第3章

"Andaprettysubjectitis!"

Dr。StainestheninvitedMr。Lusignantohislodgings，andpromisedtoexplainthematteranatomically。"Meantime，"saidhe，"wouldyoubegoodenoughtoputyourhandstomywaist，asIdidtothepatient"s。"

Mr。Lusignancomplied；andthepatientbegantotitterdirectly，toputthemoutofcountenance。

"PleaseobservewhattakesplacewhenIdrawafullbreath。

"Nowapplythesametesttothepatient。Breatheyourbest，please，MissLusignan。"

Thepatientputonafacefullofsaucymutiny。

"Toobligeusboth。"

"Oh，howtiresome!"

"Iamawareitisratherlaborious，"saidStaines，alittledryly；

"buttoobligeyourfather!"

"Oh，anythingtoobligepapa，"saidshe，spitefully。"There!AndIdohopeitwillbethelast——la!no；Idon"thopethat，neither。"

Dr。Stainespolitelyignoredherlittleattemptstointerrupttheargument。"Youfound，sir，thatthemusclesofmywaist，andmyintercostalribsthemselves，roseandfellwitheachinhalationandexhalationofairbythelungs。"

"Idid；butmydaughter"swaistwaslikedeadwood，andsowereherlowerribs。"

Atthisvolunteerstatement，Rosacoloredtohertemples。"Thanks，papa!PackmeofftoLondon，andsellmeforabigdoll!"

"Inotherwords，"saidthelecturer，mildandpertinacious，"withusthelungshaveroomtoblow，andthewholebonyframeexpandselasticwiththem，likethewoodworkofablacksmith"sbellows；butwiththispatient，andmanyofhersex，thatnobleanddivinelyframedbellowsiscrippledandconfinedbyapowerfulmachineofhumanconstruction；soitworkslamelyandfeebly:consequentlytoolittleair，andofcoursetoolittleoxygen，passesthroughthatspongyorganwhoseverylifeisair。Nowmarkthespecialresultinthiscase:beingotherwisehealthyandvigorous，ourpatient"ssystemsendsintothelungsmorebloodthanthatonecrippledorgancandealwith；asmallquantitybecomesextravasatedatoddtimes；

itaccumulates，andwouldbecomedangerous；thenNature，strengthenedbysleep，andbysomehours"relieffromthediabolicalengine，makesaneffortandflingsitoff:thatiswhythehemorrhagecomesinthemorning，andwhysheisthebetterforit，feelingneitherfaintnorsick，butrelievedofaweight。

This，sir，istherationaleofthecomplaint；anditistoyouI

mustlookforthecure。Tojudgefrommyotherfemalepatients，andfromthefewwordsMissLusignanhasletfall，Ifearwemustnotcountonanyveryheartyco-operationfromher:butyouareherfather，andhavegreatauthority；Iconjureyoutouseittothefull，asyouonceusedit——tomysorrow——inthisveryroom。Iamforgettingmycharacter。Iwasaskedhereonlyasherphysician。

Good-evening。"

Hegavealittlegulp，andhurriedaway，withanabruptnessthattouchedthefatherandoffendedthesapientdaughter。

However，Mr。Lusignanfollowedhim，andstoppedhimbeforeheleftthehouse，andthankedhimwarmly；andtohissurprise，beggedhimtocallagaininadayortwo。

"Well，Rosa，whatdoyousay?"

"IsaythatIamveryunfortunateinmydoctors。Mr。Wymanisachatterboxandknowsnothing。Dr。SnellisMr。Wyman"secho。

Christopherisagenius，andtheyarealwaysfullofcrotchets。A

prettydoctor!Goneaway，andnotprescribedforme!"

Mr。Lusignanadmitteditwasodd。"But，afterall，"saidhe，"ifmedicinedoesyounogood?"

"Ah!butanymedicineHEhadprescribedwouldhavedonemegood，andthatmakesitalltheunkinder。"

"Ifyouthinksohighlyofhisskill，whynottakehisadvice?Itcandonoharm。"

"Noharm?Why，ifIwastoleavethemoffIshouldcatchadreadfulcold；andthatwouldbesuretosettleonmychest，andcarrymeoff，inmypresentdelicatestate。Besides，itissounfemininenottowearthem。"

ThisstaggeredMr。Lusignan，andhewasafraidtopressthepoint；

butwhatStaineshadsaidfermentedinhismind。

Dr。SnellandMr。Wymancontinuedtheirvisitsandtheirprescriptions。

Thepatientgotalittleworse。

Mr。LusignanhopedChristopherwouldcallagain，buthedidnot。

WhenDr。Staineshadsatisfiedhimselfthatthedisorderwaseasilycurable，thenwoundedpridefoundanentranceevenintohislovingheart。Thattwostrangersshouldhavebeenconsultedbeforehim!

Hewasonlysentforbecausetheycouldnotcureher。

Asheseemedinnohurrytorepeathisvisit，Mr。Lusignancalledonhim，andsaid，politely，hehadhopedtoreceiveanothercallerethis。"Personally，"saidhe，"Iwasmuchstruckwithyourobservations；butmydaughterisafraidshewillcatchcoldifsheleavesoffhercorset，andthat，youknow，mightbeveryserious。"

Dr。Stainesgroaned，and，whenhehadgroaned，helectured。

"Femalepatientsarewonderfullymonotonousinthismatter；theyhaveaprogrammeofevasions；andwhetherthepatientisaladyorahousemaid，sheseldomvariesfromthatprogramme。Youfindherbreathinglife"sairwithhalfabellows，andyoutellherso。

"Oh，no，"saysshe；anddoesthegiganticfeatofcontractionwewitnessedthateveningatyourhouse。But，oninquiry，youlearnthereisarawredlineploughedinherfleshbythecruelstays。

"Whatisthat?"youask，andflatteryourselfyouhavepinnedher。

Notabit。"Thatwasthelastpair。Ichangedthem，becausetheyhurtme。"Drivenoutofthatbyproofsofrecentlaceration，theysay，"IfIleavethemoffIshouldcatchmydeathofcold，"whichisequivalenttosayingthereisnoflannelintheshops，nocommonsensenorneedlesathome。"

HethenlaidbeforehimsomelargeFrenchplates，showingtheorgansofthehumantrunk，andbadehimobserveinhowsmallaspace，andwithwhatskill，theCreatorhaspackedsomanylargeyetdelicateorgans，sothattheyshouldbefreeandsecurefromfriction，thoughsoclosetoeachother。Heshowedhimtheliver，anorganweighingfourpounds，andoflargecircumference；thelungs，averylargeorgan，suspendedinthechestandimpatientofpressure；theheart，thestomach，thespleen，allofthemtoocloselyandartfullypackedtobearanyfurthercompression。

Havingthustakenhimbytheeye，hetookhimbythemind。

"IsitasmallthingforthecreaturetosaytoherCreator，"Icanpackallthisegg-chinabetterthanyoucan，"andthereupontojamallthosevitalorgansclose，byapowerful，averypowerfulandingeniousmachine?Isitasmallthingforthatsex，which，forgoodreasons，theOmniscienthasmadelargerinthewaistthanthemale，tosaytoherCreator，"Youdon"tknowyourbusiness；womenoughttobesmallerinthewaistthanmen，andshallbethroughoutthecivilizedworld"?"

Inshort，hedeliveredsomanytrueandpointedthingsonthistritesubject，thattheoldgentlemanwasconvinced，andbeggedhimtocomeoverthatveryeveningandconvinceRosa。

Dr。Stainesshookhisheaddolefully，andallhisfirediedoutofhimathavingtofacethefair。"Reasonwillbewasted。Authorityistheonlyweapon。Myprofessionandmyreadinghavebothtaughtmethatthewholecharacterofhersexundergoesachangethemomentamaninterfereswiththeirdress。FromChaucer"sdaytoourown，neitherpublicsatirenorprivateremonstrancehasevershakenanyoftheirmonstrousfashions。Easy，obliging，pliable，andweakerofwillthanmeninotherthings，dobuttouchtheirdress，howeverobjectionable，androckisnotharder，ironisnotmorestubborn，thanthesesoftandyieldingcreatures。Itisnoearthlyusemycoming——I"llcome。"

Hecamethatveryevening，andsawdirectlyshewasworse。"Ofcourse，"saidhe，sadly，"youhavenottakenmyadvice。"

Rosarepliedwithatossandanevasion，"Iwasnotworthaprescription!"

"Aphysiciancanprescribewithoutsendinghispatienttothedruggist；andwhenhedoes，thenitishiswordsaregold。"

Rosashookherheadwithanairofloftyincredulity。

HelookedruefullyatMr。Lusignanandwassilent。Rosasmiledsarcastically；shethoughthewasathiswit"send。

Notquite:hewascudgellinghisbrainsinsearchofsomehorriblyunscientificargument，thatmightprevail；forhefeltsciencewouldfalldeaduponsofairanantagonist。Atlasthiseyekindled；hehadhitonanargumentunscientificenoughforanybody，hethought。Saidhe，ingratiatingly，"YoubelievetheOldTestament?"

"OfcourseIdo，everysyllable。"

"Andthelessonsitteaches?"

"Certainly!"

"Thenletmetellyouastoryfromthatbook。ASyriangeneralhadaterribledisease。HeconsultedElishabydeputy。Elishasaid，"Batheseventimesinacertainriver，Jordan，andyouwillgetwell。"Thegeneraldidnotlikethisatall；hewantedaprescription；wantedtogotothedruggist；didn"tbelieveinhydropathytobegin，and，inanycase，turneduphisnoseatJordan。What!batheinanIsraelitishbrook，whenhisowncountryboastednoblerivers，withareputationforsanctityintothebargain?Inshort，hepreferredhisleprosytosuchirregularmedicine。Butithappened，bysomeimmensefortuity，thatoneofhisservants，thoughanOriental，wasafriend，insteadofaflatterer；andthissensiblefellowsaid，"Iftheprophettoldyoutodosomegreatanddifficultthing，togetridofthisfearfulmalady，wouldnotyoudoit，howeverdistasteful?andcanyouhesitatewhenhemerelysays，WashintheJordan，andbehealed?"

Thegenerallistenedtogoodsense，andcuredhimself。Yourcaseisparallel。Youwouldtakequantitiesoffoulmedicine；youwouldsubmittosomepainfuloperation，iflifeandhealthdependedonit；thenwhynotdoasmallthingforagreatresult?Youhaveonlytotakeoffanunnaturalmachinewhichcripplesyourgrowingframe，andwasunknowntoeveryoneofthewomenwhoseformsinParianmarbletheworldadmires。Offwiththatmonstrosity，andyourcureisascertainastheSyriangeneral"s；thoughscience，andnotinspiration，dictatestheeasyremedy。"

Rosahadlistenedimpatiently，andnowrepliedwithsomewarmth，"Thisisshockinglyprofane。TheideaofcomparingyourselftoElisha，andmetoahorridleper!Muchobliged!NotthatIknowwhataleperis。"

"Come，come!thatisnotfair，"saidMr。Lusignan。"Heonlycomparedthesituation，notthepeople。"

"But，papa，theBibleisnottobedraggedintothecommonaffairsoflife。"

"Thenwhatonearthistheuseofit?"

"Oh，papa!Well，itisnotSunday，butIhavehadasermon。Thisistheclergyman，andyouarethecommentator——he!he!Andsonowletusgobackfromdivinitytomedicine。Irepeat"(thiswasthefirsttimeshehadsaidit)"thatmyotherdoctorsgivemerealprescriptions，writteninhieroglyphics。Youcan"tlookatthemwithoutfeelingthereMUSTbesomethinginthem。"

AnangryspotroseonChristopher"scheek，butheonlysaid，"Andareyourotherdoctorssatisfiedwiththeprogressyourdisorderismakingundertheirsuperintendence?"

"Perfectly!Papa，tellhimwhattheysay，andI"llfindhimtheirprescriptions。"Shewenttoadrawer，andrummaged，affectingnottolisten。

Lusignancomplied。"Firstofall，sir，Imusttellyoutheyareconfidentitisnotthelungs，buttheliver。"

"Thewhat!"shoutedChristopher。

"Ah!"screamedRosa。"Oh，don"t!——bawling!"

"Anddon"tyouscreech，"saidherfather，withalookofmiseryandapprehensionimpartiallydistributedontheresoundingpair。

"Youmusthavemisunderstoodthem，"murmuredStaines，inavoicethatwasnowbarelyaudibleayardoff。"Thehemorrhageofabrightredcolor，andexpelledwithouteffortornausea?"

"Fromtheliver——theyhaveassuredmeagainandagain，"saidLusignan。

Christopher"sfacestillworealookofblankamazement，tillRosaherselfconfirmeditpositively。

Thenhecastalookofagonyuponher，andstartedupinapassion，forgettingoncemorethathishostabhorredthesonorous。"Oh，shame!shame!"hecried，"thatthenobleprofessionofmedicineshouldbedisgracedbyignorancesuchasthis。"Thenhesaid，sternly，"Sir，donotmistakemymotives；butIdeclinetohaveanythingfurthertodowiththiscase，untilthosetwogentlemenhavebeenrelievedofit；and，asthisisveryharsh，andonmypartunprecedented，IwillgiveyouonereasonoutofmanyICOULD

giveyou。Sir，thereisnoroadfromthelivertothethroatbywhichbloodcantravelinthisway，defyingthelawsofgravity；

andtheyknew，fromthepatient，thatnostrongexpellentforcehaseverbeeninoperation。Theirdiagnosis，therefore，impliesagnosis，orignorancetoogreattobeforgiven。Iwillnotsharemypatientwithtwogentlemenwhoknowsolittleofmedicine，andknownothingofanatomy，whichistheABCofmedicine。CanIseetheirprescriptions?"

Thesewerehandedtohim。"Goodheavens!"saidhe，"haveyoutakenallthese?"

"Mostofthem。"

"Why，thenyouhavedrunkabouttwogallonsofunwholesomeliquids，andeatenapoundortwoofunwholesomesolids。Thesemedicineshaveco-operatedwiththemalady。Thedisorderlies，notinthehemorrhage，butintheprecedentextravasationthatisadrainonthesystem；andhowisthelosstobesupplied?Why，bytakingalittlemorenourishmentthanbefore；thereisnootherway；andprobablyNature，lefttoherself，mighthaveincreasedyourappetitetomeettheoccasion。ButthosetwoworthieshavestruckthatweaponoutofNature"shand；theyhavepepperedawayatthepoorill-usedstomachwithdrugsanddraughts，notverydeleteriousIgrantyou，butallmoreorlessindigestible，andalltending，nottowhettheappetite，buttoclogthestomach，orturnthestomach，orpesterthestomach，andsoimpairtheappetite，andsoco-operate，indirectly，withthemalady。"

"Thisisgoodsense，"saidLusignan。"Ideclare，I——IwishIknewhowtogetridofthem。"

"Oh，I"lldothat，papa。"

"No，no；itisnotwortharumpus。"

"I"lldoittoopolitelyforthat。Christopher，youareveryclever——TERRIBLYclever。WheneverIthrewtheirmedicinesaway，I

wasalwaysalittlebetterthatday。Iwillsacrificethemtoyou。

ItISasacrifice。Theyarebothsokindandchatty，anddon"tgrudgemehieroglyphics；nowyoudo。"

ShesatdownandwrotetwosweetletterstoDr。SnellandMr。

Wyman，thankingthemforthegreatattentiontheyhadpaidher；butfindingherselfgettingsteadilyworse，inspiteofalltheyhaddoneforher，sheproposedtodiscontinuehermedicinesforatime，andtrychangeofair。

"Andsupposetheycalltoseewhetheryouarechangingtheair?"

"Inthatcase，papa——"notathome。""

Thenoteswereaddressedanddespatched。

ThenDr。Stainesbrightenedup，andsaidtoLusignan，"IamnowhappytotellyouthatIhaveoverratedthemalady。ThesadchangeIseeinMissLusignanispartlyduetothegreatbulkofunwholesomeesculentsshehasbeeneatinganddrinkingundertheheadofmedicines。Thesediscontinued，shemightlingeronforyears，existing，thoughnotliving——thetight-lacedcannotbesaidtolive。Butifshewouldbehealthyandhappy，letherthrowthatdiabolicalmachineintothefire。Itisnouseaskinghertoloosenit；shecan"t。Oncethere，thetemptationistoostrong。

Offwithit，and，takemyword，youwillbeoneofthehealthiestandmostvigorousyoungladiesinEurope。"

Rosalookedrueful，andalmostsullen。Shesaidshehadpartedwithherdoctorsforhim，butshereallycouldnotgoaboutwithoutstays。"Theyareaslooseastheycanbe。See!"

"Thatpartoftheprogrammeisdisposedof，"saidChristopher。

"PleasegoontoNo。2。Howabouttherawredlinewheretheloosemachinehassawedyou?"

"Whatredline?Nosuchthing!Somebodyorotherhasbeenpeepinginatmywindow。I"llhavetheivycutdownto-morrow。"

"Simpleton!"saidMr。Lusignan，angrily。"Youhaveletthecatoutofthebag。Thereissuchamark，then，andthisextraordinaryyoungmanhasdiscerneditwiththeeyeofscience。"

"Heneverdiscerneditatall，"saidRosa，redasfire；"and，whatismore，heneverwill。"

"Idon"twantto。Ishouldbeverysorryto。Ihopeitwillbegoneinaweek。"

"IwishYOUweregonenow——exposingmeinthiscruelway，"saidRosa，angrywithherselfforhavingsaidanidioticthing，andfuriouswithhimforhavingmadehersayit。

"Oh，Rosa!"saidChristopher，inavoiceoftenderestreproach。

ButMr。Lusignaninterferedpromptly。"Rosa，nonoise。Iwillnothaveyousnappingatyourbestfriendandmine。Ifyouareexcited，youhadbetterretiretoyourownroomandcomposeyourself。Ihateaclamor。"

Rosamadeawryfaceatthisrebuke，andthenbegantocryquietly。

EverytearwaslikeadropofbloodfromChristopher"sheart。

"Praydon"tscoldher，sir，"saidhe，readytosnivelhimself。

"Shemeantnothingunkind:itisonlyherprettysprightlyway；andshedidnotreallyimaginealovesoreverentasmine"——

"Don"tYOUinterferebetweenmyfatherandme，"saidthisreasonableyounglady，nowinanungovernablestateoffeminineirritability。

"No，Rosa，"saidChristopher，humbly。"Mr。Lusignan，"saidhe，"I

hopeyouwilltellherthat，fromtheveryfirst，IwasunwillingtoenteronthissubjectwithHER。NeithershenorIcanforgetmydoublecharacter。IhavenotsaidhalfasmuchtoherasIought，beingherphysician；andyetyouseeIhavesaidmorethanshecanbearfromme，who，sheknows，loveherandrevereher。Then，onceforall，doprayletmeputthisdelicatematterintoyourhands:

itisacaseforparentalauthority。"

"Unfatherlytyranny，thatmeans，"saidRosa。"Whatbusinesshavegentlemeninterferinginsuchthings?Itisunheardof。Iwillnotsubmittoit，evenfrompapa。"

"Well，youneednotscreamatme，"saidMr。Lusignan；andheshruggedhisshoulderstoStaines。"Sheisimpracticable，yousee。

IfIdomyduty，therewillbeadisturbance。"

NowthisrousedthebileofDr。Staines。"What，sir!"saidhe，"youcouldseparateherandmebyyourauthority，hereinthisveryroom；andyet，whenherlifeisatstake，youabdicate!Youcouldpartherfromamanwholovedherwitheverydropofhisheart，——

andshesaidshelovedhim，or，atallevents，preferredhimtoothers，——andyoucannotpartherfromamiserablecorset，althoughyouseeinherpoorwastedfacethatitiscarryinghertothechurchyard。Inthatcase，sir，thereisbutonethingforyoutodo，——withdrawyouroppositionandletmemarryher。AsherloverI

ampowerless；butinvestmewithahusband"sauthority，andyouwillsoonseetherosesreturntohercheek，andherelasticfigureexpanding，andhereyebeamingwithhealthandthehappinessthatcomesofperfecthealth。"

Mr。Lusignanmadeananswerneitherofhishearersexpected。Hesaid，"Ihaveagreatmindtotakeyouatyourword。IamtoooldandfondofquiettodriveaSimpletoninsingleharness。"

Thiscontemptuousspeech，and，aboveall，thewordSimpleton，whichhadbeenappliedtoherprettyfreelybyyoungladiesatschool，andalwaysgalledherterribly，inflictedsointolerableawoundonRosa"svanity，thatshewasreadytoburst:onthat，ofcourse，herstayscontributedtheirmiteofphysicaluneasiness。Thusirritatedmindandbody，sheburnedtostrikeinreturn；andasshecouldnotslapherfatherinthepresenceofanother，shegaveitChristopherback-handed。

"Youcanturnmeoutofdoors，"saidshe，"ifyouaretiredofyourdaughter，butIamnotsuchaSIMPLETONastomarryatyrant。No；

hehasshowntheclovenfootintime。Ahusband"sAUTHORITY，indeed!"Thensheturnedherhand，andgaveithimdirect。"Youtoldmeadifferentstorywhenyouwerepayingyourcourttome；

thenyouweretobemyservant，——allhypocriticalsweetness。YouhadbettergoandmarryaCircassianslave。Theydon"twearstays，andtheydoweartrousers；soshewillbeunfeminineenough，evenforyou。NoEnglishladywouldletherhusbanddictatetoheraboutsuchathing。IcanhaveasmanyhusbandsasIlike，withoutfallingintotheclutchesofatyrant。Youarearude，indelicate——

Andsopleaseunderstanditisalloverbetweenyouandme。"

Bothherauditorsstoodaghast，forsheutteredthisconclusionwithadignityofwhichtheopeninggavenopromise，andtheoccasion，weighedinmasculinebalances，wasnotworthy。

"Youdonotmeanthat。Youcannotmeanit，"saidDr。Staines，aghast。

"Idomeanit，"saidshe，firmly；"and，ifyouareagentleman，youwillnotcompelmetosayittwice——threetimes，Imean。"

Atthisdagger-strokeChristopherturnedverypale，buthemaintainedhisdignity。"Iamagentleman，"saidhe，quietly，"andaveryunfortunateone。Good-by，sir；thankyoukindly。Good-by，Rosa；Godblessyou!Oh，praytakeathought!Remember，yourlifeanddeathareinyourownhandnow。Iampowerless。"

Andheleftthehouseinsorrow，andjust，butnotpettish，indignation。

Whenhewasgone，fatheranddaughterlookedateachother，andtherewasthesilencethatsucceedsastorm。

Rosa，feelingthemostuneasy，wasthefirsttoexpresshersatisfaction。"There，HEisgone，andIamgladofit。NowyouandIshallneverquarrelagain。Iwasquiteright。Suchimpertinence!Suchindelicacy!AfineprospectformeifIhadmarriedsuchaman!However，heisgone，andsothere"sanendofit。Theidea!tellingayounglady，beforeherfather，sheistight-laced!IfyouhadnotbeenthereIcouldhaveforgivenhim。

ButIamnot；itisastory。Now，"suddenlyexaltinghervoice，"I

knowyoubelievehim。"

"Isaynothing，"whisperedpapa，hopingtostillherbyexample。

Thisrusedidnotsucceed。

"Butyoulookvolumes，"criedshe:"andIcan"tbearit。Iwon"tbearit。Ifyoudon"tbelieveME，askmyMAID。"Andwiththisfelicitousspeech，sherangthebell。

"You"llbreakthewireifyoudon"tmind，"suggestedherfather，piteously。

"Allthebetter!Whyshouldnotwiresbebrokenaswellasmyheart?Oh，heresheis!Now，Harriet，comehere。"

"Yes，miss。"

"Andtellthetruth。AMItight-laced?"

Harrietlookedinherfaceamomenttoseewhatwasrequiredofher，andthensaid，"Thatyouarenot，miss。Ineverdressedayoungladyaswore"emeasierthanyoudo。"

"There，papa!Thatwilldo，Harriet。"

Harrietretiredasfarasthekeyhole；shesawsomethingwasup。

"Now，"saidRosa，"youseeIwasright；and，afterall，itwasamatchyoudidnotapprove。Well，itisallover，andnowyoumaywritetoyourfavorite，ColonelBright。Ifhecomeshere，I"llboxhisoldears。Ihatehim。Ihatethemall。Forgiveyourwaywardgirl。I"llstaywithyouallmydays。Idaresaythatwillnotbelong，nowIhavequarrelledwithmyguardianangel；andallforwhat?Papa!papa!howCANyousitthereandnotspeakmeonewordofcomfort?"SIMPLETON?"Ah!thatIamtothrowawayaloveaqueenisscarcelyworthyof；andallforwhat?Really，ifitwasn"tfortheingratitudeandwickednessofthething，itistoolaughable。Ha!ha!——oh!oh!oh!——ha!ha!ha!"

Andoffshewentintohysterics，andbegantogulpandchokefrightfully。