第1章

Contents：

TheToysofPeaceLouiseTeaTheDisappearanceofCrispinaUmberleighTheWolvesofCernogratzLouisTheGuestsThePenanceThePhantomLuncheonABreadandButterMissBertie"sChristmasEveForewarnedTheInterlopersQuailSeedCanossaTheThreatExceptingMrs。PentherbyMarkTheHedgehogTheMappinedLifeFateTheBullMorlveraShockTacticsTheSevenCreamJugsTheOccasionalGardenTheSheepTheOversightHyacinthTheImageoftheLostSoulThePurpleoftheBalkanKingsTheCupboardoftheYesterdaysFortheDurationoftheWarTHETOYSOFPEACE

"Harvey，"saidEleanorBope，handingherbrotheracuttingfromaLondonmorningpaperofthe19thofMarch，"justreadthisaboutchildren"stoys，please；itexactlycarriesoutsomeofourideasaboutinfluenceandupbringing。"

"IntheviewoftheNationalPeaceCouncil，"rantheextract，"therearegraveobjectionstopresentingourboyswithregimentsoffightingmen，batteriesofguns，andsquadronsof"Dreadnoughts。"

Boys，theCounciladmits，naturallylovefightingandallthepanoplyofwar……butthatisnoreasonforencouraging，andperhapsgivingpermanentformto，theirprimitiveinstincts。AttheChildren"sWelfareExhibition，whichopensatOlympiainthreeweeks"time，thePeaceCouncilwillmakeanalternativesuggestiontoparentsintheshapeofanexhibitionof"peacetoys。"Infrontofaspecially-paintedrepresentationofthePeacePalaceatTheHaguewillbegrouped，notminiaturesoldiersbutminiaturecivilians，notgunsbutploughsandthetoolsofindustry……Itishopedthatmanufacturersmaytakeahintfromtheexhibit，whichwillbearfruitinthetoyshops。"

"Theideaiscertainlyaninterestingandverywell-meaningone，"

saidHarvey；"whetheritwouldsucceedwellinpractice——"

"Wemusttry，"interruptedhissister；"youarecomingdowntousatEaster，andyoualwaysbringtheboyssometoys，sothatwillbeanexcellentopportunityforyoutoinauguratethenewexperiment。Goaboutintheshopsandbuyanylittletoysandmodelsthathavespecialbearingoncivilianlifeinitsmorepeacefulaspects。Ofcourseyoumustexplainthetoystothechildrenandinteresttheminthenewidea。Iregrettosaythatthe"SiegeofAdrianople"

toy，thattheirAuntSusansentthem，didn"tneedanyexplanation；

theyknewalltheuniformsandflags，andeventhenamesoftherespectivecommanders，andwhenIheardthemonedayusingwhatseemedtobethemostobjectionablelanguagetheysaiditwasBulgarianwordsofcommand；ofcourseitMAYhavebeen，butatanyrateItookthetoyawayfromthem。NowIshallexpectyourEastergiftstogivequiteanewimpulseanddirectiontothechildren"sminds；Ericisnotelevenyet，andBertieisonlynine-and-a-half，sotheyarereallyatamostimpressionableage。"

"Thereisprimitiveinstincttobetakenintoconsideration，youknow，"saidHenrydoubtfully，"andhereditarytendenciesaswell。

Oneoftheirgreat-unclesfoughtinthemostintolerantfashionatInkerman——hewasspeciallymentionedindispatches，Ibelieve——andtheirgreat-grandfathersmashedallhisWhigneighbours"hothouseswhenthegreatReformBillwaspassed。Still，asyousay，theyareatanimpressionableage。Iwilldomybest。"

OnEasterSaturdayHarveyBopeunpackedalarge，promising-lookingredcardboardboxundertheexpectanteyesofhisnephews。"Yourunclehasbroughtyouthenewestthingintoys，"Eleanorhadsaidimpressively，andyouthfulanticipationhadbeenanxiouslydividedbetweenAlbaniansoldieryandaSomalicamel-corps。Ericwashotlyinfavourofthelattercontingency。"TherewouldbeArabsonhorseback，"hewhispered；"theAlbanianshavegotjollyuniforms，andtheyfightalldaylong，andallnight，too，whenthere"samoon，butthecountry"srocky，sothey"vegotnocavalry。"

Aquantityofcrinklypapershavingswasthefirstthingthatmettheviewwhenthelidwasremoved；themostexitingtoysalwaysbeganlikethat。Harveypushedbackthetoplayeranddrewforthasquare，ratherfeaturelessbuilding。

"It"safort！"exclaimedBertie。

"Itisn"t，it"sthepalaceoftheMpretofAlbania，"saidEric，immenselyproudofhisknowledgeoftheexotictitle；"it"sgotnowindows，yousee，sothatpassers-bycan"tfireinattheRoyalFamily。"

"It"samunicipaldust-bin，"saidHarveyhurriedly；"youseealltherefuseandlitterofatowniscollectedthere，insteadoflyingaboutandinjuringthehealthofthecitizens。"

Inanawfulsilencehedisinterredalittleleadfigureofamaninblackclothes。

"That，"hesaid，"isadistinguishedcivilian，JohnStuartMill。Hewasanauthorityonpoliticaleconomy。"

"Why？"askedBertie。

"Well，hewantedtobe；hethoughtitwasausefulthingtobe。"

Bertiegaveanexpressivegrunt，whichconveyedhisopinionthattherewasnoaccountingfortastes。

Anothersquarebuildingcameout，thistimewithwindowsandchimneys。

"AmodeloftheManchesterbranchoftheYoungWomen"sChristianAssociation，"saidHarvey。

"Arethereanylions？"askedErichopefully。HehadbeenreadingRomanhistoryandthoughtthatwhereyoufoundChristiansyoumightreasonablyexpecttofindafewlions。

"Therearenolions，"saidHarvey。"Hereisanothercivilian，RobertRaikes，thefounderofSundayschools，andhereisamodelofamunicipalwash-house。Theselittleroundthingsareloavesbackedinasanitarybakehouse。Thatleadfigureisasanitaryinspector，thisoneisadistrictcouncillor，andthisoneisanofficialoftheLocalGovernmentBoard。"

"Whatdoeshedo？"askedEricwearily。

"HeseestothingsconnectedwithhisDepartment，"saidHarvey。

"Thisboxwithaslitinitisaballot-box。Votesareputintoitatelectiontimes。"

"Whatisputintoitatothertimes？"askedBertie。

"Nothing。Andherearesometoolsofindustry，awheelbarrowandahoe，andIthinkthesearemeantforhop-poles。Thisisamodelbeehive，andthatisaventilator，forventilatingsewers。Thisseemstobeanothermunicipaldust-bin——no，itisamodelofaschoolofartandpubliclibrary。ThislittleleadfigureisMrs。

Hemans，apoetess，andthisisRowlandHill，whointroducedthesystemofpennypostage。ThisisSirJohnHerschel，theeminentastrologer。"

"Arewetoplaywiththesecivilianfigures？"askedEric。

"Ofcourse，"saidHarvey，"thesearetoys；theyaremeanttobeplayedwith。"

"Buthow？"

Itwasratheraposer。"YoumightmaketwoofthemcontestaseatinParliament，"saidHarvey，"anhaveanelection——"

"Withrotteneggs，andfreefights，andeversomanybrokenheads！"

exclaimedEric。

"Andnosesallbleedingandeverybodydrunkascanbe，"echoedBertie，whohadcarefullystudiedoneofHogarth"spictures。

"Nothingofthekind，"saidHarvey，"nothingintheleastlikethat。

Voteswillbeputintheballot-box，andtheMayorwillcountthem——

andhewillsaywhichhasreceivedthemostvotes，andthenthetwocandidateswillthankhimforpresiding，andeachwillsaythatthecontesthasbeenconductedthroughoutinthepleasantestandmoststraightforwardfashion，andtheypartwithexpressionsofmutualesteem。There"sajollygameforyouboystoplay。IneverhadsuchtoyswhenIwasyoung。"

"Idon"tthinkwe"llplaywiththemjustnow，"saidEric，withanentireabsenceoftheenthusiasmthathisunclehadshown；"Ithinkperhapsweoughttodoalittleofourholidaytask。It"shistorythistime；we"vegottolearnupsomethingabouttheBourbonperiodinFrance。"

"TheBourbonperiod，"saidHarvey，withsomedisapprovalinhisvoice。

"We"vegottoknowsomethingaboutLouistheFourteenth，"continuedEric；"I"velearntthenamesofalltheprincipalbattlesalready。"

Thiswouldneverdo。"Therewere，ofcourse，somebattlesfoughtduringhisreign，"saidHarvey，"butIfancytheaccountsofthemweremuchexaggerated；newswasveryunreliableinthosedays，andtherewerepracticallynowarcorrespondents，sogeneralsandcommanderscouldmagnifyeverylittleskirmishtheyengagedintilltheyreachedtheproportionsofdecisivebattles。Louiswasreallyfamous，now，asalandscapegardener；thewayhelaidoutVersailleswassomuchadmiredthatitwascopiedalloverEurope。"

"DoyouknowanythingaboutMadameDuBarry？"askedEric；"didn"tshehaveherheadchoppedoff？"

"Shewasanothergreatloverofgardening，"saidHarvey，evasively；

"infact，IbelievethewellknownroseDuBarrywasnamedafterher，andnowIthinkyouhadbetterplayforalittleandleaveyourlessonstilllater。"

Harveyretreatedtothelibraryandspentsomethirtyorfortyminutesinwonderingwhetheritwouldbepossibletocompileahistory，foruseinelementaryschools，inwhichthereshouldbenoprominentmentionofbattles，massacres，murderousintrigues，andviolentdeaths。TheYorkandLancasterperiodandtheNapoleonicerawould，headmittedtohimself，presentconsiderabledifficulties，andtheThirtyYears"Warwouldentailsomethingofagapifyouleftitoutaltogether。Still，itwouldbesomethinggainedif，atahighlyimpressionableage，childrencouldbegottofixtheirattentionontheinventionofcalicoprintinginsteadoftheSpanishArmadaortheBattleofWaterloo。

Itwastime，hethought，togobacktotheboys"room，andseehowtheyweregettingonwiththeirpeacetoys。AshestoodoutsidethedoorhecouldhearEric"svoiceraisedincommand；Bertiechimedinnowandagainwithahelpfulsuggestion。

"ThatisLouistheFourteenth，"Ericwassaying，"thatoneinknee-

breeches，thatUnclesaidinventedSundayschools。Itisn"tabitlikehim，butit"llhavetodo。"

"We"llgivehimapurplecoatfrommypaintboxbyandby，"saidBertie。

"Yes，an"redheels。ThatisMadamedeMaintenon，thatonehecalledMrs。Hemans。ShebegsLouisnottogoonthisexpedition，butheturnsadeafear。HetakesMarshalSaxewithhim，andwemustpretendthattheyhavethousandsofmenwiththem。ThewatchwordisQuivive？andtheanswerisL"etatc"estmoi——thatwasoneofhisfavouriteremarks，youknow。TheylandatManchesterinthedeadofthenight，andaJacobiteconspiratorgivesthemthekeysofthefortress。"

PeepinginthroughthedoorwayHarveyobservedthatthemunicipaldustbinhadbeenpiercedwithholestoaccommodatethemuzzlesofimaginarycannon，andnowrepresentedtheprincipalfortifiedpositioninManchester；JohnStuartMillhadbeendippedinredink，andapparentlystoodforMarshalSaxe。

"LouisordershistroopstosurroundtheYoungWomen"sChristianAssociationandseizethelotofthem。"OncebackattheLouvreandthegirlsaremine，"heexclaims。WemustuseMrs。Hemansagainforoneofthegirls；shesays"Never，"andstabsMarshalSaxetotheheart。"

"Hebleedsdreadfully，"exclaimedBertie，splashingredinkliberallyoverthefacadeoftheAssociationbuilding。

"Thesoldiersrushinandavengehisdeathwiththeutmostsavagery。

Ahundredgirlsarekilled"——hereBertieemptiedtheremainderoftheredinkoverthedevotedbuilding——"andthesurvivingfivehundredaredraggedofftotheFrenchships。"IhavelostaMarshal，"saysLouis，"butIdonotgobackempty-handed。""

Harveystoleawayfromtheroom，andsoughtouthissister。

"Eleanor，"hesaid，"theexperiment——"

"Yes？"

"Hasfailed。Wehavebeguntoolate。"

LOUISE

"Theteawillbequitecold，you"dbetterringforsomemore，"saidtheDowagerLadyBeanford。

SusanLadyBeanfordwasavigorousoldwomanwhohadcoquettedwithimaginaryill-healthforthegreaterpartofalifetime；ClovisSangrailirreverentlydeclaredthatshehadcaughtachillattheCoronationofQueenVictoriaandhadneverletitgoagain。Hersister，JaneThropplestance，whowassomeyearsherjunior，waschieflyremarkableforbeingthemostabsent-mindedwomaninMiddlesex。

"I"vereallybeenunusuallycleverthisafternoon，"sheremarkedgaily，assherangforthetea。"I"vecalledonallthepeopleI

meanttocallon；andI"vedonealltheshoppingthatIsetouttodo。IevenrememberedtotryandmatchthatsilkforyouatHarrod"s，butI"dforgottentobringthepatternwithme，soitwasnouse。IreallythinkthatwastheonlyimportantthingIforgotduringthewholeafternoon。Quitewonderfulforme，isn"tit？"

"WhathaveyoudonewithLouise？"askedhersister。"Didn"tyoutakeheroutwithyou？Yousaidyouweregoingto。"

"Goodgracious，"exclaimedJane，"whathaveIdonewithLouise？I

musthavelefthersomewhere。"

"Butwhere？"

"That"sjustit。WherehaveIlefther？Ican"trememberiftheCarrywoodswereathomeorifIjustleftcards。IftherewereathomeImayhaveleftLouisetheretoplaybridge。I"llgoandtelephonetoLordCarrywoodandfindout。"

"Isthatyou，LordCarrywood？"shequeriedoverthetelephone；"it"sme，JaneThropplestance。Iwanttoknow，haveyouseenLouise？"

""Louise，""cametheanswer，"it"sbeenmyfatetoseeitthreetimes。Atfirst，Imustadmit，Iwasn"timpressedbyit，butthemusicgrowsononeafterabit。Still，Idon"tthinkIwanttoseeitagainjustatpresent。Wereyougoingtooffermeaseatinyourbox？"

"Nottheopera"Louise"——myniece，LouiseThropplestance。IthoughtImighthaveleftheratyourhouse。"

"Youleftcardsonusthisafternoon，Iunderstand，butIdon"tthinkyouleftaniece。Thefootmanwouldhavebeensuretohavementioneditifyouhad。Isitgoingtobeafashiontoleaveniecesonpeopleaswellascards？Ihopenot；someofthesehousesinBerkeley-squarehavepracticallynoaccommodationforthatsortofthing。"

"She"snotattheCarrywoods"，"announcedJane，returningtohertea；"nowIcometothinkofit，perhapsIleftheratthesilkcounteratSelfridge"s。ImayhavetoldhertowaitthereamomentwhileIwenttolookatthesilksinabetterlight，andImayeasilyhaveforgottenaboutherwhenIfoundIhadn"tyourpatternwithme。Inthatcaseshe"sstillsittingthere。Shewouldn"tmoveunlessshewastoldto；Louisehasnoinitiative。"

"YousaidyoutriedtomatchthesilkatHarrod"s，"interjectedthedowager。

"DidI？PerhapsitwasHarrod"s。Ireallydon"tremember。Itwasoneofthoseplaceswhereeveryoneissokindandsympatheticanddevotedthatonealmosthatestotakeevenareelofcottonawayfromsuchpleasantsurroundings。"

"IthinkyoumighthavetakenLouiseaway。Idon"tliketheideaofherbeingthereamongalotofstrangers。Supposingsomeunprincipledpersonwastogetintoconversationwithher。"

"Impossible。Louisehasnoconversation。I"veneverdiscoveredasingletopiconwhichshe"danythingtosaybeyond"Doyouthinkso？

Idaresayyou"reright。"IreallythoughtherreticenceaboutthefalloftheRibotMinistrywasridiculous，consideringhowmuchherdearmotherusedtovisitParis。Thisbreadandbutteriscutfartoothin；itcrumblesawaylongbeforeyoucangetittoyourmouth。

Onefeelssoabsurd，snappingatone"sfoodinmid-air，likeatroutleapingatmay-fly。"

"Iamrathersurprised，"saidthedowager，"thatyoucansittheremakingaheartyteawhenyou"vejustlostafavouriteniece。"

"YoutalkasifI"dlostherinachurchyardsense，insteadofhavingtemporarilymislaidher。I"msuretorememberpresentlywhereIlefther。"

"Youdidn"tvisitanyplaceofdevotion，didyou？Ifyou"velefthermooningaboutWestminsterAbbeyorSt。Peter"s，EatonSquare，withoutbeingabletogiveanysatisfactoryreasonwhyshe"sthere，she"llbeseizedundertheCatandMouseActandsenttoReginaldMcKenna。"

"Thatwouldbeextremelyawkward，"saidJane，meetinganirresolutepieceofbreadandbutterhalfway；"wehardlyknowtheMcKennas，anditwouldbeverytiresomehavingtotelephonetosomeunsympatheticprivatesecretary，describingLouisetohimandaskingtohavehersentbackintimefordinner。Fortunately，Ididn"tgotoanyplaceofdevotion，thoughIdidgetmixedupwithaSalvationArmyprocession。Itwasquiteinterestingtobeatclosequarterswiththem，they"resoabsolutelydifferenttowhattheyusedtobewhenI

firstremembertheminthe"eighties。Theyusedtogoaboutthenunkemptanddishevelled，inasortofsmilingragewiththeworld，andnowthey"respruceandjauntyandflamboyantlydecorative，likeageraniumbedwithreligiousconvictions。LauraKettlewaywasgoingonaboutthemintheliftoftheDoverStreetTubetheotherday，sayingwhatalotofgoodworktheydid，andwhatalossitwouldhavebeenifthey"dneverexisted。"Iftheyhadneverexisted，"Isaid，"GranvilleBarkerwouldhavebeencertaintohaveinventedsomethingthatlookedexactlylikethem。"Ifyousaythingslikethat，quiteloud，inaTubelift，theyalwayssoundlikeepigrams。"

"IthinkyououghttodosomethingaboutLouise，"saidthedowager。

"I"mtryingtothinkwhethershewaswithmewhenIcalledonAdaSpelvexit。Iratherenjoyedmyselfthere。Adawastrying，asusual，toramthatodiousKoriatoffskiwomandownmythroat，knowingperfectlywellthatIdetesther，andinanunguardedmomentshesaid："She"sleavingherpresenthouseandgoingtoLowerSeymourStreet。""Idaresayshewill，ifshestaystherelongenough，"I

said。Adadidn"tseeitforaboutthreeminutes，andthenshewaspositivelyuncivil。No，IamcertainIdidn"tleaveLouisethere。"

"IfyoucouldmanagetorememberwhereyouDIDleaveher，itwouldbemoretothepointthanthesenegativeassurances，"saidLadyBeanford；"sofar，allweknowisthatsheisnotattheCarrywoods"，orAdaSpelvexit"s，orWestminsterAbbey。"

"Thatnarrowsthesearchdownabit，"saidJanehopefully；"IratherfancyshemusthavebeenwithmewhenIwenttoMornay"s。IknowI

wenttoMornay"s，becauseIremembermeetingthatdelightfulMalcolmWhat"s-his-namethere——youknowwhomImean。That"sthegreatadvantageofpeoplehavingunusualfirstnames，youneedn"ttryandrememberwhattheirothernameis。OfcourseIknowoneortwootherMalcolms，butnonethatcouldpossiblybedescribedasdelightful。HegavemetwoticketsfortheHappySundayEveningsinSloaneSquare。I"veprobablyleftthematMornay"s，butstillitwasawfullykindofhimtogivethemtome。"

"DoyouthinkyouleftLouisethere？"

"Imighttelephoneandask。Oh，Robert，beforeyouclearthetea-

thingsawayIwishyou"dringupMornay"s，inRegentStreet，andaskifIlefttwotheatreticketsandonenieceintheirshopthisafternoon。"

"Aniece，ma"am？"askedthefootman。

"Yes，MissLouisedidn"tcomehomewithme，andI"mnotsurewhereI

lefther。"

"MissLouisehasbeenupstairsalltheafternoon，ma"am，readingtothesecondkitchenmaid，whohastheneuralgia。ItookupteatoMissLouiseataquartertofiveo"clock，ma"am。"

"Ofcourse，howsillyofme。Iremembernow，IaskedhertoreadtheFaerieQueenetopoorEmma，totrytosendhertosleep。I

alwaysgetsomeonetoreadtheFaerieQueenetomewhenIhaveneuralgia，anditusuallysendsmetosleep。Louisedoesn"tseemtohavebeensuccessful，butonecan"tsayshehasn"ttried。Iexpectafterthefirsthourorsothekitchenmaidwouldratherhavebeenleftalonewithherneuralgia，butofcourseLouisewouldn"tleaveofftillsomeonetoldherto。Anyhow，youcanringupMornay"s，Robert，andaskwhetherIlefttwotheatreticketsthere。Exceptforyoursilk，Susan，thoseseemtobetheonlythingsI"veforgottenthisafternoon。Quitewonderfulforme。"

TEA

JamesCushat-Prinklywasayoungmanwhohadalwayshadasettledconvictionthatoneofthesedayshewouldmarry；uptotheageofthirty-fourhehaddonenothingtojustifythatconviction。Helikedandadmiredagreatmanywomencollectivelyanddispassionatelywithoutsinglingoutoneforespecialmatrimonialconsideration，justasonemightadmiretheAlpswithoutfeelingthatonewantedanyparticularpeakasone"sownprivateproperty。

Hislackofinitiativeinthismatterarousedacertainamountofimpatienceamongthesentimentally-mindedwomen-folkofhishomecircle；hismother，hissisters，anaunt-in-residence，andtwoorthreeintimatematronlyfriendsregardedhisdilatoryapproachtothemarriedstatewithadisapprovalthatwasfarfrombeinginarticulate。Hismostinnocentflirtationswerewatchedwiththestrainingeagernesswhichagroupofunexercisedterriersconcentratesontheslightestmovementsofahumanbeingwhomaybereasonablyconsideredlikelytotakethemforawalk。Nodecent-

souledmortalcanlongresistthepleadingofseveralpairsofwalk-

beseechingdog-eyes；JamesCushat-Prinklywasnotsufficientlyobstinateorindifferenttohomeinfluencestodisregardtheobviouslyexpressedwishofhisfamilythatheshouldbecomeenamouredofsomenicemarriageablegirl，andwhenhisUncleJulesdepartedthislifeandbequeathedhimacomfortablelittlelegacyitreallyseemedthecorrectthingtodotosetaboutdiscoveringsomeonetoshareitwithhim。Theprocessofdiscoverywascarriedonmorebytheforceofsuggestionandtheweightofpublicopinionthanbyanyinitiativeofhisown；aclearworkingmajorityofhisfemalerelativesandtheaforesaidmatronlyfriendshadpitchedonJoanSebastableasthemostsuitableyoungwomaninhisrangeofacquaintancetowhomhemightproposemarriage，andJamesbecamegraduallyaccustomedtotheideathatheandJoanwouldgotogetherthroughtheprescribedstagesofcongratulations，present-receiving，NorwegianorMediterraneanhotels，andeventualdomesticity。Itwasnecessary，howevertoasktheladywhatshethoughtaboutthematter；thefamilyhadsofarconductedanddirectedtheflirtationwithabilityanddiscretion，buttheactualproposalwouldhavetobeanindividualeffort。

Cushat-PrinklywalkedacrosstheParktowardstheSebastableresidenceinaframeofmindthatwasmoderatelycomplacent。Asthethingwasgoingtobedonehewasgladtofeelthathewasgoingtogetitsettledandoffhismindthatafternoon。Proposingmarriage，eventoanicegirllikeJoan，wasaratherirksomebusiness，butonecouldnothaveahoneymooninMinorcaandasubsequentlifeofmarriedhappinesswithoutsuchpreliminary。HewonderedwhatMinorcawasreallylikeasaplacetostopin；inhismind"seyeitwasanislandinperpetualhalf-mourning，withblackorwhiteMinorcahensrunningalloverit。Probablyitwouldnotbeabitlikethatwhenonecametoexamineit。PeoplewhohadbeeninRussiahadtoldhimthattheydidnotrememberhavingseenanyMuscovyducksthere，soitwaspossiblethattherewouldbenoMinorcafowlsontheisland。

HisMediterraneanmusingswereinterruptedbythesoundofaclockstrikingthehalf-hour。Half-pastfour。Afrownofdissatisfactionsettledonhisface。HewouldarriveattheSebastablemansionjustatthehourofafternoontea。Joanwouldbeseatedatalowtable，spreadwithanarrayofsilverkettlesandcream-jugsanddelicateporcelaintea-cups，behindwhichhervoicewouldtinklepleasantlyinaseriesoflittlefriendlyquestionsaboutweakorstrongtea，howmuch，ifany，sugar，milk，cream，andsoforth。"Isitonelump？Iforgot。Youdotakemilk，don"tyou？Wouldyoulikesomemorehotwater，ifit"stoostrong？"

Cushat-Prinklyhadreadofsuchthingsinscoresofnovels，andhundredsofactualexperienceshadtoldhimthattheyweretruetolife。Thousandsofwomen，atthissolemnafternoonhour，weresittingbehinddaintyporcelainandsilverfittings，withtheirvoicestinklingpleasantlyinacascadeofsolicitouslittlequestions。Cushat-Prinklydetestedthewholesystemofafternoontea。Accordingtohistheoryoflifeawomanshouldlieonadivanorcouch，talkingwithincomparablecharmorlookingunutterablethoughts，ormerelysilentasathingtobelookedon，andfrombehindasilkencurtainasmallNubianpageshouldsilentlybringinatraywithcupsanddainties，tobeacceptedsilently，asamatterofcourse，withoutdrawn-outchatteraboutcreamandsugarandhotwater。Ifone"ssoulwasreallyenslavedatone"smistress"sfeethowcouldonetalkcoherentlyaboutweakenedtea？Cushat-Prinklyhadneverexpoundedhisviewsonthesubjecttohismother；allherlifeshehadbeenaccustomedtotinklepleasantlyattea-timebehinddaintyporcelainandsilver，andifhehadspokentoheraboutdivansandNubianpagesshewouldhaveurgedhimtotakeaweek"sholidayattheseaside。Now，ashepassedthroughatangleofsmallstreetsthatledindirectlytotheelegantMayfairterraceforwhichhewasbound，ahorrorattheideaofconfrontingJoanSebastableathertea-tableseizedonhim。Amomentarydeliverancepresenteditself；ononefloorofanarrowlittlehouseatthenoisierendofEsquimaultStreetlivedRhodaEllam，asortofremotecousin，whomadealivingbycreatinghatsoutofcostlymaterials。ThehatsreallylookedasiftheyhadcomefromParis；thechequesshegotforthemunfortunatelyneverlookedasiftheyweregoingtoParis。

However，Rhodaappearedtofindlifeamusingandtohaveafairlygoodtimeinspiteofherstraitenedcircumstances。Cushat-Prinklydecidedtoclimbuptoherflooranddeferbyhalf-an-hourorsotheimportantbusinesswhichlaybeforehim；byspinningouthisvisithecouldcontrivetoreachtheSebastablemansionafterthelastvestigesofdaintyporcelainhadbeenclearedaway。

Rhodawelcomedhimintoaroomthatseemedtododutyasworkshop，sitting-room，andkitchencombined，andtobewonderfullycleanandcomfortableatthesametime。

"I"mhavingapicnicmeal，"sheannounced。"There"scaviareinthatjaratyourelbow。Beginonthatbrownbread-and-butterwhileIcutsomemore。Findyourselfacup；theteapotisbehindyou。Nowtellmeabouthundredsofthings。"

Shemadenootherallusiontofood，buttalkedamusinglyandmadehervisitortalkamusinglytoo。Atthesametimeshecutthebread-

and-butterwithamasterlyskillandproducedredpepperandslicedlemon，wheresomanywomenwouldmerelyhaveproducedreasonsandregretsfornothavingany。Cushat-PrinklyfoundthathewasenjoyinganexcellentteawithouthavingtoanswerasmanyquestionsaboutitasaMinisterforAgriculturemightbecalledontoreplytoduringanoutbreakofcattleplague。

"Andnowtellmewhyyouhavecometoseeme，"saidRhodasuddenly。

"Youarousenotmerelymycuriositybutmybusinessinstincts。I

hopeyou"vecomeabouthats。Iheardthatyouhadcomeintoalegacytheotherday，and，ofcourse，itstruckmethatitwouldbeabeautifulanddesirablethingforyoutocelebratetheeventbybuyingbrilliantlyexpensivehatsforallyoursisters。Theymaynothavesaidanythingaboutit，butIfeelsurethesameideahasoccurredtothem。Ofcourse，withGoodwoodonus，Iamratherrushedjustnow，butinmybusinesswe"reaccustomedtothat；weliveinaseriesofrushes——liketheinfantMoses。"

"Ididn"tcomeabouthats，"saidhervisitor。"Infact，Idon"tthinkIreallycameaboutanything。IwaspassingandIjustthoughtI"dlookinandseeyou。SinceI"vebeensittingtalkingtoyou，however，ratherimportantideahasoccurredtome。Ifyou"llforgetGoodwoodforamomentandlistentome，I"lltellyouwhatitis。"

SomefortyminuteslaterJamesCushat-Prinklyreturnedtothebosomofhisfamily，bearinganimportantpieceofnews。

"I"mengagedtobemarried，"heannounced。

Arapturousoutbreakofcongratulationandself-applausebrokeout。

"Ah，weknew！Wesawitcoming！Weforetolditweeksago！"

"I"llbetyoudidn"t，"saidCushat-Prinkly。"Ifanyonehadtoldmeatlunch-timeto-daythatIwasgoingtoaskRhodaEllamtomarrymeandthatshewasgoingtoacceptmeIwouldhavelaughedattheidea。"

TheromanticsuddennessoftheaffairinsomemeasurecompensatedJames"swomen-folkfortheruthlessnegationofalltheirpatienteffortandskilleddiplomacy。Itwasrathertryingtohavetodeflecttheirenthusiasmatamoment"snoticefromJoanSebastabletoRhodaEllam；but，afterall，itwasJames"swifewhowasinquestion，andhistasteshadsomeclaimtobeconsidered。

OnaSeptemberafternoonofthesameyear，afterthehoneymooninMinorcahadended，Cushat-Prinklycameintothedrawing-roomofhisnewhouseinGranchesterSquare。Rhodawasseatedatalowtable，behindaserviceofdaintyporcelainandgleamingsilver。Therewasapleasanttinklingnoteinhervoiceasshehandedhimacup。

"Youlikeitweakerthanthat，don"tyou？ShallIputsomemorehotwatertoit？No？"

THEDISAPPEARANCEOFCRISPINAUMBERLEIGH

Inafirst-classcarriageofatrainspeedingBalkanwardacrosstheflat，greenHungarianplaintwoBritonssatinfriendly，fitfulconverse。Theyhadfirstforegatheredinthecoldgreydawnatthefrontierline，wherethepresidingeagletakesonanextraheadandTeutonlandspassfromHohenzollerntoHabsburgkeeping——andwhereaprobingofficialbeakrequirestodelveinpoliteandperhapsperfunctory，butalwaystiresome，mannerintothebaggageofsleep-

hungrypassengers。Afteraday"sbreakoftheirjourneyatViennathetravellershadagainforegatheredatthetrainsideandpaidoneanotherthecomplimentofsettlinginstinctivelyintothesamecarriage。Theelderofthetwohadtheappearanceandmannerofadiplomat；inpointoffacthewasthewell-connectedfoster-brotherofawinebusiness。Theotherwascertainlyajournalist。Neithermanwastalkativeandeachwasgratefultotheotherfornotbeingtalkative。Thatiswhyfromtimetotimetheytalked。

Onetopicofconversationnaturallythrustitselfforwardinfrontofallothers。InViennathepreviousdaytheyhadlearnedofthemysteriousvanishingofaworld-famouspicturefromthewallsoftheLouvre。

"Adramaticdisappearanceofthatsortissuretoproduceacropofimitations，"saidtheJournalist。

"Ithashadalotofanticipations，forthematterofthat，"saidtheWine-brother。

"Oh，ofcoursetherehavebeentheftsfromtheLouvrebefore。"

"Iwasthinkingofthespiritingawayofhumanbeingsratherthanpictures。InparticularIwasthinkingofthecaseofmyaunt，CrispinaUmberleigh。"

"Irememberhearingsomethingoftheaffair，"saidtheJournalist，"butIwasawayfromEnglandatthetime。Ineverquiteknewwhatwassupposedtohavehappened。"

"Youmayhearwhatreallyhappenedifyouwillrespectitasaconfidence，"saidtheWineMerchant。"InthefirstplaceImaysaythatthedisappearanceofMrs。Umberleighwasnotregardedbythefamilyentirelyasabereavement。Myuncle，EdwardUmberleigh，wasnotbyanymeansaweak-kneedindividual，infactintheworldofpoliticshehadtobereckonedwithmoreorlessasastrongman，buthewasunmistakablydominatedbyCrispina；indeedInevermetanyhumanbeingwhowasnotfrozenintosubjectionwhenbroughtintoprolongedcontactwithher。Somepeopleareborntocommand；

CrispinaMrs。Umberleighwasborntolegislate，codify，administrate，censor，license，ban，execute，andsitinjudgementgenerally。Ifshewasnotbornwiththatdestinysheadopteditatanearlyage。Fromthekitchenregionsupwardseveryoneinthehouseholdcameunderherdespoticswayandstayedtherewiththesubmissivenessofmolluscsinvolvedinaglacialepoch。Asanephewonafootingofonlyoccasionalvisitssheaffectedmemerelyasanepidemic，disagreeablewhileitlasted，butwithoutanypermanenteffect；butherownsonsanddaughtersstoodinmortalaweofher；

theirstudies，friendships，diet，amusements，religiousobservances，andwayofdoingtheirhairwereallregulatedandordainedaccordingtotheaugustlady"swillandpleasure。Thiswillhelpyoutounderstandthesensationofstupefactionwhichwascausedinthefamilywhensheunobtrusivelyandinexplicablyvanished。ItwasasthoughSt。Paul"sCathedralorthePiccadillyHotelhaddisappearedinthenight，leavingnothingbutanopenspacetomarkwhereithadstood。Asfaraswasknownnothingwastroublingher；

infacttherewasmuchbeforehertomakelifeparticularlywellworthliving。Theyoungestboyhadcomebackfromschoolwithanunsatisfactoryreport，andshewastohavesatinjudgementonhimtheveryafternoonofthedayshedisappeared——ifithadbeenhewhohadvanishedinahurryonecouldhavesuppliedthemotive。Thenshewasinthemiddleofanewspapercorrespondencewitharuraldeaninwhichshehadalreadyprovedhimguiltyofheresy，inconsistency，andunworthyquibbling，andnoordinaryconsiderationwouldhaveinducedhertodiscontinuethecontroversy。Ofcoursethematterwasputinthehandsofthepolice，butasfaraspossibleitwaskeptoutofthepapers，andthegenerallyacceptedexplanationofherwithdrawalfromhersocialcirclewasthatshehadgoneintoanursinghome。"

"Andwhatwastheimmediateeffectonthehomecircle？"askedtheJournalist。

"Allthegirlsboughtthemselvesbicycles；thefemininecyclingcrazewasstillinexistence，andCrispinahadrigidlyvetoedanyparticipationinitamongthemembersofherhousehold。Theyoungestboylethimselfgotosuchanextentduringhisnexttermthatithadtobehislastasfarasthatparticularestablishmentwasconcerned。Theelderboyspropoundedatheorythattheirmothermightbewanderingsomewhereabroad，andsearchedforherassiduously，chiefly，itmustbeadmitted，inaclassofMontmartreresortwhereitwasextremelyimprobablethatshewouldbefound。"

"Andallthiswhilecouldn"tyourunclegetholdoftheleastclue？"

"Asamatteroffacthehadreceivedsomeinformation，thoughofcourseIdidnotknowofitatthetime。Hegotamessageonedaytellinghimthathiswifehadbeenkidnappedandsmuggledoutofthecountry；shewassaidtobehiddenaway，inoneoftheislandsoffthecoastofNorwayIthinkitwas，incomfortablesurroundingsandwellcaredfor。Andwiththeinformationcameademandformoney；alumpsumof2000poundswastobepaidyearly。Failingthisshewouldbeimmediatelyrestoredtoherfamily。"

TheJournalistwassilentforamoment，andthembegantolaughquietly。

"Itwascertainlyaninvertedformofholdingtoransom，"hesaid。

"Ifyouhadknownmyaunt，"saidtheWineMerchant，"youwouldhavewonderedthattheydidn"tputthefigurehigher。"

"Irealisethetemptation。Didyourunclesuccumbtoit？"

"Well，yousee，hehadtothinkofothersaswellashimself。ForthefamilytohavegonebackintotheCrispinathraldomafterhavingtastedthedelightsoflibertywouldhavebeenatragedy，andtherewereevenwiderconsiderationstobetakenintoaccount。Sincehisbereavementhehadunconsciouslytakenupafarbolderandmoreinitiatorylineinpublicaffairs，andhispopularityandinfluencehadincreasedcorrespondingly。Frombeingmerelyastrongmaninthepoliticalworldhebegantobespokenofasthestrongman。AllthisheknewwouldbejeopardisedifheoncemoredroppedintothesocialpositionofthehusbandofMrs。Umberleigh。Hewasarichman，andthe2000poundsayear，thoughnotexactlyafleabite，didnotseemanextravagantpricetopayfortheboarding-outofCrispina。Ofcourse，hehadseverequalmsofconscienceaboutthearrangement。Lateron，whenhetookmeintohisconfidence，hetoldmethatinpayingtheransom，orhush-moneyasIshouldhavecalledit，hewaspartlyinfluencedbythefearthatifherefuseditthekidnappersmighthaveventedtheirrageanddisappointmentontheircaptive。Itwasbetter，hesaid，tothinkofherbeingwellcaredforasahighly-valuedpaying-guestinoneoftheLofodenIslandsthantohaveherstrugglingmiserablyhomeinamaimedandmutilatedcondition。Anywayhepaidtheyearlyinstalmentaspunctuallyasonepaysafireinsurance，andwithequalpromptitudetherewouldcomeanacknowledgmentofthemoneyandabriefstatementtotheeffectthatCrispinawasingoodhealthandfairlycheerfulspirits。

OnereportevenmentionedthatshewasbusyingherselfwithaschemeforproposedreformsinChurchmanagementtobepressedonthelocalpastorate。Anotherspokeofarheumaticattackandajourneytoa"cure"onthemainland，andonthatoccasionanadditionaleightypoundswasdemandedandconceded。Ofcourseitwastotheinterestofthekidnapperstokeeptheirchargeingoodhealth，butthesecrecywithwhichtheymanagedtoshroudtheirarrangementsarguedareallywonderfulorganisation。Ifmyunclewaspayingaratherhighprice，atleasthecouldconsolehimselfwiththereflectionthathewaspayingspecialists"fees。"

"Meanwhilehadthepolicegivenupallattemptstotrackthemissinglady？"askedtheJournalist。

"Notentirely；theycametomyunclefromtimetotimetoreportonclueswhichtheythoughtmightyieldsomeelucidationastoherfateorwhereabouts，butIthinktheyhadtheirsuspicionsthathewaspossessedofmoreinformationthanhehadputattheirdisposal。

Andthen，afteradisappearanceofmorethaneightyears，Crispinareturnedwithdramaticsuddennesstothehomeshehadleftsomysteriously。"

"Shehadgivenhercaptorstheslip？"

"Shehadneverbeencaptured。Herwanderingawayhadbeencausedbyasuddenandcompletelossofmemory。Sheusuallydressedratherinthestyleofasuperiorkindofcharwoman，anditwasnotsoverysurprisingthatsheshouldhaveimaginedthatshewasone；andstilllessthatpeopleshouldacceptherstatementandhelphertogetwork。ShehadwanderedasfarafieldasBirmingham，andfoundfairlysteadyemploymentthere，herenergyandenthusiasminputtingpeople"sroomsinordercounterbalancingherobstinateanddomineeringcharacteristics。Itwastheshockofbeingpatronisinglyaddressedas"mygoodwoman"byacurate，whowasdisputingwithherwherethestoveshouldbeplacedinaparishconcerthallthatledtothesuddenrestorationofhermemory。"I

thinkyouforgetwhoyouarespeakingto，"sheobservedcrushingly，whichwasratherundulysevere，consideringshehadonlyjustremembereditherself。"

"But，"exclaimedtheJournalist，"theLofodenIslandpeople！Whohadtheygotholdof？"

"Apurelymythicalprisoner。Itwasanattemptinthefirstplacebysomeonewhoknewsomethingofthedomesticsituation，probablyadischargedvalet，tobluffalumpsumoutofEdwardUmberleighbeforethemissingwomanturnedup；thesubsequentyearlyinstalmentswereanunlooked-forincrementtotheoriginalhaul。

"Crispinafoundthattheeightyears"interregnumhadmateriallyweakenedherascendancyoverhernowgrown-upoffspring。Herhusband，however，neveraccomplishedanythinggreatinthepoliticalworldafterherreturn；thestrainoftryingtoaccountsatisfactorilyforanunspecifiedexpenditureofsixteenthousandpoundsspreadovereightyearssufficientlyoccupiedhismentalenergies。HereisBelgradandanothercustomhouse。"

THEWOLVESOFCERNOGRATZ

"Aretheyanyoldlegendsattachedtothecastle？"askedConradofhissister。ConradwasaprosperousHamburgmerchant，buthewastheonepoetically-dispositionedmemberofaneminentlypracticalfamily。

TheBaronessGruebelshruggedherplumpshoulders。

"Therearealwayslegendshangingabouttheseoldplaces。Theyarenotdifficulttoinventandtheycostnothing。Inthiscasethereisastorythatwhenanyonediesinthecastleallthedogsinthevillageandthewildbeastsinforesthowlthenightlong。Itwouldnotbepleasanttolistento，wouldit？"

"Itwouldbeweirdandromantic，"saidtheHamburgmerchant。