第5章

Take，forinstance，oneofthemostdramaticreformsthathasbeencarriedthroughParliamentinthelifetimeofthisgeneration。Ithappenedshortlyafterthecoalstrike，ofunblessedmemory。Toyou，whohavebeenplungeduptotheneckineventsofamoretangledandtumbleddescription，thethingsIamgoingtotellyouofmayseemofsecondaryinterest，butafterallwehadtoliveinthemidstofthem。"

SirLulworthinterruptedhimselfforamomenttosayafewkindwordstotheliqueurbrandyhehadjusttasted，andthemresumedhisnarrative。

"Whetheronesympathiseswiththeagitationforfemalesuffrageornotonehastoadmitthatitspromotersshowedtirelessenergyandconsiderableenterpriseindevisingandputtingintoactionnewmethodsforaccomplishingtheirends。Asaruletheywereanuisanceandawearinesstotheflesh，butthereweretimeswhentheyvergedonthepicturesque。TherewasthefamousoccasionwhentheyenlivenedanddiversifiedthecustomarypageantryoftheRoyalprogresstoopenParliamentbylettingloosethousandsofparrots，whichhadbeencarefullytrainedtoscream"Votesforwomen，"andwhichcircledroundhisMajesty"scoachinaclamorouscloudofgreen，andgreyandscarlet。Itwasreallyratherastrikingepisodefromthespectacularpointofview；unfortunately，however，foritsdevisers，thesecretoftheirintentionshadnotbeenwellkept，andtheiropponentsletlooseatthesamemomentarivalswarmofparrots，whichscreeched"IDON"Tthink"andotherhostilecries，therebyrobbingthedemonstrationoftheunanimitywhichalonecouldhavemadeitpoliticallyimpressive。IntheprocessofrecapturethebirdslearnedaquantityofadditionallanguagewhichunfittedthemforfurtherserviceintheSuffragettecause；someofthegreenonesweresecuredbyardentHomeRulepropagandistsandtrainedtodisturbtheserenityofOrangemeetingsbypessimisticreflectionsonSirEdwardCarson"sdestinationinthelifetocome。Infact，thebirdinpoliticsisafactorthatseemstohavecometostay；

quiterecently，atapoliticalgatheringheldinadimly-lightedplaceofworship，thecongregationgavearespectfulhearingfornearlytenminutestoajackdawfromWapping，undertheimpressionthattheywerelisteningtotheChancelloroftheExchequer，whowaslateinarriving。"

"ButtheSuffragettes，"interruptedthenephew；"whatdidtheydonext？"

"Afterthebirdfiasco，"saidSirLulworth，"themilitantsectionmadeademonstrationofamoreaggressivenature；theyassembledinforceontheopeningdayoftheRoyalAcademyExhibitionanddestroyedsomethreeorfourhundredofthepictures。Thisprovedanevenworsefailurethantheparrotbusiness；everyoneagreedthattherewasalwaysfartoomanypicturesintheAcademyExhibition，andthedrasticweedingoutofafewhundredcanvaseswasregardedasapositiveimprovement。Moreover，fromtheartists"

pointofviewitwasrealisedthattheoutrageconstitutedasortofcompensationforthosewhoseworkswerepersistently"skied"，sinceoutofsightmeantalsooutofreach。AltogetheritwasoneofthemostsuccessfulandpopularexhibitionsthattheAcademyhadheldformanyyears。Thenthefairagitatorsfellbackonsomeoftheirearliermethods；theywrotesweetlyargumentativeplaystoprovethattheyoughttohavethevote，theysmashedwindowstoshowthattheymusthavethevote，andtheykickedCabinetMinisterstodemonstratethatthey"dbetterhavethevote，andstillthecoldlyreasonedorunreasonedreplywasthatthey"dbetternot。TheirplightmighthavebeensummedupinaperversionofGilbert"slines-

"Twentyvotelessmillionswe，Votelessallagainstourwill，TwentyyearshenceweshallbeTwentyvotelessmillionsstill。"

Andofcoursethegreatideafortheirmaster-strokeofstrategycamefromamasculinesource。LenaDubarri，whowasthecaptain-

generaloftheirthinkingdepartment，metWaldoOrpingtonintheMalloneafternoon，justatatimewhenthefortunesoftheCausewereattheirlowestebb。WaldoOrpingtonisafrivolouslittlefoolwhochirrupsatdrawing-roomconcertsandcanrecognisebitsfromdifferentcomposerswithoutreferringtotheprogramme，butallthesameheoccasionallyhasideas。Hedidn"tcareatwopennyfiddlestringabouttheCause，butheratherenjoyedtheideaofhavinghisfingerinthepoliticalpie。Alsoitispossible，thoughIshouldthinkhighlyimprobable，thatheadmiredLenaDubarri。

Anyhow，whenLenagavearathergloomyaccountoftheexistingstateofthingsintheSuffragetteWorld，Waldowasnotmerelysympatheticbutreadywithapracticalsuggestion。TurninghisgazewestwardalongtheMall，towardsthesettingsunandBuckinghamPalace，hewassilentforamoment，andthensaidsignificantly，"Youhaveexpendedyourenergiesandenterpriseonlaboursofdestruction；whyhasitneveroccurredtoyoutoattemptsomethingfarmoreterrific？"

""Whatdoyoumean？"sheaskedhimeagerly。

""Create。"

""Doyoumeancreatedisturbances？We"vebeendoingnothingelseformonths，"shesaid。

"Waldoshookhishead，andcontinuedtolookwestwardalongtheMall。He"srathergoodatactinginanamateursortoffashion。

Lenafollowedhisgaze，andthenturnedtohimwithapuzzledlookofinquiry。

""Exactly，"saidWaldo，inanswertoherlook。

""But——howcanwecreate？"sheasked；"it"sbeendonealready。"

""DoitAGAIN，"saidWaldo，"andagainandagain——"

"Beforehecouldfinishthesentenceshehadkissedhim。Shedeclaredafterwardsthathewasthefirstmanshehadeverkissed，andhedeclaredthatshewasthefirstwomanwhohadeverkissedhimintheMall，sotheybothsecuredarecordofakind。

"WithinthenextdayortwoanewdeparturewasnoticeableinSuffragettetactics。TheygaveupworryingMinistersandParliamentandtooktoworryingtheirownsympathisersandsupporters——forfunds。Theballot-boxwastemporarilyforgotteninthecultofthecollecting-box。Thedaughtersofthehorseleechwerenotmorepersistentintheirdemands，thefinanciersofthetotteringancienregimewerenotmoredesperateintheirexpedientsforraisingmoneythantheSuffragistworkersofallsectionsatthisjuncture，andinonewayandanother，byfairmeansandnormal，theyreallygottogetheraveryusefulsum。Whattheyweregoingtodowithitnooneseemedtoknow，noteventhosewhoweremostactiveincollectingwork。Thesecretonthisoccasionhadbeenwellkept。

Certaintransactionsthatleakedoutfromtimetotimeonlyaddedtothemysteryofthesituation。

""Don"tyoulongtoknowwhatwearegoingtodowithourtreasurehoard？"LenaaskedthePrimeMinisteronedaywhenshehappenedtositnexttohimatawhistdriveattheChineseEmbassy。

""Iwashopingyouweregoingtotryalittlepersonalbribery，"herespondedbanteringly，butsomegenuineanxietyandcuriositylaybehindthelightnessofhischaff；"ofcourseIknow，"headded，"thatyouhavebeenbuyingupbuildingsitesincommandingsituationsinandaroundtheMetropolis。Twoorthree，I"mtold，areontheroadtoBrighton，andanothernearAscot。Youdon"tmeantofortifythem，doyou？"

""Somethingmoreinsidiousthanthat，"shesaid；"youcouldpreventusfrombuildingforts；youcan"tpreventusfromerectinganexactreplicaoftheVictoriaMemorialoneachofthosesites。They"reallprivateproperty，withnobuildingrestrictionsattached。"

""Whichmemorial？"heasked；"nottheoneinfrontofBuckinghamPalace？Surelynotthatone？"

""Thatone，"shesaid。

""Mydearlady，"hecried，"youcan"tbeserious。Itisabeautifulandimposingworkofart——atanyrateoneisgettingaccustomedtoit，andevenifonedoesn"thappentoadmireitonecanalwayslookinanotherdirection。Butimaginewhatlifewouldbelikeifonesawthaterectionconfrontingonewhereveronewent。Imaginetheeffectonpeoplewithtired，harassednerveswhosawitthreetimesonthewaytoBrightonandthreetimesonthewayback。ImagineseeingitdominatethelandscapeatAscot，andtryingtokeepyoureyeoffitontheSandwichgolflinks。Whathaveyourcountrymendonetodeservesuchathing？"

""Theyhaverefusedusthevote，"saidLenabitterly。

"ThePrimeMinisteralwaysdeclaredhimselfanopponentofanythingsavouringofpaniclegislation，buthebroughtaBillintoParliamentforthwithandsuccessfullyappealedtobothHousestopassitthroughallitsstageswithintheweek。Andthatishowwegotoneofthemostgloriousmeasuresofthecentury。"

"Ameasureconferringthevoteonwomen？"askedthenephew。

"Ohdear，no。AnActwhichmadeitapenaloffencetoerectcommemorativestatuaryanywherewithinthreemilesofapublichighway。"

EXCEPTINGMRS。PENTHERBY

ItwasReggieBruttle"sownideaforconvertingwhathadthreatenedtobeanalbinoelephantintoabeastofburdenthatshouldhelphimalongthestonyroadofhisfinances。"TheLimes，"whichhadcometohimbyinheritancewithoutanyaccompanyingprovisionforitsupkeep，wasoneofthosepretentious，unaccommodatingmansionswhichnonebutamanofwealthcouldaffordtolivein，andwhichnotonewealthymaninahundredwouldchooseonitsmerits。Itmighteasilylanguishintheestatemarketforyears，setroundwithnoticeboardsproclaimingit，intheeyesofascepticalworld，tobeaneminentlydesirableresidence。

Reggie"sschemewastoturnitintotheheadquartersofaprolongedcountry-houseparty，insessionduringthemonthsfromOctobertilltheendofMarch——apartyconsistingofyoungoryoungishpeopleofbothsexes，toopoortobeabletodomuchhuntingorshootingonaseriousscale，butkeenongettingtheirfillofgolf，bridge，dancing，andoccasionaltheatre-going。Noonewastobeonthefootingofapayingguest，buteveryonewastorankasapayinghost；acommitteewouldlookafterthecateringandexpenditure，andaninformalsub-committeewouldmakeitselfusefulinhelpingforwardtheamusementsideofthescheme。

Asitwasonlyanexperiment，therewastobeageneralagreementonthepartofthoseinvolvedinittobeaslenientandmutuallyhelpfultooneanotheraspossible。Alreadyapromisingnucleus，includingoneortwoyoungmarriedcouples，hadbeengottogether，andthethingseemedtobefairlylaunched。

"Withgoodmanagementandalittleunobtrusivehardwork，Ithinkthethingoughttobeasuccess，"saidReggie，andReggiewasoneofthosepeoplewhoarepainstakingfirstandoptimisticafterwards。

"Thereisonerockonwhichyouwillunfailinglycometogrief，manageyouneversowisely，"saidMajorDagberry，cheerfully；"thewomenwillquarrel。Mindyou，"continuedthisprophetofdisaster，"Idon"tsaythatsomeofthemenwon"tquarreltoo，probablytheywill；butthewomenareboundto。Youcan"tpreventit；it"sinthenatureofthesex。Thehandthatrocksthecradlerockstheworld，inavolcanicsense。Awomanwillendurediscomforts，andmakesacrifices，andgowithoutthingstoanheroicextent，buttheoneluxuryshewillnotgowithoutisherquarrels。Nomatterwhereshemaybe，orhowtransientherappearanceonascene，shewillinstalherfemininefeudsasassuredlyasaFrenchmanwouldconcoctsoupinthewasteoftheArcticregions。Atthecommencementofaseavoyage，beforethemaletravellerknowshalfadozenofhisfellowpassengersbysight，theaveragewomanwillhavestartedacoupleofenmities，andlaidinmaterialforoneortwomore——provided，ofcourse，thattherearesufficientwomenaboardtopermitquarrellingintheplural。Ifthere"snooneelseshewillquarrelwiththestewardess。Thisexperimentofyoursistorunforsixmonths；inlessthanfiveweekstherewillbewartotheknifedeclaringitselfinhalfadozendifferentdirections。"

"Oh，come，thereareonlyeightwomenintheparty；theywon"tpickquarrelsquitesosoonasthat，"protestedReggie。

"Theywon"talloriginatequarrels，perhaps，"concededtheMajor，"buttheywillalltakesides，andjustasChristmasisuponyou，withitsconventionsofpeaceandgoodwill，youwillfindyourselfinforaglacialepochofcold，unforgivinghostility，withanoccasionalEtnaflareofopenwarfare。Youcan"thelpit，oldboy；

but，atanyrate，youcan"tsayyouwerenotwarned。"

ThefirstfiveweeksoftheventurefalsifiedMajorDagberry"spredictionandjustifiedReggie"soptimism。Therewere，ofcourse，occasionalsmallbickerings，andtheexistenceofcertainjealousiesmightbedetectedbelowthesurfaceofeverydayintercourse；but，onthewhole，thewomenfolkgotonremarkablywelltogether。Therewas，however，anotableexception。IthadnottakenfiveweeksforMrs。Pentherbytogetherselfcordiallydislikedbythemembersofherownsex；fivedayshadbeenamplysufficient。Mostofthewomendeclaredthattheyhaddetestedherthemomenttheyseteyesonher；

butthatwasprobablyanafterthought。

Withthemenfolkshegotonwellenough，withoutbeingofthetypeofwomanwhocanonlybaskinmalesociety；neitherwasshelackinginthegeneralqualitieswhichmakeanindividualusefulanddesirableasamemberofaco-operativecommunity。Shedidnottryto"getthebetterof"herfellow-hostsbysnatchinglittleadvantagesorcleverlyevadingherjustcontributions；shewasnotinclinedtobeboringorsnobbishinthewayofpersonalreminiscence。Sheplayedafairgameofbridge，andhercard-roommannerswereirreproachable。Butwherevershecameincontactwithherownsexthelightofbattlekindledatonce；hertalentofarousinganimosityseemedtoborderonpositivegenius。

Whethertheobjectofherattentionswasthick-skinnedorsensitive，quick-temperedorgood-natured，Mrs。Pentherbymanagedtoachievethesameeffect。Sheexposedlittleweaknesses，sheproddedsoreplaces，shesnubbedenthusiasms，shewasgenerallyrightinamatterofargument，or，ifwrong，shesomehowcontrivedtomakeheradversaryappearfoolishandopinionated。Shedid，andsaid，horriblethingsinamatter-of-factinnocentway，andshedid，andsaid，matter-of-factinnocentthingsinahorribleway。Inshort，theunanimousfeminineverdictonherwasthatshewasobjectionable。

Therewasnoquestionoftakingsides，astheMajorhadanticipated；

infact，dislikeofMrs。Pentherbywasalmostabondofunionbetweentheotherwomen，andmorethanonethreateningdisagreementhadbeenrapidlydissipatedbyherobviousandmaliciousattemptstoinflameandextendit；andthemostirritatingthingaboutherwashersuccessfulassumptionofunruffledcomposureatmomentswhenthetempersofheradversarieswerewithdifficultykeptundercontrol。

ShemadehermostscathingremarksinthetoneofatubeconductorannouncingthatthenextstationisBromptonRoad——themeasured，listlesstoneofonewhoknowsheisright，butisutterlyindifferenttothefactthatheproclaims。

OnoneoccasionMrs。ValGwepton，whowasnotblessedwiththemostreposefuloftemperaments，fairlyletherselfgo，andgaveMrs。

Pentherbyavividandtruthfulresumeofheropinionofher。Theobjectofthisunpentstormofaccumulatedanimositywaitedpatientlyforalull，andthenremarkedquietlytotheangrylittlewoman-

"Andnow，mydearMrs。Gwepton，letmetellyousomethingthatI"vebeenwantingtosayforthelasttwoorthreeminutes，onlyyouwouldn"tgivenmeachance；you"vegotahairpindroppingoutontheleftside。Youthin-hairedwomenalwaysfinditdifficulttokeepyourhairpinsin。"

"Whatcanonedowithawomanlikethat？"Mrs。Valdemandedafterwardsofasympathisingaudience。

Ofcourse，Reggiereceivednumeroushintsastotheunpopularityofthisjarringpersonality。Hissister-in-lawopenlytackledhimonthesubjectofhermanyenormities。ReggielistenedwiththeattenuatedregretthatonebestowsonanearthquakedisasterinBoliviaoracropfailureinEasternTurkestan，eventswhichseemsodistantthatonecanalmostpersuadeoneselftheyhaven"thappened。

"Thatwomanhasgotsomeholdoverhim，"opinedhissister-in-law，darkly；"eithersheishelpinghimtofinancetheshow，andpresumesonthefact，orelse，whichHeavenforbid，he"sgotsomequeerinfatuationforher。Mendotakethemostextraordinaryfancies。"

Mattersnevercameexactlytoacrisis。Mrs。Pentherby，asasourceofpersonaloffence，spreadherselfoversowideanareathatnoonewomanofthepartyfeltimpelledtoriseupanddeclarethatsheabsolutelyrefusedtostayanotherweekinthesamehousewithher。

Whatiseverybody"stragedyisnobody"stragedy。Therewaseveracertainconsolationincomparingnotesastospecificactsofoffence。Reggie"ssister-in-lawhadtheaddedinterestoftryingtodiscoverthesecretbondwhichbluntedhiscondemnationofMrs。

Pentherby"slongcatalogueofmisdeeds。Therewaslittletogoonfromhismannertowardsherinpublic，butheremainedobstinatelyunimpressedbyanythingthatwassaidagainstherinprivate。

WiththeoneexceptionofMrs。Pentherby"sunpopularity，thehouse-

partyschemewasasuccessonitsfirsttrial，andtherewasnodifficultyaboutreconstructingitonthesamelinesforanotherwintersession。Itsohappenedthatmostofthewomenoftheparty，andtwoorthreeofthemen，wouldnotbeavailableonthisoccasion，butReggiehadlaidhisplanswellaheadandbookedplentyof"freshblood"forthedeparture。Itwouldbe，ifanything，ratheralargerpartythanbefore。

"I"msosorryIcan"tjointhiswinter，"saidReggie"ssister-in-

law，"butwemustgotoourcousinsinIreland；we"veputthemoffsooften。Whatashame！You"llhavenoneofthesamewomenthistime。"

"ExceptingMrs。Pentherby，"saidReggie，demurely。

"Mrs。Pentherby！SURELY，Reggie，you"renotgoingtobesoidioticastohavethatwomanagain！She"llsetallthewomen"sbacksupjustasshedidthistime。WhatISthismysteriousholdshe"sgooveryou？"

"She"sinvaluable，"saidReggie；"she"smyofficialquarreller。"

"Your——whatdidyousay？"gaspedhissister-in-law。

"Iintroducedherintothehouse-partyfortheexpresspurposeofconcentratingthefeudsandquarrellingthatwouldotherwisehavebrokenoutinalldirectionsamongthewomenkind。Ididn"tneedtheadviceandwarningofsundryfriendstoforeseethatweshouldn"tgetthroughsixmonthsofclosecompanionshipwithoutacertainamountofpeckingandsparring，soIthoughtthebestthingwastolocaliseandsteriliseitinoneprocess。Ofcourse，Imadeitwellworththelady"swhile，andasshedidn"tknowanyofyoufromAdam，andyoudon"tevenknowherrealname，shedidn"tmindgettingherselfdislikedinausefulcause。"

"Youmeantosayshewasintheknowallthetime？"

"Ofcourseshewas，andsowereoneortwoofthemen，soshewasabletohaveagoodlaughwithusbehindthesceneswhenshe"ddoneanythingparticularlyoutrageous。Andshereallyenjoyedherself。

Yousee，she"sinthepositionofpoorrelationinaratherpugnaciousfamily，andherlifehasbeenlargelyspentinsmoothingoverotherpeople"squarrels。Youcanimaginethewelcomereliefofbeingabletogoaboutsayinganddoingperfectlyexasperatingthingstoawholehousefulofwomen——andallinthecauseofpeace。"

"Ithinkyouarethemostodiouspersoninthewholeworld，"saidReggie"ssister-in-law。Whichwasnotstrictlytrue；morethananybody，morethanevershedislikedMrs。Pentherby。Itwasimpossibletocalculatehowmanyquarrelsthatwomanhaddoneheroutof。

MARK

AugustusMellowkentwasanovelistwithafuture；thatistosay，alimitedbutincreasingnumberofpeoplereadhisbooks，andthereseemedgoodreasontosupposethatifhesteadilycontinuedtoturnoutnovelsyearbyyearaprogressivelyincreasingcircleofreaderswouldacquiretheMellowkenthabit，anddemandhisworksfromthelibrariesandbookstalls。AttheinstigationofhispublisherhehaddiscardedthebaptismalAugustusandtakenthefrontnameofMark。

"Womenlikeanamethatsuggestssomeonestrongandsilent，ablebutunwillingtoanswerquestions。Augustusmerelysuggestsidlesplendour，butsuchanameasMarkMellowkent，besidesbeingalliterative，conjuresupavisionofsomeonestrongandbeautifulandgood，asortofblendofGeorgesCarpentierandtheReverendWhat"s-his-name。"

OnemorninginDecemberAugustussatinhiswriting-room，atworkonthethirdchapterofhiseighthnovel。Hehaddescribedatsomelength，forthebenefitofthosewhocouldnotimagineit，whatarectorygardenlookslikeinJuly；hewasnowengagedindescribingatgreaterlengththefeelingsofayounggirl，daughterofalonglineofrectorsandarchdeacons，whenshediscoversforthefirsttimethatthepostmanisattractive。

"Theireyesmet，forabriefmoment，ashehandedhertwocircularsandthefatwrapper-boundbulkoftheEastEssexNews。Theireyesmet，forthemerestfractionofasecond，yetnothingcouldeverbequitethesameagain。Costwhatitmightshefeltthatshemustspeak，mustbreaktheintolerable，unrealsilencethathadfallenonthem。"Howisyourmother"srheumatism？"shesaid。"

Theauthor"slabourswerecutshortbythesuddenintrusionofamaidservant。

"Agentlemantoseeyou，sir，"saidthemaid，handingacardwiththenameCaiaphasDwelfinscribedonit；"saysit"simportant。"

Mellowkenthesitatedandyielded；theimportanceofthevisitor"smissionwasprobablyillusory，buthehadnevermetanyonewiththenameCaiaphasbefore。Itwouldbeatleastanewexperience。

Mr。Dwelfwasamanofindefiniteage；hishigh，narrowforehead，coldgreyeyes，anddeterminedmannerbespokeanunflinchingpurpose。Hehadalargebookunderhisarm，andthereseemedeveryprobabilitythathehadleftapackageofsimilarvolumesinthehall。Hetookaseatbeforeithadbeenofferedhim，placedthebookonthetable，andbegantoaddressMellowkentinthemannerofan"openletter。"

"Youarealiteraryman，theauthorofseveralwell-knownbooks——"

"Iamengageonabookatthepresentmoment——ratherbusilyengaged，"saidMellowkent，pointedly。

"Exactly，"saidtheintruder；"timewithyouisacommodityofconsiderableimportance。Minutes，even，havetheirvalue。"

"Theyhave，"agreedMellowkent，lookingathiswatch。

"That，"saidCaiaphas，"iswhythisbookthatIamintroducingtoyournoticeisnotabookthatyoucanaffordtobewithout。"RightHere"isindispensableforthewritingman；itisnoordinaryencyclopaedia，orIshouldnottroubletoshowittoyou。Itisaninexhaustiblemineofconciseinformation——"

"Onashelfatmyelbow，"saidtheauthor，"IhavearowofreferencebooksthatsupplymewithalltheinformationIamlikelytorequire。"

"Here，"persistedthewould-besalesman，"youhaveitallinonecompactvolume。Nomatterwhatthesubjectmaybewhichyouwishtolookup，orthefactyoudesiretoverify，"RightHere"givesyouallthatyouwanttoknowinthebriefestandmostenlighteningform。Historicalreference，forinstance；careerofJohnHuss，letussay。Hereweare："Huss，John，celebratedreligiousreformer。

Born1369，burnedatConstance1415。TheEmperorSigismunduniversallyblamed。""

"IfhehadbeenburntinthesedayseveryonewouldhavesuspectedtheSuffragettes，"observedMellowkent。

"Poultry-keeping，now，"resumedCaiaphas，"that"sasubjectthatmightcropupinanoveldealingwithEnglishcountrylife。Herewehaveallaboutit："TheLeghornasegg-producer。LackofmaternalinstinctintheMinorca。Gapesinchickens，itscauseandcure。

Ducklingsfortheearlymarket，howfattened。"There，yousee，thereitallis，nothinglacking。"

"ExceptthematernalinstinctintheMinorca，andthatyoucouldhardlybeexpectedtosupply。"

"Sportingrecords，that"simportant，too；nowhowmanymen，sportingmeneven，aretherewhocansayoff-handwhathorsewontheDerbyinanyparticularyear？Nowit"sjustalittlethingofthatsort——"

"Mydearsir，"interruptedMellowkent，"thereareatleastfourmeninmyclubwhocannotonlytellmewhathorsewoninanygivenyear，butwhathorseoughttohavewonandwhyitdidn"t。Ifyourbookcouldsupplyamethodforprotectingonefrominformationofthatsortitwoulddomorethananythingyouhaveyetclaimedforit。"

"Geography，"saidCaiaphas，imperturbably；"that"sathingthatabusyman，writingathighpressure，mayeasilymakeaslipover。

Onlytheotherdayawell-knownauthormadetheVolgaflowintotheBlackSeainsteadoftheCaspian；now，withthisbook——"

"Onapolishedrose-woodstandbehindyoutherereposesareliableandup-to-dateatlas，"saidMellowkent；"andnowImustreallyaskyoutobegoing。"

"Anatlas，"saidCaiaphas，"givesmerelythechartoftheriver"scourse，andindicatestheprincipaltownsthatitpasses。NowRightHeregivesyouthescenery，traffic，ferry-boatcharges，theprevalenttypesoffish，boatmen"sslangterms，andhoursofsailingoftheprincipalriversteamers。Ifgivesyou——"

Mellowkentsatandwatchedthehard-featured，resolute，pitilesssalesman，ashesatdoggedlyinthechairwhereinhehadinstalledhimself，unflinchinglyextollingthemeritsofhisundesiredwares。

Aspiritofwistfulemulationtookpossessionoftheauthor；whycouldhenotliveuptothecoldsternnamehehadadopted？Whymusthesithereweaklyandlistentothisweary，unconvincingtirade，whycouldhenotbeMarkMellowkentforafewbriefmoments，andmeetthismanonlevelterms？

Asuddeninspirationflashedacrosshis。

"Haveyoureadmylastbook，TheCagelessLinnet？"heasked。

"Idon"treadnovels，"saidCaiaphastersely。

"Oh，butyououghttoreadthisone，everyoneoughtto，"exclaimedMellowkent，fishingthebookdownfromashelf；"publishedatsixshillings，youcanhaveitatfour-and-six。ThereisabitinchapterfivethatIfeelsureyouwouldlike，whereEmmaisaloneinthebirchcopsewaitingforHaroldHuntingdon——thatisthemanherfamilywanthertomarry。Shereallywantstomarryhim，too，butshedoesnotdiscoverthattillchapterfifteen。Listen："Farastheeyecouldstretchrolledthemauveandpurplebillowsofheather，lituphereandtherewiththeglowingyellowofgorseandbroom，andedgedroundwiththedelicategreysandsilverandgreenoftheyoungbirchtrees。Tinyblueandbrownbutterfliesflutteredabovethefrondsofheather，revellinginthesunlight，andoverheadthelarksweresingingasonlylarkscansing。ItwasadaywhenallNature——"

"In"RightHere"youhavefullinformationonallbranchesofNaturestudy，"brokeinthebookagent，withatirednotesoundinginhisvoiceforthefirsttime；"forestry，insectlife，birdmigration，reclamationofwastelands。AsIwassaying，nomanwhohastodealwiththevariedinterestsoflife——"

"Iwonderifyouwouldcareforoneofmyearlierbooks，TheReluctanceofLadyCullumpton，"saidMellowkent，huntingagainthroughthebookshelf；"somepeopleconsideritmybestnovel。Ah，hereitis。Iseethereareoneortwospotsonthecover，soI

won"taskmorethanthree-and-ninepenceforit。Doletmereadyouhowitopens：

""BeatriceLadyCullumptonenteredthelong，dimly-litdrawing-room，hereyesblazingwithahopethatsheguessedtobegroundless，herlipstremblingwithafearthatshecouldnotdisguise。Inherhandshecarriedasmallfan，afragiletoyoflaceandsatinwood。

Somethingsnappedassheenteredtheroom；shehadcrushedthefanintoadozenpieces。"

"There，whatdoyouthinkofthatforanopening？Ittellsyouatoncethatthere"ssomethingafoot。"

"Idon"treadnovels，"saidCaiaphassullenly。

"Butjustthinkwhataresourcetheyare，"exclaimedtheauthor，"onlongwinterevenings，orperhapswhenyouarelaidupwithastrainedankle——athingthatmighthappentoanyone；orifyouwerestayinginahouse-partywithpersistentwetweatherandastupidhostessandinsufferablydullfellow-guests，youwouldjustmakeanexcusethatyouhadletterstowrite，gotoyourroom，lightacigarette，andforthree-and-ninepenceyoucouldplungeintothesocietyofBeatriceLadyCullumptonandherset。Nooneoughttotravelwithoutoneortwoofmynovelsintheirluggageasastand-

by。AfriendofminesaidonlytheotherdaythathewouldassoonthinkofgoingintothetropicswithoutquinineasofgoingonavisitwithoutacoupleofMarkMellowkentsinhiskit-bag。Perhapssensationismoreinyourline。IwonderifI"vegotacopyofThePython"sKiss。"

Caiaphasdidnotwaittobetemptedwithselectionsfromthatthrillingworkoffiction。Withamutteredremarkabouthavingnotimetowasteonmonkey-talk，hegathereduphisslightedvolumeanddeparted。HemadenoaudiblereplytoMellowkent"scheerful"Goodmorning，"butthelatterfanciedthatalookofrespectfulhatredflickeredinthecoldgreyeyes。

THEHEDGEHOG

A"MixedDouble"ofyoungpeoplewerecontestingagameoflawntennisattheRectorygardenparty；forthepastfive-and-twentyyearsatleastmixeddoublesofyoungpeoplehaddoneexactlythesamethingonexactlythesamespotataboutthesametimeofyear。

Theyoungpeoplechangedandmadewayforothersinthecourseoftime，butverylittleelseseemedtoalter。Thepresentplayersweresufficientlyconsciousofthesocialnatureoftheoccasiontobeconcernedabouttheirclothesandappearance，andsufficientlysport-lovingtobekeenonthegame。Boththeireffortsandtheirappearancecameunderthefourfoldscrutinyofaquartetofladiessittingasofficialspectatorsonabenchimmediatelycommandingthecourt。ItwasoneoftheacceptedconditionsoftheRectorygardenpartythatfourladies，whousuallyknewverylittleabouttennisandagreatdealabouttheplayers，shouldsitatthatparticularspotandwatchthegame。Ithadalsocometobealmostatraditionthattwoladiesshouldbeamiable，andthattheothertwoshouldbeMrs。DoleandMrs。Hatch-Mallard。

"WhatasingularlyunbecomingwayEvaJonelethastakentodoingherhairin，"saidMrs。Hatch-Mallard；"it"suglyhairatthebestoftimes，butsheneedn"tmakeitlookridiculousaswell。Someoneoughttotellher。"

EvaJonelet"shairmighthaveescapedMrs。Hatch-Mallard"scondemnationifshecouldhaveforgottenthemoreglaringfactthatEvawasMrs。Dole"sfavouriteniece。Itwould，perhaps，havebeenamorecomfortablearrangementifMrs。Hatch-MallardandMrs。DolecouldhavebeenaskedtotheRectoryonseparateoccasions，buttherewasonlyonegardenpartyinthecourseoftheyear，andneitherladycouldhavebeenomittedfromthelistofinvitationswithouthopelesslywreckingthesocialpeaceoftheparish。

"Howprettytheyewtreeslookatthistimeofyear，"interposedaladywithasoft，silveryvoicethatsuggestedachinchillamuffpaintedbyWhistler。

"Whatdoyoumeanbythistimeofyear？"demandedMrs。Hatch-

Mallard。"Yewtreeslookbeautifulatalltimesoftheyear。Thatistheirgreatcharm。"

"Yewtreesneverlookanythingbuthideousunderanycircumstancesoratanytimeofyear，"saidMrs。Dole，withtheslow，emphaticrelishofonewhocontradictsforthepleasureofthething。"Theyareonlyfitforgraveyardsandcemeteries。"

Mrs。Hatch-Mallardgaveasardonicsnort，which，beingtranslated，meantthatthereweresomepeoplewhowerebetterfittedforcemeteriesthanforgardenparties。

"Whatisthescore，please？"askedtheladywiththechinchillavoice。

Thedesiredinformationwasgivenherbyayounggentlemaninspotlesswhiteflannels，whosegeneraltoileteffectsuggestedsolicituderatherthananxiety。

"WhatanodiousyoungcubBertieDyksonhasbecome！"pronouncedMrs。

Dole，rememberingsuddenlythatBertiewasafavouritewithMrs。

Hatch-Mallard。"Theyoungmenofto-dayarenotwhattheyusedtobetwentyyearsago。"

"Ofcoursenot，"saidMrs。Hatch-Mallard；"twentyyearsagoBertieDyksonwasjusttwoyearsold，andyoumustexpectsomedifferenceinappearanceandmannerandconversationbetweenthosetwoperiods。"

"Doyouknow，"saidMrs。Dole，confidentially，"Ishouldn"tbesurprisedifthatwasintendedtobeclever。"

"Haveyouanyoneinterestingcomingtostaywithyou，Mrs。

Norbury？"askedthechinchillavoice，hastily；"yougenerallyhaveahousepartyatthistimeofyear。"

"I"vegotamostinterestingwomancoming，"saidMrs。Norbury，whohadbeenmutelystrugglingforsomechancetoturntheconversationintoasafechannel；"anoldacquaintanceofmine，AdaBleek——"

"Whatanuglyname，"saidMrs。Hatch-Mallard。

"She"sdescendedfromthedelaBliques，anoldHuguenotfamilyofTouraine，youknow。"

"Thereweren"tanyHuguenotsinTouraine，"saidMrs。Hatch-Mallard，whothoughtshemightsafelydisputeanyfactthatwasthreehundredyearsold。

"Well，anyhow，she"scomingtostaywithme，"continuedMrs。

Norbury，bringingherstoryquicklydowntothepresentday，"shearrivesthisevening，andshe"shighlyclairvoyante，aseventhdaughterofaseventhdaughter，younow，andallthatsortofthing。"

"Howveryinteresting，"saidthechinchillavoice；"Exwoodisjusttherightplaceforhertocometo，isn"tit？Therearesupposedtobeseveralghoststhere。"

"Thatiswhyshewassoanxioustocome，"saidMrs。Norbury；"sheputoffanotherengagementinordertoacceptmyinvitation。She"shadvisionsanddreams，andallthosesortofthings，thathavecometrueinamostmarvellousmanner，butshe"sneveractuallyseenaghost，andshe"slongingtohavethatexperience。ShebelongstothatResearchSociety，youknow。"

"Iexpectshe"llseetheunhappyLadyCullumpton，themostfamousofalltheExwoodghosts，"saidMrs。Dole；"myancestor，youknow，SirGervaseCullumpton，murderedhisyoungbrideinafitofjealousywhiletheywereonavisittoExwood。Hestrangledherinthestableswithastirrupleather，justaftertheyhadcomeinfromriding，andsheisseensometimesatduskgoingaboutthelawnsandthestableyard，inalonggreenhabit，moaningandtryingtogetthethongfromroundherthroat。Ishallbemostinterestedtohearifyourfriendsees——"

"Idon"tknowwhysheshouldbeexpectedtoseeatrashy，traditionalapparitionliketheso-calledCullumptonghost，thatisonlyvouchedforbyhousemaidsandtipsystable-boys，whenmyuncle，whowastheownerofExwood，committedsuicidethereunderthemosttragicalcircumstances，andmostcertainlyhauntstheplace。"

"Mrs。Hatch-MallardhasevidentlyneverreadPopple"sCountyHistory，"saidMrs。Doleicily，"orshewouldknowthattheCullumptonghosthasawealthofevidencebehindit——"

"Oh，Popple！"exclaimedMrs。Hatch-Mallardscornfully；"anyrubbishyoldstoryisgoodenoughforhim。Popple，indeed！Nowmyuncle"sghostwasseenbyaRuralDean，whowasalsoaJusticeofthePeace。

Ishouldthinkthatwouldbegoodenoughtestimonyforanyone。

Mrs。Norbury，Ishalltakeitasadeliberatepersonalaffrontifyourclairvoyantefriendseesanyotherghostexceptthatofmyuncle。"

"Idaresayshewon"tseeanythingatall；sheneverhasyet，youknow，"saidMrs。Norburyhopefully。

"Itwasamostunfortunatetopicformetohavebroached，"shelamentedafterwardstotheownerofthechinchillavoice；"ExwoodbelongstoMrs。Hatch-Mallard，andwe"veonlygotitonashortlease。Anephewofhershasbeenwantingtolivethereforsometime，andifweoffendherinanywayshe"llrefusetorenewthelease。Isometimesthinkthesegarden-partiesareamistake。"

TheNorburysplayedbridgeforthenextthreenightstillnearlyoneo"clock；theydidnotcareforthegame，butitreducedthetimeattheirguest"sdisposalforundesirableghostlyvisitations。

"MissBleekisnotlikelytobeinaframeofmindtoseeghosts，"

saidHugoNorbury，"ifshegoestobedwithherbrainawhirlwithroyalspadesandnotrumpsandgrandslams。"

"I"vetalkedtoherforhoursaboutMrs。Hatch-Mallard"suncle，"

saidhiswife，"andpointedouttheexactspotwherehekilledhimself，andinventedallsortsofimpressivedetails，andI"vefoundanoldportraitofLordJohnRussellandputitinherroom，andtoldherthatit"ssupposedtobeapictureoftheuncleinmiddleage。IfAdadoesseeaghostatallitcertainlyoughttobeoldHatch-Mallard"s。Atanyrate，we"vedoneourbest。"

Theprecautionswereinvain。OnthethirdmorningofherstayAdaBleekcamedownlatetobreakfast，hereyeslookingverytired，butablazewithexcitement，herhairdoneanyhow，andalargebrownvolumehuggedunderherarm。

"AtlastI"veseensomethingsupernatural！"sheexclaimed，andgaveMrs。Norburyaferventkiss，asthoughingratitudefortheopportunityaffordedher。

"Aghost！"criedMrs。Norbury，"notreally！"

"Reallyandunmistakably！"

"Wasitanoldishmaninthedressofaboutfiftyyearsago？"askedMrs。Norburyhopefully。

"Nothingofthesort，"saidAda；"itwasawhitehedgehog。"

"Awhitehedgehog！"exclaimedboththeNorburys，intonesofdisconcertedastonishment。

"Ahugewhitehedgehogwithbalefulyelloweyes，"saidAda；"IwaslyinghalfasleepinbedwhensuddenlyIfeltasensationasofsomethingsinisterandunaccountablepassingthroughtheroom。I

satupandlookedround，andthere，underthewindow，Isawanevil，creepingthing，asortofmonstroushedgehog，ofadirtywhitecolour，withblack，loathsomeclawsthatclickedandscrapedalongthefloor，andnarrow，yelloweyesofindescribableevil。Itslitheredalongforayardortwo，alwayslookingatmewithitscruel，hideouseyes，then，whenitreachedthesecondwindow，whichwasopenitclamberedupthesillandvanished。Igotupatonceandwenttothewindow；therewasn"tasignofitanywhere。Ofcourse，Iknewitmustbesomethingfromanotherworld，butitwasnottillIturnedupPopple"schapteronlocaltraditionsthatI

realisedwhatIhadseen。"

Sheturnedeagerlytothelargebrownvolumeandread：""NicholasHerison，anoldmiser，washungatBatchfordin1763forthemurderofafarmladwhohadaccidentallydiscoveredhissecrethoard。Hisghostissupposedtotraversethecountryside，appearingsometimesasawhiteowl，sometimesasahugewhitehedgehog。"

"IexpectyoureadthePopplestoryovernight，andthatmadeyouTHINKyousawahedgehogwhenyouwereonlyhalfawake，"saidMrs。

Norbury，hazardingaconjecturethatprobablycameverynearthetruth。

Adascoutedthepossibilityofsuchasolutionofherapparition。

"Thismustbehushedup，"saidMrs。Norburyquickly；"theservants——

"

"Hushedup！"exclaimedAda，indignantly；"I"mwritingalongreportonitfortheResearchSociety。"

ItwasthenthatHugoNorbury，whoisnotnaturallyamanofbrilliantresource，hadoneofthereallyusefulinspirationsofhislife。

"Itwasverywickedofus，MissBleek，"hesaid，"butitwouldbeashametoletitgofurther。Thatwhitehedgehogisanoldjokeofours；stuffedalbinohedgehog，youknow，thatmyfatherbroughthomefromJamaica，wheretheygrowtoenormoussize。Wehideitintheroomwithastringonit，runoneendofthestringthroughthewindow；thenwepulliffrombelowanditcomesscrapingalongthefloor，justasyou"vedescribed，andfinallyjerksoutofthewindow。Takeninheapsofpeople；theyallreadupPoppleandthinkit"soldHarryNicholson"sghost；wealwaysstopthemfromwritingtothepapersaboutit，though。Thatwouldbecarryingmatterstoofar。"

Mrs。Hatch-Mallardrenewedtheleaseinduecourse，butAdaBleekhasneverrenewedherfriendship。