderstandamanofsensedoingotherwise。InMYtime，alabonneheure。InthereignofGeorgeIV。，Igiveyoumyhonor，allthedancersattheoperawereasbeautifulasHouris。EveninWilliamIV。"stime，whenIthinkofDuvernayprancinginastheBayadere，——Isayitwasavisionoflovelinesssuchasmortaleyescan"tseenow-a-days。HowwellIrememberthetunetowhichsheusedtoappear！KaledusedtosaytotheSultan，“Mylord，atroopofthosedancingandsinginggurlscalledBayaderesapproaches，“

and，totheclashofcymbals，andthethumpingofmyheart，insheusedtodance！Therehasneverbeenanythinglikeit——never。Thereneverwillbe——IlaughtoscornoldpeoplewhotellmeaboutyourNoblet，yourMontessu，yourVestris，yourParisot——pshaw，theseniletwaddlers！Andtheimpudenceoftheyoungmen，withtheirmusicandtheirdancersofto-day！Itellyouthewomenaredrearyoldcreatures。Itellyouoneairinanoperaisjustlikeanother，andtheysendallrationalcreaturestosleep。Ah，RonzideBegnis，thoulovelyone！Ah，Caradoni，thousmilingangel！Ah，Malibran！

Nay，Iwillcometomoderntimes，andacknowledgethatLablachewasaverygoodsingerthirtyyearsago(thoughPortowastheboyforme):andthenwehadAmbrogetti，andCurioni，andDonzelli，arisingyoungsinger。

ButwhatismostcertainandlamentableisthedecayofstagebeautysincethedaysofGeorgeIV。ThinkofSontag！IrememberherinOtelloandtheDonnadelLagoin"28。Irememberbeingbehindthescenesattheopera(wherenumbersofusyoungfellowsoffashionusedtogo)，andseeingSontagletherhairfalldownoverhershouldersprevioustohermurderbyDonzelli。YoungfellowshaveneverseenbeautylikeTHAT，heardsuchavoice，seensuchhair，sucheyes。Don"ttellME！AmanwhohasbeenabouttownsincethereignofGeorgeIV。，oughthenottoknowbetterthanyouyoungladswhohaveseennothing?Thedeteriorationofwomenislamentable；

andtheconceitoftheyoungfellowsmorelamentablestill，thattheywon"tseethisfact，butpersistinthinkingtheirtimeasgoodasours。

Blessme！whenIwasalad，thestagewascoveredwithangels，whosang，acted，anddanced。WhenIremembertheAdelphi，andtheactressesthere:whenIthinkofMissChester，andMissLove，andMrs。SerleatSadler"sWells，andherfortygloriouspupils——oftheOperaandNoblet，andtheexquisiteyoungTaglioni，andPaulineLeroux，andahostmore！Onemuch-admiredbeingofthosedaysI

confessInevercaredfor，andthatwasthechiefMALEdancer——averyimportantpersonagethen，withabareneck，barearms，atunic，andahatandfeathers，whousedtodividetheapplausewiththeladies，andwhohasnowsunkdownatrap-doorforever。AndthisfrankadmissionoughttoshowthatIamnotyourmeretwaddlinglaudatortemporisacti——youroldfogywhocanseenogoodexceptinhisowntime。

Theysaythatclaretisbetternow-a-days，andcookerymuchimprovedsincethedaysofMYmonarch——ofGeorgeIV。PastryCookeryiscertainlynotsogood。Ihaveofteneatenhalfacrown"sworth(including，Itrust，ginger-beer)atourschoolpastry-cook"s，andthatisaproofthatthepastrymusthavebeenverygood，forcouldIdoasmuchnow?Ipassedbythepastry-cook"sshoplately，havingoccasiontovisitmyoldschool。Itlookedaverydingyoldbaker"s；misfortunesmayhavecomeoverhim——thosepennytartscertainlydidNOTlooksoniceasIrememberthem:buthemayhavegrowncarelessashehasgrownold(Ishouldjudgehimtobenowaboutninety-sixyearsofage)，andhishandmayhavelostitscunning。

Notthatwewerenotgreatepicures。Irememberhowweconstantlygrumbledatthequantityofthefoodinourmaster"shouse——whichonmyconscienceIbelievewasexcellentandplentiful——andhowwetriedonceortwicetoeathimoutofhouseandhome。Atthepastry-cook"swemayhaveover-eatenourselves(Ihaveadmittedhalfacrown"sworthformyownpart，butIdon"tliketomentiontheREALfigureforfearofpervertingthepresentgenerationofboysbymymonstrousconfession)——wemayhaveeatentoomuch，Isay。Wedid；butwhatthen?Theschoolapothecarywassentfor:acoupleofsmallglobulesatnight，atriflingpreparationofsennainthemorning，andwehadnottogotoschool，sothatthedraughtwasanactualpleasure。

Forouramusements，besidesthegamesinvogue，whichwereprettymuchinoldtimesastheyarenow(exceptcricket，parexemple——andIwishthepresentyouthjoyoftheirbowling，andsupposeArmstrongandWhitworthwillbowlatthemwithlightfield-piecesnext)，therewerenovels——ah！Itroubleyoutofindsuchnovelsinthepresentday！OScottishChiefs，didn"tweweepoveryou！OMysteriesofUdolpho，didn"tIandBriggsMinordrawpicturesoutofyou，asI

havesaid?Efforts，feebleindeed，butstillgivingpleasuretousandourfriends。“Isay，oldboy，drawusVivalditorturedintheInquisition，“or，“DrawusDonQuixoteandthewindmills，youknow，“

amateurswouldsay，toboyswhohadaloveofdrawing。“PeregrinePickle“weliked，ourfathersadmiringit，andtellingus(theslyoldboys)itwascapitalfun；butIthinkIwasratherbewilderedbyit，though“RoderickRandom“wasandremainsdelightful。Idon"trememberhavingSterneintheschoollibrary，nodoubtbecausetheworksofthatdivinewerenotconsidereddecentforyoungpeople。

Ah！notagainstthygenius，OfatherofUncleTobyandTrim，wouldI

sayawordindisrespect。ButIamthankfultoliveintimeswhenmennolongerhavethetemptationtowritesoastocallblushesonwomen"scheeks，andwouldshametowhisperwickedallusionstohonestboys。Then，aboveall，wehadWALTERSCOTT，thekindly，thegenerous，thepure——thecompanionofwhatcountlessdelightfulhours；thepurveyorofhowmuchhappiness；thefriendwhomwerecallastheconstantbenefactorofouryouth！HowwellIrememberthetypeandthebrownishpaperoftheoldduodecimo“TalesofmyLandlord！“Ihaveneverdaredtoreadthe“Pirate，“andthe“BrideofLammermoor，“or“Kenilworth，“fromthatdaytothis，becausethefinaleisunhappy，andpeopledie，andaremurderedattheend。But“Ivanhoe，“and“QuentinDurward！“Oh！forahalf-holiday，andaquietcorner，andoneofthosebooksagain！Thosebooks，andperhapsthoseeyeswithwhichwereadthem；and，itmaybe，thebrainsbehindtheeyes！Itmaybethetartwasgood；buthowfreshtheappetitewas！Ifthegodswouldgivemethedesireofmyheart，Ishouldbeabletowriteastorywhichboyswouldrelishforthenextfewdozenofcenturies。Theboy-criticlovesthestory:grownup，helovestheauthorwhowrotethestory。Hencethekindlytieisestablishedbetweenwriterandreader，andlastsprettynearlyforlife。Imeetpeoplenowwhodon"tcareforWalterScott，orthe“ArabianNights；“Iamsorryforthem，unlesstheyintheirtimehavefoundTHEIRromancer——theircharmingScheherazade。Bytheway，Walter，whenyouarewriting，tellmewhoisthefavoritenovelistinthefourthformnow?haveyougotanythingsogoodandkindlyasdearMissEdgeworth"sFrank?Itusedtobelongtoafellow"ssistersgenerally；butthoughhepretendedtodespiseit，andsaid，“Oh，stuffforgirls！“hereadit；andIthinktherewereoneortwopassageswhichwouldtrymyeyesnow，wereItomeetwiththelittlebook。

AsforThomasandJeremiah(itisonlymywittywayofcallingTomandJerry)，IwenttotheBritishMuseumtheotherdayonpurposetogetit；butsomehow，ifyouwillpressthequestionsoclosely，onreperusal，TomandJerryisnotsobrilliantasIhadsupposedittobe。Thepicturesarejustasfineasever；andIshookhandswithbroad-backedJerryHawthornandCorinthianTomwithdelight，aftermanyyears"absence。Butthestyleofthewriting，Iown，wasnotpleasingtome；Ieventhoughtitalittlevulgar——well！well！otherwritershavebeenconsideredvulgar——andasadescriptionofthesportsandamusementsofLondonintheancienttimes，morecuriousthanamusing。

Butthepictures！——oh！thepicturesarenoblestill！First，thereisJerryarrivingfromthecountry，inagreencoatandleathergaiters，andbeingmeasuredforafashionablesuitatCorinthianHouse，byCorinthianTom"stailor。Thenawayforthecareerofpleasureandfashion。Thepark！deliciousexcitement！Thetheatre！

thesaloon！！thegreen-room！！！Rapturousbliss——theoperaitself！

andthenperhapstoTempleBar，toKNOCKDOWNACHARLEYthere！

ThereareJerryandTom，withtheirtightsandlittlecockedhats，comingfromtheopera——verymuchasgentlemeninwaitingonroyaltyarehabitednow。TheretheyareatAlmack"sitself，amidstacrowdofhigh-bredpersonages，withtheDukeofClarencehimselflookingatthemdancing。Now，strangechange，theyareinTomCribb"sparlor，wheretheydon"tseemtobeawhitlessathomethaninfashion"sgildedhalls:andnowtheyareatNewgate，seeingtheironsknockedoffthemalefactors"legsprevioustoexecution。Whathardenedferocityinthecountenanceofthedesperadoinyellowbreeches！Whatcompunctioninthefaceofthegentlemaninblack(who，Isuppose，hasbeenforging)，andwhoclaspshishands，andlistenstothechaplain！Nowwehasteawaytomerrierscenes:toTattersall"s(ahgraciouspowers！whatafunnyfellowthatactorwaswhoperformedDickyGreeninthatsceneattheplay！)；andnowweareataprivateparty，atwhichCorinthianTomiswaltzing(andverygracefully，too，asyoumustconfess，)withCorinthianKate，whilstBobLogic，theOxonian，isplayingonthepiano！

“After，“thetextsays，“THEOXONIANhadplayedseveralpiecesoflivelymusic，herequestedasafavorthatKateandhisfriendTomwouldperformawaltz。Katewithoutanyhesitationimmediatelystoodup。Tomofferedhishandtohisfascinatingpartner，andthedancetookplace。Theplateconveysacorrectrepresentationofthe"gayscene"atthatprecisemoment。TheanxietyofTHEOXONIANtowitnesstheattitudesoftheelegantpairhadnearlyputastoptotheirmovements。OnturningroundfromthepianoforteandpresentinghiscomicalMUG，Katecouldscarcelysuppressalaugh。”

Andnowonder；justlookatitnow(asIhavecopiedittothebestofmyhumbleability)，andcompareMasterLogic"scountenanceandattitudewiththesplendideleganceofTom！*NoweveryLondonmaniswearyandblase。Thereisanenjoymentoflifeintheseyoungbucksof1823whichcontrastsstrangelywithourfeelingsof1860。

Here，forinstance，isaspecimenoftheirtalkandwalk。“"If，"

saysLOGIC——"ifENJOYMENTisyourMOTTO，youmaymakethemostofaneveningatVauxhall，morethanatanyotherplaceinthemetropolis。

Itisallfreeandeasy。Stayaslongasyoulike，anddepartwhenyouthinkproper。"——"Yourdescriptionissoflattering，"repliedJERRY，"thatIdonotcarehowsoonthetimearrivesforustostart。"LOGICproposeda"BITOFASTROLL"inordertogetridofanhourortwo，whichwasimmediatelyacceptedbyTomandJerry。A

TURNortwoinBondStreet，aSTROLLthroughPiccadilly，aLOOKIN

atTATTERSALL"S，aRAMBLEthroughPallMall，andaSTRUTontheCorinthianpath，fullyoccupiedthetimeofourheroesuntilthehourfordinnerarrived，whenafewglassesofTOM"Srichwinessoonputthemonthequivive。VAUXHALLwasthentheobjectinview，andtheTRIOstarted，bentuponenjoyingthepleasureswhichthisplacesoamplyaffords。”

*Thisreferstoanillustratededitionofthework。】】

Hownoblythoseinvertedcommas，thoseitalics，thosecapitals，bringoutthewriter"switandrelievetheeye！Theyareasgoodasjokes，thoughyoumayn"tquiteperceivethepoint。Markthevarietiesofloungeinwhichtheyoungmenindulge——nowASTROLL，thenALOOKIN，thenARAMBLE，andpresentlyASTRUT。WhenGeorge，PrinceofWales，wastwenty，IhavereadinanoldMagazine，“thePrince"slounge“wasapeculiarmannerofwalkingwhichtheyoungbucksimitated。AtWindsorGeorgeIII。hadACAT"SPATH——aslyearlywalkwhichthegoodoldkingtookinthegraymorningbeforehishouseholdwasastir。WhatwastheCorinthianpathhererecorded?Doesanyantiquaryknow?Andwhatweretherichwineswhichourfriendstook，andwhichenabledthemtoenjoyVauxhall?

Vauxhallisgone，butthewineswhichcouldoccasionsuchadelightfulperversionoftheintellectastoenableittoenjoyamplepleasuresthere，whatwerethey?

Sothegameoflifeproceeds，untilJerryHawthorn，therustic，isfairlyknockedupbyallthisexcitementandisforcedtogohome，andthelastpicturerepresentshimgettingintothecoachatthe“WhiteHorseCellar，“hebeingoneofsixinside；whilsthisfriendsshakehimbythehand；whilstthesailormountsontheroof；whilsttheJewshangroundwithoranges，knives，andsealing-wax:whilsttheguardisclosingthedoor。Wherearetheynow，thosesealing-

waxvenders?wherearetheguards?wherearethejollyteams?wherearethecoaches?andwheretheyouththatclimbedinsideandoutofthem；thatheardthemerryhornwhichsoundsnomore；thatsawthesunriseoverStonehenge；thatrubbedawaythebittertearsatnightafterpartingasthecoachspedonthejourneytoschoolandLondon；

thatlookedoutwithbeatingheartasthemilestonesflewby，forthewelcomecornerwherebeganhomeandholidays?

Itisnightnow:andhereishome。Gatheredunderthequietroofeldersandchildrenliealikeatrest。Inthemidstofagreatpeaceandcalm，thestarslookoutfromtheheavens。Thesilenceispeopledwiththepast；sorrowfulremorsesforsinsandshort-

comings——memoriesofpassionatejoysandgriefsriseoutoftheirgraves，bothnowalikecalmandsad。Eyes，asIshutmine，lookatme，thathavelongceasedtoshine。Thetownandthefairlandscapesleepunderthestarlight，wreathedintheautumnmists。Twinklingamongthehousesalightkeepswatchhereandthere，inwhatmaybeasickchamberortwo。Theclocktollssweetlyinthesilentair。

Hereisnightandrest。Anawfulsenseofthanksmakestheheartswell，andtheheadbow，asIpasstomyroomthroughthesleepinghouse，andfeelasthoughahushedblessingwereuponit。

ONAJOKEIONCEHEARDFROMTHELATETHOMASHOOD。

Thegood-naturedreaderwhohasperusedsomeoftheseramblingpapershaslongsinceseen(iftoseehasbeenworthhistrouble)

thatthewriterbelongstotheold-fashionedclassesofthisworld，lovestorememberverymuchmorethantoprophesy，andthoughhecan"thelpbeingcarriedonward，anddownward，perhaps，onthehilloflife，theswiftmilestonesmarkingtheirforties，fifties——howmanytensorlustresshallwesay?——hesitsunderTime，thewhite-

wiggedcharioteer，withhisbacktothehorses，andhisfacetothepast，lookingattherecedinglandscapeandthehillsfadingintothegraydistance。Ahme！thosegray，distanthillsweregreenonce，andHERE，andcoveredwithsmilingpeople！AswecameUPthehilltherewasdifficulty，andhereandthereahardpulltobesure，butstrength，andspirits，andallsortsofcheeryincidentandcompanionshipontheroad；therewerethetoughstruggles(byheaven"smercifulwill)overcome，thepauses，thefaintings，theweakness，thelostway，perhaps，thebitterweather，thedreadfulpartings，thelonelynight，thepassionategrief——towardstheseI

turnmythoughtsasIsitandthinkinmyhobby-coachunderTime，thesilver-wiggedcharioteer。Theyoungfolksinthesamecarriagemeanwhilearelookingforwards。Nothingescapestheirkeeneyes——

notafloweratthesideofacottagegarden，norabunchofrosy-

facedchildrenatthegate:thelandscapeisallbright，theairbriskandjolly，thetownyonderlooksbeautiful，anddoyouthinktheyhavelearnedtobedifficultaboutthedishesattheinn?

Now，supposePaterfamiliasonhisjourneywithhiswifeandchildreninthesociable，andhepassesanordinarybrickhouseontheroadwithanordinarylittlegardeninthefront，wewillsay，andquiteanordinaryknockertothedoor，andasmanysashedwindowsasyouplease，quitecommonandsquare，andtiles，windows，chimney-pots，quitelikeothers；orsuppose，indrivingoversuchandsuchacommon，heseesanordinarytree，andanordinarydonkeybrowsingunderit，ifyoulike——wifeanddaughterlookattheseobjectswithouttheslightestparticleofcuriosityorinterest。Whatisabrassknockertothembutalion"shead，orwhatnot?andathorn-

treewithpoolbesideit，butapoolinwhichathornandajackassarereflected?

Butyourememberhowonceuponatimeyourheartusedtobeat，asyoubeatonthatbrassknocker，andwhoseeyeslookedfromthewindowabove。Yourememberhowbythatthorn-treeandpool，wherethegeesewereperformingaprodigiouseveningconcert，theremightbeseen，atacertainhour，somebodyinacertaincloakandbonnet，whohappenedtobecomingfromavillageyonder，andwhoseimagehasflickeredinthatpool。Inthatpool，nearthethorn?Yes，inthatgoose-pool，nevermindhowlongago，whentherewerereflectedtheimagesofthegeese——andtwogeesemore。Here，atleast，anoldstermayhavetheadvantageofhisyoungfellow-travellers，andsoPutneyHeathortheNewRoadmaybeinvestedwithahaloofbrightnessinvisibletothem，becauseitonlybeamsoutofhisownsoul。

Ihavebeenreadingthe“MemorialsofHood“byhischildren，*andwonderwhetherthebookwillhavethesameinterestforothersandforyoungerpeople，asforpersonsofmyownageandcalling。Booksoftraveltoanycountrybecomeinterestingtouswhohavebeenthere。Menrevisittheoldschool，thoughhatefultothem，witheversomuchkindlinessandsentimentalaffection。Therewasthetreeunderwhichthebullylickedyou:herethegroundwhereyouhadtofagoutonholidays，andsoforth。Inaword，mydearsir，YOU

arethemostinterestingsubjecttoyourself，ofanythatcanoccupyyourworship"sthoughts。Ihavenodoubt，aCrimeansoldier，readingahistoryofthatsiege，andhowJonesandthegallant99thwereorderedtochargeorwhatnot，thinks，“Ah，yes，weofthe100thwereplacedsoandso，Iperfectlyremember。”SowiththismemorialofpoorHood，itmayhave，nodoubt，agreaterinterestformethanforothers，forIwasfighting，sotospeak，inadifferentpartofthefield，andengaged，ayoungsubaltern，intheBattleofLife，inwhichHoodfell，youngstill，andcoveredwithglory。“TheBridgeofSighs“washisCorunna，hisHeightsofAbraham——sickly，weak，wounded，hefellinthefullblazeandfameofthatgreatvictory。

*MemorialsofThomasHood。Moxon，1860。2vols。

Whatmannerofmanwasthegeniuswhopennedthatfamoussong?WhatlikewasWolfe，whoclimbedandconqueredonthosefamousHeightsofAbraham?Weallwanttoknowdetailsregardingmenwhohaveachievedfamousfeats，whetherofwar，orwit，oreloquence，orendurance，orknowledge。Hisoneortwohappyandheroicactionstakeaman"snameandmemoryoutofacrowdofnamesandmemories。

Henceforthhestandseminent。Wescanhim:wewanttoknowallabouthim；wewalkroundandexaminehim，arecurious，perhaps，andthinkarewenotasstrongandtallandcapableasyonderchampion；

werewenotbredaswell，andcouldwenotendurethewinter"scoldaswellashe?Orwelookupwithalloureyesofadmiration；willfindnofaultinourhero:declarehisbeautyandproportionsperfect；hiscriticsenviousdetractors，andsoforth。Yesterday，beforeheperformedhisfeat，hewasnobody。Whocaredabouthisbirthplace，hisparentage，orthecolorofhishair?To-day，bysomesingleachievement，orbyaseriesofgreatactionstowhichhisgeniusaccustomsus，heisfamous，andantiquariansarebusyfindingoutunderwhatschoolmaster"sferulehewaseducated，wherehisgrandmotherwasvaccinated，andsoforth。Ifhalfadozenwashing-billsofGoldsmith"sweretobefoundto-morrow，wouldtheynotinspireageneralinterest，andbeprintedinahundredpapers?

IlighteduponOliver，notverylongsince，inanoldTownandCountryMagazine，atthePantheonmasquerade“inanoldEnglishhabit。”Straightwaymyimaginationranouttomeethim，tolookathim，tofollowhimabout。Iforgotthenamesofscoresoffinegentlemenofthepastage，whowerementionedbesides。Wewanttoseethismanwhohasamusedandcharmedus；whohasbeenourfriend，andgivenushoursofpleasantcompanionshipandkindlythought。I

protestwhenIcame，inthemidstofthosenamesofpeopleoffashion，andbeaux，anddemireps，uponthosenames“SirJ。R-yn-lds，inadomino；Mr。Cr-d-ckandDr。G-ldsm-th，intwooldEnglishdresses，“Ihad，sotospeak，myheartinmymouth。What，YOUhere，mydearSirJoshua?Ah，whatanhonorandprivilegeitistoseeyou！ThisisMr。Goldsmith?Andverymuch，sir，theruffandtheslasheddoubletbecomeyou！ODoctor！whatapleasureIhadandhaveinreadingtheAnimatedNature。HowDIDyoulearnthesecretofwritingthedecasyllableline，andwhencethatsweetwailingnoteoftendernessthataccompaniesyoursong?WasBeauTibbsarealman，andwillyoudomethehonorofallowingmetositatyourtableatsupper?Don"tyouthinkyouknowhowhewouldhavetalked?

Wouldyounothavelikedtohearhimprattleoverthechampagne?

Now，Hoodispassedaway——passedofftheearthasmuchasGoldsmithorHorace。Thetimesinwhichhelived，andinwhichverymanyofuslivedandwereyoung，arechangingorchanged。IsawHoodonceasayoungman，atadinnerwhichseemsalmostasghostlynowasthatmasqueradeatthePantheon(1772)，ofwhichwewerespeakinganon。ItwasatadinneroftheLiteraryFund，inthatvastapartmentwhichishungroundwiththeportraitsofverylargeRoyalFreemasons，nowunsubstantialghosts。ThereattheendoftheroomwasHood。Somepublishers，Ithink，wereourcompanions。Iquiterememberhispaleface；hewasthinanddeaf，andverysilent；hescarcelyopenedhislipsduringthedinner，andhemadeonepun。

Somegentlemanmissedhissnuff-box，andHoodsaid，——(theFreemasons"Tavernwaskept，youmustremember，byMr。CUFFinthosedays，notbyitspresentproprietors)。Well，theboxbeinglost，andaskedfor，andCUFF(rememberthatname)beingthenameofthelandlord，Hoodopenedhissilentjawsandsaid*****ShallI

tellyouwhathesaid?Itwasnotaverygoodpun，whichthegreatpunsterthenmade。Chooseyourfavoritepunoutof“WhimsandOddities，“andfancythatwasthejokewhichhecontributedtothehilarityofourlittletable。

Wherethoseasterisksaredrawnonthepage，youmustknow，apauseoccurred，duringwhichIwasengagedwith“Hood"sOwn，“havingbeenreferredtothebookbythislifeoftheauthorwhichIhavejustbeenreading。IamnotgoingtodissertonHood"shumor；Iamnotafairjudge。HaveInotsaidelsewherethatthereareoneortwowonderfullyoldgentlemenstillalivewhousedtogivemetipswhenIwasaboy?Ican"tbeafaircriticaboutthem。Ialwaysthinkofthatsovereign，thatraptureofraspberry-tarts，whichmademyyoungdayshappy。Thoseoldsovereign-contributorsmaytellstorieseversoold，andIshalllaugh；theymaycommitmurder，andIshallbelieveitwasjustifiablehomicide。ThereismyfriendBaggs，whogoesaboutabusingme，andofcourseourdearmutualfriendstellme。Abuseaway，monbon！YouweresokindtomewhenIwantedkindness，thatyoumaytakethechangeoutofthatgoldnow，andsayIamacannibalandnegro，ifyouwill。Ha，Baggs！Dostthouwinceasthoureadestthisline?Doesguiltyconsciencethrobbingatthybreasttelltheeofwhomthefableisnarrated?Puffoutthywrath，and，whenithasceasedtoblow，myBaggsshallbetomeastheBaggsofold——thegenerous，thegentle，thefriendly。

No，onsecondthoughts，IamdeterminedIwillnotrepeatthatjokewhichIheardHoodmake。Hesayshewrotethesejokeswithsucheasethathesentmanuscriptstothepublishersfasterthantheycouldacknowledgethereceiptthereof。Iwon"tsaythattheywereallgoodjokes，orthattoreadagreatbookfullofthemisaworkatpresentaltogetherjocular。Writingtoafriendrespectingsomememoirofhimwhichhadbeenpublished，Hoodsays，“Youwilljudgehowwelltheauthorknowsme，whenhesaysmymindisratherseriousthancomic。”Atthetimewhenhewrotethesewords，heevidentlyundervaluedhisownseriouspower，andthoughtthatinpunningandbroad-grinninglayhischiefstrength。Isnottheresomethingtouchinginthatsimplicityandhumilityoffaith?“Tomakelaughismycalling，“sayshe；“Imustjump，Imustgrin，Imusttumble，I

mustturnlanguageheadoverheels，andleapthroughgrammar；“andhegoestohisworkhumblyandcourageously，andwhathehastodothatdoeshewithallhismight，throughsickness，throughsorrow，throughexile，poverty，fever，depression——thereheis，alwaysreadytohiswork，andwithajewelofgeniusinhispocket！Why，whenhelaiddownhispunsandpranks，putthemotleyoff，andspokeoutofhisheart，allEnglandandAmericalistenedwithtearsandwonder！

Othermenhavedelusionsofconceit，andfancythemselvesgreaterthantheyare，andthattheworldslightsthem。HavewenotheardhowListonalwaysthoughtheoughttoplayHamlet?Hereisamanwithapowertotouchtheheartalmostunequalled，andhepassesdaysandyearsinwriting，“YoungBenhewasaniceyoungman，“andsoforth。Tosaytruth，Ihavebeenreadinginabookof“Hood"sOwn“untilIamperfectlyangry。“Yougreatman，yougoodman，youtruegeniusandpoet，“Icryout，asIturnpageafterpage。“Do，do，makenomoreofthesejokes，butbeyourself，andtakeyourstation。”

WhenHoodwasonhisdeath-bed，SirRobertPeel，whoonlyknewofhisillness，notofhisimminentdanger，wrotetohimanobleandtouchingletter，announcingthatapensionwasconferredonhim:

“Iammorethanrepaid，“writesPeel，“bythepersonalsatisfactionwhichIhavehadindoingthatforwhichyoureturnmewarmandcharacteristicacknowledgments。

“Youperhapsthinkthatyouareknowntoonewithsuchmultifariousoccupationsasmyself，merelybygeneralreputationasanauthor；

butIassureyouthattherecanbelittle，whichyouhavewrittenandacknowledged，whichIhavenotread；andthattherearefewwhocanappreciateandadmiremorethanmyself，thegoodsenseandgoodfeelingwhichhavetaughtyoutoinfusesomuchfunandmerrimentintowritingscorrectingfollyandexposingabsurdities，andyetnevertrespassingbeyondthoselimitswithinwhichwitandfacetiousnessarenotveryoftenconfined。Youmaywriteonwiththeconsciousnessofindependence，asfreeandunfettered，asifnocommunicationhadeverpassedbetweenus。Iamnotconferringaprivateobligationuponyou，butamfulfillingtheintentionsofthelegislature，whichhasplacedatthedisposaloftheCrownacertainsum(miserable，indeed，inamount)tobeappliedtotherecognitionofpublicclaimsonthebountyoftheCrown。Ifyouwillreviewthenamesofthosewhoseclaimshavebeenadmittedonaccountoftheirliteraryorscientificeminence，youwillfindanampleconfirmationofthetruthofmystatement。

“Onereturn，indeed，Ishallaskofyou，——thatyouwillgivemetheopportunityofmakingyourpersonalacquaintance。”

AndHood，writingtoafriend，enclosingacopyofPeel"sletter，says，“SirR。PeelcamefromBurleighonTuesdaynight，andwentdowntoBrightononSaturday。Ifhehadwrittenbypost，Ishouldnothaveittillto-day。SohesenthisservantwiththeenclosedonSATURDAYNIGHT；anothermarkofconsiderateattention。”Heisfrightfullyunwell，hecontinues:hiswifesayshelooksQUITE

GREEN；butillasheis，poorfellow，“hiswellisnotdry。HehaspumpedoutasheetofChristmasfun，isdrawingsomecuts，andshallwriteasheetmoreofhisnovel。”

Oh，sad，marvellouspictureofcourage，ofhonesty，ofpatientendurance，ofdutystrugglingagainstpain！HownoblePeel"sfigureisstandingbythatsick-bed！howgeneroushiswords，howdignifiedandsincerehiscompassion！Andthepoordyingman，withaheartfullofnaturalgratitudetowardshisnoblebenefactor，mustturntohimandsay——“IfitbewelltoberememberedbyaMinister，itisbetterstillnottobeforgottenbyhimina"hurlyBurleigh！"“Canyoulaugh?Isnotthejokehorriblypatheticfromthepoordyinglips?AsdyingRobinHoodmustfirealastshotwithhisbow——asonereadsofCatholicsontheirdeath-bedsputtingonaCapuchindresstogooutoftheworld——hereispoorHoodathislasthourputtingonhisghastlymotley，andutteringonejokemore。

Hedies，however，indearestloveandpeacewithhischildren，wife，friends；totheformerespeciallyhiswholelifehadbeendevoted，andeverydayshowedhisfidelity，simplicity，andaffection。Ingoingthroughtherecordofhismostpure，modest，honorablelife，andlivingalongwithhim，youcometotrusthimthoroughly，andfeelthathereisamostloyal，affectionate，anduprightsoul，withwhomyouhavebeenbroughtintocommunion。Canwesayasmuchofthelivesofallmenofletters?Hereisoneatleastwithoutguile，withoutpretension，withoutscheming，ofapurelife，tohisfamilyandlittlemodestcircleoffriendstenderlydevoted。

Andwhatahardwork，andwhataslenderreward！Inthelittledomesticdetailswithwhichthebookabounds，whatasimplelifeisshowntous！Themostsimplelittlepleasuresandamusementsdelightandoccupyhim。Youhaverevelsonshrimps；thegoodwifemakingthepie；detailsaboutthemaid，andcriticismsonherconduct；wonderfultricksplayedwiththeplum-pudding——allthepleasurescentringroundthelittlehumblehome。Oneofthefirstmenofhistime，heisappointededitorofaMagazineatasalaryof300L。perannum，signshimselfexultingly“Ed。N。M。M。，“andthefamilyrejoiceovertheincomeasoverafortune。HegoestoaGreenwichdinner——whatafeastandarejoicingafterwards！——

“Well，wedrank"theBoz"withadelectableclatter，whichdrewfromhimagoodwarm-heartedspeech……Helookedverywell，andhadayoungerbrotheralongwithhim……Thenwehadsongs。BarhamchantedaRobinHoodballad，andCruikshanksangaburlesqueballadofLordH——；andsomebody，unknowntome，gaveacapitalimitationofaFrenchshowman。ThenwetoastedMrs。Boz，andtheChairman，andVice，andtheTraditionalPriestsangthe"Deepdeepsea，"inhisdeepdeepvoice；andthenwedranktoProcter，whowrotethesaidsong；alsoSirJ。Wilson"sgoodhealth，andCruikshank"s，andAinsworth"s:andaManchesterfriendofthelattersangaManchesterditty，sofulloftradingstuff，thatitreallyseemedtohavebeennotcomposed，butmanufactured。Jerdan，asJerdanishasusualonsuchoccasions——youknowhowparadoxicallyheisQUITEATHOMEinDININGOUT。Astomyself，IhadtomakemySECONDMAIDENSPEECH，forMr。MoncktonMilnesproposedmyhealthintermsmymodestymightallowmetorepeattoYOU，butmymemorywon"t。However，Iascribedthetoasttomynotoriouslybadhealth，andassuredthemthattheirwisheshadalreadyimprovedit——thatIfeltabriskercirculation——amoregenialwarmthabouttheheart，andexplainedthatacertaintremblingofmyhandwasnotfrompalsy，ormyoldague，butaninclinationinmyhandtoshakeitselfwitheveryonepresent。

WhereuponIhadtogothroughthefriendlyceremonywithasmanyofthecompanyaswerewithinreach，besidesafewmorewhocameexpressfromtheotherendofthetable。VERYgratifying，wasn"tit?ThoughIcannotgoquitesofarasJane，whowantsmetohavethathandchoppedoff，bottled，andpreservedinspirits。Shewassittingupforme，veryanxiously，asusualwhenIgoout，becauseI

amsodomesticandsteady，andwasdownatthedoorbeforeIcouldringatthegate，towhichBozkindlysentmeinhisowncarriage。

Poorgirl！whatWOULDshedoifshehadawildhusbandinsteadofatameone?“

Andthepooranxiouswifeissittingup，andfondlesthehandwhichhasbeenshakenbysomanyillustriousmen！Thelittlefeastdatesbackonlyeighteenyears，andyetsomehowitseemsasdistantasadinneratMr。Thrale"s，orameetingatWill"s。

Poorlittlegleamofsunshine！verylittlegoodcheerenlivensthatsadsimplelife。WehavethetriumphoftheMagazine:thenanewMagazineprojectedandproduced:thenillnessandthelastscene，andthekindPeelbythedyingman"sbedsidespeakingnoblewordsofrespectandsympathy，andsoothingthelastthrobsofthetenderhonestheart。

Ilike，Isay，Hood"slifeevenbetterthanhisbooks，andIwish，withallmyheart，Monsieuretcherconfrere，thesamecouldbesaidforbothofus，whentheinkstreamofourlifehathceasedtorun。

Yes:ifIdropfirst，dearBaggs，Itrustyoumayfindreasontomodifysomeoftheunfavorableviewsofmycharacter，whichyouarefreelyimpartingtoourmutualfriends。Whatoughttobetheliteraryman"spointofhonornow-a-days?Suppose，friendlyreader，youareoneofthecraft，whatlegacywouldyouliketoleavetoyourchildren?Firstofall(andbyheaven"sgracioushelp)youwouldprayandstrivetogivethemsuchanendowmentoflove，asshouldlastcertainlyforalltheirlives，andperhapsbetransmittedtotheirchildren。Youwould(bythesameaidandblessing)keepyourhonorpure，andtransmitanameunstainedtothosewhohavearighttobearit。Youwould，——thoughthisfacultyofgivingisoneoftheeasiestoftheliteraryman"squalities——youwould，outofyourearnings，smallorgreat，beabletohelpapoorbrotherinneed，todresshiswounds，and，ifitwerebuttwopence，togivehimsuccor。IsthemoneywhichthenobleMacaulaygavetothepoorlosttohisfamily?Godforbid。Tothelovingheartsofhiskindredisitnotratherthemostpreciouspartoftheirinheritance?Itwasinvestedinloveandrighteousdoing，anditbearsinterestinheaven。Youwill，iflettersbeyourvocation，findsavingharderthangivingandspending。Tosavebeyourendeavor，too，againstthenight"scomingwhennomanmaywork；whenthearmiswearywiththelongday"slabor；whenthebrainperhapsgrowsdark；whentheold，whocanlabornomore，wantwarmthandrest，andtheyoungonescallforsupper。

Icopiedthelittlegalley-slavewhoismadetofigureintheinitialletterofthispaper，fromaquaintoldsilverspoonwhichwepurchasedinacuriosity-shopattheHague。*ItisoneofthegiftspoonssocommoninHolland，andwhichhavemultipliedsoastonishinglyoflateyearsatourdealers"inoldsilverware。

Alongthestemofthespoonarewrittenthewords:“Anno1609，Binickaldusghekledtgheghaen“——“Intheyear1609Iwentthusclad。”

ThegoodDutchmanwasreleasedfromhisAlgerinecaptivity(I

imaginehisfigurelookslikethatofaslaveamongsttheMoors)，andinhisthank-offeringtosomegodchildathome，hethuspiouslyrecordshisescape。

*Thisreferstoanillustratededitionofthework。】】

WasnotpoorCervantesalsoacaptiveamongsttheMoors?DidnotFielding，andGoldsmith，andSmollett，too，dieatthechainaswellaspoorHood?ThinkofFieldinggoingonboardhiswretchedshipintheThames，withscarceahandtobidhimfarewell；ofbraveTobiasSmollett，andhislife，howhard，andhowpoorlyrewarded；ofGoldsmith，andthephysicianwhispering，“Haveyousomethingonyourmind?“andthewilddyingeyesanswering，“Yes。”NoticehowBoswellspeaksofGoldsmith，andthesplendidcontemptwithwhichheregardshim。ReadHawkinsonFielding，andthescornwithwhichDandyWalpoleandBishopHurdspeakofhim。Galley-slavesdoomedtotugtheoarandwearthechain，whilstmylordsanddandiestaketheirpleasure，andhearfinemusicanddisportwithfineladiesinthecabin！

Butstay。Wasthereanycauseforthisscorn?Hadsomeofthesegreatmenweaknesseswhichgaveinferiorsadvantageoverthem?Menofletterscannotlaytheirhandsontheirhearts，andsay，“No，thefaultwasfortune"s，andtheindifferentworld"s，notGoldsmith"snorFielding"s。”TherewasnoreasonwhyOlivershouldalwaysbethriftless；whyFieldingandSteeleshouldspongeupontheirfriends；whySterneshouldmakelovetohisneighbors"wives。

Swift，foralongtime，wasaspoorasanywagthateverlaughed:

butheowednopennytohisneighbors:Addison，whenheworehismostthreadbarecoat，couldholdhisheadup，andmaintainhisdignity:and，Idarevouch，neitherofthosegentlemen，whentheywereeversopoor，askedanymanalivetopitytheircondition，andhavearegardtotheweaknessesincidentaltotheliteraryprofession。Galley-slave，forsooth！Ifyouaresenttoprisonforsomeerrorforwhichthelawawardsthatsortoflaboriousseclusion，somuchthemoreshameforyou。Ifyouarechainedtotheoaraprisonerofwar，likeCervantes，youhavethepain，butnottheshame，andthefriendlycompassionofmankindtorewardyou。

Galley-slaves，indeed！Whatmanhasnothisoartopull?Thereisthatwonderfuloldstroke-oarintheQueen"sgalley。Howmanyyearshashepulled?Dayandnight，inroughwaterorsmooth，withwhatinvinciblevigorandsurprisinggayetyheplieshisarms。ThereisinthesameGalereCapitaine，thatwell-known，trimfigure，thebow-

oar；howhetugs，andwithwhatawill！Howbothofthemhavebeenabusedintheirtime！TaketheLawyer"sgalley，andthatdauntlessoctogenarianincommand；whenhasHEevercomplainedorrepinedabouthisslavery?ThereisthePriest"sgalley——blackandlawnsails——doanymarinersoutofThamesworkharder?Whenlawyer，andstatesman，anddivine，andwriteraresnuginbed，thereisaringatthepoorDoctor"sbell。Forthhemustgo，inrheumatismorsnow；

agalley-slavebearinghisgalley-potstoquenchtheflamesoffever，tosuccormothersandyoungchildrenintheirhourofperil，and，asgentlyandsoothinglyasmaybe，tocarrythehopelesspatientovertothesilentshore。AndhavewenotjustreadoftheactionsoftheQueen"sgalleysandtheirbravecrewsintheChinesewaters?Mennotmoreworthyofhumanrenownandhonorto-dayintheirvictory，thanlastyearintheirglorioushourofdisaster。

Sowithstoutheartsmayweplytheoar，messmatesall，tillthevoyageisover，andtheHarborofRestisfound。

ROUNDABOUTTHECHRISTMASTREE。

ThekindlyChristmastree，fromwhichItrusteverygentlereaderhaspulledabonbonortwo，isyetallaflamewhilstIamwriting，andsparkleswiththesweetfruitsofitsseason。Youyoungladies，mayyouhavepluckedprettygiftlingsfromit；andoutofthecrackersugarplumwhichyouhavesplitwiththecaptainorthesweetyoungcuratemayyouhavereadoneofthosedeliciousconundrumswhichtheconfectionersintroduceintothesweetmeats，andwhichapplytothecunningpassionoflove。ThoseriddlesaretobereadatYOURage，whenIdaresaytheyareamusing。AsforDolly，Merry，andBell，whoarestandingatthetree，theydon"tcareaboutthelove-riddlepart，butunderstandthesweet-almondportionverywell。

Theyarefour，five，sixyearsold。Patience，littlepeople！A

dozenmerryChristmasesmore，andyouwillbereadingthosewonderfullove-conundrums，too。Asforuselderlyfolks，wewatchthebabiesattheirsport，andtheyoungpeoplepullingatthebranches:andinsteadoffindingbonbonsorsweetiesinthepacketswhichWEpluckofftheboughs，wefindenclosedMr。Carnifex"sreviewofthequarter"smeat；Mr。Sartor"scompliments，andlittlestatementforselfandtheyounggentlemen；andMadamedeSainte-

Crinoline"srespectstotheyoungladies，whoenclosesheraccount，andwillsendonSaturday，please；orwestretchourhandouttotheeducationalbranchoftheChristmastree，andtherefindalivelyandamusingarticlefromtheRev。HenryHolyshade，containingourdearTommy"sexceedinglymoderateaccountforthelastterm"sschoolexpenses。

Thetreeyetsparkles，Isay。IamwritingonthedaybeforeTwelfthDay，ifyoumustknow；butalreadyeversomanyofthefruitshavebeenpulled，andtheChristmaslightshavegoneout。

BobbyMiseltow，whohasbeenstayingwithusforaweek(andwhohasbeensleepingmysteriouslyinthebathroom)，comestosayheisgoingawaytospendtherestoftheholidayswithhisgrandmother——

andIbrushawaythemanlytearofregretasIpartwiththedearchild。“Well，Bob，good-by，sinceyouWILLgo。Complimentstograndmamma。Thankherfortheturkey。Here"s——“(Aslightpecuniarytransactiontakesplaceatthisjuncture，andBobnodsandwinks，andputshishandinhiswaistcoatpocket。)。“Youhavehadapleasantweek?“

BOB——“Haven"tI！“(Andexit，anxioustoknowtheamountofthecoinwhichhasjustchangedhands。)

Heisgone，andasthedearboyvanishesthroughthedoor(behindwhichIseehimperfectly)，ItoocastupalittleaccountofourpastChristmasweek。WhenBob"sholidaysareover，andtheprinterhassentmebackthismanuscript，IknowChristmaswillbeanoldstory。AllthefruitwillbeofftheChristmastreethen；thecrackerswillhavecrackedoff；thealmondswillhavebeencrunched；

andthesweet-bitterriddleswillhavebeenread；thelightswillhaveperishedoffthedarkgreenboughs；thetoysgrowingonthemwillhavebeendistributed，foughtfor，cherished，neglected，broken。FerdinandandFideliawilleachkeepoutofit(bestill，mygushingheart！)theremembranceofariddlereadtogether，ofadouble-almondmunchedtogether，andthemoietyofanexplodedcracker……Themaids，Isay，willhavetakendownallthathollystuffandnonsenseabouttheclocks，lamps，andlooking-

glasses，thedearboyswillbebackatschool，fondlythinkingofthepantomime-fairieswhomtheyhaveseen；whosegaudygossamerwingsarebatteredbythistime；andwhosepinkcotton(orsilkisit?)lowerextremitiesarealldingyanddusty。Yetbutafewdays，Bob，andflakesofpaintwillhavecrackedoffthefairyflower-

bowers，andtherevolvingtemplesofadamantinelustrewillbeasshabbyasthecityofPekin。Whenyoureadthis，willClownstillbegoingonlollinghistongueoutofhismonth，andsaying，“Howareyouto-morrow?“Tomorrow，indeed！Hemustbealmostashamedofhimself(ifthatcheekisstillcapableoftheblushofshame)foraskingtheabsurdquestion。To-morrow，indeed！To-morrowthediffugientsnowswillgiveplacetoSpring；thesnowdropswilllifttheirheads；Ladydaymaybeexpected，andthepecuniarydutiespeculiartothatfeast；inplaceofbonbons，treeswillhaveaneruptionoflightgreenknobs；thewhitebaitseasonwillbloom……

asifoneneedgoondescribingthesevernalphenomena，whenChristmasisstillhere，thoughending，andthesubjeetofmydiscourse！

Wehavealladmiredtheillustratedpapers，andnotedhowboisterouslyjollytheybecomeatChristmastime。Whatwassail-

bowls，robin-redbreasts，waits，snowlandscapes，burstsofChristmassong！Andthentothinkthatthesefestivitiesarepreparedmonthsbefore——thattheseChristmaspiecesareprophetic！Howkindofartistsandpoetstodevisethefestivitiesbeforehand，andservethempatatthepropertime！Weoughttobegratefultothem，astothecookwhogetsupatmidnightandsetsthepuddinga-boiling，whichistofeastusatsixo"clock。IoftenthinkwithgratitudeofthefamousMr。NelsonLee——theauthorofIdon"tknowhowmanyhundredgloriouspantomimes——walkingbythesummerwaveatMargate，orBrightonperhaps，revolvinginhismindtheideaofsomenewgorgeousspectacleoffaery，whichthewintershallseecomplete。

Heislikecookatmidnight(siparvalicet)。Hewatchesandthinks。Hepoundsthesparklingsugarofbenevolence，theplumsoffancy，thesweetmeatsoffun，thefigsof——well，thefigsoffairyfiction，letussay，andpopsthewholeintheseethingcaldronofimagination，andatdueseasonservesupTHEPANTOMIME。

VeryfewmeninthecourseofnaturecanexpecttoseeALLthepantomimesinoneseason，butIhopetotheendofmylifeIshallneverforegoreadingabouttheminthatdelicioussheetofTheTimeswhichappearsonthemorningafterBoxing-day。Perhapsreadingisevenbetterthanseeing。Thebestway，Ithink，istosayyouareill，lieinbed，andhavethepaperfortwohours，readingallthewaydownfromDruryLanetotheBritanniaatHoxton。BobandIwenttotwopantomimes。OnewasattheTheatreofFancy，andtheotherattheFairyOpera，andIdon"tknowwhichwelikedthebest。

AttheFancy，wesaw“HarlequinHamlet，orDaddy"sGhostandNunky"sPison，“whichisallverywell——but，gentlemen，ifyoudon"trespectShakspeare，towhomwillyoubecivil?ThepalaceandrampartsofElsinorebymoonandsnowlightisoneofLoutherbourg"sfinestefforts。Thebanquetinghallofthepalaceisilluminated:thepeaksandgablesglitterwiththesnow:thesentinelsmarchblowingtheirfingerswiththecold——thefreezingofthenoseofoneofthemisveryneatlyanddexterouslyarranged:thesnow-stormrises:thewindshowlawfullyalongthebattlements:thewavescomecurling，leaping，foamingtoshore。Hamlet"sumbrellaiswhirledawayinthestorm。Heandhistwofriendsstamponeachother"stoestokeepthemwarm。Thestorm-spiritsriseintheair，andarewhirledhowlingroundthepalaceandtherocks。Myeyes！whattilesandchimney-potsflyhurtlingthroughtheair！Asthestormreachesitsheight(herethewindinstrumentscomeinwithprodigiouseffect，andIcomplimentMr。Brumbyandthevioloncellos)——asthesnow-stormrises，(queek，queek，queek，gothefiddles，andthenthrumptythrumpcomesapizzicatomovementinBobMajor，whichsendsashiverintoyourveryboot-soles，)thethunder-cloudsdeepen(bong，bong，bong，fromthevioloncellos)。Theforkedlightningquiversthroughthecloudsinazig-zagscreamofviolins——andlook，look，look！asthefrothing，roaringwavescomerushingupthebattlements，andoverthereelingparapet，eachhissingwavebecomesaghost，sendsthegun-carriagesrollingovertheplatform，andplungeshowlingintothewateragain。

Hamlet"smothercomesontothebattlementstolookforherson。

Thestormwhipsherumbrellaoutofherhands，andsheretiresscreaminginpattens。

Thecabsonthestandinthegreatmarket-placeatElsinoreareseentodriveoff，andseveralpeoplearedrowned。Thegas-lampsalongthestreetarewrenchedfromtheirfoundations，andshootthroughthetroubledair。Whist，rush，hish！howtherainroarsandpours！

Thedarknessbecomesawful，alwaysdeepenedbythepowerofthemusic——andsee——inthemidstofarush，andwhirl，andscreamofspiritsofairandwave——whatisthatghastlyfiguremovinghither?

Itbecomesbigger，bigger，asitadvancesdowntheplatform——moreghastly，morehorrible，enormous！Itisastallasthewholestage。

Itseemstobeadvancingonthestallsandpit，andthewholehousescreamswithterror，astheGHOSTOFTHELATEHAMLETcomesin，andbeginstospeak。Severalpeoplefaint，andthelight-fingeredgentrypickpocketsfuriouslyinthedarkness。

Inthepitchydarkness，thisawfulfigurethrowinghiseyesabout，thegasintheboxesshudderingoutofsight，andthewind-

instrumentsbuglingthemosthorriblewails，theboldestspectatormusthavefeltfrightened。Buthark！whatisthatsilvershimmerofthefiddles！Isit——canitbe——thegraydawnpeepinginthestormyeast?Theghost"seyeslookblanklytowardsit，androllaghastlyagony。Quicker，quickerplytheviolinsofPhoebusApollo。Redder，reddergrowtheorientclouds。Cockadoodledoo！crowsthatgreatcockwhichhasjustcomeoutontheroofofthepalace。Andnowtheroundsunhimselfpopsupfrombehindthewavesofnight。Whereistheghost?Heisgone！Purpleshadowsofmorn“slanto"erthesnowysward，“thecitywakesupinlifeandsunshine，andweconfessweareverymuchrelievedatthedisappearanceoftheghost。Wedon"tlikethosedarkscenesinpantomimes。

Aftertheusualbusiness，thatOpheliashouldbeturnedintoColumbinewastobeexpected；butIconfessIwasalittleshockedwhenHamlet"smotherbecamePantaloon，andwasinstantlyknockeddownbyClownClaudius。Grimaldiisgettingalittleoldnow，butforrealhumortherearefewclownslikehim。Mr。Shuter，asthegrave-digger，waschasteandcomic，ashealwaysis，andthescene-

painterssurpassedthemselves。

“HarlequinConquerorandtheFieldofHastings，“attheotherhouse，isverypleasanttoo。TheirascibleWilliamisactedwithgreatvigorbySnoxall，andthebattleofHastingsisagoodpieceofburlesque。Sometriflinglibertiesaretakenwithhistory，butwhatlibertieswillnotthemerrygeniusofpantomimepermithimself?AtthebattleofHastings，WilliamisonthepointofbeingdefeatedbytheSussexvolunteers，veryelegantlyledbythealwaysprettyMissWaddy(asHacoSharpshooter)，whenashotfromtheNormanskillsHarold。ThefairyEdithhereuponcomesforward，andfindshisbody，whichstraightwayleapsupaliveharlequin，whilsttheConquerormakesanexcellentclown，andtheArchbishopofBayeuxadivertingpantaloon，&c。&c。&c。

Perhapsthesearenotthepantomimeswereallysaw；butonedescriptionwilldoaswellasanother。Theplots，yousee，arealittleintricateanddifficulttounderstandinpantomimes；andI

mayhavemixeduponewithanother。ThatIwasatthetheatreonBoxing-nightiscertain——butthepitwassofullthatIcouldonlyseefairylegsglitteringinthedistance，asIstoodatthedoor。

AndifIwasbadlyoff，Ithinktherewasayounggentlemanbehindmeworseoffstill。Iownthathehasgoodreason(thoughothershavenot)tospeakillofmebehindmyback，andherebybeghispardon。

LikewisetothegentlemanwhopickedupapartyinPiccadilly，whohadslippedandfalleninthesnow，andwasthereonhisback，utteringenergeticexpressions；thatpartybegstoofferthanks，andcomplimentsoftheseason。

Bob"sbehavioronNewYear"sday，IcanassureDr。Holyshade，washighlycreditabletotheboy。Hehadexpressedadeterminationtopartakeofeverydishwhichwasputonthetable；butaftersoup，fish，roast-beef，androast-goose，heretiredfromactivebusinessuntilthepuddingandmince-piesmadetheirappearance，ofwhichhepartookliberally，butnottoofreely。Andhegreatlyadvancedinmygoodopinionbypraisingthepunch，whichwasofmyownmanufacture，andwhichsomegentlemenpresent(Mr。O"M——g——n，amongstothers)pronouncedtobetooweak。Tooweak！Abottleofrum，abottleofMadeira，halfabottleofbrandy，andtwobottlesandahalfofwater——CANthismixturebesaidtobetooweakforanymortal?Ouryoungfriendamusedthecompanyduringtheeveningbyexhibitingatwo-shillingmagic-lantern，whichhehadpurchased，andlikewisebysinging“Sally，comeup！“aquaint，butrathermonotonousmelody，whichIamtoldissungbythepoornegroonthebanksofthebroadMississippi。

Whatotherenjoymentsdidweprofferforthechild"samusementduringtheChristmasweek?AgreatphilosopherwasgivingalecturetoyoungfolksattheBritishInstitution。ButwhenthisdiversionwasproposedtoouryoungfriendBob，hesaid，“Lecture?No，thankyou。NotasIknowson，“andmadesarcasticsignalsonhisnose。

PerhapsheisofDr。Johnson"sopinionaboutlectures:“Lectures，sir！whatmanwouldgotohearthatimperfectlyatalecture，whichhecanreadatleisureinabook?“Ineverwent，ofmyownchoice，toalecture；thatIcanvow。Asforsermons，theyaredifferent；I

delightinthem，andtheycannot，ofcourse，betoolong。

Well，wepartookofyetotherChristmasdelightsbesidespantomime，pudding，andpie。Oneglorious，onedelightful，onemostunluckyandpleasantday，wedroveinabrougham，withafamoushorse，whichcarriedusmorequicklyandbrisklythananyofyourvulgarrailways，overBatterseaBridge，onwhichthehorse"shoofsrungasifithadbeeniron；throughsuburbanvillages，plum-cakedwithsnow；underaleadensky，inwhichthesunhunglikeared-hotwarming-pan；bypondafterpond，wherenotonlymenandboys，butscoresafterscoresofwomenandgirls，weresliding，androaring，andclappingtheirleanoldsideswithlaughter，astheytumbleddown，andtheirhobnailedshoesflewupintheair；theairfrostywithalilachaze，throughwhichvillas，andcommons，andchurches，andplantationsglimmered。Wedriveupthehill，BobandI；wemakethelasttwomilesinelevenminutes；wepassthatpoor，armlessmanwhositsthereinthecold，followingyouwithhiseyes。Idon"tgiveanything，andBoblooksdisappointed。Wearesetdownneatlyatthegate，andahorse-holderopensthebroughamdoor。Idon"tgiveanything；againdisappointmentonBob"spart。Ipayashillingapiece，andweenterintothegloriousbuilding，whichisdecoratedforChristmas，andstraight-wayforgetfulnessonBob"spartofeverythingbutthatmagnificentscene。TheenormousedificeisalldecoratedforBobandChristmas。Thestalls，thecolumns，thefountains，courts，statues，splendors，areallcrownedforChristmas。ThedeliciousnegroissinginghisAlabamachorusesforChristmasandBob。Hehasscarcelydone，when，Tootarootatoo！Mr。

Punchisperforminghissurprisingactions，andhangingthebeadle。

Thestallsaredecorated。Therefreshment-tablesarepiledwithgoodthings；atmanyfountains“MULLEDCLARET“iswrittenupinappetizingcapitals。“MulledClaret——oh，jolly！Howcolditis！“

saysBob；Ipasson。“It"sonlythreeo"clock，“saysBob。“No，onlythree，“Isay，meekly。“Wedineatseven，“sighsBob，“andit"sso-o-ocoo-old。”Istillwouldtakenohints。Noclaret，norefreshment，nosandwiches，nosausage-rollsforBob。AtlastIamobligedtotellhimall。Justbeforewelefthome，alittleChristmasbillpoppedinatthedoorandemptiedmypurseatthethreshold。Iforgotallaboutthetransaction，andhadtoborrowhalfacrownfromJohnCoachmantopayforourentranceintothepalaceofdelight。NOWyousee，Bob，whyIcouldnottreatyouonthatsecondofJanuarywhenwedrovetothepalacetogether；whenthegirlsandboyswereslidingonthepondsatDulwich；whenthedarklingriverwasfulloffloatingice，andthesunwaslikeawarming-panintheleadensky。

OnemoreChristmassightwehad，ofcourse；andthatsightIthinkI

likeaswellasBobhimselfatChristmas，andatallseasons。Wewenttoacertaingardenofdelight，where，whateveryourcaresare，Ithinkyoucanmanagetoforgetsomeofthem，andmuse，andbenotunhappy；toagardenbeginningwithaZ，whichisaslivelyasNoah"sark；wherethefoxhasbroughthisbrush，andthecockhasbroughthiscomb，andtheelephanthasbroughthistrunk，andthekangaroohasbroughthisbag，andthecondorhisoldwhitewigandblacksatinhood。Onthisdayitwassocoldthatthewhitebearswinkedtheirpinkeyes，astheyplappedupanddownbytheirpool，andseemedtosay，“Aha，thisweatherremindsusofourdearhome！“

“Cold！bah！Ihavegotsuchawarmcoat，“saysbrotherBruin，“I

don"tmind；“andhelaughsonhispole，andclucksdownabun。Thesquealinghyaenasgnashedtheirteethandlaughedatusquiterefreshinglyattheirwindow；and，coldasitwas，Tiger，Tiger，burningbright，glaredatusred-hotthroughhisbars，andsnortedblastsofhell。Thewoollycamelleeredatusquitekindlyashepacedroundhisringonhissilentpads。Wewenttoourfavoriteplaces。Ourdearwambatcameup，andhadhimselfscratchedveryaffably。Ourfellow-creaturesinthemonkey-roomheldouttheirlittleblackhands，andpiteouslyaskedusforChristmasalms。

Thosedarlingalligatorsontheirrockwinkedatusinthemostfriendlyway。Thesolemneaglessatalone，andscowledatusfromtheirpeaks；whilstlittleTomRateltumbledoverheadandheelsforusinhisusualdivertingmanner。IfIhavecaresinmymind，I

cometotheZoo，andfancytheydon"tpassthegate。Irecognizemyfriends，myenemies，incountlesscages。Ientertainedtheeagle，thevulture，theoldbilly-goat，andtheblack-pated，crimson-

necked，blear-eyed，baggy，hook-beakedoldmaraboustorkyesterdayatdinner；andwhenBob"sauntcametoteaintheevening，andaskedhimwhathehadseen，hesteppeduptohergravely，andsaid——

“FirstIsawthewhitebear，thenIsawtheblack，ThenIsawthecamelwithahumpuponhisback。

Chorusofchildren:

ThenIsawthecamelwithaHUMPuponhisback！

ThenIsawthegraywolf，withmuttoninhismaw；

ThenIsawthewambatwaddleinthestraw；

ThenIsawtheelephantwithhiswavingtrunk，ThenIsawthemonkeys——mercy，howunpleasantlythey——smelt！“

There。Noonecanbeatthatpieceofwit，canhe，Bob?Andsoitisallover；butwehadajollytime，whilstyouwerewithus，hadn"twe?Presentmyrespectstothedoctor；andIhope，myboy，wemayspendanothermerryChristmasnextyear。

ONACHALK-MARKONTHEDOOR

Onthedoorpostofthehouseofafriendofmine，afewinchesabovethelock，isalittlechalk-markwhichsomesportiveboyinpassinghasprobablyscratchedonthepillar。Thedoor-steps，thelock，handle，andsoforth，arekeptdecentlyenough；butthischalk-mark，Isupposesomethreeinchesoutofthehousemaid"sbeat，hasalreadybeenonthedoorformorethanafortnight，andIwonderwhetheritwillbetherewhilstthispaperisbeingwritten，whilstitisattheprinter"s，and，infine，untilthemonthpassesover?Iwonderwhethertheservantsinthathousewillreadtheseremarksaboutthechalkmark?ThattheCornhillMagazineistakenininthathouseI

know。InfactIhaveseenitthere。InfactIhavereaditthere。

InfactIhavewrittenitthere。Inaword，thehousetowhichI

alludeismine——the“editor"sprivateresidence，“towhich，inspiteofprayers，entreaties，commands，andthreats，authors，andladiesespecially，WILLsendtheircommunications，althoughtheywon"tunderstandthattheyinjuretheirowninterestsbysodoing；forhowisamanwhohashisownworktodo，hisownexquisiteinventionstoformandperfect——MariatorescuefromtheunprincipledEarl——theatrociousGeneraltoconfoundinhisownmachinations——theangelicDeantopromotetoabishopric，andsoforth——howisamantodoallthis，underahundredinterruptions，andkeephisnervesandtemperinthatjustandequablestateinwhichtheyoughttobewhenhecomestoassumethecriticaloffice?Asyouwillsendhere，ladies，ImusttellyouyouhaveamuchworsechancethanifyouforwardyourvaluablearticlestoCornhill。Hereyourpapersarrive，atdinner-time，wewillsay。Doyousupposethatisapleasantperiod，andthatwearetocriticiseyoubetweentheovumandmalum，betweenthesoupandthedessert?Ihavetouched，Ithink，onthissubjectbefore。Isayagain，ifyouwantrealjusticeshownyou，don"tsendyourpaperstotheprivateresidence。Athome，forinstance，yesterday，havinggivenstrictordersthatIwastoreceivenobody，“exceptonbusiness，“doyousupposeasmilingyoungScottishgentleman，whoforcedhimselfintomystudy，andthereannouncedhimselfasagentofaCattle-foodCompany，wasreceivedwithpleasure?There，asIsatinmyarm-chair，supposehehadproposedtodrawacoupleofmyteeth，wouldIhavebeenpleased?Icouldhavethrottledthatagent。Idaresaythewholeofthatday"sworkwillbefoundtingedwithaferociousmisanthropy，occasionedbymycleveryoungfriend"sintrusion。Cattle-food，indeed！Asifbeans，oats，warmmashes，andaball，aretobepusheddownaman"sthroatjustasheismeditatingonthegreatsocialproblem，or(forI

thinkitwasmyepicIwasgoingtotouchup)justashewasabouttosoartotheheightoftheempyrean！

Havinggotmycattle-agentoutofthedoor，Iresumemyconsiderationofthatlittlemarkonthedoorpost，whichisscoredupasthetextofthepresentlittlesermon；andwhichIhopewillrelate，nottochalk，nortoanyofitsspecialusesorabuses(suchasmilk，neck-powder，andthelike)，buttoservants。Surelyoursmightremovethatunseemlylittlemark。Supposeitwereonmycoat，mightInotrequestitsremoval?Iremember，whenIwasatschool，alittlecarelessboy，uponwhoseforeheadanink-markremained，andwasperfectlyrecognizableforthreeweeksafteritsfirstappearance。MayItakeanynoticeofthischalk-stainontheforeheadofmyhouse?Whosebusinessisittowashthatforehead?

andoughtItofetchabrushandalittlehotwater，andwashitoffmyself?

Yes。Butthatspotremoved，whynotcomedownatsix，andwashthedoorsteps?Idaresaytheearlyrisingandexercisewoulddomeagreatdealofgood。Thehousemaid，inthatcase，mightlieinbedalittlelater，andhaveherteaandthemorningpaperbroughttoherinbed:then，ofcourse，Thomaswouldexpecttobehelpedaboutthebootsandknives；cookaboutthesaucepans，dishes，andwhatnot；

thelady"s-maidwouldwantsomebodytotakethecurl-papersoutofherhair，andgetherbathready。Youshouldhaveasetofservantsfortheservants，andtheseunderservantsshouldhaveslavestowaitonthem。Thekingcommandsthefirstlordinwaitingtodesirethesecondlordtointimatetothegentlemanushertorequestthepageoftheante-chambertoentreatthegroomofthestairstoimploreJohntoaskthecaptainofthebuttonstodesirethemaidofthestill-roomtobegthehousekeepertogiveoutafewmorelumpsofsugar，ashisMajestyhasnoneforhiscoffee，whichprobablyisgettingcoldduringthenegotiation。InourlittleBrentfordsweareallkings，moreorless。Thereareorders，gradations，hierarchies，everywhere。Inyourhouseandminetherearemysteriesunknowntous。Iamnotgoingintothehorridoldquestionof“followers。”Idon"tmeancousinsfromthecountry，love-strickenpolicemen，orgentlemeninmuftifromKnightsbridgeBarracks；butpeoplewhohaveanoccultrightonthepremises；theuncovenantedservantsofthehouse；graywomenwhoareseenateveningwithbasketsflittingaboutarea-railings；dingyshawlswhichdropyoufurtivecurtsiesinyourneighborhood；demurelittleJacks，whostartupfrombehindboxesinthepantry。ThoseoutsiderswearThomas"screstandlivery，andcallhim“Sir；“thosesilentwomenaddressthefemaleservantsas“Mum，“andcurtsybeforethem，squaringtheirarmsovertheirwretchedleanaprons。Then，again，thoseserviservorumhavedependantsinthevast，silent，poverty-

strickenworldoutsideyourcomfortablekitchenfire，intheworldofdarkness，andhunger，andmiserablecold，anddank，flaggedcellars，andhuddledstraw，andrags，inwhichpalechildrenareswarming。Itmaybeyourbeer(whichrunswithgreatvolubility)

hasapipeortwowhichcommunicateswiththosedarkcavernswherehopelessanguishpoursthegroan，andwouldscarceseelightbutforascraportwoofcandlewhichhasbeenwhippedawayfromyourworship"skitchen。Notmanyyearsago——Idon"tknowwhetherbeforeorsincethatwhitemarkwasdrawnonthedoor——aladyoccupiedtheconfidentialplaceofhousemaidinthis“privateresidence，“whobroughtagoodcharacter，whoseemedtohaveacheerfultemper，whomIusedtohearclatteringandbumpingoverheadoronthestairslongbeforedaylight——there，Isay，waspoorCamilla，scouringtheplain，trundlingandbrushing，andclatteringwithherpansandbrooms，andhummingatherwork。Well，shehadestablishedasmugglingcommunicationofbeerovertheareafrontier。Thisneat-handedPhyllisusedtopackupthenicestbasketsofmyprovender，andconveythemtosomebodyoutside——Ibelieve，onmyconscience，tosomepoorfriendindistress。Camillawasconsignedtoherdoom。

Shewassentbacktoherfriendsinthecountry；andwhenshewasgoneweheardofmanyofherfaults。Sheexpressedherself，whendispleased，inlanguagethatIshallnotrepeat。Asforthebeerandmeat，therewasnomistakeaboutthem。Butapres?CanIhavethehearttobeveryangrywiththatpoorjadeforhelpinganotherpoorerjadeoutofmylarder?Onyourhonorandconscience，whenyouwereaboy，andtheappleslookedtemptinglyoverFarmerQuarringdon"shedge，didyounever——?Whentherewasagranddinnerathome，andyouweresliding，withMasterBacon，upanddownthestairs，andthedishescameout，didyoueverdosuchathingasjustto——?Well，inmanyandmanyarespectservantsarelikechildren。Theyareunderdomination。Theyaresubjecttoreproof，toilltemper，topettyexactionsandstupidtyranniesnotseldom。

Theyscheme，conspire，fawn，andarehypocrites。“Littleboysshouldnotlollonchairs。”“Littlegirlsshouldbeseen，andnotheard；“andsoforth。Havewenotalmostalllearnttheseexpressionsofoldfoozles:andutteredthemourselveswheninthesquare-toedstate?TheEtonmaster，whowasbreakingalancewithourPaterfamiliasoflate，turnedonPaterfamilias，saying，Heknowsnotthenatureandexquisitecandorofwell-bredEnglishboys。

Exquisitefiddlestick"send，Mr。Master！Doyoumeanfortogofortotellusthattherelationsbetweenyounggentlemenandtheirschoolmastersareentirelyfrankandcordial；thattheladisfamiliarwiththemanwhocanhavehimflogged；nevershirkshisexercise；nevergetsotherboystodohisverses；neverdoesotherboys"verses；neverbreaksbounds；nevertellsfibs——Imeanthefibspermittedbyscholastichonor?DidIknowofaboywhopretendedtosuchacharacter，Iwouldforbidmyscapegracestokeepcompanywithhim。DidIknowaschoolmasterwhopretendedtobelieveintheexistenceofmanyhundredsuchboysinoneschoolatonetime，I

wouldsetthatmandownasababyinknowledgeoftheworld。“Whowasmakingthatnoise?““Idon"tknow，sir。”——Andheknowsitwastheboynexthiminschool。“Whowasclimbingoverthatwall?““I

don"tknow，sir。”——Anditisinthespeaker"sowntrousers，verylikely，theglassbottle-topshavelefttheircruelscars。Andsowithservants。“Whoateupthethreepigeonswhichwentdowninthepigeon-pieatbreakfastthismorning?““Odearme！sir，itwasJohn，whowentawaylastmonth！“——or，“IthinkitwasMissMary"scanary-bird，whichgotoutofthecage，andissofondofpigeons，itnevercanhaveenoughofthem。”Yes，itWASthecanary-bird；andElizasawit；andElizaisreadytovowshedid。Thesestatementsarenottrue；butpleasedon"tcallthemlies。Thisisnotlying；

thisisvotingwithyourparty。YouMUSTbackyourownside。Theservants"-hallstandsbytheservants"-hallagainstthedining-room。

Theschoolboysdon"ttelltalesofeachother。Theyagreenottochoosetoknowwhohasmadethenoise，whohasbrokenthewindow，whohaseatenupthepigeons，whohaspickedalltheplovers"-eggsoutoftheaspic，howitisthatliqueurbrandyofGledstane"sisinsuchporousglassbottles——andsoforth。SupposeBrutushadafootman，whocameandtoldhimthatthebutlerdranktheCuracoa，whichoftheseservantswouldyoudismiss?——thebutler，perhaps，butthefootmancertainly。

No。Ifyourplateandglassarebeautifullybright，yourbellquicklyanswered，andThomasready，neat，andgood-humored，youarenottoexpectabsolutetruthfromhim。Theveryobsequiousnessandperfectionofhisservicepreventstruth。Hemaybeeversounwellinmindorbody，andhemustgothroughhisservice——handtheshiningplate，replenishthespotlessglass，laytheglitteringfork——neverlaughwhenyouyourselforyourguestsjoke——beprofoundlyattentive，andyetlookutterlyimpassive——exchangeafewhurriedcursesatthedoorwiththatunseenslaveywhoministerswithout，andwithyoubeperfectlycalmandpolite。Ifyouareill，hewillcometwentytimesinanhourtoyourbell；orleavethegirlofhisheart——hismother，whoisgoingtoAmerica——hisdearestfriend，whohascometosayfarewell——hislunch，andhisglassofbeerjustfreshlypouredout——anyorallofthese，ifthedoor-bellrings，orthemastercallsout“THOMAS“fromthehall。Doyousupposeyoucanexpectabsolutecandorfromamanwhomyoumayordertopowderhishair?AsbetweentheRev。HenryHolyshadeandhispupil，theideaofentireunreserveisutterbosh；sothetruthasbetweenyouandJeamesorThomas，orMarythehousemaid，orBettythecook，isrelative，andnottobedemandedononesideortheother。Why，respectfulcivilityisitselfalie，whichpoorJeamesoftenhastoutterorperformtomanyaswaggeringvulgarian，whoshouldblackJeames"sboots，didJeameswearthemandnotshoes。

ThereisyourlittleTom，justten，orderingthegreat，large，quiet，orderlyyoungmanabout——shriekingcallsforhotwater——

bullyingJeamesbecausethebootsarenotvarnishedenough，ororderinghimtogotothestables，andaskJenkinswhythedeuceTomkinshasn"tbroughthisponyround——orwhatyouwill。ThereismammarappingtheknucklesofPincotthelady"s-maid，andlittleMissscoldingMartha，whowaitsupfivepairofstairsinthenursery。LittleMiss，Tommy，papa，mamma，youallexpectfromMartha，fromPincot，fromJenkins，fromJeames，obsequiouscivilityandwillingservice。Mydear，goodpeople，youcan"thavetruthtoo。Supposeyouaskforyournewspaper，andJeamessays，“I"mreadingit，andjestbegnottobedisturbed；“orsupposeyouaskforacanofwater，andheremarks，“Yougreat，big，"ulkingfellar，ain"tyoubigenoughtobringithupyoursulf?“whatwouldyourfeelingsbe?Now，ifyoumadesimilarproposalsorrequeststoMr。

Jonesnextdoor，thisisthekindofanswerJoneswouldgiveyou。

Yougettruthhabituallyfromequalsonly；somygoodMr。Holyshade，don"ttalktomeaboutthehabitualcandoroftheyoungEtonianofhighbirth，orIhavemyownopinionofYOURcandorordiscernmentwhenyoudo。No。TomBowlingisthesoulofhonorandhasbeentruetoBlack-eyedSyousansincethelasttimetheypartedatWappingOldStairs；butdoyousupposeTomisperfectlyfrank，familiar，andaboveboardinhisconversationwithAdmiralNelson，K。C。B。?Therearesecrets，prevarications，fibs，ifyouwill，betweenTomandtheAdmiral——betweenyourcrewandTHEIRcaptain。I

knowIhireaworthy，clean，agreeable，andconscientiousmaleorfemalehypocrite，atsomanyguineasayear，todosoandsoforme。

WereheotherthanhypocriteIwouldsendhimabouthisbusiness。

Don"tletmydispleasurebetoofiercewithhimforafibortwoonhisownaccount。