第1章

PrefacePoorDearMammaTheWorldWithoutTheTentsofKedarWithAnyAmazementTheGardenofEdenFatimaTheValleyoftheShadowTheSwellingofJordanPrefaceToTHEADDRESSOF

CAPTAINJ。MAFFLIN，DukeofDerry"s（Pink）Hussars。

DEARMAFFLIN，-YouwillrememberthatIwrotethisstoryasanAwfulWarning。NonethelessyouhaveseenfittodisregarditandhavefollowedGadsby"sexample——asIbettedyouwould。I

acknowledgethatyoupaidthemoneyatonce，butyouhaveprejudicedthemindofMrs。Mafflinagainstmyself，forthoughI

amalmosttheonlyrespectablefriendofyourbachelordays，shehasbeendarwazabandtomethroughouttheseason。Further，shecausedyoutoinvitemetodinnerattheClub，whereyoucalledme"awildassofthedesert，"andwenthomeathalf-pastten，afterdiscoursingfortwentyminutesontheresponsibilitiesofhousekeeping。Younowdriveamail-phaetonandsitunderaChurchofEnglandclergyman。Iamnotangry，Jack。Itisyourkismet，asitwasGaddy"s，andhiskismetwhocanavoid？DonotthinkthatIammovedbyaspiritofrevengeasIwrite，thuspublicly，thatyouandyoualoneareresponsibleforthisbook。Inotherandmoreexpansivedays，whenyoucouldlookatamagnumwithoutflushingandatacherootwithoutturningwhite，yousuppliedmewithmostofthematerial。Takeitbackagain-wouldthatIcouldhavepreservedyourfatherlessspeechinthetelling-takeitback，andbyyourslipperedhearthreadittothelateMissDeercourt。Shewillnotbeanythemorewillingtoreceivemycards，butshewilladmireyouimmensely，andyou，Ifeelsure，willloveme。Youmayeveninvitemetoanotherverybaddinner-attheClub，which，asyouandyourwifeknow，isasafeneutralgroundfortheentertainmentofwildasses。Then，myverydearhypocrite，weshallbequits。

Yoursalways，RUDYARDKIPLING。

P。S-OnsecondthoughtsIshouldrecommendyoutokeepthebookawayfromMrs。Mafflin。

POORDEARMAMMA

Thewildhawktothewind-sweptsky，Thedeertothewholesomewold，Andtheheartofamantotheheartofamaid，Asitwasinthedaysofold。GypsySong。

SCENE-InteriorofMissMINNIETHREEGAN"SBedroomatSimla。MissTHREEGAN，inwindow-seat，turningoveradrawerfulofthings。MissEMMADEERCOURT，bosom-friend，whohascometospendtheday，sittingonthebed，manipulatingthebodiceofaballroomfrock，andabunchofartificialliliesofthevalley。Time，5:30P。M。onahotMayafternoon。

MissDEERCOURT。Andhesaid:"Ishallneverforgetthisdance，"and，ofcourse，Isaid:"Oh，howcanyoubesosilly！"Doyouthinkhemeantany-thing，dear？

MissTHREEGAN。（Extractinglonglavendersilkstockingfromtherubbish。）YouknowhimbetterthanIdo。

MissD。Oh，dobesympathetic，Minnie！I"msurehedoes。AtleastIwouldbesureifhewasn"talwaysridingwiththatodiousMrs。

Hagan。

MissT。Isupposeso。Howdoesonemanagetodancethroughone"sheelsfirst？Lookatthis-isn"titshameful？（Spreadsstocking-heelonopenhandforinspection。）

MissD。Nevermindthat！Youcan"tmendit。Helpmewiththishatefulbodice。I"verunthestringso，andI"verunthestringso，andIcan"tmakethefulnesscomeright。Wherewouldyouputthis？

（Wavesliliesofthevalley。）

MissT。Ashighupontheshoulderaspossible。

MissD。AmIquitetallenough？IknowitmakesMayOlderlooklopsided。

MissT。Yes，butMayhasn"tyourshoulders。Hersarelikeahock-bottle。

BEARER。（Rappingatdoor。）CaptainSahibaya。

MissD。（Jumpingupwildly，andhuntingforbodice，whichshehasdiscardedowingtotheheatoftheday。）CaptainSahib！WhatCaptainSahib？Oh，goodgracious，andI"monlyhalfdressed！

Well，Isha"n"tbother。

MissT。（Calmly。）Youneedn"t。Itisn"tforus。That"sCaptainGadsby。HeisgoingforaridewithMamma。Hegenerallycomesfivedaysoutoftheseven。

AGONIZEDVOICE。（Promaninnerapartment。）Minnie，runoutandgiveCaptainGadsbysometea，andtellhimIshallbereadyintenminutes；and，OMinnie，cometomeaninstant，there"sadeargirl！

MissT。Oh，bother！（Aloud。）Verywell，Mamma。

Exit，andreappears，afterfiveminutes，flushed，andrubbingherfingers。

MissD。Youlookpink。Whathashappened？

MissT。（Inastagewhisper。）Atwenty-four-inchwaist，andshewon"tletitout。Wherearemybangles？（Rummageronthetoilet-table，anddabsatherhairwithabrushintheinterval。）

MissD。WhoisthisCaptainGadsby？Idon"tthinkI"vemethim。

MissT。Youmusthave。HebelongstotheHarrarset。I"vedancedwithhim，butI"venevertalkedtohim。He"sabigyellowman，justlikeanewly-hatchedchicken，withanenormousmoustache。Hewalkslikethis（imitatesCavalryswagger），andhegoes"Ha-Hmmm！"deepdowninhisthroatwhenhecan"tthinkofanythingtosay。Mammalikeshim。Idon"t。

MissD。（Abstractedly。）Doeshewaxthatmoustache？

MissT。（BusywithPowder-puff。）Yes，Ithinkso。Why？

MissD。（Bendingoverthebodiceandsewingfuriously。）Oh，nothing-only-MissT。（Sternly。）Onlywhat？Outwithit，Emma。

MissD。Well，MayOlger-she"sengagedtoMr。Charteris，youknow-said-Promiseyouwon"trepeatthis？

MissT。Yes，Ipromise。Whatdidshesay？

MissD。That-thatbeingkissed（witharush）withamanwhodidn"twaxhismoustachewas-likeeatinganeggwithoutsalt。

MissT。（Atherfullheight，withcrushingscorn。）MayOlgerisahorrid，nastyThing，andyoucantellherIsaidso。I"mgladshedoesn"tbelongtomyset-Imustgoandfeedthisman！DoIlookpresentable？

MissD。Yes，perfectly。BequickandhandhimovertoyourMother，andthenwecantalk。Ishalllistenatthedoortohearwhatyousaytohim。

MissT。"SureIdon"tcare。I"mnotafraidofCaptainGadsby。

Inproofofthisswingsintothedrawing-roomwithamannishstridefollowedbytwoshortsteps，whichProducestheeffectofarestivehorseentering。MissesCAPTAINGADSBY，whoissittingintheshadowofthewindow-curtain，andgazesroundhelplessly。

CAPTAINGADSBY。（Aside。）Thefilly，byJove！"Mustha"

pickedupthatactionfromthesire。（Aloud，rising。）Goodevening，MissThreegan。

MissT。（Consciousthatsheisflushing。）Goodevening，CaptainGadsby。Mammatoldmetosaythatshewillbereadyinafewminutes。Won"tyouhavesometea？（Aside。）IhopeMammawillbequick。WhatamItosaytothecreature？（Aloudandabruptly。）

Milkandsugar？

CAPT。G。Nosugar，tha-anks，andverylittlemilk。Ha-Hmmm。

MissT。（Aside。）Ifhe"sgoingtodothat，I"mlost。Ishalllaugh。I

knowIshall！

CAPT。G。（Pullingathismoustacheandwatchingitsidewaysdownhisnose。）Ha-Hamm。（Aside。）"Wonderwhatthelittlebeastcantalkabout。"Mustmakeashotatit。

MissT。（Aside。）Oh，thisisagonizing。Imustsaysomething。

BothTogether。HaveyouBeen-CAPT。G。Ibegyourpardon。Youweregoingtosay-MissT。（Whohasbeenwatchingthemoustachewithawedfascination。）Won"tyouhavesomeeggs？

CAPT。G。（Lookingbewilderedlyatthetea-table。）Eggs！（Aside。）

OHades！Shemusthaveanursery-teaatthishour。S"posethey"vewipedhermouthandsenthertomewhiletheMotherisgettingonherduds。（Aloud。）No，thanks。

MissT。（Crimsonwithconfusion。）Oh！Ididn"tmeanthat。I

wasn"tthinkingofmou-eggsforaninstant。Imeansalt。Won"tyouhavesomesa-sweets？（Aside。）He"llthinkmearavinglunatic。I

wishMammawouldcome。

CAPT。G。（Aside。）Itwasanursery-teaandshe"sashamedofit。ByJove！Shedoesn"tlookhalfbadwhenshecolorsuplikethat。

（Aloud，helpinghimselffromthedish。）HaveyouseenthosenewchocolatesatPeliti"s？

MissT。No，Imadethesemyself。Whataretheylike？

CAPT。G。These！De-licious。（Aside。）Andthat"safact。

MissT。（Aside。）Oh，bother！he"llthinkI"mfishingforcompliments。（Aloud。）No，Peliti"sofcourse。

CAPT。G。（Enthusiastically。）Nottocomparewiththese。Howd"youmakethem？Ican"tgetmykhansamahtounderstandthesimplestthingbeyondmuttonandfowl。

MissT。Yes？I"mnotakhansamah，youknow。Perhapsyoufrightenhim。Youshouldneverfrightenaservant。Heloseshishead。It"sverybadpolicy。

CAPT。G。He"ssoawf"lystupid。

MissT。（FoldingherhandsinherZap。）Youshouldcallhimquietlyandsay:"Okhansamahjee！"

CAPT。G。（Gettinginterested。）Yes？（Aside。）Fancythatlittlefeatherweightsaying，"Okhansamahjee"tomybloodthirstyMirKhan！

MissTThenyoushouldexplainthedinner，dishbydish。

CAPT。G。ButIcan"tspeakthevernacular。

MissT。（Patronizingly。）YoushouldpasstheHigherStandardandtry。

CAPT。G。Ihave，butIdon"tseemtobeanythewiser。Areyou？

MissT。IneverpassedtheHigherStandard。Butthekhansamahisverypatientwithme。Hedoesn"tgetangrywhenItalkaboutsheep"stopees，orordermaundsofgrainwhenImeanseers。

CAPT。G。（Asidewithintenseindignation。）I"dliketoseeMirKhanbeingrudetothatgirl！Hullo！SteadytheBuffs！（Aloud。）

Anddoyouunderstandabouthorses，too？

MissT。Alittle-notverymuch。Ican"tdoctorthem，butIknowwhattheyoughttoeat，andIaminchargeofourstable。

CAPT。G。Indeed！Youmighthelpmethen。WhatoughtamantogivehissaisintheHills？Myruffiansayseightrupees，becauseeverythingissodear。

MissT。Sixrupeesamonth，andonerupeeSimlaallowance-

neithermorenorless。Andagrass-cutgetssixrupees。That"sbetterthanbuyinggrassinthebazar。

CAPT。G。（Admiringly。）Howdoyouknow？

MissT。Ihavetriedbothways。

CAPT。G。Doyouridemuch，then？I"veneverseenyouontheMall。

MissT。（Aside。）Ihaven"tpassedhimmorethanfiftytimes。

（Aloud。）Nearlyeveryday。

CAPT。G。ByJove！Ididn"tknowthat。Ha-Hamm（Pullsathismousacheandissilentforfortyseconds。）MissT。（Desperately，andwonderingwhatwillhappennext。）Itlooksbeautiful。I

shouldn"ttouchitifIwereyou。（Aside。）It"sallMamma"sfaultfornotcomingbefore。Iwillberude！

CAPT。G。（Bronzingunderthetanandbringingdownhishandveryquickly。）Eh！What-at！Oh，yes！Ha！Ha！（Laughsuneasily。）

（Aside。）Well，ofallthedashedcheek！Ineverhadawomansaythattomeyet。Shemustbeacoolhandorelse-Ah！thatnursery-tea！

VOICEPROMTHEUNKNOWN。Tchk！Tchk！Tchk！

CAPT。G。Goodgracious！What"sthat？

MissT。Thedog，Ithink。（Aside。）Emmahasbeenlistening，andI"llneverforgiveher！

CAPT。G。（Aside。）Theydon"tkeepdogshere。（Aloud。）"Didn"tsoundlikeadog，didit？

MissT。Thenitmusthavebeenthecat。Let"sgointotheveranda。

Whatalovelyeveningitis！

Stepsintoverandaandlooksoutacrossthehillsintosunset。TheCAPTAINfollows。

CAPT。G。（Aside。）Superbeyes！IwonderthatInevernoticedthembefore！（Aloud。）There"sgoingtoheadanceatViceregalLodgeonWednesday。Canyousparemeone？

MissT。（Shortly。）No！Idon"twantanyofyourcharity-dances。

YouonlyaskmebecauseMammatoldyouto。IhopandIbump。

YouknowIdo！

CAPT。G。（Aside。）That"strue，butlittlegirlsshouldn"tunderstandthesethings。（Aloud。）No，onmyword，Idon"t。Youdancebeautifully。

MissT。Thenwhydoyoualwaysstandoutafterhalfadozenturns？IthoughtofficersintheArmydidn"ttellfibs。

CAPT。G。Itwasn"tafib，believeme。Ireallydowantthepleasureofadancewithyou。

MissT。（Wickedly。）Why？Won"tMammadancewithyouanymore？

CAPT。G。（Moreearnestlythanthenecessitydemands。）Iwasn"tthinkingofyourMother。（Aside。）Youlittlevixen！

MissT。（Stilllookingoutofthewindow。）Eh？Oh，Ibegyourpardon。Iwasthinkingofsomethingelse。

CAPT。G。（Aside。）Well！Iwonderwhatshe"llsaynext。I"veneverknownawomantreatmelikethisbefore。Imightbe——Dashit，I

mightbeanInfantrysubaltern！（Aloud。）Oh，pleasedon"ttrouble。

I"mnotworththinkingabout。Isn"tyourMotherreadyyet？

MissT。Ishouldthinkso；butpromiseme，CaptainGadsby，youwon"ttakepoordearMammatwiceroundJakkoanymore。Ittiresherso。

CAPT。G。Shesaysthatnoexercisetiresher。

MissT。Yes，butshesuffersafterward。Youdon"tknowwhatrheumatismis，andyououghtn"ttokeepheroutsolate，whenitgetschillintheevenings。

CAPT。G。（Aside。）Rheumatism。Ithoughtshecameoffherhorseratherinabunch。Whew！Onelivesandlearns。（Aloud。）I"msorrytohearthat。Shehasn"tmentionedittome。

MissT。（Flurried。）Ofcoursenot！PoordearMammaneverwould。

Andyoumustn"tsaythatItoldyoueither。Promisemethatyouwon"t。Oh，CAPTAINGadsby，promisemeyouwon"tI

CAPT。G。Iamdumb，or-Ishallbeassoonasyou"vegivenmethatdance，andanother-ifyoucantroubleyourselftothinkaboutmeforaminute。

MissT。Butyouwon"tlikeitonelittlebit。You"llbeawfullysorryafterward。

CAPT。G。Ishalllikeitaboveallthings，andIshallonlybesorrythatIdidn"tgetmore。（Aside。）NowwhatintheworldamI

saying？

MissT。Verywell。Youwillhaveonlyyourselftothankifyourtoesaretroddenon。ShallwesaySeven？

CAPT。G。AndEleven。（Aside。）Shecan"tbemorethaneightstone，but，eventhen，it"sanabsurdlysmallfoot。（Looksathisownridingboots。）

MissT。They"rebeautifullyshiny。Icanalmostseemyfaceinthem。

CAPT。G。IwasthinkingwhetherIshouldhavetogooncrutchesfortherestofmylifeifyoutrodonmytoes。

MissT。Verylikely。WhynotchangeElevenforasquare？

CAPT。G。No，please！Iwantthembothwaltzes。Won"tyouwritethemdown？

MissT。Jdon"tgetsomanydancesthatIshallconfusethem。Youwillbetheoffender。

CAPT。G。Waitandsee！（Aside。）Shedoesn"tdanceperfectly，perhaps，butMissT。Yourteamusthavegotcoldbythistime。Won"tyouhaveanothercup？

CAPT。G。No，thanks。Don"tyouthinkit"spleasanteroutintheveranda？（Aside。）Ineversawhairtakethatcolorinthesunshinebefore。（Aloud。）It"slikeoneofDicksee"spictures。

MissT。YesIIt"sawonderfulsunset，isn"tit？（Bluntly。）ButwhatdoyouknowaboutDicksee"spictures？

CAPT。G。IgoHomeoccasionally。AndIusedtoknowtheGalleries。（Nervously。）Youmustn"tthinkmeonlyaPhilistinewith-amoustache。

MissT。Don"t！Pleasedon"t。I"msosorryforwhatIsaidthen。Iwashorriblyrude。Itslippedoutbeforejthought。Don"tyouknowthetemptationtosayfrightfulandshockingthingsjustforthemeresakeofsayingthem？I"mafraidIgavewaytoit。

CAPT。G。（Watchingthegirlassheflushes。）IthinkIknowthefeeling。Itwouldbeterribleifweallyieldedtoit，wouldn"tit？Forinstance，Imightsay-POORDEARMAMMA。（Entering，habited，hatted，andbooted。）Ah，CaptainGadsby？"Sorrytokeepyouwaiting。"Hopeyouhaven"tbeenbored。"Mylittlegirlbeentalkingtoyou？

MissT。（Aside。）I"mnotsorryIspokeabouttherheumatism。I"mnot！I"mNOT！IonlywishedI"dmentionedthecornstoo。

CAPT。G。（Aside。）Whatashame！Iwonderhowoldsheis。Itneveroccurredtomebefore。（Aloud。）We"vebeendiscussing"Shakespeareandthemusicalglasses"intheveranda。

MissT。（Aside。）Niceman！Heknowsthatquotation。Heisn"taPhilistinewithamoustache。（Aloud。）Good-bye，CaptainGadsby。

（Aside。）Whatahugehandandwhatasqueeze！Idon"tsupposehemeantit，buthehasdriventheringsintomyfingers。

POORDEARMAMMA。HasVermillioncomeroundyet？Oh，yes！CaptainGadsby，don"tyouthinkthatthesaddleistoofarforward？（Theypassintothefrontveranda。）

CAPT。G。（Aside。）HowthedickensshouldIknowwhatsheprefers？Shetoldmethatshedotedonhorses。（Aloud。）Ithinkitis。

MissT。（Comingoutintofrontveranda。）Oh！BadBuldoo！I

mustspeaktohimforthis。Hehastakenupthecurbtwolinks，andVermillionbatesthat。（Passesoutandtohorse"shead。）

CAPT。G。Letmedoit！

Miss。T。No，Vermillionunderstandsme。Don"tyou，oldman？

（Loosescurb-chainskilfully，andpatshorseonnoseandthrottle。）

PoorVermillion！Didtheywanttocuthischinoff？There！

CaptainGadsbywatchestheinterludewithundisguisedadmiration。

POORDEARMAMMA。（TartlytoMissT。）You"veforgottenyourguest，Ithink，dear。

MissT。Goodgracious！SoIhave！Good-bye。（Retreatsindoorshastily。）

POORDEARMAMMA。（Bunchingreinsinfingershamperedbytootightgauntlets。）CAPTAINGadsby！

CAPTAINGADSBYstoopsandmakesthefoot-rest。POOR

DEARMAMMAblunders，haltstoolong，andbreaksthroughit。

CAPT。G。（Aside。）Can"tholdupevenstoneforever。It"sallyourrheumatism。（Aloud。）Can"timaginewhyIwassoclumsy。

（Aside。）NowLittleFeatherweightwouldhavegoneuplikeabird。

Theyrideoatofthegarden。TheCaptainfallsback。

CAPT。G。（Aside。）Howthathabitcatchesherunderthearms！

Ugh！

POORDEARMAMMA。（Withthewornsmileofsixteenseasons，theworseforexchange。）You"redullthisafternoon，CAPTAINGadsby。

CAPT。G。（Spurringupwearily。）Whydidyoukeepmewaitingsolong？

Etcetera，etcetera，etcetera。

（ANINTERVALOFTHREEWEEKS。）

GILDEDYOUTH。（SittingonrailingsoppositeTownHall。）

Hullo，Gandy！"BeentrottingouttheGorgonzola！WeallthoughtitwastheGorganyou"remashing。

CAPT。G。（Withwitheringemphasis。）Youyoungcub！Whatthe-

doesitmattertoyou？

ProceedstoreadGILDEDYOUTHalectureondiscretionanddeportment，whichcrumbleslatterlikeaChineseLantern。Departsfuming。

（FURTHERINTERVALOFFIVEWEEKS。）SCENE-ExteriorofNewSimlaLibraryonafoggyevening。MissTHREECANandMissDEERCOURT

meetamongthe"rickshaws。MissT。iscarryingabundleofbooksunderherleftarm。

MissD。（Levelintonation。）Well？

Miss"I"。（Ascendingintonation。）Well？

MissD。（Capturingherfriend"sleftarm，takingawayallthebooks，placingbooksin"rickshaw，returningtoarm，securinghandbythirdfingerandinvestigating。）Well！Youbadgirl！Andyounevertoldme。

MissT。（Demurely。）He-he-heonlyspokeyesterdayafternoon。

MissD。Blessyou，dear！AndI"mtobebridesmaid，aren"tI？Youknowyoupromisedeversolongago。

MissT。Ofcourse。I"lltellyouallaboutitto-morrow。（Getsinto"rickshaw。）OEmma！

MissD。（Withintenseinterest。）Yes，dear？

MissT。（Piano。）It"squitetrue——about-the-egg。

MissD。Whategg？

MissT。（Pianissimoprestissimo。）Theeggwithoutthesalt。

（Porte。）Chalogharkojaldi，jhampani！（Gohome，jhampani。）