第4章

"Rips，madam，"saidhe；"mererips。WesoldthematStourbridgefair，andgotbutthirteenguineasforthetwo。"

"And——and——theCount，Max；whereishe，Brock？"sighedshe。

"Whew！"whistledMr。Brock。"What，hankeringafterhimstill？Mydear，heisofftoFlanderswithhisregiment；and，Imakenodoubt，therehavebeentwentyCountessesofGalgensteinsinceyourtime。"

"Idon’tbelieveanysuchthing，sir，"saidMrs。Catherine，startingupveryangrily。

"Ifyoudid，Isupposeyou’dlaudanumhim；wouldn’tyou？"

"Leavetheroom，fellow，"saidthelady。Butsherecollectedherselfspeedilyagain；and，claspingherhands，andlookingverywretchedatBrock，attheceiling，atthefloor，atherhusband（fromwhomsheviolentlyturnedawayherhead），shebegantocrypiteously：towhichtearstheCorporalsetupagentleaccompanimentofwhistling，astheytrickledoneafteranotherdownhernose。

Idon’tthinktheyweretearsofrepentance；butofregretforthetimewhenshehadherfirstlove，andherfineclothes，andherwhitehatandbluefeather。Ofthetwo，theCorporal’swhistlewasmuchmoreinnocentthanthegirl’ssobbing：hewasarogue；butagood—naturedoldfellowwhenhishumourwasnotcrossed。Surelyournovel—writersmakeagreatmistakeindivestingtheirrascalsofallgentlehumanqualities：theyhavesuch——andtheonlysadpointtothinkofis，inallprivateconcernsoflife，abstractfeelings，anddealingswithfriends，andsoon，howdreadfullylikearascalistoanhonestman。ThemanwhomurderedtheItalianboy，sethimfirsttoplaywithhischildrenwhomheloved，andwhodoubtlessdeploredhisloss。

CHAPTERVI。ADVENTURESOFTHEAMBASSADOR，MR。MACSHANE。

Ifwehadnotbeenobligedtofollowhistoryinallrespects，itisprobablethatweshouldhaveleftoutthelastadventureofMrs。

Catherineandherhusband，attheinnatWorcester，altogether；for，intruth，verylittlecameofit，anditisnotveryromanticorstriking。Butweareboundtostickclosely，aboveall，byTHE

TRUTH——thetruth，thoughitbenotparticularlypleasanttoreadofortotell。Asanybodymayreadinthe"NewgateCalendar，"Mr。andMrs。HayesweretakenataninnatWorcester；wereconfinedthere；

wereswindledbypersonswhopretendedtoimpressthebridegroomformilitaryservice。Whatisonetodoafterthat？Hadwebeenwritingnovelsinsteadofauthentichistories，wemighthavecarriedthemanywhereelsewechose：andwehadagreatmindtomakeHayesphilosophisingwithBolingbroke，likeacertainDevereux；andMrs。

CatherinemaitresseentitretoMr。AlexanderPope，DoctorSacheverel，SirJohnReadetheoculist，DeanSwift，orMarshalTallard；astheverycommonestromancerwouldundersuchcircumstances。Butalasandalas！truthmustbespoken，whateverelseisinthewind；andtheexcellent"NewgateCalendar，"whichcontainsthebiographiesandthanatographiesofHayesandhiswife，doesnotsayawordoftheirconnectionswithanyoftheleadingliteraryormilitaryheroesofthetimeofHerMajestyQueenAnne。

The"Calendar"says，insomanywords，thatHayeswasobligedtosendtohisfatherinWarwickshireformoneytogethimoutofthescrape，andthattheoldgentlemancamedowntohisaid。Bythistruthmustwestick；andnotforthesakeofthemostbrilliantepisode，——no，notforabribeoftwentyextraguineaspersheet，wouldwedepartfromit。

Mr。Brock’saccountofhisadventureinLondonhasgiventhereadersomeshortnoticeofhisfriend，MrMacshane。NeitherthewitsnortheprinciplesofthatworthyEnsignwereparticularlyfirm：fordrink，poverty，andacrackontheskullatthebattleofSteenkirkhadservedtoinjuretheformer；andtheEnsignwasnotinhisbestdayspossessedofanyshareofthelatter。Hehadreally，atoneperiod，heldsucharankinthearmy，butpawnedhishalf—payfordrinkandplay；andformanyyearspasthadlived，oneofthehundredthousandmiraclesofourcity，uponnothingthatanybodyknewof，orofwhichhehimselfcouldgiveanyaccount。Whohasnotacatalogueofthesemeninhislist？whocantellwhencecomestheoccasionalcleanshirt，whosuppliesthecontinualmeansofdrunkenness，whowardsoffthedaily—impendingstarvation？Theirlifeisawonderfromdaytoday：theirbreakfastawonder；theirdinneramiracle；theirbedaninterpositionofProvidence。IfyouandI，mydearsir，wantashillingtomorrow，whowillgiveitus？

WillOURbutchersgiveusmutton—chops？willOURlaundressesclotheusincleanlinen？——notaboneorarag。Standingaswedo（mayitbeeverso）somewhatremovedfromwant，*isthereoneofuswhodoesnotshudderatthethoughtofdescendingintotheliststocombatwithit，andexpectanythingbuttobeutterlycrushedintheencounter？

*Theauthor，itmustberemembered，hashislodgingsandfoodprovidedforhimbythegovernmentofhiscountry。

Notabitofit，mydearsir。Ittakesmuchmorethanyouthinkfortostarveaman。Starvationisverylittlewhenyouareusedtoit。

SomepeopleIknoweven，wholiveonitquitecomfortably，andmaketheirdailybreadbyit。IthadbeenourfriendMacshane’ssoleprofessionformanyyears；andhedidnotfailtodrawfromitsuchalivelihoodaswassufficient，andperhapstoogood，forhim。Hemanagedtodineuponitacertainorratheruncertainnumberofdaysintheweek，tosleepsomewhere，andtogetdrunkatleastthreehundredtimesayear。Hewasknowntooneortwonoblemenwhooccasionallyhelpedhimwithafewpieces，andwhomhehelpedinturn——nevermindhow。Hehadotheracquaintanceswhomhepesteredundauntedly；andfromwhomheoccasionallyextractedadinner，oracrown，ormayhap，bymistake，agoldheadedcane，whichfounditswaytothepawnbroker’s。Whenflushofcash，hewouldappearatthecoffee—house；whenlowinfunds，thedeuceknowsintowhatmysticcavesanddensheslunkforfoodandlodging。Hewasperfectlyreadywithhissword，andwhensober，orbetterstill，averylittletipsy，wasacompletemasterofit；intheartofboastingandlyinghehadhardlyanyequals；inshoeshestoodsixfeetfiveinches；

andhereishiscompletesignalement。ItwasafactthathehadbeeninSpainasavolunteer，wherehehadshownsomegallantry，hadhadabrain—fever，andwassenthometostarveasbefore。

Mr。Macshanehad，however，likeMr。Conrad，theCorsair，onevirtueinthemidstofathousandcrimes，——hewasfaithfultohisemployerforthetimebeing：andastoryistoldofhim，whichmayormaynotbetohiscredit，viz。thatbeinghiredononeoccasionbyacertainlordtoinflictapunishmentuponaroturierwhohadcrossedhislordshipinhisamours，he，Macshane，didactuallyrefusefromthepersontobebelaboured，andwhoentreatedhisforbearance，alargersumofmoneythanthenoblemangavehimforthebeating；

whichheperformedpunctually，asboundinhonourandfriendship。

ThistalewouldtheEnsignhimselfrelate，withmuchself—satisfaction；andwhen，afterthesuddenflightfromLondon，heandBrocktooktotheirrovingoccupation，hecheerfullysubmittedtothelatterashiscommandingofficer，calledhimalwaysMajor，and，batingblundersanddrunkenness，wasperfectlytruetohisleader。Hehadanotion——and，indeed，Idon’tknowthatitwasawrongone——thathisprofessionwasnow，asbefore，strictlymilitary，andaccordingtotherulesofhonour。Robbinghecalledplunderingtheenemy；andhangingwas，inhisidea，adastardlyandcrueladvantagethatthelattertook，andthatcalledforthesternestreprisals。

TheothergentlemenconcernedwerestrangerstoMr。Brock，whofeltlittleinclinedtotrusteitherofthemuponsuchamessage，orwithsuchalargesumtobringback。Theyhad，strangetosay，asimilarmistrustontheirside；butMr。Brockluggedoutfiveguineas，whichheplacedinthelandlady’shandassecurityforhiscomrade’sreturn；andEnsignMacshane，beingmountedonpoorHayes’sownhorse，setofftovisittheparentsofthatunhappyyoungman。Itwasagallantsighttobeholdourthieves’ambassador，inafadedsky—bluesuitwithorangefacings，inapairofhugejack—bootsunconsciousofblacking，withamightybasket—hiltedswordbyhisside，andalittleshabbybeavercockedoveralargetow—periwig，rideoutfromtheinnofthe"ThreeRooks"onhismissiontoHayes’spaternalvillage。

ItwaseighteenmilesdistantfromWorcester；butMr。Macshaneperformedthedistanceinsafety，andinsobrietymoreover（forsuchhadbeenhisinstructions），andhadnodifficultyindiscoveringthehouseofoldHayes：towardswhich，indeed，John’shorsetrottedincontinently。Mrs。Hayes，whowasknittingatthehouse—door，wasnotalittlesurprisedattheappearanceofthewell—knowngreygelding，andofthestrangermounteduponit。

Flinginghimselfoffthesteedwithmuchagility，Mr。Macshane，assoonashisfeetreachedtheground，broughtthemrapidlytogether，inordertomakeaprofoundandelegantbowtoMrs。Hayes；andslappinghisgreasybeaveragainsthisheart，andpokinghisperiwigalmostintothenoseoftheoldlady，demandedwhetherhehadthe"shoopramehonourofadthressingMisthrissHees？"

Havingbeenansweredintheaffirmative，hethenproceededtoaskwhethertherewasablackguardboyinthehousewhowouldtake"thehorsetothesteeble；"whether"hecouldhaveadthrinkofsmall—beerorbuthermilk，being，faith，uncommondthry；"andwhether，finally，"hecouldbefeevoredwithafewminutes’privateconversationwithherandMr。Hees，onamattherofconsitherableimpartance。"AllthesepreliminariesweretobecompliedwithbeforeMr。Macshanewouldenteratallintothesubjectofhisvisit。Thehorseandmanwerecaredfor；Mr。Hayeswascalledin；

andnotalittleanxiousdidMrs。Hayesgrow，inthemeanwhile，withregardtothefateofherdarlingson。"Whereishe？Howishe？

Ishedead？"saidtheoldlady。"Ohyes，I’msurehe’sdead！"

"Indeed，madam，andyou’remisteekenintirely：theyoungmanisperfectlywellinhealth。"

"Oh，praisedbeHeaven！"

"Butmightycastdowninsperrits。Tomisfortunes，madam，lookyou，thebestofusaresubject；andatriflingonehasfelluponyourson。"

AndherewithMr。MacshaneproducedaletterinthehandwritingofyoungHayes，ofwhichwehavehadthegoodlucktoprocureacopy。

Itranthus：——

"HONOREDFATHERANDMOTHER，——Thebearerofthisisakindgentleman，whohasleftmeinagreatdealoftrouble。Yesterday，atthistowne，Ifellinwithsomegentlemenofthequeene’sservas；afterdrinkingwithwhom，IacceptedherMajesty’smonytoenliste。

Repentingthereof，Ididendeavourtoescape；and，insodoing，hadthemisfortunetostrikemysuperiorofficer，wherebyImademyselfliabletoDeath，accordingtotherulesofwarr。If，however，Ipaytwentyginnys，allwillbewel。Youmustgivethesametothebarer，elsIshallbeshottwithoutfailonTewsdaymorning。Andsonomorefromyourlovingson，"JOHNHAYES。

"FrommyprisonatBristol，thisunhappyMonday。"

WhenMrs。Hayesreadthispatheticmissive，itssuccesswithherwascomplete，andshewasforgoingimmediatelytothecupboard，andproducingthemoneynecessaryforherdarlingson’srelease。ButthecarpenterHayeswasmuchmoresuspicious。"Idon’tknowyou，sir，"saidhetotheambassador。

"Doyoudoubtmyhonour，sir？"saidtheEnsign，veryfiercely。

"Why，sir，"repliedMr。Hayes"Iknowlittleaboutitonewayorother，butshalltakeitforgranted，ifyouwillexplainalittlemoreofthisbusiness。"

"Isildomcondescindtoexplean，"saidMr。Macshane，"forit’snotthecustominmyrank；butI’llexpleananythinginreason。"

"Pray，willyoutellmeinwhatregimentmysonisenlisted？"

"Incoorse。InColonelWood’sfut，mydear；andagallantcorpsitisasanyinthearmy。"

"Andyoulefthim？"

"Onmesoul，onlythreehoursago，havingridlikeahorse—jockeyeversince；asinthesacredcauseofhumanity，curseme，everymanshould。"

AsHayes’shousewasseventymilesfromBristol，theoldgentlemanthoughtthiswasmarvellousquickriding，andso，cuttheconversationshort。"Youhavesaidquiteenough，sir，"saidhe，"toshowmethereissomerogueryinthematter，andthatthewholestoryisfalsefrombeginningtoend。"

AtthisabruptchargetheEnsignlookedsomewhatpuzzled，andthenspokewithmuchgravity。"Roguery，"saidhe，"MisthurHees，isasthrongterm；andwhich，inconsiderationofmyfriendshipforyourfamily，Ishallpassover。Youdoubtyourson’shonour，astherewrotebyhiminblackandwhite？"

"Youhaveforcedhimtowrite，"saidMr。Hayes。

"Theslyolddivvle’sright，"mutteredMr。Macshane，aside。"Well，sir，tomakeacleanbreastofit，heHASbeenforcedtowriteit。

Thestoryabouttheenlistmentisaprettyfib，ifyouwill，frombeginningtoend。Andwhatthen，mydear？Doyouthinkyourson’sanybetteroffforthat？"

"Oh，whereishe？"screamedMrs。Hayes，plumpingdownonherknees。

"WeWILLgivehimthemoney，won’twe，John？"

"Iknowyouwill，madam，whenItellyouwhereheis。Heisinthehandsofsomegentlemenofmyacquaintance，whoareatwarwiththepresentgovernment，andnomorecareaboutcuttingaman’sthroatthantheydoachicken’s。Heisaprisoner，madam，ofourswordandspear。Ifyouchoosetoransomhim，wellandgood；ifnot，peacebewithhim！fornevermoreshallyouseehim。"

"AndhowdoIknowyouwon’tcomebackto—morrowformoremoney？"

askedMr。Hayes。

"Sir，youhavemyhonour；andI’daslievebreakmyneckasmyword，"saidMr。Macshane，gravely。"Twentyguineasisthebargain。

Taketenminutestotalkofit——takeitthen，orleaveit；it’sallthesametome，mydear。"AnditmustbesaidofourfriendtheEnsign，thathemeanteverywordhesaid，andthatheconsideredtheembassyonwhichhehadcomeasperfectlyhonourableandregular。

"Andpray，whatpreventsus，"saidMr。Hayes，startingupinarage，"fromtakingholdofyou，asasuretyforhim？"

"Youwouldn’tfireonaflagoftruce，wouldye，youdishonourableouldcivilian？"repliedMr。Macshane。"Besides，"sayshe，"there’smorereasonstopreventyou：thefirstisthis，"pointingtohissword；"herearetwomore"——andthesewerepistols；"andthelastandthebestofallis，thatyoumighthangmeanddthrawmeandquartherme，anyetneverseesomuchasthetipofyourson’snoseagain。Lookyou，sir，werunmightyrisksinourprofession——it’snotallplay，Icantellyou。We’reobligedtobepunctual，too，orit’sallupwiththethrade。IfIpromisethatyoursonwilldieassureasfateto—morrowmorning，unlessIreturnhomesafe，ourpeopleMUSTkeepmypromise；orelsewhatchanceisthereforme？

Youwouldbedownuponmeinamomentwithaposseofconstables，andhavemeswingingbeforeWarwickgaol。Pooh，mydear！youneverwouldsacrificeadarlingboylikeJohnHayes，letalonehislady，forthesakeofmylongcarcass。Oneortwoofourgentlemenhavebeentakenthatwayalready，becauseparentsandguardianswouldnotbelievethem。"

"ANDWHATBECAMEOFTHEPOORCHILDREN？"saidMrs。Hayes，whobegantoperceivethegistoftheargument，andtogrowdreadfullyfrightened。

"Don’tlet’stalkofthem，ma’am：humanityshudthersatthethought！"AndherewithMr。Macshanedrewhisfingeracrosshisthroatinsuchadreadfulwayastomakethetwoparentstremble。

"It’sthewayofwar，madam，lookyou。TheserviceIhavethehonourtobelongtoisnotpaidbytheQueen；andsowe’reobligedtomakeourprisonerspay，accordingtoestablishedmilitarypractice。"

NolawyercouldhavearguedhiscasebetterthanMr。Macshanesofar；andhecompletelysucceededinconvincingMr。andMrs。Hayesofthenecessityofransomingtheirson。Promisingthattheyoungmanshouldberestoredtothemnextmorning，alongwithhisbeautifullady，hecourteouslytookleaveoftheoldcouple，andmadethebestofhiswaybacktoWorcesteragain。TheelderHayeswonderedwhotheladycouldbeofwhomtheambassadorhadspoken，fortheirson’selopementwasaltogetherunknowntothem；butangerordoubtaboutthissubjectwasoverwhelmedbytheirfearsfortheirdarlingJohn’ssafety。AwayrodethegallantMacshanewiththemoneynecessarytoeffectthis；anditmustbementioned，ashighlytohiscredit，thatheneveroncethoughtofappropriatingthesumtohimself，orofdesertinghiscomradesinanyway。

HisridefromWorcesterhadbeenalongone。Hehadleftthatcityatnoon，butbeforehisreturnthitherthesunhadgonedown；andthelandscape，whichhadbeendressedlikeaprodigal，inpurpleandgold，nowappearedlikeaQuaker，induskygrey；andthetreesbytheroad—sidegrewblackasundertakersorphysicians，and，bendingtheirsolemnheadstoeachother，whisperedominouslyamongthemselves；andthemistshungonthecommon；andthecottagelightswentoutonebyone；andtheearthandheavengrewblack，butforsometwinklinguselessstars，whichfreckledtheeboncountenanceofthelatter；andtheairgrewcolder；andabouttwoo’clockthemoonappeared，adismalpale—facedrake，walkingsolitarythroughthedesertedsky；andaboutfour，mayhap，theDawn（wretched’prentice—boy！）openedintheeasttheshuttersoftheDay：——inotherwords，morethanadozenhourshadpassed。CorporalBrockhadbeenrelievedbyMr。Redcap，thelatterbyMr。Sicklop，theone—eyedgentleman；Mrs。JohnHayes，inspiteofhersorrowsandbashfulness，hadfollowedtheexampleofherhusband，andfallenasleepbyhisside——sleptformanyhours——andawakenedstillundertheguardianshipofMr。Brock’stroop；andallpartiesbegananxiouslytoexpectthereturnoftheambassador，Mr。Macshane。

Thatofficer，whohadperformedthefirstpartofhisjourneywithsuchdistinguishedprudenceandsuccess，foundthenight，onhisjourneyhomewards，wasgrowingmightycoldanddark；andashewasthirstyandhungry，hadmoneyinhispurse，andsawnocausetohurry，hedeterminedtotakerefugeatanalehouseforthenight，andtomakeforWorcesterbydawnthenextmorning。Heaccordinglyalightedatthefirstinnonhisroad，consignedhishorsetothestable，and，enteringthekitchen，calledforthebestliquorinthehouse。

Asmallcompanywasassembledattheinn，amongwhomMr。Macshanetookhisplacewithagreatdealofdignity；and，havingaconsiderablesumofmoneyinhispocket，feltamightycontemptforhissociety，andsoonletthemknowthecontempthefeltforthem。

Afterathirdflagonofale，hediscoveredthattheliquorwassour，andemptied，withmuchsplutteringandgrimaces，theremainderofthebeerintothefire。Thisprocesssooffendedtheparsonoftheparish（whointhosegoodoldtimesdidnotdisdaintotakethepostofhonourinthechimney—nook），thathelefthiscorner，lookingwrathfullyattheoffender；whowithoutanymoreadoinstantlyoccupiedit。Itwasafinethingtohearthejinglingofthetwentypiecesinhispocket，theoathswhichhedistributedbetweenthelandlord，theguests，andtheliquor——toremarkthesprawlofhismightyjack—boots，beforethesweepofwhichthetimidguestsedgedfartherandfartheraway；andthelanguishingleerswhichhecastonthelandlady，aswithwide—spreadarmsheattemptedtoseizeuponher。

Whentheostlerhaddonehisdutiesinthestable，heenteredtheinn，andwhisperedthelandlordthat"thestrangerwasridingJohnHayes’shorse："ofwhichfactthehostsoonconvincedhimself，anddidnotfailtohavesomesuspicionsofhisguest。Hadhenotthoughtthattimeswereunquiet，horsesmightbesold，andoneman’smoneywasasgoodasanother’s，heprobablywouldhavearrestedtheEnsignimmediately，andsolostalltheprofitofthescorewhichthelatterwascausingeverymomenttobeenlarged。

Inacoupleofhours，withthathappyfacilitywhichonemayhaveoftenremarkedinmenofthegallantEnsign’snation，hehadmanagedtodisgusteveryoneofthelandlord’sotherguests，andscarethemfromthekitchen。Frightenedbyhisaddresses，thelandladytoohadtakenflight；andthehostwastheonlypersonleftintheapartment；whotherestayedforinterest’ssakemerely，andlistenedmoodilytohistipsyguest’sconversation。Inanhourmore，thewholehousewasawakenedbyaviolentnoiseofhowling，curses，andpotsclatteringtoandfro。ForthissuedMrs。Landladyinhernight—gear，outcameJohnOstlerwithhispitchfork，downstairstumbledMrs。Cookandoneortwoguests，andfoundthelandlordandensignonthekitchen—floor——thewigofthelatterlying，muchsingedandemittingstrangeodours，inthefireplace，hisfacehideouslydistorted，andagreatquantityofhisnaturalhairinthepartialoccupationofthelandlord；whohaddrawnitandtheheaddowntowardshim，inorderthathemighthavethebenefitofpummellingthelattermoreathisease。Inrevenge，thelandlordwasundermost，andtheEnsign’sarmswereworkingupanddownhisfaceandbodyliketheflapsofapaddle—wheel：themanofwarhadclearlythebestofit。

Thecombatantswereseparatedassoonaspossible；but，assoonastheexcitementofthefightwasover，EnsignMacshanewasfoundtohavenofurtherpowersofspeech，sense，orlocomotion，andwascarriedbyhislateantagonisttobed。Hisswordandpistols，whichhadbeenplacedathissideatthecommencementoftheevening，werecarefullyputby，andhispocketvisited。Twentyguineasingold，alargeknife——used，probably，forthecuttingofbread—and—cheese——somecrumbsofthosedelicaciesandapaperoftobaccofoundinthebreeches—pockets，andinthebosomofthesky—bluecoat，thelegofacoldfowlandhalfofarawonion，constitutedhiswholeproperty。

Thesearticleswerenotverysuspicious；butthebeatingwhichthelandlordhadreceivedtendedgreatlytoconfirmhisownandhiswife’sdoubtsabouttheirguest；anditwasdeterminedtosendoffintheearlymorningtoMr。Hayes，informinghimhowapersonhadlainattheirinnwhohadriddenthithermounteduponyoungHayes’shorse。OffsetJohnOstleratearliestdawn；butonhiswayhewokeupMr。Justice’sclerk，andcommunicatedhissuspicionstohim；andMr。Clerkconsultedwiththevillagebaker，whowasalwaysupearly；

andtheclerk，thebaker，thebutcherwithhiscleaver，andtwogentlemenwhoweregoingtowork，alladjournedtotheinn。

Accordingly，whenEnsignMacshanewasinatruckle—bed，plungedinthatdeepslumberwhichonlyinnocenceanddrunkennessenjoyinthisworld，andcharmingtheearsofmornbytheregularandmelodiousmusicofhisnose，avileplotwaslaidagainsthim；andwhenaboutsevenoftheclockhewoke，hefound，onsittingupinhisbed，threegentlemenoneachsideofit，armed，andlookingominous。Oneheldaconstable’sstaff，andalbeitunprovidedwithawarrant，wouldtakeuponhimselftheresponsibilityofseizingMr。Macshaneandofcarryinghimbeforehisworshipatthehall。

"Taranouns，man！"saidtheEnsign，springingupinbed，andabruptlybreakingoffaloudsonorousyawn，withwhichhehadopenedthebusinessoftheday，"youwon’tdeteenagentlemanwho’sonlifeanddeath？Igiveyemyword，anaffairofhonour。"

"Howcameyoubythattherehorse？"saidthebaker。

"Howcameyoubytheseherefifteenguineas？"saidthelandlord，inwhosehands，bysomeprocess，fiveofthegoldpieceshaddisappeared。

"Whatisthishereidolatrousstringofbeads？"saidtheclerk。

Mr。Macshane，thefactis，wasaCatholic，butdidnotcaretoownit：forinthosedayshisreligionwasnotpopular。

"Baids？HolyMotherofsaints！givemebackthembaids，"saidMr。

Macshane，claspinghishands。"Theywereblest，Itellyou，byhisholinessthepo——psha！ImanetheybelongtoadarlinglittledaughterIhadthat’sinheavennow：andasforthemoneyandthehorse，Ishouldliketoknowhowagentlemanistotravelinthiscounthrywithoutthem。"

"Why，yousee，hemaytravelinthecountrytoGIT’em，"hereshrewdlyremarkedtheconstable；"andit’sourbeliefthatneitherhorsenormoneyishonestlycomeby。Ifhisworshipissatisfied，whyso，incourse，shallwebe；butthereishighwaymenabroad，lookyou；and，toournotion，youhaveverymuchthecutofone。"

FurtherremonstrancesorthreatsonthepartofMr。Macshanewereuseless。AlthoughhevowedthathewasfirstcousintotheDukeofLeinster，anofficerinHerMajesty’sservice，andthedearestfriendLordMarlboroughhad，hisimpudentcaptorswouldnotbelieveawordofhisstatement（which，further，wasgarnishedwithatremendousnumberofoaths）；andhewas，abouteighto’clock，carrieduptothehouseofSquireBallance，theneighbouringjusticeofthepeace。

Whentheworthymagistrateaskedthecrimeofwhichtheprisonerhadbeenguilty，thecaptorslookedsomewhatpuzzledforthemoment；

since，intruth，itcouldnotbeshownthattheEnsignhadcommittedanycrimeatall；andifhehadconfinedhimselftosimplesilence，andthrownuponthemtheonusofprovinghismisdemeanours，JusticeBallancemusthavelethimloose，andsoundlyratedhisclerkandthelandlordfordetaininganhonestgentlemanonsofrivolousacharge。

ButthiscautionwasnotintheEnsign’sdisposition；andthoughhisaccusersproducednosatisfactorychargeagainsthim，hisownwordswerequiteenoughtoshowhowsuspicioushischaracterwas。Whenaskedhisname，hegaveitinasCaptainGeraldine，onhiswaytoIreland，byBristol，onavisittohiscousintheDukeofLeinster。

Hesworesolemnlythathisfriends，theDukeofMarlboroughandLordPeterborough，underbothofwhomhehadserved，shouldhearofthemannerinwhichhehadbeentreated；andwhenthejustice，——aslyoldgentleman，andonethatreadtheGazettes，askedhimatwhatbattleshehadbeenpresent，thegallantEnsignpitchedonacoupleinSpainandinFlanders，whichhadbeenfoughtwithinaweekofeachother，andvowedthathehadbeendesperatelywoundedatboth；

sothat，attheendofhisexamination，whichhadbeentakendownbytheclerk，hehadbeenmadetoacknowledgeasfollows：——CaptainGeraldine，sixfeetfourinchesinheight；thin，withaverylongrednose，andredhair；greyeyes，andspeakswithastrongIrishaccent；isthefirst—cousinoftheDukeofLeinster，andinconstantcommunicationwithhim：doesnotknowwhetherhisGracehasanychildren；doesnotknowwhereaboutshelivesinLondon；cannotsaywhatsortofalookingmanhisGraceis：isacquaintedwiththeDukeofMarlborough，andservedinthedragoonsatthebattleofRamillies；atwhichtimehewaswithmyLordPeterboroughbeforeBarcelona。BorrowedthehorsewhichheridesfromafriendinLondon，threeweekssince。PeterHobbs，ostler，swearsthatitwasinhismaster’sstablefourdaysago，andisthepropertyofJohnHayes，carpenter。Cannotaccountforthefifteenguineasfoundonhimbythelandlord；saysthereweretwenty；sayshewonthematcards，afortnightsince，atEdinburgh；saysheisridingaboutthecountryforhisamusement：afterwardssaysheisonamatteroflifeanddeath，andgoingtoBristol；declaredlastnight，inthehearingofseveralwitnesses，thathewasgoingtoYork；saysheisamanofindependentproperty，andhaslargeestatesinIreland，andahundredthousandpoundsintheBankofEngland。Hasnoshirtorstockings，andthecoathewearsismarked"S。S。"Inhisbootsiswritten"ThomasRodgers，"andinhishatisthenameofthe"Rev。

DoctorSnoffler。"

DoctorSnofflerlivedatWorcester，andhadlatelyadvertisedintheHueandCryanumberofarticlestakenfromhishouse。Mr。Macshanesaid，inreplytothis，thathishathadbeenchangedattheinn，andhewasreadytotakehisoaththathecamethitherinagold—lacedone。Butthisfactwasdisprovedbytheoathsofmanypersonswhohadseenhimattheinn。Andhewasabouttobeimprisonedforthetheftswhichhehadnotcommitted（thefactaboutthehatbeing，thathehadpurchaseditfromagentlemanatthe"ThreeRooks"fortwopintsofbeer）——hewasabouttoberemanded，when，behold，Mrs。Hayestheeldermadeherappearance；andtoheritwasthattheEnsignwasindebtedforhisfreedom。

OldHayeshadgonetoworkbeforetheostlerarrived；butwhenhiswifeheardthelad’smessage，sheinstantlycausedherpilliontobeplacedbehindthesaddle，andmountingthegreyhorse，urgedthestable—boytogallopashardaseverhecouldtothejustice’shouse。

Sheenteredpantingandalarmed。"Oh，whatisyourhonourgoingtodotothishonestgentleman？"saidshe。"InthenameofHeaven，lethimgo！Histimeisprecious——hehasimportantbusiness——businessoflifeanddeath。"

"Itouldthejidgeso，"saidtheEnsign，"butherefusedtotakemyword——thesacredwurrdofhonourofCaptainGeraldine。"

Macshanewasgoodatasinglelie，thougheasilyflusteredonanexamination；andthiswasaverycreditablestratagemtoacquaintMrs。Hayeswiththenamethathebore。

"What！youknowCaptainGeraldine？"saidMr。Ballance，whowasperfectlywellacquaintedwiththecarpenter’swife。

"Incoorseshedoes。Hasn’tsheknownmethesetinyears？Arewenotrelated？Didn’tshegivemetheveryhorsewhichIrode，and，tomakebelave，touldyouI’dboughtinLondon？"

"Lethertellherownstory。AreyourelatedtoCaptainGeraldine，Mrs。Hayes？"

"Yes——oh，yes！"

"Averyelegantconnection！Andyougavehimthehorse，didyou，ofyourownfree—will？"

"Ohyes！ofmyownwill——Iwouldgivehimanything。Do，do，yourhonour，lethimgo！Hischildisdying，"saidtheoldlady，burstingintotears。"Itmaybedeadbeforehegetsto——beforehegetsthere。Oh，yourhonour，yourhonour，pray，pray，don’tdetainhim！"

ThejusticedidnotseemtounderstandthisexcessivesympathyonthepartofMrs。Hayes；nordidthefatherhimselfappeartobenearlysoaffectedbyhischild’sprobablefateasthehonestwomanwhointerestedherselfforhim。Onthecontrary，whenshemadethispassionatespeech，CaptainGeraldineonlygrinned，andsaid，"Nivermind，mydear。Ifhishonourwillkeepanhonestgentlemanfordoingnothing，why，lethim——thelawmustsettlebetweenus；andasforthechild，poorthing，theLorddeliverit！"

Atthis，Mrs。Hayesfelltoentreatingmoreloudlythanever；andastherewasreallynochargeagainsthim，Mr。Ballancewasconstrainedtolethimgo。

Thelandlordandhisfriendsweremakingoff，ratherconfused，whenEnsignMacshanecalledupontheformerinathunderingvoicetostop，andrefundthefiveguineaswhichhehadstolenfromhim。

Againthehostsworetherewerebutfifteeninhispocket。Butwhen，ontheBible，theEnsignsolemnlyvowedthathehadtwenty，andcalleduponMrs。Hayestosaywhetheryesterday，half—an—hourbeforeheenteredtheinn，shehadnotseenhimwithtwentyguineas，andthatladyexpressedherselfreadytoswearthatshehad，Mr。

Landlordlookedmorecrestfallenthanever，andsaidthathehadnotcountedthemoneywhenhetookit；andthoughhedidinhissoulbelievethattherewereonlyfifteenguineas，ratherthanbesuspectedofashabbyaction，hewouldpaythefiveguineasoutofhisownpocket：whichhedid，andwiththeEnsign’s，orratherMrs。

Hayes’s，owncoin。

Assoonastheywereoutofthejustice’shouse，Mr。Macshane，inthefulnessofhisgratitude，couldnothelpbestowinganembraceuponMrs。Hayes。Andwhensheimploredhimtoletherridebehindhimtoherdarlingson，heyieldedwithaverygoodgrace，andoffthepairsetonJohnHayes’sgrey。

"WhohasNoseybroughtwithhimnow？"saidMr。Sicklop，Brock’sone—eyedconfederate，who，aboutthreehoursaftertheaboveadventure，waslollingintheyardofthe"ThreeRooks。"ItwasourEnsign，withthemotherofhiscaptive。Theyhadnotmetwithanyaccidentintheirride。

"Ishallnowhavetheshoopramebliss，"saidMr。Macshane，withmuchfeeling，asheliftedMrs。Hayesfromthesaddle———"theshooprameblissofintwiningtwoharrtsthataremeadforoneanother。Ours，mydear，isadismalprofession；butah！don’tmomentslikethismakeamindsforyearsofpain？Thisway，mydear。Turntoyourright，thentoyourleft——mindthestip——andthethirddoorroundthecorner。"

Alltheseprecautionswereattendedto；andaftergivinghisconcertedknock，Mr。Macshanewasadmittedintoanapartment，whichheenteredholdinghisgoldpiecesintheonehand，andaladybytheother。

Weshallnotdescribethemeetingwhichtookplacebetweenmotherandson。Theoldladyweptcopiously；theyoungmanwasreallygladtoseehisrelative，forhedeemedthathistroubleswereover。

Mrs。Catbitherlips，andstoodaside，lookingsomewhatfoolish；

Mr。Brockcountedthemoney；andMr。Macshanetookalargedoseofstrongwaters，asapleasingsolaceforhislabours，dangers，andfatigue。

Whenthematernalfeelingsweresomewhatcalmed，theoldladyhadleisuretolookabouther，andreallyfeltakindoffriendshipandgoodwillforthecompanyofthievesinwhichshefoundherself。Itseemedtoherthattheyhadconferredanactualfavouronher，inrobbingheroftwentyguineas，threateningherson’slife，andfinallylettinghimgo。

"Whoisthatdrolloldgentleman？"saidshe；andbeingtoldthatitwasCaptainWood，shedroppedhimacurtsey，andsaid，withmuchrespect，"Captain，yourveryhumbleservant；"whichcomplimentMr。

Brockacknowledgedbyagracioussmileandbow。"Andwhoisthisprettyyounglady？"continuedMrs。Hayes。

"Why——hum——oh——mother，youmustgiveheryourblessing。SheisMrs。

JohnHayes。"AndherewithMr。Hayesbroughtforwardhisinterestinglady，tointroducehertohismamma。

Thenewsdidnotatallpleasetheoldlady；whoreceivedMrs。

Catherine’sembracewithaverysourfaceindeed。However，themischiefwasdone；andshewastoogladtogetbackhersontobe，onsuchanoccasion，veryangrywithhim。So，afteraproperrebuke，shetoldMrs。JohnHayesthatthoughsheneverapprovedofherson’sattachment，andthoughthemarriedbelowhiscondition，yetastheevilwasdone，itwastheirdutytomakethebestofit；

andshe，forherpart，wouldreceiveherintoherhouse，andmakeherascomfortablethereasshecould。

"Iwonderwhethershehasanymoremoneyinthathouse？"whisperedMr。SickloptoMr。Redcap；who，withthelandlady，hadcometothedooroftheroom，andhadbeenamusingthemselvesbythecontemplationofthissentimentalscene。

"WhatafoolthatwildHirishmanwasnottobleedherformore！"

saidthelandlady；"buthe’sapoorignorantPapist。I’msuremyman"（thisgentlemanhadbeenhanged），"wouldn’thavecomeawaywithsuchabeggarlysum。"

"Supposewehavesomemoreoutof’em？"saidMr。Redcap。"Whatpreventsus？Wehavegottheoldmare，andthecolttoo，——ha！ha！——

andthepairof’emoughttobeworthatleastahundredtous。"

Thisconversationwascarriedonsottovoce；andIdon’tknowwhetherMr。Brockhadanynotionoftheplotwhichwasarrangedbythethreeworthies。Thelandladybeganit。"Whichpunch，madam，willyoutake？"saysshe。"Youmusthavesomethingforthegoodofthehouse，nowyouareinit。"

"Incoorse，"saidtheEnsign。

"Certainly，"saidtheotherthree。Buttheoldladysaidshewasanxioustoleavetheplace；andputtingdownacrown—piece，requestedthehostesstotreatthegentlemeninherabsence。

"Good—bye，Captain，"saidtheoldlady。

"Ajew！"criedtheEnsign，"andlonglifetoyou，mydear。Yougotmeoutofascrapeatthejustice’syonder；and，splitme！butInsignMacshanewillremimberitaslongashelives。"

AndnowHayesandthetwoladiesmadeforthedoor；butthelandladyplacedherselfagainstit，andMr。Sicklopsaid，"No，no，myprettymadams，youain’ta—goingoffsocheapasthatneither；youarenotgoingoutforabeggarlytwentyguineas，lookyou，——wemusthavemore。"

Mr。Hayesstartingback，andcursinghisfate，fairlyburstintotears；thetwowomenscreamed；andMr。Brocklookedasifthepropositionbothamusedandhadbeenexpectedbyhim：butnotsoEnsignMacshane。

"Major！"saidhe，clawingfiercelyholdofBrock’sarms。

"Ensign，"saidMr。Brock，smiling。

"Arrwe，orarrwenot，menofhonour？"

"Oh，incoorse，"saidBrock，laughing，andusingMacshane’sfavouriteexpression。

"IfweARRmenofhonour，weareboundtosticktoourword；and，harkye，youdirtyone—eyedscoundrel，ifyoudon’timmadiatelymakewayfortheseleedies，andthislily—liveredyoungjontlemanwho’scryingso，theMeejorhereandIwilllugoutandforceyou。"Andsosaying，hedrewhisgreatswordandmadeapassatMr。Sicklop；

whichthatgentlemanavoided，andwhichcausedhimandhiscompaniontoretreatfromthedoor。Thelandladystillkeptherpositionatit，andwithastormofoathsagainsttheEnsign，andagainsttwoEnglishmenwhoranawayfromawildHirishman，sworeshewouldnotbudgeafoot，andwouldstandthereuntilherdyingday。

"Faith，then，needsmust，"saidtheEnsign，andmadealungeatthehostess，whichpassedsonearthewretch’sthroat，thatshescreamed，sankonherknees，andatlastopenedthedoor。

Downthestairs，then，withgreatstate，Mr。Macshaneledtheelderlady，themarriedcouplefollowing；andhavingseenthemtothestreet，tookanaffectionatefarewelloftheparty，whomhevowedthathewouldcomeandsee。"Youcanwalktheeighteenmilesaisy，betweenthisandnightfall，"saidhe。

"WALK！"exclaimedMr。Hayes。"Why，haven’twegotBall，andshallrideandtiealltheway？"

"Madam！"criedMacshane，inasternvoice，"honourbeforeeverything。Didyounot，inthepresenceofhisworship，vowanddeclarethatyougavemethathorse，andnowd’yetalkoftakingitbackagain？Letmetellyou，madam，thatsuchpaltrythricksillbecomeapersonofyouryearsandrespectability，andoughtnevertobeplayedwithInsignTimothyMacshane。"

Hewavedhishatandstrutteddownthestreet；andMrs。CatherineHayes，alongwithherbridegroomandmother—in—law，madethebestoftheirwayhomewardonfoot。

CHAPTERVII。WHICHEMBRACESAPERIODOFSEVENYEARS。

TherecoveryofsoconsiderableaportionofhispropertyfromtheclutchesofBrockwas，asmaybeimagined，notriflingsourceofjoytothatexcellentyoungman，CountGustavusAdolphusdeGalgenstein；

andhewasoftenknowntosay，withmucharchness，andaproperfeelingofgratitudetotheFatewhichhadordainedthingsso，thattherobberywas，inreality，oneofthebestthingsthatcouldhavehappenedtohim：for，ineventofMr。Brock’sNOTstealingthemoney，hisExcellencytheCountwouldhavehadtopaythewholetotheWarwickshireSquire，whohadwonitfromhimatplay。Hewasenabled，inthepresentinstance，topleadhisnotoriouspovertyasanexcuse；andtheWarwickshireconquerorgotoffwithnothing，exceptaverybadlywrittenautographoftheCount’s，simplyacknowledgingthedebt。

ThispointhisExcellencyconcededwiththegreatestcandour；but（as，doubtless，thereadermayhaveremarkedinthecourseofhisexperience）tooweisnotquitethesamethingastopay；andfromthedayofhiswinningthemoneyuntilthedayofhisdeaththeWarwickshireSquiredidnever，byanychance，touchasinglebob，tizzy，tester，moidore，maravedi，doubloon，tomaun，orrupee，ofthesumwhichMonsieurdeGalgensteinhadlosttohim。

Thatyoungnoblemanwas，asMr。Brockhintedinthelittleautobiographicalsketchwhichwegaveinaformerchapter，incarceratedforacertainperiod，andforcertainotherdebts，inthedonjonsofShrewsbury；buthereleasedhimselffromthembythatnobleandconsolatorymethodofwhitewashingwhichthelawhasprovidedforgentlemeninhisoppressedcondition；andhehadnotbeenaweekinLondon，whenhefellinwith，andovercame，orputtoflight，CaptainWood，aliasBrock，andimmediatelyseizedupontheremainderofhisproperty。Afterreceivingthis，theCount，withcommendablediscretion，disappearedfromEnglandaltogetherforawhile；norareweatallauthorisedtostatethatanyofhisdebtstohistradesmenweredischarged，anymorethanhisdebtsofhonour，astheyarepleasantlycalled。

Havingthussettledwithhiscreditors，thegallantCounthadinterestenoughwithsomeofthegreatfolktoprocureforhimselfapostabroad，andwasabsentinHollandforsometime。ItwasherethathebecameacquaintedwiththelovelyMadamSilverkoop，thewidowofadeceasedgentlemanofLeyden；andalthoughtheladywasnotatthatageatwhichtenderpassionsareusuallyinspired——beingsixty——andthoughshecouldnot，likeMademoiselleNinondel’Enclos，thenatParis，boastofcharmswhichdefiedtheprogressoftime，——forMrs。Silverkoopwasasredasaboiledlobster，andasunwieldyasaporpoise；andalthoughhermentalattractionsdidbynomeansmakeupforherpersonaldeficiencies，——forshewasjealous，violent，vulgar，drunken，andstingytoamiracle：yethercharmshadanimmediateeffectonMonsieurdeGalgenstein；andhence，perhaps，thereader（therogue！howwellheknowstheworld！）

willbeledtoconcludethatthehonestwidowwasRICH。

Such，indeed，shewas；andCountGustavus，despisingthedifferencebetweenhistwentyquarteringsandhertwentythousandpounds，laidthemostdesperatesiegetoher，andfinishedbycausinghertocapitulate；asIdobelieve，afterareasonabledegreeofpressing，anywomanwilldotoanyman：such，atleast，hasbeenMY

experienceinthematter。

TheCountthenmarried；anditwascurioustoseehowhe——who，aswehaveseeninthecaseofMrs。Cat，hadbeenasgreatatigeranddomesticbullyasanyextant——now，bydegrees，fellintoaquietsubmissiontowardshisenormousCountess；whoorderedhimupanddownasaladyordersherfootman，whopermittedhimspeedilynottohaveawillofhisown，andwhodidnotallowhimashillingofhermoneywithoutreceivingforthesameanaccurateaccount。

Howwasitthathe，theabjectslaveofMadamSilverkoop，hadbeenvictoriousoverMrs。Cat？Thefirstblowis，Ibelieve，thedecisiveoneinthesecases，andtheCountesshadstrickenitaweekaftertheirmarriage；——establishingasupremacywhichtheCountneverafterwardsattemptedtoquestion。

WehavealludedtohisExcellency’smarriage，asindutybound，becauseitwillbenecessarytoaccountforhisappearancehereafterinamoresplendidfashionthanthatunderwhichhehashithertobeenknowntous；andjustcomfortingthereaderbytheknowledgethattheunion，thoughprosperousinaworldlypointofview，was，inreality，extremelyunhappy，wemustsaynomorefromthistimeforthofthefatandlegitimateMadamdeGalgenstein。OurdarlingisMrs。Catherine，whohadformerlyactedinherstead；andonlyinsomuchasthefatCountessdidinfluenceinanywaythedestiniesofourheroine，orthosewiseandvirtuouspersonswhohaveappearedandaretofollowhertoherend，shallweinanydegreeallowhernametofigurehere。Itisanawfulthingtogetaglimpse，asonesometimesdoes，whenthetimeispast，ofsomelittlelittlewheelwhichworksthewholemightymachineryofFATE，andseehowourdestiniesturnonaminute’sdelayoradvance，orontheturningofastreet，oronsomebodyelse’sturningofastreet，oronsomebodyelse’sdoingofsomethingelseinDowningStreetorinTimbuctoo，noworathousandyearsago。Thus，forinstance，ifMissPoots，intheyear1695，hadneverbeenthelovelyinmateofaSpielhausatAmsterdam，Mr。VanSilverkoopwouldneverhaveseenher；ifthedayhadnotbeenextraordinarilyhot，theworthymerchantwouldneverhavegonethither；ifhehadnotbeenfondofRhenishwineandsugar，heneverwouldhavecalledforanysuchdelicacies；ifhehadnotcalledforthem，MissOttiliaPootswouldneverhavebroughtthem，andpartakenofthem；ifhehadnotbeenrich，shewouldcertainlyhaverejectedalltheadvancesmadetoherbySilverkoop；

ifhehadnotbeensofondofRhenishandsugar，heneverwouldhavedied；andMrs。Silverkoopwouldhavebeenneitherrichnorawidow，norawifetoCountvonGalgenstein。Nay，norwouldthishistoryhaveeverbeenwritten；forifCountGalgensteinhadnotmarriedtherichwidow，Mrs。Catherinewouldneverhave——

Oh，mydearmadam！youthoughtweweregoingtotellyou。Pooh！

nonsense！——nosuchthing！notfortwoorthreeandseventypagesorso，——when，perhaps，youMAYknowwhatMrs。Catherineneverwouldhavedone。

Thereaderwillremember，inthesecondchapteroftheseMemoirs，theannouncementthatMrs。Catherinehadgiventotheworldachild，whomightbear，ifhechose，thearmsofGalgenstein，withthefurtheradornmentofabar—sinister。Thischildhadbeenputouttonursesometimebeforeitsmother’selopementfromtheCount；andasthatnoblemanwasinfundsatthetime（havinghadthatsuccessatplaywhichwedulychronicled），hepaidasumofnolessthantwentyguineas，whichwastobetheyearlyrewardofthenurseintowhosechargetheboywasput。Thewomangrewfondofthebrat；andwhen，afterthefirstyear，shehadnofurthernewsorremittancesfromfatherormother，shedetermined，forawhileatleast，tomaintaintheinfantatherownexpense；for，whenrebukedbyherneighboursonthisscore，shestoutlysworethatnoparentscouldeverdeserttheirchildren，andthatsomedayorothersheshouldnotfailtoberewardedforhertroublewiththisone。

UnderthisstrangementalhallucinationpoorGoodyBillings，whohadfivechildrenandahusbandofherown，continuedtogivefoodandsheltertolittleTomforaperiodofnolessthansevenyears；andthoughitmustbeacknowledgedthattheyounggentlemandidnotintheslightestdegreemeritthekindnessesshowntohim，GoodyBillings，whowasofaverysoftandpitifuldisposition，continuedtobestowthemuponhim：because，shesaid，hewaslonelyandunprotected，anddeservedthemmorethanotherchildrenwhohadfathersandmotherstolookafterthem。If，then，anydifferencewasmadebetweenTom’streatmentandthatofherownbrood，itwasconsiderablyinfavouroftheformer；towhomthelargestproportionsoftreaclewereallottedforhisbread，andthehandsomestsuppliesofhastypudding。Besides，todoMrs。Billingsjustice，thereWASapartyagainsthim；andthatconsistednotonlyofherhusbandandherfivechildren，butofeverysinglepersonintheneighbourhoodwhohadanopportunityofseeingandbecomingacquaintedwithMasterTom。

Acelebratedphilosopher——IthinkMissEdgeworth——hasbroachedtheconsolatorydoctrine，thatinintellectanddispositionallhumanbeingsareentirelyequal，andthatcircumstanceandeducationarethecausesofthedistinctionsanddivisionswhichafterwardsunhappilytakeplaceamongthem。Nottoarguethisquestion，whichplacesJackHowardandJackThurtellonanexactlevel，——whichwouldhaveustobelievethatLordMelbourneisbynaturalgiftsandexcellencesamanashonest，brave，andfar—sightedastheDukeofWellington，——whichwouldmakeoutthatLordLyndhurstis，inpointofprinciple，eloquence，andpoliticalhonesty，nobetterthanMr。

O’Connell，——not，Isay，arguingthisdoctrine，letussimplystatethatMasterThomasBillings（for，havingnoother，hetookthenameoftheworthypeoplewhoadoptedhim）wasinhislong—coatsfearfullypassionate，screamingandroaringperpetually，andshowingalltheillthatheCOULDshow。Attheageoftwo，whenhisstrengthenabledhimtotoddleabroad，hisfavouriteresortwasthecoal—holeorthedung—heap：hisroaringshadnotdiminishedintheleast，andhehadaddedtohisformervirtuestwonewones，——aloveoffightingandstealing；bothwhichamiablequalitieshehadmanyopportunitiesofexercisingeveryday。Hefoughthislittleadoptivebrothersandsisters；hekickedandcuffedhisfatherandmother；hefoughtthecat，stampeduponthekittens，wasworstedinaseverebattlewiththeheninthebackyard；but，inrevenge，nearlybeatalittlesucking—pigtodeath，whomhecaughtaloneandramblingnearhisfavouritehaunt，thedung—hill。Asforstealing，hestoletheeggs，whichheperforatedandemptied；thebutter，whichheatewithorwithoutbread，ashecouldfindit；thesugar，whichhecunninglysecretedintheleavesofa"Baker’sChronicle，"

thatnobodyintheestablishmentcouldread；andthusfromthepagesofhistoryheusedtosuckinallheknew——thievingandlyingnamely；inwhich，forhisyears，hemadewonderfulprogress。IfanyfollowersofMissEdgeworthandthephilosophersareinclinedtodisbelievethisstatement，ortosetitdownasoverchargedanddistorted，letthembeassuredthatjustthisverypicturewas，ofallthepicturesintheworld，takenfromnature。I，IkeySolomons，oncehadadearlittlebrotherwhocouldstealbeforehecouldwalk（andthisnotfromencouragement，——for，ifyouknowtheworld，youmustknowthatinfamiliesofourprofessionthepointofhonourissacredathome，——butfrompurenature）——whocouldsteal，Isay，beforehecouldwalk，andliebeforehecouldspeak；andwho，atfourandahalfyearsofage，havingattackedmysisterRebeccaonsomequestionoflollipops，hadsmittenherontheelbowwithafire—shovel，apologisingtousbysayingsimply，"————her，Iwishithadbeenherhead！"Dear，dearAminadab！Ithinkofyou，andlaughthesephilosopherstoscorn。Naturemadeyouforthatcareerwhichyoufulfilled：youwerefromyourbirthtoyourdyingascoundrel；youCOULDN’Thavebeenanythingelse，howeveryourlotwascast；andblesseditwasthatyouwerebornamongtheprigs，—

—forhadyoubeenofanyotherprofession，alas！alas！whatillsmightyouhavedone！AsIhaveheardtheauthorof"Richelieu，"

"SiameseTwins，"etc。say"Poetanasciturnonfit，"whichmeansthatthoughhehadtriedeversomuchtobeapoet，itwasallmoonshine：

inthelikemanner，Isay，"ROAGUSnascitur，nonfit。"Wehaveitfromnature，andsoafigforMissEdgeworth。

Inthismanner，then，whilehisfather，blessedwithawealthywife，wasleading，inafinehouse，thelifeofagalley—slave；whilehismother，marriedtoMr。Hayes，andmadeanhonestwomenof，asthesayingis，waspassinghertimerespectablyinWarwickshire，Mr。