第6章

"ThesedeservedpunishmentsdidnotatallalterCaptainMacshane’sdisposition；andonthe17thofFebruarylast，hestoppedtheBavarianEnvoy’scoachonBlackheath，comingfromDover，androbbedhisExcellencyandhischaplain；takingfromtheformerhismoney，watches，star，afur—cloak，hissword（averyvaluableone）；andfromthelatteraRomishmissal，outofwhichhewasthenreading，andacase—bottle。"

"TheBavarianEnvoy！"saidTomparenthetically。"Mymaster，Beinkleider，washisLordship’sregimentaltailorinGermany，andisnowmakingaCourtsuitforhim。Itwillbeamatterofahundredpoundstohim，Iwarrant。"

DoctorWoodresumedhisreading。"Hum——hum！ARomishmissal，outofwhichhewasreading，andacase—bottle。

"BymeansofthefamousMr。Wild，thisnotoriouscriminalwasbroughttojustice，andthecase—bottleandmissalhavebeenrestoredtoFatherO’Flaherty。

"DuringhisconfinementinNewgate，Mr。Macshanecouldnotbebroughttoexpressanycontritionforhiscrimes，exceptthatofhavingkilledhiscommandingofficer。ForthisWoodhepretendedanexcessivesorrow，andvowedthatusquebaughhadbeenthecauseofhisdeath，——indeed，inprisonhepartookofnootherliquor，anddrunkabottleofitonthedaybeforehisdeath。

"Hewasvisitedbyseveraloftheclergyandgentryinhiscell；

amongothers，bythePopishpriestwhomhehadrobbed，FatherO’FIaherty，beforementioned，whoattendedhimlikewiseinhislastmoments（ifthatidolatrousworshipmaybecalledattention），andlikewisebytheFather’spatron，theBavarianAmbassador，hisExcellencyCountMaximiliandeGalgenstein。"

AsoldWoodcametothesewords，hepausedtogivethemutterance。

"What！Max？"screamedMrs。Hayes，lettingherink—bottlefalloverherledgers。

"Why，behangedifitben’tmyfather！"saidMr。Billings。

"Yourfather，sureenough，unlesstherebeothersofhisname，andunlessthescoundrelishanged，"saidtheDoctor——sinkinghisvoice，however，attheendofthesentence。

Mr。Billingsbrokehispipeinanagonyofjoy。"Ithinkwe’llhavethecoachnow，Mother，"sayshe；"andI’mblessedifPollyBriggsshallnotlookasfineasaduchess。"

"PollyBriggsisalowslut，Tom，andnotfitforthelikesofyou，hisExcellency’sson。Oh，fie！Youmustbeagentlemannow，sirrah；andIdoubtwhetherIshan’ttakeyouawayfromthatodioustailor’sshopaltogether。"

TothispropositionMr。Billingsobjectedaltogether；for，besidesMrs。Briggsbeforealludedto，theyounggentlemanwasmuchattachedtohismaster’sdaughter，Mrs。MargaretGretel，orGretchenBeinkleider。

"No，"sayshe。"Therewillbetimetothinkofthathereafter，ma’am。Ifmypamakesamanofme，why，ofcourse，theshopmaygotothedeuce，forwhatIcare；butwehadbetterwait，lookyou，forsomethingcertainbeforewegiveupsuchaprettybirdinthehandasthis。"

"HespeakslikeSolomon，"saidtheDoctor。

"Ialwayssaidhewouldbeacredittohisoldmother，didn’tI，Brock？"criedMrs。Cat，embracinghersonveryaffectionately。"A

credittoher；ay，Iwarrant，arealblessing！Anddostthouwantanymoney，Tom？foralord’ssonmustnotgoaboutwithoutafewpiecesinhispocket。AndItellthee，Tommy，thoumustgoandseehisLordship；andthoushalthaveapieceofbrocadeforawaistcoat，thoushalt；ay，andthesilver—hiltedswordItoldtheeof；butoh，Tommy，Tommy！haveacare，anddon’tbea—drawingofitinnaughtycompanyatthegaming—houses，oratthe——"

"Adrawingoffiddlesticks，Mother！IfIgotoseemyfather，I

musthaveareasonforit；andinsteadofgoingwithaswordinmyhand，Ishalltakesomethingelseinit。"

"TheladISaladofnous，"criedDoctorWood，"althoughhismotherdoesspoilhimsocruelly。Lookyou，MadamCat：didyounothearwhathesaidaboutBeinkleiderandtheclothes？TommywilljustwaitontheCountwithhisLordship’sbreeches。Amanmaylearnadealofnewsinthetryingonofapairofbreeches。"

Andsoitwasagreedthatinthismannerthesonshouldatfirstmakehisappearancebeforehisfather。Mrs。Catgavehimthepieceofbrocade，which，inthecourseoftheday，wasfashionedintoasmartwaistcoat（forBeinkleider’sshopwascloseby，inCavendishSquare）。Mrs。Gretel，withmanyblushes，tiedafineblueribandroundhisneck；and，inapairofsilkstockings，withgoldbucklestohisshoes，MasterBillingslookedaveryproperyounggentleman。

"And，Tommy，"saidhismother，blushingandhesitating，"shouldMax——shouldhisLordshipaskafteryour——wanttoknowifyourmotherisalive，youcansaysheis，andwell，andoftentalksofoldtimes。And，Tommy"（afteranotherpause），"youneedn’tsayanythingaboutMr。Hayes；onlysayI’mquitewell。"

Mrs。Hayeslookedathimashemarcheddownthestreet，alonglongway。Tomwasproudandgayinhisnewcostume，andwasnotunlikehisfather。Asshelooked，lo！OxfordStreetdisappeared，andshesawagreencommon，andavillage，andalittleinn。Therewasasoldierleadingapairofhorsesaboutonthegreencommon；andintheinnsatacavalier，soyoung，somerry，sobeautiful！Oh，whatslimwhitehandshehad；andwinningwords，andtender，gentleblueeyes！Wasitnotanhonourtoacountrylassthatsuchanoblegentlemanshouldlookatherforamoment？Hadhenotsomecharmabouthimthatshemustneedsobeywhenhewhisperedinherear，"Come，followme！"Asshewalkedtowardsthelanethatmorning，howwellsherememberedeachspotasshepassedit，andthelookitworeforthelasttime！Howthesmokewasrisingfromthepastures，howthefishwerejumpingandplashinginthemill—stream！Therewasthechurch，withallitswindowslightedupwithgold，andyonderwerethereaperssweepingdownthebrowncorn。Shetriedtosingasshewentupthehill——whatwasit？Shecouldnotremember；butoh，howwellsherememberedthesoundofthehorse’shoofs，astheycamequicker，quicker——nearer，nearer！Hownoblehelookedonhisgreathorse！Washethinkingofher，orweretheyallsillywordswhichhespokelastnight，merelytopassawaythetimeanddeceivepoorgirlswith？Wouldherememberthem，——wouldhe？

"Catmydear，"herecriedMr。Brock，aliasCaptain，aliasDoctorWood，"here’sthemeata—gettingcold，andIamlongingformybreakfast。"

Astheywentinhelookedherhardintheface。"What，stillatit，yousillygirl？I’vebeenwatchingyouthesefiveminutes，Cat；andbehangedbutIthinkawordfromGalgenstein，andyouwouldfollowhimasaflydoesatreacle—pot！"

Theywentintobreakfast；butthoughtherewasahotshoulderofmuttonandonion—sauce——Mrs。Catherine’sfavouritedish——shenevertouchedamorselofit。

InthemeanwhileMr。ThomasBillings，inhisnewclotheswhichhismammahadgivenhim，inhisnewribandwhichthefairMissBeinkleiderhadtiedroundhisneck，andhavinghisExcellency’sbreecheswrappedinasilkhandkerchiefinhisrighthand，turneddowninthedirectionofWhitehall，wheretheBavarianEnvoylodged。

But，beforehewaitedonhim，Mr。Billings，beingexcessivelypleasedwithhispersonalappearance，madeanearlyvisittoMrs。

Briggs，wholivedintheneighbourhoodofSwallowStreet；andwho，afterexpressingherselfwithmuchenthusiasmregardingherTommy’sgoodlooks，immediatelyaskedhimwhathewouldstandtodrink？

Raspberryginbeingsuggested，apintofthatliquorwassentfor；

andsogreatwastheconfidenceandintimacysubsistingbetweenthesetwoyoungpeople，thatthereaderwillbegladtohearthatMrs。PollyacceptedeveryshillingofthemoneywhichTomBillingshadreceivedfromhismammathedaybefore；nay，couldwithdifficultybepreventedfromseizinguponthecut—velvetbreecheswhichhewascarryingtothenoblemanforwhomtheyweremade。

HavingpaidhisadieuxtoMrs。Polly，Mr。Billingsdepartedtovisithisfather。

CHAPTERIX。INTERVIEWBETWEENCOUNTGALGENSTEINANDMASTERTHOMAS

BILLINGS，WHENHEINFORMSTHECOUNTOFHISPARENTAGE。

Idon’tknowinallthismiserableworldamoremiserablespectaclethanthatofayoungfellowoffiveorsixandforty。TheBritisharmy，thatnurseryofvalour，turnsoutmanyoftheyoungfellowsI

mean：who，havingflauntedindragoonuniformsfromseventeentosix—and—thirty；havingbought，sold，orswappedduringthatperiodsometwohundredhorses；havingplayed，say，fifteenthousandgamesatbilliards；havingdrunksomesixthousandbottlesofwine；havingconsumedareasonablenumberofNugeecoats，splitmanydozenpairsofhigh—heeledHobyboots，andreadthenewspaperandthearmy—listduly，retirefromtheservicewhentheyhaveattainedtheireighthlustre，andsaunterthroughtheworld，trailingfromLondontoCheltenham，andfromBoulognetoParis，andfromParistoBaden，theiridleness，theirill—health，andtheirennui。"Inthemorningofyouth，"andwhenseenalongwithwholetroopsoftheircompanions，theseflowerslookgaudyandbrilliantenough；butthereisnoobjectmoredismalthanoneofthemalone，andinitsautumnal，orseedystate。Myfriend，CaptainPopjoy，isonewhohasarrivedatthiscondition，andwhomeverybodyknowsbyhistitleofFatherPop。Akinder，simpler，moreempty—headedfellowdoesnotexist。Heisforty—sevenyearsold，andappearsayoung，good—lookingmanofsixty。AtthetimeoftheArmyofOccupationhereallywasasgood—lookingamanasanyintheDragoons。Henowusesallsortsofstratagemstocoverthebaldplaceonhishead，bycombingcertainthingreysidelocksoverit。Hehas，inrevenge，apairofenormousmoustaches，whichhedyesoftherichestblue—black。Hisnoseisagooddeallargerandredderthanitusedtobe；hiseyelidshavegrownflatandheavy；andalittlepairofred，wateryeyeballsfloatinthemidstofthem：itseemsasifthelightwhichwasonceinthosesicklygreenpupilshadextravasatedintothewhitepartoftheeye。IfPop’slegsarenotsofirmandmuscularastheyusedtobeinthosedayswhenhetooksuchleapsintoWhite’sbuckskins，inrevengehiswaistismuchlarger。Hewearsaverygoodcoat，however，andawaistband，whichheletsoutafterdinner。Beforeladiesheblushes，andisassilentasaschoolboy。Hecallsthem"modestwomen。"Hissocietyischieflyamongyoungladsbelongingtohisformerprofession。Heknowsthebestwinetobehadateachtavernorcafe，andthewaiterstreathimwithmuchrespectfulfamiliarity。Heknowsthenamesofeveryoneofthem；andshoutsout，"SendMarkwellhere！"or，"TellCuttrisstogiveusabottleoftheyellowseal！"or，"Dizzyvoo，MonsureBorrel，noodonnyshampangfrappy，"etc。Healwaysmakesthesaladorthepunch，anddinesoutthreehundreddaysintheyear：theotherdaysyouseehiminatwo—franceating—houseatParis，orprowlingaboutRupertStreet，orSt。Martin’sCourt，whereyougetacapitalcutofmeatforeightpence。Hehasdecentlodgingsandscrupulouslycleanlinen；hisanimalfunctionsarestilltolerablywellpreserved，hisspiritualhaveevaporatedlongsince；hesleepswell，hasnoconscience，believeshimselftobearespectablefellow，andistolerablyhappyonthedayswhenheisaskedouttodinner。

PoorPopisnotveryhighinthescaleofcreatedbeings；but，ifyoufancythereisnonelower，youareinegregiouserror。Therewasonceamanwhohadamysteriousexhibitionofananimal，quiteunknowntonaturalists，called"thewusser。"Thosecuriousindividualswhodesiredtoseethewusserwereintroducedintoanapartmentwhereappearedbeforethemnothingmorethanalittleleanshrivelledhideousblear—eyedmangypig。Everyonecriedout"Swindle！"and"Shame！""Patience，gentlemen，beheasy，"saidtheshowman："lookatthattherehanimal；it’saperfectphenomalyofhugliness：Iengageyouneverseesuchapig。"Nobodyeverhadseen。"Now，gentlemen，"saidhe，"I’llkeepmypromise，hasperbill；andbadasthattherepigis，lookatthishere"（heshowedanother）。"Lookatthishere，andyou’llseeatoncethatit’sA

WUSSER。"InlikemannerthePopjoybreedisbadenough，butitservesonlytoshowofftheGalgensteinrace；whichisWUSSER。

Galgensteinhadledaverygaylife，asthesayingis，forthelastfifteenyears；suchagayone，thathehadlostallcapacityofenjoymentbythistime，andonlypossessedinclinationswithoutpowersofgratifyingthem。Hehadgrowntobeexquisitelycuriousandfastidiousaboutmeatanddrink，forinstance，andallthathewantedwasanappetite。HecarriedaboutwithhimaFrenchcook，whocouldnotmakehimeat；adoctor，whocouldnotmakehimwell；amistress，ofwhomhewasheartilysickaftertwodays；apriest，whohadbeenafavouriteoftheexemplaryDubois，andbyturnsusedtoticklehimbytheimpositionofpenance，orbytherepetitionofatalefromtherecueilofNoce，orLaFare。Allhisappetiteswerewastedandworn；onlysomemonstrositywouldgalvanisethemintomomentaryaction。Hewasinthateffetestatetowhichmanynoblemenofhistimehadarrived；whowerereadytobelieveinghost—raisingoringold—making，ortoretireintomonasteriesandwearhair—shirts，ortodabbleinconspiracies，ortodieinlovewithlittlecook—maidsoffifteen，ortopineforthesmilesoratthefrownsofaprinceoftheblood，ortogomadattherefusalofachamberlain’skey。ThelastgratificationherememberedtohaveenjoyedwasthatofridingbareheadedinasoakingrainforthreehoursbythesideofhisGrandDuke’smistress’scoach；takingthepasofCountKrahwinkel，whochallengedhim，andwasrunthroughthebodyforthisverydispute。Galgensteingainedarheumaticgoutbyit，whichputhimtotorturesformanymonths；andwasfurthergratifiedwiththepostofEnglishEnvoy。Hehadafortune，heaskednosalary，andcouldlooktheenvoyverywell。FatherO’Flahertydidalltheduties，andfurthermoreactedasaspyovertheambassador——asinecurepost，forthemanhadnofeelings，wishes，oropinions——absolutelynone。

"Uponmylife，father，"saidthisworthyman，"Icarefornothing。

YouhavebeentalkingforanhourabouttheRegent’sdeath，andtheDuchessofPhalaris，andslyoldFleury，andwhatnot；andIcarejustasmuchasifyoutoldmethatoneofmybauersatGalgensteinhadkilledapig；orasifmylacquey，LaRoseyonder，hadmadelovetomymistress。"

"Hedoes！"saidthereverendgentleman。

"Ah，Monsieurl’Abbe！"saidLaRose，whowasarranginghismaster’senormousCourtperiwig，"youare，helas！wrong。MonsieurleComtewillnotbeangryatmysayingthatIwishtheaccusationweretrue。"

TheCountdidnottaketheslightestnoticeofLaRose’swit，butcontinuedhisowncomplaints。

"Itellyou，Abbe，Icarefornothing。Ilostathousandguineast’othernightatbasset；IwishtomyheartIcouldhavebeenvexedaboutit。Egad！Irememberthedaywhentoloseahundredmademehalfmadforamonth。Well，nextdayIhadmyrevengeatdice，andthrewthirteenmains。Therewassomedelay；acallforfreshbones，Ithink；andwouldyoubelieveit？——Ifellasleepwiththeboxinmyhand！"

"Adesperatecase，indeed，"saidtheAbbe。

"IfithadnotbeenforKrahwinkel，Ishouldhavebeenadeadman，that’spositive。Thatpinkinghimsavedme。"

"Imakenodoubtofit，"saidtheAbbe。"HadyourExcellencynotrunhimthrough，he，withoutadoubt，wouldhavedonethesameforyou。"

"Psha！youmistakemywords，Monsieurl’Abbe"（yawning）。"I

mean——whatcursedchocolate！——thatIwasdyingforwantofexcitement。NotthatIcaredfordying；no，d————meifIdo！"

"WHENyoudo，yourExcellencymeans，"saidtheAbbe，afatgrey—hairedIrishman，fromtheIrlandoisCollegeatParis。

HisExcellencydidnotlaugh，norunderstandjokesofanykind；hewasofanundeviatingstupidity，andonlyreplied，"Sir，ImeanwhatIsay。Idon’tcareforliving：no，norfordyingeither；butI

canspeakaswellasanother，andI’llthankyounottobecorrectingmyphrasesasifIwereoneofyourcursedschoolboys，andnotagentlemanoffortuneandblood。"

HerewiththeCount，whohadutteredfoursentencesabouthimself（heneverspokeofanythingelse），sunkbackonhispillowsagain，quiteexhaustedbyhiseloquence。TheAbbe，whohadaseatandatablebythebedside，resumedthelabourswhichhadbroughthimintotheroominthemorning，andbusiedhimselfwithpapers，whichoccasionallyhehandedovertohissuperiorforapproval。

PresentlyMonsieurlaRoseappeared。

"HereisapersonwithclothesfromMr。Beinkleider’s。WillyourExcellencyseehim，orshallIbidhimleavetheclothes？"

TheCountwasverymuchfatiguedbythistime；hehadsignedthreepapers，andreadthefirsthalf—a—dozenlinesofapairofthem。

"Bidthefellowcomein，LaRose；and，harkye，givememywig：onemustshowone’sselftobeagentlemanbeforethesescoundrels。"

Andhethereforemountedalargechestnut—coloured，orange—scentedpyramidofhorsehair，whichwastoawethenew—comer。

Hewasaladofaboutseventeen，inasmartwaistcoatandablueriband：ourfriendTomBillings，indeed。HecarriedunderhisarmtheCount’sdestinedbreeches。Hedidnotseemintheleastawed，however，byhisExcellency’sappearance，butlookedathimwithagreatdegreeofcuriosityandboldness。Inthesamemannerhesurveyedthechaplain，andthennoddedtohimwithakindlookofrecognition。

"WherehaveIseenthelad？"saidthefather。"Oh，Ihaveit！Mygoodfriend，youwereatthehangingyesterday，Ithink？"

Mr。Billingsgaveaverysignificantnodwithhishead。"Inevermiss，"saidhe。

"WhatayoungTurk！Andpray，sir，doyougoforpleasure，orforbusiness？"

"Business！whatdoyoumeanbybusiness？"

"Oh，Ididnotknowwhetheryoumightbebroughtuptothetrade，oryourrelationsbeundergoingtheoperation。"

"Myrelations，"saidMr。Billings，proudly，andstaringtheCountfullintheface，"wasnotmadefornosuchthing。I’matailornow，butI’magentleman’sson：asgoodaman，ay，ashislordshipthere：forYOUa’n’thislordship——you’rethePopishpriestyouare；andwewereveryneargivingyouatouchofafewProtestantstones，master。"

TheCountbegantobealittleamused：hewaspleasedtoseetheAbbelookalarmed，orevenfoolish。

"Egad，Abbe，"saidhe，"youturnaswhiteasasheet。"

"Idon’tfancybeingmurdered，myLord，"saidtheAbbe，hastily；

"andmurderedforagoodwork。ItwasbuttobeusefultoyonderpoorIrishman，whosavedmeasaprisonerinFlanders，whenMarlboroughwouldhavehungmeuplikepoorMacshanehimselfwasyesterday。"

"Ah！"saidtheCount，burstingoutwithsomeenergy，"Iwasthinkingwhothefellowcouldbe，eversinceherobbedmeontheHeath。I

recollectthescoundrelnow：hewasasecondinaduelIhadhereintheyearsix。"

"AlongwithMajorWood，behindMontagueHouse，"saidMr。Billings。

"I’VEheardonit。"Andherehelookedmoreknowingthanever。

"YOU！"criedtheCount，moreandmoresurprised。"AndpraywhothedevilAREyou？"

"Myname’sBillings。"

"Billings？"saidtheCount。

"IcomeoutofWarwickshire，"saidMr。Billings。

"Indeed！"

"IwasbornatBirminghamtown。"

"Wereyou，really！"

"Mymother’snamewasHayes，"continuedBillings，inasolemnvoice。

"IwasputouttoanursealongwithJohnBillings，ablacksmith；

andmyfatherrunaway。NOWdoyouknowwhoIam？"

"Why，uponhonour，now，"saidtheCount，whowasamused，——"uponhonour，Mr。Billings，Ihavenotthatadvantage。"

"Well，then，myLord，YOU’REMYFATHER！"

Mr。BillingswhenhesaidthiscameforwardtotheCountwithatheatricalair；and，flingingdownthebreechesofwhichhewasthebearer，heldouthisarmsandstared，havingverylittledoubtbutthathisLordshipwouldforthwithspringoutofbedandhughimtohisheart。Asimilarpieceofnaivetemanyfathersoffamilieshave，Ihavenodoubt，remarkedintheirchildren；who，notcaringfortheirparentsasingledoit，conceive，nevertheless，thatthelatterareboundtoshowallsortsofaffectionforthem。Hislordshipdidmove，butbackwardstowardsthewall，andbeganpullingatthebell—ropewithanexpressionofthemostintensealarm。

"Keepback，sirrah！——keepback！SupposeIAMyourfather，doyouwanttomurderme？Goodheavens！howtheboysmellsofginandtobacco！Don’tturnaway，mylad；sitdownthereataproperdistance。And，LaRose，givehimsomeeau—de—Cologne，andgetacupofcoffee。Well，now，goonwithyourstory。Egad，mydearAbbe，I

thinkitisverylikelythatwhattheladsaysistrue。"

"Ifitisafamilyconversation，"saidtheAbbe，"Ihadbetterleaveyou。"

"Oh，forHeaven’ssake，no！Icouldnotstandtheboyalone。Now，Misterah！——What’s—your—name？Havethegoodnesstotellyourstory。"

Mr。Billingswaswoefullydisconcerted；forhismotherandhehadagreedthatassoonashisfathersawhimhewouldberecognisedatonce，and，mayhap，madeheirtotheestatesandtitle；inwhichbeingdisappointed，heverysulkilywentonwithhisnarrative，anddetailedmanyofthoseeventswithwhichthereaderhasalreadybeenmadeacquainted。TheCountaskedtheboy’smother’sChristianname，andbeingtoldit，hismemoryatoncereturnedtohim。

"What！areyoulittleCat’sson？"saidhisExcellency。"Byheavens，moncherAbbe，acharmingcreature，butatigress——positivelyatigress。Irecollectthewholeaffairnow。She’salittlefreshblack—hairedwoman，a’n’tshe？withasharpnoseandthickeyebrows，ay？Ahyes，yes！"wentonmyLord，"Irecollecther，Irecollecther。ItwasatBirminghamIfirstmether：shewasmyLadyTrippet’swoman，wasn’tshe？"

"Shewasnosuchthing，"saidMr。Billings，hotly。"Herauntkeptthe’BugleInn’onWalthamGreen，andyourLordshipseducedher。"

"Seducedher！Oh，’gad，soIdid。Stapme，now，Idid。Yes，I

madeherjumponmyblackhorse，andboreherofflike——likeAeneasborehiswifeawayfromthesiegeofRome！hey，l’Abbe？"

"Theeventswerepreciselysimilar，"saidtheAbbe。"Itiswonderfulwhatamemoryyouhave！"

"Iwasalwaysremarkableforit，"continuedhisExcellency。"Well，wherewasI，——attheblackhorse？Yes，attheblackhorse。Well，I

mountedherontheblackhorse，androdeherencroupe，egad——ha，ha！——toBirmingham；andtherewebilledandcooedtogetherlikeapairofturtle—doves：yes——ha！——thatwedid！"

"Andthis，Isuppose，istheendofsomeoftheBILLINGS？"saidtheAbbe，pointingtoMr。Tom。

"Billings！whatdoyoumean？Yes——oh——ah——apun，acalembourg。Fidonc，M。l’Abbe。"Andthen，afterthewontofverystupidpeople，M。deGalgensteinwentontoexplaintotheAbbehisownpun。

"Well，buttoproceed，"crieshe。"WelivedtogetheratBirmingham，andIwasgoingtobemarriedtoarichheiress，egad！whenwhatdoyouthinkthislittleCatdoes？Shemurdersme，egad！andmakesmemanquerthemarriage。Twentythousand，Ithinkitwas；andIwantedthemoneyinthosedays。Now，wasn’tsheanabominablemonster，thatmotherofyours，hey，Mr。a——What’s—your—name？"

"Sheservedyouright！"saidMr。Billings，withagreatoath，startingupoutofallpatience。

"Fellow！"saidhisExcellency，quiteaghast，"doyouknowtowhomyouspeak？——toanoblemanofseventy—eightdescents；acountoftheHolyRomanEmpire；arepresentativeofasovereign？Ha，egad！

Don’tstamp，fellow，ifyouhopeformyprotection。"

"D——nyourprotection！"saidMr。Billings，inafury。"Curseyouandyourprotectiontoo！I’mafree—bornBriton，andno————FrenchPapist！Andanymanwhoinsultsmymother——ay，orcallsmefeller——

hadbetterlooktohimselfandthetwoeyesinhishead，Icantellhim！"AndwiththisMr。BillingsputhimselfintothemostapprovedattitudeoftheCockpit，andinvitedhisfather，thereverendgentleman，andMonsieurlaRosethevalet，toengagewithhiminapugilisticencounter。Thetwolatter，theAbbeespecially，seemeddreadfullyfrightened；buttheCountnowlookedonwithmuchinterest；and，givingutterancetoafeeblekindofchuckle，whichlastedforabouthalfaminute，said，——

"Pawsoff，Pompey！Youyounghangdog，you——egad，yes，aha！’ponhonour，you’realadofspirit；someofyourfather’sspunkinyou，hey？Iknowhimbythatoath。Why，sir，whenIwassixteen，Iusedtoswear——toswear，egad，likeaThameswaterman，andexactlyinthisfellow’sway！Bussme，mylad；no，kissmyhand。Thatwilldo"——andheheldoutaveryleanyellowhand，peeringfromapairofyellowruffles。Itshookverymuch，andtheshakingmadealltheringsuponitshineonlythemore。

"Well，"saysMr。Billings，"ifyouwasn’ta—goingtoabusemenormother，Idon’tcareifIshakehandswithyou。Iain’tproud！"

TheAbbelaughedwithgreatglee；andthatveryeveningsentofftohisCourtamostludicrousspicydescriptionofthewholesceneofmeetingbetweenthisamiablefatherandchild；inwhichhesaidthatyoungBillingswastheelevefavoriofM。Kitch，Ecuyer，lebourreaudeLondres，andwhichmadetheDuke’smistresslaughsomuchthatshevowedthattheAbbeshouldhaveabishopriconhisreturn：for，withsuchstoreofwisdom，lookyou，myson，wastheworldgovernedinthosedays。

TheCountandhisoffspringmeanwhileconversedwithsomecordiality。Theformerinformedthelatterofallthediseasestowhichhewassubject，hismannerofcuringthem，hisgreatconsiderationaschamberlaintotheDukeofBavaria；howheworehisCourtsuits，andofaparticularpowderwhichhehadinventedforthehair；how，whenhewasseventeen，hehadrunawaywithacanoness，egad！whowasafterwardslockedupinaconvent，andgrewtobesixteenstoneinweight；howherememberedthetimewhenladiesdidnotwearpatches；andhowtheDuchessofMarlboroughboxedhisearswhenhewassohigh，becausehewantedtokissher。

Alltheseimportantanecdotestooksometimeinthetelling，andwereaccompaniedbymanyprofoundmoralremarks；suchas，"Ican’tabidegarlic，norwhite—wine，stapme！norSauerkraut，thoughhisHighnesseatshalfabushelperday。IateitthefirsttimeatCourt；butwhentheybroughtitmeasecondtime，I

refused——refused，splitmeandgrillmeifIdidn’t！Everybodystared；hisHighnesslookedasfierceasaTurk；andthatinfernalKrahwinkel（mydear，Ididforhimafterwards）——thatcursedKrahwinkel，Isay，lookedaspleasedaspossible，andwhisperedtoCountessFritsch，’Blitzchen，FrauGrafinn，’sayshe，’it’salloverwithGalgenstein。’WhatdidIdo？Ihadtheentree，anddemandedit。’Altesse，’saysI，fallingononeknee，’Iatenokrautatdinnerto—day。Youremarkedit：IsawyourHighnessremarkit。’

"’Idid，M。leComte，’saidhisHighness，gravely。

"Ihadalmosttearsinmyeyes；butitwasnecessarytocometoaresolution，youknow。’Sir，’saidI，’IspeakwithdeepgrieftoyourHighness，whoaremybenefactor，myfriend，myfather；butofthisIamresolved，IWILLNEVEREATSAUERKRAUTMORE：itdon’tagreewithme。AfterbeinglaidupforfourweeksbythelastdishofSauerkrautofwhichIpartook，Imaysaywithconfidence——IT

DON’Tagreewithme。Byimpairingmyhealth，itimpairsmyintellect，andweakensmystrength；andbothIwouldkeepforyourHighness’sservice。’

"’Tut，tut！’saidhisHighness。’Tut，tut，tut！’Thosewerehisverywords。

"’Givememyswordormypen，’saidI。’Givememyswordormypen，andwiththeseMaximiliandeGalgensteinisreadytoserveyou；butsure，——sure，agreatprincewillpitytheweakhealthofafaithfulsubject，whodoesnotknowhowtoeatSauerkraut？’HisHighnesswaswalkingabouttheroom：Iwasstillonmyknees，andstretchedforwardmyhandtoseizehiscoat。

"’GEHTZUMTEUFEL，Sir！’saidhe，inaloudvoice（itmeans’Gotothedeuce，’mydear），——’GehtzumTeufel，andeatwhatyoulike！’

Withthishewentoutoftheroomabruptly；leavinginmyhandoneofhisbuttons，whichIkeeptothisday。AssoonasIwasalone，amazedbyhisgreatgoodnessandbounty，Isobbedaloud——criedlikeachild"（theCount’seyesfilledandwinkedattheveryrecollection），"andwhenIwentbackintothecard—room，steppinguptoKrahwinkel，’Count，’saysI，’wholooksfoolishnow？’——Heythere，LaRose，givemethediamond——Yes，thatwastheverypunImade，andverygooditwasthought。’Krahwinkel，’saysI，’WHOLOOKS

FOOLISHNOW？’andfromthatdaytothisIwasneverataCourt—dayaskedtoeatSauerkraut——NEVER！"

"Heythere，LaRose！Bringmethatdiamondsnuff—boxinthedrawerofmysecretaire；"andthesnuff—boxwasbrought。"Lookatit，mydear，"saidtheCount，"forIsawyouseemedtodoubt。Thereisthebutton——theveryonethatcameoffhisGrace’scoat。"

Mr。Billingsreceivedit，andtwisteditaboutwithastupidair。

Thestoryhadquitemystifiedhim；forhedidnotdareyettothinkhisfatherwasafool——hisrespectforthearistocracypreventedhim。

WhentheCount’scommunicationshadceased，whichtheydidassoonasthestoryoftheSauerkrautwasfinished，asilenceofsomeminutesensued。Mr。Billingswastryingtocomprehendthecircumstancesabovenarrated；hisLordshipwasexhausted；thechaplainhadquittedtheroomdirectlythewordSauerkrautwasmentioned——heknewwhatwascoming。HisLordshiplookedforsometimeathisson；whoreturnedthegazewithhismouthwideopen。

"Well，"saidtheCount——"well，sir？Whatareyousittingtherefor？

Ifyouhavenothingtosay，sir，youhadbettergo。Ihadyouheretoamuseme——splitme——andnottosittherestaring！"

Mr。Billingsroseinafury。

"Harkye，mylad，"saidtheCount，"tellLaRosetogivetheefiveguineas，and，ah——comeagainsomemorning。Anicewell—grownyounglad，"musedtheCount，asMasterTommywalkedwonderingoutoftheapartment；"aprettyfellowenough，andintelligenttoo。"

"Well，heISanoddfellow，myfather，"thoughtMr。Billings，ashewalkedout，havingreceivedthesumofferedtohim。AndheimmediatelywenttocalluponhisfriendPollyBriggs，fromwhomhehadseparatedinthemorning。

Whatwastheresultoftheirinterviewisnotatallnecessarytotheprogressofthishistory。Havingmadeher，however，acquaintedwiththeparticularsofhisvisittohisfather，hewenttohismother’s，andrelatedtoherallthathadoccurred。

Poorthing，shewasverydifferentlyinterestedintheissueofit！

CHAPTERX。SHOWINGHOWGALGENSTEINANDMRS。CATRECOGNISEEACH

OTHERINMARYLEBONEGARDENS——ANDHOWTHECOUNTDRIVESHERHOMEIN

HISCARRIAGE。

Aboutamonthafterthetouchingconversationaboverelated，therewasgiven，atMaryleboneGardens，agrandconcertandentertainment，atwhichthecelebratedMadameAmenaide，adancerofthetheatreatParis，wastoperform，underthepatronageofseveralEnglishandforeignnoblemen；amongwhomwashisExcellencytheBavarianEnvoy。

MadameAmenaidewas，infact，nootherthanthemaitresseentitreoftheMonsieurdeGalgenstein，whohadheragreatbargainfromtheDukedeRohan—ChabotatParis。

Itisnotourpurposetomakeagreatandlearneddisplayhere，otherwisethecostumesofthecompanyassembledatthisfetemightaffordscopeforatleasthalf—a—dozenpagesoffinewriting；andwemightgive，ifneedwere，specimensoftheverysongsandmusicsungontheoccasion。DoesnottheBurneycollectionofmusic，attheBritishMuseum，affordoneanamplestoreofsongsfromwhichtochoose？AretherenotthememoirsofColleyCibber？thoseofMrs。

Clark，thedaughterofColley？IstherenotCongreve，andFarquhar——nay，andatapinch，the"DramaticBiography，"oreventheSpectator，fromwhichtheobservantgeniusmightborrowpassages，andconstructprettyantiquarianfigments？Leavewethesetriflestomeanersouls！Ourbusinessisnotwiththebreechesandperiwigs，withthehoopsandpatches，butwiththedivineheartsofmen，andthepassionswhichagitatethem。Whatneed，therefore，havewetosaythatonthisevening，afterthedancing，themusic，andthefireworks，MonsieurdeGalgensteinfeltthestrangeandwelcomepangsofappetite，andwaspickingacoldchicken，alongwithsomeotherfriendsinanarbour——acoldchicken，withanaccompanimentofabottleofchampagne——whenhewasledtoremarkthataveryhandsomeplumplittleperson，inagorgeousstiffdamaskgownandpetticoat，wassaunteringupanddownthewalkrunningoppositehissupping—place，andbestowingcontinualglancestowardshisExcellency。Thelady，whoevershewas，wasinamask，suchasladiesofhighandlowfashionworeatpublicplacesinthosedays，andhadamalecompanion。Hewasaladofonlyseventeen，marvellouslywelldressed——indeed，nootherthantheCount’sownson，Mr。ThomasBillings；whohadatlengthreceivedfromhismotherthesilver—hiltedsword，andthewig，whichthataffectionateparenthadpromisedtohim。

Inthecourseofthemonthwhichhadelapsedsincetheinterviewthathasbeendescribedintheformerchapter，Mr。Billingshadseveraltimeshadoccasiontowaitonhisfather；butthoughhehad，accordingtoherwishes，frequentlyalludedtotheexistenceofhismother，theCounthadneveratanytimeexpressedtheslightestwishtorenewhisacquaintancewiththatlady；who，ifshehadseenhim，hadonlyseenhimbystealth。

Thefactis，thatafterBillingshadrelatedtohertheparticularsofhisfirstmeetingwithhisExcellency；whichended，likemanyofthelattervisits，innothingatall；Mrs。Hayeshadfoundsomepressingbusiness，whichcontinuallytookhertoWhitehall，andhadbeenprowlingfromdaytodayaboutMonsieurdeGalgenstein’slodgings。Fourorfivetimesintheweek，ashisExcellencysteppedintohiscoach，hemighthaveremarked，hadhechosen，awomaninablackhood，whowaslookingmosteagerlyintohiseyes：butthoseeyeshadlongsinceleftoffthepracticeofobserving；andMadamCatherine’svisitshadsofargonefornothing。

Onthisnight，however，inspiredbygaietyanddrink，theCounthadbeenamazinglystrickenbythegaitandoglingoftheladyinthemask。TheReverendO’Flaherty，whowaswithhim，andhadobservedthefigureintheblackcloak，recognised，orthoughtherecognised，her。"ItisthewomanwhodogsyourExcellencyeveryday，"saidhe。

"Sheiswiththattailorladwholovestoseepeoplehanged——yourExcellency’sson，Imean。"AndhewasjustabouttowarntheCountofaconspiracyevidentlymadeagainsthim，andthatthesonhadbrought，mostlikely，themothertoplayherartsuponhim——hewasjustabout，Isay，toshowtotheCountthefollyanddangerofrenewinganoldliaisonwithawomansuchashehaddescribedMrs。

Cattobe，whenhisExcellency，startingup，andinterruptinghisghostlyadviserattheverybeginningofhissentence，said，"Egad，l’Abbe，youareright——itISmyson，andamightysmart—lookingcreaturewithhim。Hey！Mr。What’s—your—name——Tom，yourogue，don’tyouknowyourownfather？"Andsosaying，andcockinghisbeaverononeside，MonsieurdeGalgensteinstruttedjauntilyafterMr。

Billingsandthelady。

ItwasthefirsttimethattheCounthadformallyrecognisedhisson。

"Tom，yourogue，"stoppedatthis，andtheCountcameup。Hehadawhitevelvetsuit，coveredoverwithstarsandorders，aneatmodestwigandbag，andpeach—colouredsilk—stockingswithsilverclasps。

TheladyinthemaskgaveastartashisExcellencycameforward。

"Law，mother，don’tsqueegeso，"saidTom。Thepoorwomanwastremblingineverylimb，butshehadpresenceofmindto"squeege"

Tomagreatdealharder；andthelattertookthehint，Isuppose，andwassilent。

ThesplendidCountcameup。Yegods，howhisembroideryglitteredinthelamps！Whataroyalexhalationofmuskandbergamotcamefromhiswig，hishandkerchief，andhisgrandlacerufflesandfrills！Abroadyellowribandpassedacrosshisbreast，andendedathishipinashiningdiamondcross——adiamondcross，andadiamondsword—hilt！Wasanythingeverseensobeautiful？Andmightnotapoorwomantremblewhensuchanoblecreaturedrewneartoher，anddeigned，fromtheheightofhisrankandsplendour，tolookdownuponher？AsJovecamedowntoSemeleinstate，inhishabitsofceremony，withallthegrandcordonsofhisordersblazingabouthisimperialperson——thusdazzling，magnificent，triumphant，thegreatGalgensteindescendedtowardsMrs。Catherine。Hercheeksglowedred—hotunderhercoyvelvetmask，herheartthumpedagainstthewhaleboneprisonofherstays。Whatadeliciousstormofvanitywasraginginherbosom！Whatarushoflong—pentrecollectionsburstforthatthesoundofthatenchantingvoice！

Asyouwindupahundred—guineachronometerwithatwopennywatch—key——asbymeansofadirtywoodenplugyousetallthewatersofVersaillesa—raging，andsplashing，andstorming——inlikemanner，andbylikehumbleagents，wereMrs。Catherine’stumultuouspassionssetgoing。TheCount，wehavesaid，slippeduptohisson，andmerelysaying，"Howdo，Tom？"cuttheyounggentlemanaltogether，andpassingroundtothelady’sside，said，"Madam，’tisacharmingevening——egaditis！"Shealmostfainted：itwastheoldvoice。

Therehewas，afterseventeenyears，oncemoreatherside！

NowIknowwhatIcouldhavedone。IcanturnoutaquotationfromSophocles（bylookingtotheindex）aswellasanother：Icanthrowoffabitoffinewritingtoo，withpassion，similes，andamoralattheend。What，pray，isthelastsentencebutonebuttheveryfinestwriting？Suppose，forexample，IhadmadeMaximilian，ashestoodbythesideofCatherine，lookuptowardstheclouds，andexclaim，inthewordsofthevoluptuousCorneliusNepos，’Aenaoinephelai’ArthoomenphaneraiDroseranphusineuageetoi，k。t。l。*

*Anglicisedversionoftheauthor’soriginalGreektext。

Orsuppose，again，Ihadsaid，inastylestillmorepopular：——

TheCountadvancedtowardsthemaiden。Theybothweremuteforawhile；andonlythebeatingofherheartinterruptedthatthrillingandpassionatesilence。Ah，whatyearsofburiedjoysandfears，hopesanddisappointments，arosefromtheirgravesinthefarpast，andinthosebriefmomentsflittedbeforetheunitedones！Howsadwasthatdeliciousretrospect，andoh，howsweet！Thetearsthatrolleddownthecheekofeachwerebubblesfromthechokedandmoss—grownwellsofyouth；thesighthatheavedeachbosomhadsomelurkingodoursinit——memoriesofthefragranceofboyhood，echoesofthehymnsoftheyoungheart！Thusisitever——fortheseblessedrecollectionsthesoulalwayshasaplace；andwhilecrimeperishes，andsorrowisforgotten，thebeautifulaloneiseternal。

"Ogoldenlegends，writtenintheskies！"musedDeGalgenstein，"yeshineasyedidintheoldendays！WEchange，butYEspeakeverthesamelanguage。Gazinginyourabysmaldepths，thefeebleratioci——"

*****

There，now，aresixcolumns*ofthebestwritingtobefoundinthisoranyotherbook。GalgensteinhasquotedEuripidesthrice，Platoonce，Lycophronninetimes，besidesextractsfromtheLatinsyntaxandtheminorGreekpoets。Catherine’spassionateembreathingsareofthemostfashionableorder；andIcallupontheingeniouscriticoftheX————newspapertosaywhethertheydonotpossesstherealimpressofthegiantsoftheoldentime——therealPlatonicsmack，inaword？NotthatIwantintheleasttoshowoff；butitisaswell，everynowandthen，toshowthepublicwhatoneCANdo。

（*ThereWEREsixcolumns，asmentionedbytheaccurateMr。

Solomons；butwehavewithdrawntwopagesandthree—quarters，because，althoughourcorrespondenthasbeenexcessivelyeloquent，accordingtocustom，wewereanxioustocometothefactsofthestory。

Mr。Solomons，bysendingtoouroffice，mayhavethecancelledpassages。——O。Y。）

Instead，however，ofallthisrantandnonsense，howmuchfineristhespeechthattheCountreallydidmake！"Itisaveryfineevening，——egaditis！"The"egad"didthewholebusiness：Mrs。Catwasasmuchinlovewithhimnowasevershehadbeen；and，gatheringupallherenergies，shesaid，"Itisdreadfulhottoo，I

think；"andwiththisshemadeacurtsey。

"Stifling，splitme！"addedhisExcellency。"Whatdoyousay，madam，toarestinanarbour，andadrinkofsomethingcool？"

"Sir！"saidthelady，drawingback。

"Oh，adrink——adrinkbyallmeans，"exclaimedMr。Billings，whowastroubledwithaperpetualthirst。"Come，mo——，Mrs。Jones，Imean。

you’refondofaglassofcoldpunch，youknow；andtherumhereisprime，Icantellyou。"

TheladyinthemaskconsentedwithsomedifficultytotheproposalofMr。Billings，andwasledbythetwogentlemenintoanarbour，whereshewasseatedbetweenthem；andsomewax—candlesbeinglighted，punchwasbrought。

Shedrankoneortwoglassesveryeagerly，andsodidhertwocompanions；althoughitwasevidenttosee，fromtheflushedlooksofbothofthem，thattheyhadlittleneedofanysuchstimulus。

TheCount，inthemidstofhischampagne，itmustbesaid，hadbeenamazinglystrickenandscandalisedbytheappearanceofsuchayouthasBillingsinapublicplacewithaladyunderhisarm。Hewas，thereaderwillthereforeunderstand，inthemoralstageofliquor；

andwhenheissuedout，itwasnotmerelywiththeintentionofexaminingMr。Billings’sfemalecompanion，butofadministeringtohimsomesoundcorrectionforventuring，athisearlyperiodoflife，toformanysuchacquaintances。OnjoiningBillings，hisExcellency’sfirststepwasnaturallytoexaminethelady。Aftertheyhadbeensittingforawhileovertheirpunch，hebethoughthimofhisoriginalpurpose，andbegantoaddressanumberofmoralremarkstohisson。

WehavealreadygivensomespecimensofMonsieurdeGalgenstein’ssoberconversation；anditishardlynecessarytotroublethereaderwithanyfurtherreportsofhisspeeches。Theywereintolerablystupidanddull；asegotisticalashismorninglecturehadbeen，andahundredtimesmoreramblingandprosy。IfCathadbeeninthepossessionofhersobersenses，shewouldhaveseeninfiveminutesthatherancientloverwasaninny，andhavelefthimwithscorn；

butshewasunderthecharmofoldrecollections，andthesoundofthatsillyvoicewastohermagical。AsforMr。Billings，heallowedhisExcellencytocontinuehisprattle；onlyfrowning，yawning，cursingoccasionally，butdrinkingcontinually。

SotheCountdescantedatlengthupontheenormityofyoungBillings’searlyliaisons；andthenhetoldhisown，intheyearfour，withaburgomaster’sdaughteratRatisbon，whenhewasintheElectorofBavaria’sservice——then，afterBlenheim，whenhehadcomeovertotheDukeofMarlborough，whenaphysician’swifeatBonnpoisonedherselfforhim，etc。etc。；ofapiecewiththestoryofthecanoness，whichhasbeenrecordedbefore。Allthetalesweretrue。Aclever，uglymaneverynowandthenissuccessfulwiththeladies；butahandsomefoolisirresistible。Mrs。Catlistenedandlistened。Goodheavens！shehadheardallthesetalesbefore，andrecollectedtheplaceandthetime——howshewashemmingahandkerchiefforMax；whocameroundandkissedher，vowingthatthephysician’swifewasnothingcomparedtoher——howhewastired，andlyingonthesofa，justcomehomefromshooting。Howhandsomehelooked！Catthoughthewasonlythehandsomernow；andlookedmoregraveandthoughtful，thedearfellow！

Thegardenwasfilledwithavastdealofcompanyofallkinds，andpartieswerepassingeverymomentbeforethearbourwhereourtriosat。Abouthalf—an—hourafterhisExcellencyhadquittedhisownboxandparty，theRev。Mr。O’Flahertycamediscreetlyround，toexaminetheproceedingsofhisdiplomaticalchef。Theladyinthemaskwaslisteningwithallhermight；Mr。Billingswasdrawingfiguresonthetablewithpunch；andtheCounttalkingincessantly。

TheFatherConfessorlistenedforamoment；andthen，withsomethingresemblinganoath，walkedawaytotheentryofthegardens，wherehisExcellency’sgiltcoach，withthreefootmen，waswaitingtocarryhimbacktoLondon。"Getmeachair，Joseph，"saidhisReverence，whoinfinitelypreferredaseatgratisinthecoach。

"Thatfool，"mutteredhe，"willnotmoveforthishour。"Thereverendgentlemanknewthat，whentheCountwasonthesubjectofthephysician’swife，hisdiscourseswereintolerablylong；andtookuponhimself，therefore，todisappear，alongwiththerestoftheCount’sparty；whoprocuredotherconveyances，andreturnedtotheirhomes。

AfterthisquietshadowhadpassedbeforetheCount’sbox，manygroupsofpersonspassedandrepassed；andamongthemwasnootherthanMrs。PollyBriggs，towhomwehavebeenalreadyintroduced。

Mrs。Pollywasincompanywithoneortwootherladies，andleaningonthearmofagentlemanwithlargeshouldersandcalves，afiercecocktohishat，andashabbygenteelair。HisnamewasMr。Moffat，andhispresentoccupationwasthatofdoorkeeperatagambling—

houseinCoventGarden；where，thoughhesawmanythousandspassdailyunderhiseyes，hisownsalaryamountedtonomorethanfour—and—sixpenceweekly，——asumquiteinsufficienttomaintainhimintherankwhichheheld。

Mr。Moffathad，however，receivedsomefunds——amountingindeed，toamatteroftwelveguineas——withinthelastmonth，andwastreatingMrs。Briggsverygenerouslytotheconcert。ItmaybeaswelltosaythateveryoneofthetwelveguineashadcomeoutofMrs。

Polly’sownpocket；who，inreturn，hadreceivedthemfromMr。