第8章

"Besides，"hecontinued，"rememberTom。AssureasyouleaveHayeswithoutsomesecurityfromMax，theboy’sruined：hewhomightbealord，ifhismotherhadbut——Psha！nevermind：thatboywillgoontheroad，assureasmyname’sWood。He’saTurpincockinhiseye，mydear，——aregularTyburnlook。Heknowstoomanyofthatsortalready；andistoofondofabottleandagirltoresistandbehonestwhenitcomestothepinch。"

"It’salltrue，"saidMrs。Hayes。"Tom’sahighmettlesomefellow，andwouldnomoremindarideonHounslowHeaththanhedoesawalknowintheMall。"

"Doyouwanthimhanged，mydear？"saidWood。

"Ah，Doctor！"

"ItISapity，andthat’ssure，"concludedMr。Wood，knockingtheashesoutofhispipe，andclosingthisinterestingconversation。

"Itisapitythatthatoldskinflintshouldbeinthewayofbothyourfortunes；andheabouttoflingyouover，too！"

Mrs。Catherineretiredmusing，asMr。Billingshadpreviouslydone；

asweetsmileofcontentmentlightedupthevenerablefeaturesofDoctorWood，andhewalkedabroadintothestreetsashappyafellowasanyinLondon。

CHAPTERXII。TREATSOFLOVE，ANDPREPARESFORDEATH。

Andtobeginthischapter，wecannotdobetterthanquoteapartofaletterfromM。l’AbbeO’FlahertytoMadamelaComtessedeX—————

atParis：

"MADAM，——ThelittleArouetdeVoltaire，whohathcome’hithertotakeaturninEngland，’asIseebythePostofthismorning，hathbroughtmeacharmingpacquetfromyourLadyship’shands，whichoughttorenderareasonablemanhappy；but，alas！makesyourslavemiserable。IthinkofdearParis（andsomethingmoredearthanallParis，ofwhich，Madam，Imaynotventuretospeakfurther）——IthinkofdearParis，andfindmyselfinthisdismalVitehall，where，whenthefogclearsup，IcancatchaglimpseofmuddyThames，andofthatfatalpalacewhichthekingsofEnglandhavebeenobligedtoexchangeforyournoblecastleofSaintGermains，thatstandssostatelybysilverSeine。Truly，nobadbargain。Formypart，I

wouldgivemygrandambassadorialsaloons，hangings，gildings，feasts，valets，ambassadorsandall，forabicoqueinsightoftheThuilleries’towers，ormylittlecellintheIrlandois。

"Mylastsheetshavegivenyouaprettynotionofourambassador’spublicdoings；nowforaprettypieceofprivatescandalrespectingthatgreatman。Figuretoyourself，Madam，hisExcellencyisinlove；actuallyinlove，talkingdayandnightaboutacertainfaironewhomhehathpickedoutofagutter；whoiswellnighfortyyearsold；whowashismistresswhenhewasinEnglandacaptainofdragoons，somesixty，seventy，orahundredyearssince；whohathhadasonbyhim，moreover，asprightlylad，apprenticetoatailorofeminencethathasthehonourofmakinghisExcellency’sbreeches。

"Sinceonefatalnightwhenhemetthisfaircreatureatacertainplaceofpubliqueresort，calledMaryleboneGardens，ourCyrushathbeenanalteredcreature。Lovehathmasteredthisbrainlessambassador，andhisanticsaffordmefoodforperpetualmirth。HesitsnowoppositetomeatatableinditingalettertohisCatherine，andcopyingitfrom——whatdoyouthink？——fromthe’GrandCyrus。’’Iswear，madam，thatmyhappinesswouldbetoofferyouthishand，asIhavemyheartlongago，andIbegyoutobearinmindthisdeclaration。’Ihavejustdictatedtohimtheabovetenderwords；forourEnvoy，Ineednottellyou，isnotstrongatwritingorthinking。

"ThefairCatherine，Imusttellyou，isnolessthanacarpenter’swife，awell—to—dobourgeois，livingattheTyburn，orGallowsRoad。

Shefoundoutherancientloververysoonafterourarrival，andhathamarvelloushankeringtobeaCount’slady。AprettylittlecreatureisthisMadamCatherine。Billets，breakfasts，prettywalks，presentsofsilksandsatins，passdailybetweenthepair；

but，strangetosay，theladyisasvirtuousasDiana，andhathresistedallmyCount’scajolerieshitherto。Thepoorfellowtoldme，withtearsinhiseyes，thathebelievedheshouldhavecarriedherbystormontheveryfirstnightoftheirmeeting，butthathersonsteppedintotheway；andheorsomebodyelsehathbeeninthewayeversince。Madamwillneverappearalone。Ibelieveitisthiswondrouschastityoftheladythathaselicitedthiswondrousconstancyofthegentleman。Sheisholdingoutforasettlement；

whoknowsifnotforamarriage？Herhusband，shesays，isailing；

herloverisfoolenough，andsheherselfconductshernegotiations，asImusthonestlyown，withaprettynotionofdiplomacy。"

***

Thisistheonlypartofthereverendgentleman’sletterthatdirectlyaffectsthishistory。TherestcontainssomescandalconcerninggreaterpersonagesabouttheCourt，agreatshareofabuseoftheElectorofHanover，andaprettydescriptionofaboxing—matchatMr。Figg’samphitheatreinOxfordRoad，whereJohnWells，ofEdmundBury（asbythepapersmaybeseen），masterofthenoblescienceofself—defence，didengagewithEdwardSutton，ofGravesend，masterofthesaidscience；andtheissueofthecombat。

"N。B。"——addstheFather，inapostscript——"MonsieurFiguegivesahattobecudgelledforbeforetheMastermount；andthewholeofthisfashionableinformationhathbeengivenmebyMonseigneur’sson，MonsieurBillings，garcon—tailleur，ChevalierdeGalgenstein。"

Mr。Billingswas，infact，afrequentvisitorattheAmbassador’shouse；towhosepresencehe，byageneralorder，wasalwaysadmitted。AsfortheconnectionbetweenMrs。Catherineandherformeradmirer，theAbbe’shistoryofitisperfectlycorrect；norcanitbesaidthatthiswretchedwoman，whosetalenowbeginstowearadarkerhue，was，inanythingbutSOUL，faithlesstoherhusband。Butshehatedhim，longedtoleavehim，andlovedanother：

theendwascomingquickly，andeveryoneofourunknowingactorsandactressesweretobeimplicated，moreorless，inthecatastrophe。

ItwillbeseenthatMrs。CathadfollowedprettycloselytheinjunctionsofMr。WoodinregardtoherdealingswiththeCount；

whogrewmoreheart—strickenandtenderdaily，asthecompletionofhiswisheswasdelayed，andhisdesiresgoadedbycontradiction。

TheAbbehasquotedoneportionofaletterwrittenbyhim；hereistheentireperformance，extracted，astheholyfathersaid，chieflyfromtheromanceofthe"GrandCyrus"。

"UnhappyMaximilianuntounjustCatherina。

"MADAM，——ItmustneedsbethatIloveyoubetterthananyeverdid，since，notwithstandingyourinjusticeincallingmeperfidious，I

loveyounolessthanIdidbefore。Onthecontrary，mypassionissoviolent，andyourunjustaccusationmakesmesosensibleofit，thatifyoudidbutknowtheresentmentsofmysoule，youwouldconfessyourselfethemostcruellandunjustwomanintheworld。

Youshall，erelong，Madam，seemeatyourfeete；andasyouweremyfirstpassion，soyouwillbemylast。

"OnmykneesIwilltellyou，atthefirsthandsomopportunity，thatthegrandureofmypassioncanonlybeequalledbyyourbeauty；ithathdrivenmetosuchafatallnecessity，asthatIcannothidethemiserywhichyouhavecaused。Sure，thehostilgoddeshave，toplagueme，ordaynedthatfatalmarridge，bywhichyouareboundtoonesoinfinitlybelowyouindegree。Werethatbondofill—omindHymencutintwaynwitchbindsyou，Iswear，Madam，thatmyhappinisswouldebetoofferyouthishande，asIhavemyhartelongagoe。AndIprayeyoutobeareinmindethisdeclaracion，whichI

heresignwithmyhande，andwitchIprayyoumayonedaybecalledupontoprovethetruthon。Beleaveme，Madam，thatthereisnoneintheWorldwhodothmorehonortoyourvertuethanmyselfe，norwhowishesyourhappinessewithmorezealthan——MAXIMILIAN。

"FrommylodgingsinWhitehall，this25thofFebruary。

"TotheincomparableCatherina，these，withascarletsattenpetticoat。"

TheCounthaddebatedaboutthesentencepromisingmarriageineventofHayes’sdeath；butthehonestAbbecutthesescruplesveryshort，bysaying，justly，that，becausehewroteinthatmanner，therewasnoneedforhimtoactso；thathehadbetternotsignandaddressthenoteinfull；andthathepresumedhisExcellencywasnotquitesotimidastofancythatthewomanwouldfollowhimallthewaytoGermany，whenhisdiplomaticdutieswouldbeended；astheywouldsoon。

ThereceiptofthisbilletcausedsuchaflushofjoyandexultationtounhappyhappyMrs。Catherine，thatWooddidnotfailtoremarkit，andspeedilylearnedthecontentsoftheletter。Woodhadnoneedtobidthepoorwretchguarditverycarefully：itneverfromthatdayforthlefther；itwashertitleofnobility，——herpasstorank，wealth，happiness。Shebegantolookdownonherneighbours；

hermannertoherhusbandgrewmorethanordinarilyscornful；thepoorvainwretchlongedtotellhersecret，andtotakeherplaceopenlyintheworld。SheaCountess，andTomaCount’sson！Shefeltthatsheshouldroyallybecomethetitle！

Aboutthistime——andHayeswasverymuchfrightenedattheprevalenceoftherumour——itsuddenlybegantobeaboutinhisquarterthathewasgoingtoquitthecountry。Thestorywasineverybody’smouth；peopleusedtosneerwhenheturnedpale，andwept，andpassionatelydeniedit。

Itwassaid，too，thatMrs。Hayeswasnothiswife，buthismistress——everybodyhadthisstory——hismistress，whomhetreatedmostcruelly，andwasabouttodesert。Thetaleoftheblowwhichhadfelledhertothegroundwasknowninallquarters。Whenhedeclaredthatthewomantriedtostabhim，nobodybelievedhim：thewomensaidhewouldhavebeenservedrightifshehaddoneso。Howhadthesestoriesgoneabroad？"Threedaysmore，andIWILLfly，"

thoughtHayes；"andtheworldmaysaywhatitpleases。"

Ay，fool，fly——awaysoswiftlythatFatecannotovertakethee：hidesocunninglythatDeathshallnotfindthyplaceofrefuge！

CHAPTERXIII。BEINGAPREPARATIONFORTHEEND。

Thereader，doubtless，dothnowpartlyunderstandwhatdarkactsofconspiracyarebeginningtogatheraroundMr。Hayes；andpossiblyhathcomprehended——

1。ThatiftherumourwasuniversallycreditedwhichdeclaredthatMrs。CatherinewasonlyHayes’smistress，andnothiswife，Shemight，ifshesoinclined，marryanotherperson；andtherebynotinjureherfameandexcitewonderment，butactuallyaddtoherreputation。

2。ThatifalltheworlddidsteadfastlybelievethatMr。Hayesintendedtodesertthiswoman，afterhavingcruellymaltreatedher，Thedirectionwhichhisjourneymighttakewouldbeofnoconsequence；andhemightgotoHighgate，toEdinburgh，toConstantinople，nay，downawell，andnosoulwouldcaretoaskwhitherhehadgone。

ThesepointsMr。Hayeshadnotconsideredduly。Thelattercasehadbeenputtohim，andannoyedhim，aswehaveseen；theformerhadactuallybeenpresseduponhimbyMrs。Hayesherself；who，inalmosttheonlycommunicationshehadhadwithhimsincetheirlastquarrel，hadaskedhim，angrily，inthepresenceofWoodandherson，whetherhehaddaredtouttersuchlies，andhowitcametopassthattheneighbourslookedscornfullyather，andavoidedher？

TothischargeMr。Hayespleaded，verymeekly，thathewasnotguilty；andyoungBillings，takinghimbythecollar，andclinchinghisfistinhisface，sworeadreadfuloaththathewouldhavethelifeofhimifhedaredabusehismother。Mrs。Hayesthenspokeofthegeneralreportabroad，thathewasgoingtodeserther；which，ifheattemptedtodo，Mr。BillingsvowedthathewouldfollowhimtoJerusalemandhavehisblood。Thesethreats，andtheinsolentlanguageofyoungBillings，rathercalmedHayesthanagitatedhim：

helongedtobeonhisjourney；buthebegantohopethatnoobstaclewouldbeplacedinthewayofit。Forthefirsttimesincemanydays，hebegantoenjoyafeelingsomethingakintosecurity，andcouldlookwithtolerableconfidencetowardsacomfortablecompletionofhisownschemesoftreason。

Thesepointsbeingdulysettled，wearenowarrived，Opublic，atapointforwhichtheauthor’ssoulhathbeenyearningeversincethishistorycommenced。Wearenowcome，Ocritic，toastageoftheworkwhenthistalebeginstoassumeanappearancesointerestinglyhorrific，thatyoumusthaveaheartofstoneifyouarenotinterestedbyit。Ocandidanddiscerningreader，whoartsickofthehideousscenesofbrutalbloodshedwhichhaveoflatecomeforthfrompensofcertaineminentwits，*ifyouturnawaydisgustedfromthebook，rememberthatthispassagehathnotbeenwrittenforyou，orsuchasyou，whohavetastetoknowandhatethestyleinwhichithathbeencomposed；butforthepublic，whichhathnosuchtaste：——forthepublic，whichcanpatronisefourdifferentrepresentationsofJackSheppard，——forthepublicwhomitsliteraryprovidershavegorgedwithbloodandfoulNewgategarbage，——andtowhomwepoorcreatures，humblyfollowingatthetailofourgreathigh—priestsandprophetsofthepress，may，asindutybound，offersomesmallgiftofourown：alittlemitetruly，butgivenwithgood—will。Comeup，then，fairCatherineandbraveCount；——appear，gallantBrock，andfaultlessBillings；——hastenhither，honestJohnHayes：theformerchaptersarebutflowersinwhichwehavebeendeckingyouforthesacrifice。Ascendtothealtar，yeinnocentlambs，andprepareforthefinalact：lo！theknifeissharpened，andthesacrificerready！Stretchyourthroats，sweetones，——forthepublicisthirsty，andmusthaveblood！

*Thiswaswrittenin1840。

CHAPTERTHELAST。

ThatMr。HayeshadsomenotionoftheattachmentofMonsieurdeGalgensteinforhiswifeisverycertain：themancouldnotbutperceivethatshewasmoregailydressed，andmorefrequentlyabsentthanusual；andmusthavebeenquiteawarethatfromthedayofthequarreluntilthepresentperiod，Catherinehadneveraskedhimforashillingforthehouseexpenses。Hehadnotthehearttooffer，however；nor，intruth，didsheseemtorememberthatmoneywasdue。

Shereceived，infact，manysumsfromthetenderCount。Tomwaslikewiseliberallyprovidedbythesamepersonage；whowas，moreover，continuallysendingpresentsofvariouskindstothepersononwhomhisaffectionswerecentred。

Oneofthesegiftswasahamperofchoicemountain—wine，whichhadbeensomeweeksinthehouse，andexcitedthelongingofMr。Hayes，wholovedwineverymuch。ThisliquorwasgenerallydrunkbyWoodandBillings，whoapplaudeditgreatly；andmanytimes，inpassingthroughtheback—parlour，——whichhehadtotraverseinordertoreachthestair，Hayeshadcastatendereyetowardsthedrink；ofwhich，hadhedared，hewouldhavepartaken。

Onthe1stofMarch，intheyear1726，Mr。Hayeshadgatheredtogetheralmostthewholesumwithwhichheintendedtodecamp；andhavingonthatverydayrecoveredtheamountofabillwhichhethoughtalmosthopeless，hereturnedhomeintolerablegood—humour；

andfeeling，sonearwashisperiodofdeparture，somethinglikesecurity。Nobodyhadattemptedtheleastviolenceonhim：besides，hewasarmedwithpistols，hadhismoneyinbillsinabeltabouthisperson，andreallyreasonedwithhimselfthattherewasnodangerforhimtoapprehend。

Heenteredthehouseaboutdusk，atfiveo’clock。Mrs。HayeswasabsentwithMr。Billings；onlyMr。Woodwassmoking，accordingtohiswont，inthelittleback—parlour；andasMr。Hayespassed，theoldgentlemanaddressedhiminafriendlyvoice，and，wonderingthathehadbeensuchastranger，invitedhimtositandtakeaglassofwine。Therewasalightandaforemanintheshop；Mr。Hayesgavehisinjunctionstothatperson，andsawnoobjectiontoMr。Wood’sinvitation。

Theconversation，atfirstalittlestiffbetweenthetwogentlemen，beganspeedilytogrowmoreeasyandconfidential：andsoparticularlyblandandgood—humouredwasMr。，orDoctorWood，thathiscompanionwasquitecaught，andsoftenedbythecharmofhismanner；andthepairbecameasgoodfriendsasintheformerdaysoftheirintercourse。

"Iwishyouwouldcomedownsometimesofevenings，"quothDoctorWood；"for，thoughnobook—learnedman，Mr。Hayes，lookyou，youareamanoftheworld，andIcan’tabidethesocietyofboys。There’sTom，now，sincethistiffwithMrs。Cat，thescoundrelplaystheGrankTurkhere！Thepairof’em，betwixtthem，havecompletelygottentheupperhandofyou。Confessthatyouarebeaten，MasterHayes，anddon’tliketheboy？"

"NomoreIdo，"saidHayes；"andthat’sthetruthon’t。Amandothnotliketohavehiswife’ssinsflunginhisface，nortobeperpetuallybulliedinhisownhousebysuchafierysprigasthat。"

"Mischief，sir，——mischiefonly，"saidWood："’tisthefunofyouth，sir，andwillgooffasagecomestothelad。Badasyoumaythinkhim——andheisasskittishandfierce，sureenough，asayoungcolt———thereisgoodstuffinhim；andthoughhehath，orfancieshehath，therighttoabuseeveryone，bytheLordhewillletnoneothersdoso！Lastweek，now，didn’thetellMrs。Catthatyouservedherrightinthelastbeatingmatter？andweren’ttheycomingtoknives，justasinyourcase？Bymyfaith，theywere。Ay，andatthe"Braund’sHead，"whensomefellowsaidthatyouwereabloodyBluebeard，andwouldmurderyourwife，stabmeifTomwasn’tupinaninstantandknockedthefellowdownforabusingofyou！"

Thefirstofthesestorieswasquitetrue；thesecondwasonlyacharitableinventionofMr。Wood，andemployed，doubtless，fortheamiablepurposeofbringingtheoldandyoungmentogether。Theschemepartiallysucceeded；for，thoughHayeswasnotsofarmollifiedtowardsTomastoentertainanyaffectionforayoungmanwhomhehadcordiallydetestedeversinceheknewhim，yethefeltmoreateaseandcheerfulregardinghimself：andsurelynotwithoutreason。Whileindulginginthesebenevolentsentiments，Mrs。

Catherineandhersonarrived，andfound，somewhattotheirastonishment，Mr。Hayesseatedintheback—parlour，asinformertimes；andtheywereinvitedbyMr。Woodtositdownanddrink。

Wehavesaidthatcertainbottlesofmountain—winewerepresentedbytheCounttoMrs。Catherine：thesewere，atMr。Wood’ssuggestion，produced；andHayes，whohadlongbeencovetingthem，wascharmedtohaveanopportunitytodrinkhisfill。Heforthwithbeganbraggingofhisgreatpowersasadrinker，andvowedthathecouldmanageeightbottleswithoutbecomingintoxicated。

Mr。Woodgrinnedstrangely，andlookedinapeculiarwayatTomBillings，whogrinnedtoo。Mrs。Cat’seyeswereturnedtowardstheground：butherfacewasdeadlypale。

Thepartybegandrinking。Hayeskeptuphisreputationasatoper，andswallowedone，two，threebottleswithoutwincing。Hegrewtalkativeandmerry，andbegantosingsongsandtocutjokes；atwhichWoodlaughedhugely，andBillingsafterhim。Mrs。Catcouldnotlaugh；butsatsilent。

Whatailedher？WasshethinkingoftheCount？ShehadbeenwithMaxthatday，andhadpromisedhim，forthenextnightatten，aninterviewnearhislodgingsatWhitehall。Itwasthefirsttimethatshewouldseehimalone。Theyweretomeet（notaverycheerfulplaceforalove—tryst）atSt。Margaret’schurchyard，nearWestminsterAbbey。Ofthis，nodoubt，Catwasthinking；butwhatcouldshemeanbywhisperingtoWood，"No，no！forGod’ssake，nottonight！"

"Shemeanswearetohavenomoreliquor，"saidWoodtoMr。Hayes；

whoheardthissentence，andseemedratheralarmed。

"That’sit，——nomoreliquor，"saidCatherineeagerly；"youhavehadenoughto—night。Gotobed，andlockyourdoor，andsleep，Mr。

Hayes。"

"ButIsayI’veNOThadenoughdrink！"screamedHayes；"I’mgoodforfivebottlesmore，andwagerIwilldrinkthemtoo。"

"Done，foraguinea！"saidWood。

"Done，anddone！"saidBillings。

"BeYOUquiet！"growledHayes，scowlingatthelad。"IwilldrinkwhatIplease，andasknocounselofyours。"AndhemutteredsomemorecursesagainstyoungBillings，whichshowedwhathisfeelingsweretowardshiswife’sson；andwhichthelatter，forawonder，onlyreceivedwithascornfulsmile，andaknowinglookatWood。

Well！thefiveextrabottleswerebrought，anddrunkbyMr。Hayes；

andseasonedbymanysongsfromtherecueilofMr。Thomasd’Urfeyandothers。ThechiefpartofthetalkandmerrimentwasonHayes’spart；as，indeed，wasnatural，——for，whilehedrankbottleafterbottleofwine，theothertwogentlemenconfinedthemselvestosmallbeer，——bothpleadingillnessasanexcusefortheirsobriety。

Andnowmightwedepict，withmuchaccuracy，thecourseofMr。

Hayes’sintoxication，asitrosefromthemerrimentofthethree—bottlepointtothemadnessofthefour——fromtheuproariousquarrelsomenessofthesixthbottletothesicklystupidityoftheseventh；butwearedesirousofbringingthistaletoaconclusion，andmustpretermitallconsiderationofasubjectsocurious，soinstructive，andsodelightful。Sufficeittosay，asamatterofhistory，thatMr。Hayesdidactuallydrinksevenbottlesofmountain—wine；andthatMr。ThomasBillingswenttothe"Braund’sHead，"inBondStreet，andpurchasedanother，whichHayeslikewisedrank。

"That’lldo，"saidMr。WoodtoyoungBillings；andtheyledHayesuptobed，whither，intruth，hewasunabletowalkhimself。

***

Mrs。Springatt，thelodger，camedowntoaskwhatthenoisewas。

"’TisonlyTomBillingsmakingmerrywithsomefriendsfromthecountry，"answeredMrs。Hayes；whereuponSpringattretired，andthehousewasquiet。

***

Somescufflingandstampingwasheardabouteleveno’clock。

***

AftertheyhadseenMr。Hayestobed，BillingsrememberedthathehadaparceltocarrytosomepersonintheneighbourhoodoftheStrand；and，asthenightwasremarkablyfine，heandMr。Woodagreedtowalktogether，andsetforthaccordingly。

（HerefollowsadescriptionoftheTHAMESATMIDNIGHT，inafinehistoricalstyle；withanaccountofLambeth，Westminster，theSavoy，Baynard’sCastle，ArundelHouse，theTemple；ofOldLondonBridge，withitstwentyarches，"onwhichbehousesbuilded，sothatitseemethratheracontinuallstreetthanabridge；"——ofBankside，andthe"Globe"andthe"Fortune"Theatres；oftheferriesacrosstheriver，andofthepirateswhoinfestthesame——namely，tinklermen，petermen，hebbermen，trawlermen；ofthefleetofbargesthatlayattheSavoysteps；andofthelonglinesofslimwherriessleepingontheriverbanksandbaskingandshininginthemoonbeams。Acombatontheriverisdescribed，thattakesplacebetweenthecrewsofatinklerman’sboatandthewater—bailiffs。

Shoutinghiswar—cry，"St。MaryOveryalarescousse！"thewater—bailiffsprungatthethroatofthetinklermancaptain。Thecrewsofbothvessels，asifawarethatthestruggleoftheirchiefswoulddecidethecontest，ceasedhostilities，andawaitedontheirrespectivepoopstheissueofthedeath—shock。Itwasnotlongcoming。"Yield，dog！"saidthewater—bailiff。Thetinklermancouldnotanswer——forhisthroatwasgraspedtootightintheironclenchofthecitychampion；butdrawinghissnickersnee，heplungeditseventimesinthebailiff’schest：stillthelatterfellnot。Thedeath—rattlegurgledinthethroatofhisopponent；hisarmsfellheavilytohisside。Foottofoot，eachstandingatthesideofhisboat，stoodthebravemen——THEYWEREBOTHDEAD！"InthenameofSt。

ClementDanes，"saidthemaster，"giveway，mymen！"and，thrustingforwardhishalberd（sevenfeetlong，richlydecoratedwithvelvetandbrassnails，andhavingthecityarms，argent，acrossgules，andinthefirstquarteradaggerdisplayedofthesecond），hethrustthetinklerman’sboatawayfromhisown；andatoncethebodiesofthecaptainsplungeddown，down，down，downintheunfathomablewaters。

Afterthisfollowsanotherepisode。TwomaskedladiesquarrelatthedoorofatavernoverlookingtheThames：theyturnouttobeStellaandVanessa，whohavefollowedSwiftthither；whoisintheactofreading"Gulliver’sTravels"toGay，Arbuthnot，Bolingbroke，andPope。Twofellowsaresittingshudderingunderadoorway；tooneofthemTomBillingsflungasixpence。Helittleknewthatthenamesofthosetwoyoungmenwere——SamuelJohnsonandRichardSavage。）

ANOTHERLASTCHAPTER。

Mr。Hayesdidnotjointhefamilythenextday；anditappearsthatthepreviousnight’sreconciliationwasnotverydurable；forwhenMrs。SpringattaskedWoodforHayes，Mr。WoodstatedthatHayeshadgoneawaywithoutsayingwhitherhewasbound，orhowlonghemightbeabsent。Heonlysaid，inratherasulkytone，thatheshouldprobablypassthenightatafriend’shouse。"Formypart，Iknowofnofriendhehath，"addedMr。Wood；"andprayHeaventhathemaynotthinkofdesertinghispoorwife，whomhehathbeatenandill—usedsoalready！"InthisprayerMrs。Springattjoined；andsothesetwoworthypeopleparted。

WhatbusinessBillingswasaboutcannotbesaid；buthewasthisnightboundtowardsMaryleboneFields，ashewasthenightbeforefortheStrandandWestminster；and，althoughthenightwasverystormyandrainy，asthepreviouseveninghadbeenfine，oldWoodgood—naturedlyresolveduponaccompanyinghim；andforththeysalliedtogether。

Mrs。Catherine，too，hadHERbusiness，aswehaveseen；butthiswasofaverydelicatenature。Atnineo’clock，shehadanappointmentwiththeCount；andfaithfully，bythathour，hadfoundherwaytoSaintMargaret’schurchyard，nearWestminsterAbbey，wheresheawaitedMonsieurdeGalgenstein。

Thespotwasconvenient，beingverylonely，andatthesametimeclosetotheCount’slodgingsatWhitehall。HisExcellencycame，butsomewhatafterthehour；for，tosaythetruth，beingafreethinker，hehadthemostfirmbeliefinghostsanddemons，anddidnotcaretopaceachurchyardalone。Hewascomforted，therefore，whenhesawawomanmuffledinacloak，whoheldoutherhandtohimatthegate，andsaid，"Isthatyou？"Hetookherhand，——itwasveryclammyandcold；andatherdesirehebadehisconfidentialfootman，whohadattendedhimwithatorch，toretire，andleavehimtohimself。

Thetorch—bearerretired，andleftthemquiteindarkness；andthepairenteredthelittlecemetery，cautiouslythreadingtheirwayamongthetombs。Theysatdownonone，underneathatreeitseemedtobe；thewindwasverycold，anditspiteoushowlingwastheonlynoisethatbrokethesilenceoftheplace。Catherine’steethwerechattering，forallherwraps；andwhenMaxdrewherclosetohim，andencircledherwaistwithonearm，andpressedherhand，shedidnotrepulsehim，butrathercameclosetohim，andwithherowndampfingersfeeblyreturnedhispressure。

Thepoorthingwasverywretchedandweeping。SheconfidedtoMaxthecauseofhergrief。Shewasaloneintheworld，——aloneandpenniless。Herhusbandhadlefther；shehadthatverydayreceivedaletterfromhimwhichconfirmedallthatshehadsuspectedsolong。Hehadlefther，carriedawayallhisproperty，andwouldnotreturn！

IfwesaythataselfishjoyfilledthebreastofMonsieurdeGalgenstein，thereaderwillnotbeastonished。Aheartlesslibertine，hefeltgladattheprospectofCatherine’sruin；forhehopedthatnecessitywouldmakeherhisown。Heclaspedthepoorthingtohisheart，andvowedthathewouldreplacethehusbandshehadlost，andthathisfortuneshouldbehers。

"Willyoureplacehim？"saidshe。

"Yes，truly，ineverythingbutthename，dearCatherine；andwhenhedies，IswearyoushallbeCountessofGalgenstein。"

"Willyouswear？"shecried，eagerly。

"Byeverythingthatismostsacred：wereyoufreenow，Iwould"

（andherehesworeaterrificoath）"atoncemakeyoumine。"

WehaveseenbeforethatitcostMonsieurdeGalgensteinnothingtomakethesevows。Hayeswaslikely，too，toliveaslongasCatherine——aslong，atleast，astheCount’sconnectionwithher；

buthewascaughtinhisownsnare。

Shetookhishandandkisseditrepeatedly，andbatheditinhertears，andpressedittoherbosom。"Max，"shesaid，"IAMFREE！

Bemine，andIwillloveyouasIhavedoneforyearsandyears。"

Maxstartedback。"What，ishedead？"hesaid。

"No，no，notdead：butheneverwasmyhusband。"

Heletgoherhand，and，interruptingher，saidsharply，"Indeed，madam，ifthiscarpenterneverwasyourhusband，Iseenocausewhy_I_shouldbe。Ifalady，whohathbeenfortwentyyearsthemistressofamiserablecountryboor，cannotfinditinherhearttoputupwiththeprotectionofanobleman——asovereign’srepresentative——shemayseekahusbandelsewhere！"

"Iwasnoman’smistressexceptyours，"sobbedCatherine，wringingherhandsandsobbingwildly；"but，OHeaven！Ideservedthis。

BecauseIwasachild，andyousaw，andruined，andleftme——because，inmysorrowandrepentance，Iwishedtorepairmycrime，andwastouchedbythatman’slove，andmarriedhim——becausehetoodeceivesandleavesme——because，afterlovingyou——madlylovingyoufortwentyyears——Iwillnotnowforfeityourrespect，anddegrademyselfbyyieldingtoyourwill，youtoomustscornme！

Itistoomuch——toomuch——OHeaven！"Andthewretchedwomanfellbackalmostfainting。

Maxwasalmostfrightenedbythisburstofsorrowonherpart，andwascomingforwardtosupporther；butshemotionedhimaway，and，takingfromherbosomaletter，said，"Ifitwerelight，youcouldsee，Max，howcruellyIhavebeenbetrayedbythatmanwhocalledhimselfmyhusband。Longbeforehemarriedme，hewasmarriedtoanother。Thiswomanisstillliving，hesays；andhesaysheleavesmeforever。"

Atthismomentthemoon，whichhadbeenhiddenbehindWestminsterAbbey，roseabovethevastblackmassofthatedifice，andpouredafloodofsilverlightuponthelittlechurchofSt。Margaret’s，andthespotwheretheloversstood。MaxwasatalittledistancefromCatherine，pacinggloomilyupanddowntheflags。Sheremainedatheroldpositionatthetombstoneunderthetree，orpillar，asitseemedtobe，asthemoongotup。Shewasleaningagainstthepillar，andholdingouttoMax，withanarmbeautifullywhiteandrounded，thelettershehadreceivedfromherhusband："Readit，Max，"shesaid："Iaskedforlight，andhereisHeaven’sown，bywhichyoumayread。"

ButMaxdidnotcomeforwardtoreceiveit。Onasuddenhisfaceassumedalookofthemostdreadfulsurpriseandagony。Hestoodstill，andstaredwithwildeyesstartingfromtheirsockets；hestaredupwards，atapointseeminglyaboveCatherine’shead。Atlastheraiseduphisfingerslowlyandsaid，"Look，Cat——THE

HEAD——THEHEAD！"Thenutteringahorriblelaugh，hefelldowngrovellingamongthestones，gibberingandwrithinginafitofepilepsy。

Catherinestartedforwardandlookedup。Shehadbeenstandingagainstapost，notatree——themoonwasshiningfullonitnow；andonthesummitstrangelydistinct，andsmilingghastly，wasalividhumanhead。

Thewretchedwomanfled——shedaredlooknomore。Andsomehoursafterwards，when，alarmedbytheCount’scontinuedabsence，hisconfidentialservantcamebacktoseekforhiminthechurchyard，hewasfoundsittingontheflags，staringfullatthehead，andlaughing，andtalkingtoitwildly，andnoddingatit。Hewastakenupahopelessidiot，andsolivedforyearsandyears；clankingthechain，andmoaningunderthelash，andhowlingthroughlongnightswhenthemoonpeeredthroughthebarsofhissolitarycell，andheburiedhisfaceinthestraw。

***

There——themurderisout！Andhavingindulgedhimselfinachapteroftheveryfinestwriting，theauthorbegstheattentionoftheBritishpublictowardsit；humblyconceivingthatitpossessessomeofthosepeculiarmeritswhichhaverenderedthefinewritinginotherchaptersoftheworksofotherauthorssofamous。

Withoutbraggingatall，letusjustpointoutthechiefclaimsoftheabovepleasingpieceofcomposition。Inthefirstplace，itisperfectlystiltedandunnatural；thedialogueandthesentimentsbeingartfullyarranged，soastobeasstrongandmajesticaspossible。OurdearCatisbutapoorilliteratecountrywench，whohascomefromcuttingherhusband’sthroat；andyet，see！shetalksandlookslikeatragedyprincess，whoissufferinginthemostvirtuousblankverse。Thisistheproperendoffiction，andoneofthegreatesttriumphsthatanovelistcanachieve：fortomakepeoplesympathisewithvirtueisavulgartrickthatanycommonfellowcando；butitisnoteverybodywhocantakeascoundrel，andcauseustoweepandwhimperoverhimasthoughhewereaverysaint。Giveayoungladyoffiveyearsoldaskeinofsilkandabraceofnetting—needles，andshewillinashorttimeturnyououtadecentsilkpurse——anybodycan；buttryherwithasow’sear，andseewhethershecanmakeasilkpurseoutofTHAT。Thatistheworkforyourrealgreatartist；andpleasantitistoseehowmanyhavesucceededintheselatterdays。

Thesubjectisstrictlyhistorical，asanyonemayseebyreferringtotheDailyPostofMarch3，1726，whichcontainsthefollowingparagraph：

"Yesterdaymorning，early，aman’shead，thatbythefreshnessofitseemedtohavebeennewlycutofffromthebody，havingitsownhairon，wasfoundbytheriver’sside，nearMillbank，Westminster，andwasafterwardsexposedtopublicviewinSt。Margaret’schurchyard，wherethousandsofpeoplehaveseenit；butnonecouldtellwhotheunhappypersonwas，muchlesswhocommittedsuchahorridandbarbarousaction。Therearevariousconjecturesrelatingtothedeceased；buttherebeingnothingcertain，weomitthem。Theheadwasmuchhackedandmangledinthecuttingoff。"

TheheadwhichcausedsuchanimpressionuponMonsieurdeGalgensteinwas，indeed，onceontheshouldersofMr。JohnHayes，wholostitunderthefollowingcircumstances。WehaveseenhowMr。

Hayeswasinducedtodrink。Mr。Hayeshavingbeenencouragedindrinkingthewine，andgrowingverymerrytherewith，hesanganddancedabouttheroom；buthiswife，fearingthequantityhehaddrunkwouldnothavethewished—foreffectonhim，shesentawayforanotherbottle，ofwhichhedrankalso。Thiseffectuallyansweredtheirexpectations；andMr。Hayesbecametherebyintoxicated，anddeprivedofhisunderstanding。

He，however，madeshifttogetintotheotherroom，and，throwinghimselfuponthebed，fellasleep；uponwhichMrs。Hayesremindedthemoftheaffairinhand，andtoldthemthatwasthemostproperjuncturetofinishthebusiness。*

***

*Thedescriptionofthemurderandtheexecutionoftheculprits，whichherefollowsintheoriginal，wastakenfromthenewspapersoftheday。Comingfromsuchasourcetheyhave，asmaybeimagined，noliterarymeritwhatever。Thedetailsofthecrimearesimplyhorrible，withoutonetouchofeventhatsortofromancewhichsometimesgivesalittledignitytomurder。AssuchtheypreciselysuitedMr。Thackeray’spurposeatthetime——whichwastoshowtherealmannersandcustomsoftheSheppardsandTurpinswhowerethenthepopularheroesoffiction。Butnowadaysthereisnosuchpurposetoserve，andthereforethesetooliteraldetailsareomitted。

***

Ring，ding，ding！thegloomygreencurtaindrops，thedramatispersonaearedulydisposedof，thenimblecandlesnuffersputoutthelights，andtheaudiencegoethponderinghome。Ifthecritictakethepainstoaskwhytheauthor，whohathbeensodiffuseindescribingtheearlyandfabulousactsofMrs。Catherine’sexistence，shouldsohurryoffthecatastrophewhereadealoftheveryfinestwritingmighthavebeenemployed，Solomonsrepliesthatthe"ordinary"narrativeisfarmoreemphaticthananycompositionofhisowncouldbe，withalltherhetoricalgraceswhichhemightemploy。Mr。Aram’strial，astakenbythepenny—a—linersofthosedays，hadalwaysinterestedhimmorethanthelengthenedandpoeticalreportwhichaneminentnovelisthasgivenofthesame。

Mr。Turpin’sadventuresaremoreinstructiveandagreeabletohimintheaccountoftheNewgatePlutarch，thaninthelearnedAinsworth’sBiographicalDictionary。Andashebelievesthattheprofessionalgentlemenwhoareemployedtoinvestsuchheroeswiththerewardsthattheirgreatactionsmerit，willgothroughtheceremonyofthegrandcordonwithmuchmoreaccuracyanddespatchthancanbeshownbythemostdistinguishedamateur；inlikemannerhethinksthatthehistoryofsuchinvestituresshouldbewrittenbypeopledirectlyconcerned，andnotbyadmiringpersonswithout，whomustbeignorantofmanyofthesecretsofKetchcraft。WeverymuchdoubtifMiltonhimselfcouldmakeadescriptionofanexecutionhalfsohorribleasthesimplelinesintheDailyPostofahundredandtenyearssince，thatnowliesbeforeus——"herrlichwieamerstenTag，"——asbrightandcleanasonthedayofpublication。Thinkofit！ithasbeenreadbyBelindaathertoilet，scannedat"Button’s"and"Will’s，"

sneeredatbywits，talkedofinpalacesandcottages，byabusyraceinwigs，redheels，hoops，patches，andragsofallvariety——abusyracethathathlongsinceplungedandvanishedintheunfathomablegulftowardswhichwemarchsobriskly。

Wherearethey？"AfflavitDeus"——andtheyaregone！Hark！isnotthesamewindroaringstillthatshallsweepusdown？andyonderstandsthecompositorathistypeswhoshallputupaprettyparagraphsomedaytosayhow，"Yesterday，athishouseinGrosvenorSquare，"or"AtBotanyBay，universallyregretted，"diedSo—and—So。

IntowhatprofoundmoralitiesistheparagraphconcerningMrs。

Catherine’sburningleadingus！

Ay，truly，andtothatverypointhavewewishedtocome；for，havingfinishedourdelectablemeal，itbehovesustosayawordortwobywayofgraceatitsconclusion，andbeheartilythankfulthatitisover。Ithasbeenthewriter’sobjectcarefullytoexcludefromhisdrama（exceptintwoveryinsignificantinstances——merewalking—gentlemenparts），anycharactersbutthoseofscoundrelsoftheveryhighestdegree。Thathehasnotaltogetherfailedintheobjecthehadinview，isevidentfromsomenewspapercritiqueswhichhehashadthegoodfortunetosee；andwhichabusethetaleof"Catherine"asoneofthedullest，mostvulgar，andimmoralworksextant。Itishighlygratifyingtotheauthortofindthatsuchopinionsareabroad，astheyconvincehimthatthetasteforNewgateliteratureisonthewane，andthatwhenthepubliccritichasrightdownundisguisedimmoralitysetbeforehim，thehonestcreatureisshockedatit，asheshouldbe，andcandeclarehisindignationingoodroundtermsofabuse。ThecharactersofthetaleAREimmoral，andnodoubtofit；butthewriterhumblyhopestheendisnotso。

Thepublicwas，inournotion，dosedandpoisonedbytheprevailingstyleofliterarypractice，anditwasnecessarytoadministersomemedicinethatwouldproduceawholesomenausea，andafterwardsbringaboutamorehealthyhabit。

And，thankHeaven，thiseffectHASbeenproducedinverymanyinstances，andthatthe"Catherine"cathartichasactedmostefficaciously。Theauthorhasbeenpleasedatthedisgustwhichhisworkhasexcited，andhaswatchedwithbenevolentcarefulnessthewryfacesthathavebeenmadebymanyofthepatientswhohaveswallowedthedose。Solomonsremembers，attheestablishmentinBirchinLanewherehehadthehonourofreceivinghiseducation，thereusedtobeadministeredtotheboysacertaincough—medicine，whichwassoexcessivelyagreeablethatalltheladslongedtohavecoldsinordertopartakeoftheremedy。Someofourpopularnovelistshavecompoundedtheirdrugsinasimilarway，andmadethemsopalatablethatapublic，oncehealthyandhonest，hasbeenwell—nighpoisonedbytheirwares。Solomonsdefiesanyonetosaythelikeofhimself——thathisdoseshavebeenaspleasantaschampagne，andhispillsassweetasbarley—sugar；——ithasbeenhisattempttomakevicetoappearentirelyvicious；andinthoseinstanceswherehehathoccasionallyintroducedsomethinglikevirtue，tomaketheshamasevidentaspossible，andnotallowthemeanestcapacityasinglechancetomistakeit。

Andwhathasbeentheconsequence？Thatwholesomenauseawhichithasbeenhisgoodfortunetocreatewhereverhehasbeenallowedtopractiseinhishumblecircle。

Hasanyonethrownawayahalfpennyworthofsympathyuponanypersonmentionedinthishistory？Surelyno。ButablerandmorefamousmenthanSolomonshavetakenadifferentplan；anditbecomeseverymaninhisvocationtocryoutagainstsuch，andexposetheirerrorsasbesthemay。

Labouringundersuchideas，Mr。IsaacSolomons，junior，producedtheromanceofMrs。Cat，andconfesseshimselfcompletelyhappytohavebroughtittoaconclusion。Hispoemmaybedull——ay，andprobablyis。ThegreatBlackmore，thegreatDennis，thegreatSprat，thegreatPomfret，nottomentiongreatmenofourowntime——havetheynotalsobeendull，andhadprettyreputationstoo？BeitgrantedSolomonsISdull；butdon’tattackhismorality；hehumblysubmitsthat，inhispoem，nomanshallmistakevirtueforvice，nomanshallallowasinglesentimentofpityoradmirationtoenterhisbosomforanycharacterofthepiece：itbeing，frombeginningtoend，asceneofunmixedrascalityperformedbypersonswhoneverdeviateintogoodfeeling。Andalthoughhedothnotpretendtoequalthegreatmodernauthors，whomhehathmentioned，inwitordescriptivepower；yet，inthepointofmoral，hemeeklybelievesthathehasbeentheirsuperior；feelingthegreatestdisgustforthecharactershedescribes，andusinghishumbleendeavourtocausethepublicalsotohatethem。

HorsemongerLane：January1840。