第7章
"Itisrathergalling，youknow，"headded，"whenagirlhasalotofthingsshewantstowritetoyouandcan"tsendaletterexceptbysomeroundabout，underhandway。"
"Oneneverrealisesone"sblessingswhileoneenjoysthem，"saidClovis；"nowIhavetospendaconsiderableamountofingenuityinventingexcusesfornothavingwrittentopeople。"
"It"snotajokingmatter，"saidBertieresentfully："youwouldn"tfinditfunnyifyourmotheropenedallyourletters。"
"Thefunnythingtomeisthatyoushouldletherdoit。"
"Ican"tstopit。I"vearguedaboutit——"
"Youhaven"tusedtherightkindofargument，Iexpect。Now，ifeverytimeoneofyourletterswasopenedyoulayonyourbackonthedining-tableduringdinnerandhadafit，orrousedtheentirefamilyinthemiddleofthenighttohearyoureciteoneofBlake"s"PoemsofInnocence，"youwouldgetafarmorerespectfulhearingforfutureprotests。Peopleyieldmoreconsiderationtoamutilatedmealtimeorabrokennight"srest，thanevertheywouldtoabrokenheart。"
"Oh，dryup，"saidBertiecrossly，inconsistentlysplashingClovisfromheadtofootasheplungedintothewater。
Itwasadayortwoaftertheconversationintheswimming-baththataletteraddressedtoBertieHeasantslidintotheletter-boxathishome，andthenceintothehandsofhismother。Mrs。Heasantwasoneofthoseempty-mindedindividualstowhomotherpeople"saffairsareperpetuallyinteresting。Themoreprivatetheyareintendedtobethemoreacuteistheinteresttheyarouse。Shewouldhaveopenedthisparticularletterinanycase；thefactthatitwasmarked"private，"anddiffusedadelicatebutpenetratingaromamerelycausedhertoopenitwithheadlonghasteratherthanmatter-of-
coursedeliberation。Theharvestofsensationthatrewardedherwasbeyondallexpectations。
"Bertie，carissimo，"itbegan，"Iwonderifyouwillhavethenervetodoit：itwilltakesomenerve，too。Don"tforgetthejewels。
Theyareadetail，butdetailsinterestme。
"Yoursasever，Clotilde。"
"Yourmothermustnotknowofmyexistence。Ifquestionedswearyouneverheardofme。"
ForyearsMrs。HeasanthadsearchedBertie"scorrespondencediligentlyfortracesofpossibledissipationoryouthfulentanglements，andatlastthesuspicionsthathadstimulatedherinquisitorialzealwerejustifiedbythisonesplendidhaul。Thatanyonewearingtheexoticname"Clotilde"shouldwritetoBertieundertheincriminatingannouncement"asever"wassufficientlyelectrifying，withouttheastoundingallusiontothejewels。Mrs。
Heasantcouldrecallnovelsanddramaswhereinjewelsplayedanexcitingandcommandingrole，andhere，underherownroof，beforeherveryeyesasitwere，herownsonwascarryingonanintrigueinwhichjewelsweremerelyaninterestingdetail。Bertiewasnotduehomeforanotherhour，buthissisterswereavailablefortheimmediateunburdeningofascandal-ladenmind。
"Bertieisinthetoilsofanadventuress，"shescreamed；"hernameisClotilde，"sheadded，asifshethoughttheyhadbetterknowtheworstatonce。Thereareoccasionswhenmoreharmthangoodisdonebyshieldingyounggirlsfromaknowledgeofthemoredeplorablerealitiesoflife。
BythetimeBertiearrivedhismotherhaddiscussedeverypossibleandimprobableconjectureastohisguiltysecret；thegirlslimitedthemselvestotheopinionthattheirbrotherhadbeenweakratherthanwicked。
"WhoisClotilde？"wasthequestionthatconfrontedBertiealmostbeforehehadgotintothehall。Hisdenialofanyknowledgeofsuchapersonwasmetwithanoutburstofbitterlaughter。
"Howwellyouhavelearnedyourlesson！"exclaimedMrs。Heasant。
ButsatiregavewaytofuriousindignationwhensherealisedthatBertiedidnotintendtothrowanyfurtherlightonherdiscovery。
"Youshan"thaveanydinnertillyou"veconfessedeverything，"shestormed。
Bertie"sreplytooktheformofhastilycollectingmaterialforanimpromptubanquetfromthelarderandlockinghimselfintohisbedroom。Hismothermadefrequentvisitstothelockeddoorandshoutedasuccessionofinterrogationswiththepersistenceofonewhothinksthatifyouaskaquestionoftenenoughananswerwilleventuallyresult。Bertiedidnothingtoencouragethesupposition。
Anhourhadpassedinfruitlessone-sidedpalaverwhenanotherletteraddressedtoBertieandmarked"private"madeitsappearanceintheletter-box。Mrs。Heasantpouncedonitwiththeenthusiasmofacatthathasmisseditsmouseandtowhomasecondhasbeenunexpectedlyvouchsafed。Ifshehopedforfurtherdisclosuresassuredlyshewasnotdisappointed。
"Soyouhavereallydoneit！"theletterabruptlycommenced；"PoorDagmar。NowsheisdoneforIalmostpityher。Youdiditverywell，youwickedboy，theservantsallthinkitwassuicide，andtherewillbenofuss。Betternottouchthejewelstillaftertheinquest。
"Clotilde。"
AnythingthatMrs。Heasanthadpreviouslydoneinthewayofoutcrywaseasilysurpassedassheracedupstairsandbeatfranticallyatherson"sdoor。
"Miserableboy，whathaveyoudonetoDagmar？"
"It"sDagmarnow，isit？"hesnapped；"itwillbeGeraldinenext。"
"Thatitshouldcometothis，afterallmyeffortstokeepyouathomeofanevening，"sobbedMrs。Heasant；"it"snouseyoutryingtohidethingsfromme；Clotilde"sletterbetrayseverything。"
"Doesitbetraywhosheis？"askedBertie；"I"veheardsomuchabouther，Ishouldliketoknowsomethingaboutherhome-life。
Seriously，ifyougoonlikethisIshallfetchadoctor；I"veoftenenoughbeenpreachedataboutnothing，butI"veneverhadanimaginaryharemdraggedintothediscussion。"
"Aretheselettersimaginary？"screamedMrs。Heasant；"whataboutthejewels，andDagmar，andthetheoryofsuicide？"
Nosolutionoftheseproblemswasforthcomingthroughthebedroomdoor，butthelastpostoftheeveningproducedanotherletterforBertie，anditscontentsbroughtMrs。Heasantthatenlightenmentwhichhadalreadydawnedonherson。
"DearBertie，"itran；"IhopeIhaven"tdistractedyourbrainwiththespooflettersI"vebeensendinginthenameofafictitiousClotilde。Youtoldmetheotherdaythattheservants，orsomebodyatyourhome，tamperedwithyourletters，soIthoughtIwouldgiveanyonethatopenedthemsomethingexcitingtoread。Theshockmightdothemgood。
"Yours，"ClovisSangrail。"
Mrs。HeasantknewClovisslightly，andwasratherafraidofhim。Itwasnotdifficulttoreadbetweenthelinesofhissuccessfulhoax。
InachastenedmoodsherappedoncemoreatBertie"sdoor。
"AletterfromMr。Sangrail。It"sallbeenastupidhoax。Hewrotethoseotherletters。Why，whereareyougoing？"
Bertiehadopenedthedoor；hehadonhishatandovercoat。
"I"mgoingforadoctortocomeandseeifanything"sthematterwithyou。Ofcourseitwasallahoax，butnopersoninhisrightmindcouldhavebelievedallthatrubbishaboutmurderandsuicideandjewels。You"vebeenmakingenoughnoisetobringthehousedownforthelasthourortwo。"
"ButwhatwasItothinkofthoseletters？"whimperedMrs。Heasant。
"Ishouldhaveknownwhattothinkofthem，"saidBertie；"ifyouchoosetoexciteyourselfoverotherpeople"scorrespondenceit"syourownfault。Anyhow，I"mgoingforadoctor。"
ItwasBertie"sgreatopportunity，andheknewit。Hismotherwasconsciousofthefactthatshewouldlookratherridiculousifthestorygotabout。Shewaswillingtopayhush-money。
"I"llneveropenyourlettersagain，"shepromised。AndClovishasnomoredevotedslavethanBertieHeasant。
THESEVENCREAMJUGS
"IsupposeweshallneverseeWilfredPigeoncoteherenowthathehasbecomeheirtothebaronetcyandtoalotofmoney，"observedMrs。PeterPigeoncoteregretfullytoherhusband。
"Well，wecanhardlyexpectto，"hereplied，"seeingthatwealwayschokedhimofffromcomingtoseeuswhenhewasaprospectivenobody。Idon"tthinkI"veseteyesonhimsincehewasaboyoftwelve。"
"Therewasareasonfornotwantingtoencouragehisacquaintanceship，"saidMrs。Peter。"Withthatnotoriousfailingofhishewasnotthesortofpersononewantedinone"shouse。"
"Well，thefailingstillexists，doesn"tit？"saidherhusband；"ordoyousupposeareformofcharacterisentailedalongwiththeestate？"
"Oh，ofcourse，thereisstillthatdrawback，"admittedthewife，"butonewouldliketomaketheacquaintanceofthefutureheadofthefamily，ifonlyoutofmerecuriosity。Besides，cynicismapart，hisbeingrichwillmakeadifferenceinthewaypeoplewilllookathisfailing。Whenamanisabsolutelywealthy，notmerelywell-to-
do，allsuspicionofsordidmotivenaturallydisappears；thethingbecomesmerelyatiresomemalady。"
WilfridPigeoncotehadsuddenlybecomeheirtohisuncle，SirWilfridPigeoncote，onthedeathofhiscousin，MajorWilfridPigeoncote，whohadsuccumbedtotheafter-effectsofapoloaccident。（AWilfridPigeoncotehadcoveredhimselfwithhonoursinthecourseofMarlborough"scampaigns，andthenameWilfridhadbeenabaptismalweaknessinthefamilyeversince。）Thenewheirtothefamilydignityandestateswasayoungmanofaboutfive-and-twenty，whowasknownmorebyreputationthanbypersontoawidecircleofcousinsandkinsfolk。Andthereputationwasanunpleasantone。
ThenumerousotherWilfridsinthefamilyweredistinguishedonefromanotherchieflybythenamesoftheirresidencesorprofessions，asWilfridofHubbledown，andyoungWilfridtheGunner，butthisparticularscionwasknownbytheignominiousandexpressivelabelofWilfridtheSnatcher。Fromhislateschooldaysonwardhehadbeenpossessedbyanacuteandobstinateformofkleptomania；hehadtheacquisitiveinstinctofthecollectorwithoutanyofthecollector"sdiscrimination。Anythingthatwassmallerandmoreportablethanasideboard，andabovethevalueofninepence，hadanirresistibleattractionforhim，providedthatitfulfilledthenecessaryconditionofbelongingtosomeoneelse。Ontherareoccasionswhenhewasincludedinacountry-houseparty，itwasusualandalmostnecessaryforhishost，orsomememberofthefamily，tomakeafriendlyinquisitionthroughhisbaggageontheeveofhisdeparture，toseeifhehadpackedup"bymistake"anyoneelse"sproperty。Thesearchusuallyproducedalargeandvariedyield。
"Thisisfunny，"saidPeterPigeoncotetohiswife，somehalf-houraftertheirconversation；"here"satelegramfromWilfrid，sayinghe"spassingthroughhereinhismotor，andwouldliketostopandpayushisrespects。Canstayforthenightifitdoesn"tinconvenienceus。Signed"WilfridPigeoncote。"MustbetheSnatcher；noneoftheothershaveamotor。Isupposehe"sbringingusapresentforthesilverwedding。"
"Goodgracious！"saidMrs。Peter，asathoughtstruckher；"thisisratheranawkwardtimetohaveapersonwithhisfailinginthehouse。Allthosesilverpresentssetoutinthedrawing-room，andotherscomingbyeverypost；Ihardlyknowwhatwe"vegotandwhatarestilltocome。Wecan"tlockthemallup；he"ssuretowanttoseethem。"
"Wemustkeepasharplook-out，that"sall，"saidPeterreassuringly。
"Butthesepractisedkleptomaniacsaresoclever，"saidhiswife，apprehensively，"anditwillbesoawkwardifhesuspectsthatwearewatchinghim。"
Awkwardnesswasindeedtheprevailingnotethateveningwhenthepassingtravellerwasbeingentertained。Thetalkflittednervouslyandhurriedlyfromoneimpersonaltopictoanother。Theguesthadnoneofthefurtive，half-apologeticairthathiscousinshadratherexpectedtofind；hewaspolite，well-assured，and，perhaps，justalittleinclinedto"putonside"。Hishosts，ontheotherhand，woreanuneasymannerthatmighthavebeenthehallmarkofconsciousdepravity。Inthedrawing-room，afterdinner，theirnervousnessandawkwardnessincreased。
"Oh，wehaven"tshownyouthesilver-weddingpresents，"saidMrs。
Peter，suddenly，asthoughstruckbyabrilliantideaforentertainingtheguest；"heretheyallare。Suchnice，usefulgifts。Afewduplicates，ofcourse。"
"Sevencreamjugs，"putinPeter。
"Yes，isn"titannoying，"wentonMrs。Peter；"sevenofthem。Wefeelthatwemustliveoncreamfortherestofourlives。Ofcourse，someofthemcanbechanged。"
Wilfridoccupiedhimselfchieflywithsuchofthegiftsaswereofantiqueinterest，carryingoneortwoofthemovertothelamptoexaminetheirmarks。Theanxietyofhishostsatthesemomentsresembledthesolicitudeofacatwhosenewlybornkittensarebeinghandedroundforinspection。
"Letmesee；didyougivemebackthemustard-pot？Thisisitsplacehere，"pipedMrs。Peter。
"Sorry。Iputitdownbytheclaret-jug，"saidWilfrid，busywithanotherobject。
"Oh，justletmehavethesugar-sifteragain，"askedMrs。Peter，doggeddeterminationshowingthroughhernervousness；"ImustlabelitwhoitcomesfrombeforeIforget。"
Vigilancewasnotcompletelycrownedwithasenseofvictory。Aftertheyhadsaid"Good-night"totheirvisitor，Mrs。Peterexpressedherconvictionthathehadtakensomething。
"Ifancy，byhismanner，thattherewassomethingup，"corroboratedherhusband；"doyoumissanything？"
Mrs。Petershastilycountedthearrayofgifts。
"Icanonlymakeitthirty-four，andIthinkitshouldbethirty-
five，"sheannounced；"Ican"trememberifthirty-fiveincludestheArchdeacon"scruet-standthathasn"tarrivedyet。"
"Howoneartharewetoknow？"saidPeter。"Themeanpighasn"tbroughtusapresent，andI"mhangedifheshallcarryoneoff。"
"To-morrow，when"shehavinghisbath，"saidMrs。Peterexcitedly，"he"ssuretoleavehiskeyssomewhere，andwecangothroughhisportmanteau。It"stheonlythingtodo。"
Onthemorrowanalertwatchwaskeptbytheconspiratorsbehindhalf-closeddoors，andwhenWilfrid，cladinagorgeousbath-robe，hadmadehiswaytothebath-room，therewasaswiftandfurtiverushbytwoexcitedindividualstowardstheprincipalguest-chamber。
Mrs。Peterkeptguardoutside，whileherhusbandfirstmadeahurriedandsuccessfulsearchforthekeys，andthenplungedattheportmanteauwiththeairofadisagreeablyconscientiousCustomsofficial。Thequestwasabriefone；asilvercreamjuglayembeddedinthefoldsofsomezephyrshirts。
"Thecunningbrute，"saidMrs。Peters；"hetookacreamjugbecausethereweresomany；hethoughtonewouldn"tbemissed。Quick，flydownwithitandputitbackamongtheothers。"
Wilfridwaslateincomingdowntobreakfast，andhismannershowedplainlythatsomethingwasamiss。
"It"sanunpleasantthingtohavetosay，"heblurtedoutpresently，"butI"mafraidyoumusthaveathiefamongyourservants。
Something"sbeentakenoutofmyportmanteau。Itwasalittlepresentfrommymotherandmyselfforyoursilverwedding。Ishouldhavegivenittoyoulastnightafterdinner，onlyithappenedtobeacreamjug，andyouseemedannoyedathavingsomanyduplicates，soIfeltratherawkwardaboutgivingyouanother。IthoughtI"dgetitchangedforsomethingelse，andnowit"sgone。"
"DidyousayitwasfromyourMOTHERandyourself？"askedMr。andMrs。Peteralmostinunison。TheSnatcherhadbeenanorphanthesemanyyears。
"Yes，mymother"satCairojustnow，andshewrotetomeatDresdentotryandgetyousomethingquaintandprettyintheoldsilverline，andIpitchedonthiscreamjug。"
BoththePigeoncoteshadturneddeadlypale。ThementionofDresdenhadthrownasuddenlightonthesituation。ItwasWilfridtheAttache，averysuperioryoungman，whorarelycamewithintheirsocialhorizon，whomtheyhadbeenentertainingunawaresinthesupposedcharacterofWilfridtheSnatcher。LadyErnestinePigeoncote，hismother，movedincircleswhichwereentirelybeyondtheircompassorambitions，andthesonwouldprobablyonedaybeanAmbassador。Andtheyhadrifledanddespoiledhisportmanteau！
Husbandandwifelookedblanklyanddesperatelyatoneanother。ItwasMrs。Peterwhoarrivedfirstataninspiration。
"Howdreadfultothinktherearethievesinthehouse！Wekeepthedrawing-roomlockedupatnight，ofcourse，butanythingmightbecarriedoffwhileweareatbreakfast。"
Sheroseandwentouthurriedly，asthoughtoassureherselfthatthedrawing-roomwasnotbeingstrippedofitssilverware，andreturnedamomentlater，bearingacreamjuginherhands。
"Thereareeightcreamjugsnow，insteadofseven，"shecried；"thisonewasn"ttherebefore。Whatacurioustrickofmemory，Mr。
Wilfrid！Youmusthaveslippeddownstairswithitlastnightandputittherebeforewelockedup，andforgottenallabouthavingdoneitinthemorning。"
"One"smindoftenplaysonelittletrickslikethat，"saidMr。
Peter，withdesperateheartiness。"OnlytheotherdayIwentintothetowntopayabill，andwentinagainnextday，havingcleanforgottenthatI"d——"
"ItiscertainlythejugIboughtforyou，"saidWilfrid，lookingcloselyatit；"itwasinmyportmanteauwhenIgotmybath-robeoutthismorning，beforegoingtomybath，anditwasnottherewhenI
unlockedtheportmanteauonmyreturn。SomeonehadtakenitwhileIwasawayfromtheroom。"
ThePigeoncoteshadturnedpalerthanever。Mrs。Peterhadafinalinspiration。
"Getmemysmelling-salts，dear，"shesaidtoherhusband；"Ithinkthey"reinthedressing-room。"
Peterdashedoutoftheroomwithgladrelief；hehadlivedsolongduringthelastfewminutesthatagoldenweddingseemedwithinmeasurabledistance。
Mrs。Peterturnedtoherguestwithconfidentialcoyness。
"Adiplomatlikeyouwillknowhowtotreatthisasifithadn"thappened。Peter"slittleweakness；itrunsinthefamily。"
"GoodLord！Doyoumeantosayhe"sakleptomaniac，likeCousinSnatcher？"
"Oh，notexactly，"saidMrs。Peter，anxioustowhitewashherhusbandalittlegreyerthanshewaspaintinghim。"Hewouldnevertouchanythinghefoundlyingabout，buthecan"tresistmakingaraidonthingsthatarelockedup。Thedoctorshaveaspecialnameforit。
Hemusthavepouncedonyourportmanteauthemomentyouwenttoyourbath，andtakenthefirstthinghecameacross。Ofcourse，hehadnomotivefortakingacreamjug；we"vealreadygotseven，asyouknow——not，ofcourse，thatwedon"tvaluethekindofgiftyouandyourmother——hushhere"sPetercoming。"
Mrs。Peterbrokeoffinsomeconfusion，andtrippedouttomeetherhusbandinthehall。
"It"sallright，"shewhisperedtohim；"I"veexplainedeverything。
Don"tsayanythingmoreaboutit。"
"Bravelittlewoman，"saidPeter，withagaspofrelief；"Icouldneverhavedoneit。"
***
Diplomaticreticencedoesnotnecessarilyextendtofamilyaffairs。
PeterPigeoncotewasneverabletounderstandwhyMrs。ConsuelovanBullyon，whostayedwiththeminthespring，alwayscarriedtwoveryobviousjewel-caseswithhertothebath-room，explainingthemtoanyoneshechancedtomeetinthecorridorashermanicureandface-massageset。
THEOCCASIONALGARDEN
"Don"ttalktomeabouttowngardens，"saidElinorRapsley；"whichmeans，ofcourse，thatIwantyoutolistentomeforanhourorsowhileItalkaboutnothingelse。"Whatanice-sizedgardenyou"vegot，"peoplesaidtouswhenwefirstmovedhere。WhatIsupposetheymeanttosaywaswhatanice-sizedsiteforagardenwe"dgot。
Asamatteroffact，thesizeisallagainstit；it"stoolargetobeignoredaltogetherandtreatedasayard，andit"stoosmalltokeepgiraffesin。Yousee，ifwecouldkeepgiraffesorreindeerorsomeotherspeciesofbrowsinganimaltherewecouldexplainthegeneralabsenceofvegetationbyareferencetothefaunaofthegarden："Youcan"thavewapitiANDDarwintulips，youknow，sowedidn"tputdownanybulbslastyear。"Asitis，wehaven"tgotthewapiti，andtheDarwintulipshaven"tsurvivedthefactthatmostofthecatsoftheneighbourhoodholdaparliamentinthecentreofthetulipbed；thatratherforlornlookingstripthatweintendedtobeaborderofalternatinggeraniumandspiraeahasbeenutilisedbythecat-parliamentasadivisionlobby。Snapdivisionsseemtohavebeenratherfrequentoflate，farmorefrequentthanthegeraniumbloomsarelikelytobe。Ishouldn"tobjectsomuchtoordinarycats，butIdocomplainofhavingacongressofvegetariancatsinmygarden；theymustbevegetarians，mydear，because，whateverravagestheymaycommitamongthesweetpeaseedlings，theyneverseemtotouchthesparrows；therearealwaysjustasmanyadultsparrowsinthegardenonSaturdayastherewereonMonday，nottomentionnewly-fledgedadditions。ThereseemstohavebeenanirreconcilabledifferenceofopinionbetweensparrowsandProvidencesincethebeginningoftimeastowhetheracrocuslooksbeststandinguprightwithitsrootsintheearthorinarecumbentposturewithitsstemneatlysevered；thesparrowsalwayshavethelastwordinthematter，atleastinourgardentheydo。IfancythatProvidencemusthaveoriginallyintendedtobringinanamendingAct，orwhateverit"scalled，providingeitherforalessdestructivesparroworamoreindestructiblecrocus。Theoneconsolingpointaboutourgardenisthatit"snotvisiblefromthedrawing-roomorthesmoking-room，sounlesspeoplearedinningorlunchingwithustheycan"tspyoutthenakednessoftheland。ThatiswhyIamsofuriouswithGwendaPottingdon，whohaspracticallyforcedherselfonmeforlunchonWednesdaynext；sheheardmeofferthePaulcotegirllunchifshewasupshoppingonthatday，and，ofcourse，sheaskedifshemightcometoo。Sheisonlycomingtogloatovermybedraggledandflowerlessbordersandtosingthepraisesofherowndetestablyover-cultivatedgarden。I"msickofbeingtoldthatit"stheenvyoftheneighbourhood；it"slikeeverythingelsethatbelongstoher——hercar，herdinner-parties，evenherheadaches，theyareallsuperlative；nooneelseeverhadanythinglikethem。Whenhereldestchildwasconfirmeditwassuchasensationalevent，accordingtoheraccountofit，thatonealmostexpectedquestionstobeaskedaboutitintheHouseofCommons，andnowshe"scomingonpurposetostareatmyfewmiserablepansiesandthegapsinmysweet-peaborder，andtogivemeaglowing，full-
lengthdescriptionoftherareandsumptuousbloomsinherrose-
garden。"
"MydearElinor，"saidtheBaroness，"youwouldsaveyourselfallthisheart-burningandalotofgardener"sbills，nottomentionsparrowanxieties，simplybypayinganannualsubscriptiontotheO。O。S。A。"
"Neverheardofit，"saidElinor；"whatisit？"
"TheOccasional-OasisSupplyAssociation，"saidtheBaroness；"itexiststomeetcasesexactlylikeyours，casesofbackyardsthatareofnopracticaluseforgardeningpurposes，butarerequiredtoblossomintodecorativescenicbackgroundsatstatedintervals，whenaluncheonordinner-partyiscontemplated。Supposing，forinstance，youhavepeoplecomingtolunchatone-thirty；youjustringuptheAssociationataboutteno"clockthesamemorning，andsay"lunchgarden"。Thatisallthetroubleyouhavetotake。Bytwelveforty-fiveyouryardiscarpetedwithastripofvelvetyturf，withahedgeoflilacorredmay，orwhateverhappenstobeinseason，asabackground，oneortwocherrytreesinblossom，andclumpsofheavily-floweredrhododendronsfillingintheoddcorners；
intheforegroundyouhaveablazeofcarnationsorShirleypoppies，ortigerliliesinfullbloom。Assoonasthelunchisoverandyourguestshavedepartedthegardendepartsalso，andallthecatsinChristendomcansitincouncilinyouryardwithoutcausingyouamoment"sanxiety。Ifyouhaveabishoporanantiquaryorsomethingofthatsortcomingtolunchyoujustmentionthefactwhenyouareorderingthegarden，andyougetanold-worldpleasaunce，withclippedyewhedgesandasun-dialandhollyhocks，andperhapsamulberrytree，andbordersofsweet-williamsandCanterburybells，andanold-fashionedbeehiveortwotuckedawayinacorner。ThosearetheordinarylinesofsupplythattheOasisAssociationundertakes，butbypayingafewguineasayearextrayouareentitledtoitsemergencyE。O。N。service。"
"WhatonearthisanE。O。N。service？"
"It"sjustaconventionalsignaltoindicatespecialcasesliketheincursionofGwendaPottingdon。Itmeansyou"vegotsomeonecomingtolunchordinnerwhosegardenisallegedtobe"theenvyoftheneighbourhood。""
"Yes，"exclaimedElinor，withsomeexcitement，"andwhathappensthen？"
"SomethingthatsoundslikeamiracleoutoftheArabianNights。
Yourbackyardbecomesvoluptuouswithpomegranateandalmondtrees，lemongroves，andhedgesoffloweringcactus，dazzlingbanksofazaleas，marble-basinedfountains，inwhichchestnut-and-whitepond-
heronsstepdaintilyamidexoticwater-lilies，whilegoldenpheasantsstrutaboutonalabasterterraces。ThewholeeffectrathersuggeststheideathatProvidenceandNormanWilkinsonhavedroppedmutualjealousiesandcollaboratedtoproduceabackgroundforanopen-airRussianBallet；inpointoffact，itismerelythebackgroundtoyourluncheonparty。IfthereisanykickleftinGwendaPottingdon，orwhoeveryourE。O。N。guestofthemomentmaybe，justmentioncarelesslythatyourclimbingputellaistheonlyoneinEngland，sincetheoneatChatsworthdiedlastwinter。Thereisn"tsuchathingasaclimbingputella，butGwendaPottingdonandherkinddon"tusuallyknowoneflowerfromanotherwithoutprompting。"
"Quick，"saidElinor，"theaddressoftheAssociation。"
GwendaPottingdondidnotenjoyherlunch。Itwasasimpleyetelegantmeal，excellentlycookedanddaintilyserved，butthepiquantsauceofherownconversationwasnotablylacking。Shehadpreparedalongsuccessionofeulogisticcommentsonthewondersofhertowngarden，withitsunrivalledeffectsofhorticulturalmagnificence，and，behold，herthemewasshutinoneverysidebytheluxurianthedgeofSiberianberberisthatformedaglowingbackgroundtoElinor"sbewilderingfragmentoffairyland。Thepomegranateandlemontrees，theterracedfountain，wheregoldencarpslitheredandwriggledamidtherootsofgorgeous-huedirises，thebankedmassesofexoticblooms，thepagoda-likeenclosure，whereJapanesesand-badgersdisportedthemselves，allthesecontributedtotakeawayGwenda"sappetiteandmoderateherdesiretotalkaboutgardeningmatters。
"Ican"tsayIadmiretheclimbingputella，"sheobservedshortly，"andanywayit"snottheonlyoneofitskindinEngland；IhappentoknowofoneinHampshire。Howgardeningisgoingoutoffashion；
Isupposepeoplehaven"tthetimeforitnowadays。"
AltogetheritwasquiteoneofElinor"smostsuccessfulluncheonparties。
ItwasdistinctlyanunforeseencatastrophethatGwendashouldhaveburstinonthehouseholdfourdayslateratlunch-timeandmadeherwayunbiddenintothedining-room。
"IthoughtImusttellyouthatmyElainehashadawater-coloursketchacceptedbytheLatentTalentArtGuild；it"stobeexhibitedattheirsummerexhibitionattheHackneyGallery。Itwillbethesensationofthemomentintheartworld——Hullo，whatonearthhashappenedtoyourgarden？It"snotthere！"
"Suffragettes，"saidElinorpromptly；"didn"tyouhearaboutit？
Theybrokeinandmadehayofthewholethinginabouttenminutes。
Iwassoheart-brokenatthehavocthatIhadthewholeplaceclearedout；Ishallhaveitlaidoutagainonrathermoreelaboratelines。"
"That，"shesaidtotheBaronessafterwards"iswhatIcallhavinganemergencybrain。"
THESHEEP
Theenemyhaddeclared"notrumps。"Rupertplayedouthisaceandkingofclubsandclearedtheadversaryofthatsuit；thentheSheep，whomtheFateshadinflictedonhimforapartner，tookthethirdroundwiththequeenofclubs，and，havingnootherclubtoleadback，openedanothersuit。Theenemywontheremainderofthetricks——andtherubber。
"Ihadfourmoreclubstoplay；weonlywantedtheoddtricktowintherubber，"saidRupert。
"ButIhadn"tanotherclubtoleadyou，"exclaimedtheSheep，withhisready，defensivesmile。
"Itdidn"toccurtoyoutothrowyourqueenawayonmykingandleavemewiththecommandofthesuit，"saidRupert，withpolitebitterness。
"IsupposeIoughttohave——Iwasn"tcertainwhattodo。I"mawfullysorry，"saidtheSheep。
Beingawfullyanduselesslysorryformedalargepartofhisoccupationinlife。Ifasimilarsituationhadariseninasubsequenthandhewouldhaveblunderedjustascertainly，andhewouldhavebeenjustasirritatinglyapologetic。
Rupertstaredgloomilyacrossathimashesatsmilingandfumblingwithhiscards。Manymenwhohavegoodbrainsforbusinessdonotpossesstherudimentsofacard-brain，andRupertwouldnothavejudgedandcondemnedhisprospectivebrother-in-lawontheevidenceofhisbridgeplayalone。Thetragicpartofitwasthathesmiledandfumbledthroughlifejustasfatuouslyandapologeticallyashedidatthecard-table。Andbehindthedefensivesmileandthewell-
wornexpressionsofregretthereshoneascarcelybelievablebutquiteobviousself-satisfaction。Everysheepofthepastureprobablyimaginesthatinanemergencyitcouldbecometerribleasanarmywithbanners——onehasonlytowatchhowtheystamptheirfeetandstiffentheirneckswhenaminorobjectofsuspicioncomesintoviewandbehavesmeekly。Andprobablythemajorityofhumansheepseethemselvesinimaginationtakinggreatpartsintheworld"smoreimpressivedramas，formingswift，unerringdecisionsinmomentsofcrisis，cowingmutinies，allayingpanics，brave，strong，simple，but，inspiteoftheirnaturalmodesty，alwaysslightlyspectacular。
"WhyinthenameofallthatisunnecessaryandperverseshouldKathleenchoosethismanforherfuturehusband？"wasthequestionthatRupertaskedhimselfruefully。TherewasyoungMalcolmAthling，asnice-looking，decent，level-headedafellowasanyonecouldwishtomeet，obviouslyherverydevotedadmirer，andyetshemustthrowherselfawayonthispale-eyed，weak-mouthedembodimentofself-approvingineptitude。IfithadbeenmerelyKathleen"sownaffairRupertwouldhaveshruggedhisshouldersandphilosophicallyhopedthatshemightmakethebestofanundeniablybadbargain。
ButRuperthadnoheir；hisownboylayundergroundsomewhereontheIndianfrontier，ingoodlycompany。AndthepropertywouldpassinduecursetoKathleenandKathleen"shusband。TheSheepwouldlivethereinthebelovedoldhome，rearingupotherlittleSheep，fatuousandrabbit-facedandself-satisfiedlikehimself，todwellinthelandandpossessit。Itwasnotasoothingprospect。
TowardsduskontheafternoonfollowingthebridgeexperienceRupertandtheSheepmadetheirwayhomewardafteraday"smixedshooting。
TheSheep"scartridgebagwasnearlyempty，buthisgamebagshowednosignsofover-crowding。Thebirdshehadshotathadseemedforthemostpartasimpervioustodeathordamageastheheroofamelodrama。Andforeachfailuretodrophisbirdhehadsomeexplanationorapologyreadyonhislips。Nowhewasstridingalonginfrontofhishost，chatteringhappilyoverhisshoulder，butobviouslyonthelook-outforsomebelatedrabbitorwoodpigeonthatmighthaplybesecuredasaneleventh-houradditiontohisbag。Astheypassedtheedgeofasmallcopsealargebirdrosefromthegroundandflewslowlytowardsthetrees，offeringaneasyshottotheoncomingsportsmen。TheSheepbangedforthwithbothbarrels，andgaveanexultantcry。
"Horray！I"veshotathunderingbighawk！"
"Tobeexact，you"veshotahoney-buzzard。Thatisthehenbirdofoneofthefewpairsofhoney-buzzardsbreedingintheUnitedKingdom。We"vekeptthemunderthestrictestpreservationforthelastfouryears；everygame-keeperandvillagegunloaferfortwentymilesroundhasbeenwarnedandbribedandthreatenedtorespecttheirsanctity，andegg-snatchingagentshavebeencarefullyguardedagainstduringthebreedingseason。Hundredsofloversofrarebirdshavedelightedinseeingtheirsnap-shottedportraitsinCountryLife，andnowyou"vereducedthehenbirdtoalumpofbrokenfeathers。"
Rupertspokequietlyandevenly，butforamomentortwoagleamofpositivehatredshoneinhiseyes。
"Isay，I"msosorry，"saidtheSheep，withhisapologeticsmile。
"OfcourseIrememberhearingaboutthebuzzards，butsomehowI
didn"tconnectthisbirdwiththem。Anditwassuchaneastshot——"
"Yes，"saidRupert；"thatwasthetrouble。"
Kathleenfoundhiminthegun-roomsmoothingoutthefeathersofthedeadbird。Shehadalreadybeentoldofthecatastrophe。
"Whatahorridmisfortune，"shesaidsympathetically。
"ItwasmydearRobbiewhofirstdiscoveredthem，thelasttimehewashomeonleave。Don"tyourememberhowexcitedhewasaboutthem？Let"sgoandhavesometea。"
Bothbridgeandshootingweregivenarestforthenexttwoorthreeweeks。Death，whoentersintonocompactswithpartywhips，hadforcedaParliamentaryvacancyontheneighbourhoodattheleastconvenientseason，andthelocalpartisansoneithersidefoundthemselvesimmersedinthediscomfortsofamid-winterelection。
Ruperttookhispoliticsseriouslyandkeenly。Hebelongedtothattypeofstrangelybutratherhappilyconstitutedindividualswhichtheseislandsseemtoproduceinafairplenty；menandwomenwhofornopersonalprofitorgaingoforthfromtheircomfortablefiresidesorclubcard-roomstohunttoandfrointhemudandrainandwindforthecaptureortrackingofastrayvotehereandthereontheirparty"sbehalf——notbecausetheythinktheyoughtto，butbecausetheywantto。Andhisenergieswerewelcomeenoughonthisoccasion，fortheseatwasacloselydisputedpossession，anditslossorretentionwouldcountformuchinthepresentpositionoftheParliamentarygame。WithKathleentohelphim，hehadworkedhiscorneroftheconstituencywithtireless，well-directedzeal，takinghisshareofthedullroutineworkaswellasofthelivelierepisodes。Thetalkingpartofthecampaignwoundupontheeveofthepollwithameetinginacentrewheremoreundecidedvotesweresupposedtobeconcentratedthananywhereelseinthedivision。A
goodfinalmeetingherewouldmeaneverything。Andthespeakers，localandimported，leftnothingundonetoimprovetheoccasion。
Rupertwasdownfortheunimportanttaskofmovingthecomplimentaryvotetothechairmanwhichshouldclosetheproceedings。
"I"msohoarse，"heprotested，whenthemomentarrived；"Idon"tbelieveIcanmakemyvoiceheardbeyondtheplatform。"
"Letmedoit，"saidtheSheep；"I"mrathergoodatthatsortofthing。"
Thechairmanwaspopularwithallparties，andtheSheep"sopeningwordsofcomplimentaryrecognitionreceivedaroundofapplause。
Theoratorsmiledexpansivelyonhislistenersandseizedtheopportunitytoaddafewwordsofpoliticalwisdomonhisownaccount。Peoplelookedattheclockorbegantogropeforumbrellasanddiscardedneckwraps。Then，inthemidstofastringofmeaninglessplatitudes，theSheepdeliveredhimselfofoneofthoseblunderingremarkswhichtravelfromoneendofaconstituencytotheotherinhalfanhour，andareseizedonbytheothersideasbeingmorepotentontheirbehalfthanatonofelectionliterature。
Therewasageneralshufflingandmutteringacrossthelengthandbreadthofthehall，andafewhissesmadethemselvesheard。TheSheeptriedtowhittledownhisremark，andthechairmanunhesitatinglythrewhimoverinhisspeechofthanks，butthedamagewasdone。
"I"mafraidIlosttouchwiththeaudienceratheroverthatremark，"
saidtheSheepafterwards，withhisapologeticsmileabnormallydeveloped。
"Youlostustheelection，"saidthechairman，andheprovedatrueprophet。
Amonthorsoofwintersportseemedadesirablepick-me-upafterthestrenuousworkandcrowningdiscomfitureoftheelection。
RupertandKathleenhiedthemawaytoasmallAlpineresortthatwasjustcomingintoprominence，andthithertheSheepfollowedtheminduecourse，inhisroleofhusband-elect。TheweddinghadbeenfixedfortheendofMarch。
Itwasawinterofearlyandunseasonablethaws，andthefarendofthelocallake，ataspotwhereswiftcurrentsflowedintoit，wasdecoratedwithnotices，writteninthreelanguages，warningskatersnottoventureovercertainunsafepatches。ThefollyofapproachingtoonearthesedangerspotsseemedtohaveanaturalfascinationfortheSheep。
"Idon"tseewhatpossibledangertherecanbe，"heprotested，withhisinevitablesmile，whenRupertbeckonedhimawayfromtheproscribedarea；"themilkthatIputoutonmywindow-silllastnightwasfrozenaninchdeep。"
"Ithadn"tgotastrongcurrentflowingthroughit，"saidRupert；
"inanycase，thereisnotmuchsenseinhoveringroundadoubtfulpieceoficewhenthereareacresofgoodicetoskateover。Thesecretaryoftheice-committeehaswarnedyouoncealready。"
AfewminuteslaterRupertheardaloudsquealoffear，andsawadarkspotblottingthesmoothnessofthelake"sfrozensurface。TheSheepwasstrugglinghelplesslyinanice-holeofhisownmaking。
Rupertgaveoneloudcurse，andthendashedfulltiltfortheshore；
outsidealowstablebuildingonthelake"sedgeherememberedhavingseenaladder。Ifhecouldslideitacrosstheice-holebeforetheSheepwentundertherescuewouldbecomparativelysimplework。Otherskatersweredashingupfromadistance，and，withtheladder"shelp，theycouldgethimoutofhisdeath-trapwithouthavingtotrustthemselvesonthemarginofrottenice。Rupertsprangontothesurfaceoflumpy，frozensnow，andstaggeredtowheretheladderlay。Hehadalreadylifteditwhentherattleofachainandafuriousoutburstofgrowlsburstonhishearing，andhewasdashedtothegroundbyamassofwhiteandtawnyfur。Asturdyyoungyard-dog，franticwiththepleasureofperforminghisfirstpieceofacticeguardianservice，wasrampingandsnarlingoverhim，renderingthetaskofregaininghisfeetorsecuringtheladderamatterofconsiderabledifficulty。Whenhehadatlastsucceededinbotheffortshewasjustbyahair"s-breadthtoolatetobeofanyuse。TheSheephaddefinitelydisappearedundertheice-rift。
KathleenAthlingandherhusbandstaythegreaterpartoftheyearwithRupert，andasmallRobbiestandsinsomedangerofbeingidolisedbyadevoteduncle。ButfortwelvemonthsoftheyearRupert"smostinseparableandvaluedcompanionisasturdytawnyandwhiteyard-dog。
THEOVERSIGHT
"It"slikeaChinesepuzzle，"saidLadyProwcheresentfully，staringatascribbledlistofnamesthatspreadovertwoorthreeloosesheetsofnotepaperonherwriting-table。Mostofthenameshadapencilmarkrunningthroughthem。
"WhatislikeaChinesepuzzle？"askedLenaLuddlefordbriskly；sheratherpridedherselfonbeingabletograpplewiththeminorproblemsoflife。
"Gettingpeoplesuitablysortedtogether。SirRichardlikesmetohaveahousepartyaboutthistimeofyear，andgivesmeafreehandastowhomIshouldinvite；allheasksisthatitshouldbeapeaceableparty，withnofrictionorunpleasantness。"
"Thatseemsreasonableenough，"saidLena。
"Notonlyreasonable，mydear，butnecessary。SirRichardhashisliteraryworktothinkof；youcan"texpectamantoconcentrateonthetribaldisputesofCentralAsianclansmenwhenhe"sgotsocialfeudsblazingunderhisownroof。"
"Butwhyshouldtheyblaze？Whyshouldtherebefeudsatallwithinthecompassofahouseparty？"
"Exactly；whyshouldtheyblazeorwhyshouldtheyexist？"echoedLadyProwche；"thepointisthattheyalwaysdo。Wehavebeenunlucky；persistentlyunlucky，nowthatIcometolookbackonthings。Wehavealwaysgotpeopleofviolentlyopposedviewsunderoneroof，andtheresulthasbeennotmerelyunpleasantnessbutexplosion。"
"Doyoumeanpeoplewhodisagreeonmattersofpoliticalopinionandreligiousviews？"askedLena。