第18章

Whenshelefthim，histhoughtwasjustatired:’Well，soit’sbegunagain！’Whatdiditmatter，sincecommonloyaltyandcompassioncuthimofffromwhathisheartdesired;andthatdesirewasabsurd，aslittlelikelyofattainmentasthemoon。Whatdiditmatter？Ifitgaveheranypleasuretolovehim，letitgoon！Yet，allthetimethathewaswalkingacrossundertheplanetrees，Noelseemedtowalkinfrontofhim，justoutofreach，sothatheachedwiththethoughtthathewouldnevercatchherup，andwalkbesideher。

Twodayslater，onreachinghisroomsintheevening，hefoundthisletteronship’snote—paper，withthePlymouthpostmark"Faretheewell，andifforever，Thenforeverfaretheewell"

"Leila"

Hereaditwithareallyhorriblefeeling，foralltheworldasifhehadbeenaccusedofacrimeanddidnotknowwhetherhehadcommitteditornot。And，tryingtocollecthisthoughts，hetookacabanddrovetoherfiat。Itwasclosed，butheraddresswasgivenhim;abankinCapeTown。Hehadreceivedhisrelease。Inhisremorseandrelief，soconfusingandsopoignant，heheardthedriverofthecabaskingwherehewantedtogonow。"Oh，backagain！"Butbeforetheyhadgoneamilehecorrectedtheaddress，inanimpulseofwhichnextmomenthefeltthoroughlyashamed。Whathewasdoingindeed，wasasindecentasifheweredrivingfromthefuneralofhiswifetotheboudoirofanotherwoman。WhenhereachedtheoldSquare，andthewords"Tolet"staredhimintheface，hefeltacuriousrelief，thoughitmeantthathewouldnotseeherwhomtoseefortenminuteshefelthewouldgiveayearoflife。Dismissinghiscab，hestooddebatingwhethertoringthebell。Thesightofamaid’sfaceatthewindowdecidedhim。Mr。Piersonwasout，andtheyoungladieswereaway。HeaskedforMrs。Laird’saddress，andturnedaway，almostintothearmsofPiersonhimself。Thegreetingwasstiffandstrange。’DoesheknowthatLeila’sgone？’hethought。’Ifso，hemustthinkmethemostawfulskunk。AndamI？AmI？’

Whenhereachedhome，hesatdowntowritetoLeila。Buthavingstaredatthepaperforanhourandwrittenthesethreelines"MYDEARLEILA，"IcannotexpresstoyouthefeelingswithwhichIreceivedyourletter——"

hetoreitup。Nothingwouldbeadequate，nothingwouldbedecent。

Letthedeadpastburyitsdead——thedeadpastwhichinhishearthadneverbeenalive！Whypretend？Hehaddonehisbesttokeephisendup。Whypretend？

PARTIV

I

Intheboarding—house，whencetheLairdshadnotyetremoved，theoldladywhoknitted，satbythefireplace，andlightfromthesettingsunthrewhershadowonthewall，movingspideryandgrey，overtheyellowishdistemper，intimetothetuneofherneedles。Shewasaveryoldlady——theoldestladyintheworld，Noelthought——andsheknittedwithoutstopping，withoutbreathing，sothatthegirlfeltinclinedtoscream。IntheeveningwhenGeorgeandGratianwerenotin，Noelwouldoftensitwatchingtheneedles，broodingoverherasyetundecidedfuture。Andnowandagaintheoldladywouldlookupaboveherspectacles;movethecornersofherlipseversoslightly，anddrophergazeagain。ShehadpittedherselfagainstFate;solongassheknitted，thewarcouldnotstop——suchwastheconclusionNoelhadcometo。Thisoldladyknittedtheepicofacquiesencetothetuneofherneedles;itwasshewhokeptthewargoingsuchathinoldlady！’IfIweretoholdherelbowsfrombehind，’thegirlusedtothink，’Ibelieveshe’ddie。IexpectIoughtto;thenthewarwouldstop。Andifthewarstopped，there’dbeloveandlifeagain。’Thenthelittlesilverytunewouldclickitselfoncemoreintoherbrain，andstopherthinking。Inherlapthiseveninglayaletterfromherfather。

"MYDEARESTNOLLIE，"IamgladtosayIhavemychaplaincy，andamtostartforEgyptverysoon。IshouldhavewishedtogotoFrance，butmusttakewhatIcanget，inviewofmyage，fortheyreallydon’twantuswhoaregettingon，Ifear。ItisagreatcomforttometothinkthatGratianiswithyou，andnodoubtyouwillallsoonbeinahousewheremylittlegrandsoncanjoinyou。Ihaveexcellentaccountsofhiminaletterfromyouraunt，justreceived:Mychild，youmustneveragainthinkthatmyresignationhasbeenduetoyou。Itisnotso。Youknow，orperhapsyoudon’t，thateversincethewarbrokeout，Ihavechafedoverstayingathome，myhearthasbeenwithourboysoutthere，andsoonerorlateritmusthavecometothis，apartfromanythingelse。MonsieurLavendiehasbeenroundintheevening，twice;heisaniceman，Ilikehimverymuch，inspiteofourdifferencesofview。HewantedtogivemethesketchhemadeofyouinthePark，butwhatcanIdowithitnow？Andtotellyouthetruth，Ilikeitnobetterthantheoilpainting。Itisnotalikeness，asIknowyou。IhopeIdidn’thurthisfeelings，thefeelingsofanartistaresoveryeasilywounded。ThereisonethingImusttellyou。LeilahasgonebacktoSouthAfrica;shecameroundoneeveningabouttendaysago，tosaygoodbye。Shewasverybrave，forIfearitmeansagreatwrenchforher。Ihopeandprayshemayfindcomfortandtranquillityoutthere。Andnow，mydear，IwantyoutopromisemenottoseeCaptainFort。Iknowthatheadmiresyou。But，apartfromthequestionofhisconductinregardtoLeila，hemadethesaddestimpressiononmebycomingtoourhousetheverydayafterherdeparture。ThereissomethingaboutthatwhichmakesmefeelhecannotbethesortofmaninwhomIcouldfeelanyconfidence。Idon’tsupposeforamomentthatheisinyourthoughts，andyetbeforegoingsofarfromyou，IfeelImustwarnyou。Ishouldrejoicetoseeyoumarriedtoagoodman;but，thoughIdon’twishtothinkhardlyofanyone，IcannotbelieveCaptainFortisthat。

"IshallcomedowntoyoubeforeIstart，whichmaybeinquiteashorttimenow。MydearlovetoyouandGracie，andbestwishestoGeorge。

"Youreverlovingfather，"EDWARDPIERSON

Acrossthisletterlyingonherknees，Noelgazedatthespiderymovementonthewall。Wasitacquiescencethattheoldladyknitted，orwasitresistance——achallengetodeathitself，achallengedancingtothetuneoftheneedleslikethegreyghostofhumanresistancetoFate！Shewouldn’tgivein，thisoldestladyintheworld，shemeanttoknittillshefellintothegrave。AndsoLeilahadgone！Ithurthertoknowthat;andyetitpleasedher。

Acquiescence——resistance！WhydidDaddyalwayswanttochoosethewaysheshouldgo？Sogentlehewas，yethealwayswantedto！Andwhydidhealwaysmakeherfeelthatshemustgotheotherway？Thesunlightceasedtostreamin，theoldlady’sshadowfadedoffthewall，buttheneedlesstillsangtheirlittletune。Andthegirlsaid:

"Doyouenjoyknitting，Mrs。Adam？"

Theoldladylookedatherabovethespectacles。

"Enjoy，mydear？Itpassesthetime。"

"Butdoyouwantthetimetopass？"

Therewasnoanswerforamoment，andNoelthought:’Howdreadfulofmetohavesaidthat！’

"Eh？"saidtheoldlady。

"Isaid:Isn’titverytiring？"

"NotwhenIdon’tthinkaboutit，mydear。"

"Whatdoyouthinkabout？"

Theoldladycackledgently。

"Oh——well！"shesaid。

AndNoelthought:’Itmustbedreadfultogrowold，andpassthetime！’

Shetookupherfather’sletter，andbentitmeditativelyagainstherchin。Hewantedhertopassthetime——nottolive，nottoenjoy！Topassthetime。Whatelsehadhebeendoinghimself，alltheseyears，eversinceshecouldremember，eversincehermotherdied，butjustpassingthetime？Passingthetimebecausehedidnotbelieveinthislife;notlivingatall，justpreparingforthelifehedidbelievein。Denyinghimselfeverythingthatwasexcitingandnice，sothatwhenhediedhemightpasspureandsaintlytohisotherworld。HecouldnotbelieveCaptainFortagoodman，becausehehadnotpassedthetime，andresistedLeila;andLeilawasgone！Andnowitwasasinforhimtolovesomeoneelse;hemustpassthetimeagain。’Daddydoesn’tbelieveinlife，’shethought;’it’smonsieur’spicture。Daddy’sasaint;butIdon’twanttobeasaint，andpassthetime。Hedoesn’tmindmakingpeopleunhappy，becausethemorethey’rerepressed，thesaintlierthey’llbe。ButIcan’tbeartobeunhappy，ortoseeothersunhappy。IwonderifIcouldbeartobeunhappytosavesomeoneelse——asLeilais？Iadmireher！

Oh！Iadmireher！She’snotdoingitbecauseshethinksitgoodforhersoul;onlybecauseshecan’tbearmakinghimunhappy。Shemustlovehimverymuch。PoorLeila！Andshe’sdoneitallbyherself，ofherownaccord。’ItwaslikewhatGeorgesaidofthesoldiers;

theydidn’tknowwhytheywereheroes，itwasnotbecausethey’dbeentoldtobe，orbecausetheybelievedinafuturelife。Theyjusthadtobe，frominsidesomewhere，tosaveothers。’AndtheylovelifeasmuchasIdo，’shethought。’Whatabeastitmakesonefeel！’Thoseneedles！Resistance——acquiescence？Bothperhaps。Theoldestladyintheworld，withherlipsmovingatthecorners，keepingthingsin，hadlivedherlife，andknewit。Howdreadfultoliveonwhenyouwereofnomoreinteresttoanyone，butmustjust"passthetime"anddie。Buthowmuchmoredreadfulto"passthetime"whenyouwerestrong，andlifeandlovewereyoursforthetaking！’Ishan’tanswerDaddy，’shethought。

II

Themaid，whooneSaturdayinJulyopenedthedoortoJimmyFort，hadneverheardthenameofLaird，forshewasbutaunitintheceaselessprocessionwhichpassthroughtheboarding—housesofplacessubjecttoair—raids。Placinghiminasitting—room，shesaidshewouldfindMiss’Allow。Therehewaited，turningtheleavesofanillustratedJournal，whereinSocietybeauties;starvingServians，actresseswithprettylegs，prizedogs，sinkingships，Royalties，shellsbursting，andpadresreadingfuneralservices，testifiedtothecatholicityofthepublictaste，butdidnotassuagehisnerves。

Whatiftheiraddresswerenotknownhere？Why，inhisfearofputtingthingstothetest，hadheletthismonthgoby？Anoldladywassittingbythehearth，knitting，theclickofwhoseneedlesblendedwiththebuzzingofalargebeeonthewindow—pane。’Shemayknow，’hethought，’shelooksasifshe’dbeenhereforever。’Andapproachingher，hesaid:

"Icanassureyouthosesocksareverymuchappreciated，ma’am。"

Theoldladybridledoverherspectacles。

"Itpassesthetime，"shesaid。

"Oh，morethanthat;ithelpstowinthewar，ma’am。"

Theoldlady’slipsmovedatthecorners;shedidnotanswer。

’Deaf！’hethought。

"MayIaskifyouknewmyfriends，DoctorandMrs。Laird，andMissPierson？"

Theoldladycackledgently。

"Oh，yes！Aprettyyounggirl;asprettyaslife。Sheusedtositwithme。Quiteapleasuretowatchher;suchlargeeyesshehad。"

"Wherehavetheygone？Canyoutellme？"

"Oh，Idon’tknowatall。"

Itwasalittlecolddoucheonhisheart。Helongedtosay:’Stopknittingaminute，please。It’smylife，toknow。’Butthetuneoftheneedlesanswered:’It’smylifetoknit。’Andheturnedawaytothewindow。

"Sheusedtositjustthere;quitestill;quitestill。"

Fortlookeddownatthewindow—seat。So，sheusedtositjusthere，quitestill。

"Whatadreadfulwarthisis！"saidtheoldlady。"Haveyoubeenatthefront？"

"Yes。"

"Tothinkofthepooryounggirlswho’llneverhavehusbands！I’msureIthinkit’sdreadful。"

"Yes，"saidFort;"it’sdreadful——"Andthenavoicefromthedoorwaysaid:

"DidyouwantDoctorandMrs。Laird，sir？EastBungalowtheiraddressis;it’salittlewayoutontheNorthRoad。Anyonewilltellyou。"

WithasighofreliefFortlookedgratefullyattheoldladywhohadcalledNoelasprettyaslife。"Goodafternoon，ma’am。"

"Goodafternoon。"Theneedlesclicked，andlittlemovementsoccurredatthecornersofhermouth。Fortwentout。Hecouldnotfindavehicle，andwasalongtimewalking。TheBungalowwasugly，ofyellowbrickpointedwithred。Itlayabouttwo—thirdsupbetweenthemainroadandcliffs，andhadarock—gardenandaglaring，brand—

newlook，intheafternoonsunlight。Heopenedthegate，utteringoneofthoseprayerswhichcomesogliblyfromunbelieverswhentheywantanything。Ababy’scryingansweredit，andhethoughtwithecstasy:’Heaven，sheishere！’Passingtherock—gardenhecouldseealawnatthebackofthehouseandaperambulatoroutthereunderaholm—oaktree，andNoel——surelyNoelherself！Hardeninghisheart，hewentforward。Inalilacsunbonnetshewasbendingovertheperambulator。Hetrodsoftlyonthegrass，andwasquiteclosebeforesheheardhim。Hehadpreparednowords，butjustheldouthishand。Thebaby，interestedintheshadowfailingacrossitspram，ceasedcrying。Noeltookhishand。Underthesunbonnet，whichhidherhair，sheseemedolderandpaler，asifshefelttheheat。

Hehadnofeelingthatshewasgladtoseehim。

"Howdoyoudo？HaveyouseenGratian;sheoughttobein。"

"Ididn’tcometoseeher;Icametoseeyou。"

Noelturnedtothebaby。

"Hereheis。"

Fortstoodattheendoftheperambulator，andlookedatthatotherfellow’sbaby。Intheshadeofthehood，withthefrillyclothes，itseemedtohimlyingwithitsheaddownhill。Ithadscratcheditssnubnoseandbumpyforehead，anditstaredupatitsmotherwithblueeyes，whichseemedtohavenounderlidssofatwereitscheeks。

"Iwonderwhattheythinkabout，"hesaid。

Noelputherfingerintothebaby’sfist。

"Theyonlythinkwhentheywantsomething。"

"That’sadeepsaying:buthiseyesareawfullyinterestedinyou。"

Noelsmiled;andveryslowlythebaby’scurlymouthunclosed，anddiscoveredhistoothlessness。

"He’sadarling，"shesaidinawhisper。

’Andsoareyou，’hethought，’ifonlyIdaredsayit！’

"Daddyishere，"shesaidsuddenly，withoutlookingup。"He’ssailingforEgyptthedayafterto—morrow。Hedoesn’tlikeyou。"

Fort’sheartgaveajump。Whydidshetellhimthat，unless——unlessshewasjustalittleonhisside？

"Iexpectedthat，"hesaid。"I’masinner，asyouknow。"

Noellookedupathim。"Sin！"shesaid，andbentagainoverherbaby。Theword，thetoneinwhichshesaidit，crouchingoverherbaby，gavehimthethought:’Ifitweren’tforthatlittlecreature，Ishouldn’thaveadog’schance。’Hesaid，"I’llgoandseeyourfather。Ishein？"

"Ithinkso。"

"MayIcometo—morrow？。"

"It’sSunday;andDaddy’slastday。"

"Ah！Ofcourse。"Hedidnotdarelookback，toseeifhergazewasfollowinghim，buthethought:’Chanceornochance，I’mgoingtofightforhertoothandnail。’

InaroomdarkenedagainsttheeveningsunPiersonwassittingonasofareading。ThesightofthatfigureinkhakidisconcertedFort，whohadnotrealisedthattherewouldbethismetamorphosis。Thenarrowface，clean—shavennow，withitsdeep—seteyesandcompressedlips，lookedmorepriestlythanever，inspiteofthisbrowngarb。

Hefelthishopesuddenlytobeveryforlornindeed。Andrushingatthefence，hebeganabruptly:

"I’vecometoaskyou，sir，foryourpermissiontomarryNoel，ifshewillhaveme。"

HehadthoughtPierson’sfacegentle;itwasnotgentlenow。"DidyouknowIwashere，then，CaptainFort？"

"IsawNoelinthegarden。I’vesaidnothingtoher，ofcourse。Butshetoldmeyouwerestartingto—morrowforEgypt，soIshallhavenootherchance。"

"Iamsorryyouhavecome。Itisnotformetojudge，butIdon’tthinkyouwillmakeNoelhappy。"

"MayIaskyouwhy，sir？"

"CaptainFort，theworld’sjudgmentofthesethingsisnotmine;butsinceyouaskme。Iwilltellyoufrankly。MycousinLeilahasaclaimonyou。Itisheryoushouldasktomarryyou。"

"Ididaskher;sherefused。"

"Iknow。Shewouldnotrefuseyouagainifyouwentouttoher。"

"Iamnotfreetogoouttoher;besides，shewouldrefuse。SheknowsIdon’tloveher，andneverhave。"

"Neverhave？"

"No。"

"Thenwhy——"

"BecauseI’maman，Isuppose，andafool"

"Ifitwassimply，’becauseyouareaman’asyoucallit，itisclearthatnoprincipleorfaithgovernsyou。AndyetyouaskmetogiveyouNoel;mypoorNoel，whowantstheloveandprotectionnotofa’man’butofagoodman。No，CaptainFort，no！"

Fortbithislips。"I’mclearlynotagoodmaninyoursenseoftheword;butIloveherterribly，andIwouldprotecther。Idon’tintheleastknowwhethershe’llhaveme。Idon’texpectherto，naturally。ButIwarnyouthatImeantoaskher，andtowaitforher。I’msomuchinlovethatIcandonothingelse。"。

"Themanwhoistrulyinlovedoeswhatisbestfortheoneheloves。"Fortbenthishead;hefeltasifhewereatschoolagain，confrontinghishead—master。"That’strue，"hesaid。"AndIshallnevertradeonherposition。Ifshecan’tfeelanythingformenoworinthefuture，Ishan’ttroubleher，youmaybesureofthat。Butifbysomewonderfulchancesheshould，IknowIcanmakeherhappy，sir。"

"Sheisachild。"

"No，she’snotachild，"saidFortstubbornly。

Piersontouchedthelapelofhisnewtunic。"CaptainFort，Iamgoingfarawayfromher，andleavingherwithoutprotection。Itrusttoyourchivalrynottoaskher，tillIcomeback。"

Fortthrewbackhishead。"No，no，Iwon’tacceptthatposition。

Withorwithoutyourpresencethefactswillbethesame。Eithershecanloveme，orshecan’t。Ifshecan，she’llbehappierwithme。

Ifshecan’t，there’sanendofit。"

Piersoncameslowlyuptohim。"Inmyview，"hesaid，"youareasboundtoLeilaasifyouweremarriedtoher。"

"Youcan’t，expectmetotakethepriest’sview，sir。

Pierson’slipstrembled。

"Youcallitapriest’sview;Ithinkitisonlytheviewofamanofhonour。"

Fortreddened。"That’sformyconscience，"hesaidstubbornly。

"Ican’ttellyou，andI’mnotgoingto，howthingsbegan。Iwasafool。ButIdidmybest，andIknowthatLeiladoesn’tthinkI’mbound。Ifshehad，shewouldneverhavegone。Whenthere’snofeeling——thereneverwasrealfeelingonmyside——andwhenthere’sthisterriblyrealfeelingforNoel，whichIneversought，whichI

triedtokeepdown，whichIranawayfrom"Didyou？"

"Yes。Togoonwiththeotherwasfoul。Ishouldhavethoughtyoumighthaveseenthat，sir;butIdidgoonwithit。ItwasLeilawhomadeanend。"

"Leilabehavednobly，Ithink。"

"Shewassplendid;butthatdoesn’tmakemeabrute。"。

Piersonturnedawaytothewindow，whencehemustseeNoel。

"Itisrepugnanttome，"hesaid。"Istherenevertobeanypurityinherlife？"

"Istherenevertobeanylifeforher？Atyourrate，sir，therewillbenone。I’mnoworsethanothermen，andIlovehermorethantheycould。"

ForfullyaminutePiersonstoodsilent，beforehesaid:"ForgivemeifI’vespokenharshly。Ididn’tmeanto。Iloveherintensely;I

wishfornothingbuthergood。ButallmylifeIhavebelievedthatforamanthereisonlyonewoman——forawomanonlyoneman。"

"Then，Sir，"Fortburstout，"youwishher——"

Piersonhadputhishandup，asiftowardoffablow;and，angrythoughhewas，Fortstopped。

"Weareallmadeoffleshandblood，"hecontinuedcoldly，"anditseemstomethatyouthinkwearen’t。"

"Wehavespiritstoo，CaptainFort。"ThevoicewassuddenlysogentlethatFort’sangerevaporated。

"Ihaveagreatrespectforyou，sir;butagreaterloveforNoel，andnothinginthisworldwillpreventmetryingtogivemylifetoher。"

AsmilequiveredoverPierson’sface。"Ifyoutry，thenIcanbutpraythatyouwillfail。"

Fortdidnotanswer，andwentout。

Hewalkedslowlyawayfromthebungalow，withhisheaddown，sore，angry，andyet—relieved。Heknewwherehestood;nordidhefeelthathehadbeenworsted——thosestrictureshadnottouchedhim。

Convictedofimmorality，heremainedconsciousofprivatejustifications，inawaythathumanbeingshave。Onlyonelittlecornerofmemory，unseenanduncriticisedbyhisopponent，troubledhim。Hepardonedhimselftherest;theonethinghedidnotpardonwasthefactthathehadknownNoelbeforehisliaisonwithLeilacommenced;hadevenletLeilasweephimawayon，aneveningwhenhehadbeeninNoel’scompany。Forthathefeltarealdisgustwithhimself。Andallthewaybacktothestationhekeptthinking:’HowcouldI？Ideservetoloseher！Still，Ishalltry;butnotnow——

notyet！’And，wearilyenough，hetookthetrainbacktotown。

III

Bothgirlsroseearlythatlastday，andwentwiththeirfathertoCommunion。AsGratianhadsaidtoGeorge:"It’snothingtomenow，butitwillmeanalottohimoutthere，asamemoryofus。SoI

mustgo。"Andhehadanswered:"Quiteright，mydear。Lethimhaveallhecangetofyoubothto—day。I’llkeepoutoftheway，andbebackthelastthingatnight。"Theirfather’ssmilewhenhesawthemwaitingforhimwentstraighttoboththeirhearts。Itwasadeliciousday，andtheearlyfreshnesshadnotyetdriedoutoftheair，whentheywerewalkinghometobreakfast。Eachgirlhadslippedahandunderhisarm。’It’slikeMosesorwasitAaron？’NoelthoughtabsurdlyMemoryhadcompleteholdofher。Alltheolddays！

NurseryhoursonSundaysaftertea，storiesoutofthehugeBibleboundinmother—o’pearl，withphotogravuresoftheHolyLand——palms，andhills，andgoats，andlittleEasternfigures，andfunnyboatsontheSeaofGalilee，andcamels——alwayscamels。Thebookwouldbeonhisknee，andtheyoneoneacharmofhischair，waitingeagerlyforthepagestobeturnedsothatanewpicturecame。Andtherewouldbethefeelofhischeek，pricklyagainsttheirs;andtheoldnameswiththeoldglamour——toGratian，Joshua，Daniel，Mordecai，Peter;toNoelAbsalombecauseofhishair，andHamanbecauseshelikedthesound，andRuthbecauseshewasprettyandJohnbecauseheleanedonJesus’breast。NeitherofthemcaredforJoborDavid，andElijahandElishatheydetestedbecausetheyhatedthenameEliza。Andlaterdaysbyfirelightinthedrawing—room，roastingchestnutsjustbeforeeveningchurch，andtellingghoststories，andtryingtomakeDaddyeathisshare。Andhoursbesidehimatthepiano，eacheagerforherspecialhymns——forGratian，"Onward，ChristianSoldiers，"

"Lead，KindlyLight，"and"OGodOurHelp";forNoel，"Nearer，MyGod，toThee，"theonewith"TheHostsofMidian"init，and"ForThoseinPerilontheSea。"Andcarols！Ah！AndChoristers！Noelhadlovedonedeeply——theword"chorister"wassoenchanting;andbecauseofhiswhiteness，andhairwhichhadnogreaseonit，butstoodupallbright;shehadneverspokentohim——afarworship，likethatforastar。Andalways，alwaysDaddyhadbeengentle;sometimesangry，butalwaysgentle;andtheysometimesnotatall！Andmixedupwithitall，thedogstheyhadhad，andthecatstheyhadhad，andthecockatoo，andthegovernesses，andtheirredcloaks，andthecurates，andthepantomimes，and"PeterPan，"and"AliceinWonderland"——Daddysittingbetweenthem，sothatonecouldsnuggleup。Andlater，theschool—days，thehockey，theprizes，theholidays，therushintohisarms;andthegreatandwonderfulyearlyexodustofarplaces，fishingandbathing;walksanddrives;ridesandclimbs，alwayswithhim。AndconcertsandShakespeareplaysintheChristmasandEasterholidays;andthewalkhomethroughthestreets——alllightedinthosedays——oneoneachsideofhim。Andthiswastheend！Theywaitedonhimatbreakfast:theykeptstealingglancesathim，photographinghimintheirminds。GratiangothercameraanddidactuallyphotographhiminthemorningsunlightwithNoel，withoutNoel，withthebaby;againstallregulationsforthedefenceoftherealm。ItwasNoelwhosuggested:

"Daddy，let’stakelunchoutandgoforalldayonthecliffs，usthree，andforgetthere’sawar。"

Soeasytosay，sodifficulttodo，withtheboomofthegunstravellingtotheirearsalongthegrass，mingledwiththebuzzofinsects。Yetthathumofsummer，theinnumerablevoicesoftinylives，gossamerthingsallasaliveasthey，andasimportanttotheirfrailselves;andthewhiteclouds，fewandsoslow—moving，andtheremotestrangepuritywhichclingstothechalkydowns，allthiswhiteandgreenandblueoflandandseahaditspeace，whichcreptintothespiritsofthosethreealonewithNature，thisoncemore，thelasttimefor——whocouldsayhowlong？Theytalked，bytacitagreement，ofnothingbutwhathadhappenedbeforethewarbegan，whiletheflockoftheblowndandelionsdriftedpast。Piersonsatcross—leggedonthegrass，withouthiscap，sufferingalittlestillfromthestiffnessofhisunwontedgarments。Andthegirlslayoneoneachsideofhim，halfcritical，andhalfadmiring。Noelcouldnotbearhiscollar。

"Ifyouhadasoftcollaryou’dbelovely，Daddy。Perhapsouttherethey’llletyoutakeitoff。ItmustbefearfullyhotinEgypt。Oh！

IwishIweregoing。IwishIweregoingeverywhereintheworld。

Someday！"Presentlyhereadtothem，Murray’s"Hippolytus"ofEuripides。AndnowandthenGratianandhediscussedapassage。ButNoellaysilent，lookingatthesky。Wheneverhisvoiceceased，therewasthesongofthelarks，andveryfaint，thedistantmutteroftheguns。

Theystayeduptheretillpastsix，anditwastimetogoandhaveteabeforeEveningService。Thosehoursinthebakingsunhaddrawnvirtueoutofthem;theyweresilentandmelancholyalltheevening。

Noelwasthefirsttogouptoherbedroom。Shewentwithoutsayinggoodnight——sheknewherfatherwouldcometoherroomthatlastevening。Georgehadnotyetcomein;andGratianwasleftalonewithPiersoninthedrawing—room，roundwhosesinglelamp，inspiteofclose—drawncurtains，mothswerecircling:Shemovedovertohimonthesofa。

"Dad，promisemenottoworryaboutNollie;we’lltakecareofher。"

"Shecanonlytakecareofherself，Gracie，andwillshe？DidyouknowthatCaptainFortwashereyesterday？"

"Shetoldme。"

"Whatisherfeelingabouthim？"

"Idon’tthinksheknows。Nolliedreamsalong，andthensuddenlyrushes。"

"Iwishsheweresafefromthatman。"

"But，Dad，why？GeorgelikeshimandsodoI。

Abiggreymothwasflutteringagainstthelamp。Piersongotupandcaughtitinthecurveofhispalm。"Poorthing！You’relikemyNollie;sosoft，anddreamy，sofeckless，soreckless。"Andgoingtothecurtains，hethrusthishandthrough，andreleasedthemoth。

"Dad！"saidGratiansuddenly，"wecanonlyfindoutforourselves，evenifwedosingeourwingsindoingit。We’vebeenreadingJames’s’Pragmatism。’Georgesaystheonlychapterthat’simportantismissing——theoneonethics，toshowthatwhatwedoisnotwrongtillit’sprovedwrongbytheresult。Isupposehewasafraidtodeliverthatlecture。"

Pierson’sfaceworethesmilewhichalwayscameonitwhenhehadtodealwithGeorge，thesmilewhichsaid:"Ah，George，that’sveryclever;butIknow。"

"Mydear，"hesaid，"thatdoctrineisthemostdangerousintheworld。IamsurprisedatGeorge。"

"Idon’tthinkGeorgeisindanger，Dad。"

"Georgeisamanofwideexperienceandstrongjudgmentandcharacter;butthinkhowfatalitwouldbeforNollie，mypoorNollie，whomalittlegustcanblowintothecandle。"

"Allthesame，"saidGratianstubbornly，"Idon’tthinkanyonecanbegoodorworthanythingunlesstheyjudgeforthemselvesandtakerisks。"

Piersonwentclosetoher;hisfacewasquivering。

"Don’tletusdifferonthislastnight;ImustgouptoNollieforaminute，andthentobed。Ishan’tseeyouto—morrow;youmustn’tgetup;Icanbearpartingbetterlikethis。Andmytraingoesateight。

Godblessyou，Gracie;giveGeorgemylove。Iknow，Ihavealwaysknownthathe’sagoodman，thoughwedofightso。Good—bye，mydarling。"

HewentoutwithhischeekswetfromGratian’stears，andstoodintheporchaminutetorecoverhiscomposure。Theshadowofthehousestretchedvelvetandbluntovertherock—garden。Anight—jarwasspinning;thechurringsoundaffectedhimoddly。ThelastEnglishnight—birdhewouldhear。England！Whatanight—tosaygood—bye！

’Mycountry！’hethought;’mybeautifulcountry！’Thedewwaslyingthickandsilveryalreadyonthelittlepatchofgrass—thelastdew，thelastscentofanEnglishnight。Thecallofabuglefloatedout。

"England！"heprayed;"Godbeaboutyou！"Alittlesoundansweredfromacrossthegrass，likeanoldman’scough，andthescrapeandrattleofachain。Afaceemergedattheedgeofthehouse’sshadow;

beardedandhornedlikethatofPan，itseemedtostareathim。Andhesawthedimgreyformofthegardengoat，hearditscuttleroundthestaketowhichitwastethered，asthoughalarmedatthisvisitortoits’domain。

Hewentupthehalf—flightofstairstoNoel’snarrowlittleroom，nextthenursery。Novoiceansweredhistap。Itwasdark，buthecouldseeheratthewindow，leaningfarout，withherchinonherhands。

"Nollie！"

Sheansweredwithoutturning:"Suchalovelynight，Daddy。Comeandlook！I’dliketosetthegoatfree，onlyhe’deattherockplants。

Butitishisnight，isn’tit？Heoughttoberunningandskippinginit:it’ssuchashametotiethingsup。Didyounever，feelwildinyourheart，Daddy？"

"Always，Ithink，Nollie;toowild。It’sbeenhardtotameoneself。"

Noelslippedherhandthroughhisarm。"Let’sgoandtakethegoatandskiptogetheronthehills。Ifonlywehadapennywhistle！Didyouhearthebugle？Thebugleandthegoat！"

Piersonpressedthehandagainsthim。

"Nollie，begoodwhileI’maway。YouknowwhatIdon’twant。Itoldyouinmyletter。"Helookedathercheek，anddaredsaynomore。

Herfacehadits"fey"lookagain。

"Don’tyoufeel，"shesaidsuddenly，"onanightlikethis，allthethings，allthethings——thestarshavelives，Daddy，andthemoonhasabiglife，andtheshadowshave，andthemothsandthebirdsandthegoatsandthetrees，andtheflowers，andallofus——escaped？Oh！

Daddy，whyisthereawar？Andwhyarepeoplesoboundandsounhappy？。Don’ttellmeit’sGod——don’t！"

Piersoncouldnotanswer，fortherecameintohismindtheGreeksonghehadbeenreadingaloudthatafternoon"OforadeepanddewySpring，Withrunletscoldtodrawanddrink，Andagreatmeadowblossoming，Long—grassed，andpoplarsinaring，Torestmebythebrink。

Otakemetothemountain，O，Pastthegreatpinesandthroughthewood，Upwheretheleanhoundssoftlygo，A—whineforwildthings’blood，Andmadlyfliesthedappledroe，OGod，toshoutandspeedthemthere;

AnarrowbymychestnuthairDrawntightandonekeenglimmeringspearAh！ifIcould！"

Allthatinlifehadbeentohimunknown，ofventureandwildsavour;