The Story of an African Farm

第5章

precedentedtie—uphadbeendiscussedformonths，theboyssuddenlygaveuptheircandidateandnominatedmefororator。

ThiswasnotatallwhatIwanted，andIimmedi—

atelydeclinedtoserve。Wegirlsthennominatedtheyoungmanwhohadbeenfirstchoiceofourbrothersociety，buthehaughtilyrefusedtoacceptthecompliment。Thereunionwasonlyafortnightaway，andtheprogrammehadnotbeenprinted，sonowthepresidenttookthesituationinhandandperemptorilyorderedmetoacceptthenominationorbesuspended。Thiswasawhollyunexpectedboomerang。Ihadwishedtomakeagoodfightforequalrightsforthegirls，andtoimpresstheboyswiththefactofourexistenceasasociety；butI

hadnotdesiredtosettheentirestudentbodybytheearsnortobeforcedtoprepareanddeliveranorationattheeleventhhour。Moreover，Ihadnosuitablegowntowearonsoimportantanoccasion。

Oneofmyclassmates，however，secretlywrotetomysister，describingmyblushinghonorsandex—

plainingmyneed，andmyfamilyralliedtothecall。

Myfatherboughtthematerial，andmymotherandMarypaidforthemakingofthegown。Itwasawhitealpacacreation，trimmedwithsatin，andtheconsciousnessthatitwasextremelybecomingsus—

tainedmegreatlyduringthementalagonyofpre—

paringanddeliveringmyoration。Tomyfamilythatorationwastheredeemingepisodeofmyearlycareer。Forthemomentitalmostmadethemfor—

getmycrimeofpreaching。

MyoriginalfundofeighteendollarswasnowsupplementedbytheproceedsofaseriesoflecturesIgaveontemperance。Thetemperancewomenwerenotyetorganized，buttheyhadtheirspeakers，andIwasoccasionallypaidfivedollarstoholdforthforanhourortwointhelittlecountryschool—housesofourregion。AsalicensedpreacherIhadnotuitionfeestopayatcollege；butmyboard，inthehomeofthepresidentandhiswife，wascostingmefourdollarsaweek，andthiswasthelimitofmyexpenses，asIdidmyownlaundry—work。DuringmyfirstcollegeyeartheamountIpaidforamuse—

mentwasexactlyfiftycents；thatwentforalec—

ture。Thementalstrainofthewholeexperiencewasrathersevere，forIneverknewhowmuchI

wouldbeabletoearn；andIwasbeginningtofeeltheeffectsofthiswhenChristmascameandbroughtwithitagiftofninety—twodollars，whichMissFoothadcollectedamongmyBigRapidsfriends。That，withwhatIcouldearn，carriedmethroughtheyear。

ThefollowingspringourbrotherJames，whowasnowlivinginSt。Johnsbury，Vermont，invitedmysisterMaryandmetospendthesummerwithhim，andMaryandIfinallydugagraveforourlittlehatchetandwentEasttogetherwithsomethingofourold—timejoyineachother’sso—

ciety。WereachedSt。JohnsburyoneSaturday，andwithinanhourofourarrivallearnedthatmybrotherhadarrangedformetopreachinalocalchurchthefollowingday。ThatthreatenedtospoilthevisitforMaryandeventodisinterthehatchet！

Atfirstshepositivelyrefusedtogotohearme，butafterafewhoursofreflectionsheannouncedgloom—

ilythatifshedidnotgoIwouldnothavemyhairarrangedproperlyorgetmyhatonstraight。Movedbythisconviction，shejoinedthefamilyparadetothechurch，andlater，inthesacristy，shepulledmeaboutandpinnedmeuptoherheart’scontent。

Then，reluctantly，shewentintothechurchandheardmepreach。Sheofferednotributesafterourreturntothehouse，butherprotestsceasedfromthattime，andwegaveeachothertheloveandunderstandingwhichhadmarkedourgirlhooddays。

Thechangemademeveryhappy；forMarywasthesaltoftheearth，andnextonlytomylongingformymother，Ihadlongedforherintheyearsofourestrangement。

EverySundaythatsummerIpreachedinornearSt。Johnsbury，andtowardautumnwehadabigmeetingwhichtheministersofallthesurroundingchurchesattended。Iwasaskedtopreachtheser—

mon——ahighcompliment——andIchosethatimpor—

tantdaytomakeamistakeinquotingapassagefromScripture。Iasked，``CantheEthiopianchangehisspotsortheleopardhisskin？’’IrealizedatoncethatIhadtransposedthewords，andnodoubtalookofhorrordawnedinmyeyes；butIwentonwithoutcorrectingmyselfandwithouttheslightestpause。Later，oneoftheministerscongratulatedmeonthispresenceofmind。

``Ifyouhadcorrectedyourself，’’hesaid，``alltheyoungpeoplewouldhavebeengigglingyetoverthespottednigger。Keeptoyourruleofgoingrightahead！’’

AttheendofthesummerthevariouschurchesinwhichIhadpreachedgavemeabeautifulgoldwatchandonehundreddollarsinmoney，andwithanexceedinglylightheartIwentbacktocollegetobeginmysecondyearofwork。

Fromthattimelifewaslesscomplex。Ihadenoughtemperance—workandpreachinginthecountryschool—housesandchurchestopaymycol—

legeexpenses，and，nowthatmyfinancialanxietieswererelieved，myhealthsteadilyimproved。Sev—

eraltimesIpreachedtotheIndians，andtheseoccasionswereamongthemostinterestingofmyexperiences。Thesquawsinvariablybroughttheirbabieswiththem，buttheyhadasimpleandeffectivemethodofrelievingthemselvesofthecareoftheinfantsassoonastheyreachedthechurch。Thepapooses，whowerestrappedtotheirboards，werehunglikeagarmentonthebackwallofthebuildingbyaholeinthetopoftheboard，whichprojectedabovetheirheads。Eachpapooseusuallyhadabitoffatporktiedtotheendofastringfastenedtoitswrist，andwiththesesourcesofnourishmenttheinfantsoccupiedthemselvespleasantlywhilethesermonwasinprogress。Frequentlytheporkslippeddownthethroatofthepapoose，butthestruggleofthechildandthejerkingofitshandsinthestrangulationthatfollowedpulledthepiecesafelyoutagain。AsIfacedthecongregationIalsofacedthepapooses，towhomtheindifferentbacksoftheirmotherswerepresented；itseemedtometherewasneveratimewhensomepapoosewasnotchoking，butnomatterhowmuchexcitementordiscomfortwasgoingonamongthebabies，notonesquawturnedherheadtolookbackatthem。Inthatassemblagetheemotionswerenotallowedtointerruptthecalmintellectualenjoymentofthesermon。

Mymostdramaticexperienceduringthisperiodoccurredinthesummerof1874，whenIwenttoaNorthernlumber—camptopreachinthepulpitofaministerwhowasawayonhishoneymoon。Thestagetookmewithintwenty—twomilesofmydesti—

nation，toaplacecalledSeberwing。Tomydismay，however，whenIarrivedatSeberwing，Saturdayevening，Ifoundthattherestofthejourneylaythroughadensewoods，andthatIcouldreachmypulpitintimethenextmorningonlybyhavingsomeonedrivemethroughthewoodsthatnight。Itwasnotapleasantprospect，forIhadheardappallingtalesofthestockadesinthisregionandofthewomenwhowerekeptprisonersthere。Buttomisstheengagementwasnottobethoughtof，andwhen，afterIhadmadeseveralvaineffortstofindadriver，amanappearedinatwo—seatedwagonandofferedtotakemetomydestination，IfeltthatIhadtogowithhim，thoughIdidnotlikehisappearance。

Hewasahuge，muscularperson，withaprotrudingjawandasingularlyevasiveeye；butIreflectedthathisforbiddingexpressionmightbedue，inpartatleast，totheprospectofthelongnightdrivethroughthewoods，towhichpossiblyheobjectedasmuchasIdid。

Itwasalreadygrowingdarkwhenwestarted，andwithinafewmomentswewereoutofthelittlesettlementandenteringthewoods。WithmeIhadarevolverIhadlongsincelearnedtouse，butwhichIveryrarelycarried。Ihadhesitatedtobringitnow——hadevenlefthomewithoutit；andthen，im—

pelledbysomeimpulseIneverafterwardceasedtobless，hadreturnedforitanddroppeditintomyhand—bag。

Isatonthebackseatofthewagon，directlybehindthedriver，andforatime，asweenteredthedarkeningwoods，hisgreatshouldersblottedoutallperspectiveashedroveoninstolidsilence。

Then，littlebylittle，theydisappearedlikearapidlyfadingnegative。ThewoodswerefilledwithNorwaypines，hemlocks，spruce，andtamaracks—great，sombertreesthatmusthaveshutoutthelightevenonthebrightestdays。To—nighttheheavensheldnolampsalofttoguideus，andsoonthedarknessfoldedarounduslikeagarment。Icouldseeneitherthedrivernorhishorses。Icouldhearonlythesibilantwhisperofthetreesandthecreakofourslowwheelsintheroughforestroad。

Suddenlythedriverbegantotalk，andatfirstIwasgladtohearthereassuringhumantones，fortheexperiencehadbeguntoseemlikeabaddream。

Irepliedreadily，andatonceregrettedthatIhaddoneso，fortheman’schoiceoftopicswasmostunpleasant。Hebegantotellmestoriesofthestockades——grimstorieswithhorribledetails，re—

peatedsofullyandwithsuchgustothatIsoonrealizedhewasdeliberatelyaffrontingmyears。

IcheckedhimandtoldhimIcouldnotlistentosuchtalk。

Herepliedwithaseriesofoathsandshockingvulgarities，stoppinghishorsesthathemightturnandflingthewordsintomyface。HeendedbysnarlingthatImustthinkhimafooltoimaginehedidnotknowthekindofwomanIwas。WhatwasIdoinginthatroughcountry，hedemanded，andwhywasIalonewithhiminthoseblackwoodsatnight？

Thoughmyheartmissedabeatjustthen，Itriedtoanswerhimcalmly。

``YouknowperfectlywellwhoIam，’’Iremindedhim。``AndyouunderstandthatIammakingthisjourneyto—nightbecauseIamtopreachto—morrowmorningandthereisnootherwaytokeepmyappointment。’’

Heutteredalaughwhichwasamostunpleasantsound。

``Well，’’hesaid，coolly，``I’mdamnedifI’lltakeyou。I’vegotyouhere，andI’mgoingtokeepyouhere！’’

Islippedmyhandintothesatchelinmylap，andittouchedmyrevolver。Notouchofhumanfingerseverbroughtsuchcomfort。WithadeepbreathofthanksgivingIdrewitoutandcockedit，andasIdidsoherecognizedthesuddenclick。

``Here！Whathaveyougotthere？’’hesnapped。

``Ihavearevolver，’’Ireplied，assteadilyasI

could。``Anditiscockedandaimedstraightatyourback。Nowdriveon。Ifyoustopagain，orspeak，I’llshootyou。’’

Foraninstantortwoheblustered。

``ByGod，’’hecried，``youwouldn’tdare。’’

``Wouldn’tI？’’Iasked。``Trymebyspeakingjustoncemore。’’

EvenasIspokeIfeltmyhairriseonmyscalpwiththehorrorofthemoment，whichseemedworsethananynightmareawomancouldexperience。

Butthemanwasconqueredbytheknowledgeofthewaiting，willingweaponjustbehindhim。Helaidhiswhipsavagelyonthebacksofhishorsesandtheyrespondedwithaleapthatalmostknockedmeoutofthewagon。

TherestofthenightwasablackterrorIshallneverforget。Hedidnotspeakagain，norstop，butIdarednotrelaxmycautionforaninstant。

Hourafterhourcrawledtowardday，andstillI

satintheunpierceddarkness，therevolverready。

Iknewhewasinwardlyraging，andthatatanyinstanthemightmakeasuddenjumpandtrytogettherevolverawayfromme。IdecidedthatathisslightestmovementImustshoot。Butdawncameatlast，andjustasitsbluishlighttouchedthedarktipsofthepineswedroveuptotheloghotelinthesettlementthatwasourdestination。

Heremydriverspoke。

``Getdown，’’hesaid，gruffly。``Thisistheplace。’’

Isatstill。EvenyetIdarednottrusthim。

Moreover，IwassostiffaftermyvigilthatIwasnotsureIcouldmove。

``Yougetdown，’’Idirected，``andwakeupthelandlord。Bringhimouthere。’’

Hesullenlyobeyedandarousedthehotel—owner，andwhenthelatterappearedIclimbedoutofthewagonwithsomeeffortbutwithoutexplanation。

ThatmorningIpreachedinmyfriend’spulpitasI

hadpromisedtodo，andtheroughbuildingwaspackedtoitsdoorswithlumbermenwhohadcomeinfromtheneighboringcamp。Theirappearancecausedgreatsurprise，astheyhadneverattendedaservicebefore。Theyformedamostpicturesquecongregation，fortheyallworebrilliantlumber—campclothing——blueorredshirtswithyellowscarfstwistedaroundtheirwaists，andgay—coloredjacketsandlogging—caps。Therewerefortyorfiftyofthem，andwhenwetookupourcollectiontheyrespondedwithmuchliberalityandcheerfulshoutstooneanother。

``Putinfiftycents！’’theyyelledacrossthechurch。

``Giveheradollar！’’

Thecollectionwasthelargestthathadbeentakenupinthehistoryofthesettlement，butIsoonlearnedthatitwasnotthespiritualcomfortI

offeredwhichhadappealedtothelumber—men。

Mydriverofthenightbefore，whowasoneoftheirnumber，hadtoldhispalsofhisexperience，andthewholecamphadpouredintotowntoseethewomanministerwhocarriedarevolver。

``Hersermon？’’saidoneofthemtomylandlord，afterthemeeting。``Huh！Idunnowhatshepreached。But，say，don’tmakenomistakeaboutonething：thelittlepreacherhassuregotgrit！’’

THEWOLFATTHEDOOR

WhenIreturnedtoAlbionCollegeintheautumnof1875Ibroughtwithmeaproblemwhichtormentedmeduringmywakinghoursandchatteredonmypillowatnight。ShouldIdevotetwomoreyearsofmyvanishingyouthtothecom—

pletionofmycollegecourse，or，instead，goatoncetoBostonUniversity，enteruponmytheologicalstudies，takemydegree，andbeaboutmyFather’sbusiness？

Iwasnowtwenty—sevenyearsold，andIhadbeenalicensedpreacherforthreeyears。MyreputationintheNorthwestwasgrowing，andbysermonsandlecturesIcouldcertainlyearnenoughtopaytheexpensesofthefullcollegecourse。Ontheotherhand，Bostonwasanewworld。ThereIwouldbealoneandpracticallypenniless，andtheoppor—

tunitiesforworkmightbelimited。QuitepossiblyinmyfinaltwoyearsatAlbionIcouldevensaveenoughmoneytomaketheexperienceinBostonlessdifficult，andtheclearcommonsenseIhadinheritedfrommymotherremindedmethatinthiscourselaywisdom。Possiblyitwassomein—

heritancefrommyvisionaryfatherwhichmademe，attheendofthreemonths，waivethesesagereflections，packmyfewpossessions，andstartforBoston，whereIenteredthetheologicalschooloftheuniversityinFebruary，1876。

Itwasaninstanceofsteppingoffasolidplankandintospace；andthoughthereisexhilarationinthesensation，asIdiscoveredthenandatlatercrisesinlifewhenIdidthesamething，therewasalsoanamountofsubsequentdiscomfortforwhichevenmylivelyimaginationhadnotpreparedme。

IwentthroughsomegrimmonthsinBoston——

monthsduringwhichIlearnedwhatitwastogotobedcoldandhungry，towakeupcoldandhungry，andtohavenoknowledgeofhowlongthesecon—

ditionsmightcontinue。Butnotmorethanonceortwiceduringthestrugglethere，andthenonlyforanhourortwointhephysicalandmentaldepressionattendingmalnutrition，didIregretcoming。AtthatperiodofmylifeIbelievedthattheLordhadmysmallpersonalaffairsverymuchonHismind。

IfIstarvedandfrozeitwasHistestofmyworthi—

nessfortheministry，andifHehadreallychosenmeforoneofHisservants，Hewouldseemethrough。

Thefaiththatsustainedmethenhasstillaplaceinmylife，andexistencewithoutitwouldbeaninfinitelymoredrearyaffairthanitis。ButIadmitthatInowcallupontheLordlessoftenandlessimperativelythanIdidbeforethesternyearstaughtmemyunimportanceinthegreatschemeofthings。

Myclassatthetheologicalschoolwascomposedofforty—twoyoungmenandmyunworthyself，andbeforeIhadbeenamemberofitanhourIrealizedthatwomentheologianspaidheavilyfortheprivilegeofbeingwomen。Theyoungmenofmyclasswhowerelicensedpreachersweregivenfreeaccommo—

dationsinthedormitory，andtheirboard，ataclubformedfortheirassistance，costeachofthemonlyonedollarandtwenty—fivecentsaweek。Formenosuchkindlyprovisionwasmade。Iwasnotallowedaplaceinthedormitory，butinsteadwasgiventwodollarsaweektopaytherentofaroomoutside。NeitherwasIadmittedtotheeconomicalcomfortsoftheclub，butfedmyselfaccordingtomyincome，aplanwhichworkedadmirablywhentherewasanincome，butleftanobviousvoidwhentherewasnot。

Withcharacteristicoptimism，however，IhiredalittleatticroomonTremontStreetandestablishedmyselftherein。InlieuofawindowtheroomofferedapaleskylighttotheFebruarystorms，andtherewasneitherheatinitnorrunningwater；

butitspossessiongavemeapleasantsenseofproprietorship，andthewholeexperienceseemedahighadventure。Iatoncesoughtopportunitiestopreachandlecture，butthesewereevenrarerthanfirelightandfood。InAlbionIhadbeenpracticallytheonlylicensedpreacheravailableforsubstituteandspecialwork。InBostonUniversity’sthreetheologicalclassestherewereahundredmen，eachsnatchingeagerlyattheslightestpossibilityofemployment；andwhen，despitethiscompetition，Ireceivedandrespondedtoaninvitationtopreach，IneverknewwhetherIwastobepaidformyservicesincashorincompliments。If，byahappychance，thecompensationcameincash，theamountwasrarelymorethanfivedollars，andnevermorethanten。Therewasnohelpinsightfrommyfamily，whoseearlyoppositiontomycareerasaministerhadhotlyflamedforthagainwhenIstartedEast。

Ilived，therefore，onmilkandcrackers，andforweeksatatimemyhungerwasneverwhollysatis—

fied。InmyhomeinthewildernessIhadoftenheardthewolvesprowlingaroundourdooratnight。

Now，inBoston，Iheardthemevenathighnoon。

Thereisaspecialandalmostindescribablede—

pressionattendingsuchconditions。Noonewhohasnotexperiencedthecombinationofcontinuedcold，hunger，andlonelinessinagreat，strange，indifferentcitycanrealizehowitunderminesthevictim’snervesandeventearsatthemoralfiber。

Theself—humiliationIexperiencedwasalsointense。

IhadworkedmywayintheNorthwest；whycouldInotworkmywayinBoston？Wasthere，per—

haps，somelackinmeandinmycourage？Againandagainthesequestionsroseinmymindandpoisonedmyself—confidence。TheonecomfortI

hadinthoseblackdayswastheknowledgethatnoonesuspectedthedepthoftheabyssinwhichI

dwelt。Wewereallstruggling；totheindifferentglance——andallglanceswereindifferent——mystrugglewasnoworsethanthatofmyclassmateswhoseroomsandfrugalmealsweregiventhem。

AfterafewmonthsofthisexistenceIwasalmostreadytobelievethattheLord’sworkformelayoutsideoftheministry，andwhilethisfearwasgrippingmeaseriouscrisiscameinmyfinancialaffairs。ThedaydawnedwhenIhadnotacent，noranyprospectofearningone。Mystockofprovisionsconsistedofaboxofbiscuit，andmycouragewasflowingfrommelikebloodfromanopenedvein。Thencameoneofthequickturnsofthewheelofchancewhichmakeforoptimism。

LateintheafternoonIwasaskedtodoaweekofrevivalworkwithaministerinalocalchurch，andwhenIacceptedhisinvitationImentallyresolvedtoletthatweekdecidemyfate。Myshoeshadburstopenatthesides；forlackofcar—fareIhadtowalktoandfromthesceneofmymeetings，thoughIhadbarelystrengthfortheeffort。IfmyweekofworkbroughtmeenoughtobuyapairofcheapshoesandfeedmeforafewdaysIwould，Idecided，continuemytheologicalcourse。Ifitdidnot，I

wouldgiveupthefight。

NeverhaveIworkedharderorbetterthanduringthosesevendays，whenIputintotheeffortnotonlymyheartandsoul，butthelastflameofmydyingvitality，Wehadarousingrevival——oneofthegoodold—timeaffairswhenthemourners’bencheswereconstantlyfilledandtheairresoundedwithalleluias。Theexcitementandoursuccess，mildlyaidedbytheboxofbiscuit，sustainedmethroughtheweek，andnotuntilthelastnightdidIrealizehowmuchofmehadgoneintothisfinaldesperatechargeofmine。Then，theserviceoverandthepeopledeparted，Isank，weakandtrembling，intoachair，tryingtopullmyselftogetherbeforehearingmyfateinthegood—nightwordsoftheministerIhadassisted。Whenhecametomeandbegantocom—

plimentmeontheworkIhaddone，Icouldnotrise。Isatstillandlistenedwithdowncasteyes，afraidtoliftthemlesthereadinthemsomethingofmyneedandpanicinthismomentwhenmywholefutureseemedatstake。

Atfirsthiswordsrolledaroundtheemptychurchasiftheyweretryingtogetawayfromme，butatlastIbegantocatchthem。Iwas，itseemed，amostdesirablehelper。Ithadbeenaprivilegeandapleasuretobeassociatedwithme。Beyonddoubt，Iwouldgofarinmycareer。Heheartilywishedthathecouldrewardmeadequately。I

deservedfiftydollars。

Mytiredheartflutteredatthis。Probablymyemptystomachfluttered，too；butinthenextmomentsomethingseemedtocatchmythroatandstopmybreath。Foritappearedthat，notwith—

standingtheenthusiasmandthespiritualupliftoftheweek，thecollectionshadbeenverydisap—

pointingandtheexpensesunusuallyheavy。Hecouldnotgivemefiftydollars。Hecouldnotgivemeanythingatall。Hethankedmewarmlyandwishedmegoodnight。

Imanagedtoanswerhimandtogettomyfeet，butthatjourneydowntheaislefrommychairtothechurchdoorwasthelongestjourneyIhaveevermade。DuringitIfeltnotonlytheheart—sickdisappointmentofthemoment，butthecumulativeunhappinessoftheyearstocome。Iwasfriend—

less，penniless，andstarving，butitwasnotoftheseconditionsthatIthoughtthen。Theoneover—

whelmingfactwasthatIhadbeenweighedandfoundwanting。Iwasnotworthy。

Istumbledalong，passingblindlyawomanwhostoodonthestreetnearthechurchentrance。Shestoppedme，timidly，andheldoutherhand。Thensuddenlysheputherarmsaroundmeandwept。

Shewasanoldlady，andIdidnotknowher，butitseemedfittingthatsheshouldcryjustthen，asitwouldhaveseemedfittingtomeifatthatblackmomentallthepeopleontheearthhadbrokenintosuddenwailing。

``Oh，MissShaw，’’shesaid，``I’mthehappiestwomanintheworld，andIowemyhappinesstoyou。To—nightyouhaveconvertedmygrandson。

He’sallIhaveleft，buthehasbeenawildboy，andI’veprayedoverhimforyears。Hereafterheisgoingtoleadadifferentlife。Hehasjustgivenmehispromiseonhisknees。’’

Herhandfumbledinherpurse。

``Iamapoorwoman，’’shewenton，``butIhaveenough，andIwanttomakeyoualittlepresent。

Iknowhowhardlifeisforyouyoungstudents。’’

Shepressedabillintomyfingers。``It’sverylittle，’’shesaid，humbly；``itisonlyfivedollars。’’

Ilaughed，andinthatexultantmomentIseemedtohearlifelaughingwithme。Withthepassingofthebillfromherhandtomineexistencehadbecomeanewexperience，wonderfulandbeautiful。

``It’sthebiggestgiftIhaveeverhad，’’Itoldher。

``Thislittlebillisbigenoughtocarrymyfutureonitsback！’’

Ihadagoodmealthatnight，andIboughttheshoesthenextmorning。Infinitelymoresustainingthanthefood，however，wastheconvictionthattheLordwaswithmeandhadgivenmeasignofHisapproval。Theexperiencewastheturning—