第5章

"Itoccurredtome，"themajorwouldbegin——hewasalwaysceremonious——

"thatperhapsyoumighthavefoundyourdutiesatthe——atyourplaceofoccupation——sufficientlyarduoustoenableyou，Mr。Hargraves，toappreciatewhatthepoetmightwellhavehadinhismindwhenhewrote，’tiredNature’ssweetrestorer，’——oneofourSouthernjuleps。"

ItwasafascinationtoHargravestowatchhimmakeit。Hetookrankamongartistswhenhebegan，andhenevervariedtheprocess。Withwhatdelicacyhebruisedthemint；withwhatexquisitenicetyheestimatedtheingredients；withwhatsolicitouscarehecappedthecompoundwiththescarletfruitglowingagainstthedarkgreenfringe！Andthenthehospitalityandgracewithwhichheofferedit，aftertheselectedoatstrawshadbeenplungedintoitstinklingdepths！

AfteraboutfourmonthsinWashington，MissLydiadiscoveredonemorningthattheywerealmostwithoutmoney。The"AnecdotesandReminiscences"

wascompleted，butpublishershadnotjumpedatthecollectedgemsofAlabamasenseandwit。TherentalofasmallhousewhichtheystillownedinMobilewastwomonthsinarrears。Theirboardmoneyforthemonthwouldbedueinthreedays。MissLydiacalledherfathertoaconsultation。

"Nomoney？"saidhewithasurprisedlook。"Itisquiteannoyingtobecalledonsofrequentlyforthesepettysums。Really，I——"

Themajorsearchedhispockets。Hefoundonlyatwo-dollarbill，whichhereturnedtohisvestpocket。

"Imustattendtothisatonce，Lydia，"hesaid。"KindlygetmemyumbrellaandIwillgodowntownimmediately。Thecongressmanfromourdistrict，GeneralFulghum，assuredmesomedaysagothathewouldusehisinfluencetogetmybookpublishedatanearlydate。Iwillgotohishotelatonceandseewhatarrangementhasbeenmade。"

WithasadlittlesmileMissLydiawatchedhimbuttonhis"FatherHubbard"

anddepart，pausingatthedoor，ashealwaysdid，tobowprofoundly。

Thatevening，atdark，hereturned。ItseemedthatCongressmanFulghumhadseenthepublisherwhohadthemajor’smanuscriptforreading。Thatpersonhadsaidthatiftheanecdotes，etc。，werecarefullypruneddownaboutonehalf，inordertoeliminatethesectionalandclassprejudicewithwhichthebookwasdyedfromendtoend，hemightconsideritspublication。

Themajorwasinawhiteheatofanger，butregainedhisequanimity，accordingtohiscodeofmanners，assoonashewasinMissLydia’spresence。

"Wemusthavemoney，"saidMissLydia，withalittlewrinkleabovehernose。"Givemethetwodollars，andIwilltelegraphtoUncleRalphforsometo-night。"

Themajordrewasmallenvelopefromhisuppervestpocketandtosseditonthetable。

"Perhapsitwasinjudicious，"hesaidmildly，"butthesumwassomerelynominalthatIboughtticketstothetheatreto-night。It’sanewwardrama，Lydia。IthoughtyouwouldbepleasedtowitnessitsfirstproductioninWashington。IamtoldthattheSouthhasveryfairtreatmentintheplay。IconfessIshouldliketoseetheperformancemyself。"

MissLydiathrewupherhandsinsilentdespair。

Still，astheticketswerebought，theymightaswellbeused。Sothatevening，astheysatinthetheatrelisteningtothelivelyoverture，evenMissLydiawasmindedtorelegatetheirtroubles，forthehour，tosecondplace。Themajor，inspotlesslinen，withhisextraordinarycoatshowingonlywhereitwascloselybuttoned，andhiswhitehairsmoothlyroached，lookedreallyfineanddistinguished。Thecurtainwentuponthefirstactof"AMagnoliaFlower，"revealingatypicalSouthernplantationscene。MajorTalbotbetrayedsomeinterest。

"Oh，see！"exclaimedMissLydia，nudginghisarm，andpointingtoherprogramme。

Themajorputonhisglassesandreadthelineinthecastofcharactersthatherfingerindicated。

Col。WebsterCalhoun……H。HopkinsHargraves。

"It’sourMr。Hargraves，"saidMissLydia。"Itmustbehisfirstappearanceinwhathecalls’thelegitimate。’I’msogladforhim。"

NotuntilthesecondactdidCol。WebsterCalhounappearuponthestage。

WhenhemadehisentryMajorTalbotgaveanaudiblesniff，glaredathim，andseemedtofreezesolid。MissLydiautteredalittle，ambiguoussqueakandcrumpledherprogrammeinherhand。ForColonelCalhounwasmadeupasnearlyresemblingMajorTalbotasonepeadoesanother。Thelong，thinwhitehair，curlyattheends，thearistocraticbeakofanose，thecrumpled，wide，ravellingshirtfront，thestringtie，withthebownearlyunderoneear，werealmostexactlyduplicated。Andthen，toclinchtheimitation，heworethetwintothemajor’ssupposedtobeunparalleledcoat。High-collared，baggy，empire-waisted，ample-skirted，hangingafootlowerinfrontthanbehind，thegarmentcouldhavebeendesignedfromnootherpattern。Fromthenon，themajorandMissLydiasatbewitched，andsawthecounterfeitpresentmentofahaughtyTalbot"dragged，"asthemajorafterwardexpressedit，"throughtheslanderousmireofacorruptstage。"

Mr。Hargraveshadusedhisopportunitieswell。Hehadcaughtthemajor’slittleidiosyncrasiesofspeech，accent，andintonationandhispompouscourtlinesstoperfection——exaggeratingalltothepurposesofthestage。Whenheperformedthatmarvellousbowthatthemajorfondlyimaginedtobethepinkofallsalutations，theaudiencesentforthasuddenroundofheartyapplause。

MissLydiasatimmovable，notdaringtoglancetowardherfather。

Sometimesherhandnexttohimwouldbelaidagainsthercheek，asiftoconcealthesmilewhich，inspiteofherdisapproval，shecouldnotentirelysuppress。

TheculminationofHargraves’saudaciousimitationtookplaceinthethirdact。ThesceneiswhereColonelCalhounentertainsafewoftheneighbouringplantersinhis"den。"

Standingatatableinthecentreofthestage，withhisfriendsgroupedabouthim，hedeliversthatinimitable，rambling，charactermonologuesofamousin"AMagnoliaFlower，"atthesametimethathedeftlymakesjulepsfortheparty。

MajorTalbot，sittingquietly，butwhitewithindignation，heardhisbeststoriesretold，hispettheoriesandhobbiesadvancedandexpanded，andthedreamofthe"AnecdotesandReminiscences"served，exaggeratedandgarbled。Hisfavouritenarrative——thatofhisduelwithRathboneCulbertson——wasnotomitted，anditwasdeliveredwithmorefire，egotism，andgustothanthemajorhimselfputintoit。

Themonologueconcludedwithaquaint，delicious，wittylittlelectureontheartofconcoctingajulep，illustratedbytheact。HereMajorTalbot’sdelicatebutshowysciencewasreproducedtoahair’sbreadth——

fromhisdaintyhandlingofthefragrantweed——"theone-thousandthpartofagraintoomuchpressure，gentlemen，andyouextractthebitterness，insteadofthearoma，ofthisheaven-bestowedplant"——tohissolicitousselectionoftheoatenstraws。

Atthecloseofthescenetheaudienceraisedatumultuousroarofappreciation。Theportrayalofthetypewassoexact，sosureandthorough，thattheleadingcharactersintheplaywereforgotten。Afterrepeatedcalls，Hargravescamebeforethecurtainandbowed，hisratherboyishfacebrightandflushedwiththeknowledgeofsuccess。

AtlastMissLydiaturnedandlookedatthemajor。Histhinnostrilswereworkinglikethegillsofafish。Helaidbothshakinghandsuponthearmsofhischairtorise。

"Wewillgo，Lydia，"hesaidchokingly。"Thisisanabominable——

desecration。"

Beforehecouldrise，shepulledhimbackintohisseat。"Wewillstayitout，"shedeclared。"Doyouwanttoadvertisethecopybyexhibitingtheoriginalcoat？"Sotheyremainedtotheend。

Hargraves’ssuccessmusthavekepthimuplatethatnight，forneitheratthebreakfastnoratthedinnertabledidheappear。

AboutthreeintheafternoonhetappedatthedoorofMajorTalbot’sstudy。Themajoropenedit，andHargraveswalkedinwithhishandsfullofthemorningpapers——toofullofhistriumphtonoticeanythingunusualinthemajor’sdemeanour。

"Iputitallover’emlastnight，major，"hebeganexultantly。"Ihadmyinning，and，Ithink，scored。Here’swhatthe_Post_says：

Hisconceptionandportrayaloftheold-timeSoutherncolonel，withhisabsurdgrandiloquence，hiseccentricgarb，hisquaintidiomsandphrases，hismoth-eatenprideoffamily，andhisreallykindheart，fastidioussenseofhonour，andlovablesimplicity，isthebestdelineationofacharacterroleontheboardsto-day。ThecoatwornbyColonelCalhounisitselfnothinglessthananevolutionofgenius。Mr。Hargraveshascapturedhispublic。

"Howdoesthatsound，major，forafirstnighter？"

"Ihadthehonour"——themajor’svoicesoundedominouslyfrigid——"ofwitnessingyourveryremarkableperformance，sir，lastnight。"

Hargraveslookeddisconcerted。

"Youwerethere？Ididn’tknowyouever——Ididn’tknowyoucaredforthetheatre。Oh，Isay，MajorTalbot，"heexclaimedfrankly，"don’tyoubeoffended。IadmitIdidgetalotofpointersfromyouthathelpedmeoutwonderfullyinthepart。Butit’satype，youknow——notindividual。Thewaytheaudiencecaughtonshowsthat。HalfthepatronsofthattheatreareSoutherners。Theyrecognizedit。"

"Mr。Hargraves，"saidthemajor，whohadremainedstanding，"youhaveputuponmeanunpardonableinsult。Youhaveburlesquedmyperson，grosslybetrayedmyconfidence，andmisusedmyhospitality。IfIthoughtyoupossessedthefaintestconceptionofwhatisthesignmanualofagentleman，orwhatisdueone，Iwouldcallyouout，sir，oldasIam。I

willaskyoutoleavetheroom，sir。"

Theactorappearedtobeslightlybewildered，andseemedhardlytotakeinthefullmeaningoftheoldgentleman’swords。

"Iamtrulysorryyoutookoffence，"hesaidregretfully。"Upherewedon’tlookatthingsjustasyoupeopledo。Iknowmenwhowouldbuyouthalfthehousetohavetheirpersonalityputonthestagesothepublicwouldrecognizeit。"

"TheyarenotfromAlabama，sir，"saidthemajorhaughtily。

"Perhapsnot。Ihaveaprettygoodmemory，major；letmequoteafewlinesfromyourbook。Inresponsetoatoastatabanquetgivenin——

Milledgeville，Ibelieve——youuttered，andintendtohaveprinted，thesewords：

TheNorthernmanisutterlywithoutsentimentorwarmthexceptinsofarasthefeelingsmaybeturnedtohisowncommercialprofit。Hewillsufferwithoutresentmentanyimputationcastuponthehonourofhimselforhislovedonesthatdoesnotbearwithittheconsequenceofpecuniaryloss。Inhischarity，hegiveswithaliberalhand；butitmustbeheraldedwiththetrumpetandchronicledinbrass。

"DoyouthinkthatpictureisfairerthantheoneyousawofColonelCalhounlastnight？"

"Thedescription，"saidthemajorfrowning，"is——notwithoutgrounds。

Someexag——latitudemustbeallowedinpublicspeaking。"

"Andinpublicacting，"repliedHargraves。

"Thatisnotthepoint，"persistedthemajor，unrelenting。"Itwasapersonalcaricature。Ipositivelydeclinetooverlookit，sir。"

"MajorTalbot，"saidHargraves，withawinningsmile，"Iwishyouwouldunderstandme。IwantyoutoknowthatIneverdreamedofinsultingyou。

Inmyprofession，alllifebelongstome。ItakewhatIwant，andwhatI

can，andreturnitoverthefootlights。Now，ifyouwill，let’sletitgoatthat。Icameintoseeyouaboutsomethingelse。We’vebeenprettygoodfriendsforsomemonths，andI’mgoingtotaketheriskofoffendingyouagain。Iknowyouarehardupformoney——nevermindhowIfoundout；aboardinghouseisnoplacetokeepsuchmatterssecret——andI

wantyoutoletmehelpyououtofthepinch。I’vebeenthereoftenenoughmyself。I’vebeengettingafairsalaryalltheseason，andI’vesavedsomemoney。You’rewelcometoacouplehundred——orevenmore——

untilyouget——"

"Stop！"commandedthemajor，withhisarmoutstretched。"Itseemsthatmybookdidn’tlie，afterall。Youthinkyourmoneysalvewillhealallthehurtsofhonour。UndernocircumstanceswouldIacceptaloanfromacasualacquaintance；andastoyou，sir，IwouldstarvebeforeIwouldconsideryourinsultingofferofafinancialadjustmentofthecircumstanceswehavediscussed。Ibegtorepeatmyrequestrelativetoyourquittingtheapartment。"

Hargravestookhisdeparturewithoutanotherword。Healsoleftthehousethesameday，moving，asMrs。Vardemanexplainedatthesuppertable，nearerthevicinityofthedown-towntheatre，where"AMagnoliaFlower"

wasbookedforaweek’srun。

CriticalwasthesituationwithMajorTalbotandMissLydia。TherewasnooneinWashingtontowhomthemajor’sscruplesallowedhimtoapplyforaloan。MissLydiawrotealettertoUncleRalph，butitwasdoubtfulwhetherthatrelative’sconstrictedaffairswouldpermithimtofurnishhelp。ThemajorwasforcedtomakeanapologeticaddresstoMrs。Vardemanregardingthedelayedpaymentforboard，referringto"delinquentrentals"

and"delayedremittances"inaratherconfusedstrain。

Deliverancecamefromanentirelyunexpectedsource。

LateoneafternoonthedoormaidcameupandannouncedanoldcolouredmanwhowantedtoseeMajorTalbot。Themajoraskedthathebesentuptohisstudy。Soonanolddarkeyappearedinthedoorway，withhishatinhand，bowing，andscrapingwithoneclumsyfoot。Hewasquitedecentlydressedinabaggysuitofblack。Hisbig，coarseshoesshonewithametalliclustresuggestiveofstovepolish。Hisbushywoolwasgray——almostwhite。Aftermiddlelife，itisdifficulttoestimatetheageofaNegro。ThisonemighthaveseenasmanyyearsashadMajorTalbot。

"Ibeboundyoudon’tknowme，Mars’Pendleton，"werehisfirstwords。

Themajorroseandcameforwardattheold，familiarstyleofaddress。Itwasoneoftheoldplantationdarkeyswithoutadoubt；buttheyhadbeenwidelyscattered，andhecouldnotrecallthevoiceorface。

"Idon’tbelieveIdo，"hesaidkindly——"unlessyouwillassistmymemory。"

"Don’tyou’memberCindy’sMose，Mars’Pendleton，what’migrated’mediatelyafterdewar？"

"Waitamoment，"saidthemajor，rubbinghisforeheadwiththetipsofhisfingers。Helovedtorecalleverythingconnectedwiththosebeloveddays。"Cindy’sMose，"hereflected。"Youworkedamongthehorses——

breakingthecolts。Yes，Iremembernow。Afterthesurrender，youtookthenameof——don’tpromptme——Mitchell，andwenttotheWest——toNebraska。"

"Yassir，yassir，"——theoldman’sfacestretchedwithadelightedgrin——

"dat’shim，dat’sit。Newbraska。Dat’sme——MoseMitchell。OldUncleMoseMitchell，deycallsmenow。Oldmars’，yourpa，gimmeapahofdemmulecoltswhenIlef’furtostahtmegoin’with。You’memberdemcolts，Mars’Pendleton？"

"Idon’tseemtorecallthecolts，"saidthemajor。"YouknowIwasmarriedthefirstyearofthewarandlivingattheoldFollinsbeeplace。

Butsitdown，sitdown，UncleMose。I’mgladtoseeyou。Ihopeyouhaveprospered。"

UncleMosetookachairandlaidhishatcarefullyonthefloorbesideit。

"Yassir；oflateIdonemoutyfamous。WhenIfirstgottoNewbraska，deyfolkscomeallroun’metoseedemmulecolts。Deyain’tseenomuleslikedeminNewbraska。Isolddemmulesforthreehundreddollars。

Yassir——threehundred。

"DenIopenablacksmithshop，suh，andmadesomemoneyandboughtsomelan’。Meandmyold’omandoneraisedupseb’mchillun，andalldoin’

well’cepttwoof’emwhatdied。Fo’yearagoarailroadcomealongandstahtatownslamag’instmylan’，and，suh，Mars’Pendleton，UncleMoseamworthleb’mthousanddollarsinmoney，property，andlan’。"

"I’mgladtohearit，"saidthemajorheartily。"Gladtohearit。"

"Anddatlittlebabyofyo’n，Mars’Pendleton——onewhatyounameMissLyddy——Ibebounddatlittletaddonegroweduptellnobodywouldn’tknowher。"

Themajorsteppedtothedoorandcalled："Lydia，dear，willyoucome？"

MissLydia，lookingquitegrownupandalittleworried，cameinfromherroom。

"Dar，now！What’dItellyou？Iknoweddatbabydonebeplumgrowedup。

Youdon’t’memberUncleMose，child？"

"ThisisAuntCindy’sMose，Lydia，"explainedthemajor。"HeleftSunnymeadfortheWestwhenyouweretwoyearsold。"

"Well，"saidMissLydia，"Icanhardlybeexpectedtorememberyou，UncleMose，atthatage。And，asyousay，I’m’plumgrowedup，’andwasablessedlongtimeago。ButI’mgladtoseeyou，evenifIcan’trememberyou。"

Andshewas。Andsowasthemajor。Somethingaliveandtangiblehadcometolinkthemwiththehappypast。Thethreesatandtalkedovertheoldentimes，themajorandUncleMosecorrectingorpromptingeachotherastheyreviewedtheplantationscenesanddays。

Themajorinquiredwhattheoldmanwasdoingsofarfromhishome。

"UncleMoseamadelicate，"heexplained，"todegrandBaptis’conventionindiscity。Ineverpreachednone，butbein’aresidin’elderindechurch，andablefurtopaymyownexpenses，deysentmealong。"

"AndhowdidyouknowwewereinWashington？"inquiredMissLydia。

"Dey’saculludmanworksindehotelwharIstops，whatcomesfromMobile。HetoldmeheseenMars’Pendletoncomin’outendishherehouseonemawnin’。

"WhatIcomefur，"continuedUncleMose，reachingintohispocket——

"besidesdesightofhomefolks——wastopayMars’PendletonwhatIoweshim。"

"Oweme？"saidthemajor，insurprise。

"Yassir——threehundreddollars。"Hehandedthemajorarollofbills。

"WhenIlef’oldmars’says：’Takedemmulecolts，Mose，and，ifitbesoyougitsable，payfur’em’。Yassir——demwashiswords。Dewarhaddonelef’oldmars’po’hisself。Oldmars’bein’’longagodead，dedebtdescendstoMars’Pendleton。Threehundreddollars。UncleMoseisplentyabletopaynow。Whendatrailroadbuymylan’Ilaidofftopayfurdemmules。Countdemoney，Mars’Pendleton。Dat’swhatIsolddemmulesfur。Yassir。"

TearswereinMajorTalbot’seyes。HetookUncleMose’shandandlaidhisotheruponhisshoulder。

"Dear，faithful，oldservitor，"hesaidinanunsteadyvoice，"Idon’tmindsayingtoyouthat’Mars’Pendleton’spenthislastdollarintheworldaweekago。Wewillacceptthismoney，UncleMose，since，inaway，itisasortofpayment，aswellasatokenoftheloyaltyanddevotionoftheoldregime。Lydia，mydear，takethemoney。YouarebetterfittedthanItomanageitsexpenditure。"

"Takeit，honey，"saidUncleMose。"Hitbelongstoyou。Hit’sTalbotmoney。"

AfterUncleMosehadgone，MissLydiahadagoodcry——forjoy；andthemajorturnedhisfacetoacorner，andsmokedhisclaypipevolcanically。

ThesucceedingdayssawtheTalbotsrestoredtopeaceandease。MissLydia’sfacelostitsworriedlook。Themajorappearedinanewfrockcoat，inwhichhelookedlikeawaxfigurepersonifyingthememoryofhisgoldenage。Anotherpublisherwhoreadthemanuscriptofthe"AnecdotesandReminiscences"thoughtthat，withalittleretouchingandtoningdownofthehighlights，hecouldmakeareallybrightandsalablevolumeofit。Altogether，thesituationwascomfortable，andnotwithoutthetouchofhopethatisoftensweeterthanarrivedblessings。

Oneday，aboutaweekaftertheirpieceofgoodluck，amaidbroughtaletterforMissLydiatoherroom。ThepostmarkshowedthatitwasfromNewYork。Notknowinganyonethere，MissLydia，inamildflutterofwonder，satdownbyhertableandopenedtheletterwithherscissors。

Thiswaswhatsheread：

DearMissTalbot：

Ithoughtyoumightbegladtolearnofmygoodfortune。IhavereceivedandacceptedanofferoftwohundreddollarsperweekbyaNewYorkstockcompanytoplayColonelCalhounin"AMagnoliaFlower。"

ThereissomethingelseIwantedyoutoknow。Iguessyou’dbetternottellMajorTalbot。Iwasanxioustomakehimsomeamendsforthegreathelphewastomeinstudyingthepart，andforthebadhumourhewasinaboutit。Herefusedtoletme，soIdiditanyhow。Icouldeasilysparethethreehundred。

Sincerelyyours，H。HopkinsHargraves，P。S。HowdidIplayUncleMose？

MajorTalbot，passingthroughthehall，sawMissLydia’sdooropenandstopped。

"Anymailforusthismorning，Lydia，dear？"heasked。

MissLydiaslidtheletterbeneathafoldofherdress。

"The_MobileChronicle_came，"shesaidpromptly。"It’sonthetableinyourstudy。"

XIVLETMEFEELYOURPULSE

SoIwenttoadoctor。

"Howlonghasitbeensinceyoutookanyalcoholintoyoursystem？"heasked。

Turningmyheadsidewise，Ianswered，"Oh，quiteawhile。"

Hewasayoungdoctor，somewherebetweentwentyandforty。Heworeheliotropesocks，buthelookedlikeNapoleon。Ilikedhimimmensely。

"Now，"saidhe，"Iamgoingtoshowyoutheeffectofalcoholuponyourcirculation。"Ithinkitwas"circulation"hesaid；thoughitmayhavebeen"advertising。"

Hebaredmyleftarmtotheelbow，broughtoutabottleofwhiskey，andgavemeadrink。HebegantolookmorelikeNapoleon。Ibegantolikehimbetter。

Thenheputatightcompressonmyupperarm，stoppedmypulsewithhisfingers，andsqueezedarubberbulbconnectedwithanapparatusonastandthatlookedlikeathermometer。Themercuryjumpedupanddownwithoutseemingtostopanywhere；butthedoctorsaiditregisteredtwohundredandthirty-sevenoronehundredandsixty-fiveorsomesuchnumber。

"Now，"saidhe，"youseewhatalcoholdoestotheblood-pressure。"

"It’smarvellous，"saidI，"butdoyouthinkitasufficienttest？Haveoneonme，andlet’strytheotherarm。"But，no！

Thenhegraspedmyhand。IthoughtIwasdoomedandhewassayinggood-bye。Butallhewantedtodowastojabaneedleintotheendofafingerandcomparethereddropwithalotoffifty-centpokerchipsthathehadfastenedtoacard。

"It’sthehaemoglobintest，"heexplained。"Thecolourofyourbloodiswrong。"

"Well，"saidI，"Iknowitshouldbeblue；butthisisacountryofmix-ups。Someofmyancestorswerecavaliers；buttheygotthickwithsomepeopleonNantucketIsland，so——"

"Imean，"saidthedoctor，"thattheshadeofredistoolight。"

"Oh，"saidI，"it’sacaseofmatchinginsteadofmatches。"

Thedoctorthenpoundedmeseverelyintheregionofthechest。WhenhedidthatIdon’tknowwhetherheremindedmemostofNapoleonorBattlingorLordNelson。Thenhelookedgraveandmentionedastringofgrievancesthatthefleshisheirto——mostlyendingin"itis。"Iimmediatelypaidhimfifteendollarsonaccount。

"Isorareitorsomeoranyofthemnecessarilyfatal？"Iasked。I

thoughtmyconnectionwiththematterjustifiedmymanifestingacertainamountofinterest。

"Allofthem，"heansweredcheerfully。"Buttheirprogressmaybearrested。Withcareandpropercontinuoustreatmentyoumaylivetobeeighty-fiveorninety。"

Ibegantothinkofthedoctor’sbill。"Eighty-fivewouldbesufficient，Iamsure，"wasmycomment。Ipaidhimtendollarsmoreonaccount。

"Thefirstthingtodo，"hesaid，withrenewedanimation，"istofindasanitariumwhereyouwillgetacompleterestforawhile，andallowyournervestogetintoabettercondition。Imyselfwillgowithyouandselectasuitableone。

Sohetookmetoamad-houseintheCatskills。Itwasonabaremountainfrequentedonlybyinfrequentfrequenters。Youcouldseenothingbutstonesandboulders，somepatchesofsnow，andscatteredpinetrees。Theyoungphysicianinchargewasmostagreeable。Hegavemeastimulantwithoutapplyingacompresstothearm。Itwasluncheontime，andwewereinvitedtopartake。Therewereabouttwentyinmatesatlittletablesinthediningroom。Theyoungphysicianinchargecametoourtableandsaid："Itisacustomwithourguestsnottoregardthemselvesaspatients，hutmerelyastiredladiesandgentlementakingarest。

Whateverslightmaladiestheymayhaveareneveralludedtoinconversation。"

Mydoctorcalledloudlytoawaitresstobringsomephosphoglycerateoflimehash，dog-bread，bromo-seltzerpancakes，andnuxvomicateaformyrepast。Thenasoundaroselikeasuddenwindstormamongpinetrees。Itwasproducedbyeveryguestintheroomwhisperingloudly，"Neurasthenia！"

——exceptonemanwithanose，whomIdistinctlyheardsay，"Chronicalcoholism。"Ihopetomeethimagain。Thephysicianinchargeturnedandwalkedaway。

Anhourorsoafterluncheonheconductedustotheworkshop——sayfiftyyardsfromthehouse。Thithertheguestshadbeenconductedbythephysicianincharge’sunderstudyandsponge-holder——amanwithfeetandabluesweater。HewassotallthatIwasnotsurehehadaface；huttheArmourPackingCompanywouldhavebeendelightedwithhishands。

"Here，"saidthephysicianincharge，"ourguestsfindrelaxationfrompastmentalworriesbydevotingthemselvestophysicallabour——

recreation，inreality。"

Therewereturning-lathes，carpenters’outfits，clay-modellingtools，spinning-wheels，weaving-frames，treadmills，bassdrums，enlarged-crayon-portraitapparatuses，blacksmithforges，andeverything，seemingly，thatcouldinterestthepayinglunaticguestsofafirst-ratesanitarium。

"Theladymakingmudpiesinthecorner，"whisperedthephysicianincharge，"isnootherthan——LulaLulington，theauthoressofthenovelentitled’WhyLoveLoves。’Whatsheisdoingnowissimplytoresthermindafterperformingthatpieceofwork。"

Ihadseenthebook。"Whydoesn’tshedoitbywritinganotheroneinstead？"Iasked。

Asyousee，Iwasn’tasfargoneastheythoughtIwas。

"Thegentlemanpouringwaterthroughthefunnel，"continuedthephysicianincharge，"isaWallStreetbrokerbrokendownfromoverwork。"

Ibuttonedmycoat。

OthershepointedoutwerearchitectsplayingwithNoah’sarks，ministersreadingDarwin’s"TheoryofEvolution，"lawyerssawingwood，tired-outsocietyladiestalkingIbsentotheblue-sweateredsponge-holder，aneuroticmillionairelyingasleeponthefloor，andaprominentartistdrawingalittleredwagonaroundtheroom。

"Youlookprettystrong，"saidthephysicianinchargetome。"Ithinkthebestmentalrelaxationforyouwouldbethrowingsmallbouldersoverthemountainsideandthenbringingthemupagain。"

Iwasahundredyardsawaybeforemydoctorovertookme。

"What’sthematter？"heasked。

"Thematteris，"saidI，"thattherearenoaeroplaneshandy。SoIamgoingtomerrilyandhastilyjogthefoot-pathwaytoyonstationandcatchthefirstunlimited-soft-coalexpressbacktotown。"

"Well，"saidthedoctor，"perhapsyouareright。Thisseemshardlythesuitableplaceforyou。Butwhatyouneedisrest——absoluterestandexercise。"

ThatnightIwenttoahotelinthecity，andsaidtotheclerk："WhatI

needisabsoluterestandexercise。Canyougivemearoomwithoneofthosetallfoldingbedsinit，andarelayofbellboystoworkitupanddownwhileIrest？"

Theclerkrubbedaspeckoffoneofhisfingernailsandglancedsidewiseatatallmaninawhitehatsittinginthelobby。ThatmancameoverandaskedmepolitelyifIhadseentheshrubberyatthewestentrance。Ihadnot，soheshowedittomeandthenlookedmeover。

"Ithoughtyouhad’em，"hesaid，notunkindly，"butIguessyou’reallright。You’dbettergoseeadoctor，oldman。"

Aweekafterwardmydoctortestedmybloodpressureagainwithoutthepreliminarystimulant。HelookedtomealittlelesslikeNapoleon。Andhissockswereofashade，oftanthatdidnotappealtome。

"Whatyouneed，"hedecided，"isseaairandcompanionship。"

"Wouldamermaid——"Ibegan；butheslippedonhisprofessionalmanner。

"Imyself，"hesaid，"willtakeyoutotheHotelBonairoffthecoastofLongIslandandseethatyougetingoodshape。Itisaquiet，comfortableresortwhereyouwillsoonrecuperate。"

TheHotelBonairprovedtobeanine-hundred-roomfashionablehostelryonanislandoffthemainshore。Everybodywhodidnotdressfordinnerwasshovedintoasidedining-roomandgivenonlyaterrapinandchampagnetabled’hote。Thebaywasagreatstampinggroundforwealthyyachtsmen。

TheCorsairanchoredtherethedaywearrived。IsawMr。Morganstandingondeckeatingacheesesandwichandgazinglonginglyatthehotel。

Still，itwasaveryinexpensiveplace。Nobodycouldaffordtopaytheirprices。Whenyouwentawayyousimplyleftyourbaggage，stoleaskiff，andbeatitforthemainlandinthenight。

WhenIhadbeenthereonedayIgotapadofmonogrammedtelegraphblanksattheclerk’sdeskandbegantowiretoallmyfriendsforget-awaymoney。MydoctorandIplayedonegameofcroquetonthegolflinksandwenttosleeponthelawn。

Whenwegotbacktotownathoughtseemedtooccurtohimsuddenly。"Bytheway，"heasked，"howdoyoufeel？"

"Relievedofverymuch，"Ireplied。

Nowaconsultingphysicianisdifferent。Heisn’texactlysurewhetherheistobepaidornot，andthisuncertaintyinsuresyoueitherthemostcarefulorthemostcarelessattention。Mydoctortookmetoseeaconsultingphysician。Hemadeapoorguessandgavemecarefulattention。Ilikedhimimmensely。Heputmethroughsomecoordinationexercises。

"Haveyouapaininthebackofyourhead？"heasked。ItoldhimIhadnot。

"Shutyoureyes，"heordered，"putyourfeetclosetogether，andjumpbackwardasfarasyoucan。"

Ialwayswasagoodbackwardjumperwithmyeyesshut，soIobeyed。Myheadstrucktheedgeofthebathroomdoor，whichhadbeenleftopenandwasonlythreefeetaway。Thedoctorwasverysorry。Hehadoverlookedthefactthatthedoorwasopen。Heclosedit。

"Nowtouchyournosewithyourrightforefinger，"hesaid。

"Whereisit？"Iasked。

"Onyourface，"saidhe。

"Imeanmyrightforefinger，"Iexplained。

"Oh，excuseme，"saidhe。Hereopenedthebathroomdoor，andItookmyfingeroutofthecrackofit。

AfterIhadperformedthemarvellousdigito-nasalfeatIsaid：

"Idonotwishtodeceiveyouastosymptoms，Doctor；Ireallyhavesomethinglikeapaininthebackofmyhead。"Heignoredthesymptomandexaminedmyheartcarefullywithalatest-popular-air-penny-in-the-slotear-trumpet。Ifeltlikeaballad。

"Now，"hesaid，"galloplikeahorseforaboutfiveminutesaroundtheroom。"

IgavethebestimitationIcouldofadisqualifiedPercheronbeingledoutofMadisonSquareGarden。Then，withoutdroppinginapenny，helistenedtomychestagain。

"Noglandersinourfamily，Doc，"Isaid。

Theconsultingphysicianhelduphisforefingerwithinthreeinchesofmynose。"Lookatmyfinger，"hecommanded。

"DidyouevertryPears’——"Ibegan；buthewentonwithhistestrapidly。

"Nowlookacrossthebay。Atmyfinger。Acrossthebay。Atmyfinger。

Atmyfinger。Acrossthebay。Acrossthebay。Atmyfinger。Acrossthebay。"Thisforaboutthreeminutes。

Heexplainedthatthiswasatestoftheactionofthebrain。Itseemedeasytome。Ineveroncemistookhisfingerforthebay。I’llbetthatifhehadusedthephrases："Gaze，asitwere，unpreoccupied，outward——

orratherlaterally——inthedirectionofthehorizon，underlaid，sotospeak，withtheadjacentfluidinlet，"and"Now，returning——orrather，inamanner，withdrawingyourattention，bestowituponmyupraiseddigit"

——I’llbet，Isay，thatHenryJameshimselfcouldhavepassedtheexamination。

AfteraskingmeifIhadeverhadagrandunclewithcurvatureofthespineoracousinwithswelledankles，thetwodoctorsretiredtothebathroomandsatontheedgeofthebathtubfortheirconsultation。I

ateanapple，andgazedfirstatmyfingerandthenacrossthebay。

Thedoctorscameoutlookinggrave。More：theylookedtombstonesandTennessee-papers-please-copy。TheywroteoutadietlisttowhichIwastoberestricted。IthadeverythingthatIhadeverheardoftoeatonit，exceptsnails。AndInevereatasnailunlessitovertakesmeandbitesmefirst。

"Youmustfollowthisdietstrictly，"saidthedoctors。

"I’dfollowitamileifIcouldgetone-tenthofwhat’sonit，"I

answered。

"Ofnextimportance，"theywenton，"isoutdoorairandexercise。Andhereisaprescriptionthatwillbeofgreatbenefittoyou。"

Thenallofustooksomething。Theytooktheirhats，andItookmydeparture。

Iwenttoadruggistandshowedhimtheprescription。

"Itwillbe$2。87foranouncebottle，"hesaid。

"Willyougivemeapieceofyourwrappingcord？"saidI。

Imadeaholeintheprescription，ranthecordthroughit，tieditaroundmyneck，andtuckeditinside。Allofushavealittlesuperstition，andminerunstoaconfidenceinamulets。

Ofcoursetherewasnothingthematterwithme，butIwasveryill。I

couldn’twork，sleep，eat，orbowl。TheonlywayIcouldgetanysympathywastogowithoutshavingforfourdays。Eventhensomebodywouldsay：

"Oldman，youlookashardyasapineknot。BeenupforajauntintheMainewoods，eh？"

Then，suddenly，IrememberedthatImusthaveoutdoorairandexercise。

SoIwentdownSouthtoJohn’s。Johnisanapproximaterelativebyverdictofapreacherstandingwithalittlebookinhishandsinabowerofchrysanthemumswhileahundredthousandpeoplelookedon。JohnhasacountryhousesevenmilesfromPineville。ItisatanaltitudeandontheBlueRidgeMountainsinastatetoodignifiedtobedraggedintothiscontroversy。Johnismica，whichismorevaluableandclearerthangold。

HemetmeatPineville，andwetookthetrolleycartohishome。Itisabig，neighbourlesscottageonahillsurroundedbyahundredmountains。

Wegotoffathislittleprivatestation，whereJohn’sfamilyandAmaryllismetandgreetedus。Amaryllislookedatmeatrifleanxiously。

Arabbitcameboundingacrossthehillbetweenusandthehouse。Ithrewdownmysuit-caseandpursuedithotfoot。AfterIhadruntwentyyardsandseenitdisappear，Isatdownonthegrassandweptdisconsolately。

"Ican’tcatcharabbitanymore，"Isobbed。"I’mofnofurtheruseintheworld。Imayaswellbedead。"

"Oh，whatisit——whatisit，BrotherJohn？"IheardAmaryllissay。

"Nervesalittleunstrung，"saidJohn，inhiscalmway。"Don’tworry。

Getup，yourabbit-chaser，andcomeontothehousebeforethebiscuitsgetcold。"Itwasabouttwilight，andthemountainscameupnoblytoMissMurfree’sdescriptionsofthem。

SoonafterdinnerIannouncedthatIbelievedIcouldsleepforayearortwo，includinglegalholidays。SoIwasshowntoaroomasbigandcoolasaflowergarden，wheretherewasabedasbroadasalawn。Soonafterwardtheremainderofthehouseholdretired，andthentherefelluponthelandasilence。

Ihadnotheardasilencebeforeinyears。Itwasabsolute。Iraisedmyselfonmyelbowandlistenedtoit。Sleep！IthoughtthatifIonlycouldhearastartwinkleorabladeofgrasssharpenitselfIcouldcomposemyselftorest。IthoughtoncethatIheardasoundlikethesailofacatboatflappingasitveeredaboutinabreeze，butIdecidedthatitwasprobablyonlyatackinthecarpet。StillIlistened。

Suddenlysomebelatedlittlebirdalighteduponthewindow-sill，and，inwhathenodoubtconsideredsleepytones，enunciatedthenoisegenerallytranslatedas"cheep！"

Ileapedintotheair。

"Hey！what’sthematterdownthere？"calledJohnfromhisroomabovemine。

"Oh，nothing，"Ianswered，"exceptthatIaccidentallybumpedmyheadagainsttheceiling。"

ThenextmorningIwentoutontheporchandlookedatthemountains。

Therewereforty-sevenoftheminsight。Ishuddered，wentintothebighallsittingroomofthehouse，selected"Pancoast’sFamilyPracticeofMedicine"fromabookcase，andbegantoread。Johncamein，tookthebookawayfromme，andledmeoutside。Hehasafarmofthreehundredacresfurnishedwiththeusualcomplementofbarns，mules，peasantry，andharrowswiththreefrontteethbrokenoff。Ihadseensuchthingsinmychildhood，andmyheartbegantosink。

ThenJohnspokeofalfalfa，andIbrightenedatonce。"Oh，yes，"saidI，"wasn’tsheinthechorusof——let’ssee——"

"Green，youknow，"saidJohn，"andtender，andyouplowitunderafterthefirstseason。"

"Iknow，"saidI，"andthegrassgrowsoverher。"

"Right，"saidJohn。"Youknowsomethingaboutfarming，afterall。"

"Iknowsomethingofsomefarmers，"saidI，"andasurescythewillmowthemdownsomeday。"

Onthewaybacktothehouseabeautifulandinexplicablecreaturewalkedacrossourpath。Istoppedirresistiblyfascinated，gazingatit。Johnwaitedpatiently，smokinghiscigarette。Heisamodernfarmer。Aftertenminuteshesaid："Areyougoingtostandtherelookingatthatchickenallday？Breakfastisnearlyready。"

"Achicken？"saidI。

"AWhiteOrpingtonhen，ifyouwanttoparticularize。"

"AWhiteOrpingtonhen？"Irepeated，withintenseinterest。Thefowlwalkedslowlyawaywithgracefuldignity，andIfollowedlikeachildafterthePiedPiper。FiveminutesmorewereallowedmebyJohn，andthenhetookmebythesleeveandconductedmetobreakfast。

AfterIhadbeenthereaweekIbegantogrowalarmed。Iwassleepingandeatingwellandactuallybeginningtoenjoylife。Foramaninmydesperateconditionthatwouldneverdo。SoIsneakeddowntothetrolley-carstation，tookthecarforPineville，andwenttoseeoneofthebestphysiciansintown。BythistimeIknewexactlywhattodowhenIneededmedicaltreatment。Ihungmyhatonthebackofachair，andsaidrapidly：

"Doctor，Ihavecirrhosisoftheheart，induratedarteries，neurasthenia，neuritis，acuteindigestion，andconvalescence。Iamgoingtoliveonastrictdiet。Ishallalsotakeatepidbathatnightandacoldoneinthemorning。Ishallendeavourtobecheerful，andfixmymindonpleasantsubjects。InthewayofdrugsIintendtotakeaphosphorouspillthreetimesaday，preferablyaftermeals，andatoniccomposedofthetincturesofgentian，cinchona，calisaya，andcardamomcompound。IntoeachteaspoonfulofthisIshallmixtinctureofnuxvomica，beginningwithonedropandincreasingitadropeachdayuntilthemaximumdoseisreached。Ishalldropthiswithamedicine-dropper，whichcanbeprocuredatatriflingcostatanypharmacy。Goodmorning。"

Itookmyhatandwalkedout。AfterIhadclosedthedoorIrememberedsomethingthatIhadforgottentosay。Iopeneditagain。Thedoctorhadnotmovedfromwherehehadbeensitting，buthegaveaslightlynervousstartwhenhesawmeagain。

"Iforgottomention，"saidI，"thatIshallalsotakeabsoluterestandexercise。

AfterthisconsultationIfeltmuchbetter。ThereestablishinginmymindofthefactthatIwashopelesslyillgavemesomuchsatisfactionthatI

almostbecamegloomyagain。Thereisnothingmorealarmingtoaneurasthenicthantofeelhimselfgrowingwellandcheerful。

Johnlookedaftermecarefully。AfterIhadevincedsomuchinterestinhisWhiteOrpingtonchickenhetriedhisbesttodivertmymind，andwasparticulartolockhishenhouseofnights。Graduallythetonicmountainair，thewholesomefood，andthedailywalksamongthehillssoalleviatedmymaladythatIbecameutterlywretchedanddespondent。Iheardofacountrydoctorwholivedinthemountainsnearby。Iwenttoseehimandtoldhimthewholestory。Hewasagray-beardedmanwithclear，blue，wrinkledeyes，inahome-madesuitofgrayjeans。

InordertosavetimeIdiagnosedmycase，touchedmynosewithmyrightforefinger，struckmyselfbelowthekneetomakemyfootkick，soundedmychest，stuckoutmytongue，andaskedhimthepriceofcemeterylotsinPineville。

Helithispipeandlookedatmeforaboutthreeminutes。"Brother，"hesaid，afterawhile，"youareinamightybadway。There’sachanceforyoutopullthrough，butit’samightyslimone。"

"Whatcanitbe？"Iaskedeagerly。"Ihavetakenarsenicandgold，phosphorus，exercise，nuxvomica，hydrotherapeuticbaths，rest，excitement，codein，andaromaticspiritsofammonia。Isthereanythingleftinthepharmacopoeia？"

"Somewhereinthesemountains，"saidthedoctor，"there’saplantgrowing——afloweringplantthat’llcureyou，andit’sabouttheonlythingthatwill。It’sofakindthat’sasoldastheworld；butoflateit’spowerfulscarceandhardtofind。YouandIwillhavetohuntitup。I’mnotengagedinactivepracticenow：I’mgettingalonginyears；butI’lltakeyourcase。You’llhavetocomeeverydayintheafternoonandhelpmehuntforthisplanttillwefindit。Thecitydoctorsmayknowalotaboutnewscientificthings，buttheydon’tknowmuchaboutthecuresthatnaturecarriesaroundinhersaddlebags。"