第5章

Aboutthetimeyoufindyourselfembarkingonacareerofteasandweddingsyoualsobegintofindyourselfworryingabouttheappearanceofyourhands。Upuntilnowthehandshavegivenyounogreatconcernonewayortheother，butsomedayyouwaketotherealizationthatyouneedtobemanicured。Onceyoucatchthatdiseasethereisnohopeforyou。Therearewaysofcuringyouofalmostanyhabitexceptmanicuring。Yougetsothatyouaren"tsatisfiedunlessyournailsrundownaboutaquarterofaninchfurtherthannailswereoriginallyintendedtorun，andunlesstheyglitterfreelyyoufeelstrangelydistraughtincompany。

Inasmuchasnomalecreature"sfingernailswillglitterwiththedesireddegreeofbrilliancyformorethantwenty—fourshortandfleetinghoursafteratreatmentyoufindyourselfconstantlyintheactofeitherjustgettingamanicureorjustgettingoverone。

Itisanexpensivehabit，too;ittakestimeandittakesmoney。

There"sthefixedchargeformanicuringinthefirstplaceandthenthere"sthetip。Oncetherewasamanicureladywhowouldn"ttakeatip，butsheisnownomore。Herindignantsistersstabbedhertodeathwithhatpinsandnail—files。Manicuringasapublicprofessionisacomparativelyrecentdevelopmentofourcivilization。Thefathersoftherepublicandthefoundersoftheconstitution，whichwasfoundedfirstandhasbeenfounderingeversinceifyoucanbelievewhatalotofpeopleinCongresssay——theyknewnothingofmanicuring。Speakingbyandlarge，theyonlygottheirthumbswetwhendoingoneofthreethings——takingabath，goinginswimmingorturningapageinabook。WashingtonprobablywasnevermanicurednorJeffersonnorFranklin;it"sacinchthatDanielBooneandIsraelPutnamandGeorgeRogersClarkweren"tandyetitisgenerallyconcededthattheygotalongfairlywellwithoutit。Butasthecampaignoratorsareforeverpointingoutfromthehustlersandtheforum，thisisanagecallingforchangeandadvancement。Andmanicuringisoneoftheadvancementsthatlikewisecallsforthechange——forfiftycentsinchangeanyhowandmoreifyouareinclinedtobegenerouswiththetip。

Shallyoueverforgetyourfirstmanicure？Theshan"tsareunanimouslyinthemajority。Itseemsaneasythingtowalkintoamanicureparlororabarbershopandshoveyourhandsacrossalittletabletoastrangeyoungwomanandtellhertogoaheadandshine"emupabit——thewayyouhearoldveteranmanicureessayingit。Itseemseasy，Isay，andlookseasy;butitisn"taseasyasitseems。Untilyougethardened，itrequirescourageofaveryhighorder。You，theabashednovice，seeothermensittinginthefrontwindowofthemanicureshopjustasdebonairandcozyasthoughthey"dbeenbornandraisedthere，swappingthereadyreparteeofthedaywithdashingcreaturesofafrequentlyblondeaspect，andyouimaginetheyhavealwaysdoneso。Youlittleknowthatthesepersonswhoarenowappearingsomuchathomeandwhocansnapoutthosebright，wittythingslike"IgotcherSteve，"

and"Well，seewho"shere？"withoutamoment"shesitationandwithouthavingtostopandthinkfortherightwordortherightphrasebuthaveitrightthereonthetipofthetongue——youlittlereckthattheytoopassedthroughthesameinitiationwhichyounowcontemplate。Yetsuchisthecase。

Youhavedressrehearsals——privateones——inyourroom。Intheseclusionofyourbedchamberyoupictureyourselfopeningthedoorofthemarblemanicurehallandsteppinginwithabriskyetgracefultread——likeJamesK。Hackettmakinganentranceinthefirstact——andglancingaboutyoucasually——likeJohnDrewcountingupthehouse——andsaying"Hellogirlies，how"reallthelittleHeart"sDelightsthisafternoon？"justlikethat，andpickingoutthemostsumptuousandattractiveoftheflatteredyoungladiesinwaiting;andsinkingeasilyintothechairoppositeher——seephotosofWilliamFavershamandthrowingthecoatlapelsback，atthesametimerestingthelefthandclenchedupontheupperthighwiththeelbowwellout——DonaldBrianaskingaladytowaltz——andofferingtherighthandtothefavoredfemaleandtellinghertogoasfarasshelikeswithit。Itsoundssimplewhenyoufiguringitoutalone，butitrarelyworksoutthatwayinpractice。ItismybeliefthateverywomanlongsforthenoveltyofaTurkishbathandeverymanforthenoveltyofamanicurelongbeforeeitherdarestotackleit。Imaybewrongbutthisismybelief。Andinthecaseofthemanheusuallymakesanumberoffalsestarts。

Yougototheportalsandhesitateandthen，stumblingacrossthethreshold，youeitherdiveonthroughtothebarbershop——ifthereisabarbershopinconnection——orelseyoumumblesomethingaboutbeinginahurryandcomingbackagain，andretreatwithallthegraceandeasethatwouldbeshownbyahardshellcrabthatwastryingtobackintothemouthofamilkbottle。Youarelikelytodothisseveraltimes;butfinallysomedayyoustick。Youslumpdownintooneofthoselittlechairsandofferyourhandsoroneofthemtoacalmandslightlyarrogantlookingyoungladyandyoutellhertopleaseshinethemupalittle。Youendeavortoappearasthoughyouhadbeendoingthisatfrequentperiodsstretchingthroughagreatnumberofyears，butshe——blessherlittleheart！——

sheknowsbetterthanthat。Thefemaleofthemanicuringspeciesisnottobedeceivedbyanysuchcheapandtransparentartifices。

Ifyouworeapeekaboowaistshecouldn"tseethroughyouanyeasier。Yourhandswouldgiveyouawayifyourfacedidn"t。Inasibulentaside，sheaddressestheyoungladyatthenexttable——

theonewiththeninebraceletsandthehairdoneupdelicatessenstoremode——sausages，rollsandbuns——whereuponbothofthemlaughinasignificant，silveryway，andyoufeelthebackofyournecksettingyourcollaronfire。Youcansmellthebonebuttonbacktherescorchingandyou"regladit"snotcelluloid，celluloidbeingmoreinflammableandsubjecttocombustionwhensubjectedtointenseheat。

Whenbothhavelaughedtheirmerryfill，theyoungwomanwhohasyouinchargelooksyourightintheeyeandsays:

"Dearieme;you"llpardonmesayingso，butyournailsareinaperfectlyturriblestate。Idon"tthinkI"veseenajumpman"snailsinsuchastateforeversolong。Pardonmeagain——buthowlonghasitbeensinceyouhadthemdid？"

Towhichyoureplyinwhatismeanttobeajauntyandoff—handtone:

"Ohquitesomelittlewhile。I"ve——I"vebeenoutoftown。"

"That"swhatIthought，"shesayswithaslightshrug。Itisn"tsomuchwhatshesays——it"sthewayshesaysit，thetoneandallthat，whichmakesyoufeelsmallerandsmalleruntilyoucouldcrawlintoyourownwatchpocketandlivehappilythereeverafter。

There"dbeslewsofroomandwhenyouwantedtheairofaneveningyoucouldclimbupinabuttonholeofyourvestandbequitecosyandcomfortable。Butshrinkasyoumay，thereisnownohopeofescape，forshehasreachedoutandgrabbedyoufirmlybythewrist。Shehasyoufast。Youhaveafeelingthateightorninethousandpeoplehaveassembledbehindyouandareallgazingfixedlyintothesmallofyourback。Theonlythingsaboutyouthathaven"tshrivelledupareyourhands。Youcanfeelthemgrowinglargerandlargerandredderandredderandmoreprominentandconspicuouseveryinstant。

Theladybeginsoperations。Youareastonishedtonotehowmanytoolsandimplementsittakestomanicureapairofhandsproperly。

Thetopofherlittletableisfullofthemandshepullsopenadrawerandshowsyousomemore，rangedinrows。Therearefilesandsteelbitersandpigeon—toedscissorsandscrapersandpolishersandthings;andwadsofcottonwithwhichtostaunchthebloodofthewounded，andbottlesofliquidandlittlemedicinallookingjarsfullofredpaste;andacutglasscrockwithsoapsudsinitandawholelotoflittleorangewoodstobbers。

IntheinterestoftruthIhavetakenthepainstoenquireandI

haveascertainedthatthesestobbersareinvariablyoforangewood。Saywhatyouwill，theorangetreeisahardygrowth。

EveryFebruaryyoureadinthepapersthattheFloridaorangecrop，forthethirdconsecutivetimesinceChristmashasbeenentirelyandtotallydestroyedbyfrostandyetthereisalwaysanadequatesupplyonhandoftheprincipalproductsoftheorange—phosphateforthesodafountains，blossomsforthebride，politicalsentimentfortheNorthofIrelandandlittlesharpstobbersforthemanicurelady。SpeakingasanoutsiderIwouldsaythatthereoughttobeothervarietiesofwoodthatwouldserveaswellandbringaboutthedesiredresultsasreadily——agoodthornyvarietyofpoisonivyoughttofillthebill，Ishouldthink。Butitseemsthatorangewoodisabsolutelyessential。AmanicureladycouldnomoredoamanicureproperlywithoutusinganorangewoodstobberatcertainperiodsthanacartoonistcoulddrawapictureofamaninjailwithoutputtingaballandchainonhimorasummerresortcouldgetalongwithoutaLover"sLeapwithineasywalkingdistanceofthehotel。Itsimplyisn"tdone，that"sall。

Well，asIwassaying，shegetsouthertoolkitandgoestoworkonyou。Youdidn"tdreamthatthereweresomanythings——mainlyofapainfulnature——thatcouldbedonetoasinglefingernailandyouflinchasyousuddenlyrememberthatyouhavetenoftheminall，countingthumbsinwithfingers。Shetakesafingernailinhandandshefilesitandshetrimsitandshesoftensitwithhotwaterandhardensitwithchemicalsandparboilsitalittlewhileandthenshecutsoffthehangnails——iftherearen"tanyhangnailstherealreadyshe"llmakeafew——andsheshearsawayenoughextracuticletocoverquiteagood—sizedlittleboy。Shegoesoveryouwithabristlebrush，andwarmsupyournerveendsuntilyoutingleclearbacktoyourdorsalfinandthenshetakesoneofthoseorangewoodstobberspreviouslyreferredto，andgoesonanexploringexpeditiondownunderthenail，lookingforthequick。

Shealwaysfindsit。Thereisnorecordofafailuretofindthequick。Havingfounditsheproceedstowakeitupandteachitsomeparlortricks。Imaynothavesetforthallthesevariousdetailsintheexactorderinwhichtheytakeplace，butIknowshedoesthemall。Andsomewherealongaboutthetimewhensheishalfwaythroughwiththefirsthandshemakesyouputtheotherhandinthesuds。

Lateronwhenyouhavehadmorepracticeatthisthingyoulearntowaitforthesignalbeforeplungingthesecondhandintothesuds，butbeinggreenonthisoccasion，youareapttomistakethemovingofthecrockofsudsoverfromtherighthandsidetothelefthandsideasanoticeandtopokeyouruntouchedhandrightinwithoutfurtherorders，hopingtogetitsoftenedupwellsoastosavehertroubleintrimmingitdowntoasizewhichwillsuither。Butthisiswrong——thisisverywrong，asshetellsyoupromptly，withapityingsmileforyourignorance。

Manicuregirlsareascarefulaboutboilingahandassomeparticularpeopleareaboutbailingtheireggsforbreakfastofamorning。Atwominutehandisnopleasuretoherabsolutelyifshehasdiagnosedyourhandasonecallingforsixminutes，orviceversa。So，shouldyouerrinthisregardshewillsnatchtheoffendinghandoutandwipeitoffandgiveitbacktoyouandtellyoutokeepitinadryplaceuntilshecallsforit。

Manicuregirlsareveryfunnythatway。

Thustimepassesonandonandbydegreesyoubegintofeelmoreandmoreathome。Yourbashfulnessiswearingoff。Thecoherentpowerofspeechhasreturnedtoyouandyouhaveexchangedviewswithherontherelativemeritsofthebetterknownbrandsofchewinggumandwhichkindholdstheflavorlongest，andyouhaveswappedideasontheissueofwhetherladiesshouldorshouldnotsmokecigarettesinpublicandsheknowshowmuchyourstickpincostyouandyouknowwhatherfavoritefloweris。Youaregettingalongfine，whenallofasuddenshedabsyournailswitharedpasteandthensnatchesupakindofapolishingtoolandferociouslyrubsyourfingersuntiltheycatchonfire。Justwhentheconflagrationthreatenstobecomegeneralshestopsusingthepolisherandproceedstocooldowntheruinsbygentlyburnishingyournailsagainstthesoft，pinkpalmofherhand。Youlikethisbetterthantheotherway。Youcouldigniteyourselfbyfrictionalmostanytime，ifyougotholdoftherightkindofachamoisskinrubber，butthisisquitedifferentandhighlysoothing。

Youarebeginningtoreallyenjoythesensationwhensheroguishlypatsthebackofyourhand——pittypat——asasignalthattheoperationisnowover。Youpaythecheckandtipthelady——tipherfiftycentsifyouwishtoberegardedasalovelyjumpmanoronlytwenty—fivecentsifyouaresatisfiedwithbeingavurrynicefella——andyousecureyourhatandstepforthintotheopenwiththefeelingofonewhohastakenatripintoadistantdomainandonthewholehasratherenjoyedit。

Youstandinthesunlightandwaggleyourfingersandyouarestruckwiththedesirableglitterthatflitsfromfingertiptofingertiplikeaheleographwinkingonamountaintop。Itisindeedapleasingspectacle。Youdecidethathereafteryouwillalwaysglitterso。Itischeaperthanwearingdiamondsandmuchmorerefined，andsoyoutakegoodcareofyourfingersallthatdayandcarefullyrefrainfromdippingtheminthebrinewhileengagedinthewellknownindoorsportofspearingfordillpicklesatthebusinessmen"slunch。

Butthenextmorningwhenyouwakeupthedesirableglitterisgone。Youonlyglimmerdully——yourfingersdonotsparkleanddazzleandscintillateastheydid。AsFrancoisVillon，theFrenchpoetwouldundoubtedlyhavesaidhadmanicuresbeenknownatthetimehewaswritinghispoems，"Wherearethemanicuresofyesterday？"insteadofmakingit，"Wherearethesnowsofyesteryear？"therebeingnoanswerreadyforeitherquestion，exceptthatthemanicuresofyesterdaylikethesnowsofyesteryeararenevertherewhenyoustartlookingforthem。Theyhavejustnaturallygotupandgoneaway，leavingnoforwardingaddress。

Youhavenowbeenlauncheduponyourcareerasamanicuree。Younevergetoverit。Youeithergetmarriedandyourwifedoesyournailsforyou，thussavingyoulargesumsofmoney，butfailingtoimpartthehighdegreeofpolishandthespiceofromancenoticedinconnectionwiththesamejobwhendoneawayfromhome，oryoucontinuetopatronizetheregularestablishmentsandbecomeknownintimeasPolishedPercival，thePetoftheManicureParlor。Butineithereventyourhandswhichoncewerehandsandnothingmore，havebecomeasourceofaddedtroubleandexpensetoyou。

Speakingofhandsnaturallybringsonetothesubjectoffeet，whichwasintendedoriginallytobethethemeforthelasthalfofthischapter，butunfortunatelyIfindIhavedevotedsomuchspacetoyourhandsthatthereisbutlittleroomleftforyourfeetandsofarasyourfeetareconcerned，wemustcontentourselvesonthisoccasionwithafewgeneralstatements。

Feet，Itakeit，speakingbothfromexperienceandobservation，areevenmoretroubletousthanhandsare。Therearestillagoodmanyofusleftwhogothroughlifewithoutdoinganythingmuchforourhandsbutwithourfeetitisdifferent。Theythrustthemselvesuponussotospeak，demandingcareandattention。Thisgoesforallsizesandallagesoffeet。Fromthetimeyouareasmallboyandsufferfromstonebruisesinthesummerandchilblainsinthewinter，onthroughlifeyou"rebesetwithcornsandcallousesandfallingoftheinstepandalltheotherillsthatfeetareheirto。

Therichlimpwiththegout，themoderatelywelltodocontentthemselveswithanactiveingrownnailorso，andthepoormangoesoutanddropsanironcastingonhistoe。Nearlyeverymalewholivestoreachthevotingagehasaperiodofmentalweaknessinhisyouthwhenhewearsthosepointedshoesthatturnupattheends，likesleighrunners;andspendstherestofhisliferegrettingit。Feetarecertainlyungratefulthings。Imightsaythattheyareproverbiallyungrateful。Youdoforthemandtheydoyou。Yougetonecorn，hardorsoft，cureduporremovedbodilyandawholecrowdofitsrelativescometotakeitsplace。

IimaginethatNatureintendedweshouldgobarefootedandisnowgettingevenwithusbecausewedidn"t。Ourpoor，painfulfeetgowithusthroughalltheyearsandeverystepinlifeismarkedbyapangofsomesort。Andrightonuptotheendofourdays，ourfeetaregettingmoreinfirmandmoretroublesomeandmorecrotchetyandhardertobearwithallthetime。Howmanyarethererightnowwhohaveonefootinthegraveandtheotheratthechiropodist"s？Thousands，Ireckon。

Napoleonsaidanarmytraveledonitsstomach。Idon"tblamethearmy，farfromit;I"veoftenwishedIcouldtravelthatwaymyself，andI"venodoubtsohaseveryothermanwhoevercrowdedanumbernineandthree—quartersfootintoanumbereightpatent—leathershoe，andthenwenttocallonfriendsresidinginasteam—heatedapartment。Aswhatmanhasnot？Oncethegreen—corndancewasanexclusivethingwiththeSiouxIndians，butitmaynowbewitnessedwhenonemanstepsonanotherman"stoesinacrowd。

Weareaccustomedtomakefunofthehumblewormofthedustbutinonerespectthehumblewormcertainlyhasitonus。Hegoesthroughexistencewithoutanyhandsandanyfeettobotherhim。

IndeedinthisregardIcanthinkofbutonecreatureinallcreationwhoisworseoffthanwepoorhumansare。Thatisthelowlyearwig。Thinkofbeinganearwig，thatsuffersfromfallenarcheshimselfandhasawifethatsuffersfromcoldfeet！