第3章

WhentheSupremeGovernmentisatSimla，thesepapersarepreparedthere，andgoroundtothepeoplewhooughttoseetheminoffice-

boxesorbypost。TheprincipleofsecrecywastothatViceroyquiteasimportantasthepractice，andheheldthatabenevolentdespotismlikeOursshouldneverallowevenlittlethings，suchasappointmentsofsubordinateclerks，toleakouttillthepropertime。Hewasalwaysremarkableforhisprinciples。

Therewasaveryimportantbatchofpapersinpreparationatthattime。IthadtotravelfromoneendofSimlatotheotherbyhand。

Itwasnotputintoanofficialenvelope，butalarge，square，pale-pinkone；thematterbeinginMS。onsoftcrinkleypaper。Itwasaddressedto“TheHeadClerk，etc。，etc。”Now，between“TheHeadClerk，etc。，etc。，“and“Mrs。Hauksbee“andaflourish，isnoverygreatdifferenceiftheaddressbewritteninaverybadhand，asthiswas。Thechaprassiwhotooktheenvelopewasnotmoreofanidiotthanmostchaprassis。Hemerelyforgotwherethismostunofficialcoverwastobedelivered，andsoaskedthefirstEnglishmanhemet，whohappenedtobeamanridingdowntoAnnandaleinagreathurry。TheEnglishmanhardlylooked，said:

“HauksbeeSahibkiMem，“andwenton。Sodidthechaprasss，becausethatletterwasthelastinstockandhewantedtogethisworkover。Therewasnobooktosign；hethrusttheletterintoMrs。Hauksbee"sbearer"shandsandwentofftosmokewithafriend。

Mrs。Hauksbeewasexpectingsomecut-outpatternthingsinflimsypaperfromafriend。Assoonasshegotthebigsquarepacket，therefore，shesaid，“Oh，theDEARcreature！“andtoreitopenwithapaper-knife，andalltheMS。enclosurestumbledoutonthefloor。

Mrs。Hauksbeebeganreading。Ihavesaidthebatchwasratherimportant。Thatisquiteenoughforyoutoknow。Itreferredtosomecorrespondence，twomeasures，aperemptoryordertoanativechiefandtwodozenotherthings。Mrs。Hauksbeegaspedassheread，forthefirstglimpseofthenakedmachineryoftheGreatIndianGovernment，strippedofitscasings，andlacquer，andpaint，andguard-rails，impresseseventhemoststupidman。AndMrs。

Hauksbeewasacleverwoman。Shewasalittleafraidatfirst，andfeltasifshehadlaidholdofalightning-flashbythetail，anddidnotquiteknowwhattodowithit。Therewereremarksandinitialsatthesideofthepapers；andsomeoftheremarkswererathermoreseverethanthepapers。Theinitialsbelongedtomenwhoarealldeadorgonenow；buttheyweregreatintheirday。

Mrs。Hauksbeereadonandthoughtcalmlyassheread。Thenthevalueofhertrovestruckher，andshecastaboutforthebestmethodofusingit。ThenTarriondroppedin，andtheyreadthroughallthepaperstogether，andTarrion，notknowinghowshehadcomebythem，vowedthatMrs。Hauksbeewasthegreatestwomanonearth。

WhichIbelievewastrue，ornearlyso。

“Thehonestcourseisalwaysthebest，“saidTarrionafteranhourandahalfofstudyandconversation。“Allthingsconsidered，theIntelligenceBranchisaboutmyform。EitherthatortheForeignOffice。IgotolaysiegetotheHighGodsintheirTemples。”

Hedidnotseekalittleman，oralittlebigman，oraweakHeadofastrongDepartment，buthecalledonthebiggestandstrongestmanthattheGovernmentowned，andexplainedthathewantedanappointmentatSimlaonagoodsalary。ThecompoundinsolenceofthisamusedtheStrongMan，and，ashehadnothingtodoforthemoment，helistenedtotheproposalsoftheaudaciousTarrion。

“Youhave，Ipresume，somespecialqualifications，besidesthegiftofself-assertion，fortheclaimsyouputforwards?“saidtheStrongMan。“That，Sir，“saidTarrion，“isforyoutojudge。”

Thenhebegan，forhehadagoodmemory，quotingafewofthemoreimportantnotesinthepapers——slowlyandonebyoneasamandropschlorodyneintoaglass。Whenhehadreachedtheperemptoryorder——

anditWASaperemptoryorder——theStrongManwastroubled。

Tarrionwoundup:——“AndIfancythatspecialknowledgeofthiskindisatleastasvaluablefor，letussay，aberthintheForeignOffice，asthefactofbeingthenephewofadistingushedofficer"swife。”ThathittheStrongManhard，forthelastappointmenttotheForeignOfficehadbeenbyblackfavor，andheknewit。“I"llseewhatIcandoforyou，“saidtheStrongMan。“Manythanks，“

saidTarrion。Thenheleft，andtheStrongMandepartedtoseehowtheappointmentwastobeblocked……

Followedapauseofelevendays；withthundersandlightningsandmuchtelegraphing。Theappointmentwasnotaveryimportantone，carryingonlybetweenRs。500andRs。700amonth；but，astheViceroysaid，itwastheprincipleofdiplomaticsecrecythathadtobemaintained，anditwasmorethanlikelythataboysowellsuppliedwithspecialinformationwouldbeworthtranslating。Sotheytranslatedhim。Theymusthavesuspectedhim，thoughheprotestedthathisinformationwasduetosingulartalentsofhisown。Now，muchofthisstory，includingtheafter-historyofthemissingenvelope，youmustfillinforyourself，becausetherearereasonswhyitcannotbewritten。IfyoudonotknowaboutthingsUpAbove，youwon"tunderstandhowtofillitin，andyouwillsayitisimpossible。

WhattheViceroysaidwhenTarrionwasintroducedtohimwas:——“So，thisistheboywho"rusked"theGovernmentofIndia，isit?

Recollect，Sir，thatisnotdoneTWICE。”Sohemusthaveknownsomething。

WhatTarrionsaidwhenhesawhisappointmentgazettedwas:——“IfMrs。Hauksbeeweretwentyyearsyounger，andIherhusband，I

shouldbeViceroyofIndiaintwentyyears。”

WhatMrs。Hauksbeesaid，whenTarrionthankedher，almostwithtearsinhiseyes，wasfirst:——“Itoldyouso！“andnext，toherself:——“Whatfoolsmenare！“

THECONVERSIONOFAURELIANMcGOGGIN。

Ridewithanidlewhip，ridewithanunusedheel。

But，onceinaway，therewillcomeadayWhenthecoltmustbetaughttofeelThelashthatfalls，andthecurbthatgalls，andthestingoftherowelledsteel。

Life"sHandicap。

Thisisnotataleexactly。ItisaTract；andIamimmenselyproudofit。MakingaTractisaFeat。

Everymanisentitledtohisownreligiousopinions；butnoman——

leastofallajunior——hasarighttothrustthesedownothermen"sthroats。TheGovernmentsendsoutweirdCiviliansnowandagain；

butMcGogginwasthequeerestexportedforalongtime。Hewasclever——brilliantlyclever——buthiscleverenessworkedthewrongway。Insteadofkeepingtothestudyofthevernaculars，hehadreadsomebookswrittenbyamancalledComte，Ithink，andamancalledSpencer，andaProfessorClifford。[YouwillfindthesebooksintheLibrary。]Theydealwithpeople"sinsidesfromthepointofviewofmenwhohavenostomachs。Therewasnoorderagainsthisreadingthem；buthisMammashouldhavesmackedhim。

Theyfermentedinhishead，andhecameouttoIndiawithararefiedreligionoverandabovehiswork。Itwasnotmuchofacreed。Itonlyprovedthatmenhadnosouls，andtherewasnoGodandnohereafter，andthatyoumustworryalongsomehowforthegoodofHumanity。

Oneofitsminortenetsseemedtobethattheonethingmoresinfulthangivinganorderwasobeyingit。Atleast，thatwaswhatMcGogginsaid；butIsuspecthehadmisreadhisprimers。

Idonotsayawordagainstthiscreed。ItwasmadeupinTown，wherethereisnothingbutmachineryandasphaltandbuilding——allshutinbythefog。Naturally，amangrowstothinkthatthereisnoonehigherthanhimself，andthattheMetropolitanBoardofWorksmadeeverything。Butinthiscountry，whereyoureallyseehumanity——raw，brown，nakedhumanity——withnothingbetweenitandtheblazingsky，andonlytheused-up，over-handledearthunderfoot，thenotionsomehowdiesaway，andmostfolkcomebacktosimplertheories。Life，inIndia，isnotlongenoughtowasteinprovingthatthereisnooneinparticularattheheadofaffairs。

Forthisreason。TheDeputyisabovetheAssistant，theCommissionerabovetheDeputy，theLieutenant-GovernorabovetheCommissioner，andtheViceroyaboveallfour，undertheordersoftheSecretaryofState，whoisresponsibletotheEmpress。IftheEmpressbenotresponsibletoherMaker——ifthereisnoMakerforhertoberesponsibleto——theentiresystemofOuradministrationmustbewrong。Whichismanifestlyimpossible。AtHomemenaretobeexcused。Theyarestalledupagooddealandgetintellectually“beany。”Whenyoutakeagross，"beany“horsetoexercise，heslaversandslobbersoverthebittillyoucan"tseethehorns。

Butthebitistherejustthesame。Mendonotget“beany“inIndia。Theclimateandtheworkareagainstplayingbrickswithwords。

IfMcGogginhadkepthiscreed，withthecapitallettersandtheendingsin“isms，“tohimself，noonewouldhavecared；buthisgrandfathersonbothsideshadbeenWesleyanpreachers，andthepreachingstraincameoutinhismind。HewantedeveryoneattheClubtoseethattheyhadnosoulstoo，andtohelphimtoeliminatehisCreator。Asagoodmanymentoldhim，HEundoubtedlyhadnosoul，becausehewassoyoung，butitdidnotfollowthathisseniorswereequallyundeveloped；and，whethertherewasanotherworldornot，amanstillwantedtoreadhispapersinthis。“Butthatisnotthepoint——thatisnotthepoint！“Aurelianusedtosay。Thenmenthrewsofa-cushionsathimandtoldhimtogotoanyparticularplacehemightbelievein。Theychristenedhimthe“Blastoderm“——hesaidhecamefromafamilyofthatnamesomewhere，inthepre-historicages——and，byinsultandlaughter，strovetochokehimdumb，forhewasanunmitigatednuisanceattheClub；besidesbeinganoffencetotheoldermen。HisDeputyCommissioner，whowasworkingontheFrontierwhenAurelianwasrollingonabed-quilt，toldhimthat，foracleverboy，Aurelianwasaverybigidiot。And，youknow，ifhehadgoneonwithhiswork，hewouldhavebeencaughtuptotheSecretariatinafewyears。Hewasjustthetypethatgoesthere——allhead，nophysiqueandahundredtheories。NotasoulwasinterestedinMcGoggin"ssoul。Hemighthavehadtwo，ornone，orsomebody"selse"s。HisbusinesswastoobeyordersandkeepabreastofhisfilesinsteadofdevastatingtheClubwith“isms。”

Heworkedbrilliantly；buthecouldnotacceptanyorderwithouttryingtobetterit。Thatwasthefaultofhiscreed。Itmadementooresponsibleandlefttoomuchtotheirhonor。Youcansometimesrideanoldhorseinahalter；butneveracolt。

McGoggintookmoretroubleoverhiscasesthananyofthemenofhisyear。Hemayhavefanciedthatthirty-pagejudgmentsonfifty-

rupeecases——bothsidesperjuredtothegullet——advancedthecauseofHumanity。Atanyrate，heworkedtoomuch，andworriedandfrettedovertherebukeshereceived，andlecturedawayonhisridiculouscreedoutofoffice，tilltheDoctorhadtowarnhimthathewasoverdoingit。NomancantoileighteenannasintherupeeinJunewithoutsuffering。ButMcGogginwasstillintellectually“beany“andproudofhimselfandhispowers，andhewouldtakenohint。Heworkedninehoursadaysteadily。

“Verywell，“saidthedoctor，“you"llbreakdownbecauseyouareover-enginedforyourbeam。”McGogginwasalittlechap。

Oneday，thecollapsecame——asdramaticallyasifithadbeenmeanttoembellishaTract。

ItwasjustbeforetheRains。Weweresittingintheverandahinthedead，hot，closeair，gaspingandprayingthattheblack-bluecloudswouldletdownandbringthecool。Very，veryfaraway，therewasafaintwhisper，whichwastheroaroftheRainsbreakingovertheriver。Oneofthemenheardit，gotoutofhischair，listened，andsaid，naturallyenough:——“ThankGod！“

ThentheBlastodermturnedinhisplaceandsaid:——“Why?Iassureyouit"sonlytheresultofperfectlynaturalcauses——atmosphericphenomenaofthesimplestkind。Whyyoushould，therefore，returnthankstoaBeingwhoneverdidexist——whoisonlyafigment——“

“Blastoderm，“gruntedthemaninthenextchair，“dryup，andthrowmeoverthePioneer。Weknowallaboutyourfigments。”TheBlastodermreachedouttothetable，tookuponepaper，andjumpedasifsomethinghadstunghim。Thenhehandedthepaperover。

“AsIwassaying，“hewentonslowlyandwithaneffort——“duetoperfectlynaturalcauses——perfectlynaturalcauses。Imean——“

“Hi！Blastoderm，you"vegivenmetheCalcuttaMercantileAdvertiser。”

Thedustgotupinlittlewhorls，whilethetreetopsrockedandthekiteswhistled。ButnoonewaslookingatthecomingoftheRains。

WewereallstaringattheBlastoderm，whohadrisenfromhischairandwasfightingwithhisspeech。Thenhesaid，stillmoreslowly:——

“Perfectlyconceivable——dictionary——redoak——amenable——cause——

retaining——shuttlecock——alone。”

“Blastoderm"sdrunk，“saidoneman。ButtheBlastodermwasnotdrunk。Helookedatusinadazedsortofway，andbeganmotioningwithhishandsinthehalflightasthecloudsclosedoverhead。

Then——withascream:——

“Whatisit?——Can"t——reserve——attainable——market——obscure——“

Buthisspeechseemedtofreezeinhim，and——justasthelightningshottwotonguesthatcutthewholeskyintothreepiecesandtherainfellinquiveringsheets——theBlastodermwasstruckdumb。Hestoodpawingandchampinglikeahard-heldhorse，andhiseyeswerefullofterror。

TheDoctorcameoverinthreeminutes，andheardthestory。“It"saphasia，“hesaid。“Takehimtohisroom。IKNEWthesmashwouldcome。”WecarriedtheBlastodermacross，inthepouringrain，tohisquarters，andtheDoctorgavehimbromideofpotassiumtomakehimsleep。

ThentheDoctorcamebacktousandtoldusthataphasiawaslikeallthearrearsof“PunjabHead“fallinginalump；andthatonlyoncebefore——inthecaseofasepoy——hadhemetwithsocompleteacase。Imyselfhaveseenmildaphasiainanoverworkedman，butthissuddendumbnesswasuncanny——though，astheBlastodermhimselfmighthavesaid，dueto“perfectlynaturalcauses。”

“He"llhavetotakeleaveafterthis，“saidtheDoctor。“Hewon"tbefitforworkforanotherthreemonths。No；itisn"tinsanityoranythinglikeit。It"sonlycompletelossofcontroloverthespeechandmemory。IfancyitwillkeeptheBlastodermquiet，though。”

Twodayslater，theBlastodermfoundhistongueagain。Thefirstquestionheaskedwas:“Whatwasit?“TheDoctorenlightenedhim。

“ButIcan"tunderstandit！“saidtheBlastoderm；“I"mquitesane；

butIcan"tbesureofmymind，itseems——myOWNmemory——canI?“

“GoupintotheHillsforthreemonths，anddon"tthinkaboutit，“

saidtheDoctor。

“ButIcan"tunderstandit，“repeatedtheBlastoderm。“ItwasmyOWNmindandmemory。”

“Ican"thelpit，“saidtheDoctor；“thereareagoodmanythingsyoucan"tunderstand；and，bythetimeyouhaveputinmylengthofservice，you"llknowexactlyhowmuchamandarecallhisowninthisworld。”

ThestrokecowedtheBlastoderm。Hecouldnotunderstandit。HewentintotheHillsinfearandtrembling，wonderingwhetherhewouldbepermittedtoreachtheendofanysentencehebegan。

Thisgavehimawholesomefeelingofmistrust。Thelegitimateexplanation，thathehadbeenoverworkinghimself，failedtosatisfyhim。Somethinghadwipedhislipsofspeech，asamotherwipesthemilkylipsofherchild，andhewasafraid——horriblyafraid。

SotheClubhadrestwhenhereturned；andifeveryoucomeacrossAurelianMcGogginlayingdownthelawonthingsHuman——hedoesn"tseemtoknowasmuchasheusedtoaboutthingsDivine——putyourforefingeronyourlipforamoment，andseewhathappens。

Don"tblamemeifhethrowsaglassatyourhead！

AGERMDESTROYER。

PleasantitisfortheLittleTinGods，WhengreatJovenods；

ButLittleTinGodsmaketheirlittlemistakesInmissingthehourwhengreatJovewakes。

Asageneralrule，itisinexpedienttomeddlewithquestionsofStateinalandwheremenarehighlypaidtoworkthemoutforyou。

Thistaleisajustifiableexception。

Onceineveryfiveyears，asyouknow，weindentforanewViceroy；

andeachViceroyimports，withtherestofhisbaggage，aPrivateSecretary，whomayormaynotbetherealViceroy，justasFateordains。FatelooksaftertheIndianEmpirebecauseitissobigandsohelpless。

TherewasaViceroyonce，whobroughtoutwithhimaturbulentPrivateSecretary——ahardmanwithasoftmannerandamorbidpassionforwork。ThisSecretarywascalledWonder——JohnFennilWonder。TheViceroypossessednoname——nothingbutastringofcountiesandtwo-thirdsofthealphabetafterthem。Hesaid，inconfidence，thathewastheelectro-platedfigureheadofagoldenadministration，andhewatchedinadreamy，amusedwayWonder"sattemptstodrawmatterswhichwereentirelyoutsidehisprovinceintohisownhands。“Whenweareallcherubimstogether，“saidHisExcellencyonce，mydear，goodfriendWonderwillheadtheconspiracyforpluckingoutGabriel"stail-feathersorstealingPeter"skeys。THENIshallreporthim。”

But，thoughtheViceroydidnothingtocheckWonder"sofficiousness，otherpeoplesaidunpleasantthings。MaybetheMembersofCouncilbeganit；but，finally，allSimlaagreedthattherewas“toomuchWonder，andtoolittleViceroy，“inthatregime。Wonderwasalwaysquoting“HisExcellency。”Itwas“HisExcellencythis，““HisExcellencythat，““IntheopinionofHisExcellency，“andsoon。TheViceroysmiled；buthedidnotheed。

Hesaidthat，solongashisoldmensquabbledwithhis“dear，goodWonder，“theymightbeinducedtoleavethe“ImmemorialEast“inpeace。

“Nowisemanhasapolicy，“saidtheViceroy。“APolicyistheblackmailleviedontheFoolbytheUnforeseen。Iamnottheformer，andIdonotbelieveinthelatter。”

Idonotquiteseewhatthismeans，unlessitreferstoanInsurancePolicy。PerhapsitwastheViceroy"swayofsaying:——

“Lielow。”

Thatseason，cameuptoSimlaoneofthesecrazypeoplewithonlyasingleidea。Thesearethemenwhomakethingsmove；buttheyarenotnicetotalkto。Thisman"snamewasMellish，andhehadlivedforfifteenyearsonlandofhisown，inLowerBengal，studyingcholera。Heheldthatcholerawasagermthatpropagateditselfasitflewthroughamuggyatmosphere；andstuckinthebranchesoftreeslikeawool-flake。Thegermcouldberenderedsterile，hesaid，by“Mellish"sOwnInvincibleFumigatory“——aheavyviolet-

blackpowder——“theresultoffifteenyears"scientificinvestigation，Sir！“

Inventorsseemverymuchalikeasacaste。Theytalkloudly，especiallyabout“conspiraciesofmonopolists；“theybeatuponthetablewiththeirfists；andtheysecretefragmentsoftheirinventionsabouttheirpersons。

MellishsaidthattherewasaMedical“Ring“atSimla，headedbytheSurgeon-General，whowasinleague，apparently，withalltheHospitalAssistantsintheEmpire。Iforgetexactlyhowheprovedit，butithadsomethingtodowith“skulkinguptotheHills；“andwhatMellishwantedwastheindependentevidenceoftheViceroy——

“StewardofourMostGraciousMajestytheQueen，Sir。”SoMellishwentuptoSimla，witheighty-fourpoundsofFumigatoryinhistrunk，tospeaktotheViceroyandtoshowhimthemeritsoftheinvention。

ButitiseasiertoseeaViceroythantotalktohim，unlessyouchancetobeasimportantasMellisheofMadras。Hewasasix-

thousand-rupeeman，sogreatthathisdaughtersnever“married。”

They“contractedalliances。”Hehimselfwasnotpaid。He“receivedemoluments，“andhisjourneysaboutthecountrywere“toursofobservation。”HisbusinesswastostirupthepeopleinMadraswithalongpole——asyoustirupstenchinapond——andthepeoplehadtocomeupoutoftheircomfortableoldwaysandgasp:——

“ThisisEnlightenmentandprogress。Isn"titfine！“ThentheygaveMellishestatuesandjasminegarlands，inthehopeofgettingridofhim。

MellishecameuptoSimla“toconferwiththeViceroy。”Thatwasoneofhisperquisites。TheViceroyknewnothingofMellisheexceptthathewas“oneofthosemiddle-classdeitieswhoseemnecessarytothespiritualcomfortofthisParadiseoftheMiddle-

classes，“andthat，inallprobability，hehad“suggested，designed，founded，andendowedallthepublicinstitutionsinMadras。”WhichprovesthatHisExcellency，thoughdreamy，hadexperienceofthewaysofsix-thousand-rupeemen。

Mellishe"snamewasE。MellisheandMellish"swasE。S。Mellish，andtheywerebothstayingatthesamehotel，andtheFatethatlooksaftertheIndianEmpireordainedthatWondershouldblunderanddropthefinal“e；“thattheChaprassishouldhelphim，andthatthenotewhichran:“DearMr。Mellish——Canyousetasideyourotherengagementsandlunchwithusattwoto-morrow?HisExcellencyhasanhouratyourdisposalthen，“shouldbegiventoMellishwiththeFumigatory。Henearlyweptwithprideanddelight，andattheappointedhourcanteredofftoPeterhoff，abigpaper-bagfulloftheFumigatoryinhiscoat-tailpockets。Hehadhischance，andhemeanttomakethemostofit。MellisheofMadrashadbeensoportentouslysolemnabouthis“conference，“thatWonderhadarrangedforaprivatetiffin——noA-D。C。"s，noWonder，noonebuttheViceroy，whosaidplaintivelythathefearedbeingleftalonewithunmuzzledautocratslikethegreatMellisheofMadras。

ButhisguestdidnotboretheViceroy。Onthecontrary，heamusedhim。MellishwasnervouslyanxioustogostraighttohisFumigatory，andtalkedatrandomuntiltiffinwasoverandHisExcellencyaskedhimtosmoke。TheViceroywaspleasedwithMellishbecausehedidnottalk“shop。”

Assoonasthecherootswerelit，Mellishspokelikeaman；

beginningwithhischolera-theory，reviewinghisfifteenyears"

“scientificlabors，“themachinationsofthe“SimlaRing，“andtheexcellenceofhisFumigatory，whiletheViceroywatchedhimbetweenhalf-shuteyesandthought:“Evidently，thisisthewrongtiger；butitisanoriginalanimal。”Mellish"shairwasstandingonendwithexcitement，andhestammered。Hebegangropinginhiscoat-tailsand，beforetheViceroyknewwhatwasabouttohappen，hehadtippedabagfulofhispowderintothebigsilverash-tray。

“J-j-judgeforyourself，Sir，“saidMellish。“Y"Excellencyshalljudgeforyourself！Absolutelyinfallible，onmyhonor。”

Heplungedthelightedendofhiscigarintothepowder，whichbegantosmokelikeavolcano，andsendupfat，greasywreathsofcopper-

coloredsmoke。Infivesecondstheroomwasfilledwithamostpungentandsickeningstench——areekthattookfierceholdofthetrapofyourwindpipeandshutit。Thepowderthenhissedandfizzed，andsentoutblueandgreensparks，andthesmokerosetillyoucouldneithersee，norbreathe，norgasp。Mellish，however，wasusedtoit。

“Nitrateofstrontia，“heshouted；“baryta，bone-meal，etcetera！

Thousandcubicfeetsmokepercubicinch。Notagermcouldlive——

notagerm，Y"Excellency！“

ButHisExcellencyhadfled，andwascoughingatthefootofthestairs，whileallPeterhoffhummedlikeahive。RedLancerscamein，andtheHeadChaprassi，whospeaksEnglish，camein，andmace-

bearerscamein，andladiesrandownstairsscreaming“fire；“forthesmokewasdriftingthroughthehouseandoozingoutofthewindows，andbellyingalongtheverandahs，andwreathingandwrithingacrossthegardens。NoonecouldentertheroomwhereMellishwaslecturingonhisFumigatory，tillthatunspeakablepowderhadburneditselfout。

ThenanAide-de-Camp，whodesiredtheV。C。，rushedthroughtherollingcloudsandhauledMellishintothehall。TheViceroywasprostratewithlaughter，andcouldonlywagglehishandsfeeblyatMellish，whowasshakingafreshbagfulofpowderathim。

“Glorious！Glorious！“sobbedhisExcellency。“Notagerm，asyoujustlyobserve，couldexist！Icanswearit。Amagnificentsuccess！“

Thenhelaughedtillthetearscame，andWonder，whohadcaughttherealMellishesnortingontheMall，enteredandwasdeeplyshockedatthescene。ButtheViceroywasdelighted，becausehesawthatWonderwouldpresentlydepart。MellishwiththeFumigatorywasalsopleased，forhefeltthathehadsmashedtheSimlaMedical“Ring。”……

FewmencouldtellastorylikeHisExcellencywhenhetookthetrouble，andtheaccountof“mydear，goodWonder"sfriendwiththepowder“wenttheroundofSimla，andflippantfolkmadeWonderunhappybytheirremarks。

ButHisExcellencytoldthetaleoncetoooften——forWonder。Ashemeanttodo。ItwasataSeepeePicnic。WonderwassittingjustbehindtheViceroy。

“AndIreallythoughtforamoment，“woundupHisExcellency，“thatmydear，goodWonderhadhiredanassassintoclearhiswaytothethrone！“

Everyonelaughed；buttherewasadelicatesubtinkleintheViceroy"stonewhichWonderunderstood。Hefoundthathishealthwasgivingway；andtheViceroyallowedhimtogo，andpresentedhimwithaflaming“character“foruseatHomeamongbigpeople。

“Myfaultentirely，“saidHisExcellency，inafterseasons，withatwinklinginhiseye。“Myinconsistencymustalwayshavebeendistastefultosuchamasterlyman。”

KIDNAPPED。

Thereisatideintheaffairsofmen，Which，takenanywayyouplease，isbad，AndstrandstheminforsakengutsandcreeksNodecentsoulwouldthinkofvisiting。

Youcannotstopthetide；butnowandthen，YoumayarrestsomerashadventurerWho——h"m——willhardlythankyouforyourpains。

Vibart"sMoralities。

Weareahigh-casteandenlightenedrace，andinfant-marriageisveryshockingandtheconsequencesaresometimespeculiar；but，nevertheless，theHindunotion——whichistheContinentalnotion——

whichistheaboriginalnotion——ofarrangingmarriagesirrespectiveofthepersonalinclinationsofthemarried，issound。Thinkforaminute，andyouwillseethatitmustbeso；unless，ofcourse，youbelievein“affinities。”Inwhichcaseyouhadbetternotreadthistale。Howcanamanwhohasnevermarried；whocannotbetrustedtopickupatsightamoderatelysoundhorse；whoseheadishotandupsetwithvisionsofdomesticfelicity，goaboutthechoosingofawife?Hecannotseestraightorthinkstraightifhetries；andthesamedisadvantagesexistinthecaseofagirl"sfancies。Butwhenmature，marriedanddiscreetpeoplearrangeamatchbetweenaboyandagirl，theydoitsensibly，withaviewtothefuture，andtheyoungcouplelivehappilyeverafterwards。Aseverybodyknows。

Properlyspeaking，GovernmentshouldestablishaMatrimonialDepartment，efficientlyofficered，withaJuryofMatrons，aJudgeoftheChiefCourt，aSeniorChaplain，andanAwfulWarning，intheshapeofalove-matchthathasgonewrong，chainedtothetreesinthecourtyard。AllmarriagesshouldbemadethroughtheDepartment，whichmightbesubordinatetotheEducationalDepartment，underthesamepenaltyasthatattachingtothetransferoflandwithoutastampeddocument。ButGovernmentwon"ttakesuggestions。Itpretendsthatitistoobusy。However，Iwillputmynotiononrecord，andexplaintheexamplethatillustratesthetheory。

Onceuponatimetherewasagoodyoungman——afirst-classofficerinhisownDepartment——amanwithacareerbeforehimand，possibly，aK。C。G。E。attheendofit。Allhissuperiorsspokewellofhim，becauseheknewhowtoholdhistongueandhispenatthepropertimes。Thereareto-dayonlyelevenmeninIndiawhopossessthissecret；andtheyhaveall，withoneexception，attainedgreathonorandenormousincomes。

Thisgoodyoungmanwasquietandself-contained——toooldforhisyearsbyfar。Whichalwayscarriesitsownpunishment。HadaSubaltern，oraTea-Planter"sAssistant，oranybodywhoenjoyslifeandhasnocareforto-morrow，donewhathetriedtodonotasoulwouldhavecared。ButwhenPeythroppe——theestimable，virtuous，economical，quiet，hard-working，youngPeythroppe——fell，therewasaflutterthroughfiveDepartments。

Themannerofhisfallwasinthisway。HemetaMissCastries——

d"Castriesitwasoriginally，butthefamilydroppedthed"foradministrativereasons——andhefellinlovewithherevenmoreenergeticallythatheworked。UnderstandclearlythattherewasnotabreathofawordtobesaidagainstMissCastries——notashadowofabreath。Shewasgoodandverylovely——possessedwhatinnocentpeopleathomecalla“Spanish“complexion，withthickblue-blackhairgrowinglowdownonherforehead，intoa“widow"speak，“andbigvioleteyesundereyebrowsasblackandasstraightasthebordersofaGazetteExtraordinarywhenabigmandies。But——but——

but。Well，shewasaVERYsweetgirlandverypious，butformanyreasonsshewas“impossible。”Quiteso。AllgoodMammasknowwhat“impossible“means。ItwasobviouslyabsurdthatPeythroppeshouldmarryher。Thelittleopal-tintedonyxatthebaseofherfinger-

nailssaidthisasplainlyasprint。Further，marriagewithMissCastriesmeantmarriagewithseveralotherCastries——HonoraryLieutenantCastries，herPapa，Mrs。EulalieCastries，herMamma，andalltheramificationsoftheCastriesfamily，onincomesrangingfromRs。175toRs。470amonth，andTHEIRwivesandconnectionsagain。

ItwouldhavebeencheaperforPeythroppetohaveassaultedaCommissionerwithadog-whip，ortohaveburnedtherecordsofaDeputyCommissioner"sOffice，thantohavecontractedanalliancewiththeCastries。Itwouldhaveweightedhisafter-careerless——

evenunderaGovernmentwhichneverforgetsandNEVERforgives。

EverybodysawthisbutPeythroppe。HewasgoingtomarryMissCastries，hewas——beingofageanddrawingagoodincome——andwoebetidethehousethatwouldnotafterwardsreceiveMrs。VirginieSaulezPeythroppewiththedeferenceduetoherhusband"srank。

ThatwasPeythroppe"sultimatum，andanyremonstrancedrovehimfrantic。

Thesesuddenmadnessesmostafflictthesanestmen。Therewasacaseonce——butIwilltellyouofthatlateron。Youcannotaccountforthemania，exceptunderatheorydirectlycontradictingtheoneaboutthePlacewhereinmarriagesaremade。Peythroppewasburninglyanxioustoputamillstoneroundhisneckattheoutsetofhiscareerandargumenthadnottheleasteffectonhim。HewasgoingtomarryMissCastries，andthebusinesswashisownbusiness。

Hewouldthankyoutokeepyouradvicetoyourself。Withamaninthiscondition，merewordsonlyfixhiminhispurpose。OfcoursehecannotseethatmarriageoutheredoesnotconcerntheindividualbuttheGovernmentheserves。

DoyourememberMrs。Hauksbee——themostwonderfulwomaninIndia?

ShesavedPlufflesfromMrs。Reiver，wonTarrionhisappointmentintheForeignOffice，andwasdefeatedinopenfieldbyMrs。Cusack-

Bremmil。SheheardofthelamentableconditionofPeythroppe，andherbrainstruckouttheplanthatsavedhim。ShehadthewisdomoftheSerpent，thelogicalcoherenceoftheMan，thefearlessnessoftheChild，andthetripleintuitionoftheWoman。Never——no，never——

aslongasatongabucketsdowntheSolondip，orthecouplesgoa-

ridingatthebackofSummerHill，willtherebesuchageniusasMrs。Hauksbee。SheattendedtheconsultationofThreeMenonPeythroppe"scase；andshestoodupwiththelashofherriding-whipbetweenherlipsandspake……

Threeweekslater，PeythroppedinedwiththeThreeMen，andtheGazetteofIndiacamein。Peythroppefoundtohissurprisethathehadbeengazettedamonth"sleave。Don"taskmehowthiswasmanaged。IbelievefirmlythatifMrs。Hauksbeegavetheorder，thewholeGreatIndianAdministrationwouldstandonitshead。

TheThreeMenhadalsoamonth"sleaveeach。PeythroppeputtheGazettedownandsaidbadwords。Thentherecamefromthecompoundthesoft“pad-pad“ofcamels——“thieves"camels，“thebikaneerbreedthatdon"tbubbleandhowlwhentheysitdownandgetup。

AfterthatIdon"tknowwhathappened。Thismuchiscertain。

Peythroppedisappeared——vanishedlikesmoke——andthelongfoot-restchairinthehouseoftheThreeMenwasbrokentosplinters。Alsoabedsteaddepartedfromoneofthebedrooms。

Mrs。HauksbeesaidthatMr。PeythroppewasshootinginRajputanawiththeThreeMen；sowewerecompelledtobelieveher。

Attheendofthemonth，Peythroppewasgazettedtwentydays"

extensionofleave；buttherewaswrathandlamentationinthehouseofCastries。Themarriage-dayhadbeenfixed，butthebridegroomnevercame；andtheD"Silvas，Pereiras，andDuckettsliftedtheirvoicesandmockedHonoraryLieutenantCastriesasonewhohadbeenbaselyimposedupon。Mrs。Hauksbeewenttothewedding，andwasmuchastonishedwhenPeythroppedidnotappear。Aftersevenweeks，PeythroppeandtheThreeMenreturnedfromRajputana。Peythroppewasinhard，toughcondition，ratherwhite，andmoreself-containedthanever。

OneoftheThreeMenhadacutonhisnose，causebythekickofagun。Twelve-boreskickrathercuriously。

ThencameHonoraryLieutenantCastries，seekingforthebloodofhisperfidiousson-in-lawtobe。Hesaidthings——vulgarand“impossible“thingswhichshowedtherawrough“ranker“belowthe“Honorary，“andIfancyPeythroppe"seyeswereopened。Anyhow，heheldhispeacetilltheend；whenhespokebriefly。HonoraryLieutenantCastriesaskedfora“peg“beforehewentawaytodieorbringasuitforbreachofpromise。

MissCastrieswasaverygoodgirl。Shesaidthatshewouldhavenobreachofpromisesuits。Shesaidthat，ifshewasnotalady，shewasrefinedenoughtoknowthatladieskepttheirbrokenheartstothemselves；and，assheruledherparents，nothinghappened。Lateron，shemarriedamostrespectableandgentlemanlyperson。HetravelledforanenterprisingfirminCalcutta，andwasallthatagoodhusbandshouldbe。

SoPeythroppecametohisrightmindagain，anddidmuchgoodwork，andwashonoredbyallwhoknewhim。Oneofthesedayshewillmarry；buthewillmarryasweetpink-and-whitemaiden，ontheGovernmentHouseList，withalittlemoneyandsomeinfluentialconnections，aseverywisemanshould。Andhewillnever，allhislife，tellherwhathappenedduringthesevenweeksofhisshooting-

tourinRajputana。

Butjustthinkhowmuchtroubleandexpense——forcamelhireisnotcheap，andthoseBikaneerbruteshadtobefedlikehumans——mighthavebeensavedbyaproperlyconductedMatrimonialDepartment，underthecontroloftheDirectorGeneralofEducation，butcorrespondingdirectwiththeViceroy。

THEARRESTOFLIEUTENANTGOLIGHTLY。

“"I"veforgottenthecountersign，"sez"e。

"Oh！You"aye，"aveyou?"sezI。

"ButI"mtheColonel，"sez"e。

"Oh！Youare，areyou?"sezI。"ColonelnornoColonel，youwaits"eretillI"mrelieved，an"theSarjintreportsonyouruglyoldmug。Coop！"sezI……

An"s"helpmesoul，"twastheColonelafterall！ButIwasarecruitythen。”

TheUneditedAutobiographyofPrivateOrtheris。

IFtherewasonethingonwhichGolightlypridedhimselfmorethananother，itwaslookinglike“anOfficerandagentleman。”HesaiditwasforthehonoroftheServicethatheattiredhimselfsoelaborately；butthosewhoknewhimbestsaidthatitwasjustpersonalvanity。TherewasnoharmaboutGolightly——notanounce。

Herecognizedahorsewhenhesawone，andcoulddomorethanfillacantle。Heplayedaveryfairgameatbilliards，andwasasoundmanatthewhist-table。Everyonelikedhim；andnobodyeverdreamedofseeinghimhandcuffedonastationplatformasadeserter。Butthissadthinghappened。

HewasgoingdownfromDalhousie，attheendofhisleave——ridingdown。Hehadcuthisleaveasfineashedared，andwantedtocomedowninahurry。

ItwasfairlywarmatDalhousie，andknowingwhattoexpectbelow，hedescendedinanewkhakisuit——tightfitting——ofadelicateolive-green；apeacock-bluetie，whitecollar，andasnowywhitesolahhelmet。Hepridedhimselfonlookingneatevenwhenhewasridingpost。Hedidlookneat，andhewassodeeplyconcernedabouthisappearancebeforehestartedthathequiteforgottotakeanythingbutsomesmallchangewithhim。Heleftallhisnotesatthehotel。Hisservantshadgonedowntheroadbeforehim，tobereadyinwaitingatPathankotewithachangeofgear。Thatwaswhathecalledtravellingin“lightmarching-order。”Hewasproudofhisfacultyoforganization——whatwecallbundobust。

Twenty-twomilesoutofDalhousieitbegantorain——notamerehill-

shower，butagood，tepidmonsoonishdownpour。Golightlybustledon，wishingthathehadbroughtanumbrella。Thedustontheroadsturnedintomud，andtheponymiredagooddeal。SodidGolightly"skhakigaiters。Buthekeptonsteadilyandtriedtothinkhowpleasantthecoolthwas。

Hisnextponywasratherabruteatstarting，andGolightly"shandsbeingslipperywiththerain，contrivedtogetridofGolightlyatacorner。Hechasedtheanimal，caughtit，andwentaheadbriskly。

Thespillhadnotimprovedhisclothesorhistemper，andhehadlostonespur。Hekepttheotheroneemployed。Bythetimethatstagewasended，theponyhadhadasmuchexerciseashewanted，and，inspiteoftherain，Golightlywassweatingfreely。Attheendofanothermiserablehalf-hour，Golightlyfoundtheworlddisappearbeforehiseyesinclammypulp。Therainhadturnedthepithofhishugeandsnowysolah-topeeintoanevil-smellingdough，andithadclosedonhisheadlikeahalf-openedmushroom。Alsothegreenliningwasbeginningtorun。

Golightlydidnotsayanythingworthrecordinghere。Hetoreoffandsqueezedupasmuchofthebrimaswasinhiseyesandploughedon。Thebackofthehelmetwasflappingonhisneckandthesidesstucktohisears，buttheleatherbandandgreenliningkeptthingsroughlytogether，sothatthehatdidnotactuallymeltawaywhereitflapped。

Presently，thepulpandthegreenstuffmadeasortofslimymildewwhichranoverGolightlyinseveraldirections——downhisbackandbosomforchoice。Thekhakicolorrantoo——itwasreallyshockinglybaddye——andsectionsofGolightlywerebrown，andpatcheswereviolet，andcontourswereochre，andstreakswereruddyred，andblotcheswerenearlywhite，accordingtothenatureandpeculiaritiesofthedye。Whenhetookouthishandkerchieftowipehisfaceandthegreenofthehat-liningandthepurplestuffthathadsoakedthroughontohisneckfromthetiebecamethoroughlymixed，theeffectwasamazing。

NearDhartherainstoppedandtheeveningsuncameoutanddriedhimupslightly。Itfixedthecolors，too。ThreemilesfromPathankotethelastponyfelldeadlame，andGolightlywasforcedtowalk。HepushedonintoPathankotetofindhisservants。Hedidnotknowthenthathiskhitmatgarhadstoppedbytheroadsidetogetdrunk，andwouldcomeonthenextdaysayingthathehadsprainedhisankle。WhenhegotintoPathankote，hecouldn"tfindhisservants，hisbootswerestiffandropywithmud，andtherewerelargequantitiesofdirtabouthisbody。Thebluetiehadrunasmuchasthekhaki。Sohetookitoffwiththecollarandthrewitaway。Thenhesaidsomethingaboutservantsgenerallyandtriedtogetapeg。Hepaideightannasforthedrink，andthisrevealedtohimthathehadonlysixannasmoreinhispocket——orintheworldashestoodatthathour。

HewenttotheStation-Mastertonegotiateforafirst-classtickettoKhasa，wherehewasstationed。Thebooking-clerksaidsomethingtotheStation-Master，theStation-MastersaidsomethingtotheTelegraphClerk，andthethreelookedathimwithcuriosity。Theyaskedhimtowaitforhalf-an-hour，whiletheytelegraphedtoUmritsarforauthority。Sohewaited，andfourconstablescameandgroupedthemselvespicturesquelyroundhim。Justashewaspreparingtoaskthemtogoaway，theStation-MastersaidthathewouldgivetheSahibatickettoUmritsar，iftheSahibwouldkindlycomeinsidethebooking-office。Golightlysteppedinside，andthenextthingheknewwasthataconstablewasattachedtoeachofhislegsandarms，whiletheStation-Masterwastryingtocramamailbagoverhishead。

Therewasaveryfairscuffleallroundthebooking-office，andGolightlyreceivedanastycutoverhiseyethroughfallingagainstatable。Buttheconstablesweretoomuchforhim，andtheyandtheStation-Masterhandcuffedhimsecurely。Assoonasthemail-bagwasslipped，hebeganexpressinghisopinions，andthehead-constablesaid:——“Withoutdoubtthisisthesoldier-Englishmanwerequired。

Listentotheabuse！“ThenGolightlyaskedtheStation-Masterwhatthethisandthethattheproceedingsmeant。TheStation-Mastertoldhimhewas“PrivateJohnBinkleofthe——Regiment，5ft。9

in。，fairhair，grayeyes，andadissipatedappearance，nomarksonthebody，“whohaddesertedafortnightago。Golightlybeganexplainingatgreatlength；andthemoreheexplainedthelesstheStation-Masterbelievedhim。HesaidthatnoLieutenantcouldlooksucharuffianasdidGolightly，andthathisinstructionsweretosendhiscaptureunderproperescorttoUmritsar。Golightlywasfeelingverydampanduncomfortable，andthelanguageheusedwasnotfitforpublication，eveninanexpurgatedform。ThefourconstablessawhimsafetoUmritsarinan“intermediate“

compartment，andhespentthefour-hourjourneyinabusingthemasfluentlyashisknowledgeofthevernacularsallowed。

AtUmritsarhewasbundledoutontheplatformintothearmsofaCorporalandtwomenofthe——Regiment。Golightlydrewhimselfupandtriedtocarryoffmattersjauntily。Hedidnotfeeltoojauntyinhandcuffs，withfourconstablesbehindhim，andthebloodfromthecutonhisforeheadstiffeningonhisleftcheek。TheCorporalwasnotjoculareither。Golightlygotasfaras——“Thisisaveryabsurdmistake，mymen，“whentheCorporaltoldhimto“stowhislip“andcomealong。Golightlydidnotwanttocomealong。Hedesiredtostopandexplain。Heexplainedverywellindeed，untiltheCorporalcutinwith:——“YOUaorficer！It"sthelikeo"YOUasbringsdisgraceonthelikesofUS。Bloom-in"fineorficeryouare！

Iknowyourregiment。TheRogue"sMarchisthequickstepwhereyoucomefrom。You"reablackshametotheService。”

Golightlykepthistemper，andbeganexplainingalloveragainfromthebeginning。Thenhewasmarchedoutoftherainintotherefreshment-roomandtoldnottomakeaqualifiedfoolofhimself。

ThemenweregoingtorunhimuptoFortGovindghar。And“runningup“isaperformancealmostasundignifiedastheFrogMarch。

Golightlywasnearlyhystericalwithrageandthechillandthemistakeandthehandcuffsandtheheadachethatthecutonhisforeheadhadgivenhim。Hereallylaidhimselfouttoexpresswhatwasinhismind。Whenhehadquitefinishedandhisthroatwasfeelingdry，oneofthemensaid:——“I"ve"eardafewbeggarsintheclickblind，stiffandcrackonabit；butI"venever"eardanyonetotouchthis"ere"orficer。"“Theywerenotangrywithhim。Theyratheradmiredhim。Theyhadsomebeerattherefreshment-room，andofferedGolightlysometoo，becausehehad“sworewon"erful。”TheyaskedhimtotellthemallabouttheadventuresofPrivateJohnBinklewhilehewaslooseonthecountryside；andthatmadeGolightlywilderthanever。Ifhehadkepthiswitsabouthimhewouldhavekeptquietuntilanofficercame；butheattemptedtorun。

NowthebuttofaMartiniinthesmallofyourbackhurtsagreatdeal，androtten，rain-soakedkhakitearseasilywhentwomenarejerkingatyourcollar。

Golightlyrosefromthefloorfeelingverysickandgiddy，withhisshirtrippedopenalldownhisbreastandnearlyalldownhisback。

Heyieldedtohisluck，andatthatpointthedown-trainfromLahorecameincarryingoneofGolightly"sMajors。

ThisistheMajor"sevidenceinfull:——

“Therewasthesoundofascuffleinthesecond-classrefreshment-

room，soIwentinandsawthemostvillainousloaferthatIeverseteyeson。Hisbootsandbreecheswereplasteredwithmudandbeer-stains。Heworeamuddy-whitedunghillsortofthingonhishead，andithungdowninslipsonhisshoulders，whichwereagooddealscratched。Hewashalfinandhalfoutofashirtasnearlyintwopiecesasitcouldbe，andhewasbeggingtheguardtolookatthenameonthetailofit。Ashehadruckedtheshirtalloverhishead，Icouldn"tatfirstseewhohewas，butIfanciedthathewasamaninthefirststageofD。T。fromthewayhesworewhilehewrestledwithhisrags。Whenheturnedround，andIhadmadeallowanceforalumpasbigasapork-pieoveroneeye，andsomegreenwar-paintontheface，andsomevioletstripesroundtheneck，IsawthatitwasGolightly。Hewasverygladtoseeme，“saidtheMajor，“andhehopedIwouldnottelltheMessaboutit。Ididn"t，butyoucanifyoulike，nowthatGolightlyhasgoneHome。”

GolightlyspentthegreaterpartofthatsummerintryingtogettheCorporalandthetwosoldierstriedbyCourt-Martialforarrestingan“officerandagentleman。”Theywere，ofcourse，verysorryfortheirerror。Butthetaleleakedintotheregimentalcanteen，andthenceranabouttheProvince。

THEHOUSEOFSUDDHOO

Astone"sthrowoutoneitherhandFromthatwell-orderedroadwetread，Andalltheworldiswildandstrange；

ChurelandghoulandDjinnandspriteShallbearuscompanyto-night，ForwehavereachedtheOldestLandWhereinthePowersofDarknessrange。

FromtheDusktotheDawn。

ThehouseofSuddhoo，neartheTaksaliGate，istwo-storied，withfourcarvedwindowsofoldbrownwood，andaflatroof。Youmayrecognizeitbyfiveredhand-printsarrangedliketheFiveofDiamondsonthewhitewashbetweentheupperwindows。BhagwanDass，thebunnia，andamanwhosayshegetshislivingbyseal-cutting，liveinthelowerstorywithatroopofwives，servants，friends，andretainers。ThetwoupperroomsusedtobeoccupiedbyJanooandAzizunandalittleblack-and-tanterrierthatwasstolenfromanEnglishman"shouseandgiventoJanoobyasoldier。To-day，onlyJanoolivesintheupperrooms。Suddhoosleepsontheroofgenerally，exceptwhenhesleepsinthestreet。HeusedtogotoPeshawarinthecoldweathertovisithisson，whosellscuriositiesneartheEdwardes"Gate，andthenhesleptunderarealmudroof。

Suddhooisagreatfriendofmine，becausehiscousinhadasonwhosecured，thankstomyrecommendation，thepostofhead-messengertoabigfirmintheStation。SuddhoosaysthatGodwillmakemeaLieutenant-Governoroneofthesedays。Idaresayhisprophecywillcometrue。Heisvery，veryold，withwhitehairandnoteethworthshowing，andhehasoutlivedhiswits——outlivednearlyeverythingexcepthisfondnessforhissonatPeshawar。JanooandAzizunareKashmiris，LadiesoftheCity，andtheirswasanancientandmoreorlesshonorableprofession；butAzizunhassincemarriedamedicalstudentfromtheNorth-WestandhassettleddowntoamostrespectablelifesomewherenearBareilly。BhagwanDassisanextortionateandanadulterator。Heisveryrich。Themanwhoissupposedtogethislivingbyseal-cuttingpretendstobeverypoor。

ThisletsyouknowasmuchasisnecessaryofthefourprincipaltenantsinthehouseofSuddhoo。ThenthereisMe，ofcourse；butI

amonlythechorusthatcomesinattheendtoexplainthings。SoI

donotcount。

Suddhoowasnotclever。Themanwhopretendedtocutsealswasthecleverestofthemall——BhagwanDassonlyknewhowtolie——exceptJanoo。Shewasalsobeautiful，butthatwasherownaffair。

Suddhoo"ssonatPeshawarwasattackedbypleurisy，andoldSuddhoowastroubled。Theseal-cuttermanheardofSuddhoo"sanxietyandmadecapitaloutofit。Hewasabreastofthetimes。HegotafriendinPeshawartotelegraphdailyaccountsoftheson"shealth。

Andherethestorybegins。

Suddhoo"scousin"ssontoldme，oneevening，thatSuddhoowantedtoseeme；thathewastoooldandfeebletocomepersonally，andthatIshouldbeconferringaneverlastinghonorontheHouseofSuddhooifIwenttohim。Iwent；butIthink，seeinghowwell-offSuddhoowasthen，thathemighthavesentsomethingbetterthananekka，whichjoltedfearfully，tohauloutafutureLieutenant-GovernortotheCityonamuggyAprilevening。Theekkadidnotrunquickly。

ItwasfulldarkwhenwepulledupoppositethedoorofRanjitSingh"sTombnearthemaingateoftheFort。HerewasSuddhooandhesaidthat，byreasonofmycondescension，itwasabsolutelycertainthatIshouldbecomeaLieutenant-Governorwhilemyhairwasyetblack。Thenwetalkedabouttheweatherandthestateofmyhealth，andthewheatcrops，forfifteenminutes，intheHuzuriBagh，underthestars。

Suddhoocametothepointatlast。HesaidthatJanoohadtoldhimthattherewasanorderoftheSirkaragainstmagic，becauseitwasfearedthatmagicmightonedaykilltheEmpressofIndia。Ididn"tknowanythingaboutthestateofthelaw；butIfanciedthatsomethinginterestingwasgoingtohappen。IsaidthatsofarfrommagicbeingdiscouragedbytheGovernmentitwashighlycommended。

ThegreatestofficialsoftheStatepracticeditthemselves。(IftheFinancialStatementisn"tmagic，Idon"tknowwhatis。)Then，toencouragehimfurther，Isaidthat，iftherewasanyjadooafoot，Ihadnottheleastobjectiontogivingitmycountenanceandsanction，andtoseeingthatitwascleanjadoo——whitemagic，asdistinguishedfromtheuncleanjadoowhichkillsfolk。IttookalongtimebeforeSuddhooadmittedthatthiswasjustwhathehadaskedmetocomefor。Thenhetoldme，injerksandquavers，thatthemanwhosaidhecutsealswasasorcererofthecleanestkind；

thateverydayhegaveSuddhoonewsofthesicksoninPeshawarmorequicklythanthelightningcouldfly，andthatthisnewswasalwayscorroboratedbytheletters。Further，thathehadtoldSuddhoohowagreatdangerwasthreateninghisson，whichcouldberemovedbycleanjadoo；and，ofcourse，heavypayment。Ibegantoseehowthelandlay，andtoldSuddhoothatIalsounderstoodalittlejadoointheWesternline，andwouldgotohishousetoseethateverythingwasdonedecentlyandinorder。Wesetofftogether；andonthewaySuddhootoldmehehadpaidtheseal-cutterbetweenonehundredandtwohundredrupeesalready；andthejadooofthatnightwouldcosttwohundredmore。Whichwascheap，hesaid，consideringthegreatnessofhisson"sdanger；butIdonotthinkhemeantit。

Thelightswereallcloakedinthefrontofthehousewhenwearrived。Icouldhearawfulnoisesfrombehindtheseal-cutter"sshop-front，asifsomeoneweregroaninghissoulout。Suddhooshookallover，andwhilewegropedourwayupstairstoldmethatthejadoohadbegun。JanooandAzizunmetusatthestair-head，andtoldusthatthejadoo-workwascomingoffintheirrooms，becausetherewasmorespacethere。Janooisaladyofafreethinkingturnofmind。ShewhisperedthatthejadoowasaninventiontogetmoneyoutofSuddhoo，andthattheseal-cutterwouldgotoahotplacewhenhedied。Suddhoowasnearlycryingwithfearandoldage。Hekeptwalkingupanddowntheroominthehalflight，repeatinghisson"snameoverandoveragain，andaskingAzizuniftheseal-cutteroughtnottomakeareductioninthecaseofhisownlandlord。

Janoopulledmeovertotheshadowintherecessofthecarvedbow-

windows。Theboardswereup，andtheroomswereonlylitbyonetinylamp。TherewasnochanceofmybeingseenifIstayedstill。

Presently，thegroansbelowceased，andweheardstepsonthestaircase。Thatwastheseal-cutter。HestoppedoutsidethedoorastheterrierbarkedandAzizunfumbledatthechain，andhetoldSuddhootoblowoutthelamp。Thislefttheplaceinjetdarkness，exceptfortheredglowfromthetwohuqasthatbelongedtoJanooandAzizun。Theseal-cuttercamein，andIheardSuddhoothrowhimselfdownonthefloorandgroan。Azizuncaughtherbreath，andJanoobackedtooneofthebedswithashudder。Therewasaclinkofsomethingmetallic，andthenshotupapaleblue-greenflameneartheground。ThelightwasjustenoughtoshowAzizun，pressedagainstonecorneroftheroomwiththeterrierbetweenherknees；

Janoo，withherhandsclasped，leaningforwardasshesatonthebed；Suddhoo，facedown，quivering，andtheseal-cutter。

IhopeImayneverseeanothermanlikethatseal-cutter。Hewasstrippedtothewaist，withawreathofwhitejasmineasthickasmywristroundhisforehead，asalmon-coloredloin-clothroundhismiddle，andasteelbangleoneachankle。Thiswasnotawe-

inspiring。Itwasthefaceofthemanthatturnedmecold。Itwasblue-grayinthefirstplace。Inthesecond，theeyeswererolledbacktillyoucouldonlyseethewhitesofthem；and，inthethird，thefacewasthefaceofademon——aghoul——anythingyoupleaseexceptofthesleek，oilyoldruffianwhosatintheday-timeoverhisturning-lathedownstairs。Hewaslyingonhisstomach，withhisarmsturnedandcrossedbehindhim，asifhehadbeenthrowndownpinioned。Hisheadandneckweretheonlypartsofhimoffthefloor。Theywerenearlyatrightanglestothebody，liketheheadofacobraatspring。Itwasghastly。Inthecentreoftheroom，onthebareearthfloor，stoodabig，deep，brassbasin，withapaleblue-greenlightfloatinginthecentrelikeanight-light。Roundthatbasinthemanonthefloorwriggledhimselfthreetimes。HowhediditIdonotknow。Icouldseethemusclesripplealonghisspineandfallsmoothagain；butIcouldnotseeanyothermotion。

Theheadseemedtheonlythingaliveabouthim，exceptthatslowcurlanduncurlofthelaboringback-muscles。Janoofromthebedwasbreathingseventytotheminute；Azizunheldherhandsbeforehereyes；andoldSuddhoo，fingeringatthedirtthathadgotintohiswhitebeard，wascryingtohimself。Thehorrorofitwasthatthecreeping，crawlythingmadenosound——onlycrawled！And，remember，thislastedfortenminutes，whiletheterrierwhined，andAzizunshuddered，andJanoogasped，andSuddhoocried。

Ifeltthehairliftatthebackofmyhead，andmyheartthumplikeathermantidotepaddle。Luckily，theseal-cutterbetrayedhimselfbyhismostimpressivetrickandmademecalmagain。Afterhehadfinishedthatunspeakabletriplecrawl，hestretchedhisheadawayfromthefloorashighashecould，andsentoutajetoffirefromhisnostrils。Now，Iknewhowfire-spoutingisdone——Icandoitmyself——soIfeltatease。Thebusinesswasafraud。Ifhehadonlykepttothatcrawlwithouttryingtoraisetheeffect，goodnessknowswhatImightnothavethought。Boththegirlsshriekedatthejetoffireandtheheaddropped，chindown，onthefloorwithathud；thewholebodylyingthenlikeacorpsewithitsarmstrussed。

Therewasapauseoffivefullminutesafterthis，andtheblue-

greenflamedieddown。Janoostoopedtosettleoneofheranklets，whileAzizunturnedherfacetothewallandtooktheterrierinherarms。SuddhooputoutanarmmechanicallytoJanoo"shuqa，andshesliditacrossthefloorwithherfoot。Directlyabovethebodyandonthewall，wereacoupleofflamingportraits，instampedpaperframes，oftheQueenandthePrinceofWales。Theylookeddownontheperformance，and，tomythinking，seemedtoheightenthegrotesquenessofitall。

Justwhenthesilencewasgettingunendurable，thebodyturnedoverandrolledawayfromthebasintothesideoftheroom，whereitlaystomachup。Therewasafaint“plop“fromthebasin——exactlylikethenoiseafishmakeswhenittakesafly——andthegreenlightinthecentrerevived。

Ilookedatthebasin，andsaw，bobbinginthewater，thedried，shrivelled，blackheadofanativebaby——openeyes，openmouthandshavedscalp。Itwasworse，beingsoverysudden，thanthecrawlingexhibition。Wehadnotimetosayanythingbeforeitbegantospeak。

ReadPoe"saccountofthevoicethatcamefromthemesmerizeddyingman，andyouwillrealizelessthanone-halfofthehorrorofthathead"svoice。

Therewasanintervalofasecondortwobetweeneachword，andasortof“ring，ring，ring，“inthenoteofthevoice，likethetimbreofabell。Itpealedslowly，asiftalkingtoitself，forseveralminutesbeforeIgotridofmycoldsweat。Thentheblessedsolutionstruckme。Ilookedatthebodylyingnearthedoorway，andsaw，justwherethehollowofthethroatjoinsontheshoulders，amusclethathadnothingtodowithanyman"sregularbreathing，twitchingawaysteadily。ThewholethingwasacarefulreproductionoftheEgyptianteraphinthatonereadaboutsometimesandthevoicewasascleverandasappallingapieceofventriloquismasonecouldwishtohear。Allthistimetheheadwas“lip-lip-lapping“againstthesideofthebasin，andspeaking。IttoldSuddhoo，onhisfaceagainwhining，ofhisson"sillnessandofthestateoftheillnessuptotheeveningofthatverynight。Ialwaysshallrespecttheseal-cutterforkeepingsofaithfullytothetimeofthePeshawartelegrams。Itwentontosaythatskilleddoctorswerenightanddaywatchingovertheman"slife；andthathewouldeventuallyrecoverifthefeetothepotentsorcerer，whoseservantwastheheadinthebasin，weredoubled。

Herethemistakefromtheartisticpointofviewcamein。ToaskfortwiceyourstipulatedfeeinavoicethatLazarusmighthaveusedwhenherosefromthedead，isabsurd。Janoo，whoisreallyawomanofmasculineintellect，sawthisasquicklyasIdid。Iheardhersay“Aslinahin！Fareib！“scornfullyunderherbreath；andjustasshesaidso，thelightinthebasindiedout，theheadstoppedtalking，andweheardtheroomdoorcreakonitshinges。ThenJanoostruckamatch，litthelamp，andwesawthathead，basin，andseal-

cutterweregone。Suddhoowaswringinghishandsandexplainingtoanyonewhocaredtolisten，that，ifhischancesofeternalsalvationdependedonit，hecouldnotraiseanothertwohundredrupees。Azizunwasnearlyinhystericsinthecorner；whileJanoosatdowncomposedlyononeofthebedstodiscusstheprobabilitiesofthewholethingbeingabunao，or“make-up。”

IexplainedasmuchasIknewoftheseal-cutter"swayofjadoo；butherargumentwasmuchmoresimple:——“Themagicthatisalwaysdemandinggiftsisnotruemagic，“saidshe。“Mymothertoldmethattheonlypotentlove-spellsarethosewhicharetoldyouforlove。Thisseal-cuttermanisaliarandadevil。Idarenottell，doanything，orgetanythingdone，becauseIamindebttoBhagwanDassthebunniafortwogoldringsandaheavyanklet。Imustgetmyfoodfromhisshop。Theseal-cutteristhefriendofBhagwanDass，andhewouldpoisonmyfood。Afool"sjadoohasbeengoingonfortendays，andhascostSuddhoomanyrupeeseachnight。Theseal-cutterusedblackhensandlemonsandmantrasbefore。Henevershowedusanythinglikethistillto-night。Azizunisafool，andwillbeapurdahnashinsoon。Suddhoohaslosthisstrengthandhiswits。Seenow！IhadhopedtogetfromSuddhoomanyrupeeswhilehelived，andmanymoreafterhisdeath；andbehold，heisspendingeverythingonthatoffspringofadevilandashe-ass，theseal-

cutter！“

HereIsaid:——“ButwhatinducedSuddhootodragmeintothebusiness?OfcourseIcanspeaktotheseal-cutter，andheshallrefund。Thewholethingischild"stalk——shame——andsenseless。”

“SuddhooISanoldchild，“saidJanoo。“Hehaslivedontheroofstheseseventyyearsandisassenselessasamilch-goat。HebroughtyouheretoassurehimselfthathewasnotbreakinganylawoftheSirkar，whosesaltheatemanyyearsago。Heworshipsthedustoffthefeetoftheseal-cutter，andthatcow-devourerhasforbiddenhimtogoandseehisson。WhatdoesSuddhooknowofyourlawsorthelightning-post?Ihavetowatchhismoneygoingdaybydaytothatlyingbeastbelow。”

Janoostampedherfootonthefloorandnearlycriedwithvexation；

whileSuddhoowaswhimperingunderablanketinthecorner，andAzizunwastryingtoguidethepipe-stemtohisfoolisholdmouth……

Nowthecasestandsthus。Unthinkingly，Ihavelaidmyselfopentothechargeofaidingandabettingtheseal-cutterinobtainingmoneyunderfalsepretences，whichisforbiddenbySection420oftheIndianPenalCode。Iamhelplessinthematterforthesereasons，I

cannotinformthePolice。Whatwitnesseswouldsupportmystatements?Janoorefusesflatly，AzizunisaveiledwomansomewherenearBareilly——lostinthisbigIndiaofours。Icannotagaintakethelawintomyownhands，andspeaktotheseal-cutter；

forcertainamIthat，notonlywouldSuddhoodisbelieveme，butthisstepwouldendinthepoisoningofJanoo，whoisboundhandandfootbyherdebttothebunnia。Suddhooisanolddotard；andwheneverwemeetmumblesmyidioticjokethattheSirkarratherpatronizestheBlackArtthanotherwise。Hissoniswellnow；butSuddhooiscompletelyundertheinfluenceoftheseal-cutter，bywhoseadviceheregulatestheaffairsofhislife。JanoowatchesdailythemoneythatshehopedtowheedleoutofSuddhootakenbytheseal-cutter，andbecomesdailymorefuriousandsullen。

Shewillnevertell，becauseshedarenot；but，unlesssomethinghappenstopreventher，Iamafraidthattheseal-cutterwilldieofcholera——thewhitearsenickind——aboutthemiddleofMay。AndthusIshallhavetobeprivytoamurderintheHouseofSuddhoo。

HISWEDDEDWIFE。

Cry“Murder！“inthemarket-place，andeachWillturnuponhisneighboranxiouseyesThatask:——“Artthoutheman?“WehuntedCain，Somecenturiesago，acrosstheworld，ThatbredthefearourownmisdeedsmaintainTo-day。

Vibart"sMoralities。

Shakespearesayssomethingaboutworms，oritmaybegiantsorbeetles，turningifyoutreadonthemtooseverely。Thesafestplanisnevertotreadonaworm——notevenonthelastnewsubalternfromHome，withhisbuttonshardlyoutoftheirtissuepaper，andtheredofsappyEnglishbeefinhischeeks。Thisisthestoryofthewormthatturned。Forthesakeofbrevity，wewillcallHenryAugustusRamsayFaizanne，“TheWorm，“althoughhereallywasanexceedinglyprettyboy，withoutahaironhisface，andwithawaistlikeagirl"swhenhecameouttotheSecond“Shikarris“andwasmadeunhappyinseveralways。The“Shikarris“areahigh-casteregiment，andyoumustbeabletodothingswell——playabanjoorridemorethanalittle，orsing，oract——togetonwiththem。

TheWormdidnothingexceptfalloffhispony，andknockchipsoutofgate-postswithhistrap。Eventhatbecamemonotonousafteratime。Heobjectedtowhist，cuttheclothatbilliards，sangoutoftune，keptverymuchtohimself，andwrotetohisMammaandsistersatHome。Fourofthesefivethingswereviceswhichthe“Shikarris“

objectedtoandsetthemselvestoeradicate。Everyoneknowshowsubalternsare，bybrothersubalterns，softenedandnotpermittedtobeferocious。Itisgoodandwholesome，anddoesnooneanyharm，unlesstempersarelost；andthenthereistrouble。Therewasamanonce——butthatisanotherstory。

The“Shikarris“shikarredTheWormverymuch，andheboreeverythingwithoutwinking。Hewassogoodandsoanxioustolearn，andflushedsopink，thathiseducationwascutshort，andhewaslefttohisowndevicesbyeveryoneexcepttheSeniorSubaltern，whocontinuedtomakelifeaburdentoTheWorm。TheSeniorSubalternmeantnoharm；buthischaffwascoarse，andhedidn"tquiteunderstandwheretostop。Hehadbeenwaitingtoolongforhiscompany；andthatalwayssoursaman。Alsohewasinlove，whichmadehimworse。

Oneday，afterhehadborrowedTheWorm"strapforaladywhoneverexisted，hadusedithimselfalltheafternoon，hadsentanotetoTheWormpurportingtocomefromthelady，andwastellingtheMessallaboutit，TheWormroseinhisplaceandsaid，inhisquiet，ladylikevoice:“Thatwasaveryprettysell；butI"lllayyouamonth"spaytoamonth"spaywhenyougetyourstep，thatIworkasellonyouthatyou"llrememberfortherestofyourdays，andtheRegimentafteryouwhenyou"redeadorbroke。”TheWormwasn"tangryintheleast，andtherestoftheMessshouted。ThentheSeniorSubalternlookedatTheWormfromthebootsupwards，anddownagain，andsaid，“Done，Baby。”TheWormtooktherestoftheMesstowitnessthatthebethadbeentaken，andretiredintoabookwithasweetsmile。

Twomonthspassed，andtheSeniorSubalternstilleducatedTheWorm，whobegantomoveaboutalittlemoreasthehotweathercameon。I

havesaidthattheSeniorSubalternwasinlove。ThecuriousthingisthatagirlwasinlovewiththeSeniorSubaltern。ThoughtheColonelsaidawfulthings，andtheMajorssnorted，andmarriedCaptainslookedunutterablewisdom，andthejuniorsscoffed，thosetwowereengaged。

TheSeniorSubalternwassopleasedwithgettinghisCompanyandhisacceptanceatthesametimethatheforgottobotherTheWorm。Thegirlwasaprettygirl，andhadmoneyofherown。Shedoesnotcomeintothisstoryatall。

Onenight，atthebeginningofthehotweather，alltheMess，exceptTheWorm，whohadgonetohisownroomtowriteHomeletters，weresittingontheplatformoutsidetheMessHouse。TheBandhadfinishedplaying，butnoonewantedtogoin。AndtheCaptains"

wivesweretherealso。Thefollyofamaninloveisunlimited。

TheSeniorSubalternhadbeenholdingforthonthemeritsofthegirlhewasengagedto，andtheladieswerepurringapproval，whilethemenyawned，whentherewasarustleofskirtsinthedark，andatired，faintvoicelifteditself:

“Where"smyhusband?“