第4章

"I?IntruthIknownot,butanitwerethewillofGod."

"Yes,yes,Ireckonthat"saboutthesizeofit.Don"tmindmyseemingexcited;I"mnot.Letuschangethesubject.Nowastothiscastle,withfortyfiveprincessesinit,andthreeogresattheheadofit,tellme——whereisthisharem?"

"Harem?"

"TheCASTLE,youunderstand;whereisthecastle?"

"Oh,astothat,itisgreat,andstrong,andwellbeseen,andliethinafarcountry.Yes,itismanyleagues."

"HOWmany?"

"Ah,fairsir,itwerewoundilyhardtotell,theyaresomany,anddosolaptheoneupontheother,andbeingmadeallinthesameimageandtinctedwiththesamecolor,onemaynotknowtheoneleaguefromitsfellow,norhowtocountthemexcepttheybetakenapart,andyewitwellitwereGod"sworktodothat,beingnotwithinman"scapacity;foryewillnote——"

"Holdon,holdon,nevermindaboutthedistance;WHEREABOUTSdoesthecastlelie?What"sthedirectionfromhere?"

"Ah,pleaseyousir,ithathnodirectionfromhere;byreasonthattheroadliethnotstraight,butturnethevermore;whereforethedirectionofitsplaceabidethnot,butissometimeundertheoneskyandanonunderanother,wheresoifyebemindedthatitisintheeast,andwendthitherward,yeshallobservethatthewayoftheroaddothyetagainturnuponitselfbythespaceofhalfacircle,andthismarvelhappingagainandyetagainandstillagain,itwillgrieveyouthatyouhadthoughtbyvanitiesofthemindtothwartandbringtonaughtthewillofHimthatgivethnotacastleadirectionfromaplaceexceptitpleasethHim,andifitpleaseHimnot,willtheratherthatevenallcastlesandalldirectionsthereuntovanishoutoftheearth,leavingtheplaceswhereintheytarrieddesolateandvacant,sowarningHiscreaturesthatwhereHewillHewill,andwhereHewillnotHe——"

"Oh,that"sallright,that"sallright,giveusarest;nevermindaboutthedirection,HANGthedirection——Ibegpardon,Ibegathousandpardons,Iamnotwellto-day;paynoattentionwhenIsoliloquize,itisanoldhabit,anold,badhabit,andhardtogetridofwhenone"sdigestionisalldisorderedwitheatingfoodthatwasraisedforeverandeverbeforehewasborn;goodland!amancan"tkeephisfunctionsregularonspringchickensthirteenhundredyearsold.Butcome——nevermindaboutthat;

let"s——haveyougotsuchathingasamapofthatregionaboutyou?Nowagoodmap——"

"Isitperadventurethatmannerofthingwhichoflatetheunbelievershavebroughtfromoverthegreatseas,which,beingboiledinoil,andanonionandsaltaddedthereto,doth——"

"What,amap?Whatareyoutalkingabout?Don"tyouknowwhatamapis?There,there,nevermind,don"texplain,Ihateexplanations;theyfogathingupsothatyoucan"ttellanythingaboutit.Runalong,dear;

good-day;showhertheway,Clarence."

Oh,well,itwasreasonablyplain,now,whythesedonkeysdidn"tprospecttheseliarsfordetails.Itmaybethatthisgirlhadafactinhersomewhere,butIdon"tbelieveyoucouldhavesluiceditoutwithahydraulic;norgotitwiththeearlierformsofblasting,even;itwasacasefordynamite.

Why,shewasaperfectass;andyetthekingandhisknightshadlistenedtoherasifshehadbeenaleafoutofthegospel.Itkindofsizesupthewholeparty.Andthinkofthesimplewaysofthiscourt:thiswanderingwenchhadn"tanymoretroubletogetaccesstothekinginhispalacethanshewouldhavehadtogetintothepoorhouseinmydayandcountry.Infact,hewasgladtoseeher,gladtohearhertale;withthatadventureofherstooffer,shewasaswelcomeasacorpseistoacoroner.

JustasIwasending-upthesereflections,Clarencecameback.Iremarkeduponthebarrenresultofmyeffortswiththegirl;hadn"tgotholdofasinglepointthatcouldhelpmetofindthecastle.Theyouthlookedalittlesurprised,orpuzzled,orsomething,andintimatedthathehadbeenwonderingtohimselfwhatIhadwantedtoaskthegirlallthosequestionsfor.

"Why,greatguns,"Isaid,"don"tIwanttofindthecastle?AndhowelsewouldIgoaboutit?"

"La,sweetyourworship,onemaylightlyanswerthat,Iween.Shewillgowiththee.Theyalwaysdo.Shewillridewiththee."

"Ridewithme?Nonsense!"

"Butofatruthshewill.Shewillridewiththee.Thoushaltsee."

"What?Shebrowsearoundthehillsandscourthewoodswithme——alone——andIasgoodasengagedtobemarried?Why,it"sscandalous.Thinkhowitwouldlook."

My,thedearfacethatrosebeforeme!Theboywaseagertoknowallaboutthistendermatter.Isworehimtosecresyandthenwhisperedhername——"PussFlanagan."Helookeddisappointed,andsaidhedidn"trememberthecountess.Hownaturalitwasforthelittlecourtiertogiveherarank.Heaskedmewhereshelived.

"InEastHar——"Icametomyselfandstopped,alittleconfused;thenIsaid,"Nevermind,now;I"lltellyousometime."

Andmightheseeher?WouldIlethimseehersomeday?

Itwasbutalittlethingtopromise——thirteenhundredyearsorso——andhesoeager;soIsaidYes.ButIsighed;Icouldn"thelpit.Andyettherewasnosenseinsighing,forshewasn"tbornyet.Butthatisthewaywearemade:wedon"treason,wherewefeel;wejustfeel.

Myexpeditionwasallthetalkthatdayandthatnight,andtheboyswereverygoodtome,andmademuchofme,andseemedtohaveforgottentheirvexationanddisappointment,andcometobeasanxiousformetohivethoseogresandsetthoseripeoldvirginslooseasifitwerethemselvesthathadthecontract.Well,theyWEREgoodchildren——butjustchildren,thatisall.Andtheygavemenoendofpointsabouthowtoscoutforgiants,andhowtoscoopthemin;andtheytoldmeallsortsofcharmsagainstenchantments,andgavemesalvesandotherrubbishtoputonmywounds.

ButitneveroccurredtooneofthemtoreflectthatifIwassuchawonderfulnecromancerasIwaspretendingtobe,Ioughtnottoneedsalvesorinstructions,orcharmsagainstenchantments,and,leastofall,armsandarmor,onaforayofanykind——evenagainstfire-spoutingdragons,anddevilshotfromperdition,letalonesuchpooradversariesastheseIwasafter,thesecommonplaceogresofthebacksettlements.

Iwastohaveanearlybreakfast,andstartatdawn,forthatwastheusualway;butIhadthedemon"sowntimewithmyarmor,andthisdelayedmealittle.Itistroublesometogetinto,andthereissomuchdetail.

Firstyouwrapalayerortwoofblanketaroundyourbody,forasortofcushionandtokeepoffthecoldiron;thenyouputonyoursleevesandshirtofchainmail——thesearemadeofsmallsteellinkswoventogether,andtheyformafabricsoflexiblethatifyoutossyourshirtontothefloor,itslumpsintoapilelikeapeckofwetfish-net;itisveryheavyandisnearlytheuncomfortablestmaterialintheworldforanightshirt,yetplentyuseditforthat——taxcollectors,andreformers,andone-horsekingswithadefectivetitle,andthosesortsofpeople;thenyouputonyourshoes——flat-boatsroofedoverwithinterleavingbandsofsteel——

andscrewyourclumsyspursintotheheels.Nextyoubuckleyourgreavesonyourlegs,andyourcuissesonyourthighs;thencomeyourbackplateandyourbreastplate,andyoubegintofeelcrowded;thenyouhitchontothebreastplatethehalf-petticoatofbroadoverlappingbandsofsteelwhichhangsdowninfrontbutisscollopedoutbehindsoyoucansitdown,andisn"tanyrealimprovementonaninvertedcoalscuttle,eitherforlooksorforwear,ortowipeyourhandson;nextyoubeltonyoursword;

thenyouputyourstove-pipejointsontoyourarms,yourirongauntletsontoyourhands,yourironrat-trapontoyourhead,witharagofsteelwebhitchedontoittohangoverthebackofyourneck——andthereyouare,snugasacandleinacandle-mould.Thisisnotimetodance.Well,amanthatispackedawaylikethatisanutthatisn"tworththecracking,thereissolittleofthemeat,whenyougetdowntoit,bycomparisonwiththeshell.

Theboyshelpedme,orInevercouldhavegotin.Justaswefinished,SirBediverehappenedin,andIsawthataslikeasnotIhadn"tchosenthemostconvenientoutfitforalongtrip.Howstatelyhelooked;andtallandbroadandgrand.Hehadonhisheadaconicalsteelcasquethatonlycamedowntohisears,andforvisorhadonlyanarrowsteelbarthatextendeddowntohisupperlipandprotectedhisnose;andalltherestofhim,fromnecktoheel,wasflexiblechainmail,trousersandall.Butprettymuchallofhimwashiddenunderhisoutsidegarment,whichofcoursewasofchainmail,asIsaid,andhungstraightfromhisshoulderstohisankles;andfromhismiddletothebottom,bothbeforeandbehind,wasdivided,sothathecouldrideandlettheskirtshangdownoneachside.

Hewasgoinggrailing,anditwasjusttheoutfitforit,too.Iwouldhavegivenagooddealforthatulster,butitwastoolatenowtobefoolingaround.Thesunwasjustup,thekingandthecourtwereallonhandtoseemeoffandwishmeluck;soitwouldn"tbeetiquetteformetotarry.

Youdon"tgetonyourhorseyourself;no,ifyoutriedityouwouldgetdisappointed.Theycarryyouout,justastheycarryasun-struckmantothedrugstore,andputyouon,andhelpgetyoutorights,andfixyourfeetinthestirrups;andallthewhileyoudofeelsostrangeandstuffyandlikesomebodyelse——likesomebodythathasbeenmarriedonasudden,orstruckbylightning,orsomethinglikethat,andhasn"tquitefetchedaroundyet,andissortofnumb,andcan"tjustgethisbearings.Thentheystoodupthemasttheycalledaspear,initssocketbymyleftfoot,andIgrippeditwithmyhand;lastlytheyhungmyshieldaroundmyneck,andIwasallcompleteandreadytoupanchorandgettosea.Everybodywasasgoodtomeastheycouldbe,andamaidofhonorgavemethestirrup-cupherownself.Therewasnothingmoretodonow,butforthatdamseltogetupbehindmeonapillion,whichshedid,andputanarmorsoaroundmetoholdon.

Andsowestarted,andeverybodygaveusagoodbyeandwavedtheirhandkerchiefsorhelmets.Andeverybodywemet,goingdownthehillandthroughthevillagewasrespectfultous,exceptsomeshabbylittleboysontheoutskirts.

Theysaid:

"Oh,whataguy!"Andhoveclodsatus.

Inmyexperienceboysarethesameinallages.Theydon"trespectanything,theydon"tcareforanythingoranybody.Theysay"Goup,baldhead"totheprophetgoinghisunoffendingwayinthegrayofantiquity;theysassmeintheholygloomoftheMiddleAges;andIhadseenthemactthesamewayinBuchanan"sadministration;Iremember,becauseIwasthereandhelped.

Theprophethadhisbearsandsettledwithhisboys;andIwantedtogetdownandsettlewithmine,butitwouldn"tanswer,becauseIcouldn"thavegotupagain.Ihateacountrywithoutaderrick.

AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur"sCourt-Chapter12Chapter12-SlowTortureSTRAIGHToff,wewereinthecountry.Itwasmostlovelyandpleasantinthosesylvansolitudesintheearlycoolmorninginthefirstfreshnessofautumn.Fromhilltopswesawfairgreenvalleyslyingspreadoutbelow,withstreamswindingthroughthem,andislandgrovesoftreeshereandthere,andhugelonelyoaksscatteredaboutandcastingblackblotsofshade;andbeyondthevalleyswesawtherangesofhills,bluewithhaze,stretchingawayinbillowyperspectivetothehorizon,withatwideintervalsadimfleckofwhiteorgrayonawave-summit,whichweknewwasacastle.

Wecrossedbroadnaturallawnssparklingwithdew,andwemovedlikespirits,thecushionedturfgivingoutnosoundoffootfall;wedreamedalongthroughgladesinamistofgreenlightthatgotitstintfromthesun-drenchedroofofleavesoverhead,andbyourfeettheclearestandcoldestofrunletswentfriskingandgossipingoveritsreefsandmakingasortofwhisperingmusic,comfortabletohear;andattimeswelefttheworldbehindandenteredintothesolemngreatdeepsandrichgloomoftheforest,wherefurtivewildthingswhiskedandscurriedbyandweregonebeforeyoucouldevengetyoureyeontheplacewherethenoisewas;andwhereonlytheearliestbirdswereturningoutandgettingtobusinesswithasonghereandaquarrelyonderandamysteriousfaroffhammeringanddrummingforwormsonatreetrunkawaysomewhereintheimpenetrableremotenessesofthewoods.Andbyandbyoutwewouldswingagainintotheglare.

Aboutthethirdorfourthorfifthtimethatweswungoutintotheglare——itwasalongtheresomewhere,acoupleofhoursorsoaftersun-up——

itwasn"taspleasantasithadbeen.Itwasbeginningtogethot.Thiswasquitenoticeable.Wehadaverylongpull,afterthat,withoutanyshade.Nowitiscurioushowprogressivelylittlefretsgrowandmultiplyaftertheyoncegetastart.ThingswhichIdidn"tmindatall,atfirst,Ibegantomindnow——andmoreandmore,too,allthetime.ThefirsttenorfifteentimesIwantedmyhandkerchiefIdidn"tseemtocare;I

gotalong,andsaidnevermind,itisn"tanymatter,anddroppeditoutofmymind.Butnowitwasdifferent;Iwanteditallthetime;itwasnag,nag,nag,rightalong,andnorest;Icouldn"tgetitoutofmymind;

andsoatlastIlostmytemperandsaidhangamanthatwouldmakeasuitofarmorwithoutanypocketsinit.YouseeIhadmyhandkerchiefinmyhelmet;andsomeotherthings;butitwasthatkindofahelmetthatyoucan"ttakeoffbyyourself.Thathadn"toccurredtomewhenIputitthere;

andinfactIdidn"tknowit.Isupposeditwouldbeparticularlyconvenientthere.Andsonow,thethoughtofitsbeingthere,sohandyandcloseby,andyetnotget-at-able,madeitalltheworseandthehardertobear.

Yes,thethingthatyoucan"tgetisthethingthatyouwant,mainly;everyonehasnoticedthat.Well,ittookmymindofffromeverythingelse;tookitclearoff,andcentereditinmyhelmet;andmileaftermile,thereitstayed,imaginingthehandkerchief,picturingthehandkerchief;anditwasbitterandaggravatingtohavethesaltsweatkeeptricklingdownintomyeyes,andIcouldn"tgetatit.Itseemslikealittlething,onpaper,butitwasnotalittlethingatall;itwasthemostrealkindofmisery.Iwouldnotsayitifitwasnotso.ImadeupmymindthatIwouldcarryalongareticulenexttime,letitlookhowitmight,andpeoplesaywhattheywould.OfcoursetheseirondudesoftheRoundTablewouldthinkitwasscandalous,andmayberaiseSheolaboutit,butasforme,givemecomfortfirst,andstyleafterwards.Sowejoggedalong,andnowandthenwestruckastretchofdust,anditwouldtumbleupincloudsandgetintomynoseandmakemesneezeandcry;andofcourseIsaidthingsIoughtn"ttohavesaid,Idon"tdenythat.Iamnotbetterthanothers.

Wecouldn"tseemtomeetanybodyinthislonesomeBritain,notevenanogre;and,inthemoodIwasinthen,itwaswellfortheogre;thatis,anogrewithahandkerchief.Mostknightswouldhavethoughtofnothingbutgettinghisarmor;butsoIgothisbandanna,hecouldkeephishardware,forallofme.

Meantime,itwasgettinghotterandhotterinthere.Yousee,thesunwasbeatingdownandwarminguptheironmoreandmoreallthetime.Well,whenyouarehot,thatway,everylittlethingirritatesyou.WhenItrotted,Irattledlikeacrateofdishes,andthatannoyedme;andmoreoverIcouldn"tseemtostandthatshieldslattingandbanging,nowaboutmybreast,nowaroundmyback;andifIdroppedintoawalkmyjointscreakedandscreechedinthatwearisomewaythatawheelbarrowdoes,andaswedidn"tcreateanybreezeatthatgait,Iwasliketogetfriedinthatstove;andbesides,thequieteryouwenttheheaviertheironsettleddownonyouandthemoreandmoretonsyouseemedtoweigheveryminute.Andyouhadtobealwayschanginghands,andpassingyourspearovertotheotherfoot,itgotsoirksomeforonehandtoholditlongatatime.

Well,youknow,whenyouperspirethatway,inrivers,therecomesatimewhenyou——whenyou——well,whenyouitch.Youareinside,yourhandsareoutside;sothereyouare;nothingbutironbetween.Itisnotalightthing,letitsoundasitmay.Firstitisoneplace;thenanother;

thensomemore;anditgoesonspreadingandspreading,andatlasttheterritoryisalloccupied,andnobodycanimaginewhatyoufeellike,norhowunpleasantitis.Andwhenithadgottotheworst,anditseemedtomethatIcouldnotstandanythingmore,aflygotinthroughthebarsandsettledonmynose,andthebarswerestuckandwouldn"twork,andIcouldn"tgetthevisorup;andIcouldonlyshakemyhead,whichwasbakinghotbythistime,andthefly——well,youknowhowaflyactswhenhehasgotacertainty——heonlymindedtheshakingenoughtochangefromnosetolip,andliptoear,andbuzzandbuzzallaroundinthere,andkeeponlightingandbiting,inawaythataperson,alreadysodistressedasIwas,simplycouldnotstand.SoIgavein,andgotAlisandetounshipthehelmetandrelievemeofit.Thensheemptiedtheconveniencesoutofitandfetcheditfullofwater,andIdrankandthenstoodup,andshepouredtherestdowninsidethearmor.Onecannotthinkhowrefreshingitwas.ShecontinuedtofetchandpouruntilIwaswellsoakedandthoroughlycomfortable.

Itwasgoodtohavearest——andpeace.Butnothingisquiteperfectinthislife,atanytime.Ihadmadeapipeawhileback,andalsosomeprettyfairtobacco;nottherealthing,butwhatsomeoftheIndiansuse:

theinsidebarkofthewillow,dried.Thesecomfortshadbeeninthehelmet,andnowIhadthemagain,butnomatches.

Gradually,asthetimeworealong,oneannoyingfactwasborneinuponmyunderstanding——thatwewereweather-bound.Anarmednovicecannotmounthishorsewithouthelpandplentyofit.Sandywasnotenough;notenoughforme,anyway.Wehadtowaituntilsomebodyshouldcomealong.

Waiting,insilence,wouldhavebeenagreeableenough,forIwasfullofmatterforreflection,andwantedtogiveitachancetowork.Iwantedtotryandthinkouthowitwasthatrationalorevenhalf-rationalmencouldeverhavelearnedtoweararmor,consideringitsinconveniences;

andhowtheyhadmanagedtokeepupsuchafashionforgenerationswhenitwasplainthatwhatIhadsufferedto-daytheyhadhadtosufferallthedaysoftheirlives.Iwantedtothinkthatout;andmoreoverIwantedtothinkoutsomewaytoreformthisevilandpersuadethepeopletoletthefoolishfashiondieout;butthinkingwasoutofthequestioninthecircumstances.Youcouldn"tthink,whereSandywas.

Shewasaquitebiddablecreatureandgood-hearted,butshehadaflowoftalkthatwasassteadyasamill,andmadeyourheadsorelikethedraysandwagonsinacity.Ifshehadhadacorkshewouldhavebeenacomfort.Butyoucan"tcorkthatkind;theywoulddie.Herclackwasgoingallday,andyouwouldthinksomethingwouldsurelyhappentoherworks,byandby;butno,theynevergotoutoforder;andsheneverhadtoslackupforwords.Shecouldgrind,andpump,andchurn,andbuzzbytheweek,andneverstoptooiluporblowout.Andyettheresultwasjustnothingbutwind.Sheneverhadanyideas,anymorethanafoghas.Shewasaperfectblatherskite;Imeanforjaw,jaw,jaw,talk,talk,talk,jabber,jabber,jabber;butjustasgoodasshecouldbe.Ihadn"tmindedhermillthatmorning,onaccountofhavingthathornets"nestofothertroubles;butmorethanonceintheafternoonIhadtosay:

"Takearest,child;thewayyouareusingupallthedomesticair,thekingdomwillhavetogotoimportingitbyto-morrow,andit"salowenoughtreasurywithoutthat."

AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur"sCourt-Chapter13Chapter13-FreemenYES,itisstrangehowlittleawhileatatimeapersoncanbecontented.

Onlyalittlewhileback,whenIwasridingandsuffering,whataheaventhispeace,thisrest,thissweetserenityinthissecludedshadynookbythispurlingstreamwouldhaveseemed,whereIcouldkeepperfectlycomfortableallthetimebypouringadipperofwaterintomyarmornowandthen;yetalreadyIwasgettingdissatisfied;partlybecauseIcouldnotlightmypipe——for,althoughIhadlongagostartedamatchfactory,Ihadforgottentobringmatcheswithme——andpartlybecausewehadnothingtoeat.Herewasanotherillustrationofthechildlikeimprovidenceofthisageandpeople.Amaninarmoralwaystrustedtochanceforhisfoodonajourney,andwouldhavebeenscandalizedattheideaofhangingabasketofsandwichesonhisspear.TherewasprobablynotaknightofalltheRoundTablecombinationwhowouldnotratherhavediedthanbeencaughtcarryingsuchathingasthatonhisflagstaff.Andyettherecouldnotbeanythingmoresensible.Ithadbeenmyintentiontosmuggleacoupleofsandwichesintomyhelmet,butIwasinterruptedintheact,andhadtomakeanexcuseandlaythemaside,andadoggotthem.

Nightapproached,andwithitastorm.Thedarknesscameonfast.Wemustcamp,ofcourse.Ifoundagoodshelterforthedemoiselleunderarock,andwentoffandfoundanotherformyself.ButIwasobligedtoremaininmyarmor,becauseIcouldnotgetitoffbymyselfandyetcouldnotallowAlisandetohelp,becauseitwouldhaveseemedsolikeundressingbeforefolk.Itwouldnothaveamountedtothatinreality,becauseIhadclothesonunderneath;buttheprejudicesofone"sbreedingarenotgottenridofjustatajump,andIknewthatwhenitcametostrippingoffthatbob-tailedironpetticoatIshouldbeembarrassed.

Withthestormcameachangeofweather;andthestrongerthewindblew,andthewildertherainlashedaround,thecolderandcolderitgot.Prettysoon,variouskindsofbugsandantsandwormsandthingsbegantoflockinoutofthewetandcrawldowninsidemyarmortogetwarm;andwhilesomeofthembehavedwellenough,andsnuggledupamongstmyclothesandgotquiet,themajoritywereofarestless,uncomfortablesort,andneverstayedstill,butwentonprowlingandhuntingfortheydidnotknowwhat;

especiallytheants,whichwentticklingalonginwearisomeprocessionfromoneendofmetotheotherbythehour,andareakindofcreatureswhichIneverwishtosleepwithagain.Itwouldbemyadvicetopersonssituatedinthisway,tonotrollorthrasharound,becausethisexcitestheinterestofallthedifferentsortsofanimalsandmakeseverylastoneofthemwanttoturnoutandseewhatisgoingon,andthismakesthingsworsethantheywerebefore,andofcoursemakesyouobjurgateharder,too,ifyoucan.Still,ifonedidnotrollandthrasharoundhewoulddie;soperhapsitisaswelltodoonewayastheother;thereisnorealchoice.EvenafterIwasfrozensolidIcouldstilldistinguishthattickling,justasacorpsedoeswhenheistakingelectrictreatment.IsaidIwouldneverweararmorafterthistrip.

AllthosetryinghourswhilstIwasfrozenandyetwasinalivingfire,asyoumaysay,onaccountofthatswarmofcrawlers,thatsameunanswerablequestionkeptcirclingandcirclingthroughmytiredhead:Howdopeoplestandthismiserablearmor?Howhavetheymanagedtostanditallthesegenerations?Howcantheysleepatnightfordreadingthetorturesofnextday?

Whenthemorningcameatlast,Iwasinabadenoughplight:seedy,drowsy,fagged,fromwantofsleep;wearyfromthrashingaround,famishedfromlongfasting;piningforabath,andtogetridoftheanimals;andcrippledwithrheumatism.Andhowhaditfaredwiththenoblyborn,thetitledaristocrat,theDemoiselleAlisandelaCarteloise?Why,shewasasfreshasasquirrel;shehadsleptlikethedead;andasforabath,probablyneithershenoranyothernobleinthelandhadeverhadone,andsoshewasnotmissingit.Measuredbymodernstandards,theyweremerelymodifiedsavages,thosepeople.Thisnobleladyshowednoimpatiencetogettobreakfast——andthatsmacksofthesavage,too.OntheirjourneysthoseBritonswereusedtolongfasts,andknewhowtobearthem;andalsohowtofreightupagainstprobablefastsbeforestarting,afterthestyleoftheIndianandtheanaconda.Aslikeasnot,Sandywasloadedforathree-daystretch.

Wewereoffbeforesunrise,SandyridingandIlimpingalongbehind.

Inhalfanhourwecameuponagroupofraggedpoorcreatureswhohadassembledtomendthethingwhichwasregardedasaroad.Theywereashumbleasanimalstome;andwhenIproposedtobreakfastwiththem,theyweresoflattered,sooverwhelmedbythisextraordinarycondescensionofminethatatfirsttheywerenotabletobelievethatIwasinearnest.Myladyputupherscornfullipandwithdrewtooneside;shesaidintheirhearingthatshewouldassoonthinkofeatingwiththeothercattle——aremarkwhichembarrassedthesepoordevilsmerelybecauseitreferredtothem,andnotbecauseitinsultedoroffendedthem,foritdidn"t.Andyettheywerenotslaves,notchattels.Byasarcasmoflawandphrasetheywerefreemen.Seven-tenthsofthefreepopulationofthecountrywereofjusttheirclassanddegree:small"independent"farmers,artisans,etc.;whichistosay,theywerethenation,theactualNation;theywereaboutallofitthatwasuseful,orworthsaving,orreallyrespect-worthy,andtosubtractthemwouldhavebeentosubtracttheNationandleavebehindsomedregs,somerefuse,intheshapeofaking,nobilityandgentry,idle,unproductive,acquaintedmainlywiththeartsofwastinganddestroying,andofnosortofuseorvalueinanyrationallyconstructedworld.Andyet,byingeniouscontrivance,thisgildedminority,insteadofbeinginthetailoftheprocessionwhereitbelonged,wasmarchingheadupandbannersflying,attheotherendofit;hadelecteditselftobetheNation,andtheseinnumerableclamshadpermitteditsolongthattheyhadcomeatlasttoacceptitasatruth;andnotonlythat,buttobelieveitrightandasitshouldbe.ThepriestshadtoldtheirfathersandthemselvesthatthisironicalstateofthingswasordainedofGod;andso,notreflectinguponhowunlikeGoditwouldbetoamusehimselfwithsarcasms,andespeciallysuchpoortransparentonesasthis,theyhaddroppedthematterthereandbecomerespectfullyquiet.

ThetalkofthesemeekpeoplehadastrangeenoughsoundinaformerlyAmericanear.Theywerefreemen,buttheycouldnotleavetheestatesoftheirlordortheirbishopwithouthispermission;theycouldnotpreparetheirownbread,butmusthavetheircorngroundandtheirbreadbakedathismillandhisbakery,andpayroundlyforthesame;theycouldnotsellapieceoftheirownpropertywithoutpayinghimahandsomepercentageoftheproceeds,norbuyapieceofsomebodyelse"swithoutrememberinghimincashfortheprivilege;theyhadtoharvesthisgrainforhimgratis,andbereadytocomeatamoment"snotice,leavingtheirowncroptodestructionbythethreatenedstorm;theyhadtolethimplantfruittreesintheirfields,andthenkeeptheirindignationtothemselveswhenhisheedlessfruit-gathererstrampledthegrainaroundthetrees;theyhadtosmothertheirangerwhenhishuntingpartiesgallopedthroughtheirfieldslayingwastetheresultoftheirpatienttoil;theywerenotallowedtokeepdovesthemselves,andwhentheswarmsfrommylord"sdovecotesettledontheircropstheymustnotlosetheirtemperandkillabird,forawfulwouldthepenaltybe;whentheharvestwasatlastgathered,thencametheprocessionofrobberstolevytheirblackmailuponit:firsttheChurchcartedoffitsfattenth,thentheking"scommissionertookhistwentieth,thenmylord"speoplemadeamightyinroadupontheremainder;afterwhich,theskinnedfreemanhadlibertytobestowtheremnantinhisbarn,incaseitwasworththetrouble;thereweretaxes,andtaxes,andtaxes,andmoretaxes,andtaxesagain,andyetothertaxes——uponthisfreeandindependentpauper,butnoneuponhislordthebaronorthebishop,noneuponthewastefulnobilityortheall-devouringChurch;ifthebaronwouldsleepunvexed,thefreemanmustsitupallnightafterhisday"sworkandwhipthepondstokeepthefrogsquiet;ifthefreeman"sdaughter——butno,thatlastinfamyofmonarchicalgovernmentisunprintable;andfinally,ifthefreeman,growndesperatewithhistortures,foundhislifeunendurableundersuchconditions,andsacrificeditandfledtodeathformercyandrefuge,thegentleChurchcondemnedhimtoeternalfire,thegentlelawburiedhimatmidnightatthecross-roadswithastakethroughhisback,andhismasterthebaronorthebishopconfiscatedallhispropertyandturnedhiswidowandhisorphansoutofdoors.

Andherewerethesefreemenassembledintheearlymorningtoworkontheirlordthebishop"sroadthreedayseach——gratis;everyheadofafamily,andeverysonofafamily,threedayseach,gratis,andadayorsoaddedfortheirservants.Why,itwaslikereadingaboutFranceandtheFrench,beforetheevermemorableandblessedRevolution,whichsweptathousandyearsofsuchvillanyawayinoneswifttidal-waveofblood——one:asettlementofthathoarydebtintheproportionofhalfadropofbloodforeachhogsheadofitthathadbeenpressedbyslowtorturesoutofthatpeopleinthewearystretchoftencenturiesofwrongandshameandmiserythelikeofwhichwasnottobematedbutinhell.Thereweretwo"ReignsofTerror,"ifwewouldbutrememberitandconsiderit;theonewroughtmurderinhotpassion,theotherinheartlesscoldblood;theonelastedmeremonths,theotherhadlastedathousandyears;theoneinflicteddeathupontenthousandpersons,theotheruponahundredmillions;

butourshuddersareallforthe"horrors"oftheminorTerror,themomentaryTerror,sotospeak;whereas,whatisthehorrorofswiftdeathbytheaxe,comparedwithlifelongdeathfromhunger,cold,insult,cruelty,andheart-break?Whatisswiftdeathbylightningcomparedwithdeathbyslowfireatthestake?AcitycemeterycouldcontainthecoffinsfilledbythatbriefTerrorwhichwehaveallbeensodiligentlytaughttoshiveratandmournover;butallFrancecouldhardlycontainthecoffinsfilledbythatolderandrealTerror——thatunspeakablybitterandawfulTerrorwhichnoneofushasbeentaughttoseeinitsvastnessorpityasitdeserves.

Thesepoorostensiblefreemenwhoweresharingtheirbreakfastandtheirtalkwithme,wereasfullofhumblereverencefortheirkingandChurchandnobilityastheirworstenemycoulddesire.Therewassomethingpitifullyludicrousaboutit.Iaskedthemiftheysupposedanationofpeopleeverexisted,who,withafreevoteineveryman"shand,wouldelectthatasinglefamilyanditsdescendantsshouldreignoveritforever,whethergiftedorboobies,totheexclusionofallotherfamilies——includingthevoter"s;andwouldalsoelectthatacertainhundredfamiliesshouldberaisedtodizzysummitsofrank,andclothedonwithoffensivetransmissiblegloriesandprivilegestotheexclusionoftherestofthenation"sfamilies——INCLUDINGHISOWN.

Theyalllookedunhit,andsaidtheydidn"tknow;thattheyhadneverthoughtaboutitbefore,andithadn"teveroccurredtothemthatanationcouldbesosituatedthateverymanCOULDhaveasayinthegovernment.

IsaidIhadseenone——andthatitwouldlastuntilithadanEstablishedChurch.Againtheywereallunhit——atfirst.Butpresentlyonemanlookedupandaskedmetostatethatpropositionagain;andstateitslowly,soitcouldsoakintohisunderstanding.Ididit;andafteralittlehehadtheidea,andhebroughthisfistdownandsaidHEdidn"tbelieveanationwhereeverymanhadavotewouldvoluntarilygetdowninthemudanddirtinanysuchway;andthattostealfromanationitswillandpreferencemustbeacrimeandthefirstofallcrimes.Isaidtomyself:

"Thisone"saman.IfIwerebackedbyenoughofhissort,Iwouldmakeastrikeforthewelfareofthiscountry,andtrytoprovemyselfitsloyalestcitizenbymakingawholesomechangeinitssystemofgovernment."

Youseemykindofloyaltywasloyaltytoone"scountry,nottoitsinstitutionsoritsoffice-holders.Thecountryistherealthing,thesubstantialthing,theeternalthing;itisthethingtowatchover,andcarefor,andbeloyalto;institutionsareextraneous,theyareitsmereclothing,andclothingcanwearout,becomeragged,ceasetobecomfortable,ceasetoprotectthebodyfromwinter,disease,anddeath.Tobeloyaltorags,toshoutforrags,toworshiprags,todieforrags——thatisaloyaltyofunreason,itispureanimal;itbelongstomonarchy,wasinventedbymonarchy;letmonarchykeepit.IwasfromConnecticut,whoseConstitutiondeclares"thatallpoliticalpowerisinherentinthepeople,andallfreegovernmentsarefoundedontheirauthorityandinstitutedfortheirbenefit;

andthattheyhaveATALLTIMESanundeniableandindefeasiblerighttoALTERTHEIRFORMOFGOVERNMENTinsuchamannerastheymaythinkexpedient."

Underthatgospel,thecitizenwhothinksheseesthatthecommonwealth"spoliticalclothesarewornout,andyetholdshispeaceanddoesnotagitateforanewsuit,isdisloyal;heisatraitor.Thathemaybetheonlyonewhothinksheseesthisdecay,doesnotexcusehim;itishisdutytoagitateanyway,anditisthedutyoftheotherstovotehimdowniftheydonotseethematterashedoes.

AndnowhereIwas,inacountrywherearighttosayhowthecountryshouldbegovernedwasrestrictedtosixpersonsineachthousandofitspopulation.Fortheninehundredandninety-fourtoexpressdissatisfactionwiththeregnantsystemandproposetochangeit,wouldhavemadethewholesixshudderasoneman,itwouldhavebeensodisloyal,sodishonorable,suchputridblacktreason.Sotospeak,Iwasbecomeastockholderinacorporationwhereninehundredandninety-fourofthemembersfurnishedallthemoneyanddidallthework,andtheothersixelectedthemselvesapermanentboardofdirectionandtookallthedividends.Itseemedtomethatwhattheninehundredandninety-fourdupesneededwasanewdeal.

ThethingthatwouldhavebestsuitedthecircussideofmynaturewouldhavebeentoresigntheBoss-shipandgetupaninsurrectionandturnitintoarevolution;butIknewthattheJackCadeortheWatTylerwhotriessuchathingwithoutfirsteducatinghismaterialsuptorevolutiongradeisalmostabsolutelycertaintogetleft.Ihadneverbeenaccustomedtogettingleft,evenifIdosayitmyself.Wherefore,the"deal"whichhadbeenforsometimeworkingintoshapeinmymindwasofaquitedifferentpatternfromtheCade-Tylersort.

SoIdidnottalkbloodandinsurrectiontothatmantherewhosatmunchingblackbreadwiththatabusedandmistaughtherdofhumansheep,buttookhimasideandtalkedmatterofanothersorttohim.AfterIhadfinished,Igothimtolendmealittleinkfromhisveins;andwiththisandasliverIwroteonapieceofbark——

PuthimintheMan-factory——

andgaveittohim,andsaid:

"TakeittothepalaceatCamelotandgiveitintothehandsofAmyaslePoulet,whomIcallClarence,andhewillunderstand."

"Heisapriest,then,"saidtheman,andsomeoftheenthusiasmwentoutofhisface.

"How——apriest?Didn"tItellyouthatnochatteloftheChurch,nobond-slaveofpopeorbishopcanentermyMan-Factory?Didn"tItellyouthatYOUcouldn"tenterunlessyourreligion,whateveritmightbe,wasyourownfreeproperty?"

"Marry,itisso,andforthatIwasglad;whereforeitlikedmenot,andbredinmeacolddoubt,tohearofthispriestbeingthere."

"Butheisn"tapriest,Itellyou."

Themanlookedfarfromsatisfied.Hesaid:

"Heisnotapriest,andyetcanread?"

"Heisnotapriestandyetcanread——yes,andwrite,too,forthatmatter.Itaughthimmyself."Theman"sfacecleared."AnditisthefirstthingthatyouyourselfwillbetaughtinthatFactory——"

"I?Iwouldgivebloodoutofmyhearttoknowthatart.Why,Iwillbeyourslave,your——"

"Noyouwon"t,youwon"tbeanybody"sslave.Takeyourfamilyandgoalong.Yourlordthebishopwillconfiscateyoursmallproperty,butnomatter.Clarencewillfixyouallright."

AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur"sCourt-Chapter14Chapter14-"DefendThee,Lord"IPAIDthreepenniesformybreakfast,andamostextravagantpriceitwas,too,seeingthatonecouldhavebreakfastedadozenpersonsforthatmoney;butIwasfeelinggoodbythistime,andIhadalwaysbeenakindofspendthriftanyway;andthenthesepeoplehadwantedtogivemethefoodfornothing,scantastheirprovisionwas,andsoitwasagratefulpleasuretoemphasizemyappreciationandsincerethankfulnesswithagoodbigfinancialliftwherethemoneywoulddosomuchmoregoodthanitwouldinmyhelmet,where,thesepenniesbeingmadeofironandnotstintedinweight,myhalf-dollar"sworthwasagooddealofaburdentome.Ispentmoneyrathertoofreelyinthosedays,itistrue;butonereasonforitwasthatIhadn"tgottheproportionsofthingsentirelyadjusted,evenyet,aftersolongasojourninBritain——hadn"tgotalongtowhereI

wasabletoabsolutelyrealizethatapennyinArthur"slandandacoupleofdollarsinConnecticutwereaboutoneandthesamething:justtwins,asyoumaysay,inpurchasingpower.IfmystartfromCamelotcouldhavebeendelayedaveryfewdaysIcouldhavepaidthesepeopleinbeautifulnewcoinsfromourownmint,andthatwouldhavepleasedme;andthem,too,notless.IhadadoptedtheAmericanvaluesexclusively.Inaweekortwonow,cents,nickels,dimes,quarters,andhalf-dollars,andalsoatrifleofgold,wouldbetricklinginthinbutsteadystreamsallthroughthecommercialveinsofthekingdom,andIlookedtoseethisnewbloodfreshenupitslife.

Thefarmerswereboundtothrowinsomething,tosortofoffsetmyliberality,whetherIwouldorno;soIletthemgivemeaflintandsteel;andassoonastheyhadcomfortablybestowedSandyandmeonourhorse,Ilitmypipe.Whenthefirstblastofsmokeshotoutthroughthebarsofmyhelmet,allthosepeoplebrokeforthewoods,andSandywentoverbackwardsandstruckthegroundwithadullthud.TheythoughtIwasoneofthosefire-belchingdragonstheyhadheardsomuchaboutfromknightsandotherprofessionalliars.Ihadinfinitetroubletopersuadethosepeopletoventurebackwithinexplainingdistance.ThenItoldthemthatthiswasonlyabitofenchantmentwhichwouldworkharmtononebutmyenemies.

AndIpromised,withmyhandonmyheart,thatifallwhofeltnoenmitytowardmewouldcomeforwardandpassbeforemetheyshouldseethatonlythosewhoremainedbehindwouldbestruckdead.Theprocessionmovedwithagooddealofpromptness.Therewerenocasualtiestoreport,fornobodyhadcuriosityenoughtoremainbehindtoseewhatwouldhappen.

Ilostsometime,now,forthesebigchildren,theirfearsgone,becamesoravishedwithwonderovermyawe-compellingfireworksthatIhadtostaythereandsmokeacoupleofpipesoutbeforetheywouldletmego.

Stillthedelaywasnotwhollyunproductive,forittookallthattimetogetSandythoroughlywontedtothenewthing,shebeingsoclosetoit,youknow.Itpluggedupherconversationmill,too,foraconsiderablewhile,andthatwasagain.Butaboveallotherbenefitsaccruing,Ihadlearnedsomething.Iwasreadyforanygiantoranyogrethatmightcomealong,now.

Wetarriedwithaholyhermit,thatnight,andmyopportunitycameaboutthemiddleofthenextafternoon.Wewerecrossingavastmeadowbywayofshort-cut,andIwasmusingabsently,hearingnothing,seeingnothing,whenSandysuddenlyinterruptedaremarkwhichshehadbegunthatmorning,withthecry:

"Defendthee,lord!——periloflifeistoward!"

Andsheslippeddownfromthehorseandranalittlewayandstood.

Ilookedupandsaw,faroffintheshadeofatree,halfadozenarmedknightsandtheirsquires;andstraightwaytherewasbustleamongthemandtighteningofsaddle-girthsforthemount.Mypipewasreadyandwouldhavebeenlit,ifIhadnotbeenlostinthinkingabouthowtobanishoppressionfromthislandandrestoretoallitspeopletheirstolenrightsandmanhoodwithoutdisobliginganybody.Ilitupatonce,andbythetimeIhadgotagoodheadofreservedsteamon,heretheycame.Alltogether,too;noneofthosechivalrousmagnanimitieswhichonereadssomuchabout——onecourtlyrascalatatime,andthereststandingbytoseefairplay.No,theycameinabody,theycamewithawhirrandarush,theycamelikeavolleyfromabattery;camewithheadslowdown,plumesstreamingoutbehind,lancesadvancedatalevel.Itwasahandsomesight,abeautifulsight——foramanupatree.Ilaidmylanceinrestandwaited,withmyheartbeating,tilltheironwavewasjustreadytobreakoverme,thenspoutedacolumnofwhitesmokethroughthebarsofmyhelmet.Youshouldhaveseenthewavegotopiecesandscatter!Thiswasafinersightthantheotherone.

Butthesepeoplestopped,twoorthreehundredyardsaway,andthistroubledme.Mysatisfactioncollapsed,andfearcame;IjudgedIwasalostman.ButSandywasradiant;andwasgoingtobeeloquent——butI

stoppedher,andtoldhermymagichadmiscarried,somehoworother,andshemustmount,withalldespatch,andwemustrideforlife.No,shewouldn"t.

Shesaidthatmyenchantmenthaddisabledthoseknights;theywerenotridingon,becausetheycouldn"t;wait,theywoulddropoutoftheirsaddlespresently,andwewouldgettheirhorsesandharness.Icouldnotdeceivesuchtrustingsimplicity,soIsaiditwasamistake;thatwhenmyfireworkskilledatall,theykilledinstantly;no,themenwouldnotdie,therewassomethingwrongaboutmyapparatus,Icouldn"ttellwhat;butwemusthurryandgetaway,forthosepeoplewouldattackusagain,inaminute.

Sandylaughed,andsaid:

"Lack-a-day,sir,theybenotofthatbreed!SirLauncelotwillgivebattletodragons,andwillabidebythem,andwillassailthemagain,andyetagain,andstillagain,untilhedoconqueranddestroythem;andsolikewisewillSirPellinoreandSirAglovaleandSirCarados,andmayhapothers,buttherebenoneelsethatwillventureit,lettheidlesaywhattheidlewill.And,la,astoyonderbaserufflers,thinkyetheyhavenottheirfill,butyetdesiremore?"