第5章

"Well,then,whataretheywaitingfor?Whydon"ttheyleave?Nobody"shindering.Goodland,I"mwillingtoletbygonesbebygones,I"msure."

"Leave,isit?Oh,givethyselfeasementastothat.Theydreamnotofit,no,notthey.Theywaittoyieldthem."

"Come——really,isthat"sooth"——asyoupeoplesay?Iftheywantto,whydon"tthey?"

"Itwouldlikethemmuch;butanyewothowdragonsareesteemed,yewouldnotholdthemblamable.Theyfeartocome."

"Well,then,supposeIgototheminstead,and——"

"Ah,wityewelltheywouldnotabideyourcoming.Iwillgo."

Andshedid.Shewasahandypersontohavealongonaraid.Iwouldhaveconsideredthisadoubtfulerrand,myself.Ipresentlysawtheknightsridingaway,andSandycomingback.Thatwasarelief.Ijudgedshehadsomehowfailedtogetthefirstinnings——Imeanintheconversation;

otherwisetheinterviewwouldn"thavebeensoshort.Butitturnedoutthatshehadmanagedthebusinesswell;infact,admirably.ShesaidthatwhenshetoldthosepeopleIwasTheBoss,ithitthemwheretheylived:

"smotethemsorewithfearanddread"washerword;andthentheywerereadytoputupwithanythingshemightrequire.SoshesworethemtoappearatArthur"scourtwithintwodaysandyieldthem,withhorseandharness,andbemyknightshenceforth,andsubjecttomycommand.HowmuchbettershemanagedthatthingthanIshouldhavedoneitmyself!Shewasadaisy.

AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur"sCourt-Chapter15Chapter15-Sandy"sTaleANDsoI"mproprietorofsomeknights,"saidI,aswerodeoff."WhowouldeverhavesupposedthatIshouldlivetolistupassetsofthatsort.I

shan"tknowwhattodowiththem;unlessIrafflethemoff.Howmanyofthemarethere,Sandy?"

"Seven,pleaseyou,sir,andtheirsquires."

"Itisagoodhaul.Whoarethey?Wheredotheyhangout?"

"Wheredotheyhangout?"

"Yes,wheredotheylive?"

"Ah,Iunderstoodtheenot.ThatwillItelleftsoons."Thenshesaidmusingly,andsoftly,turningthewordsdaintilyoverhertongue:"Hangtheyout——hangtheyout——wherehang——wheredotheyhangout;eh,rightso;wheredotheyhangout.Ofatruththephrasehathafairandwinsomegrace,andisprettilywordedwithal.Iwillrepeatitanonandanoninmineidlesse,wherebyImayperadventurelearnit.Wheredotheyhangout.Evenso!alreadyitfallethtrippinglyfrommytongue,andforasmuchas——"

"Don"tforgetthecowboys,Sandy."

"Cowboys?"

"Yes;theknights,youknow:Youweregoingtotellmeaboutthem.A

whileback,youremember.Figurativelyspeaking,game"scalled."

"Game——"

"Yes,yes,yes!Gotothebat.Imean,gettoworkonyourstatistics,anddon"tburnsomuchkindlinggettingyourfirestarted.Tellmeabouttheknights."

"Iwillwell,andlightlywillbegin.Sotheytwodepartedandrodeintoagreatforest.And——"

"GreatScott!"

Yousee,Irecognizedmymistakeatonce.Ihadsetherworksa-going;

itwasmyownfault;shewouldbethirtydaysgettingdowntothosefacts.

Andshegenerallybeganwithoutaprefaceandfinishedwithoutaresult.

Ifyouinterruptedhershewouldeithergorightalongwithoutnoticing,oranswerwithacoupleofwords,andgobackandsaythesentenceoveragain.So,interruptionsonlydidharm;andyetIhadtointerrupt,andinterruptprettyfrequently,too,inordertosavemylife;apersonwoulddieifhelethermonotonydriponhimrightalongallday.

"GreatScott!"Isaidinmydistress.Shewentrightbackandbeganoveragain:

"Sotheytwodepartedandrodeintoagreatforest.And——"

"WHICHtwo?"

"SirGawaineandSirUwaine.Andsotheycametoanabbeyofmonks,andtherewerewelllodged.Soonthemorntheyheardtheirmassesintheabbey,andsotheyrodeforthtilltheycametoagreatforest;thenwasSirGawainewareinavalleybyaturret,oftwelvefairdamsels,andtwoknightsarmedongreathorses,andthedamselswenttoandfrobyatree.

AndthenwasSirGawainewarehowtherehungawhiteshieldonthattree,andeverasthedamselscamebyittheyspituponit,andsomethrewmireupontheshield——"

"Now,ifIhadn"tseenthelikemyselfinthiscountry,Sandy,Iwouldn"tbelieveit.ButI"veseenit,andIcanjustseethosecreaturesnow,paradingbeforethatshieldandactinglikethat.Thewomenheredocertainlyactlikeallpossessed.Yes,andImeanyourbest,too,society"sverychoicestbrands.Thehumblesthello-girlalongtenthousandmilesofwirecouldteachgentleness,patience,modesty,manners,tothehighestduchessinArthur"sland."

"Hello-girl?"

"Yes,butdon"tyouaskmetoexplain;it"sanewkindofagirl;theydon"thavethemhere;oneoftenspeakssharplytothemwhentheyarenottheleastinfault,andhecan"tgetoverfeelingsorryforitandashamedofhimselfinthirteenhundredyears,it"ssuchshabbymeanconductandsounprovoked;thefactis,nogentlemaneverdoesit——thoughI——well,Imyself,ifI"vegottoconfess——"

"Peradventureshe——"

"Nevermindher;nevermindher;ItellyouIcouldn"teverexplainhersoyouwouldunderstand."

"Evensobeit,sithyearesominded.ThenSirGawaineandSirUwainewentandsalutedthem,andaskedthemwhytheydidthatdespitetotheshield.Sirs,saidthedamsels,weshalltellyou.Thereisaknightinthiscountrythatowneththiswhiteshield,andheisapassinggoodmanofhishands,buthehatethallladiesandgentlewomen,andthereforewedoallthisdespitetotheshield.Iwillsayyou,saidSirGawaine,itbeseemethevilagoodknighttodespiseallladiesandgentlewomen,andperadventurethoughhehateyouhehathsomecause,andperadventurehelovethinsomeotherplacesladiesandgentlewomen,andtobelovedagain,andhesuchamanofprowessasyespeakof——"

"Manofprowess——yes,thatisthemantopleasethem,Sandy.Manofbrains——thatisathingtheyneverthinkof.TomSayers——JohnHeenan——JohnL.Sullivan——pitybutyoucouldbehere.YouwouldhaveyourlegsundertheRoundTableanda"Sir"infrontofyournameswithinthetwenty-fourhours;andyoucouldbringaboutanewdistributionofthemarriedprincessesandduchessesoftheCourtinanothertwenty-four.Thefactis,itisjustasortofpolished-upcourtofComanches,andthereisn"tasquawinitwhodoesn"tstandreadyatthedroppingofahattodeserttothebuckwiththebiggeststringofscalpsathisbelt."

"——andhebesuchamanofprowessasyespeakof,saidSirGawaine.

Now,whatishisname?Sir,saidthey,hisnameisMarhaustheking"ssonofIreland."

"SonofthekingofIreland,youmean;theotherformdoesn"tmeananything.

Andlookoutandholdontight,now,wemustjumpthisgullyThere,weareallrightnow.Thishorsebelongsinthecircus;heisbornbeforehistime."

"Iknowhimwell,saidSirUwaine,heisapassinggoodknightasanyisonlive."

"ONLIVE.Ifyou"vegotafaultintheworld,Sandy,itisthatyouareashadetooarchaic.Butitisn"tanymatter."

"——forIsawhimonceprovedatajustswheremanyknightsweregathered,andthattimetheremightnomanwithstandhim.Ah,saidSirGawaine,damsels,methinkethyearetoblame,foritistosupposehethathungthatshieldtherewillnotbelongtherefrom,andthenmaythoseknightsmatchhimonhorseback,andthatismoreyourworshipthanthus;forIwillabidenolongertoseeaknight"sshielddishonored.AndtherewithSirUwaineandSirGawainedepartedalittlefromthem,andthenweretheywarewhereSirMarhauscameridingonagreathorsestraighttowardthem.AndwhenthetwelvedamselssawSirMarhaustheyfledintotheturretastheywerewild,sothatsomeofthemfellbytheway.Thentheoneoftheknightsofthetowerdressedhisshield,andsaidonhigh,SirMarhausdefendthee.

AndsotheyrantogetherthattheknightbrakehisspearonMarhaus,andSirMarhaussmotehimsohardthathebrakehisneckandthehorse"sback——"

"Well,thatisjustthetroubleaboutthisstateofthings,itruinssomanyhorses."

"Thatsawtheotherknightoftheturret,anddressedhimtowardMarhaus,andtheywentsoeagerlytogether,thattheknightoftheturretwassoonsmittendown,horseandman,starkdead——"

"ANOTHERhorsegone;Itellyouitisacustomthatoughttobebrokenup.Idon"tseehowpeoplewithanyfeelingcanapplaudandsupportit."

"Sothesetwoknightscametogetherwithgreatrandom——"

IsawthatIhadbeenasleepandmissedachapter,butIdidn"tsayanything.IjudgedthattheIrishknightwasintroublewiththevisitorsbythistime,andthisturnedouttobethecase.

"——thatSirUwainesmoteSirMarhausthathisspearbrastinpiecesontheshield,andSirMarhaussmotehimsosorethathorseandmanhebaretotheearth,andhurtSirUwaineontheleftside——

"Thetruthis,Alisande,thesearchaicsarealittleTOOsimple;thevocabularyistoolimited,andso,byconsequence,descriptionssufferinthematterofvariety;theyruntoomuchtolevelSaharasoffact,andnotenoughtopicturesquedetail;thisthrowsaboutthemacertainairofthemonotonous;infactthefightsareallalike:acoupleofpeoplecometogetherwithgreatrandom——randomisagoodword,andsoisexegesis,forthatmatter,andsoisholocaust,anddefalcation,andusufructandahundredothers,butland!abodyoughttodiscriminate——theycometogetherwithgreatrandom,andaspearisbrast,andonepartybrakehisshieldandtheotheronegoesdown,horseandman,overhishorse-tailandbrakehisneck,andthenthenextcandidatecomesrandomingin,andbrastHIS

spear,andtheothermanbrasthisshield,anddownHEgoes,horseandman,overhishorse-tail,andbrakeHISneck,andthenthere"sanotherelected,andanotherandanotherandstillanother,tillthematerialisallusedup;andwhenyoucometofigureupresults,youcan"ttellonefightfromanother,norwhowhipped;andasaPICTURE,ofliving,raging,roaringbattle,sho!why,it"spaleandnoiseless——justghostsscufflinginafog.Dearme,whatwouldthisbarrenvocabularygetoutofthemightiestspectacle?——theburningofRomeinNero"stime,forinstance?Why,itwouldmerelysay,"Townburneddown;noinsurance;boybrastawindow,firemanbrakehisneck!"Why,THATain"tapicture!"

Itwasagooddealofalecture,Ithought,butitdidn"tdisturbSandy,didn"tturnafeather;hersteamsoaredsteadilyupagain,theminuteI

tookoffthelid:

"ThenSirMarhausturnedhishorseandrodetowardGawainewithhisspear.AndwhenSirGawainesawthat,hedressedhisshield,andtheyaventredtheirspears,andtheycametogetherwithallthemightoftheirhorses,thateitherknightsmoteothersohardinthemidstoftheirshields,butSirGawaine"sspearbrake——"

"Iknewitwould."——

"butSirMarhaus"sspearheld;andtherewithSirGawaineandhishorserusheddowntotheearth——"

"Justso——andbrakehisback."——

"andlightlySirGawaineroseuponhisfeetandpulledouthissword,anddressedhimtowardSirMarhausonfoot,andtherewitheithercameuntoothereagerly,andsmotetogetherwiththeirswords,thattheirshieldsflewincantels,andtheybruisedtheirhelmsandtheirhauberks,andwoundedeitherother.ButSirGawaine,froitpassednineoftheclock,waxedbythespaceofthreehourseverstrongerandstronger.andthricehismightwasincreased.AllthisespiedSirMarhaus,andhadgreatwonderhowhismightincreased,andsotheywoundedotherpassingsore;andthenwhenitwascomenoon——"

Thepeltingsing-songofitcarriedmeforwardtoscenesandsoundsofmyboyhooddays:

"N-e-e-ewHaven!tenminutesforrefreshments——knductr"llstrikethegong-belltwominutesbeforetrainleaves——passengersfortheShorelinepleasetakeseatsinthereark"yar,thisk"yardon"tgonofurder——AHH-

pls,AW-rnjz,b"NANners,S-A-N-D"ches,p——OP-corn!"——

"andwaxedpastnoonanddrewtowardevensong.SirGawaine"sstrengthfeebledandwaxedpassingfaint,thatunnetheshemightdureanylonger,andSirMarhauswasthenbiggerandbigger——"

"Whichstrainedhisarmor,ofcourse;andyetlittlewouldoneofthesepeoplemindasmallthinglikethat."——

"andso,SirKnight,saidSirMarhaus,Ihavewellfeltthatyeareapassinggoodknight,andamarvelousmanofmightaseverIfeltany,whileitlasteth,andourquarrelsarenotgreat,andthereforeitwereapitytodoyouhurt,forIfeelyouarepassingfeeble.Ah,saidSirGawaine,gentleknight,yesaythewordthatIshouldsay.Andtherewiththeytookofftheirhelmsandeitherkissedother,andtheretheysworetogethereithertoloveotherasbrethren——"

ButIlostthethreadthere,anddozedofftoslumber,thinkingaboutwhatapityitwasthatmenwithsuchsuperbstrength——strengthenablingthemtostandupcasedincruellyburdensomeironanddrenchedwithperspiration,andhackandbatterandbangeachotherforsixhoursonastretch——shouldnothavebeenbornatatimewhentheycouldputittosomeusefulpurpose.

Takeajackass,forinstance:ajackasshasthatkindofstrength,andputsittoausefulpurpose,andisvaluabletothisworldbecauseheisajackass;butanoblemanisnotvaluablebecauseheisajackass.Itisamixturethatisalwaysineffectual,andshouldneverhavebeenattemptedinthefirstplace.Andyet,onceyoustartamistake,thetroubleisdoneandyouneverknowwhatisgoingtocomeofit.

WhenIcametomyselfagainandbegantolisten,IperceivedthatI

hadlostanotherchapter,andthatAlisandehadwanderedalongwayoffwithherpeople.

"Andsotheyrodeandcameintoadeepvalleyfullofstones,andtherebytheysawafairstreamofwater;abovetherebywastheheadofthestream,afairfountain,andthreedamselssittingthereby.Inthiscountry,saidSirMarhaus,cameneverknightsinceitwaschristened,buthefoundstrangeadventures——"

"Thisisnotgoodform,Alisande.SirMarhaustheking"ssonofIrelandtalkslikealltherest;yououghttogivehimabrogue,oratleastacharacteristicexpletive;bythismeansonewouldrecognizehimassoonashespoke,withouthiseverbeingnamed.Itisacommonliterarydevicewiththegreatauthors.Youshouldmakehimsay,"Inthiscountry,bejabers,cameneverknightsinceitwaschristened,buthefoundstrangeadventures,bejabers."Youseehowmuchbetterthatsounds."——

"cameneverknightbuthefoundstrangeadventures,bejabers.Ofatruthitdothindeed,fairlord,albeit"tispassinghardtosay,thoughperadventurethatwillnottarrybutbetterspeedwithusage.Andthentheyrodetothedamsels,andeithersalutedother,andtheeldesthadagarlandofgoldaboutherhead,andshewasthreescorewinterofageormore——"

"TheDAMSELwas?"

"Evenso,dearlord——andherhairwaswhiteunderthegarland——"

"Celluloidteeth,ninedollarsaset,aslikeasnot——theloose-fitkind,thatgoupanddownlikeaportculliswhenyoueat,andfalloutwhenyoulaugh."

"Theseconddamselwasofthirtywinterofage,withacircletofgoldaboutherhead.Thethirddamselwasbutfifteenyearofage——"

Billowsofthoughtcamerollingovermysoul,andthevoicefadedoutofmyhearing!

Fifteen!Break——myheart!oh,mylostdarling!Justheragewhowassogentle,andlovely,andalltheworldtome,andwhomIshallneverseeagain!Howthethoughtofhercarriesmebackoverwideseasofmemorytoavaguedimtime,ahappytime,somany,manycenturieshence,whenIusedtowakeinthesoftsummermornings,outofsweetdreamsofher,andsay"Hello,Central!"justtohearherdearvoicecomemeltingbacktomewitha"Hello,Hank!"thatwasmusicofthespherestomyenchantedear.Shegotthreedollarsaweek,butshewasworthit.

IcouldnotfollowAlisande"sfurtherexplanationofwhoourcapturedknightswere,now——Imeanincasesheshouldevergettoexplainingwhotheywere.Myinterestwasgone,mythoughtswerefaraway,andsad.Byfitfulglimpsesofthedriftingtale,caughthereandthereandnowandthen,Imerelynotedinavaguewaythateachofthesethreeknightstookoneofthesethreedamselsupbehindhimonhishorse,andonerodenorth,anothereast,theothersouth,toseekadventures,andmeetagainandlie,afteryearandday.Yearandday——andwithoutbaggage.Itwasofapiecewiththegeneralsimplicityofthecountry.

Thesunwasnowsetting.ItwasaboutthreeintheafternoonwhenAlisandehadbeguntotellmewhothecowboyswere;soshehadmadeprettygoodprogresswithit——forher.Shewouldarrivesometimeorother,nodoubt,butshewasnotapersonwhocouldbehurried.

Wewereapproachingacastlewhichstoodonhighground;ahuge,strong,venerablestructure,whosegraytowersandbattlementswerecharminglydrapedwithivy,andwhosewholemajesticmasswasdrenchedwithsplendorsflungfromthesinkingsun.Itwasthelargestcastlewehadseen,andsoIthoughtitmightbetheonewewereafter,butSandysaidno.Shedidnotknowwhoownedit;shesaidshehadpasseditwithoutcalling,whenshewentdowntoCamelot.

AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur"sCourt-Chapter16Chapter16-MorganLeFayIFknightserrantweretobebelieved,notallcastlesweredesirableplacestoseekhospitalityin.Asamatteroffact,knightserrantwereNOTpersonstobebelieved——thatis,measuredbymodernstandardsofveracity;yet,measuredbythestandardsoftheirowntime,andscaledaccordingly,yougotthetruth.Itwasverysimple:youdiscountedastatementninetysevenpercent.;therestwasfact.Nowaftermakingthisallowance,thetruthremainedthatifIcouldfindoutsomethingaboutacastlebeforeringingthedoorbell——Imeanhailingthewarders——itwasthesensiblethingtodo.SoIwaspleasedwhenIsawinthedistanceahorsemanmakingthebottomturnoftheroadthatwounddownfromthiscastle.

Asweapproachedeachother,Isawthatheworeaplumedhelmet,andseemedtobeotherwiseclothedinsteel,butboreacuriousadditionalso——astiffsquaregarmentlikeaherald"stabard.However,IhadtosmileatmyownforgetfulnesswhenIgotnearerandreadthissignonhistabard:

"Persimmon"sSoap——AllthePrime-DonnaUseIt."

Thatwasalittleideaofmyown,andhadseveralwholesomepurposesinviewtowardthecivilizingandupliftingofthisnation.Inthefirstplace,itwasafurtive,underhandblowatthisnonsenseofknighterrantry,thoughnobodysuspectedthatbutme.Ihadstartedanumberofthesepeopleout——thebravestknightsIcouldget——eachsandwichedbetweenbulletin-boardsbearingonedeviceoranother,andIjudgedthatbyandbywhentheygottobenumerousenoughtheywouldbegintolookridiculous;andthen,eventhesteel-cladassthatHADN"Tanyboardwouldhimselfbegintolookridiculousbecausehewasoutofthefashion.

Secondly,thesemissionarieswouldgradually,andwithoutcreatingsuspicionorexcitingalarm,introducearudimentarycleanlinessamongthenobility,andfromthemitwouldworkdowntothepeople,ifthepriestscouldbekeptquiet.ThiswouldunderminetheChurch.Imeanwouldbeasteptowardthat.Next,education——next,freedom——andthenshewouldbegintocrumble.

ItbeingmyconvictionthatanyEstablishedChurchisanestablishedcrime,anestablishedslave-pen,Ihadnoscruples,butwaswillingtoassailitinanywayorwithanyweaponthatpromisedtohurtit.Why,inmyownformerday——inremotecenturiesnotyetstirringinthewomboftime——therewereoldEnglishmenwhoimaginedthattheyhadbeenborninafreecountry:a"free"countrywiththeCorporationActandtheTeststillinforceinit——timbersproppedagainstmen"slibertiesanddishonoredconsciencestoshoreupanEstablishedAnachronismwith.

Mymissionariesweretaughttospelloutthegiltsignsontheirtabards——theshowygildingwasaneatidea,Icouldhavegotthekingtowearabulletin-boardforthesakeofthatbarbaricsplendor——theyweretospelloutthesesignsandthenexplaintothelordsandladieswhatsoapwas;andifthelordsandladieswereafraidofit,getthemtotryitonadog.Themissionary"snextmovewastogetthefamilytogetherandtryitonhimself;hewastostopatnoexperiment,howeverdesperate.

thatcouldconvincethenobilitythatsoapwasharmless;ifanyfinaldoubtremained,hemustcatchahermit——thewoodswerefullofthem;saintstheycalledthemselves,andsaintstheywerebelievedtobe.Theywereunspeakablyholy,andworkedmiracles,andeverybodystoodinaweofthem.

Ifahermitcouldsurviveawash,andthatfailedtoconvinceaduke,givehimup,lethimalone.

Whenevermymissionariesovercameaknighterrantontheroadtheywashedhim,andwhenhegotwelltheysworehimtogoandgetabulletin-boardanddisseminatesoapandcivilizationtherestofhisdays.Asaconsequencetheworkersinthefieldwereincreasingbydegrees,andthereformwassteadilyspreading.Mysoapfactoryfeltthestrainearly.AtfirstIhadonlytwohands;butbeforeIhadlefthomeIwasalreadyemployingfifteen,andrunningnightandday;andtheatmosphericresultwasgettingsopronouncedthatthekingwentsortoffaintingandgaspingaroundandsaidhedidnotbelievehecouldstanditmuchlonger,andSirLauncelotgotsothathedidhardlyanythingbutwalkupanddowntheroofandswear,althoughItoldhimitwasworseuptherethananywhereelse,buthesaidhewantedplentyofair;andhewasalwayscomplainingthatapalacewasnoplaceforasoapfactoryanyway,andsaidifamanwastostartoneinhishousehewouldbedamnedifhewouldn"tstranglehim.Therewereladiespresent,too,butmuchthesepeopleevercaredforthat;theywouldswearbeforechildren,ifthewindwastheirwaywhenthefactorywasgoing.

Thismissionaryknight"snamewasLaCoteMaleTaile,andhesaidthatthiscastlewastheabodeofMorganleFay,sisterofKingArthur,andwifeofKingUriens.monarchofarealmaboutasbigastheDistrictofColumbia——youcouldstandinthemiddleofitandthrowbricksintothenextkingdom."Kings"and"Kingdoms"wereasthickinBritainastheyhadbeeninlittlePalestineinJoshua"stime,whenpeoplehadtosleepwiththeirkneespulledupbecausetheycouldn"tstretchoutwithoutapassport.

LaCotewasmuchdepressed,forhehadscoredheretheworstfailureofhiscampaign.Hehadnotworkedoffacake;yethehadtriedallthetricksofthetrade,eventothewashingofahermit;butthehermitdied.

Thiswas,indeed,abadfailure,forthisanimalwouldnowbedubbedamartyr,andwouldtakehisplaceamongthesaintsoftheRomancalendar.

Thusmadehehismoan,thispoorSirLaCoteMaleTaile,andsorrowedpassingsore.Andsomyheartbledforhim,andIwasmovedtocomfortandstayhim.WhereforeIsaid:

"Forbeartogrieve,fairknight,forthisisnotadefeat.Wehavebrains,youandI;andforsuchashavebrainstherearenodefeats,butonlyvictories.

Observehowwewillturnthisseemingdisasterintoanadvertisement;anadvertisementforoursoap;andthebiggestone,todraw,thatwaseverthoughtof;anadvertisementthatwilltransformthatMountWashingtondefeatintoaMatterhornvictory.Wewillputonyourbulletin-board,"PATRONIZED

BYTHEELECT."Howdoesthatstrikeyou?"

"Verily,itiswonderlybethought!"

"Well,abodyisboundtoadmitthatforjustamodestlittleone-linead.,it"sacorker."

Sothepoorcolporteur"sgriefsvanishedaway.Hewasabravefellow,andhaddonemightyfeatsofarmsinhistime.Hischiefcelebrityrestedupontheeventsofanexcursionlikethisoneofmine,whichhehadoncemadewithadamselnamedMaledisant,whowasashandywithhertongueaswasSandy,thoughinadifferentway,forhertonguechurnedforthonlyrailingsandinsult,whereasSandy"smusicwasofakindliersort.Iknewhisstorywell,andsoIknewhowtointerpretthecompassionthatwasinhisfacewhenhebademefarewell.HesupposedIwashavingabitterhardtimeofit.

SandyandIdiscussedhisstory,aswerodealong,andshesaidthatLaCote"sbadluckhadbegunwiththeverybeginningofthattrip;fortheking"sfoolhadoverthrownhimonthefirstday,andinsuchcasesitwascustomaryforthegirltodeserttotheconqueror,butMaledisantdidn"tdoit;andalsopersistedafterwardinstickingtohim,afterallhisdefeats.But,saidI,supposethevictorshoulddeclinetoaccepthisspoil?Shesaidthatthatwouldn"tanswer——hemust.Hecouldn"tdecline;

itwouldn"tberegular.Imadeanoteofthat.IfSandy"smusicgottobetooburdensome,sometime,Iwouldletaknightdefeatme,onthechancethatshewoulddeserttohim.

Induetimewewerechallengedbythewarders,fromthecastlewalls,andafteraparleyadmitted.Ihavenothingpleasanttotellaboutthatvisit.Butitwasnotadisappointment,forIknewMrs.leFaybyreputation,andwasnotexpectinganythingpleasant.Shewasheldinawebythewholerealm,forshehadmadeeverybodybelieveshewasagreatsorceress.Allherwayswerewicked,allherinstinctsdevilish.Shewasloadedtotheeyelidswithcoldmalice.Allherhistorywasblackwithcrime;andamonghercrimesmurderwascommon.Iwasmostcurioustoseeher;ascuriousasIcouldhavebeentoseeSatan.Tomysurpriseshewasbeautiful;blackthoughtshadfailedtomakeherexpressionrepulsive,agehadfailedtowrinklehersatinskinormaritsbloomyfreshness.ShecouldhavepassedforoldUriens"granddaughter,shecouldhavebeenmistakenforsistertoherownson.

Assoonaswewerefairlywithinthecastlegateswewereorderedintoherpresence.KingUrienswasthere,akind-facedoldmanwithasubduedlook;andalsotheson,SirUwaineleBlanchemains,inwhomIwas,ofcourse,interestedonaccountofthetraditionthathehadoncedonebattlewiththirtyknights,andalsoonaccountofhistripwithSirGawaineandSirMarhaus,whichSandyhadbeenagingmewith.ButMorganwasthemainattraction,theconspicuouspersonalityhere;shewasheadchiefofthishousehold,thatwasplain.Shecausedustobeseated,andthenshebegan,withallmannerofprettygracesandgraciousnesses,toaskmequestions.Dearme,itwaslikeabirdoraflute,orsomething,talking.Ifeltpersuadedthatthiswomanmusthavebeenmisrepresented,liedabout.Shetrilledalong,andtrilledalong,andpresentlyahandsomeyoungpage,clothedliketherainbow,andaseasyandundulatoryofmovementasawave,camewithsomethingonagoldensalver,and,kneelingtopresentittoher,overdidhisgracesandlosthisbalance,andsofelllightlyagainstherknee.Sheslippedadirkintohiminasmatter-of-courseawayasanotherpersonwouldhaveharpoonedarat!

Poorchild!heslumpedtothefloor,twistedhissilkenlimbsinonegreatstrainingcontortionofpain,andwasdead.Outoftheoldkingwaswrunganinvoluntary"O-h!"ofcompassion.Thelookhegot,madehimcutitsuddenlyshortandnotputanymorehyphensinit.SirUwaine,atasignfromhismother,wenttotheanteroomandcalledsomeservants,andmeanwhilemadamewentripplingsweetlyalongwithhertalk.

Isawthatshewasagoodhousekeeper,forwhileshetalkedshekeptacornerofhereyeontheservantstoseethattheymadenobalksinhandlingthebodyandgettingitout;whentheycamewithfreshcleantowels,shesentbackfortheotherkind;andwhentheyhadfinishedwipingthefloorandweregoing,sheindicatedacrimsonfleckthesizeofatearwhichtheirdullereyeshadoverlooked.ItwasplaintomethatLaCoteMaleTailehadfailedtoseethemistressofthehouse.Often,howlouderandclearerthananytongue,doesdumbcircumstantialevidencespeak.

MorganleFayrippledalongasmusicallyasever.Marvelouswoman.Andwhataglanceshehad:whenitfellinreproofuponthoseservants,theyshrunkandquailedastimidpeopledowhenthelightningflashesoutofacloud.Icouldhavegotthehabitmyself.ItwasthesamewiththatpooroldBrerUriens;hewasalwaysontheraggededgeofapprehension;shecouldnoteventurntowardhimbuthewinced.

InthemidstofthetalkIletdropacomplimentarywordaboutKingArthur,forgettingforthemomenthowthiswomanhatedherbrother.Thatonelittlecomplimentwasenough.Shecloudeduplikestorm;shecalledforherguards,andsaid:

"Halemethesevarletstothedungeons."

Thatstruckcoldonmyears,forherdungeonshadareputation.Nothingoccurredtometosay——ordo.ButnotsowithSandy.Astheguardlaidahanduponme,shepipedupwiththetranquilestconfidence,andsaid:

"God"swounds,dostthoucovetdestruction,thoumaniac?ItisTheBoss!"

Nowwhatahappyideathatwas!——andsosimple;yetitwouldneverhaveoccurredtome.Iwasbornmodest;notallover,butinspots;andthiswasoneofthespots.

Theeffectuponmadamewaselectrical.Itclearedhercountenanceandbroughtbackhersmilesandallherpersuasivegracesandblandishments;

butneverthelessshewasnotabletoentirelycoverupwiththemthefactthatshewasinaghastlyfright.Shesaid:

"La,butdolisttothinehandmaid!asifonegiftedwithpowersliketominemightsaythethingwhichIhavesaiduntoonewhohasvanquishedMerlin,andnotbejesting.BymineenchantmentsIforesawyourcoming,andbythemIknewyouwhenyouenteredhere.Ididbutplaythislittlejestwithhopetosurpriseyouintosomedisplayofyourart,asnotdoubtingyouwouldblasttheguardswithoccultfires,consumingthemtoashesonthespot,amarvelmuchbeyondmineownability,yetonewhichIhavelongbeenchildishlycurioustosee."

Theguardswerelesscurious,andgotoutassoonastheygotpermission.

AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur"sCourt-Chapter17Chapter17-ARoyalBanquetMADAME,seeingmepacificandunresentful,nodoubtjudgedthatIwasdeceivedbyherexcuse;forherfrightdissolvedaway,andshewassoonsoimportunatetohavemegiveanexhibitionandkillsomebody,thatthethinggrewtobeembarrassing.However,tomyreliefshewaspresentlyinterruptedbythecalltoprayers.Iwillsaythismuchforthenobility:that,tyrannical,murderous,rapacious,andmorallyrottenastheywere,theyweredeeplyandenthusiasticallyreligious.NothingcoulddivertthemfromtheregularandfaithfulperformanceofthepietiesenjoinedbytheChurch.MorethanonceIhadseenanoblewhohadgottenhisenemyatadisadvantage,stoptopraybeforecuttinghisthroat;morethanonceIhadseenanoble,afterambushinganddespatchinghisenemy,retiretothenearestwaysideshrineandhumblygivethanks,withoutevenwaitingtorobthebody.TherewastobenothingfinerorsweeterinthelifeofevenBenvenutoCellini,thatrough-hewnsaint,tencenturieslater.AllthenoblesofBritain,withtheirfamilies,attendeddivineservicemorningandnightdaily,intheirprivatechapels,andeventheworstofthemhadfamilyworshipfiveorsixtimesadaybesides.ThecreditofthisbelongedentirelytotheChurch.

AlthoughIwasnofriendtothatCatholicChurch,Iwasobligedtoadmitthis.Andoften,inspiteofme,Ifoundmyselfsaying,"WhatwouldthiscountrybewithouttheChurch?"

Afterprayerswehaddinnerinagreatbanquetinghallwhichwaslightedbyhundredsofgrease-jets,andeverythingwasasfineandlavishandrudelysplendidasmightbecometheroyaldegreeofthehosts.Attheheadofthehall,onadais,wasthetableoftheking,queen,andtheirson,PrinceUwaine.Stretchingdownthehallfromthis,wasthegeneraltable,onthefloor.Atthis,abovethesalt,satthevisitingnoblesandthegrownmembersoftheirfamilies,ofbothsexes,——theresidentCourt,ineffect——sixty-onepersons;belowthesaltsatminorofficersofthehousehold,withtheirprincipalsubordinates:altogetherahundredandeighteenpersonssitting,andaboutasmanyliveriedservantsstandingbehindtheirchairs,orservinginonecapacityoranother.Itwasaveryfineshow.Inagalleryabandwithcymbals,horns,harps,andotherhorrors,openedtheproceedingswithwhatseemedtobethecrudefirst-draftororiginalagonyofthewailknowntolatercenturiesas"IntheSweetByeandBye."Itwasnew,andoughttohavebeenrehearsedalittlemore.Forsomereasonorotherthequeenhadthecomposerhanged,afterdinner.

Afterthismusic,thepriestwhostoodbehindtheroyaltablesaidanoblelonggraceinostensibleLatin.Thenthebattalionofwaitersbrokeawayfromtheirposts,anddarted,rushed,flew,fetchedandcarried,andthemightyfeedingbegan;nowordsanywhere,butabsorbingattentiontobusiness.Therowsofchopsopenedandshutinvastunison,andthesoundofitwasliketothemuffledburrofsubterraneanmachinery.

Thehavoccontinuedanhourandahalf,andunimaginablewasthedestructionofsubstantials.Ofthechieffeatureofthefeast——thehugewildboarthatlaystretchedoutsoportlyandimposingatthestart——nothingwasleftbutthesemblanceofahoop-skirt;andhewasbutthetypeandsymbolofwhathadhappenedtoalltheotherdishes.

Withthepastriesandsoon,theheavydrinkingbegan——andthetalk.

Gallonaftergallonofwineandmeaddisappeared,andeverybodygotcomfortable,thenhappy,thensparklinglyjoyous——bothsexes,——andbyandbyprettynoisy.Mentoldanecdotesthatwereterrifictohear,butnobodyblushed;

andwhenthenubwassprung,theassemblageletgowithahorse-laughthatshookthefortress.LadiesansweredbackwithhistoriettesthatwouldalmosthavemadeQueenMargaretofNavarreoreventhegreatElizabethofEnglandhidebehindahandkerchief,butnobodyhidhere,butonlylaughed——howled,youmaysay.Inprettymuchallofthesedreadfulstories,ecclesiasticswerethehardyheroes,butthatdidn"tworrythechaplainany,hehadhislaughwiththerest;morethanthat,uponinvitationheroaredoutasongwhichwasofasdaringasortasanythatwassungthatnight.

Bymidnighteverybodywasfaggedout,andsorewithlaughing;and,asarule,drunk:someweepingly,someaffectionately,somehilariously,somequarrelsomely,somedeadandunderthetable.Oftheladies,theworstspectaclewasalovelyyoungduchess,whosewedding-evethiswas;andindeedshewasaspectacle,sureenough.JustasshewasshecouldhavesatinadvancefortheportraitoftheyoungdaughteroftheRegentd"Orleans,atthefamousdinnerwhenceshewascarried,foul-mouthed,intoxicated,andhelpless,toherbed,inthelostandlamenteddaysoftheAncientRegime.

Suddenly,evenwhilethepriestwasliftinghishands,andallconsciousheadswerebowedinreverentexpectationofthecomingblessing,thereappearedunderthearchofthefar-offdooratthebottomofthehallanoldandbentandwhite-hairedlady,leaninguponacrutch-stick;andsheliftedthestickandpointedittowardthequeenandcriedout:

"ThewrathandcurseofGodfalluponyou,womanwithoutpity,whohaveslainmineinnocentgrandchildandmadedesolatethisoldheartthathadnorchick,norfriendnorstaynorcomfortinallthisworldbuthim!"

Everybodycrossedhimselfinagrislyfright,foracursewasanawfulthingtothosepeople;butthequeenroseupmajestic,withthedeath-lightinhereye,andflungbackthisruthlesscommand:

"Layhandsonher!Tothestakewithher!"

Theguardslefttheirpoststoobey.Itwasashame;itwasacruelthingtosee.Whatcouldbedone?Sandygavemealook;Iknewshehadanotherinspiration.Isaid:

"Dowhatyouchoose."