第4章

Indueseason，though，hereachestheagewhereadolescentwhiskersandyoungromancebegintosproutoutonhimsimultaneously——andfromthatmomentonfortherestofhislifehishairisgivinghimbother，andplentyofit。

Yourhairgivesyoubotheraslongasyouhaveitandmorebotherwhenitstartstogo。Youarealwaysdoingsomethingforitanditisalwaysshowingdeep—dyedingratitudeinreturn;orelsethedyeisn"tdeepenough，whichisevenworse。Hairisresponsibleforsuchbyproductsasdandruff，barbers，wigs，severalcomicweeklies，mentalanguish，addedexpense，Chineserevolutions，andthestandardjokeaboutyourwife"susingyourbestrazortoopenacanoftomatoeswith。HairhasbeenofaidtoBuffaloBill，LittleLordFauntleroy，Samson，TheLadyGodiva，Jo—Jo，theDog—FacedBoy，poets，pianists，someartistsandmostmattressmakers，butadrawbackandasorrowtoAbsalom，polarbearsincaptivityandthemalesexingeneral。

Thisassertiongoesnotonlyforhairontheheadbutforhairontheface。Letusconsiderforamomentthematterofshaving。

Ifyoushaveyourselfyouexciteabarber"scontempt，andthereisnobodywhosecontempttheaveragemandreadsmorethanabarber"s，unlessitisawaiter"s。Andontheotherhand，ifyouletabarbershaveyouheexcitesnotyourcontemptparticularly，butyourrageandfrequentlyyourundyinghatred。Onceinaburstofconfidenceabarbertoldmeoneofthetradesecretsofhisprofession——hesaidthatamongbarberseveryfacefellintooneofthreeclasses，itbeingeitherasquare，aroundorasquirrel。Iknownot，reader，whetheryoursbeasquareoraroundorasquirrel，butthismuchIwillchanceonaventure，sightunseen——thatyouhaveyourperiodsofintenseunhappinesswhenyouarebeingshaved。

Idonotrefersomuchtotheactualprocessofbeingshaved。

Indeedthereissomethingrestfulandsoothingtotheaveragemaleadultinthefeelofasharprazorbeingguidedoverabristlyjowlbyadeftandskillfulhand，totheaccompanimentofagentlegratingsoundandfollowedbyasensationoftransientsilkensmoothness。NordoIrefertothebarber"shabitofconversation。

Afterall，abarberishuman——hehastotalktosomebody，anditmightaswellbeyou。Ifhedidn"thaveyoutotalktohe"dhavetotalktoanotherbarber，andthatwouldbenotreattohim。

WhatIdorefertoisthatwhichprecedesashaveandmoreespeciallythatwhichfollowsafterit。Yourushinforashave。

Intenminutesyouhaveanengagementtobemarriedorsomethingelseimportant，andyouwantashaveandyouwantitquick。Doesthebarbertakecognizanceoftheemergency？Hedoesnot。Suchwouldbecontrarytotheethicsofhiscalling。Knowingfromyourownlipsthatyouwantashaveandthat"spositivelyall，heneverthelessisinstantlyfilledwithaburningdesiretoequipyouwithalargenumberofotherthings。Inthisregardthebarberingprofessionhasmuchincommonwiththehaberdasheringorgents"—furnishingprofessionaspracticedinourlargercities。

Youinvadeahaberdasheringestablishmentforthepurpose，letussay，ofinvestinginaplainandsimplepairofhalfhose，pricetwenty—fivecents。Thatemphaticallyisallthatyoudodesire。

Yousostateinplain，simplelanguage，usingtheshorteranduglierwordsocks。

Doestheyouthinthepalemauveshirtwiththemarquiseringonthelittlefingerofthelefthandrestcontentwiththis？NeedI

answerthisquestion？Insuccessionhetriestosellyouafancywaistcoatwithlargepearlbuttons，abrokenlotofsilkpajamas，abath—robe，someshrimp—pinkunderwear——hewearsthiskindhimselfhetellsyouinstrictconfidence——apairofplushsuspendersandaknittednecktiethatyouwouldn"tbecaughtwearingattwelveo"clockatnightatthebottomofacoalmineduringatotaleclipseofthemoon。Ifyouresisthisblandishmentsandsofarforgetthatyouareagentlemanastouseharshlanguage，andifyouinsistonapairofsocksandnothingelse，he"llletyouhavethem，buthewillneverfeelthesametowardyouashedid。

"Tismuchthesamewithabarber。Youneedashaveinahurryandheiswillingthatyoushouldhaveashave，hebeingthereforthatpurpose，butfirstandlasthecanthinkofupwardofthirtyorfortyotherthingsthatyououghttohave，includingashampoo，ahaircut，ahairsinge，ahairtonic，ahairoil，amanicure，afacialmassage，ascalpmassage，aTurkishbath，hisopiniononthemeritsofthenewestWhiteHope，ashoeshine，somekindofaskinfood，andaseriesofcomparisonsoftheweatherwearehavingthistimethismonthwiththeweatherwewerehavingthistimelastmonth。NotallofusaregiftedwiththepowerofreparteebywhichmyfriendFrisbeeturnedtheedgeofthebarber"sdesires。

"Yourhair，"saidthebarber，fondlingatruantlock，"islong。"

"Iknowitis，"saidFrisbee。"Ilikeitlong。It"ssoRoycrofty。"

"Itisverylong，"saidthebarberwithawistfulexpression。

"Ilikeitverylong，"saidFrisbee。"IliketohavepeoplecomeuptomeonthestreetandcallmeMr。SutherlandandaskmehowIleftmysisters？IliketobemistakenforaRussianpianist。

Ilikeforstrangerstostopmeandaskmehow"severythingupatEastAurora。Inshort，Ilikeitlong。"

"Yes，sir，"saidthebarber，"quiteso，sir;butit"sverylong，particularlyhereintheback——itcoversyourcoatcollar。"

"Indeed？"saidFrisbee。"Yousayitcoversmycoatcollar？"

"Yes，sir，"saidthebarber。"Youcan"tseethecoatcollaratall。"

"Haveyougotagoodsharppairofshearsthere？"saidFrisbee。

"Oh，yes，sir，"saidthebarber。

"Allrightthen，"saidFrisbee;"cutthecollaroff。"

Butnotallofus，asIsaidbefore，havethisreadygiftofparryandthrustthatdistinguishesmyfriendFrisbee。Mostlyweweaklysurrender。Orifwerefusetosurrender，demandingjustashavebyitselfandnothingelse，whatthenfollows？Inmyowncase，speakingpersonally，Iknowexactlywhatfollows。IdonotliketohaveanypowderdabbedonmyfacewhenIamthroughshaving。

Ibelieveinlettingthebloomofyouthshowthroughyourskin，providingyouhaveanybloomofyouthtodoso。Ialwaystakepainstostatemyviewsinthisregardatleasttwiceduringtheoperationofbeingshaved——onceatthestartwhenthebarberhasmealllatheredup，withsoapsudsdrippingfromtheflangesofmyshell—likeearsandrunningdownmyneck，andonceagaintowardthecloseoftheoperation，whenhehaslaidasidehisrazorandissousingmydefenselessfeaturesinaliquidthatsmellsandtastesagooddeallikethosescentedpinkblotterstheyusedtogiveawayatdrug—storestoadvertisesomebody"scologne。

Doesthebarberrespectmywishesinthisregard？Certainlynot。

Heinsistsonpowderingme，eitherbeforemyeyesorsurreptitiouslyandinaclandestinemanner。Ifhedidn"tpowdermeuphewouldlosehissenseofself—respect，andprobablytheunionwouldtakehiscardawayfromhim。Ithinkthereissomethingintheconstitutionandby—lawsrequiringthatIbepowderedup。Ihavefoughtthegoodfightforyears，butI"malwayspowdered。Sometimesthecraftyfoedissembles。Hepretendsthatheisnotgoingtopowdermeup。Butallofasuddenwhenmybackisturned，asitwere，hegrabsuphispowderswabandmakesaquickswoopuponmeandthehellishdeedisdone。Ishouldbepleasedtohearfromothervictimsofthispracticesuggestinganypracticalreliefshortofhomicide。Idonotwishtokillabarber——thereareseveralotherordersinahead，referringtothepersonsIintendtokillofffirst——butImaybedriventoit。

Afterhehasgashedmecasuallyhitherandyen，andsluiceddownmyhelplesscountenancewiththecarefreeabandonofalivery—stablehandwashingoffabuggy，andafter，asabovestated，hehascoveredupthetracesofhiscrimewithpowder，thebarbernexttakesatowelandfoldsitoverhisrighthand，asprescribedintherulesandregulations，andthenhedabsmewiththattowelonvariouspartsofmyfaceninehundredandseventy—four——974——

separateanddistincttimes。IknowtheexactnumberofdabsbecauseIhavetakenthetroubletokeepcount。Imaybeinasgreatahurryasyoucanimagine;Imaybebutapoornervouswreckalready，asIam;Imaybequiveringtobeupandawayfromthere，buthedabsmewithhistowel——hedabsmeuntilreasontottersonherthrone——sometimesjustatinytot，asthesayinggoes，oritmaybethatthewholecerebralstructureisinvolved——andthenwhenheisapparentlyallthroughtheDemoniacDabbercomesbackanddabsmeonemorefiendish，deliberateandpremeditateddab，makingninehundredandseventy—fivedabsinall。Hehastodoit;it"sintheritualthatIandyouandeverybodymusthavethatlastdab。

Iwonderhowmanygibberingidiotsthereareintheasylumtodaywhosereasonwasoverthrownbybeingdabbedthatlastfarewelldab。

IknowfrommyownexperiencethatIcanfeelthelittledark—greengibberssloshingroundinsideofmeeverytimeithappens，andsomedaymymindwillgiveawayaltogetherandthere"llbeahurrycallsentinforthewagonwiththelockonthebackdoor。Yetitisofnoavailtocavilorprotest;wecannothopetoescape;wecanonlysitthereinmuteandhelplessmiseryandbefilledwithagreatenvyforMexicanhairlessdogs。

Forquiteaspellnowwehavebeenspeakingofhairontheface;

atthispointwereverttohairinitsrelationtothehead。Therearesomefewamongus，mainlyprofessionalSouthernersandleadingmen，whoretainthebulkofthehairontheirheadsthroughlife;

butwithmostofusthecircumstancesaredifferent。Yourhairgoesfromyou。Youdon"tseemtonoticeitatfirst;thenallofasuddenyouwakeuptotherealizationthatyourheadisworkingitswayupthroughthehair。Youstartinthendesperatelydoingthingsforyourhairinthehopeofinducingittostickroundtheoldplaceawhilelonger，butithasheardthecallofthewildanditisonitsway。There"snodetainingit。Yousoakyourskullinlotionsuntilyourbrainsoftensandyourhat—bandgetsmoldyfromthedamp，butyourhairkeepsrightongoing。

Afterawhileitispracticallygone。Ifonlyabouttwo—thirdsofitisgoneyourheadlookslikeagreatauk"segginasnugnest;

butifmostofitgoesthereissomethingaboutyouthatsuggeststheGlacialPeriod，withanicybarrenpeakrisinghighabovethevegetationline，whereathinlineofheroicstrandsstillclingtotheslopes。Youarebaldthen，asubjectfitforthejapesofthewickedanduniversallycoupledinthebettingwithonions，withhard—boiledeggsandwiththefrontrowoforchestrachairsatamusicalshow。

Atthistimeofwritingbaldnessiscreepinginsidiouslyupeachsideofmyhead。Itisexecutingflankmovementsfromthetemplesnorthward，andsomedaythetwocolumnswillmeetandafterthatI"llbeconsiderablymoreofahighbrowthanIamnow。AtpresentIamcraftilycombingtheremainingthatchinthemiddleandsmoothingitoutniceandflat，soastokeepthosebarespotscovered——thinlyperhaps，butneverthelesscovered。Itismyearnestdesiretocontinuetokeepthemcovered。Iamnotaprofessionalbeauty;Iamnotevenwhatyouwouldcallagoodamateurbeauty;andIwanttomakewhatlittlehairIhavegoasfarasitconvenientlycan。ButdoesthebarbertowhomIrepairatfrequentintervalscoincidewithmydesiresinthisrespect？

AgainIreplyhedoesnot。EverytimeIgoinIspeaktohimaboutit。Isaytohim:"Woodman，sparethathair，touchnotasinglestrand;inyouthitshelteredmeandI"llprotectitnow。"

Orinsubstancethat。

Hesaysyes，hewill，buthedoesn"tmeanit。Hewaitsuntilhecancatchmewithmyguarddown。Thenheseizesacomb，andusingtheedgeofhislefthandasabevelandoperatinghisrightwithasortoffree—armSpencerianmovement，heroachesmyhairupinascallopeffectoneitherside，anduponreachingthecresthefightswithitandwrestleswithituntilhemakesitstanderectinafeather—edgeddesign。Icantellbyhisexpressionthatheispleasedwiththisarrangement。Helovestosendhisvictimsforthintotheworldtuftedlikethefretfulcockatoo。Helikestoseesurgingwavesofhairdashhighonasternandrockboundhead。Hissenseoftheartisticdemandssucharesult。

WhatcareshehowIfeelaboutitsolongasthehighercravingsofhisownnaturearesatisfied？ButIresentit——Iresentitbitterly。Iobjecttohavingmyheadlooklikeareal—estatedevelopmentwithanopeningforanewstreetgoingupeachsideandanornamentaldesigninfancylandscapegardeningacrossthetop。IfIpermitthisIwon"tbeabletokeeponsayingthatI

wastwenty—sevenonmylastbirthday，withsomehopeofgettingawaywithit。SoIinsistthatheputmyfronthairrightbackwherehefoundit。Hedoesso，underprotestandbegrudgingly，itistrue，buthedoesit。Andthen，watchinghisopportunity，herunsinonmeandoverpowersmeandroachesitupsomemore。

IfIweakenandsubmitheishappyasthedayislong。Ifhegetsitroacheduponbothsidesthatwillmakemelooklikeahorizontal—barperformer，whichishisideaofmanlybeauty。OrifhegetsitroachedupononesideonlythereisstillsomeconsolationinitforhimI"mliabletobemistakenanywhereforatrained—animalperformer。Butonceinaverygreatwhilehedoesn"tgetitroacheduponeitherside，buthastostandthereandsufferasheseesmewalkforthintotheworldwithmyhaircombedtosuitmeandnothim。Icantellbyhislookthatheisgrievedanddowncast，andthathewillprobablygohomeandbecrosstothechildren。Hehasbutonesolace——hehopestohavebetterluckwithmenexttime。Andprobablyhewill。

Thelastageofhairisawig。Butwigsarenotsoverysatisfactoryeither。I"veseenalltheknownvarietiesofwigs，andIneversawoneyetthatlookedasthoughitwereevenonspeakingtermswiththeheadthatwasunderit。Awigalwayslooksasthoughitwereatotalstrangertotheheadandhadjustlitthereaminutetorest，preparatorytoflyingalongtothenexthead。Nevertheless，IthinkonthewholeI"llbehappierwhenmytimecomestowearone，becausethennobarbercanroachmeup。

HandsandFeetNearlyeveryboyhasaperiodinhislifewhenheisfilledwithanenviousadmirationfortheEastIndiagodwiththeextrasetofarms——Vishnu，Ithinkthisparty"snameis。Toasmallboyitseemsagrandthingtohaveareallyadequateassortmentofhands。

Heconsiderstheadvantageofsuchanarrangementinschool——twohandsinplainviewabovethedeskholdingMcGuffy"sFourthReaderattheproperangleforstudyandtheothertwooutofsight，downunderneaththedeskengagedinmanufacturingpaperwadsorplayingcrack—a—looorsomeotherreallyworthwhileemployment。

Orforrobbingbirds"nests。Therewouldbetwohandsforuseinskinningupthetree，andonehandforscaringoffthemotherbirdandonehandforstealingtheeggs。Andforhangingonbehindwagonsthecombinationpositivelycouldnotbebeaten。Thentherewouldbethegaudyconspicuousnessofgoingaroundwithfourarmsweavinginandoutinakindofspideryeffectwhilelessfavoredboyswereforcedtocontentthemselveswithjustanordinaryandinsufficientpair。Really，therewasonlyonedrawbacktothecontemplationofthisscheme——there"dbetwiceasmanyhandstowashwhencompanywascomingtodinner。

Generallyspeakingaboy"shandsgivehimnoseriousconcernduringthefirstfewyearsofhislifeexceptatsuchtimesashismothergrowsofficiousandfussyandinsiststhattheyoughttobewashedupasfarastheregularplaceforwashingaboy"shands，towit，aboutmidwaybetweentheknucklesandthewrist。Thefactthatonefingerisusuallyinastateofmashednessisnodrawback，butabenefit。Thepresenceofasoiledragaroundafingergivestoaboy"shandatouchofdistinctiveness——singlesitoutfromordinaryunmaimedhands。Itspresencehasbeenknowntoexcuseitshappypossessorfromsuchchoresasbringinginwoodforthekitchenstoveorpullingdockweedsoutofthegrassinafrontyardwhereitwouldbemucheasierandquickertopullthegrassoutofthedockweeds。Itmayevenbemadeasourceofprofitbyremovingthewrappingsandchargingtwochinamarblesalook。Iseemtorecallthatinthecaseofaspeciallyattractiveinjury，suchasathumbnailknockedofforadeepcutwhichhasrefusedtohealbyfirstintentionoranimbeddedsplinterinprocessofbeingdrawnoutbyascrapoffatmeat，thatasmuchasfourchinamarblescouldbecharged。

OntheFourthofJulyyouoccasionallyburnedyourhandsandincoldwinterstheychappedextensivelyacrosstheknucklesbutthesewerebutthemarksandscarsofhonorableendeavorandahardyendurance。Inoursettheboywhoseknuckleshadthedeepestcracksinthemwasaprominentandadmiredfigure，crowned，asyoumightsay，withanimaginarychapletbyreasonofhischaps。

Withgirls，ofcourse，itwasdifferent。

Girlsweresuperfluousandunnecessarycreatureswithafalseandinflatedideaofthevalueofsoapandwater。Theirhandsweren"tgoodformuchanyway。Lateronwediscoveredthatagirl"shandswereexcellentforholdingpurposesinahammockorwhilecomingbackfromastrawride，butIamspeakingnowoftheearlierstagesofourdevelopment，beforethepresenceoftheostensiblyweakersexbegantoawakenresponsivethrobsinourseveralbosoms——inshortwhengirlsweremerelynuisancesandthingstobeignoredwheneverpossible。Inthatearlystageofhisexistencehandshavenoaltruisticorsentimentalorornamentalvalueforaboy——

theyareforusefulpurposesaltogetherandareregardedassuch。

Itisonlywhenhehasreachedtheageoftailcoatsandspike—fencecollarsthathediscoverstwohandsarefrequentlytoomanyandoftennotenough。Theyaretoomanyatyourfirstchurchweddingwhenwearingyourfirstpairofwhitekidsandtheyarenotenoughatafiveo"clocktea。Thereisatypeofmalewhocangotoafiveo"clockteaandnotfalloveralotofLouieKahn"sfurnitureorgethimselfhopelesslytangledupinahangingdraperyandwhocanseemperfectlyateasewhileholdinginhishandsawalkingstick，apairofdovecoloredgloves，atwo—quarthat，acupofteawithasliceoflemonpeelinit，ateaspoon，alumpofsugar，aseedcookie，anolive，andthehandofaladywithwhomheisdiscussingthetruemeaningofthemessageofthelateIbsenbutthesegiftedmortalsarenotcommon。Theyarerareandexotic。

Therearealsosomefewwhocandoushingatachurchweddingwithapairofwhitekidsonandnotappearoverlyself—conscious。

Thesearealsotheexceptions。Thegreatmajorityofussuffervisiblyundersuchcircumstances。Youhavethefeelingthateachhandweighsfullytwenty—fourpoundsandthatitishangingoutofthesleeveforadistanceofaboutoneandthree—quartersyardsandyoudon"tknowwhattodowithyourhandsandonthewholewouldfeelmuchmorecomfortableanddecorativeiftheywerebothsawedoffatthewristsandhiddensomeplacewhereyoucouldn"tfind"em。Youhavethatfeelingandyoulookit。Youlookasthoughyouwereworkinginaplasterofparisfactoryandwerecarryinghomeacoupleoflargesacksofsamples。ItwouldbegrandtobeaVishnuatafiveo"clocktea，butawfultobeoneatachurchwedding。