第7章

Mrs。StainesandherfriendnowstartedforMorley"sHotel，butwentroundbyRegentStreet，wherebytheygotgluedatPeterRobinson"swindow，andnineotherwindows；anditwasnearlyfiveo"clockwhentheyreachedMorley"s。Astheycamenearthedooroftheirsitting-room，Mrs。Stainesheardsomebodylaughingandtalkingtoherhusband。Thelaugh，tohersubtleears，didnotsoundmusicalandgenial，butkeen，satirical，unpleasant；soitwaswithsometimiditysheopenedthedoor，andtheresattheoldchapwiththetwinklingeyes。Bothpartiesstaredateachotheramoment。

"Why，itisthem，"criedtheoldgentleman。"Ha!ha!ha!ha!ha!"

Rosacoloredallover，andfeltguiltysomehow，andlookedmiserable。

"Rosadear，"saidDr。Staines，"thisisourUnclePhilip。"

"Oh!"saidRosa，andturnedredandpalebyturns；forshehadagreatdesiretopropitiateUnclePhilip。

"Youwereintheauction-room，sir?"saidMrs。Cole，severely。

"Iwas，madam。He!he!"

"Furnishingahouse?"

"No，ma"am。Igotoadozensalesaweek；butitisnottobuy——I

enjoythehumors。DidyoueverhearofRobertBurton，ma"am?"

"No。Yes；agreattraveller，isn"the?DiscoveredtheNile——ortheNiger——orSOMETHING?"

ThismajesticvaguenessstaggeredoldCrustyatfirst，butherecoveredhisequilibrium，andsaid，"Why，yes，nowIthinkofit，youareright；hehastravelledfartherthanmostofus，forabouttwocenturiesagohevisitedthatbournwhencenotravellerreturns。Well，whenhewasalive——hewasastudentofChristchurch——heusedtogodowntoacertainbridgeovertheIsisandenjoythechaffofthebargemen。Nowtherearenobargemenlefttospeakof；themantleofBobbyBurton"sbargeeshasfallenontheJewsanddemi-semi-Christiansthatbuyandsellfurnitureattheweeklyauctions；thitherIrepairtohearwhatlittlecoarsewitisleftus。UsedtogototheHouseofCommons；buttheyaregettingtoocivilbyhalfformymoney。Besides，characterscomeoutinanauction。Forinstance，onlythisverydayIsawtwoladiesenter，ingorgeousattire，likeheifersdeckedforsacrifice，andreducetheirspoliationtoacertaintybyemployingabrokertobid。Now，whatisabroker?Afellowwhoistobepaidashillinginthepoundforallarticlespurchased。Whatishisinterest，then?Tobuycheap?Clearlynot。Heispaidinproportiontothedearnessofthearticle。"

Rosa"sfacebegantoworkpiteously。

"Accordingly，whatdidthebrokerinquestiondo?Hewinkedtoanotherbroker，andthesetwobidagainstoneanother，overtheirvictim"shead，andraneverythingshewantedupatleastahundredpercentabovethevalue。SoopenandtransparentaswindleIhaveseldomseen，eveninanauction-room。Ha!ha!ha!ha!ha!"

HismirthwasinterruptedbyRosagoingtoherhusband，hidingherheadonhisshoulder，andmeeklycrying。

Christophercomfortedherlikeaman。"Don"tyoucry，darling，"

saidhe；"howshouldapurecreaturelikeyouknowthebadnessoftheworldallinamoment?Ifitismywifeyouarelaughingat，UnclePhilip，letmetellyouthisisthewrongplace。I"dratherathousandtimeshaveherassheis，thanarmedwiththecunningandsuspicionsofahardenedoldworldlinglikeyou。"

"Withallmyheart，"saidUnclePhilip，who，todohimjustice，couldtakeblowsaswellasgivethem；"butwhyemployabroker?

Whypayascoundrelfivepercenttomakeyoupayahundredpercent?Whypayanoisyfoolafarthingtoopenhismouthforyouwhenyouhavetakenthetroubletobethereyourself，andhavegotamouthofyourowntobiddiscreetlywith?Waseversuchanabsurdity?"Hebegantogetangry。

"Doyouwanttoquarrelwithme，UnclePhilip?"saidChristopher，firingup；"becausesneeringatmyRosaistheway，andtheonlyway，andthesureway。"

"Oh，no，"saidRosa，interposing。"UnclePhilipwasright。Iamveryfoolishandinexperienced，butIamnotsovainastoturnfromgoodadvice。Iwillneveremployabrokeragain，sir。"

UnclePhilipsmiledandlookedpleased。

Mrs。Colecausedadiversionbytakingleave，andRosafollowedherdown-stairs。OnherreturnshefoundChristophertellinghisuncleallabouttheBijou，andhowhehadtakenitforahundredandthirtypoundsayearandahundredpoundspremium，andUnclePhilipstaringfearfully。

Atlasthefoundhistongue。"TheBijou!"saidhe。"Why，thatisanametheygavetoalittledeninDearStreet，Mayfair。Youhaven"teverbeenandtakenTHAT!Builtoveramews。"

Christophergroaned。"Thatistheplace，Ifear。"

"Whytheownerisafriendofmine；anoldpatient。Stablesstunkhimout。Letittoaman；Iforgethisname。StablesstunkHIM

out。Hesaid，"Ishallgo。""Youcan"t，"saidmyfriend；"youhavetakenalease。""Leasebed——d，"saidtheother；"InevertookYOURhouse；here"squitealargestenchnotspecifiedinyourdescriptionoftheproperty——ITCAN"TBETHESAMEPLACE；"flungtheleaseathishead，andcutlikethewindtoforeignpartslessodoriferous。I"dhavegotyoutheholeforninety；butyouarelikeyourwife——youmustgotoanagent。What!don"tyouknowthatanagentisamanactingforyouwithaninterestopposedtoyours?

Employinganagent!itislikeaTrojanseekingtheaidofaGreek。

Youneedn"tcry，Mrs。Staines；yourhusbandhasbeenletindeeperthanyouhave。Now，youareyoungpeoplebeginninglife；I"llgiveyouapieceofadvice。Employotherstodowhatyoucan"tdo，anditmustbedone；butnevertodoanythingyoucandobetterforyourselves!Agent!ThewordisderivedfromaLatinword"agere，"

todo；andagentsactuptotheiretymology，fortheyinvariablyDO

thenincompoopthatemploysthem，ordealswiththem，inanymortalway。I"dhavegotyouthatbeastlylittleBijouforninetypoundsayear。"

UnclePhilipwentawaycrusty，leavingtheyoungcouplefinelymortifiedanddiscouraged。

Thatdidnotlastverylong。ChristophernotedtheexperienceandUnclePhil"swisdominhisdiary，andthentookhiswifeonhisknee，andcomfortedher，andsaid，"Nevermind；experienceisworthmoney，anditalwayshastobebought。Thosewhocheatuswilldiepoorerthanweshall，ifwearehonestandeconomical。Ihaveobservedthatpeopleareseldomruinedbythevicesofothers；

thesemayhurtthem，ofcourse；butitisonlytheirownfaultsandfolliesthatcandestroythem。"

"Ah!Christie，"saidRosa，"youareaman!Oh，thecomfortofbeingmarriedtoAMAN。Amanseesthebestside。Idoadoremen。

Dearest，Iwillwastenomoreofyourmoney。Iwillgotonomoresales。"

Christophersawshewasdeeplymortified，andhesaid，quietly，"Onthecontrary，youwillgototheverynext。OnlytakeUnclePhilip"sadvice，employnobroker；andwatchthepricesthingsfetchwhenyouarenotbidding；andkeepcool。"

Shecaressedhisearswithbothherwhitehands，andthankedhimforgivingheranothertrial。Sothattroublemeltedinthesunshineofconjugallove。

Notwithstandingtheagent"ssolemnassurance，theBijouwasoutofrepair。Dr。Stainesdetectedinternalodors，aswellasthosethatflowedinfromthemews。Hewasnotthemantolethiswifeperishbymiasma；sohehadthedrainsallup，andactuallyfoundbrickdrains，andacesspool。Hestoppedthatup，andlaiddownnewpipedrains，withagoodfall，andproperlytrapped。Theolddrainswerehidden，afterthemannerofbuilders。Hehadthewholecourseofhisnewdrainsmarkeduponallthefloorstheypassedunder，andhadseveralstonesandboardshingedtofacilitateexaminationatanyperiod。

Butallthis，withthenecessarycleaning，whitewashing，painting，andpapering，ranawaywithmoney。ThencameRosa"spurchases，which，toheramazement，amountedtoonehundredandninetypounds，andnotacarpet，curtain，orbedamongstthelot。Thentherewasthecarriagehomefromtheauction-room，anexpenseoneavoidsbybuyingatashop，andthebrokerclaimedhisshillinginthepound。

This，however，Stainesrefused。Themancameandblustered。Rosa，whowasthere，trembled。Then，forthefirsttime，shesawherhusband"sbrowlower；heseemedtransfigured，andlookedterrible。

"Youscoundrel，"saidhe，"yousetanothervillainlikeyourselftobidagainstyou，andyoubetrayedtheinnocentladythatemployedyou。Icouldindictyouandyourconfederateforaconspiracy。I

takethegoodsoutofrespectformywife"scredit，butyoushallgainnothingbyswindlingher。Beoff，youheartlessmiscreant，orI"ll"——

"I"lltakethelaw，ifyoudo。"

"Takeit，then!I"llgiveyousomethingtohowlfor；"andheseizedhimwithagraspsotremendousthatthefellowcriedoutindismay，"Oh!don"thitme，sir；praydon"t。"

Onthisabjectappeal，Stainestorethedooropenwithhislefthand，andspunthebrokeroutintothepassagewithhisright。TwomovementsofthisangryHercules，andthemanwasliterallywhirledoutofsightwitharapidityandswiftnessalmostludicrous；itwaslikeatrickinapantomime。Aclatteronthestairsbetrayedthathehadgonedownthefirstfewstepsinawholesaleandirregularmanner，thoughhehadjustmanagedtokeephisfeet。

AsforStaines，hestoodtherestillloweringlikethunder，andhiseyeslikehotcoals；buthiswifethrewhertenderarmsaroundhim，andbeggedhimconsolinglynottomind。

Shewastremblinglikeanaspen。

"Dearme，"saidChristopher，withaludicrouschangetomarkedpolitenessandrespect，"IforgotYOU，inmyrighteousindignation。"Nexthebecameuxorious。"Didtheyfrightenher，aduck?Sitonmyknee，darling，andpullmyhair，fornotbeingmoreconsiderate——there!there!"

Thiswasfollowedbythewholeabsurdsoothingprocess，aspractisedbymanlyhusbandsuponquiveringandsomewhathystericalwives，andendedwithaformalapology。"YoumustnotthinkthatI

ampassionate；onthecontrary，Iamalwayspractisingself-

government。Mymaximis，Animumregequinisiparetimperat，andthatmeans，Makeyourtemperyourservant，orelseitwillbeyourmaster。Buttoill-usemydearlittlewife——itisunnatural，itismonstrous，itmakesmybloodboil。"

"Oh，dear!don"tgointoanother。Itisallover。Ican"tbeartoseeyouinapassion；youaresoterrible，sobeautiful。Ah!theyarefinethings，courageandstrength。There"snothingIadmiresomuch。"

"Why，theyareascommonasdirt。WhatIadmireismodesty，timidity，sweetness；thesensitivecheekthatpalesorblushesataword，thebosomthatquivers，andclingstoafellowwheneveranythinggoeswrong。"

"Oh，thatiswhatyouadmire，isit?"saidRosadryly。

"Admireit?"saidChristopher，notseeingthetrap；"Iadoreit。"

"Then，Christie，dear，youareaSimpleton，thatisall。Andwearemadeforoneanother。"

Thehousewastobefurnishedandoccupiedassoonaspossible；soMrs。StainesandMrs。Colewenttoanothersale-room。Mrs。StainesrememberedallUnclePhiliphadsaid，andwentplainlydressed；butherfrienddeclinedtosacrificehershowydresstoherfriend"sinterests。Rosathoughtthatalittleunkind，butsaidnothing。

Inthisauction-roomtheyeasilygotaplaceatthetable，butdidnotfinditheaven；foranumberofsecondhandcarpetswereinthesale，andthese，brimfulofdust，wereallshownonthetable，andthedirtchoked，andpoisonedourfairfriends。Brokerspesteredthem，untilatlastRosa，smartingunderherlateexposure，addressedtheauctioneerquietly，inhersilverytones:"Sir，thesegentlemenareannoyingmebyforcingtheirservicesonme。IdonotintendtobuyatallunlessIcanbeallowedtobidformyself。"

WhenRosa，blushingandamazedatherownboldness，utteredthesewords，shelittleforesawtheireffect。Shehadtouchedapopularsore。

"Youarequiteright，madam，"saidarespectabletradesmanoppositeher。"Whatbusinesshavethesedirtyfellows，withoutashillingintheirpockets，togoandforcethemselvesonaladyagainstherwill?"

"Ithasbeencomplainedofinthepapersagainandagain，"saidanother。

"What!mayn"tweliveaswellasyou?"retortedabroker。

"Yes，butnottoforceyourselfonalady。Why，she"dgiveyouinchargeofthepoliceifyoutrieditonoutside。"

Thentherewasadownrightclamorofdiscussionandchaff。

Presentlyuprisesveryslowlyacountrymansocolossal，thatitseemedasifhewouldneverhavedonegettingup，andgiveshisexperiences。Heinformedthecompany，inabroadYorkshiredialect，thathedidabitinfurniture，andatfirststartingthesebrokersbuzzedabouthimlikeflies，andpesteredhim。"Aahdamned"emprettyhard，"saidhe，"buttheydidn"theedany。Sothenahspoke"emcivil，andahsaid，"Well，lads，IdinnacomefraYorkshiretositlikeadummyandletyoubuywi"mybrass；thefirstthatpestersmeagainah"lljustfellhimont"plaace，likeacaulf，andah"mnotverysurehe"llgetupagaininahurry。"Sotheydroppedmelikeahotpotato；neverpesteredmeagain。Butiftheywon"tgiveoverpesteringyou，mistress，ah"llcomeroundandjuststandbehindyourchair，andbringnievewithme，"showingafistlikealegofmutton。

"No，no，"saidtheauctioneer，"thatwillnotdo。Iwillhavenodisturbancehere。Callthepoliceman。"

Whiletheclerkwenttothedoorforthebobby，agentlemanremindedtheauctioneerthatthejournalshadrepeatedlydrawnattentiontothenuisance。

"Faultofthepublic，notmine，sir。Policeman，standbehindthatlady"schair，andifanybodyannoysherputhimquietlyintothestreet。"

"Thisauction-roomwillbetoletsoon，"saidavoiceattheendofthetable。

"Thisauction-room，"saidtheauctioneer，masterofthegayorgraveatamoment"snotice，"issupportedbythepublicandthetrade；itisnotsupportedbypaupers。"

AJewupholstererputinhisword。"Idomyownbusiness；butI

liketoletapoormanlive。"

"Jonathan，"saidtheauctioneertooneofhisservants，"afterthissaleyoumayputuptheshutters；wehavegoneandoffendedMr。

Jacobs。HekeepsashopinBlindAlley，Whitechapel。Nowthen，lot69。"

Rosabidtimidlyforoneortwolots，andboughtthemcheap。

Theauctioneerkeptlookingherway，andshehadonlytonod。

Theobnoxiousbrokergotoppositeher，andranherupalittleoutofspite；butashehadonlygothalfacrownabouthim，andnomeansofdoublingit，hedarednotgofar。

OntheothersideofthetablewasafiguretowhichRosa"seyesoftenturnedwithinterest——afairyoungboyabouttwelveyearsold；hehadgoldenhair，andwasindeepmourning。HisappearanceinterestedRosa，andshewonderedhowhecamethere，andwhy；helookedlikealambwedgedinamongwolves，afloweramongweeds。

Asthelotsproceeded，theboyseemedtogetuneasy；andatlast，whenlot"73wasputup，anybodycouldseeinhispoorlittlefacethathewastheretobidforit。

"Lot"73，anarmchaircoveredinmorocco。Anexcellentandusefularticle。ShouldnotbeatallsurprisedifitwasmadebyGillow。"

"Gillowwouldthough，"saidJacobs，whoowedhimaturn。

Chorusofdealers——"Haw!haw!"

Theauctioneer——"Iliketohearsomepeoplerunalotdown；showstheyaregoingtobidforitinearnest。Well，nameyourownprice。Fivepoundstobegin?"

Nowifnobodyhadspokentheauctioneerwouldhavegoneon，"Well，fourpoundsthen——three，two，whateveryoulike，"andatlastobtainedabonafideofferofthirtyshillings；butthemomenthesaid"Fivepoundstobegin，"theboyinblacklifteduphischildishtrebleandbidthus，"Fivepoundten"——"sixpounds"——"sixpoundten"——"sevenpounds"——"sevenpoundten"——"eightpounds"——

"eightpoundten"——"ninepounds"——"ninepoundten"——"tenpounds!"

withoutinterruption，andindeedalmostinabreath。

Therewasamomentarypauseofamazement，andthenanoutburstofchaff。

"Nicelittleboy!"

"Didn"thesayhislessonwell?"

"Favoruswithyourcard，sir。Youareagentasknowshowtobuy。"

"Whatdidhestopfor?Ifit"sworthten，itisworthahundred。"

"Blessthechild!"saidafemaledealer，kindly，"whatmadeyougoonlikethat?Why，therewasnoonebidagainstyou!you"dhavegotitfortwopounds——aricketyoldthing。"

Youngmasterbegantowhimper。"Why，thegentlemansaid，"FivepoundstoBEGIN。"Itwasthechairpoorgrandpapaalwayssatin，andallthethingsaresold，andmammasaiditwouldbreakherhearttoloseit。Shewastooilltocome，soshesentme。ShetoldmeIwasnottoletitbesoldawayfromusforlessthantenpounds，orshesh——shouldbem——m——miserable，"andthepoorlittlefellowbegantocry。Rosafollowedsuitpromptlybutunobtrusively。

"Sentimentalwayscostsmoney，"saidMr。Jacobs，gravely。

"Howdoyouknow?"askedMr。Cohen。"HaveYOUgotanyonhand?I

neverseennoneatyourshop。"

Sometemptingthingsnowcameup，andMrs。Stainesbidfreely；butallofasuddenshelookeddownthetable，andtherewasUnclePhilip，twinklingasbefore。"Oh，dear!whatamIdoingnow!"

thoughtshe。"Ihavegotnobroker。"

Shebidon，butinfearandtrembling，becauseofthosetwinklingeyes。Atlastshemusteredcourage，wroteonaleafofherpocket-

book，andpasseditdowntohim:"Itwouldbeonlykindtowarnme。

WhatamIdoingwrong?"

Hesentherbackalinedirectly:"Auctioneerrunningyouuphimself。Followhiseyewhenhebids；youwillseethereisnobonafidebidderatyourprices。"

Rosadidso，andfoundthatitwastrue。

ShenoddedtoUnclePhilip；and，withherexpressiveface，askedhimwhatsheshoulddo。

Theoldboymusthavehisjoke。Sohewroteback:"Tellhim，asyouseehehasafancyforcertainarticles，youwouldnotbesodiscourteousastobidagainsthim。"

Thenextarticlebutonewasadrawing-roomsuiteRosawanted；buttheauctioneerbidagainsther；soateighteenpoundsshestopped。

"Itisagainstyou，madam，"saidtheauctioneer。

"Yes，sir，"saidRosa；"butasyouaretheonlybidder，andyouhavebeensokindtome，Iwouldnotthinkofopposingyou。"

Thewordswerescarcelyoutofhermouth，whentheyweregreetedwitharoarofHomericlaughterthatliterallyshooktheroom，andthistimenotattheexpenseoftheinnocentspeaker。

"That"sintoyourmutton，governor。"

"Sharp"sthewordthistime。"

"Isay，governor，don"tyouwantabrokertobidforye?"

"Winkatmenexttime，sir；I"lldotheofficeforyou。"

"Nogreenhornsleftnow。"

"Thatladywon"tgiveaten-pundnoteforhergrandfather"sarmchair。"

"Oh，yes，shewill，ifit"sstuffedwithbanknotes。"

"Putthenextlotupwiththeowner"snameandthereserveprice。

Openbusiness。"

"Andsingapsalmatstarting。"

"AlittlelessnoiseinJudaea，ifyouplease，"saidtheauctioneer，whohadnowrecoveredfromtheblow。"Lot97。"

Thiswasaveryprettymarqueteriecabinet；itstoodagainstthewall，andRosahadsetherheartuponit。Nobodywouldbid。Shehadmuzzledtheauctioneereffectually。

"Yourownprice。"

"Twopounds，"saidRosa。

Adealerofferedguineas；anditadvancedslowlytofourpoundsandhalfacrown，atwhichitwasabouttobeknockeddowntoRosa，whensuddenlyanewbidderaroseinthebrokerRosahadrejected。

Theybidslowlyandsturdilyagainsteachother，untilalinewasgiventoRosafromUnclePhilip。

"Thistimeitisyourownfriend，thesnipe-nosedwoman。Shetelegraphedabroker。"

Rosaread，andcrushedthenote。"Sixguineas，"saidshe。

"Six-ten。"

"Seven。"

"Seven-ten。"

"Eight。"

"Eight-ten。"

"Tenguineas，"saidRosa；andthen，withfemininecunning，stealingasuddenglance，caughtherfriendleaningbackandsignallingthebrokernottogivein。

"Elevenpounds。"

"Twelve。"

"Thirteen。"

"Fourteen。"

"Sixteen。"

"Eighteen。"

"Twenty。"

"Twentyguineas。"

"Itisyours，myfaithfulfriend，"saidRosa，turningsuddenlyroundtoMrs。Cole，withamagnificentglancenoonewouldhavethoughthercapableof。

Thensheroseandstalkedaway。

Dumfoundedforthemoment，Mrs。Colefollowedher，andstoppedheratthedoor。

"Why，Rosiedear，itistheonlythingIhavebidfor。ThereI"vesatbyyoursidelikeamouse。"

Rosaturnedgravelytowardsher。"Youknowitisnotthat。Youhadonlytotellmeyouwantedit。Iwouldneverhavebeensomeanastobidagainstyou。"

"Mean，indeed!"said。Florence，tossingherhead。

"Yes，mean；todrawbackandhidebehindthefriendyouwerewith，andemploytheveryrogueshehadturnedoff。Butitismyownfault。Ceciliawarnedmeagainstyou。Shealwayssaidyouwereatreacherousgirl。"

"AndIsayyouareanimpudentlittleminx。Onlyjustmarried，andgoingaboutliketwovagabonds，andtalktomelikethat!"

"Wearenotgoingaboutliketwovagabonds。WehavetakenahouseinMayfair。"

"Sayastable。"

"Itwasbyyouradvice，youfalse-heartedcreature。"

"Youareafool。"

"Youareworse；youareatraitress。"

"Thendon"tyouhaveanythingtodowithme。"

"HeavenforbidIshould，youtreacherousthing!"

"Youinsolent——insolent——Ihateyou。"

"AndIdespiseyou。"

"Ialwayshatedyouatbottom。"

"That"swhyyoupretendedtoloveme，youwretch。"

"Well，Ipretendnomore。Iamyourenemyforlife。"

"Thankyou。Youhavetoldthetruthforonceinyourlife。"

"Ihave。Andheshallnevercallinyourhusband；soyoumayleaveMayfairassoonasyoulike。"

"Nottopleaseyou，madam。Wecangetonwithouttraitors。"

Andsotheyparted，witheyesthatgleamedliketigers。

Rosadrovehomeingreatagitation，andtriedtotellChristopher；

butchoked，andbecamehysterical。Thehusband-physiciancoaxedandscoldedheroutofthat；andpresentlyincameUnclePhilip，fullofthehumorsoftheauction-room。HetoldaboutthelittleboywithadelightthatdisgustedMrs。Staines，andthenwasparticularlymerryonfemalefriendships。"Fancyamangoingtoasalewithhisfriend，andbiddingagainsthimonthesly。"

"Sheisnofriendofmine。Weareenemiesforlife。"

"Andyouweretobefriendstilldeath，"saidStaines，withasigh。

Philipinquiredwhoshewas。

"Mrs。JohnCole。"