第5章

indeed！

MRS。G。Imust。Listen，myhusband。Never，never，nevertellyourwifeanythingthatyoudonotwishhertorememberandthinkoverallherlife。Becauseawoman-yes，Iamawoman-can"tforget。

CAPT。G。ByJove，howdoyouknowthat？

MRS。G。（Confusedly。）Idon"t。I"monlyguessing。Iam-Iwas-asillylittlegirl；butIfeelthatIknowsomuch，oh，soverymuchmorethanyou，dearest。Tobeginwith，I"myourwife。

CAPT。G。SoIhavebeenledtobelieve。

MRS。G。AndIshallwanttoknoweveryoneofyoursecrets-toshareeverythingyouknowwithyou。（Staresrounddesperately。）

CAPT。G。Soyoushall，dear，soyoushall-butdon"tlooklikethat。

MRS。G。Foryourownsakedon"tstopme，Phil。Ishallnevertalktoyouinthiswayagain。Youmustnottellme！Atleast，notnow。

Lateron，whenI"manoldmatronitwon"tmatter，butifyouloveme，beverygoodtomenow；forthispartofmylifeIshallneverforget！HaveImadeyouunderstand？

CAPT。G。Ithinkso，child。HaveIsaidanythingyetthatyoudisapproveof？

MRS。G。Willyoubeveryangry？That-thatvoice，andwhatyousaidabouttheengagement-

CAPT。G。Butyouaskedtobetoldthat，darling。

MRS。G。Andthat"swhyyoushouldn"thavetoldme！YoumustbetheJudge，and，oh，Pip，dearlyasIloveyou，Ishan"tbeabletohelpyou！Ishallhinderyou，andyoumustjudgeinspiteofme！

CAPT。G。（Meditatively。）Wehaveagreatmanythingstofindouttogether，Godhelpusboth-sayso，Pussy-butweshallunderstandeachotherbettereveryday；andIthinkI"mbeginningtoseenow。

Howintheworlddidyoucometoknowjusttheimportanceofgivingmejustthatlead？

MRS。G。I"vetoldyouthatIdon"tknow。Onlysomehowitseemedthat，inallthisnewlife，Iwasbeingguidedforyoursakeaswellasmyown。

CAPT。G。（Aside。）ThenMafilinwasright！Theyknow，andwe-we"reblindallofus。（Lightly。）"Gettingalittlebeyondourdepth，dear，aren"twe？I"llremember，and，ifIfail，letmebepunishedasIdeserve。

MRS。G。Thereshallbenopunishment。We"llstartintolifetogetherfromhere-youandI-andnooneelse。

CAPT。G。Andnooneelse。（Apause。）Youreyelashesareallwet，Sweet？WasthereeversuchaquaintlittleAbsurdity？

Mas。G。Wasthereeversuchnonsensetalkedbefore？

CAPT。G。（Knockingtheashesoutofhispipe。）"Tisn"twhatwesay，it"swhatwedon"tsay，thathelps。Andit"salltheprofoundestphilosophy。Butnoonewouldunderstand-evenifitwereputintoabook。

MRS。G。Theidea！No-onlyweourselves，orpeoplelikeourselves-ifthereareanypeoplelikeus。

CAPT。G。（Magisterially。）Allpeople，notlikeourselves，areblindidiots。

MRS。G。（Wipinghereyes。）Doyouthink，then，thatthereareanypeopleashappyasweare？

CAPT。G。"Mustbe-unlesswe"veappropriatedallthehappinessintheworld。

MRS。G"。（LookingtowardSimla。）Poordears！Justfancyifwehave！

CAPT。G。Thenwe"llhangontothewholeshow，forit"sagreatdealtoojollytolose-eh，wifeo"mine？

MRS。G。OPip！Pip！Howmuchofyouisasolemn，marriedmanandhowmuchahorridslangyschoolboy？

CAPT。G。WhenyoutellmehowmuchofyouwaseighteenlastbirthdayandhowmuchisasoldastheSphinxandtwiceasmysterious，perhapsI"llattendtoyou。Lendmethatbanjo。Thespiritmovethmetojowlatthesunset。

MRS。G。Mind！It"snottuned。Ah！Howthatjars！

CAPTG。（Turningpegs。）It"samazinglydifferenttokeepabanjotoproperpitch。

MRS。G。It"sthesamewithallmusicalinstruments，Whatshallitbe？

CAPT。G。"Vanity，"andletthehillshear。（Singsthroughthefirstandhal"ofthesecondverse。TurningtoMRS。G。）Now，chorus！

Sing，Pussy！

BOTHTOGETHRR。（Conbrio，tothehorrorofthemonkeyswhoaresettlingforthenight。）-

"Vanity，allisVanity，"saidWisdom。scorningme-IclaspedmytrueLove"stenderhandandansweredfrankandfree-ee"IfthisbeVanitywho"dbewise？IfthisbeVanitywho"dbewise？IfthisbeVanitywho"dbewi-ise（Crescendo。）Vanityletitbe！"

MRS。G。（Defiantlytothegreyoftheeveningsky。）"Vanityletitbe！"

ECHO。（PromtheFagoospur。）Letitbe！

FATIMA

Andyoumaygoineveryroomofthehouseandseeeverythingthatisthere，butintotheBlueRoomyoumustnotgo-TheStoryofBlueBeard。

SCENE-TheGADSBYS"bungalowinthePlains。Time，11A。M。

onaSundaymorning。CaptainGADSBY，inhisshirt-sleeves，isbendingoveracompletesetofHussar"sequipment，fromsaddletopicketing-rope，whichisneatlyspreadoverthefloorofhisstudy。

Heissmokinganuncleanbriar，andhisforeheadispuckeredwiththought。

CAPT。G。（Tohimself，fingeringaheadstall。）Jack"sanass。

There"senoughbrassonthistoloadamule-and，iftheAmericansknowanythingaboutanything，itcanbecutdowntoabitonly。

"Don"twantthewatering-bridle，either。Humbug！-Halfadozensetsofchainsandpulleysforonehorse！Rot！（Scratchinghishead。）

Now，let"sconsideritalloverfromthehe-ginning。ByJove，I"veforgottenthescaleofweights！Ne"ermind。"Keepthebitonly，andeliminateeverybossfromthecruppertobreastplate。Nobreastplateatall。Simpleleatherstrapacrossthebreast-liketheRussians。Hi！Jackneverthoughtofthat！

MRS。G。（Enteringhastily，herhandboundinacloth。）Oh，Pip，I"vescaldedmyhandoverthathorrid，horridTipareejam！

CAPT。G。（Absently。）Eb！Wha-at？

MRS。G。（Withround-eyedreproach。）I"vescaldeditaw-fully！

Aren"tyousorry？AndIdidsowantthatjamtojamproperly。

CAPT。G。Poorlittlewoman！Letmekisstheplaceandmakeitwell。（Unrollingbandage。）Yousmallsinner！Where"sthatscald？

Ican"tseeit。

MRS。G。Onthetopofthelittlefinger。There！-It"samost"normousbigburn！

CAPT。G。（Kissinglittlefinger。）Baby！LetHyderlookafterthejam。YouknowIdon"tcareforsweets。

Mas。G。In-deed？-Pip！

CAPT。G。Notofthatkind，anyhow。Andnowrunalong，Minnie，andleavemetomyownbasedevices。I"mbusy。

MRS。G。（Calmlysettlingherselfinlongchair。）SoIsee。Whatamessyou"remaking！Whyhaveyoubroughtallthatsmellyleatherstuffintothehouse？

CAPT。G。Toplaywith。Doyoumind，dear？

MRS。G。Letmeplaytoo。I"dlikeit。

CAPT。G。I"mafraidyouwouldn"t。Pussy-Don"tyouthinkthatjamwillburn，orwhateveritisthatjamdoeswhenit"snotlookedafterbyacleverlittlehousekeeper？

MRS。G。IthoughtyousaidHydercouldattendtoit。Ilefthimintheveranda，stirring-whenIhurtmyselfso。

CAPT。G。（Hiseyereturningtotheequipment。）Po-oorlittlewoman！-Threepoundsfourandsevenisthreeeleven，andthatcanbecutdowntotwoeight，withjustalee-tiecare，with-outweakeninganything。Farrieryisallrotinincompetenthands。

What"stheuseofashoe-casewhenaman"sscouting？Hecan"tstickitonwithalick-likeastamp-theshoe！SkittlesMRS。G。What"sskittles？Pah！Whatisthisleathercleanedwith？

CAPT。G。Creamandchampagneand-Lookhere，dear，doyoureallywanttotalktomeaboutanythingimportant？

MRS。G。No。I"vedonemyaccounts，andIthoughtI"dliketoseewhatyou"redoing。

CAPT。G。Well，love，nowyou"veseenand-Wouldyoumind？-

Thatistosay-Minnie，Ireallyambusy。

MRS。G。Youwantmetogo？

CAPT。G，Yes，dear，foralittlewhile。Thistobaccowillhanginyourdress，andsaddlerydoesn"tinterestyou。

MRS。G。Everythingyoudointerestsme，Pip。

CAPT。G。Yes，Iknow，Iknow，dear。I"lltellyouallaboutitsomedaywhenI"veputaheadonthisthing。Inthemeantime-

MRS。G。I"mtobeturnedoutoftheroomlikeatroublesomechild？

CAPT。G。No-o。Idon"tmeanthatexactly。But，yousee，Ishallbetrampingupanddown，shiftingthesethingstoandfro，andIshallbeinyourway。Don"tyouthinkso？

MRS。G。Can"tIliftthemabout？Letmetry。（Reachesforwardtotrooper"ssaddle。）

CAPT。G。Goodgracious，child，don"ttouchit。You"llhurtyourself。

（Pickingupsaddle。）Littlegirlsaren"texpectedtohandlenumdahs。Now，wherewouldyoulikeitput？（Holdssaddleabovehishead。）

MRS。G。（Abreakinhervoice。）Nowhere。Pip，howgoodyouare-andhowstrong！Oh，what"sthatuglyredstreakinsideyourarm？

CAPT。G。（Loweringsaddlequickly。）Nothing。It"samarkofsorts。

（Aside。）AndJack"scomingtotiffinwithhisnotionsallcutanddried！

MRS。G。Iknowit"samark，butI"veneverseenitbefore。Itrunsallupthearm。Whatisit？

CAPT。G。Acut-ifyouwanttoknow。

MRS。G。Wanttoknow！OfcourseIdo！Ican"thavemyhusbandcuttopiecesinthisway。Howdiditcome？Wasitanaccident？

Tellme，Pip。

CAPT。G。（Grimly。）No。"Twasn"tanaccident。Igotit-fromaman-inAfghanistan。

MRS。G。Inaction？Oh，Pip，andyounevertoldme！

CAPT。G。I"dforgottenallaboutit。

MRS。G。Holdupyourarm！Whatahorrid，uglyscar！Areyousureitdoesn"thurtnow！Howdidthemangiveityou？

CAPT。G。（Desperatelylookingathiswatch。）Withaknife。Icamedown-oldVanLoodid，that"stosay-andfellonmyleg，soI

couldn"trun。AndthenthismancameupandbeganchoppingatmeasIsprawled。

MRS。G。Oh，don"t，don"t！That"senough！-Well，whathappened？

CAPT。G。Icouldn"tgettomyholster，andMafflincameroundthecornerandstoppedtheperformance。

MRS。G。How？He"ssuchalazyman，Idon"tbelievehedid。

CAPT。G。Don"tyou？Idon"tthinkthemanhadmuchdoubtaboutit。Jackcuthisheadoff。

Mas。G。Cut-his-head-off！"Withoneblow，"astheysayinthebooks？

CAPT。G。I"mnotsure。Iwastoointerestedinmyselftoknowmuchaboutit。Anyhow，theheadwasoff，andJackwaspunchingoldVanLoointheribstomakehimgetup。Nowyouknowallaboutit，dear，andnow-

MRS。G。Youwantmetogo，ofcourse。Younevertoldmeaboutthis，thoughI"vebeenmarriedtoyouforeversolong；andyouneverwouldhavetoldmeifIhadn"tfoundout；andyouneverdotellmeanythingaboutyourself，orwhatyoudo，orwhatyoutakeaninterestin。

CAPT。G。Darling，I"malwayswithyou，aren"tI？

MRS。G。Alwaysinmypocket，youweregoingtosay。Iknowyouare；butyouarealwaysthinkingawayfromme。

CAPT。G。（Tryingtohideasmile。）AmI？Iwasn"tawareofit。

I"mawf"lysorry。

MRS。G。（Piteously。）Oh，don"tmakefunofme！Pip，youknowwhatImean。WhenyouarereadingoneofthosethingsaboutCavalry，bythatidioticPrince-whydoesn"thebeaPrinceinsteadofastable-boy？

CAPT。G。PrinceKraftastable-boy-Oh，myAunt！Nevermind，dear。Youweregoingtosay？

MRS。G。Itdoesn"tmatter；youdon"tcareforwhatIsay。Only-onlyyougetupandwalkabouttheroom，staringinfrontofyou，andthenMafflincomesintodinner，andafterI"minthedrawmg-roomIcanhearyouandhimtalking，andtalking，andtalking，aboutthingsIcan"tunderstand，and-oh，Igetsotiredandfeelsolonely！-I

don"twanttocomplainandbeatrouble，Pip；butIdoindeedIdo！

CAPT。G。Mypoordarling！Ineverthoughtofthat。Whydon"tyouasksomenicepeopleintodinner？

MRS。G。Nicepeople！WhereamItofindthem？Horridfrumps！

AndifIdid，Ishouldn"tbeamused。YouknowIonlywantyou。

CAPT，G。Andyouhavemesurely，Sweetheart？

MRS。G。Ihavenot！Pipwhydon"tyoutakemeintoyourlife？

CAPT。G。MorethanIdo？Thatwouldbedifficult，dear。

MRS。G。Yes，Isupposeitwould-toyou。I"mnohelptoyou-nocompaniontoyou；andyouliketohaveitso。

CAPT。G。Aren"tyoualittleunreasonable，Pussy？

MRS。G。（Stampingherfoot。）I"mthemostreasonablewomanintheworld-whenI"mtreatedproperly。

CAPT。G。AndsincewhenhaveIbeentreatingyouimproperly？

MRS。G。Always-andsincethebeginning。Youknowyouhave。

CAPT。G。Idon"t；butI"mwillingtobeconvinced。

MRS。G。（Pointingtosaddlery。）There！

CAPT。G。Howdoyoumean？

MRS。G。Whatdoesallthatmean？WhyamInottobetold？Isitsoprecious？

CAPT。G。IforgetitsexactGovernmentvaluejustatpresent。Itmeansthatitisagreatdealtooheavy。

MRS。G。Thenwhydoyoutouchit？

CAPT。G。Tomakeitlighter。Seehere，littlelove，I"veonenotionandJackhasanother，butwearebothagreedthatallthisequipmentisaboutthirtypoundstooheavy。Thethingishowtocutitdownwithoutweakeninganypartofit，and，atthesametime，allowingthetroopertocarryeverythinghewantsforhisowncomfort-socksandshirtsandthingsofthatkind。

MRS。G。Whydoesn"thepacktheminalittletrunk？

CAPT。G。（Kissingher。）Oh，youdarling！Packtheminalittletrunk，indeed！Hussarsdon"tcarrytrunks，andit"samostimportantthingtomakethehorsedoallthecarrying。

MRS。G。Butwhyneedyoubotheraboutit？You"renotatrooper。

CAPT。G。No；butIcommandafewscoreofhim；andequipmentisnearlyeverythinginthesedays。

MRS。G。Morethanme？

CAPT。G。Stupid！Ofcoursenot；butit"samatterthatI"mtremendouslyinterestedin，becauseifIorJack，orIandJack，workoutsomesortoflightersaddleryandallthat。it"spossiblethatwemaygetitadopted。

MRS。G。How？

CAPT。G。SanctionedatHome，wheretheywillmakeasealedpattern-apatternthatallthesaddlersmustcopy-andsoitwillbeusedbyalltheregiments。

MRS。G。Andthatinterestsyou？

CAPT。G。It"spartofmyprofession，y"know，andmyprofessionisagooddealtome。Everythinginasoldier"sequipmentisimportant，andifwecanimprovethatequipment，somuchthebetterforthesoldiersandforus。

Mas。G。Who"s"us"？

CAPT。G。JackandI；onlyJack"snotionsaretooradical。What"sthatbigsighfor，Minnie？

MRS。G。Oh，nothing-andyou"vekeptallthisasecretfromme！

Why？

CAPT。G。Notasecret，exactly，dear。Ididn"tsayanythingaboutittoyoubecauseIdidn"tthinkitwouldamuseyou。

MRS。G。AndamIonlymadetobeamused？

CAPT。G。No，ofcourse。Imerelymeanthatitcouldn"tinterestyou。

MRS。G。It"syourworkand-andifyou"dletme，I"dcountallthesethingsup。Iftheyaretooheavy，youknowbyhowmuchtheyaretooheavy，andyoumusthavealistofthingsmadeouttoyourscaleoflightness，and-

CAPT。G。Ihavegotbothscalessomewhereinmyhead；hutit"shardtotellhowlightyoucanmakeahead-stall，forinstance，untilyou"veactuallyhadamodelmade。

MRS。G。Butifyoureadoutthelist，Icouldcopyitdown，andpinituptherejustaboveyourtable。Wouldn"tthatdo？

CAPT。G。Itwouldbeawf"lynice，dear，butitwouldbegivingyoutroublefornothing。Ican"tworkthatway。Igobyruleofthumb。I

knowthepresentscaleofweights，andtheotherone-theonethatI"mtryingtoworkto-willshiftandvarysomuchthatIcouldn"tbecertain，evenifIwroteitdown。

MRS。G。I"msosorry。IthoughtImighthelp。IsthereanythingelsethatIcouldbeofusein？

CAPT。G。（Lookingroundtheroom。）Ican"tthinkofanything。

You"realwayshelpingmeyouknow。

MRS。G。AmI？How？

CAPT。G。Youareofcourse，andaslongasyou"renearme-Ican"texplainexactly，butit"sintheair。

MRS。G。Andthat"swhyyouwantedtosendmeaway？

CAPT。G。That"sonlywhenI"mtryingtodowork-grubbyworklikethis。

MRS。G。Mafflin"sbetter，then，isn"the？

CAPT。G。（Rashly。）Ofcourseheis。JackandIhavebeenthinkingalongthesamegroovefortwoorthreeyearsaboutthisequipment。It"sourhobby，anditmayreallybeusefulsomeday。

MRS。G。（Afterapause。）Andthat"sallthatyouhaveawayfromme？

CAPT。G。Itisn"tveryfarawayfromyounow。Takecaretheoilonthatbitdoesn"tcomeoffonyourdress。

MRS。G。Iwish-IwishsomuchthatIcouldreallyhelpyou。I

believeIcould-ifIlefttheroom。Butthat"snotwhatImean。

CAPT。G。（Aside。）Givemepatience！Iwishshewouldgo。

（Aloud。）Ias-sureyouyoucan"tdoanythingforme，Minnie，andI

mustreallysettledowntothis。Where"smypouch？

MRS。G。（Crossingtowriting-table。）Hereyouare，Bear。Whatamessyoukeepyourtablein！

CAPT。G。Don"ttouchit。There"samethodinmymadness，thoughyoumightn"tthinkofit。

MRS。G。（Attable。）Iwanttolook-Doyoukeepaccounts，Pip？

CAPT。G。（Bendingoversaddlery。）Ofasort。AreyourummagingamongtheTrooppapers？Becareful。

MRs。G。Why？Isha"n"tdisturbanything。Goodgracious！Ihadnoideathatyouhadanythingtodowithsomanysickhorses。

CAPT。G。"WishIhadn"t，buttheyinsistonfallingsick。Minnie，if1wereyouIreallyshouldnotinvestigatethosepapers。Youmaycomeacrosssomethingthatyouwon"tlike。

MRS。G。Whywillyoualwaystreatmelikeachild？IknowI"mnotdisplacingthehorridthings。

CAPT。G。（Resignedly。）Verywell，then。Don"tblamemeifanythinghappens。Playwiththetableandletmegoonwiththesaddlery。（Slippinghandintotrousers-pocket。）Oh，thedeuce！

MRS。G。（HerbacktoG。）What"sthatfor？

CAPT。G。Nothing。（Aside。）There"snotmuchinit，butIwishI"dtornitup。

MRS。G。（Turningovercontentsoftable。）Iknowyou"llhatemeforthis；butIdowanttoseewhatyourworkislike。（Apause。）

Pip，whatare"farcybuds"？

CAPT。G。Hab！Wouldyoureallyliketoknow？Theyaren"tprettythings。

MRS。G。ThisJournalofVeterinarySciencesaystheyareof"absorbinginterest。"Tellme。

CAPT。G。（Aside。）Itmayturnherattention。

Givesalonganddesignedlyloathsomeaccountofglandersandfarcy。

MRS。G。Oh，that"senough。Don"tgoon！

CAPT。G。Butyouwantedtoknow-Thenthesethingssuppurateandmatterateandspread-

MRS。G。Pin，you"remakingmesick！You"reahorrid，disgustingschoolboy。

CAPT。G。（Onhiskneesamongthebridles。）Youaskedtobetold。It"snotmyfaultifyouworrymeintotalkingabouthorrors。

Mas。G。Whydidn"tyousay-No？

CAPT。G。GoodHeavens，child！Haveyoucomeinheresimplytobullyme？

Mas。G。Ibullyyou？HowcouldI！You"resostrong。（Hysterically。）

Strongenoughtopickmeupandputmeoutsidethedoorandleavemetheretocry。Aren"tyou？

CAPT。G。Itseemstomethatyou"reanirrationallittlebaby。Areyouquitewell？

MRS。G。DoIlookill？（Returningtotable）。Whoisyourladyfriendwiththebiggreyenvelopeandthefatmonogramoutside？

CAPT。G。（Aside。）Thenitwasn"tlockedup，confoundit。

（Aloud。）"Godmadeher，thereforeletherpassforawoman。"Yourememberwhatfarcybudsarelike？

Mas。G。（Showingenvelope。）Thishasnothingtodowiththem。

I"mgoingtoopenit。MayI？

CAPT。G。Certainly，ifyouwantto。I"dsooneryoudidn"tthough。I

don"tasktolookatyourletterstotheDeer-courtgirl。

Mas。G。You"dbetternot，Sir！（Takesletterfromenvelope。）Now，mayIlook？Ifyousayno，Ishallcry。

CAPT。G。You"venevercriedinmyknowledgeofyou，andIdon"tbelieveyoucould。

Mas。G。Ifeelverylikeitto-day，Pip。Don"tbehardonme。（Readsletter。）Itbeginsinthemiddle，with-outany"DearCaptainGadsby，"oranything。Howfunny！

CAPT。G。（Aside。）No，it"snotDearCaptainGadsby，oranything，now。Howfunny！

Mas。G。Whatastrangeletter！（Reads。）"Andsothemothhascometoonearthecandleatlast，andhasbeensingedinto-shallI

sayRespectability？Icongratulatehim，andhopehewillbeashappyashedeservestobe。"Whatdoesthatmean？Isshecongratulatingyouaboutourmarriage？

CAPT。G。Yes，Isupposeso。

Mas。G。（Stillr"adingletter。）Sheseemstobeaparticularfriendofyours。

CAPT。G。Yes。Shewasanexcellentmatronofsorts-aMrs。

Herriott-wifeofaColonelHerriott。IusedtoknowsomeofherpeopleatHomelongago-beforeIcameout。

Mas。G。SomeColonel"swivesareyoung-asyoungasme。Iknewonewhowasyounger。

CAPT。G。Thenitcouldn"thavebeenMrs。Herriott。Shewasoldenoughtohavebeenycurmother，dear。

Mas。G。Iremembernow。Mrs。ScargillwastalkingaboutherattheDutfins"tennis，beforeyoucameforme，onTuesday。CaptainMafflinsaidshewasa"dearoldwoman。"Doyouknow，IthinkMafilinisaveryclumsymanwithhisfeet。