第19章

alltheemotionhehadstifled;theswiftPanhehaddenied;thesharpfruits，theburningsuns，thedarkpools，theunearthlymoonlight，whichwerenotofGod——allcamewiththebreathofthatoldsong，andthelookonthegirl’sface。Andhecoveredhiseyes。

Noel’shandtuggedathisarm。"Isn’tbeautyterriblyalive，"shemurmured，"likealovelyperson？itmakesyouachetokissit。"

Hislipsfeltparched。"Thereisabeautybeyondallthat，"hesaidstubbornly。

"Where？"

"Holiness，duty，faith。ONollie，mylove！"ButNoel’shandtightenedonhisarm。

"ShallItellyouwhatIshouldlike？"shewhispered。"TotakeGod’shandandshowHimthings。I’mcertainHe’snotseeneverything。"

AshudderwentthroughPierson，oneofthosequeersuddenshivers，whichcomefromastrangenoteinavoice，oranewsharpscentorsight。

"Mydear，whatthingsyousay！"

"ButHehasn’t，andit’stimeHedid。We’dcreep，andpeep，andseeitallforonce，asHecan’tinHischurches。Daddy，oh！Daddy！

Ican’tbearitanymore;tothinkofthembeingkilledonanightlikethis;killedandkilledsothattheyneverseeitallagain——

neverseeit——neverseeit！"Shesankdown，andcoveredherfacewithherarms。

"Ican’t，Ican’t！Oh！takeitallaway，thecruelty！Whydoesitcome——whythestarsandtheflowers，ifGoddoesn’tcareanymorethanthat？"

Horriblyaffectedhestoodbendingoverher，strokingherhead。Thenthehabitofahundreddeath—bedshelpedhim。"Come，Nollie！Thislifeisbutaminute。Wemustalldie。"

"Butnotthey——notsoyoung！"Sheclungtohisknees，andlookedup。

"Daddy，Idon’twantyoutogo;promisemetocomeback！"

Thechildishnessofthosewordsbroughtbackhisbalance。

"Mydearsweetheart，ofcourse！Come，Nollie，getup。Thesun’sbeentoomuchforyou。"

Noelgotup，andputherhandsonherfather’sshoulders。"Forgivemeforallmybadness，andallmybadnesstocome，especiallyallmybadnesstocome！"

Piersonsmiled。"Ishallalwaysforgiveyou，Nollie;buttherewon’tbe——theremustn’tbeanybadnesstocome。IprayGodtokeepyou，andmakeyoulikeyourmother。"

"Motherneverhadadevil，likeyouandme。"

Hewassilentfromsurprise。Howdidthischildknowthedevilofwildfeelinghehadfoughtagainstyearafteryear;untilwiththemanyyearshehadfeltitweakeningwithinhim！Shewhisperedon:"Idon’thatemydevil。

WhyshouldI？——it’spartofme。Everydaywhenthesunsets，I’llthinkofyou，Daddy;andyoumightdothesame——that’llkeepmegood。

Ishan’tcometothestationtomorrow，Ishouldonlycry。AndI

shan’tsaygood—byenow。It’sunlucky。"

Sheflungherarmsroundhim;andhalfsmotheredbythatferventembrace，hekissedhercheeksandhair。Freedofeachotheratlast，hestoodforamomentlookingatherbythemoonlight。

"Thereneverwasanyonemorelovingthanyou;Nollie！"hesaidquietly。"Remembermyletter。Andgoodnight，mylove！"Then，afraidtostayanothersecond，hewentquicklyoutofthedarklittleroom……

GeorgeLaird，returninghalfanhourlater，heardavoicesayingsoftly:"George，George！"

Lookingup，hesawalittlewhitebluratthewindow，andNoel’sfacejustvisible。

"George，letthegoatloose，justforto—night，topleaseme。"

Somethinginthatvoice，andinthegestureofherstretched—outarmmovedGeorgeinaqueerway，although，asPiersonhadoncesaid，hehadnomusicinhissoul。Heloosedthegoat。

IV

IntheweekswhichsucceededPierson’sdeparture，GratianandGeorgeoftendiscussedNoel’sconductandpositionbythelightofthePragmatictheory。Georgeheldasuitablyscientificview。Justashewouldpointouttohiswife——inthephysicalworld，creatureswhodivergedfromthenormalhadtojustifytheirdivergenceincompetitionwiththeirenvironments，orelsegounder，sointheethicalworlditwasallaquestionofwhetherNolliecouldmakegoodhervagary。Ifshecould，andgrewinstrengthofcharacterthereby，itwasipsofactoallright，hervagarywouldbeprovedanadvantage，andtheworldenriched。Ifnot，theworldbyherfailuretomakegoodwouldbeimpoverished，andhervagaryprovedwrong。Theorthodoxandacademies——heinsisted——werealwaysforgettingtheadaptabilityoflivingorganisms;howeveryactionwhichwasoutoftheordinary，unconsciouslymodifiedalltheotheractionstogetherwiththeoutlook，andphilosophyofthedoer。"OfcourseNolliewascrazy，"hesaid，"butwhenshedidwhatshedid，sheatoncebegantothinkdifferentlyaboutlifeandmorals。Thedeepestinstinctweallhaveistheinstinctthatwemustdowhatwemust，andthinkthatwhatwe’vedoneisreallyallright;infactthe——instinctofself—

preservation。We’reallfightinganimals;andwefeelinourbonesthatifweadmitwe’rebeaten——wearebeaten;butthateveryfightwewin，especiallyagainstodds，hardensthosebones。ButpersonallyI

don’tthinkshecanmakegoodonherown。"

Gratian，whosePragmatismwasnotyetfullybaked，respondeddoubtfully:

"No，Idon’tthinkshecan。AndifshecouldI’mnotsure。Butisn’tPragmatismaperfectlybeastlyword，George？Ithasnosenseofhumourinitatall。"

"Itisabitthick，andinthehandsoftheyoung，deucedlikelytobecomePrigmatism;butnotwithNollie。"

Theywatchedthevictimoftheirdiscussionswithrealanxiety。Theknowledgethatshewouldneverbemoreshelteredthanshewaswiththem，atalleventsuntilshemarried，gravelyimpededtheformationofanyjudgmentastowhetherornoshecouldmakegood。NowandagaintherewouldcometoGratianwhoafterallknewhersisterbetterthanGeorge——thedisquietingthoughtthatwhateverconclusionNoelledthemtoform，shewouldalmostcertainlyforcethemtoabandonsoonerorlater。

Threedaysafterherfather’sdepartureNoelhaddeclaredthatshewantedtoworkontheland。ThisGeorgehadpromptlyvetoed。

"Youaren’tstrongenoughyet，mydear:Waittilltheharvestbegins。

Thenyoucangoandhelponthefarmhere。Ifyoucanstandthatwithoutdamage，we’llthinkaboutit。"

Buttheweatherwaswetandharvestlate，andNoelhadnothingmuchtodobutattendtoherbaby，alreadywellattendedtobyNurse，anddreamandbrood，andnowandthencookanomeletteordosomehouseworkforthesakeofagnawingconscience。SinceGratianandGeorgewereawayinhospitalallday，shewasverymuchalone。

SeveraltimesintheeveningsGratiantriedtocomeatthecoreofherthoughts，TwicesheflewthekiteofLeila。ThefirsttimeNoelonlyanswered:"Yes，she’sabrick。"Thesecondtime，shesaid:"I

don’twanttothinkabouther。"

But，hardeningherheart，Gratianwenton:"Don’tyouthinkit’squeerwe’veneverheardfromCaptainFortsincehecamedown？"

InhercalmestvoiceNoelanswered:"Whyshouldwe，afterbeingtoldthathewasn’tliked？"

"Whotoldhimthat？"

"Itoldhim，thatDaddydidn’t;butIexpectDaddysaidmuchworsethings。"Shegavealittlelaugh，thensoftlyadded:"Daddy’swonderful，isn’the？"

"How？"

"Thewayhedrivesonetodotheotherthing。Ifhehadn’topposedmymarriagetoCyril，youknow，thatwouldn’thavehappened，itjustmadeallthedifference。Itstirredmeupsofearfully。"Gratianstaredather，astonishedthatshecouldseeherselfsoclearly。

TowardstheendofAugustshehadaletterfromFort。

"DEARMRS。LAIRD，"Youknowallaboutthings，ofcourse，excepttheonethingwhichtomeisallimportant。Ican’tgoonwithoutknowingwhetherIhaveachancewithyoursister。Itisagainstyourfather’sexpressedwishthatsheshouldhaveanythingtodowithme，butItoldhimthatI

couldnotandwouldnotpromisenottoaskher。Igetmyholidayattheendofthismonth，andamcomingdowntoputittothetouch。Itmeansmoretomethanyoucanpossiblyimagine。

"Iam，dearMrs。Laird，"Yourveryfaithfulservant，"JAMESFORT。"

ShediscussedtheletterwithGeorge，whoseadvicewas:"Answeritpolitely，butsaynothing;andnothingtoNollie。Ithinkitwouldbeaverygoodthing。Ofcourseit’sabitofamake—shift——twiceherage;buthe’sagenuineman，ifnotexactlybrilliant。"

Gratianansweredalmostsullenly:"I’vealwayswantedtheverybestforNollie。"

Georgescreweduphissteel—colouredeyes，ashemighthavelookedatoneonwhomhehadtooperate。"Quiteso，"hesaid。"Butyoumustremember，Gracie，thatoutoftheswanshewas，Nolliehasmadeherselfintoalameduck。Fiftypercentatleastisoffhervalue，socially。Wemustlookatthingsastheyare。"

"Fatherisdeadagainstit。"

Georgesmiled，onthepointofsaying:’Thatmakesmefeelitmustbeagoodthing’Buthesubduedtheimpulse。

"Iagreethatwe’reboundbyhisabsencenottofurtheritactively。

StillNollieknowshiswishes，andit’suptoherandnooneelse。

Afterall，she’snolongerachild。"

Hisadvicewasfollowed。Buttowritethatpoliteletter，whichsaidnothing，costGratianasleeplessnight，andtwoorthreehours’

penmanship。Shewasveryconscientious。Knowledgeofthisimpendingvisitincreasedtheanxietywithwhichshewatchedhersister，buttheonlyinklingsheobtainedofNoel’sstateofmindwaswhenthegirlshowedheralettershehadreceivedfromThirza，askinghertocomebacktoKestrel。Apostscript，inUncleBob’shandwriting，addedthesewords:

"We’regettingquitefossiliseddownhere;Eve’sgoneandleftusagain。Wemissyouandtheyoungsterawfully。Comealongdown，Nolliethere’sadear！"

"They’redarlings，"Noelsaid，"butIshan’tgo。I’mtoorestless，eversinceDaddywent;youdon’tknowhowrestless。Thisrainsimplymakesmewanttodie。"

2

Theweatherimprovednextday，andattheendofthatweekharvestbegan。BywhatseemedtoNoelastrokeofluckthefarmer’sbinderwasbroken;hecouldnotgetitrepaired，andwantedallthehumanbindershecouldget。Thatfirstdayinthefieldsblisteredherhands，burntherfaceandneck，madeeverynerveandboneinherbodyache;butwasthehappiestdayshehadspentforweeks，thehappiestperhapssinceCyrilMorlandlefther，overayearago。Shehadabathandwenttobedthemomentshegotin。

Lyingtherenibblingchocolateandsmokingacigarette，sheluxuriatedinthewearinesswhichhadstilledherdreadfulrestlessness。Watchingthesmokeofhercigarettecurlupagainstthesunsetglowwhichfilledherwindow，shemused:Ifonlyshecouldbetiredoutlikethiseveryday！Shewouldbeallrightthen，wouldlosethefeelingofnotknowingwhatshewanted，ofbeinginasortooflargebox，withthelidslammeddown，roamingrounditlikeadazedandhomesickbeeinanoverturnedtumbler;thefeelingofbeingonlyhalfalive，ofhavingawingmaimedsothatshecouldonlyflyalittleway，andmustthendrop。

Shesleptlikeatopthatnight。Butthenextday’sworkwasrealtorture，andthethirdnotmuchbetter。Bytheendoftheweek，however，shewasnolongerstiff。

Saturdaywascloudless;aperfectday。Thefieldshewasworkinginlayonaslope。Itwasthelastfieldtobecut，andthebestwheatyet，withagloriousburntshadeinitsgoldandtheearsbluntandfull。Shehadgotusednowtothefeelofthegreatsheavesinherarms，andthebindingwispsdrawnthroughherhandtillsheheldthemlevel，belowtheears，readyforthetwist。Therewasnonewsensationinitnow;juststeady，ratherdreamywork，tokeepherplaceintherow，totheswish—swishofthecutterandthecallofthedrivertohishorsesattheturns;withcontinuallittlepauses，tostraightenandrestherbackamoment，andshakeherheadfreefromtheflies，orsuckherfinger，sorefromtheconstantpushingofthestrawendsunder。Sothehourswenton，ratherhotandwearisome，yetwithafeelingofsomethinggoodbeingdone，ofajobgettingsurelytoitsend。Andgraduallythecentrepatchnarrowed，andthesunslowlyslanteddown。

Whentheystoppedfortea，insteadofrunninghomeasusual，shedrankitcoldoutofaflaskshehadbrought，ateabunandsomechocolate，andlaydownonherbackagainstthehedge。Shealwaysavoidedthatgroupofherfellowworkersroundthetea—canswhichthefarmer’swifebroughtout。Toavoidpeople，ifshecould，hadbecomehabitualtohernow。Theymustknowabouther，orwouldsoonifshegavethemthechance。Shehadneverlostconsciousnessofherring—

finger，expectingeveryeyetofallonitasamatterofcourse。

Lyingonherface，shepuffedhercigaretteintothegrass，andwatchedabeetle，tilloneofthesheep—dogs，scoutingforscraps，cameup，andshefedhimwithhersecondbun。Havingfinishedthebun，hetriedtoeatthebeetle，and，whensherescuedit，convincedthatshehadnothingmoretogivehim，sneezedather，andwentaway。

Pressingtheendofhercigaretteoutagainstthebank，sheturnedover。Alreadythedriverwasperchedonhistinyseat，andhiscompanion，whosebusinessitwastofreethefallingcorn，wasgettingupalongside。Swish—swish！Ithadbegunagain。Sherose，stretchedherself，andwentbacktoherplaceintherow。Thefieldwouldbefinishedto—night;shewouldhavealovelyrest—allSundayI

Towardsseveno’clockanarrowstrip，nottwentyyardsbroad，alonewasleft。ThislasthalfhourwaswhatNoeldreaded。To—dayitwasworse，forthefarmerhadnocartridgesleft，andtherabbitsweredealtwithbyhullabalooandsticksandchasingdogs。Rabbitswerevermin，ofcourse，andatethecrops，andmustbekilled;besides，theyweregoodfood，andfetchedtwoshillingsapiece;allthissheknewbuttoseethepoorfrightenedthingsstealingout，pouncedon，turned，shoutedat，chased，rolledoverbygreatswiftdogs，fallenonbytheboysandkilledandcarriedwiththeirlimpgreybodiesupsidedown，sodeadandsoftandhelpless，alwaysmadeherfeelquitesick。Shestoodverystill，tryingnottoseeorhear，andinthecornoppositetoherarabbitstolealong，crouched，andpeeped。

’Oh！’shethought，’comeouthere，bunny。I’llletyouaway——can’tyouseeIwill？It’syouronlychance。Comeout！’Buttherabbitcrouched，andgazed，withitslittlecowedheadpokedforward，anditsearslaidflat;itseemedtryingtounderstandwhetherthisstillthinginfrontofitwasthesameasthoseothers。Withthethought，’Ofcourseitwon’twhileIlookatit，’Noelturnedherheadaway。

Outofthecornerofhereyeshecouldseeamanstandingafewyardsoff。Therabbitboltedout。Nowthemanwouldshoutandturnit。

Buthedidnot，andtherabbitscuttledpasthimandawaytothehedge。Sheheardashoutfromtheendoftherow，sawadoggalloping。Toolate！Hurrah！Andclaspingherhands，shelookedattheman。ItwasFort！Withthequeerestfeeling——amazement，pleasure，thethrillofconspiracy，shesawhimcominguptoher。

"Ididwantthatrabbittogetoff，"shesighedout;"I’vebeenwatchingit。Thankyou！"

Helookedather。"Mygoodness！"wasallhesaid。

Noel’shandsflewuptohercheeks。"Yes，Iknow;ismynoseveryred？"

"No;you’reaslovelyasRuth，ifshewaslovely。"

Swish—swish！Thecuttercameby;Noelstartedforwardtoherplaceintherow;butcatchingherarm，hesaid:"No，letmedothislittlebit。Ihaven’thadadayinthefieldssincethewarbegan。TalktomewhileI’mbinding。"

Shestoodwatchinghim。Hemadeadifferent，strongertwistfromhers，andtooklargersheaves，sothatshefeltasortofjealousy。

"Ididn’tknowyouknewaboutthissortofthing。"

"Oh，Lord，yes！IhadafarmonceoutWest。Nothinglikefield—

work，tomakeyoufeelgood。I’vebeenwatchingyou;youbindjollywell。"

Noelgaveasighofpleasure。

"Wherehaveyoucomefrom？"sheasked。

"Straightfromthestation。I’monmyholiday。"Helookedupather，andtheybothfellsilent。

Swish—swish！Thecutterwascomingagain。Noelwenttothebeginningofherportionofthefallingcorn，hetotheendofit。

Theyworkedtowardseachother，andmetbeforethecutterwasonthemathirdtime。

"Willyoucomeintosupper？"

"I’dloveto。"

"Thenlet’sgonow，please。Idon’twanttoseeanymorerabbitskilled。"

Theyspokeverylittleonthewaytothebungalow，butshefelthiseyesonherallthetime。ShelefthimwithGeorgeandGratianwhohadjustcomein，andwentupforherbath。

Supperhadbeenlaidoutintheverandah，anditwasnearlydarkbeforetheyhadfinished。InrhymewiththefailingofthelightNoelbecamemoreandmoresilent。Whentheywentin，sheranuptoherbaby。Shedidnotgodownagain，butasonthenightbeforeherfatherwentaway，stoodatherwindow，leaningout。Adarknight，nomoon;inthestarlightshecouldonlyjustseethedimgarden，wherenogoatwasgrazing。Nowthatherfirstexcitementhadwornoff，thissuddenreappearanceofFortfilledherwithnervousmelancholy:

Sheknewperfectlywellwhathehadcomefor，shehadalwaysknown。

Shehadnocertainknowledgeofherownmind;butsheknewthatalltheseweeksshehadbeenbetweenhisinfluenceandherfather’s，listeningtothem，asitwere，pleadingwithher。And，curiously，thepleadingofeach，insteadofdrawinghertowardsthepleader，hadseemeddraggingherawayfromhim，drivingherintothearmsoftheother。Totheprotectionofoneortheothershefeltshemustgo;

andithumiliatedhertothinkthatinalltheworldtherewasnootherplaceforher。ThewildnessofthatonenightintheoldAbbeyseemedtohavepowertogovernallherlifetocome。Whyshouldthatonenight，thatoneact，havethisuncannypowertodriveherthiswayorthat，tothosearmsorthese？Mustshe，becauseofit，alwaysneedprotection？Standingthereinthedarkitwasalmostasiftheyhadcomeupbehindher，withtheirpleadings;andashiverrandownherback。Shelongedtoturnonthem，andcryout:"Goaway;oh;goaway！Idon’twanteitherofyou;Ijustwanttobeleftalone！"

Thensomething，amothperhaps，touchedherneck。Shegaspedandshookherself。Howsilly！

Sheheardthebackdoorroundthecornerofthehouseopening;aman’slowvoicedowninthedarksaid:

"Who’stheyoungladythatcomesoutinthefields？"

Anothervoice——oneofthemaids——answered:

"TheMissis’ssister。"

"Theysayshe’sgotababy。"

"Neveryoumindwhatshe’sgot。"

Noelheardtheman’slaugh。Itseemedtoherthemostodiouslaughshehadeverheard。Shethoughtswiftlyandabsurdly:’I’llgetawayfromallthis。’Thewindowwasonlyafewfeetup。Shegotoutontotheledge，letherselfdown，anddropped。Therewasaflower—bedbelow，quitesoft，withascentofgeranium—leavesandearth。Shebrushedherself，andwenttiptoeingacrossthegravelandthelittlefrontlawn，tothegate。Thehousewasquitedark，quitesilent。

Shewalkedon，downtheroad。’Jolly！’shethought。’Nightafternightwesleep，andneverseethenights:sleepuntilwe’recalled，andneverseeanything。Iftheywanttocatchmethey’llhavetorun。’Andshebeganrunningdowntheroadinhereveningfrockandshoes，withnothingonherhead。Shestoppedaftergoingperhapsthreehundredyards，bytheedgeofthewood。Itwassplendidlydarkinthere，andshegropedherwayfromtrunktotrunk，withadelicious，half—scaredsenseofadventureandnovelty。Shestoppedatlastbyathintrunkwhosebarkglimmeredfaintly。Shefeltitwithhercheek，quitesmooth——abirchtree;and，withherarmsroundit，shestoodperfectlystill。Wonderfully，magicallysilent，freshandsweet—scentedanddark！Thelittletreetrembledsuddenlywithinherarms，andsheheardthelowdistantrumble，towhichshehadgrownsoaccustomed——theguns，alwaysatwork，killing——killingmenandkillingtrees，littletreesperhapslikethiswithinherarms，littletremblingtrees！Outthere，inthisdarknight，therewouldnotbeasingleunscarredtreelikethissmoothquiveringthing，nofieldsofcorn，notevenabushorabladeofgrass，noleavestorustleandsmellsweet，notabird，nolittlesoft—footednightbeasts，excepttherats;andsheshuddered，thinkingoftheBelgiansoldier—painter。Holdingthetreetight，shesqueezeditssmoothbodyagainsther。Arushofthesamehelpless，hopelessrevoltandsorrowovertookher，whichhadwrungfromherthatpassionatelittleoutbursttoherfather，thenightbeforehewentaway。Killed，torn，andbruised;burned，andkilled，likeCyril！Alltheyoungthings，likethislittletree。

Rumble！Rumble！Quiver！Quiver！Andallelsesostill，sosweetandstill，andstarry，uptherethroughtheleaves……’Ican’tbearit！’shethought。Shepressedherlips，whichthesunhadwarmedallday，againstthesatinysmoothbark。Butthelittletreestoodwithinherarmsinsentient，quiveringonlytothelongrumbles。Witheachofthosedullmutterings，lifeandloveweregoingout，liketheflamesofcandlesonaChristmas—tree，blown，onebyone。Tohereyes，accustomedbynowtothedarknessinthere，thewoodseemedslowlytobegatheringasortoflife，asthoughitwereagreatthingwatchingher;agreatthingwithhundredsoflimbsandeyes，andthepowerofbreathing。Thelittletree，whichhadseemedsoindividualandfriendly，ceasedtobeacomfortandbecameapartofthewholelivingwood，absorbedinitself，andcoldlywatchingher，thisintruderofthemischievousbreed，thefatalbreedwhichloosedthoserumblingsontheearth。Noelunlockedherarms，andrecoiled。

Aboughscrapedherneck，someleavesflewagainsthereyes;shesteppedaside，trippedoveraroot，andfell。Aboughhadhithertoo，andshelayalittledazed，quiveringatsuchdarkunfriendliness。Sheheldherhandsuptoherfaceforthemerepleasureofseeingsomethingalittlelessdark;itwaschildish，andabsurd，butshewasfrightened。Thewoodseemedtohavesomanyeyes，somanyarms，andallunfriendly;itseemedwaitingtogiveherotherblows，otherfalls，andtoguardherwithinitsdarknessuntil——！Shegotup，movedafewsteps，andstoodstill，shehadforgottenfromwhereshehadcomein。Andafraidofmovingdeeperintotheunfriendlywood，sheturnedslowlyround，tryingtotellwhichwaytogo。Itwasalljustonedarkwatchingthing，oflimbsonthegroundandintheair。’Anyway，’shethought;’anywayofcoursewilltakemeout！’Andshegropedforward，keepingherhandsuptoguardherface。Itwassilly，butshecouldnothelpthesinking，scatteredfeelingwhichcomestoonebushed，orlostinafog。Ifthewoodhadnotbeensodark，so，——alive！Andforasecondshehadthesenseless，terrifyingthoughtofachild:’WhatifI

nevergetout！’Thenshelaughedatit，andstoodstillagain，listening。Therewasnosoundtoguideher，nosoundatallexceptthatfaintdullrumble，whichseemedtocomefromeveryside，now。

Andthetreeswatchedher。’Ugh！’shethought;’Ihatethiswood！’

Shesawitnow，itssnakybranches，itsdarkness，andgreatforms，asanabodeofgiantsandwitches。Shegropedandscrambledonagain，trippedoncemore，andfell，hittingherforeheadagainstatrunk。

Theblowdazedandsoberedher。’It’sidiotic，’shethought;’I’mababy！I’llJustwalkveryslowlytillIreachtheedge。Iknowitisn’talargewood！’Sheturneddeliberatelytofaceeachdirection;

solemnlyselectedthatfromwhichthemutteringofthegunsseemedtocome，andstartedagain，movingveryslowlywithherhandsstretchedout。Somethingrustledintheundergrowth，quiteclose，;shesawapairofgreeneyesshining。Herheartjumpedintohermouth。Thethingsprang——therewasaswishoffernsandtwigs，andsilence。

Noelclaspedherbreast。Apoachingcat！Andagainshemovedforward。Butshehadlostdirection。’I’mgoingroundandround，’

shethought。’Theyalwaysdo。’Andthesinkingscatteredfeelingofthe"bushed"clutchedatheragain。’ShallIcall？’shethought。’I

mustbeneartheroad。Butit’ssobabyish。’Shemovedonagain。

Herfootstrucksomethingsoft。Avoicemutteredathickoath;ahandseizedherankle。Sheleaped，anddraggedandwrencheditfree;

and，utterlyunnerved，shescreamed，andranforwardblindly。

V

NoonecouldhavesoconvincedafeelingasJimmyFortthathewouldbea’bitofamakeshift’forNoel。Hehadspenttheweeksafterhisinterviewwithherfatherobsessedbyherimage，oftensayingtohimself"Itwon’tdo。It’splayingittoolowdowntotryandgetthatchild，whenIknowthat，butforhertrouble，Ishouldn’thaveachance。"Hehadneverhadmuchopinionofhislooks，butnowheseemedtohimselfabsurdlyoldanddried—upinthisdesertofaLondon。HeloathedtheOfficejobtowhichtheyhadputhim，andthewholeatmosphereofofficialdom。Anotheryearofit，andhewouldshrivellikeanoldapple！Hebegantolookathimselfanxiously，takingstockofhisphysicalassetsnowthathehadthisdreamofyoungbeauty。Hewouldbefortynextmonth，andshewasnineteen！

Buttherewouldbetimestoowhenhewouldfeelthat，withher，hecouldbeasmuchofa"three—year—old"astheyoungstershehadloved。Havinglittlehopeofwinningher，hetookher"past"butlightly。Wasitnotthatpastwhichgavehimwhatchancehehad？Ontwothingshewasdetermined:Hewouldnottradeonherpast。Andifbyanychanceshetookhim，hewouldnevershowherthatherememberedthatshehadone。

AfterwritingtoGratianhehadspenttheweekbeforehisholidaybegan，inanattempttorenewtheyouthfulnessofhisappearance，whichmadehimfeelolder，leaner，bonierandbrownerthanever。Hegotupearly，rodeintherain，tookTurkishbaths，anddidallmannerofexercises;neithersmokednordrank，andwenttobedearly，exactlyasifhehadbeengoingtorideasteeplechase。Ontheafternoon，whenatlastheleftonthatterrificpilgrimage，hegazedathisfacewithasortofdespair，itwassolean，andleather—

coloured，andhecountedalmostadozengreyhairs。

Whenhereachedthebungalow，andwastoldthatshewasworkinginthecorn—fields，hehadforthefirsttimeafeelingthatFatewasonhisside。Suchameetingwouldbeeasierthananyother！Hehadbeenwatchingherforseveralminutesbeforeshesawhim，withhisheartbeatingmoreviolentlythanithadeverbeateninthetrenches;

andthatnewfeelingofhopestayedwithhim——allthroughthegreeting，throughoutsupper，andevenaftershehadleftthemandgoneupstairs。Then，withthesuddennessofablinddrawndown，itvanished，andhesaton，tryingtotalk，andslowlygettingmoreandmoresilentandrestless。

"Nolliegetssotired，working，"Gratiansaid:Heknewshemeantitkindlybutthatsheshouldsayitatallwasominous。Hegotupatlast，havinglosthopeofseeingNoelagain，conscioustoothathehadansweredthelastthreequestionsatrandom。

IntheporchGeorgesaid:"You’llcomeintolunchtomorrow，won’tyou？"

"Oh，thanks，I’mafraidit’llboreyouall。"

"Notabit。Nolliewon’tbesotired。"

Again——sowellmeant。Theywereverykind。Helookedupfromthegate，tryingtomakeoutwhichherwindowmightbe;butallwasdark。

Alittlewaydowntheroadhestoppedtolightacigarette;and，leaningagainstagate，drewthesmokeofitdeepintohislungs，tryingtoassuagetheacheinhisheart。Soitwashopeless！Shehadtakenthefirst，theveryfirstchance，togetawayfromhim！

Sheknewthathelovedher，couldnothelpknowing，forhehadneverbeenabletokeepitoutofhiseyesandvoice。Ifshehadfelteversolittleforhim，shewouldnothaveavoidedhimthisfirstevening。

’I’llgobacktothatdesert，’hethought;’I’mnotgoingtowhineandcrawl。I’llgoback，andbiteonit;onemusthavesomepride。

Oh，whythehellamIcrocked—uplikethis？IfonlyIcouldgetouttoFranceagain！’AndthenNoel’sfigurebentoverthefallingcornformedbeforehim。’I’llhaveonemoretry，’hethought;’onemore——

tomorrowsomewhere，I’llgettoknowforcertain。AndifIgetwhatLeila’sgotIshalldeserveit，Isuppose。PoorLeila！Whereisshe？BackatHighConstantia？’Whatwasthat？Acry——ofterror——inthatwood！Crossingtotheedge，hecalled"Coo—ee！"andstoodpeeringintoitsdarkness。Heheardthesoundofbushesbeingbrushedaside，andwhistled。Afigurecameburstingout，almostintohisarms。

"Hallo！"hesaid;"what’sup？"

Avoicegasped:"Oh！It’s——it’snothing！"

HesawNoel。Shehadswayedback，andstoodaboutayardaway。Hecoulddimlyseehercoveringherfacewithherarms。Feelinginstinctivelythatshewantedtohideherfright，hesaidquietly:

"Whatluck！Iwasjustpassing。It’sawfullydark。"

"I——Igotlost;andaman——caughtmyfoot，inthere！"

Movedbeyondcontrolbythelittlegulpsandgaspsofherbreathing，hesteppedforwardandputhishandsonhershoulders。Heheldherlightly，withoutspeaking，terrifiedlestheshouldwoundherpride。

"I—Igotinthere，"shegasped，"andthetrees——andIstumbledoveraroanasleep，andhe——"

"Yes，Yes，Iknow，"hemurmured，asiftoachild。Shehaddroppedherarmsnow，andhecouldseeherface，witheyesunnaturallydilated，andlipsquivering。Thenmovedagainbeyondcontrol，hedrewhersoclosethathecouldfeelthethrobbingofherheart，andputhislipstoherforeheadallwetwithheat。Sheclosedhereyes，gavealittlechoke，andburiedherfaceagainsthiscoat。

"There，there，mydarling！"hekeptonsaying。"There，there，mydarling！"Hecouldfeelthesnugglingofhercheekagainsthisshoulder。Hehadgother——hadgother！Hewassomehowcertainthatshewouldnotdrawbacknow。Andinthewonderandecstasyofthatthought，alltheworldaboveherhead，thestarsintheircourses，thewoodwhichhadfrightenedher，seemedmiraclesofbeautyandfitness。Bysuchfortuneashadnevercometoman，hehadgother！

Andhemurmuredoverandoveragain:

"Iloveyou！"Shewasrestingperfectlyquietagainsthim，whileherheartceasedgraduallytobeatsofast。HecouldfeelhercheekrubbingagainsthiscoatofHarristweed。Suddenlyshesniffedatit，andwhispered:

"Itsmellsgood。"

VI

WhensummersunhasburnedallEgypt，thewhitemanlookseagerlyeachdayforevening，whoserose—colouredveilmeltsopalescentintothedundrift，ofthehills，andiridescentabove，intotheslowlydeepeningblue。Piersonstoodgazingatthemysteryofthedesertfromunderthelittlegroupofpalmsandbougainvilleawhichformedthegardenofthehospital。Even—songwasinfullvoice:Fromthefarwingagramophonewasgrindingoutamusic—hallditty;twoaeroplanes，wheelingexactlylikethebuzzardsofthedesert，werelettingdripthefaintwhiroftheirflight;metallicvoicesdriftedfromtheArabvillage;thewheelsofthewater—wellscreaked;andeverynowandthenadryrustlewasstirredfromthepalm—leavesbypuffsofdesertwind。Oneitherhandanoldroadranout，whoselinecouldbemarkedbythelittleoldwatch—towersofanotherage。ForhowmanyhundredyearshadhumanlifepassedalongittoEastandWest;thebrownmenandtheircamels，threadingthatimmemorialtrackoverthedesert，whicheverfilledhimwithwonder，sostillitwas，sowide，sodesolate，andeveryeveningsobeautiful！Hesometimesfeltthathecouldsitforeverlookingatit;asthoughitscruelmysteriouslovelinesswere——home;andyetheneverlookedatitwithoutaspasmofhomesickness。

Sofarhisnewworkhadbroughthimnonearertotheheartsofmen。

Oratleasthedidnotfeelithad。Bothattheregimentalbase，andnowinthishospital——anintermediatestage——waitingforthedraftwithwhichhewouldbegoingintoPalestine，allhadbeenverynicetohim，friendly，andasitwereindulgent;somightschoolboyshavetreatedsomewell—intentioneddreamymaster，orbusinessmenaharmlessidealisticinventorwhocamevisitingtheiroffices。Hehadeventhefeelingthattheyweregladtohavehimabout，justastheyweregladtohavetheirmascotsandtheirregimentalcolours;butofheart—to—heartsimplecomradeship——itseemedtheyneitherwanteditofhimnorexpectedhimtogiveit，sothathehadafeelingthathewouldbeforwardandimpertinenttoofferit。Moreover，henolongerknewhow。Hewasverylonely。’WhenIcomefacetofacewithdeath，’hewouldthink，’itwillbedifferent。Deathmakesusallbrothers。Imaybeofrealusetothemthen。’

Theybroughthimaletterwhilehestoodtherelisteningtothateven—song，gazingattheolddesertroad。

"DARLINGDAD，"IdohopethiswillreachyoubeforeyoumoveontoPalestine。Yousaidinyourlast——attheendofSeptember，soIhopeyou’lljustgetit。Thereisonegreatpieceofnews，whichI’mafraidwillhurtandtroubleyou;NollieismarriedtoJimmyFort。Theyweremarrieddownherethisafternoon，andhavejustgoneuptoTown。Theyhavetofindahouseofcourse。Shehasbeenveryrestless，lonely，andunhappyeversinceyouwent，andI’msureitisreallyforthebest:

Sheisquiteanothercreature，andsimplydevoted，headlong。It’sjustlikeNollie。Shesaysshedidn’tknowwhatshewanted，uptothelastminute。Butnowsheseemsasifshecouldneverwantanythingelse。

"Daddear，Nolliecouldneverhavemadegoodbyherself。Itisn’thernature，andit’smuchbetterlikethis，Ifeelsure，andsodoesGeorge。Ofcourseitisn’tideal——andonewantedthatforher;butshedidbreakherwing，andheissoawfullygoodanddevotedtoher，thoughyoudidn’tbelieveit，andperhapswon’t，evennow。Thegreatthingistofeelherhappyagain，andknowshe’ssafe。Nollieiscapableofgreatdevotion;onlyshemustbeanchored。Shewasdriftingallabout;andonedoesn’tknowwhatshemighthavedone，inoneofhermoods。Idohopeyouwon’tgrieveaboutit。She’sdreadfullyanxiousabouthowyou’llfeel。Iknowitwillbewretchedforyou，sofaroff;butdotryandbelieveit’sforthebest……

She’soutofdanger;andshewasreallyinahorribleposition。It’ssogoodforthebaby，too，andonlyfairtohim。Idothinkonemusttakethingsastheyare，Daddear。ItwasimpossibletomendNollie’swing。Ifshewereafighter，andgloriedinit，orifshewerethesortwhowould’taketheveil’——butsheisn’teither。Soitisallright，Dad。She’swritingtoyouherself。I’msureLeiladidn’twantJimmyForttobeunhappybecausehecouldn’tloveher;orshewouldneverhavegoneaway。Georgesendsyouhislove;wearebothverywell。AndNollieislookingsplendidstill，afterherharvestwork。All，allmylove，Daddear。Isthereanythingwecanget，andsendyou？Dotakecareofyourblessedself，anddon’tgrieveaboutNollie。

"GRATIAN。"

Ahalf—sheetofpaperfluttereddown;hepickeditupfromamongtheparchedfibreofdeadpalm—leaves。

"DADDYDARLING，"I’vedoneit。Forgiveme—I’msohappy。

"YourNOLLIE。"

Thedesertshimmered，thepalm—leavesrustled，andPiersonstoodtryingtomastertheemotionrousedinhimbythosetwoletters。Hefeltnoanger，notevenvexation;hefeltnosorrow，butalonelinesssoutterandcompletethathedidnotknowhowtobearit。Itseemedasifsomelastlinkwithlifehad’snapped。’Mygirlsarehappy，’

hethought。’IfIamnot——whatdoesitmatter？Ifmyfaithandmyconvictionsmeannothingtothem——whyshouldtheyfollow？Imustandwillnotfeellonely。IoughttohavethesenseofGodpresent，tofeelHishandinmine。IfIcannot，whatuseamI——whatusetothepoorfellowsinthere，whatuseinalltheworld？’

Anoldnativeonadonkeywentby，pipingaSoudanesemelodyonalittlewoodenArabflute。Piersonturnedbackintothehospitalhummingit。Anursemethimthere。

"ThepoorboyattheendofAwardissinkingfast，sir;Iexpecthe’dliketoseeyou，"

HewentintoAward，andwalkeddownbetweenthebedstothewestwindowend，wheretwoscreenshadbeenput，toblockoffthecot。

Anothernurse，whowassittingbesideit，roseatonce。

"He’squiteconscious，"shewhispered;"hecanstillspeakalittle。

He’ssuchadear。"Atearrolleddownhercheek，andshepassedoutbehindthescreens。Piersonlookeddownattheboy;perhapshewastwenty，buttheunshavendownonhischeekswassoftandalmostcolourless。Hiseyeswereclosed。Hebreathedregularly，anddidnotseeminpain;buttherewasabouthimthatwhichtoldhewasgoing;somethingresigned，alreadyofthegrave。Thewindowwaswideopen，coveredbymosquito—netting，andatinylineofsunlight，slantingthroughacrossthefootofthecot，creptslowlybackwardsoverthesheetsandtheboy’sbody，shorteningasitcrept。Inthegreywhitenessofthewalls;thebed，theboy’sface，justthatpaleyellowbarofsunlight，andonesplashofredandbluefromalittleflagonthewallglowedout。Atthiscoolerhour，thewardbehindthescreenswasalmostempty，andfewsoundsbrokethestillness;butfromwithoutcamethatintermittentrustleofdrypalm—leaves。

Piersonwaitedinsilence，watchingthesunsink。Iftheboymightpasslikethis，itwouldbeGod’smercy。Thenhesawtheboy’seyesopen，wonderfullycleareyesofthelightedgreywhichhasdarkrims;

hislipsmoved，andPiersonbentdowntohear。

"I’mgoin’West，zurr。"Thewhisperhadalittlesoftburr;thelipsquivered;apuckerasofachildformedonhisface，andpassed。

ThroughPierson’smindthereflashedthethought:’OGod！Letmebesomehelptohim！’

"ToGod，mydearson！"hesaid。

Aflickerofhumour，ofironicquestion，passedovertheboy’slips。

Terriblymoved，Piersonkneltdown，andbegansoftly，ferventlypraying。Hiswhisperingmingledwiththerustleofthepalm—leaves，whilethebarofsunlightcreptupthebody。Intheboy’ssmilehadbeenthewholeofstoicdoubt，ofstoicacquiescence。Ithadmethimwithanunconsciouschallenge;hadseemedtoknowsomuch。Piersontookhishand，whichlayoutsidethesheet。Theboy’slipsmoved，asthoughinthanks;hedrewalongfeeblebreath，asiftosuckinthethreadofsunlight;andhiseyesclosed。Piersonbentoverthehand。

Whenhelookeduptheboywasdead。Hekissedhisforeheadandwentquietlyout。

Thesunhadset，andhewalkedawayfromthehospitaltoahillockbeyondthetrackonthedesert’sedge，andstoodlookingattheafterglow。Thesunandtheboy——togethertheyhadgoneWest，intothatwideglowingnothingness。

ThemuezzincalltosunsetprayerintheArabvillagecametohimclearandsharp，whilehesatthere，unutterablylonely。Whyhadthatsmilesomovedhim？Otherdeathsmileshadbeenlikethiseveningsmileonthedeserthills——aglowingpeace，apromiseofheaven。Buttheboy’ssmilehadsaid:’Wastenobreathonme——youcannothelp。Whoknows——whoknows？Ihavenohope，nofaith;butI

amadventuring。Good—bye！’Poorboy！Hehadbravedallthings，andmovedoutuncertain，yetundaunted！Wasthat，then，theuttermosttruth，wasfaithasmallerthing？Butfromthatstrangenotionhe。

recoiledwithhorror。’InfaithIhavelived，infaithIwilldie！’

hethought，’Godhelpingme！’Andthebreeze，rufflingthedesertsand，blewthegrainsagainstthepalmsofhishands，outstretchedabovethewarmearth。